


Put Your Records On

by Granger4013



Series: The Warehouse Anthologies [1]
Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Alternate Universe - Music Store, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-06 06:49:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 585,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3125033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Granger4013/pseuds/Granger4013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myka Bering is a Colorado Springs institution.  Her record store is a mecca for any and all who loved music in town, right down to the crazy kids she lets rehearse inside.  Myka likes her life, it's comfortable.  However, when Claudia declares that she has found a lead singer for the band she plays in with Steve and Pete at the store, Myka Bering's comfortable life is upended, because that declaration is what brings Helena Wells into Myka's life.  Suddenly, with Helena around Myka is reliving parts of her life that she would rather forget, and becoming quickly convinced that this woman is going to change everything about her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Wreck Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I've been working on for awhile, which I'm finally getting up the courage to post. It's my first foray into AU territory, but there's something about Helena Wells singing that just causes inspiration. This story is starting to take on a life of it's own and will eventually wander into chapters that are longer than I really know what to do with, but for now, enjoy its opening verses. 
> 
> It goes without saying that I don't own Warehouse 13, but it also should be said that I also do not own any of the music that is about to be mentioned in this little tale.

Her feet hit the pavement in a steady one, two, one, two rhythm. The sound always reminded her of a drum’s backbeat, keeping the pulse of a song going, downbeat, upbeat. Thump, thump, thump—her feet, a good solid bass drum rhythm, the beating of her heart—steady, consistent, incessant.

This was her favorite time of year in Colorado Springs, her runs highlighted by leaves in explosive colors crunching under her feet, the sharp, crisp bite of cold in the air that made the first half mile nothing more than a period of acclimation to the icy feeling, always threatening to, but never quite overpowering her lungs. She loved that feeling, the way the cold seeped from your chest into your bones; it spurred her to keep running, to run until she was warm or numb or somehow both. While for many fall signaled a time of endings, for Myka Bering, fall was a time for new beginnings, for letting the old fall away and letting something new, something different, take its place. It instilled in her a strange kind of hope that what once was didn’t always have to be, that maybe this time something could change, and it was this thought that danced around her mind as her feet pounded through the streets of her hometown. Maybe today, maybe this time, maybe, maybe, maybe, something can be different. Maybe like the leaves, something in her life could change. Not that she wasn’t happy, that wasn’t it, she actually loved the life she had settled into by moving back to Colorado. She loved the routine, the comfort, the people. She loved her job—God she loved her job. She loved the circle of friends that surrounded her, that provided a different sense of family. Yet sometimes, sometimes she felt a twinge, a need, a drive for something more. She felt the need for a kind of key change, something that didn’t change the essence of her life, but gave it a different kick, and it was that feeling that drove her to wonder, to feel like, maybe today would be the day that kick happened. 

She kept to her usual route, winding through town, watching it spring to life, hearing the occasional, “Hey Myka’s” that seemed to always accompany her on these runs, reminding her that she had in fact cemented herself as a constant in the eyes of this town. Every morning, without fail, there she would be, running with the morning mist, and every morning there would be the people, some of whom she’d known her whole life, ready to greet her. Eventually, she would turn off the main drag and make her way to the trails through the woods on the outskirts of town. Always, when she entered them she would turn up the music pounding through her headphones, and then it would be like nothing else existed, nothing but her and the words, the blessed music coursing through her veins. No matter what changed in her life, no matter how she changed, no matter what happened to her, this would always be there, the music, the unadulterated joy and peace she got from letting other people’s words wash over her, the simple logic and beauty of unraveling the music down to its core, picking out the guitars, analyzing just what the drummer and their consistent rhythm was trying to do, thinking about the things she would do different if the words, the notes, the sounds were hers. Letting her mind wrap around the wonder that happened when the lyrics hit the moment perfectly, when they encapsulated life so beautifully that you just knew exactly how the person felt when they wrote it. She let the music overtake her, changing her pacing to match the tempo of each new song, letting it dictate every ounce of her being for these few quiet moments in the cool of the morning. The music carried her through the last, toughest miles, pushing her to keep going, pulling her back towards home, never leaving her side until her feet stopped, and stop they eventually would, but only when her path had deposited her back where she began, at the door of her home, her store, The Warehouse. 

When she had moved back to Colorado Springs, her parents had hoped that she would take over the bookstore, that she would ignore the slight, which still stung on her worst days, of the ignominious “Sons” that still existed in the name of her parents’ store. Bering & Sons, the name that always brought with it the inevitable question of “Do your brothers own the store with your Dad?” every time that she helped out when things got busy. The question that was always followed by, “Actually I don’t have any brothers, Dad just liked the name better,” and the awkward silence that would follow, the pitying glance that would sometimes accompany the “Oh, well sure…right, sorry.” She realized that if she didn’t take over the store, it was likely no one would. Her sister, Tracy, had moved to Boulder when she got married, and she had absolutely zero interest in books, so she understood her parents assumption that she, Myka, the nerd, the bookworm, the lover of words—spoken, written, sung, it didn’t matter, would be the family’s hope, that she would take up their mantle, and keep the legacy going. Yet, she couldn’t. She had thought about it, she had agonized over it, but ultimately what she always came back to was the fact that she wanted something more, she wanted to make her own mark, she wanted to carve her own place in this town, now that she had returned with zero intention of ever leaving, again. She loved books, it was true, but she loved music more. It was her passion, it was her life, it was what had driven her to leave Colorado Springs in the first place, and just because she was back didn’t mean that that fact had changed. So, no, she wasn’t going to take over the bookstore. Instead, three years ago, mere weeks after her quiet, but not ignored return to her hometown, she signed a lease on a funky store front downtown, with a small, but quaint apartment upstairs, and she opened up something most people said had no place in this world anymore, a music store. She made her mark by specializing in vinyl that most people had thought no longer existed. She latched onto people’s nostalgic desires, and offered them a place where they could step back in time, let the music that had once moved them reclaim their hearts, remind them of who they once were, who they still were deep down. She somehow created a place where people felt at home, where people remembered just what music, the right music, could evoke, and so the store thrived. The Warehouse became a beacon in its little corner of downtown. A place where you could escape, a place where you could find someone who understood what you were looking for, a place where you could find something you thought was lost forever. It was here that Myka rediscovered her own sense of self, where she remembered who she was and why she loved this crazy thing called music, it was here that she recaptured what she thought had died within her—passion, community, creativity, and so like her store, Myka Bering became a Colorado Springs institution. She was the person everyone knew, but whom few actually knew. She was respected, yet retained a sense of mystery. She was an anchor in a town seeking something to cling to, yet always carried the hint that she, herself, might float away at any moment, disappear like she had before, when she left after college and never looked back. 

Sweat-soaked and sore, with lungs gasping for air after her final sprint, Myka unlocked the door to the store, tugging her ear buds free in time to hear the quiet jingle of the bell that typically signaled the entrance of a customer, but this time simply said, welcome home. She relocked the door, and wandered upstairs to her apartment. 

In the comfortable maze of books, records, and a few too many pianos that was her home, Myka showered and cobbled together a quick breakfast. It was Tuesday—which meant it was band day at the store, which meant opening early, so she could close early in order to give Claudia and her gang the run of the stage set up in the back of the store to do their thing, their very loud, occasionally very talented, thing. Usually, she didn’t open the store until later in the afternoon, the reality being that the Warehouse functioned often as a hang out for college kids and twenty-somethings scrapping together a living in Colorado Springs while desperately trying to make it in the town’s surprisingly successful music industry, and such clientele weren’t prone to emerge into consciousness until well into the afternoon. So, she opened late and stayed open far later than most businesses in town, except on Tuesdays. Tuesdays were sacrosanct at the Warehouse, and everyone knew it. 

She made her way back downstairs and allowed herself to breath in the air that simply was this place, the mix and mingle of vinyl, guitar strings, and maybe a wee-bit of dust that she simply called their vintage flair. As she moved to unlock the door, her eyes landed on one of Claudia’s flyers. The flyers that had been plastering the store and the greater downtown area for months. “LEAD SINGER WANTED!! ‘Seeking Endless Wonder’ Contact Claudia Donovan at 719-471-9823” Myka shook her head and wondered when Claudia would finally just give up the search and decide that the band was fine with her singing. In Myka’s opinion, Claudia, Steve, and Pete made a perfect combination for a band, and had told Claudia on numerous occasions that adding a new person to the mix after they’d been together for two years would just complicate things, but she was determined, and so eventually Myka just kept her mouth shut. She let them practice at the store, and tried her best to not get in the way or interfere with their “process” as Pete loved to call it. 

With one last sigh at the flyer, she undid the lock, flicked the switch to trigger the hundreds of strings of lights that served as lighting in the store, and let the day begin. Tuesday’s earlier hours inclined her clientele to be slightly different than any other day of the week. Retirees, tourists, “real live adults” as Claudia liked to say, made Tuesdays their own, coming in, not to linger, but with a purpose, to find specifically what they wanted, or to see if Myka, with her seemingly infinite number of contacts, could find it for them if she didn’t have it in stock already. Tuesdays were often days of Sinatra, The Monkees, and Elvis, and she loved it for what it was, a day that showed her that no matter how old you got music never left your heart. The imprint that it left was permanent and it never ceased to touch people; people never lost their indescribable need for the sounds of their childhood, the sounds of their very lives, and she reveled in the fact that those sounds were her stock and trade, that she was the supplier of nostalgia and memories for all those who came seeking. Without fail, Tuesdays always brought her one of her most avid seekers of nostalgia, like clockwork, at 3:30 on the dot, she would make sure that she had Zepplin going on the turntable, because in would walk Hugo, in search of the 1970’s all over again. 

“Myka, my dear, how’s life?” Hugo would greet her in the same way every week, sauntering into the store, eyes covered by aviators, a baggy coat over her shoulders, and an air of casualness about everything that came his way that Myka coveted immensely. 

“Life is…goin’, Hugo. How ‘bout you?”

“Eh, can’t complain. Vanessa’s still on me about coming in for those open mic nights at the Regents to help her scope out the new, local talent, but man I just can’t do it. The crap some of these kids dole out these days, I’d rather sit at home and listen to the good stuff.” Hugo had found a modicum of success as a drummer in the seventies, enough to let him live in comfort now and to give him an air of credibility around town as someone with an ‘expert ear,’ who should be willing to help the new kids on the block make it big, but he never gave in, much preferring relative solitude.

“Some of it isn’t so bad. I mean sure, some is really, really, bad, but every now and then, these kids surprise you.”

“I always forget that you let Vanessa get her hooks into you. You put up with these kids playing in your store, and then you go and torture yourself some more down at the café. You’re a glutton for punishment Bering.” He removed his sunglasses and gave her a quick wink, the twinkle in his eye showing the severe lack of seriousness in his seemingly serious words.

“Hey, the kids, as you call them, that play here, are my people Hugo, don’t knock them. They’re good. They’re really good actually, just haven’t gotten the right break yet. They’ll get there.” 

Hugo moved from his slouched position against the counter and meandered towards the classic rock section of the store, which in reality was most of the store. As he thumbed through the newest selections Myka had procured he shot over his shoulder, “You keep saying that, but I’m tellin’ ya they need a lead singer. Claudia’s good, but that girl needs to focus on her guitar, she isn’t a front man, woman, that is.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, and you know I think they’re fine the way they are. Just look through your albums old man, I am so not having this conversation again.” 

“Old man, huh? Careful, I might not hand over any money this week.” Another wink. “Do me a favor kid, move that needle to play me some ‘Kashmir’ and turn it up.”

Myka gave him a wide smile, she loved the banter they’d developed in the years since she’d been back. Hugo was a good guy, and had helped her transition back into life in town immensely. “You got it. Love your taste old man.”

“Love yours too kid. Now turn. It. Up.”

The rest of the day sailed by in a flurry of random tourists and the occasional low-level industry stooge, sent to the store on business for their bosses. Overall, the day, the hustle and bustle of it, the way the leaves kept fluttering by the window on their slow, fall descent, left Myka in kind of haze of contented ease. As the clock ticked ever closer to 6:30, closing time, time for the band to show up in their typical flurry of noise and chaos, she decided it was the perfect kind of evening for a little feel good music. She thumbed through the stack of select albums she kept behind the counter for her own pleasure, found what she was looking for, and dropped the needle on one of her rarer finds, “Wildflowers” from 1994; after all, she thought, it just felt like a Tom Petty kind of day. She let the smooth, relaxed tones wash over her, “Tonight we ride, right or wrong; tonight we sail, on a radio song. Rescue me, should I go wrong…” and waited for “the kids” as Hugo so lovingly called them to descend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noise and chaos, indeed. The door opened with a bang, albeit aided by a significant gust of wind, and Pete practically bounded into the store, “Mykes! Did you hear…ooo Tom Petty, huh? Good mood?” 

She shrugged her shoulders, “Yeah, I mean, I don’t know, it just feels right for today.” 

Pete shook his head and slumped against the counter, “You and fall. Same thing every year, you go all giddy.”

“I am not giddy. I just feel good. Fall feels good, so sue me,” she punctuated the last bit of her sentence with a swift punch across the counter to Pete’s shoulder.

“Hey, hey, hey, easy on the guns, I need these bad boys for rehearsal.” He flexed his arms and made a face that Myka was helpless to do anything but laugh at.

“Oh yes, Pete, because your drumsticks are so heavy, they require your guns,” she rolled her eyes and then dropped them back down to her laptop, continuing to balance the books from today’s sales. Eyes still fixed to the figures in front of her she continued, “Before my fall-inspired Tom Petty love distracted you, you were going to ask me if I’d heard something.”

“Oh right!” Pete’s head popped out of Myka’s office, where he had snuck to steal a handful of Twizzlers, one of which was now hanging precariously between his teeth. “Did you hear the news?”

“News regarding….”

“Us! The band! Claudia finally did it!” The Twizzler continued to bounce between his teeth with each word.

“Did what Pete? Use your big kid words.”

“Oh man, I can’t believe she didn’t text you. A lead singer Mykes! Claudia finally found us one.” 

Myka’s head slumped onto the counter, “No she didn’t! Ugh, Pete, I’ve told her countless times, you guys don’t need a lead singer. You sound fantastic already.”

“As evidenced by the hundreds of record deals getting sent our way.” This time it was Pete’s turn to roll his eyes, as he slouched back against the counter.

Myka propped her chin against her hands that were flattened on the counter, “You just need time. It takes time to get a deal. You’ll get there”

“What we need is a singer, Myka. It isn’t enough, just the three of us. I don’t want to be stuck coaching high school wrestling for the rest of my life, and I also don’t want to be one of those guys who’s over thirty and still desperately trying to ‘make it big.’ We need a change if we’re going to get anywhere.” 

Myka hated to hear Pete sink into that tone. That tone that hit everyone in this town at some point or other, the self-loathing, depressed, pessimistic tone that says, despite all evidence to the contrary, I have zero talent, and my desire to make music for a living is a complete and total waste of time. She’d been helping him fight off that tone since college. They’d met at freshman orientation at the University of Colorado-Colorado Springs ten years ago, and had been inseparable since, despite their practically polar opposite personalities. Pete’s kooky, laidback, goofball attitude helped balance out Myka’s more structured, in need of control, follow the rules self. They fit well, ten years of friendship attested to that fact. They had survived college and all its slings and arrows, distance, addiction, countless heartbreaks, and other tragedies, with their friendship still intact. Each was for the other a steady constant that they rarely had in their lives from anyone else. In fact, it was being back in the same city as Pete that was one of the major selling points for Myka when she decided to move back to Colorado. 

Myka placed a comforting hand on Pete’s shoulder, “You will get somewhere Pete. I know it.”

Before Pete could respond, the bell above the door jangled again, and in wandered Steve, “Hey guys.” He gave a soft wave as he closed the door behind him.

“Hey Steve-O!”  
“Hey Steve”

“You ready for this Pete? I think Claudia might be too excited to actually play. She’s been texting me all day.”

“As ready as I’ll ever be, but hey I’m stoked too. Claudia sent me the video of her singing, she’s a badass.”

“I know, she sounds amazing, and she seemed pretty cool last night at dinner. I can’t quite believe that voice comes out of her, but hey, it happens.”

“She’ll fit in nicely, and you’re right, she totally doesn’t look like she should be able to sing like that. It’s crazy.”

Myka watched this conversation with her mouth hanging slightly ajar. Eventually she cut in, arms waving to draw their attention, “Wait, wait, wait. The new lead singer is a girl?”

Pete looked at her like he had forgotten she was there for a second, “What? Yeah, she is, so?”

“I thought Claudia was adamant you guys needed a ‘dude’ as she kept saying over and over and over.”

It was Steve’s turn to answer, “She was, but then this girl showed up, and I’m serious Myka, you should hear her sing. She’s incredible.”

Before Myka could respond, Pete piped in, shooting her a look, “Myka here, remains in ardent denial that our little trio needs a singer.”

Steve gave her an indulgent smile, “We need her, trust me.”

Myka gave them both an eye roll, thinking that her eyes rolled more around these two than could possibly be healthy, “Hey, it’s your band, I am simply the provider of the space.”

“And we are forever in your debt,” Pete gave her an exaggerated bow. “Alright, man we should probably start setting up, before Claudia bounces in here all out of control.”

Myka watched as Pete settled behind his drum kit where it was setup at the back of the stage that Myka had had installed in the store, almost immediately upon Pete telling her that he, Claudia, and Steve had finally given in and made their little after hours from work/college, garage experiment official. Wanting to save Pete’s girlfriend Amanda from the continued annoyance of not being able to park her car in their garage, and after a few too many calls to the cops about noise complaints from their pain in the ass neighbors, Myka told them, they could practice at the store, and the rest was history. Plus, the reality was, Myka loved having them there. The three of them were Myka’s family, and she was glad she could at least give them this, a space to play as loudly as they wanted for as long as they needed. Now though, the idea of introducing a new person into the little world that they had built here, it unnerved her. Without a doubt, she stood by her opinion that they didn’t need an extra person, but more than that, she worried what a new person would do to the happy dynamic that existed, just the four of them together, whenever the band was at the store. Myka might not be part of the band, but she felt a sense of ownership over all of them, and she didn’t want someone else disturbing that. She didn’t have long to ponder over her worry, because once again the door was swinging open and there was Claudia, walking in, talking a mile a minute to…to hands-down, the most beautiful woman Myka had ever seen. That couldn’t possibly be the new lead singer, could it? Myka had to consciously tell herself to close her mouth, which was hanging ajar once again completely involuntarily. She gave her head a little shake to clear the fog that had descended upon all of her senses, because Claudia was standing in front of her, and she seemed like she was talking to her, but Myka didn’t hear a word of it.

“Yo, Myka! You in there?” Claudia snapped her fingers in front of Myka’s face.

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m sorry.” She internally scolded herself at the royally embarrassing first impression she was making. 

“Lost in a Tom Petty haze huh? Tom Petty makes Myka a little giddy,” Claudia said in an aside to the woman next to her, “Let’s try this again, shall we? Myka Bering, this is H.G. Wells, our new lead singer.”

If Myka thought she was going to be able to keep up an indifferent exterior due to her frustration at Claudia’s decision about all of this, she was sorely mistaken. This woman standing in front of her was not someone to be indifferent towards. Myka extended a hand towards this new addition to their lives, “H.G. Wells, huh?”

H.G. clasped Myka’s hand with an odd flush of exasperation, “Indeed. My parents were rather hopeless fanatics when it came to literature, and he was a distant relative, so they figured why not?”

Myka smiled brightly, “I get that. My parents own a bookstore a few streets over, so the literature fanaticism is not lost on me. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you, and Claudia, Tom Petty does not make me giddy.”

“Mmhmm,” Claudia hummed, incredulousness etched across her features.

H.G.’s voice pulled Myka back from her slight attention to Claudia, “Nice to meet you too. Claudia has told me quite a bit about you, in what little time we’ve known each other.” She took a brief sweeping glance around the store, “This is quite the setup you have here. Your collection is, impressive.”

It took Myka longer than it even remotely should have to realize that H.G. spoke with a light, lilting British accent. She fought back the urge to roll her eyes once again, because of course Claudia would manage to find a lead singer that had an accent. That would make her fitting into their sound so easy. She bit back the comment that was begging for purchase on the tip of her tongue, opting instead for politeness, this was happening apparently and her opinion was definitely not necessary, “Thanks. The guys haven’t stopped talking about you since they got here. They aren’t an easy crowd to please, you must have made quite the impression.”

The self-deprecating, half smile H.G. gave Myka, as her eyes glanced to the back where Steve and Pete continued to set up made Myka’s heart jump in a way that was so very un-Myka-ish. “We shall see. They’ve only heard me sing on video, and I just met them both yesterday, so the night is still young as they say.”

“I’m sure you’ll fit in fine. If you keep Pete well stocked in cookies, he’ll love you forever. Trust me, I would know.”

Suddenly, Claudia tugging on H.G.’s sleeve shook the two of them out of their attention to each other, “Alright, H.G., let’s show ‘em what you can do. You alright if we start Myka?”

Myka felt a strange twinge of annoyance at Claudia’s drawing of H.G. away, though she realized it was completely irrational. However, if she wasn’t mistaken she thought she saw a similar look on H.G’s face, though she told herself she had to be imagining it. She turned back to her computer hesitantly as she answered, “Yeah, Claud, no problem, I just need to finish up the accounts from today, and then I’ll head upstairs.”

A look of confusion came over H.G.’s face, “You don’t stay to listen?”

Myka could feel the cloud descend over her features, “Umm, no, not really, I mean, sometimes. I live upstairs, so I just leave you guys to it. I don’t want to get in the way or anything.”

H.G. crinkled her eyebrows together, but didn’t say anything.

Myka took a deep breath, praying her features were schooling into a look of neutrality as she looked back up at H.G., “Anyway, make yourself at home. The rest of the band has.” She gave H.G. a small smile and then turned back to her laptop, forcing herself to refocus on work. H.G. gave her one last sidelong look before wandering to the back with Claudia. 

Myka heard Pete give a couple of lazy beats to his bass drum, “Hey Mykes! Help me warm up! Hit us with a little ‘You Wreck Me’ again, I’ll show ya how it should be done.”

She gave him a mock glare, but turned back to the turntable, adjusting the needle as requested, “Alright Pete, please by all means show me how it’s done.”

Pete kicked in with a subtle click of his high hat as soon as the song started. Myka loved watching Pete play; his exuberant, boyish charm was always on full display, mixed with an intensity that he only had when sitting behind his drums. Her full smile returned to her face, as she listened to him seek to outplay the speakers. It wasn’t long before Claudia had slung her guitar over her shoulders, and joined in, right in time, of course, to match the main solo of the song chord for chord. At that point, Myka’s smile was taxing her cheek muscles, because, she thought, it was moments like this that made her thankful that she let these crazy kids that she loved so much do this. Claudia always goofed around with Pete when they played, and it made Myka happy to watch them, to hear their talent, to think about just where it could take them. 

Her eyes slid back to her laptop, letting the music wash over her. She typed in another section of her ledger, but couldn’t keep her eyes from shooting what she hoped was a subtle glance back towards the stage, back towards H.G., who was adjusting a mic to her height, while Claudia and Pete continued to play on. Almost like she could feel Myka’s look, H.G. turned her eyes from the mic stand and for the briefest of moments her eyes met Myka’s, and she sent Myka a small smile. It didn’t escape Myka’s notice that at that precise moment her giddiness-inducing Tom Petty sang out, “You move me honey…yes you do.”


	2. Straight On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> H.G.'s first night with the band causes Myka to stray down a path of memories she would much rather avoid. This would but the first, but certainly not the last time that Myka realizes that H.G.'s voice makes her do somewhat crazy things.

One last number entered, one last click of the mouse to save the accounts, one last glance at the shipments coming in tomorrow morning, one last double-checking of the schedule, and Myka’s day is done. Her fingers gently clicked her laptop closed, and she turned around to flick the light switch in her office off. Laptop tucked under her arm, glasses resting on the top of her head, her feet turned instinctively towards the stairs to her apartment. She hoped she might be able to sneak away without notice, she should have known this was pointless, because Pete was there, and when it came to Myka, Pete missed nothing.

“Mykes, c’mon, don’t go up yet! You at least have to stick around for one song. You’ve gotta hear H.G. sing. Then ya know, admit defeat, bowing down to Claudia that you were wrong about the whole ‘you don’t need a lead singer’ thing.”

The eyebrow quirked in her direction from H.G., the slight tweak of her lips in what could have been a frown as easily as a smirk, was not lost on Myka for a second, “Jesus, Pete! Way to be subtle about that why don’t you?” Turning what she hoped was a contrite look at H.G., her words rushed out without much thought, “Seriously, H.G., ignore him, and sure I said that to Claudia, but that’s not a reflection on you, or how you sing, or anything at all. Ignore Pete at all times.” An inward thought careened through Myka’s mind, why on earth did she sound so flustered?

Her thoughts only increased when she felt an unexpected rush of thanks that H.G. wasn’t the least bit phased by anything that just transpired, “It’s quite alright, Myka. I shall heed your advice about Pete back there, though I must agree with him that it might not hurt to hear me sing before making a final conclusion about whether or not I should be here.”

Her tone was light, but the glint in her eye betrayed a determination, a confidence that made Myka think that she probably would be gravelling at Claudia’s feet sometime in the very, very near future.

“Come on Myka, Pete’s right, stay for a bit, and I won’t make you bow down before me, maybe just up my salary, since I slave away for you so dutifully week in and week out.”

The laugh that left Myka’s lungs was full and honest, “Oh yes, my dear slave of a shop girl.” Myka then turned a brief look towards H.G., took a moment to consider then returned her attention to Claudia, “I’ll tell ya what Claud, it’s a deal.”

Claudia had the courtesy to look shocked, “For real?”

“For real.” Myka turned on her heel and wandered back to the counter, re-opening her laptop. “Plus, I forgot that I promised Hugo I would try to find him this totally obscure Ramones album he’s been looking for, so play on children, I’ve got work to do.” 

“Ooo, Mykes in treasure hunting mode. I love it.” Pete accented his words with a steady thump of his bass drum. “Alright, let’s get this thing started, what’ll it be H.G.?”

Helena’s eyebrows knit together, “What do you mean, what will it be?”

Myka rolled her eyes behind her computer screen, this woman is supposed to be a lead singer, which means she is the one to take the lead. Maybe she wouldn’t be increasing Claudia’s salary after all.

Pete continued, “It’s your first night with us, why don’t you tell us what you want to play. Claud, you did give her our song list right?”

H.G. didn’t give Claudia a chance to respond, “She did, Pete. Sorry, you just caught me a bit off guard. I must say your repertoire is incredibly vast. I was quite impressed looking through it, and did I notice some originals in there?”

Myka’s head popped up from her laptop in time to see Claudia give the faintest hint of a blush. Myka had been encouraging Claudia to write more, she was pleased that Claudia had clearly taken her advice.

“Yeah...” Claudia idly rubbed at the back of her neck, “Those are mine. I dabble a little bit, here and there.”

Myka almost piped in that Claudia did more than dabble, but H.G. surprisingly beat her to it, “It would seem to me that you do more than dabble Claudia. From what I saw you are quite good.”

“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” Claudia laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, Claudia is amazing, but this guy’s guns are getting antsy. Are we going to plaaaaaaaay?” Pete idly twirled his drumsticks between his fingers. Myka snorted slightly, Pete was a huge man child sometimes, though she loved him dearly for it.

H.G. spoke up, “Well, one would say it would probably be best to stick to something we all feel comfortable with for now. Help us get a feel for each other. I noticed you had quite a bit of Heart on your list. How would a little bit of ‘Straight On’ suit everyone?”

Myka’s eyes rolled involuntarily, of course she would pick something by one of the most talented female singers ever. How very typical.

Steve gave a low whistle, “Damn, I like you.”

“Alright H.G., fancy yourself the next Ann Wilson huh? Bold,” Pete winked at her.

“Oh yes, Pete, about as much as you consider yourself the next Keith Moon I’m sure.” H.G.’s response was quick and sarcastic as hell, with just the right lilt to make it clear she was teasing him. 

Pete gave H.G. a swift ba-dum-bum, “Ah, hell yeah, this is going to be fun. You’re saucy H.G. You’ll fit in perfectly with this group.”

Myka’s fingers had stopped, hovering above the keys of her computer. Except for Claudia, Myka had never seen someone match Pete comment for comment so quickly upon meeting him. For what seemed the billionth time that night, her mind flip-flopped on this whole lead singer issue, maybe H.G. would end up being a spectacular fit for this little band of misfits, that she somehow, despite not being an actual band member, always included herself in. It was H.G.’s next comment though that solidified Myka’s realization that she would most likely being giving Claudia that raise.

“Actually, Pete, I chose it, because I’m quite curious to see what it’s like to sing _with_ Claudia. How she and I sound together is just as important to me, as how I mix in with all of you.” 

Now that was not something Myka had expected to hear. In her experience, most of the lead singers she had witnessed were such raging narcissists that they wanted nothing to do with anyone else singing with them. This was why Myka had tried so hard to dissuade Claudia from all of this, because Claudia was amazingly talented and Myka didn’t want someone coming in and tamping all of that down, relegating Claudia to her little corner of the stage where no one really noticed her. H.G. it would appear was not going to be that person. God where did Claudia find this woman? Someone who could seemingly keep Pete on his toes and had a healthy appreciation for Claudia; Myka didn’t think a person like that could possibly exist, yet here she was apparently, taking up space in her store. 

The look on Claudia’s face mirrored Myka’s internal dialogue, “Does that make me Nancy Wilson? Because that woman is a badass, and I will gladly play that part.”

“As if you weren’t a badass already,” Steve smirked at Claudia.

“Right you are Jinxy, right you are. Alright, let’s give this a try shall we? Unless we all just want to stand around and stare at each other all night. Everybody ready? H.G?”

“Quite ready, darling.”

“Alright, Pete get us started.”

“Gladly!” 

It started so simply, just Pete’s light, rhythmic tapping on his high hat, followed almost immediately by Claudia’s subtle plucking of chords and Steve’s quiet, but consistent beat from his bass. Myka had heard them play this probably a hundred times, what H.G. didn’t realize was that she had picked one of their favorite songs to play, the three of them knowing their parts so instinctually that it looked absolutely effortless. H.G. had a firm grasp against the mic stand, long, slender fingers wrapped around the mic, the other laid lightly about half-way down, her head tilted back towards Pete gaining a feel for their tempo and rhythm, as it inched ever closer to when she needed to come in. As that moment steadily approached, Myka found that she was holding her breath, but had absolutely no reason why.

That breath flooded out of her lungs, the moment H.G. turned back to the mic, looking for all intents and purposes like a completely different person. When she had first come in, she had seemed shy, maybe a little nervous, but all of that was gone now, lost in a haze of silky swagger. Her eyes were barely closed, head tilted to one side so that her hair swept over her right shoulder, her body exuding confidence and sex appeal, the perfect image of a lead singer. If Myka was shocked by her physical transformation, she was utterly thankful she was sitting down when H.G. actually started to sing, because that moment, that moment stopped Myka cold, and she was certain that if she was standing her knees would have given out on her. This woman…this gorgeous woman could sing.

“Quite some time…I’ve been sittin’ it out…”

Her accent completely disappeared when she sang, and what was left was a voice that was smooth, rich, and just this side of husky. Myka, who had desperately been trying to keep her eyes focused on her work, couldn’t stop staring at H.G. Her presence demanded attention, you simply could not take your eyes off of her. Immediately, Myka understood why Claudia had chosen her, a thought that was quickly followed by the realization that Claudia would definitely be getting that raise. This thought was only solidified when H.G. looked towards Claudia, gave her a little wink, and both of their voices echoed through the store.

“Knock down the wailing wall…it ain’t no sin.”

The entire time they sang together, H.G. didn’t take her eyes off of Claudia, each of them feeding off the other’s energy. H.G. had this slight smirk on her face while she sang that made Claudia smile in full force, it was mesmerizing to watch. When Pete’s beat against his snare signaled a rush towards the chorus, H.G. snaked the mic out of its holder right on beat, and moved towards Claudia, her steps fitting right in time to the beat, at one point she actually turned back towards Pete, singing to him right over the top of his drum set. Myka could tell by the look on his face that he was impressed, and psyched out of his mind that they had found someone with enough bravado and confidence to move around the stage without hesitation, interacting with each of them without losing the lyrics once. She finished the chorus leaning slightly against Claudia’s shoulder, giving the barest hint of vibrato on the last line, “Straight on for you…” then propelled herself back to the mic stand. Each movement she made was instinctual, comfortable, intoxicating. Her voice knew right when to back off, when to come on full force; if Myka was being honest she had never heard anyone sing quite like this woman. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but the flaws, the eccentricities that her voice carried, made it all the more enjoyable to listen to. As Myka watched, she realized that she was witnessing something remarkable. These four had instantaneous chemistry. It was evident in the little sidelong glances, the head nods, the way that Pete knew to speed up towards the end with just the briefest of looks from H.G.; something was happening in this moment that Myka was sure she needed to remember, because it felt significant, it felt in some way life-altering. It felt like one of those moments, that years later she would look back on and say it all started then.

When they ended, Myka expected a cacophony of responses, and yet was greeted with what could only be described as stunned silence, like the four of them were in shock from what just happened. Myka could only imagine how they all felt, when she was sitting in awe of it; to have actually been a part of it had to have been jarring. It was Claudia who finally broke through the weighty silence, “Holy shit guys, that was….”

“Incredible,” Steve was barely audible, but the look on his face spoke worlds for what he was feeling.

“I don’t even know what to say, and that never happens,” Myka scoffed at Pete’s so very obvious admission. He was right though, there were truly no words for what had just developed between the four of them, so instantaneous and immediate, like they would never be quite the same after it. 

Claudia’s eyes slowly slid towards Myka, sly smirk creeping across her lips, “Well, what do you think Myka? Do I get that raise or what?”

Myka rolled her eyes, trying to fight off the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins, all because H.G.’s voice. “Though I am loathe to admit it, you do indeed Claud. Steve’s right, that was incredible you guys. H.G. you have one _hell_ of a voice.” 

The light blush that crept up Helena’s cheeks was not lost on Myka, “Thank you Myka.”

Claudia pushed a fist into the air in obvious celebration not just of the raise, but more importantly of her rightness about H.G.’s presence in the band. “I told you Myka. I was so right.”

“That you were Claud. I admit defeat at the hands of your awesomeness.” For the second time that night Myka’s fingers clasped shut her laptop, and she once again gathered her things. 

“Oh Mykes, come on you have to stay down here now! Don’t you want to revel in our greatness?” Pete had resumed his anxious bouncing up and down on his stool.

Myka gave a pointed look to Pete, “Not tonight Pete. I’m going to go upstairs for the night. Claud just make sure to lock up.” One foot was on the bottom stair when she turned around again, “Oh and H.G., I meant what I said, ignore everything Pete says and make yourself at home here, it sounds like you’ll be sticking around.”

“I’ll keep that in mind…thank you Myka.” 

The soft smile H.G. flashed her left her feeling slightly breathless, but she tried her best to recover, “No problem. Good night you guys,” and with a brief hand waved through the door frame she was gone. However, H.G. didn’t fail to notice the look that passed between Pete and Claudia at her quick disappearance, the raised eyebrows, the slight shake of the head from Pete, the obvious worry present in both of them. H.G. had the distinct impression that she had just missed something important happening, she just had no idea what. There was no time to consider it though because Pete was banging on his snare demanding the next song, proclaiming he was ready to see what else H.G. had up her sleeve. She smiled at him and said, “Oh I’ll show you what else I’ve got Pete,” the sarcasm cutting through her obvious, distracted attention at the door that so distinctly snapped shut above them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Myka collapsed against her apartment door, eyes clamped shut, hands balled into fists at her sides, her brain trying to will her lungs into regular breathing. This cannot happen, not again, not another musician. She had sworn to herself, said never again would she even remotely entertain feelings for another person who made their living in a band. That voice though, it had cut into her like a thousand little daggers, begging her to pay attention, to hear ever syllable, to watch every movement H.G. made, and the feeling that was tugging at her chest was at once so familiar and yet so foreign that she felt paralyzed. There was no denying, H.G. was gorgeous, but it was her voice that Myka couldn’t escape from, even if it wasn’t filtering through the floorboards, it would have been echoing in her mind for the rest of the night, if not for the rest of the week. She knocked her head back against the door, “Ugh, do not do this Bering. Do not. You can’t.”

She pushed herself away from the door, and went to the stereo system in the corner, willing any other noise to distract her from the sounds in her mind begging for attention. The first CD that popped on was a random mix of 80’s metal that Pete had made for her; it wasn’t really her thing, but she didn’t really care. It was loud and it was distracting and that’s what she needed. As she sought to move into the kitchen, figuring dinner was probably not a terrible idea, her eyes fell to the top of the piano that nestled next to the kitchen doorway, where there rested almost casually a guitar pick that sent Myka’s mind away from thoughts of food, or the noise downstairs, or H.G.’s voice, and completely ensnared her in memories she so desperately tried to not think about anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_University of Colorado—Colorado Springs, Fall 2000_

Freshman orientation, were there any worse words for an 18 year old to hear? Myka made her way across the quad to where a large group of students were gathered, most looking absolutely uncertain of what they should be doing. Should you try to be social? Should you hang on the edges waiting for someone to come to you? Should you wait for an “adult” to tell you what to do? Myka made her way to the sign-in table, where an over-eager upperclassman, with a too-wide smile and a too-enthusiastic voice greeted her.

“Welcomes to UCCS and freshman orientation! What’s your name?”

“Myka Bering.”

“Bering…Bering. Here you are! You’re in group thirteen, you’ll see there are little signs for each group around the quad. You can find your group and start getting to know them, they’ll be your partners for the rest of the weekend. The festivities will start in about fifteen minutes! Have fun!”

“Uh, thanks.” Myka turned away from the girl and let out a light puff of laughter. Myka was all for enthusiasm, but Jesus, some people were just too much. It was like the girl was willing her to enjoy herself, when all Myka really wanted to do was get through the day, so she could go to her interview at the radio station later. She made her way to a distant corner of the lawn where there was a huge sign with a bright number thirteen displayed. There were about ten other freshman clustered nearby, none of whom looked even remotely familiar, but then again, Myka had only met her roommate and a few other people from her floor so how could she really expect to see someone she knew. 

She walked to the fringes of the group, seeking a place to stand that didn’t look awkward, desperate, or totally out of place. It was then that she noticed a guy propped against a tree, baseball hat on backwards, wrestling shirt tight over muscles that declared he was indeed probably a wrestler, and, she quirked an eyebrow, drumsticks twirling in his fingers. Myka wasn’t usually bold, but she was intrigued by the disparate picture of this sporty guy and his drumsticks, so she approached him. Her height and his position on the ground made it seem like she was looming over him, “Hey…anyone else sitting over here?”

He looked up at her, charming smile splayed on his lips, “Nope, all yours tall gal.” The drumsticks never stopped twirling.

“Thanks.” Myka settled herself against the tree next to the wrestler/drummer, “I’m Myka Bering.” 

“Pete Lattimer, nice to meet ya,” the sticks stopped for as long as it took him to extend a hand towards her, which she took, shook, and then let resume its casual twirling. 

“You too. What’s with the drumsticks?” Myka quirked an eyebrow at him from behind her glasses.

“Never leave home without ‘em! I’m not sure I would really know what to do if I didn’t have them.” He gave a swift shrug of his shoulders and moved to start tapping a beat against the grass by his thigh.

“I take it you’re a drummer?”

“Yup. Since I was like five years old. What about you? You play?” The sticks just kept tapping. Usually Myka would find the incessant noise a bit annoying, or at least distracting, but she found it oddly comforting. Maybe it was simply the possibility of finding someone with the same interests as her in the midst of all of these 18 year olds desperate to impress each other. Pete didn’t really seem to care about any of that, and Myka certainly didn’t either.

“Drums? No. Piano, actually.”

“Don’t tell me you’re one of those ‘there is no music but classical music’ people are you? Because then I may have to end this conversation.”

Myka couldn’t help the laugh that exploded from her, “Oh my God, hell no. I mean yeah, that’s how I started out, and I appreciate it, but no, just no.”

“Then this just might be the start of a wonderful friendship Myka Bering.”

“So…are you here for music?” Myka kicked herself at how awkward she sounded, but what else do you talk about with someone you just met?

“Nah...drums have always been more of a hobby, but hey if I can find a band to play with fantastic. I’m actually here on a wrestling scholarship, so I think sports management, I don’t really know yet. You?”

“Music comp. Sound engineering. Something like that, anything with music is good by me, and I might try to do something in the English department too if I can.”

“A woman with a plan.”

“Probably too many plans,” she laughed.

“Hey your too many plans can make up for my lack of plans. You can plan for both of us.”

Before Myka could respond to Pete’s layout for their mutually planned future, which she was apparently now in charge of, the leader for their group tried his best to call them attention. He was tall, with sandy brown hair, and eyes that were piercing enough to be distracting. Myka found herself doing a slight double take at his presence amongst this awkward band of freshman who were now in his charge, at least for the next few days. 

“Alright guys, gather around for what will surely be an experience of a lifetime. Freshman orientation! I know none of you can wait to get this party train started, so I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.” Myka couldn’t help noticing the way his smile lit up his face as the sarcasm dripped through his words. “My name is Sam Martino, and for the next three days I am your source for all things UCCS. I’m only a sophomore, so just last year I was in your shoes. Feel free to ask any questions you want, and I’ll try to make this as painless as possible, I promise.”

Pete leaned over to whisper in Myka’s ear, “This will only be painless if by the end of the weekend, we know all the good places to party on this campus. Am I right?”

Myka gave him a soft smile of what she hoped seemed like agreement, though partying wasn’t quite at the top of her college must-do list. What she really was thinking though was that this weekend was going to be painless if it included staring at Sam Martino the entire time.

The day was lost to a myriad of seemingly pointless administrative tasks. Photo IDs, dining hall guidance, walkthroughs of the health center, explanations of the vast and various athletic options on campus. Myka took in as much in as she could, but as the day inched closer to evening, her mind kept drifting to her job interview. Part of her financial aid package included a slot for work study, and she was barely able to contain her excitement when she realized that one very viable work study option on campus was helping out at the college radio station. She had meant what she said to Pete, anything to do with music was good by her, so she had set up an interview even before arriving on campus. The woman she had talked to on the phone had told her to come by around 6:30 and the radio program coordinator would talk to her about some of the possibilities they might have open for her. 

After dinner, she parted ways with Pete, who had barely left her side the whole day; he had a distinct koala bear type quality that Myka found endearing as well as kind of hilarious, considering his macho, wrestling persona. The radio station was located in the basement of one of the lesser used gyms on campus, and was a chaotic collage of Christmas lights, CD swamped shelves, speakers, and more music equipment than Myka could quite process; it already felt like home. She walked past the booth where someone was at the helm of a show dedicated to “slow jams” apparently. It wasn’t quite Myka’s taste, but she would listen to anything she had to, if it meant getting a job here as a freshman. She made her way to the back of the room where there were several open doors, which appeared to be offices. One of the doors had “program coordinator” spray painted across it, and it was on that door that Myka knocked. She heard a faintly familiar voice call, “Come on in,” and when she did she was greeted with none other than Sam Martino.

He got up from behind the desk where he was sitting with his feet propped up on a stack of records, headphones dangling around his neck, “Hey! I know you. Myka right?”

Myka tried to fight off the blush that was threatening to overwhelm her cheeks, but the attempt to tamp down the blush she was painfully aware of only made her blush more. “Yeah. Hi…again.”

“Have a seat,” he gestured to the coach across from the desk. “So how was the first oh so thrilling day of freshman orientation.”

“Oh hands down, best day of my life. Engrossing stuff, but I don’t know my group leader was a bit dull.” Usually, Myka was painfully shy around people she didn’t know well, but there was something about Sam that emboldened her to feel comfortable, to _want_ to feel comfortable. 

“Bummer. Those group leaders, bunch of tools, I swear.” Sam laughed, it was a deep, full laugh that made Myka feel warm. 

“Eh some a bit less so than others.” Myka smiled at Sam, a smile that was quickly returned.

“So, Myka, my boss told me that you were coming in to hear about possible work study options right?”

“Right. My paperwork said that I should probably shoot for like eight hours a week, and when I saw that the radio station was an option, I figured that was where I wanted to look first.”

Sam had returned to his previous position, hands threaded behind his head, feet up on the desk, “Ah music buff, huh?”

“You could say that, yeah. I want to go into sound engineering and composition. I listen to whatever I can get my hands on. I really can’t get enough.”

“You sound like me when I talk about music. Most people find it annoying, I just tell them they have no soul if music doesn’t get to them at all. If that’s really how you feel, you’ll fit in perfectly here, trust me. We’re all kind of obsessed, but it makes for some fantastic conversation and a kick ass line up of shows. So when can you start?”

Myka knew her eyes were about as wide as they could get. She thought this was supposed to be an interview, a place to talk about qualifications and experience, and yet Sam seemed to just be offering her a job. “Are you serious? Don’t you want to hear if I’m even qualified to work here?”

Sam laughed, “Not at all. All I’m looking for with people who come looking for jobs are people who are passionate about music, I figure they can pick up the rest as they go along. Plus, in the beginning you’ll mostly be alphabetizing the CD collection and burning mixes for the DJs, simple enough. As long as that doesn’t sound too painfully boring for you?”

“No! Not at all. I’m in. I can start on Monday, if you want.”

“There will be some paperwork to fill out to make sure you’re covered with the financial aid office. So why don’t you meet me here around noon on Monday, we’ll go over and get that taken care of and then set up your schedule. Sound good?”

“That sounds perfect, I have class at 1:10 but I’m free before that.”

“Great. Noon on Monday, it’s a date.”

There was that blush threatening again. “Fantastic.” Myka got up and moved towards the door, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at orientation then.”

“Absolutely, as long as you think you can handle another day of my apparent dullness.”

“I’m sure I’ll manage...somehow.”

She was out the door and practically across the room when Sam called out to her, “Myka! I meant to ask…just how much of a music buff are you? You play any instruments:?”

“Yeah, I do. Piano and a little, tiny bit of guitar, but mostly piano.”

The smile Sam gave her made her knees knock together slightly, “Piano, huh? I can see that, it suits you. Guitar for me…maybe we can get together sometime, play a little bit.”

“Yeah…sure…definitely.” Myka’s bottom lip curled between her teeth at the blatantly obvious invitation Sam was offering up.

“Awesome. Alright, see you tomorrow Myka.”

“Bye Sam.”

He gave her a small wave, and turned back into his office. As she left the radio station, Myka had the distinct feeling that freshman orientation wasn’t going to be such a drag after all. In fact, college itself, might just turn out to be absolutely fantastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started writing, I wasn't planning on the flashback element of this story, but as I went on I realized that it was really necessary, particularly for Myka's side of the story. Not every chapter will have a flashback, but many will. I hope that format works for everyone, I'd love to know what you think.


	3. Come Pick Me Up

Wednesday nights at the Regent’s Café were always, without fail, crazy. If it was Tuesdays that were sacred at The Warehouse, Wednesdays were downright a spiritual experience at the Regent’s, because Wednesdays were singer/songwriter showcase night. It was a long established fact that anyone who wanted to become someone in the Colorado Springs music scene got their start at The Regent’s on a Wednesday night. It was a chance for people well-worn in the business to come and stretch their legs a bit, be free from the confines of labels and contracts and requirements, and simply play what they wanted to, test out new rhythms, new styles, new lyrics without fear of judgment. It was where they came to be nostalgic, to stoke up fires that had started to wane, and to be amongst people who understood them. Likewise, The Regent’s presented a chance for people who were distinctly green in the music industry to wade into the water, albeit at the deep end, but to get a general sense of where they stood, could they hack it or was it time to hang up the strings for good? Only those with the absolute closest hint of potential were invited to perform at The Regent’s on a Wednesday night, and when they did finally get the call that it was their turn, they made the most of it, because everyone knew that when you were on that stage you weren’t just playing for locals and contented patrons of the bar, you were playing for executives and agents and scouts who actually had a say about who gets to make music in this town. In short, The Regent’s was where everyone who had a stake in music found themselves at some point or other, having their lives made or making the lives of others.

H.G. was well aware of this fact when she interviewed for the waitressing position, mere days after moving to Colorado Springs. She had asked some of the other people who lived in her building if they could recommend some place to look for a job, and thankfully a very serene seeming girl, a little younger than herself, named Leena told her that the café where she worked had just lost a waitress and was in need of a replacement. Leena told her that if she, like so many before her, had moved to Colorado Springs because of the music, then she needed to jump and jump quickly at the opportunity presented at The Regents. Leena told her it was a sort of music mecca in the city and that working there could be a huge jumping off point for her, she would make money and contacts, and in this town the contacts were often worth more than the money. From there it all happened rather quickly, Leena took her down to the café at the start of her next shift, introduced her to the owner, Vanessa Calder, and in a matter of minutes H.G. had a job. The first thing that Vanessa had asked her wasn’t whether she had any experience, but rather if she had musical aspirations. H.G. had told her quite frankly that yes, she did, she was a singer, new to the city, seeking a band, an opportunity, anything. After that Vanessa gave her a quick once over and simply said, “You’re hired.” 

And so it was that H.G. found herself, almost a month later, working her first Wednesday night shift. It had taken a week or so after Vanessa hired her to get her on a set schedule and even then, Vanessa told her she had wanted to ease her in, let her get a feel for how things worked at the café before throwing her into a Wednesday night, but then someone called in sick, and H.G. was the only person left to call, so there she was, and she was, as to be expected, completely overwhelmed. The café was packed with twice the amount of people that were usually there. There was no doubt that on a good night, with a good band, the café filled and filled fully, but this, this was something else. There was nowhere to move that wasn’t crowded with people, except for a small area near the back where two tables remained conspicuously, annoyingly to the other patrons, vacant.

H.G. approached Vanessa who was talking to the sound guy near the back, making sure that everything was set for the lineup of musicians they had tonight, “Ah, sorry, Vanessa, are those tables back there empty for a reason, or should I seat some of these people over there, reduce the chaos a bit?”

Vanessa pointed out one last item on the setlist for the night before turning to H.G., “No, leave those open.”

H.G. quirked an eyebrow at her, not quite comprehending why you would leave tables open when there were plenty of people in need of a place to sit.

“I keep those open for a few of our regulars who come to scope out the talent.”

“Like music executives, that sort of thing?” H.G. queried.

Vanessa’s lips curled slightly at that, apparently the image was entertaining for some reason, “Not quite, no. I have a few friends in town that I have, shall we say, recruited to serve as scouts of a sort. They come on Wednesdays, listen, take notes, and if there are people they notice with potential, but who need that little extra push, they advise a bit.”

H.G. laughed softly, “Leena warned me you were meddlesome.”

Vanessa gave her a mock exasperated gasp, “Me? Never!” Vanessa’s features turned serious after a moment, and with a knowing glance at H.G., she continued, “I simply like to help talent that needs it. Enough kids aren’t given a shot in this town because they don’t have the right help. It was that fact that made me leave my job at a big, flashy record label and open this place. I like everyone who steps foot on that stage to know that here, in this place, there are people willing to help. Music is what binds us all together, H.G., and I hate to see people with amazing talent go to waste.”

It was at that precise moment that Vanessa’s eyes slid to the doorway, where H.G., who followed her gaze, watched none other than Myka Bering walk through the door.

In all of her shifts at the café so far, H.G. had never seen Myka there, and in the few, scant conversations they had had before band practice, before Myka quickly retired to her apartment as usual, Myka had never once mentioned spending time at The Regent’s. Then again, H.G. thought, she had never mentioned that she worked there either, so Myka might be just as surprised to see her there. Except, H.G.’s presence here made sense in the long run, she was in a band, she moved to Colorado Springs to find a place in the industry in some way, music was what she wanted to do with her life. Myka though, despite her dogged dedication to the store and her customers, always seemed to run from music. She never stayed to listen to them play, not once since that first night, despite Pete and Claudia’s pleas that she do just that, despite the fact that the four of them, Myka, Pete, Claudia, and Steve seemed thick as thieves every other time they were together. There was something that happened when they started rehearsal, H.G. couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but sometimes she would catch the look in Myka’s eye, a look that spoke of something…off, and then Myka would be gone with that definitive click of her apartment door, with barely a word spoken to any of them. H.G. had been with the band a month, and still didn’t feel she was any closer to understanding the mystery that was Myka Bering. So it was that H.G. watched with mingled curiosity and perplexity, and maybe just a tinge of excitement, as Myka pulled a notebook from her bag, and settled into one of Vanessa’s “designated” tables.

H.G. watched in rapt fascination as person after person after person made their way to where Myka was sitting simply to say hi. It was as if everyone in this town knew her in some way, and she greeted each one with a smile and questions about how they were, genuinely interested in each person that came her way. It wasn’t until she had been standing there, blatantly staring, blatantly not working, that H.G. realized that she, as the waitress, should probably go and see if Myka needed anything. She tried to ignore the twisting in her stomach, the increased beating of her heart, that was starting to become a regular part of her whenever Myka was around, but it was useless. She had begun to realize that this _feeling_ was just something she was going to have to get used to, because Myka wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was she, therefore the heart-pounding and the breathlessness was just going to have to be something she dealt with. Before she could make her way through the throng to Myka’s table, the bartender that night, Todd, stopped her.

“Hey, H.G., take these over to that table where the woman in the plaid shirt is sitting.” He slid a bottle of Rolling Rock and a glass of water towards her.

She looked to where he was gesturing and realized he was indicating Myka’s table. “You mean take them to Myka?”

Todd’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, “You know her?”

H.G. puzzled a bit at why he sounded so shocked, but answered him anyway, “Sort of. The band I’m in rehearses at her store.”

“Oh, right. I totally spaced on that. You’re in the band with Claudia right? She mentioned you in class the other day. I just failed to make the connection until now.”

“Indeed. Now why am I taking these over there? No one’s even asked her if she wanted anything yet.”

Todd gave her a slight smirk, “It’s her usual. This is your first Wednesday night, right?”

She nodded.

“Well, this is about Myka’s thousandth Wednesday night, so we have her order down by now.”

She took the beer and the water, but couldn’t resist one more question, “She’s here every Wednesday?”

Todd had turned his attention to wiping out a newly washed batch of glasses, gearing up for the next onslaught of customers, but looked back up at the question, “She is. She’s one of Vanessa’s people, as Vanessa likes to call them.”

Confusion nestled tighter into H.G.’s mind as she made her way towards the table. she tried to keep her hands from visibly trembling, but the closer she got to Myka, the more she realized that her efforts were fruitless, she could practically hear the ice clattering against the glass as the water sloshed in the midst of her tremors.

Myka was talking with a rather tall, dusty blonde haired man when H.G. approached. She waited patiently barely in Myka’s eye line until her conversation finished. She watched as the man gave Myka’s shoulder a squeeze before he departed with a, “ _Really_ great to see you Myka.”

Myka gave him a smile that seemed so genuine that a question ricocheted in H.G’s mind about the relationship that might have existed between them, which only brought along another pang in her stomach that she chose to ignore, because the implications of it were just too complicated. She watched as Myka adjusted her glasses and said to the man, “You too Jack. Tell Rebecca I said hi.”

As the man, Jack, turned away, H.G. slid into the space on the other side of Myka’s table, setting down the beer and the water as delicately as possible. Myka’s head turned, with a whispered, “Thank you,” until her eyes made their way up to see just who it was that had set her order down. Myka’s face registered her surprise, surprise that didn’t seem undesired however, “H.G. Hey!” H.G.’s heart did a little bit of a two-step stutter at the smile that lit up Myka’s face at the realization that it was her standing next to the table. 

H.G. tried to give Myka the same type of glowing, genuine smile that she had received, but her nerves, her questions, the mere presence of _this woman_ made it difficult, “Hello Myka. Todd asked me to bring these over for you.”

“Thanks. The bartenders have a tendency to read your mind around here. I didn’t realize you worked here. I’ve never seen you when I’ve been in before.”

“I’ve only been here a few weeks, and this is my first Wednesday night working, so I’m still a bit new to it all.”

Myka gave her a nod of understanding that caused her glasses to slide just slightly down her nose in an incredibly endearing manner. She adjusted them quickly, “Wednesdays can be a bit overwhelming. Lots of people. It explains why I’ve never seen you though. I’m usually only here on Wednesdays…” Her sentence tapered off as though she wanted to say more, but stopped herself just shy of revealing something she didn’t want to. H.G. could have sworn she saw that look Myka got at the store, that haunted look, but it was gone so quickly she couldn’t be sure. Myka cleared her throat, seeming desperate to change the subject, “Anyway, you’re lucky. This is a great place to work, Vanessa’s wonderful. Most people new to town clamor to get a job here, but they’re rarely available. How’d you manage that?”

“I live in the same building as one of the other waitresses, Leena. Right place at the right time I suppose. She told me of an opening right when it popped up, I came down here, and suddenly I had a job.”

“Like I said, lucky.” Myka gave her a crooked smile so sweet that H.G. could feel the blush creeping up her cheeks. 

Suddenly thankful for the dim lighting of the bar, she ran her fingers through her hair and looked towards the stage. “Lucky seems like it would apply to us both if you’re one of the few that Vanessa saves a table for on a night this busy.”

Myka gave a dismissive wave of her hand, “I just like to listen. A lot of the kids who play here have made their way through the store at some point or another, so I just enjoy hearing if they actually have the talent to back up the game they talk. Most don’t, but some, some are like you, talent to match the swagger.” Myka gave her the quickest of winks, and H.G. wondered if you could actually die from overheating on a account of excessive blushing. At the same time a question filtered through her mind if she was actually being flirted with, but quickly dismissed the thought as wholly ridiculous. Myka was…well there was no way that someone like Myka would be flirting with someone like her. It just wasn’t possible.

H.G. somehow managed to cover her embarrassment at Myka’s attention and teasing, though she wasn’t quite sure how. She bent down near eye level with Myka and tried to muster some of her apparent swagger, “I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment, though I should be _horribly_ offended.”

Myka leaned closer to her, ducking her head in seeming co-conspiracy, “It _was_ a compliment.”

There was an odd beat of silence between them, eyes met, smiles exchanged, that made H.G. feel warm and chilled all at once. Overwhelmed by the intensity of it all, H.G. straightened, and tried to regain her composure, “Well thank you, though I must say no one has ever described my seeming over-confidence as swagger. That is a first.” 

Myka’s lilting laughter caused H.G. to laugh in return, and in that moment it was as though no one else in the bar existed. It was just the two of them sharing this moment that couldn’t really be described. A brief tapping on a microphone shook them both from whatever just passed between them. Vanessa was on the stage seeking to draw everyone’s attention to the whole reason any of them were there in the first place.

“Good evening everyone, and welcome to The Regent’s Café. We have a fantastic lineup of music tonight, some new folks and some who have been with us before. I know all of you will welcome each and every one of them warmly. Enjoy the night, enjoy the music, don’t get too rowdy, and ya know tip your waitresses well.”

There was a ripple of laughter through the bar. It seemed this little speech of Vanessa’s was well known and well appreciated. H.G. could feel the room shift as the first act started to get ready. Before, everything had been loud chatter and scattered attention, but now the room was stilling to an almost eerie quiet, and everyone’s focus was turned towards the stage. The only noise that remained was that of clinking bottles and guitar strings being plucked for a final tuning. As the first act, a trio of girls, each with a guitar, took the stage, H.G. watched Myka’s attention shift just like everyone else’s. Their moment, if that’s what it could truly be called, vanished. Myka’s eyes were laser focused on the stage. She had a pen poised over the notebook she had laid down earlier, and it was as if H.G. was no longer there, which she realized she needed to not be, because there were other customers besides Myka who needed attention. She mustered up a few stray strands of courage and let her fingers linger against Myka’s shoulder to pull her attention. As Myka turned back to her slightly, H.G. leaned down and said simply, “If you need anything else tonight, just let me know.” She knew her voice sounded deeper than it should, for what really was an innocent offer of decent customer service, but she wasn’t quite sure she was really in control of her faculties at the moment. 

She noticed a subtle flutter in Myka’s eyes, maybe, she hoped at her tone, but if Myka was unnerved she didn’t let it show beyond that, “Thanks H.G., I will,” and her eyes immediately returned to the stage where the girls were just starting to sing. 

H.G. didn’t really have all that much time to focus on the acts that cycled through the first part of the evening. Once the music started, people became a little more demanding of the wait staff, since they didn’t want to get up and go to the bar themselves. It suited H.G. just fine, it kept her from becoming too distracted by Myka’s presence so nearby. However, she couldn’t quite keep herself from shooting a sidelong glance her way every now and then. She was fascinated by how focused Myka seemed. She gave every ounce of her attention to each new act, taking notes as they played, sometimes scribbling fiercely, other times only jotting down a few words. In between acts, more people would cycle by her table, each with words of greeting, which only served to deepen H.G.’s wonderment about Myka’s attitude at the store, her apparent apprehension about band practice, and her overall standing in this town and in the industry. A picture was seeming to form in her mind, but none of it made sense, and she couldn’t quite get all the pieces of the puzzle to fit together. She allowed herself to drift back towards Myka’s table as minimally as possible, as minimally as any decent waitress would. 

As another act exited the stage she made her way back to the table for the third time in a little over an hour. 

“Myka, do you need another beer?”

“No, I’m good, thanks H.G. I’ll take some more water though, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all, I’ll be right back.”

She returned moments later with Myka’s water and set it next to her hand, just as she was pulling away, Myka reached for the glass, and for the briefest of seconds their fingers brushed against each other. It should have been nothing, something that happened on occasion between waitresses and their customers, but both of them veritably jumped from the contact. H.G.’s heart was instantly beating faster, and she noticed Myka seeking to distract herself with anything other than what just happened.  
H.G. watched as Myka’s hand that had just touched hers abandoned the glass and reached back to rub her neck putting her nervousness practically on display. When she spoke H.G. could tell it was with a large amount of effort to sound calm, “So…H.G., your first Wednesday, what do you think of the acts so far?”

“Oh…well…I haven’t had much time to pay attention really, but some have been pretty good. Others,” she couldn’t stifle the laugh that was developing in the back of her throat, it said more than her words could.

Myka laughed with her, “I know. I told you, some don’t quite have that…”

“Swagger. Indeed.” H.G. gave her a soft smirk.

“Exactly. Swagger. You’re right though, some have been pretty good, though I can’t say I’ve been particularly blown away yet. We’ll see. The night’s still young.”

“That it is. I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”

As H.G. moved away from the table, the room fell silent once again, in anticipation of the next performer. H.G. picked up a few stray empty glasses and bottles and made her way back towards the bar. All of her tables were under control at the moment, so she savored the break and leaned back against the bar, resting her weight against her elbows, giving her aching feet a brief moment of peace. She watched as a young man, with dark brown hair that slanted across his forehead took the stage. His guitar was slung over his shoulders, as he settled into a stool in front of the mic. Much to H.G.’s surprise he adjusted a harmonica holder over his neck, and positioned himself comfortably to perform. There was something about the way he carried himself, suddenly she knew what Myka meant when she said swagger. This guy, this guy had it. She stole a look over towards Myka, only to be met with green eyes staring back at her. Myka gave her a quirk of an eyebrow, and nodded her head towards the stage, mouthing, “See?”

H.G. smiled and mouthed back, “Swagger.”

Myka gave her a gigantic smile and turned her attention back to the stage. The charm of this guy, it was magnetic. He begged for attention, and he had it. H.G. hadn’t heard the bar this quiet all night.

He cleared his throat and leaned towards the mic, “Hey guys, my name is Liam Napier. This is my first night at the Regents, so go easy on me.” He flashed a devastating smile towards the crowd, which made them, mostly the women, laugh. “Anyway, umm…this song is called ‘Come Pick Me Up,’ I hope you like it.”

Whatever H.G. had been expecting, it was not even close to what happened once Liam starting playing. He had seemed to exude a bit of frat boy boisterousness, ready to declare his love for country music and drinking, but when he started singing that exterior bravado melted away, and what was left was a man laid bare, declaring his brokenness for all to hear. It started hauntingly simple, with a blare of a chord progression on the harmonica, only lightly playing his guitar, barely teasing the strings in a slow, toying tempo. If that wasn’t enough to surprise, the voice that emerged left the entire bar speechless. Rough, quiet, with that hint of rasp that most referred to as whiskey-soaked, it was as though you could barely hear him and yet every word was crystal clear, seeping down into your bones and leaving you aching right along with him. H.G. suddenly lost her ability to care that she was working and probably needed to check on her tables, but from the air in the bar, she could tell not a single person cared, everyone sat enraptured by Liam. His lyrics were laced with pain and longing, seeming to want to expunge something from his heart while also clinging to it desperately. However, if the verses were powerful, the chorus was unearthly, and the words sunk down into H.G’s soul speaking truths she wasn’t even sure she was aware of…

Liam’s gruff tenor wrapped around each word, “I wish you would…come pick me up...take me out…fuck me up…steal my records…screw all my friends…they’re all full of shit…with a smile on your face…and then do it again…I wish you would.”

The incessant drive of the guitar kept going and when Liam added the harmonica to it you couldn’t help but get lost in it. H.G. wasn’t sure she had every heard someone sing like this, with this much honesty, with this much raw emotion. It took all her effort to pry her eyes away from the stage, but her brain was crying out to know if Myka’s reaction to this was as powerful as hers, as everyone else’s. When she glanced towards her table, it didn’t take any effort to figure out that Myka was as sunk as she was. Her pen was dangling between her fingers, hanging over the notebook, as though she had wanted, needed, to write something down, but couldn’t bring herself to do anything beyond paying attention. Her eyes never left the stage, and if it wasn’t for a shift in the stage lights at just the right moment, H.G. would have missed it, the single, solitary tear that rolled down Myka’s cheek right as Liam whispered out in a way that practically screamed, “Do you wish I was there? Do you wish it was me?” Suddenly, H.G felt like she was intruding on something very personal and she turned her gaze back to the stage, leaving Myka to whatever she was experiencing in this moment.

When Liam finished the entire bar stayed silent, it was eerie and magical, and lasted all of five seconds before raucous applause broke out. Liam gave a slightly shy smile as he uttered a small, “Thank you,” into the mic and stepped down from the stage, leaving the act to follow him in total despair as to how they could possibly do so.

H.G. shook herself from the haze that had descended into her brain, and she returned her attention to her tables. As she checked on a table near the end of the bar, she noticed out of the corner of her eye, Myka making a beeline for Vanessa. Try as she might she couldn’t resist drifting towards her customers nearest the very animated conversation that was transpiring between the two women.

“Vanessa, do not let that kid leave.”

H.G. caught Vanessa’s incredulous smile and eye roll, “Myka, I can’t very well lock the door and prevent him from leaving if he wants to.”

“I’m serious Vanessa, do not let him leave without making sure he talks to me. You heard that right?”

“I did. It was…impressive.”

“Impressive?! Vanessa it was amazing! Hands down the best performance tonight and there’s no way anyone will trump it. I want to talk to him.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Now it was Myka’s turn to roll her eyes, “I’m sure you will…”

If H.G. had been perplexed by Myka’s presence this evening, now she was downright baffled. Myka was talking to Vanessa as though she had a stake in what happened to some of these performers, as though she had a modicum of control over their fate. It didn’t make any sense. It seemed completely incongruous to most of her behavior. If she got this passionate about some kid she didn’t even know, how on earth could she seem so aloof about her best friends’ band most of the time? Never mind that, why on earth would a record store owner have that much swing or sway over some new musician’s future? She owned a store, admittedly a brilliant store, but that was all, wasn’t it? For about the millionth time since meeting her, the question echoed through H.G.’s mind, just who was Myka Bering?

The rest of the night passed with little excitement. After Liam, the rest of the acts seemed to pale in comparison. H.G felt bad for them really, because she was sure some would have sounded at least semi-decent, but in light of earlier, they just couldn’t quite capture the audience’s attention. She kept herself busy with her tables, only checking on Myka occasionally, and eventually people started to file out. The last act said their thank you’s, and Vanessa got up again to thank everyone for coming, and then it was over. She had survived her first Wednesday night, and had witnessed something fairly spectacular in the process. The patrons were slow to trickle out, each seeming to have some reason to chat with Vanessa, or Myka, H.G. noticed, before heading out for the night. Eventually the bar was empty save for Vanessa, Myka, H.G., and Liam. Todd had told H.G. the bar was cleaned up and he headed out, leaving her to finish up closing for the night. She sought to busy herself with wiping down tables and putting up chairs, but she couldn’t quite keep from eavesdropping on, overhearing she told herself, the conversation that was passing between the two woman and the newly discovered talent. 

“Liam, there’s someone that wanted to meet you before you left for the evening. This is Myka Bering.”

“Wow. I mean, hi. Sorry, I’m just a little surprised.” H.G. could _hear_ the surprise dripping from the man’s voice, and she registered a twinge of, jealousy?, in her chest at the thought that he could possibly be trying to charm Myka.

Myka’s laugh trickled into her ears like a warm wave, “It’s ok. It’s really nice to meet you, Liam. That was some performance you put on tonight.”

“Thanks. I can’t say I really knew what to expect, I’ve never really put my stuff out there for people before.”

“Well, you couldn’t tell. You were wonderful.” Vanessa’s motherly warmth seeped through her words.

Myka gave him a quick once-over, “Did you write all of that Liam?” 

“Yeah…I did.” H.G. noticed he looked practically bashful at the admission.

“Listen Liam,” Myka had her serious tone now, “you have what it takes to make a place for yourself here. Have you made a demo yet?”

“Umm…no. I mean I’ve thought about it, but haven’t quite had the opportunity.”

“Well Mr. Napier, welcome to your opportunity. Myka is willing to help you get that demo out there to the people that can do something with it.”

“Really?” Liam’s voice registered the surprise that H.G. was sure was written all over her own face. She could feel her eyebrows shooting up her forehead. 

“Yes.” Myka didn’t elaborate beyond that. “Here’s my card. The address that’s on there is my store. Come by in few days, and we’ll hammer out the details, ok?”

“Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you both. Really.”

“You’re very welcome, Liam. I’ll see you later this week.”

H.G. watched as Vanessa ushered the completely stunned Liam towards the exit, and heard her whisper to him, “Do not miss this chance. Myka doesn’t do this for everyone. Remember that, ok?”

“Yes, Miss Calder. I will, I promise.”

“Good.” Liam was almost out the door, “Oh, and Liam?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me Vanessa.”

Liam left the bar with a smile splayed across his face, while H.G. couldn’t keep the utter confusion from spreading across her own. She stepped behind the bar to settle up her receipts for the night, and make sure the schedule was set for tomorrow, while Myka and Vanessa settled into two bar stools nearby. H.G. couldn’t tell if they had forgotten she was there, or if they simply didn’t mind if she heard their conversation.

“So what do you think?” Vanessa posed the question in a way that absolutely deferred to Myka’s opinion.

“I think it’s nearly there, could just use a few tweaks.”

“Such as?”

“I wouldn’t want to weigh it down too much with more instrumentation, so maybe just add a light, very light drum line in the back, but leave the rest as just the harmonica and guitar. The stripped down sound that he had works. People want that now anyway, so it will be easy to get someone to jump on it.”

“I agree. He has enough power and sound with just those two instruments, I wouldn’t want to add much else.”

“Absolutely. The only other thing I was thinking…it might work to add a little bit more depth in the chorus. I mean he’s singing about this huge heartbreak right? Heartbreak, while also wanting them back, so what if a female voice comes in as an echo on the chorus?”

Vanessa paused to consider, H.G. caught the look on her face out of the corner of her eye. She looked thoughtful and then her entire countenance lit up, “Yes. I can hear that in my head. It would add to the emotion he’s trying to convey. It would work, as long as he’s ok with it.”

“I’ll talk to him. Then it’s just a question of who…”

“Well…seeing as it is your idea, you could…”

“No, Vanessa.” H.G. actually jumped at the quick sharpness of Myka’s voice. She stole another glance their way. Myka’s eyes looked hard, firm. 

“Myka…”

“No Vanessa. You know the deal. I will come here. I will give my input. That’s it.”

Vanessa put up her hands in defeat, “Ok…ok…you’re right. I’m sorry, that was the deal.”

What deal? H.G. wondered. She had hoped when she saw Myka walk in tonight that it might help alleviate some of her confusion about this woman, but if anything, tonight had only served to deepen it even more. She heard Vanessa continue, “Do you have any suggestions then?”

“I could talk to Claudia. Her voice would be a good fit with his.”

H.G. registered a slight twinge of offense at the immediate suggestion of Claudia, without Myka even seeming to think of her, but she was, after all, still very new to their little clique. The fact that Myka would think of Claudia right off the bat made sense, though it still stung slightly.

“Good. You talk to her. I’ll see what I can do about interest. I was thinking go to Jack and Rebecca first.”

Myka shot Vanessa a smirk, “Not giving your husband first shot, huh?”

Vanessa laughed loudly, “Umm…no. You know as well as I that Artie’s tastes run to the conventional. He doesn’t go in for kids like Liam, he would be too edgy for Artie.”

“I know. I was teasing. I think Jack and Rebecca are perfect. Jack was actually here tonight for a bit, but couldn’t stay. Pity really, he could have heard Liam first hand and we wouldn’t have to be having this conversation.”

“We wouldn’t have to meddle, as I am so often accused of doing.” H.G. looked up at that, Vanessa was indeed giving her an endearingly, incredulous look.

H.G. feigned offense, “Hey, I was only saying what I had been told. Leave me out of this. I’m just here, minding my own business.” 

“She’s just picking on you H.G., which is a good thing. She only picks on the people she likes. Trust me, I know.”

“She’s right, if anyone would know, she would,” Vanessa smiled.

A brief silence fell over the three of them, until H.G. heard Myka give a deep sigh, “This guy could be something Vanessa. I mean the way he sang…his lyrics, you could feel his heartbreak.”

“You always did have a soft spot for the broken ones…”

Myka’s voice was suddenly quiet, shy almost, “The broken ones write the best songs.”

H.G. couldn’t keep herself from blatantly staring now. Vanessa looked like she wanted to say something more, but she stopped herself at the look in Myka’s eyes. Myka looked broken herself, Vanessa could see it, H.G. could see, hell anyone who looked at Myka right now could see it.

Myka laid her hands on the bar, shifting her weight to get up. She laid a hand on Vanessa’s shoulder, “I’ll call you after I talk to Liam, and then I’ll look into getting him some time in a studio. Let me know if you talk to Jack and Rebecca.”

Vanessa laid a hand over Myka’s, “I will. Thank you, as always, Myka. It’s good to have you here.”

“It’s Wednesday. Where else would I be?” Myka’s smile was soft, sweet, happy.

Vanessa returned that smile, “Good night Myka.”

“Good night Vanessa.” As Myka moved down the bar, her eyes lingered on H.G., something like realization dawning in her eyes. “Hey, H.G. do you need a ride home?”

H.G. knew her shock raced across her face, even as she tried to hide it. “Oh…no. I can walk, it’s not that far.”

“It’ll be cold out by now. C’mon, if you’re done, I can drop you off.”

“Really, Myka it’s fine.”

“It’s no problem.”

H.G. found herself powerless to argue, “Then, sure, thanks. Vanessa, things are all set here. I’m back in on Friday.”

“Thank you H.G. You did a great job tonight, really. Not everyone can handle the Wednesday shifts.”

“I actually found it kind of fun…”

“Don’t say that too loudly, she’ll never let you have another Wednesday off H.G.” Myka had that playful, soft smile on her face again.

Vanessa gave Myka a pointed look, “Hush you. H.G., I will see you Friday.”

H.G. grabbed her purse and coat from behind the bar, “Good night Vanessa.”

“Good night ladies.”

H.G. followed Myka out the door with a wave to Vanessa. Myka led the way to her car parked around the corner. She gestured to the passenger side door, “Hop on in.”

“You really didn’t have to do this Myka. I do usually walk.”

“It’s alright, H.G, and seriously, nights here get cold, fast. I’m happy to do it. Where’s your place?”

“Over on East Boulder, right before you get to the park.”

“That’s a nice part of town. I actually went to elementary school over there.”

“Really? The school is just a few blocks from my building.”

“My parents’ shop isn’t too far from there, so that’s where I spent my oh so glorious time growing up.”

“Right, the bookstore. I actually think I went by it the other day. Is it by the high school?”

“That would definitely be it.”

It was hard to miss the tone that had sunk into Myka’s voice, a bit resigned, maybe slightly bitter. H.G. asked the next question carefully, “I couldn’t help but notice, Bering and Sons? I didn’t know you had any brothers.”

“I don’t.” That was definitely bitterness H.G. heard.

“Oh…”

Myka sighed and gave a dismissive wave of her hand, “It’s complicated. My Dad thought the name sounded better, or something.”

H.G. toyed with her fingers folded in her lap, not able to look at Myka, afraid that she had asked too much, too soon, “I’m sorry I asked, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“No, you’re fine, seriously. I’m so used to that question by now, you have no idea.” H.G. turned her eyes back towards Myka who slid her a small smile, one of reassurance that the question was indeed fine.

H.G. returned the smile, “I know a little about that. Try growing up with a name like mine.”

Myka laughed, “Right! I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. What exactly is that about?”

“It’s rather like I said when we first met; my parents are quite avid about their literature, and it didn’t take them long to discover that H.G. Wells was a distant relative of our family, so when I was born, I got the inauspicious privilege of inheriting his initials.”

“No brothers to take that bullet for ya, huh?”

“Actually, I do have a brother. However, he had to carry on my father’s family name, so he got to be Charles George Wells the fourth.”

“Leaving you with the initials…”

“Indeed. I don’t mind really, though it was a bit trying going through school constantly having to explain.”

“What do your initials stand for anyway? If that’s not too personal a question to ask…”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, something H.G had noticed she did when she was nervous or uncertain. H.G. found it both incredibly endearing and remarkably sexy. She cleared her throat to distract herself from the thoughts that had jumped into her mind. “Not at all. Helena Grace.”

“Helena.” Myka let the syllables roll around a bit, like she was testing out how it sounded. She eyed H.G., “It suits you.” 

H.G. wasn’t sure she had ever heard someone say her name like Myka just had, and it made her wish that she could somehow reserve its use solely for Myka, that Myka would call her that and that alone from this moment on, “Thank you. Few people actually call me that though. The initials were always such a novelty, that try as I might, I could never quite escape them, so eventually I just took ownership of it, and appreciated it for what it was. He was a brilliant author, so why not try to live up to the name?”

“Well, there are worse authors you could have been named after. You’re right, he was pretty amazing. Ahead of his time in so many ways. I mean he basically gave birth to the entire genre of science fiction. It’s impressive, considering the time he was living in. Who was thinking about time travel in the 1800’s? But he made it this very tangible thing, and now look around, people are fascinated with time travel, and it all started with him.” 

H.G. couldn’t help the smile that she gave Myka. Myka’s features had lit up at the topic, her words carrying through the car, magnified by her hand gestures. H.G. found her passion charming, and she appreciated finding someone else who seemed to share her love of literature. Myka caught her smile and, yet again, there was that lip curling between her teeth, “Sorry. I’m rambling. I just don’t really get a chance to talk about books with people that much, it’s usually all music, which, don’t get me wrong, I love, but I’m a bit of a book nerd too, so it’s nice.”

“Don’t apologize darling, I completely agree. I have rarely found anyone else who has shared my passion for books. It’s refreshing to find that I am indeed not alone.”

“Definitely not alone. I’ll have to take you by the store sometime. Despite my reservations about the name, my Dad has some found some incredible editions. Plus, he keeps it really well stocked, you can get lost in there, though I am slightly biased I guess.”

“I would love that.”

They drove on in companionable silence for a few minutes, but H.G. couldn’t keep the thoughts that had been racing around her mind all night quiet any longer. “So...I thought you said you just liked to listen to the music on Wednesdays, you failed to mention that you have a say in what happens when the music stops. You are quite an influential person it would seem.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Hardly. I mean, sure, I’ve lived here long enough, and because of the store, I’ve made some contacts at the labels in town, so I can help some of these kids out, but influential? No.”

H.G. gave her an incredulous look, “If you say so…Liam seemed quite baffled by your attention, like he shouldn’t have even been in your presence.”

“He’s new. He’s young. He was just flustered.” Myka’s tone had changed with the topic. She was taking on that serious, guarded tone, and H.G. hated that she had brought it on. 

“Myka, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry, _again_. It just surprised me is all.”

“No, no need to apologize. I just don’t want you getting the wrong impression, that I’m, I don’t know, _somebody_. I’m just me.”

There were so many things that H.G. wanted to say to that comment, things like Myka was more than just “me,” that she was definitely someone, but H.G. bit them all back, instead pointing to the obvious that they were near her building, “That’s me, just up there, on the corner.”

“I know this building. I have a few friends who live here. It’s nice.”

“It suits me. I like that it’s near the park, and the people I’ve met so far have been nice.”

Myka pulled up to the curb, and put the car in park. H.G. was hesitant to leave the wonderful confines of this space, but she didn’t want to awkwardly linger, “Thank you again for the ride, Myka. I do appreciate it.”

“Anytime. I guess I’ll see you Saturday morning right?”

“Another lovely morning of rehearsal.”

“You guys are doing great, truly.”

“Thank you. I just hope we can actually, I don’t know, get somewhere with it.”

Myka gave her a full on, bright smile, “You will. Trust me.”

H.G. returned the smile, “Thank you. Well, good night Myka.” As she was getting out of the car she missed the look that crossed Myka’s face, like she was deciding on something before she spoke. 

What H.G. heard when Myka did finally speak was overwhelmingly unexpected and completely breathtaking, “Good night…Helena.”

H.G. paused, and didn’t even bother trying to school her features, she leaned back down to look in the car giving Myka one last smile, a smile that she hoped conveyed her appreciation of Myka’s use of her real name. Hearing it genuinely come from Myka’s lips was, well there were really no words for what it was, wonderful seemed too insufficient. 

Myka watched as H.G., Helena she inwardly corrected, let herself into the building, turning at the open door to give her one last wave. Myka returned it, assured that the door was safely closed behind her, and only then did she, hesitantly, pull away from the curb. She took a deep breath, letting the air leave her lungs slowly, in an effort to release some of the tension that had built up throughout her whole body. The truth of the matter was that Helena unnerved her. She made her feel things she had pushed down for so long, she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. When Helena had asked about her role at the Regent’s, her role in town, she had come so close to actually telling her the truth, but that was too incomprehensible of a thing to do. She had made a promise to herself long ago that that type of openness with someone would never happen again. There were parts of her life that were cut off from the world now. They were the past, and that was precisely where they would stay. Yet, Myka couldn’t help but feel like Helena was going to make that promise very, very difficult to keep for much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is Ryan Adams "Come Pick Me Up." If you've never listened to it, I'd recommend it, it has a lot of Bering & Wells feels to it--particularly of the canon/angst variety.


	4. Shadows of the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications arise, in both Myka's present and Myka's past. The question remains, how will she handle said complications?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are sort of insanely long, but I guess that's the consequence of trying to tell, essentially, two stories at the same time. I hope as the flashbacks develop, you're able to see why they're vital to who Myka is currently, and why things with Helena are so...complicated. In the current timeline, hopefully this gives all of you who were hoping for more Myka and Helena what you were looking for. Enjoy!

_University of Colorado-Colorado Springs, Spring 2001_

“Pete! I swear to God, you better be awake; we have class in 15 minutes!” Myka shouted at a very closed door, which was keeping her out of what sounded like an ominously quiet room. “Pete!” Another pound.

“Dude, Myka, you could break down our door, it won’t help, trust me.” Pete’s roommate, Mike, was standing behind her, towel wrapped around his waist, completely unembarrassed by his distinct lack of clothing. He ran another towel through his hair, still dripping from his shower, “That guy is dead to the world.”

“Please tell me that you’re kidding. We have bio at 9, and if he misses one more class…” Myka just shook her head, there were no words for the rampant irresponsibility Pete had been showing lately. 

“Come see for yourself.” Mike unlocked the door and let Myka into their room. It really had no business actually calling itself a room, covered at is was by all their _stuff_. Mike was on the hockey team, so when you lumped all of his pads and sticks and equipment with Pete’s drums, which seemed to actually be serving more as a closet at the moment, and their general messiness, there was no real space for living. Myka picked her way through shoes and drumsticks, making her way to the unmoving lump that was currently occupying Pete’s bed. 

Standing over him, Myka’s anger seeped away. This wasn’t just Pete oversleeping, this was Pete passed out, still drunk from the night before, this was Pete in the position she had found him in too many times over the last month. “Jesus…Pete…” Myka kneeled down next to the bed, letting her bag slump to the floor, apparently she wouldn’t be going to class either, a first for the usually by-the-book Myka Bering. She tried shaking Pete’s shoulder, he barely moved. She tried to take comfort in the fact that he was breathing, that Mike had put the garbage can by his bed, that there was a glass of water on his nightstand.

Mike’s voice made her jump, “I did what I could Myka…” He was standing behind her, now thankfully fully clothed. “He stumbled in around four. They had some stupid wrestling, frat initiation thing. I stayed up until I was sure he wasn’t going to throw up, and I made sure he didn’t sleep on his back. There’s wasn’t much else I could do, I have a German exam this morning, I needed a little bit of sleep.” He looked so genuinely upset, Myka didn’t really know what to say.

“From the sounds of it, you did all anyone could have done. Is it alright if I stay? Until he wakes up at least, make sure he’s ok?”

“Totally. I need to head to the library for a bit, grab another hour of studying, and hopefully some coffee. You’re sure you’re good here?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Good luck with the German.”

“Danke!”

“Sounds like you’re ready.” Myka gave him a soft smile. Just as he was walking out the door Myka called him back, “Hey Mike?”

His head poked back through the door, “Yeah?”

“Is it just me or has this been happening a lot lately?” She tried to keep the desperation out of her voice, but she knew it was cracking through.

“It’s not just you Myka. This is the third time this week…”

“…and it’s only Thursday.”

“It’s only Thursday.” Mike shook his head, looking as lost as Myka felt. “We’ll talk later Myka, ok?”

“Yeah, we probably should. Thanks Mike.”

“Anytime,” and with a quick wave he was gone, the door shutting at the precise moment to block out the sound of the sob that tore through Myka’s lungs.

**

“He said it’s happening all the time, Sam. I don’t know what to do…” Myka’s head was buried in her hands, as she huddled into the corner of the couch in Sam’s office. She felt the cushion next to her dip down, and the warmth of Sam’s hand against her back seeping through her shirt.

“Have you tried talking to him?” Sam’s voice was calm, sure, steady, washing over her in waves.

“Kind of…I don’t know. I’ve told him in passing that I’m worried about him, but he always blows it off. You know Pete, he thinks he’s just being one of the guys, doing what college kids do, or whatever bullshit he likes to use as an excuse.”

“It’s the wrestling team. They do this every year from what I’ve heard. It’s like they don’t see it as a good year unless two of the team ends up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning.”

“But it’s not just with the wrestling team. Mike said if he’s not out, he’s drinking in the room. One of his idiot frat brothers is keeping him supplied, apparently.”

“Has Mike talked to him?”

“He has…a lot. Pete just won’t listen. Sam, he’s stopped playing his drums. They’re covered in all of his clothes. Mike said he hasn’t played in months. Pete told me that there hasn’t been a day since his dad died that he hasn’t played. If he’s stopped…that’s…well that’s not good.”

Sam leaned in a pressed a kiss against Myka’s shoulder, “I am so sorry Bunny. I will do whatever I can to help.”

Myka couldn’t help the laugh that puffed between her lips, “I still don’t get the ‘Bunny’ thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, I just don’t get it.” She turned her head still cradled in her hands, to squint up at Sam, who was giving her an indulgent smile.

He dropped another kiss to her shoulder, “It’s because of how you play your piano. When we’re playing something fast, you sort of _bounce_ when you play. You get so into it, sometimes I have to try not to laugh when I’m singing. It’s also kinda sexy…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m in crisis and you’re flirting with me. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?”

“A good one. I’m simply trying to take your mind off of it, because there’s nothing to be done tonight. It’s late and you’ve made sure Pete is in his room for the night. Mike is there with him. Nothing is going to happen tonight, and you aren’t going to solve this problem on your own Myka, certainly not right this second, even though I know you want to.”

Myka sat up and leaned into Sam’s shoulder, “You’re right. I know you’re right…I just…”

“Can’t shut your mind off, I know. Listen, Myka,I promise, we will figure this out. We will get him help, we will do whatever we have to, to keep him safe. If I have to go drag him out of that damn wrestling house myself, I will.”

“They’d break you in half.” 

Sam could feel Myka’s laughter as it vibrated through her, he moved his hand to gently lift up her chin from his shoulder, “There’s my girl.” He leaned down and gently placed a kiss against her lips, only breaking away slightly to whisper, “and they would not break me in half.” She smirked and he kissed her again, this time not so lightly. 

It had only taken two weeks of Myka working at the radio station for Sam to take her up on the suggestion that they try playing music together. It took another two weeks of near constant time spent one with the other, either at the station or at Sam’s off-campus apartment where he had a small studio set up, before Sam kissed her for the first time. They had been playing for almost two hours, when Sam finally seemed ready to call it quits, but before Myka could stand up for the piano bench, Sam was next to her, leaning down, and it was happening so quickly that she didn’t quite know how to process it. After that, it had all been relatively easy. There was never the need for the “talk,” what they were to each other, what it all meant, they were just simply and completely, Myka and Sam. And so, six months later, on that couch in Sam’s office, with Myka’s mind still reeling about Pete and the problem that seemed to be looming ever larger on the horizon, when Sam asked her softly, “Are you going back to your room or coming home with me?” Myka answered instinctively, naturally, “With you, always with you.”  
**

“I’m sorry Mykes, I can’t. I have plans. You know I have plans.”

“I know you have plans to sit in the wrestling house drinking with your frat brothers all night. I’m sorry, but I don’t really consider those plans.” The noise and clatter of the dining hall was loud enough to drown out the rising in Myka’s voice. It had been two weeks since Pete had missed class, two weeks since he had been informed he would not be passing bio this semester, two weeks since Myka finally sat him down and told him she was worried, two weeks since Pete told her she had nothing to worry about and walked out of the room. Nothing had changed, except now Myka was unwilling to keep her opinions about the _activities_ Pete was taking part in quiet. It hadn’t necessarily helped, but Myka had noticed that Pete at least had the grace to look slightly guilty some of the time. This was one of those times. 

Pete shoved another chocolate chip cookie into his mouth, “Mykes, if I bail, there are consequences.”

“Asinine consequences, like you have to run a zillion laps at practice the next day. Pete this is ridiculous, punishing you if you say no to one night of drinking.”

“It’s all about team camaraderie, we have to have each other’s backs, so it’s good to spend, I don’t know, time together.”

Myka couldn’t stop her gargantuan eye roll, “Time together? You’re kidding me right? That’s a lame excuse to make all the freshman drink. I’d tell them to take me to a fucking movie.”

That at least earned a laugh from Pete, before his features stole back into that ashamed guise, “Think what you want Myka, but I love wrestling, and I’m not going to risk my spot on the team.”

“Won’t risk your spot on the team, but you’ll risk your liver and most likely your life if you keep going like this.” Glancing up at the clock on the wall, Myka realized she had ten minutes before her next class. “Look, Pete, I have to go, but I will say it again, for the thousandth time. I’m worried about you, and I just wish for once you’d actually listen. I’ll see you later.”

Pete looked like he was going to say something, but right as Myka stood up, their table was descended upon by two of his teammates, who were shaking Pete’s shoulders and going on and on about how tonight was going to be “epic.” As Myka left the dining hall, she glanced back to the table in time to see Pete give her a quick wave and a look so pitiful she didn’t know if she wanted to scream or cry.

**

“Your amazing skills of convincing failed to sink in huh?” Sam draped an arm around her shoulder as he walked her out of the music building. She had just gotten out of music comp, and Sam had been in the music office working on papers that were due in a few weeks, but now with an entire weekend ahead, both were happy to be free of the building they practically lived in.

“Nope. I don’t know what else there is to do, besides, I don’t know, calling his mother.”

“Well…”

Myka playfully slapped his chest with her free hand, the other was wrapped possessively around his waist, “I was kidding!”

“Kidding or not, we might be quickly getting to the point that there aren’t many other options.”

“I’ve met Pete’s mom once, and let’s face it, we haven’t even known each other a year, it’s hardly my place to tattle on him. Plus, that woman has enough on her plate from what Pete’s told me.”

“Bunny, you may have only known each other a few months, but that boy is your best friend. He has been from day one, I could tell just by watching you two at orientation. This is your place Myka, if that’s what you think might be the best thing to do, and my place is by you, and I will stand by you whatever choice you make.”

Myka’s steps stalled, pulled up short by the openness and the honesty that was shining out of Sam’s eyes. They’d been together for months, but she still couldn’t quite understand how, how someone so sweet, so giving, so, let’s face it, hot, could want to be with her. She was just Myka. Myka with her plaid shirts and her thick-rimmed glasses. Myka with her music obsession and her bookshelves sagging with one too many paperbacks. Myka who wasn’t the son her father wanted, Myka who wasn’t the princess daughter her mother wanted. Yet, it was Myka that Sam, seemed to, incomprehensibly, want. She turned towards him, his arms instinctively circling around her waist, “Thank you,” and she pushed up on her toes to lay a light kiss against his lips. “You are the one thing that has made any of this easy. Thank you for understanding.”

Sam leaned down for another kiss and tucked one of Myka’s ever-wayward curls behind her ear, “You’re welcome Bunny, you know I’m here for you, no matter what. Myka…” Something that looked an awful lot like nervousness flitted across his face.

Myka pulled back just slightly in his embrace, wanting to look more fully at his face that looked so concerned, “What is it?”

“I…I just want you to get that I’m in this with you, that I…I love you.”

Myka knew the smile that was spread across her face was probably just this side of giddy, but she couldn’t help it. She leaned up, kissing him yet again, this time not so lightly. “I love you too.”

She realized she may not get why, but she felt it all the same, that Sam loved her, and there was no question in her mind that that was exactly what she felt for him. 

Sam pulled her into another kiss before breaking away and tucking her back under his shoulder, “So it’s Friday night, what shall we do with ourselves? Want to grab dinner and then head back to my place, play a little bit? If we actually want to do that whole open mic thing next week, it probably couldn’t hurt.”

Myka squeezed Sam’s waist tight to her, “That sounds perfect, except, I think I’d prefer your place first, we can worry about the rest of the night later.”

**

“You ready for this?” Sam leaned in to whisper in her ear, not wanting his voice to echo across the stage whose wings they were standing in.

“I have no idea.”

“Well, I think we’re ready. If that counts for anything.”

“It does. It definitely does. Plus, it’s just an open mic, right? It’s not like it’s a big thing, there are barely fifty people here. It’ll be fine.” The deep breath that Myka forced through her lungs begged to differ on the fineness of everything, but she figured maybe if she acted fine, she would start to feel that way. 

“Do you want to go over the set list one more time? Just to make sure?” Sam’s words sounded rushed, and Myka could tell he was more nervous than he was willing to let on.

“Sure. Yes, let’s do that. Give us something to do.”

“Ok. Good.”

“If I’m not mistaken, I might say that you, Sam Martino, are nervous.”

He shot her a playful glare, that quickly descended back into a look of panic, “Ok, yes, maybe a little.”

Myka gave him a light kiss, “It’s going to be great. Now, set list?”

“Right. Everyone gets between 10 and 15 minutes, so I figure that gives us about three songs?”

“Sounds about right, because we’ll probably need to talk a little in there. Which I will absolutely leave to you.”

“No problem, that I can handle. I am devilishly charming, you know.”

“That I do, Martino, that I do.” Another light kiss laid to a slightly scratchy, five o’clock shadowed cheek.

“So start out upbeat right?”

“Right. ‘Ridin’ in My Car.”

“Then slow it down, back off a bit, ‘Collide.’”

“Close with the mix we did of ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand.’ Simple enough.”

Sam shot Myka another hesitant look, “Actually…I was thinking maybe we change the last song.”

“What? Sam we’re next up. We can’t do that.”

“Yes we can. Myka I haven’t been able to get that version of ‘Shadows of the Night’ that you did last week out of my head. I think it’s perfect. C’mon live a little, trust me on this.”

Myka’s bottom lip curled between her teeth, fingers twirling around one of her curls, debating, weighing her options. The scales were tipped by the look of excited exuberance in Sam’s eyes, “I swear if I didn’t love you Martino…”

“Yeah but you do, so it works.” He kissed her then, long, soft, and slow. “Good luck out there Bunny. Let’s do this thing.”

“Lead the way…”

Sam’s last minute change was the right call. Their audience, small though it might have been, lapped it up. Myka had been toying with a stripped down, acoustic version of the 80’s classic, working her “magic,” as Sam called it, on the vocals, turning it into something haunting, yet promising all at once. The audience was enchanted by Myka, her voice, the way she leaned into her mic when she sang, the way she looked at Sam when he joined her on the chorus, everything about her. She actually heard someone in the audience give, what sounded an awful like a stunned “wow” when they dropped out their instruments completely, and left the line, “You can cry tough baby, it’s alright. You can let me down easy, but not tonight,” to echo through the silence, only to have Myka’s piano come back in almost immediately to speed them into the chorus. Myka knew the way she was looking at Sam made it completely obvious to everyone how they felt about each other, but she couldn’t help it, something happened when they sang together; the world melted away, all of her usual issues of self-confidence, her fears, her doubts, they disappeared.

They finished their set, took a small little bow, and were almost bowled over by the applause that followed. Not a bad reaction for their first time out. They had barely made it back to the corner where they had stashed their stuff when they came in before they were being stopped by a woman in her mid-50’s, whose eyes were reflecting back at them the excitement they both felt.

This woman, this woman who looked like someone’s mom, laid a hand along Myka’s arm, “May I talk to you two for a second?”

Myka gave Sam a sidelong glance, and he responded with a subtle shrug of his shoulders, before turning fully to the woman, “Sure.”

She pulled them into a room that was hidden in the back of the club, that seemed like it was reserved for nights when actual, legitimate bands were playing, not just a bunch of local kids goofing around. 

She settled herself against the vanity that took up one whole wall of the room, while gesturing for Myka and Sam to take a seat on the couch opposite. This woman, whoever she was, didn’t beat around the bush once they sat down, “It’s Myka and Sam, right?”

They both just nodded.

“I guess I should introduce myself first. My name is Vanessa Calder…”

Myka couldn’t stop herself, “Like the Vanessa Calder who owns the Regent’s Café downtown?”

Vanessa gave Myka a soft, knowing smile, “The very same. Local girl, huh?”

A slight blush crept into Myka’s cheeks, “Yeah. My parents own the bookstore a few streets away from your place.”

“Bering and Sons? Really?”

“That’s them.”

“Well, what a small world. I’ve been to their store quite a few times.”

A small silence stole over the room at the apparent familiarity of their situation, but eventually Vanessa cleared her throat and continued. “Anyway, Myka, Sam, part of what I like to do is come out to little nights like this, as kind of, oh I don’t know, opportunities to scout local groups, see if anything catches my attention. You two have certainly accomplished that. May I ask, how long have you been playing together?”

Myka looked at Sam doing the mental calculations, then answered, “A little over six months.”

Vanessa looked shocked, “Is that all? I would have guessed it was much longer, you play like you’ve known each other forever.”

“Tonight is actually the first time we’ve played in front of people,” Sam spoke in a bashful tone Myka had never heard before.

“You two are just full of surprises aren’t you? Well, I’ll cut to the chase, I think you two are fantastic, but you’re young, and if you’ve only been together for six months, I would imagine you’re still working some things out. So, I’ll tell you what, give yourselves, another, say, six months. Keep working, keep experimenting, and then give me a call. I’ll get you on the schedule at the café, and we’ll go from there. Sound like a plan?”

Myka and Sam were both too shocked to do anything other than mumble rushed out, “Sures” and “absolutelys,” and then Vanessa was handing them both her card, shaking their hands and turning to leave.

Before she left the room, she turned back around, “Just one more question? Which one of you arranged the Pat Benatar?”

Sam beamed, “That was all Myka.”

Vanessa nodded, “It was…impressive. Keep that up Myka.”

Myka blushed, “I will.”

“Good,” and with another nod and a wave, Vanessa was gone.

Sam turned to Myka, shock written across his face, “What the hell just happened?”

“I honestly have no idea.”

“It sounded an awful lot like a step towards something.”

“Something covers it I think,” Myka chuckled.

Sam threw his arms around her, kissing her ear, “This could happen Bunny. We could do this. We could be something.”

Myka squeezed Sam tight, tears lining her eyes, “We could Sam, we really, really could.”

**

_Colorado Springs, mid-November, 2010_

Myka lived by routine. There was a steady, sure flow to her days and weeks, and that flow worked for her. It kept her balanced, it helped her life make sense. However, sometimes routines change, which was the current case in Myka’s life, because somehow, without even really knowing when it happened, Helena Wells had become a huge part of her balanced, steady, routine life.

It was such a subtle shift that Myka almost didn’t notice it happening. In fact, she didn’t notice it happening, until it had permanently changed, and there was no going back to her old normal. This routine-altering first occurred to her on a Monday in mid-November. Mondays for Myka had always been Claudia days. Mondays were the only day that they actually worked together. Claudia’s other shifts were times that gave Myka a break—Thursday afternoons, Saturday mornings. Claudia was the only person that Myka trusted to manage things on her own, without supervision; Myka couldn’t quite say that about her other employees. She loved them, but they weren’t Claudia. Generally, Myka felt that if Claudia was manning The Warehouse, then all would still move smoothly, so whenever Claudia worked, it gave Myka some time for herself. Except for Mondays, Mondays were their day together. What this particular Monday brought home to Myka though was that these days were no longer just hers and Claudia’s, no, Mondays were distinctly, routinely, now Myka, Claudia, and Helena’s. 

It had started simply. The Regent’s was closed on Mondays, which meant that Helena never had to work on Mondays, so she would stop in on occasion to say hi. Saying hi eventually turned into she and Claudia taking advantage of Claudia’s breaks to work on new material, to hole themselves up in a corner and write as fast and as feverishly as they could until Claudia had to resume work. Stolen moments of writing eventually turned into Helena spending most of Monday afternoon’s at the store, writing solo, helping out some, getting the band’s instruments prepped and ready for Tuesday night rehearsal, but mostly, dominantly, constantly, talking to, glancing at, and wondering about Myka. Once that shift happened, it didn’t take long for things to settle into a new normal.

The store would open at ten, Claudia and Myka would prep for the week, clean up a bit, restock the shelves, and get online orders ready for shipment. Business didn’t really pick up until the afternoon, so they used the morning to get done whatever needed done before the customers would start rolling in. It also gave them an opportunity to talk, to catch up, and to blast the speakers a bit louder than they usually would with customers wandering around. Yes, Monday mornings were a small pocket of relaxation and ease for both Claudia and Myka. Myka relished this time with Claudia. She was young and exuberant; she helped Myka feel free, unencumbered. She reminded Myka about all the _joy_ there was in what they did for a living, because the reality was, on her worst days, on the days when her past crept back into her present, Myka had a tendency to forget. Claudia served as a joyous touchstone for Myka, she had ever since Myka moved back to Colorado Springs and opened the store.

Initially, Myka had thought she could run the store alone, handle it all on her own, because let’s face it, life was easier going solo. She harbored this delusion for all of two weeks, before it became painstakingly obvious that she needed help, unless she wanted to collapse in an exhausted heap before the store had even truly gotten off the ground. So, begrudgingly, she had put up want ads, and within days, there was Claudia Donovan, 19 years old, tech-savvy, coffee-addicted, and so passionate about music it practically vibrated off of her. They had hit it off immediately, particularly since Claudia came fully-loaded with ideas about getting an online branch of the store running and how they could start up an instrumental section of the store, specializing in guitars and pianos.

“When our powers combine, Myka, we could become the premier provider of musical goods for artists in town. I’ll cover the axes, because let’s face it, I should; you cover the ivories, and we could become the go-to place for all musical needs.”

Myka was powerless to disagree with any of Claudia’s ideas, they were brilliant, well-thought out, and helped get the store get off its feet. In so many ways, Claudia made The Warehouse what it was today. Myka had the connections, the suppliers, and the reputation around town, while Claudia had the _pulse_ of the current culture, the wider vision, and the never-ending energy. Myka had originally envisioned a small, indie record store, and she got that in spades, but with Claudia’s help, she also got a thriving online market and the best stock of instruments available in town. Claudia had given Myka a new lease on life. She helped Myka _forget_ , and thus helped her move forward, and for that Myka would always be grateful.

It was because of this impact that Claudia had made on her life that Myka was not shy about admitting that she had grown extremely protective of the young girl. Myka had watched her grow, listened to her get better and better on the guitar, heard her come into her own as a singer, seen her take on a deep level of leadership with the band, and find her voice with her writing. Myka knew, felt it deep down in her gut that Claudia had what it took to make it, and it was this love for Claudia that had made Myka so hesitant about Helena at first. She feared that Helena’s presence would cause Claudia to be overshadowed. Their new Monday routine had served to prove Myka one hundred percent wrong in her fear.

“Yes, but what were you _feeling_ in that moment darling? You can’t just say heartbroken, it’s too vague, give it a life, give it a power, say how it _felt_.”

“It felt heartbreaking H.G. It’s that simple.” Claudia’s head seemed to be in a constant state of disapproving shakes as H.G. tried to pull words out of her.

“Heartbreak is never simple Claudia, if it was people wouldn’t bother writing songs about it.” 

“She’s right about that Claud! Listen to her!” Myka shouted from behind the counter, where she was working on a new batch of orders for the holiday season. She shot a quick side smile at Helena, who returned it with one that was soft, understanding somehow. Myka found herself wondering just what exactly Helena knew about heartbreak.

Her reverie was quickly chased away by a laugh spilling from her lips, induced by the eyeroll Claudia shot Helena while her back was turned. Claudia and Helena were where they always were on Mondays, huddled on the stage, legs curled underneath themselves, heads buried in notebooks full of scribbles and lines that might some day work, all the while, Claudia ate the lunch that H.G. practically force fed her.

“Good Lord, H.G. you are worse than my mother.”

“If you have any hope of actually having stamina on stage, you need to eat. I don’t care if I sound like your mother, now eat!”

“Aye aye Captain,” another eye roll, followed by a begrudging bite of the salad Helena pushed in front of her.

“Now, are we actually, ever going to finish this song, or are you determined to let it just sit here, woefully left behind.”

“No, we will finish it.”

“Ok, then talk to me, don’t think, just say what that moment felt like, the first thing that comes to mind.”

There was a long pause, “Ugh I don’t know H.G., I write this so much better in my journal, than when I have to think about feeling it.”

“Claudia, that’s it!”

Claudia gave her a perplexed look, “What’s it?”

“I could write it better than you ever felt it.”

“Oh geez thanks for the vote of confidence H.G.”

“No, Claudia, that’s the line! I could write it better than you ever felt it. You said before that you never felt like he was all in right? Like you could never tell how he was feeling, there you go. You can write your heartbreak, better than he ever even felt it. It’s perfect.”

“Holy shit. H.G., that is…that’s…”

“Brilliant.” Myka’s voice echoed around the store. Helena turned back towards her, a look of questioning, but also appreciation on her face. “I’m serious, Helena, that line is brilliant. It’s cutting and kind of sarcastic, but heartbreaking all at the same time. It perfectly encapsulates what you’re trying to say.”

Myka caught the brief blush that tinged Helena’s cheeks, “Thank you, Myka. I have been known to have flashes of brilliance every now and then, though I must admit the moments are few and far between.”

“Somehow, I highly doubt that,” and there were those smiles exchanged again, Myka’s slightly crooked, slightly secretive one and Helena’s soft, knowing curve of her lips. The moment seemed to pause between them until Claudia’s voice pierced the silence.

“H.G! I have the next part of the chorus, after the hallelujah. ‘I thought I loved you, but it’s just how you looked in the light.’ It bridges the two parts we already have written together.”

It seemed like it took a great deal of effort for Helena to turn her eyes away from Myka, but Claudia’s insistence was enough to accomplish the task, “Claudia that’s wonderful. I think we’re nearly there. Now if we can just figure out a bridge, we’ll be all set.”

Though she didn’t want to interrupt, yet again, Myka was starving, “Hey, Claud, I’m going to sneak out to grab lunch. You got this while I’m gone?”

“No problem-o Myka. I’ll be here.” Claudia shot her a quick thumbs up, fingers still twiddling her pen, her nose still buried in the notebook.

“Wait! Hold it right there.” Helena’s tone caught Myka off-guard. She turned back towards them, keys in hand, ready to head out.

“What?”

“Claudia may be correct about the mothering, I suppose, but I will not sit here one more Monday, and watch you eat that stuff you dare to call food.”

“They’re called Happy Meals Helena, and they are amazing.” Now it was Myka’s turn to roll her eyes, this was not the first time they had had this conversation, and Myka knew it wouldn’t be the last.

“They are horrifying. Here. Eat this. Immediately.” Helena held out a salad just like Claudia’s towards Myka. 

“Helena, you really didn’t need to do that.”

“I appreciate that darling, but it is just as much for my benefit, as it is for yours. I can’t stand watching you eat those things.”

“Well…thank you…I guess.” Myka took the salad from Helena’s hands, letting her fingers briefly brush against Helena’s in the process. 

“You’re welcome.” Helena gave her a quick wink at their brief touch of contact, then released her grasp on the container. 

As Myka walked back towards the counter, Helena called out, “I will never understand how a woman who refuses to eat sugar on principle, aside from your beloved Twizzlers, could actually eat fast food anyway.”

“Hey! There will be no Twizzler bashing in my store! And I think I’m allowed to have one, minor flaw aren’t I?” Myka shot Helena a look over her shoulder as she moved back around the counter.

“Oh yes, only one darling. Now eat the damn salad.”

And so it was that Monday became not just the day that Myka and Claudia ran the store together, or the day that Claudia and Helena got together to write, but also the day that Helena, always, without fail, brought Myka lunch.

**

But it wasn’t just Myka’s Mondays that were different, now that Helena had entered all of their lives. Myka’s Mondays weren’t even the thing that had changed the most due to Helena’s presence. No, the biggest, most Helena-fied change went to Myka’s Wednesdays. 

Wednesdays had always been a bit different for Myka. They were days that drew her at once outside of her comfort zone, and yet also into an inner circle of people she cared about and felt safe around. Wednesdays at the Regents were the days when Myka was most like the Myka Bering that people in Colorado Springs remembered, because at the Regents, she was a part of something, she had a reputation, and her opinion mattered. People at the Regents respected Myka by instinct and deferred to her, even when that was the last possible thing that she wanted. Wednesdays were weird for Myka, because there was a part of her that liked the familiarity, liked that she could slide back into this part of her life and maybe, possibly make a difference, liked that for a few hours a week she could remember what it was like to let music fill you so completely that you wanted nothing more than to drown in it. Yet, there was another part of her that feared Wednesdays, because they made her remember, they made her realize that other people remembered too, and she just wanted them to forget, she desperately wanted them to forget, because if they forgot, then maybe, possibly, finally, she could too. It was this push and pull that kept Myka always rooted to her table on Wednesdays, but always welcomed other people’s company at the same time. She wouldn’t seek them out herself, she wouldn’t open up conversations, but if they came to her, if they wanted to talk, if they wanted to reflect, she would never turn them away. These people, so many of whom had known Myka since she was a child, were her family, and she knew she would always be bound to them, that was why she returned to Colorado Springs in the first place, because it was really, truly, home. Yet, sometimes, Myka wished she could just sink into the background, that Wednesdays at the Regents could just be about listening and not about being Myka Bering. Sometimes Myka wished that no one knew her, that she was just another face in the crowd, that she was someone with a past that was her own and no one else’s.

Yet, somehow, Helena’s presence at the Regents, made Myka’s Wednesday’s start to feel less, conflicted. She found herself looking forward to Wednesdays more than anything, and that was largely because she got to see Helena alone, without the band, without Claudia. Myka tried to convince herself that her newfound excitement was because she was moving on with her life, that she was rediscovering her passion for music, that after the discovery of Liam she was reinvigorated to get other young artists out there. She tried to tell herself that Wednesdays brought her joy for any reason other than Helena, yet a voice in the back of her mind, and a tugging at her heart that she desperately wanted to ignore, was always there to remind her that it was really, all about Helena. However, Helena brought her own kind of push and pull into Myka’s life, because while Myka reveled in the opportunity to see her, to talk to her, to learn more about her life, she simultaneously dreaded that Helena would discover more about her, that her past would catch up to her, and then it would all be out there, and she would have to explain it, and talk about it, and all those things that Myka just didn’t do anymore. Yet, it never stopped Myka from seeking more time, more opportunities, more Helena. And so it was that every Wednesday always ended the same way, conversations with Vanessa, recaps of the night’s talent or lack there of, sidelong, hopefully discrete, glances at Helena as she cleaned up, all culminating in the same question, week in and week out. 

“Helena, do you need a ride home?”

“Honestly, Myka you really don’t have to keep doing this. How many times do I have to tell you I can walk?”

“How many times do I have to tell _you_ that it’s cold, and it’s not a problem, and I’m happy to do it?”

“Whatever shall you do when it is no longer cold, darling? You’ll have to find a different excuse to get me in your car, because that line has an expiration date.”

Myka fought off the blush that was threatening to overwhelm her face, “Well, tonight is not that night. At this rate, I shouldn’t even have to ask, you should always just assume, it’s a Wednesday, Myka is driving me home.”

“I distinctly recall just last week, Claudia telling me I sounded like her mother, I do believe she would say the same thing to you if she could hear you right now.”

“Well, Claud isn’t here, and I’m picking up my keys, and you’re putting down that glass, and heading to my car.”

Helena teased an eyebrow up at her, “Sassy one tonight aren’t you?”

“I swear you two are worse than me and Artie.” 

The look that Myka shot her at that was enough to silence any further commentary on Vanessa’s part.

“So are you ready?” Myka turned back to Helena, seeking to school her eyes so they didn’t betray the excitement that always coursed through her veins at this point of her Wednesdays, where she was just inches away from a few scant moments alone with Helena.

Helena gave a deep sigh, “I am, since I am apparently incapable of denying you anything with that look on your face.”

Myka quirked an eyebrow, “I’ll have to remember that.” She tried to keep her cool, all the while she was inwardly kicking herself that her attempt at self-control had failed so miserably.

“Good night Vanessa. I’m on afternoon shift tomorrow, so I will see you,” Helena stole a glance at her watch, “in a few hours, I suppose.”

Vanessa gave her a soft smile, “See you tomorrow. Good night ladies.”

“Good night Vanessa. See you next week. Tell Artie I said hi.”

“I will. Thanks Myka.”

Helena slung her bag over her shoulder, “Alright Bering, let’s get me home shall we?” She ushered towards the door with an open palm.

“So pushy. You’d think I was _forcing_ you to let me drive you home.”

Myka wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Helena give such a deep and exaggerated eye roll, “You are insufferable!”

Vanessa called out, “She’s been that way as long as I’ve known her H.G., I wouldn’t fight it.”

Myka turned a mock-glare to Vanessa, “Thank you for _that_ Vanessa! Ya know, I may not come back next Wednesday, if I’m going to have to keep dealing with such abuse at the hands of you both.”

“Ah you’re tough you can handle it. Now get that woman home, or I’ll be calling you when she wanders in late tomorrow.”

“Yes ma’am,” Myka gave Vanessa a small salute, then turned back to Helena, steering her by the elbow towards the door, “C’mon you.”

“Drive safely ladies!” As the door shut behind them, Vanessa could only shake her head, wondering if those two were really as clueless as they seemed, or if they saw what everyone else was starting to see between the two of them.

Helena slid comfortably into Myka’s car, feeling the familiarity of it envelope her as Myka started the engine, and turned on the CD player. The music surprised Helena, “Is this?”

“Liam’s demo? Yeah, it is. Vanessa dropped off a copy at the store yesterday, hot off the presses.”

“I didn’t think it was possible that he could sound better than he did, but wow.”

“I know, right?”

“From the sounds of it, your recommendations paid off.”

“They were suggestions, I would hardly lay claim to them.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, do you know that?”

Myka didn’t respond, just gave Helena a quick glance and a smile that was more like a grimace.

Helena sought to redirect the conversation, “So Claudia was able to help him out? She sounds fantastic with his voice.”

“Yeah, she met up with him last week to record. They sound really good together, not as good as you sound with her, but I think she was the right fit for what Liam needed.”

“So what’s next for young Liam?”

“I don’t know honestly. It’s not really my area, I just found him some recording space. Vanessa will probably help him get the demo out there, hopefully set him up with a few meetings, and see what happens.”

“Well, I hope it works. The world needs to hear this boy.”

“I couldn’t agree more, but if nothing comes of it, at least one good thing came out of this whole thing.”

Helena gave Myka a confused look, “And what is that?”

Myka returned Helena’s look with a conspiratorial, sly smile, “Claudia informed me that she took Steve with her to the recording studio, and apparently he and young Liam hit it off quite well. They’ve already been on a couple dates.”

Helena gave a soft lift of her eyebrows, “Impressive. Good for them. Steve is so shy sometimes, it’s good to hear that he’s getting out there a little bit.”

“I always joke with him that he is the stereotypical bass player, completely unassuming, shy, quiet.”

“He is the polar opposite of Claudia, it is a wonder how close they are.”

“They’ve been like that since the moment they met. I think they balance each other out. Steve helps tone down Claud’s crazy.”

“Sounds a bit like two other people I know…”

“Who?”

Helena just shot Myka an incredulous look.

“Me and Pete?”

“Yes, darling, you and Pete.”

Myka gave a slight shrug of her shoulders, “I guess it is kind of the same.”

Helena laughed, “Pete is absolutely bonkers, and yet you are the one person who can calm him down. I would say it is exactly the same.”

Myka’s laugh rang through the car, and nestled somewhere deep in the pit of Helena’s stomach. “He is isn’t he? But he’s sweet, and he’s my best friend, so I have just learned to deal with it.”

“I’ve never actually heard the story of how you two met.”

“First day of college orientation. We were in the same group, Pete was sitting under a tree twirling a pair of drumsticks, I introduced myself, he referred to me as ‘tall gal,’ and that was that. We’ve been pretty inseparable ever since.”

“Just how inseparable?” The lilt in Helena’s voice said more than Myka needed to hear.

“Me and Pete?! No! No. No. Just no. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but no, never.”

Helena was laughing so hard she could feel tears building up in her eyes, “Try to be a little bit more adamant about that darling.”

Myka’s laughter soon joined Helena’s, “I’m sorry, it’s just, ugh something I don’t ever want to think about. It kind of creeps me out actually, he’s like my brother.”

“Ok, so definitely not Pete, but what about anyone else? Any Liam’s in your life Myka?” Helena tried to sound playful, casual, just a friend being curious about another friend’s life, when inside her heart was ready to pound out of her chest.

Myka’s laughter died away a bit too quickly for Helena’s liking or comfort level, and something passed across her eyes that made Helena nervous, “Nope, no Liam’s, no anybody’s.”

Helena shook her head and turned to stare out the window, “I swear you’re going to stop offering me rides if I keep managing to ask you personal questions out of nowhere during them.” 

“You worry way too much about that, do you know that? It’s fine Helena, trust me. I kind of like that you ask, it’s nice knowing someone wonders about me. That hasn’t always been the case in my life,” Myka pulled herself up short, her features betraying a realization that she had said way more than she ever intended to. She immediately changed course away from herself, deflecting back to Helena, “What about you though, huh? I see the way guys flirt with you at the store, at the café. Any Liam’s for _you_?”

All Helena wanted to do was look at Myka right that second and tell her unequivocally no, and exactly why that answer was no, but instead forced herself to keep looking out the window at the city lights passing by, “No, not at the moment. The men at the cafe, it’s a bit annoying really, but I guess it’s part of the territory sometimes. However, they aren’t exactly my type.”

Myka desperately wanted to ask what exactly that meant, but it was at that precise moment that she pulled up to Helena’s building, bringing their conversation to a swift, if unsatisfying, conclusion. 

“As usual, thank you for the ride home.”

“As usual, you’re very welcome.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Bright and early. What time do you have to be in to work?”

“Noon, which is also when the store opens, yes?”

“Yup, on the dot. So I’ll meet you around nine?”

“Nine is perfect.”

“Great. Good night Helena.”

“Good night Myka.”

And so Myka’s Wednesday ended, like all her Wednesday nights ended lately, with her watching and waiting until Helena got into her building and gave her another wave good night, and only then being able to barely bring herself to pull away from the curb, hoping that the hours between now and the morning passed quickly.

Because the morning would bring the final example of just how deeply Helena Wells had wedged herself into Myka’s structured, routine life. This change was the one that had taken the most getting used to, after all Helena being at the store, bringing her lunch, Myka driving her home, it all had a sense of casual, convenience to it. All those things felt like natural consequences of them being in the same place at the same time, nothing necessarily pre-meditated, or pre-planned. But this change, this change required planning and coordination, and was wholly intentional once it began. 

It started about a month after Helena had started with the band, but before the Mondays and the Wednesdays had become a _thing_ , and it happened at first, completely by accident. Myka had been out for her morning run, moving through her usual path, weaving through town, making her way slowly but surely to the woods. It had been a run like any of her other previous thousands, until that is, she practically ran right into Helena. Myka had been distracted for all of two seconds, fiddling with her iPod, trying to change a song that had made its way erroneously onto her running playlist, and in those two seconds, Helena had appeared out of nowhere, running in the opposite direction. Myka barely had time to skirt away from her, avoiding the near collision, and practically running into a tree in the process. Both of them had stopped, flustered, surprised, and a little embarrassed. 

Myka sought to catch her breath, “Hey, H.G.! God I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

Helena was bent double, hands on her knees, apparently Myka had caught her mid-sprint, “Quite…alright. Are you…ok?”

“Yeah. Fine. Tree kind of stopped my momentum.”

“Right.” H.G. righted herself, and took in Myka, tight running pants wrapped around her legs, ear buds dangling off her shoulder, her unruly curls tied up in an uncharacteristic ponytail. The thought crossed her mind that no one had any right to look that good mid-run.

What H.G. didn’t know was that similar thoughts were running through Myka’s mind as she tried to not stare at the way H.G’s t-shirt clung to her, or the way that her calves flexed as she stretched them out. 

Myka didn’t really know what to say, she barely knew H.G., but didn’t feel right just continuing on as though they hadn’t nearly run into each other. “Do…do you run here a lot?” God she sounded so awkward.

“Every morning. I’m a little behind schedule this morning though, late night shift at work.”

“That would explain how I’ve never seen you then, because I’m here every morning too, just usually later than this.”

“Apparently we were destined to meet this morning then…though I would have preferred not by near collision.”

“Agreed.”

Helena looked as though she was pondering something, then spoke hesitantly, “Would you, by any chance, feel like continuing on together? I realize we were going in opposite directions, but I had intended on getting to the end of the path and turning back around, so I could just turn around now.”

Myka knew she looked flustered, her runs were usually time to be alone, to think or not to think, to just exist for a little while with nothing but the wind and the music in her ears, but somehow, she couldn’t quite make herself turn down H.G.’s offer, “Sure. I wouldn’t mind the company.”

“Excellent. I shall do my best not to slow you down.”

“You won’t don’t worry. Is it alright if I put my headphones back on though? I kind of can’t run without them.”

“Absolutely alright, I’m quite the same way.”

So with a smile and a nod, they both returned their buds to their ears, Helena yelled above the noise, “Lead the way,” and the first of many, many runs began.

It was that fateful morning which lead to Myka now waiting in front of Helena’s apartment building at nine am, her breath coming out in clouds in the cold air as she stretched seeking to warm up her muscles. Ever since that morning they had met twice a week, every week without fail, and every time Myka couldn’t help but feel a little flutter of butterflies as she waited for Helena to walk out the door, and every time she did Myka’s breath would hitch, because no matter what Helena always looked beautiful, even when she was rushed or had just barely woken up, she was just beautiful. This morning was no different, if anything the cold air that brought a flush into her cheeks immediately, made her even more beautiful than before. She bounded down the stairs to Myka’s side, “Ready to go?”

“Always. You want to try a different route today? I was thinking maybe stay in your part of town, maybe run through the park, there’s a trail that goes around the lake.”

“Sounds perfect, I’ll follow your lead.”

They never talked, the just ran, occasionally sharing a brief glance or a smile, but it never felt awkward. Maybe at first it took some getting used to, particularly for Myka, letting another person into her space, her time, but eventually it just felt normal. They both were willing to adapt their schedules to fit the other. Helena typically ran early, whereas Myka went later in the morning, so on the days when they ran together, they met in the middle, mid-morning, just right for both of them. So they ran, together, comfortably, happily.

“We need to use that path more often, it was beautiful Myka.”

“I know right? I like it in the winter, the lake always looks so nice, frozen over, soon our runs will be accompanied by ice skaters.”

“At nine in the morning?”

“Just you wait. Trust me.”

They were standing in front of Helena’s building, sweaty, out of breath, and per usual unsure how to end up their time together. This was the only part of their mornings that were awkward. There never seemed like a natural way to end it, so it always ended up hesitant and pause-laden.

“So…I guess I’ll see you Saturday.” Helena shifted her weight from foot to foot, barely looking Myka in the eye.

“Yeah, definitely.” Myka never knew what to say in these situations, Helena left her feeling tongue-tied and uncertain, but then she found herself unable to stop the next thought that came to her mind, “Hey, I realized, I never followed through on my offer to take you by my parents’ store. I kind of got lost in the craziness with Liam. Would you still be up for that?”

“Absolutely.” Helena was practically beaming, she didn’t even seem to be trying to hide it, which kind of impressed Myka, who tried to hide almost everything she felt.

“Good. Next week, maybe?”

“Sure. I’ll check my work schedule and we’ll figure something out.”

“Sounds good,” Myka couldn’t help letting her crooked smile steal across her face. “Ok, well, I should get going.”

“Me too, I should get ready for work.”

“Right. Ok. See you Saturday.”

Helena nodded, “Saturday. Good-bye Myka.”

“Bye…” Myka tried desperately not to linger, but she did, waiting like always until Helena was in her building and heading up the stairs. The only part of their morning runs that Helena never realized was the fact that once she disappeared up her stairs, Myka took off at a near sprint, all the way back to the store, willing her feelings to flow out of her, trying to run as fast as she could on the off-chance that she might outrun this tugging she always felt in her heart when she left Helena. Try as she might though, it never, ever worked.

**

The next Tuesday, as a December snow floated down outside, Myka awaited Hugo. She laid a John Lennon album on the player, and let the music wash over her. 3:30 arrived and so did Hugo, “Myka, my dear, how’s life?”

Same old Hugo, “Life’s good, Hugo, really good. How about you?”

“Keepin’ on like always. Ah, be still my heart, Myka Bering, you never forget today do you? Always time to remember Johnny, huh?”

“Always, same day every year, Hugo. Today, just isn’t today, without playing ‘Imagine.’”

“And that is why I love you. A girl who knows her history.”

Myka gave him a small smile, “I try my best.”

They listened through the first few songs in silence, savoring the moment, remembering what had been lost, then finally Hugo broke the silence.

“So, how are your kiddos? How’s the _new_ kiddo?”

“She not exactly new anymore Hugo, it’s been over two months.”

“Eh, two months in a band is still practically new, and you’re avoiding the question. How are they? How is she?”

“They’re really, really good actually. They sound amazing. They’re getting so much better, I can’t even tell you Hugo.”

“And the new girl? Still avoiding that answer dear girl.”

“She’s good. Brilliant actually. She makes them sound….incredible.” Myka knew she sounded breathless, admiring, and she knew Hugo could tell.

He just gave her a sly smile, similar to the ones that Vanessa had been giving her lately, “You used to be so skeptical.”

Myka couldn’t meet his eye, “Well, sometimes people can surprise you.”

“I guess they can. Alright, enough small talk kid, turn it up. I want to bask in the Lennon glow this afternoon.”

“You got it old man.”

**

The band was restless that night. Myka could feel it from the moment all of them entered the store. There was something off, or at least not quite as contented as usual, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Pete couldn’t stop banging idly at his drums, which seemed to be drawing more annoyed looks from Helena than usual, but that, Myka figured was par for the course. Pete could be too much at times, everyone knew that. No, Myka knew they were barreling towards trouble when Steve and Claudia started snipping at each other.

“Jinxsy drop it. I said it’s not ready, will you just let it go?”

“No, I won’t Claud, because I think you’re just avoiding, and I don’t get why all of the sudden.”

“I am not avoiding. Ask H.G., she will tell you. C’mon H.G. back me up here.”

Helena looked up from where she was sitting on the edge of the stage thumbing through their song book, “I’m sorry, back you up on what exactly?”

“Steve keeps pushing that we need to play something new, and I keep telling him that what we’re working on isn’t ready. Tell him it isn’t ready.”

Helena closed the book in her lap delicately, and as she stood up, she shot Myka a look that could only be characterized as the look of one about to walk across eggshells. Myka tried her best to give her a reassuring smile, but even she had to admit, she didn’t envy Helena in this moment.

“I think it could be ready Claudia, I mean it is rather close.”

“See I told you! Avoiding! When are you going to learn you cannot lie to me Claudia?” Steve looked triumphant for all of two seconds, before Helena held up a hand to him, causing him to pause.

“ _However_ , Steve, I will say that if Claudia feels it isn’t ready, I do have to back her on that. What we’ve, _she’s_ , written is immensely personal, and one has to be quite ready to reveal that to other people.”

“Oh c’mon H.G. now you’re just enabling her!”

“Steve!” Claudia looked ready to either punch someone or cry, Myka wasn’t sure which.

“Steve, I can assure you I am not enabling, I am quite serious.”

“It’s not like we would judge either of you for what you wrote. We love you guys, you can show us whatever it is.”

Helena laid a tentative hand on Steve’s arm, “We know that Steve, it just needs a little bit more time.”

Steve threw up his hands in exasperation, pulling away from Helena’s touch, “You two are impossible! If we don’t try anything new we’re never going to get anywhere!”

Now Steve was the one who looked like he might cry. At this point, Myka was absolutely certain that there was more going on than any of them were saying, but she didn’t really feel like it was her place to butt in. She ducked her head, and refocused on the accounts, she still had work to do, and maybe they would just forget she was there for the time being. 

“Whoa, whoa Steve-O, it’s ok.” The argument had finally reached a point of pulling Pete from behind his drums. Myka watched him place a hand on Steve’s shoulder, “Deep breaths man.”

“Steve, is there something else going on? You can talk to us you know.” Myka tried to hide the smile on her face, brought about by Helena’s tone, she just sounded so, well Myka had long since stopped trying to put words to how Helena’s voice affected her.

Myka looked up in time to see Steve slump against the wall, and drop his head in his hands, “It’s Liam.”

Immediately, the other three sat down next to him, Claudia not hesitating to wrap her arm around his shoulder, “What happened?”

“We had this stupid fight; I mean stupid, and I said things I really, really shouldn’t have.”

“Like what, c’mon Steve-O, just tell us.”

“Ugh! Maybe possibly, I might have said some kind of snarky things about his meeting at St. Secord’s next week, and then he got really pissed, and said it was just because I was jealous, and then it just all kind of spiraled from there.”

Claudia let out a low whistle, “Yikes. Dude, totally justified frustration with the rest of us then. When did it happen?”

“Last night. I don’t even know what’s going on now. I tried calling him, and he won’t pick up. He won’t answer my texts. I’m an idiot.”

“Oh Steven, you are not an idiot. We all say stupid things when we’re upset, I’m sure it will work itself out. You both just need some time.”

“Listen to the voice of H.G. the reasonable, Steve-O, she’s right. Amanda and I have had some knockdown, drag outs before and we’ve gotten through it. It’ll be ok, man.”

“Ugh, now I know I’m depressed because I can’t even come up with a comment about Amanda being a saint for tolerating you…” Steve gave out a wisp of a laugh, which set the other three off laughing, and in that moment Myka could feel the tension seeping away.

“You know what Steve-O, I’m not even going to be offended by that, because I am well aware of my girl’s saint status. Seriously though, give him a few days, you’ll both cool off and it’ll work out.”

“He’s right Jinxsy. It will. I mean I don’t exactly have a ton of experience here, but I know you, and I love you, so I believe you guys will work it out.”

“Thanks Claud. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“Totally a-ok. We’re good.”

“Well, I do believe that all of this calls for us to do something rather fun with our evening.” Myka watched as Helena stood and proceeded to tug Steve up with her, briefly wrapping him in a hug that was deeply reciprocated. 

Claudia quickly bounded up next to them and wrapped her arms around the other two, which only led Pete to join in and shout, “Band hug!!!”

Myka laughed as she watched Helena finally disentangle herself, “If I’d known that was going to happen, I may have reconsidered.”

“Oh H.G. you know you love us!” Pete then proceeded to pull H.G. into a tight one-armed hug, and drop a swift kiss to the top of her head with a loud, “MUAH!”

“Myka, darling, please, please rescue me from this. Aren’t you supposed to be the one who controls this man?”

“Usually I am, but I’m all the way over here, and you just look so, so comfortable.” 

Helena rolled her eyes, “I hate you just a little for that, I hope you know.” 

Myka shot her a quick wink, “Hate away _darling_ , hate away.”

Helena glared, “Insufferable.”

“That’s my Mykes for ya. She won’t deprive me of my fun, will ya Mykes?”

“Only on rare occasions, Pete. Usually, when I’m the one in Helena’s position.”

“Hey you love your Pete hugs, just admit it.”

“Never,” Myka gave him a soft smile, which he responded to by sticking his tongue out at her.

“So mature, Lattimer”

“Peter, if you are going to do that, please for the love of God, unhand me. Hugs I will tolerate, your tongue that close to my face, just no.”

“Oh, Helena, you have just totally screwed yourself. You realize that’s all he’s going to do around you now right?” Myka grimaced at her.

“Remind me why I joined this band in the first place, Myka?”

“No idea…”

“Because we’re awesome, H.G., and you know it.” Claudia proceeded to tug Helena free of Pete’s grasp and push her towards her mic stand. “Now are we actually going to play tonight, or are we going to spend the rest of the night talking about Pete’s tongue.”

“Oh God, please no.” Steve’s voice had returned to a certain level of normal, which all of them seemed to notice.

Helena straightened her clothes, disarrayed by Pete’s exuberance, “I agree with Steven. Shall we?”

Pete gave H.G. a mock bow while doing a hideous impression of her accent, “We shall dahling.”

“Oh my God, please someone pick something to play, or I may murder this man.”

Claudia pushed Pete towards his drums, “I got your back H.G. How about we do what we were experimenting with yesterday?”

Myka watched as Helena’s eyes lit up, “The Pat Benatar?”

“Yes! I believe that qualifies as fun. You guys up for a little Patty B?” Claudia slung her guitar around her shoulders and let off a quick run of chords, ready to start.

Steve smiled, “Sounds good to me. Pete?”

“I’m good Steve-O. So what song shall it be ladies?”

“H.G. was doing this _killer_ version of ‘Shadows of the Night’ yesterday. Let’s do that.”

Immediately, the tension that had drifted out of the room returned full force. Pete’s face twisted into a combination of pain, concern, and panic. “Really Claud? Why don’t we do, _something else_. I’m not really feelin’ it.” Pete was anything but subtle as his eyes kept darting over to where Myka stood frozen behind the counter, looking for all intents and purposes like a deer caught in headlights. Pete’s lack of subtlety went completely unnoticed however, as the other three were too busy trying to convince him to play what they wanted to pay attention to where Pete was looking. Only Pete saw how pale Myka had turned, the way her hands shook slightly as she slammed her laptop shut, the way she looked like she was seconds away from passing out.

“Oh come on Pete, don’t be a party pooper.”

“I’m not Claud, I just think maybe something else.”

“Ignore him. H.G., just start singing, he’ll play if we all start. I’ll even kick you off.” Claudia let loose with a guitar lick that normally would have left Myka impressed, but her ears were ringing so loudly she didn’t notice.

Before Myka knew what was happening, Helena’s voice, Helena’s voice that was too much of everything all at once, Helena’s voice that was too much everything Myka wanted to hear and too much everything she never wanted to hear again, was tearing through the store.

“We’re running with the shadows of the night…”

Only to be joined by Claudia’s too high, too young, too raw voice all at once.

“So baby take my hand it’ll be alright.”

Claudia’s voice was quick to disappear too soon, and leave Helena’s voice, alone again, ringing out and sinking into Myka’s chest like daggers, bringing with it a cacophony of images into Myka’s head, images that she couldn’t fight, didn’t want to fight, couldn’t escape from even if she tried.

“Surrender all your dreams to me tonight, they’ll come true in the end.”

Myka never heard if Pete joined in like they all swore he would, if he hit his beat where he was supposed to, right when Helena’s voice dropped off. No, Myka didn’t hear anything after Helena’s voice echoed the last word of the first line, because in that moment Myka was abandoning her laptop on the counter, grabbing her keys, and sprinting out the door, throwing herself into the cold, Colorado Springs air, slamming the door behind her, and running as fast as she could down the block, tears streaming down her cheeks. She only stopped when she knew she was far enough away from the store to not be able to hear even a trace of that voice, that song, those words, those memories. She only stopped when she was far enough away from anyone else in the world that no one could see her when she collapsed against the side of a building, head in her hands. She only stopped when she was far enough away from everything that mattered so that no one, nothing could hear her sobs.

**

Pete didn’t come in. Claudia did. Steve did. H.G. was ready for her next line, but Pete’s drums were silent. It took a second for the three of them to realize that Pete wasn’t with them, let alone the fact that he had zero intention of being with them. Finally, the look on Pete’s face caused Steve’s fingers to stop, Claudia’s followed quickly behind. H.G. stood, hands still poised on her mic, with a look of utter confusion, and not a little bit of anguish on her face. Something had upset Myka, and whatever that was, it had upset Pete too, that much was clear. If they couldn’t tell by his face, there was no mistaking his anger when he began talking through gritted teeth.

“Claud! I told you no. I told you something else! What the hell were you thinking?”

“Dude, Pete, chill, what’s the big…” Claudia’s voice died in her throat at the exact same time as realization dawned in her eyes, “Oh my God, oh my God, fuck Pete, I’m sorry.”

Pete rose from behind his drums, letting his sticks clatter to his feet, “Just forget it. Dammit, I have to go find her. Shit.”

Claudia moved like she was going to follow, but Pete cut her steps short, “Claud, I know you want to fix this, but…but just don’t. Let me handle this ok?”

H.G.’s heart tugged for the girl, she looked like she was ready to burst into tears at any moment, but she fought them off, clearing her throat, trying to stand straighter, trying to look like she wasn’t really bothered, “Right, yeah, totally. You go, someone has to lock up this place right?”

Pete threw his coat over his shoulders, “Right. Ok, I’ll…I’ll see you guys Saturday morning. I’m not playing anymore tonight, once I find her, well…I just don’t see rehearsal happening.” Pete shook his head and walked out the door. They watched as he looked in the direction Myka had took off in, and then he was gone, running almost as fast as Myka had when she had disappeared.

Silence settled over them once Pete left. Claudia slumped down onto the stage, legs curled under her, her head dropped in her hands, as she finally let the tears she had been trying to fend off flow out of her. Steve was by her side immediately, whispering words of encouragement and comfort that Helena barely registered.

She hadn’t moved at all since the door had slammed behind Myka. She realized suddenly that she could probably remove her grip on her mic, but once she did, she didn’t know what to do with herself. There were too many questions circling her mind, too many things causing confusion and worry to churn through her body to allow her to make any kind of decision about what she should do. It wasn’t until she heard Claudia give a particularly loud, stuttering gasp, that she was able to pay attention to anything going on around her.

“I…I should have remembered, Steve.”

“Claud, it was a mistake.” He rubbed gentle circles against Claudia’s heaving back, trying desperately to calm her.

“I should have remembered the second Pete tried to put a stop to it. God, Steve, Myka is going to be…”

“She’s going to be fine. Pete will find her. She’ll be fine. She probably just needed some fresh air.”

“Aren’t you usually the one to point out when I’m lying? Because **that** that was a total lie.” A small laugh left Claudia’s lips, and she finally sat up, wiping quickly at her cheeks, taking in a deep breath.

“I’m not lying Claudia, she’ll be fine…eventually.”

Helena couldn’t hold it in any longer, her voice coming out far more strained and exasperated than she intended, “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Steve turned towards her, giving her a slight look of sympathy, but it was Claudia who spoke, “You’re going to hate me for saying this, but this is one of those situations where it is so not our place to answer that question, H.G.”

Helena ran a hand through her hair furiously, “You have got to be kidding me right? Myka just runs out of here looking like she might pass out, Pete loses it on you, you’ve been sitting here crying—which I’ve never seen you do, and you’re seriously not going to tell me anything?”

“She’s right, H.G. It’s not our place, and once you know what’s happening, you will understand.” Steve’s sympathetic look had devolved into a grimace.

“I’m sorry H.G., but you…you should talk to Pete. He might be able to explain. He could certainly give you better answers than we could.” Claudia at least had the grace to look slightly guilty at her reticence.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!”

She was met with silence. “Fine, then I suppose I shall just follow Myka and Pete’s example then. I’ll see you both Saturday,” and with that she grabbed her bag, and left. 

Steve stood and started to put his bass away, “You could have given her something, Claud…”

“Are you serious? You just backed me up, and now you’re telling me we should have said something?”

“No, I mean, yes. Ugh, I don’t know. I just…imagine what she’s thinking right now, Claud?”

“If I were her, I wouldn’t know what the hell to think, other than maybe we’re all nuts.”

“Well, she’d be right on that count. Seriously though, I guess, I kind of figured maybe Myka had told her by now, I mean they hang out enough.”

“Oh believe me, I know. I mean, I thought they were, I don’t know…”

Steve shook his head, “I know, but if Myka hasn’t told her anything, then there’s no way that’s happening.”

“Well then Myka is doubly crazy, because damn, H.G. is fine, and H.G. is just as crazy as the rest of us, if she isn’t trying to make that happen.”

“Who says she isn’t? C’mon Claud, do you really think it would be that easy to get Myka to open up, let alone…”

Claudia scoffed, “Date? No, you’re right. You’re totally right. Oh man, poor H.G. Myka has to see the total smittenness right?”

“I don’t know, Claud. I mean, Myka doesn’t really see that stuff that much anymore.”

“Well, then she needs to look in the mirror a little bit, because she is just as guilty of the looks. I mean, Jesus, I’m surprised that we don’t need the air conditioning on in here with those two.”

Steve let out a gust of laughter, “Ok you’re definitely feeling better.” Steve glanced around the empty store, and walked over to where Pete’s sticks were still lying where he had let them fall to the floor. He picked them up, gave them a good twirl, then set them along Pete’s snare, where he always kept them. “Looks like our night is kind of shot, huh?”

“I think so Jinksy.”

“Dinner?”

“Yes! Pizza?”

“Definitely. You call Louie’s and lock up, I’ll go get my car, seeing as H.G. totally left you in the cold on that front, didn’t you guys come together?”

Claudia’s jaw dropped open, “She totally bailed on me. Ok, now I’m definitely ordering the pizza and we’re getting out of here.”

Steve grabbed his keys and slung his bass over his shoulder, “Meet you out front.”

Claudia loaded up her gear, flicked off the lights in Myka’s office, but before she could bring herself to leave, she grabbed a piece of paper from next to the register, and scribbled out a quick note.

_“Myka—I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I was an idiot, a complete idiot, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope you’re ok. You know we’re here, always. Love you M. ~Claud.”_  
Tape firmly in place on the note, Claudia took the stairs up to Myka’s apartment two at a time, and left it there, attached to the door, where she was sure Myka wouldn’t miss it. The question was though would she read it, or would she even care?

**

“Myka!” Pete knew he looked like a crazy person, probably sounded like one too, but he was past the point of caring. He had been running around town, checking all the places he could think that Myka would run to, but coming up completely empty. At this point, he figured shouting her name might be his best bet. “Myka!” He finally stopped running, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. He had no idea where she was, and that was starting to make him antsy. He usually just knew where Myka would be, he called it a vibe, she just said it was a sign they had clearly known each other way too long, but tonight, he had absolutely nothing. He looked around at the empty streets, hopelessness settling between his shoulder blades. Finally, he felt a twinge in his stomach; there was one place he hadn’t looked. The truth was he hadn’t even thought about it because Myka never went there anymore, hadn’t ever since she moved back to town, but maybe, considering what had happened…maybe it had pushed her over the edge. 

It had only taken him a few minutes to get there, but once he did, he couldn’t bring himself to go in. He just stood there, staring through the windows, where he could just barely see the back of Myka’s head, tucked into a tiny table in the corner, just like she, like they, used to in college. Pete took a deep breath. Images of a guitar and Myka laughing and he and Amanda smiling up at a stage, swarmed through his brain. “Shit…”  
And with that Pete ducked into Pike’s Peak coffee for the first time in years. 

He had hoped to sneak in, to not make a fuss, to maybe just slide in next to Myka, and let all of this fade away. All hopes of that were lost, when he realized that the owner, William Wolcott, was behind the counter, and once he saw Pete his eyes lit up and Pete’s cover was totally blown.

“Lattimer! I haven’t seen you in ages! How the hell are ya, man?” Wolly’s British accent still rang through his words slightly, making his American slang come out in a way that made you feel disjointed. He came out from behind the counter, and pulled Pete into a one-armed hug. 

“Hey Wolly.” Pete tried to smile and reciprocate Wolly’s exuberance, but his eyes were caught on Myka who had turned around immediately upon Wolly descending upon him. She was half-smiling, half-crying, and Pete just wanted to extricate himself from all of this and get to her, but Wolly was making that difficult.

“Don’t ‘hey Wolly’ me! I haven’t seen you, either of you,” he gave a pointed look to Myka who immediately turned back around in her seat, “in years, and suddenly you both wander into my shop on the same night.”

“I’m sorry man. It’s been tough, Mykes, she…”

“Hey..I know. I’m just givin’ ya a hard time. We miss having you guys around here. How’s Amanda? What’s she up to?”

“She’s good. She runs the kitchen over at the Blue Star now.”

“That place on South Tejon, that went into the old warehouse?”

“That’s the one.”

“Damn. That place is nice. Good for her. What about you? Still at the school?”

“Yup.”

“Fantastic. How’s the band? You still banging away at those drums?”

Pete gave a half-hearted laugh, “Always. Wolly, man, look it’s great to see you, but I really…I really need to get to Myka.”

Wolly shook his head, like he was coming out of a stupor, “Oh, totally, of course. Sorry, I’m just so surprised to see you guys. Go, go. What can I get you? Still the usual?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I’m amazed you still remember. Thanks Wolly.”

“Hey, I never forget a customer. I’ll bring it right over.”

Pete finally made his way over to where Myka was sitting in apparent deep contemplation of her mug filled with what looked like hot chocolate.

“Mykes?”

Her eyes when she looked up at him were far too bright to put him at ease, there were still tears rimming their edges, and when she spoke her voice was about two octaves too high, “Do you remember when we used to come here all the time?”

Pete’s eyebrows went up as he took his seat, he wasn’t exactly expecting an evening of reminiscing, but whatever Myka needed, he’d do it, “Yeah I do. You got my ass back into gear junior year in this coffee shop.”

“I think AA had a lot to do with that…”

“And you keeping tabs on my homework.”

She offered a slight smile, “Ok, maybe that helped a little.”

“I remember you would drag me here, and plop me down with all my books in that corner, while you and Sam would come over here and write until I was finished.”

“Someone had to keep an eye on you.”

“Gotta keep you on your toes Mykes.”

Myka’s eyes glazed over, and she looked like she wasn’t even seeing anything around her, “We wrote some of our best stuff here. Sam always said Wolly made the best chai tea, he said he couldn’t write without it.”

“I remember…” Pete reached over to take Myka’s hand, and then she burst into tears.  
“Oh, Mykes, come here,” Pete shifted from his seat across the table to the one right next to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her into him. He ran one hand down the back of her head, speaking into her tangle of curls, “I am so sorry that happened Mykes. I tried to get them to stop. I…I, God I’m just so sorry.”

“I feel so foolish.” Her words were muffled into Pete’s coat, but he had long since learned to translate teary Myka.

“Hey, there is nothing to feel foolish about, nothing at all, don’t even think that for a second.”

“It’s been three years Pete, this shouldn’t bother me anymore.” She pulled out of his embrace, wiping furiously at her tears.

“Mykes, shit like this…it takes time. I, of all people, know that.”

“I know it’s just, it’s not even like we were…”

“That doesn’t matter Myka. You know that doesn’t matter. What happened…no one should have to go through that Mykes, and you have been so strong. You’re allowed to lose it every now and then.”

Myka’s breath came into her lungs in short, stuttering gasps, “I just don’t want to _feel_ like this anymore.”

Pete shook his head, at a total loss, “I know.”

“Jesus, I don’t even know why it hit me like that. It’s not like I haven’t heard it a thousand times since then, it’s just, I don’t know, the thought of hearing Helena sing it, I don’t know, I just couldn’t handle it.”

“I tried to stop them Mykes, I really did.”

“I know you did. I heard you, but trust me, I know how hard it is to get Claudia to listen when she has an idea in her head.”

Pete laughed, “That girl…” he let his words drift off, and let the silence linger before asking the thing that really needed to be asked. “Mykes,” his eyes drifted to his own coffee cup, which Wolly had silently dropped off for him, “I gotta ask, and you don’t have to say anything, but you kinda brought it up anyway so…”

“Pete just spit it out.” Her voice wasn’t as hard as he had expected, almost like she knew what was coming.

“You said you couldn’t handle hearing H.G. sing it. What’s going on there Mykes?”

A desperate sigh puffed through Myka’s lips, and she pushed her curls back behind her ears, “I don’t even know, Pete. Something? Nothing? I have no idea.”

“Do you like her?”

The look Myka gave him said more than he anticipated, but she remained completely silent.

“Have you told her about Sam?”

Myka’s lips drew tight and tears began to slip down her cheeks again, she looked away from him and just shook her head.

“Why not?”

She never meet his eye, but spoke to the window, like if she said them to the night sky, they might not really be heard, “Because I just wish there could be one person in my life who didn’t _know_ , and I don’t know Pete, the way that Helena looks at me, without any of the pity, without any of the lingering questions, it’s just so refreshing. She makes me feel like I could have a clean start. She’s the one person who doesn’t look at me and see someone who’s broken, she just sees me.”

“I get that, trust me. I mean you don’t think I wish a few less people looked at me and saw Pete Lattimer, recovering alcoholic? But Mykes…and don’t hate me for saying this, but if you really want to be with her, you have to tell her, she deserves to know Myka. I mean, I get that you don’t want it to define you, but it’s still a part of who you are, and you can’t expect to have any kind of real relationship with anyone, let alone H.G. who is way too smart to play the ignorant chick, if you keep that kind of secret locked up. If you didn’t tell her, then something happened with you guys, and somehow she found out? You’d lose her Mykes.”

“I know. I just…it’s been so nice having someone around who doesn’t know I have all this baggage.”

“Myka, listen, the day that I told Amanda I was an alcoholic was one of the hardest days of my life. Looking at this woman, who seemed to like me, maybe even love me, and tell her all this horrible stuff that I’d done, all the horrible things I almost did, it was awful..”

Myka turned her gaze back towards him, “Not exactly a ringing endorsement here, Lattimer.”

Pete gave a playful slap to her hand, “Will you just let me finish?”

“Sorry,” Myka laughed into her mug.

“It was awful, and it was hard, but it was also one of the best days of my life, because when I told her, I felt free. She didn’t run away. She still loved me, and I wasn’t keeping this huge piece of me bottled up inside anymore. You say you like that she sees you as you, but Mykes, once you tell her, then she’ll be able to see _all_ of you, and you have no idea how freeing that will be.”

“What if it freaks her out though? What if it’s all just too much?”

“Then you deal with that, but listen, I’ve watched the way that woman looks at you for the last two and a half months, and I don’t see that happening. I don’t see that happening at all.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Around the same time I met you.”

The laugh that Myka gave was the most she’d sounded like herself all night, “Thanks Pete.”

“Hey give credit where credit is due.”

“I don’t just mean for that…I mean for, well, everything.” Myka reached across and grabbed his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Anytime, Mykes. I got your back, always, you know that.”

“I know.”

Into the silence that followed, Pete’s stomach growled loud enough for practically everyone in the coffee shop to hear, “Ok, clearly, I’m starving,”

“You’re always starving.”

“Hush! I’m starving, so what do you say you let me buy you dinner? Amanda’s out with her sister for the night, since ya know I’m supposed to be at rehearsal and all, but since that isn’t happening, I need food, and so do you.”

“How can I come between you and your food?”

“You can’t! So grab your coat, and let’s get out of here.”

Pete stood and started moving towards the door, but as Myka got up, she grabbed his wrist, and pulled herself up, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, “You’re the best, you know that?”

“You know I do.”

Myka pulled away and punched his shoulder, “Cocky!”

“You said it first!” Pete rubbed his shoulder, “Oh whatever, come on.”

They both waved goodbye to Wolly, who demanded they come back soon, or at least sometime in the next three years. They promised they would, then headed out in search of food for Pete’s eager stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Claudia and Helena are writing at the store is "Hum Hallelujah" by Fall Out Boy. At this point, I'm basically giving people in this story credit for all the songs I love.


	5. Falling Slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Myka and Helena inch ever closer to each other, and to conversations that need to be had, before they can be anything other than what they are at the moment.
> 
> Life in the past gets complicated, busy, and a little messy for Myka & Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some possible triggers here for language and for brief mentions of alcoholism and the consequences of it.

Helena knew what she was doing was drastic, that it screamed of desperation, but after a night of barely sleeping, and an afternoon spent agonizing over what exactly to say to Myka when she saw her that night at work, she no longer cared how desperate or crazy she seemed. She parked her car in a spot near the front of the high school parking lot, looked at the clock, and figured it was now or never. 

There was a basketball game going on in the main gym, so the doors were open, and there were plenty of people around, giving Helena enough anonymity to sneak into the secondary gymnasium where she knew Pete would be wrapping up wrestling practice. She opened the door only to be met with a wall of heat and a smell she hoped she would be able to forget at some point in her lifetime. Pete’s voice rang through the gym, “Come on guys, hustle!” 

Pete had his kids doing laps, something that Helena felt was rather cruel at the end of practice, but she wasn’t here to contemplate Pete’s coaching techniques. Being in this gym was merely a means to an end. She felt extremely awkward standing in the doorway, purse dangling from her hands, unsure what to do, she hadn’t really thought through this plan past getting in the building and finding Pete. Eventually, he noticed her standing there, catching her eye from the other side of the gym, and the look that crossed his face wasn’t one of surprise, but of resignation, like he had been expecting this all along. He gave a short blow of his whistle, “Alright, three more laps guys, then stretch it out, and get out of here. Good work today.”

A chorus of “Thanks coach,” echoed around the large room, and Helena was impressed that most of them sounded genuine. As he made his way towards her, Pete slapped a couple of the guys on their shoulders, and the smiles they gave him told Helena that here in this place, Pete may still be the same old goofball she was becoming used to, but he was also respected, that he was making an impact on the lives of these kids. Something about that made her regret coming, like she was invading into sacred space, but when he approached her, he didn’t seem like he was bothered.

He jogged the last few steps to where she stood, “Hey H.G, what’s up? Don’t tell me you’re here for wrestling lessons.”

She tried to laugh, tried to appear calm, but she was exhausted, confused, filled with too many emotions to put up a front, “I think you know why I’m here Peter.”

His usually shining eyes darkened, and he hung his head, “I do, I had just really, really hoped that maybe, that wasn’t the case.”

“There are few things that could actually impel me to walk into a room filled with twenty sweating teenagers, Pete. So…can we talk?”

Pete shrugged his shoulders and ushered her towards the bleachers, “Yeah…sure.”  
Helena slumped quite ungracefully down onto the bleachers where Pete joined her, elbows on his knees, eyes trained on his kids, less out of a need for supervision and more from a refusal to look her in the eye. She took a deep breath, “Pete, what the hell happened last night?”

He let out a deep sigh, “It’s…complicated, H.G. I’m not even sure I know exactly what happened last night.”

“That’s bullshit Peter and you know it.”

Helena felt him flinch next to her, “Ouch. Ok, you’re right, it was, but I mean it when I say it’s complicated.”

“Of that I have no doubt, but I would really like to no longer feel as though I am the only one in the dark about what is going on half the time.”

“What do you mean half the time?”

Helena rolled her eyes so hard it hurt, “Peter, please do not treat me like I’m some ignorant child, I’m not one of your students. You think I don’t notice the way Myka looks sometimes, when someone says what is seemingly the wrong thing? The way that she blatantly avoids staying downstairs unless she absolutely has to while we’re there? Let alone half the things that I have seen at the café when she’s there. I felt this way somewhat before, but after last night, I’m convinced I am the only person in this town that isn’t in on whatever the hell is going on.”

Pete stole a look at Helena, she looked completely anguished as her hands swept her hair back from her shoulders. He couldn’t imagine what was going through her head, or how much she must be hurting, if she felt the way he thought she did for Myka. “Look, H.G., you’re right, you’re absolutely right, that there are things, a lot of things that you don’t know, and I’ll be the first to admit that you should know them, however, I’m not sure that I’m the one who should be telling them to you.”

Helena shook her head and looked away from him, “You sound exactly like Claudia, and she’s the one who told me to talk to you!”

“I can see where Claud thought I might be your best bet but….” Pete didn’t know how to maneuver this conversation without somehow saying something he shouldn’t and thus hurting Myka in the process. “Can I ask you something?”

Helena looked startled, even more so when she saw the look of determination and sympathy in Pete’s eyes, “I suppose…”

“Do you like Myka?”

“Yes.” Helena was long past the point of sidestepping around any of this. She was long past the point of denying to herself that the way she felt for Myka was merely friendship. She knew she probably should have been a bit more hesitant or at least non-committal about her feelings, but if being honest might get her some answers, honesty was what she would give.

“Ok. Then you need to listen to me when I say this H.G. I love Myka, she’s my best friend and she has saved my ass more times than I can count. That’s partly why I can’t tell you what you want to know, because it’s not my story to tell, it’s Myka’s, and I’m not going to hurt her by spilling all her secrets out, no matter how much I think you need to know them.”

Helena looked genuinely stunned by Pete’s words, he seemed so torn by what was happening, “What’s the other part?”

“The other part is that I’m not an idiot, I knew you liked Myka practically from the second you walked into the store that first night, and, well, here’s where I probably say more than I should…I know Myka, and, let’s just say I don’t think what you’ve got goin’ on is a one-sided thing.”

Helena tried to calm her breathing, will her heart to stop pounding in her ears so she could hear the rest of what Pete was saying, but she was becoming convinced she was fighting a losing battle. If Pete was saying what she thought he was saying, that maybe Myka felt something for her, well that changed everything. She forced her mind back to focusing on Pete.

“…and I think that if what you two have going, or might have going, is going to…keep going, or whatever, then this needs to be a conversation you have with Myka. It won’t do either of you, particularly you H.G., any good if you hear this from anyone but Myka herself. Do you get that?”

Helena sat in silence for far too long, but eventually responded, “I get that…I think.”

“Good.”

They sat for what felt like hours, but was really only a few passing moments, watching Pete’s team stretch out before leaving the gym. Finally Helena broke the silence, “Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“I understand everything you’ve said, I really do, but I also have come to realize that Myka doesn’t share things easily, so is there really nothing, nothing whatsoever you can tell me?”

The sigh Pete gave sounded bone deep, “Mykes got hurt H.G., in about the worst possible way a person can get hurt, and it’s…well it’s left a few scars. That’s about all I can give you, because like I said, it’s her story to tell, not mine.”

Helena nodded her head, that was something, more than she had before, “Thank you Peter.” Without looking at him, she reached over and gave the hand that was resting on his knee a squeeze, one that he readily returned.

“I do what I can.”

Helena glanced at her watch, she had to be at work in fifteen minutes. She stood and started to walk down the bleachers, there was nothing more for her here, at least not at the moment, but Pete’s voice called her back, “H.G.?”

“Yes Peter?” When she looked back it almost looked like Pete’s eyes were shining with unshed tears, but she couldn’t be sure, it might have just been the play of the industrial gymnasium lighting.

“I think…I think you might just be the best thing that could happen to Mykes. Please don’t let this keep you away from her. Fight for her.”

Helena gave him a soft smile, “That is exactly what I intend to do Peter.”

**

Despite being buoyed by her conversation with Pete, Helena still wasn’t sure whether she was anticipating or dreading seeing Myka that night at work. She had meant what she said to Pete, that she had every intention of fighting for Myka, but she also meant what she said about realizing Myka didn’t open up easily. She harbored no delusion that any of this was going to be easy. She and Myka hadn’t even talked about their own feelings for each other, let alone broached the topic of their mutual pasts. Helena was acutely aware of the necessity of both of those conversations, but she also realized that by encouraging Myka to open up, she would have to as well, and that meant, well that meant acknowledging that she was keenly aware of the type of situation Myka was apparently in, having secrets locked up tight in your heart, unwilling to let them out for anyone. She was well aware of the need on her part to fight for Myka, however, what she had spent far too little time contemplating was the fact that she herself might require a little fighting for on Myka’s part. 

When Myka walked in that night Helena wasn’t quite expecting the flood of nerves that coursed through her body, yet from the moment that Myka’s eyes met hers, mere seconds upon her coming through the door, Helena felt anxious. Maybe it was because she wasn’t sure how Myka would be after last night, maybe it was because now that she knew a little of the story she felt guilty, maybe it was because she just wanted to ask Myka if she was ok, but didn’t know how, or maybe, mostly, it was because of what Pete had said about Myka having feelings for her too. Whatever it was, it left her so overwhelmed that when Myka came up and leaned against the bar before heading to her table, Helena really had no idea what to do with herself.

“Hey Helena.” Myka’s smile was far too distracting and, in Helena’s opinion, far too normal looking after what had happened last night.

She sought to busy herself making drinks for her tables. Todd was swamped already so she was pulling double duty waiting on tables and bartending, the distraction of work, allowed her to maintain some semblance of control over her voice, “Hello Myka.”

Myka looked around the bar, “Busy night already huh?”

Helena shot her a quick smile, as she tipped a glass under the Rolling Rock tap, “Indeed. Somehow it seems I am now destined to add bartender to my illustrious resume.”

Myka laughed softly, “A woman of many talents apparently.”

Helena gave her a swift wink, “Can I get you one of these while I’m at it?” 

“Sure. Save you the hassle of having to wait on my table too.”

“You are hardly a hassle, darling.” She slid the newly filled glass towards Myka, “I’ll bring you your water in a bit.”

“Always making sure I’m taken care of. I appreciate it.”

“All in a day’s work.” 

Myka gave her a soft smile and tapped the bar lightly as she turned towards her table, “See you in a bit.”

Helena tried as hard as she could to not watch Myka walk away, but it was a fruitless effort. Myka seemed so normal tonight, almost like yesterday didn’t happen, and Helena was powerless to fight against her good mood. She knew, felt deep down in her gut that she needed to talk to her about all of this, some of this, but worried that when faced with Myka smiling like that, seemingly flirting like that, she was going to be completely incapable of having a conversation that might destroy her mood. She gave her head a quick shake, and returned her focus to prepping her other tables’ drinks. She made a decision right then and there to drown herself in work tonight, to try as best she could to act like Myka was any other customer, to not let herself be distracted by Myka’s seemingly being alright. She would work, she would focus, and then when Myka drove her home, she would try and talk to her. 

The music was fairly uneventful that night. Helena noticed that Myka had barely written any notes down, an indication that all of these hopefuls that had traipsed across the stage tonight, would remain just that, hopefuls. It left the crowd feeling anxious, not quite satisfied, and thus hesitant to file out as quickly as they usually did once the music had concluded. Given the lack of potential in the evening, Myka and Vanessa’s usual recap was quick, and over before half of the café had emptied. Helena felt a sudden pang of worry that Myka may leave without her. Sure, she always joked that Helena was just to assume that she would give her a ride home, but with this many people left to attend to, Helena feared that Myka’s hospitality would be pushed to the limit. She also felt a certain pang of regret that her determination to talk to Myka would be for nothing, and that the car ride she was planning on would never happen, meaning that the conversation would also never happen, because at this point she was sure if she didn’t say something tonight, she might never work up the courage again. She watched as Vanessa and Myka wrapped up their talk at the end of the bar, and then looked around in despair at the fact that she still had three tables who were nowhere near close to leaving. She made her way over to each of them, under the guise of checking on whether they needed anything, but was greeted with smiles and choruses of, “no thanks, just talking a little bit more,” leaving her hopelessly frustrated. This was apparently written all across her face because when she returned to the bar, Myka moved from her spot at the end of the bar, and sunk onto a stool right in front of her, “Hey Grumpy.”

Helena scrunched up her nose, “I am not grumpy.”

“Liar. You might as well be wearing a sign that says ‘please get the hell out of this bar.’”

Helena grimaced, “Is it really that obvious?”

Myka offered her the crooked smile that Helena secretly loved so much, “Just a little bit.”

Helena slumped against the bar, trying to stretch out her shoulders, “People just don’t usually linger like this. Once the music’s over everyone tends to head out, and thus so can I.”

Myka gave her a knowing nod, “They’re restless. There wasn’t much to get people excited tonight.”

“You don’t have to wait for me. I have no idea when they’ll clear out, I don’t want to keep you.”

“That old conversation again, huh? It’s fine, Helena. I’m happy to wait. Remember, it’s Wednesday, which means?” Myka’s eyebrows gave a small wiggle.

Helena sighed, “Which means I must assume that you are driving me home.”

Myka’s hands shot in the air in excitement, “She learns!”

“It’s been known to happen every once in awhile,” Helena tried to keep a straight face, but the look Myka shot her made her dissolve into a fit of laughter, one that Myka was quick to join.

Finally, Myka caught her breath, and placed a hand around Helena’s forearm, “Hey, looks like you are to be rewarded for your learning.” She gave a nod towards Helena’s tables, where two of the three parties were heading out, but Helena barely noticed, her attention too gripped by the heat and pressure coming through her shirt from Myka’s hand. Myka turned back to her smiling, “Only one more left.”

It only took a few more minutes for the last table to clear out, but it was enough time for Helena to get everything around and ready to close up, so that the second the couple left, all she had to do was wipe down their table, put the chairs up, and grab her things. As she swung her coat around her shoulders, Vanessa’s head popped out of her office, “All clear finally, huh?”

Helena sighed, “Finally.”

“Well, go home, get some rest, you earned it after tonight.”

“Thanks Vanessa. I will.”

“Good night gals. Drive safely Myka, it’s starting to snow.”

“I will, don’t worry. Good night Vanessa.”

Vanessa was right, a light snow had started to fall, leaving a thin layer of flakes over everything and giving it an unearthly glow. When they walked out of the café, Myka stopped and with closed eyes tilted her head up into the wind. Helena savored the chance to just stare at her like this, her curls peaking out from underneath the knit cap she had on, a serene smile on her face, hands tucked into her pockets, for all intents and purposes she looked like a woman at peace, not a woman with scars as Pete had put it. 

Before Helena could speak, Myka’s voice broke the silence, though her eyes remained closed, “I love this.”

“Snow?” Helena quirked an unseen eyebrow at her.

Her tone was enough to draw Myka’s attention away from the sky to give her an incredulous look, “Not just snow! Our first snow! It’s usually much earlier than this, but it’s been such a mild winter, I thought it would never get here.”

Myka turned towards Helena and tucked a hand into the crook of her arm, steering her towards the car, but continuing along her snowy vein of conversation, “When I was little, my parents would always bring us outside for the first snow. It didn’t matter if it was three in the morning, they would pull Tracy and I out of bed, bundle us up, and we’d all go outside, and just breath it in. The sentiment kind of stuck with me. You should ask Pete, one time in college, I literally bailed out of class once because it was snowing.” This was the most Helena had ever heard Myka talk about herself, or her past, and she took it as a positive sign for the rest of the evening. She was so busy reveling in Myka’s voice and the feel of her fingers grasped around her arm, that she didn’t notice the sad look Myka was giving her for her silence, “Sorry, I guess that sounds kind of weird.”

Helena could feel Myka’s fingers starting to ease in their grip, but before they could move from her arm entirely, Helena put her hand over them, tucking them back into place, but still leaving her hand over them anyway, “No, not at all darling. I’m sorry, I was just…I was just appreciating the moment. You don’t talk much about yourself, so I was a bit, well, distracted.”

Even with the cold bringing pink into her cheeks, Helena could still detect the blush that crept over Myka’s features. 

Helena continued, “I do understand though. Ok, maybe not the _snow_ aspect of it, but the feeling. My parents were similar in their own way. They would always take Charles and I out of school on the first truly warm day of the year. They would load up the car and we would drive down to the coast, we’d have a picnic, get a good first feel of sand in our toes, even though it was usually still far too cold to truly warrant a trip to the beach, but it was always lovely.”

They had made their way to Myka’s car. Helena climbed in, while Myka retrieved her snow brush from the back seat, making quick work of the layer that covered her windows. When she got back in the car, her hair was coated with a soft sparkle of melting snowflakes, and Helena was certain that she had never seen her look so beautiful. 

A silence settled over them as Myka began to drive towards Helena’s apartment. Helena told herself that Myka was driving slower than usual because of the weather, but in reality the roads were fine, and it seemed like maybe, the weather was simply providing a good excuse to extend the moment. Finally, Helena felt like it was now or never, if she was going to bring yesterday up, now was the time.

She cleared her throat, “Myka, can we talk about what happened yesterday?” She was expecting to see that look overtake Myka’s features, but it never appeared, in fact, Myka smiled.

“I was wondering when that was going to come up.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe it’s not my place, but I was so worried about you, and I…well, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” It wasn’t really what Helena meant to say, she wanted to be more pointed, to indicate that she knew something was going on, and that she wanted answers, but she knew that would only cause Myka to shut down. If she was going to do this, it had to be delicate, and it had to be on Myka’s terms.

“I’m ok. I promise.”

Helena waited for her to continue, but when it became clear she wasn’t going to, she pushed a little further, “You didn’t exactly seem ok, and neither did Claudia after you left actually. I just…I don’t know, I guess I was just hoping you could fill me in a bit on what exactly caused all of that.”

Myka heard Pete’s voice from last night echoing in her mind, “if you really want to be with her, you have to tell her,” and Helena was so clearly giving her the chance to do just that, but the words were dying in Myka’s throat before she even came close to forming them. In her mind she could envision herself telling Helena, but what actually happened was what always happened when people asked her about it, she sidestepped, “Let’s put it this way, I just have some bad memories associated with that song. Usually, I can keep it under control, but I wasn’t really expecting it last night and it threw me. I was stupid to run out like that, it wasn’t really my finest moment.”

Helena could see Myka’s deflection from a mile away. This wasn’t even remotely close to the real story, but it was something, it was more than Helena had gotten from anyone up to this point. In reality, Helena had gotten more about Myka’s life tonight than she had in all the time she had known her, so despite it not really answering any of her questions, she took it as a step in the right direction. “We all do odd things when we’re caught off guard darling, I wouldn’t call that stupid. I am sorry though Myka, that I played any part in causing you distress. If I had known, I wouldn’t have ever…”

“Helena, please, it’s fine. You didn’t know. It is so not your fault. Thank you though, for…for being concerned about me.” 

The smile that Myka gave her was so genuine, Helena didn’t quite know what to say, so she went with the obvious, “You’re quite welcome darling.”

Before she could say anything more on the subject, Myka was turning the conversation to a different topic, “Oh! So, what’s your work schedule this weekend?”

It threw Helena for a second, the quick change, “My work schedule? Umm, this weekend, I only work Friday night, why?”

“Well, I was wondering if I could finally make good on my offer to take you by my parents’ store?”

Helena was absolutely positive that the look in Myka’s eyes was one of unabashed hopefulness, she just hoped the look she gave in return looked the same way, “Right! You had asked me to check my schedule, I’m sorry, yes, I would love that. What did you have in mind?”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, “Well, I was thinking since you have rehearsal Saturday morning, we could maybe head over after you guys are finished up. Claudia has the store the rest of the afternoon, so I’m usually free to do whatever. We could go to the store, then maybe grab a late lunch?” Myka inwardly kicked herself for how nervous she sounded, nervous because she so clearly sounded like she was asking Helena on a date. Then again, maybe she was? She hadn’t quite made up her mind on that front yet. The look on Helena’s face though, the one Myka recognized from that first day in the store, that look of confidence, of swagger, was enough to convince her that she was secretly hoping it was a date, that Helena _felt_ like it was a date.

“That sounds absolutely perfect darling.” Butterflies swirled in Helena’s stomach, did Myka just ask her out? She didn’t have time to clarify, because it was at that precise moment that they pulled up in front of her apartment building. Usually, she would find an excuse to linger, but the snow was starting to fall heavier and she didn’t want Myka out driving any later than necessary. She gathered her things from the back seat, “Thank you for the ride. Are you quite alright to get home in this?”

Myka gave her a playful eye roll, “Helena I’ve been driving in snow my whole life, this is nothing, trust me.”

“Well, I just wouldn’t want you getting hurt all on my account. You should have been home long before now, if you wouldn’t have had to wait for me.”

“I _wanted_ to wait for you. I’m good seriously.”

“Ok, well do not make fun of me, but please at least text me when you get home.”

Warmth spread through Myka’s chest, this woman was too much, “That I can do. The real question though is how do you feel about running in the snow?”

Helena laughed, “I’m up for it if you are.”

“Good. Meet you at 9?”

“I’ll be here. Please, drive safely Myka.”

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

They went through their usual ritual, Myka waiting to drive away until Helena had made it into her building, Helena turning to give her a quick wave, both of them turning away from the other feeling lighter, happier, more peaceful than they did at any other time of the week.

Helena had managed to get into her pajamas and was halfway through making herself a cup of tea, before her phone buzzed with a message from Myka, _“I am home. Safe and sound, as promised.”_

Helena smiled and responded, _“I’m glad to hear it.”_

She set down her phone, returning her attention to her tea, but before she could grab her mug, her phone buzzed again, _“I meant what I said earlier, thank you for being concerned about what happened yesterday, I really do appreciate it.”_

What should she say? The distance of text messaging gave Helena a swift kick towards boldness, _“I was worried about you. I would never want to hurt you Myka, and I hated that I had played any part in what had happened.”_

_“Like I said, totally not your fault.”_

_“Myka…I do hope you know you can talk to me, about anything you might need to.” ___

Helena took a deep breath, she had pushed a toe over the line that had been seemingly drawn in the sand between them, the line that said we will only talk about things up to a certain point, she hoped it wasn’t a mistake. She waited for a response, nails beating a rhythm against her mug, until finally it came. 

_“I do know, and I will. I would be crazy if I didn’t realize that you probably have a lot of questions Helena, it’s just…it’ll take some time. I’m sorry.”_

This was a significant start. For the first time, Myka was acknowledging what Claudia and Pete had alluded to, and for Helena that felt like there may be hope for them. 

_“No need to apologize. I understand, probably more than you can imagine. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”_

_“Good, since at this point, I’m pretty used to having you around. Good night Helena.”_

_“Insufferable! Good night Myka.”_ Helena set her phone back on the counter and picked up her tea, holding it against her chest. She inhaled the floral steam, letting it flood her with warmth. She readied herself for bed, exhausted from work, from anxiety, from Myka; happy to let herself lapse into peaceful unconsciousness for the next eight hours. Little did she know that across town, Myka wasn’t even remotely close to going to bed, but was instead seated at her piano, pencil between her teeth, phone propped up next to a piece of bare sheet music where Helena’s message about her willingness to talk if Myka needed her was open and set to stay open and backlit until Myka decided otherwise. 

** 

Saturday morning’s rehearsal went much smoother than Tuesday night, but that could possibly have been because Helena was barely paying any attention to what was going on. Her mind kept drifting to the afternoon and her plans with Myka. She was simultaneously excited and petrified. It was true they had spent plenty of time together, but never for such a long length of time, at least not alone. Sure, they’d been out, but it was usually as a group, and it was hard to consider any time spent with Pete and Claudia’s madness as quality. She kept worrying that they wouldn’t have anything to talk about, or that they would have too much to talk about and the afternoon would drift to what exactly that meant for them together, and that was a conversation that Helena wasn’t really sure she was ready to have, and one she was certain Myka was nowhere near ready for. As the time ticked by, as she sang song after song, she convinced herself that she just had to go with it, to stop worrying and enjoy the fact that she was going to spend the afternoon with Myka. They finished up their set, and started packing up their things. As if on cue, Myka came down the stairs wrapped in a green sweater that made her eyes shine, and jeans that had no right to be as tight as they were. Helena quickly realized she was staring, and jarred herself out of it, resuming her attention to updating the band’s ever expanding song book. 

Myka came up to the front of the stage, “Well, I must say, from what I could hear upstairs, you guys sounded amazing.” 

Claudia’s face was shining, “Thanks Myka. We were actually just talking about setting up a few gigs around town, we think we’re ready.” 

“I would say that’s accurate. So, Claud you’re all set here?” 

“Everything under control captain. I’ll try not to burn the place down.” 

“I would appreciate that. Helena? Are you ready?” 

Helena could feel her smile straining her muscles, but she didn’t care at all, “Ready darling.” 

Helena hopped down from the stage, grabbed her coat, and they both waved goodbye to the rest of the band. 

Pete called out, “H.G. don’t forget band dinner tomorrow night! Amanda’s volunteered to cook, so it is not to be missed.” 

“I shall be there Peter, fear not.” 

When the two of them exited the store, looks bounced between Claudia, Steve, and Pete in quick succession. It was Steve that put voice to the looks, “Was that what I think it was?” 

If you thought it was a date, Jinxsy I think it might have been. Pete did Myka say anything to you?”

“Nope. Which I think I should be pissed about, but somehow I’m not.” 

“Good for them. Alright guys, I’m off, I have my own lunch date to get to,” Steve’s smile was soft, shy almost. 

“Things better with Liam, Steve-O?” Pete gave him a not so subtle wiggle of his eyebrows. 

“Kind of. We’re getting there I think. At least he’s talking to me again.” 

“That’s progress Jinxsy, now both of you get out of here, I have a store to run!” Claudia shooed Steve and Pete out of the store, flicked over the open sign on the door, slid some Ramones onto the turntable and settled in for the afternoon. 

** 

Myka parked her car in a lot behind the bookstore, but she seemed hesitant to actually get out of the car. Helena took at stab at why that might be, “So will your parents actually be here, or is this kind of like a you and Claudia situation, where she’s taking care of the store while you have the day off? 

Myka gave her a sidelong, nervous glance, “Umm, no they’ll be here, or at least they should be.” 

“Will you hate me if I state the obvious that you seem nervous?” 

A sigh of relief escaped Myka’s lungs, “No, because you’re right, I am.” 

“Ok, again with the obvious questions, but why on earth are you nervous?” 

“I don’t know. I mean I’ve told you a bit about how things are with my parents, we aren’t exactly always on great terms, especially with my refusal to take over the store and everything. So, I’m suddenly realizing that I’m totally bringing you into my own particular brand of crazy. Then there’s the fact that this is basically where I grew up, so you’re also getting a dose of baby, teenage Myka, and well thus the nerves.” 

Helena took a moment to process everything that Myka had just spilled out. Helena should have expected this, because Myka was right, she had told Helena about how her parents had expected her to take over the store, and when she hadn’t, and opened up The Warehouse instead, things had gotten, as Myka had put it when she told her, frosty. “Myka, you don’t have to do this if it makes you this nervous.” 

“No, it’s fine. My parental issues aside, anyone who loves books as much as you do, needs to see this place, because it is amazing, the fact that it comes with a side of my parents is kind of an unfortunate side effect. Come on, let’s just go inside.” 

Helena followed Myka up the side alley and around to the front of the store. Helena noticed that the store had a bell just like The Warehouse, welcoming customers in with a soft, but assertive ringing. Myka hadn’t oversold the store, Helena had to do everything she could to keep her jaw from dropping. There were shelves everywhere, completely loaded down with books from every genre you could imagine, each immaculately preserved, but still begging to be touched, treasured, read over and over. Myka turned and when she saw the look on Helena’s face, she leaned in and said, “See that look right there? Totally worth the nerves.” 

“It’s incredible.” 

“I told you.” Just then a woman with short blonde hair, and glasses not unlike the one’s Helena had seen Myka wear appeared from around a corner. 

“Myka! What a surprise, I didn’t know you were coming in today.” 

The smile that lit up Myka’s face was genuine, causing Helena to remember her mentioning that the issues which existed with her parents were more weighted towards her father, she had always only said good things about her mom. 

“Hey Mom,” Myka stepped forward and wrapped the shorter woman in a hug. “I figured it’d be a surprise. I wanted to bring my friend Helena by, show her around.” 

"Ah you’re Pete’s new lead singer right?” Myka’s mother turned to Helena with curiosity paired with an open smile. 

“I am.” Helena returned the smile, though she was a little surprised that Myka’s mother knew anything about her. 

Myka took care of that unspoken question for her, “Pete’s Mom and my Mom are friends.” 

“Jane says that Pete just goes on and on about all of you when he’s over, and good thing, I can’t get a word out of this one when she’s here for dinner. I swear Jane knows more about her than I do.” The look she shot Myka was a total Mom look, affection mixed with annoyance. 

“Oooooooook, enough about _that_. Introductions! Helena this is my Mom, Jeannie. Mom, this is Helena Wells.” 

Jeannie extended a hand to Helena, “Very nice to meet you, Helena.” 

“Likewise Mrs. Bering.” 

The woman laughed, and it sounded just like Myka, “Oh dear,” she gave Helena’s hand that she was still grasping a light slap, “please call me Jeannie, only Peter calls me Mrs. Bering anymore.” 

“And here I thought I was the only one who called Pete, Peter.” 

“I do it to annoy him,” Jeannie winked. 

Helena returned the wink, “So do I.” 

The women laughed again, and Helena caught Myka out of the corner of her eye, looking kind of shocked, but immensely pleased at how well this was going. Helena could see how badly Myka _wanted_ this to go well, and that realization shot butterflies back into Helena’s stomach. God they needed to talk about this. 

Jeannie released Helena’s hand, and called over her shoulder, “Warren! Myka’s here.” 

Myka’s happiness practically melted off her face to be replaced with something darker, something distinctly unpleasant, something very akin to dread. A man with half moon spectacles and only a smattering of white hair around his head emerged out of a back room. Helena would never have imagined that this man was related to Myka, until she saw his eyes, which were exact replicas of Myka’s, only where Myka’s were soothing, sparkling, his were hard, unflinching. 

Helena watched as Myka shoved her hands into her back pockets and looked towards the door, “Hi Dad.” 

“Ophelia. Did you need something?” 

His words stung Helena, and they weren’t even directed towards her. She looked, stricken, towards Myka, who had barely flinched at the coldness in his voice. “Nope, just wanted to bring a friend by and show her around. Dad, this is Helena. Helena this is my Dad, Warren Bering.” 

Jeannie piped in, “Helena is the new singer in Pete’s band, Warren.” 

He scoffed, and barely shook the hand Helena had extended, “Another musician, just what this town needs.” 

Helena didn’t know what to say, thankfully Myka was willing to step in for her, “Actually, Dad I brought Helena by, because she happens to be a bit of a literature buff, and it just so happens, she is a distant relative of H.G. Wells, I wanted to show her your collection.” 

This comment garnered the only look of interest Helena would see on Warren Bering’s face all afternoon, “Is that right?” 

Helena nodded, “It is. My parents gave me the distinction of naming me after him actually, well at least giving me the proper initials.” 

“Good for them. I appreciate people who take pride in where they came from.” That was accompanied with another glare towards Myka, whose attention became solely focused on the book she had pulled at random from a shelf. Warren turned his attention back to Helena, “Not a bad author to be named after, far ahead of his times he was, brilliant man.” 

“Funny that’s exactly what your daughter said when I told her.” Helena didn’t mean for her words to sound clipped, but she couldn’t help it. Seeing the reality of what Myka had to deal with, well, it bit at Helena’s nerves. 

“Well, no one ever said Ophelia didn’t know her literature. Anyway, have a look around. Nice to meet you.” Without another word to Myka, Warren Bering retreated to the back of the store and didn’t emerge again for the rest of the afternoon. 

Jeannie turned to them, “I’ll just be in the back, have fun looking around girls. Myka don’t sneak out without saying goodbye.” 

“I won’t Mom, I promise.” 

Helena moved to where Myka was standing, and starting perusing a shelf nearby, she gave Myka a quick glance with a raised eyebrow, before returning her eyes to the books in front of her, “Ophelia?” 

Myka grimaced, “Yup. You’re not the only one with the literary name. My Dad wanted Shakespeare referenced, thankfully Mom at least won out on my first name.” 

“That doesn’t seem to phase him though does it?” 

Thankfully Myka laughed, “No, it doesn’t. He’s the only one that calls me that though, except for Pete but only when he is really pissed and wants to get under my skin.” 

“For that, I shall keep calling him Peter then, give him a taste of his own medicine. Though if I may say so, Ophelia is a rather beautiful name.” 

“Thanks, though if I had to choose, not exactly the character I’d want to be named after.” 

“You say that to the woman who is named after H.G. Wells, trust me I understand. At least your parents got the gender correct.” 

Myka tugged on Helena’s sleeve, “Speaking of your namesake, come on.” She led Helena to a back corner of the store. One couldn’t really call it a sci-fi section, Myka’s father didn’t really seem like the man who would harbor such things in his store, but there was an entire bookshelf stocked full of more H.G. Wells editions than Helena had ever seen in one room. 

“Wow.” She knew her jaw was hanging open, but Myka had not undersold her father’s collection, there were editions here that looked pristine, and far older than she had expected. 

“I told you. Dad has a bit of a soft spot when it comes to H.G.” 

“Well, at least I can agree with him on one thing...” Helena wanted to say something more to Myka’s father’s behavior, but wasn’t given the opportunity. 

Suddenly, Myka pulled a thin volume off the shelf, with a look of surprise on her face, “I can’t believe this is still here…” 

Helena peeked over her shoulder, “The Time Machine? Why is that surprising considering where we are darling?” 

Myka shook her head distractedly, “No, it’s this copy. I’m just surprised it’s still here is all. This was my favorite one as a kid. It’s one of the few illustrated copies there are of it, at least that isn’t abridged and designed for kids. I used to come back here and sneak it into a corner and read it over and over.” 

“Apparently, your father and I are not the only ones with soft spots for my namesake.” 

Myka blushed, but whether it was in response to the imagery of her younger self she had just provided, or the _other_ implications of Helena’s statement, Helena couldn’t tell. 

“If it was your favorite, why is it on the shelves for sale then?” 

Myka’s blush was replaced with the look that Helena was coming to associate with anything to do with Myka’s father, “It was part of the collection, meant for customers, not for us. My Dad didn’t know how much I read it.” 

“I see.” Helena didn’t know what else to say. It was true that she didn’t necessarily have a great relationship with her parents, but what Myka had apparently lived with, still lived with it seemed, was unfathomable to her. 

Myka cleared her throat, “Hey, listen, umm, I’m going to go talk to my Mom for a few minutes. Are you good to wander around a bit?” 

"Absolutely. I shall try not to amass too many things to buy.” 

“Good luck with that. Don’t get too lost in here.” Myka gave her a subtle wink and headed back towards the front of the store. 

Though Helena was loath to admit it, Myka was right about her father, he had an eye for literature. She saw things in the store that she had never seen before, let alone even knew existed. It took all of her self-control to not pull everything she wanted off of the shelves, keeping herself limited to only things that she simply could not pass up, a rather quirky, illustrated edition of “War of the Worlds” and a copy of “A Christmas Carol” from the early 1900’s that was remarkable. She could have browsed all day, but eventually figured that it was best to check and see if Myka might possibly be ready to go. The way she figured, she practically lived around the corner, she could come by whenever she wanted to keep looking around. She made her way back up to the front of the store, where Myka was perched on the edge of her mother’s desk, a Twizzler hanging between her teeth, looking at something her mother had pulled up on the computer. Myka must have heard her approach because she turned towards her and smiled, “Hey you. Looks like you were successful.” 

“I would say I was successful in keeping myself under control and not walking out of here with twenty different volumes. Jeannie, your store, it’s incredible, truly.” 

“Thank you Helena, though I must say most of the credit goes to Warren, I simply do the books.” 

“Mom, give yourself a bit more credit than that.” 

Jeannie just gave Myka a pointed look and turned back to the computer screen. Myka reached up and tugged Helena’s books out of her hands, “Let me see what you’ve got here.” She arched an eyebrow at Helena, “Is it considered narcissistic to buy something by someone you share a name with?” 

“If it is, then I am horribly guilty. I’ve never seen this particular copy before though, which is saying something. I must confess, I have a rather large collection of copies of “War of the Worlds,” so to find something new, well it surprised me.” 

“Well, I’m glad you found a few things you liked.” 

Helena tried desperately to ignore the particular tone of voice Myka used to accompany that statement, along with the look she gave her beneath shaded eyelashes, but she could tell she was doing a horrible job when she felt a blush sneak into her cheeks. She sought anything that might distract from the moment that was threatening to descend upon them right in front of Myka’s mother. It was then that she noticed a series of pictures along the wall behind Jeannie’s desk. 

“Myka? Is that you?” Helena pointed towards the pictures, each featuring a girl with Myka’s distinctive curls, who couldn’t have been more than five, sitting behind a piano. 

Jeannie beat Myka to the answer, “That’s our Myka. Isn’t she adorable?” 

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh Jesus, please don’t get her started.” 

Helena smirked, “Are you referring to your mother starting on your adorableness, or me expressing my opinion of your baby pictures?” 

“I think both, actually.” 

Helena stepped closer to examine the pictures. Little Myka was all smiles, green eyes shining with apparent glee at her place behind the piano. “I didn’t realize you played Myka.” 

Jeannie’s eyes widened with shock, “You didn’t?! Myka was,” but Helena never got to hear what Myka was, because Myka cut her mother off quicker than Helena quite knew how to process. 

“I used to. It was a long time ago.” If Myka thought that Helena missed the pleading look that she shot at her mother, she was sorely mistaken. Helena wanted to ask more, but the look on Myka’s face was enough to dissuade her, and add it to her long list of items about Myka that she knew absolutely nothing about, and possibly never would. 

“So, Helena, can we get you all checked out there?” Jeannie’s smile looked slightly strained, like she was trying too hard to change the subject without being obvious about it. 

Helena was sure that her face mirrored that look, “Sure.” 

Myka didn’t follow them, but stayed behind at her mother’s desk for a few moments longer, staring at the pictures of her younger self. Helena suddenly felt like being here in this place, so entrenched in the midst of Myka’s life, was an intrusion of some sort. Myka was so guarded about everything, Helena felt out of place, worried that she had witnessed things this afternoon that she was never meant to see. Then again, wasn’t it Myka who had wanted to bring her here? Maybe Myka _wanted_ her to see this part of her life. 

Jeannie checked Helena out, then came back around the counter, and did something Helena was not expecting whatsoever, she enveloped her into a hug. It took her a second to fully reciprocate, then it was quickly over, but not before Jeannie gave her a small squeeze and whispered, “It was so very nice to meet you Helena.” 

“You too Jeannie. Thank you.” 

Helena stepped back and gave Myka a moment with her mother. Their hug seemed to linger, and Helena could tell Jeannie was whispering something to Myka, but she couldn’t hear a word of it. When Myka pulled back from her mom she dropped a quick kiss to her cheek, “Love you Mom.” 

Jeannie placed a palm against Myka’s cheek, “I love you too, my Myka.” 

Yet again, Helena was filled with a sense that she was intruding on something she wasn’t supposed to be seeing, while simultaneously feeling as though this was precisely something she was _meant_ to see. 

Myka turned back towards Helena, her eyes a little too bright, “Ready for lunch?” 

Helena gave her a shy smile, “Sure.” 

They both gave Jeannie another wave and headed towards the door. When Myka’s hand was on the doorknob Jeannie called out quickly, “Myka, dinner tomorrow…” 

Helena heard Myka’s sigh, “I know Mom, I’ll be here." 

Myka was quiet as they headed back towards her car, but she stopped just short of turning into the alley, “You feel up for a walk?” 

Helena gave her a puzzled look, “Umm..sure?” 

Myka nodded and shoved her hands into her pockets, head bowed slightly. When she spoke her voice was quiet, “Have you been over to Café 225 yet?” 

Helena mirrored Myka’s movements, hands nestled into her pockets, only slightly glancing over at Myka, “No, but Leena was telling me about it the other day. She mentioned they have a few open mic nights too, right?” 

“Yeah, they do. Not quite as big as the Regent’s, but then again few things are. Anyway, it’s nice, the food’s good, and it’s kind of nearby, I thought it might be a good place for lunch.” 

“Sounds perfect.” 

They continued to walk in silence, Myka was practically exuding her distraction, and finally Helena couldn’t take it anymore. She stopped walking and put a hand on Myka’s arm, “Myka…” Myka stopped but wouldn’t quite look in Helena’s eyes, “Would you please tell me what is bothering you.” 

Helena had lost track of just how many times she had heard Myka sigh that afternoon, but she heaved another, and began to talk, “I’m sorry, Helena. It’s nothing…” 

“Clearly not.” 

Myka starting walking, giving Helena a slanting look, “You’re quite good at that you know?” 

“At what?” 

“Calling me on my deflections. It’s kind of annoying, but also kind of nice, actually.” Myka gave Helena a crooked smile. “You’re right, it’s not nothing, but it’s definitely nothing with you, and I just feel bad that my crap is affecting our afternoon.” 

“Maybe if you actually talked to me about it, it might not.” 

“It’s just these stupid dinners with my parents. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but she’s so insistent about these things. Every Sunday night, without fail, I have to be there, and I know my mom’s heart is in the right place, but it really just ends up giving my father a really great excuse to get in an hour’s worth of comments about my job, my life choices, whatever is pissing him off that day, and I just don’t understand why she insists on continuing, or why I continue going.” 

“What exactly is your father’s issue with the music thing? Does he not realize where he lives?” 

“I think he’s in denial about that actually. All of this kind of grew up around them, and he hates it. He thinks it’s made all the kids stupid, that it’s made them stop appreciating the things he thinks they should appreciate. You can imagine he wasn’t exactly pleased when his daughter chose to throw in her lot with them and abandon the family plan.” 

“I’m sorry if this question is totally inappropriate and not my place, but why exactly did all of that have to fall on you? Don’t you have a sister?” 

Myka’s laugh was short, harsh, “Yeah, I do, but…God there is really no way to say any of this without sounding like some petulant child, so I apologize in advance. Tracy has always just been given a few more allowances than me. She was the typical girl ya know? Cheerleader, prom queen, popular, always had something to do on a Friday night…and then there was, well, me. My parents just assumed that since I was a little bit more focused on school, that I was kind of quiet, ok, let’s just say it, the polar opposite of Tracy, that I would just automatically fit into this life plan that they had come up with. They didn’t want to burden Tracy with any of that, couldn’t let it get in the way of her finding a man to marry so she could settle down to give them tons of grandchildren.” 

Helena wasn’t sure she had ever heard Myka sound so bitter, but also so open. If she was being honest, it was kind of refreshing. “Well, if I may say so, that is unbelievably ridiculous. No child should be put under that much pressure, you should be free to be who you want to be, figure out your own life.” 

“And that’s what I did, and so here we are. My mom made her peace with it a long time ago, and it hasn’t been an issue since. My dad, however, has never forgiven me for opening up The Warehouse, rather than just going to work for them, and I’m not sure he ever will.” 

“Then that is his loss, Myka. If he can’t see what you’ve built for yourself, if he can’t be proud of the amazing thing you’re doing, that’s his own damn fault.” 

Myka gave her an inscrutable look, “Don’t hate me for saying this, but you sound just like Pete.” 

They had reached the café, and Myka held open the door for Helena to go in. Helena gave her a spectacular roll of the eyes as she walked past and said, “Please don’t ever say that again.” 

Myka just laughed and gave a distracted rub to the back of her neck. 

Helena was starting to get used to the riot of attention that Myka received whenever she walked into anywhere remotely popular in town, and this afternoon was no different. By the time they had walked to the counter and ordered their food, Myka had been greeted by no less than ten different people. Myka seemed to take it all in stride, offering each a greeting and a warm smile, some she hugged, others she just kind of nodded to, but none were ignored. They finally made their way to a table, tucked into a corner, far removed from the closest occupied table, and Helena just couldn’t resist the temptation to ask, seeing as how Myka seemed more inclined to talk this afternoon. 

“Can I just state for probably the hundredth time since I met you that you seem to have quite a reputation in town.” 

Myka chuckled, “I wouldn’t call it a reputation really, but between my parents’ store and The Warehouse, plus the time I spend at the Regents I guess most people have run into me once or twice. Plus, I mean I grew up here, this is home, so…” 

“I really feel like I should be calling you out once again for your self-referenced deflection, but I’m willing to let this one slide I think.” Helena took a sip of her tea and slid Myka a sidelong glance, when Myka returned her gaze with a smile, she knew Myka had sensed she was teasing her. 

When their food arrived, Myka sat up a little straighter, looking like she had finally decided on something, “So, we’ve spent way too much of this afternoon talking about me, and that’s just unacceptable.” 

Helena lifted an eyebrow at her, “Which means?” 

“Which means, I feel like we’ve spent all this time together, and yet I hardly know anything about you. That ends now.” 

“You realize that I could very well say the exact same thing to you?” 

“Maybe before this afternoon you could, but in the last few hours you have met my parents, heard me bitch about said parents, and seen baby pictures of me, therefore, I believe I am deserving of a little quid pro quo here.” 

“Quid pro quo?” 

Myka took a bite of her sandwich and nodded. 

Helena sensed an opportunity, if she was willing to share something with Myka, it might lead her a bit closer to getting the answers she was really seeking from Myka. “Alright, I suppose that is only fair. However, like you, I am not exactly an open book, so to begin with, I’ll give you three questions, whatever you would like.” 

Myka’s bottom lip curled under teeth in a crooked smile, “You’re kind of cruel, you know that?” 

“Is that meant to be your first question, because I would say it’s kind of a wasted one.” 

Myka’s eyes widened, “No, no, it’s not. Ok, three questions.” She lapsed into a momentary silence, allowing Helena time to eat a bit of her salad. “Ok, first one, though I’m not quite sure how I don’t know the answer to this yet. Why did you move to the States?” 

Helena wasn’t exactly expecting Myka to hold back with her questions, but she hardly was planning on her jumping to the most complicated question of all, though she realized she probably _should_ have been expecting it. She borrowed a trick from Myka’s book and deflected slightly, “You could say that I needed a change in my life. I felt like I didn’t really have much left for me in London after a time, and decided that the only way to move on, was to truly move, so two years ago I packed up my things and came to the States.” 

Myka’s eyes widened in surprise, “ _Two_ years ago? Where were you before you moved here?” 

“New York actually. I bounced around a few groups there, but nothing ever quite felt right. It was too busy, too hectic, too cutthroat, so I opted to go somewhere a little bit more relaxed, somewhere that I could pursue music, but also have a life, that brought me here.” Helena added almost in a whisper, “That’s two darling, make the last one count." 

Myka’s jaw dropped, “Oh come on! You’re going to hold the follow-up question to a, may I point out semi-deflected answer, against me?” 

Helena’s only response was a smirk, and another bite of her lunch. 

Myka huffed in exasperation, “Ok, fine. Evil woman. I really want to ask you why you needed a change from London, but since you’ve allowed me to keep my secrets, I suppose I should allow you the same consideration, though I really don’t want to, because I’d be crazy to not realize there’s a story in there.” 

Helena’s stomach gave an unpleasant twist. Myka was treading on ground she refused to let anyone come into. She said a silent word of thanks that Myka seemed disinclined to push, at least for the moment. She just hoped that her face was portraying a sense of calm, though the rest of her body felt rigid, hot, anxious. 

“Ok, I think I’ve got it. When did you decide you wanted to be a singer?” 

Helena’s smile brightened, this was a question she could handle, “College. I was initially pursuing engineering at Oxford, and while I quite enjoyed it, the idea of inventing things, of bringing something new to the world, it never fully satisfied me. I had sung in various choruses throughout my younger years, but college was the first time that I actually sang in a band, and well, it hooked me. I was pretty much lost from that point on. Music seemed to provide me the same feeling that engineering did, the inventing, the creation of something beautiful, while also filling in the hole that was left vacant. I don’t know, music sort of seeped into my soul, and has rather refused to let go since.” 

Myka gave her a wistful smile, “I get that. I totally get that. There’s just something about it right? The ability to take these intangible emotions or experiences and turn them into something beautiful, to provide an outlet for something that is just begging to get out.” 

“Indeed. I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that in a world where so many things are jumbled and messy, music somehow is the one thing that can bring strangers, adversaries, lovers, together by speaking to a common experience.” 

Myka nodded, serene smile on her face, “Music is the great equalizer.” 

Helena beamed at her, “Exactly.” 

Myka’s tone turned reflective, “That’s why I opened the store ya know? To provide a place where anyone and everyone could come and find some sort of common ground, to provide a place where they could just come and exist, be accepted even, to just be somewhere where people could let the music speak for them.” 

“I dare say you’ve accomplished that Myka. I’ve seen the people that come through the store, the way you treat them, the way they seem to relax the second they step through the door. You’ve provided them with a sanctuary of a sorts. I must confess, that’s how I feel when I’m there.” 

“I’m glad. I just…I know how music has changed my life, the differences it’s made; I wanted to be a part of something that did the same thing for people.” 

Helena debated her next words carefully, but ultimately just decided to throw caution to the wind and let them out, “If that’s the case, truly, then why don’t you play the piano anymore?” 

The affect was almost instantaneous, there was that look Helena had been hoping to see less and less on Myka’s face, dark, hidden, lost. At first Helena didn’t expect her to say anything, but eventually she spoke up, quiet, hesitant, “It’s complicated. It’s not that I don’t, I do, sometimes, occasionally, but things change. For a long time, playing was what I loved to do more than anything, but then, well then it wasn’t. Eventually, it just turned into another thing that reminded me of things I wanted to forget.” 

Helena’s heart throbbed in her chest as she looked at this beautiful woman sitting across from her who suddenly looked so broken. It was the first time that she saw Myka the way Pete had described, as a woman with scars that cut her deep, “Do you miss it?” 

“Sometimes, and that’s when I will play, but other times, I don’t, at all. It was a part of a different time in my life…I’m a different person now.” 

“That is something that I can understand darling. Then again, are any of us really the same person we were yesterday, last month, last year?” 

Myka’s eyes retreated from where she had been staring out the window and met Helena’s gaze intensely, “No, we aren’t. Life, things, _people_ have a way of changing who we are quicker than we ever thought possible.” 

“That they do, darling, that they do.” Helena kept her eyes on Myka, feeling something passing between them that was at once freeing and suffocating all at once. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Helena had the thought that her life, her very being was changing with each minute she spent in this woman’s company, but what she realized then and there was that she was perfectly alright with that. 

They finished their lunch, and headed back towards Myka’s car. The sun was already starting to fade in the sky, and a brisk wind had picked up while they had been inside. Myka tugged her coat more firmly around her, “Ok, I really didn’t think this whole walk thing through.” 

“You were a bit distracted, it’s fine. It’s really not that bad.” 

Myka shot her a look, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

Helena laughed, “I am, it’s bloody freezing, but I’m trying to make the most of it.” 

Myka tugged on Helena’s coat sleeve, “Come here.” She looped her arm through Helena’s just as she had on Wednesday as they had walked in the snow. She tucked her hand back inside the pocket of her own coat, leaving the two of them linked so tightly Helena could feel every muscle in Myka’s arm moving through her coat. “There, maybe this will make it slightly warmer.” 

“Well, it is a far more enjoyable way to endure the cold, I will say that.” Helena tightened her arm a little to give Myka’s a slight squeeze. 

They finally made it back to Myka’s car, where Helena practically jumped inside and huddled into a ball. Myka climbed in and cranked up the heat, “Are you going to be able to handle Colorado Springs Miss ‘it’s really not that bad?’” 

“Oh hush! I shall be perfectly fine, though I must say it might not be a bad idea on my part to invest in a few more sweaters.” 

“Sweaters would be highly advisable. So am I taking you back to your apartment or back to the store?” 

“My car is at the store.” 

“Ok.” Myka looked at the clock, “Claudia should be getting ready to close up, but we should be there before closing, which is good, I’ll be able to check in and see how the day went.” 

They drove in companionable silence for a few minutes until Myka glanced over at Helena with a slightly nervous look. 

“What is it?” 

Myka quirked an eyebrow, “How serious were you about the three question rule?” 

“I think that depends on what the next question might be.” 

“It’s tame, I promise, I just didn’t want to go and break your rules and ruin a perfectly nice afternoon.” 

Helena rolled her eyes, “I need to come up with a different word for you, but insufferable just sums it up so nicely I don’t know what else to use. However, I suppose I can allow a change of the rules, just this once.” 

Myka’s eyes lit up, “Ok good. What’s your favorite album of all time?” 

Helena burst out laughing, “You were honestly worried about asking me that?” 

Myka blushed, “No, but I honestly didn’t know how serious you were about the three question thing.” 

“Oh dear, I believe I have to stop teasing you Myka. Honestly, you can ask me whatever you want, however many times you would like.” 

“Good to know, but for now just the one. Favorite album, go.” 

“There are quite a few, but you’re asking all time favorite, yes?” 

“Yes.” 

“If I have to choose, Fleetwood Mac,  Rumours.” 

Myka’s smile was huge, “That is a fantastic choice. Great, great album.” 

“I feel a little odd about it, since it doesn’t even have my favorite song of theirs on it, however, overall, that whole album is just…I don’t know the word for it, really. It just kind of seeps into my bones when I listen to it.” 

“The mark of a perfect album. It gets you and never let’s go. Let me guess though… ‘Rhiannon?’” 

Helena’s jaw dropped, “How on _earth_ did you guess that?” 

“It’s kind of my job to know what music people love Helena. It’s become a bit of a hidden talent.” 

“I’m impressed, I must say. Ok, well what about you?” 

“What about me?” 

“Favorite album?” 

“Ugh, too many. Hazards of the job.” 

“Oh come on.” 

“Alright…though I swear if you asked me this question tomorrow, the answer would probably be different. If I honestly had to choose, which feels a bit like choosing your favorite kid or something, Heart,  Brigade.” 

Helena’s eyebrows raised, “Now that I was not expecting.” 

Myka gave her a questioning look, “Why not?” 

“I don’t know, I think I was expecting something completely obscure or something a bit older, I think.” 

“I can see where you would think that, but I don’t know, something about that album, I’m drawn to the desperation of it I think.” 

“Ann Wilson had that in spades when she sang.” 

“I love it.” Myka gave Helena an appraising look, like she was contemplating whether or not Helena could handle her next comment, with a slight lift of her eyebrows and quirk of her lips, as if in decision, she continued, “You know, that first night you were with the band, I totally judged you for picking a Heart song right off the bat, I never expected you could hold your own with it, but damn, if you didn’t prove me wrong.” 

Helena gave a breathy laugh, “I was petrified, to tell you the truth, but I figured why not be bold?” 

Myka gave her a pointed look, “You totally know what I’m going to say..” 

Helena smirked, “Possibly.” 

“Swagger.” 

Helena beamed, “I had a feeling that was it.” 

Myka pulled into the lot behind the store, but didn’t make a move to exit the car, all of her teasing bravado seemed to be melting away. 

Helena turned to her, puzzled, “Myka? What is it?” 

“I just wanted to say…before we go in and Claudia goes all, well, Claudia, thank you for today. It was nice, just getting to hang out with you for awhile, without all the crazy kids being around,” she gave an exaggerated head nod towards the store. 

“You’re welcome, though I must say I think I should be the one thanking you. I know that today wasn’t necessarily easy for you, but I appreciate that you let me see a bit more of who you are.” Helena felt like she sounded like a total fool, but Myka seemed to just keep smiling, deeper and wider. 

Myka looked like she was on the verge of saying, maybe doing, something else, but she seemed to swallow it down with a deep breath and a slump of her shoulders as she reached for the door handle, “So are you coming in?” 

Helena deflated a bit, they had definitely made progress today, but not as much as she’d hoped apparently, “Sure, I need to touch base with Claudia about a few things anyway.” 

They walked into the store as, what appeared to be the last of the day’s customers filed out. Claudia was just getting ready to close up the cash register when they came in. “Hey Claud. How was the day?” 

"All good cap’n. We were busy, you missed the flood of college frat guys pouring in, lucky you, it wasn’t pretty. I left a few orders on your desk. A couple of people came in looking for stuff that even my tech skills are incapable of finding, but I figured you could handle it.” 

“I’ll take a look at them on Monday. Thanks Claud.” Myka peeked into her office to see if there was anything else that might need immediate attention. 

“No problem-o. Alright, I’m heading out. I promised Todd we could get together to study. Finals! Joy of joys.” 

Helena reached for Claudia’s arm, “Could you wait for me Claudia? I wanted to ask you a few things before we start making calls to set up shows next week.” 

“Sure.” Claudia gave her a curious look that Helena tried to ignore, but couldn’t quite manage.

Myka emerged from her office, a few file folders tucked under her arm, and gave Helena a slight smile as she headed towards the stairs. Helena was powerless to do anything but follow. Myka seemed a bit surprised, but not unpleasantly so, “Walking me to my door?” 

“Ok, well when you put it that way, it sounds slightly pathetic,” Helena could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, and knew Myka could see it. 

Myka leaned and bumped against her shoulder, “Not pathetic.” 

“You drive me home once a week, the least I could do was actually see you to your door for once. Which here we are.” Helena’s face took on a confused look, “This is distinctly strange compared to you dropping me off at my apartment.” 

Myka laughed, “It’s a bit odd, but then again so are my living arrangements.” 

Helena turned to face Myka, leaning back slightly against the wall, “I really had a lovely time today Myka.” 

“I did too.” Myka was fiddling with her keys, only meeting Helena’s gaze through half-closed eyelids, “So…I’ll see you Monday?” 

Helena wasn’t sure she had ever felt so awkward, but then again she had never been in a situation where she was so unclear as to whether something was a date or just an afternoon with a friend, “Absolutely, I’ll be here, your lunch in hand.” 

Myka put a hand on her doorknob, offering Helena a shy smile, “Goodbye Helena.” 

“Goodbye Myka.” Helena hesitated for all of two seconds and then decided that if Myka appreciated her swagger, well she would live up to the expectation. She pushed off the wall, leaned up on the tips of her toes and pressed a light kiss to Myka’s cheek, “Good luck with your dinner tomorrow darling.” Helena wasn’t sure if Myka was even able to mutter a thank you, because Helena immediately turned on her heel and headed down the stairs, leaving Myka on her doorstep completely baffled and just a little bit giddy. 

Claudia was practically bouncing up and down when Helena came back down the stairs, “Please, please, please tell me that I just witnessed you walking Myka to her door.” 

“I believe that’s exactly what you just witnessed Claudia,” Helena tried to hide the smirk on her face, but couldn’t quite accomplish it fully. 

Claudia wiggled her arms, “Squeal of delight.” She threw her arms around Helena, “Way to go, H.G.” 

“I wouldn’t get too far ahead of yourself Claudia, I know I’m not.” 

“Oh come on, that was so totally a date.” 

“I’m not so sure about that.” 

“Well then you’re both crazy. I will tell you one thing though, I’m not sure I’ve seen Myka look that happy in years.” 

Helena gave a hesitant smile, suddenly feeling wildly unsure about everything that had happened that afternoon. Somehow Claudia’s certainty and excitement had left her unnerved. “Anyway, do you think that we could get together before dinner tomorrow to talk about some set list options?” 

“Yeah totally.” Claudia let Helena out of the store, then turned to lock the door behind them. “What do you say, 5:30, my place? We can head over to Pete and Amanda’s from there.” 

“Splendid.” Claudia was almost in her car, when Helena realized she didn’t have her purse, “Dammit. Claudia my purse is still inside, can I borrow your keys?” 

“Sure.” She tossed them to Helena then looked at her watch, “Shit, I didn’t realize I am so totally late, Todd’s going to kill me, he’s a spaz when it comes to stuff like this. Look, H.G. just lock up again ok, and bring my keys tomorrow. I gotta go.” 

Before Helena could say a word, Claudia was in her car and driving away. She shrugged her shoulders, “Righty ho then.” She turned back towards the door and let herself in, the bell echoing eerily in the now empty space. She looked around, finally spotting her purse on the counter, hidden behind the register. Just as she picked it up, a sound jostled her. The store was so quiet, it was creepy hearing anything. She stood stock still listening, she was almost certain it sounded like…there it was again, now she was sure, it was a piano, and definitely not a recording of one, no, someone was playing. Her eyebrows shot up her forehead, there was only one explanation, though after today, it seemed like a completely unfathomable one. If she was hearing piano music, it could only be coming from Myka’s apartment, which meant that Myka was playing it, even after denying that she didn’t play that much anymore, only mere hours ago. Helena knew she should turn around and just leave. If she had felt like she was intruding on something private watching Myka with her parents this afternoon, well then this, this was certainly intruding. Myka would have waited until she knew the store was locked up, she would have made sure no one was around. Helena needed to leave, but she couldn’t. Her feet seemed to have a mind of their own, retracing her steps up the stairs, her curiosity getting the best of her rationality. She made every effort to not make a sound, only stopping once she was within two stairs of Myka’s door. She waited, ears straining to hear more, but being met with only silence. Her body was leaning so far forward, she could have fallen over, if not for her hand grasping white-knuckled against the banister. Finally, when she was about to give up, convinced her mind was simply hearing things, the music reemerged, stronger and louder than before. 

It was a simple medley, beautiful because it was so minimal. Helena smiled at the thought of imagining Myka’s long fingers carefully prodding the notes out of the keys. It didn’t take long to gather that though the music was simple, Myka was immensely talented, there was the right amount of ebb and flow to the notes, shifts in tempo and volume, the music lacing through the air, leaving Helena completely enraptured, and then everything changed, because then it wasn’t just a piano playing, it was clearly, definitely, without a question, Myka singing, the words ringing out clearer than could be expected coming through a door. 

__“I don’t know you…but I want you…all the more for that…”_ _

Helena knew she should leave, knew she should turn around and walk out the door, leave Myka to her privacy, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Myka’s voice was haunting. It was full and rich, with just a hint of a desperate rasp behind it. Helena was positive that never in her life had she heard anyone sing like this, so laced with emotion, so laden with something unknowable, this voice, this voice was beautifully, fully Myka. 

__“And games that never amount…to more than they’re meant…will play themselves out.”_ _

Helena felt like a fool, but there were tears rimming her eyes, though she couldn’t exactly explain why. It was partly just Myka’s voice, the power, the emotion it carried, like it spoke from Myka’s soul. It was partly the lyrics, broken, pleading…what had Myka said about the broken ones? That they write the best music; Helena hadn’t truly understood that statement until now. Helena realized though, that more than anything it was the fact that Myka sounded beautiful, amazing, _and yet she hid this from everyone, or possibly just from Helena, she couldn’t be sure. Maybe everyone knew that Myka sang, and Helena just wasn’t in on the full story, that would seem to fit with everything else she knew, or didn’t know, about Myka’s life. Either way, Helena had heard Myka deny her musical ability over and over, but now, standing here, listening to this voice that she was sure would never leave her mind for the rest of the night, she had no idea why._

___“Falling slowly…eyes that know me…and I can’t go back…”_ _ _

She couldn’t take it anymore, the feeling of intrusion, the feeling of hearing something she really shouldn’t, the feeling that somehow she was betraying Myka in this moment. She fled down the stairs as quickly as she could while keeping silent. She grabbed her purse where it still laid abandoned on the counter, and flung herself out the door, making sure to lock it tightly behind her as Claudia had instructed. She fumbled for her keys, her hands shaking beyond her control. Finally, she made it into her car, gulping in sharp, cold breaths that raked through her lungs. She felt a few tears frozen to her cheeks. She couldn’t fully explain why this had hit her so hard, but as she thought back to how her lips felt pressed against Myka’s cheek, she realized it was because for all she thought she had learned about Myka Bering today, she still truly, knew absolutely nothing. ** 

___University of Colorado-Colorado Springs, Fall 2001_ _ _

“Ophelia, I refuse to even have this conversation!” 

Myka had to pull the phone away from her ear to avoid her father’s screaming, “Dad! Dad, Jesus will you just listen to me?” Myka cringed at her tone. Sure, she and her dad had never been on great terms, but never in her life had she spoken to him as she just did.

“No, I will not listen to you Ophelia. I don’t need to hear one more damn word about this, because I’ve heard everything I needed to hear.”

“I’ve barely told you anything.”

“You said you and this _boy_ you are seeing are performing at the Regents Café, at the request of Vanessa Calder. That, young lady is all I needed to hear.”

Myka felt like she was five years old, being scolded for accidentally bending a page in one of her father’s books. “How on earth is that all you need to hear to completely go off the deep end Dad?”

“Because associating with that woman will only bring you trouble. She preys on young people like you, who think that they have musical _talent_ or whatever she likes to call it. She persuades them to give up all of their responsibilities and throw away any chance they have of making a living, by convincing them that they can be successful. How can you be so naïve Ophelia?”

Tears stung the back of Myka’s eyes, which just made her more upset. She hated that after all of these years, her father still had the ability to get under her skin. She had thought that she had built up enough of a wall to not let him do this anymore, but apparently she was wrong. When she finally spoke, her voice was quieter than she ever intended it to be, “Did it ever occur to you Dad, that Sam and I might actually be good? That we might actually have a chance?”

There was a moment of silence on the other end, and Myka, foolishly, thought that she might have gotten through to him. That thought lasted for all of five seconds before she heard her father’s deep sigh, which only signaled his disappointment. “Ophelia…do you know how difficult it is to actually get a record deal? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t just happen to two random kids from Colorado Springs.”

“You haven’t even heard us Dad. Jesus, I can’t believe I was actually calling to invite you to come next Wednesday.”

“I don’t need an invitation Ophelia, because you are not doing this.”

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t get a choice in this. As long as your mother and I are paying for you to go to college, you will do just that, go to college. I will not allow you to get sucked into some pipe dream that you could ‘make it.’ It’s not going to happen.”

Anger surged through Myka’s chest, somehow in the course of one conversation her father had managed to not only belittle her, but also her dreams, her relationship with Sam, and any musical ability that she had shown in the 14 years that she had been playing piano. She sucked in a deep breath, steeling her courage to do something she had never done in her 19 years of life, stand up to her father. “Dad, this isn’t your choice to make. You refuse to let me have my own life. You refuse to acknowledge that I’m not that quiet, little girl in the corner that you can boss around anymore. This is my decision. This is my life, you don’t get a say in that.”

“Ophelia!”

“No, Dad, no more Ophelia. This is happening, whether you choose to support me or not.”

“I’m sorry, but no, I won’t support you throwing your life away. I won’t support my daughter choosing to turn her back on her schooling, on her family, on her responsibilities.”

“I AM NOT QUITTING SCHOOL!” Myka recoiled, she didn’t mean to scream, but her father was the most frustrating human being on earth. “How many times do I have to say that Dad? I have every intention of getting my degree.”

“That’s what all these deadbeats around town say. God, I wanted so much for you Ophelia.”

“What? So now I’m just another deadbeat huh Dad? Just because I’m making my own decisions?”

Her father’s voice rang out, “The store, Ophelia!”

“The store is YOUR dream Dad! I’m sorry that you assumed I would just fit into your perfect vision of how the world would work, but I can’t. I won’t resign myself to living a life I don’t want. _This_ is the life I want.”

“This is all because of that goddamn boy. You think you love him, and now you’re letting it cloud your judgment.”

“Oh, I am so done with this conversation. You don’t even know Sam, and you clearly don’t know a damn thing about me, if you think that I would make this kind of decision all because of a guy.”

“You’re right Ophelia, I don’t know who you are anymore, because the daughter that I raised would _never_ make a decision as selfish and as foolish as the decisions you are currently making.” 

Myka opened her mouth to respond, but she was met with a distinct click, “Dad? Dad?” She looked at her phone, where it was flashing the disconnected screen. “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she screamed at the screen. Without even thinking, she threw it onto her desk and grabbed her keys, slamming the door behind her.

She pounded on the door of the wrestling house. She debated yelling for Pete, but the house was on a main road, and there were a lot of people around. She figured if she did that people would assume she was some jilted girlfriend begging for a second chance, and that was just so not what she needed today. Finally, after two minutes of pounding, she heard footsteps coming to the door. Unfortunately, when the door opened, she realized that there was absolutely no chance of her luck turning around today, “Jesus Christ…” She was inches from turning around and just walking away, but there was no way Walter Sykes, Pete’s new best friend, the captain of the wrestling squad, was going to let that happen.

“Now Myka, is that any way for a lady to talk?” He leaned against the door frame, arms folded, smug look etched across his face.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Screw off Walter.”

He whistled, “Wow, we are feisty today. Not going to lie, it’s kind of sexy Bering. Gimme a chance, I could make you forget all about that lame ass Martino.”

Myka gave him a faux grimace, “Oh, I’m sorry, but I prefer to sleep with someone who doesn’t spend most of his time rolling around sweaty with other guys. I don’t think you qualify.”

Walter’s jaw clenched, Myka had struck a nerve, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “What do you think I’m doing here? I’m here to see Pete.”

Walter gave a chuckle that made Myka’s skin crawl, “I hate to tell you, but Pete’s a little _indisposed_ at the moment. I don’t really think he’s up for much talking.”

“What exactly does that mean?” Myka made her way fully up the stairs, standing toe to toe with Walter. For once in her life she was thankful for every inch of her five foot nine frame, because it allowed her look Sykes directly in the eye. “Where is he Walter?”

“Oh he’s here, but, like I said, he isn’t quite up for talking.”

Myka’s stomach turned at the look on Sykes’ face, which told her more than words could, “Let. Me. In.” She took one more step closer.

“Sorry, but I can’t allow that.”

“I swear to God, let me in that door right now.”

“Oh what are you going to do Bering, really?”

Myka didn’t say a word. The anger that was still roiling through her from her conversation with her Dad, the smug look on Walter’s face, the realization that Pete was most likely passed out drunk somewhere in the house, it was all too much for her. She turned like she was going to walk away, but just when Sykes started to laugh at his apparent success at turning her down, she threw all her weight back around, and punched him square in the jaw.

“Jesus Christ. Fuck.” He doubled over, hand clenched over his jaw which was already starting to swell.

Myka pushed him aside and stormed into the house, “Pete?!” She ran up the stairs to Pete’s room. The door was ajar, and she shouldered through it, only to be caught up short. Pete was sprawled on his bed, shirt off, beer cans strewn across his comforter and the floor around him. It took her a second to even process if he was breathing. Thankfully, his chest was moving in deep heaves, but pain tore through Myka’s brain when she realized that no one had even made a point of making sure that Pete was on his side. He could die right here, unconscious and none of the people in this house would give a damn. Just as she was moving towards his bed, he gave an incoherent grunt, seemingly coming back around. 

“Pete!” She lunged to his side, “Pete, wake up!”

Pete opened bleary eyes, “Mykes?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Pete wake up. Look at me.” She gave him a light tap on his face, trying desperately to bring him around.

He perked up slightly, “What’s up Myka, my sweet Mykes?” He moved to hug her.

She pushed against his shoulders, “Pete! Snap out of it, I swear to God if you make a move on me, I will leave.”

Pete laughed, loud and sloppily, “I’m just playin’ Mykes. What’s upppppppp?” 

The tears she had been holding back all day spilled out, but all thoughts of her dad were gone. Myka found Pete like this at least twice a week now. He had pushed away all of the friends he had made last year. Mike wouldn’t even look at him. By the end of last year, Pete had made their living arrangements such a living hell that Mike had basically moved in with his girlfriend to avoid him. He had done all he could to try and get Pete help and was always met with anger. Pete took a swing at him once in a drunken stupor and that had been the last straw. Myka was well aware that at this point, Pete was drunk more often than he was sober. Try as she might to help him stay caught up, she knew he was close to failing all of his classes, which meant close to losing his scholarship. The rest of the wrestling team was in the same position, and so they helped each other put in the most minimal effort required to stay on the team. At this point, Myka knew she was the only person fighting for Pete. She wasn’t sure if his mom knew what was happening, but he had caught her trying to get his mom’s number off of his phone once, and he had lost it on her so hard they didn’t speak for weeks. 

Furiously, she wiped the tears from her eyes, “God Pete, I can’t keep finding you like this. Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?”

“Oh come on Myka! It’s college! I’m living the dream!” He spread his arms wide, gleeful smile on his face.

“No you aren’t! You’re killing yourself Pete. I am so goddamn sick of finding you like this.”

Pete’s attitude changed on a dime, he flung the hand she had laid on his shoulder off of him, “Then maybe you should stop coming around Myka! Do _you_ have any idea how goddamn sick I am of having you lecture me all the time? You’re not my mother.”

Myka stood up, “You’re right, Pete, I’m not. But you know what? I am the only fucking person on this entire campus that cares about what happens to you. None of these guys that you live with give a damn about you. I’m trying to help you Pete, before something happens.”

“Well, I don’t need your help Myka, and if I’m such a burden, then maybe you should stop caring.”

Myka hung her head, “Pete, no, that’s not what I meant…”

“Maybe you didn’t, but I did Myka. Get out. I don’t need your help.”

She put her hands up in utter defeat, “Fine. If this is how you want to live your life, well I’m sorry, but I can’t be here to watch it. I just can’t.”

“That’s fine, because I don’t want you here.” Pete moved towards her enough to get her out of his room, and he promptly slammed the door in her face. She stood there, too stunned to move, until Walter’s voice echoed up the stairs.

“I think he made himself pretty damn clear. Get the fuck out of our house Bering.”

She forced herself to walk down the stairs calmly, eyes boring into Walter’s cold, unfeeling face. She walked right up to him and felt a slight twinge of pride that he backed up a half step at her approach, “I swear to God, Walter, if something happens to him, I’ll do more than punch you next time.”

“Oh don’t you worry your pretty little face about Pete. We’ll take good care of him, trust me.” 

Myka wanted to say something, maybe to hit him again, but she was at a total loss. She just shook her head and left, completely and totally defeated. Tears streaming down her face, she let her feet carry her, unconsciously, where she realized she should have gone in the first place, to Sam’s.

She didn’t even have to say anything when she got there. He simply opened the door, took one look at her face, and engulfed her in his arms, one hand cradling her head, the other rubbing soothing circles against the small of her back. They stood just like that in his doorway, until Sam felt Myka’s sobs begin to abate, and only then did he loosen his grip around her, bringing a thumb up to wipe away her tears, kiss her forehead, and whisper, “Tell me what happened Bunny.”

Myka took a shuddering breath and stepped into the apartment. She huddled into a corner of the couch, while Sam went to get her a glass of water. He brought it to her, then settled down at her side, lifting her legs into his lap. He rubbed her leg, “Talk to me Myka.”

She shook her head, “Honestly, I can’t decide which reason is actually making me cry at this point. It’s been an eventful afternoon.”

Sam gave her a soft smile, “Start wherever you want.”

“I punched Walter.”

Sam’s jaw dropped, though a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, “You did what?”

“I went over to see Pete. My dad and I had a huge fight this morning, reason number one for the crying, and I just wanted to vent a little bit and Pete’s heard all of my shit with my dad, so I went over there, and Walter wouldn’t let me in. He made it pretty clear that Pete was upstairs drunk, and that I couldn’t come in, and I don’t know I just lost it. He just kept smirking at me, like he was proud of what he has done to Pete, and so I punched him.”

“What did he do?” Sam was trying desperately to keep himself from laughing, but the image of Myka knocking out a wrestler was just too much.

“I didn’t really hang around to find out, I just ran up to Pete’s room before he could pick himself up off the floor.”

Sam squeezed Myka’s leg, “And how was Pete?”

“Welcome to reason number two.” Myka felt a fresh wave of tears coming on, but took a deep breath and fought them down. “He was how he always is lately. Drunk, passed out, just coming around when I got there. No one had even checked on him Sam, he was just laying there on his back. He could have died and none of those guys would have cared. I tried to talk to him, and he lost it on me. He kicked me out,” her words were starting to come in clipped, ragged breaths. “He told me that he didn’t want me around anymore, that he didn’t….that he didn’t need my help.” She couldn’t hold in the sobs anymore.

“Oh…baby come here,” Sam pulled her into his lap, but didn’t know what to say, so he just held her, held her until she started talking again.

“I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve done everything I can. He needs help, but he doesn’t want it, and I can’t force him, and I am petrified that he is going to wind up dead. I can’t handle that Sam. For reasons that I cannot explain, I love that idiot and if he keeps going like this…”

“I know….I know. Give him a few days, let him cool down, he’ll come around.”

“I don’t think so. Something about this felt, different, permanent. You should have seen the way he looked at me.”

“He’s in a bad place, but trust me I know what you two have, Pete won’t just throw that away Bunny.”

Myka shook her head and wiped at her eyes, “I’m not so sure…”

They sat there for long moments, Sam’s thumb running over Myka’s knuckles, her head curled into his shoulder, his lips pressing small but certain kisses into her curls. Finally, he whispered into her hair, “Do you want to tell me what happened with your Dad?”

Myka scoffed, “It doesn’t even bear repeating really. I called to tell him about the show, and he went ballistic. He told me he doesn’t know who I am anymore, that he doesn’t support any of this, that he thinks I’m throwing my life away. Basically, the same ridiculous shit that he spewed at me all summer. I don’t even know why it upset me like it did. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.”

“Hey…” Sam lifted her head up with two fingers under her chin, “No one should have to be used to the kind of crap your dad throws at you, no one. Myka, if he can’t see what you’re doing, what we’re doing…if he can’t see how talented you are, then it’s his loss.”

“I don’t know why I even care what he thinks.” Myka rolled her eyes and turned to look out the window, unable to hold Sam’s gaze where he was staring at her with almost too much concern, too much love.

“You care because you’re you, Bunny, and because he’s your dad, and that’s ok, but don’t let him take this away from you.”

Myka kept staring out the window, “I know…I won’t. I just wish that he….that he….”

“I know baby…” Same turned her head again and kissed her lightly. “You want to get out of here? Maybe go grab some coffee, a little fresh air?”

Myka smiled, softly, not quite fully, “Yeah, sure.”

**

They sat at their usual table, in their usual little corner of Pikes Peak, but Myka didn’t really feel like talking. She felt like she had run out of words. She was exhausted and emotionally spent, and just felt empty. She realized as she sat there staring at Sam fiddling with his guitar, which he ceased to go anywhere except class without these days, that her pain, her frustration, her tears, they weren’t for her Dad. She had become numb to his anger, his expectations. No, this aching void was about Pete. Her worry and her fear that he might fade away, not just from her life, but from life period, left her feeling hollow and so nervous she didn’t know what to do with herself. Sam seemed to sense it, the shift in her attitude since they’d sat down. In all honesty, he probably knew the second that she started talking earlier that all of this would boil down to Pete, because he was just as worried, but had absolutely no clue how to help. Finally, there was only one option he could think of. He leaned down into his bag and pulled out a notebook and pencil, and slid it across the table. “Write.”

Myka startled a bit, she hadn’t noticed him moving really, too lost in everything that was circling her mind, “What?” She looked down at the notebook like she’d never seen it before.

“You need to write. You need to get this out, whatever it is you’re feeling, or it’s going to eat you alive.”

“I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now Sam.”

“That’s usually when genius tends to show up. Just…just write whatever you wish you could say to Pete if he would listen.” He nudged the notebook closer to her, “It’ll help Myka.”

She unceremoniously flipped the notebook open, “It’s worth a try, I suppose.”

Sam gave her a wink, “That’s my girl.”

She had thought she was out of words, that there was nothing left to say, but from the second she picked up the pencil she couldn’t stop. Words poured out of her like they were something painful she had to expunge from her body. She found herself thinking back to that smiling, carefree guy she had met on the first day of college, of what she wished she could tell him if she could go back in time. She thought over and over and over again about the drunken, angry man that she had encountered this afternoon. She replayed his words until they lost meaning. She thought of everything that she had to lose if she lost Pete, of the way he would show up at her dorm in the middle of the night with Twizzlers when he knew she was up studying, of the way he would listen to her complain about her dad for hours and never once judge her for the bitterness and frustration that she spewed, of the time last year when she had been writing a paper for hours on end before he showed up and dragged her out of the library to build a snowman because she needed a break. She thought about the fact that, other than Sam, Pete Lattimer was the greatest thing that had happened to her since she started college. She thought about how all she wanted to do in this moment was save her best friend from drowning, but he just kept slipping further and further away. She thought about how Pete had already been through so much, losing his father when he was so little, and feeling completely helpless to go on. She thought about how he had said once that if he could get through that he could get through anything. She thought about how he said his dad’s death made him want to live the right kind of life. Yet, here they were, Pete throwing his life down a bottle, seeming like he was giving up on everything, including this life that he wanted to live so well. She wrote until her hand cramped up, until she had scribbled out and rewrote more lines than she knew how to process, and only then did she stop, stop because she finally was actually out of words.

Without saying anything, she pushed the book back towards Sam, and went to get another cup of coffee. When she came back, she was shocked to see tears in Sam’s eyes, and to hear him already trying out a tune to go with what she had written, teasing, strumming, experimenting with the right balance of notes to capture the haunted heartbreak yet relentless hope, she had just written.

She sat back down and resumed staring out the window until Sam finished the last small progression he was working on. She felt his hand wrap around hers, “Myka…”

She looked back at him, her eyes mirroring the desperation she felt.

“Myka, this is incredible. I don’t even know what to say…it’s just…it’s perfect.”

She offered him a small smile and a whispered, “Thanks.”

Sam’s brow crinkled then, and he looked nervous, like he was weighing his next words carefully, “I think…if you’ll let me write up music to it…I think this is what we should play at the Regents.”

She felt her eyes go wide, “Sam, that is in two weeks, there is no way that we could get something ready that soon.”

“We can do it. Myka, this song, this is the type of thing that changes people.”

She didn’t know what to say, but she felt a tugging in her stomach that Sam might be right. She usually didn’t like sharing her stuff with the world, she preferred when they played anywhere that they stuck to Sam’s stuff and covers, but this song, what she felt behind it, for once she felt it was worth sharing, because maybe if she could sing it enough times, and enough people could hear it and take its weight onto their shoulders, it would ease her pain just a little, make her feel less of its burden on her heart. “Ok, let’s do it.”

Sam gave her one of those smiles that made her heart stutter, and then he returned his sharpened focus to his guitar, and Myka returned her attention to the world outside the windows that was spinning faster than she knew how to handle.

**

Two weeks later, Myka stood backstage at the Regents, barely able to contain her nerves. Up to this point, she and Sam had only ever played in coffeehouses that were usually only half occupied and then it was with people who were barely paying attention. This, a Wednesday night at the Regents Café, was a completely different experience. The bar was packed and everyone was attentive to the point of being distracting. Sam was sitting in a corner tuning his guitar, and thus leaving Myka to her pacing back and forth, constantly looking at her watch, waiting for when it was their turn. Vanessa appeared backstage in her usual state of calm composure. She placed a stilling hand on Myka’s shoulder, “You will be great, Myka.”

Myka couldn’t speak, so she offered what she could, a half smile that only made it look like there was a fifty percent chance that she would throw up any minute.

Vanessa grasped onto both of her arms, turning Myka to face her, “Myka, seriously. I only invite people here who I truly believe in. You and Sam have something special, just go out there and do what I have seen you do before and you will be fantastic.”

Myka gave a deep sigh of what she hoped might pass as relief, “Thank you. I’m not usually this nervous. I think it’s because we’re playing something new, I don’t know. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

At that moment, Sam came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist, placing a small kiss against her cheek, “We are going to be fantastic Bunny.”

Myka relaxed into Sam’s hold. Vanessa gave them a soft smile, “You guys are on in two minutes. I’ll leave you to it. Good luck.”

Sam spun Myka in his arms so she could face him, “Myka look at me. This song is magic. It’s ready. _We_ are ready.”

Myka took a deep breath as she listened to Vanessa’s words echo through the bar, “Our next act are some of our own, ladies and gents, give a warm welcome to Sam Martino and Myka Bering.”

There was more applause than she expected. Sam placed a small kiss on her forehead and bounded onto the stage, ready to go, just like always. As Myka settled herself behind the piano, she gave a fleeting thought to if Pete was out in the audience. She had texted him, telling him how much she wanted him there, how much it would mean if he would be there to support her. She didn’t mention that she had written the song for him, but she had hoped if he heard it, he would know. He hadn’t responded, but Myka still held out hope. Sam’s voice speaking into the mic jarred her from her thoughts, “Thanks everyone. This is a new one of ours, written by that lovely lady behind the piano over there. It’s called ‘Falling Slowly,’ enjoy.”

Myka felt a peace wash over her as she placed her fingers over the keys. This was where she belonged, this was what she wanted, these were her words, this was her time. Sam’s small, pulsating chords rang out, and she followed in smooth succession with a melody that settled somewhere in her chest and filled her with warmth. She couldn’t really process anything until they flowed into the chorus, and then, once her voice joined with Sam’s, once he looked at her over his mic stand, in that sidelong way that he had, once he gave her that smile, she finally was able to focus on just what was happening.

She felt her voice gain its strength in her throat, no longer hesitant or shy, but strong, lilting, filled with the emotion that she had poured into the lyrics.

_“Take this sinking boat, and point it home…we’ve still got time. Raise your hopeful voice…you have a choice...you’ve made it now.”_

Myka didn’t know what to expect when they finished. She wondered if maybe her ears were ringing because everything seemed completely silent, until they weren’t, until the applause that rang out through the café overtook all of her senses, and it was all she could do to smile, give a small wave and a quick bow with Sam, before they were moving off-stage. It had lasted all of five minutes, but it had felt like a lifetime, a lifetime that she would gladly live over and over again.

They were one of the last groups to perform that night, so by the time they had caught their breath and put their things away, Vanessa was back on stage thanking everyone for coming out. She walked back towards them with what looked an awful like pride shining on her face, “You two were amazing. The difference from when I last heard you to now…it’s indescribable. Come on, there’s a couple of people I want you to meet.”

Vanessa led them through a small throng of people, all of whom offered them congratulations and encouragement, until they came to a table tucked into the back. It was occupied by a man and a woman, both of whom appeared to be in their early thirties. As they approached, both of them stood up. Vanessa ushered Myka and Sam forward.

“Myka Bering, Sam Martino, I would like to introduce you to Rebecca St. Clair and Jack Secord.”

Handshakes were exchanged, but neither Myka nor Sam knew what to say beyond general politeness. Both of them were keenly aware of just who they were being introduced to, and it left them both stunned into silence. 

Vanessa gave them a knowing smile, like she knew what they were thinking, “As you both are probably aware, Jack and Rebecca own St. Secord Records, and well…I’ve done enough talking already, I’ll let them continue.”

Rebecca gestured towards the other seats at the table and they all sat, “Well, I’m just going to cut to the chase, before my husband explodes over here,” Rebecca’s laugh was soft and assuring. “You two are exactly what we look for at our label. Young, unique, talented obviously, with a flair for good writing. Myka? You wrote the song you guys played?

Myka smiled shyly, “I wrote the lyrics, Sam wrote the music.”

Jack seemed like he could help himself, but had to interject, “Well, it was fantastic!”

Rebecca smirked, “I told you he was going to explode.”

Jack didn’t even seem to notice Rebecca’s interruption, “Has anyone talked to you two about recording a demo?”

Sam’s eyes widened in surprise, and he stole a shocked look at Myka, “No...wow…just no they haven’t.”

Rebecca leaned forward, folding her hands against the table, “Well, welcome to that conversation Mr. Martino. This is all very preliminary, but here’s what we’re proposing, we would like you two to work with Vanessa to set up getting a demo recorded, she has people who can help you with that. Once that’s done, we’ll get a copy, give it a listen, and bring you two in to talk about possible next steps. How does that sound?”

“I think that sounds incredible. Myka?” Sam turned to her all expectant eyes and exuberance.

Myka felt stunned, “Yeah, definitely, there’s just…there’s just one thing.” She curled her lip underneath her teeth, fearing that she was about to ruin what was happening in this moment. 

Sam looked like he wanted to say something, but kept quiet, though the look he was giving Myka didn’t go unnoticed. Rebecca offered Myka an encouraging smile, “What is it Myka? If you have concerns, this is the time to say something.”

A voice that sounded an awful lot like her father’s echoed in her mind, though she tried to silence it, “Not concerns really, I mean this is what I want, and the opportunity you’re presenting us with is amazing. No, I just want to get one thing out there, because it’s important that I do. I want to make sure that even if we move forward with this, and those possible next steps happen, that I’ll still be able to finish school.”

Rebecca seemed to give a sigh of relief, “Myka, you don’t need to worry about that at all.”

Jack picked up for Rebecca, “Part of the reason that we started this label was because we wanted to be a place where artists are cared for, are able to grow and flourish and create the music they want, _on their terms._ That was very important for us, and if one of your terms Myka is that you want to be able to finish school, get your degree, then that is what we will do. We are more than willing to make that work.”

Myka nodded, feeling as though a weight was lifting from her shoulders, “Ok, thank you, really.”

The rest of the conversation passed quickly. They set up a time to meet with Vanessa, and she said she would make some calls the next day to find them recording space. She said it shouldn’t be difficult to get their demo ready and to Jack and Rebecca within a month or so. Jack and Rebecca said that was completely acceptable, and that they looked forward to hearing it. Business cards and phone numbers were exchanged, and before they knew what was happening, they were leaving the Regents, as though something life-changing hadn’t just happened. However, Myka felt certain that something beyond the life-changing had happened at that table, because once they got in the car, Sam barely said a word, and didn’t for the rest of the night.  
**

Myka didn’t discover what had upset Sam that night, until several weeks later when they were sitting in Jack and Rebecca’s office at St. Secord’s going over the details of the contract that was being offered to them. They had recorded their demo the previous week, and Jack had called them practically within hours of receiving it, asking if they would be willing to come in and talk about the details of what a future with St. Secord’s would look like. After expressing her initial hesitations and finding only reassurance, Myka was more than ready to take this next step. She felt like the label was the right place for her and Sam, she felt like they would be supported and encouraged rather than harangued, pressured, and made to fit into some box that they didn’t really belong in. She was writing more than she ever had before, finding new wells of material than she ever expected. She realized that it was mostly born out of the fact that she and Pete still hadn’t spoken, and the pain she was dealing with from that, the worry that was plaguing her every second was enough to make the words flow without ceasing. Sam, however, had grown quieter and quieter. He had seemed happy enough when they were recording, but his usual excitement wasn’t there. He wasn’t pushing for them to practice, he wasn’t pushing for them to do much of anything really, so Myka just kept on writing, trying desperately to convince herself that it wasn’t a big deal, that everything would be fine once they got their contract signed. She could not have been more wrong.

“So here’s what we’re proposing,” Jack pointed to a particular section of the massive pile of paper that was spread across the table between them. “We’ll take advantage of your winter break this year to get you in the studio as much as possible, getting as much of an album recorded as we can in those few weeks. We’ll see how far you get, and then go from there. Ideally, we’d love to get it mostly done, but if we don’t that’s ok.”

Rebecca picked up from there, “We know you both are busy, and we want to make sure that we’re respecting your responsibilities with school, but what we would like is if you can be here once a week. Whether you’re here just working in one of the writing rooms building new stuff, or if you’re in the studio finishing up tracks, it doesn’t matter, we just want you here. It will give you a chance to meet people, for them to get to know you, it will be it’s own form of publicity before your album is even released.”

Jack again. Myka tried to stifle a laugh, as she realized how intricately Jack and Rebecca had developed this back and forth, it was as though they could read each other’s thoughts. “We’re going to shoot for a late spring release. We’ll do our best to get you a few smaller gigs before the release, places around town, maybe a few shows in Denver, just enough to make people curious, get their interests up. Vanessa has already said that you are welcome at the Regents as often as you like, you just have to let her know you’re coming and she’ll put you on the list. That will help immensely. Playing at the Regents is the best thing you two can do right now, so keep that up, it will do wonders. Then once your album is out, we’ll talk about tour dates.”

Back to Rebecca, “Now obviously, you won’t be touring on your own at this point, but we’ve already been putting some feelers out to some of our other artists who are touring this summer, people we think you would blend with well. Our hope is to get you on one of those tours as the main opener, hopefully the only opener so you can have a longer set. We would be absolutely sure to have you both back here in Colorado Springs for the start of your semester. At that point, we can evaluate the album’s performance, how the tour went, and what we can do from there.”

Jack took in a deep breath, “I know we’ve thrown a lot at you this afternoon, that it’s a lot to process, you don’t have to make any decisions today, but we wanted you to know that we have a plan. We believe that you two can do something big, and we also believe that we are the best place to help make that happen.”

Myka felt like she was going to explode with excitement. What Jack and Rebecca had laid out for them, it sounded like everything that she and Sam needed, something planned, something a little slow, something that could help them develop, but not impede what they were already doing. “Honestly, I think this sounds really, really great. I appreciate that you’re willing to give us time and space to make this work, and not just throwing us into the deep end. I think what you’ve laid out is what we need.” She turned an expectant look towards Sam whose face didn’t look nearly as optimistic as Myka’s.

He offered her a small smile and then turned towards Jack and Rebecca, “Maybe it’s just me, but this sounds like a bit of a slow plan. Don’t we need to just really get ourselves out there as much as possible? Don’t we need exposure?”

Rebecca gave him a small nod, “That is how some labels operate, yes, but what we have found Sam is that that doesn’t work often. More often than not, it results in a brief explosion of popularity, and then nothing. It burns people out. It doesn’t give them a chance to adapt, to figure out truly who they are, or allow them space to develop their talent. We do take a slower approach, but we take what has been shown to be a much more successful approach, one that encourages longevity.”

Sam continued to push, “So what you’re saying is that you do the opposite of what Artifact Records, the largest label in town, does?” Myka tried to put a hand on Sam’s arm, but he flinched it away, turning to her, “Myka, we need all the details. We can’t just do this because it’s the first option.”

Jack sat up a little straighter, “That is exactly what we’re saying Sam. Rebecca and I both got our start at Artifact, and do not misunderstand me, we respect Artie Nielsen deeply. He has done some great things for his artists, however, their size comes with a price. That is why we left. That is, if I’m being honest, why Vanessa left and opened the Regents. Artists at Artifact become faces in a crowd. They aren’t taken care of all the time. They aren’t the priority, money is the priority.”

“Isn’t money kind of an important part of all of this,” Sam asked.

Jack continued, “Sure, but it isn’t the most important part. The music is the most important part Sam, and we thought that you and Myka agreed with us on that. If you would prefer to go with Artifact, by all means try, but I will tell you, what you two have, is not what Artifact wants. They don’t want original, they don’t want songwriters. They want people who can churn out album after album, even if there is no depth or meaning in those albums. They will not encourage you to write, and they most certainly will not heed any of Myka’s concerns about school.”

Here Rebecca chimed in, “They will have you out on some nine month tour before you know what you’re doing. There will be never be a conversation about how you can be a musician and still graduate college. You will be a cog in a machine that does not stop once you are on it. You will be exhausted, and in the end you will no longer be the Sam and Myka that we saw at the Regents the other night.”

Sam didn’t say anything, and Myka didn’t know what to say, at least not with Jack and Rebecca still in the room. She turned what she was sure was a desperate look at Rebecca, who seemed to understand immediately. She stood up and placed a hand on Jack’s obviously tensed shoulder, “Why don’t we give you two a few minutes to talk. We’ll go grab some coffee, be back in ten minutes or so.” Jack followed her out of their office with a guiding hand on her back while he whispered something undetectable in her ear.

As soon as the door shut behind them Myka turned to Sam, gripped onto his arm, and refused to let him shy away this time, “Sam I don’t want that. I want us to be us. I want us to be able to write and figure things out, and most of all, I want to be able to graduate. You’ve known that from the start, and if Jack and Rebecca can give all of that to us, then that’s what I want.”

Sam sighed, “It just sounds so _slow._ I mean don’t you want to just get out there Myka and do this?”

“I do, but I also think that we still have a lot to figure out, and I’d rather go slow so that the music that we do put out is authentic to who we are, and is something that we can be proud of, than dive in head first and put out some run-of-the-mill, boring stuff that sounds nothing like us.”

“I know, and I don’t want to lose that either, but I also don’t want us to miss a huge opportunity because we’re playing it safe and giving ourselves too much time.”

There was something in Sam’s voice that bothered Myka, like he wasn’t quite saying what his biggest problem was. She feared that she knew what it was, but really didn’t want to say, yet she knew that if there was any time to do it, it was now, “Sam is this because I want to stay at school? You’ve been acting like this ever since that night at the Regents when I said that to them.”

He at least had the decency to look ashamed, “I’m sorry Bunny, but…I just don’t want anything holding us back.”

“So me being responsible and wanting to graduate is holding us back?” Myka felt like she had been slapped.

“No, it’s just, if we’re going to do this, I want to be all in, I want it to be our main focus, and I don’t see how that’s possible if we’re both still trying to focus on school.”

Myka put up her hands, “Ok, Sam, listen to me, what’s happening here is not a guarantee. We don’t sign that paper and miraculously are promised a successful life. We don’t sign and automatically get a free pass that says we’ll always get by. I’m not willing to just bank on this working Sam, let alone the fact that my degree is important to me. I get if that’s not where you’re at, and that’s your decision, but I need you to respect that I don’t do this, unless I can make school work too.”

Sam turned to her then, and he looked more like himself, “I just…I just want to know that we’re completely in this together, that we both really want to do this.”

Myka placed a palm against Sam’s cheek, “I am one hundred percent in this with you Martino. I’m not going anywhere. This _is_ what I want, I just want to make sure we do it the right way, and I think that’s the way Jack and Rebecca are offering us.”

Sam sighed, leaning into her touch, “You’re right. You’re _always_ right. I’m sorry Bunny, I think I’m just a little overwhelmed.”

“It’s ok, I am too, but that’s why we have each other.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each of them staring at the contract laid out before them. Finally Myka spoke, quietly, hesitantly, “Sam…I need to know that you’ll support the fact that I want to finish school. I don’t want this to happen, and then you end up resenting me if it doesn’t go as planned.”

“I will, I promise.” Sam’s eyebrows knotted, “Wait, that made it sound like I will resent you. Ok, starting over. I will support you, I do support you Bunny, and I won’t resent you. If anything, I’m probably going to end up being thankful that you’re so damn responsible. Plus, I can’t really do this without you, you write all the lyrics.”

Myka laughed, “Now that is completely true.” 

Sam leaned in to kiss her right as Jack and Rebecca returned. They practically sprung apart as Rebecca spoke through her laughter, “Well, this looks promising.”

Myka blushed and started to speak, but Sam beat her to it, “We’re ready. Jack, Rebecca, I’m sorry, I was completely out of line. What you both are offering us, it’s…it’s amazing. I shouldn’t have acted like I did.”

Jack clapped a hand to Sam’s shoulder, “Sam, if you think that is the worst reaction we have gotten to an offered contract, you are crazy. Trust me, you were tame.”

Sam chuckled, but continued to look sheepish as he asked where they needed to sign to make the contract official. They signed more papers than they really could count, but Jack and Rebecca walked them through each portion, explaining as they went, expanding more on the steps they would take in the coming weeks and months. Eventually, all that was left was for Jack and Rebecca to sign the last page, which they both did with a flourish before turning to Sam and Myka, and welcoming them officially to St. Secord records.

**

For all their talk of Jack and Rebecca’s plan sounding slow, Myka wasn’t sure her life had moved as fast as it did over the next couple of months. She barely felt like she had time to breathe, let alone take care of the hundreds of things that were coming at her and Sam a mile a minute. They played at the Regents at least once a week after they signed their contract. Vanessa was insistent on helping them gain recognition in whatever ways possible, and it paid off, after about a month, people were starting to ask them when they would be releasing an album, always with an anxious tone to their voices. The nights that they were at the Regents were slowly becoming the busiest nights of the week, and Vanessa had to go so far as to kick them off the Wednesday list, because between them and the songwriter’s showcase, it was more people than the café could handle. So, Tuesday nights became solely their own, where they were able to relax, play songs they were still experimenting with, and gain a better feel for each other on stage. It all felt extremely surreal. Myka kept feeling like she must be having some sort of out-of-body experience, simply watching someone else going through these things, rather than really feeling them herself, because, honestly, it just felt too unbelievable. 

She had hit a point where she wasn’t sure her life could feel any crazier, and yet there was always something happening the next second to prove her wrong. The week before the end of the semester, and thus the week before she and Sam were supposed to start recording their album, she needed a break, just a few moments of peace to rest, possibly to study a bit more for her Jazz History final the next day, to just escape the insanity that felt like her life lately. She walked across town to Pikes Peak, figuring she could hole up there like she and Sam usually did, and actually get some work done. She figured she could just fade into the background for awhile and maybe, possibly, for a few scant hours feel like some version of herself that she recognized. She ordered her coffee, and settled herself into their usual table, spreading out her books and her notes, but before she could even read one sentence she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“I am so sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt, but you’re Myka Bering aren’t you?” Myka knew her shock was written all over her face, and she had no ability to recover, before the man standing before her, the man she thought she recognized, continued to talk, “Sorry, horribly rude of me, I’m William Wolcott,” he extended a hand towards her, which she graciously took, “I actually own this place, and even though I’ve seen you here before, I didn’t realize who you were until I went to the Regents Café last week.”

Myka’s eyes grew wide as she realized that for the first time in her very young life, in her very, very new career, she was being recognized. Yet again, though, William continued before she could speak, “Anyway, I just wanted to come by and say that I think you and Sam are fantastic, and to let you know, I mean I know we’re not exactly the Regents over here, but we do open mic nights on the weekend, and we would absolutely love it if you and Sam would play sometime.” The man finally took a deep enough breath that gave Myka space to speak.

“Thank you, Mr. Wolcott…”

He smiled as he interrupted, “Oh please, call me Wolly, everyone else does.”

Myka couldn’t help but return his smile, he seemed so unabashedly exuberant, it was a bit contagious, “Right, Wolly. I’ve got to tell you, Sam and I love it here, I actually can’t believe we haven’t met you before, we’re here _a lot_ , we kind of like to come here to write actually. We’ve been to a few of the open mic nights, but that was before we were really playing in public, so we never really thought about it, but I would love that and I’m sure Sam would too.”

“Wonderful. It’s pretty much first come, first serve, so if you ever feel like stopping in, please do.”

“We will. We definitely will.”

Wolly gave her one last smile and returned back behind the counter. Myka turned her attention back to her books, but suddenly had absolutely no ability to focus. She just smiled and shook her head, closed her books and pulled out her journal. Her life, it seemed, was never going to cease to amaze her these days.

She walked into Sam’s apartment later that night to find him desperately trying to write a guitar line for a song she had written the week before. She dropped her bag unceremoniously on the floor, “You will never guess what happened to me today?”

Sam shot her a quizzical look over his shoulder, while his fingers kept working at the strings, “What?”

She sprawled onto the couch, “I got recognized.”

Sam stopped playing and turned fully to her, “What?”

“See this is why I write the songs Martino, your vocabulary could really use some work,” she winked at his eye roll, then continued, “I went over to the coffee shop to work and the owner recognized me from the Regents. It was surreal. He offered us a spot at their open mic nights whenever we’re free.”

Sam put his guitar down and joined her on the couch, “That is insane. Face it, Bunny, you’re devastating good looks have turned us into celebrities.”

“Oh I’m sure that’s what it was…”

“So what did you tell him? About the open mic nights, that is?”

“I told him I’d talk to you, but that we’d probably do it. It can’t hurt right? I mean I think it could only help really?”

“Absolutely. We can’t just play at the Regents, the more exposure we can get, the better. Plus, that place is fantastic, I would live off of their chai tea if I could.”

“I would let you, it’s the only thing that can actually get you to help me write a damn song.”

“Hey!” He gave a slight pinch to her calf that was lying across his lap, “You keep that up, I might not let you stay here anymore.”

Myka rolled her eyes and sat up, repositioning herself onto Sam’s lap, “Please, like you would ever get rid of me? You love me too much.”

Sam ran a hand through her curls, “You’ve got me there, I suppose.” He leaned up and kissed her, deeply, thoroughly, and Myka realized that her studying was probably going to be put off just a little bit longer that night.

**

“Well, are you two ready for this?” Rebecca was the first one to greet them when they arrived at the studio. 

They looked at each other, then turned back to Rebecca, both trying as hard as possible to contain their nerves and their excitement at the same time. “We’re ready,” Myka nodded. “Definitely,” Sam was all smiles and giddy anticipation today, which gave Myka a certain degree of peace of mind. All the hesitancies from the fall, all the tension that had been ebbing and flowing through them had dissipated over the last few weeks, and she finally felt good, ready, desirous of taking this next step with him.

“Wonderful. Come on in.” Rebecca ushered them into, what from the outside, looked like an old Victorian house, which looked completely out of place on the outskirts of town, but when they walked in, revealed itself to be a completely renovated, open space recording studio. 

Myka looked awed as she took it all in, “This is incredible.”

“We bought it a few years ago. We wanted a place that didn’t feel so stuffy and confined. We want people to feel comfortable when they’re recording, like they’re at home, so we figured, why not actually buy a home.” She led them into a back room that was packed full of coaches and soundboards, that was currently occupied by three people, two women and one man. “Now, Jack and I won’t be here much, this is your space for the next few weeks to just do your thing. We went over the song list you guys sent us, and we’ve marked down what we think we’ll work. We can talk about track listing and all of that later, for now I just want you to focus on making the most of the time you have, turning these songs into what I know you both are capable of. Now, before I go, there are three people that I need to introduce you to, because they’re going to be people you’re going to see probably far too much of for the foreseeable future. First and foremost, this is Abigail Cho.” Rebecca ushered to a woman with long dark hair who was occupying one corner of the couch, who looked more like she was ready for a therapy session to begin than a recording session. When Rebecca introduced her, she stood up, tucked her phone into her back pocket and walked over, “Abigail is going to be your manager, for the time being at least.”

Abigail shook their hands and gave them both a warm smile, “What Rebecca is too polite to say is, they want to use the next three weeks to make sure that we don’t all drive each other insane, and then we’ll talk about something more long term.”

Rebecca laughed and shook her head, “As you can see Abigail can be a little blunt, but she’s the best, and she was the one who requested to work with you, so if you drive her insane, well that’s her problem, not ours.”

Myka turned to Sam, “Alright, Martino you’re going to have to tone down the crazy…”

“Well, we might as well leave now, I’m not sure I’m capable of that.”

Abigail laughed, “Ok, I am absolutely positive we’ll be alright here Rebecca.”

The other two people in the room, both then turned from their spaces at the soundboard, but it was the woman who spoke, “And us two over here, totally unimportant, don’t really need to be here, just the ones who will actually ya know, help you record your music.” If it wasn’t for the smile and the wink that she shot them, Myka would have been taken aback by her tone, but when Rebecca laughed, she figured it must be alright.

“Oh how could I ever forget our crack crew of producers? The label would surely combust without you, honestly. Myka, Sam, this is Kate Logan and Marcus Diamond, if Kate didn’t make it _abundantly_ clear already, they are your producers. I would tell you ignore about 90% of what they say, but memorize the other 10% and you’ll be golden.”

“I’d reverse those numbers, but you are the boss, so absolutely ignore us. We’re rather annoying anyway.” Marcus shook both of their hands then turned to Rebecca, “Alright, well are you actually going to let us get to work, or are you going to sit here and tell them more _horrendous_ things about us?”

Rebecca gave him a light slap across the shoulder, “I’m leaving. You two,” she pointed vigorously at Marcus and Kate, “ do not scare them off. I actually like these two,” she gestured her head towards Myka and Sam. 

Kate gave a mock offended gasp, “Scare anyone off, would _we_ ever do something like that Marcus?”

“You? Yes. Me? Never.”

Rebecca just shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose, “It’s a wonder we don’t go bankrupt.” She pulled Myka and Sam back towards the door, only lowering her voice slightly, “Don’t let any of that fool you or make you nervous. Kate and Marcus are the best producers we have, but they do the playful banter thing like that’s their job. You are in very good hands here, I promise.”

Sam smiled and placed an arm around Myka’s shoulders, “I think we can hold our own. What do you think Bunny?”

“I think we’re good. Thank you Rebecca, truly.”

“Hey don’t thank me until you actually get something recorded. This is just step one. Good luck today.” She seemed to hesitate at first and then reached for both of them and hugged them in turn. “Jack and I really do want good things for you two, just get in there and be who you are, the rest will take care of itself.” With a wave to the rest of the group, she turned and left leaving Sam and Myka to their fate.

Once Rebecca left, all three turned to them expectantly and Myka feared that they were expecting them to make the first move, and she had no idea what that move should be. Thankfully, Kate relieved that worry from her, “Alright kiddos, we joke around Rebecca, but I just want to get something out right here, right now.”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, fearing the worst.

“Marcus and I have listened to your demo about a hundred times, and let’s just say, we don’t work with people that we don’t believe in, that’s just not what we do, because we don’t like to waste our time. Neither of us believe that you two are a waste of time. You’ve got something here, and it’s our job to simply make you sound the best you possible can. We’re not here to change your vibe or judge, we’re here to guide, ok? So don’t worry about pleasing us, or trying to be someone you’re not. Here? You just need to be yourselves, and we’ll be just fine.”

Here Abigail piped in, “She kind of stole my thunder there, but the same goes for me. I asked Jack and Rebecca for you guys, because I’ve seen you play at the Regents, and, well, let’s just say I was impressed.”

Sam puffed out a laugh, “Geez, no pressure here or anything….”

Marcus turned to him, “There isn’t Sam. Seriously. If you just do what we’ve all heard you do, you’ll actually have fun and hopefully not be too stressed out in the process.”

Kate gestured to one of the couches, “You guys can actually sit down, we swear we won’t bite.” Both she and Marcus grabbed a few folders and wheeled their chairs over to a table near where Sam and Myka sat. “Ok, usually, we would do a lot of talking here, but we both would much rather just get you in there and hear what happens, but there are a few things.” She handed them both sheets of paper, “There’s your track list. Jack and Rebecca felt pretty good just letting you roll with your own stuff since you had so much of it already, so that makes life easier. You’re recording things you’re familiar with.”

Marcus leaned forward, “Here’s the thing you guys, people are craving what you guys have. They’re looking for stripped down, real, authentic music, so we’re not going to try and mix things up too much, or add a lot to what you have going. This is your first album, which means it should represent who you are. These first few weeks, we’re just going to have you two play what you have, and then once we listen back, we might bring in a few people, maybe a drummer, maybe another guitarist, depending on what some tracks need. Here’s the deal though, and listen up, your opinion matters. If there’s something you don’t like, or something that you feel is off, you need to speak up. Sure, we’re your producers, but don’t just defer to us because you think we know better.”

“We probably do…” Kate winked

“ _Probably,_ but it’s not going to get us anywhere if you just sit idly by and let us dictate to you, ok? This is a process, and some days you will want to kill us, and that’s ok. You tell us what you think, and we’ll do the same. Deal?”

They answered simultaneously, “Deal.”

Kate clapped her hands together, “Alright, then let’s get started.”

**

The work was relentless. Some days they were only in the studio for a few hours, touching up a few bars here and there, but other days they were there for hours upon hours, wrestling with a part that wasn’t working, fighting off hoarse vocal chords, sometimes appreciating what the hoarse vocal chords did to a song. It was exhilarating and exhausting, and were the greatest three weeks of Myka’s life up to that point. Kate and Marcus stood true to their word, they just wanted them to be who they were, and so they let them improvise, they let them change things around when something felt off, they let them ask questions and give opinions, and ultimately, they let them record something that they knew they would be proud of. Abigail, it turned out, was the perfect fit for them, which became apparent all of three days into the process when she came in about half way through their session with a chai tea for Sam and a bag of Twizzlers for Myka and simply shrugged her shoulders, “I’m good at recognizing what people need, and you guys seemed like you needed a pick me up.”

Myka quirked an eyebrow at her, “It’s like you’re psychic.”

“Perceptive is all,” Abigail smiled. “You’re my people now. I take care of my people.”

They ended up doing what Marcus said they might, as winter break drew to a close, a few more people joined them in the studio, a drummer that was a friend of Kate’s and a bassist that Myka had seen at the Regents a few times. Inwardly, Myka wished that it could have been Pete there with them, that this would have been just what he needed, that this could have helped in some way, but they were fruitless hopes, because they still hadn’t spoken. It had been months at this point. She finally had stopped e-mailing, stopped texting to check in. Pete had done everything he could to make it clear she wasn’t welcome in his life, and so she tried to deal with that new reality. Some days it worked, other days left her feeling broken and empty. It was on those days that she ended up writing some of the best songs she had ever written, and thankfully Sam was never offended that it was her distance from Pete that drew them out of her. In fact, what Myka didn’t know was that Sam had even tried to reach out to Pete. They had ended up at the gym at the same time one day, and Sam cut his workout short when he saw Pete leave. He followed him out the door, and tried to get him to hear reason, tried to tell him that Myka missed him, that Myka was worried, that he was worried. All he got for his trouble was a “screw off Sam,” and a middle finger, as Pete walked away. 

**

_University of Colorado-Colorado Springs, Winter/Spring 2002_

Myka tried not to get her hopes up, told herself that it was fruitless to do so, that the words and promises of a few people were no guarantee that any of this was going to work. More often than not the voices inside her head that told her this was foolish, that it was doomed to fail, that all of it was just a pipe dream, sounded an awful lot like her father. He hadn’t spoken more than five words to her since Christmas, and even then what he did say were just snide comments about how she was throwing her life away, and backhanded questions about how “the boy” was. She had learned to only call her mom when she knew he would be gone, and where sometimes she used to just pop into the store when she was around town or grabbing coffee, now she avoided it like the plague. The times in which her father wasn’t in the store were few and far between, and as much as she missed her mom, as much as she wanted to talk to her, she just couldn’t bring herself to endure putting up with him, even for a few scant moments. Either way, despite the voices, despite her worries, despite her fears that all of this was going to blow up in their faces, they had a release date for the album, and they were only a few weeks away from releasing “Falling Slowly” as their first single. 

She took comfort in the fact that she had school to distract her. The semester was over halfway through and she was thankfully busier than she could really handle, starting her final orchestration pieces, working on presentations, and somehow still managing to work a few hours here and there at the radio station, which Sam was miraculously still running, despite both of their schedules. Life was hectic, but life was good. Despite the daily twinge she felt at Pete’s glaring absence from her life, despite the new normal of misery with her Dad, she felt good. She felt like everything was where it needed to be, and so she tried her best to tuck her anxieties into a back corner of her mind, and just try to enjoy the ride as best she could. Some days it didn’t work, some days it down right failed miserably, but most days, well most days just felt pretty damn good.

As March turned to April, Myka received the first of what would turn out to be three different phone calls that spring which would change her life in more ways than she could have imagined. She was just returning to her dorm, after a mind-numbing, three hour lecture from possibly the dullest human being on the planet, something about how French horns were the greatest instrument to ever be created, she couldn’t remember, after the first twenty minutes his voice had turned into a static roar, when her phone rang.

“Hello?”

“I don’t care where you are, get to a radio and turn on 98.9, now!”

Her fingers scrambled with her keys, “Sam, what are you talking about?”

“Myka! Turn on a radio!”

“Ok, ok, just hold on a second,” her key finally gained purchase in the lock and she flung herself into her room, throwing her bag onto her bed, and practically falling against her alarm clock on the windowsill.

“98.9 Myka…hurry.”

“I’m trying!” Her finger rolled the dial over through static and noise until finally…the world stopped. She almost dropped her phone because she was pretty sure she couldn’t feel her fingers anymore, she was pretty sure she couldn’t feel anything anymore. “Oh…..my…..”

“I know! I know! That’s us Bunny! That is us on a friggin’ radio station!”

Myka sunk onto her bed, hand clamped over her mouth, unsure if she was going to cry or laugh. She ended doing a little bit of both, as she laid back, phone against her ear, and just listened. She could hear a faint echo of Sam’s radio in the background, and could just make out his breathing on the other end, but it all paled in comparison to her own speakers blaring out their voices, singing words she wrote. It barely registered in her mind that it was over before she even really knew what was happening, but the DJs voice jarred her mind clear.

_“That was a new one for you, coming from Colorado Springs own Myka Bering and Sam Martino. Those kids have an album dropping in a few weeks, and well, if that was any indication of what to expect, I’d say it can’t get here fast enough.”_

“Holy shit….Sam, that actually just happened.” She put a hand against her forehead, because now she was seriously contemplating passing out.

“It did and I have absolutely no words…” There was a long pause, neither of them knowing what to say, until finally Sam broke through again, “Ok, you are going to put on something incredible, and I’m going to pick you up in a half hour, we’re going out.”

“Yes. Definitely.” There was a knock at her door before she could say anything else that was remotely coherent, “Sam, I have to go someone’s here, but I’ll see you soon.”

“Ok…I love you Bunny.”

“I love you too. Bye.” She hung up and opened her door to find Mike, Pete’s old roommate, who now lived a few doors down from her standing in the doorframe with his mouth hanging open.

“Hey Mike.”

“Did I seriously just hear you on the radio or am I going insane?”

She smiled and ran a nervous hand across the back of her neck, barely able to make eye contact with him, “Definitely not going insane, that was me, well us, Sam and I.”  
Before she knew what was happening, Mike had engulfed her in a massive hug that lifted her off of the ground, “Myka! That is amazing. Oh my God, congratulations.”  
He set her back down and took a small step back, “I had no idea that you and Sam were already at this point, I mean, damn.”

“Trust me, it all happened kind of fast.”

“Well, it was good, like really, really good.”

“Thanks Mike.”

“No problem. Ok,” he clapped his hands together, “I have to return to paper writing, but damn, Myka I just had to say congratulations.” He turned to go, and then hesitated, turning back around, “Hey, how’s…how’s Pete doing?”

She grimaced and leaned against the door frame, “Honestly? I wouldn’t know. He hasn’t talked to me since October. So if that’s any indication, I guess, not doing very well.”

Mike just gave a curt nod, “Right. Sorry. I just had to ask, I still worry about him, despite all the bullshit that happened last year.”

“Join the club. Thanks for coming by Mike.”

“Anytime. See you around Myka, or hey maybe now I guess I can just hear you on the radio huh, Superstar?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh yeah, definitely.”

**

Their album coming out ended up feeling a bit like a whole city affair. Vanessa had demanded that they have a release party at the Regents, which somehow, despite Myka and Sam’s desire to keep it small, casual, just friends and family, turned into an all city blow out. The reality was that they had garnered a bit of a following playing around town as much as they did. Between the Regents and Pikes Peak, far more people knew who they were than they ever could have imagined at first, so the second that Vanessa had announced the party, the guest list was full to bursting. 

“This is a little intense,” Myka had to scream just so Sam could hear her, and he was standing right next to her.

He nodded, “Yeah…a bit.” Before he could say more his eyes widened, something had left him startled. He shot a quick look at her and then back to where he was looking, “Uh…I think things are about to get a bit more intense Bunny.”

She crinkled her forehead at him. He just pointed an index finger towards the door, and when Myka turned she was sure her face looked exactly like his had, because there were two people she did not expect to see at the Regents that night, her mother and Pete. She turned back to Sam, “Wow, um, wow, not what I was expecting.”

He kissed her forehead, “I know, but you should probably go handle that. I’ll keep the lions at bay for awhile over here, give you some space.”

“Thanks.” She watched as Sam re-entered the throng of people clamoring for their attention, and then edged through the crowd towards the door. 

Pete was hovering behind her mom, not quite sure where to turn his eyes, with an immensely uncomfortable look on his face. Myka decided it would be easier to deal with her mom first. She wrapped her in a huge hug, “Mom! I thought you weren’t coming. I mean, when we talked last week, it seemed like…”

Her mom pulled out of the hug, holding her at arms length, staring her straight in the eye, with a look of determination that Myka was pretty sure was the exact same look she got when Sam told her she looked ‘ready to take on the world,’ “It seemed like I was letting your father dictate a few too many things. I’m sorry, Myka. There is nowhere else I would rather be, and if your father chooses not to be here that is his fault.”

Tears sprang immediately to Myka’s eyes and she launched another hug at her mom. “Thank you, just thank you for being here,” she whispered into her ear.

“You’re welcome, my Myka,” and with an extra squeeze Myka was released from her mother’s grasp. “Now! I am going to go find that Samuel of yours and say congratulations, because,” she looked back towards Pete, “well, I think I had best leave this to you. I found him loitering outside and sort of dragged him in, I don’t think he’s very happy with me.” She gave Myka’s hand a quick squeeze as she dove deeper into the café looking for Sam.

Myka folded her arms across her chest, she didn’t want to be defensive, but there was part of her that felt like Pete had a hell of a nerve to show up here, on a night like tonight, after he had treated her like he had, “Loitering outside, huh?”

Pete toed the floor with his shoe, still unable to look her in the eye, “I didn’t know if I should come in. I mean I probably shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t be here…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Then why did you come Pete? Why after you haven’t talked to me in, what? Almost six months?”

Pete finally met her gaze, “I just, I just wanted to say congratulations. This…this is everything you deserve, Mykes. I needed to say that in person.”

Myka wilted a little under the pitiful look in Pete’s eyes, “Thank you.” She looked around, “It’s all a bit overwhelming honestly.”

Pete laughed softly, “I can imagine, but hey, you’re Myka, you can handle anything.”

“Right…you always had a bit more confidence in me than I had in myself.”

“What are best friend’s for right?”

“Is that really what you’d call us right now?” 

Pete shook his head, looking completely despairing, “I don’t know Mykes. Look, I didn’t come here to ruin your night or distract from your party. I just wanted to say congrats. I should probably go…”

“You don’t have to Pete. You can stay. I want you to stay.”

“I appreciate the gesture Mykes, really, but I’m just not up for it. I don’t feel right being here after…well, after everything. I’ll see you around, ok?”

He turned to go, but Myka tugged at his arm, and pulled him into a hug tighter than the one she gave her mom. She sucked in what she was sure sounded like a sob, “Take care of yourself, ok?”

Pete tightened his grip around her, “I will. You know me, nothin’s gonna bring down the Petester.”

She laughed against his shoulder, then released him, but kept a hold on his hand, “Thank you for coming Pete.”

“No problem, Mykes.” He squeezed her hand, and then walked out the door.

Sam was by her side almost instantaneously, “You ok?”

She took a deep breath, wiped her cheeks dry, and put on as big a smile as she could manage, “Yes. I’m good. Let’s enjoy our party.”

Sam still looked concerned, “Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’m glad he was here. It’s a step in the right direction, and that too is worth celebrating.”

Before Sam could respond, Vanessa was tapping a beat against the microphone, “What do you think folks, do you think we should see if those two crazy kids back there might be willing to actually play us a little bit of music tonight? That’s what we’re here for isn’t it?” 

All eyes turned to them as applause and cheers broke out around the café. Sam grabbed her hand, “Duty calls I think.”

“Lead the way Martino.”

It was a week after the party that the second phone call arrived. Myka was sprawled out on Sam’s couch, reveling in a few spare moments to actually read something that wasn’t school or work related. Sam had just gotten back from a run and was taking a shower. She was so engrossed in what she was reading, with the shower providing enough white noise that she almost didn’t hear her phone when it vibrated. By the time the sound registered, she had to scramble for it and still almost missed the call, not even being able to see who was calling, “Hello?”

“Hi Myka, it’s Rebecca.”

“Hey Rebecca, what’s up?”

“Are you with Sam by any chance?”

“Umm..sort of, he’s in the shower.”

“Ah, well, when you’re both available could you give me a call at the office?”

“Sure. Wait, hold on a sec,” she listened to the distinct sound of the water shutting off. She held the phone away from her ear and covered the mouthpiece, “Sam?”

His voice came out muffled through the door, “Yeah?”

She got up and leaned against the door, “Rebecca’s on the phone. She wants to talk to both of us.”

“Ok. One second.” He emerged still half-soaked, wrapped in a towel, lifting eyebrows questioningly at the phone.

Myka shrugged her shoulders at his unspoken question, then turned the speakerphone on, “Ok, sorry Rebecca, we’re both here.”

“Wonderful. Hello Sam.”

“Hey there.”

“Well, I’ll just cut right to the chase you two. We just got the latest charts into the office, and your album just cracked the top five on Billboard’s 200, _and_ ‘Falling Slowly’ just hit number one.” Rebecca was powerless to hide her apparent glee at being able to deliver the news, “Jack is going to be so mad I called you first, but I couldn’t wait.”

“Oh my God!” Their voices came out in complete unison.

Sam threw his soaking wet arms around Myka, though neither of them were quite capable of forming words.

“Hey you two still there?”

They both laughed, and Myka finally found her voice, “We’re here. Sorry I think we’re both a little stunned.”

“Understandable, but you two put out one hell of an album, so I can’t say I’m surprised. Listen, with this in mind, things might start to move a little bit faster than we initially planned. Can you both come in for a meeting sometime tomorrow?”

Sam answered, “Sure, I think we’re both free.” Myka nodded next to him.

“Wonderful. Ten o’clock?”

“That works for us.”

Myka hesitated a second before speaking, “Rebecca? What exactly do you mean by faster?”

“Nothing major necessarily, but I think we’re going to have to change tour plans a bit for the summer. I’m not going to put a number one selling artist out as an opening act. We’ll discuss some co-headlining options tomorrow, sound good?”

Myka gave a slight breath of relief, “Yeah, definitely. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, and Myka? Sam? Congratulations. I cannot tell you how happy we all are for you both.” She clicked off before either of them could respond.

**

The third phone call ended up being the most important one, though what was waiting for Myka on the other of the line was nowhere near the kind of news she had ever wanted to hear.

It was her last night on campus. She had taken her final exam the previous afternoon, but she had given herself an extra day to pack up before leaving. It was late, Sam was working the midnight shift at the radio station one last time before summer, her roommate was gone already, and so Myka found herself alone, packing boxes. Finally, around one a.m. she called it quits, throwing one last pile of books in a box and taping it shut. She collapsed onto her bed, barely able to keep her eyes open. She had no idea what time it was when her phone woke her up. It was pitch dark in her room, and she fumbled in her half-awake state to hit the right key to answer.

“Hello?” 

She was halfway towards easing back into her pillows when the voice on the other end caused her to sit bolt upright, completely awake, “Mykes?”

“Pete?! What’s wrong?” He was crying, there was no question about that, and he sounded terrified.

“I…I need you to come get me.” His voice was coming out in fits and starts as he tried to suck in breath.

“Where are you?” She was already up and out of bed, throwing on her wrinkled clothes from earlier, and grabbing her car keys.

“St. Francis Hospital.”

Myka almost ran into her door she stopped so abruptly, “You’re where?! What happened? Are you ok?”

“I’m ok. I’ll tell you everything when you get here. Just come to the emergency room, ok?”

“Ok. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Myka knew she was driving way too fast and that she was far too distracted to justifiably be behind the wheel, but she didn’t care, whatever she had to do to get to Pete as fast she could she would do. She made it to the hospital in a ridiculously short amount of time, careened her car into a parking spot, and practically sprinted through the emergency room doors. No one had to direct her to Pete, because he was the first thing she saw when she burst in. He was sitting at the end of a bed, where a nurse was checking his blood pressure, but other than the fact that he was, indeed, in the hospital, he looked perfectly fine, normal, healthy, that is if you could ignore the tears streaming down his face. She tried her best to not just shove people out of the way as she fought towards where he sat. He finally looked up when she was halfway to him, and, though it didn’t seem possible, he started crying harder. When she made it to the bed, he stood up and threw his arms around her, squeezing her so hard that she lost her breath. She clutched to him in desperation, feeling his heaving gasps beat against her hold. She reached up and stroked the back of his head, whispering, “Oh Pete, what happened?”

He pulled out of her arms, head hung low, hands clinched against the bed as he sat back down. She bumped against his hip with her own, encouraging him to give her space next to him, and she took the hand that was closest to her, “Pete talk to me.”

He took a deep breath, “A few of us went out. End of the year, ya know? And I swear, Mykes, I only had two beers, that’s it. I knew I had to drive, and the rest of the guys were just blasted, we left the bar, and I told Walter I would drive us back to campus. I felt fine, but then I don’t know what happened, we…we hit a tree. Walter…he just sort of flew out of the car, I hadn’t made him wear his seat belt, and he’s…he’s in surgery. His leg is completely fucked up Mykes. I don’t think he’s ever going to wrestle again, let alone actually walk right, and I’m…I’m fine. I don’t have a damn scratch on me. Hell, the doctors said I could leave if I want.” He started crying again and buried his head in his hands, extracting the one Myka had been gripping so hard.

Myka didn’t know what to say. Part of her was so relieved that Pete was ok, that she was finding it hard to care about anything else, but then she started thinking about the repercussions, Pete’s car, if the cops were involved because not only had Pete been drinking, but he was underage, she even was willing to allow a few passing thoughts of concern about Walter. “Did the doctors really say you could leave? There’s nothing else you need to take care of?”

Pete shook his head, when he spoke it was with such an air of resignation, Myka didn’t really know how to process it, “No…there isn’t. The..the cop who showed up was an old friend of my Dad’s, I passed a breathalyzer somehow, and then he just brought us here. God, he shouldn’t have done that, not for me, not because of my Dad, I don’t deserve it. I should be in jail Myka.”

Myka gave an inward sigh of relief, yes, he should be, but he wasn’t. Jesus, she thought, if not being in jail was their bar for success tonight, they had sunk really, really low. She placed a hand against Pete’s shoulder, “But you’re not Pete. You’re not and that’s giving you a chance to make this right, or as right as it can be. Let me drive you home. You shouldn’t stay here Pete, not like this, let me drive you back to campus, and then we will figure everything out in the morning.”

“But Walter…”

“I will drive you back up here first thing tomorrow morning to check on him, I promise.” She went over to the nurses’ station to make sure that Pete was in fact clear to leave, and then she led him out to her car. 

They drove in near silence. Myka didn’t know what to say. What do you say to your best friend, who you have barely spoken to in months, after he’s nearly killed himself and someone you cannot stand? What do you say to your best friend who is an alcoholic, but has absolutely refused your help the whole time? Thankfully, Pete didn’t make her start the conversation. They were halfway back to campus when his voice cracked through the car, small, tired, devastated, “I need help, Mykes…I’ve been an idiot. I don’t want to keep going like this. I could have died tonight. I could have killed Walter. God, I don’t know what’s happened to me…”

Myka took his hand, “You got lost Pete. Lost and a little crazy, but that doesn’t have to be the end of the story, you can fight this, and I will do whatever you need me to do, Pete. I’m here, for as much or as little as you need from me.”

“I don’t know why. I have been awful to you Mykes. You didn’t deserve any of that, any of _this._ I am so sorry I was such an asshole, that I _am_ such an asshole. God, I’ve fucked up so much.”

“Then you start to make it right, one thing at a time, but you can’t do that until you deal with you Pete. You need to get yourself straightened out, and then deal with everything else. As for me, I’m not going anywhere. Have things been bad? Yeah. Was I really, really pissed at you? Yes. Am I still? Maybe a little, but unfortunately for you, Lattimer, you’re kind of stuck with me.”

That drew a small laugh from him, “That’s just because you’re stubborn.”

She gave him a slight smirk, “This is true.” She squeezed his hand tight and insistent, “Seriously though, we’re ok, or at least we will be. I’m sure there are going to be things that we’ll need to talk through, but for now, for tonight, we’re good, ok?”

“Ok. Thanks Mykes.”

“Anytime.” She didn’t want to ask the next question, but knew she needed to, otherwise she would have another Lattimer to deal with, and that was something she didn’t want, “Pete? Have you called your mom?” She saw him flinch out of the corner of her eye, “Pete, call your mother. I swear to God, that woman will murder me if she finds out that I didn’t call her immediately.”

“It’s late. I don’t want to freak her out in the middle of the night.”

“Pete, I will make you walk back to campus if you do not call her right this second.”

“So much for being with me all the way, huh?” 

She knew he was teasing, but she was dead serious, “I am way more afraid of your mother than you. Call her.”

Begrudgingly, he did. Myka could hear her half screaming, half crying through the phone, and heard her unequivocally declare that Myka was to drive straight to her house, and not even entertain driving back to campus. When they got there, every light in the house was on, and there was Jane Lattimer formidably pacing the porch. The second that Pete emerged from the car, he was engulfed by her, for all of five seconds, before being told to get in the house immediately. 

Jane then came around to Myka’s side of the car, where she hadn’t moved, uncertain as to whether she should get out, or drive back to campus, and leave this as a family thing to be dealt with. Jane leaned down to Myka’s window, “Myka, get out of the car.”

Myka couldn’t tell if she was also going to be getting a lecture tonight, but she did as Jane asked. She shut the car door, and Jane collapsed into her arms, tears streaming down her face, “Thank you for getting him Myka.”

Myka held the shaking woman, “You’re welcome. He’s ok, at least he’s ok. He said he wants help.”

Jane held her tighter, “Finally…”

“I know,” and then Myka couldn’t hold her own tears in any longer. She had been trying to be so strong through the whole night, knowing that Pete needed her, and that it wouldn’t do him any good if she fell apart, but now, standing in his childhood driveway, with thoughts of how badly this night could have gone running through her head, she lost it, and wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to stop. 

Jane ran a hand behind Myka’s head, “Oh Myka, thank God for you. You have been so strong, even when you didn’t need to be.” Jane continued to hold her, until the tears finally slowed, and her breathing returned to a semblance of normalcy. Jane released her from her arms, and ran thumbs over her cheeks, wiping away her tears, “Come inside. You can stay in Jeannie’s room for the night, you don’t need to drive back to campus tonight.”

She just nodded, and let Jane lead her into the house. Pete was sitting on the couch, but he stood when they came inside. Myka knew she needed to give him some space with his mom, so she simply went up to him, and gave him one more hug, kissing him on the cheek, and whispering, “I love you, you idiot.”

She felt him chuckle, “I love you too Mykes. Thank you…”

She squeezed him tightly once more, then headed upstairs and thankfully, slept. 

The next morning, around the dining room table, the three of them planned, well mostly Pete planned, and Myka and Jane listened. For today, he needed to do a few things. He needed to go check on Walter, and then he needed to go clean out his room at the house. He needed to take care of everything that he had lost track of over the last few months, and then, whatever he didn’t get done would have to wait, because the next day, he declared, he was going to rehab. 

“I need help, and I’m not going to wait, I’m not going to make a ton of excuses. Last night can never happen again, and I’m not going to throw my life away. I promised myself when Dad died that I would make something of myself, and I have failed at that completely. It stops now.”

Myka and Jane just held his hands and nodded their agreement and support of his plan. Myka drove him to the hospital, though she refused to go in, then she drove him back to campus and helped him pack. She helped him get as much of his life organized as he could in 24 hours, and then the next morning, she sat in the back seat of Jane’s car, as they drove him to the outskirts of the city, to a rehab facility where he would stay for the rest of the summer. He hugged her first, she wasn’t going to go in, but let that be a space for him and his mom. 

“I cannot tell you how much you mean to me Mykes. Without you…”

She sucked in a shaky breath, “Just take care of yourself ok?”

“I will. I promise. You know me,” he let her go and flexed his muscles, flashing his cocky smile. “Nothin’ holds me down.”

She laughed, “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

She hugged him one last time, and then let him go. Before he got to the doors though, he turned back towards her, “Mykes?”

“Yeah?”

“Go kick ass out there this summer ok?” She gave him a confused look, and he walked back towards her, “Hey just because I have been the world’s worst best friend, doesn’t mean I haven’t kept track of what’s been going on. The tour. Go do this Mykes, do what I know you’re amazing at, ok?”

The tour. She had completely forgotten in the chaos of the last 48 hours. She and Sam left on tour in four days. 

Before she could respond, Pete kissed her forehead, “Love you Mykes.”

She smiled a watery smile at him, “Love you too, Lattimer,” and with one last punch to his arm, he turned away from her, and Myka was left to simply hope that the next time she saw him, things would be ok.

**

Rebecca hadn’t been kidding about things moving faster than initially planned. What had started out as a small tour, where Myka and Sam simply served as opening acts, doing a thirty minute set at most, turned into a two and a half month, cross country tour, spanning 45 dates and 40 different cities. When Myka had first seen the schedule, she didn’t think it was remotely possible that they were ready, let alone _desired_ enough to warrant such a huge tour, but after their first show, all those doubts disappeared. Somehow, inexplicably to both of them, they had fans, and not just run of the mill, oh I heard your song on the radio fans, but the kind that knew every word of every song from their album, and who were screaming their heads off the second they were on stage. It was overwhelming and utterly intoxicating. The rush of that many people singing words that you had written was unlike anything Myka had ever experienced. The summer passed in a haze of blistered fingers, hoarse voices, sweat, sunburn, and love. Myka wasn’t sure she had ever seen Sam as content as he was that summer. He seemed to be made for the stage, for audiences, for women screaming uncontrollably at him, and he soaked it all in, but somehow managed to save his best, most winning, most loving smiles all for Myka. Eventually, Myka would look back and realize that that summer, that tour, those early, initial moments when fame was new and exciting, was their happiest time together. Eventually, she would realize that she should have appreciated those two and a half months of bliss more, should have soaked in each and every smile Sam threw her way, every kiss on the cheek he would give her before the start of each set, every whisper and echo of his voice as he introduced her to thousands of people as “his one and only girl, Myka Bering.” Eventually, Myka would realize a lot of things, but that summer, that summer was not the time for realizations, it was a time for ignorance, for joy, for simplicity, for just the two of them, for how they were when things were simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you scope out YouTube you can find a fantastic video of the Broadway cast recording "Falling Slowly" in the studio for the album. I picture Myka having a very Cristin Milioti feel when sings/plays. I also tend to picture some combination of She&Him and Scarlett & Gunner from Nashville when it comes to Sam and Myka, but that's just me, and hey whatever you picture them as works for me!


	6. If I Didn't Know Better/Poison & Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Myka and Sam's career rises, falls, and does a lot of other things in between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few disclaimers here: I will apologize for a very distinct lack of any Helena here. This chapter is all flashback, but it was what I needed to do in order to get to where the next chapter needed to go, and I hope that makes the next chapter worth it. I also really hope this helps flesh out a bit why present-day Myka is, well, present-day Myka. This is probably the last of the flashbacks--at least any of a large magnitude, so I hope it wraps up that part of the story well. 
> 
> Also, I will flag here that there is a character death involved.
> 
> All music in this chapter is "The Civil Wars," who I've mentioned to a few of you are a really big inspiration for Myka and Sam. If you haven't heard them, I would highly recommend!! "Poison and Wine" has so many Bering & Wells feels it's almost painful!

_St. Secord Records--Spring 2003_

“Sam, I cannot keep having this exact same conversation!” Myka tried to keep her voice down to some kind of whispering shout, but she knew that if people tried, they would be able to hear them. 

Sam moved towards the door, peaked into the hall of the studio, and then closed it, shutting them off from the world and leaving them alone in the writing room, where up until five minutes ago, they had been working on material for their second album, until Sam had mentioned graduation, _again,_ and then the writing had stopped.

With the door shut firmly, Sam’s voice rose a little higher, “What am I supposed to do Myka? Just sit around and wait while you finish school, and watch as our career goes down the drain?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Jesus, the dramatics you come up with. Our career is _not_ going to go down the drain. How many times do we have to talk about this Sam?”

He sunk into a chair in the corner, “Clearly at least once more.”

“We have a plan Sam. We spend all this summer recording, we release it late fall, early winter, and then go on tour next summer. Why is that so hard for you to accept?”

“Because I don’t get it Myka.”

“You don’t get that I actually _want_ my degree? That I’m not willing to let the past three years of working my ass off go to waste? That I’m not willing to just throw everything I’ve worked for away, because we’ve put out one album that did well?”

Sam’s eyes widened in frustration, “Well?! It did _well_?! Come on Myka, be serious.”

“I am being serious Sam! You are the one who isn’t, just because you’ve decided that graduating isn’t at the top of your priority list, clearly since you’re barely going to class anymore, doesn’t mean that I have to change my plans to fit yours.”

“I’m not saying that Myka.” He hung his head in his hands.

“Then what are you saying?” 

“I’m saying that I wish it didn’t feel like you were doubting us every step of the way. Like you need some back up plan because this is clearly going to fall apart.”

Myka sunk onto the piano bench, “I don’t think it’s going to fall apart, but I’m sorry if I’m not just willing to bank my whole future on this, Sam. I’m sorry if I might, someday, possibly want to do more, and that that requires me staying in school. I’m sorry that you disagree with that so damn much.”

Just as Sam was opening his mouth to respond, there was a tap at the door, and Abigail poked her head into the room, “Umm…hey, everything alright in here guys?”

Sam stood up and grabbed his coat, “Yeah, things are great. Just ya know creative differences, or whatever. I think I need some air.”

Both Abigail and Myka watched Sam’s retreating back as he walked out of the studio, before Abigail once again closed the door, and turned a sympathetic look towards Myka, “Do I even need to ask?”

Myka slouched back against the piano, her back ringing out an awkward, discordant blare of notes, “Probably not. Same as always, he doesn’t get why I won’t leave school once he graduates.”

Abigail cringed, “God, he really won’t let that go will he?”

“Nope.”

Abigail came over and sat next to Myka, “Listen to me Myka, there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Honestly? You are being one hundred percent more responsible than most of the people I’ve worked with before. You need to graduate, and Sam has to accept that. The plans you guys have mapped out, they’ll work. I know Sam just wants to get this album out and get back on the road, but trust me, slower is better in this case. Listen to your manager, this is kind of what I do for a living.”

Myka chuckled softly, “Believe me, I know that, I just wish he could see that.”

“I do too…it would make my job much, much easier.” Abigail shot Myka a teasing grin, which was enough to finally make Myka smile.

Myka leaned in and bumped Abigail’s shoulder, “Yeah, but how much fun would it really be, if we made it easy for you?”

“Well, it at least might save me from these interminable assistant interviews. God, I swear some of the things people put on their resumes. I’m sorry, I’m not impressed that you were a pole vault champion in middle school.”

That earned an honest laugh from Myka, “Please tell me someone didn’t really put that down.”

“Oh I will show you it myself.” Abigail glanced at her watch, “Hey, it’s almost six, isn’t tonight Pete night?”

Myka looked at her own watch, “Crap, I totally lost track of time! It is, yes, thank you for reminding me. I will never hear the end of it if I’m late.” Myka gathered up her things that were strewn across the room, then turned to Abigail, “Thank you. Seriously. For dealing with our crazy. I do wish we made it at least a little bit easier for you.”

Abigail stood and gave Myka a tight, quick hug, “I would not want you two any other way. Seriously though Myka, Sam will come around, and believe me when I say that I support you, completely.”

“I know he will, and I know you do.” Myka returned the hug gratefully, then pulled back rolling her eyes, “Jesus, we should be paying you double, you’re practically our therapist.”

“All part of the job. Now get out of here. Have a good weekend. Try to relax a little bit, _please._ ”

**

Myka walked into Pikes Peak with only two minutes to spare, though Pete was already there, at their usual table, drinks at the ready. Myka gave a quick wave to Wolly and sat down next to Pete, who pushed her coffee towards her, doctored just the way she liked it.

She gratefully took the cup, then eyed Pete over the rim, “You’re here early.”

Pete shrugged his shoulders, “Meeting ran a little short tonight, not many people felt like talking I guess.” He glanced at his watch, “I was a little worried you were going to stand me up, runnin’ it a little close tonight huh Mykes?”

She grimaced, “I’m sorry. Things got…complicated at the studio.”

The look on her face must have given away more than she intended because Pete grabbed her hand, “Hey, hey, hey, Mykes, I’m just teasing you, it’s ok. Anything you want to talk about?”

She shook her head, trying to clear away the haze and the worries and, if she was honest, all thoughts of Sam for the moment, “No. No, I’m good, at least for now. It’s my night with you, so tell me, how was the meeting?”

“Don’t think for a second that I’m going to let you totally get away with that all night. We’ll get back to you. However, I will answer your questions before. Tonight was good. Really good actually. I needed it.” Pete’s eyes glazed slightly, and he stared down into his mug, “I ran into Walter on campus today…”

Myka’s eyebrows rose; it had become fairly common knowledge that Walter didn’t return to school this year, partly because of his need for intensive therapy on his leg, and partly because without his wrestling scholarship, he wasn’t able to manage it. Pete had tried to get in contact with him a couple of times, all towards the aim of making amends, following his steps, using the process to its utmost, but each time Walter had ignored him, rudely and harshly. “What was he doing on campus?”

“I guess he’s trying to transfer to a new school or something, he needed paperwork from academic advising. He’s was at the counter when I went up there to make sure my eligibility paperwork for next year was in.”

“Did he talk to you?”

“Not really, but he did let me apologize. It was quicker, shorter than I would have liked, but at least I’ve done it. At least I’ve looked him in the eye and said I’m sorry for what happened.”

“That’s all you can do, Pete.”

“One step at a time, I know. Either way, I just was really glad to go to a meeting tonight, the guilt was just so intense, and it was good to get that out there to people who get it.”

“You are doing so well…I wish…I wish there was some way I could tell you how proud I am of you.” Pete gave her a sheepish grin, which she returned, “I know, I know, I sound like your mother.”

“Only in the best way, Mykes. I can’t believe it really, but it’s only a few weeks and I’m at a year, a _year_ Myka. God, this seemed so impossible then.”

“Yet here you are. You should figure out how you want to celebrate that by the way.”

“Oh c’mon, we don’t have to do anything.”

“Yes we do, Pete. Figure something out, or I will plan it myself and we both know you don’t want that.”

“That is very, very true. Alright, I’ll give it some thought, but I don’t want anything major, I still have a lot of work to do.” Pete gave a small sigh, then looked towards Myka, whose lips were still slightly turned down in a look of worry, Pete nudged her hand, “Ok, enough of me for the moment, back to you, what’s up? Because the face you’ve got goin’ right now? Puppy dog like.”

Myka snorted slightly, “And here I was trying to play it cool.”

“Not possible, at least not with me.”

“Right,” she sighed. “I don’t know, it just feels like the exact same thing it always is with us these days. Things were going fine, we were writing, we were happy, and then out of nowhere here comes Sam with his, ‘are you really sure about graduation,’ bullshit, and well…”

“Kaboom,” Pete shook his hands in demonstration of a bomb exploding.

“Exactly. I mean I just don’t get it, I don’t understand why he thinks that constantly bringing it up is going to change anything, or why he is so hell-bent on changing my mind.”

“Sam has always been kind of intense about all of this, I think sometimes it gets away from him.” Pete tried to sound optimistic, hopeful, but he didn’t quite manage it fully.

“And that’s ok, I mean I’m serious about this too, but I had hoped that by now he would respect this _one thing_ I need and let it go.” Myka ran a distracted hand through her curls, “I don’t know Pete, I just feel like lately, lately we aren’t really _us_ , like we’re drifting.”

“I think it’s tough because you’re kind of in different places right now. Sam’s graduating in what? A month? And you still have another year, while you also have this career going crazy. Trust me, once things calm down a little bit, you’ll be back on the same page.”

“I know, but I feel like that’s not going to happen until I graduate, and I cannot handle another year of this.” She paused, hesitant to say what was in her mind, yet knowing that if there was anyone she could say it to, it was Pete, “Sometimes, sometimes I think this all might be too much.”

Pete’s eyes widened, “Like you and Sam or like you and music?”

“The music. I love Sam, and I love that he loves what we’re doing. Hell, I love what we’re doing too, but it just…I don’t know, ever since all of this starting happening, it’s gone so fast and I don’t really feel like we ever fully adjusted, and sometimes I can’t help thinking, is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?”

Pete put his hands up, “Whoa, whoa, slow down. Mykes, no one is talking about forever here. You can’t jump that far ahead. Aren’t you the one who always says that this could disappear any day?”

“I am, but now I worry that if this all goes away, Sam does too.”

“C’mon Mykes, you guys are more than just this. You’re Myka and Sam!”

“I know, but we’ve always been Myka and Sam, with music hovering in the background. I don’t know, Pete.”

Before Pete could answer, another voice entered their conversation, making them both jump, “You know the other half of this equation _might_ have something to say about that.”

Myka turned around so fast she felt a muscle in her neck pull, “Sam! What…what are you doing here?”

Sam looked wholly ashamed, embarrassed even, “Look, I know, I shouldn’t be. Friday nights are for you guys and I would never want to intrude on that, but, I knew you’d be here, and Bunny, I felt awful about how things ended today, and I couldn’t just sit around my apartment, wondering if you would actually show up at some point.” He turned his look to Pete, “Pete man, I am so sorry. I know how important these nights are, can, can I just borrow her for a second?”

Pete stood immediately, “Sam, you can borrow her for the rest of the night.”

“No, really, just a few seconds, I don’t want to interrupt.”

Pete clapped a hand to Sam’s shoulder, “Listen, you might be doing me a favor really.” He shot a glance towards the counter, “Do you see that blonde sitting at the counter? I’ve talked to that girl every time I’ve seen her in here, but never for more than five minutes, maybe tonight, I try to make it six.”

Sam laughed sheepishly, while Myka just muttered an “Oh God” under her breath. 

“Hey, hey, hey, I might be recovering, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my Pete action on.”

“Oh my God, please stop,” Myka stood and practically pushed him towards the woman, “Go, go, use your action some place else.”

“You got it Mykes.” He swooped back in and placed a small peck on her cheek, whispering, “You need anything, I’m here.”

“Thanks. Now go.”

Pete practically sauntered over to his mysterious blonde, as Sam slunk into his now abandoned seat. Myka sat back down and took up a steady stare into her mug.

“Bunny…” Sam shook his head, “God, I don’t even really know what to say. I mean how many times can I apologize for the same thing before I just sound like an asshole?”

Myka gave him a small smirk, “Why don’t you try at least once more.”

Sam didn’t even give a faint grin, “I am sorry Myka. I don’t know what happens to me, but when we get into such a good groove, like we did earlier, I get overwhelmed thinking that we aren’t doing enough, or that we’re moving too slow. I think…I think sometimes I get so freaked out that this is all going to disappear that I want to overcompensate, like I can control it so much that nothing will go wrong.”

“I get that, I completely get that, because believe it or not, I don’t want this going away either, but Sam, you have to realize that me quitting school would be more likely to _make_ this fall apart than not, because if that’s how this went, I would be miserable, and that wouldn’t exactly make anything move faster or be better.”

“I know, I know that. I just get so caught up in my head sometimes that I can’t stop the idiotic things that come out of my mouth.”

“You know what helps that? Writing. Half of the things I write are the results of contained idiotic comments.”

That, thankfully, got Sam to chuckle, “So that’s where all those lyrics come from…” He paused, then met Myka’s gaze, which up until now he had been avoiding, “Myka…do you really worry that we’re just us because of all of this?”

Myka flushed, embarrassed at how much Sam had gleaned from what little of her conversation with Pete he had heard, “Sometimes. On days like today I do. It’s just hard. Most of the time I don’t worry about it at all, but then other times, I think about everything that’s happened, and how fast, and I realize that we’ve barely had anytime to be a normal couple in like a year and a half, and then I start to wonder, would we even still be together if it wasn’t for all of that?”

Sam reached across the table and tugged on Myka’s fingers where they were gripped around her mug, entangling them with his own, “I would like to think so. I love you Myka. For me it’s as simple and as complicated as that. I love you.”

Myka squeezed his hand, “I love you too. I’m sorry, sometimes things just…”

“I know, and today was one of those days, which is totally my fault. I’m sorry Bunny.”

“We’ll get through it. We always do.”

Sam gave a half-smile, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here, go see a movie, go do _normal_ couple things.”

“That sounds perfect.” Myka stole a glance at Pete, who had well-exceeded his six minute conversation goal with his mystery girl. They were still talking animatedly at the counter. He looked happy, Myka thought, something he hadn’t been in a long time, and that realization made a lightness fill Myka’s chest that she couldn’t quite label. Sam pulled her chair out as she got up, and tucked his hand into hers. They waved good-bye to Pete and to Wolly, and walked out into the warm Colorado Springs night, maybe not fixed, maybe not wholly alright, but better, and that, Myka figured, was the most they could ask for at the moment.

**

If Myka had hoped that things might slow down, that life on the horizon might be a bit simpler once she got closer to graduation, she could not have been more wrong. Sam did calm down, they got somewhat back to normal, and they stuck to the plan. They spent an entire summer writing and recording, perfecting what they could, simply tinkering with what they couldn’t, and when their second album came out in October, neither of them were prepared for what followed, because what followed was complete and total chaos.

“Number one? Like number one, number one?” Myka didn’t care that she sounded like an idiot, she could not wrap her mind around what Abigail was telling them.

“Yes like number one on the Billboard charts, like you have the most popular album in the country at this exact moment.” 

“Holy shit…” Sam looked shocked, like the floor might drop out from underneath him.

“This changes things a little bit you guys. This means a bigger tour this summer, like much bigger. This means publicity, which up until now you’ve barely had a taste of. This means your lives are going to get a bit chaotic.” Abigail shot a wary look at Myka, concerned at how she would handle that news.

Thankfully, Myka looked calm, determined, certain, “We can handle that. We can definitely handle that, but for now, one would say we should probably go celebrate, because wow.”

Abigail gave as subtle a sigh of relief as she could, “Yes! Definitely celebrating, go make whatever calls you need to make, invite whomever you want, and then let’s get out of here and hit the town. You guys deserve it.”

And celebrate they did, but soon the celebrating ended, and life got real. Abigail hadn’t been kidding. What was supposed to be a month and a half long tour, doubled. Where before they occasionally showed up at a few local radio stations, now they had at least two interviews a week at radio stations, magazines, basically anyone who could get a hold of Abigail’s phone number to set something up. People wanted to know everything about them. It was slightly unnerving and slightly intoxicating. They had to stop doing shows at the Regents, much to both theirs and Vanessa’s disappointment, but after the last show resulted in a line of very cranky people outside the door with no chance of getting in, they decided it was best for everyone if they stopped. Overall, they both tried to deal with it all as best they could. Sam started running more, giving himself time to get out of his head a little bit and focus on something else. Myka buried herself in her last semester of school work, and spent a bit more time than usual at her parents’ store, at least when she knew her dad wasn’t going to be there. Being around her mom always brought her back to baseline, made the world slow down a little bit, made her see things that were typically blurry a bit more clearly. Her mom brought her clarity, and that was something she needed more and more as the weeks went by, and summer crept ever nearer.

**

_Spring 2004_

“And how is my Myka today?” Jeannie wrapped her in a tight hug the moment Myka walked behind the counter. It was a rare day for Myka. It was the middle of the week and she had absolutely nowhere to be, she didn’t have class, she didn’t have appointments, she was, blissfully, free.

She pushed herself up onto the counter, despite the slightly annoyed look from her mom, “Today, I’m good. It’s been a bit of a slow week, so I feel like I’ve actually had a chance to breathe.”

Jeannie nodded, “Breathing is good.”

Myka just shook her head and laughed, “Thanks for that Mom. I wasn’t aware of that.”

Jeannie swatted at her thigh with a book, “Hush. So, how’s Sam?”

“He’s good. Finally seems to be settling into things a bit. For awhile he was running around like the world was on fire, constantly checking schedules and plans, it was unbelievably distracting and stressful, but he’s calmed a bit. Now I think he’s mostly just counting the days until we head out.”

“Ah the grand tour. That boy loves to be on the road doesn’t he?”

Myka chuckled, “That he does…”

Jeannie tucked her glasses on top of her head and eyed Myka carefully, “And what about you, my Myka? How do you feel about being on the road for three months?”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, “Honestly? I’m not sure. I mean, I’m excited, because it’s huge and we’ll be playing for thousands of people who actually like our music, but at the same time, it feels like a lot.”

“It _is_ a lot.”

“I just hope I can handle it. Sam, Sam excels at this stuff. He’s totally in his element when we’re out there, but I always feel like I have to work up to it. I mean once we start, it feels fantastic and I’m so happy, but the lead-up, it’s more terrifying than anything else.”

“Well, if you ask me, which I realize you’re not, but I’m your mother, therefore you’re going to hear it regardless, I think you can do this. I think that when I watch you sing on stage with Sam, I’ve never seen you look so happy. I think that the words that you have come up with, that you _keep_ coming up with, speak to people, and that deserves to be seen and shared. I think that if thousands of people get to hear my daughter sing this summer, then they are the luckiest people in the world.” Myka turned away, trying to hastily brush away the tears rimming her eyes, but her mother’s fingers under her chin forced her to turn back and meet her mother’s gaze, “You are the strongest person I know Myka. You are talented and smarter than anyone has a right to be, and if this is what you want to do, then I have no doubt in my mind that you’re going to go out there and do it the best you possibly can.”

Myka slid off the counter and wrapped her mother in a hug that she hoped said more than she could properly express, “Thank you Mom. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.”

“I think it’s quite possible I did.”

Myka rolled her eyes and muttered, “Mothers…”

Jeannie squeezed her tight, “Yes, _mothers._ Now…are you willing to help your dear mother with this massive shipment we just got in or are you too big of a star for that kind of thing now?”

“Oh for the love of God don’t even go there, just hand over a box.”

**

The day of graduation, Myka wasn’t sure if she or Sam was more excited. She tried desperately to not let his exuberance strike a nerve, because while she knew he was on one hand simply happy for her, she also knew that in the back of his mind there was that twinge of “finally, this is over.” She admitted to herself that she had a bit of that too, because today hopefully meant that all the arguments, all the tension, all the back and forth between them over this one thing was done. Yet, at the same time, Myka was sad. College had been safe, sure; Myka knew her place here, she knew what she was doing, and as she gave her cap a final adjustment in the mirror, she realized that after today, she was walking into a world that was anything but safe and sure. She took a deep breath, she didn’t want today to be tainted by worries and questions of what tomorrow would bring. Today needed to be for her. Today needed to be about the fact that she had finished what she had been working towards for years. She could worry about tomorrow, tomorrow, today she would live in the moment. That mentality worked up until the moment she stood in front of her parents, diploma in hand.

Sam got to her first, lifting her up and swinging her around, whispering a kiss into her hair, “Way to go, Bunny.”

Her toes touched back onto the ground and she placed a soft kiss against Sam’s lips, “Thanks Martino.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she wanted to say more, to be more in this space with him, just like this, but it wasn’t destined to happen, because her mother was quickly pulling her out of his arms and into her own. 

“Oh Myka, congratulations! I am so proud of you.” Jeannie tightened her arms around Myka, making all the air escape her lungs in a rush.

“Thanks Mom.”

Tracy gave her a small hug, a few whispered words of congratulations, then stepped back, eyes darting to a clump of boys nearby who were surrounding four or five of Myka’s classmates.

Myka steeled her eyes as she turned to the last member of their small party, not knowing what to expect from her father. His hug was quick, loose, obligatory, as he muttered, “Congratulations Ophelia.”

She patted his back once, not looking him in the eye, “Thanks Dad.”

“Seems like a waste of a degree, but it’s your life.” If he thought he was speaking low enough to not be heard, he was wildly mistaken.

“Really? You’re going to do this now?” Myka wanted to keep control of her tone, but her Dad knew which buttons to push at just the right moments.

“Warren…” Jeannie’s voice was hard, just barely concealing the threat underneath her tone.

“I’m not doing anything Ophelia, I am merely stating a fact.” He folded his arms across his chest and looked around the quad at the rest of her class mingling with their families, “All these kids with so much potential, and here’s my daughter the _singer._ ”

Jeannie tugged on his arm, “Warren you do not get to do this today, and if you can’t control yourself, you should go home.”

Myka stilled her mother’s hand, “No, Mom it’s fine, really. Dad, you can think whatever you want about my life, about my choices, but you know what? I’m done caring what you think, because I realized a long time ago that _nothing_ I do will be good enough for you, so all the little, cutting barbs you’ve got built up for today, they’re going to go to waste. This,” she held her diploma up to his eyes, “this means something to me, and you can think that’s a lie, I don’t care. I could have quit school months ago, but I didn’t. I stayed, because I wanted _this,_ and if you can’t see that, well that’s your problem, not mine. I’m done apologizing for not being what you want. Now, if you can get it together to actually go out to dinner with us, and at least _pretend_ to have a good time, great. If not, then Mom’s right, you should go home.” 

Warren looked dumbfounded, and Myka realized that this was the first time in her life that she had even remotely stood up to her father. It left her feeling dizzy and nauseous, but strong, like she had finally let out what had been boiling inside of her for her entire life. Her dad cleared his throat, “Well…I’m sure I can manage through the day. Somehow.”

He looked like he was gearing up for a longer speech, but Sam slid into the space easily, “Then it sounds like it’s time for dinner? We don’t want to be late for our reservations right? Myka, do you need to go back to your apartment and change or anything?”

Myka felt a surge of love rush through her chest at Sam’s calming presence, “No, I’m good. I can just throw my gown into the car, no problem.”

“Great. Well then, shall we?” He slung an arm around Tracy’s shoulders, “What do you say Trace, think if we lead they’ll follow?”

Tracy rolled her eyes, but didn’t shy away from the contact, “Doubtful, those people have minds of their own.”

**

“Sam…can I ask you something?” 

They were sitting in Abigail’s office, finalizing paperwork for the tour, making sure that they knew where they were going to be and when, figuring out when they might be able to sneak a few breaks home to breathe. There was one final piece that Myka had been agonizing over, but she had yet to give voice to it.

Sam kept signing papers, “Sure Bunny.”

“What would you think if we asked Pete to do part of the tour with us? Be our drummer? At least for one leg?”

Sam set his pen down thoughtfully, “I think that if you both think he might be up for that, ready for that, I’d be all for it.”

“Really?”

“Really. Myka, whatever I can do to help Pete more, I’m going to do it, and if this is something you think might help, I’m in full support of it. Plus, it’d be kind of nice having someone else we know on stage, this whole random extra people thing is weird.”

“I know, I was thinking about that too. I just think it’d be good to offer, I don’t know if he’ll do it, but I know he’s been playing more, _finally,_ and I want to support that.”

“It can’t hurt to ask. I’m up for it if he is.”

Myka dropped a kiss to Sam’s cheek, “Thank you. I’ll ask him tonight.”

**

Myka raised her mug to softly clink against Pete’s, “To two years.”

Pete nodded, “Two years. I couldn’t have done it without you Mykes.”

She offered him a soft small, and took a sip of her coffee, steeling her courage to ask what she needed to, “So…I have a question for you, and you can absolutely say no, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t ask.”

Pete furrowed his eyebrows, “Ooook.”

“Sam and I were talking, and we were wondering if you might be up to being our drummer for a leg of the tour?”

Pete gave a low whistle, “Wow…Mykes, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything now, if you don’t want, but I’m just so happy that you’re playing again, and we thought it might be cool if you played with us.”

“It would be, it would be beyond cool, and I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful for the offer, because I am. This is…wow…it’s unexpected, but Mykes, I think I have to say no. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, it’s just, I still have some wrongs I need to right here. I figured out the classes I need to take this summer to finish my degree, and I need to commit to that. Plus, things with Amanda…I need to stay and make that a priority. She’s incredible, Mykes and I want to devote my time to that, so I don’t screw it up. I just feel like, there are parts of my life that I still need to get together, before I can completely make music a priority again. I’m sorry.”

“Pete don’t apologize! I want whatever is best for you, and I think finishing school and prioritizing Amanda are just that. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, and to feel like your life is where you want it be.”

Pete still looked sheepish, “I really do appreciate the offer Myka, truly.”

“No problem. I have to say though, I’m not sure what I’m going to do not seeing you for three months…”

“Hey, you’ll get breaks, and you’ll come home. It won’t be three months, and we’ll talk. I’ll talk your ear off the whole summer. Trust me, you are going to have to do more than go on some swanky tour to get rid of me.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.” She punched his arm and gave him a wiggle of her eyebrows, “So, Amanda, huh?”

“Oh man Mykes, she’s amazing. She’s funny, she’s smart, she’s tough. She just finished culinary school…”

“Oh Lord you are going to eat that woman out of house and home.”

Pete gave a small pat to his stomach, “That’s my plan, Mykes, that’s my plan. I really should thank Sam though. If he hadn’t interrupted us last year, I might never have gotten the chance to really talk to her.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m sure he would be thrilled to know that he helped you land a girlfriend.”

“I don’t know if I’d call her my girlfriend yet.”

“Pete, you’ve been seeing her for almost a year, I think that’s a girlfriend.”

“We’re going slow. She knows…she knows I have things to work through, and thankfully she understands.”

“Oh she is so totally you’re girlfriend.”

Pete actually blushed, “Ok, maybe.”

Myka sighed, “I’m going to miss you, ya know that?”

Pete reached across the table and squeezed her hand, “I do, and I’m going to miss you like crazy Mykes, but you’ve gotta do this, get out there and just kick some serious ass, show the world how awesome I know you are.”

“I know, just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Myka, come on, please don’t spend your whole summer worrying about me. It will kill me if you do that. I’m going to be fine, great even. I am a man with a plan. You’ve gotten me this far, Mykes, it’s time to let me try it on my own.”

Myka smiled at him, “Remember when you said that I was in charge of planning life for both of us? How times have changed.”

“Seriously, but I guess I’ve finally grown up a _little_ bit from that kid at freshman orientation.”

“Maybe a little. God what would we have thought if someone would have told us that day where we’d be four years later?”

“We would have told them they were crazy. I didn’t think I was capable of making mistakes, and never would I have guessed that my shy Myka Bering would be going out to sing in front of thousands of people.”

“We’ve come a long way Lattimer.”

“We really, really have.”

**

_Chicago, Illinois, “The Collide Tour” Midwest Leg, mid-July 2004_

The crowd noise was still ringing in Myka’s brain as she removed her ear monitors and fell onto a couch in the back of the tour bus, “That was amazing.”

Sam leaned down and kissed her slowly, “That’s because we are amazing, Bunny. You sounded incredible tonight, seriously.”

She smiled against his lips, “I think I’ve finally sunk into what Abigail referred to as my ‘tour voice.’ I think I’m finally used to singing this much, it felt good, not strained like it has been the last few weeks.”

“Think it’ll hold up another six weeks?”

Myka sighed, “Hopefully. How are your fingers.”

“Honestly?” Sam held them up to inspect them, “Completely and totally numb.”

Myka laughed, “That sounds about right.” She stretched languidly, “We actually get to sleep in a real bed tonight. We need to do more of these kind of stops, same city, multiple shows. I cannot wait to just take a long bath and sleep.”

“Would you be up for going out a little before you pass out? A couple of the guys mentioned grabbing a drink since we actually have time.”

Myka shook her head, “No, I’m good. I think I could use a bit of quiet. You go though, have a good time, just don’t stay out _too_ late.” She leaned up a placed a lingering kiss against his lips, “I would like to see you before I pass out…”

“I won’t be long, I promise.”

**

_Seattle, Washington, “The Collide Tour” West Coast leg, early August, 2004_

Abigail slide into Myka’s booth, tucked into the back of the hotel bar, “I figured you’d be asleep by now.”

Myka looked up from her notebook and gave Abigail a weary smile, “Couldn’t sleep, so I figured I’d come down here, get a drink, and write a little bit.”

“Lyrics keeping you up at night, huh?”

Myka chuckled, “Something like that.”

Abigail gestured to a waiter, and slid a glance at Myka, asking casually, “Where’s Sam?”

“Out. He went with a few of the guys from the band to a bar down the street. One of the crew guys, Kurt I think, is from here, so he wanted to show them around a bit.”

“You didn’t feel like going with them?” Abigail’s tone was light, but there was an undertone of something more.

Myka shrugged, “Not really. It’s not really my thing, ya know? I don’t know how they do it, honestly. Do a huge show, and then go out after. I’m exhausted, I would probably pass out before we even got anywhere.”

“The road affects everyone differently. Some people thrive on it, it gives them more energy, they can never quite calm down, but for others, it starts to weigh after awhile. It wears some people down, and builds others up.”

Myka distractedly rubbed the back of her neck, “That sounds like me and Sam.”

Abigail examined Myka for a few seconds, unsure of how to proceed. The waiter dropped off her drink, and she was grateful for the momentary distraction. Finally, she took a deep breath, “Myka…are you and Sam ok?”

Abigail watched as Myka visibly schooled her features into a calm demeanor, her smile a little too sure, her voice just a shade too high, “Yeah. We just deal with things a little bit differently is all. Sam loves the road, he loves this kind of life. I need a bit more down time, to think, to rest. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t ok.”

Abigail wanted to push, to call Myka on her obvious sugar-coating of a much more complicated situation, but it was late, and there were still four more weeks of the tour. Abigail was, after all, still their manager, and it was her job to get them through this tour in one piece, and if what it took to do that was not pushing Myka too far, then that was what she had to do, even if she worried that it wasn’t the right decision. “Ok, I just wanted to check, but you know you can come to me about things Myka? That’s what I’m here for, it’s part of my job, it’s also part of actually caring about you both and being your friend.”

Myka gave her a half-smile, “I know. Thanks, but we’re good. I’m good, just a bit tired. I think I’m going to head upstairs. Good night Abigail.” She gathered up her things, far too quickly for Abigail’s peace of mind and left before Abigail could so much as mutter a good night back.

**

¬ _St. Secord Records, Colorado Springs—Fall 2004_

Abigail tapped on the door as she opened it, “Hey you two, got a second?”

Myka and Sam turned their attention from the computer where they were watching playback from their television appearance the night before, and Sam waved Abigail in.

“I wanted to introduce you guys to somebody. This is Giselle Baker, my new assistant. Giselle, Myka Bering and Sam Martino.” 

A tall, red-haired woman, who looked to be about their age, stepped out from behind Abigail. Despite the new situation, she didn’t seem hesitant, but exuded a sense of confidence, she stretched out a hand and greeted them both, “Nice to meet you both. Abigail has told me a lot about you, it sounds like we’ll be working together quite a bit.”

Sam shook Abigail’s hand, “Welcome to the team. Glad someone is finally going to be around to keep us from driving Abigail crazy.” 

Myka tried to ignore the smile Giselle flashed at Sam, and spoke up to pull her attention away from Sam, “That’s true, Abigail could probably use a break from us.” Myka gave Giselle a smile, that wasn’t quite returned, Giselle’s eyes lingering a little bit longer on Sam, before giving Myka any form of attention, which only came in the form of a distracted smile and rote handshake.

Abigail stepped into their space, trying to diffuse whatever seemed like it was on the brink of happening, “So…Giselle is mostly going to be in charge of your publicity, at least for now. With everything that keeps getting thrown at you two, Jack, Rebecca, and I thought it would be best if I stayed focused on your recording and touring side of things. Giselle can handle the rest.”

“Sounds good to me, little divide and conquer.”

The tone of Sam’s voice, the tone she knew so well, made Myka’s heart clench awkwardly, like it didn’t quite know how to respond, to speed up or to slow down. She saw Abigail looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but refused to meet the gaze, refused to acknowledge that there would be a reason why Abigail should be looking at her with concern, with questioning. Myka put on her best effort at a smile, “Absolutely, we’ll take all the help we can get.”

Giselle, her attention still focused on Sam, clapped her hands together, “Well would you two have a second now to talk a little strategy, or is there a better time?”

Myka wanted to wait, to say that they were right in the middle of something, that there would be more time, but Sam beat her to any form of response, “Might as well jump right in, hear what you’ve got planned for us.”

“Fantastic.”

“Well, then I guess I’ll leave you three to it, let me know if you need anything.” Abigail continued her efforts to catch Myka’s eye, but to no avail. Her gut was telling her that she needed Giselle, because Myka and Sam and this career of theirs that had exploded out of nowhere was way too much for one person to handle, yet she couldn’t help worrying that by bringing in this extra person, this extra _woman,_ she had made a catastrophic mistake. She closed the door behind her, leaning back against it for the briefest of moments, whispering a silent prayer that somehow it would all just work out.

Giselle made herself right at home without hesitation, collapsing into a chair, and ushering Myka and Sam to do the same, “So, first things first, I would like to get you two out of Colorado Springs.”

Sam chuckled, “Wow, you’re just diving right into this aren’t you?”

“That’s why Abigail hired me, this isn’t a business where it pays to move slowly, and if I’m really going to be in charge of your publicity and your public image, then I would much rather do that in a larger city.”

Myka shook her head, convinced she had to have misheard something, “Wait a second. Why do we need to leave Colorado Springs? The studio is here, our lives are here.”

“Yes, but all the media outlets that are going to help you two are in the bigger cities. Plus, Jack and Rebecca have recently acquired a second studio in Denver, in order to expand the options they have for their artists.”

Myka just leaned back, deciding to listen, unwilling to fully vocalize anything until she had time to process. Sam however was visibly ecstatic, he was leaned forward, elbows on his knees, practically hanging off of Giselle’s every word, “So you think we need to go to Denver?”

“I think for now Denver is the safe, but smart play. You’ll have way more exposure there than you do here. I mean, don’t get me wrong,” and here she actually gave a passing glance towards Myka, “Colorado Springs is a great music town, it has a lot to offer, but it’s mostly for people who want to get started. You two are well beyond started and you need to be in a bigger locale, somewhere that can provide what you need. More radio airplay, more access to media, bigger venues to play when you aren’t touring.”

Sam slapped his knees, “Well, I’m sold. This sort of thing, this is what I’ve been talking about Myka, getting bigger, moving a bit faster.”

Myka moved to speak, but Giselle continued, “What you guys have done so far has been amazing, but there’s always room to grow and I think this is one step that can help you there.”

Sam turned expectant, exuberant eyes to her, “Bunny, what do you think?” 

She took a deep breath, “It sounds like it would make sense, I guess, but at the same time I wonder, will moving an hour away really make that much of a difference?”

Giselle just smiled coyly, “You’d be surprised.”

“What does Abigail think about all of this?” Abigail’s questioning looks from earlier ran through Myka’s mind.

“Abigail thinks it’s a logical next step as long as you both are comfortable with it. I don’t want you thinking that I’m just coming in here and laying out plans that haven’t been thoroughly discussed. Part of Abigail hiring me was that I had to lay out what I thought would be best for the two of you, and how I would go about achieving that. You aren’t hearing anything that Abigail hasn’t heard.”

“It sounds like you’re more like our co-manager rather than Abigail’s assistant,” Myka knew it sounded harsher, more skeptical than she intended, but at the same time she didn’t want Abigail’s presence with them lessening, she had gotten them this far, and Myka didn’t want that to change.

Giselle shrugged her shoulders, “I guess you could look at it like that, but Abigail is still the one responsible for you two, hers is still the final say. Like she said, I’m running this one small piece of your very big career.”

Myka looked at Sam, then took a deep breath, “Ok, I think I just will need a little bit of time to think about everything, time to process, if that’s alright.”

Sam softly chuckled, “You’ll soon learn Giselle, that my Myka here does not rush into anything, it’s a wonder I got her to say yes to dating me as quickly as I did.”

The tightness that had been strangling Myka’s chest for the last twenty minutes uncoiled slightly as Sam took hold of her hand, winking at her, and placing a small kiss against her cheek. She squeezed his hand, “Yeah, well, some things I don’t need to think about that much.” 

Giselle stood quickly, “Alright, well why don’t you guys take a few days, talk things over, and then we’ll regroup on say, Thursday, and see where we’re at.”

“Sounds good,” Sam stayed where he was on the couch, next to Myka, his hand in hers, barely seeming to register that Giselle was about to exit the room, and for that, and that alone, Myka smiled.

**

_Denver, Colorado—Winter 2005_

“Myka don’t you want to be back on the road? Even a little?” Sam paced through their living room, running a distracted, frustrated hand through his hair.

Myka leaned back against the couch, “Honestly? Not right now. Sam we don’t even have a new album ready yet. Would you really want to go on tour with absolutely no new material?”

“Why not? People do that all the time!”

“Yeah, as a last ditch effort to make money, or if they’ve been together for like twenty years and can just do that sort of thing. Neither of those situations apply to us Sam.”

“Then what do you want to do? Just sit here?” He flung himself dramatically into an armchair, as if to put a visual on his point.

“No, I don’t want to just _sit_ here. I want to write. I want to take some intentional time, and just _write_ Sam. You know I didn’t get nearly as much done when we were on tour last summer, and I want to have material ready so we can get back into the studio, so we can put out a new album, so we _can_ get back on tour.”

Sam passed a hand over his face, exhaustion practically dripping off of him, “I thought that moving was supposed to make things, I don’t know, _different._ I thought it was supposed to make things move more.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “The only person who said that was Giselle. Changing cities was never going to change the fact that we aren’t ready to be back on the road, or any of the other things that are going on at the moment.”

“Oh stop…”

Sam’s tone shook Myka, “Stop what exactly?”

“The Giselle hating. She’s just here to help; Abigail wouldn’t have hired her if she didn’t think what she brought to the table was what we needed.”

Myka held up a hand to stop him, “Ok, I don’t hate her. I just find it odd that she was able to come in and seemingly change everything without any comment from anyone.”

“She hasn’t changed everything Myka, c’mon be reasonable.”

“We live in Denver, Sam! You don’t think that’s a big enough change?”

“Given the fact that nothing else other than where we live has changed, the fact that we aren’t in the studio, that we aren’t on the road, that we aren’t doing anything at the moment, I would say no, not a big enough change. I mean why won’t you even _consider_ the options that Jack and Rebecca laid out yesterday, Myka?”

Myka’s eyes rolled involuntarily, “Come on Sam, you know as well as I do that those weren’t options that Jack and Rebecca seriously wanted us to consider. You heard the way they said it, like it was the last thing they wanted us to actually think about.”

“So you’re basically saying they were placating me?”

“No, God, Sam they’re trying to do what’s best for us! Do you really think that it’s a good idea for us to just sing other people’s songs? To put out an album that has barely any trace of us on it? Because I thought that this” she gestured between the two of them, “was supposed to be about us.”

“This is bigger than us now Myka!”

“It doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to be if we’re willing to make the decisions that will keep us, like _us._ ”

“Just think about it though Myka, we do even half of the album as songs we pick out from Jack and Rebecca’s writers, and we can have an album ready in a few months.”

Myka just shook her head, “I’m not willing to sacrifice that Sam, sacrifice what happens when _we_ put everything into an album, my writing, your music. If we can’t have that, then I don’t see the point in doing all of this.”

“The point is to make music..”

“Exactly! _Our_ music Sam, not somebody else’s.”

Sam threw up his hands dismissively, “Fine, you’re right. So we’ll just sit here and do nothing for now, and eventually, someday, maybe we’ll get back out on the road. Once we’ve done everything how you want us to.”

Myka grabbed her purse off of the table, “Wow…Ok, well, if you think we’re doing nothing that’s great. I, however, am going to go do _something._ I’m going to the studio, to actually _work,_ so that all these great, glorious changes you want to see happen, can actually start happening. Because whether you believe it or not Sam, this, you and me, _our_ music, that’s still my priority, but apparently I’m the only one willing to do something about it, other than listen to everything _Giselle_ recommends.” She slammed the door so hard she couldn’t even hear if Sam said anything in response.

Once in the car, she pulled out her phone, wondering when Pete would get tired of these types of phone calls.

“Hey Denver, how’s it goin’?”

Myka sighed, “The same as it always is lately…”

“Oh c’mon Mykes, not again…”

She could hear Amanda in the background not so subtly whisper, “Oh this is getting ridiculous…”

Myka turned her eyes to her roof, it was bad enough when it was just Pete hearing all of her issues, but now Amanda heard them all too, “Yes _again,_ to both of you. Hi Amanda!!” 

“Cool to go speaker, Mykes?”

“Yes, Pete…”

“Hello Myka.”

“Hey Amanda. How’s my dear man-child treating you?”

“Hey, hey, hey!!!”

“Quite well, somehow he’s grown on me, if you can believe it.”

“Hey!”

“Oh I can believe it. Been there, and I hate to tell you once he’s on, he doesn’t let go.”

“Hey! I am standing right here.” 

Myka laughed, “Sorry, Pete, this is what happens when you let your best friend and your girlfriend become friends. You are forever outnumbered.”

“She has a point sweets, forever outnumbered, that is if you can convince me to stick around.” Amanda’s tone was sweet, teasing, and it made Myka smile, thankful that Pete had finally met someone who could keep him on his toes. Myka genuinely liked Amanda, and if she was being completely honest didn’t mind her being automatically added to she and Pete’s phone calls, particularly when those phone calls revolved around Sam, as they did more and more frequently.

“Alright, ladies, if you can go easy on the Petester, I believe that you, Myka, were calling to let me guess, bitch about our dear Samuel?” 

The realization of just how often this had been happening since their move to Denver, made Myka no longer so willing to share details. She hated that this is what things had devolved into. She hated what had become of her and Sam since the move. Where once they were always in sync, now they rarely saw eye to eye, on anything, and the strain was beginning to show, not just to her, but to everyone that knew them, which included Pete. “Maybe…”

“C’mon Mykes, it’s ok. I’m just teasing. What happened?”

“Eventually you will get sick of these calls Pete.”

“Were you not the one who just insulted me by saying I have a tendency to stubbornly stick around? Spill it Mykes.”

“Myka, if you want me to go in the other room I can. I don’t need to hear this…”

“No, no Amanda, you’re good, really. Ugh…I don’t know. It’s the same thing over and over again. He doesn’t like that we aren’t planning a tour for the summer, he’s frustrated that we don’t really have a recording plan yet, he’s annoyed with me because I’m unwilling to sacrifice our integrity for the sake of getting something done. Basically he’s pissed off about everything.”

Pete halted her before she could go on, “Hold up, explain the whole sacrifice your integrity thing.”

“We had a meeting yesterday with Jack and Rebecca, and when Sam asked if there was anything we could do to speed up the recording process, they mentioned, hesitantly I might add, that we could always pull new material from some of the other writers at the studio. Record their stuff, rather than things that we’ve written.”

Myka was surprised when Amanda spoke up, “That doesn’t quite seem to fit your style. Yours or Sam’s.”

Myka gave a small sigh of relief, at least someone got it, “It’s not. That was never part of the plan. We always said we would do this as long as the music we were producing was our own. But now, well now that we’re way behind on writing, Sam’s patience isn’t exactly what it needs to be.”

“So let me get this straight. He wants you guys to record a bunch of music that you didn’t write, just to speed up an album and get on tour. What is with him and the road, Mykes? I don’t get it.” Pete honestly sounded dumbfounded, and it oddly gave Myka comfort, comfort that she wasn’t the only one sensing a change in Sam.

“Neither do I.”

“So what are you going to do, I mean there has to be a way to make him see the logic of staying on track with what you guys have planned?” Leave it to Amanda to remain sensible, Myka thought.

Myka ran a distracted hand through her curls, “I don’t know. We have another meeting with Jack and Rebecca tomorrow. I think Abigail and Giselle are supposed to be there. We’re supposed to sit down as a team, or whatever, and figure things out.”

“Mykes…” Pete had on his lecturing tone.

“ _What_ Pete?”

“You have your Giselle tone on…”

“Oh, you’re right she does…”

“Amanda, do not make me regret leaving you on this phone call…”

“Myka, I’m sorry, but Pete’s right. You most definitely have a tone when she’s brought up.”

Myka gave an exasperated huff, “Well, I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel like everything has just felt off since she started with us, and I’m sorry but you two have not seen her around Sam. If she could at least be a little less obvious that she would like to sleep with my boyfriend, it would make a world of difference.”

“Have you mentioned your concerns to Abigail? Actually, have you said anything to Sam?” Again, Amanda and her logical questions.

“No…I don’t…I don’t want to be that girl. That girl who gets jealous or seems insecure. It’s stupid, I just need to let it go.”

“Mykes…”

“No, Pete, I do. I trust Sam, and that should be enough.”

“ _Mykes…_ ”

“Pete, seriously, I’m sure it will be fine, it always is right? Look, I’m just pulling into the studio, I have to go, but I’ll call you guys later, ok.” Myka knew that Pete would know she was bailing on the conversation, that it was steering into territory she simply refused to trod, but thankfully, he didn’t call her on it, he rarely did.

“Ok. We’re here Mykes, I mean even though we’re here and you’re there, we’re…here.”

“What my oh so eloquent boyfriend is trying to say is that we support you Myka, whatever you need.”

Myka smiled, in spite of her mood. She missed them, more than she could adequately express, “I know you are, and I appreciate it, truly you guys. I’ll talk to both of you later.”

The studio was blissfully quiet. It wasn’t really surprising, given that it was a Saturday, and the weather was thankfully above freezing, a rarity in the winter, but nonetheless Myka was pleased to find herself alone. She settled into what was quickly becoming her favorite space in the Denver studio; a small room tucked into the back, barely big enough to hold a piano and a couch. Most of the others hated the room for its confinement, but Myka reveled in it, allowing its tight quarters to help her feel cut off from everything else, so that she could just focus on whatever it was she needed to write. 

She threw her bag onto the couch, pulled out a notebook, and slunk against the piano bench. The truth was, the truth that Sam didn’t know, was that she had been writing more. She had almost enough material ready for an album, the only problem was that most of her writing lately had been borne out of she and Sam’s tension, and she wasn’t really sure that she wanted to show him any of it. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to unleash upon the entire world the fact that their relationship had been distinctly rocky for the last six months. She kept telling herself it would work itself out, that they were just going through a rough patch, that it was all part of the transition of moving and settling into Denver, but sometimes, sometimes there was a pang in her gut that said they were drifting. It was the times like these, when they couldn’t even agree on their music, that she feared it the most, because most of the time, they could at least see eye-to-eye on that. As she sat there in the quiet, fingers lightly running over the keys, barely applying pressure, she allowed her mind to wander to places that she usually refused to let it go. Pete’s words about her “Giselle tone” were ringing in her ears, and she knew he was right. She knew Sam was right when he accused her earlier of not liking the newest addition to their little group. However, while Sam thought that the dislike came solely from the changes Giselle had encouraged, Myka begrudgingly admitted solely in her own heart, that it had nothing to do with that, and everything to do with what she feared might be growing between Sam and the woman. She knew Sam would tell her she was being ridiculous, that he would make excuses, but she saw the glances, heard the tones Giselle used only around Sam, and it hurt. It raised her suspicions, and made her feel like she was that awkward teenager all over again, watching the pretty girls get whatever they desired, while she sat in the corner, wondering if she’d ever get noticed. Images surfaced unbidden into Myka’s mind, images that she knew weren’t true, but felt like were becoming more and more plausible as life with Sam became more and more strained. The images brought words, words that finally gave voice to everything she feared was starting to happen but was powerless to stop.

She wasn’t sure how long she wrote, all she knew was that when she finally moved her neck screamed in protest. She stretched once, and then resumed her previous position, wanting to run all the way through everything she’d written. She was just beginning to start when there was a tap against the door frame, “Working on something new?”

She jumped, “Abigail! I didn’t realize anyone else was here, I didn’t realize you were in Denver already.”

Abigail shrugged, “I just got in, I needed to stop in and grab a few files before our meeting tomorrow.” She walked into the room, stopping behind Myka to wrap her in a one-armed hug around the shoulders, resting her chin on the top of Myka’s head, “So what are you working on?”

“Just something new. It’s still really rough.”

Abigail stood, and walked around the piano bench, encouraging Myka to slide over, “Let me hear it?”

Myka gave her a nervous glance, “Trust me, it is not even near ready.”

Abigail bumped against her shoulder, “I don’t care, let me hear it. I feel like I haven’t heard any new stuff from you guys in far too long. Indulge your helpless manager a little bit.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “ _Fine…_ but only because you look horribly pathetic right now.”

Abigail exaggerated her pout, “If this works on you, I’ll keep doing it until you play.”

Myka sighed, and placed her fingers on the keys. She hadn’t worked out much of a piano line, it was still hesitant and inconsistent, but she plodded through, at least feeling like the lyrics she had written were powerful enough. She knew her voice sounded thin, maybe a little broken, but somehow, it seemed appropriate…

_“If I didn’t know better…I’d hang my hat right there…_  
If I didn’t know better…I’d follow you up the stairs.  
Stop sayin’ those sweet things…you know I like to hear…  
The horns are blowin’ louder…the baliff’s drawin’ near.  
Why do I keep drinkin’…wastin’ my time on you  
If I didn’t know better…but dammit I do.” 

She played through the rest of what she’d written, though it was shaky near the end, but she never met Abigail’s eye, afraid that she would reveal too much, that Abigail, who had grown to know her so well, would know immediately what was lingering just below the surface. 

The final note had barely finished ringing through the small space before Abigail was speaking in that quick, intense way that she had when she was excited, “Myka, you seriously just wrote this today? Today, this afternoon?”

Myka gave a small nod.

“Good Lord, just when I think that you can’t surprise me anymore, you do. This…this is something else. It doesn’t sound like anything else you’ve written before. It’s kind of dark, it’s kind of sexy as hell,” that drew an unnoticed eyeroll from Myka, “it’s all kinds of really, really good.”

When Myka spoke it was soft, hesitant, “Thanks, inspiration to go in a different direction I guess.”

Her tone was enough to derail Abigail’s fervor, “Hey, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a little tired I think, I’ve been here awhile, I should probably just go home.”

Abigail gave her a scrutinizing look, “Are you sure? Anything you need to talk about?”

“Abigail I’m good, I promise. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Myka grabbed her bag and was thankful that Abigail let her go without another word, because she knew that if Abigail pushed, she would talk, and if she started talking she wouldn’t stop, and then, well, she didn’t want to think about what would happen then.

**

As they gathered in Jack and Rebecca’s Denver office, Myka could feel the tension descend. She and Sam had barely spoken since she came back to the apartment the night before, and she could see from the look on his face that he was gearing up for a fight. Myka wished with all of her might that she could go back in time and suck the words out of Jack and Rebecca’s mouths when they made the foolish offer of other’s music, because now that Sam had heard that option, he was grasping onto it like it was his only lifeline. Myka tried not to bristle too much when Giselle settled comfortably into the chair on the other side of Sam, not so subtly edging it closer to his. Myka couldn’t stop her eyes from rolling, it would be nice if this woman at least seemed to care a little bit that Myka was sitting right there. Her eyes caught Abigail, who was giving her a questioning look and a raised eyebrow, apparently her eyeroll didn’t go unnoticed. Myka just gave a slight shake of her head, and turned her undivided attention to the scene out the window. Jack and Rebecca came in, and Myka could tell they felt the weight in the room. 

They settled into chairs across from the four of them, and Rebecca gave them all a hesitant smile, “Umm…good morning all.”

There were quiet mumbles of “good morning” all around. Jack crinkled his eyebrows, “Ok, what did we miss? Is everything alright in here? Myka? Sam?”

Myka and Sam gave each other a cursory glance, but it was Abigail that spoke up, “We’re good. Everyone’s good. They had a long day working yesterday, I think everyone’s just tired.”

Jack’s smile practically glowed, “Ah burning the midnight oil, there’s the Myka and Sam we know and love.”

Myka fought the urge to roll her eyes again at Abigail’s obvious lie. Sam hadn’t done a damn bit of work yesterday, but Abigail was too professional to point that out. The lie didn’t seem to phase Sam at all, he just nodded along, like Abigail was speaking nothing but truths. 

Rebecca tapped lightly on the table with her hands, “Alright, dear children, let’s talk plans. Abigail? Giselle? What do you both have on tap for these two?”

Abigail sat up straighter, “Right now, I want to talk about getting them in the studio. I think it’s safe to say that Myka has been writing, and at this point, I think that’s their best bet. They need time to record, to get something ready, however long that takes.”

Myka gave a small sigh of relief, at least she could always count on Abigail to be on her side. Yet, her whole body tensed when Jack and Rebecca turned to Giselle.

Giselle tapped her nails impatiently against her coffee mug, “I have to admit that I’m at a bit of a standstill until Abigail’s side of things get moving.”

Myka reveled just slightly at the incredulous look Rebecca gave the woman, “And why is that exactly?”

“Because they’ve basically done all the press that they can do without having anything new to promote. If we push them out there right now, with nothing new to sell, people are going to think that we’re desperate, that we’re just trying to force feed them to people, when we actually have nothing to offer them at this point.”

Myka hated to admit that Giselle had a point. There was no reason for them to go out and “promote” when they had nothing to actually promote. 

Jack nodded his agreement, “So what you’re saying, what you’re both kind of saying is we need a new single? Something to put a little forward momentum behind a new album, and something that we can use to get them back out there.”

Abigail and Giselle looked at each other and nodded their assent, and then Abigail replied, “And neither of us are saying we can’t get them out into some of the local clubs too, I mean getting back to their roots of small venues isn’t a bad idea, and it’ll keep them fresh. I can look into some options there. They’re still kind of new to the Denver crowd so there are definitely untapped resources for that kind of thing.”

Rebecca turned a wide smile on Myka and Sam, “That is something I’m sure you’re both glad to hear. I know you both are usually chomping at the bit to get back out there.”

Myka and Sam both started speaking at the same time, but with vastly different tones. Myka’s hesitant, “Wellll,” was overpowered by Sam’s “About that…”

Jack gestured to Sam, “About what Sam?”

Sam fidgeted slightly, giving Myka a wary glance before he spoke, “Well, I was wondering if we might revisit something you both mentioned the last time we all spoke. You mentioned that there might be some options for speeding up the album process. I mean I know Myka has been writing, but I’m not sure we’re ready for a whole album, and I, for one, am ready to be back on the road as soon as we can.”

Jack shot a swift glance at Rebecca, “I believe you’re referring to our mentioning the song books some of our other writers have placed at the disposal of our artists.”

“Yes. I mean wouldn’t that help get this moving?”

When Rebecca spoke, it was carefully, like she was weighing each word before she said it, every now and then glancing between Myka and Abigail, gauging their responses, before returning her attention to Sam. “We did say that was an option Sam, and it is. We have fantastic writers, however, I think I speak for both Jack and myself, when I say that we would be hesitant to have you go that route.”

“Why?” Myka flinched slightly at Sam’s tone.

Rebecca looked like it was taking physical effort to keep her tone casual, “Because we have always felt that one of the strongest things that you had going was that your music was completely and totally yours. You have always brought an authenticity to your music, and I fear that you might lose that if we encourage you to record music that you didn’t write together.”

“Can a few songs really hurt that much.”

“Believe it or not, they can. Listeners aren’t stupid Sam, they would be able to tell that there had been a shift. They would be able to tell because whether you realize it or not, you approach a song differently when it’s something that is truly yours, compared to if it’s about someone else’s experience.”

Before Sam could say anything else, Jack piped up, “Rebecca’s right, Sam, but we can discuss it, if you truly want to. However, I would like to hear what Myka has to say about it, given that it’s her writing that would be getting railroaded if we took that option. Myka? You’ve been awfully quiet this morning, how do you feel about all of this?”

She took a deep breath, if she had hoped things might get easier for her and Sam, she knew her next words would make that near impossible, and she could feel him tensing up next to her, already knowing what she was going to say. “We’ve _talked_ about it, and Sam knows that it’s not my ideal option. I would prefer to take some time and write. I mean don’t get me wrong, Abigail wasn’t lying when she said that I’ve been working, I have, but I could use some more time, to get a bit more material ready. Personally, I think we could use a little bit of a break from the chaos, focus on us for a little while.”

Sam sighed next to her, “And once again, everyone except me is on the same page.”

Myka said an inward word of thanks to any and all gods that Sam seemed to miss the eye roll that Rebecca gave him, “Sam, that is not what is happening here. No one is taking sides. We want to hear what you both want, and figure out how best to make that happen. This is just one of those times where it’s difficult because you two want very different things.”

Jack continued where Rebecca left off, his tone, if possible, was even more placating, “Sam, we understand you want to be on the road, and out there with a new album, but I have to say that I think you will ultimately be happiest if when that step comes, you’re doing it with music that you both believe in, music you both put your all into.”

Abigail’s voice, when it came, was quieter than Myka had ever heard, “There is such a thing as being on the road too much. Particularly in situations like yours and Myka’s. You’ve gone through a ton of change lately, it might not be a bad idea to stay in one place for awhile, get back to some semblance of normal.”

“Abigail is right Sam. Jack and I see it all the time, the road burns people out and before you know it, everything falls apart. It would most likely be good for you and Myka to just have some time to relax, write, spend some time together that isn’t all about work. The album will probably happen quicker than you can imagine if you let that happen.”

Abigail piped up again, “And based on what I heard Myka play last night, I would say we could get you into the studio faster than you think.”

“ _Abigail…_ ” Myka hadn’t exactly had the opportunity to show Sam what she had written last night, nor was she really planning on it, considering where she got the inspiration for it.

“Myka, I’m serious. That song last night is single material. If Sam wants to get back out there sooner, then I think this is a nice compromise. You get time to write still, but you get into the studio and start recording the things you _have_ written, because I know that notebook of yours is fuller than you’re letting on.”

Sam shot an incredulous look at Myka, “Is she serious Bunny?”

Myka’s lip curled underneath her teeth, then rolled her eyes, “Jesus…yes. She is. Some of it is really rough, and I’m not sure it’s exactly album material, but I have enough to get us started.”

Jack clapped his hands together, “Wonderful! I think this sounds like a great place to get started. You can start recording, which is what Sam wants, and Myka you can be in one place with time and space to write. Abigail, Giselle does that work for you two?”

Giselle nodded, “Once there’s a single, I can get things rolling quickly.”

Abigail agreed, “I’m ready to get them back in the studio whenever they’re ready.”

Jack and Rebecca stood, and Rebecca looked slightly relieved, “Well, great. I think we have a plan. Abigail, why don’t you call Kate and Marcus, see if they could be ready to go with these two as soon as possible. Sam, Myka, you sit down and do what you do best, until Abigail gets things set up with the other two.”

Everyone started to gather their things, but Sam seemed disinclined to move. Abigail tugged on Myka’s sleeve, “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Myka stole a glance at Sam, but he didn’t budge, “Yeah…sure.”

Abigail pulled Myka into the hallway, and she seemed to be trying to apologize for revealing too much about yesterday, but Myka wasn’t really paying attention. Her ears were straining to hear the conversation that was transpiring between Giselle and Sam. She could see just out of the corner of her eye where Giselle was leaning closer to Sam, and Myka finally caught some of her words, “I’m sorry they don’t listen to you Sam. They should.”

“Yeah…well, I don’t see that happening any time soon, so…”

“Well, I’m on your side. You can count on that.”

Myka’s stomach twisted, Giselle’s tone was _too_ familiar, _too_ lilting, too _everything._ She put her hands up in front of Abigail who was still talking a mile a minute, “Abigail, I’m sorry, I…I have to go.”

Abigail tried to stop her, but Myka turned from her touch, and took off down the hallway. Before Abigail could wonder what happened, her eyes turned back to the conference room, and the second she saw Giselle and Sam, she knew exactly why Myka had left.

**

_Denver, Colorado—Winter 2006_

Ultimately, things ended up moving faster than Sam imagined they would, and it was mostly because Abigail had been more right than any of them ever imagined about _“If I Didn’t Know Better.”_ It was more than single material, it was _the_ single, the single that turned Myka and Sam from fairly well-knowns, to household names. Sam never asked Myka where it came from, or what made her write it. He was too ecstatic about what it was doing for them to particularly care. For that, Myka was somewhat thankful, because she didn’t really feel like explaining, however, there was part of her that hoped, maybe, he would ask, and maybe she would tell him, and maybe he would tell her that she was crazy and that she was imagining things and that he loved her, and maybe things would be ok. None of that happened though. It wasn’t that things didn’t get better between them, because they did. Sam perked up immediately upon things starting to move. Myka could see it happening. The second they got in the studio, the second it seemed obvious that they were making progress, he became happier, more attentive, more content, more affectionate. She tried to ignore the correlation between their success and Sam’s attention to their relationship, but it lingered in the back of her mind, like a sliver that you couldn’t quite get out from under your skin. She tried to just be happy that her Sam seemed to have returned, but the things that had happened between them over the last year couldn’t be undone. Yet, they continued on. They made it work, and slowly Myka came to hope and believe again that they would be ok. 

What Myka didn’t realize however, was that everything that had happened didn’t go unnoticed. In fact, it had been glaringly obvious to everyone who cared about them, and the effects were starting to concern them.

“Abigail, can you honestly tell us that putting them out on the road this summer is going to be ok? Can you honestly tell us that it isn’t going to tear them apart?” Rebecca was staring out the window of her Denver office, quietly nursing a glass of wine, while Jack paced the floor in front of the couch where Abigail sat.

Abigail took a sip of her water, “Honestly? I don’t know. They seem better. Sam seems back to some form of normal. They’ve been more like themselves the last few months. It seems like whatever happened last year is over.”

Jack stopped pacing, “Do not take this the wrong way, because trust me, no one loves this new album more than we do, but Abigail, the things that Myka wrote…they don’t make it sound like they’re ok.”

Rebecca turned, “He’s right Abigail. These songs? They are incredible, they are arguably some of the best of Myka’s career, but they’re also heartbreaking. They’re darker. They don’t sound like they come from a good place, they sound like they were written by someone who is completely broken. I mean even you have to admit that _”If I Didn’t Know Better,”_ isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for happy relationships.”

Abigail sighed, “I know, but you have to remember she wrote most of this stuff last year. I mean most of this album _is_ borne out of what they went through, but that doesn’t mean that things are still like that now. Trust me, I was there the night she wrote that song, and I can tell you, it was when they were at their worst, but now? Now, they seem like Sam and Myka to me.”

Jack ran a distracted hand through his hair, “She knows them better than we do Becs. If she says they’re fine, if she thinks they can handle a tour of this magnitude, we have to trust that.” He flashed Abigail a smile, “It is her job after all.”

Rebecca sank into the chair behind her desk, “I know it is, and Abigail I do trust you. I just…”

“What is it Becs?” Jack walked over to sit on the edge of the desk, hand idly running through a strand of Rebecca’s hair.

“I shouldn’t say it, but Jesus, I feel like these two are our kids, and I just I don’t want to see Myka get hurt.”

“Who’s to say that Myka is the one that’s going to get hurt? What if Sam’s the one that does?” Somehow, Jack’s face didn’t quite mirror his sentiments, he didn’t hide well that he barely believed what he was saying.

Abigail set her empty glass on the table, her voice echoing as she walked out of the office, “Somehow, I just don’t see it working that way…”

Rebecca hung her head in her hands, “She’s right Jack.”

He sighed and curled his hand around one of Rebecca’s, “I know she is…”

**

_Atlanta, Georgia, “Strings & Keys Tour”—Summer 2006_

“Are you happy?”

Myka startled at the question. She stared at Abigail across the table where they were sharing lunch on a precious off day from the tour. Sam was at the gym, and Myka decided to take Abigail up on her offer for an afternoon out, figuring the warmth, the relaxing would do her good. Her fork hung in mid-air, “What do you mean?”

Abigail fought off her muscles’ insistence that she roll her eyes at Myka’s feigned ignorance. The truth was Abigail was worried, had been worried for weeks, but hadn’t had the opportunity, nor the courage to say anything, until now. Looking at Myka with the too purple bags beneath her eyes, the strain that exuded from her facial features even as she tried to appear happy, the way she was picking at her food, it all pooled together to steal Abigail’s fortitude, “Don’t do that Myka.”

“Do what?”

This time she didn’t resist her muscles, eyes rolling in disdain at Myka’s apparent need to make this difficult, “Pretend like you don’t know _exactly_ what I’m talking about. Pretend like you don’t realize that what I’m asking you matters.” Abigail _almost_ felt guilty at the look this put on Myka’s face, a look of guilt, remorse, maybe even a little relief. “So, I will ask you again, are you happy?”

“Can I ask if you’re asking me as my friend or as my manager?”

“You can, as long as after I answer you stop stalling.” Abigail allowed her words to linger, waiting to see if Myka would say anything. Abigail took her silence as affirmation that she would answer Abigail’s questions, once Abigail answered hers. “I’m asking as both, Myka, but mostly, I’m asking as your friend.”

Myka put down her fork, concentrating on her hands, fidgeting together in her lap, “I wouldn’t say that I’m unhappy, that’s…that’s not the right word. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, we both know that this,” she gestured as though the restaurant could encapsulate everything about her life right now, “isn’t easy for me, not like it is for Sam.”

“IS it just the tour then? Because Myka we can talk about how to make that easier, there are ways we can fix that.” Abigail grimaced at her own words, “Ok, maybe not fix it right now, but for the future, we can do things differently.”

Myka was silent for a long time, and Abigail waited, not wanting to push beyond Myka’s finely laid out lines of comfort, until finally Myka spoke, “It’s not just the tour…”

Abigail continued to wait, knowing that the wrong word could suck Myka’s willingness to speak back into her chest, and there would be no getting it out again. She watched as Myka took in a large breath of air, releasing it slowly with her words, “In some ways, I’m actually better this time around with the tour. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t really know, maybe I’m finally adjusted to it, but the things that used to get to me, don’t as much anymore. I think…I think it’s become an easy excuse, for me to say that I’m tired and it’s the tour and it’s this life, because well everyone will accept that as reasonable, and they won’t push, and they’ll leave me be with my space. For so long it’s been too unfathomable to admit that I’m not ok because I feel like Sam and I are falling apart. I had told myself that things had gotten better, and I think they had, at least for a little while, once we settled into Denver, once we started working more, once we got on the same page, but those pockets of time where things are good have gotten smaller and smaller. I don’t know when, or why, or how even, but something feels irrevocably changed. More than anything that’s why I feel exhausted. It is exhausting going out on stage every night, and performing together, singing these songs that we wrote when things were so good, and lately…it’s felt a bit like an act. We get off stage and there’s this sinking feeling like ‘ok we can go back to our normal selves now.’ That is absolutely exhausting, it’s like I’m living two separate lives.”

In the five years that Abigail had known Myka, she had never heard her say as much as she did, as openly and as honestly, as she did in those few minutes. Suddenly, Abigail’s mind was flung back months prior to Rebecca in that office, worrying that Myka was going to get hurt, to Jack and Rebecca asking for her assurance that Myka and Sam could handle this, and it wasn’t until this moment that she realized she should have said then and there that they couldn’t. Abigail could sense this then, this growing chasm between them, she had played it off, said they seemed fine, better, happy even, but deep down, she knew that she knew the two of them too well. She could see the subtle things that had changed. The way Sam no longer let his fingers linger on Myka’s back when they walked. The way Myka no longer tugged at Sam’s belt loops to get his attention. The glaring absence of the word “Bunny” from the majority of their conversations. No, Abigail realized, sitting there in an over-air conditioned café in the middle of Atlanta, staring at a heartbroken Myka Bering, that she should have spoken up when she had the chance, put an end to this before it could begin. She realized that maybe, possibly, she could have been the one to stop Myka from getting hurt, yet there was a part of her that knew there was never going to be any iteration of this situation where that didn’t happen. No matter what, tour, no tour, silence, screaming, Myka was going to end up broken. 

“Abigail? It would really help if you said something here.”

She hadn’t realized she had lapsed into silence, that her eyes had gone unfocused, “Sorry, Myka, God, I’m sorry, I think I’m just trying to process what to say. Have you and Sam talked about any of this?”

Myka gave a half-hearted laugh, “No. I think he thinks everything’s fine. At least that’s how he acts. He seems happy, and it’s not like we’re fighting or anything. To me, things just feel off, and sometimes Sam is really bad at seeing things like that. Hell, maybe to him nothing feels different, maybe it’s just me.” Myka gave a defeated shrug of her shoulders, as tears started to rim the bottoms of her eyes.

Abigail reached across and gave her hand a squeeze, “I’m probably going to hate myself for saying this, but it’s not just you Myka. If it was, I never would have asked about any of this.”

Myka turned shining eyes to her, eyes that were at once begging for honesty and begging for a lie, “Things do feel different don’t they?”

Abigail gave a small nod, “They do. I wish I could tell you that they didn’t, you have no idea how much I wish I could do that, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

The tears that had been building finally started to fall, “Don’t apologize Abigail.”

“I could have stopped the tour, I could’ve encouraged you guys to have more time, I could have…”

“Abigail, no. Sure, you could have done those things, but I honestly don’t think it would have made a difference.”

“Still, I am sorry Myka. That you’re dealing with all of this, that you’re hurting.”

Myka gave a small shrug, “I’ll be ok, I always am.”

“You don’t have to do that ya know?”

“Do what?”

Abigail just shook her head, back to where they started apparently, “Try to put up the strong front all the time. Try to be ok. You’re allowed to be very not ok, Myka.”

“I know, but honestly? Abigail if I’m going to make it through the next six weeks, I have to be ok.”

“Downside of success I suppose…”

“Indeed.”

They sat in silence for awhile, both finishing their meals, Myka getting herself composed. Finally, as they got up to pay, Abigail stilled Myka with a hand on her arm, “Myka…do you still love Sam?”

There was a glimmer of Myka’s real smile flickering behind the one she gave to Abigail then, “I do. Part of me wishes I didn’t, because then this might be easier, but God help me…I can’t stop.” Myka laid her cash on the table, and without a second glance behind her walked out into the glaring Georgia sunlight.

**

Abigail didn’t usually drink. Particularly not when she was technically working, and even on nights when Myka and Sam were off, when it came to being on tour, Abigail was always on the clock. Yet, her afternoon with Myka had left her feeling empty and restless. Sleep was particularly elusive and rather than pacing around her room, she decided she might, just this once benefit from a drink at the hotel bar. It helped, more than she really cared to think about actually. It smoothed the rough edges of her brain, and made a little bit of her worry ebb away. However, her choice of activity for the night found her returning to her room much later than usual. She had struck up a conversation with a man at the bar, which she knew she let linger far longer than she should have considering she had zero intention of leaving the bar with him, however, that too had served as a pleasant distraction. So it was that she found herself walking down an empty hotel corridor at 2:30 in the morning. She was lost in thought, her mind wandering around the man she had left downstairs, wondering if she’d regret turning down his offers. She was so caught up she almost didn’t notice the door that opened as she walked by. She almost didn’t notice the sandy brown hair of the man with his back turned towards her, trying to close the door with a quick, barely heard click. She almost didn’t notice the voice that whispered through the crack of the door way, “Good night baby.” _Almost._

She stopped right behind him, so that he had no choice but to come face to face with her upon turning around. It took all her energy, every ounce of control to not scream, but to instead vehemently whisper, “What the _fuck_ are you doing?” as Sam turned around and nearly jumped at her presence.

“Abigail!” He at least had the decency to look ashamed, the decency to look like a man who had been caught doing something he knew he shouldn’t be, the decency to look like someone Abigail deeply wanted to punch. 

Abigail grabbed his elbow and tugged him down the hall towards her room, not saying a word until they were enclosed behind her door, “What the hell Sam?!”

“Abby, it’s not…”

“Oh Jesus Christ. One, do not Abby me right now, and two, do not even try to tell me that it isn’t what it looks like. It is 2:30 in the goddamn morning, and you are sneaking out of a room that sure as hell isn’t yours and Myka’s, with your damn shoes in your hands.”

Sam slumped onto the bed, “Ok, fine, it is exactly what it looks like.”

“Oh thanks for clearing that up. Sam, I am going to ask this one time, and I swear to God if you lie to me, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Was that or was that not Giselle’s room that you were leaving?”

“It was.”

Abigail practically tore her hands through her hair, “Jesus Sam. How long?”

“Since Baltimore.”

Abigail’s eyes went wide, “BALTIMORE!? Baltimore was six weeks ago! Baltimore was like the second week of the tour!”

Sam hung his head, “I know.”

“So this isn’t some one-night stand thing? This isn’t some thing where you’ve been finding groupies in each town? You’re sitting there and telling me that you’ve been cheating on Myka for a month and a half with her?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t even know what I’m more pissed off about Sam, that you’re cheating in the first place, or that you’re having a completely separate relationship? Somehow, I’m finding that I wish you _were_ sleeping with groupies. Jesus, I picked a great night to start drinking.”

“Abby…”

She held up a hand to stop him, “What did I say about that? And anyway, right now you don’t get to talk. I don’t want to hear about how it wasn’t supposed to mean anything or how you’re sorry or how you don’t know how this has happened. I don’t want to hear a damn thing Sam, and do you want to know why? Because I just spent my entire fucking afternoon with Myka, listening to her talk about how awful she feels that things feel different between you two. How she wants things to get better. How, despite it all, she still _loves_ you Sam. Holy shit, how have I not seen this?” Abigail started pacing around the room. “I told Myka that I thought things seemed different, but I absolutely didn’t think that this was what was different. How on earth did I miss the fact that you’ve been sleeping with my goddamn assistant for six weeks? God, I am the worst manager on the face of the earth.”

Sam’s voice was sheepish, “It was easy to miss, we’ve been careful.”

Abigail turned to him aghast, “Oh my God, do not say that like it’s a compliment Sam. Do not sit there and try to make me feel better that I only missed your affair because you guys hid it so well.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t need your apologies Sam. You know who does? Your girlfriend! Your girlfriend of, what? SIX years! Your girlfriend who loves you more than she clearly should.”

“I know…”

Abigail scoffed, “If you knew you wouldn’t be sneaking out of hotel rooms at 2:30 in the morning.” She flung herself into a chair in the corner, “Does Myka have any idea?”

“No. If she did, I assume she would have mentioned it to you this afternoon.”

“Yeah, well…Myka doesn’t always put all her cards on the table, but somehow I think you’re right.”

Sam gave her a pathetic glance, “You won’t tell her?”

She actually laughed, “Wow…you are something else Martino, you know that? I should, I should go over there right now and tell her. _However,_ against my better judgment, against my better everything, and only because I want to get through this goddamn tour in one piece, I won’t. You will though. You will tell her the second that this tour is over. You will tell her everything, and I hope she punches your lights out for it. Also, I won’t tell her, because this stops, _tonight._ I hope you enjoyed yourself, because I swear to God, if you keep this up, I will tell her. I don’t care if this entire tour implodes, one more time and I will tell her.”

“Ok.”

“I’m serious Sam.”

“I know…I know you are.” He got up and moved towards the door.

Abigail’s voice stopped him, but he didn’t turn around, “I meant what I said, about what Myka said this afternoon. She loves you Sam. In spite of all the hell you have put her through, she loves you. You would do well to remember that.”

He didn’t say anything, just left her sitting there with the sound of a door closing to fill the void. She waited for five minutes. She waited until she was sure she had heard the door across from hers, _their_ room close. She waited until her breathing had calmed, until she was sure she wouldn’t do something she would regret. Five minutes. Then she got up and walked back out of her room, down the hall to the room she had found Sam creeping out of, and pounded on the door.

Giselle opened the door, red hair tossled, with only a t-shirt to hide her small frame, “Abigail? What are you doing here?”

Abigail pushed her way into the room, “I’m here to tell you what I just told him. This stops.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tough luck for you two oh so careful idiots. I caught him sneaking out of your room. I’ve dealt with him. He’s where he should be, in bed with his girlfriend. Now, I’m here telling you that it’s over.”

Giselle crossed her arms, not even caring that more of her body was showing than was decent for the situation, “Funny, I don’t think that’s your business or your decision to make.”

“Like hell it is. They’re our _clients_ Giselle! You don’t sleep with the talent!”

Giselle scoffed, “Our _clients?_ Are you fucking kidding me? You’re going to lecture me about professional propriety when you baby Myka like _that’s_ your job? When you take her side on everything, regardless of if it’s the right idea, regardless of if it’s what Sam wants? When half the time you barely act as though Sam exists? Don’t talk to me about ethics Abigail, you do not want to have that conversation with me.”

“I have known them for five years. Friendships form. I, however, have somehow been able to not sleep with either of them.”

Giselle laughed derisively, “Maybe you should have. It might have saved us all from getting into this mess in this first place.”

Abigail’s jaw dropped, “Ok, I’m going to ignore that statement and all of it’s implications, and leave, because honestly I cannot even deal with you right now. However, I will tell you, I know that Jack and Rebecca gave you a few liberties when I hired you, but I am still your boss, and if I find out that this hasn’t stopped, your ass will be on a plane back to Colorado looking for a new job, before you even know what hit you.” 

She could tell Giselle was ready to say more, but she refused to give her the chance, simply turning on her heel and slamming the door in her half-naked, ridiculous face.

**

_Phoenix, Arizona, “Strings & Keys Tour”—late August, 2006_  
“Hey Mykes! Perfect timing! Guess what?”

“What’s up? I can practically hear you bouncing through the phone.”

“That’s because I am bouncing! I have bounce-worthy news!”

“Well, then tell me dummy.”

“I am saying goodbye to the bachelor pad!”

“Oh thank God, that place was awful!”

“Hey!”

“Pete, it was. Wait a second…why are you moving? Oh my God, are you and Amanda…”

“Shackin’ up? Hey, hey, hey, we are.”

“You’re making finger guns right now aren’t you?”

“Yup!”

“At least some things don’t change while I’m away. So how’d that happen?”

“I don’t know actually. I think we’ve both known we were kind of moving towards it, and so we sat down last night and she asked if I thought we might be ready to take that step. I said I thought we were, she agreed, here we are.”

“Pete, that is amazing. Congratulations.”

“Thanks Mykes. I don’t know, it just feels right. I mean, I think we both know we aren’t ready to get married or anything, but at the same time we practically live together anyway at this point, so why not actually do it, and stop paying for rent and a mortgage?”

“So you’re moving into her place?”

“Well, she already has the house, it’s definitely big enough for both of us. I like it there, it’s nice. Plus, it’s her parents’ old place, she grew up there, I wouldn’t want to be the guy that made her move out of a place she loves.”

“Aww, Lattimer ya big softie.”

“What can I say? It’s why the ladies looove me.”

“I would say stick to one lady loving you and you’ll be good.”

“Good point. So how’s the tour? You’re almost done, how ya feeling?”

Myka leaned against the window of the tour bus, watching as the desert flew by, listening as Sam plucked his guitar from his seat near the front. “I’m good, like really good. The last few weeks have been so much better Pete. I don’t know, something feels like it’s changed.”

“Sam’s gotten over his inclination to be an ass?”

Myka laughed, “Yeah, I mean, things just feel better. We seem better. I don’t feel as detached as I did.”

“Usually by this point in a tour you’re ready to just come home.”

“I know, and I am, I mean I’m definitely ready for a break, but I don’t feel as worn out as I usually do. I just…”

“You sound happy Mykes.”

She smiled, “I am.”

“Well, I for one am happy to hear it, and I have no problem also telling you that while I’m happy you’re happy, and I’m happy I’m happy, I am ready for you to be home. I need my Mykes time.”

“I miss you too Pete. Alright, we’re almost to our stop. I’m sorry this was so short.”

“No problem-o Mykes, as long as I get to claim at least two full days immediately upon your arrival home.”

“Deal, and Pete, congrats again about Amanda.”

“Thanks Mykes. Kick ass tonight.”

“Will do.”

**

_Denver, Colorado, “Strings & Keys Tour,” Last stop, September 2006_

Abigail had been convinced it was over. Sam’s behavior the last six weeks of the tour had been drastically different. Myka seemed happier, lighter, more content than she had in months. Abigail was almost certain things were back to normal. She had actually started going over plans for what happened next, once this tour was over and they would really need to examine what the next step would be because if this tour had proven anything, it was that Myka and Sam’s career were nowhere near close to slowing down. The hometown crowd was everything you could hope it would be. Myka and Sam played arguably their best show of the entire summer, no one’s voice gave out, there were no tech problems, it all just went smoothly. Abigail was even contemplating the word perfect, until, until, until…

She walked, unannounced, into their dressing room after the show expecting to find Sam and Myka, and instead finding Sam and Giselle. Giselle in her damn short skirt, sitting on top of table, with Sam standing between her knees, kissing her without a care in the world that the door had just opened. She slammed it behind her, and only then did they jump apart. Sam ran a hand through his hair, opening his mouth to speak, Abigail held up both hands, “No. Neither of you says one goddamn word. You,” she pointed at Sam, “get the hell out of this room, go find Myka, and go home. Go to _your_ apartment with your _girlfriend,_ and I will talk to you tomorrow. You,” she turned to Giselle, “fix your fucking makeup, go home, and be in my office tomorrow morning at 9 am. I don’t want to see either of your faces again tonight.” She gestured for Sam to leave, he tried to hesitate, but she picked up his guitar case, shoved it into his arms and pushed him out the door. She turned back around to Giselle, “I am walking him out, you do not leave this room for at least five minutes. You do not text him, you do not call him, you don’t anything him tonight. I will see you tomorrow.”

**

Abigail was half-expecting Giselle to not show up, she was also half-hoping she wouldn’t, yet at 9:00 on the dot, she sauntered into her office looking like she didn’t have a care in the world. She sat in one of the chairs facing Abigail’s desk, with a barely concealed smirk on her face.

Abigail was past the point of wanting to deal with pleasantries and doing this properly, “I think you know why you’re here Giselle.”

“Oh I’m pretty sure I know exactly why I’m here.”

“So do you want the whole spiel about severance and how this will work or can we just skip all of that?”

“I think we can skip that. Basically, I need to clean out my office and get the hell out right? That’s what you’d like to tell me?”

“Oh believe me there is so much more I’d like to tell you, but in the interests of making this quick, yes, that’s the general gist. You can take the day to get your things together, but from this point on you’re done at St. Secord Records.”

“Fine.” She moved to get up, then sat back in her chair, “You realize that this isn’t going to fix your problem right Abigail? I mean please do not tell me that you are naïve enough to think that firing me is going to make this go away, or that it’s going to magically fix Sam and Myka.”

“Do not condescend to me Giselle. I am well aware of what the situation needs, and while it might not fix it, not having you here, will certainly make a huge difference.”

This time Giselle did stand, “You keep thinking that Abigail, but believe me, this problem is bigger than even you can fix.” She stalked out of the office, and Abigail wasn’t far behind. 

She knocked on the door of Jack and Rebecca’s office, and was happy that two voices beckoned her inside. She was afraid she might only catch one of them in the office, and have to have this conversation more than once.

Jack was where he usually was, perched on the edge of Rebecca’s desk looking over paperwork. Abigail wondered if he ever actually used his own desk. Rebecca moved her glasses to the top of her head and turned away from the computer, “Good morning Abigail. Pretty good end of the tour last night.”

Abigail bit back a sigh, “Yeah, they were great. Probably their best show of the summer.”

Jack looked up from his papers, “So what can we do for you? Isn’t it generally accepted that you can take a few days off after three months of being on the road?”

“Usually, but, well, I had a situation that needed to be handled.”

Concern crossed both Jack and Rebecca’s faces, “Abigail what’s going on?” Rebecca’s worry had risen immediately.

“We have a problem.”

Jack raised his eyebrows, “What kind of problem?”

“I just fired my assistant.”

Abigail tried to ignore the relief that passed over both of their faces, Rebecca gave her a questioning look, “Giselle? Well, that is rather unfortunate, she seemed like she was doing a good job, but why exactly is that our problem? You know you can hire someone else if you want.”

Abigail squeezed the bridge of her nose, “It’s our problem because she’s been sleeping with Sam, which is why I fired her.”

There were no words for the looks on either of their faces. Jack passed a hand over his forehead, “Shit…”

Rebecca came around to the front of the desk, perching herself next to Jack, “For how long? How did you find out? God, I have so many questions I don’t know where to start…”

“My best guess would be for the entire tour. I found out when we were in Atlanta. I caught them, but I thought I had put a stop to it. Afterwards, things seemed to get better. Sam seemed back to normal, so I was convinced it was over. However, I caught them again last night, after the show, so I’m pretty sure it never stopped.”

Rebecca looked distraught, and Abigail was pretty sure she was finally seeing how she must have looked to Giselle and Sam last night, “Does Myka know?”

Abigail shook her head, “No. Unless Sam told her last night, which I highly, highly doubt, I don’t think she has any clue.”

“Jesus Christ…Abigail…how do we even deal with this?” Jack’s voice sounded strained, but Abigail couldn’t tell if it was because he was attempting not to scream or choke down emotion.

“Honestly? I have no idea. I had told Sam in July that if I found out that it was still going on I would tell Myka, and as much as it kills me to be that person, I feel like I have to keep that promise. She needs to know. I can’t, as their manager, as her friend, let this go on with Myka completely ignorant. It would be disastrous.”

Rebecca scoffed, “It’s going to be disastrous either way.”

“Abigail, she’ll leave him. I think we all know she will, and rightly so, but that also means…” 

“I know Jack. You don’t think that it is that exact thought that has been racing through my mind the last month and a half? This could, probably will, ruin them.”

Rebecca hung her head in her hands, “How the hell did this happen? I never, _never_ would have thought this would happen to these two…”

Abigail stood, resigned to her fate and wanting to get it over with before she lost the nerve, “I guarantee Rebecca, that Myka never would have imagined it either, yet here we are.”

**

They both knew that Abigail would want them to take the day off, to sleep, to get a start on recuperating after three and a half months on the road, to not step foot in the studio for at least a week, yet that’s exactly where they were. Myka wanted to pick up some of things that she had left at the studio over the summer, figuring that even if they didn’t want her working in the studio, she could work from home, and no one would have to know. Sam said he wanted to talk to Abigail about a few things, but he didn’t go into specifics. Myka figured he was already working through next steps in his mind, and wanted to get a word in early about what he thought should happen now. 

On her way down to her writing room, Myka ran into Giselle carrying what seemed to be a box containing most of the things from her office.

“Giselle, hey. What’s all this?” Myka was genuinely curious. Her feelings towards Giselle had mellowed slightly through the summer, all the things that had bothered her previously about the woman had started to fade, as her attentions to Sam seemed to have diminished as the tour went on.

“I guess you could call it a difference of opinion with Abigail. Looks like I’m in the market for a new job.” 

Myka heard the note of bitterness biting through Giselle’s words, and she had to admit she was a little shocked, “Abigail _fired_ you?”

Giselle just gave a slight lift of her eyebrows, “Indeed. Anyway, it’s fine. I’ll be alright. It’s probably for the best.” She paused, hesitated, then continued, “Umm..did Sam come in this morning? I…I would just want to say goodbye.”

What could it hurt Myka thought, if she’s leaving anyway, no it couldn’t hurt at all. “Yeah, he’s down the hall, I think he’s in one of the crash rooms. He was looking for Abigail.”

“Ah. Ok. Well, good luck with everything Myka. It’s been a pleasure working with you and Sam.”

Oh I’m sure it has, Myka thought, but she bit back her words of contempt, allowing herself to be somewhat sympathetic, “Thanks, and hey, thank you for everything you did for us. I think…I think you made a difference. Good luck.” Giselle just gave her nod, and continued down the hall adjusting the box in her arms. 

It didn’t take long for Myka to gather the things she was looking for, she shoved them into her bag, and headed back down the hall, in search of Sam, hoping he had found Abigail and gotten everything taken care of, so that they could just go home. Myka knew they needed to take some time, reconnect, regroup, make sure that they were still in one piece after the tour. She knew she needed that time with Sam, and she figured he probably needed it too. She heard his voice echoing softly from one of the writing rooms, and without giving it another thought walked in, not bothering to knock. 

“Well, I can see why you were fired…” Myka had no idea how she managed to keep her voice steady, yet her tone was even, calm almost, as she stared at Giselle peaking over Sam’s shoulder, where he was leaning against her on the opposite wall, seemingly interrupted from his attention to her neck.

Giselle rolled her eyes, “You could say it was a contributing factor.”

“Jesus Christ. I’m an idiot, and I’m leaving. Sam, if you come home, I swear to God I will throw all of your shit into the parking lot.”

That finally got him to move. He had seemed frozen in place, either too shocked or too guilty to do or say anything. Now he launched himself away from the wall towards Myka, reaching for her hand, “Bunny, wait, please…”

Myka pulled her hand out of reach of his touch, away from his fingers that were still warm from another woman’s skin, “Don’t touch me Sam, and don’t you dare give me that Bunny bullshit.”

“Myka…just wait”

“For what Sam?! Wait so I can sit here and listen to all of your excuses? Sit here and listen to all of the reasons this happened? Sit here and have you tell me that you still love me? Sit here and listen to whatever lies you’re cooking up in your head. No. No, I’m done.” She turned to go, leaving Sam head hung in the doorway. She had barely gone three steps before she turned back around, “Just tell me one thing. How long?”

Sam’s voice was barely audible, “Since June…”

Myka’s breath escaped her lungs in a deep rush, “Jesus…three and half months. Basically the whole tour. God, yes, I’m definitely an idiot, sitting here thinking things were better.” She took in a gulp of breath, willing her voice not to break, wishing that the tears that were building up in her eyes wouldn’t fall, though she was powerless to stop them. “All those late nights out with the guys, huh? All those nights that I didn’t ask a damn question, when you crawled into bed with me at three in the morning, just figuring you were enjoying being on the road. All those times when you said you loved me, and you were screwing her. Jesus…fuck you, Sam.” This time when she walked away, she made it out the door, furiously wiping at her cheeks, scrambling for her keys, wanting to get as far away from this godforsaken city as possible.

**

Pete answered the door in full exuberance before she could even knock, “Mykes!” His face dropped immediately upon seeing the tears still streaming down her cheeks, “Oh my God, Myka,” he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, as she proceeded to drown her sobs into his chest, trying desperately to gulp for air. Pete’s hand ran down the back of her head, “Shh..oh Mykes, c’mon come inside, you don’t need to do this on our front porch.” He kept a tight arm around her shoulders and pulled her inside. 

Amanda emerged from the living room, only to stop in her tracks upon seeing the state Myka was in, “What happened?”

Pete just shook his and mouthed to her, “Water,” shooting a glance towards the kitchen. She nodded and went towards the back of the house. Pete finally got Myka settled onto the couch, where she curled into his shoulder, not speaking, but seeming to calm slightly. Amanda came back in and set a tray with three glasses of water on the table, and sat down on Myka’s other side, placing a gentle hand against Myka’s knee. She looked at Pete over Myka’s head, an eyebrow quirked in questioning, Pete just gaped at her, completely at a loss. Finally, Myka’s voice, cracked and watery broke the silence, “Sam’s been cheating on me.”

“What?!” Pete and Amanda’s faces and voices were perfect mirrors of each other.

Myka uncurled from Pete’s shoulder and slumped her head against the back of the couch, “I walked in on him, with Giselle, this morning at the studio. _Apparently,_ I’m the most delusional person on earth, because he was sleeping with her all summer.”

Pete seemed to have sunk into a state of shock, eyes huge, jaw agape. Amanda took hold of Myka’s hand, “I knew there was a reason we all hated that woman.”

Myka gave a half-hearted chuckle, “All of us except Sam apparently.” She sighed, “I should have known, I should have seen it. I mean I _did_ see it, from her at least, she didn’t exactly hide it, but God, I never thought Sam…I just did not expect this.”

“What did he say when you caught him?” Amanda’s voice was soft, an attempt at being soothing.

“Nothing really. I didn’t exactly let him talk. I didn’t want to hear any of it, the excuses, the lies. I told him not to come home, then I asked him how long it’d been happening, he told me, and I left.”

“Oh Myka, I am so sorry,” Amanda squeezed her hand.

“You should have punched him, Mykes, or her! I know for a fact you have a hell of a right hook…” Myka could see the muscle in Pete’s jaw twitch, “Actually screw that, I’m going to go punch him, I might kill him.”

Myka sat up, eyes boring into Pete’s, “No. It’s not worth it Pete.”

“Not worth it? Myka, he doesn’t get to do this to you, not after all the bullshit he’s put you through, after everything you’ve done for him, he doesn’t just get to have whatever he wants.”

“The problem is Pete, he’s already done it. He’s _been_ doing it all summer, I was just too stupid to see it.”

“Mykes, stop. You aren’t stupid, at all, so just stop thinking that right now. There is nothing stupid about trusting the person you love. He is an idiot, he is a lot of other things that I just won’t say right now, because if he thinks he’s going to find someone better than you…”

More tears started streaming down Myka’s cheeks, “I just don’t know what to do…”

Amanda wiped a stray tear off of Myka’s chin, “You don’t have to figure anything out right now.”

“I don’t want to go back there, to the apartment, I don’t want anything to do with him.”

“Then you don’t have to. Myka, you are more than welcome to stay here with us, we have plenty of room. You can stay as long as you need, and when you feel up for it, we’ll go get your stuff, or you can stay here and Pete and I will go get it.”

“You guys don’t have to do that..I can figure something out.”

“Mykes you aren’t going to do this alone, and you’re crazy if you think you’re going to get out of staying here. We’re here Mykes, we can help you with this.”

“I know…I just…God I don’t know how to wrap my mind around any of this.”

“You know what? There will be no mind-wrapping today. Today, I am declaring a no-thinking day. I’m going to go find you some comfy clothes, and we are going to lay around all day, eat really, really terrible food, watch awful, corny movies, and not think for the foreseeable future. Deal?”

Myka chuckled, “Deal.” 

“Good!” Pete jumped up and bounded towards the stairs. This was what Pete did. Anytime she was stressed or upset, he made her press pause. He would force her to watch terrible movies, make really, really bad jokes, and somehow it always worked.

Amanda patted her knee, “I am going to go call work, tell them I’m not coming in tonight. Then I am going to go to the store, because if we let Pete be in charge of food, I don’t think that will be good for either of us.”

“Amanda, please, you don’t have to do that.”

“God you really are stubborn aren’t you? Myka, you can fight us on this all you want, but we’re not going anywhere, and we’re going to do whatever we can to help, and today my help includes not working and making you whatever you want for dinner.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Myka’s head, then gave it a slight push, “So, stop being stubborn and think about what you want to eat. We love you, so you have to put up with us.”

Though part of her hated that Pete and Amanda went to so much trouble over her, she had to admit that the day of thoughtless nothing helped. After the fifth time her phone rang, alternating every fifteen minutes between Rebecca and Abigail, Pete took it and put it in a drawer in the kitchen. She tried to stop him, even though she had no intention of answering anyone’s calls, but he just tucked it into his pocket and walked out of the room, “You’re allowed space Mykes. They need to respect that, and I’m tired of hearing it buzzing.”

The next day, however, when Amanda had returned to work, and Pete was at wrestling practice, Myka steeled her courage, and figured, it was better to get it over with, and at least let people know that she was alive. She pulled her phone from the drawer, where it blinked twenty missed calls at her, fifteen from Abigail, four from Rebecca, and one from Sam. She looked at the time stamps. Abigail and Rebecca seemed to have given up by mid-afternoon, thankfully getting the message that she wasn’t going to pick up. Sam’s call however was listed at 1:15 AM, and he was the only one who had left a voicemail. She took a deep breath, and pressed the button to listen.

There was a long pause where she could just hear breathing, until finally Sam’s voice came through, quiet, hesitant, he might have been crying but she couldn’t be sure, _“Myka, it’s me. I know I shouldn’t have called, I probably shouldn’t be leaving this message. I don’t know if you’ll even listen to it, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, but I’m sitting here and I’m just staring at your stuff, at your boots that are just so casually laying by the door, at your book sitting on the nightstand, everything so normal, just waiting for you to come home, and God, Myka I am so sorry. I know I have no right to say that to you, that you don’t want to hear it, but I am. I am so, so sorry. Anyway, if at any point you do want to talk, just call, and well, if you don’t want to talk, but need to come pick up some things, just let me know and I can clear out and give you some space to do whatever you need to.”_ There was another long pause, as though he was considering saying more, but instead he just abruptly ended, _“Bye Myka.”_

She hated that she took some small comfort in knowing that he was upset, yet at the same time, she felt a twinge of indignation. What right did he have to be upset? He wasn’t the one who got hurt here, and if he did indeed feel hurt, well it was no one’s fault but his own. She knew she needed to get her stuff, but figured she would wait until Pete got home and they could figure out how exactly to do that. Whatever Sam thought might happen in the aftermath, Myka knew for certain that there was no going back from this. She wasn’t going to be that girl who listened to the apologies and hoped that it would all get better. No, she was done. She was heartbroken and she missed him, but she was done, she had to be, which brought her to the phone call she had to make.

“Myka! Oh thank God…” Abigail sounded panicked and relieved all at once.

“Hey. Sorry I didn’t call yesterday, I just wasn’t feeling up to it, and Pete kind of put my phone on lockdown.”

“Not a problem. I’m just glad you called now, I was worried about you. I didn’t know where you went, I wasn’t sure if you were ok. Are you at Pete’s?”

“I am. I drove down after I left yesterday. I think I’m going to stay here for a bit, until I can figure out what to do. Anyway, this isn’t exactly a conversation I want to have over the phone. Are you busy?”

Abigail gave a small laugh, “Not really, there isn’t much for me to do at the moment…”

Myka cringed, they had told Abigail from the beginning that they probably wouldn’t make her life easy, little did they know just how difficult they were going to make things. “Right. Well, can we get together? Talk? I could meet you halfway, save you the drive.”

The relief in Abigail’s voice was palpable, “Absolutely. Where do you want to meet?”

“Somewhere in Castle Rock would probably be easiest…”

“We could meet at Crowfoot Valley. Grab some coffee?”

“That sounds good. I can leave whenever, if you’re free now…”

“I can leave now. So see you in about 45 minutes?”

“Ok. I’ll see you there.”

The closer she got, the more nervous Myka felt. She had spent most of the afternoon putting things together, and the conclusions she had come to were what made her realize that she needed to talk to Abigail. She just hated that the conversation that was coming wasn’t going to be pleasant, for either of them. She didn’t want to lose Abigail. Despite their professional ties, Myka had come to see her as more of a friend than a manager, and she was worried that the results of this conversation would rupture whatever they had built between them, but Myka needed answers, no matter how much they were going to hurt. Abigail was already there when she arrived, two cups of coffee set before her on the table. When Myka approached she moved as though to get up and give her a hug, but then seemed to think better of it, and remained where she was, simply pushing Myka’s coffee towards her when she sat down.

Myka had rehearsed what she wanted to say the entire drive, but now sitting in front of Abigail, all those words disappeared. Seeing the bags under Abigail’s eyes, her nails bitten to the quick, facing that reality, Myka didn’t really know what to say beyond the obvious, “You look about as good as I feel at the moment Abigail.”

Thankfully, Abigail laughed, “I know, I look like hell, I’m not really fit for the public eye at the moment.”

“Well, that makes two of us I guess.”

Abigail grimaced, and Myka lapsed into silence, taking constant sips of her coffee simply for an excuse to have something to do. Finally, Myka couldn’t stand the quiet any longer, though her voice when it emerged was barely audible, “You knew didn’t you?”

Tears immediately rimmed Abigail’s eyes, “I did.”

Myka nodded, biting down on her bottom lip in some attempt to keep her composure, “Once I actually allowed myself to think about it, I realized you had to have, otherwise why else would have fired her? How long did you know Abigail?” 

Abigail tugged at her ponytail, “I found out in Atlanta.”

“Atlanta,” Myka mentally did the math. Her voice when she continued became accusatory, “So basically, you knew for almost two months, and at no point did you think that it might be something I needed to know?”

Abigail passed a distracted hand over her forehead, over her hair, “It’s not that I didn’t think you needed to know, Myka. I thought…I thought I had it handled.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Handled? Jesus Christ, Abigail, this is… _was_ …my life, it’s not something you can just _handle._ ”

“I know, and Myka, if I could do it all over again, I would have told you immediately, I just…I did what I thought was best.”

“Best?! Abigail, I’m sorry but I don’t see how not telling me about my boyfriend sleeping with another woman was what was _best.”_

A solitary tear rolled into Abigail’s coffee, “I had to get you two through the summer. I. stupidly, told myself that I had gotten things under control, that I had put a stop to it.”

“What do you mean? How could you have put a stop to it?”

“I guess at this point, you deserve the whole story.” Abigail gave a heavy sigh, and began, “I caught them in Atlanta. I had been out later than usual, and I found Sam coming out of her room. I hauled him into my room and made him tell me everything, then I told him that if it didn’t stop I would tell you. I told him that he had to stop, and tell you at the end of the tour that it had happened, and that if I found out he didn’t, then I would. I was going to tell you Myka, I just…”

“You had to get us through the tour…”

“I thought that was the best option. I really thought it had stopped. I had told Giselle too, in no uncertain terms that it was over, I didn’t think I really gave her a choice. Then, after, things seemed like they were back to normal. You guys seemed happy, and so I thought it was over.”

Myka thought back over the summer. Abigail was right, there was a distinctive shift in Sam’s behavior the back half of the tour, she could well understand how Abigail thought she had gotten through to him. “You’re right. Thinking back on it, he seemed to have changed at some point, I mean I know I had told myself that things were back to normal. He seemed better, I guess they just developed a better plan to hide things.”

“Myka if I had known…I would have kept up my end of the deal I made with him, I would have told you. The day I fired Giselle, I was actually sitting in my office getting ready to call you, when I heard you yelling, and then I realized I was too late.”

“Why were you getting ready to call me?”

“Making good on my promise. The last night of the tour, I saw them, again, and I told Sam that I was telling you. I wanted to get things in order before I did, so I fired Giselle immediately the next morning, and then I was going to tell you, but Sam beat me to it. I promise you Myka, you were my next call. I wasn’t going to keep you in the dark anymore.”

“I think…I think it’s been easier for me, at this point, to find other people to blame, other than Sam, because if I really allow myself to think about it, about what he’s done, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it.”

“It’s understandable. I mean, no one should have to deal with something like this in a normal relationship, let alone when there are other factors involved.”

“Other factors like work you mean?”

Abigail sighed, “Exactly.”

“How does all of this work now anyway?”

“Myka we don’t have to talk about any of that now.”

“No, I want to. I need to know what to be prepared for. Are we going to end up with some sort of breach of contract issue if we break up?”

“I think those are questions better asked of Jack and Rebecca.”

“Abigail, just tell me.”

Abigail met her gaze, “It’s complex. Honestly, given the circumstances, I don’t think that Jack and Rebecca would put you through any sort of legal hassles with your contract. They care about you both too much to do that to you, and I actually think at this point you’ve met your current contract’s obligations so don’t worry about that.”

“There’s a but coming at some point right?”

Abigail looked away, “Yes.”

“So what is it?”

“The media fallout. I mean before this summer, before this album, you probably would have been able to deal with all of this quietly, but now, well now, it’s not something that will just go away quietly. There will be questions, and more unwanted attention than you can probably process. There will have to be official statements, and it just sometimes gets messy.”

“Is there a way to avoid any of that?”

Abigail chuckled, “You could not break up, as a group at least.”

Myka sighed, “That’s not possible.”

“I know it’s not. The only other possibility is if we just say you’re taking some time off, kind of like what we did last year when you were writing. We could say that after this size of a tour, you’re both taking some time to regroup. It doesn’t have to say anything about you both as a couple, but officially it would avoid the conversation of you no longer being together professionally or personally.”

“A break essentially.”

“Yes, you’re taking a professional break.”

“Do you think that will actually work?”

Abigail paused for the briefest of moments, “It will serve as an adequate stopgap until we can figure out the best way to deal with this, and it will hopefully soften the blow and attention when it does come out.”

“Can you…can you talk to Sam about all of this? I’m just not ready to deal with any of that, at least not yet.”

“Absolutely. Consider it my final duty as your manager, I’ll make sure everything is put together at the label, go over the plan with Jack and Rebecca, and when the time comes, I’ll take care of all the necessary announcements. They will probably want to talk to you at some point, just to touch base.”

“I know, I figured I would call them tomorrow, get things started a little. Abigail? Thank you, for doing all of this.”

Abigail rolled her eyes, and wiped away another stray tear, “Please, Myka, do not thank me, for anything. If I would have known where this would all end up…I would have done so many things differently.”

Myka chuckled, “I think we all would have, but I wasn’t exactly planning on my life falling apart, so it’s hard to see these things coming.”

Abigail reached across the table, tentatively grabbing Myka’s hand, “Myka, please do not let this…” She paused, as if uncertain how to put into words all the things she hoped this situation didn’t cause to happen for Myka. When she started over, her voice was cracking, laced with emotion she couldn’t quite express, “You…you are one of the most talented people I have ever had the privilege of working with, and I just hope that this doesn’t stop you from, well, being _you._ You don’t need Sam. You are…you are fantastic just like you are, and I hope that someday, when all of this has faded into the background a bit, you make a new start with it. Without…without your music, your words, well let’s just say I think the world will be a lonelier place without it.” 

Myka turned away, for some reason unwilling to let Abigail see the tears in her eyes. She gave herself enough time to be able to speak without losing control, but she never let go of Abigail’s hand, the hand that was gripping hers so tightly, “Thank you. Right now, it all feels a bit impossible, to be honest, but no, I won’t stop, I just need some time to figure out how to get started again is all.”

They sat in silence. There wasn’t really much else left to say, but Myka feared that all of this signaled some kind of permanent end to a part of her life that she simply wasn’t willing to let go of yet. When Abigail made a move to reach for her bag, like she was ready to leave, Myka reached back for her hand, “Abigail, wait.”

Abigail stilled her movements, and turned back to fully face Myka.

Myka took a deep breath, “Abigail, I really don’t have any words to properly thank you for all that you have done, and I don’t just mean as our manager. You are so much more than that. You have kept me from falling down more times than I can count. I would _never_ have been able to do any of this without you, I never would have survived. If there is anything in all of this that I won’t regret for one second, it is that this whole crazy thing brought you into my life. I just hope that when all of this quiets down, you’ll still be there.”

Now Abigail allowed herself to move and finally hug Myka, pulling her up from her chair and holding her tightly, “I will be. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, you will always have me.”

The tears Myka had been holding back finally fell onto Abigail’s shoulder, all she could say was a muffled, watery, “Good,” into Abigail’s shirt, before her tears kept her from saying more.

Abigail slowly released her, tugging on her elbow, “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car, otherwise everyone in here is going to think we’re crazy.”

Myka laughed, wiping at her cheeks and grabbing her purse, “I feel a little crazy, so I guess I can’t blame them.”

They parted at Myka’s car, offering each other a few more hugs and promises of staying in contact, yet it didn’t keep Myka from feeling, as she drove back to Colorado Springs, that a chapter, a very significant chapter, of her life had just ended in that parking lot.

The next day, after coordinating with Pete and Amanda, Myka steeled her courage to finally text Sam, keeping things as simple and to the point as possible.

_“Hey—I was wondering if it would be possible for Pete and I to come up and get my stuff on Saturday?”_

She held her breath, waiting. She didn’t want this to turn into some _thing,_ like her text would make Sam think that it was a step towards communication, like it might be an invitation to talk. All she wanted was to get her stuff without having to see him, and then go back to desperately trying to forget any of this had happened. Amanda kept telling her how pointless that was, and that it wasn’t healthy, but at the moment, Myka wanted nothing to do with healthy or productive, she wanted to drown herself in denial, praying that maybe it would all just go away. Her phone vibrated in her hand, nervous fingers opened up the message.

_“Sure. I can clear out for the day, you won’t have to see me. Do you want me to box anything up for you?”_

Myka scoffed, as if boxing up her things could begin to make up for the pain, for the fact that she was having to move out of their apartment, their home in the first place.

_“No, it’s fine. I’ll take care of it when I get there. Is there anything you don’t want me to take? I mean should we talk about how to divide things up?”_

How do you divide up six years together? How do you decide who gets to keep what? What do you do with the things you picked out together, that neither of you probably want anymore? How do you box up a life that was supposed to last so much longer than this?

_“No, please, just take whatever you want to take, leave the rest, and I’ll take care of it. I don’t…just we don’t have to do that.”_

So that’s that. Six years and it’s up to her to decide what’s important and what isn’t, what might mean something to him that would mean nothing to her, up to her to figure out how to break up their life, even though Sam was the one who had destroyed it.

_“Ok. We’ll probably be there around 9, just so we have enough time.”_

_“Take as much time as you need Myka.”_

This was impossible. Sam’s desperation to be the good guy was practically screaming through the phone, grasping at whatever straws available to him to try and make this better, or at least more tolerable.

_“I’ll let you know when we’re done, and just leave my keys on the counter.”_

Leave the keys on the counter and leave our entire life together behind, like it will just be so easy, something that can be planned in a few simple text messages, like it can become clean, not this disastrous mess that Myka felt was eating away at her insides. Sure, let’s just try and make this simple.

**

In actuality, it ended up being simple, or at least simpler, than Myka imagined it being. Along with all of her things, Myka boxed up her emotions, taped them down so tight there was no escaping, and by sheer force of will managed through the day without shedding one tear. Pete kept shooting her sidelong glances, as if waiting for her to collapse, to fall apart into some heap of an uncontrollable mess, but she didn’t allow it. No, she would get through the day in one piece. So even when she boxed up her entire shelf of journals, filled with songs and notes for songs and scribbles of Sam’s writing when he was trying to distract her, she did not cry. Even when she pulled her pillow off of the bed, ridding it of its sheet that smelled too much like Sam, she did not cry. Even when she, in a moment of weakness, pocketed one of Sam’s picks which were scattered around the apartment, she did not cry. Even as she took one lone framed picture of them on stage, a moment captured when they were truly happy, even when she wrapped it in bubble wrap, and placed it lovingly in a box with her books, no not even then did she cry. Even as she undid her keychain and took one last look at the apartment that had become her home, mostly because Sam was there, she did not cry. Pete packed her entire life into the back of a U-haul, and she followed behind him in her car stuffed full of boxes of books. It was only then, as she drove alone back towards a world she thought she had left, as she took one last look in the rearview mirror at the apartment they had picked out because it had a balcony with a view of the mountains, as she looked at their blue door that Sam had loved so much, only then as she toyed with the pick sitting in her pocket did Myka allow herself to cry for everything that she had lost.

**

_Colorado Springs, Colorado—Summer 2007_

“Mykes, do you really want to do this?” Pete shoved a french fry into his mouth, curling it around his incredulous tone.

“You don’t have to Myka,” Amanda smirked at the fry poking out of Pete’s mouth, “You are so weird, by the way.”

“I know, but you love me, and if you start talking about me, she” he pointed his next fry towards Myka, “will use it as an excuse to avoid the conversation we are trying to have with her.”

Myka took a bite of her salad, “I’m just sitting here trying to eat my lunch, I’m not avoiding anything.”

“Mykes, I’m serious.”

“I know you are Pete, and I’m telling you that I can handle it.”

“I don’t doubt that you can handle it, I’m asking if it’s what you actually _want_ to do?”

“If I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t be, you know that. It’s not like he’s forcing me to see him, I’m going willingly.”

Amanda gave her a skeptical look, “But why now? It’s been almost a year since you’ve even talked to him, let alone seen him, it just seems like it’s kind of out of the blue.”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, “It’s not that out of the blue.”

Pete’s eyes went wide, “How long have you been talking to him?”

“Not that long, a few weeks maybe, and I really wouldn’t call it talking. We’ve texted a few times, that’s all.”

Pete’s tone turned dark, “Mykes, I swear to God if you tell me you are getting back together with him…”

“No! No, just no. That’s not even on my radar, Pete, trust me. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s still with _her_ so…. we just need to talk about work, and we thought it might be best to do that in person.”

“Myka,” Amanda raised a questioning eyebrow at her, “do you really think this is a good idea. I mean, things have been going so well, do you really want to risk it?”

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I’m serious, we do have to figure out what to do about work. That whole we’re taking a break to regroup thing can only last so long. We have to figure out how we’re going to handle it.”

“You can’t do that over the phone?”

“Pete, will you, will you both, just trust me on this? If I didn’t think I could handle it, or that it wasn’t a good idea, I wouldn’t be doing it.”

“Myka, we do trust you, we just don’t want to see you get hurt again,” Amanda practically had concern radiating off of her.

“Yeah, Mykes, we’re just looking out for you.”

“And I appreciate that, I really, really do, but this is just something that I have to do.” She glanced at her watch, “Actually, it’s something that I have to do soon, so I had better go. I will see you guys tonight.” She stood and laid her money on the table. 

Pete pushed out his chair in a rush, wrapping her in a hug, whispering, “You need anything, I’m there, in a heartbeat, ok?”

She gave him a tight squeeze, “I know.”

He sat back down and he and Amanda watched Myka walk away. When she was out of earshot, Amanda leaned into Pete’s shoulder, “Do you really think she’s going to be ok?”

“I sure as hell hope so. If not, I may just kill him.”

**

Myka had almost told Sam that she didn’t want to meet at Pikes Peak, fearing it might be too hard to see him in such a familiar setting when nothing else about their situation was familiar anymore. Yet, she wondered if maybe it wouldn’t be another step in the right direction towards moving on with her life, so reluctantly she had consented. She was early, so she ordered her coffee, and in the name of moving forward, a chai for Sam. She tried to ignore the questioning look from Wolly, whom they hadn’t seen in far too long, but she begged off his questions and headed to the back and their usual table. Sam wasn’t too far behind her, and when he walked in Myka fought back against the twinge she felt in her stomach. She took a deep breath, willing herself to be able to deal with this without incident. 

Sam sat down offering her a sheepish grin as she pushed his coffee towards him, “Thanks, you didn’t have to…”

“I figured I got here first, it’s not like I didn’t know what you’d order anyway.”

Sam chuckled, “True.” There was a beat of silence that bordered on awkward, neither of them willing to look at the other full on, both fidgeting in their seats seeking a comfort that wasn’t possible. Finally Sam spoke up, “So…how are things?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “Pretty good, I guess. Still kind of trying to figure everything out, what I want to do next. I can’t live with Pete and Amanda forever, though at this point, I’m not sure they’d let me leave.”

“You were always the one that joked about Pete not letting go when he latched on.”

Myka smirked, “This is very, very true.”

“How is he? How’s Amanda?”

“They’re really good, sickeningly good actually. She’s good for him, he’s happy, which is all you could really ask for.”

“He’s still…”

“Oh yeah, five years in May. He’s doing fantastic.”

“Good.”

More silence. Myka didn’t know what she really expected, but she realized she should have been more prepared for how awkward this was bound to be. “How’s Denver?”

“Ok, kind of boring honestly, not a whole lot going on when you aren’t really working or anything.”

Myka took a deep breath, wishing she could fight down the question pushing towards the surface, yet just wanting to get it out, “How’s Giselle?”

Sam flushed, “Oh umm…I’m not really sure actually.”

Myka raised an eyebrow, “That’s not still happening?”

Sam looked away from her, speaking quietly, “No, we split up a few months ago.”

Myka nodded, “Ah, well, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m not really, but it would be impolite to not say it.”

Sam chuckled, “You and your manners. Anyway, I would vote for not talking about Giselle, probably best all the way around.”

“Agreed. So, to change the topic, I guess we should probably talk about work.”

“Yeah, probably for the best. Have you talked to Abby lately?”

Myka rolled her eyes, only Sam could get away with calling Abigail, Abby, “Yesterday, actually. I told her we were going to talk, and that I’d let her know how that went.”

“So you guys have stayed in touch?”

“For the most part, I haven’t seen her in a bit, but we talk fairly often.”

Sam smiled, “She always had a soft spot for you. I think she mostly tolerated me.”

Myka chuckled, “I think she knew I needed a little bit more managing than you.”

Apropos of nothing, Sam blurted, “Do you miss it?”

Myka stared into her coffee, “Sometimes. I mean, I’m still writing, not as much, but a little, though it’s just not really the same. I can’t say I really miss the touring and all the chaos, but I miss the rest of it. What about you?”

He didn’t even hesitate, “All the time. Myka, I hate that I caused this, that I destroyed what we had worked so hard to build. I mean I pushed so hard for us to get this far, and then when we were there, I completely fucked everything up.”

“Can we,” Myka’s voice cracked and she cleared her throat, “can we just not really talk about that? Can we just talk about work, about what we want to do?”

Sam looked at her apologetically, “Yeah, definitely. Sorry. So, what do you want to do? Do we finally go public with all of this?”

“Is that what you want to do?”

“What other options do we have? I mean, I guess I didn’t figure you were up for anything else.”

Myke sighed, “I don’t know. I might be, I think I could be. I do miss it, the music, I just don’t know how we do that with how things are.”

Sam’s eyes sparkled, “We could start slow, small, maybe just try writing a little bit, see what happens?”

“Do you think we can still be us without really being _us?_ ”

Sam shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe not, but I think it’s worth a try. I mean, sure it won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it still couldn’t work.”

“Well, then I think we give it a try, it’ll probably take a little bit of time, but what the hell right?”

“Right. So what are you going to tell Abby?”

“That we’re working on things, that we’re going to start writing again, and see what happens. I’m sure she can stall a little bit more, before we really have to make some kind of decision. I mean bands take breaks all the time.”

Sam laughed, “God we’ve put that woman through the ringer.”

“We warned her about that right off the bat, she knew what she was in for.”

“I doubt she expected any of this.”

Myka sighed through a laugh, “No, probably not.”

Sam just shook his head, “So, how do we do this?”

Myka shrugged, “I have no idea. I guess, how about we meet up next week? Same time, here? See what happens?”

“Sounds good.” When Sam looked at Myka, it was almost like seeing a glimpse of his old self, his old life, “Myka, thank you for doing this. For even agreeing to see me, in the first place.”

Myka turned away, unable to look at Sam as he looked now, so much like how he used to, when things were new and exciting, without any of the pressure or the pain, “You’re welcome. I’m…I’m glad we’re doing this.”

“Me too.”

**

_Colorado Springs, Colorado, Pikes Peak Coffee, Fall 2007_

“So, I have an idea, and you can totally say no, but I’ve been thinking about it, and well, I just figured it couldn’t hurt to mention it.”

Myka looked up skeptically from her notebook, “Ok…”

Sam slid his hand through his hair, ruffling it slightly, “Well, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like this has been going really well, and I was thinking, maybe in the winter, we could do a small tour sort of thing.”

Myka’s eyes grew large.

“No, no, nothing big, Myka, nothing like it used to be. Just clubs around here, Denver, Boulder. Just something small, intimate, get back to our roots sort of thing. It could be a nice jumping off point for a new beginning. Let people hear our new stuff, show that we’re moving in a different direction, and it might allow us get a better feel for how this might go.”

Myka twirled her pencil around her fingers.

“You don’t have to say anything now…”

She shook her head, “No, it’s fine. I actually think it sounds like a good idea. I mean, we can’t just keep writing and not really doing anything about it can we? Plus, we are still supposed to only be on hiatus, which says it has to end at some point, so why not end it quietly, not make a huge fuss, but still get back out there?”

Sam practically beamed, “Do you think Abigail might be willing to help put it together?”

“I think so. She is still our manager after all, might not be a bad idea to actually give her some work to do.”

“What about Jack and Rebecca? How do you think they’ll feel about it?”

Myka sighed, “I think they always want what’s best for us, so if we think it’s what we should do, they’ll go along. I’m sure they’ll be happy we haven’t decided to completely throw in the towel, I mean, we are still their artists, and there are business aspects of all of this to consider.”

“Right. We’ll probably have some contract renegotiating to do.”

“Probably, but let’s see how this whole thing works out first before we go there. Let’s just get them on board with this step and we’ll deal with the rest later.”

“Same old Myka, always the voice of reason,” Sam smirked.

She rolled her eyes, “Well, someone has to be.”

The sat in silence for awhile after that, both lost in thought and their own work until Myka heaved what was probably her fourth heavy sigh in as many minutes. Sam looked up at her, “For the love of God woman, what is it?”

Myka laughed, “Sorry, I just have this one line stuck in my head, but I have _nothing,_ absolutely nothing, to go with it. It’s driving me insane.”

Sam tugged at her notebook, “Let me see it.”

She quirked an eyebrow at him, “You work on lyrics? Sam Martino, actually writing? Look out, the world might be ending.”

“Oh hush, and just give it here.”

She shoved the notebook towards him. He looked down at what she’d scribbled over and over in different patterns, different sizes all over the page. He shot her an incredulous look, “Trying to tell me something?”

She rolled her eyes, “Maybe. I don’t know, it’s just stuck in my mind, and I can’t help but think it has the potential to fit with something.”

Sam looked back down at the paper, tracing Myka’s words with his fingertip, _“I don’t love, but I always will.”_ He drummed his fingers against the table, “Well I guess no time like the present to make the most out of our…change of situation.” He thought for a moment, then pulled the pencil from Myka’s fingers, scribbling down a few words and pushing the book back towards her.

_“You only know what I want you to.”_

Sam gave her a sheepish smile, “If we’re going for honesty, why not go all the way, right?”

She nodded back at him, chuckling, “Right. I mean let’s face it break-ups are lyrical fodder, it’d be a shame to not use it to our advantage.” She began writing, and pushed the book back to the middle of the table, “I can’t say I’ve ever written a song this way, but whatever works.”

_“I know everything you don’t want me to.”_

Sam looked at her lyrical response, smiled, and said, “New beginnings, I suppose.”

They continued on like this, trading lines back and forth, giving each other the space to write the feelings that they hadn’t been willing to say to each other to this point. Myka had been unwilling to talk about what had happened between them, but writing about it seemed easier, more manageable. Myka gave him words like, _“You think your dreams are the same as mine,”_ letting her pain over their differing thoughts on how their life should have gone come out. Sam volleyed back with things like, _“I don’t have a choice but I’d still choose you,”_ his regret over decisions made and desires to go back in time scratching across the paper. In the end, Myka wondered if they shouldn’t have been writing this way the entire time they had been together, but realized it was pointless to wish that time could roll back. Rather, she decided it was better to appreciate what they seemed to be rebuilding. It would be different, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be good. When they gathered up their things to leave, song finished, each promising to come back next week with instrumental possibilities, Sam reached for contact that Myka hadn’t allowed the entire time they had been talking. This time, Myka didn’t pull away from the hug, finally feeling as though she had moved on enough to not crumble at Sam’s touch. She realized as he held her for the briefest of seconds that it was the first time he had touched her in almost a year and a half. That realization stung, and then it went away, and Myka realized it didn’t hurt, not really, not in the way she expected. She returned his embrace, content that she didn’t feel like falling apart, content that she also didn’t feel overwhelmed by missing him. As they parted ways on the sidewalk, Myka realized that the line she had started the night with, was probably the truest statement she would ever write, at least when it came to Sam. She didn’t love him, not anymore, not like she used to, yet some part of her, always, always would.

**

Jack and Rebecca had practically jumped out of their chairs when they presented them with their idea for a winter tour. They felt it was the right call, something small, something without any pressure, just a chance for them to get back to their roots, figure out who they could be in a different context. They were pleased to hear that they had some new material, and said they’d be happy to discuss options once the new year came around. They wanted the two of them to figure out if this was what they wanted still before making any rash decisions. So it was that with Jack and Rebecca’s blessing, Abigail went about making discrete phone calls to clubs that would be most suited to what they were aiming for. In the end, she presented them with a three week plan of twelve dates throughout December, scattered around Denver, Boulder, and Fort Collins, culminating in a two night show at the Regents. 

The response was overwhelming. Abigail suggested to the club owners that it was best to not do tickets, but go by word of mouth, encourage the feeling that this was a relaxed thing, not an elaborate “comeback” event. The shows were first come, first serve, and there wasn’t a single night that they played to a less than full crowd. Everyone was somewhat shocked, but immensely relieved and thrilled to discover that Myka and Sam had indeed not disappeared off the face of the earth, as had been feared. The crowds were so excited to see them back out on the road together, that they didn’t seem to mind that they had only a handful of new music. Mostly, they played what people wanted to hear, and that worked for them. Overall, it was nice, relaxing even, just the two of them, no big band behind them, no pressure, everything casual and calm. There were times that Myka felt like they were back in college just starting out. However, it didn’t change the fact that things were _different._ There could be no denying that they sounded great, that the shows were successful, but there could also be no denying that they were no longer the Myka and Sam that people knew. Their onstage intimacy was different, and while the crowds didn’t seem to mind, it made Myka feel that push and pull of living two separate lives that had once characterized so much of her life on tour towards the end. She loved playing again, but it didn’t diminish the difficulty of trying to figure out who they were now that they were no longer together, but still needed to be close and connected and _them_ on stage. Singing words of songs they wrote when they were in love with each other, when they were happy, it took effort, effort that was exhausting, effort that Myka wasn’t sure would ever go away. She was at least thankful that Sam seemed to feel it too, that he wasn’t the same old Sam who would be in denial and claim that everything was fine. Instead, she could see the toll it was taking, and she realized more than anything that that gave them the answer of what their future would be. Maybe they could keep writing together, but at the end of the day, it didn’t seem possible for them to continue being Sam and Myka, when they were no longer truly _Sam and Myka._

As they took one last bow to a completely packed Regents, on the last night of the tour, Sam gave Myka’s hand a squeeze that told her he felt what she felt, that this was probably the last time they would do this, feel this. So they smiled and they waved, savoring what they had created together, etching it into their memories, while already mourning its loss. 

Sam tucked his guitar back into his case, stealing a glance over his shoulder at Myka, leaning against the wall, unsure of what to do, “You alright over there?”

She shrugged, “Just a little sad, I guess.”

He stood and moved to lean next to her, “It was a hell of a last run. At least,” his voice cracked slightly, “at least we went out happy, playing music we were proud of, for me, I’m just glad we got a small, little piece of what used to be.”

Tears slid down Myka’s cheeks, “I had really hoped this would work. I mean, I think it worked, but it just isn’t going to _work,_ is it?”

Sam sighed and slid his hand into hers, “I don’t think so. I want it to. I wanted it to so badly, but it just feels weird, like something is just slightly off.”

“We aren’t us anymore.”

“We aren’t. I’m so sorry Myka, because that is completely my fault, if I hadn’t..”

She squeezed his hand, “Please don’t do this now. We can’t change the past, Sam. There’s no point dwelling on it, when there’s nothing to be done.”

“I know,” he gave what sounded very clearly like a sniffle, and Myka turned to face tear-rimmed eyes.

“Sam, we tried, that’s all we could do,” she placed a palm against his cheek. “If anything, I’m grateful that we got these few weeks to remember, and to have a little bit of what we were. Ultimately, I will be thankful that this is how things end, it’s much better than I ever thought it was going to be.”

Sam leaned into her touch, smiling, “That is very true.” Myka’s hand slid back down into his as he continued, “We did some pretty incredible things, and _I’m_ thankful that I got to do those incredible things with you.”

“Right back at ya Martino.”

He sighed, “So what now?”

She echoed his sigh, “Now? We both go home, process a bit, and then, eventually, we make some phone calls.”

He squeezed her hand one last time, then leaned in and placed a small, light kiss to her forehead, “Thank you, for…well…for so many wonderful, perfect, messed up things.”

She laughed and wiped away a stray tear, “You are one of a kind Martino. I kind of love you, ya know that?”

“I do, and I kind of love you too.” 

“Are you sure you want to drive back to Denver tonight?”

“Yeah, I mean my parents were here tonight and they’re staying at my place, so it makes sense.”

“Right. Ok, well just be careful.”

He picked up his guitar case and gave her a small smile, “Always. Talk in a few days?”

“Yeah. Say hi to your parents for me.”

“Will do,” he gave her one last smile over his shoulder, and then he was gone. Myka took a deep breath, wiped away the last remaining tears on her cheeks, and pushed herself off of the wall. She grabbed her things, and took one last lingering look around the room. Vanessa had decorated the rooms in the back with photos of groups who had played the Regents since it opened. As she walked out the door, her eyes strayed to the one of her and Sam, smiles wide, her at her piano, him with his guitar, neither looking at the camera, but at each other. It was from the first time they played the Regents after signing their record deal. They were so young and so happy. Myka ran a soft finger along the frame, and then walked out of the room, knowing she was leaving a part of her life behind, a part she never anticipated losing. Later, she would think back on that moment, and wish she had never left that room, that she would have just locked the door and shut out the world, because that feeling, that feeling of loss mixed with contentment, that feeling of her and Sam as they were, that was a feeling she would wish over and over and over again to have back, though it adamantly refused to return.

**

Myka returned to her apartment late. She had stayed at the Regents for awhile, talking with Vanessa, for some reason hesitant to leave, to go home. She realized she was really just trying to delay the inevitable, the fact that once she walked out of the Regents that night, it was truly over. Yet, eventually she did leave, and walked into the darkness of her apartment unsure of what to do with herself. She had moved out of Pete and Amanda’s when she and Sam had started talking again, figuring that maybe it was a sign that she might need to be closer to Denver again. Plus, she wasn’t quite ready to fully move back to Colorado Springs, it felt like an admission of failure at the time, like she really was admitting that her career was probably over. So, she had leased a small place in Monument, figuring it was far enough away from both cities that it didn’t indicate a sense of loyalty or decision one way or the other. Mostly, she really just wanted to stop infringing upon Pete and Amanda’s space. She wasn’t wholly sold on her new place, and now that she and Sam had reached an agreement, she wondered if a return to Colorado Springs might be just what she needed to make a new start. She sighed as she dropped her bags near the door, those weren’t thoughts for tonight, they were decisions to be made later. For now, for tonight, she was going to have a glass of wine, and go to bed. Exhaustion was pulling at her limbs, she felt wrung out, physically and emotionally, and just wanted to seep into unconsciousness for a few hours to escape from it all. She drank her wine, and collapsed into bed, not even bothering to read or watch tv before she slept, not even bothering to set an alarm, or to even think to put her phone on silent. 

It was this realization that hit her first when her phone rang at 3 AM, that it shouldn’t be _ringing,_ because she never left her phone on at night. So, why was it ringing so loudly and who the hell was calling her at three in the morning? She fumbled for it, vaguely recognizing the name on the screen before answering, sleepily, incredulously, “Abigail? It’s 3 AM…”

The stuttering, shaking breath that she heard come through the phone made her sit bolt upright, heart pounding, a cold sweat broken out on her forehead, “Abigail, what is it? What’s wrong?”

She was met with silence. Finally, Abigail’s voice came through, shaking, quiet, trying so desperately to hold it together, “Myka…”

“Abigail, what is it?!” Desperation and fear were clawing at Myka’s insides.

“I am so sorry. It’s…it’s Sam. You…you need to come to Denver.”

“What happened?” Myka moved from her bed without thinking, tossing on clothes at random, with images of a night, so similar, yet so long ago, when it was Pete’s voice coming through the phone, sounding just like Abigail’s.

“You should just get up here.”

Myka stopped with one shoe on, the other dangling from her fingers, “Abigail, you need to tell me what’s going on right now.”

“There was an accident. He’s…he’s gone, Myka.”

Her shoe fell to the floor, but she didn’t even notice. She just kept walking, walking out the door, towards her car that would take her to a cold, white, too bright hospital room, where she would face the reality that her life as she had once known it was completely and totally over. She would notice nothing else but that cold, dark reality, until Pete would come up to her hours later, and hold up a pair of sneakers, and whisper to her questioning glance, “Mykes, you’re only wearing one shoe…” She would look down at her feet, one clad in a boot, the other frigid and dirty from the snow she had apparently walked through, and then she would fall onto Pete’s chest, another wave of body-wracking sobs pulsing through her as she strangled out, “I was putting my shoes on when Abigail…told me.”

The last thing she would remember of the next few hours and days was Pete running a hand through her curls, damp from his own tears, whispering, “I know, Mykes, I know…” After that everything was dark, blurry, blank, a stark metaphor for what Myka’s life had become in the early morning hours of that cold December day.


	7. Shattered (Turn the Car Around)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some pulling away and some pushing forward, and maybe, hopefully, Myka says a few things that really, really are overdue to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a timeline note: This chapter picks up the day after Helena and Myka's afternoon out, so pretty much where Chapter 5 left off. 
> 
> Song for this chapter is by OAR.

_Colorado Springs—December 2010_

Helena had been fighting all day to stop thinking about what she had heard the night before. She opened herself up to any and all distractions possible, reading, cleaning, writing, even going so far as to call home and talk to her parents for longer than usual, all the while counting down the minutes until she had to leave for Claudia’s, so they could talk before they needed to be at Pete and Amanda’s. Pete was unbelievably adamant about these band dinners, claiming that they were good for them, giving them time to be together without rehearsing. Helena secretly felt that Pete simply did it for an excuse to eat copious amounts of food, particularly food cooked by his girlfriend, because the reality was, they all hung out together, outside of “work” far more than Pete was willing to admit. The night proved to be blissfully distracting, between dinner and Claudia and Pete’s insistence that they play at least three rounds of Clue, the night flew by with barely two thoughts given over to Myka and the day before. Helena had never been so thankful that she was arriving home late, delighting in the fact that she could easily go to bed without it seeming pathetic, and sleep away the sounds of Myka’s voice that had begun to echo through her head again immediately upon stepping foot in her apartment. 

As she was pulling out her pajamas, contemplating the helpfulness of a bath before bed, her phone buzzed.

_“Hey—I know it’s late, but any chance you might be up for a run?”_

Helena’s brow crinkled. It was 10:30 at night, why on earth would Myka be wanting to run now? On top of that, why on earth would she be desirous of Helena’s company for a run at this hour of the night? Despite her questions, she shoved her pajamas back into the drawer, pulling open another and gathering up workout clothes.

_“Sure. Are you alright?”_

Helena changed her clothes as she waited for a response, her mind circling around what could have possibly happened to inspire the idea in Myka, while also wondering how she was going to be able to muster the endurance to run when she was still hazy from Amanda’s dinner and starting to feel exhaustion tugging at her muscles. As she pulled her hair into a messy bun her phone buzzed again.

_“Umm…not particularly. It’s been a long day..a really long day..and I just could use to run it out of me. I also could use the company, your company preferably.”_

A blush crept up Helena’s face, which she was grateful no one was there to witness. There was something in Myka’s wording, Helena began to wonder if whatever had happened tonight had something to do with her, if she was willing to be so overt in her desire to see her tonight, instead of waiting the few hours until they would see each other at the store the next day.

_“Then my company you shall have. Gym or the park?”_

AS the winter weather had officially settled in, bringing frigid temperatures and more ice than was particularly safe, they had begun to run at Myka’s gym, Myka’s gym which she had insisted Helena join so that they wouldn’t have to postpone their runs together until spring. Helena had been happy to acquiesce, not wanting to stop running in general just because of the weather, and certainly not wanting to deprive herself of Myka’s company just because of some stupid gym fee. 

_“Gym..definitely the gym, because it is freezing and I have zero desire to run in the dark.”_

At that precise moment, Helena gave a muttered word of thanks for 24 hour gyms with indoor tracks, because if Myka had said outside, well she wouldn’t have said no, but she certainly would have feared for her ability to survive a run in single-digit temperatures.

_“Righty-ho then. Meet you in 15?”_

_“I’ll see you there…thank you Helena.”_

_“Anytime darling.”_

Helena’s mind raced as she drove the short distance to the gym, worry and curiosity nestling into her stomach unpleasantly. None of her feelings were assuaged upon arriving and seeing Myka. She was leaning against a wall of the lobby, toes tapping, nail already bitten to the quick between her teeth. Her head snapped up the second Helena had opened the door, and upon seeing Helena there, she had launched herself off the wall, and practically flung herself into Helena’s arms. Helena had to reach for the door frame to steady herself and keep from banging her water bottle against Myka’s back, while curling her other arm around Myka. Once she was balanced, she fully enclosed Myka in her arms, squeezing her tightly. She heard Myka give a deep breath as she tightened her arms, a sound that hung with relief and anguish. Helena slowly released her, she ran her hands down Myka’s shoulders to her biceps, holding her there, mere inches between them. She had to look up slightly to meet Myka’s gaze, and what she saw in Myka’s face wasn’t what she expected, there was anger flashing behind her eyes, with just a hint of desperation. She squeezed Myka’s arms, and watched as some of the rigid tension ebbed away, “Myka what happened?”

Myka took a deep breath, “Just a really, really bad day, and I will tell you all about it, but can we just run first?”

Helena gave her a soft smile and another light squeeze of her arms, “Of course darling.”

They stretched quickly, then Helena watched as Myka shoved her headphones into her ears, music blaring so loudly that she could actually hear it from where she was leaning down giving one last stretch to her hamstring. She stood, placed her own headphones in her ears, and ushered for Myka to start. It took all of Helena’s effort to match Myka’s pace at first. Despite her desire for company, once they started running, Myka seemed practically oblivious to Helena’s presence next to her. Yet, for some reason Myka had said she needed this, needed this with Helena, so she ran and ran, faster than her body could quite handle for this length of time, but she refused to slow until Myka was ready. 

If Myka had known that Helena thought she was oblivious to her presence, she would have laughed out loud. The reality that Helena was blissfully unaware of was that it was taking all of Myka’s will power to not glance at her every few seconds, to not pay attention to how her chest was heaving for breath as she managed to match Myka step for step, despite her insane pace, to not think about the fact that this woman, this beautiful, amazing woman had come out in the middle of the night just because she said she needed her. Myka fought with every step to ignore the pulsing in her blood for this woman, fought to tamp down her anger, her desire, her confusion, and all it really did was make her run faster, causing Helena to run faster and thus become more distracting. Myka’s crushing thoughts and need for physical exertion came to a head in one catastrophically embarrassing moment. When she looked back on the moment, she wondered if the universe simply had had it out for her that night, because everything happened too perfectly to have been coincidence. Just when Myka had finally allowed herself the luxury of glancing at Helena for the first time in several minutes, a force of will she didn’t realize she had, her music decided to blare the most inappropriate of lyrics at her. As she turned her head to Helena, ready to offer a small smile, her headphones rang through her brain lyrics about needing, wanting to touch someone, and when that lyric paired with Helena’s eyes returning her gaze, Myka’s feet ceased to work properly, her pace finally getting the best of her, her left foot kicking behind her right at an awkward angle and causing her to trip, and nearly fall flat on her face, if not for Helena reaching out a quick hand to grasp her arm and keep her upright. They both came hurtling to a stop, breath coming in fits and starts, Helena finally gasping out, “Are…are you alright, darling.”

Myka uncurled from her bent position, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. My feet just got tangled.”

Helena quirked an eyebrow at her. The timing of Myka’s near fall and the look they had given each other were too in sync to have been an accident, but, since Myka seemed to think Helena had missed the connection, she bit back her words, swallowing them down with a deep breath, “Perhaps it’s time to call it a night?”

Myka pushed her hands into the small of her back, stretching, arcing her body towards Helena so endearingly that Helena had to look away. Myka caught her body language from the corner of her eye, and bit the inside of her lip to keep from smirking, “Yeah, probably a good idea, otherwise I might end up taking us both out.”

“Bloody menace you are,” Helena winked. 

They lightly jogged the rest of the way through their lap, collapsing onto the bench where they had left their water bottles. Myka rested her head back against the wall, closing her eyes, “God, this day just keeps getting better. If I’d known I was going to end up practically sprawled out face first on the track, I would have rethought this whole running thing. Apparently, I should have just gone to bed.”

Helena leaned back next to her, turning her head only to be met with the hard, clenched line of Myka’s jaw. She watched as Myka’s muscles ground against each other in what appeared to be an effort to fight back tears, “Do you really think just going to bed would have helped?”

Myka shook her head lightly, a stray tear peaking out despite her muscles’ efforts, “No, probably not. I probably wouldn’t have slept anyway.”

“Then near fall aside, I am very glad that you texted me instead of just going to bed.”

Myka finally rolled her head to look at her, opening up shining green eyes to meet Helena’s dark ones, “Me too…”

Helena gave a light tap to Myka’s thigh, “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?”

“That would be good.”

Helena glanced at the clock across from them, “Where exactly can we go at 11:30 on a Sunday night?”

Myka stood up quickly and offered a hand to pull Helena up, “Have you not learned by now that I _always_ know somewhere we can go?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _How_ could I possibly forget?”

Myka chuckled, “C’mon, the coffee place next door is actually open 24 hours, we can go over there.”

“Running and coffee when it’s almost midnight, I think you have your day a little backwards, darling.”

Myka just smiled and tugged on her arm, pulling her towards the door.

Helena was amazed they weren’t the only people out for coffee at this hour, yet it was still quiet in the small cafe, offering a modicum of privacy for whatever Myka needed to talk about. They settled onto a couch near the back, Helena cradling a cup of chamomile tea, while Myka sipped on an iced tea. Helena turned towards Myka, tucking one of her legs under the other, “So…you’ve mentioned a few times that it’s been a bad day.”

Myka gave her a half smile, her body language mirroring Helena’s, though she seemed to be fighting against the urge to lean further towards Helena than she already was, “I think bad might be a polite word for it.”

“Awful. Terrible. Abysmal. Disastrous. Tell me when I’m getting close…”

Myka’s smile grew slightly, “See this is why I wanted to see you, well, one of the reasons.”

“For my vast vocabulary, darling?”

Myka rolled her eyes, throwing her head back in mock frustration, “Oh yes, precisely.” She returned her gaze to Helena, her eyes softening, “No, I just…I just figured you would be the one who could make it better.”

“I shall try my best, however, it might be helpful if I knew exactly what it was I was trying to make better.”

Myka nodded and took a small sip of her tea, “So remember yesterday how I made it pretty obvious that I was dreading this dinner with my parents?”

Helena pursed her lips, humming out a slight, “Mmm.”

“Well, let’s just say that I should have been dreading it a little bit more.”

“What happened?”

“At first nothing beyond the usual,” Myka picked at an invisible thread in the hem of her pants, then heaved a deep sigh, “ _However,_ my father decided that the usual wasn’t enough, and let’s just say it spiraled pretty quickly downhill from there.”

Helena couldn’t fight back the scoff that scratched at her throat, “What was his particular gripe this time?”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, and she stared at Helena through shuttered eyes, “You…”

Helena’s eyes grew wide, “Me? I just met his yesterday, what could he possibly…”

Myka cut her off, “Ok, not you exactly, but you kind of. My mom asked how things were with the band, as she usually does, then she asked how the rest of our day went yesterday. I said it was nice, but before I could elaborate, my father decided that that was the appropriate moment to flip out about how the last thing I needed was another musician in my life, blah, blah, blah. Then he kind of went on this tangent about how a smart girl like you was wasting your life being a singer. Apparently you made quite an impression yesterday,” she gave Helena a quick smile, which disappeared just as fast as it came, “and then, well, then I kind of snapped.”

Helena’s eyebrows lifted, “Snapped how exactly?”

A blush washed over Myka’s face, “I would much prefer to not go into details, but I believe your dear ancestors would refer to it as defending your honor.”

Helena laughed, “You cannot be serious?”

Myka gave a soft chuckle, “I am, woefully serious. I said you were talented and not wasting your life, and well, I kind of got carried away. There was some yelling involved, I may have stormed out…”

“You stormed out of your parents’ house because your father criticized me?” Helena’s stomach twisted in a wholly unexpected, though not unpleasant way.

“I know, I sound totally crazy right? I don’t know, I just felt like it was the last straw. I mean, I can deal when he goes at my life, because at this point I’m used to it, but to go at you, someone he barely knows, someone that it’s pretty evident I care about, I just wasn’t going to tolerate that.”

Helena wasn’t sure Myka knew exactly what she had just said, but rather than causing her more embarrassment in an embarrassment laden day, she tucked the words away into her mind to revisit later. She cleared her throat, and took a larger than necessary drink of tea, “Well, I must say, I appreciate your defense of my honor darling, though I am sorry that it caused you to have such a miserable day.”

Myka gave a casual shrug of her shoulder, “I have to say, at this point, it’s seeming kind of worth it.”

“And why is that?”

“Because that look on your face is telling me that going off on my father for his irrationality and ignorance was the right thing to do. Which is the other reason I wanted to see you tonight…” Helena didn’t respond, just smirked and lifted an eyebrow towards Myka. “I just…I knew that once I had seen you, once I had been reminded of why you are totally not wasting your life with music, that I would realize that I did the right thing.”

“Just seeing me did all that? I must say I didn’t realize I was quite so impressive.”

“You are. You know you are.”

“Well, my impressiveness aside, how exactly has my mere presence shown you I am not wasting my life, as your father so lovingly put it?”

Myka blushed, deep and fast, “Well, for one, if you weren’t a singer then you wouldn’t be in Colorado most likely, which means you wouldn’t be sitting here with me in the middle of the night, which to me is completely unacceptable. Two, I don’t think you realize how much you exude that confidence of yours. I swear, Helena, someone can just look at you and realize you were meant to be doing something like this. That’s enough to convince me.”

“Are you referencing my _swagger_ again darling?”

“Always,” Myka smirked.

Helena weighed her next words carefully, wondering if by speaking them she would break the comfortable peace that had seemed to settle over Myka, wondering if it would bring her apparent desire to be more flirtatious than she ever had been before to a screeching halt. Yet, Helena knew that underneath the heavy veneer of casual indifference and poise, anger and hurt was still boiling in Myka’s mind. She looked down into her mug, speaking quietly enough to hope maybe Myka might miss her words, “Myka, why exactly do you let your father get to you so much?”

The effect was immediate, the sparkle gone from Myka’s eyes, the languid relaxation of her muscles replaced by rigidity, the casual familiarity of her tone turned to biting tension. Helena regretted her words instantly, yet couldn’t help but wonder if this was precisely the conversation Myka needed to be having. She reached a tentative hand across the couch to rest on Myka’s knee, “Myka, I’m sorry, but I hate seeing how much his words hurt you.”

Myka wouldn’t meet her eyes, instead staring fascinated as she swirled her iced tea around her glass. When she spoke her tone was sharp, defeated, bordering on antagonistic, “You don’t think I’ve tried to not feel this way? I’ve been trying for as long as I can remember. His expectations, his opinions are like this weight I’ve been dragging around for my whole life, and no matter how I try to lift it, I can’t.”

“Why not,” Helena asked lightly, calmly, soothingly, willing her tone to temper Myka’s.

Myka gave a bitter laugh, “Because he’s my dad, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot make myself stop wishing he would be at least a little proud of me. Because I’m stubborn, and I think I can someday prove him wrong, show him that my life has meant something. Because deep down, I’m still that little kid who can’t quite understand why her father named his bookstore after a fake son and who wanders around wondering what she did wrong, what was wrong with her to make her father so disappointed in her.” 

Helena didn’t know what to say , and even if she did she wouldn’t have been able to form the words anyway, all the air had fled from her lungs at the sight of Myka’s anguish. She lifted her hand from Myka’s knee and tangled it with Myka’s hand where it rested against the back of the couch. Part of her expected Myka to pull away, but she didn’t, if anything she twisted her fingers more so that their grip on each other was certain. Helena ran her thumb lightly across the back of Myka’s hand, steeling herself to speak, “Myka…there is nothing I can say that you haven’t heard before, nothing that I can say that will make that go away, however that doesn’t mean I can’t try.”

Myka gave a small puff of laughter, “Stubborn.”

Helena gave her hand a small squeeze, “Indeed. Myka, you are one of the most incredible people I have ever met. The life you have built for yourself here, the life you have helped others build simply by offering them a place to come and be themselves, where they’re valued, there are no words for what an amazing gift that is. You have so many things to be proud of, that if I tried to list them, we’d be here all night. You are _not_ still that little girl in the bookstore; you are an amazing, beautiful woman who has done what you wanted with your life. You have friends who love you. Hell, I believe this whole town loves you, and it is your father’s loss, if he cannot see that, if he cannot see how much there is to be proud of in his daughter. I’m sorry, darling, but bollocks to him if he is too ignorant or angry to see that.”

Through her tears, Myka laughed, “You are so British sometimes.”

“One of the many side effects of actually being British darling.”

Myka smiled and stared at their entwined hands, “I don’t know how you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Make my fucked-up life seem better. Make things that usually leave me completely tangled up in knots seem simple. Sometimes…sometimes I wish I could actually see myself and my life the way you do.”

“Believe it or not, that is my wish for you too, because from where I’m sitting, it paints a pretty lovely picture.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure, tears and sweat included.”

“Don’t do that, Myka,” Helena’s tone was bordering on harsh, but she was so tired of Myka’s deflections.

Myka looked up at her wide-eyed, nervous even, “Do what exactly?”

“Diminish yourself like that, make it sound like people are complimenting you just to placate you. That is nowhere near what I am doing. I am giving you the only truths I know how to give. I’m telling you the things that I believe, whole-heartedly, are true.”

Myka shook her head, the curls of her ponytail swaying slightly, more tears falling down her cheeks, “I know…I’m sorry. I’ve always been like that, though no one’s ever really called me on it, at least not as much as you do. It takes a little bit to adjust.”

“Well then, I will just have to seek to give you more compliments so that you can have more opportunities to _adjust_ ,” Helena’s tone was teasing, as she tried to lighten the mood that she knew she had dampened.

“You kind of make me _want_ to adjust.” Helena watched in rapt fascination as another blush spread from Myka’s cheeks down her neck. Myka seemed like she was so close to moving towards her, and Helena wanted nothing more than for her to make that move. Her own body was straining to do it herself, but she knew, though she was loathe to admit it, that this had to be Myka’s decision. As quickly as the moment came though, it was gone. Helena could actually see it in Myka’s eyes, the moment she decided to pull back rather than push forward. Her heart sank as she felt Myka’s fingers disentangle from her own, as Myka cleared her throat and gave a nervous chuckle, “I should really, really let you go home.”

Helena sighed, defeated, a pang of hurt echoing in her chest that she didn’t really want to deal with at the moment, “It’s quite alright. I’m not that tired.”

“I appreciate the lie, but you look exhausted Helena.”

Helena wanted to tell her that she hadn’t been exhausted until Myka had moved away, that she was anything but exhausted until Myka had once again proven they were not nearly as close to being on the same page as she thought, as she hoped. She distractedly drank the last bit of her tea, then stood and stretched, “I suppose you’re right.”

Myka followed, as Helena took steady, even steps towards the door. She was thankful Helena was walking in front of her, so she couldn’t see the war that was going on through every fiber of her being. She didn’t know why she pulled away, she felt keenly how badly she had wanted to move forward, but once again, her fear, her insecurity, her past tugged at her shoulders, dragging her ever backwards. She ran a distracted hand across her neck as Helena turned to her once they had reached their cars. Helena leaned casually against her door, a small smirk on her face that did nothing to belie the hurt that Myka saw hovering just below the surface, “I must say, I do believe I owe you an apology darling.”

Myka looked puzzled, “For what exactly?”

“Apparently, my good luck kiss yesterday didn’t quite work in your favor today. I’m terribly sorry.” Helena then pushed herself off of her car and tilted towards Myka, placing another light kiss to her cheek, whispering, “Good night Myka. Try to get some rest. Tomorrow shall be a better day.”

Before Myka could respond, before she could even move, Helena was climbing into her car, and pulling away. As she watched the taillights pull away from her, realization crashed into her hard, forceful, and overpowering. The realization that she wanted nothing more than that woman who was driving away from her, and because of that she had a phone call to make the next morning.

**

“I was wondering if I would be getting this call this week…” Vanessa voice coming through the phone was warm, yet concerned, happy, yet hesitant.

“I figured it wouldn’t surprise you.”

“It always surprises me Myka, every year, I wonder if this will be the year you don’t call.”

“Well, apparently, this is not that year. Will you have space on Wednesday?”

“I _always_ have space when it’s you, you know that. Do you have a preference of timing?”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, wondering about the other aspects of the night, about the other things she was going to have to do, the other plans that needed to be figured out, “I think later in the second set would be best.”

“Really? Usually you like getting it over with…” Vanessa’s confusion was evident in her tone.

“This year is a little bit different….” Suddenly, Myka wondered if she should be pulling Vanessa into this, yet she knew it wouldn’t work without her. “Vanessa…is Helena working Wednesday night?”

Myka heard a soft chuckle, “Of course she is. At this point, I think she would kill me if I _didn’t_ schedule her for Wednesdays. I hardly think that should surprise you, considering the little routine you two have established.”

“Vanessa…” Myka’s tone was a warning, a warning that Vanessa was starting to encroach.

“Oh don’t give me that tone Myka,” again Myka heard laughter. “If you honestly think that you can convince me that this doesn’t have anything to do with Helena, I will pay your bar tab from here to eternity.”

Myka rolled her eyes, gritting her teeth, “Ok, fine, it has a lot to do with Helena, but you know that isn’t all.”

“I know it isn’t, and you know I’m here for all of those parts of this that aren’t about Helena.”

“I know you are…”

“Myka, are you sure you’re up for this? You know that no one expects this from you, least of all me. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

Myka sighed, suddenly slightly weary from the same old conversation, despite knowing Vanessa had her best interests in mind, “I know I don’t, but I want to do this Vanessa, even more so this year. This isn’t just about…this isn’t just about _before_. This is about…”

“Helena.” Vanessa just shook her head on the other end of the phone. She wondered if these two were making things this difficult on purpose. Though, she also knew Myka well enough to know that this, whatever this was, was always going to be difficult.

“Yes, I just can’t keep going around in circles like this Vanessa. It’s just going to hurt her, and it’s going to hurt me, and I can’t keep doing that to her.”

“And you really think _this_ is the best way to go about it?”

Always playing the mother, Myka thought. Deep down, Myka appreciated Vanessa’s concern, her desire for her to be happy, but right now, when Myka felt like she was dancing a fine line between being sure and running in the other direction, she didn’t feel like being pushed. “I think this is the best way to start going about it.”

“Then I shall put you on the schedule.”

“Thank you.” Myka hesitated, knowing she needed to ask one more favor, though she was unwilling to voice it, “Vanessa? There’s one other thing.”

Myka then proceeded to outline what else she would need from Vanessa Wednesday evening. Thankfully, she was more than happy to help, which assuaged more of Myka’s worries than she truly expected. There was a deep pause as their conversation came to an end, and Myka heard Vanessa give a deep sigh, and what sounded an awful like nails tapping against her desk, “Myka,” oh here it comes Myka thought. “You know how much I care about you, how desperately I want you to be happy. Over the last few months though, I have also come to care for Helena too, and I don’t want to see her get hurt.”

Vanessa’s words caught Myka up short. This was not what she expected to hear. She wasn’t really sure _what_ she had been expecting, but it wasn’t this, worries and concerns about Helena. “Trust me, Vanessa I don’t want that either.”

“She cares about you Myka, probably more than you realize. Don’t…please don’t run away from that.”

Myka swiped at a stray tear that lingered on her jaw. Coming from anyone other than Vanessa, or maybe Pete, Myka would have been offended, felt they were overstepping, but she knew how much Vanessa had seen of her life, knew how much Vanessa had seen her run before, and had stood by her every single time. She took a deep, shuddering breath, “That’s what I’m trying not to do Vanessa, this, this is what I need to do to keep me from running.”

“Then I am here to help in whatever way you need.”

“Thank you, Vanessa.”

“You, my dear, are very welcome. I’ll see you Wednesday.”

Myka hung up and flopped back on her couch, phone still clutched to her chest. She knew this was what she needed to do, and more importantly, she knew it was what she _wanted_ to do, she just hoped she didn’t end up regretting it.

**

When Helena came into the store, bag full of their lunches in tow, Myka could tell something was off. Usually, she came in bristling with energy, already talking a mile a minute with Claudia about their latest project. Today, she came in quietly, with little fanfare, and simply laid the bag on the counter, whispering a small hello to Myka before heading to the back where Claudia was waiting. Myka hoped it was just because she was tired, which she then felt guilty for causing. Yet, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that Helena wasn’t stealing her usual looks her way, or shooting off-hand comments to her while she and Claudia wrote, and it hit her that no matter what was wrong with Helena, it was distinctly something that she should feel guilty about. 

When they sat down for lunch, Myka was determined to act normal, to not push, to just let Helena be, figuring Claudia would provide a good buffer. That lasted for all of two minutes until Claudia’s computer blinked at her a Skype request from her brother. Claudia nearly screamed with delight and turned to Myka expectantly, “Ok to use your office? I haven’t talked to Joshua in weeks!”

Myka laughed, “Of course Claud, take your time.”

“You. Are. The. Best.” Claudia squeezed a quick hug around Myka’s shoulders then grabbed her computer and flung herself into the office.

Myka rolled her eyes incredulously, glancing at Helena, “I guess Switzerland is keeping Joshua busy if they haven’t talked in weeks. I thought Claudia would combust before something like that happened.”

Helena gave a small puff of laughter, but didn’t look up from her salad. Myka tried desperately to just sit and enjoy the quiet and Helena’s presence, but Helena’s silence was deafening. Gently, she tucked her fork under the lid of Helena’s salad, giving it a light jostle, “Hey, Silent McGee over there, you ok?”

Helena finally looked up, eyes tired, smile a little strained, “I’m fine darling.”

Myka didn’t need Steve the human lie detector to see that lie coming from a thousand miles away. She tried to shoot for the obvious, “I’m really sorry I kept you out so late last night. Claudia told me you guys had a pretty long night at Pete and Amanda’s…I didn’t mean to make your day even longer.”

Helena gave her a soft smile, “You know I was happy to come, Myka. You needed me, where else would I have been?”

“Still, I’m sorry if you’re, if you’re dragging a bit today.”

Helena quirked her lips, “Like I said, I’m fine.” Her eyes dropped back to her salad.

Myka gave a not so silent scoff. Helena was clearly anything, but fine. Panic ricocheted through her, she had done this, she had taken and taken from Helena last night, and had barely given any thought to what her actions might have been doing to Helena. The bright light of the afternoon laid bare before her the results of her actions, Helena looking haggard and drawn. She went to reach for Helena’s free hand, but Helena pulled away slightly without even looking at her. Myka sighed, “Helena…”

Helena turned her eyes to Myka, shining with frustration and pain, “Myka, can we please not do this right now?”

Myka jerked back as though she’d been slapped. These are the consequences of your actions, she told herself, Helena broken and hurt. “Yeah, I’m…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.” 

They finished their lunch in silence. Regret sunk into Helena’s stomach like a stone. She hadn’t wanted to snap, she had tried to keep herself under control, but the second she had seen Myka, all effort flew out the window. The truth was, she was tired, exhausted physically and emotionally. She hadn’t slept when she got home last night. She had stayed up tossing and turning, playing over and over again in her mind Myka’s leaning in and then pulling away. Myka’s flashes of flirtation which disappeared in fits of hesitancies. Helena wasn’t sure she could do this anymore, the back and forth, the unknown, the tension and the waiting. She was tired. She wanted Myka, more than she probably should, but she was starting to wonder if Myka would ever allow herself to want her back. Helena could see it in her eyes that the desire was there, but it was shaded over by self-control and confusion, which Myka seemed powerless, maybe even unwilling, to fight. Helena knew she had told Pete she would fight for Myka, knew that she wanted to, but on days like today she felt like the fight had completely gone out of her. She didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want to be looked at the way that Myka did, the way that made her insides twist and skin heat, she didn’t want to hear Myka’s voice whispering her name with such desperation, she certainly didn’t want Myka to touch her, not right now, it would kill her. 

Claudia was still in Myka’s office as they cleaned up from lunch. Helena knew she should stay, knew that Claudia would want to write, but she felt like she might burst into flames or tears, if she stayed. She gathered her bag, “I think I’m going to go. Can you tell Claudia I’m sorry?”

Myka’s heart sunk, but she didn’t put up a fight, just like usual she thought, “Yeah, sure. I’ll tell her.”

“Thank you.”

As the door shut behind Helena, Myka feared that too much damage had been done for Wednesday to make any difference.

**

“Myka, my dear, how’s life?” Despite the snow clouds threatening overhead, darkening everything, Hugo still had his sunglasses on, looking for all intents and purposes like someone ready for summer.

She heaved a deep sigh, “Life is feeling a bit impossible at the moment.”

“What’s goin’ on kid?”

“I’d rather not go into the details, but I think I’ve somehow managed to be a colossal idiot, and didn’t realize it until far too late.” 

Hugo patted her shoulder, “Those are the breaks. It’ll get better.” Myka rolled her eyes, leave it to Huge to make her anguish sound so simple. He thumbed through a new stack of albums, until something seemed to jerk him upright of its own accord. He turned back towards Myka, “Hey kid…how…how are you holding up?”

Myka shook her head, no amount of 1970’s drugs could wipe Hugo’s memory apparently. Of course he would remember that this week was the anniversary, him and everyone else in this town, but thankfully no one but him would be likely to bring it up. “I’m ok, good even. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel quite so biting this year.”

“Time heals darlin’, you know that.”

Darlin’. Myka’s mind flew to Helena, Helena who left so fast yesterday. “I know it does old man, I guess it’s finally working.”

“So, am I to assume this is _your_ Wednesday then?”

“I’ll be there, just like always.”

“You are an institution dear one. Mind if I come?”

Myka quirked an eyebrow despite the fact that they did this every year, “Are you sure you can handle the allegedly horrid music of all these young kids around town?”

“If it means I get to hear you at some point, absolutely.”

“You know I love it when you’re there.”

“Then there I shall be.” 

**

When Helena walked into the Warehouse Tuesday night she realized that for the first time since she had stepped foot in the store, Myka was nowhere to be found. Her office lights were off, and everything seemed closed up for the evening, aside from where Pete, Steve, and Claudia were huddled on the stage. She knew she was running late, she had been working up the courage to apologize to Myka for acting so childish yesterday and it had caused her to stall, but now, looking around the store, it appeared she wouldn’t be given that opportunity. She headed towards the back, trying to sound casual, “Where’s Myka?”

Pete looked up giving her a knowing glance, “She left a note, said she had headed upstairs early, I don’t know, maybe she’s not feeling great. You never know with Mykes.”

Helena went to speak, but Pete had already turned back to Claudia who was gesturing animatedly at the setlist they were putting together for a gig later that week. She turned a brief glance towards the ceiling, wondering if she should go upstairs, check on her, but she just shook her head, and unpacked her stuff. 

Rehearsal was quick, Claudia didn’t want them doing too much, worried it would throw off their karma for Friday night. Helena felt it was all a bit silly, but didn’t mind getting to go home early. The tension of being in the store with Myka so close, yet seeming so far away was too much. She tried to pack up as quickly as possible, but Claudia was in no mood to be ignored, “Yo, H.G., Steve and I were going to go grab some dinner, wanna join?”

She wanted to say no, but she figured it would probably help to be out, not home dwelling. She tried to offer Claudia a genuine smile, “Sure.”

“Excellent! Pete-o-Rama, you up for dinner?”

Pete threw a quick glance upstairs, concern on his face, “Umm, no I’m good Claud thanks. I think I’m going to stick around, check on Mykes, make sure she’s ok.”

“You, turning down food? H.G., Steve, we should probably get out of here because I’m pretty sure the Hellmouth is going to open any second.” Claudia pushed Helena and Steve towards the door, yelling over her shoulder, “Say hi to the demons for us Pete!!”

Once the door clicked shut behind them, Pete draped a cover over his drums, and jogged upstairs. He gave a small knock on the door. Myka opened almost immediately, her face looking expectant, only to fall upon seeing him. He grimaced, “Expecting someone else?”

Myka leaned against the door, eyes dropping, “No, I mean, I just thought maybe Helena…”

Pete patted her on the shoulder as he stepped into the apartment, “The H.G. has left the building. She went to grab dinner with Steve and Claud.”

“Oh…”

“Sorry to disappoint Mykes. So, what exactly has you locked up in your apartment without any time to say hello to us?” He flopped onto her couch, popping a few chips from the open bag on the table in his mouth. Claudia was right, he was starving, but had turned down dinner. Hellmouth indeed.

Myka gestured towards one of her pianos, “Working actually.”

Pete gave her a questioning look, then realization dawned, “Oh man, Mykes, it’s totally the week, right? How on earth did I forget?

“Time, Pete. It happens. Anyway, yes, it is _the week,_ thus I am working.”

“Regular slot at the Regents?”

“Vanessa penciled me in, just like usual.”

Pete gave her a soft smile, “Sam would love that you did this Mykes. It’s kind of the perfect way to remember him.”

Myka tapped at his legs, encouraging him to lift them so she could sit down next to him. She resettled his legs over her lap, “That’s why I do it, well at least one of the reasons.”

“One of the reasons?” Pete questioned.

“I’m going to tell Helena.”

Pete’s eyes went wide, “You’re ready for that?”

She nodded, “I am. It’s time Pete. I’ve probably waited too long actually. It’s like you said, she needs to know, and honestly, I can’t keep doing this, keeping this from her. It’s keeping me from moving forward, and my God, Pete, I just want to move forward…”

“With H.G.?” He gave a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

She slapped his knee causing it to jerk, “Don’t be a child, but yes, with Helena.”

“Way to go Mykes! Finally!”

“Geez, don’t overreact or anything Pete.”

“I’m not overreacting Mykes. I’m happy for you. This is good, this is _so_ good.” Pete’s exuberance slowly melted from his face, turning back to concern, “You really ready for this Mykes?”

She smiled, “I am. I _think_ I am. Either way, it’s time, so ready or not…”

“Here you come…”

“Indeed.”

Pete reached across and squeezed her shoulder, “Do you want me to come? You know I can be there Mykes.”

She patted his hand, then leaned her cheek against it, “Thank you, but I think I need to do this solo. Plus, don’t you have a meet Wednesday night?”

“I would bail for this, for you, but I totally understand. You change your mind though, I’m there in a heartbeat.”

“I know, Pete. Thank you.”

He sat up, giving her curls a small tussle, “Alright, I just came up to make sure that you weren’t sick or upset or anything. So, I’m going to leave you to your ivories and I’m going to go home and eat dinner with my lady.”

Myka chuckled, “You go do that. Tell her I said hi.”

“Will do.”

**

Finally feeling like she was ready, that she had done all she could, Myka rested the lid back over the piano keys. She went to the kitchen, pulled a bag of Twizzlers out of the cupboard, and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. As she pulled one of the Twizzlers out of the bag, she felt her phone buzz in her back pocket. Tucking a Twizzler between her teeth and the rest of the bag and her water under her arm, she extracted her phone. Her face warmed and a smile stole over her face…Helena.

_“How are you? I was worried when you weren’t around tonight.”_

Myka fell onto her bed, wondering if Helena’s mood from yesterday had dissipated.

_“I’m good. I’m sorry I wasn’t downstairs, I had some work that had to get done before tomorrow, and I could only get it done upstairs.”_

Myka wondered if she should just tell Helena now, explain what she was working on and save the waiting. Yet, she knew this was something that she had to do in person, and in a way that would ensure that Helena understood. A text message wasn’t going to do that.

_“Well, I’m glad you’re alright.”_

Oof, that didn’t exactly sound like a woman whose mood had improved. She took a deep breath and starting typing, _“How are you? You seemed kind of upset yesterday, and I can’t help but feel like that might have been my fault.”_

Across town Helena cringed. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to be having, at least not through a text message, but she also knew that if she called she would end up saying more than she should. She took a sip of her wine and sank further into her pillows.

_“I’m better. I’m sorry, I was acting completely irrationally yesterday, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I also shouldn’t have left like I did, Claudia was quite unhappy with me tonight.”_

Myka chuckled, Claudia was not a woman to scorn.

_“Well ya know, hell hath no fury…that applies to Claud perfectly.”_

_“So I learned.”_

Myka sighed, she needed to say more, to respond to Helena’s apology.

_“Somehow Helena, I don’t think you were acting irrationally yesterday. You don’t have to tell me that I hurt you, I know I did, and you can deny it if you want, but I know I did, and I’m sorry.”_

Well, that was not what Helena had expected. She realized though that the last thing she should have expected from Myka was denial or feigned ignorance.

_“I appreciate that darling, but I assure you, things are quite alright now. I think I simply let my thoughts get a bit too tangled, and the results weren’t particularly pleasant.”_

_“Anything I can do to help untangle them? After all, you helped untangle me last night.”_

Helena sighed, there were a million ways to answer that question, none of which she could say to Myka, at least not yet.

_“At this moment? No, but eventually? Probably.”_

_“Well, whenever you are in need of my untangling skills, just let me know.”_

_“Will do. So I assume I’ll be seeing you tomorrow?”_

Myka took a deep breath. This was going to feel an awful lot like lying, though it wasn’t, not really.

_“Of course, it is Wednesday after all.”_

_“That it is. Well then, until tomorrow, good night Myka.”_

_“Good night Helena.”_

Myka took a long drink of her water. Untangling Helena’s thoughts, if that’s what she could think of tomorrow night as, well then, that worked just fine for her.

**

When Helena walked into work Wednesday night, she wondered if she would be able to survive the night. She had never seen the café so busy. Vanessa had crammed more tables into the back, and there were still more people lining the walls, milling around, fitting themselves into whatever available space they could. Helena wondered how she was going to be able to maneuver around all these people to actually get everyone their drinks. She took a deep breath and pushed herself behind the bar, pulling a face at Todd, who was already ten customers deep in orders.

“Buckle up, H.G., it’s going to be a busy night apparently.”

She gave a small lift of her eyebrows, “Apparently. Why on earth are this many people here?”

Todd gave a small shrug, “No idea. I’ve barely been here a year, and I’ve never seen it like this.”

Helena pulled her notebook out from a drawer, and glanced around the café wondering where on earth to start. She figured start at one end and work her way around, “Well, into the breach I suppose.”

Todd chuckled, “Good luck out there, whistle if you get lost.”

At first, Helena was so busy she didn’t notice that Myka wasn’t there, but as the clock ticked every so slowly towards eight o’clock, she started watching the door more and more. Myka had told her she would be there. Like she said, it was Wednesday, where else would she be? She stole a look towards the back, where most of Vanessa’s designated tables were full. Panic twisted in her stomach as she realized that there were people sitting at Myka’s table. She recognized one of them as the man she had seen talking to Myka on her very first Wednesday working. What was his name? Jack? He was talking animatedly with a woman about his age, with short, light red hair, and another woman, younger, with long black hair. They seemed totally at ease and completely unaware that they were sitting somewhere designated for someone else. Finally, unable to contain herself anymore, she stole away to the back of the bar where Vanessa was standing going over some notes for the night.

“Vanessa, have you heard from Myka this evening?”

Helena couldn’t read the look in Vanessa’s eyes when she turned to her, “Umm, yes actually. Don’t worry, she is here, she got here a bit earlier than usual. She’s backstage.”

“Backstage?”

Vanessa paused with a far off look in her eye, then seemed to come to a decision. In her mind, Vanessa knew that Myka would want her to deflect, but looking at Helena this way, all distraction and concern, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Vanessa placed a soft hand against Helena’s forearm, “Yes, she’s backstage. H.G.,” Vanessa took a deep breath, “tonight is a bit of a _different_ night. It’s important to Myka, and well…I should just leave it at that.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Does everyone in this town talk in riddles when it comes to that woman?”

Vanessa chuckled, “Unfortunately, yes, most of the time they do.” She put an arm around Helena and gave her a light squeeze, “Would you believe me if I said that it will all make sense eventually?”

“I would say that I’m getting very tired of hearing that same sentence over and over.”

Vanessa gave her another squeeze, “I have a feeling that is the last time you’re going to hear it. Trust me.”

Helena gave her an incredulous look. She had absolutely no idea what Vanessa was talking about, but as the din in the café reached a higher decibel, and the clock at the back echoed the top of the hour, Helena knew the time for questions was over. There were things to do, tables to wait on, drinks to supply. She gave Vanessa one more glance, “I swear you are as insufferable as Myka sometimes.”

“Welcome to life amongst the crazy honey, we’re glad to have you here.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _Insufferable._ ” She chuckled though at the teasing twinkle in Vanessa’s eyes, “I have tables to tend to, and aren’t you supposed to be running this place?”

Vanessa gave her a small shove towards the bar, “Yes I am, and now who is being insufferable?”

Helena gave her mock glare over her shoulder, and continued to her next set of tables. She took a modicum of comfort from knowing that Myka was actually there, that she was alright, but it didn’t stop the questions from circling as she tended to customers. Vanessa had said tonight was important to Myka. If it was so important why hadn’t she mentioned it before? Yet, Vanessa seemed to indicate that all of her questions might be answered soon. She heaved a deep sigh as she lowered a tray full of empty glasses onto the bar. Tonight was going to be interesting.

**

Vanessa’s eyes glanced down her setlist. Two more acts. She had watched as Helena had become more distracted, more agitated as the night wore on, and frankly for her sake, Vanessa was ready for this to be over. She loved Myka, dearly, but she couldn’t help but feel that this had gone on for far too long. She was thankful that tonight it would be over, for better or for worse. She assured herself that all was well behind the soundboard and then skirted through the crowd to head backstage. She found Myka exactly where she expected to, in that tiny little room she and Sam always shared when they were there. She was staring at the photo of the two of them on the wall, oblivious to Vanessa’s presence in the doorway. She gave a light knock against the door frame, and gave an apologetic look when Myka startled.

“Sorry, I just wanted to check in, make sure you’re ready?” Vanessa sank down against the vanity, next to Myka.

She felt Myka nod her head next to her, “I am. I am more than ready. I don’t know, something feels different Vanessa. I look at that picture now,” Myka stole another glance towards it, “and I mean, I miss him still, but it doesn’t hurt as much. It feels almost peaceful, to see us and think about what we had, when we had it.”

Vanessa patted her hand, “That’s what Sam would want my dear girl. He would never have wanted you to let his memory get in the way of you living your life.”

Myka chuckled, “I know. He’d be so mad if he knew…”

“Well, there’s no time like the present to make a change.”

Myka sighed and smiled, “That’s the plan.”

Vanessa placed a light hand on the side of Myka’s head, pulling her towards her, and placed a small kiss to Myka’s temple, “I am so proud of you Myka, and I, for one, am happy you’re here, and that I get to hear your beautiful voice tonight.”

“Thank you, Vanessa, and I don’t just mean for saying that, I mean for everything you’ve done tonight. I know I’m asking a lot, but I just…”

Vanessa placed a placating hand against Myka’s, “You don’t need to explain it to me Myka, I understand. I will tell you though, she was near desperate with worry that you weren’t here tonight. I swear every time that door opened her eyes were there, praying it was you.”

A soft, wistful smile played at Myka’s lips, “Did you tell her where I was?”

“I just said you were backstage, she didn’t ask any other questions.”

Myka took a deep breath, and gazed once again at her and Sam. Vanessa stood, knowing she needed to do a few more things before Myka went on. Myka’s voice called out to her in the doorway, “Do you think I’m making a mistake? Doing it this way?”

Vanessa gave a heavy sigh before turning around and walking back to Myka. She placed gentle hands against her shoulders, “Dear one, I think that if you care about that girl as much I think you do, then I trust that you know what you’re doing. But I will say this, do not squander this chance Myka. People like Helena,” Myka smirked at Vanessa’s use of her full name, “do not come along very often, and when they do, they will only linger as long as they think something will come of it. Don’t give her a reason to think she has lingered long enough.”

Myka turned away from Vanessa, unwilling to let her see the emotion threatening to break through her, “Hell of a pep talk Vanessa.”

She heard Vanessa chuckle as she left the room, “It’s what I’m always here for. You’re on in five.”

**

Helena watched as Vanessa emerged from the entrance to the backstage rooms. She looked nervous, yet somehow relieved. Helena tried to busy herself with the orders laid out in front of her, and in the midst of the people and the noise, she didn’t see that Vanessa was tracking a path directly to her. She nearly dropped the glass she was holding when Vanessa’s hand stole over hers with a quick squeeze. She turned her eyes up to meet Vanessa’s which were looking at her with a sense of scrutiny and wonder, “I think now would be a really good time for you to take your break.”

Helena startled, “What, why? There are way too many people here for me to take a break, Vanessa.”

“Helena…” 

Vanessa had never used her real name before, though she knew it from the countless times she had heard Myka use it. That one word made panic and anxiety flood into Helena’s veins like a drug leaving her dizzy.

“Will you please just trust me, and go take a seat behind the sound board?”

Helena still didn’t move, her feet frozen to the floor, certain the if she started moving she would not be ready to handle whatever was coming next, certain that staying put would delay whatever was about to happen.

Vanessa’s voice rang through her ears with a note of desperation, “Helena, please, just give yourself five minutes. Please.”

As if her body was moving of its own accord, without any input from her brain or her heart, Helena put down the glass she was holding, tucked her notebook into the back pocket of her jeans, and moved towards the darkest corner of the bar. Settling into an empty chair next to the sound guy, who didn’t pay her one bit of attention, she felt like every nerve in her body was on high alert. She didn’t know what was happening, she wasn’t sure she truly wanted to know what was happening, yet she knew that inevitably she was powerless to stop it. Her eyes never left Vanessa’s figure as it turned away from the bar, and headed to the stage. She stared in rapt fascination as she ascended the stage and took hold of a microphone, while three men emerged from the back to adjust the positioning of a straight-backed piano. Helena’s heart was pounding in her ears. Vanessa never got up in the middle of a set. Myka was backstage. Vanessa wanted her to sit down. Myka hadn’t told her anything about what was happening. Vanessa said tonight was important to Myka. Myka. Myka. Myka. Her name was the echo of Helena’s pulse. Helena was fairly certain she had forgotten how to breathe. Myka…

The feedback from the microphone as Vanessa gave it a light tap flung Helena back into reality. She wanted to look away, she wanted to not _feel_ this much, but all of her senses were attuned to Vanessa and the words emerging from her mouth. Helena listened as though they were the last words she would ever hear, trying to memorize them and understand them all at once.

“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt folks, but, well, I’m fairly certain that the reason most of you are here this evening is because of the next person who is about to grace this stage. You are here because she is here, the same time, every year, and that means you most likely know why she is here. I consider it nothing short of a privilege and an honor that she is willing to be here, because, well, in my humble opinion, listening to her sing is one of the greatest joys one can have. From what I understand, she has some new material to share with us tonight, which means we all are very, very lucky to be here. So, ladies and gentleman, without further ado, please give a warm welcome, to our own, Myka Bering.”

Helena saw, but didn’t hear the raucous applause that was happening around her. The breath she had thought was lost moments ago, was now without a doubt, nowhere near her body, as she sat motionless watching Myka emerge from backstage, looking devastatingly gorgeous as she gave a light wave, and that damn crooked smile to the audience. Helena’s eyes traced every inch of her, from the black boots that wrapped around her legs, to the jeans tugging at her muscles, up to the black, fitted leather jacket around her shoulders, all the way to those haunting green eyes that were even more pronounced behind a thin, but powerful layer of dark eyeliner. Helena was certain she would never breath again after having seen Myka look like this, she was certain that this image would be emblazoned on the back of her eyelids from here to eternity. Her breath returned in a rush that stabbed into her lungs, as Myka settled onto the piano bench, and just before she leaned into the mic, looked out over the crowd, desperately searching for something, and finding it ultimately in Helena. Myka held her gaze for only a moment, but to Helena it felt like a lifetime. Myka gave a soft smile, which Helena recognized was meant only for her, and then it was as though the world stopped, because Myka’s long, elegant fingers were slowly coming to rest on the keys, she was positioning herself, taking a deep breath, and right before any words came out, Helena knew there was no way on earth she was going to handle this night. There was no way that after this night she was going to be able to survive Myka Bering. 

If Helena thought that she had truly heard Myka’s voice that other night when it was echoing through a closed door, the next moment proved how wrong that assumption was, because this…this was Myka’s voice as it was meant to be heard, strained, desperate, longing, haunting, beautiful.

Helena tried to memorize every inch of Myka as she sang, tried to imprint this moment in time on her brain so that she could revisit it again and again and again, because she feared, she might never see Myka like this again. Some part of her only wanted to watch Myka, to not give in and hear whatever it was that had brought Myka to this stage, but she knew, deep down, that this was something she needed to hear, to process, to remember. Otherwise, why would Vanessa have made her sit down? Otherwise, why wouldn’t Myka have just told her this was going to happen?

_“In a way I need a change from this burnout scene—another time, another town, another everything, but it’s always back to you…”_

Myka’s eyes remained closed, and Helena revealed in the chance to watch the graceful way that she leaned ever so slightly into her mic, that crooked smile never quite leaving her face. Helena was certain she had never seen Myka look like this, had never heard her give voice to these emotions that so clearly plagued her heart. Why would Myka want out of this life? This town?

Helena watched enraptured as Myka’s fingers moved effortlessly across the keys, without thought, but with the utmost intention. Helena’s breathing had started to return to a normal rate, only to stall once again as Myka’s voice broke and frayed, in a way Helena recognized as intentional, as she entered into the chorus.

_“But I’m good…without you…yeah I’m good without you…how many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can’t define what I’m after, I always turn the car around.”_

Once again, Myka’s words from so long ago raced through Helena’s mind about the broken and the music that poured out of them. She heard Pete’s voice telling her about Myka’s scars, and for the first time Helena felt she was truly seeing Myka as she really was, her scars, brokenness, and beauty laid bare for her to witness.

_“Give me a break, let me make my own pattern; all that it takes is some time, but I’m shattered, I always turn the car around.”_

Helena wondered if maybe she had just heard a shot at Myka’s father, a plea to let her be her own person, make her own decisions; followed by Myka’s guilt and frustration that she could never quite break away from his demands.

As Myka’s voice beat a consistent, incessant rhythm, Helena was struck by the reality of just how gifted Myka was at writing, at the talents she must have to keep bottled up so tightly in order for people to not see them or beg for them. Helena heard in these words, what she had seen countless times over, but never been able to describe when it came to Myka. The constant war within herself, the push and pull of the past and the future, the indecision to be her own person without guilt or regret. Helena realized that what she was hearing was _that look_ that Myka got, put into heartbreaking, passionate, honest words.

Myka sang of being pushed back to people, places. Of not knowing what she was after, but of wanting something more. Of wanting to move forward, all the while she was being pulled back into the past, regardless of what she wanted most. It was what Myka wanted for herself warring with what she feared, and it left Helena heartbroken. She knew in those moments that she was hearing exactly who Myka was, maybe not the _why,_ but most definitely the who. In the recesses of her mind, Helena realized that a picture was slowly forming of just why exactly Myka always pulled away from her, even when she seemed so close to pushing forward.

As the volume and the tempo increased, Helena recognized that this moment, this moment that had sunken into her soul was coming to an end. As Myka’s voice took on a higher timbre, her eyes finally opened, and they immediately searched out Helena’s. Once she found them, they stayed locked there, giving Helena the most subtle of smiles, letting her know, letting her realize that this next part, this next line was all for her.

_“All that I feel is the realness I’m faking, taking my time, but it’s time that I’m wasting, I always turn the car around.”_

Helena barely registered the tears that were flowing steadily down her own cheeks. The only thing she saw was the knee-weakening smile that Myka flashed her at the end of the line. The only thing she felt was the warmth spreading over every inch of her skin at the look in Myka’s eyes.

The song ended slowly, quietly, with a soft plea from Myka that she needed to _“turn this thing around…”_ and once again Helena didn’t hear the applause, she didn’t hear the cheers, she just saw Myka. Myka giving her and only her one last glance and smile, before taking a small bow and exiting the stage. Finally, sound registered in her ears in the form of a low whistle and a “wow” from the sound guy to her right. Helena looked at him and whispered, “Wow indeed,” as inside her heart thrummed with the realization that she was never going to be quite the same after this moment, because in this moment, she knew what she somehow felt she had always known, that she was maddeningly, insanely, possibly stupidly, in love with Myka Bering.

**

Myka barely had time to react before Jack and Rebecca were both throwing their arms around her. They had made a beeline for backstage the second she was done, and while she had been expecting them, she wasn’t quite expecting their reaction. She chuckled and hugged them both tightly, “Well, I’m happy to see you guys too!”

They both pulled away and Myka saw the tears rimming Rebecca’s eyes, “Myka, you were fantastic. Truly.”

Jack placed a hand against her shoulder, while wrapping his other arm around Rebecca, “Becs is right Myka, you sound just like you always did, better even, and don’t even get me started on your writing.”

“Please, don’t let him get started, you know how he gets when he _starts_ ,” Rebecca gave Jack’s side a light pinch.

Myka smiled, “I remember way too well. Thank you both. It felt good, it always does but tonight, well, tonight just felt different.”

Rebecca’s eyes fell and lingered on the photograph on the wall, “A lot of time has passed, it was bound to start feeling that way…”

Myka passed a lazy hand across the back of her neck, “ As Vanessa told me earlier, this is what he would have wanted, and she was right, _and_ he would have been very happy you both are here, just like I am.”

Jack moved and hugged her again, “There’s nowhere else we’d rather be.”

“Myka…” 

Myka knew that tone, she knew what was coming, she was prepared for it, but not necessarily coming from Rebecca, “Rebecca, I know what you’re going to say…”

“Just consider it. Please. We could use you. We have yet to find anyone who can write anything close to what you just performed out there.”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, “I’ll think about it.”

Jack’s eyes lit up, “Really?”

She nodded, smirking, “Really. You guys know I would never leave the store, but maybe, eventually, I might be ready for some side work.”

Rebecca gave her a soft smile, “Wonderful. Whenever you’re ready, you know where to find us. Oh! I almost forgot, Abigail was here tonight, she had wanted to come back, but for some reason had to leave once you’d finished.” Rebecca gave a not-so-subtle roll of her eyes, “She said to tell you she said hi.”

Myka’s eyebrows quirked in confusion, “That’s kind of weird. Not that she was here, but that she left.”

Jack waved an impatient hand, “I have stopped trying to understand that woman. Anyway, we will let you get to whatever you need to get to, we just wanted to pop in and say hi, and to tell you how wonderful you are of course.”

Myka smiled, “Of course.”

Rebecca stepped towards her, and offered another tight hug, “Please call us, ok? We miss you.”

Myka squeezed her tighter, “I miss you guys too. Thank you again for coming.”

Rebecca stepped out of the embrace, and placed a light hand on Myka’s cheek, “There is nowhere else we would rather be. We love you.”

“I love you guys too. I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

Jack pointed at her as he left the room, “I’m going to hold you to that.” She laughed, as Rebecca just shook her head and gave her one last wave before leaving.

**

Vanessa walked tentatively to where Helena still sat rooted to her seat. She placed a light hand against her shoulder, “H.G.? Are you ok?”

Helena turned shining eyes to her, “Marvelous.”

Vanessa’s eyes shone with concern, “Are you ok to finish your shift?”

“Absolutely.” Helena wiped at her cheeks and gave a swift tug to her shirt, seeing the look on Vanessa’s face she rolled her eyes, “Truly, Vanessa I’m fine. Plus, if I left you might end up with a riot on your hands.”

“This is true. Well, take all the time you need, they can wait a little longer.” 

“No, really, Vanessa I’m fine. I’ll just get back to it.”

Vanessa watched as Helena walked away, for once unable to tell what the younger woman was thinking.

Helena waited and waited, figuring that Myka would have to come out eventually, but she never did. As the night wore on, Helena’s cool exterior of calm started to deteriorate. She wanted, _needed,_ to see Myka, and it appeared as though that wasn’t going to be happening tonight. A small, insignificant pang of frustration rang through her mind as she realized that meant she was without a ride home. Then again she had always told Myka she could manage, and she could, but she still found herself hovering on the edge of annoyance, though deep down it had little to do with having to find a different way home, and everything to do with not spending any time in Myka’s company after what had happened this evening. 

It was odd watching Vanessa wrap up the night alone. The café felt distinctly empty without Myka’s laugh and commentary bouncing around the empty space. Helena cleaned up the bar in silence, aware that her tension was practically radiating off of her. Eventually, as she locked up the register, Vanessa wandered down to her end of the bar.

“It’s not you, you know. She’s not avoiding you. She never stays. She can only handle so much, and playing is about her limit. She leaves so she doesn’t have to deal with everyone and everything they want to say after. Trust me, it’s not you.”

Helena gave a breathy laugh, her voice coming out in a higher register than was suitably normal, “Well, then at least I know I don’t have to take it personally.”

“You don’t. Helena…I hope,” Vanessa’s eyes darted around the room, unsure of where to look, “I hope you realize that a lot of what happened tonight is because of you.” She must have seen the panic race through Helena’s eyes because she sped on, “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean that in the best way possible. Honestly, I’m sure I’m not making any sense, I just hope you realize what a difference you’re making in her life. You might not be able to see it, but I hope, someday, you will, because trust me the rest of us see it.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it I suppose, since up to this point, she’s told me so little of what is actually happening, that I can’t really see the difference through all the questions I have.” She gave a soft chuckle, “Though right now my main question is what I’m to do with no ride for the evening.”

Vanessa jingled her keys in front of Helena’s face, “Taken care of.”

“No, Vanessa, it’s fine, truly.”

“She asked me to…”

Helena shook her head as though she hadn’t heard correctly, “What?”

“She made me promise that I would make sure you got home.”

Helena rolled her eyes and whispered, “Insufferable.”

“That she is. Now get your coat, I’ll take you home.”

Vanessa couldn’t stop herself from stealing glances at Helena where she sat staring out the passenger side window. She wanted so badly to explain, to try and assuage the confusion that she was sure was roiling through her mind, but she knew it wasn’t her place. When Helena finally spoke it was as though she had read Vanessa’s mind, “I have so many questions Vanessa.”

Vanessa sighed, “I cannot even imagine.”

“I just wish I understood, even a little of what was going on around me.”

“H.G., I’ve known Myka since she was eighteen years old, and in that time I have watched her go through more than any person should have to deal with in a lifetime. It’s made her…hesitant, to open herself up, to anyone. There are a few of us, myself, Pete, the three people you saw sitting at her table tonight, that were there through it all and so she’ll talk to us, but everyone else, even Claudia and Steve, she isn’t quite all there with.”

“I just feel like there’s this huge wall standing between us, and not knowing what it is, well, it’s keeping me from doing anything to move it. It’s driving me slightly insane.”

“You may not believe this, but I’m going to say it anyway. The way that I have seen Myka be with you over the last few months is something I haven’t seen in a very, very long time. She cares about you, I know she does; sometimes it just takes her a little while to realize these things herself.”

Helena didn’t know what to say, so she remained silent, letting her questions drift into the swirling snow. As they got closer to her building, she was so busy directing Vanessa and grabbing her things that she didn’t notice the smile on Vanessa’s face. When she turned back from where she was rummaging in the backseat, she didn’t understand why Vanessa looked so pleased, “What?”

Vanessa pointed a finger towards her building, “I _think_ you might just get those answers you were looking for.”

Helena’s eyes followed to where Vanessa was pointing, and there was Myka. She was sitting on the top step, snow falling all over her, starting to gather in little sparkles throughout her curls, her breath mixing and mingling with the steam rising up from the two coffee cups she held in her hands. Helena turned helpless eyes back to Vanessa, unable to form words. Vanessa just patted her hand, “Helena, get out of this car and go save that freezing woman.”

Helena just smiled and did as she was told, knowing that Vanessa was talking about far more than just the weather.

**

Myka’s breath fled her lungs as she watched Helena unfold herself from Vanessa’s car. She watched in rapt fascination as a hesitant smile and a questioning, teasing look stole over Helena’s face. She wondered if ever again she would see something as beautiful as a snow-lit Helena Wells.

“You know you can catch a cold this way, or be arrested for stalking,” Helena smirked as she walked up the stairs past Myka and toward her door.

“Either of those things would be worth it as long as you let me come in.”

Myka’s tone caught Helena up short. She sounded so calm, so sure, so open. Helena paused with her key in the lock, and turned to look at Myka, as she unfolded herself from her seat on the stairs, “And what exactly would you have done had I refused Vanessa’s ride home and left you waiting on these steps in the snow.”

Myka didn’t even hesitate, “I would have kept on waiting. I probably would have drank your tea at some point, and created a list of ways to get back at Vanessa for not informing me of such a development, but still, whenever you would have come back, you would have found me here, waiting.”

“Well, then I suppose I should let you in, since you’re so determined.”

“I would appreciate it. I am slightly freezing, and I think we need to talk.”

Helena turned back to the door and finished unlocking it, standing back to let Myka in first. When Myka’s back was turned to her, Helena sucked in a deep breath, praying she was ready for whatever might be coming. Myka turned to her then, as she stood in the doorway while Myka hovered at the foot of the staircase. She glanced up the stairs, “I’m just now realizing that I’ve only ever watched you go up the stairs, I have no idea where you actually live.”

Helena steeled her courage and quirked an eyebrow, “Then I suppose you’ll have to follow me.” She led Myka up the stairs to the second floor and turned down the small hallway to her right, stopping in front of her door. “This is me, number six, so now you know.”

Myka smiled, “Now I know. I honestly don’t see how it is possible that in three months I have never once been to your apartment.”

“I could say the same thing, and I am essentially in your house at least three times a week,” Helena smirked over her shoulder as she opened her door. 

“I’ll have to see what I can do about that,” Myka winked as she walked by Helena and into the apartment.

Helena hit the light switch by the door and presented to Myka’s eyes a room that exuded Helena. Bookshelves laden with volumes lined one whole wall. Another wall was covered in framed schematics and what looked like blueprints, apparent throwbacks to Helena’s time in engineering at Oxford. The main portion of the room was occupied by a couch that looked large and inviting, covering the coffee table in front of it were framed photographs of the band, one of Helena with Claudia, and Myka blushed to see, a picture of the two of them from Pete’s birthday dinner last month. The only other corner of the room that Myka could see was dominated by a stereo system that included a record player, all placed atop what looked like a custom-made record and CD cabinet. She looked back where Helena was still hovering near the door, looking like she was debating simply walking right back out of her own apartment. Myka stepped toward her, “It’s amazing.”

Helena waved her off, “I’m still trying to figure out exactly how I want it to look, but it’s a start.”

“It suits you.”

“Thank you.” Helena finally dropped her bag by the door, and moved to take off her coat. She ushered towards Myka’s, “I can take that, unless you intend on staying in it for the foreseeable future.”

“Oh, right” Myka blushed, turned to sit down the drinks in her hands, and removed her coat and hat, her curls springing every which way as they were uncovered. She handed it to Helena who hung it up in a closet by the door. Closing the door, Helena still didn’t move. Myka moved towards her, “Helena, you’re making me nervous just looking at you, and honestly, I’m nervous enough as it is.”

Helena chuckled, “Well, that’s refreshing to know, since you surely don’t seem like it.”

Myka averted her eyes from Helena’s gaze and turned back to the drinks, picking them up gingerly, “I brought you tea, I figured you’d prefer that to coffee at this point.”

That finally got Helena to move, stepping towards Myka, letting her fingers linger over those offering the cup to her, “Thank you darling.”

Myka hovered on the edge of the couch, taking small, constant sips of her coffee. Helena paced around to the back, searching for something in the record cabinet. Finding what she was seeking, she slipped the record free of it’s cover, and placed it onto the turntable, adjusting the volume, and allowing the quiet noise to minimize the dull roar of her and Myka’s silence. Myka picked up the tune quickly, “I’m not sure I would have pegged you for jazz music.”

Helena gave her a coy smile, “Only on the rare occasion. Surprisingly, my father loves jazz, despite its distinctly non-English origins. He always played it when he was stressed, said the chaos of improv calmed him. I’m not sure I ever understood that, but he said that he found it reassuring that even out of chaos and last minute decisions, there could be a sense of calm and control, like things were actually happening how they were supposed to all along.”

“That seems like a fairly apt metaphor for our current situation…”

Helena leaned against the doorway that led to the kitchen. She gazed at Myka over the lip of her tea as she drank, she could see the nervous undercurrent running through Myka’s calm exterior, “Are you honestly telling me that this isn’t how you saw things happening all along?”

Myka’s laughter was overwhelming, deep, rich, genuine, “Wow, no, trust me. I’m pretty sure that I’ve been doing the improv thing from the moment you walked in the store.”

“So what’s your next move then Myka?”

Her laughter faded, and she looked at Helena for a moment, considering, “I wish I knew…” She sighed and hung her head, glancing at Helena through the curls half obscuring her eye line, “I think, right now, I really wish we could sit down and talk.”

Helena nodded her head and moved towards the couch, placing her hands on Myka’s shoulders and pressing down, while she turned her so Myka sunk into one corner of the couch. Helena reached for the blanket draped across the back of the cushions and unfurled it, waiting while Myka removed her boots, before tucking it around both of the their feet where they met in the middle of the couch. She watched as Myka stared into her coffee cup, unsure which one of them should speak first. Helena’s impatience beat Myka’s, “You sounded wonderful tonight.”

Myka glanced at her with a half-smile and a blush, before returning her gaze to her coffee, “Thank you.” Myka heard Helena take a breath as though ready to speak again, and instead of letting her, she rushed forward, words flying out of her mouth before she could properly weigh them, “Helena, I have kept things from you, and I am far too aware of how acutely you realize that. I wanted…I needed you to hear me play tonight before I explained, I think because, I don’t know honestly, I think because I hoped it might help you understand better, but ultimately I’m not sure if it will. All I know, is that I’m tired of having these unspoken things hanging between us, things that I know I’m not saying, that in reality I really, really need to say, because it’s not fair for you not to know.”

“Myka, I’ve told you from the beginning that I’m here whenever you wanted to talk, but that I wasn’t going to push. If you’re not ready…”

Myka’s eyes bore into Helena’s, pools of green darkening in the dim of the room, “I’m ready. I should have been ready way before this, but I convinced myself not to be.”

“So being ready is what brought you to my doorstep in the middle of a snow storm?” Helena teased.

Myka chuckled, her bottom lip nervously pulling between her teeth, “Call it determination, I suppose.” Helena watched as Myka reached a hand inside of her leather jacket, pulled out a few things and then unceremoniously tugged off the jacket and laid it on the floor. Myka glanced at the things clutched between her fingers, then held the first out to Helena. It was a photograph, of a much younger Myka wrapped in the arms of a startlingly handsome young man. Helena took it with trembling fingers, suddenly unsure if she wanted to hear anything that Myka had to say. Myka however didn’t give her a choice, “That is Sam. He was my boyfriend, my writing partner, my…well he was a lot of things, for almost six years.” 

Helena’s thumb lightly traced over the faces in the photo. Myka looked so happy, so content, like there wasn’t an ounce of care in her body. “You look lovely together,” she nearly choked on the words.

Myka didn’t acknowledge the sentiment, only twirled the other item between her thumbs, then handed it to Helena. It was a CD, the cover baring another photo of Sam and Myka, but this time neither of them looked at the camera, only at each other; Myka at a piano bench, Sam leaning against the side of the piano, guitar slung over his shoulders. Myka took a deep breath, “And _that_ is why everyone in town knows me.”

Helena looked at the CD, then up at Myka questioningly, she didn’t understand, “You put out an album together?”

Myka gave a half-smile, “ _Three_ albums actually.”

Helena’s eyes widened. She didn’t know what to say, because of all the things she had envisioned Myka was holding back, this was not anywhere close to what she thought it might be. She turned the CD over in her hands, looking at a lengthy track listing. She then went to undo the opening, but glanced at Myka first, “May I?”

Myka nodded, “Of course.”

Helena pulled out the booklet inside, where more pictures of Myka and Sam assailed her vision. She looked closely as page after page brought her songs with a byline that simply said, ‘Lyrics: Myka Bering, Music: Sam Martino.’ “You…you wrote all of these? You were essentially in a band with him, with…Sam?”

“Yes and yes, though band isn’t quite the word, it was just us.”

Helena had expected a longer answer, “Darling, I’m not sure I wholly understand what I’m being shown, or what exactly this has to do with our current situation…maybe I’m missing the point.”

“No, you’re not. I’m sorry, I guess, I guess I need to start at the beginning, otherwise I’ll explain it in haphazard pieces and I’ll just end up leaving you confused. I guess you need to hear the full story to understand.”

Helena leaned back into the couch, setting the photo and the CD on the coffee table, “Then I’m all ears, darling.”

Myka took a long drink of coffee, then exhaled deeply, “I met Sam the same day I met Pete, actually. He was a year older than us, our orientation tour guide at school. It turned out he was also the station manager at the radio station on campus, where I was planning on interviewing. He hired me, and before I really knew what was happening, he was inviting me over to try playing together. He learned early on that I played piano, he played guitar, and well, once we started, it was fairly clear that we had something. It wasn’t long after that, that we started dating.”

Helena gave Myka her entire attention, though a certain tug in her chest wondered if she truly wanted to hear about Myka’s romantic past. Yet, she didn’t speak, just watched as words poured out of Myka.

“Sam became a huge part of my life. By the middle of my freshman year of college, Pete was drinking, a lot, and Sam became all I had. My father, as you can imagine, was unimpressed that I was pursuing music. He didn’t really like Sam, though I think it was mostly because he saw him as a bad influence on my future, rather than anything personal. Anyway, eventually we started playing around town, at which point we met Vanessa.”

“She mentioned tonight that she’d known you since you were eighteen, I was trying to figure out how that had happened.”

Myka smiled, “She saw us at an open mic night and offered us a spot at the Regents on a Wednesday night once we had figured out more of who we were. Wow, I’m just now realizing how long this story is going to be, I should have bought us larger drinks, or stronger ones, depending.”

Helena reached out and tugged on Myka’s fingers where they were splayed across the back of the couch, “You’re fine darling. Please continue, and if you need more coffee, or something distinctly not coffee, just ask, I have both.”

Myka watched Helena for a moment, the way her eyes were shining with openness and attention, care and concern. That look was going to be her undoing, and in full recognition of that reality, she didn’t turn away from it, but instead reached for Helena’s fingers that were pulling away, and linked them with her own. “I may take you up on the stronger later, but I’m good for now. Anyway, eventually we did play at the Regents, and it was at that point that we met Jack and Rebecca.”

“Were they the couple I saw sitting at your table tonight?”

“That was them, how did you know?”

“My first night at the Regents, when I came up to your table, you were talking to him, and I heard you say his name.”

“Hell of a memory you have there,” Myka teased. “Anyway, yes that was them. They own St. Secord Records, and what it boils down to was they offered us a record deal. God, I’m making it sound like it was so easy, but it wasn’t, at all. It immediately started to tear at Sam and I. He got very frustrated that I didn’t want to leave school and dive into music completely. We fought _a lot_ about the fact that I wouldn’t just give up my degree, but I’m getting ahead of things. Eventually, the winter of my sophomore year, we recorded and released an album. It was way more successful than anyone expected, and at that point, we were ready to start talking about touring.” Myka took a deep breath, “Ok, I’m going to summarize a bit, otherwise we’ll be here all night. What it comes down to is that Sam loved being on tour, it brought out the best in him, while it exhausted me, completely wore me down, and because of that, things got difficult. No matter what was going on, no matter how much work we had or hadn’t done, Sam always wanted to be on tour.”

Helena shook her head then, “I have no idea how on earth I have not seen or heard anything about this. I feel like I’ve been living under a rock.”

Myka smiled, “Not a rock, England. We never quite expanded beyond the States. Anyway, somewhere in there I graduated from college, we released another album, and we went on a massive summer tour that kind of exploded. My life changed in ways I never anticipated, and honestly, Sam adjusted to it really well, but I never quite did. Eventually things go so big that our manager hired an assistant, who was put in charge of all of our publicity and things like that. She pushed us to move to Denver to be more attached to the city music scene. I didn’t want to go, but we did, and that’s kind of when things started to fall apart. We fought all the time. I wanted to write, take things slowly, Sam just pushed and pushed for new music and the next tour. At some point, we released our third album, which is that one,” she pointed to the coffee table, “but it came at a price. We fought the entire time. The music I wrote on that album may be some of the best I’ve ever written, but it is also some of the darkest. I wrote the entire thing while we were barely speaking. Sam always wanted things to move faster than I did, and once that happened, we were never quite on the same page again. That summer, it was 2006 I guess, we went on the largest tour we’d ever done. I thought things were a little bit better, we seemed happy, the album was successful, things seemed good, but at the end of that tour….” Helena tightened her hold on Myka’s hand slightly as her voice broke. She took a stuttering breath, “The day after we finished the tour, I found out that Sam had been sleeping with our manager’s assistant the entire time. He had been cheating on me for two months and I had no idea. I only found out because I walked in on them at the studio, and then I found out that our manager had known about a lot of it, and well things completely fell apart. I moved out of our apartment and moved back here. I lived with Pete and Amanda for almost seven months, because I didn’t know what else to do.” Myka looked up to see Helena giving her an incredulous look, “What?”

Helena shook her head, “I’m sorry darling, I just am impressed that you lived with Pete for that long and both of you are still in one piece.”

Myka chuckled, “I think a lot of that has to do with Amanda, and well, Pete was incredible, honestly. We had been through a lot together, and he kind of carried me through all of it. He’s much more tolerable when he’s in supportive mode.”

“Understandable. So is that how it ended? You and Sam? He cheated on you, and that was the end?”

Myka closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Honestly? I wish it was, but no. Eventually, we started talking again. He had broken up with Giselle, that was her name, and we missed how things were. We knew we could never be a couple again, but we thought we might still be able to play together, so we tried. We spent a few months writing together, and eventually, in December of 2007, we did a small, very small comeback sort of thing, just clubs around here, Denver, Boulder, nothing big.”

“Did it work?” Helena felt like she was missing something significant in the story. She could see how Sam’s cheating would have hurt Myka, but it didn’t quite explain all of Myka’s hesitations.

“Not really. We had a good time, but ultimately we knew it would never be the same, and that it wouldn’t truly work. We realized we couldn’t be us when we weren’t really us anymore. So, three years ago this week, we played our last show together. It was at the Regents, and afterwards we talked, came to terms with the fact that things were over. We ended on a good note. That night, I tried to convince him to stick around town, it was late, but he wanted to go back to Denver with his parents.” Helena breath had quickened, there were tears in Myka’s eyes, and Helena felt certain that the twist in her stomach indicated she knew what was coming, something so inherently familiar to her, but so incomprehensible. Myka wiped at her cheeks and sped to her conclusion, “I got a call that night that there had been an accident. The roads were icy and people were reckless, and in the end Sam was gone.”

Clarity hit Helena like a freight train. All of Pete’s words about Myka’s scars, Myka’s own intimations about brokenness, the way everyone in town knew her but never quite talked about why, the way Myka never spoke about why she quit playing piano. Suddenly in one painful moment, Helena understood. Vanessa had said Myka had been through more than anyone should in one lifetime, and Helena realized she had. Her career, the man she had loved, her life in so many ways, gone in one heart-wrenching moment. She didn’t speak, she just held onto Myka’s hand and listened to her breathing through her tears. 

Eventually, Myka resumed talking, “After that I moved back here officially. I had moved into my own place at one point, a little bit north of town, but it never felt right, and afterwards…well, afterwards I realized my place was here. So I moved back, and I opened the store. This is the part of the story where my father makes his lovely appearance of hoping I’ll take over the store and I say no, and that brings us to where my relationship is with him today. Anyway, I opened the store and here I am. Pete and Vanessa really were who got me through all of it, and Claudia eventually, but the affects, well, the affects still linger, obviously.”

Helena couldn’t find any words, or at least any that she thought might be appropriate given Myka’s anguish. She sat in stunned silence, finding it incomprehensible that she had been so ignorant of such a huge part of Myka’s life. As if it were happening to someone else, she felt Myka give her hand a squeeze, “Helena?”

She jostled herself back to attention, “I’m sorry darling, I think, I think I’m just trying to process.”

“I’m sorry, I know this is _a lot_ of information to throw at you, but, like I said, I needed you to know, I have waited for far too long to tell you in the first place.”

The questions that were bouncing around Helena’s mind finally started to flow, “So this is why you said you don’t play your piano anymore? Why you don’t stick around when we’re rehearsing.”

“Yes. It’s not that I wanted to stop playing, but after…it sort of felt like everything my life was before was over. I recognize now that it probably wasn’t the best way of dealing, completely divorcing myself from everything I was before, but at the time it was the only way I knew how to deal with it. For so long, every time I tried to play it just reminded me too much of Sam, of everything, so I stopped. As for you guys, it’s not that I don’t want to stay, because I do, but sometimes, the memories, it’s too much. Watching you guys, the way you are together, it reminds me too much of how it was when things were good, and I can’t always handle it.”

“So what about tonight then? Vanessa said tonight was special, important to you…”

“The first year after Sam died, I wanted to figure out some sort of way to remember him, to give myself space to actually acknowledge what had happened, because most of the time, I just avoided it. So that first anniversary, it fell on a Wednesday, I asked Vanessa if I could play, and it kind of became something everyone needed, a way for everyone to remember and to try and heal. So every year, on the Wednesday closest to when it happened, I play.”

“You said most of the time you avoided acknowledging it, is that why no one seems to bring it up, or talk about it? It just feels so strange to know I’ve been living in this town for three months, and everyone was affected by this huge blow, and no one says anything.”

“They’ve done that for me. Honestly, I’m shocked too that no one told you, because I’m sure some people still do talk. This town, they’re my family, and people realized really fast that the only way I was going to be able to cope, to move on was if I wasn’t being asked about it all the time. People gave me my space, and I dealt on my own, and somehow they’ve just continued to respect that space.”

“I don’t know how you’ve done this Myka…been able to stay here, been able to do what you do…”

Myka chuckled in a self-deprecating way, “Trust me, it has not been easy. I debated leaving for awhile, but I never could. So much of my life is here, my family is here, and I didn’t really know where I’d go. So I stayed, I figured out how to survive without letting it affect my every move, though, sometimes,” here she gave Helena an inscrutable look, “sometimes it still does.”

“Do…do you miss it? Your music, I mean, because after hearing you tonight, I don’t know how you keep it inside. You…you are so talented Myka.”

She blushed, “Thank you, and I do miss it, sometimes. I still write, quite a bit actually, but I don’t know, it’s just never quite felt right. It was so much of my life with Sam, that to do it by myself, I don’t know…I just haven’t quite found the way to do it alone. Plus, I don’t really miss all the other stuff, the contracts and the touring and the chaos. I mostly just miss being heard.”

“Myka…” Helena wasn’t sure how to ask her next question, because she felt fairly certain that it would explain far more of what was going on between her and Myka than she was sure she was prepared for, yet she wanted to ask, she wanted, she _needed_ to know. She looked up into Myka’s eyes, so open, so willing to say things that she hadn’t before, and they instilled in her a sense of hope, “Myka, why didn’t you tell me any of this before? Why…why did you wait so long?”

Myka shot her that crooked smile, “I was wondering when that question would come up.”

“Myka, I’m sorry…”

“No, Helena, don’t apologize. Of all the things that I have and will tell you tonight, that is probably the most important. None of this even matters really, unless you get the answer to that question, and because I’m terrible, and somehow can’t stop stalling, I think now would be a great time for the something stronger portion of the evening.”

Helena just shook her head, incredulous and amused…this woman. She unfolded herself from the couch, and let her fingers linger on Myka’s shoulder as she walked past, “Is wine of a strong enough variety?”

“Wine would be perfect.”

“Red or white?”

“If you’re offering, white.”

Helena returned quickly with two glasses, one of which she handed to Myka before resettling herself on the couch, underneath the blanket, her toes lightly resting against Myka’s. She eyed Myka carefully, “So, any other requests so that I may continue to enable your stalling?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Ok, fine, I guess I deserved that, but no. Thank you though, for this,” she tipped her glass slightly towards Helena.

“You’re quite welcome darling.” 

Helena didn’t push any further, simply sipped her wine and waited, eyes lingering on Myka every so often. Myka ran a light fingertip along the edge of her glass, and that one motion was enough to distract Helena into thinking how that fingertip would feel sliding along skin, rather than glass. She took another long swallow of wine, praying that the alcohol might chase her distraction away, it only half-worked. Finally, Myka continued speaking, as though she had never truly stopped, “There’s a part of me that loves how much people care about me around here, that they feel some kind of investment in my life, in whether or not I’m happy. I know that most of the time it comes from a genuine place of concern, but it doesn’t stop it from being suffocating at times. My past, everything that happened, it’s not that I want to run from it necessarily, I know how much it’s made me who I am, but sometimes, it’s exhausting having people constantly looking at you, and you can just tell that they are wondering if you’re still broken. People that have known me my whole life, who I care about, sometimes still look at me and I can see the pity lingering just below the surface, and it makes them treat me with kid gloves. I don’t think they do it on purpose, but it’s hard, knowing that people look at you, and don’t just see you, they see all your pain and you know they’re just wondering if you’re going to snap, if you’re going to break…”

“If you’re going to _shatter_?” Myka’s words from earlier in the evening rose up in Helena’s throat and she was powerless to stop them.

Myka smiled, relief flooding her entire body, “Exactly. I mean, even Vanessa sometimes, I’ll catch her looking at me and I can tell she’s thinking about it, and wondering if I’m ok. So, when you came along, and you didn’t know anything, it was like a breath of fresh air. It felt like a chance for me to just be _myself_ without all the baggage and lingering questions. You looked at me and there was nothing hovering in the background. I cannot tell you how long it has been since someone looked at me and I felt like they were just seeing _me._ It was refreshing, to have someone not seeing me and visualizing my pain, my sadness, my brokenness all at the same time. I just loved that I felt like with you I might be able to have a clean start.” Myka reached over where Helena’s free hand was resting by her side, she had to lean a bit farther forward to reach it, but she adjusted so that she could once again entwine their fingers.

Helena toyed with the ring wrapped around Myka’s middle finger, staring at it as it revolved around her skin as she twirled it, without looking up she asked, “So what made you change your mind? What made you tell me now?”

“I finally let myself actually listen to something Pete said to me,” she laughed.

“Wisdom from Peter, well this ought to be good.”

“Do you remember that night when I ran out of the store? When you started singing ‘Shadows of the Night?’”

Helena nodded, eyes still intent on Myka’s fingers, “I do.”

“Actually, first let me explain that, the running out that is. That song…it was the song that made Vanessa approach us the first time she saw us play. I had done an arrangement of it that she loved, and it was kind of what got us our start. I still haven’t truly been able to listen to it since, and honestly? That night, I couldn’t handle hearing you sing it, it would have wrecked me.”

That made Helena finally look up, meeting Myka’s eyes with questioning, and a little bit of hope, “Why?”

For once, Myka didn’t back away, she didn’t hesitate, she didn’t falter, “Because feeling the way I feel about you, your voice, your incredible voice, singing a song from my past, it was more than I could handle. I felt like things were colliding and I wasn’t ready to deal with it.”

Helena flushed, feeling the heat surge through her body and nestle somewhere in her chest, “The way you feel about me?”

Helena still kept expecting Myka to pause, to question, to pull back, but she never did, if anything she clung to Helena’s hand more, “I think at this point it’s fairly obvious how I feel about you.”

Helena blushed slightly, “I never wanted to assume…”

“Helena, I guarantee that when it comes to us, to _me_ , all of your assumptions would be correct.”

Helena glanced down at their entwined hands, “Maybe that’s true now, but it wasn’t always that easy. _You_ , darling, rarely make anything easy, however, I must say I eventually figured that maybe, possibly, my assumptions weren’t baseless.”

Myka gave her an appraising, but questioning look, “Unfortunately for you, the not making things easy thing is absolutely true. However, I’m sure you’re up for the challenge. But what made you change your tune about your assumptions?”

Helena chuckled, “It would seem Peter has a lot to do with bringing us to where we are.”

“Pete? Oh God, what did he do?” Myka slumped her head against her chest, she would kill him, she would absolutely kill him, if he had told Helena something stupid.

“Peter rather helped me start to see things a little bit more clearly. The night you ran out of the store, I was so worried about you. I was quite beside myself actually, though it’s embarrassing to admit. I was so desperate that I tracked Peter down at his wrestling practice the next day to try and make him explain what happened.”

Myka’s eyes widened and she laughed, “You did?”

“As I said, I was desperate…”

“And what exactly did he say?” 

“At first nothing particularly helpful, but eventually…”

Myka’s eyes dipped down to her wine glass, wondering what on earth Pete could have told her, what he could have said to her in that moment to ease even a modicum of her fears, “Eventually what?”

Helena took a deep breath, “Eventually he said that you had gotten hurt, he didn’t go into any details, but that was enough at the time. He then told me that he didn’t think that how I felt about you, which he was far more aware of then I was absolutely comfortable with, I didn’t think I was quite _that_ transparent, anyway, he said he didn’t think it was exactly one-sided.”

Myka looked up into Helena’s eyes, seeing in the dark depths an honesty she wasn’t quite sure she had expected when the night began, “It seems like Pete had a better handle on our situation that we did.”

Helena met her gaze, praying that the hope she saw in Myka’s eyes was mirrored in her own, “So it would seem. That wasn’t all he said though…there was one other thing that stuck with me.” Myka just stared at her, waiting anxiously for an answer. “He told me to fight for you, Myka.”

Myka’s eyes were shining, “Pete said that?”

Helena nodded, “He did.”

“And what did you say?” Anticipation, wonder, worry pulsed through Myka’s veins, her heart pounding harder with each passing second.

Helena simply gave her a serene sort of smile, “I told him I would.”

Myka ducked her head, willing the tears that were threatening to fall to stop, and feeling the muscles of her cheeks straining against the smile overwhelming her face. She looked back up, hand absently rubbing at her neck, “You’re kind of incredible, if you hadn’t realized that already.”

Helena gave the faintest hint of a smile, but there was a seriousness lingering behind it. She squeezed Myka’s hand, “And you, Myka Bering, are a woman worth fighting for, if you hadn’t realized _that_ already.”

Myka chuckled, “Talk about a realization that hasn’t exactly always been easy to believe.”

“Myka…” Helena wasn’t sure if her tone was meant to be conciliatory or reprimanding.

“I’m serious Helena. I mean, honestly? That’s the other reason why it’s taken me so long to tell you all of this.”

“Because you didn’t think you were worth fighting for?” Helena gave her a teasing smirk.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Aren’t I supposed to be the one who is insufferable in this relationship?”

“Just trying to keep you on your toes darling,” Helena shot her a quick wink, then paused, realizing that she shouldn’t be teasing when Myka seemed to be on the brink of another revelation. “I’m sorry, Myka, I’m making light and I shouldn’t be. What is the other reason?”

“It’s just…all of this, it’s been…it’s been an issue in the past. I think sometimes people think that I’d just totally given up dating after Sam, and it’s true it took awhile, but I did try, and it was a disaster. Things either went way too fast, in some sort of twisted attempt to ‘help me move on’ or some other bullshit excuse, or they treated me so delicately that it was impossible to tell if they liked me or just felt sorry for me. Eventually, I got so tired of dealing that I did kind of shut myself off, and then…well then, you happened, and I didn’t have the guts to tell you because I couldn’t handle getting either form of treatment from you.”

Helena watched as Myka fought back frustration and tears born out of too many years of people trying to make her be someone she wasn’t or simply wasn’t ready to be. She didn’t quite know what to say to her in that moment, but she took a deep breath anyway and tried, “Myka…I am not going to make you some sort of promise that I have no way of knowing whether I will be able to keep or not. What I will say though, is that I sit here harboring zero expectations, of you, of us, of anything, really, since I never quite imagined us even getting to this point. Nothing needs to be decided right this very moment, honestly, it’s two in the morning which means we probably shouldn’t be making decisions anyway. All I know is that I am deeply, _deeply_ grateful that you were willing to share this with me Myka. I cannot even imagine how difficult any of this has been, and your honesty is something I will never take for granted. _However_ , I will say one thing,” she gave Myka a soft, teasing smile, “none of this changes how I feel about you. Nor does it change my hopes for what could be, if it happens at the right time and at the right place. I will not push you Myka, but I must say I intend to keep up my end of the bargain I made with Pete.”

Myka was practically beaming, “I must say, I’m not so sure I’m going to require that much fighting anymore, though it’s good to know that even if I do, you’re up for the challenge.”

“Always darling.”

Myka ran her thumb across the back of Helena’s hand, they had made so much progress tonight, but there was still a little bit more, “Helena…there’s one more thing I need to say. I know, I know how much I’ve thrown at you tonight, and I’m sure you’re going to need time to process, but I need you to know how much I appreciate that you gave me time. I know how long I have strung this out, how much that had to have hurt you and I know I’ve caused you more frustration and confusion than I ever wanted to, and for that, I am so, so sorry. I also know that we both seem to be really good at dancing around the things we need to say, and I know…I know there are things I don’t know about your life, and I want you to know that that’s ok. You gave me way more time than I probably deserved, I want to give you the same. So, the not pushing thing? That goes for me too. I’m…I’m just happy we’re at this point now.”

Helena’s breathing hitched and before she knew it there were tears in her own eyes. She wasn’t sure when Myka had gotten so good at reading her, but she had, and that realization was overwhelming. Myka was more right than Helena wanted to admit, and she knew that with Myka’s new steps towards honesty, she would need to start making her own. She also knew that tonight was not the night for that, they’d been through enough already, but soon, soon it would be her turn to do the confessing. She took in a shaky, unsure breath, “I think all I know how to properly say to that, is thank you.”

Myka offered a soft, slow smile, “You’re welcome.” Myka glanced at the clock hanging by the television, 2:30, “I have officially kept you up far too late, far too many nights this week. I…I should really go and let you get some semblance of sleep.”

Myka started to unfold herself from the warm confines of the couch and the blanket, moving to stand, but Helena held fast to her hand, “Myka, you don’t have to leave.” For the first time, Helena saw nerves flit through Myka’s calm exterior, she spoke quickly to head them off, “It is 2:30 in the morning, it is still snowing, and I have a perfectly good extra bedroom. You don’t have to leave, Myka, you are more than welcome to stay, _if_ you want.”

Her nerves were gone instantly, and Myka was flooded with the realization that there was truly nowhere else she would rather be at this moment. She didn’t want to leave, though she wasn’t necessarily ready to think about the consequences of _staying_ , but she knew for certain that staying was much, much better than leaving. 

There was the expected awkwardness of figuring out how exactly to manage Myka’s staying. There were odd moments of Helena rifling through dresser drawers trying to find her pajamas and finding her an extra toothbrush. There were the moments weighted with something a little too heavy for either of them to speak about as Myka stood in Helena’s bedroom for the first time or as Helena showed her the rest of the apartment and then left her to change in the spare bedroom. There was the fidgeting hesitancy, as Myka leaned against the doorframe of the room she would be sleeping in, watching Helena fuss with pillows and blankets, then watched with bated breath as Helena stepped towards her asserting that everything was now ready. Myka suddenly didn’t know what to do with her hands, as she watched Helena get nearer and nearer, knowing full well that Helena would have to get past her in order to get to her own room. 

Helena could practically feel the nerves radiating from Myka’s body, and simply gave a soft, chuckling sigh, “Myka breathe.” She placed her hands along Myka’s upper arms and slowly turned them so that Helena was now in the doorway and Myka was firmly in the room, alone. “If you need anything else, just let me know. I’ll see you in the morning darling.” She leaned in, and Myka’s breath caught again, unsure of what she wanted to happen, but Helena simply placed another, now seemingly commonplace, kiss against her cheek, then walked out, shutting the door lightly behind her.

**

When Myka woke up, at first she had no idea where she was. She sat up slowly, taking in her surroundings, the blanket draped across her body, which she didn’t remember having the night before, the sunlight slanting in over belongings that weren’t hers, she tried to get her bearings and as she took in steady, deep breaths, the fog on her memory lifted. Helena. A smile drifted across her face as she leaned back into the pillows, inhaling deeply the heady scent of shampoo mixed with a smell she had come to associate with Helena, lavender with a hint of vanilla. She rubbed distractedly at her eyes, they itched horribly, she never should have slept in her contacts, but she didn’t have much of a choice. She fumbled for her phone, 10:30. She ran a hand through her curls, which she was sure looked like a riotous mess. She needed to get up. She had no idea why Helena hadn’t woken her up actually, because she needed to get home, the store opened soon. The more she thought about it, the odder it seemed to her that Helena had let her sleep; it was Thursday, they usually ran on Thursdays. She flung back the covers, tensing at the sudden absence of warmth. She smiled as she tugged down Helena’s shirt that hugged around her hips. She wished there was a mirror in the room, because she was sure she looked awful, and had no desire for Helena to see her sleep disheveled, but no mirror miraculously appeared. 

She slowly padded into the living room. Helena was curled under a blanket in a chair tucked into a corner. She had a book resting against her knees and a cup of tea in her hand, and she was blissfully unaware of Myka’s presence. Myka leaned against the wall, taking in the way the sunlight slanted through the curtains illuminating the dark shading of Helena’s hair, the way her fingers gripped lightly around her mug; Myka gave a momentary thought to how someone could possibly continue to get more beautiful every time she saw them. Her thoughts flew from her mind though when Helena finally looked up, eyes bright, smile wide, looking unabashedly at peace, content that Myka was there standing in front of her, in her apartment, in her clothes, “Good morning, darling.”

Myka fidgeted from one foot to another, hand unconsciously against the back of her neck, “Good morning. You could have woken me up, you’re allowing me to be a slacker, skipping our run.”

Helena just serenely smiled, “I was going to, but I must admit, when I looked in on you, I couldn’t quite bring myself to wake you. You looked far too content.”

Myka’s mind drifted back to the extra blanket she had found herself under, and just shook her head, “I usually don’t sleep in, at least not like this, and now I’m going to look like a jerk because I have to rush out on you. I have to be home to open the store.”

Helena quirked an eyebrow, and shut her book with a distinctive snap, “Actually, I’m not sure that’s going to be possible this morning.” At Myka’s confused look, Helena simply beckoned her forward with a crooked finger. When she approached, Helena effortlessly slid back the curtains, displaying for Myka a world covered in white, “It would seem you may be stuck with me for awhile longer…”

Myka gaped at the snow, “That’s seriously like a foot and a half of snow.”

“Indeed. From what I heard on the radio this morning, it came quite unexpectedly. Freak blizzard that isn’t supposed to let up until tonight.”

Myka thought for a moment, then a secretive smile tugged at her lips. She leaned her hands against the arms of Helena’s chair, “Well, I can’t say that I’m disappointed. See I told you snow can be a wondrous thing.”

Helena smiled up at her, breathless, “I’m starting to see that.”

Myka leaned in further, placing a light but sure kiss against Helena’s forehead, “I need to make a few calls, make sure that no one even thinks about coming into work. You need to get ready, and then I’m going to introduce you to one of my dear city’s hidden wonders.” She pushed herself back up, and turned back towards the hallway, shooting Helena a sly smile over her shoulder, “Sitting there isn’t exactly getting ready, Swagger. You have snow day plans to attend to, _with me_.”

All Helena could do as she watched Myka walk down the hall was wonder if she would ever be able to breath again with this woman around.

**

Myka stood at the sink, easing her contacts out from their long confinement, and muttering words of thanks that she could just throw them away and that her glasses were in her purse. She stooped to fling them into the wastebasket, only to be met with clothes flying at her when she turned around. She caught them ungracefully and not before they had struck her squarely in the face. She could just make out the slightly blurry smirk on Helena’s face where she stood arms folded, leaning against the doorframe. “You know,” Myka grumbled, “that could be considered cruel and unusual punishment considering I can only half-see at the moment.”

Helena pushed off the doorframe, “Just keeping you on your toes darling, and I don’t know about you but _my_ snow day plans do not include you having to wander around in dirty clothes that spent half of an evening in a bar last night. Now, I have complied with your request to get myself ready, I believe you need to do the same.” Helena moved away from the bathroom, only to poke her head back. in once more, “Do you need me to get your glasses? Do you actually _have_ your glasses with you?”

Myka offered Helena’s blurry form a soft smile, “I do, and if you would that would be great. They’re in my purse. I’m going to hop in the shower, as I have been directed, but if you could just set them on the counter, that way I don’t kill myself attempting to get ready.”

**

Myka emerged from the bathroom with curls just this side of unruly from their blow-drying, feeling far more comfortable than she figured she should wrapped up an Oxford hoodie that smelled exactly like Helena. She had taken in a deep breath of it when she pulled it on, and wondered if it was possible to get drunk off of a smell and how much of a fight Helena would put up if she refused to give it back to her. Helena was waiting patiently for her on the couch, idly thumbing through a magazine. 

“Ok, I am ready. Are you ready to take on this blizzard?”

If Helena thought Myka missed the blush that crept up her cheeks as she took in Myka standing there unabashedly comfortable and devastatingly attractive in her sweatshirt, she was greatly mistaken. Myka noticed every inch of it, but didn’t say a word, simply appreciated the affect she was having. Helena stood on suddenly shaky legs, “I suppose so, though I’m still wondering if you are absolutely crazy.”

Myka chuckled and tugged on her coat, “Oh, I’m not denying that, but it will be worth it I assure you.” She handed Helena her coat, making her laugh as she placed her hat on her head for her, tugging it down over her ears, the momentum pulling them closer together.

Helena leaned into the embrace slightly, “Well, then I anxiously await the wonders of your fair snow-covered city.”

Myka’s breath hitched as something warm and inviting uncoiled and nestled in her stomach. She knew she needed to take her time, she knew that Helena had said things about right times and right places, she knew that they had truly decided nothing last night, but looking at Helena like this, so open and relaxed, comfortable and teasing, it made her want every moment to be the right time and the right place. She slid her hands down from Helena’s ears to the lapels of her coat, and pulled slightly, letting her lips rest on the bridge of Helena’s nose, feeling Helena’s slow intake of breath as she did so. Right time, right place, she would make it work; Helena made her want nothing more than to make it work. She pulled back slightly, though not completely from Helena’s personal space, “Alright you, the city awaits.”

“Are you going to actually tell me where we’re going?” Helena queried as they made their way downstairs.

Myka turned a faux-thoughtful face to her, “Umm…no. C’mon where would the fun be in that?”

As they emerged into the bright glare of sun glinting off of snow, Myka came to a decision. Faced with an empty world before them, undisturbed as yet by tire tracks or footprints, she knew that there was no one she would rather be experiencing this with than Helena. She didn’t necessarily want to spend hours upon hours talking about it, she didn’t want to sit and wonder and debate definitions, she just wanted to _be_ , to _exist_ with her, in these moments, if she was being honest, in all future moments, but this one would be a start. She eyed her carefully as they paused on the sidewalk, Helena waiting for her to guide them where they were going. Helena turned to meet her gaze, and watched as Myka’s eyes drifted down to their gloved hands. Myka’s eyes returned to Helena’s and she offered a contented, rather goofy, crooked smile, and stepped closer, slipping her fingers between Helena’s, and giving her hand a light squeeze. Helena returned her smile with contented ease, and simply gave a shy, but definitive nod. They didn’t need to talk about this, not right now, because right now it was simple enough to just settle in and be together, covered in snow, cold nipping at their ears and their noses. For now, they could just be the two of them, and that was enough. Myka gave their entwined hands another squeeze, then pulled Helena down the sidewalk, “C’mon, it’s this way and thankfully not far.”

Helena wasn’t sure if it was simply because of Myka’s hand nestled inside her own, but for the first time she actually saw, _felt_ , what Myka had been trying to tell her about snow. The world had an overwhelming sense of peace. There were a few other people out and about, but they were quiet, serene, strolling with ease, rather than the gait of people with places to be and deadlines to meet. It was as though the entire city had come to a halt, and everyone was appreciating it in whatever ways they desired. Helena felt as though they were thousands of miles away, rather than a few blocks from her apartment. She took in a deep breath, letting the cold fill her lungs, relishing the small droplets of snow that had gathered on her eyelashes. She exhaled and murmured, “I think I get it now…”

Myka gave a her a small smirk, “Get what?”

“You and the snow. I’ve never quite experienced something like this…it’s beautiful.”

“These are the best days, because they’re so rare. It’s like the whole city just stops and breathes, no one worries about anything because there is nothing they can do about it, so they just stop and live without a care in the world for a few moments.”

Helena turned her head up to the skies, much in the way Myka did those few weeks ago at the sign of winter’s first flakes, “It’s wondrous.”

Myka bumped against her shoulder, “I told you…snow demands to just be breathed in. You can’t stop it, so you might as well just appreciate it, savor it, while it’s here.” As the words left her mouth, Myka’s feet stalled. She realized, as she stared at Helena, face still upturned towards the falling flakes that her words applied just as much to being here in this moment with Helena, as they did to the snow falling around them. She just watched her, the flakes dancing across her eyelids, the soft smile on her face, the way the light sparkled through the shifting strands of her hair. Right time, right place, Myka thought. She stepped slightly closer to her, causing her to finally open her eyes, almost surprised to see Myka suddenly so close. 

Helena almost spoke, she almost asked if this was ok, she almost checked to make sure that this was what Myka wanted, she almost let words like time, too fast, and right place slip from her tongue, _almost_. The look on Myka’s face stopped her, the realization that if Myka was making this move, then this was what she wanted, and Helena wasn’t going to stop her, not in a million years. 

Myka had to look down somewhat to meet Helena’s eyes, and the smile on Helena’s face was enough to make her breathing stall and restart in small gasps wisped through slightly parted lips. She curled her hands around the lapels of Helena’s coat and pulled her closer, relishing the feeling of Helena willingly leaning into the movement, her hands coming up to rest softly but securely on Myka’s hips. Myka tilted her head, and with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, she pressed her lips against Helena’s. Both of their noses were cold, and Helena’s lips were a little dry from the wind, but neither of them cared. Myka’s lips were soft and sure, while Helena tried not to smile too deeply out of fear that it would cause their lips to break apart. Myka parted her lips slightly as she slowly pulled away, her bottom lip dragging briefly across Helena’s top lip. Myka leaned her head back, but somehow pulled Helena closer. Helena’s eyes were still closed, lips still half-parted; Myka pressed another quick, light peck against those kiss and cold-reddened lips, then whispered, “Snow looks good on you…”

Helena chuckled and opened her eyes to Myka’s crooked smile, “Well, I must say if that’s going to happen every time I’m out in the snow with you, I might just start hoping for year long blizzards.”

Myka smiled, a blush creeping into cheeks, “Year long blizzards would be good…”

“Well, except for the whole part of this where we both have jobs. Year long blizzards might make your customers a bit cranky, darling.”

Myka pressed another kiss to Helena’s lips, “I don’t care, it’d be worth it.”

Helena pulled a bit further back to look Myka in the eye, quirking an eyebrow, “So, are there actually hidden winter wonders in this city, or was this just some elaborate plan to get me out in a blizzard.”

Myka laughed and linked her hand back with Helena’s turning their steps back in the direction they had been going before they had stopped, “Trust me, we actually are going somewhere, though I must say, when it comes to you, I’ve stopped any attempts at planning, they always end up flying out the window once I see you.”

“I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing…”

“You keep me on my toes, that’s a good thing.” They turned a corner and Myka pointed towards a long line of people standing along the sidewalk, “ _That_ is why I dragged you out in the snow… _other things_ were just a happy side effect.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “What on earth?” Looking at Myka’s smile, Helena had a flash of the pictures of her as a toddler that she had seen at the store; she looked so happy, happier than Helena had possibly ever seen her. 

Myka rushed them forward to join the throng of people gathered together, “So, it’s a little known secret,” she considered the line in front of her, “ok it _was_ a little known secret that the coffee shop up there has never put hot chocolate on their menu, ever, _except_ when there’s at least a foot of snow on the ground, then it’s all they serve, and I swear to God, it is the best hot chocolate you will ever have.”

Helena tried to bite back her laugh, “You sound like you are five years old! What happened to your sweets aversion?”

Myka just rolled her eyes towards her, smiling, “I do have a few exceptions, and this is one of them, trust me, you will thank me later.”

“We shall see about that.” 

**

When they got back to Helena’s apartment, Helena waited until Myka had shrugged off her coat and put it back in the closet, before she tugged on her hand, pulling her into her arms, and kissing her soundly. Myka giggled and balanced her paper cup against Helena’s shoulder, happily returning the kiss. When Helena pulled away, Myka breathed in a deep breath of surprise, “What was that for?”

Helena just smiled over her shoulder as she set her own cup down and started to take off her coat, “Thanking you, as you said I would, because that,” she pointed towards her cup, “is ridiculously delicious. Also, I’m kind of enjoying that it’s simply something I can do at the moment.”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth as she blushed, “Both perfectly valid reasons.”

“I thought so as well. So, what on earth are we going to do with our snowed-in selves for the rest of the day? Unless you have more hidden wonders up your sleeve?”

Myka chuckled, “I must admit the wonders of this city are kind of endless, however, the cocoa was really my only one for today. I’m totally tapped out of ideas.”

“I highly doubt that, you’re probably just trying to make me decide what we’re going to do.”

“Possibly…”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Well, I can’t say I particularly feel up for doing much of anything, if I’m being perfectly honest.”

“Doing nothing is a totally acceptable way of spending a snow day. I am in full support of doing nothing but watching movies and reading all day if that’s what you want to do.”

“That sounds perfect.”

So it was that four hours later, Myka found herself leaning back into Helena’s arms, head resting on her shoulder, feeling her press light kisses into her curls every now and then. Turning to look at the TV screen, Myka realized that the credits were rolling, despite the fact that she was almost certain they were only halfway through the movie. Feeling another kiss pressed into her hair, she turned to look at Helena and winced from the stiffness in her neck, “Oh ow, ow, wow, that is so not a good feeling.”

Helena laughed into her curls, “You became rather immovable once you fell asleep darling.”

Myka sat up, slowly stretching her neck back and forth, “I’m sorry, that can’t have been very comfortable for you.”

Helena shrugged her shoulder, “You won’t hear any complaints from me, though you did miss the end of the movie.”

“Apparently I didn’t make a very good choice when I picked it out then,” Myka tried to stifle a yawn, but was unsuccessful.

Helena pressed against her back slightly to get her to adjust, so she could swing her legs out from around her, “How about you pick out another, and I’ll make us some coffee?”

“Sounds good.”

Helena came back in with two mugs, while Myka pressed play on the remote, “Perfect timing,” she smiled up at Helena as she took the mug from her extended hand. 

Helena settled back into her corner of the couch, perplexed as she watched Myka huddle into the opposite corner. She lightly nudged her foot against the back of Myka’s thigh, “Hey Sleepy, what are you doing all the way over there?”

Myka smiled shyly, sipping her coffee, eyes focused on the TV, “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable…”

Helena rolled her eyes and sat up so she could tug at Myka’s arm where it lay across her feet, “Get over here.” Myka was more than willing to obey Helena’s request, and quickly sank back into her previous position, nestling back against Helena’s chest comfortably. As she gave a sigh of contentment, Helena pressed a kiss to the top of her head, “If you must know, I quite enjoy having you cuddled next to me, so stop worrying about my comfort. _You_ make me comfortable.”

Myka smiled contentedly, fingers fiddling with Helena’s hand that wasn’t holding her coffee, “Well, you happen to be very comfortable, so I guess we’re both happy.”

Helena smiled into Myka’s hair, whispering against her curls, “I must confess that yes, I am quite, quite happy.” This only caused Myka to recline deeper into Helena’s arms, bringing their entwined hands up to her lips to kiss the back of Helena’s hand. She felt Helena’s other arm move to place her coffee on the table, then shift up to tangle in and run through her curls. “Myka…”

“Hmmm?”

Myka’s whole body lifted as Helena took in a deep breath, “Should…should we talk about this?”

Myka sighed heavily. She knew they needed to, because going through this without any thought to the consequences and the affects would only get one, or both, of them hurt, and the last thing she wanted was to hurt Helena. Yet, something pulled within her, dark and twisting, that she didn’t know how to put into words what she wanted from Helena or what she felt for her. She _knew_ what she felt, but it had been so long since she’d been this far in, this deep, this fast, and it scared the hell out of her, so the idea of trying to speak it out loud, to define it, made her breath quicken with anxiety and her muscles tighten with worry. She sat her mug next to Helena’s, reaching for the remote to pause the movie. She sat back up, her body already missing the warmth of Helena’s, and turned around so that she could face her. She tucked her legs underneath her, her knees knocking slightly against Helena’s where she had curled them up so she was no longer bracketing Myka’s body. Helena’s fingers were running distractedly though her hair, and Myka reached a hand up to still one of them, tugging at her wrist, bringing the wayward hand down into her own, and resting it in her lap. She looked into Helena’s eyes, and her heart felt a thud of anguish at the worry that was lying just behind their brown depths. Myka so desperately wanted to be strong, to take that worry from Helena and tell her it had no place there, but she knew, if she allowed herself to be honest, that Helena had every right and reason to be worried. Finally, she allowed herself to speak, unsure what words would actually come out, and simply hoping that they would be the right ones, the honest ones. “You’re right, we should, but just…just let me say something first ok?” She watched Helena give a barely perceptible nod, then she continued, “This scares the hell out of me. There have been days where I haven’t been sure if I can handle the way I feel about you, because it feels like it might tear me in half, and yet I know that it’s somehow the thing that’s helping keep me together. I know we talked last night about time and space, but honestly? I don’t want space, and I have had enough time, too much time probably. I know what I want, but I also know that I’m going to need this to go slowly. And I am absolutely certain that I am going to fuck some things up, and that scares me too, because Helena, the last thing I want is for you to get hurt. But I know me, and I know how this has gone in the past, and that wasn’t even with near this level of feeling, and I just…I don’t want to be the person who breaks your heart.”

Helena’s lips quirked in a barely noticeable smirk, “I really want to say, ‘then don’t break it,’ yet I know that would be trite and make this sound much simpler than it is. Myka, you said you know what you want. What exactly is that?”

Myka didn’t even hesitate, “You, and maybe that sounds corny or like you said, too simple, but that’s what it comes down to. I know that I don’t want us to just keep dancing around each other, wondering how the other feels. I don’t want to keep teasing about it, or coming to the line and pulling back like we’ve,” Myka’s mind flitted to their night in the coffee shop and the pained look in Helena’s eyes in that moment and corrected herself, “Like _I’ve_ , been doing for weeks. I want to figure out what we could be, together.” It then occurred to Myka, that through all of this, through last night and even now, Helena had been deferring to her, wanting to hear her feelings, wanting to know what she needed and wanted, but had given little indication as to what she was thinking or feeling. That thought made Myka feel dizzy and embarrassed, she’d been spewing out all these emotions, with little idea of where Helena was with any of this. Myka looked down at their tangled fingers, lightly running the tip of her finger over Helena’s knuckles and nails, “Helena…what do you want? This whole time, you’ve been letting me kind of dictate the conversation, but what about you?” 

Helena gave a soft chuckle, “Apparently, my inability to stop kissing you hasn’t exactly been clear enough.” Helena looked up to, thankfully, see a smile tugging at the corners of Myka’s mouth, but she continued on before Myka could speak, “I meant what I said last night Myka, that I have no intention of pushing you, but I also have no intention of letting you go either, which possibly sounds like two opposing ideas.” She waved a dismissive hand at her ineloquence, “Regardless, Myka, since the moment that I stepped foot in your store, from the moment that I saw you, you are what I have wanted. For some people that would probably sound quite irrational, however, I have known from the very beginning that the only result I would ever be satisfied with is you and me. I will say though, my own track record is shaky at best. I have never exactly done relationships well, so as much as you are sitting there worried about hurting me, I have the exact same fears, darling.”

“How exactly do we get past that? Because I don’t really see this working if we’re both just doing whatever it takes so as not to hurt the other person. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s a good goal, but it’s also not a very healthy, nor productive one.”

“No, it isn’t. It would do neither of us any good to just spend all of our time together tiptoeing around. No, if we’re going to do this, I would much prefer that we were doing it fully and completely as ourselves.”

Myka nodded, “Agreed.” She then crinkled her forehead and sighed, “God, are we making this too complicated? I mean I think at this point, it’s fairly obvious that we both want this…”

Helena laughed, “I think we both might be a bit too pragmatic and worried about the other to not make this complicated.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but my life has had its fair share of complicated, and I, for one, would like a little simple and easy, and honestly Helena? Since last night, since the second that I looked at you while I was singing, this has felt simple. Being here with you, like this? It feels like the most natural place for me to be, and if I’m lucky enough that it feels that way for you too, then why can’t we just go from there?”

“I think we very much can go from there, darling, as I’m not quite sure I can explain how much I’ve enjoyed just having you here.”

Myka smiled and leaned forward, tangling a hand in Helena’s hair, drawing her closer. She paused for half of a second, simply to enjoy the look of Helena like this, eyes closed, lips already parted, just waiting, and then she kissed her, fervently and deeply, letting her teeth and tongue nip and soothe lightly at Helena’s lips. She only pulled back when she needed air, resting her forehead against Helena’s, “And I’ve, _clearly_ , loved being here, though I probably should go home at some point, already living in your apartment would probably not serve our going slowly plan very well.”

Helena laughed, her breath stealing across Myka’s cheeks in waves, “That is rather true, however, I believe you still have a few more hours of blizzard to survive with me.”

“They should have the roads clear by tomorrow morning. Do you think you can deal with me for a few more hours.”

Helena tilted her forehead and placed a light kiss against the corner of Myka’s mouth, “I’m sure I’ll manage.”

Myka breathed deeply, “I’m not sure you really have a choice, honestly, unless you want me to walk home and leave you to shovel my car out.”

“I think I’ll leave that to your Colorado expertise darling.”

Myka leaned back slightly, and looked at Helena for a moment, “So…are we….”

Helena smirked, “I believe we’re both responsible adults who don’t necessarily need to sit here and debate definitions. This is what we both want, therefore, if you’re in, as am I.”

Myka chuckled, “Well, I guess that settles that.”

“Indeed, darling. Now, shall we actually watch the movie you’ve picked out, or are you just buying time so you can justifiably fall asleep again?”

Myka pretended to look offended and gave a small pinch to Helena’s calf, “Hush you. I happen to love this movie, so if I fall asleep I demand you wake me.”

“Duly noted darling.” 

Helena stretched out her legs straining her muscles to get her blood moving again. Myka gave a light pull at her ankles, “Here, lay down.” Helena quirked an incredulous eyebrow at her, Myka just slapped at her knee, “Stop! I didn’t mean it like that, no I’m just sure you’re sore from being in the same position all day, so stretch out.” Myka gave another pull at Helena’s legs as she finally acquiesced and stretched onto her side. Myka pushed her legs a little further forward, then moved so she could recline back next to her, one arm tucked under the pillow they were sharing, the other curled tightly around Helena’s waist. Myka reached up and tucked Helena’s hair back from her shoulder, breathing it in as it settled lightly against Helena’s back and some of Myka’s chest, “There, much better. Also, I totally should have known you would own ‘Love Actually.’”

“I believe the royal family might revoke my citizenship if I didn’t…”

Myka chuckled into the base of Helena’s neck, “And you could never have _that_.”

“My family might disown me if that happened,” Helena quipped, as she reached down and tucked her hand into the one Myka had curled around her waist, happy that Myka couldn’t see just how deeply contented she was to be lying there in her arms.

**

It took a moment for the sensation that woke her to register in Helena’s mind. It felt tingly, yet sort of ticklish. It was so light she wondered how it actually had woken her up. When the feeling was quickly followed by a rush of warm air, the corners of her mouth curled up and a sigh escaped her lips, Myka, not just Myka, but her lips, ghosting against the nape of her neck, urging, beckoning her to awaken, to rejoin the present. Words began to flit across her skin, “You are no longer allowed to mock me for falling asleep.”

Helena desperately wanted to turn, to look into Myka’s eyes, to wrap herself so completely in the embrace Myka had her in, but she couldn’t bear to pry herself away from this _feeling_ , this lightness that was Myka breathing, speaking, teasing against her skin. She sighed again, lightly, happily, “And why exactly is that?”

“Because,” another light kiss, “you have been asleep,” another, “for over half of this movie, which might as well be criminal.”

She felt Myka’s chuckle in the breath that danced across her skin, and in the muscles of her back as Myka’s chest rose and fell against it, “I am deeply sorry darling.” Finally, she allowed herself to pull and twist, breaking connections that felt so intimate, only to readjust and reconnect, now that she could look fully into the glistening green of Myka’s eyes that were practically dancing with laughter.

Now that she could, Myka leaned in and lightly kissed her lips, “No need to apologize, now we’re even.” 

Helena laughed lightly, “Apparently, movies were not the greatest choice for us this afternoon.”

Myka shrugged her one free shoulder, “Eh, I’m not complaining. However, it isn’t really afternoon anymore, look outside.”

Helena leaned up slightly, peering through her windows that presented her with a twilit sky, and a fading sunset, “I suppose the day has slipped away from us. We probably should think about dinner at some point, are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“Well then,” Helena gave her a quick peck then moved to extract herself from the couch, albeit begrudgingly, “dinner it is.” She reached out a hand, which Myka quickly took, and pulled her up from the couch.

Quietly, contentedly, they maneuvered around each other in Helena’s kitchen, putting together a piecemeal dinner. Myka kept having to shake herself from dazed moments of unbelief, unsure how the two of them were here in such a domesticated, comfortable state. It had been so long since she had felt anything close to this, and a part of her brain was straining against it, worried, hesitant, clenched in a tight ball of fear at how quickly it could all dissipate. Yet, thankfully, for the moment, for the day, her heart won out, pushing down her fears to a miniscule, barely noticeable twinge, allowing her to simply revel in the feeling, the idea of her and Helena.

The rest of their evening passed easily. They read, they both miraculously made it through an entire movie awake, they didn’t particularly talk much, both appreciating the momentary calm, the ease of being together. Things felt simple, though they both knew that once they left the confines of this space, once the snow ceased, once life started spinning again, the ease would disappear. There were still things to talk through, to deal with, to maneuver. Helena knew that Myka would eventually need space and distance to sort through the complexities of their future, to figure out if her heart was ready to handle that move. Myka knew that Helena still carried a burden that would someday need to be shared, and that might make things between them difficult. So, for tonight, they existed, letting the worries of tomorrow wait for tomorrow. Things felt _right_ , up until the point that Helena had started to yawn so much that Myka started urging that they get ready for bed. They danced around each other getting ready, an uneasiness settling over their calm. Each of them knew what it was, but neither seemed particularly ready to voice it. 

It was Helena that broke first, as she stood, leaning against the doorframe of her bedroom, watching Myka wrestle her hair up into a bun across the hall in the bathroom. She cleared her throat, embarrassed that when she spoke her voice still cracked, “Myka…” She watched as Myka’s shoulders tensed, then relaxed, as she gave a final definitive tug to her hair, then moved to mirror Helena’s stance, leaning against the bathroom door.

Myka felt a blush creep up her neck, but knew that a smirk was also playing on her lips. Her stomach did an odd flip that she was somehow capable of flustering Helena, who always seemed so composed, “ _Helena…_ ”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Are you seriously going to make me say this, or are we just going to stand here awkwardly in the hallway?”

Myka winked at her, “Sorry, I just so rarely get to see you flustered, it’s kind of cute.”

“I am not flustered, I just don’t know how exactly to deal with this,” she hastily gestured between their two bodies, her eyes darting sideways in a not so subtle glace towards her bedroom.

Myka laughed and took a deep breath, pushing off of the doorframe and going to stand directly in front of Helena, “There is nothing to deal with. I can stay in the guest room, it probably makes sense for me to stay in the guest room. It seems less…”

“Complicated? Fraught? Tempting?” Helena ran a distracted hand through her hair, just to give her something to focus on other than Myka standing _right there_.

“Any and all of those seem appropriate.”

Helena kept her eyes diverted from Myka’s, “It just feels…odd…after today…”

Myka tugged at the front of Helena’s t-shirt to draw her attention and her eyes back to her, “Helena, breathe. One would say it is in the best interests of our well-established ‘go slow’ plan that I sleep in the guest room.”

Helena said nothing, her eyes still refusing to stay focused on Myka.

Myka’s eyebrows furrowed, and a smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth, “Unless…Helena? Do you want me to stay with you?”

Helena heaved a deep, exasperated sigh, “I don’t know. Honestly, I was not exactly expecting to feel this tangled, because you’re right, it makes sense, it completely makes sense...”

“But...”

Helena rushed on, letting the words tumble out so that they were free of her lungs and maybe free from her brain, “But after spending an entire day with you like this, it just feels strange to send you off to another room by yourself.”

Myka chuckled, she never expected to witness Helena this off-balance, “Remember what I said about offering my untangling skills should you be in need of them? Here ya go. Untangling commencing. I am one hundred percent fine sleeping in whichever bed you would prefer for me to be in this evening, because no matter where I am, sleeping is what will be happening. I think we can both agree on that, therefore, given that we spent the majority of the afternoon sleeping on the couch, there seems little harm if I’m in there with you, but I’m also ok if you think it’s best that I’m down the hall.”

Helena’s eyes darted towards Myka, wide and worried, “Why is this suddenly _my_ decision”

Myka tugged at her shirt again, “ _Because_ you’re the one fidgeting nervously in the doorway, unable to look me in the eye. I told you, I’m good either way.”

Helena’s eyes finally turned back to Myka, and they were shimmering with more anxiety than Myka had anticipated, “Do you promise? Myka…I don’t want this to rush and then…”

Myka finally reached for Helena’s hands that were clutching to her elbows in a death grip, slowly prying them away so that she could hold them tightly in her own, “Helena, I promise. Please don’t jump that far ahead. Here’s what I think. I think today has been kind of a weird day to start a relationship on, because in the last 24 hours we have had a fairly intense dose of each other. Given that, I honestly have zero issue following you into that room, because it’s probably the last time it would happen for a while, in the interest of the going slowly we’re both so concerned about. However, if me following you in there is going to cause this,” she unlinked one of their hands and pointed a finger up and down Helena’s rigid posture, “then I think the guest room is probably my best option.” Myka gave the hand she still had clasped a squeeze, then leaned down and placed a light kiss against Helena’s forehead, and another to her lips, “Good night Helena.” She unlaced their fingers and turned to walk down the hall, but before she was more than two steps away, she felt Helena’s fingers steal back into her own and pull her back with a swift tug. She turned back trying to school the smirk that was threatening to overwhelm her, and simply arched an eyebrow Helena’s way. Helena didn’t say a word, just tugged her into the room, and pointed swiftly to the right side of the bed. 

Myka chuckled and crawled into her appointed side, turning to face Helena who was a bit more graceful getting under the covers. Once she was comfortable, Helena turned to where Myka was facing her. Nestled together, Myka draped a careful hand over Helena’s waist, making sure to keep her hand firmly against the fabric of Helena’s shirt, “I wondered if walking away might spark a little bit of that swagger…”

Helena gave a light kick to Myka’s shin, “Hush. We are simply not going to talk about my pathetic display of near desperation ever again.”

“Desperation, swagger, same difference.”

Something like concern stole across Helena’s eyes, “You will eventually discover darling, that my swagger is at times, simply a very good front.”

Myka swallowed down a smart comment, knowing that Helena was offering something up that she didn’t usually share, “I think I know a little something about that. And don’t get me wrong, I love your swagger, but you, like this? I’ll take this every time. I don’t need the swagger, Helena, just you.”

Helena adjusted her position slightly in order to give Myka a small kiss, “You, Myka Bering, are one of a kind.”

“It bodes well for me that you think that,” Myka smiled.

“Always.” Helena then rolled slightly to shut off the lamp on her nightstand, dousing them in darkness, save for the moonlight filtering through the curtains. She curled back towards Myka, who leaned in managing to capture Helena’s lips despite the dark. Myka brought up a hand to curl against the nape of Helena’s neck, unwilling to let her go just yet. Her lips moved softly, but surely, intentionally against Helena’s, reveling in the light traces Helena’s tongue made against her bottom lip. It was heaven, and Myka wanted nothing more than to give in to those traces, to fall into Helena like there was no tomorrow. Yet, there was a tomorrow, a tomorrow where they returned to a normal life, where they were still two people in the very early stages of a very delicate relationship, and Myka knew that she needed to pull away, knew she would regret it if she didn’t. So, hesitantly, slowly, she did, leaning back in quickly for another small, light kiss mere moments after their lips had separated. She whispered against Helena’s still parted lips, “Good night Swagger.”

Myka felt Helena’s lips quirk up in a smile before she responded, “Good night Sleepy.” Myka chuckled, then smiled deeply as Helena slowly turned in her arms, making sure that Myka’s arm stayed rooted around her waist. Myka pressed a small kiss against Helena’s shoulder, tightening her arm slightly to pull Helena’s back more firmly against her. She felt Helena’s whole body relax under her hold. This felt right, more right than Myka knew how to process, but instead of thinking, Myka simply settled into her pillow, tucking her head slightly into the nape of Helena’s neck. She took in one more deep, lingering breath, and then let herself drift into sleep with nothing but Helena’s body to keep her anchored to the earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of people were waiting for this conversation to happen...I hope it was worth the wait. I know the end of this were fairly fluffy, and the next chapter will be similar, but that doesn't mean things are necessarily going to be smooth and easy for these two...but for now...fluff!


	8. Last Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band plays their first show...Myka and Helena make some first moves...Helena goes home for an undisclosed reason...Basically a lot of nerves flying around everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a transitional chapter--I realize that it is obscenely long for a transitional chapter, but it's really the last chunk of story that needed to get out there before other things can happen. I doubt I will stick to this statement, however, I think chapters might get a bit shorter from this point on, but we shall see...these women tend to have minds of their own.
> 
> Song here is Paramore (prepare to see a lot of them coming up)
> 
> (Also, I had meant to toss this note in with the last chapter but forgot..the song on Myka's iPod when she trips while they're running is Def Leppard "I Wanna Touch U.")

As the sunlight crept through her eyelids, the first thought Myka had was that she couldn’t move. The next thought, which quickly followed on the first’s heels was that the last thing on earth she wanted to do _was_ move, even if she could. She opened her eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the light slanting through the curtains, and as more and more of her surroundings entered into her vision, a smile so deep crept across her lips, that if anyone else would have seen it, she probably would have been embarrassed. At some point during the night, she had shifted onto her back, with Helena apparently quick to follow her movements. Helena’s arm was draped lightly across her stomach, the inside of Helena’s wrist just barely resting against the skin of her hip where her shirt had curled up while she slept; her left leg was completely pinned to the sheets, trapped underneath where Helena had curled her right leg around it, her foot tucked into Myka’s ankle. The sensation of Helena’s weight, the heat of her skin against Myka’s, the casual possessiveness of Helena’s position, the semblance of normalcy already present in Myka’s mind at waking up like this, with _her_ , it was overwhelming and wonderful and more than Myka ever realized she wanted. However, none of those things compared to the sight of Helena’s still sleeping face, curled onto her shoulder, the feeling of Helena’s light wisps of breath floating across her neck from slightly parted lips, the tickle of hair against the inside of her forearm where it was curled tightly around Helena’s shoulders, keeping her tucked comfortably, firmly, against her. The sun shimmered against the shifting shades of Helena’s hair, and as Myka adjusted her head slightly to get a better, fuller view of Helena like this—calm, peaceful, gorgeous—she felt a tightening in her chest that urged her mind towards words she knew she wasn’t ready for, though she doubted they were ever going to go away after the last two days. All Myka wanted to do was sink back into her—Helena’s she mentally corrected—pillow, pull Helena closer to her and go back to sleep, but out of the corner of her eye, as though it were mocking her happiness, the alarm clock shone out at her, red, bright, abhorrent, an hour that she knew meant she needed to go home. She needed to return to the real world, even if that was the last thing she actually _wanted._

She lightly slumped her head back against the pillow, tucking her head in closer to Helena’s and took in a deep breath, breathing in the mix and mingle of vanilla and lavender, letting it sink into her veins for these few more brief moments. As she exhaled, she could feel her muscles beginning to tense with the inevitable need to extract herself from Helena’s limbs, but just as she was getting ready to move, Helena’s arm tucked more firmly around her waist, and pulled her closer, a mumbled, “No,” spoken into her collarbone.

She turned her lips into Helena’s hair, as a chuckle shook her chest, “Believe me, I don’t want to…”

“Then don’t…” Helena, though awake, refused to open her eyes, unwilling, unable to face the reality of Myka needing to climb out of her bed, out of her arms.

Myka continued to whisper her words into Helena’s hair, “Weren’t you the one who warned me that my customers might riot if I never returned?”

“I lied. They won’t,” Helena wrapped her leg tighter around Myka’s thigh, pulling her impossibly closer, “they will understand that you had other people demanding your attention.”

“I wish it was that easy, believe me,” Myka traced light fingertips up and down Helena’s arm, “…but unfortunately, I do at some point actually need to go home.”

Helena finally opened her eyes, propping herself up slightly on her elbow, to partially lean over Myka, who ran her now free hand up and through Helena’s hair. Helena leaned into the touch and murmured, “I’m afraid you’re delusional darling, I swear it’s still snowing, and you have no reason to leave.”

Myka leaned up and pressed a barely-there kiss to Helena’s lips, “You’re persistent, you know that?”

Helena smirked, “One of my many talents.”

Myka rolled her eyes and shook her head, “Sassy even when you’ve just woken up…I’ll have to remember that.”

“I’ll do my best to keep you from forgetting it,” Helena pressed a kiss to the corner of Myka’s mouth. 

When Helena pulled away, Myka passed a soft hand over her cheek, green eyes softening under Helena’s teasing grin, “I really wish I didn’t have to go…”

Helena’s stomach did a rather large flip at the unabashed confession, the honesty shining in Myka’s eyes. Not for the first time in the last 36 hours, she realized how difficult taking this slowly was going to be. She pulled her arm from around Myka’s waist, and moved it so that her forearm was laying against Myka’s sternum, her thumb lightly brushing against the space between Myka’s bottom lip and her chin, “I know darling, and I don’t want you to go either, however…”

Myka sighed deeply, “Life calls.”

“Indeed. It has a tendency to do that sometimes.”

Myka tipped her head and kissed Helena’s thumb, “Can I take you out tonight? Make up for my abhorrent behavior of running out on you?”

Helena blushed then grimaced, “I would love to take you up on that. However, it’s Friday…we have our show tonight.”

Realization dawned in Myka’s widened eyes, “Oh my God, I totally forgot! Damn storm, I’m not going to know what day it is for the foreseeable future.”

“Small price to pay for a few days snowed in with me I would say.”

Myka smirked, “I couldn’t agree more.”  
A stray thought stole through Helena’s mind, causing her to avert her eyes from where they had been staring quite intently at Myka. She almost didn’t want to ask, given what she now knew, but she couldn’t help herself, “Myka…would…were you…”

Myka tried to hide her smile at Helena’s lack of ability to find the proper words for the question Myka was pretty sure she already knew was coming, “Helena,” she tucked her fingers under Helena’s chin urging Helena’s eyes back to her own, “there is nowhere else I would rather be tonight. I will be there.”

Helena tried not to look too relieved, but knew she was failing miserably, “Are you sure?”

A fleeting worry about Helena turning into one of those people that treated her with kid gloves raced through Myka’s mind. Yet, somehow, seeing the way that Helena was looking at her, it didn’t feel that way. It felt different, though she couldn’t quite put into words how, but she didn’t feel coddled or like she was being protected, she just felt, there was no better way to put it, _loved_. “Helena, you guys mean the world to me. I was always going to be there, no matter what. Trust me. I’m actually really, really looking forward to it.”

Myka half-expected Helena to push, thinking that’s what usually happened in these situations, so when Helena simply moved on, continued the conversation as normal, she let out a small sigh of relief. Yes, this was quite different from anything that had happened before. Helena passed a hand through her hair, then returned it to its resting place on Myka’s sternum, “I wish I could say the same. I am far too nervous, I think.”

“You? Nervous? I didn’t know that was possible.”

Helena shot her an exasperated look, “And you are your same old insufferable self in the morning. Duly noted.”

Myka’s laugh shook through both of their bodies, and she lifted up Helena’s hand from her chest, bringing the tips of Helena’s fingers to her lips, “You are going to be great. It’s totally normal to be nervous, but trust me, once you get out there, it all will sort of fade away and it will feel natural. It just takes a little bit to settle into.”

Helena realized that she had somehow failed to process that tonight, her nerves, were something that Myka was intimately familiar with. Apparently, all of her new information on Myka’s life was going to take some time to fully sink in and process. “I suppose so, there’s part of me that is quite looking forward to it, but the other part is rather terrified.”

“And that is perfectly normal. Honestly? You should always be a little nervous, it helps. However, if you get too nervous or too overwhelmed, just remember that I’m out there, and pretend that it’s only me. It will make it easier.”

“I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that singing for you also makes me a little nervous.”

“Why?” Myka sounded somewhat shocked.

Helena rolled her eyes, at herself, rather than at Myka, “Honestly? I have no idea…”

“Well,” Myka kissed her, “don’t be. Plain and simple.”

Helena tipped her head back in laughter, “If only it was that easy darling, if only, but I shall try.” Helena turned her head slightly to glance at the clock, and let a deep sigh push through her lungs, “You have to go to work…”

Myka slumped against her pillow, “I know, and I’m going to have to dig my damn car out too.”

Helena leaned down and left a lingering kiss against Myka’s lips, “Though I am loathe to allow it, I suppose I should let you get ready.”

Myka sighed, “Ugh, if I must.” Slowly, unwillingly she unwound herself from Helena’s warmth, and wandered across the hall to get ready, already aching to be back in that room, in that bed, with that woman.

Myka passed over a shower, figuring she would just be sweaty after getting her car free from snow, so she might as well just wait until she was home. She brushed her teeth, wrestled her curls up into a loose ponytail, and tugged on Helena’s sweatshirt. She gathered her clothes from the guest room, and looked around the apartment to make sure she had everything she needed. When she returned to the living room, Helena emerged from the kitchen, handing her a steaming travel mug, “I figured you could use that.”

Myka took in a deep breathe of the aroma, “Thank you.” She moved towards the closet and extracted her coat, refusing to put it on yet, refusing to leave until she absolutely had to. She leaned back against the front door, Helena standing in front of her, a mere few inches away. Myka took a drink of her coffee, “This is perfect.” Helena simply gave her a small smile and inched a little closer. Myka tucked a stray strand of hair behind Helena’s ear, “So I can’t take you out tonight, how about tomorrow?”

Helena feigned deep consideration, until Myka gave a light slap to her arm, “Tomorrow is perfect darling.”

“Good. We can talk more about it tonight.” Helena leaned into Myka, toying with the strings of what she realized was _her_ hoodie. Myka followed her fingers, “I promise I will give this back to you at some point, but it is rather comfy.”

Helena smiled, and leaned up on her tiptoes, kissing Myka deeply, earnestly, nipping slightly at her bottom lip as she pulled away. Myka’s eyes were still closed as Helena whispered against her lips, “Keep it. You can owe me.” She then leaned around Myka’s body and pulled open the door, powerless to do anything other than usher a breathless, speechless Myka Bering out of her apartment, otherwise, she figured, she might never let her leave.

**

Helena tried to avoid it. She tried to forget that it was even there. She even went so far as to cover it up with a magazine, but no matter what she did, her brain beat an incessant reminder, Myka had left the CD. Helena tried to tell herself that it was a mistake, that Myka had simply forgotten in the midst of getting ready to pick it up from the table. That seemed the most plausible of explanations, until Helena realized that the photo was gone. The photo of Myka and Sam that Helena had placed underneath the CD when she had sat them down on the coffee table the other night was gone. Myka would have had to have pulled it out from underneath the CD in order to retrieve it, which meant that the CD was left behind, intentionally, purposefully, left so that if Helena was so inclined, she could listen to it. Part of Helena didn’t want to do it. Part of her felt like it was too much of an intrusion. Witnessing Myka telling her story, hearing the anguish and the heartbreak that still lingered just under the surface, Helena wasn’t sure that she felt it was her place to delve further into Myka’s past, her pain, what her life was before. She was grateful that Myka wanted to share that with her, that she trusted her enough to want her to listen, to know, to experience it, but she wasn’t sure it was her place, at least not yet. The other part of her, the part that cried out a little louder than the other, wasn’t sure she could handle listening to it. She wasn’t sure she was ready to hear Myka’s voice from the past. She knew it was irrational and petty, yet she couldn’t stop the twinge she felt when she imagined listening to Myka singing with Sam, Sam whom Myka clearly had loved so deeply, whom she clearly still loved in some way, Sam whom was the cause of all of Myka’s distance, hesitance, and walled-off emotions. No, Helena wasn’t at all sure she could handle listening to words that Myka had wrote about him, about them, about their love. Yet, Myka had left it there. Myka had left it, and maybe it was simply as a sign of trust, a symbol of the steps they had taken, a reminder to Helena that Myka was now willing to trust her with knowing all there was to know of who she was, scars and brokenness included. Yet, as Helena looked at it more and more, she couldn’t escape the reality that if Myka had left it there, it was left with the assurance that it was ok for Helena to listen to it, and that maybe it was left in the hopes that Helena _would_ listen to it. 

In the end, she broke under the weight of her own curiosity. She couldn’t help but think that once she listened to it, the story of Myka’s past would come into full clarity. So, she fought against her worries about intrusion, her small pangs of irrational jealousy, and clung to the immense trust that Myka had extended to her by leaving it in her possession. She steeled her strength, her heart, and her emotions, and pushed play, allowing another boundary line between her and Myka to be stepped over and left behind as nothing but a distant memory.

She usually prided herself in her ability to keep a calm composure, to not let her emotions run rampant, but to keep a thin veneer of distance when necessary. She had hoped that she would be able to get through the hour or so of music ahead of her with something akin to a casual bystander’s passing interest. It took all of two minutes for that hope to be chased away by a wave of emotions she quickly realized she should have expected. How could she expect to keep up a wall of indifference when she knew that the person’s voice coming through the speakers was Myka, the Myka whom she had woken up curled around this morning, the Myka who had kissed her so sweetly in the snow and the cold yesterday, the Myka who had sat on the very couch where Helena currently sat only days before and laid bare who she truly was so that Helena would know, so that they could move forward, the Myka who had become, for Helena, _her_ Myka. Faced with that voice, faced with words written from that heart, Helena was powerless. Through all the tracks of Myka’s past, Helena spread tears, rolls of the eyes, subtle smiles, and a never-ending trail of amazement at just how incredible Myka and Sam were. They were unlike anything Helena had ever heard, and she found herself pained in a way she never expected that they were no longer together, that the world was deprived of their talent all because of accidents, wrong decisions, and random chaos. It seemed so unfair and for the first time Helena felt what she realized most of the people in Colorado Springs felt whenever they looked at Myka, sadness at a talent stalled far, far too soon. Helena found herself constantly turning to the album book to confirm that in fact every single lyric that she heard was written by Myka alone. She couldn’t help but rewind and retrace certain turns of phrase, certain plays on words, certain flashes of flirtation and coy sexuality, that she never would have anticipated emerging from Myka Bering’s mind. It at various turns made her laugh, but also flinch away in pain at the realization of just how much Myka had changed from this voice filtering through her apartment, to the woman who struggled for months to actually say what she felt. More than anything, listening to Myka’s words, her beautiful, broken and pained voice, made Helena realize just how much Sam’s loss, his betrayal, his anger and frustration, had turned Myka into the woman that Helena was in love with, and how difficult it was going to be for that woman to fully, truly, and wholly love her in return.

**

Myka wasn’t sure how she was able to get through the day. Usually the ebb and flow, the chaos and the constant movement of her job made the hours pass without a thought. She could drown herself in the stories from her customers, the unexpected requests for the most obscure of music that they knew could only be found by her, the typical Friday night crowd coming in trying to find something new, something different for a night out or a night in. Usually, Fridays found Myka wondering just where the albums that passed through her doors would find themselves in a matter of hours—if they would become the soundtracks to parties, to first loves and first kisses, to arguments, to heartbreak, to beginnings and endings—yet this particular Friday, Myka couldn’t find the brain space for her usual questions and thoughts. Rather, she was too caught up in questions and thoughts about her own beginnings and endings, in what was quickly becoming the soundtrack of her own life—Helena’s voice, Helena’s laughter, Helena’s everything. No matter who was standing in front of her that day, no matter how interesting, how distracting their thoughts and requests were, she couldn’t muster her usual exuberance. Her brain was too filled with images of the last two days, Helena’s arm curled so tightly around her waist this morning, the brightness of snow glinting off of dark, silky hair, the incessant, sure pressure of lips pressed against her curls, the subtle quirk of lips turned up in a cocky smirk. Her mind was filled with nothing but Helena, and as the hours ticked by the pressure in her chest increased as she inched ever closer to seeing her again. Her body pulsed with a discordant range of emotions, most of which she wasn’t quite sure how to handle. There was anticipation—plain and simple, counting down the hours anticipation—because now that they had moved past the first hurdle of Myka actually talking and being honest, all she wanted to do was spend as many hours in Helena’s presence as she possibly could. She knew that it was near irrational to feel that way, but after spending months keeping Helena at a distance, now that she was able to draw her closer, she didn’t want to stop. There was fear—fear that twisted and changed and disappeared only to crash back in unexpectedly. Myka hated that she had so many things she was afraid of with Helena, but she couldn’t stop it’s presence from beating an incessant rhythm through her mind. Fear that despite how far she felt she had come, she would run, run away from how much Helena seemed to feel for her, and how much she felt in return; fear that no matter how much they said they needed to go slowly they wouldn’t be able to, that they wouldn’t _want_ to and then what would happen if they went too fast; fear that when they told everyone tonight Pete would get all protective and worried and Claudia would make it all into some huge, dramatic _thing_ that neither she nor Helena really wanted; mostly though fear that the dominant emotion that kept pushing its way into her mind was _love_. Myka had spent the last few months in such ardent denial that that was what she felt for Helena, knowing that she wasn’t ready for it, wondering if she was even capable of it anymore, but now, now she knew. There was no other word for what she felt when she looked at Helena, when Helena would shoot her one of those sidelong smiles and she would want to do nothing but sink into that smile and spend the rest of her waking moments reveling in it. Yet Myka knew it was too soon, it was too soon and too much and too everything to be _there_ now, and it scared the hell out of her that she wouldn’t be able to survive if after all of this, the months of flirting, the dancing around each other, the subtle touches and glances, the car rides and the lunches, what if after all of that, Helena discovered that maybe she didn’t love Myka nearly as much as Myka loved her. What if, now that they were actually open and honest and ready to move forward, they discovered that there was nowhere to actually go? 

**

Myka worried and wondered and fidgeted the entire drive to the club. She had only been to The Black Sheep a few times, mostly in college when Pete and Sam would drag her out to hear bands she had never heard of, but it had an amazing reputation as being a place that turned unknown rock bands into well-known’s. People often referred to The Black Sheep as the “Regents for Rock,” which is what Myka knew the band needed. From the little bit that she had heard them lately, she could tell that they had turned a corner, they were ready, they were on the brink of something that could be spectacular, they just needed someone to hear them. She found that she was nervous for all of them, knowing so intimately what this feeling felt like, the desire to finally be heard, to be out there and doing what you’ve always wanted to in front of actual people, and the fear of being completed rejected or finding out that no one wanted what you were selling, what you felt so deeply about. As she pulled into the parking lot, the thought struck her that she and Helena hadn’t really discussed what they were going to do about telling the rest of the group about their newly changed situation. Part of her wasn’t sure she was ready to tell them, but would prefer to keep it as something that was just theirs for now, for a little while, until they were sure and certain. Yet the thought of staying away from Helena all night, of keeping up a friendly distance was excruciating. Myka actually wondered if she was going to be physically able to keep herself from simply running up to her and kissing her senseless the second she saw her. 

Myka paid her cover and then descended the stairs to the basement where the actual club was housed. It was all black lights and bottles clinking. It was anonymous and intoxicating. Myka was immediately swallowed up in a crowd of people all antsy for the music to start. Her height paired with her heeled boots allowed her to see through the crowd to where the group was huddled into a corner, Claudia seemingly putting them through a fairly intense pep talk, despite the fact that they were the second act of the night and wouldn’t go on for at least another two hours. Myka spared a cursory glance at Claudia’s animated features, but other than that, nothing else could have kept Myka’s eyes from tracing every single inch of Helena that was available to her. She was all black leather and dark shadows, her hair pulled back in a lose ponytail. Myka sucked in a deep breath as Helena’s eyes strayed from Claudia and scanned across the crowd only to land directly on Myka, giving her a quick wink and a subtle half-grin, before returning her attention to Claudia. Myka’s breath left her lungs in a rush, “Jesus Christ Bering…you are in trouble.” She waded through the crowd, desperately trying to make her way over to all of them without stepping on too many people’s feet. 

Pete saw her as she inched closer, and detached himself from Claudia’s clutches, “Mykes! You’re here!” He pulled her into a huge hug, lifting her off the ground slightly.

“Of course I’m here!”

Pete set her back down, “Had to see H.G. in action huh?” Pete waggled his eyebrows at her.

A thought raced through Myka’s mind, did Helena tell them? She caught her eye over Pete’s shoulder and quirked a questioning eyebrow at her, Helena crinkled her brows quickly then Myka saw realization dawn in her eyes, and she gave a small shake of her head. Myka’s heartbeat slowed, ok, she didn’t have to deal with that yet. She returned her focus to Pete, punching his shoulder, “Hush! I am here to see _all_ of you.”

“Uh huh…keep tellin’ yourself that Mykes.” He tugged on her elbow, “C’mon you can dazzle us with your expert advice.”

Myka just rolled her eyes, and merged herself into the group’s tight circle. Pete sidled back over to where Amanda was talking to Claudia and wrapped his arms around her waist. Myka smiled as she watched Amanda lean back and place a kiss to his temple. She caught Helena’s eye again, and gave her a smile that she hoped expressed that there was nothing she wanted to do more than come over and kiss her like that. Helena took one step towards her, but suddenly Claudia was standing in front of Myka talking a hundred miles a minute, “Myka! Oh my God, I didn’t think you were coming. I’m kind of freaking out, I didn’t expect to be this nervous.” There were more words coming out of her mouth, but Myka only caught half of them, too distracted by Helena over Claudia’s shoulder, lightly covering her laughter with her fingertips. It wasn’t until Helena raised an eyebrow at her and gestured subtly with her index finger towards Claudia that Myka realized she had stopped speaking and was anxiously awaiting Myka’s response.

Myka shook her head in a haze, and squeezed Claudia’s shoulder in reassurance, hoping the gesture would keep Claudia from realizing she wasn’t wholly paying attention, “Claud you are going to be great. You guys are more than ready. It’s time to take this step, and yes it will be nerve-wracking as hell, but it will also be exhilarating and amazing and you will never want to get off that stage once you start.”

“But what if I completely and totally fuck something up?” 

Myka softened at Claudia’s nerves, “Oh Claud, you’re not going to, but even if you do, you just go with it. Don’t freak out, just act normal, get it back together, and keep going. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, most people won’t notice.”

Claudia stole a glance over her shoulder at Helena who was talking to Liam, then looked back at Myka sheepishly, leaning in conspiratorially, like she shouldn’t be asking what she was about to, “Did you…did you ever mess up?”

Myka couldn’t stop the laugh that fled her lungs, “Oh my God, Claud I can’t even tell you, and you don’t have to whisper. Helena knows.”

Claudia’s eyes widened, “She does?”

“Yes she does, but back to your question,” Myka didn’t want to dwell on what exactly Helena knew and the aftereffects of that knowledge. “There was one show, I don’t even remember when, but I totally blanked on an entire verse of a song. I started and then had nothing, and I was on the brink of panicking, but Sam just sang for me, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and no one thought anything of it. That’s why you have other people up there with you Claud, they have your back.” Myka scooped the girl up in her arms and gave her a tight squeeze, “I am going to tell you what Vanessa told me the first time we played at the Regents, because I looked exactly like you do now. She told me to just go out there and do what she had seen us do countless times before, and that if we did it would be fantastic. Claud that’s all you have to do, pretend like you’re just back at the store, and you’re doing what you always do. Trust me, it will be great.”

Claudia hugged her again, “You are the best.”

“I try,” Myka smiled, then watched out of the corner of her eye as Helena gave her a glance and a slight gesture of her head to the other end of the bar, before detaching herself from the group and heading towards the opposite end of the room.

It took all of Myka’s self-control to not immediately follow after her, but she continued her conversation with Claudia, until Todd’s appearance in their small circle pulled Claudia’s attention away, and only then did Myka allow herself to say to no one in particular that she was going to get a drink, and move in the direction that Helena had escaped to. 

Helena was leaning on her elbows against the bar ordering a drink, while trying to avoid the not-so-subtle leerings of the bartender. Myka stepped behind her and gave a small tug to one of her belt loops, “Anyone else here you want to order a drink for?”

Helena turned around, full smile on her face, and tucked a quick hand around Myka’s waist, pulling her forward, “Now why on earth would I want to do that?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, resting her hand against the bar, as she leaned into Helena’s space, “I have no idea.” She placed a light kiss against Helena’s cheek, and felt a shiver run up her spine as a blush crept up Helena’s neck. 

Helena turned her head over her shoulder where the bartender seemed to be frozen to the spot, a bit too fascinated by Myka and Helena’s closeness, “We’ll take a Rolling Rock with the double whiskey please.”

He startled, then focused, “Oh yeah, sure, whatever you ladies want.”

Helena turned back to Myka giggling, “I believe we have destroyed that bartender’s focus for the evening darling.”

Myka smirked, “Totally worth it.” She quirked an eyebrow at Helena, “Whiskey huh? Starting the night off strong.”

Helena gave a casual shrug of her shoulder, “I decided a little liquid courage might help assuage the rather large knot of nerves that is currently racing through my body.”

Myka reached around her for her beer and the whiskey that the bartender had slid their way, handed Helena her glass, then grabbed her hand and tugged her further away from anyone they knew, and into a dark corner where the crowd hid them relatively from view. Myka leaned against the wall and pulled Helena into her, feeling Helena’s muscles immediately relax under her touch. Myka kept an assuring hand against the small of her back, “I am going to tell you what I just told Claudia, try your best to imagine that you guys are just at the store, and do what I know you are capable of, and it will all be amazing.”

Helena ran a distracted hand over her hair and took a sip of her whiskey, licking her lips around the burn of the cold liquid coating her tongue, “I must confess I feel quite irrational being this nervous.”

Myka chuckled, “It’s normal to be nervous in situations like these, Swagger. I think I would be worried if you _weren’t_ nervous.”

“Right now I don’t feel as though there is an ounce of swagger in my body.”

Myka rubbed a gentle circle against Helena’s back, “What can I do?”

Helena eyed her carefully, then smirked, “You can kiss me, I think that would help immensely.”

Myka playfully rolled her eyes, “Now that is a swagger-filled answer if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Just trying to live up to expectations, darling.”

Myka laughed as she pressed her hand into Helena’s back, encouraging her to lean further into her. Helena wrapped her free hand into Myka’s curls, as Myka pulled their lips towards each other. Myka’s lips were soft, sure, breathing new life, new confidence into Helena. Myka bit back the noise that was building at the back of her throat, as Helena’s mouth opened to hers, and she felt Helena’s whiskey burning against her own tongue. Myka’s brain was firing what felt like small explosions through her body as with each passing second she realized just how much of Helena’s body was pressed against her own. It was too much and not enough, and when Helena adjusted slightly to keep her balance, letting her knee fall and rest precariously against Myka’s inner thigh, Myka was sure she was going to pass out. It was intoxicating to have her feel that _close_ , but maddening to have her so _far_. Myka was silently thankful that they were in the middle of a bar, with people all around them, because if they had been alone, she would not have been responsible for her actions. Helena slowed pulled away with a frustrated groan, leaning her forehead against Myka’s, “I would much prefer spending the rest of the evening doing that than getting up on that stage.”

Myka placed a light kiss against the tip of her nose, “As preferable as that would be, I personally think that that stage is right where you belong tonight. Helena, you are incredible, and everyone in this club is going to fall in love with that amazing voice of yours tonight.” Helena just rolled her eyes, and sighed. Myka tucked her fingers underneath Helena’s chin, encouraging her to look in her eyes, “Remember how I said the other night that the thing I miss most about playing is being heard?” Helena nodded slowly. “You need to be heard Helena, all of you do. What the four of you have is something rare, and the words I have heard you and Claudia put together are so amazing, those are things that need to be shared babe. Someone once told me that they felt the world would be lonelier without me playing my music, I’m telling you right now that I feel that way about you guys and your music, I feel that way particularly about _your_ voice. Your voice is something the world needs to hear Helena.”

“Part of me is inclined to say that you think far too highly of me and my abilities…”

“I would tell that part of you that if you refused to let me get away with diminishing myself, I sure as hell won’t let you do the same.”

Helena smirked, “Then I shall listen to the other part of me that wants to say thank you…”

“No thanks needed Swagger. I almost threw up the night of our first real show, Vanessa was the one who talked me down, and because she believed in me I was somehow able to handle it. I want you to feel the same way.”

Helena kissed her lightly, “I am so very glad that you’re here, Sleepy.”

Myka faked a yawn, “Hopefully I can stay awake.”

Helena pinched at Myka’s waist, “Hush.”

“I’m just teasing, I am very glad I’m here too.”

Helena sighed and tugged at her ponytail, “Do you really think that we can do this Myka?”

Myka stood up straighter and looked Helena directly in the eye, “I absolutely believe that you guys can do this. I think that this crowd tonight has no idea what it’s in for with you four actually. I have heard a lot of bands Helena, and few, if any, come even remotely close to how good I think you guys are, and,” she held up a finger to Helena’s soon parting lips, “before you say it, that is not just because I care about you guys. I made Pete a promise a long time ago that I would tell him if I ever thought this thing was going off the rails, and never once have I come close to that point, especially now that you’re here, you… _you_ are remarkable.”

Helena smirked, “And just think you thought they didn’t need me…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yeah, well, sometimes, on occasion, I am hopelessly, woefully wrong.”

“Glad they kept me around?”

“I’m not sure _glad_ really covers it.”

“Ecstatic, overjoyed, delighted…tell me when I’m getting close…”

Myka just shook her head and chuckled, “You and your vocabulary again.”

Helena sighed and leaned into Myka’s arms, “We probably should get back, or they’re going to wonder where we went.”

Myka kissed her quickly, “I know. We never really talked about that by the way…should we tell them?”

An apologetic look stole over Helena’s face, as she bit down on her lip, “Would I be horrible if I said that I would rather wait a little while?”

Myka smiled, “Not at all, because honestly? I don’t really want to either, at least not yet. They’ll go crazy…and I am just so not ready for that crazy yet.”

Helena laughed, “Agreed.”

Myka sighed, stealing a slow glance up and down Helena’s body that was still pressed up against her own. A stray thought ran through her mind that it should be illegal to look this good. Helena must have caught the look on her face, because her lips turned up in a kind of satisfied smile, “Something on your mind darling?”

Myka blushed, there was no way she was going to actually say what was on her mind. She rushed to an answer, which she knew actually revealed more about what she was thinking than she intended, “I was just thinking that if I’m going to have to spend the rest of the night acting like this isn’t happening, then you need to kiss me one more time.”

Helena eyed Myka carefully, smirk still tugging at her lips. She knew that wasn’t truly what Myka had been thinking, the look that had stolen over Myka’s face when she thought Helena wasn’t looking had told her _exactly_ what she was thinking, but Helena decided it was best not to push, and much more enjoyable to watch Myka fidget and blush under the weight of her own thoughts. Instead, Helena just gave a faux-exasperated sigh, “I _suppose_ I can do that.”

“Well, if it’s going to be a burden, you…” Myka’s words were cut off by Helena’s lips pressing, moving, nipping against her own. Myka sighed into the kiss and wrapped her arms completely around Helena’s waist. As Helena’s nails scratched pleasantly against her scalp, Myka’s thoughts from earlier about her inability to go slowly with this woman swam through her mind, yet she found she didn’t care. The only thing that she cared about was the gorgeous woman wrapped in her arms, as long as she was there, that was enough. 

Helena slowly pulled away but stayed in Myka’s arms, “Somehow that is going to have to get us both through the rest of the night.”

“I may need to stop drinking then, because lowering my inhibitions around you is probably a very dangerous thing to do at the moment,” Myka smirked.

“Probably…”

Myka sighed, “Alright, back to reality I suppose.”

Helena squeezed her hand, “Thank you for being here.”

Myka returned the squeeze, “There is nowhere else I’d rather be, and if at any point you get nervous up there, just look for me. Pretend like you’re singing to me and forget about all of this. That’s what I did the other night with you, and it helped.”

“You didn’t seem all that nervous.”

“I was petrified, but looking at you made it all disappear.”

“Then make sure you’re standing somewhere I can easily find you, I’m sure I’m going to need to take you up on that piece of advice at some point this evening.”

“I’ll make sure you know exactly where I am.”

Helena slowly released Myka’s hand and pressed a swift kiss to her cheek, “Thank you darling. Ugh, I suppose it is time to return.” 

Helena pressed forward through the crowd, but before she could move two steps, Myka had pulled her back by her belt loops, figuring it couldn’t hurt to let _some_ of her thoughts out in the open, whispering in her ear, “By the way, I forgot to mention, you look absolutely incredible…” Helena’s knees almost buckled at the timbre of Myka’s voice, the longing and the undeniable want that was pulsing just beneath the words. In that moment she wondered if it would simply be a better decision to pull Myka out of this bar and drag her back to her apartment, rather than going through the rest of the night not being near her. However, before Helena could give voice to any of her thoughts, before she could even turn a look back to Myka, she felt Myka press a hand into the small of her back, pushing her through the crowd, back towards where their group was standing. She just shook her head, wondering if for once she had met her match. Usually she was the one causing the knee buckling, all the while able to keep her own emotions in check. That simply didn’t seem possible when Myka was around, however.

Myka allowed more and more space to grow between them as they neared the group. There was no need to give any of them a reason to be suspicious about their mutual absence, but their desire to keep things quiet didn’t keep Myka’s fingers from itching to reach out and pull Helena to her and keep her there.

“H.G.! There you are!” Claudia threw up her arms in exasperation. “We need to be backstage, like yesterday.” 

Helena tried to look apologetic, but only half-accomplished it, too caught up in thoughts of all the decidedly wicked things Myka had done to her in that dark corner of the bar. A shiver ran up her spine as she realized that with just her lips and her tongue, Myka had rendered her completely liquid, no longer in control of her body’s responses. She wondered if it would simply be evident to everyone that she and Myka were together, because she felt like it was written all over her face. She sighed as she watched Myka circle around to the complete opposite side of the group from her, putting as much distance between them as possible. She held her glass up in front of Claudia’s face shaking the ice around slightly, “Sorry, I was simply in need of a drink before all of this gets started.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, her nerves not allowing her to play along with Helena’s light teasing, “Just don’t drink so much you forget the words!” Her tone was harsher than Myka was sure she intended it to be, but when Myka saw the flash of hurt and worry race across Helena’s face Myka winced, Claudia had hit her mark a bit too well. Helena’s eyes sought her out, and Myka just gave her a reassuring smile and mouthed, “It’s ok.” Helena softened slightly, and turned back towards Claudia, “Well, shall we?”

Claudia looked like she was ready to burst into tears, “I guess so…” She turned back towards Myka, “Any last words for us Cap’n?”

Myka chuckled, “Nothing you all haven’t heard a thousand times before. Just go have fun, seriously, you guys. Good luck.” 

Everyone made a slow, concerted move around their little circle, hugs exchanged, the last few words of luck and courage whispered. Pete was just moving away from Amanda and towards the stage, when Myka reached out a hand and tugged him back towards her, “Hey Lattimer!”

“What’s up Mykes?”

She hugged him tightly, “I’m going to tell you what you always told me. Go kick some serious ass.”

Myka had expected an exuberant, boyish, obnoxious response, but Pete’s expression was soft, sweet, almost wistful. He rubbed the back of his neck, “Geez Mykes way to lay the emotion on me right before I have to go be my badass self.”

She just chuckled, “Go get your badass on, Pete.”

He tucked a kiss to her cheek, “Will do!”

Everyone made a last pass by their significant others, leaving Helena and Myka woefully, glaringly standing alone. Helena stepped towards her, but left a respectable amount of space between them, “Well…”

Myka felt a blush creep up her neck, Helena was looking at her so openly, with so much want. Myka’s hand reached halfway towards Helena’s, then drew back carefully with a heavy sigh, “Good luck up there Swagger.”

Helena moved closer and hugged her, not to closely, not too tightly, but with just enough movement to whisper in her ear, “I shall be singing to you the entire night.”

Myka watched her as she followed the rest of the group to the backstage door. She took a deep drink of her beer, trying to drown the heat pulsing through her veins with its coldness. Before she was fully composed, Amanda had sidled up to her, bumping slightly into her shoulder, “So you and H.G., huh?”

Myka couldn’t keep the surprise from her face, or school her voice to do anything but spurt and splutter, “What? No..what? Me and Helena?”

Amanda threw her head back in laughter, “Oh Myka…don’t even try to lie to me. I don’t buy that ‘just needed a drink’ bullshit for a second. You two walked back here looking like two people who needed a bucket of cold water poured over them.” Myka remained silent, unable to meet Amanda’s eyes. She did not want to be having this conversation, but Amanda just continued on, “Plus, I hate to inform you, but that uh kiss you two shared over there in what I’m sure you thought was a hidden, darkened corner…totally noticeable.”

Myka hung her head in her hands, the coolness of her bottle soothing against her forehead, “Jesus…did anyone else see?”

Amanda shot her a sympathetic look, “Lucky for you no. They were all too wrapped up in their nerves to notice, plus I only saw because I was at an odd angle by the bar ordering drinks. I think you’re safe. _However_ , you keep looking at each other like you were just now, and it won’t be your little secret for long.”

Myka flushed, “God, was it that obvious?”

Amanda placed a placating hand on her arm, “On a night like tonight, no. Those three weren’t paying attention to anything but their nerves, and Todd and Liam over there are completely oblivious. However, on a normal day, I think you two might melt the floor you’re standing on, and that might garner a few looks your way.” 

Myka went to say something, but was pulled up short by Liam appearing in front of them. She bit back her words, replacing them with a smile and a greeting, “Hey Liam.”

Liam gave her a small, shy smile, “Hey Myka, umm, do you have a second.” He shot an apologetic look at Amanda, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Amanda put up her hands, “No need to apologize, she’s all yours.” She leaned into Myka’s shoulder as she walked away, “ _Do not_ think for one second that this conversation is over…”

Myka just rolled her eyes, and turned back to Liam, ignoring his questioning look, “So what’s up?”

Liam shoved his hands into his back pockets, his beer dangling precariously between his fingers, “Umm…I feel kind of odd about this, but can I ask you something?”

Panic shot through Myka, did he see her and Helena too? She tried to give a casual shrug of her shoulders, “Sure.”

“I don’t want to pry or anything, but someone had told me that at one point you worked with Marcus and Kate…”

Myka chuckled, now knowing what was coming, “I did…are they producing your album?”

Liam gave a sort of grimace, “They are…and it’s been an _experience_.”

Myka looked around and caught sight of two open stools at the bar, she gestured towards them and encouraged Liam to sit, “So, how’s it been going so far?”

“Good, I guess. I mean, we’ve recorded some great stuff. We have about half of my album done, but…” Liam looked like he wanted nothing more than to shrink down to nothing, and crawl out the door unnoticed.

Myka placed a light hand on his knee, “Liam, you don’t have to look like that. You can ask whatever you want to ask.”

Liam sighed in relief, “Were they ever, I don’t know, kind of weird?”

Myka couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of her mouth, “Oh God, Liam, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. No, they’re crazy. Certifiable, those two, but they are the best that St. Secord has, and if Jack and Rebecca paired you up with them that’s a really good sign.”

“I know, and most of the time, I feel good, but something kind of weird happened today. Marcus threw out this really out of the blue idea, that I don’t really think makes sense, and it doesn’t really fit with what we’ve been doing, and then we just sort of wrapped up for the day, and he seemed kind of put off about something.”

Myka nodded knowingly, “He does that. He’s testing you, Liam. Marcus and Kate are very serious about what they do, but they also really want their artists to have input. They like to suggest off the wall things in hopes that you’ll step up. It’s a test to see if you’ll defend your music. It’s crazy, but it’s a good thing.”

“Did they ever do that to you?” The words came out so fast Liam seemed shocked and then mortified, like he wanted to suck them right back into his throat.

Myka just continued on, realizing that the pressure that was usually present in her chest whenever people hinted at, mentioned, alluded to her past wasn’t there. Instead, her chest was so full of Helena that there wasn’t really room for anything else, and she wondered if this was finally a sign that she was moving on, that she could talk about it and not fall apart. Maybe telling Helena was the final step she had needed to take to move forward. She chuckled, “Oh yeah, they did, Marcus in particular. He always thought I was too quiet, especially early on. So one day when we were recording our first album, we were right in the middle of a session, and he suggested that we just completely ditch the piano for one of the songs, which basically meant eliminating a huge part of what I was doing, and he just left it hanging there, waiting, wondering if I would speak up.”

“Did you?”

“I did, for the first time ever. I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, that we had written it for both of us, and it wouldn’t make sense to eliminate me from the song. I’m sure I sounded like a wimp, and I thought I was going to throw up, but Marcus just beamed at me. He told me later, he never would have followed through on the suggestion, he just wanted to see how I would react. He wanted to get a rise out of me, and see if I’d stand up for myself, and for the music I had written. After that, he never did it again, and I was never shy about putting in my two cents.”

Liam just shook his head in apparent awe, “Wow, that seems kind of intense.”

“It is, but it’s a good thing, you want intensity, at least the kind that Marcus and Kate put out there.”

“Any sage advice?”

“Speak up. Don’t be afraid to say what you think, especially if what they’re suggesting seems off the wall. They want to build a relationship with you, and this is a step in that process. Go in there with a plan, and voice it, it’ll make a world of difference.”

“Thanks Myka, really.”

“No problem. Those two are a lot to handle. I at least wasn’t in there alone, I couldn’t imagine dealing with them solo.” A stray thought wandered through Myka’s mind, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to voice it, then figured why not, “So, have they given you a manager yet?”

Liam smiled, “Yeah, I’m at the mercy of Sutton.”

Myka chucked, “Ah, stuck you with Bennett huh? He’s a trip, but he works wonders with guys like you. The whole solo, rugged acoustic thing is kind of his specialty, so you’re in good hands.”

“I think Kate wants to kill him most days, but I like him, I think it’s a good fit.”

“Kate wants to kill managers most of the time. She and Abigail were always going at each other, but it’s just part of their process.” She paused, weighed her next words, then proceeded, “Have you met Abigail?”

“Just in passing. I guess she’s spending most of her time in Denver now, she doesn’t have too many people based in Colorado Springs anymore.”

“Ah….” Myka was never more thankful to hear the feedback of a microphone in her life. She shouldn’t have asked about Abigail, and based on the questioning look Liam was giving her, she wondered what Steve had told him. She turned her attention to the stage, where the club owner was introducing the first act. She tried to appear focused, but instead she just turned and ordered another beer, trying to chase away her stray thoughts, and focus on Helena.

The first band was good enough to be distracting, but they didn’t really make Myka _feel_ anything. She realized maybe she wasn’t really being fair, because all she wanted was for their set to be over, so the anticipation and the waiting and the wondering about how this was all going to go would be over. They played for an hour, and then there was the interminable gap of time where instruments had to be changed and adjusted. One set of drums exchanged for Pete’s, Claudia’s rack of guitars brought out tuned, tweaked, and made ready. It was taking forever, and Myka realized that her knee was bouncing so much she was jostling beer out of her bottle and onto the floor. She knew she had told all of them that this would be ok, that they would be great, but as the minutes ticked by, her nerves sky-rocketed for them, because what if it didn’t go well? What if something happened that made what they had in the store fall away as nothing more than mere illusion? What if things ended for them before they had truly begun? Helena would be devastated, and Claudia and Pete, well Myka didn’t even want to think about what it would take to get them under control if this went poorly. She took a deep breath, as the club owner came up to the mic to introduce them. He seemed excited for them to come out, a bit more exuberant than he had been introducing the other band, and Myka was impressed that when he shouted out, “Give it up for ‘Seeking Endless Wonder,’” the crowd actually went a little crazy, giving them the kind of reception they deserved, even if no one knew who they were yet. Myka hoped that that would be the kind of boost they would need to wipe out the last minute nerves, and let them sink into who they were naturally.

Myka’s heart was thudding in her ears as she watched Pete settle behind his drums, and Claudia and Steve sling their instruments around their shoulders, but where was Helena? She hadn’t come out with the rest of the them, and the insane thought crossed Myka’s mind that maybe she had backed out, too nervous to even step foot on stage. None of them seemed put-off or concerned by Helena’s absence, Claudia simply gave Pete a small nod, and he gave a small twirl to his sticks before letting them rest gently and softly against his high hat. Myka smirked, of course they would start with “Straight On,” the first song they ever did together, it made sense, and it would put them at ease, but still where was Helena? Just as Myka thought it again, Helena’s voice echoed throughout the club, even though she had yet to make an appearance. Myka just shook her head in utter amazement, this was brilliant, it was a tease, practically making the crowd beg for the person behind _that voice_ to make an appearance. She didn’t until the song hit the point where Claudia’s voice joined hers, and when she did there didn’t appear to be a trace of her prior nerves. She practically slid onto the stage, emerging from backstage like some sort of unearthly vision, the paleness of her skin playing against the black of her clothes and the lighting of the stage. If Myka thought that she had seen everything when it came to Helena as a singer just from watching her at the store, she was sorely mistaken. Her presence was intoxicating, and Myka watched, fascinated, as the crowd practically leaned into her presence. This was something beyond Helena’s usual swagger, and Myka realized that there was truly no word or phrase for what she was witnessing, other than possibly hotter than hell. Myka was suddenly very thankful that she had a bar stool resting behind her because it gave her something to lean on in case her knees no longer supported her, which was a very real possibility, as she watched Helena wrap her fingers around the mic stand in a way that should not have made Myka feel the way she did, but there was simply no way of keeping her brain from envisioning just what those fingers could do in vastly different circumstances. “Good God…” the words left her mouth completely involuntarily, and she was thankful no one was paying her an ounce of attention to hear them. Suddenly Amanda was by her side, leaning down and practically shouting into her ear, “Do I need to get you some ice…you look like you need to cool down.”

Myka shot her a less than scathing glare, because she knew Amanda was right, and honestly she didn’t care.

Amanda just laughed and continued, “I don’t blame you, because seriously Myka, everyone in this bar would think you were the luckiest person in the world if they knew you were the person that woman up there wanted to go home with. I mean, damn, I love Pete, but Jesus…” Amanda shot a glance towards the stage, where Helena and Claudia were sharing a mic and looking for all intents and purposes like two of the happiest people on earth, “Yeah, I think lucky definitely covers what you are right now.”

Myka didn’t even care that she was blushing, she didn’t care that Amanda was speaking loud enough for people to hear her, she didn’t care if people knew that she wanted Helena, because in that next moment, Helena’s eyes were finding hers over the crowd, and then she was winking at her and smirking and looking far too sexy for Myka to properly handle in public. Never taking her eyes off of Helena, Myka shouted to Amanda, “At this point, I think I’m with everyone else and considering myself lucky, because I have no idea how that woman is the one that wants me.”

Amanda laughed, “I really have no idea what to say…but this,” she gestured between Myka and Helena and around the whole bar in general, “ _this_ is not what I expected from them tonight.”

Myka finally peeled her eyes away from the stage, “They’re pretty amazing, aren’t they?”

Amanda looked towards the stage, her features softening into warmth and love, her eyes for Pete and Pete alone, “They really are.”

They had the crowd eating out of their hands by the end of the show. Myka knew they were good, knew that they had worlds of potential, but she had to admit she was a little surprised by just how much progress they had made over the last few months, and just how _good_ they were. She looked around the bar; no one was fidgeting, no one was paying more attention to their dates than the stage, no one was crowding around the bar for more drinks, everyone was solely focused on the band, and in that moment Myka knew that it was very likely that sometime soon their lives were going to start changing. A small shot of panic went through her veins that try as she might to dispel she couldn’t quite get rid of. Once the band’s career started moving forward, what would that mean for her and Helena? She tried to ignore it, knowing she was getting ahead of herself in more ways than one, but she couldn’t help the worry that reminded her that she had promised herself to never fall for another musician again. Yet, here she was, hopelessly in love with one and powerless to stop herself from falling harder with every passing second. 

As she watched the four of them interact on stage, as she heard the crowd’s reaction, Myka found herself feeling something that she had not expected when the evening began: nostalgia. She had forgotten just how it felt to have a crowd this _excited_ about the music you were playing, and she had tried so hard to shut that part of her heart off, that it shocked her to find that she missed it. She wasn’t sure if it was because now that she had told Helena, she was more willing to think about it, or if it was just at the forefront of her mind because of their conversation, but she felt a small tug in her heart for what her life used to be, with crowds of people responding to words that you had written from the depth of your soul. She remembered her conversation with Jack and Rebecca from the other night, and wondered if she might finally be at a point that she could take them up on her offer to write for the studio again. She desperately shoved the thoughts to the back of her mind, wanting to focus on the band, rather than her own internal struggles; tonight was about them, not her. Though she did give another passing thought to wondering if she should encourage Jack and Rebecca to give the band a listen. She knew they weren’t really what St. Secord usually put out there, they were more Artifact Records material, but Myka wasn’t sure if that was really the best choice for them. She inwardly kicked herself, this wasn’t her place. She had always told Claudia and Pete that she would never interfere with what they were doing, and that she would only give them advice when it was asked for, they would get nothing unsolicited from her, she wouldn’t push and she wouldn’t meddle. The reality was watching them tonight, she knew they wouldn’t need any help from her; they were more than ready to take on the slings and arrows of this town’s industry on their own. 

As their last song came to a close, Myka didn’t think she had ever seen the four of them so happy, and as she looked over at Amanda, the look on her face told Myka that she wasn’t the only feeling the import of the moment. They watched as the four of them gave one last bow, before turning to each other with wide eyes and huge smiles. 

Amanda was hoarse from too much screaming when she finally spoke, “That was incredible…”

Myka just shook her head in awe, “I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I don’t think _they_ were expecting that.”

Myka laughed and moved back further towards the bar to make room for Todd and Liam who were finally extracting themselves from the crowd. They had decided to brave the wild, crashing together bodies of the closer throngs of people, all in the name of enjoying the moment, while Myka and Amanda had stayed near the back to avoid the chaos. Todd was beaming and shouting way too loud from his ringing ears, “They were amazing!!”

“Aww thanks Todd-O-Rama!” Claudia’s voice caught them all off-guard as she ran up behind Todd and wrapped her arms around his waist. He spun around quickly, scooping her up in his arms and swinging her around.

Suddenly, they were a mass of arms and shouting as each person sought out their other half. Pete had Amanda wrapped up, kissing her so exuberantly that Myka had to look away quickly. Liam and Steve were quieter, Liam simply playing with Steve’s throbbing fingers, and whispering words of encouragement. Helena finally emerged out of the throng and stepped towards Myka, a look of longing mingled with exuberance dancing in her eyes. All Myka could do was pull her forward into a hug that hopefully seemed normal and unspectacular to those around them, but felt heated and hopeful to Helena. Helena let out a giddy sigh against Myka’s ear whispering, “You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now.”

Myka tried to fend off the shiver crawling up her spine, Helena’s voice was cracked and hoarse from singing and the register it hit sunk into Myka somewhere just below her navel, leaving her breathless. She willed herself to keep it together, whispering in response, “You are well aware that everyone in this bar most likely wants to kiss _you_ right now, right?”

Helena chuckled and pulled back to look Myka in the eye, “I couldn’t care less what the rest of them want, I only care that it’s what _you_ want.”

The more Helena spoke, the more Myka was certain she wasn’t going to get through the rest of the night in one piece, or at least without overheating. She looked around, making sure that the rest of their group were still too engrossed in each other to pay them any attention, then leaned in to brush her lips lightly against Helena’s cheek, whispering as she pulled away, “You have no idea.”

Myka thrilled at the blush which immediately stole into Helena’s cheeks, the way her eyes fluttered shut at the briefest of touches. Myka was convinced she would never tire of making this usually calm, collected woman lose her bearings, even if it was only for mere seconds. Helena finally opened her eyes, taking in a shuttering breath, “Oh Myka, I’m pretty sure I do.”

Myka wanted to respond, to say something with the perfect balance of subtlety and need, of want and casual flirtation, but she wasn’t given the opportunity, because suddenly Pete was throwing his arms around both of their shoulders and pulling their attention away from each other and towards the rest of the group, “I think we need to celebrate! Mykes! Knower of all things Colorado Springs, what clubs are still open at this not so ungodly hour of the night?”

She gave Pete a teasing smirk, “That would depend on what kind of _celebrating_ you’re looking to do my dear man child.”

Claudia and Todd popped their heads into the conversation, both proclaiming, “Dancing!”

Pete laughed, “I concur, we need to rock tonight _Footloose_ style, dance our fantastic asses off.”

Myka rolled her eyes, but laughed nonetheless, “You all are crazy, but I’m up for it if everyone else is.” She looked at her watch, “Right now? I would say our best bet would be Blondie’s or V.”

Helena eyed her over Pete’s shoulder, “Do you truly know everywhere you can go in this town.”

Pete answered for her, “Myka is a walking encyclopedia when it comes to our fair city, H.G.”

Steve and Liam merged with the group, Liam speaking up, “We were at Blondie’s last week, and if you are serious about dancing Pete, that would be our vote.”

They all eyed the two of them with a tinge of incredulousness. Steve and Liam always seemed to keep things low key, they didn’t exactly scream “dance club.” Helena shook her head and laughed, “You two never cease to amaze, do you know that?”

Steve shot her a winning smile, “We all have to have our secrets H.G.” The wink that he shot her told both her and Myka more than his words could have, Steve was more than in on their little secret somehow, which meant Liam would be too. 

Luckily Claudia’s exuberant proclamation that, “If it’s good by Jinxsy it’s good by me,” distracted the rest of the group from noticing the look that was exchanged between Myka and Helena. They clearly weren’t going to be able to hide this for as long as they had hoped. 

Pete clapped his hands, “Alright, then let’s get out of here. How do we want to do this, because the four of us came together since we had to get here early.”

Steve arched an eyebrow, but didn’t dare look at Myka and Helena when he spoke, “Liam and I will probably head out together from the club, and I’m guessing that’s what most of us are planning on doing, so I realize it would mean four cars, but shouldn’t we all just split up and drive over separate?”

Pete slung his arm around Amanda’s waist, “Makes sense, since I’m not going home with anyone but this gorgeous lady right here.”

Todd hoisted Claudia clumsily onto his back, “I call dibs on this one.”

Pete looked around, “Then we’re all set.” He started to head towards the stairs, only to pause moments later, “Wait, what about H.G.?”

Myka prayed she didn’t sound too eager, “Oh I can take her home, it’s on my way anyway, as long as she’s good with that.” She wanted to laugh at the insanity of that statement, but kept her composure.

Helena simply smiled, “That works for me, as long as it’s not an inconvenience.”

“It’s no problem.”

With that settled they all stared moving towards the stairs, Myka and Helena lingering towards the back. Suddenly, Steve and Liam were at their side, Steve whispering, “I _bet_ it’s no problem. No worries you two, your secret’s safe with us,” and then he and Liam were gone as quickly as they appeared, following the rest of the group up the stairs, leaving Myka and Helena to simply shake their hands in wonder.

**

The second they were in the doors of the club, Steve, Liam, Claudia, and Todd disappeared into the throng of bodies on the dance floor. Amanda just sighed wistfully, “Ah to be young…” as she maneuvered her way towards a table, tugging Pete along with her, Myka and Helena following as best they could in their wake.

Pete slunk down ungracefully into a corner booth, tugging Amanda down with him, “You just wait, I’ll have you out on that dance floor soon enough.”

Amanda chuckled, “Of that I have no doubt.”

Myka eyed the space next to Helena where she had slid into the booth. Uncertain of what to do she shoved her hands into her back pockets and offered up the first thing in her mind, “First round on me?”

Pete pumped his fist, “I finally get Myka inside a club _and_ she’s picking up the tab!”

She rolled her eyes, “Because your bar bill is going to be so high tonight, Pete. I will gladly pay for all of your drinks, you deserve it anyway. Cream soda if they have it?”

He gave her a thumbs up, “That’s my Mykes, always knows what I need.”

Myka nodded, “Amanda? Helena?”

Helena smiled at her, “Cider for me, if they have it.”

“Ok, one cream soda, one cider. Amanda?”

Amanda extracted herself from Pete’s arm, “I’ll come with you, you can’t carry everything on your own.”

Myka tried to catch the bartender’s eye as quickly as possible, trying to avoid Amanda as best she could in hopes of not continuing their earlier conversation. Amanda, however, was far too quick and far too determined to let Myka get away with avoiding what needed to be said. She leaned into the bar, where Myka stood waiting for their drinks, staring straight ahead, refusing to meet Amanda’s eye. Amanda gave a light pinch to the back of her arm, “You realize that this would be much easier if you two just told everyone right?”

Myka still refused to look at her, “It’s not that simple Amanda, and how on earth would that be easier?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “First of all, you wouldn’t have this look on your face,” she circled a finger at Myka’s turned away face, which was tense and rigid from trying to keep so much at bay. “Second, you would actually be able to enjoy tonight, and spend it on that dance floor with that woman, rather than fidgeting in the booth worried that if you pay her too much attention people will find out. And _third_ , I wouldn’t have to worry about opening my big mouth at the wrong time.”

That drew Myka’s attention, a grin tugging at her lips, “Oh _that_ is by far your most persuasive argument. We should tell Pete and Claudia so that _you_ don’t have to keep your mouth shut.”

Amanda just shrugged her shoulders, “Whatever it takes to make you not look so…pent up.”

Myka threw her head back in exasperation, “Jesus Christ, Amanda that is such a lovely way of putting it.”

“I’m sorry Myka, but that’s how you look, and that’s how Helena looks too. Wouldn’t you rather just be able to be _with_ her tonight, rather than fighting it?”

The bartender sat their drinks down in front of her, and Myka gladly took up Helena’s cider and her own pop, she did her best not to drink around Pete though he swore he didn’t mind, glad to have something else to focus on. She motioned for Amanda to take the other two drinks, and began working her way back to the table, shouting back towards Amanda, “I told you, it’s not that simple.”

She had misread how close they were to their table, because suddenly Pete was shouting at her, “What’s not that simple?”

She knew she looked flustered, and she knew her eyes had immediately, and far too quickly, stolen to Helena, who thankfully kept her composure, simply taking her cider and taking a, maybe longer than usual, sip. She ran her hand through her curls, “Nothing, Pete. Amanda was just trying to persuade me to dance, which we all know isn’t going to happen easily.” She watched out of the corner of her eye as Helena give a sigh of relief, but Pete’s eyes were shining with a determination that made her nervous. She immediately held up her hands, “No, _hell_ no Pete. I love you, but no, you have this one,” she jerked a finger towards Amanda, “ _she_ can dance with you.”

Pete just kept on smiling in an oddly satisfied way, “Oh, I know that Mykes. However, you know I have my ways, and tonight is about all of us celebrating, which means that at some point your ass will be on that dance floor, and I think I know how to get that to happen.”

Myka just rolled her eyes and sank into the booth next to Helena, careful to keep a moderate distance, “Oh really? Do tell Lattimer?”

Pete drank down half of his cream soda, and pointed a finger at Helena. Her eyes widened, “Peter, why exactly are you pointing at me?”

Pete unfolded himself from the booth, “I’m pointing at you because _you’re_ going to dance with me. If you’re out there, I somehow don’t think Mykes will be staying put in this little booth for that long.”

Myka felt her own blush as much as she saw Helena’s, but Helena recovered quicker, “Lucky for you Pete, I don’t need that much persuading.” She scooted towards Myka urging her to move so she could get out of the booth, “I have every intention of celebrating tonight, and if that involves dancing with you, I will gladly accept the invitation.”

Pete pumped his arms gleefully, “See H.G. this is why I love you. You never, ever cease to surprise me.”

“Yes, yes, I know I’m wildly unpredictable, now are you getting me on that dance floor or what Peter?”

“Oh sassy! Let’s go.”

Myka couldn’t help but laugh as she watched Pete grab Helena’s hand and tug her out into the crowd, threading their way towards where Claudia and Steve were embarrassing Liam and Todd as best they could with their extremely strange dancing. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of Helena, who was moving far too much and far too well with Pete. Myka wanted nothing more than for it to be her arm wrapped around Helena’s waist, for it to be something she said that caused her to laugh suddenly, for it to be her that was drawing the jealousy of every other person in the club because she was the one getting to dance with her. As she watched, she felt Amanda’s fingers tapping against her hand where it lay on the table, “You cannot tell me that you wouldn’t rather that it was you out there with her, rather than Pete.”

“Amanda…”

“No, Myka. I told you earlier that this conversation wasn’t over, and I’ll be damned if I let you wiggle out of it again. Talk to me. Why on earth _aren’t_ you the one out there with her?”

Myka sighed, tucking a stray curl behind her ear, “Because it’s still early and we said we were going to take it slow.”

“And slow means depriving yourselves of each other’s company all night?”

“No, it’s just, we wanted to keep it to ourselves for a little while, just give ourselves some time to figure things out. You know how Pete and Claudia are, Amanda, once they know, they won’t let it go, and neither of us are really ready for that level of crazy.”

“Ok, I’ll give you the crazy, but they love you both, they’ll be happy for you, isn’t that a good thing?”

“It is, but you know Pete, he’ll be happy but will also go all big-brother on her, and what if it doesn’t work out and we’ve put everyone through the ringer for nothing?”

“Myka this has to be about the two of you and no one else. You can’t make decisions like this based on what you think the rest of them are going to think or do.”

“I know, but like I said, it’s still early.”

Amanda quirked a skeptical eyebrow at her, “Based on the kiss I saw earlier, it doesn’t _look_ early.”

Myka sighed, “It is, trust me.”

Amanda paused for several long, laden moments, eyeing Myka carefully. Myka who was unable to keep her eyes from straying to that body continuing to move with grace and heat on the dance floor. Now it was Amanda’s turn to sigh, but it wasn’t exasperated, instead it was sympathetic, “Myka, you like her.”

Myka turned her eyes back to Amanda, “Of that I am painfully aware.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t a problem Amanda, not really, but like I said, it _is_ really early. We’ve kind of had a whirlwind last few days, I mean this really only started yesterday. Can you blame us for needing a little time to adjust?”

“Describe whirlwind for me?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Now you’re just fishing for details…” Amanda just shrugged her shoulders and waited for her to continue. Myka sighed, “I went over to her place Wednesday night, after I had played at the Regents. We talked, and then I kind of got snowed in at her place, and well…here we are.”

“Ok, those aren’t details. What exactly happened during your little snow in?”

“Nothing really...”

“But you’re together now right? So clearly something happened…”

“Yes, we’re together, but I swear we mostly just talked. I told her about Sam. We watched movies. I took her to The Sidecar for hot chocolate.”

“Did you sleep with her?” 

Myka’s eyes went wide, half-shouting, “Amanda!”

Amanda didn’t even flinch, “Oh come on Myka, it’s a fair question. You two have wanted each other basically from day one, if I were you, that would have happened.”

“Well, I am not you, and no, I didn’t sleep with her, not technically.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “What the _hell_ does that mean?”

“Nothing. I am so done with this conversation.” 

Myka moved to get out of the booth. Apparently, Pete was going to get what he wanted far earlier than she was planning this evening, because if she could escape Amanda on the dance floor, that is where she would go. Before she could take two steps, Amanda had grabbed her wrist, “No way, explain the technically, and then I will let you flee, dear one.”

“I didn’t _sleep_ with her, but I did sleep with her. I slept in her bed last night, ok?”

Amanda burst out laughing, “Oh Myka, you two have it so bad for each other, it isn’t even funny.”

“Then why on earth are you laughing?”

“Because I love you, and I’m happy for you, and honestly I’ve been wanting this to happen for months, so I kind of can’t help it.” Amanda’s laughter continued until she saw the haunted look that crept into Myka’s eyes. She moved her hand from around Myka’s wrist, and slid it to link with Myka’s fingers, “Hey, I’m sorry. Myka, I’m seriously happy for you, but I’m not sure I understand why that look is on your face right now. Why on earth do you look like you want to disappear?”

Myka sank back down into the booth next to Amanda, “Because I’m happy Amanda, I’m happy, and I feel _way too much, way too soon,_ for that woman out there, and if this falls apart, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I never thought I would let myself get in this deep again, and now I have and it’s basically day one. I will not be able to survive this heartbreak Amanda.”

Amanda’s tone softened and she squeezed Myka’s hand, “Who says it’s going to end in heartbreak dearest?”

“My track record isn’t exactly stellar on that front.”

“That is in the past Myka. This is a fresh start, a chance to have, what I think could be an incredible amount of happiness, with someone who cares about you more than I think you even realize.”

“And how exactly do you know that?”

“Because that woman is at my house more than you realize. Those three practically live at our house at this point, and believe me when I tell you, she is crazy about you.”

Myka tried to fight the smile that tugged at her lips, “I just don’t want this to be a disaster.”

“Stop acting like it’s going to be and you’ll probably be fine. Give yourself a chance to be this happy again Myka…you deserve that more than you think.”

“She makes me happy.”

“I can see that, and do you know what I think would make her happy?”

“What?”

Amanda smirked, “If you went out on that dance floor and rescued her from my lovable goof of a boyfriend.”

“Maybe I will…” Myka turned and pulled Amanda into a quick hug, whispering a “thank you” into her ear.

Amanda squeezed her tightly, “I love you, and you know this is what I’m here for.”

“I know.” Myka stood and held her hand out, “Shall we?”

“Lead the way. If anyone is going to keep Pete from busting out his horrendous dance moves, it’s probably going to be me.”

Myka shot her a smirk over her shoulder, “That is highly doubtful, but I will love watching you try.”

In the end, no one was able to stop Pete’s dancing from devolving into something truly embarrassing, and because everyone was so caught up in the moment, the celebrating, the being together, the simply having a good time, no one seemed to notice or particularly care that Myka spent most of her time on the dance floor with Helena. No one seemed to notice or care if maybe Helena’s hands stayed on Myka’s hips longer than they did when she was dancing with anyone else. No one seemed to notice or care that in the end the two of them barely noticed that there were any other people with them that night. However, noticed or not, Myka knew that she wouldn’t be able to endure another night like this, another night of pretending that this wasn’t happening, another night pretending that the light touches and the coy remarks were just the signs of playful teasing between friends. No, Myka knew as she left the club with Helena’s hand pressed lightly to the small of her back, that this couldn’t stay a secret for very much longer. She knew as she hugged Pete tightly, and as he mockingly made her promise to get Helena home safely because none of them could live without her that she had to tell him and soon. She knew as Amanda held her close, and wished her luck with the getting home safely, with a particular _lilt_ to the word _home_ , that Amanda was right, that she deserved to be happy, to fully live into the happiness that Helena presented her with, regardless of what crazy might descend on them once everyone knew. 

Myka knew it was irrational to feel nervous at the prospect of Helena sliding into her car, nervous at driving her home, when she had been doing this very thing for months, when she was so used to Helena being in her car, that sometimes it felt weird when she wasn’t there. Yet, as Myka’s trembling fingers snapped shut on her seat belt, she couldn’t deny that irrational or not, she was nervous. Nervous because this felt categorically _different_ ; the driving Helena home in the middle of the night, because now Myka had been inside that home, and inside the bed inside that home, and she didn’t quite know how to adjust the very normal situation of her driving Helena home, with the new very not normal situation of their being together. Her fingers sought to gain purchase on the steering wheel as her mind circled around thoughts of what exactly would happen to their going slowly plan if Helena asked her to come upstairs, because Myka knew she wouldn’t say no, it would be completely out of her power to say no. The trembling of her own fingers was given no chance to abate, because as soon as they were out of the parking lot, Helena’s own, distinctly _not_ trembling, fingers, were reaching over, and lightly, carefully, but surely coming to a rest against Myka’s thigh, just above her knee. Myka tried to take a deep breath, but found her lungs were incapable of taking in more than a scant wisp of air. She stole a quick second to glance at Helena, to try and discern her mood, her state, her _intentions_ behind this possessive, intoxicating gesture that was currently sending heat waves across Myka’s skin. Yet, the image she was greeted with wasn’t what she had been expecting. She had been expecting heat and anticipation and possibly, _hopefully?_ , seduction, but instead she was faced with Helena’s head leaning back against the head rest, eyes closed, small smile on her face, the very image of calm contentment. It was enough to cause the knot of nerves that had settled into her chest to untangle. Helena wasn’t nervous, Helena wasn’t seemingly anticipating anything, Helena seemed content as ever to be in this car, in this space with her, as they were, nothing more, nothing less. Her hand’s location simply a happy acknowledgment that for the first time all night they could be themselves without trying to put up a front of concealment. The deep breath that had eluded Myka only moments before, rushed into her lungs, and she smiled, unwinding one hand from the wheel and letting it come to rest on Helena’s, entwining their fingers with a small squeeze. She turned another sidelong glance to Helena, and was greeted with a small, happy smile, before her eyes were again closed, her head resuming it’s reclining position on the seat. 

Myka ran her thumb across Helena’s knuckles, “You look exhausted babe.”

Helena smiled, “Just enjoying the fact that it’s simply the two of us is all.”

Myka gave her a soft, sidelong smile, “I must say, I didn’t expect it to be as difficult as it was…trying to act like we aren’t together.”

“Are you rethinking our decision from earlier? About keeping it between us for awhile?”

Myka stared into the night, unsure of what she was feeling, “I don’t know, honestly, because I do want that, I want us to have time to just figure things out, but at the same time, if we have to keep doing _this_ when we’re around everybody…I just don’t know if I can handle that.”

Helena turned her head slightly, gazing at Myka’s profile, the set of her jaw, the slight crease in her forehead as though she was deep in concentration, “I know. I don’t know why we thought it would be easy to do this, to pretend, to…” Helena’s hand gripped slightly harder against Myka’s thigh

“Keep our hands off of each other?” Myka chuckled.

Helena fought back a blush, “Well, if we’re being honest? Yes. Having you right there in front of me tonight, dancing, and not being able to really be with you…not exactly something I’d like to relive anytime soon.”

Myka felt a shiver chase across her skin. She knew how much she wanted Helena, how she had felt watching her tonight, but never had she really imagined that Helena might want her just as much, it seemed too implausible to be true, yet the way Helena’s fingers flexed around her thigh, the way she kept glancing at Myka, eyes chasing up and down her body, it was fairly obvious that she was wanted as much as she wanted Helena, “So what do you want to do?”

“Maybe it would be easier to simply tell them…”

“Well, Amanda already knows…”

“She does?” Helena’s head jerked towards Myka, a mixture of shock, and possibly, panic on her face.

Myka sighed, “She saw us kissing earlier. So she knows and so do Steve and Liam clearly, so really it’s just Claudia and Pete.”

“And Todd…”

Myka laughed, “Somehow I don’t think Todd cares one way or another. If it doesn’t have to do with Claud or a computer that boy is oblivious.”

Helena chuckled, “That boy has it bad, that is for sure.”

“I think maybe we’re making this too hard. I mean, yes, Claudia and Pete will be loud and obnoxious and try to make a big thing out of it, but then the crazy will fade and we can just move on.”

“And it’s not like we have to sit down and have some huge conversation with them. I believe it would be easier if I simply just came in tomorrow morning and kissed you, as I will want to, and let them figure it out for themselves.”

Now it was Myka who was blushing, apparently it was going to take some time for her to get used to the fact that this gorgeous woman was actually her girlfriend. She fought to find her voice, “That…that would probably work.”

“Are you blushing darling?”

Myka turned her head slightly, feigning a look towards her blind spot, “Well now that you’ve pointed it out, I definitely am.”

Helena laughed, “Why on earth are you blushing?”

“I don’t know…can we, can we just change the subject?”

Helena just kept laughing, “Whatever you would like darling…however, I will tell you that you _might_ need to get used to my telling you how much I want to kiss you, since I don’t really anticipate that desire dissipating anytime soon.” Helena gave a light squeeze to Myka’s thigh and her lilting laughter continued to dance through the car.

Myka slowly let out a deep breath, “You…you are something else, you know that?”

Helena smirked, “Some people tend to refer to that as my _swagger_ , darling.”

Myka just shook her head incredulously, “That they do. Speaking of which, do you have any idea how incredible you were tonight?”

Helena flushed deep and quick under Myka’s apparent adoration, “Thank you darling.” Helena shifted to adjust her position so that she was sitting somewhat sideways, facing Myka, giddy, excitement starting to cause her contentment to recede into the background, “The whole night feels somewhat unreal. I almost can’t believe it happened.”

“It happened, it most definitely happened, and I think the four of you need to be prepared for a lot of attention starting to come your way.”

Helena’s lip curled under her teeth, and her fingers clenched tighter around Myka’s, “I don’t want us getting ahead of ourselves. It was one show.”

“It was one amazing show Helena, and sometimes that’s all it takes. You guys…” Myka took a deep breath, trying to find her words, “you guys have something and it’s not going to take very long for people to realize that.”

Helena sighed, “It did feel truly amazing…it was nothing of what I was expecting.”

Myka arched an eyebrow towards her, “What exactly were you expecting?”

“I don’t know really. I’m not sure I expected to _feel_ quite as much as I did while we were up there. I didn’t expect it to be…”

“Intoxicating,” Myka shot her a quick, encouraging smile.

“Exactly! I guess I just assumed people would tolerate us, and we would play, and then leave. I didn’t expect them to like us.”

“You’re a hard group to not like. It also helps that you’re all kinds of crazy good. I cannot tell you how amazed I was by you guys tonight, Helena.”

“It helped having you there…and I don’t just mean for me. You make such a difference, Myka, particularly to Claudia and Pete. I hope you realize that.”

Myka gave a small shrug of her shoulders, “I just want what’s best for all of you, and if my being there and supporting you helps, then I’m happy to be there.”

Helena gave her a questioning look, “You really don’t ever give yourself enough credit do you? You think that people could take you or leave you, and yet you don’t see that there are people all around you that don’t quite know what they would do without you.”

The tightness in Myka’s chest returned as Helena’s words came out in a quiet rush, a blush creeping into both of their cheeks at the admission. It didn’t help matters that Helena had chosen to speak those words right as Myka was pulling up to her apartment. Myka wondered how this always happened to them, how they always found themselves in these types of conversations right at the moment when said conversations were drawing to a close. The second that Myka had removed her fingers from Helena’s and shifted into park, Helena was right there, straining across the center console, fingers scrambling for purchase in her curls, pulling her in tightly, begging her lips for entrance which Myka gladly gave. Myka’s fingers traced along Helena’s neck, leaving the ghost of goosebumps in their wake. Just as she was contemplating the intelligence of getting rid of the confines of her seat belt, Helena pulled away with something that could have just as easily been a groan of defeat, as it was an invitation to continue. Her forehead rested against Myka’s, fingers still curled lightly in her hair. She took a deep shuddering breath that Myka felt dance across her own skin, “You have no idea how much I want to invite you to come upstairs…”

Myka smiled at the unabashed _longing_ in Helena’s voice, knowing full well that it would be present in hers when she responded, “You have no idea how much I _want_ to come upstairs with you.”

Helena sighed and moved away slightly, but not enough to completely remove herself from Myka’s touch, “However…I think I should just say good night now.”

“In the interest of keeping up our promise to take things slowly, you’re probably very right.”

Helena leaned back in and kissed Myka lightly, her fingers tracing softly against Myka’s cheek. She pulled away barely, and whispered against her lips, “Good night Myka.”

Myka couldn’t even find the strength to open her eyes, too entranced by everything that this woman was, “Good night Helena.”

Only then did Helena completely extract herself from Myka’s side of the car, and only then did Myka open her eyes, only to be faced with Helena pulling her bag out of the back seat and climbing out of the door. She leaned back into the car, before shutting the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow darling. Let me know when you get home.”

“I will…”

She watched Helena climb the stairs just like always. Watched her open the door and give one last wave just like always, but Myka didn’t pull away immediately upon Helena disappearing from view. Her body needing more than a little convincing to actually leave, and not just throw caution to the wind and run up those stairs in desperation. One deep, calming breath later though, she willed those thoughts to dissipate, and finally, unwillingly, she drove home.

**

Claudia was the first to find out, simply because she and Helena came to rehearsal together on Saturday morning. Helena did exactly as she promised. She and Claudia walked in wrapped up in conversation about the night before, Claudia too entranced to truly pay Myka any attention. Myka’s attention was focused on her computer until Helena came up and leaned across the counter, “Good morning darling.”

Myka offered her a crooked smile, “Good morning.”

Helena pushed herself further up on her elbows, leaning further across the counter, and Myka was helpless to do anything but respond, leaning into her, as Helena pressed a light, easy kiss against her lips. She pulled back with a smirk on her face, because Claudia was still standing next to them, still talking a mile a minute, as though nothing had happened, until she stopped mid-sentence, jaw-dropped, “Wait a second…what the hell just happened?”

Helena arched an eyebrow at Myka, then turned to Claudia, “What happened was I kissed my girlfriend good morning.”

Myka’s hand instinctively reached to rub the back of her neck, her eyes drifting down to her computer, unable to hold in her laughter at Claudia’s spluttering. Claudia just kept trying, unsuccessfully to find words, “Girlfriend? You? Her? Like THIS IS HAPPENING?!” Claudia threw her arms around Helena, “I told you! Oh, I so told you this would happen.”

Helena laughed and briefly reciprocated the hug, “Yes, you are always right Claudia, _always_.”

Claudia’s face was frozen in a huge smile as she ran around the corner and caught Myka around the shoulders, nearly knocking her off of her stool, “How? When? Oh my God you two are adorable.”

Myka rolled her eyes, and reached up to pat Claudia’s head in an adoring manner, where it was nestled on her shoulder, “Thank you Claud, and if you most know, since Thursday.” She shot a quick smile towards Helena who was seeking to muffle her laughter at Claudia’s exuberance into her palm.

Claudia jumped upright, “THURSDAY!? So, you two were together yesterday and you didn’t tell us?! Way uncool guys, way uncool.”

Helena sighed, “Apparently, no one is allowed any secrets around here.”

Claudia laughed, “Nope, not in this family H.G., sorry. Ok, I want details!!”

Myka returned her attention to her typing, “No details Claud! I, personally, would like to keep some of my secrets, even if the rest of you don’t want to.”

Claudia stuck out her tongue at Myka, “Party pooper. Fine, ruin all my fun.” She came around the counter and tugged on Helena’s elbow, “Come on H.G., might as well start setting up if Myka is locking up the info vault.”

“I’ll be right there, just give me a second.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “More secrets, _and_ no details.”

Before Claudia could walk away, Helena grabbed her wrist and whispered, “I promise I will tell you everything later.”

Claudia walked away with a satisfied smirk on her face, while Helena turned back to the counter, only to be faced with a suspiciously grinning Myka. Helena arched an eyebrow, “And what exactly is that look for?”

“You’re going to tell her everything aren’t you?”

Helena chuckled, but at least had the grace to look slightly ashamed, “Not _everything_ , however, she is my best friend, therefore I can’t deny that I will tell her _some_ things.”

Myka smiled and tugged on Helena’s wrist where it was laying on the counter, urging her forward, “I’m teasing you Swagger, and believe me, Pete won’t let me out of his sight without his own set of details, so we’re even. In all actuality Pete may simply kill me for not telling him immediately, so I may not have a chance to share any details.”

“Do you believe that he’ll be able to hold off on his killing of you until after our date, or is it simply hopeless?”

Myka feigned deep thought, “Hard to say. I’ll see what I can do to ward him off for a few hours.”

“Marvelous. So…” A fleeting look of nervousness skittered across Helena’s eyes, “what exactly are our plans with that?”

Myka smirked, “With our date you mean?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Yes, oh insufferable one, with our date. Should I just stay here after rehearsal? We didn’t really discuss details…I wasn’t sure if we were simply getting lunch or…”

Myka thrilled at seeing Helena so anxious, so filled with questioning anticipation, “Helena, I’m not exactly going to let our first date just be some casual, friendly lunch. I asked if I could take you out, which means I’m going to take you _out_. So, you can go home, and I will pick you up at eight, ok?” Helena didn’t say anything, just blushed and averted her eyes, unable to look at Myka for a reason she couldn’t quite grasp. Myka laced their fingers and whispered, “You’re kind of adorable when you’re nervous.”

Helena chuckled half-heartedly, “It bodes well for me that you consider it adorable.”

“Why are you nervous?”

Helena ran a distracted hand through her hair, “I don’t know honestly…I suppose it’s still the newness of all of this. As we’ve discussed, I don’t exactly have a great track record with dating…”

Myka squeezed her hand, “And I told you I don’t either. Would it help if I said that behind my apparently marvelous cool exterior, I’m nervous too?”

“It would actually…”

“Well, I am, however, I’m also really excited. This is new for both of us, we’ll figure it out, ok?”

Helena took a deep breath, “Indeed. Thank you darling.”

“Anytime.”

Helena unlinked their hands and stooped down to pick up her bag which she had discarded on the floor, figuring it was probably time to go help Claudia set up, “So, are you going to be sticking around this morning, or am I to be deprived of your company until this evening?”

“Deprived it would seem. I happen to have a few errands to run.”

Helena smirked, “Oh really? Whatever for?”

“Oh nothing special, I just happen to have a hot date tonight that I need to get ready for.”

“What a strange coincidence, I too have a date this evening.”

“A date? Who are you going out with H.G?” Neither of them had heard Pete come in, nor had noticed his presence on the periphery of their conversation. He was standing there, bouncing on the balls of his feet, directing a nervous glance at Myka, seemingly in supportive sympathy that Helena was going out with someone that wasn’t her.

Helena arched an eyebrow at Myka, and allowed her to field the question, “Actually, Pete, she has a date with me.”

Pete’s eyes went wide, “With you?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yes, Pete, with me.”

He immediately held up an enthusiastic hand begging for a high five, “Way to go Mykes!” Helena just laughed, as Myka gave a less than enthused slap to Pete’s hand. 

“Yo! Chatty Cathy’s over there, is anyone going to actually help me set up?” Claudia’s voice echoed around the store.

“Comin’ Claud, just had to give my Mykes props for her mad skills.” Pete leaned over the counter before heading to the back, “I totally expect details young lady!” With a wink and a whispered, “Way to go,” to Helena he bounded to the back of the store.

Myka pointed towards Pete, “See I told you, details already demanded.”

Helena laughed lightly, “Don’t give away all of our secrets. Ok, I must go help or I may be in trouble.” She leaned back over the counter, pressing a light kiss to Myka’s lips, “I’ll see you tonight.”

**

Myka thought she had it under control. She thought she was ok, that she wasn’t really _that_ nervous, yet, as the time ticked by, the minutes moving faster than she thought they should be, she couldn’t quite get her fingers to stop trembling. She knew she needed to get ready, knew that if she didn’t start now she would end up being late, and that was not exactly the best impression to make on a first date, no matter how long you had known the person. Yet, she stayed where she was, rooted to the couch, unable to move, unable to do anything but think about how big of a disaster this could turn into. Her mind kept tracing over the last date she had been on, and the catastrophic ending it had. She tried to remind herself that Helena was different, that she was different, that time had passed, but nothing seemed to work. She didn’t want to screw this up, she didn’t want to hurt Helena, but something tugged in the back of her mind that it was all inevitable. She would do something wrong, she would run away, she would let her insecurity and her doubts get in the way, and all of this would be over before it even started. She shoved the heels of her palms against her eyelids, willing the tears that were building behind her eyes to not fall. “Deep breaths Myka, deep breaths,” she tried to breathe, she tried to focus on something else, but it was hopeless, and now she was definitely riding the line of being horrendously late. She sank into the couch, trying to figure out why she did this to herself, why she ran away from anything that even remotely resembled happiness. She was on the brink of just calling and cancelling when her phone rang. She distractedly reached for it where it sat on her coffee table, maybe Helena was calling to cancel, maybe they could just stop this from falling apart right here and now. She didn’t even look at who was calling, “Hello?”

“See, that tone is why I’m calling.”

“Pete, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she pushed herself deeper into her couch cushions.

“When are you going to learn that I know you way better than anyone else? I know you Mykes, and therefore I know you are sitting there freaking out about this date, that you need to leave for in what? A half hour?”

Myka just shook her head, the tears that had been threatening now freely falling, “Pete, I just don’t know if I can do this…”

She heard him take a deep breath, “Mykes, listen to me, you can do this and you’re _going_ to do this, and do you know why?”

“Why?” she scoffed.

“Because you are crazy about her. Because you deserve to be happy, and H.G. makes you happy. And mostly, you’re going to do this, because you _want_ to do this. Myka, you should have seen your face this morning when you told me that H.G.’s date was with you. You were so happy, Mykes.”

“I just don’t want to hurt her…”

“Why do you think you will?”

“Because I’m _me,_ Pete! Because this is what I do, ever since Sam, all I do is run away from anyone, anything that makes me happy. Because maybe I’m incapable of believing that I deserve happiness, maybe I’m incapable of believing that there’s any way Helena actually feels about me, the way I feel about her.”

“Mykes…slow down. Breathe. Come on, deep breaths, with me. In and out. Just like we used to when you got like this, ok? In,” she heard him take in a deep breath and she did the same, “Out.” She let the air slowly leave her lungs. “Good, another, in, out.” She didn’t know how he did this, how he knew what would work, “One more Mykes, in, out.” She closed her eyes and felt her pulse slow, felt her fingers starting to still. Pete’s voice continued, “Myka, you take this one day, one date at a time. Don’t start thinking about the future and what might happen. All you have to worry about tonight is having a good time. So you’re going to get ready, because I know you’re still sitting there in your sweatpants, and then you’re going to get in your car, and you’re going to go pick H.G. up and you guys are going to have a blast, ok? You _do_ deserve this Myka, and believe me when I say this, that woman feels about you _exactly,_ how you feel about her. She’s not going anywhere.”

“What if I give her a reason to go somewhere, Pete? What if I run?”

“I don’t know…all I know is that not showing up tonight would probably be a really, really bad start.”

A small puff of laughter pushed through her lips, “I know, I’m acting insane.”

“You’re not insane, you’re nervous, and you have every right to be nervous, however, I really believe that once you get there, once you see her, all of this that you’ve got going on right now, it’ll disappear.”

“I hope so…”

“Go get ready, please. Get ready and go have a good time.”

“Ok…thank you…for always knowing what I need.”

“That’s what I’m here for. You need anything tonight, you just have to call. Now, go and show that woman a good time.”

“I’ll try my best.”

She hung up and took another deep breath. Pete was right, this was what she wanted, and if she started running away now, at the beginning, she was going to ruin everything. She looked at the clock, she needed to leave in twenty minutes, she could get ready in twenty minutes; she would have to, there was no way she was going to let Helena know she had come so close to not showing up.

**

Though she would probably never admit it, at least not to his face, Pete was right about one thing in particular. The second, the very moment that Helena opened the door to let her in, every single doubt, every single bit of nervousness in her body disappeared. How could they not when faced with this gorgeous woman opening the door with _that_ smile on her face, and with _that_ dress laying perfectly across her body? What helped more than she ever anticipated it would though was the fact that Helena too seemed a little nervous, her voice was a bit quieter than usual, her eyes a little less inclined to linger on one place. Myka realized that they were in this together, and they would figure it out that way, _together_.

Myka’s mind was suddenly clear and focused, unable to think about anything other than how happy she was to be in this moment. She knew she looked stunned, but the look of appreciation in Helena’s eyes told her that was the effect Helena had been going for. She desperately scrambled to find her voice, “You look…gorgeous.”

Helena, for once, didn’t blush, but settled a little further into her heels, enjoying the fact that she was for once Myka’s height. The look on Myka’s face when she opened the door, it was well worth the hours of agonizing over what to do wear, “Thank you, darling. Do you want to come in?”

Myka almost didn’t process the words coming out of Helena’s mouth, her mind trapped in a haze of red silk and black heels. Thankfully, at least part of her mind was paying attention, she glanced at her watch, “Actually, we have reservations, so we should probably head out. However, you might want to do something with these before we go.” She had purposefully kept her left arm out of eyesight, waiting for the right moment. Part of her felt foolish at how “traditional” she was being, but she also knew she wanted to do this right, and right for her was the look on Helena’s face when she took in the small grouping of white and red roses she held up for her. 

Now, Helena blushed, because never had she imagined Myka being so _intentional_ in her planning, “Myka…they’re beautiful. You didn’t have to do this…”

“I _wanted_ to do this.”

Helena didn’t say anything, just leaned in and brushed a soft kiss to Myka’s lips, “Well, thank you. I’ll just put these inside and then we can go.”

Inwardly, Myka admitted to herself that she had absolutely no idea what she was doing, but she figured that if she could keep that look of contented, flirtatious surprise on Helena’s face all night, she was probably doing ok. 

**

Halfway through dinner, tucked into a quiet corner booth, where there was little to accompany them except their shadows playing on the wall from the candle flickering on their table, Myka realized that all her usual worries and concerns about dates, simply weren’t there with Helena. She usually spent so much of her time worrying that there would be a lull in the conversation that she would end up causing one by diving into deep thought trying to come up with topics to keep things flowing. She would worry that she was talking too much or too little, that she wasn’t responding appropriately, or that she simply was fidgeting too much. Even sometimes with Sam, she would worry that they would run out of things to say to each other. Yet, none of those usual fears were there with Helena. Their conversation flowed naturally and rhythmically, and when they lapsed into any period of silence, Myka didn’t feel nervous and worried, rather she felt content, content that they could enjoy each other’s company without words. However, those moments of silence were few and far between. Their conversation ebbed and flowed around Helena’s time in England, about where she grew up and particularly about her time at Oxford. Myka couldn’t stop herself from staring at Helena’s hands as she explained and weaved her way through descriptions of feats of engineering she had once envisioned building. Myka was enraptured by Helena’s fingers, and more than once had to remind herself that she needed to be focusing on Helena’s words, and not on what else those fingers were capable of. They talked about what exactly it was about the store that had driven Myka to open it, about some of the more eccentric requests she had received, and about how Myka had always dreamed about composing music rather than writing lyrics, even though that was the way her life had gone. It felt like hours and like no time at all, and Myka realized that in her introverted world, it was rare that she found someone whom she never wanted to stop talking to, yet, as was the case in her life it would seem, Helena was the exception to that rule. 

As they left the restaurant, Helena tucked her arm through Myka’s elbow, “So, what else do you have planned for us tonight dear Myka?” 

Myka gave a soft, secretive smile, “You will have to wait and see…”

“You and your mysteries…”

Myka drove them across town, and pulled into the small parking lot of a fairly unassuming building. Helena eyed her carefully, “Motif? What is this place?”

“ _This_ just happens to be the home of the best jazz music within a fifty mile radius.”

Helena beamed and tugged Myka towards the door, “Well, don’t keep me waiting then.”

A woman, who clearly knew Myka well, ushered them to what she described as Myka’s “usual table,” and took their drink orders. Helena ordered a martini and simply smirked at Myka, “Is there anywhere in this town where you _don’t_ have a usual table?”

Myka feigned consideration, “Probably one or two places…”

“For all of your claiming to lead a quiet life, Myka Bering, you certainly keep yourself busy.”

Myka blushed slightly, “I guess, I just always felt like if I was going to live in a town like this, where there was this much music to soak up and this much talent around, it would be a waste to miss it. I mean, why would you want to live here if you didn’t want to _experience_ what this town is really about?”

“I always felt similarly about those who turned their noses up at all London had to offer, simply claiming that it was too much of a ‘tourist’ thing to do to get out and actually take in the city.”

“Do you miss it? London, that is?”

Helena, suddenly thankful for her newly delivered drink, took a long, slow sip, weighing how exactly to respond, “I do, not as often as I used to though. I’ve come to appreciate living here, but there are times when I miss certain things, certain atmospheres. I miss actually having a decent cup of tea most days. I miss feeling the weight of all of the city’s history hovering above me. However, I’ve come to learn that every city has its _charms_.”

Myka chuckled, “I suppose that’s true. If it wasn’t I probably wouldn’t be spending so much of my time trying to show you all the things I enjoy about living here…”

“Well, you’re doing a lovely job darling. I’ve grown to love this city, quite quickly.”

“I’m glad…” Myka eyed the stage where a trio was setting up, calculating if she had time to continue their conversation, “What about your family? I mean I know mine are a pain and a half, but I’m not sure I could imagine living so far away from them…” Helena gave her an incredulous look, and Myka rolled her eyes, “Ok maybe I should clarify, I’m not sure I could imagine being that far from my Mom.”

Helena’s laughter was light, musical, she reached over and linked her fingers with Myka’s, “I do miss my family, however, we have not always been on the best footing with each other, and honestly, we’ve discovered that we function better when we’re not living right on top of each other.”

“You don’t really talk about them much…”

Helena ran a swift hand through her hair, praying she didn’t look disconcerted, though Myka was treading very close to topics that Helena didn’t particularly care to broach, at least not tonight. She tried not to sigh and was only half successful, “I suppose there isn’t often much to say. However, I will admit that since Charles had his children, it has been more difficult to be away. It is rather difficult to be Aunt Helena from across a computer screen.”

“Now that…that would be tough. I mean Tracy and I might have our differences, but once she had Ethan, I was sunk.”

Helena’s smile was wistful, and Myka thought possibly tinged with a little sadness, but her voice betrayed none of that, “Now that I would love to see, Aunt Myka.”

“I spoil the kid senseless, there’s really not much else to say,” Myka chuckled.

Helena opened her mouth to say more, to say more than she probably should, but her words were cut off by a light thrumming of an upright bass. She breathed out what could have been a sigh of relief or of frustration, her brain wasn’t sure which. The music picked up in intensity, and all of her focus shifted to the group on stage, thankful that her mind had such a ready distraction. Their booth was a small semi-circle, and as she turned further to face the stage, Myka pulled lightly at her arm, encouraging her to settle back into Myka’s side, tucked comfortably under her arm. She readily gave into the pull, and let out a hum of appreciation as Myka’s fingers carded lightly through her hair accompanied by a light kiss to her temple. Helena’s thoughts, so easily pulled into dark corners, faded under Myka’s warmth and attention, and she sank into the rhythm and the beat of the music surrounding them.

Halfway through their set, the trio indicated that they were going to slow things down for awhile, and Helena felt Myka’s lips curve into a smile where they rested slightly against the side of her head. Suddenly, Myka’s voice was whispering to her over the soft rhythm of the piano, “I have a tiny confession to make. There was one other reason why I brought you here tonight.”

Helena turned to face her, eyebrow already arched and curiosity tugging at the corners of her lips, “And what is that?”

Myka just pointed towards the center of the room, near the front of the stage, where couples were beginning to dance quietly, contentedly to the music. Helena’s eyes followed where she indicated, then turned back towards her, a satisfied grin on her face. Myka’s eyes were alight with unabashed happiness, “I figured, I didn’t really get to dance with you last night, I didn’t exactly want to wait very long for another opportunity.”

“Are you asking me to dance then?”

Myka chuckled and extracted herself from their booth, hand extended towards Helena, who gladly accepted and allowed herself to be lightly pulled onto the dance floor. 

Helena wasn’t sure she’d ever felt so at peace, at least never on a first date. Myka’s arm was sure and secure wrapped around her waist, their entwined hands held up high enough that every so often Myka would wrap a finger around a piece of her hair and twirl it around. Helena tucked her hand over Myka’s shoulder and leaned into her, reveling in being able to be this close to her without worry or wonder. They could have danced for a few minutes or for the entirety of the trio’s set, neither of them were sure, it was as though time had ceased to turn and travel properly. The piano player gave an indication that their slow set was coming to an end, and Myka’s arm squeezed tighter around Helena’s waist, wanting to savor the last few moments of contact. Helena leaned up to look Myka in the eye, whispering, “You, Myka Bering, are not what I expected…”

Myka gave her a quizzical look, but then simply smiled, “I hope that’s a good thing…”

Helena pushed closer, brushing her lips softly against Myka’s, “It is a wondrous thing darling.”

**

The night ended simply and near perfectly. Myka, in another wave of traditional fervor, walked Helena to her door, their hands clasped tightly, waiting until Helena had retrieved her keys and unlocked the door to the building. She turned back to Myka, who was practically beaming, and said the first thing that came to her mind, “I had a wonderful time tonight.”

“I did too.”

“Maybe you’ll let me plan the next one?”

Myka chuckled, “I’d like that.”

“It’s a date then.” Helena smiled and leaned into Myka’s embrace, tucking an arm around her waist, as Myka’s fingers floated through her hair and towards the nape of her neck. It was small and simple and slow and more than either of them could adequately process, so neither of them tried. Myka simply leaned back whispering, “I’ll see you on Monday,” as Helena smiled with shining eyes and made sure that Myka would let her know when she got home.

**

“So do you remember our conversation the other night? About my family?” Helena’s eyes never left her salad, her voice quiet, unsure.

Myka looked up from her own lunch, “Yeah?”

“Well…I’ve been thinking, and I realize that it might seem completely contrary to my previous statements, but I think I need to go home for Christmas. I wasn’t planning on it initially, but” she ran a wayward hand through her hair, “I think I should go home.”

Myka eyed her carefully, something seemed off, “Ok, I’m going to state the obvious here…why on earth do you sound like you’re apologizing to me about going to see your family?”

Helena rolled her eyes, more at herself than at Myka, “I don’t know…I just…it’s Christmas, and there is a part of me that would much rather be here, with all of you, than there with all of them, however…”

“ _However_ , you miss your family. Helena, you need to go home.” Helena continued to stare at her food in silence, fork twitching distractedly amongst her lettuce. Myka reached over and tugged on her fingers, “Helena…this is not something you need to apologize for, this isn’t even remotely close to something that requires this look you’ve got going on being on your face.”

“I know, I guess, I just feel torn, I mean I know this…this is early, but I do regret that I won’t be here…with you…”

Myka bit back a smirk, this was not the time to remark on Helena’s tendency to be adorable. Myka simply linked their fingers, giving Helena’s hand a small squeeze, “It is…regrettable…and I will miss you terribly, but babe, if this is something you need, if this is something you want, then that’s what you need to do.”

“You promise you aren’t upset?”

Myka couldn’t hold back her chuckle, “That is an impossible question! Because yes, I am going to miss you, but we’ve been together for like a week, that doesn’t exactly give me the right to demand holiday time…” A distracted, almost pained look chased across Helena’s face, causing Myka to rush on, “but maybe…maybe you tell me you might be home for New Year’s…”

Helena’s smile returned, full and shining, causing Myka’s stomach to at once flip in happiness, while also churning slightly that they were clearly in far deeper than either of them were willing to admit, and how dangerous that fact might end up being. Helena’s fingers against her wrist pulled her back from her distraction, “Of that you can be certain. I booked my flights this morning, I return the morning of the 31st.”

Myka fought to give an unrestrained smile, “That’s all I can ask for then. Well, and if you would at least let me drive you to the airport?”

“Myka, you don’t have to do that…”

“Ok, I think we have the whole girlfriend thing a little confused at the moment. I might not think it’s my place to dictate your holiday plans, however, I really, really, _really_ , think that I at least need to make sure that you get to your plane in one piece, and that I get to see you as much as possible before that plane takes off.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Insufferable.”

“Ah, but now you have chosen to date me, so you have to deal…” 

Helena pulled a face, while stealing one of the tomatoes Myka had pushed to the side of her salad, “You see this face that I’m making at the moment? This is my resigning myself to my fate face.”

“Well, at least you’re coming to terms with it…” They ate in silence for a few moments until Myka’s voice broke through the calm, “So, are you looking forward to seeing your family?”

Helena tried to fend off a sigh. She knew she was going home for more reasons than simply seeing her family, but that wasn’t exactly something Myka needed to know yet, “I am…it’s been far too long since I’ve been home, so it will hopefully be a lovely holiday.”

Myka pretended not to notice the look on Helena’s face, one that looked so familiar to Myka because she knew it was how she looked whenever someone mentioned Sam, haunted, torn, far away. She had promised Helena time, and she would give it to her, so she simply smiled, slipped another tomato onto Helena’s salad and said, “I’m sure they’ll be glad you’re home.”

**

“Helena! What a pleasant surprise!” Jeannie Bering circled around from behind the counter, tilting her glasses up to the top of her head, and enfolding Helena in a quick, but tight hug.

“Hello Jeannie,” Helena returned the hug, despite still finding it strange that Myka’s mother was so _open_ with her affections.

“Have you finally escaped my daughter long enough to get in here and shop without her incessant teasing?” Jeannie shot her a quick wink. Helena blushed hot and fast; she hadn’t even considered that Myka might have told her mother about them, but the look Jeannie was giving her said all she needed to know. Jeannie laughed warmly and squeezed Helena’s arm, “Oh my dear, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you, Myka just happened to mention to me yesterday at dinner that you two were…well…figuring things out is how she put it, but I know my daughter and well, I know my daughter. And since I know her so well, please for the love of God do not tell her I just said all of that to you, she will murder me!”

Helena instantly felt surprisingly at ease, chuckling at Jeannie’s earnest warmth, “Your secret is safe with me. Though I fear she will know I have been here, since I am here to get something for her, so she may figure out rather quickly that we’ve talked…”

“Well, at least I’m prepared for the onslaught of questions about what I could have possibly said to you, because believe me, she _will_ demand to know.”

“That does not surprise me in the slightest.”

Jeannie arched an eyebrow at Helena, bemused look on her face, “My Myka…she is something else. Are you sure you can put up with her?”

The teasing look on Jeannie’s face did nothing to dispel Helena’s certainty that there was a seriousness behind the question. Knowing what she did now, Helena realized that Myka being in a relationship would most likely be a source of concern, and maybe hope, for her parents, well, for her mother at least. Helena gave her a soft smile, “I want nothing more than to put up with your daughter Jeannie…”

“Good.” Jeannie gave a soft sigh and a shrug of her shoulders, “Well, I shouldn’t keep you from your shopping.”

Helena stole to the back of the store, hoping against hope that what she was looking for was still there. She wanted to have it in hand before allowing herself the freedom to wander and browse as much as she’d wanted to last weekend when Myka brought her here. Jeannie had been completely right on that account, Helena had held back knowing Myka would tease her mercilessly if she went overboard. She had no intention of holding back today, but first the H.G. Wells section beckoned. Initially, Helena’s heart sank, it didn’t seem like it was there. On the shelves for over twenty years without a buyer and then the one time someone actually wanted it it was gone. Her eyes scoured every inch of the shelves until finally, finally she saw it. Myka must have wedged it in further than necessary, possibly in an attempt to keep anyone from finding it, when she put it back the other day. Helena’s fingers pried it from between the two larger volumes encasing it, and ran her fingers lightly over the precious cover. She might not be able to actually be with Myka on Christmas, but she was determined to at least find a way to make it memorable. Now that she had what she came for in hand, Helena gave herself the freedom to sink into the store’s depths, never ceasing to be amazed at the enormity of Myka’s father’s selection. Finally, when she was beginning to even judge herself a little bit for the amount of books in her arms, she returned to the counter and Jeannie’s lilting laughter, “I knew Myka was keeping you from shopping as much as you wanted.”

Helena laughed, “Yes, well, I didn’t exactly want to embarrass myself right off the bat.”

“If there is anyone in this town that will never judge you for a book habit, Helena, it’s my daughter.”

“I certainly hope that’s true…”

Jeannie punched each price into the register, her eyes barely taking in the titles, until the thin volume slipped into her hands. Her fingers stilled and she turned a wistful, soft smile towards Helena, “This…this was her absolute favorite.”

“She showed it to me last weekend…”

Jeannie rang up the price and shook her head, “She will love this. She will probably feign embarrassment, but she will be so thankful.”

“That was rather my hope. I suppose I might be aiming a bit too high for a first Christmas, however…”

“It’s perfect.” Jeannie put the rest of Helena’s books into a bag, but before she could hand it across the counter to her, her hands stilled and the handles sagged against her fingers. Helena watched her take a deep breath, with a look on her face that reminded Helena of how Myka looked when she was deciding on something. Jeannie rested her hands against the bag of books, “I’m going to say something, and I will probably regret it, and this also falls under the ‘you tell my daughter and I may ban you from this store’ rule, but I have not seen my daughter look as happy as she has in the last few months in a very, very long time. I realized last weekend, seeing you with her, that much of that was due to you. I have to thank you for that… _however_ , I also have to tell you that it would be in your best interests to not hurt my daughter, Helena.”

Helena almost laughed, for no other reason than imagining the horror on Myka’s face if she knew this conversation was happening. Thankfully, her better judgment and her recognition of the importance of the moment kept her from doing it, “I assure you Jeannie that I have no intention of doing so…”

Jeannie eyed her carefully for just a passing moment, then smiled and handed her the bag, “Merry Christmas Helena.”

“Merry Christmas Jeannie.”

**

Myka’s fingers punched a little too forcefully into her computer keys. Before she could do it again, Claudia’s hand had stolen around her own, “Whoa, easy there hulkling. I will not allow you to break this computer, which I have lovingly installed far too many nice things on for you.”

Myka fought against Claudia’s hold, “But it is driving me insane!”

“Nine times out of ten, if a computer is driving you insane, it’s user error…” The look Myka shot her made Claudia slowly back away, arms raised in a nonthreatening manner, “Or ya know it’s totally the computer’s fault and you should by all means harm it at all costs.”

Myka hung her head in her hands, “None of my usual searches are working. I cannot find what I’m looking for, and it is making me crazy.”

“I can see that. What are you looking for anyway?”

Myka returned her focus to the screen, mumbling, “Nothing…”

“Oooo something for H.G., huh?”

“Claud….”

“Oh come on Myka, you wouldn’t look this frustrated if it was just something for a customer.”

Myka sighed heavily, “Fine. Yes, I am trying to find Helena a Christmas present, and I cannot find what I was planning on getting her.”

“Can I help?”

“No, I have one other place I can look, but if they don’t have it, I am officially screwed.”

“Ok, spill it. What are you trying to find for her?”

“Eons ago, I heard this _amazing_ live version of ‘Rhiannon,’ which just happens to be Helena’s favorite song, and I know it’s on an album out there, but I can’t find it.”

“You are the queen of tracking down the impossible, you’ll find it.” Claudia slung her guitar case over her shoulder and grabbed her stack of textbooks that were lying on the counter, “Alright boss, I’m out of here. Last final is tomorrow and then I’m free, but for now, a night of studying lies ahead.”

Myka’s eyes had already returned to her computer, “Good luck! I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks captain.”

It took two more hours of searching and hunting and tracking, but finally, _finally_ , Myka had it. She ignored how much she was spending, just thankful that she could get it overnight, and be able to give it to Helena before she left for London. She filled out her order information, double checked a few more details, and then finalized her order, breathing out a sigh of relief. At least, even if they wouldn’t be together for it, she might still be able to make it a Christmas Helena would remember.

**

“You’re being awfully quiet over there Sleepy…”

Myka gave Helena a small smile and simply tightened her grip around Helena’s fingers, where they lay linked against her knee. 

Helena gave a soft sigh and looked out the window, ten more miles to the airport, and Myka had barely said a word their entire drive. Helena didn’t want to make any assumptions as to why, but she had really hoped that they wouldn’t have spent their last little bit of time together in near silence. She tried again, “Care to tell me what’s on your mind?”

Myka brought their entwined hands up to her lips, placing a soft kiss against the back of Helena’s hand, “I guess, I just didn’t anticipate it being this hard…realizing I’m not going to see you for like a week and a half…”

“I was thinking about that myself this morning actually. It seems rather strange considering I’ve seen you practically everyday for the last three months, I don’t quite know what I’m going to do with myself without you around.”

Myka sighed, “But you get to see your family and that’s a good thing, so we will both just have to manage.”

“Always so practical…”

Myka smirked, “Yeah, well, I figure practical is better than doing something slightly crazy like crying because my girlfriend is leaving.”

Helena chuckled, “I must confess I rather prefer your brand of crazy, but if you’ve decided on practicality, I will support that.”

“So what are the big Wells’ family plans for Christmas?”

“I honestly have no idea…it’s been so long since I’ve actually been home for Christmas, I’m not sure what has changed.”

“How long has it been since you’ve been home?”

Helena sighed, “I haven’t been back since I moved to the States…”

Myka’s eyes widened, “You haven’t seen your family in _two_ years?”

“My brother came to visit me in New York a few times, but yes it has been two years since I’ve seen my parents, and two years since I’ve been in England.”

“Hasn’t that been hard? I mean I realize my family aren’t exactly my favorite people all the time, but still…”

Helena’s gaze turned out the window, unable to meet Myka’s eyes which were pleading for answers, “It has been. However, some things are rather harder to deal with than simply being apart from one’s family. I’m afraid the whole thing is rather complicated, and I believe we are nearly there, so I regret that I must leave it at that.”

Myka just shook her head and merged into the lane for departure gates, trying to process the new information. The haunted look that lingered on Helena’s face unnerved her. Helena hadn’t told her why it was that she decided to go home, but Myka worried that she was missing something, something vital, and because of that she was unable to be there for Helena in any kind of supportive way. Suddenly, Myka realized that this had to have been how Helena felt for the better part of the last few months, and she reminded herself that she had promised to give her time. Clearly this trip was something Helena needed, even if Myka wasn’t sure exactly why, but for now, she simply needed to let it be, and give Helena the necessary space. She pulled into a spot by Helena’s airline and put her flashers on, popping the trunk and getting out of the car to retrieve Helena’s luggage. She maneuvered the suitcase out of the trunk and lugged it onto the sidewalk, “What on _earth_ did you pack?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I packed what I needed. I would advise you to be impressed that I actually fit it all into one bag, it is a feat which doesn’t happened very often.”

“I really, really want to make a comment about lead singers being high maintenance right now…”

“I would really, really advise you not to if you are actually desiring a goodbye kiss darling.” Helena glanced at her watch, “Which unfortunately probably needs to happen soon if I have any hope of getting through security and to my gate on time.”

Myka sighed, “I know…I suppose I’m simply trying to delay the inevitable.” 

Helena was getting ready to lean into her, when Myka pulled away and practically dove into her backseat. Helena just shook her head, “Darling what on earth are you doing?”

Myka’s voice echoed from the depths of her car, “I cannot believe I almost forgot!”

“Forgot what?”

She reemerged with a wrapped package in her hand, “This! Now, you are absolutely forbidden from opening it until Christmas, I just hope you can find room in your bag for it.”

Helena blushed slightly and pulled her bag around from her shoulders, digging her fingers into it and pulling our Myka’s gift, “Thank goodness you remembered, or apparently I would have forgotten as well. Rules apply all the same to you darling.”

Myka’s smile was wide and watery, “I really, really don’t like this…”

“You don’t even know what it is…”

Myka pinched lightly at Helena’s waist, pulling her closer, “You know what I mean! _This_ , you leaving, exchanging gifts on a sidewalk.”

“I know…” Helena rested her forehead against Myka’s, “God, I’m going to miss you…”

Myka linked her hands around Helena’s waist, “I know, I’m going to miss you too. You’ll let me know what you land?”

“I will,” Helena adjusted her angle and pressed her lips firmly against Myka’s. 

Myka tightened her hold around Helena’s waist, all the while fighting against the small tears that were building at the corners of her eyes. Dammit, she was _not_ going to do this, but as Helena’s fingers curled against her cheeks, she was no longer able to control it. Helena pulled away reluctantly, and Myka immediately moved back in placing another small kiss against Helena’s still parted lips. They both sighed and loosened their holds, Helena trying to turn away quickly so that Myka didn’t see that she too was crying. Myka chuckled and tucked her fingers under Helena’s chin, thumbing away the stray tears on her cheeks, “We are both completely hopeless it would seem.”

Helena spluttered a watery laugh, “Apparently so.” She sighed and gave her a body a small shake, “Ok, I just have to go, because if I don’t, then I won’t, and well, that would be problematic.”

“Ok,” Myka pressed another light kiss against Helena’s lips, “Fly safe. Merry Christmas Swagger.”

Helena smiled and reached for her luggage, “Merry Christmas Darling.”

Myka stayed leaning against her car until she could no longer see Helena where she had disappeared into a check-in line, and only then did she reluctantly get back in her car, no longer caring a bit about how many tears were falling against her cheeks. Merry Christmas, indeed.

**

_Regent’s Park, London, Christmas Eve, 2010_

Charles maneuvered another log onto the fire, stoking the embers to keep the room filled with warmth and the aroma of the last dregs of cider that was still languishing in the pot hanging above the flames. He glanced a brief look over his shoulder to the couch where Helena was reclined back with a book balanced on her knees, though the look on her face indicated that she wasn’t really paying it much attention. A soft smile stole over his face, he had missed her, “Have I mentioned how happy I am that you are here Hel?”

She jumped slightly, Charles’ voice stealing into her thoughts that were lost in a haze of green eyes and piano keys. She idly closed her book and offered him a gentle smile, “You have, however, I am not adverse to hearing it again, given that I am quite glad to be here myself.”

Charles brushed his hands together before retrieving his whiskey from the top of the mantle, then gracelessly collapsing onto the floor leaning back against the couch near Helena’s knees. He gave her an incredulous look, “Are you sure about that? Because the look on your face doesn’t exactly seem all that happy.”

She grinned and reached for her wine, taking a slow sip, trying to choose her words carefully, “I am Charles, truly. However, I will admit that there are some disadvantages to being here…”

“You miss the girl,” he chuckled. Helena gave a light slap to the back of his head, jostling his drink, “Hey, careful, precious commodity here! And please, by all means, tell me it isn’t true.”

Helena blushed, but it was hidden by the darkness and the shadows of the fire, “It is true, however, you _could_ refer to her by name dear brother, since she does have one.”

“Ah but where would the fun be in that when I know how much it bothers you when I don’t?”

“Now, I am truly beginning to wonder why on earth I came home…”

“Because you missed us, and because we missed you. You should have seen Anna and Philip’s faces when I told them you were coming, they were over the moon.”

Helena smiled wistfully, “I’ve missed them especially. It’s not exactly the same being Aunt Helena from thousands of miles away.”

“They adore you, whether you are here or only visible on a computer screen, especially since somehow you still manage to spoil them rotten.”

“Just being a good aunt is all.”

They lapsed into silence, both appreciating the fire and their drinks. Charles rolled his tumbler between his hands, weighing how to approach the real subject at hand, wondering if Helena would brush him off, as she usually did. He finished the rest of his drink and rushed on, “Hel? I have to ask, why now? Do not mistake me, I am very, very glad you are here, but I can’t help but wonder what made you finally come home, after all this time?”

Helena stared into the fire until lights danced in front of her eyes, “If I’m being perfectly honest, it has to do with Myka…”

“The girl…”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Yes, dear brother, _the girl_.”

He chuckled, “And what about the girl exactly has brought you home?”

Helena sighed, “She has a past Charles, a rather complicated and harrowing one. It took quite some time, but eventually, she shared that past with me. It was what led us to actually pursuing a relationship with each other. I have told Myka that I am ‘all in’ as it were, however, I have come to realize that in order to actually mean that, I have to deal with my own history…”

“Which has brought you back here…”

Helena nodded, “Which has brought me back here.”

“Ok, I just have to say, I knew from talking to you on the phone that you liked this girl, but I had no idea how much you _like_ this girl.”

“Oh please do stop it.”

Charles turned to her in earnest, “I’m serious, Hel. If wanting to be with her has actually caused you to come home, that says quite a bit about how you feel about her. I must say that I thought it was possibly just some passing thing brought on by the new city and the new life you have right now, but this seems to be something altogether different.”

Helena sighed and brushed her hair back from her forehead, “It is…it is _entirely_ different, and I just hope I am able to handle it.”

“You said that she has a past. What kind of past?”

“I would prefer to keep those details private, but she lost someone, quite tragically, and it has left her hesitant to pursue relationships.”

“Sounds like someone else I know…”

“ _Precisely_ Charles. In order for this relationship to move forward we both need to be able to deal with our own pasts, she has done so for me, or is trying to, therefore it is time for me to do the same.”

“Have you shared anything with her about your life when you were here?”

“Some, but not much. She knows I was at Oxford, she knows I left two years ago, that I had a need for a change, but she doesn’t know why.”

“We all have our pasts, Hel, and if Myka has her own, she will understand when you choose to share yours.”

Helena sighed and involuntarily tightened her grip around her glass, “I rather hope so, though the last time I tried to share this part of my life with someone, it didn’t exactly go very well.”

“Myka is not Nate, Hel.”

“I know that, however, you know as well as I do that the affects of the past linger well beyond when they should.”

“I do, but it sounds like Myka knows that too.” 

“She does. I simply can’t help fearing that we both have been through too much to not end up hurting each other because we’re so stuck in the past.”

“The only way to avoid that is to try moving on together, and the only way you can do that is by talking to her.”

Helena sighed, “I know, and I will, and God help me, she is so supportive and has told me to take all the time I need, I just don’t want this thing still hovering over us.”

Out of nowhere, Charles laughed, “God I have not even met this woman and I already love her. I do hope this sticks baby sister.”

Helena laughed in spite of herself, “Oh thank you for that wonderful vote of confidence Charles!”

Charles stood, chuckling, “What are big brothers for?” He leaned down and placed a kiss against Helena’s forehead, “Welcome home, Hel.”

Helena closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Thank you…”

Charles placed his glass against the end table and ruffled the top of Helena’s head, “You should probably try and get some sleep, I do believe I might let you have the honor of waking up with the children in the morning. You are here to celebrate Christmas after all, might as well let you have the full experience.”

“I will bolt my door…” Helena threatened.

“They will break it down, trust me. One should never come between my children and their presents.” Charles gave Helena’s shoulder a small squeeze, “Good night.”

Helena grasped her brother’s hand lightly, “Good night Charles. I shall see you bright and early it would seem.”

**

_Boulder, Colorado—Christmas Day, 2010_

Myka threw the last bit of wrapping paper into a garbage bag, tied it up, then leaned over and placed a light kiss against her nephew’s blonde curls. After hours and hours of Christmas morning energy, which quickly turned into Christmas _afternoon_ energy, the kid was out, passed out in a not so tiny ball on the couch. Myka pulled a blanket down from the back of the couch and laid it gently over him, happy to see that he had his new stuffed elephant, one of many gifts from her, tucked under his arm, one of his fingers curled around the trunk. She couldn’t resist one last kiss to his hair, which smelled far too much like Christmas cookies, and she wondered in passing how on earth that had happened. Smiling against his temple she whispered, “Merry Christmas Little Man.”

She retrieved the bag of wrapping paper, only to have Tracy’s voice startle her and cause her to drop it, “You have no idea how much I love that you love him so much.”

Myka picked up the bag, smiling, “He’s an easy kid to love…unlike his _mother_ used to be.”

Tracy pinched Myka’s arm as she tried to walk by her into the kitchen, “Hey, it is Christmas, and that level of snark is unacceptable.”

Myka smirked and pressed a kiss to Tracy’s forehead, “You know I love you Trace, and you also know you used to be a total pill on Christmas morning.”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “Geez you throw one present across the room and no one lets you live it down.”

“Never.”

Myka bumped Tracy’s hip in an effort to get her to move, but before she could maneuver into the hall, Tracy was pulling against her hand, bringing it up between them where Helena’s gift was clutched in Myka’s fingers, “And what exactly is _this_ big sister? Hoarding presents?”

Myka blushed and tried to pull her hand away, “It’s nothing.”

“It is not nothing. You’re sneaking it out of here like it’s a big secret.” Tracy flipped the tag over with a stray finger, “Love, Helena huh? Helena as in the lead singer, Helena? Helena as in you can’t stop talking about her when I call, Helena?”

Myka groaned and slumped against the wall, “ _Yes_ , as in that Helena.”

“Oh big sister you have it bad don’t you?” Tracy’s voice echoed down the hallway.

Myka swatted at her shoulder, “Shhh, God Trace, please announce this for the entire city to hear.”

Tracy rolled her eyes and relinquished her grip on Myka’s hand, giving a passing glance to the kitchen and hallway, assuring Myka they were alone, “Oh come on, Myka, it’s not that big of a deal _or_ that big of a secret for that matter.”

“Maybe not from _you_ , and ok, maybe Mom, but it sure as hell is to Dad, so just…just drop it ok?”

Tracy arched an eyebrow, “Ok, fine, I will keep quiet, but come on, you have to give me something. Are you finally dating this woman now? Emphasis on the _finally_.”

Myka averted her eyes, suddenly intent on the present in her hand, “Yes…”

Tracy threw her hands in the air in mock exultation, “Alleluia! I swear I thought the world would end before that happened.”

“Trace…”

“Myka, I’m sorry, but come on. You have talked about this woman nonstop since she got here, and you can’t blame me for hoping it might happen, and you also can’t blame me for really wondering if you would make that move.” Tracy squeezed Myka’s arm, “I’m happy for you Myka, that’s all. However, I will stop torturing you, and let you go open that present which I’m sure is burning a hole through your fingers.”

**

_Regent’s Park, London, Christmas Night, 2010_

Helena found herself exactly where she had been the night before, glass of wine in her hand, lounging on the couch, watching Charles adjust the fire, only this time her parents and Charles’ wife Shelby were accompanying them. Charles was in some sort of deep discussion with her father, but Helena wasn’t paying attention, her mind too busy focusing on her computer screen, which for the last three hours had kept her occupied with absolutely nothing, though she kept staring at it in hopes that Myka might call. Finally, just as she was debating giving up and simply going to bed, her screen lit up, and she practically spilled her wine in an attempt to extract herself from the couch as quickly as possible.

Charles chuckled from his newly reclaimed spot on the floor, lounging against his wife’s knees, “Ah the lady finally calleth.”

Helena didn’t even bother to waste her time with a response, simply shooting him a scathing look, and escaping to the guest room down the hall from the living room. At the sound of the door clicking soundly shut, Shelby sighed and ran a hand through Charles’ hair, “Oh the joy of young love.”

Helena landed quite ungracefully on the bed, finally answering the Skype call, “Happy Christmas, darling.”

Myka’s face was alight with the biggest smile Helena had ever seen, “ _Merry_ Christmas to you Swagger.”

Helena’s chest swelled with a happiness she couldn’t quite describe at hearing Myka’s voice, “How has your day been so far?”

Myka repositioned herself on the pullout couch in Tracy’s den, running a relaxed hand through her curls, “Good, fun actually. Ethan is just at that perfect age to be totally excited about every single present. I’m not sure any of us have any idea what we actually opened, we were so busy paying attention to him.”

Helena laughingly smiled, “Unfortunately, Anna and Philip are at the perfect age to bother each other mercilessly at all times, so our own gift-opening felt a bit like running the gauntlet. How did Ethan like his _elephant_?”

Myka chuckled and rolled her eyes, thinking back to earlier in the week when she had dragged Helena to more stores than she cared to count in search of said elephant, after Tracy had told her Ethan had just that day become fascinated with them. Helena had told her she was crazy to brave the stores that close to Christmas, Myka had told her she didn’t care, and Helena had in turn mocked her for her self-proclaimed spoiling of Ethan. Myka gave her a pointed look, “For your information, he is currently passed out asleep with it on the couch. It has not left his side since he opened it.”

“Alas the hunt for the perfect gift is declared a success. Utter chaos, but a success.”

Myka gave a soft smile, but didn’t say anything. Helena could see her fiddling with something just barely off screen, and when she finally looked back at her, Helena noticed there were small tears in her eyes, but before she could ask why, Myka’s voice emerged, soft and slightly cracked, “Speaking of perfect gifts…”

Helena blushed and bit her lip, she wasn’t sure if Myka had opened hers yet, though she herself had opened hers before doing anything else that morning. It had taken her a full fifteen minutes to get herself back together, before finally giving in to the summons of her niece and nephew. She took a deep breath, “I was wondering if you had opened that yet…”

“I just did, and Helena…I just…I don’t even really know what to say…” 

Helena watched as a small tear slipped down Myka’s jawline, and all she wanted was to be able to reach through the screen and wipe it away, “Well, I must say I wasn’t quite intending on making you cry on Christmas…”

Myka gave a watery chuckle, “No, it’s totally ok, they’re good tears, trust me. God…I just feel like saying thank you is not even close to what I need to say.”

“Thank you is plenty, darling, and the look on your face right now? Ok, well, minus the tears, that’s all I could ask for.”

“You really didn’t have to do this…”

“Oh and you did?” Helena held up the pristine Fleetwood Mac album she had opened earlier, “Because _this_? This is…well…this left me speechless, and lucky for me I opened it earlier, so you missed my own woefully, teary face”

Myka’s eyes sparkled, “You really liked it?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Oh Sleepy, you are crazy… _of course_ I liked it! I have already listened to it, despite my brother’s declarations that I was not allowed to lock myself in the study for part of Christmas afternoon. I simply chose to ignore him, and gladly so, because this album is magic, Myka. How on earth did you find it? I’ve never even heard of it before.”

Myka beamed, “That is a trade secret. If I told you, you might learn all my hidden gems and put me out of business.” Helena just rolled her eyes as Myka continued, “So what did you think of that version of ‘Rhiannon’? That’s really the whole reason I wanted to track it down.”

Helena sighed happily, a wistful look on her face, “It is unlike anything I’ve ever heard before. She is so _impassioned_ , it’s like she’s trying to exorcise something from herself, it’s remarkable.”

“I will confess I listened to it before I wrapped it, and I was totally blown away. It had been a long time since I’d heard it live, and I really had no words.”

Helena contemplated her next words, then simply decided to rush forward, “Myka, I should warn you, your mother might ask you about your gift.”

Myka’s eyes went wide, “Why?”

“Well, she was at the store when I bought it, she seemed quite aware of it’s significance. She obviously knew it was for you, so I just didn’t want you being caught off guard is all.”

“That is definitely a much appreciated heads-up.” Myka eyed Helena carefully, “What exactly did you say to her when you got it?”

“Simply that I wanted our first Christmas to be special, that is all.”

Myka gave a soft sigh that might have been of relief, “Yeah there’s no way she doesn’t bring that up…Lord, she’ll probably do it over dinner.”

Helena tensed, “Darling, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put you in an uncomfortable situation.”

Myka’s smile turned consoling, “No, no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, at all. I simply mean she is my mother and she has a propensity to say things at odd times. Honestly? Right now, she could ask me about it in a full shout on the front porch, I wouldn’t mind.”

Helena’s smile returned, “Well, if that’s the case, I suppose I’m in the clear then.”

“I really, really cannot tell you how much this means to me Helena.”

“I’m glad. Myka, I just wanted you to know that who you are, your thoughts, your feelings, those are things I value, they’re important to me. _You_ are important to me.”

Myka blushed and wiped away another loose tear, “It is wildly unfair that you are saying this when I have no ability to kiss you for it.”

“I shall be home in a few days darling.”

Myka sighed, “I miss you…”

“I miss you too.”

Myka glanced down at her watch, “Ok, I know this was kind of short, but I know it’s late there, and I should probably go start helping with dinner. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

Helena smiled brightly, “Absolutely. Thank you again darling, and Merry Christmas.”

“You’re welcome. Happy Christmas Swagger, and thank you…for…well…just…thank you.”

Helena offered Myka one more deep smile, and then disconnected the call. She sighed as she leaned back into the pillows, the next few days could not go fast enough.

**

“H.G! Please, please tell me you are coming home soon, Myka has been the queen of mopey since you left. Come home. Save. Us.” Claudia’s face took up all of Helena’s computer screen as she begged and pleaded to the camera.

Helena couldn’t contain her laughter, while Claudia mimicked begging on her hands and knees, “Oh Claudia, I highly doubt she has been that bad.”

Steve’s face appeared in the corner of the screen, “Oh H.G. please believe her, _please_. I’m actually not sure mopey begins to describe it actually.”

A little thrill went through Helena’s veins. It wasn’t that she wanted Myka to be mopey, as they put it, but knowing she was missed as much as she missed Myka, well, it wasn’t exactly the worst thing she could have been told. She smiled, “I will be home in a few days, so you must only survive a little longer. In the meantime though, I might have something to keep you distracted from Myka’s apparent mopeyness.” 

Claudia’s eyes brightened, “We will take anything you’ve got H.G. We’re getting desperate.”

“Well then, I’m going to send you something I recorded ok? It’s a little bit different from what we’ve worked on before, but I had hoped you all might be able to figure out some music for it.”

Claudia gave her a thumbs up, “No problem-o H.G. Send it along, it’ll give us something to do until you make your triumphant return.”

“Marvelous. Thank you.” She paused, considering, “Claudia? Has Myka really been…”

Claudia rolled her eyes and didn’t let Helena finish, “H.G. trust me, that woman is desperate for you to be home. She misses you, _a lot_. I actually witnessed her giving into a Pete movie marathon without any protests.”

Helena gave a soft smile, “Well, as I said, I’ll be home in a few days. I’ll see you then.”

“Over and out, H.G.”

**

“I can come with you, you know?”

Helena rolled her eyes as she looked through her check-on one last time making sure she had everything she needed, “I know you can Charles, however, I believe this is something I need to do on my own.”

“Are you sure? Let me at least drive you over.”

Helena turned and placed a consoling hand against her brother’s shoulder, “It will be easier to take a cab, and that way I can just go straight to the airport.”

“ _I_ could drive you to the airport.”

“Will you please listen to me when I said I have to do this alone?”

Charles’ eyes fell to the floor, “I’m trying, but I’m worried about you. I just want you to be alright.”

Helena hugged him tightly, “I know you are, but I assure you, I will be ok. This is what I have to do, this is what I came home to do. I just…I just need to say good-bye one more time, that way I can go home ready for a clean start.”

“With the girl…”

Helena pulled away and slapped lightly at his shoulder, “You are obnoxious.”

Charles chuckled before his tone returned to its prior serious level, “Are you absolutely sure about this Hel?”

“I am positive. I’m doing it for Myka, and in the end that makes it worth it.”

Charles sighed and wrapped Helena in one last hug, “Fine, then I shall stop bothering you. However, I demand you call before you get on the plane _and_ when you land.”

“I will, I promise.”

“I love you baby sister. I am so very glad you came home.”

“I love you too. Thank you…for everything.”

“What are big brothers for?”

Helena placed a small kiss against her brother’s cheek, then with only a last passing glance at him over her shoulder, closed the door behind her, and walked down to her cab waiting by the curb. She still had a few more hours until she had to be at the airport, enough time to take care of the real reason she was in London in the first place, and then she could go home, go home to Myka. 

**

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs—January 4, 2011 (Helena’s first Tuesday back)_

Myka closed up her office and slipped her purse over her shoulder. The band was setting up in the back, but Helena was loitering by the counter, unwilling to fully leave Myka’s side. Myka thought she seemed nervous, unsettled. She had been that way since she had gotten back from London, but Myka stood by her promise of giving her time, so she didn’t push or press, she simply gave her space, and maybe a few extra doses of affection for good measure. She slipped around the counter and pressed a kiss to her temple, “I’m heading out.”

Helena gave her a questioning look and a quick glance up and down, “And where exactly are you heading out to, looking as devilishly attractive as you do?”

Myka blushed, heart fluttering, then offered Helena a cocky smile, “Oh you know, out with my secret girlfriend… _Amanda._ ”

Helena rolled her eyes and pinched Myka’s waist, “Insufferable, just like always.”

“Always. Seriously though, Amanda’s off tonight, and since Pete’s here, she suggested we get dinner. Give ourselves a night away from you _musicians_ for the night.”

“Oh yes, _us_ musicians, who are just torture to the both of you.”

“Exactly.” Myka pressed a light kiss to Helena’s lips, “Call me later?”

Helena’s lip curled under her teeth, eyes darting towards the stage, “Actually…Myka…would you mind sticking around for just one song? I would like you to hear something we’ve been working on, well _I’ve_ been working I suppose. Claudia would demand that I lay claim to it, regardless…”

Myka chuckled under her breath, “Swagger, you’re rambling. I’ll stay, I don’t have to meet Amanda for a little while anyway, so get back there and show me what you’ve got.”

Helena gave her a soft smile and headed towards the stage, “Claudia? Might we try what I sent you last week?”

Claudia clapped her hands gleefully, “Totally! We’re ready if you are.”

Helena sighed wondering if that was quite what she was, ready. Yet, Myka had done this for her, and her time at home had helped. She shrugged her shoulders, it was now or never, “I am quite ready, let’s do this.”

Myka pushed herself up onto the counter, watching as Helena’s face went from nervous to determined in a matter of seconds. Myka watched as she gave Claudia a small nod, and she wondered in passing if Helena felt as nervous that night at the Regents watching her sing, as Myka felt right now. 

Claudia played out a small, soft rhythm on her guitar, Pete and Steve staying still, as Helena’s voice echoed, clear and strong through the store.

_“I don’t even know myself at all…I thought I would be happy by now…the more I try to push it I realize—gotta let go of control…”_

It was just Claudia and Helena in that moment. The music soft but sure, urging Helena on, but letting her dictate the tempo, the emotion. Myka realized that usually Helena kept her eyes open while she was singing, but now they were closed, focused, her face at once pained and relieved, letting the music fill the space for her.

“It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going, and when it’s dark out, no one’s around, it keeps glowin…”

Myka had heard so many of the things that Helena had written, the things that she had helped Claudia coax out of herself, but never had Myka heard this kind of emotion pouring out of her. It hit her, that most of the time, Helena let Claudia’s experiences and emotions drive their writing, but this, this was all Helena. Claudia’s guitar kept a steady tune, until Pete came in with a strong, heavy bass drum, the pace quickening, the tone changing just slightly. Helena’s eyes opened then and she unhooked the mic from its stand, and traced soft steps across the stage, only glancing at Myka in passing.

_“Every night I try my best to dream tomorrow makes it better, then I wake up to the cold reality that not a thing has changed.”_

Myka’s chest was tightening with every word. She knew, she _knew_ that Helena had _something_ , a past that gnawed at her, but she rarely let it show. Myka knew that she typically wore her own past and issues on her sleeve, but Helena always seemed so grounded and put together, like she had dealt with the pain of whatever had happened to her. As Myka listened to the words, watched her face as she sang, Helena’s words from that night in her apartment, curled up in her bed, about her swagger being a good front, for the first time Myka truly understood what she had meant. Here standing in front of her, singing from the depths of her soul, was the real Helena. The real Helena was the one who kept looking at her with such intensity every time she repeated _“It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me goin.”_ Myka knew Helena was doing what she herself had tried to do at the Regents. Helena was trying to show her, to tell her that part of this song, part of what she was trying to say was solely for her, that she was making a difference. Just when Myka thought that the song was going to beat a steady chorus to the end, Pete and Steve dropped out and it was just Helena and Claudia again.

_“And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning any more than it used to…it’s not that I don’t feel the pain…it’s just that I’m not afraid of hurting anymore…and the blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has…and that’s the hope I have…the only thing I know that’s keepin’ me alive…”_

Helena’s voice dropped out and Pete, Steve, and Claudia kept up a strong echo of _“gonna let it happen,”_ while Pete pounded out a cacophony of backbeats on his drums. Myka tried to give a passing thought to how incredible they were together, the sounds they came up with, but she couldn’t, her mind too entranced, too tangled by the pain and the hope that Helena was trying to pour out. Somehow in one song she had conveyed exactly how Myka wished she could live, accepting the pain, but letting hope win out, letting hope keep her going. She realized in that moment that Helena was so much stronger than she was, and said a silent word of thanks that Helena was the one she was starting this new part of her life with. Helena and Claudia sang a couple more iterations of the chorus together, a smile finally breaking across Helena’s face, as she hummed the last few bars to Claudia’s quiet melody towards the end, and when they finished Claudia immediately slung her guitar around her back and wrapped her arms around Helena. Myka knew enough of Claudia’s past to realize that a song like this would speak to her as much as it spoke of Helena’s life, and so Myka hung back giving them their moment. Only when Claudia stepped back, seemingly wiping tears from the corners of her eyes, did Helena turn towards Myka and hop off the stage, her own tears glistening in the twinkle lights. Myka jumped off the counter, enfolding her in a hug she hoped said more than she knew her words would be able to at the moment. 

Helena whispered into her ear, “Thank you for staying…”

Myka ran a hand down the back of Helena’s hair, “For you…I would always stay.” Helena pulled away slightly, fingers lightly wiping at her cheeks, and Myka lifted up a thumb to erase the tears that were clinging to Helena’s jaw. She took a deep breath, “I don’t…now I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave…but Amanda will kill me if I cancel. Will you stay? Will you please wait for me to get home so we can talk?”

“Of course.”

Myka tugged her keys out of her purse, unclipping her apartment keys from the chain, “Here, these will let you in upstairs, whenever you guys finish up just go and make yourself comfortable. Claud can lock up down here, I have the rest of my keys. I swear I won’t be gone long.”

Helena chuckled at Myka’s insistence, “Myka, go, enjoy your night. I will be here when you get home.”

Myka smiled and pulled Helena to her, kissing her softly, “I will see you in a little bit.”

Helena sighed as she watched Myka close the door behind her. Now it began…now…soon…there would be no more pasts, no more secrets between them, and then, well, Helena could only wonder what might happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the tease on Helena's past...I promise it's coming...next chapter!


	9. Shut Up and Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena finally opens up about her past, thus leaving her and Myka nothing to do except start moving forward together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is by Walk the Moon.
> 
> I did change the rating, which is more in prep for the next few chapters, but I figured it was better to be preemptive as things start moving forward for Myka and Helena.

“Can I ask you something?”

Amanda glanced at Myka over the rim of her wine glass, setting it down carefully before responding. Something about Myka’s tone made her itch with worry, “Anything you want.” 

Myka spoke the question to her plate, never quite meeting Amanda’s eye, “How did you handle it when Pete finally told you about his drinking?” Amanda arched an eyebrow at her, the question seemed completely out of the blue. Myka saw the look on her face and continued on, “I mean I’ve talked to Pete about it, and he told me once that it was one of the best days of his life, but I’m just wondering how did _you_ handle it? Finding out?”

Amanda took a deep breath, “Well, I, of course, would like to think that I handled it really well, however I’m sure in the moment that wasn’t quite the case. That whole night is a bit of a blur honestly. I remember crying…a lot. Not necessarily because I was upset, but because Pete was, and because I knew what a big deal it was for him to tell me everything.” Amanda paused, considering, remembering, “More than anything I remember that that was the night I realized I was in love with him, because he trusted me enough to tell me, and because when he told me all I wanted to do was be there with him. Knowing that he had gone through all of that, all of that pain and struggle, and knowing the man that he had become, how far he had come, that’s when I knew, there was no other person I wanted to be with.” Myka took in Amanda’s words, silently trying to process, to think through all of it. Amanda nudged her foot under their table, “What exactly has brought _that_ question up?”

Myka sighed, “I think Helena is finally ready to tell me what happened to her before she moved here, and I don’t know…I’m nervous, but mostly I’m relieved, and I just really, really want to be supportive.” Myka shook her head, and waved a dismissive hand, “I don’t know, I probably sound crazy.”

“You don’t sound crazy. I probably should have also mentioned that I almost had a panic attack the night Pete told me.”

Myka spluttered into her glass, “What?”

Amanda chuckled, “Oh come on Myka, you know Pete. You can imagine he didn’t exactly start out in the most tactful of ways. He got all serious and was like, ‘I need to talk to you about something,’ and I swear to God I was convinced he was either going to break up with me or propose, neither of which I was ready for. I pretty much started hyperventilating right then and there.”

“What did he do?” Myka could not stop herself from laughing.

“He got me a paper bag, and got me through it. Honestly, it kind of eased the tension, I think it made it easier for him to start talking.”

“So you would recommend panicking? That’s your great advice?” Myka smirked.

“Whatever it takes to remove the tension,” Amanda winked. “So, why do you think she’s ready now?”

Myka sighed, “I mean I had been wondering since she got back from London. I don’t know if something happened while she was with her family, but she’s seemed off. It’s not that she’s been distant or anything, but she just hasn’t really been herself. Tonight, though, well tonight kind of sealed it.”

“What happened tonight?”

“She asked me to stay for the start of rehearsal so that I could listen to this song they’d been working on, something she had written, and Amanda, I can’t even tell you. It was heartbreaking and hopeful and such a weird, amazing combination of things. It was this tangle of pain and yet wanting to move on, I don’t know really know how to describe it.”

Amanda eyed Myka with a mixture of incredulousness and sincerity, “Sounds like something you could have written.”

Myka chuckled, “I suppose.”

“So then what? She sings this song and you just left?” Amanda shook her head in mock despair.

Myka swatted her hand across the table, “No! I didn’t just leave, give me a little more credit than that. We talked for a few minutes, but I knew I had to meet you and they still had the rest of rehearsal to get through, but she has my keys, she’ll be there when I get home, and then I guess we’ll talk.”

“Do you have any idea what any of this is about?”

Myka gave a slight shake of her head, “Not really. I mean, she’s mentioned before that she left London because she didn’t really feel like there was anything left for her there. She’s said that sometimes her relationship with her family hasn’t always been stellar, and I guess she lived in New York for awhile, but it never felt quite right. Other than that, I don’t know much.”

“That’s not really a lot of information to go on.”

“Yeah well, Helena isn’t exactly always forthcoming with information.”

Amanda sighed around a laugh, “God you two are perfect for each other.”

“See! But that’s what I’m worried about,” Myka winced at the volume her voice had accidentally risen to. She started again, quieter, “What if we’re both too broken, Amanda? I mean what if we’ve both been through too many horrendous, complicated things to actually be happy?”

Amanda eyed Myka carefully. They’d known each other long enough that Amanda knew she could be honest with her, but that didn’t keep her from hesitating sometimes. Yet, she knew Myka came to her when she was looking for real, hard honesty. Myka knew she could go to Pete for anything, but he would sugar-coat it and try to see all sides, because that’s just how they dealt with things together, Myka did the exact same thing for him. So, if Myka was asking her, she wanted the straight truth, and Amanda was so tired of watching Myka flounder that she would, at this point, say whatever she could to help her stop getting in the way of her own happiness and just get back to _living_ , “See? Now that to me just sounds like an excuse.” Myka rolled her eyes and looked away. “I’m serious Myka. I know how hard things have been, you know I know that, but I also know that I have seen you on the brink of happiness more than once since Sam, and every time you have run away, for one reason or another.” Myka moved to say something, but Amanda cut her off, “Honey, just let me say one more thing. I know there have been reasons to not be with the people you’ve been with, _however_ , I think that sometimes you get in your own way. You’re so afraid of being happy that you find a reason not to be. I don’t want to watch you do that again, especially not now, not when I have seen how happy H.G. makes you. How happy you make each other.”

“It’s not a fear of being happy, necessarily. It’s an absolutely paralyzing fear of losing the person that makes me happy.”

Amanda took a slow sip of her wine, “The thing is Myka, we’re _all_ there. I mean think about it? We’re all fighting some kind of brokenness and worry that it could cause something awful to happen. Look at me and Pete. For the last eight years of my life, I have been with a man who is a recovering alcoholic and who is still dealing with the fact that he lost his dad when he was way too young. Look at Claudia and Todd. Claudia lost her parents when she was in high school. Steve and Liam. They both had to go through hell coming out to their families. Everyone’s got their own brokenness honey, but having someone to love in the midst of it, that helps more than anything.”

“I just don’t want to get hurt again…”

“I hate to tell you this, but from the second that woman walked into the store that card was on the table, because you know what? _Not_ being with her was always going to hurt just as much as having her and then losing her.” 

Myka went to say something in response, and then simply couldn’t stop herself from laughing. Seeing the look of apparent offense on Amanda’s face, Myka grabbed her hand, “No Amanda, I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the fact that I kind of hate you for being so absolutely right all the time.”

A small smile stole across Amanda’s face, “Well, what can I say? I am fairly brilliant in my own way.”

Myka squeezed her hand tight, “You are, and I appreciate it. I fully realize you’re right, about everything, but especially about getting hurt no matter what happens, because the thing is,” Myka sighed heavily, “I couldn’t imagine not being with her.”

“Then I would say all the worrying and the wondering and the near panic attacks are worth it. As long as she makes you happy, it all ends up being worth it. Trust me, I know.”

A serene smile chased across Myka’s face, “She does make me happy. I think for awhile there I had forgotten what happy actually felt like.”

“You know it when you’ve got it.”

“And God help you, you found your happiness in Pete…”

Amanda chuckled, “That I did. Apparently, I am a sucker for adorable goofballs.”

“If you’ve put up with him for eight years, I would definitely say that’s true. Honestly? I had thought I was over wanting that, but now…”

Amanda sighed, thinking of Pete as much as she was thinking of Myka and Helena, “It all changes when you actually find the person worth spending the rest of your life with.”

**

Myka expected it to feel strange, walking into her apartment and having Helena be there, yet something about it simply felt right, like it was always meant to be that way. Helena’s boots were collapsed by the door and she had settled herself on the couch, blanket casually thrown over her knees, book propped up in her lap, looking for all intents and purposes like she was at home. Myka dropped her purse onto the table by the door, kicking off her heels in the process, all the while not letting her gaze drift from where Helena was sitting offering her a serene, contended smile. Myka gestured towards the book in her lap as she moved towards the couch, “Somehow I’m not surprised you managed to find something to keep you entertained.”

Helena chuckled and slowly gave in to the gentle pull of Myka’s hands against her ankles, stretching her legs out across Myka’s lap as she sat down next to her on the couch, “Yes, well,” she gestured to the bookcases around the room, “I had plenty of options.”

Myka laughed and ran a light hand up Helena’s calf, “And here I was worried that you’d spend all of your time up here snooping through my stuff.”

Helena waved a dismissive hand, “Oh I did that hours ago, darling. The reading has simply been my most recent choice of activity.”

“And have you discovered all of my hidden secrets? Has your hours of searching answered every single question you’ve ever had about me?”

Helena gave her a swift wink, “Not even close.”

Myka leaned her head back against the couch, “So, snooping aside, how has your evening been?”

Helena grabbed a stray piece of paper off of the coffee table and slid it into the book to mark her spot, “Just so you know I’m most likely stealing this from you.” 

Myka took a quick glance at the title, chuckled, and gave her small smile, “No problem. Somehow I think I’ll be able to find you if I fear you’ve stolen it for good.”

“That is true. Anyway, my evening has been good, short. I actually have only been up here for a half hour or so.”

“Very little time to snoop,” Myka mumbled under her breath with a smirk.

“Indeed,” Helena chuckled. “No, we just had quite a few things to discuss as a group to make sure we’re prepared for the next couple of weeks. Somehow, we’ve managed to book five shows over the next two weeks. Apparently, people have been calling Claudia non-stop.”

“I told you things were going to change quickly. There was no way after the performance you guys put on that people wouldn’t start clamoring for you left, right, and center.”

Helena sighed, “I simply hope we’re ready for that.”

Myka squeezed gently at her calf, “You will be. You’ll rehearse more, and eventually the shows will become a kind of rehearsal themselves. Soon it will all feel natural and it won’t feel so nerve-wracking and time-consuming, it will simply be what you do.”

“I just worry how we’ll manage all of it. I mean with Claudia’s schooling, and Pete and I’s jobs, plus the insane schedule Steve keeps with all of his yoga sessions.”

Myka reached over and linked her fingers with Helena’s hand where it was gesturing wildly, “Hey, breathe, you guys have plenty of time to figure that all out. Now is not the time to worry about it, and yes, eventually, you will all probably need to sit down and talk about your priorities, but for now, just enjoy this. _This_ is the fun part, trust me.”

Helena rolled her eyes and glanced back towards Myka’s hallway. She _had_ done some snooping, if trying to find the bathroom, and getting sidetracked by all the pictures lining the hallway, counted as snooping. She nodded her head back towards the hall, “And here I thought that all of _that_ was the fun part.”

Myka flushed slightly, “So you _did_ snoop.”

“If looking at the pictures you have hanging up in full view of anyone who walks down that hallway counts as snooping, then yes, I am woefully guilty.”

Myka chuckled and squeezed Helena’s hand, nerves creeping slowly into her veins. She hadn’t really thought about how Helena might feel seeing some of the things that she had up in her apartment, when she handed over her keys so unceremoniously. She glanced towards the hallway, inwardly groaning that she hadn’t been here to explain, “Does it bother you? That I have some of that stuff up?”

Helena unexpectedly burst out laughing and rolled her eyes, “Oh Sleepy, wow, no, just no, it does not at all. Myka, that was a huge part of your life, in many ways it still is, you have every right and reason to hold onto the good memories. Plus, I kind of enjoy getting little glimpses of that side of you. And honestly? If I had a gold record, it would be on full display for _everyone_ to see.”

Myka blushed, “It’s kind of embarrassing actually. I’ve debated taking it down, but I don’t know…”

“Myka, those are things to be proud of, the things you and Sam did, if you take away all the chaos and the issues, they’re things to remember.”

“I just feel like I should have prepped you that I still had a few pictures of him around.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Do you remember a few weeks ago when you told me that I thought I had the whole girlfriend thing confused? I think we’ve reversed positions there darling. It is _not_ my place to tell you what parts of your life you’re allowed to remember and celebrate. Stop worrying, please.”

Myka looked away from where Helena was staring at her so intently, so lovingly, “See, you keep saying things like that, and I’m just going to want to kiss you, and then I’ll completely forget why it is that you’re sitting in my apartment in the first place.”

Helena smirked, “Getting a little taste of your own medicine, then. Now you know what it feels like to deal with you and your never-ending deflections.”

“Touché Swagger. However, I would like to think I’m getting a little better with that.”

“A _little_ ,” Helena winked.

Myka smiled and lifted Helena’s legs off of her lap, “Ok, well, I’m going to let you deflect a little bit longer because I need to get out of these clothes and into something comfortable. However, when I’m done I fully intend on asking you about that song.” 

Myka walked over and placed a kiss against the top of Helena’s head, but before she could walk away Helena grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards the couch, pulled her so much that she landed fairly ungracefully into Helena’s lap. Helena brought a hand up and brushed it against Myka’s neck, eyes darkening, “How on earth am I supposed to just let you walk by like that, talking about getting out of your clothes, and not get distracted?”

Myka blushed and smirked, “I have no idea…”

Helena tugged her forward, lips moving with certainty against Myka’s, the hand against Myka’s neck moving around and back to tangle in the curls at the nape of her neck, scratching lightly, encouraging a small moan from the back of Myka’s throat. Helena’s eyes rolled back behind her closed lids, as the vibrations from Myka’s moan moved along her tongue. Unwillingly, she pulled back with a groan, “Ok, you need to go change, because if you don’t, there will be a distinct _lack_ of talking this evening.”

Myka shifted and placed a small kiss along the back of Helena’s jaw, “Right now, part of me really wants to ask why that would be a bad thing.” She moved further and whispered a kiss against Helena’s ear, “However, we do need to talk, so I will go change, but one of these times Swagger, we’re both going to find that we’re really, really done with all the _talking_.” She pressed another kiss to the juncture between Helena’s jaw and her ear, then quickly extracted herself from Helena’s lap, though not quick enough to miss the shiver that moved through Helena’s body at her words. 

She wandered down the hall to her room, giving a passing glance to the pictures on the wall. Amanda’s words from earlier in the evening echoing through her brain as she took in one of the pictures of her and Sam; she had to deal with being afraid of happiness, of being afraid of loss. Sam would have wanted her to find happiness, and he would have hated that because of him she kept herself from being with someone who truly made her happy. She sighed and glanced back towards the living room; if there was anyone who was worth dealing with her issues for, it was that woman sitting out there, she was worth just about everything and anything Myka could think of.

Newly and comfortably dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, Myka ran a hand down the back of Helena’s head as she came back into the living room, “Do you want some wine?”

Helena leaned back into the touch, “That would be lovely.”

Myka quickly went to the kitchen and poured two glasses, taking a deep breath as she reentered the living room. Helena had patiently listened to her when she needed to talk, it was time for her to return the favor, and deal with whatever it was that Helena needed to tell her, calmly. She handed Helena a glass, then settled into the opposite corner of the couch, Helena pulling her legs from underneath her and letting her stretch them out across her lap. 

Myka took a slow sip of her wine, as she watched Helena take a deep breath, both of them steeling themselves for whatever was about to begin. Helena twirled her glass in her hands and began to speak, but her voice wasn’t hesitant or unsure or nervous even, she seemed calm, sure, _ready_ , “You should know there was a reason that I went home for Christmas.”

Myka nodded, “I figured there was.”

“I went home because I needed to make my peace with what happened to me before I left. I needed to come to terms with it, so that I could finally, truly allow myself to move forward. I’ve told you before that I left London because I didn’t feel that I had anything left for me there. That wasn’t always the case. In actuality, for a very long time I was quite content in England, and I thought that I would build my life there, the life I thought I wanted. While what I told you about finding my passion for music while I was at Oxford was true, it didn’t exactly move as quickly as I might have indicated. I mean, yes, I did sing with a couple of bands here and there, but when I graduated from Oxford, I didn’t jump right into music, at least not at first.”

Myka wasn’t sure if she should interject or just let Helena keep talking, but she couldn’t keep her questions at bay, “So what did you do when you graduated?”

Helena gave a soft smile, “I went to work at an architecture firm. One of my father’s friends from college owned one of the most successful firms in London, and they were in need of a new civil engineer, the timing worked and I was a good fit for their needs, so I started there almost immediately after graduation.”

“Were you happy?”

Helena paused and thought for a few moments, “In some ways, I was. I enjoyed the work, it felt like it was worthwhile, and there was always a tinge of hope that our projects would someday make a difference in the city. However, the longer I worked there, the more I realized that my father’s choice of friends wasn’t particularly impressive. Mr. Macpherson had a propensity to hire obnoxious, misogynistic imbeciles, which made life _trying_ for the few women who actually worked at the firm. Eventually, I had decided that I needed to explore different options. I had told myself that with the new year would come a new job, because I simply could not handle the atmosphere anymore.”

Myka eyed Helena carefully, “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming at some point…”

Helena chuckled, “Indeed. Instead of simply quitting when I realized how unhappy I had become, I told myself I would stay through the rest of the year. It was December anyway, so why not hold out a few more weeks? Because of that, I found myself still required to attend the annual holiday party that year. To make a long story, a little bit shorter, I ended up spending a great deal of the party with one of the newer young men hired at the firm. He was nice, quite unlike the others that Macpherson had hired, and well, I ended up going home with him. One thing led to another as it were, and several weeks, a resignation letter, and an empty office later, I found myself pregnant.”

Myka’s jaw dropped, she couldn’t help it. In all the hours that she had spent wondering about just what exactly had happened to Helena _this_ was never something that had crossed her mind. Suddenly, the wheels of her mind were turning, because clearly Helena had come to Colorado distinctly _without_ a child, and this realization left her stomach twisting in a way that made her set her wine down and not touch it again the rest of the night. 

Helena’s lips quirked in a small half-smile, and linked their fingers together, “I realize, darling, that none of this is probably what you imagined me saying this evening. I must confess that is part of why I am usually so hesitant to talk about any of this, it usually ends up leaving people more shocked than anything.”

Myka gave a quick shake of her head and squeezed Helena’s hand, “No, no I’m good. Keep going, please, I’m just trying to process. When…when was this?”

“Three years ago?” Helena mentally did the math, “Yes, it would have been January 2008 that I found out.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, at first I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I had, of course, at various points, pondered the idea of children, but to have it happen like that, so unexpectedly and with someone that I really had nothing more than passing feelings for, well, it made things complicated. Naturally, I told Tyler about it, but the reality is, he was young, far too young, just out of college, and I had no intention of forcing him into anything, and he wasn’t inclined to push. He made a few passing comments about whether I was sure I wanted to keep it, whether I wanted him involved, but ultimately what it came down to was he had no desire to be a father, I had no desire to be with him, but I wasn’t giving up my child. We left it at that, I would keep the baby and handle everything on my own.”

Myka wanted to say something, anything, but she couldn’t find the words to describe how in awe she was of this woman. This woman who again and again showed how strong she was, how independent and certain of herself. Finally, she simply said the first thing that came to her mind, “I can’t imagine trying to do that by myself.”

Helena gave a small sigh, “I will not lie and say it was easy. As you can imagine, my parents were rather _unimpressed_ with the turn my life had taken. They weren’t overly supportive of my decision to keep the baby if Tyler wasn’t going to be in the picture. They tend to be a bit traditional that way, and things became quite strained. We didn’t speak for a long time, but my brother…well, Charles was about as incredible as one could be. He and Shelby helped me find a bigger place to live, helped me find the right doctors, they were supportive and made sure I had everything I needed. I found another job, one that was wonderfully flexible with my situation, and slowly but surely things started to come together. I realized that more than anything I wanted to be a mother. It might not have happened the way I had originally envisioned, but I was happy it had. Things progressed smoothly. Charles, Shelby, and I spent hours putting together a nursery. We painted and bought furniture, Shelby and I shopped much more than necessary, but it was exciting. I learned I was going to have a little girl, and it just felt _right_. I felt like my life was taking a turn it was supposed to take, and I was quite content to surround myself with motherhood and all that came with it.” 

Myka’s chest tightened as Helena’s voice started to crack. Myka recognized the look on Helena’s face; it was how she herself had looked so often in those days immediately after Sam had died, and in that moment Myka _knew_ , knew that Helena understood what it felt like to have your life completely stall, stop, and have to restart in a way you never anticipated. She linked their fingers tighter, and stretched her legs so that she hooked her feet slightly around Helena’s waist, holding her in whatever way she could.

Helena turned shining eyes to her and through a stuttering breath, kept talking, “The doctor’s in the end were never able to tell me precisely what happened, whether it was something genetic, if it was some sort of anomaly, if it was an accident, honestly I didn’t really want to know. All I knew was that one day I was pregnant, and the next I wasn’t. I was supposed to be ‘safe’ as it were, I was in my seventh month, things were fine, but then, everything fell apart. I ended up needing surgery, there were complications, and well, apparently, motherhood was never meant to be my fate.”

Myka’s eyes widened, heartbroken, shaken, unnerved, “You can’t have kids?”

Tears streaked slowly down Helena’s cheeks, “No darling, I can’t.”

“Oh Helena…” Myka finally reached forward and pulled Helena towards her, wrapping her arms around her waist, feeling Helena’s tears seep into her shirt where her head laid on her shoulder. Myka ran a hand down the back of Helena’s head, “I am so, so sorry.”

Helena took a deep, shaky breath, unfolding herself from Myka’s arms, wiping at her cheeks lightly, “Nothing to apologize for love. For a very, very long time I couldn’t bring myself to come to terms with it, however, now…well, now it is simply a part of who I am. I have accepted it, it’s just talking about it…it’s not always easy.”

Myka reached up and wiped a few stray tears from Helena’s cheeks, “I can’t even imagine. Is that…is that why you left home?”

Helena leaned back into her corner of the couch, reaching for her wine and taking a long sip. She rejoined her fingers with Myka’s and continued, “Yes, it is. Afterwards, well, things deteriorated quickly. I left my job, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. My family was desperate for me to stay, they wanted to help. My parents rallied after everything happened, but I wasn’t really in a place to make amends. Charles begged me not to leave, but I knew I needed a change. The life I had envisioned for myself in London wasn’t possible anymore, and I knew if I had any hope of moving on, I needed to do it somewhere new. In the end, music was truly what saved me. It was in those few months before I left that I realized how much I loved that part of my life, and how much I wanted to make that my life. It gave me a new goal, something to work towards, to feel a passion about.”

“So you moved to New York…”

She nodded her head, “Indeed. I moved there that summer, and it was the breath of fresh air that I needed. I found a band to sing in. I got help for myself. I started running more. My life in New York helped me realize that I didn’t want my pain dictating the rest of my life.”

Myka felt a pang in her chest at that statement, knowing how much she had lived like that. Her pain driving all of her choices, her entire life in some ways. Helena must have realized Myka’s thoughts, because she was tightening her hold on her hand, and giving her a soft look, a sympathetic look that said she understood. Myka didn’t say anything, just let Helena keep talking.

“While I didn’t necessarily enjoy living in the city, it helped being surrounded by so many people trying to live their lives as best they could. I had friends who were struggling, who had gone through worse than I had, and watching them, helping them, in turn it helped me heal. Writing helped a lot too. That’s truly when I started writing actually, it became an outlet for the things I wasn’t able to say out loud. I found myself in New York, the new version of myself I suppose.”

Helena spoke so affectionately of her life in the city. It made Myka not quite understand how she had found herself in Colorado, “Why did you move then? If things in New York were going so well, why did you leave?”

Helena took a deep breath, “And so we reach the final chapter of my little tale. In some ways, this feels more difficult to explain, or maybe it’s just harder to say it to you, I don’t know.” Myka arched an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Helena sighed, “I was with someone, for awhile, in the city. His name was Nate. He owned one of the clubs that the band I was in played at frequently. We hit it off quite well at first, and, maybe because I was still healing, looking to fill a void, things moved rather quickly, _too quickly_. Suddenly, I was living with him and his daughter. His wife had left him and he was lonely. I was clearly still dealing with my own issues, and the idea of a life with him, particularly a life with a child, I allowed myself to get in far deeper than I should have considering that I realized very quickly that my feelings for him were extremely artificial. His daughter, Adelaide, she presented me with the option to have the life I wanted and didn’t think I would have the chance to ever have again. So I ignored the fact that I didn’t love him, and that he clearly didn’t love me, and we tried to make it work.”

“Did he know? About the baby? About London?”

Helena shook her head sadly, “No. I never felt comfortable telling him, and knowing that it was so much a part of why I was with him, I never felt that I _could_ tell him. However, these things have a way of coming out regardless of what you want. This past summer, Charles came to visit, and well he accidentally said the wrong thing and suddenly everything was just out in the open. Naturally, Nate reacted poorly. He accused me of being with him because of Adelaide, and he was hurt I never told him I couldn’t have kids. You can imagine it ended quickly after that. Charles tried to persuade me to come home, that enough time had passed, that I had healed enough to try and make it work, but I knew I couldn’t, that being there would be a step backwards, so I decided to come here. I wanted to live in a city where I could devote myself to finding the right kind of music and simply be happy. Leaving New York made me realize that I _had_ healed in many ways, that I was ready to be happy, to live my life in a way I wanted, hopefully without too much of the pain and the baggage. I told myself when I moved that I would leave all of that in the city, and start fresh here, and I would like to think that I have. However, _some_ of my plans for my life went a bit off the rails…” Helena arched an eyebrow Myka’s way.

Myka smirked slightly, “Such as?”

“I had told myself that maybe it was better, easier, to be alone, considering everything I had gone through. Everything that happened with Nate, despite not loving him, it left scars. It made me hesitant to share, to talk about my old life. Seeing how poorly he reacted, it made me think maybe that’s how everyone would react. Realizing that this man who I had lived with for months didn’t actually love me, _couldn’t_ love me once he found out everything, well, it made me wonder if anyone would ever actually want to be with me. So I figured life here might be solitary, but if I had my music and if I found a group of friends I hoped I would be ok. I had everything planned out…and then…and then you happened. I walked in that night and all of my careful planning sort of went out the window.”

Myka gave a soft chuckle, “It would seem that we both upended each other’s ideas of how things should work out.”

“As I have told you…you were not what I expected, Myka.”

“Believe me, the last thing I ever expected to happen to me was you. It is very possible that we are far too similar, Helena, because the things you said, about thinking you were better off alone, wondering if someone could want you, it’s like you took those words right out of my mouth. I have said those things to Pete before. Hell, I said variations of those things to Amanda tonight.”

“Do you still think it would be easier to be alone?”

Myka sighed, “I don’t know. Honestly? Maybe it would be easier, however, if someone were to ask me if that’s what I _wanted_ anymore…then it would be a completely different answer. On that account, you have completely changed my mind Helena.”

“If you didn’t notice from the song I sang tonight, you have done quite the same thing for me darling.”

Myka gave an exasperated laugh, “That song. God, Helena, those words, they are so much of how I _wish_ I was able to live. I mean deep down I knew you had stuff, that you had pain, but so much of the time you seem so put together, so grounded, so… _ok_. Hearing you sing tonight, sing about hope and moving forward, I realized that that’s why you appear that way, and a lot of the time I don’t, because far, far too often, hope is the thing I don’t feel I have.”

“As I said, I wasn’t always like that, but those few months between when Nate and I broke up and moving here, they gave me a chance to figure out the kind of life I wanted, and sure there are some days when the pain _is_ too much, but most of the time, I remind myself that I have an entire life in front of me that can be filled with hope and that can be happy. I must admit, meeting you only made me want to live that way more. _You_ are my spark Myka. You have made my worst days since I have been here seem better, because you, the idea of you, of us, it gave me hope, it kept me going.”

Myka swiped furiously at the tears on her cheeks, “I wish, God, I wish I had even an ounce of that.”

“Darling you do. You just aren’t able to see it yet, but you do. You know, when I was writing that song, I realized that in many ways, you are that spark, not just for me, but for all of us. The ways you have been there for Pete and for Claudia, the way all of you have been there for Steve. You all give each other hope, having each other has made all of you stronger. Having the four of you in my life, that has made all the difference, even in the short amount of time I have been there. In so many ways, that song is all of us, we are what keep each other going.”

“That line you wrote, about feeling the pain, but not being afraid of hurting anymore. That slayed me Helena. I mean the _power_ , the _hope_ , behind a line like that…it made me realize how very lucky I am that you are in my life.”

“It took a very long time for me to realize that a life lived in fear of getting hurt ends up not being very much of a life at all.”

Myka gave a soft, self-deprecating laugh, “Yeah, I know, believe me.”

Helena reached for Myka’s other hand and gripped it tightly, “Myka…I am not going anywhere, and I realize that that is not a guarantee that somewhere along the line I won’t end up hurting you, however, I’m unwilling to let that prospect keep us from being together.”

“I know. I _know_ that Helena, deep down, I really do. It’s just…it’s going to…”

“Take some time, I know. That is precisely why we both agreed to take this slowly.”

Myka sighed, her tears reflecting in the lamplight, “I just don’t want to hurt you, Helena.”

“So you have said on multiple occasions.” Helena took a deep breath, “Can I ask you something?”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth hesitantly, “Sure?”

“Why exactly is that what you’re always so focused on? You seem so certain that you’re going to hurt me rather than the other way around. Why is that?”

Myka let out a long, deep sigh, “Because…everyone I’ve been with since Sam…that’s all I have ever done.”

“Myka we have all hurt people. As flawed as our relationship was, I am painfully aware of the amount of pain I caused Nate, _and_ Adelaide. We have all been there. Though I am not necessarily pleased to admit it, in those months between Nate and moving, I may have broken a few hearts in a rather haphazard manner. It happens Myka, but it shouldn’t keep you from being happy.”

“I guess we both meant it when we said our track records were rather poor.”

Helena chuckled, “Indeed, but that doesn’t mean that this, _us_ , has to be that way. We can be the exception to that rule darling.”

“I really, really want that to be the case.”

Helena took a small sip of her wine, “Would it be awful of me to ask about the people since Sam?”

Myka worried her bottom lip more, “No, it wouldn’t. Might as well just get it all out on the table right?”

Helena chuckled, “It might be the easiest solution. It could keep us from all of these excruciatingly long talks, and allow a bit more time, for well, all the not talking, and the simply talking about things that don’t cause one or _both_ of us to end up in tears.”

Myka laughed and pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes, “Ugh, yes, that is most definitely true. Ok, the other people. There haven’t been many.” She held up her fingers, “Two actually, both in rather quick succession, both equally disastrous. The first was Kurt. It was maybe six months after Sam, and I knew I was rushing, but I just felt this _pressure_ to get out there or something. He had been one of our crew guys, so I’d known him for awhile, we were friends, he was nice, but it was just way too much, way too fast. He wasn’t very supportive or considerate of what had happened. He seemed to think he could just screw me out of my pain, that somehow that would help me move on. Needless to say, that lasted all of about a month and I was done.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “He sounds positively _lovely_.”

“Oh yeah, real charmer, trust me.”

“That doesn’t exactly sound like a situation where you hurt him though…”

Myka sighed, “Not really, but I still felt like I did. He still acted like I had hurt him when I broke it off. However, the pain that stuck? That came later. You remember me mentioning Abigail?”

“Your manager?”

“Yeah, well, we had stayed in touch after Sam, I mean we were always close, she kept my head on straight most of the time, and after everything happened, she was there, and supportive, and wonderful. A couple of years ago, she finally ended up telling me that from very early on, she had had feelings for me. I thought I was in a better place, and I knew I cared about her, and so we…tried. It was ok for awhile, but in the end, I knew she felt way more for me than I did for her. I realized it was mostly about our friendship for me, while she…well, she seemed to love me, had loved me for a long time. In the end, there was so much baggage from everything we’d gone through together, and she was always so _careful_ around me, like she was worried she would do the wrong thing. I ended it, and I didn’t exactly do a great job with it. She was really, really upset, and even though we’ve still kind of tried to keep some sort of friendship alive, it’s been hard. I know how badly I hurt her, I feel it every time I see her, and I just…I never want to do that to you, to anyone honestly, but especially to you.”

Helena let out a deep breath, “The two of us are quite the pair aren’t we?”

Myka laughed harder than she expected to given the situation, “Oh God, yeah I think we are.”

“So what do we do about that?”

Myka sighed, “I think we do what you’re so clearly good at, we hope. We hope that this thing that we have, this thing that for me is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, is the thing we were always meant to have. That this, us, is the happiness we’ve both been looking for for far too long.”

“You, Myka Bering, though you might not believe it, have a hopeful soul.”

Myka smiled softly, “Maybe only when it comes to you…”

“I’ll take whatever I can get.”

Myka sank back into the couch cushions, thinking, processing, trying to figure out how to handle all the information that had just passed between the two of them. She ran a light finger over Helena’s palm, “I am so, so sorry Swagger, that you have been through this terrible thing, and I hope you know that if one of those dark days happens again, you can talk to me, I will do whatever I can…”

“Thank you darling, and I do know that. If I didn’t, I’m not sure I would have had the courage to tell you everything I have.”

“I can’t tell you what it means to me that you would trust me with all of this, that you feel safe enough, comfortable enough to tell me.”

“I wanted you to know.” 

Myka sat up hooking her legs once again around Helena’s waist, “So, what now? Now that we’ve both got all of our cards on the table?”

Helena ran her hands lightly up and down Myka’s thighs, “Now, I believe we figure out when I can take you out next, and we seek to be normal people.”

Myka laughed and pressed a light kiss to Helena’s lips, “Normal is highly overrated.”

“That is very true. Well then, I will simply settle for our next date.”

“Sounds good to me.” Myka glanced down at her watch, and tucked Helena’s hair back behind her ear, “It’s late…do you want to stay?”

Helena squeezed Myka’s knees, “I do, you _know_ I do. However, I am going to go home. I’m meeting Claudia at a woefully early hour to strategize a website apparently, and I still believe it would be best to keep the temptation of staying to as much of a dull roar as we can.”

“Always so noble,” Myka winked.

“Honestly you should probably let me up before I remember that I am in fact _not_ this noble.”

Myka screwed up her face in a look of mock concentration, “Let you get up, let you get up, hmmm…”

“Myka…”

“Fine, on one condition.” Helena just arched an incredulous eyebrow and waited. Myka’s face softened, “Kiss me.”

Helena smirked, “Now that is a condition I will always accept.” She pulled slightly at Myka’s thighs, encouraging her to move closer. She traced a light hand up her neck, and kissed her with as much intensity and feeling as she could. She wanted Myka to _feel_ , to _know_ , how much tonight had meant to her, because she knew there was no possible way to tell her with words alone.

**

“Can I just state that planning dates in the middle of the winter with a woman who has basically done everything there is to do within a fifty mile radius of this town is extremely vexing?” Helena glanced over at Myka where she was trying desperately to stifle a laugh from the passenger seat. “Are you seriously laughing at me right now?”

A laugh much louder than necessary spilled out of Myka’s mouth, her features trying their best to settle into something akin to sympathy, “I’m sorry, I really, really am, but you just look so…frustrated right now, it’s kind of adorable.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Myka Bering, I swear do not tempt me to turn this car around and take you back to your apartment.”

Myka coughed back another laugh, “Ok, I’m sorry. And honestly, Helena, we can do whatever you want. I’m good, I’m with you, therefore, all is good in my world.”

Helena smiled, then grimaced slightly, “True as that may be, it does not stop me from wanting to at least seek to make some things memorable.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one who is insufferable? Isn’t that how this relationship works?”

“Apparently not today. Today that distinction appears to be all mine.” 

“Well then, my dear insufferable Swagger, where are you taking me?” Myka laid her hand against Helena’s where it rested along the center console, enjoying the feeling of Helena’s muscles relaxing underneath her touch. 

Helena’s real, full smile finally returned, and she shifted her hand underneath Myka’s so that her palm was now resting in Myka’s, “It would seem that _somehow_ you have endeared me to this infernal weather. Therefore…” Helena turned down the lane that led to the park, pointing a finger towards the large, improvised skating rink in the center.

Myka turned to her, eyes lit with a mixture of playfulness and contentment, “No way. You said you hated ice skating.”

“I am willing to give it another go, since you apparently have a fondness for it.” When they parked, Myka practically bounded out of the car, tucking a quick hand into Helena’s and pulling her towards the rink. Helena chuckled, calling out, “Why do I have the feeling I’m getting a glimpse of what you looked like when you were five years old?”

Myka just rolled her eyes and pulled her into the line to get their skates. When they both had appropriate skates in hand, Myka led them to a tiny bench and began lacing her own pair onto her feet. She side-eyed Helena who was tugging a little too hard to get her own on, “When was the last time you actually skated?”

Helena mumbled under her breath, “At least twenty years ago.”

“Oh my God, one of us is going to end up in the hospital by the end of this date. Here,” Myka set her skates to the side, and knelt down in the snow in front of Helena, loosening the laces of her skates, and easing them onto her feet. She looped the laces around the back of the skates, pulling slightly to tighten them, tying them securely and surely around Helena’s inevitably wobbly ankles. Myka ran light hands up Helena’s calves and back down to Helena’s feet, bending and turning them slightly to get her used to the feel of them, “Do they feel alright?”

Helena fought back a blush, Myka’s hands sending heat through her jeans and onto her skin. She cleared her throat subtly, “Yes, darling, quite alright. Thank you.”

Myka hid her smirk into her shoulder, and sat back down to put her own skates on. Helena rolled her eyes at the quick work Myka made of her own skates, “Why did I not consider how embarrassing this was going to be for me before I planned this date?”

“Most likely because you were too focused on the fact that you knew how much I would love this. Plus, I can imagine it didn’t hurt thinking about how much your shaky ankles would result in me holding onto you to keep you upright.” Myka pecked a small kiss onto Helena’s cheek, then balanced herself to stand up and held her hands out to Helena, “Come on Swagger, up you go.”

Helena stood hesitantly, hands clasped tightly around Myka’s. Myka shifted and placed steadying hands against her hips, “Stop looking so nervous. You’re going to be fine. I’ve got you.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You will have me until my ass is on that ice.”

Myka kissed her softly, “I give you full permission to take me down with you. I’ll even try to break your fall, if necessary.”

Helena gave her an incredulous glare, “You’re winding me up in order to make me determined not to fall.”

“ _Maybe…_ ”

“Challenge accepted darling.”

Myka chuckled, “Oh Swagger you are far, far too easy…”

Helena gave her a sidelong glance as she determinedly took steps on her own towards the ice, “Do not tempt me to prove you wrong on that account Sleepy. You might not like the consequences.” Myka blushed fast and hot, while simultaneously choking around the next breath she had been attempting to take. A cough raked through her throat, her mind suddenly a flood of images that would be distinctly unhelpful in maneuvering her feet around a slippery surface with only the tiniest sliver of metal to keep her upright. Helena peered over her shoulder, the very image of innocence, “Darling? Are you quite alright?”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, “Yeah…yeah I’m right behind you.” She sped up her steps as best she could on her skates, and as she pulled up even with Helena by the entrance to the ice, she slipped a small kiss against her ear, whispering, “You are positively evil.”

Helena just shrugged her shoulders and slipped her hand into Myka’s, “Well, are we just going to stand here or are we going to skate?”

Myka let out an exasperated groan, all the while squeezing Helena’s hand, and shooting her a quick wink, “Come on you. Let’s get you on the ice.” Myka released Helena’s hand and stepped carefully down onto the surface, making sure she herself was steady, then held her hand back out to Helena, helping her find her own footing. It took a couple of very shaky, very slow laps, but Helena eventually found her own pace and her hold on Myka’s hand became less of a vice grip and more of an assured clasp. 

Eventually, out of nowhere, Helena started laughing. Myka looked at her curiously, “Do I even want to know? Have you finally lost it? Has my deep level of crazy finally sunk in and infected you?”

This only made Helena laugh more, struggling to form words, “No, darling. Though, come to think of it, possibly. I was just thinking that I have no idea how on earth you have actually enamored me to _winter_.”

Myka angled herself around so she was facing Helena, slowly, carefully skating backwards, their hands entwined between them, “Hmm…my charm? My stunning good looks? The fact that I simply keep dragging you out in the snow? Therefore, my sheer, determined force of will?”

Helena rolled her eyes around a chuckle, “First of all, you’re a show off. Second, I believe all of those are very plausible explanations.”

“Oh come on, am I not allowed one moment of swagger myself?”

“ _Never_ , darling. Not to mention the fact that you are making me unbelievably nervous doing that.”

Myka just shook her head and slowly adjusted her angle back to Helena’s side, “So winter has finally rubbed off on you, huh?”

“As I said, I believe _you_ have rubbed off on me. That does not mean, however, that I am not desperately looking forward to taking you out in, you know, sunshine.”

“I thought you English were only happy when it was dreary and raining. Here I was anticipating tons of dates underneath umbrellas.”

“Oh yes, it is part of my DNA to only be able to function on the most horrendous of rainy days. You truly have not seen my true self darling until you have seen me in the rain.” Helena shook her head with a faux scoff, “ _Americans._ ”

“I know…we’re absolutely insufferable. However, I will tell you that I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for my winter love infecting you, since, though I am _loathe_ to admit it…I ordered tea this morning when I went out for coffee.”

A full laugh left Helena’s lungs, “How are we still standing then? I figured the world would have to be ending for that to happen. Myka Bering choosing tea over her morning coffee, surely a sign of the apocalypse.”

“It must be impending any day now…”

“Am I truly that awful of an influence? Able to encourage and incite world-ending incidents?”

Myka slowed her skates and once again looped around to face Helena, this time pulling her tightly towards her, and over towards one of the walls. Myka leaned back against it, and leaned down to press a kiss to Helena’s lips, their height difference even more exaggerated in skates making the angle difficult, but Myka was undeterred. She pulled away with a soft sigh, “The absolute _worst_ influence.”

Helena blushed around a smirk, “You may need to stop associating with me then darling…”

Myka brushed a light kiss along Helena’s jaw line, whispering, “I’m willing to take the risk.”

“I shall try to be less corrupting then…clearly it’s the least I can do.”

Another kiss placed just below Helena’s ear, “Don’t you dare do that. I quite enjoy your corrupting nature.”

Helena chuckled against Myka’s shoulder, “Noted. I must say though, if you have any intention of making sure that I do not fall on this godforsaken ice, you will at some point have to stop what you’re doing. You clearly have far more faith in my knees’ strength then I do.”

Another kiss to the tip of Helena’s earlobe, “The swagger-filled Helena Wells confessing to knee-buckling, it’s official, the world is coming to an end.” Myka stood back up fully, brushing Helena’s hair behind her ear, “If your knees are in such danger, how about we get you out of these skates then?”

“And then what do you propose we do?”

Myka smirked and skated towards the exit, pulling Helena along behind her. She glanced over her shoulder, “This was your date to plan Swagger, you tell me.”

**

“Would you care to tell me when I might possibly get feeling back in my legs?” Despite the snow on the ground, the weather was unusually warm for January, so Helena had suggested a walk through park, before they went back to the car. 

Myka stifled a laugh at Helena’s inability to walk properly after taking her skates off, “Do you need me to carry you?”

“Do _not_ tempt me.”

Myka freed her hand from Helena’s and looped it around her waist, pulling her in tightly to her side, “I will remind you that this was completely and totally your idea. However, give it a few more minutes, and you’ll be good.”

Helena sighed and leaned into Myka’s hold, resting her head briefly on Myka’s shoulder, reveling in how quick Myka was to turn and press a kiss against her head. She leaned up and pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “The things I do for you…”

Myka smirked and halted her steps, wrapping both arms around Helena’s waist, “And I am _desperately_ appreciative.” 

Helena toyed with the ends of Myka’s curls where they peeked out from under her hat, “How appreciative?”

Myka just rolled her eyes and lowered her lips to Helena’s, parting them slowly and easily. Helena traced a soft pattern against Myka’s lower lip, and it was enough to make Myka wonder about the security of her own knees, about her own ability to walk straight. Somehow, despite being the one to initiate the kiss, she was the one getting turned completely inside out by it. A passing thought filtered through her mind that she had no idea how Helena did these things to her, yet she found she didn’t care as long as it never stopped. Too soon, Helena pulled away, barely, “See? You do things like that, how can I not love the snow?”

Myka chuckled, “At last you have finally figured out my grand scheme…kissing you into submitting to winter.”

“You and your scheming… _speaking of which_ , Pete mentioned something to me about Claudia’s birthday. He said to talk to you about it.”

A glint came into Myka’s eye and she resumed walking, Helena’s hand tucked tightly into her own, “Right, yes, Claud’s birthday. It’s always kind of big deal for the four of us, and this year it is my turn to plan. We tend to rotate it to keep her on her toes.”

Helena shook her head in amazement, “The things you four do for each other.”

“We’re family, it’s what we do. Especially for Claudia. Her birthday used to be a bit of a sore spot, I mean considering everything with her parents, and then Joshua living so far away, and Claire isn’t really around much. It used to leave her a bit depressed, but we eventually decided to take matters into our own hands, make a whole day of it, make it fun for her.”

“So what do you have planned for the big day?”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, a nervous look sneaking into her eyes, “I feel kind of embarrassed about it actually, but I called in a few favors, and well, I managed to convince Cherie Currie to put in a little face time at the Regents…”

Helena’s jaw dropped, “Cherie Currie as in The Runaways Cherie Currie? As in Claudia’s idol?”

Myka sighed, “It’s too much isn’t it? It’s like completely crazy and way, way too much.”

Helena laughed, “No! Ok, only you would somehow turn an incredible thing into something you should apologize for and worry about. Myka, Claudia is going to love it. She might faint at some point, but once she wakes up, she will love it. How on earth did you manage that?”

“Well, obviously being in the business, Jack and Rebecca know a few people, so I called them, and asked if they could pull some strings. They did, then I did, and voila, birthday planned.”

“You are something else, Myka Bering, that’s all I’m going to say.”

“Well then, I clearly should get you out of the cold if it’s inhibiting your ability to speak.”

Helena just shook her head and turned their feet towards where her car was parked, “Insufferable. However, I am cold, and I wouldn’t mind spending at least part of the day with you where no part of me is slightly numb.”

“You’re going to be a completely different person when Spring comes aren’t you? I’m not going to know what to do with myself when you are not constantly freezing.”

“I swear one of these days you’re going to tease me so mercilessly that I will simply end our date early, and take you home.”

Myka rolled her eyes and tightened her arm around Helena’s waist, pressing a kiss to her temple, “I’ll believe _that_ when I see it.”

**

It is a week before Claudia’s birthday, and Myka is moving aimlessly, distractedly around Helena’s kitchen, all the while claiming she will help Helena with dinner, but simply accomplishing nothing but always, _always_ being in the place Helena needs her to not be at that precise moment. 

Finally, when it’s a choice between encouraging Myka for a fourth time to a different corner of the room or simply forcing her to _stop moving_ , Helena goes with the latter option. Hands lightly grip around Myka’s hips, a cold palm resting against warm, flushed skin, where Myka’s shirt has haphazardly risen in all of her _moving_. Myka sucks in a tight breath at the sensation, but whether it’s from the cold or from the contact she couldn’t quite say. Helena moves her slowly backwards, until the small of her back hits the counter, whispering in a voice that is just this side of controlled, “I would much prefer to not end up accidentally murdering you this evening when one of these times you run into me with the wrong item in my hands. Therefore, for the love of all that is holy, _stay still_.” The last words come out as a whisper against Myka’s lips, and she’s not sure how this innocent action of trying to get Myka out of her way has turned into this very _not_ innocent action of having her backed up against the counter, their bodies completely flushed against each other, and a flash of color rising into Myka’s cheeks as Helena’s fingers grip ever slightly _tighter_ around her hips. Myka’s eyes closed barely, and Helena couldn’t stop herself from pushing up on her toes and pressing insistent lips against Myka’s. The noise that escapes Myka’s throat at the contact, at the surprise of that contact, is enough to make Helena want to very much forget about dinner, and when Myka’s hands slide almost _too_ gently up the skin of her neck, lips opening desperately to her, Helena is certain she would let the entire kitchen go up in flames if given the option. Helena _knows_ she should stop, but what she knows and what she _wants_ are two entirely different things, and she can’t quite resist the temptation of slipping both hands fully underneath the clingy fabric of Myka’s shirt, letting her palms rest against the swell of her ribs, fingers dancing lightly along the muscles of her back. Myka actively, torturously arches into the contact, and it is only _that_ movement, the noise that accompanies that movement, the tightening grip of Myka’s fingers against her pulse along with that movement, that causes Helena to sigh and to slowly, unwillingly, stop. Her hands sliding gracelessly back down to Myka’s hips, against fabric rather than skin. Myka sighs shakily as Helena’s lips leave her own, Helena’s forehead resting lightly against her own, Helena’s words coming in ghostly breaths across her skin, “As much as I want to do that, I also want to finish making you dinner…”

Myka chuckled softly, her breath skating across Helena’s lips, “ _Without_ murdering me.”

Helena nodded slowly, “That would be preferable. I couldn’t possibly eat all of this food by myself, and I really, _really_ don’t want to have to tell Pete that I accidentally stabbed you because you wouldn’t stop fidgeting around my kitchen.”

“Yes, _clearly_ those would be the worst possible outcomes of that situation for you.” Helena laughed and finally barely pulled away, as Myka pushed herself up onto the counter, “Well, since it seems best for my health, I will simply sit here and be completely unhelpful.” Helena pinched at the back of Myka’s knee, and turned to resume what she had been doing before their _interruption_ , but then Myka was gripping against her wrist, and tugging her back so that she was now occupying the space between Myka’s legs, Myka’s knees bracketing her body. Their height difference was more exaggerated than was comfortable, but Myka leaned down as best she could to tangle her hands in Helena’s hair and kiss her again. 

Helena sighed against her lips, “You’re trying to distract me…”

“Guilty as charged. Maybe you need to stop being so distracting.”

Helena arched a playful eyebrow, “And your suggestions for how I go about that are what exactly?”

“No idea.”

“Well then, you are woefully out of luck and will simply have to ignore my distraction.”

Myka laughed and let Helena move away, offering a small kick to her ass as she turned back towards the stove, all the while knowing, feeling, _worrying_ that she was coming desperately, desperately close to no longer being able to ignore Helena’s _distraction_.

**

It is four days before Claudia’s birthday, and Myka finds herself in the now very common position of watching Helena slide and stalk across the stage of one of the many clubs that are now _begging_ for the band’s presence. It’s becoming more and more common for these shows to feel just this side of out of control, because now people know who they are and people are excited and rambunctious and are out of nowhere singing their songs back at them, and Myka can tell that all four of them feel slightly overwhelmed but mostly intoxicated by the whole experience. It’s also becoming more and more common for Myka to wind up feeling like a knotted up bundle of _desire_ by the end of these shows, because Helena is unearthly when she is on stage, she is all swagger and completely lousy with sex appeal, and it makes Myka unable to do anything but watch with heat coursing through her veins, waiting with bated breath for that inevitable moment when they all emerge from backstage and Helena is immediately in her arms, breathing heavily and happily against her skin, lips wanting nothing more than to be against Myka’s. Inevitably, Myka finds herself half-judging herself for being such a slave to her blatant _want_ , while at the same time she doesn’t know how anyone could look at Helena and not be completely lost in desperation for her. Yes, in so many ways this night is so very like every other night lately. With Amanda’s coy, side comments about Myka needing to just _get on with it_ already, and with Liam and Todd casually acting as though they haven’t heard a word that is said, but with Liam never failing to give Myka a quick wink whenever they are all departing each other’s company for the evening, when Myka is always the one with an arm splayed against Helena’s back, trying not to look as desperate as she feels to get her into a car and home, where they will at least have some time alone together, not under the prying eyes of their friends who probably care far too much. 

What makes _this_ night so unlike all the other nights is that before the eight of them can extract themselves from the crowd and find their way towards an exit, there is a woman standing in front of them, introducing herself as Kelly Hernandez and wanting desperately to talk to the four of them before they leave. Myka knows her, and knows what is happening, and she is at once happy and also terrified, because once this starts happening, she doesn’t know what will become of this delicate dance she and Helena are doing. Kelly ushers the band into one of the back offices of the club, leaving Myka, Amanda, Liam, and Todd to wait outside with anticipation for the conversation to end. 

Kelly is fiery and a bit wild, but she is _determined_ , or at least that’s how all of them will describe her to their significant others later. She’s leaning against a desk and eyeing the four of them carefully, before simply blurting out, “How on _earth_ do you four not have a manager yet?”

Claudia’s eyes widen and she fights against the urge to splutter, gaining control of her breath and her words quickly, “Well, no one’s really approached us about it yet. We’re still kind of new on the scene, I guess you could say.”

Kelly nodded and paused, thinking, considering, “Tonight is the fourth time I have heard you play in the last three weeks, and each time I keep trying to convince myself that you can’t possibly be as _good_ as you are, yet every time you prove me wrong.”

Pete chuckled, “Wow, lady, you really know how to deliver a compliment.”

“It is a compliment. It’s Pete, right?” Pete nodded with a smirk. “Pete, I’m serious, it is a compliment. There are too many bands in this town trying to find a break, who if I’m being honest don’t really deserve one, and they end up taking up so much time and attention that groups like you can get lost in the crowd. That needs to not happen, in my opinion, because you guys are incredible.”

Helena could _feel_ Claudia and Pete’s exuberance just bubbling below the surface, and while she wanted to feel that way too, she waited, formulating the right questions, trying to envision what Myka would encourage her to say, “So what exactly are you proposing to us Kelly? Do you want to be our manager?”

Kelly smiled, and some of her fire ebbed a bit, turning serious, “I do, but that’s not what I’m proposing, at least not yet. You would all be crazy to sign on with someone whom you just met. No, what I’m proposing is you guys let me find you some recording space and help you put together a demo. We work together on that, and you guys see how you feel, I see how I feel, and if we think it’s a fit after all of that, we can talk about something a bit more formal.”

This eased some of Helena’s concerns, she didn’t want them getting tied to someone too quickly, only to end up having it blow up in their faces. She turned a quick glance towards the other three, her own consideration and wonder reflected back at her from them. Kelly help up her hands quickly, “I’m not looking for an answer tonight, you guys, trust me. These things take time and you have options to weigh. I’m simply presenting you with an option. It’s up to you if you take it.” She pulled a stack of business cards out of her clutch, “Take a few days and think about it. Just let me know what you’ve decided, or if you just want to talk more.”

They each took one of the proffered cards, but before they left the room, Steve’s quiet voice piped up, “How many other artists do you represent?”

A small, secretive smile came across Kelly’s face, like this was the question she was waiting for, “I, personally, only work with one group at a time, that’s how I operate. That’s what a good manager does in my opinion. You don’t want someone who is distracted and pulled in a ton of different directions. So right now, none. _However_ , between St. Secord and Artifact records, my firm represents about twenty of their artists.”

Steve and Pete both let out low whistles, and Helena had to admit, at least to herself that she was impressed. Suddenly, a thought raced through her mind, _this_ could be their moment. This could finally be the break they were looking for. This could be the moment they looked back on and realized it all started then and there. Kelly’s voice shook her from her reverie, “Ok, you guys talk, and get back to me in a few days. No rush, take your time. But know this, I really think you guys are great, and I think with my firm you could do some amazing things.” She shook all of their hands and then left them sitting stunned and slightly shaken in the empty office.

When they emerged, no one had any idea what they were saying because they were all talking over and through each other. Finally, Claudia held up her hands, “Guys! Guys! Why don’t we go somewhere else, we can fill these four in,” she gestured towards where Myka, Amanda, Liam, and Todd were huddled demanding answers, “and then we can talk a bit more, get our heads on straight.”

They wound up at a 24-hour diner, crammed into a corner booth, with each of them trying to explain just what Kelly had proposed to them. In general, they all were in favor of what she had presented.

“It doesn’t necessarily lock us in to anything, but it presents us with a great opportunity to get our foot in the door,” Steve stated calmly.

“ _And…_.” Claudia continued, “if we like her, if it’s a good fit, then all the better. We’ve got a manager and we can just keep going.”

Pete slid an arm around Amanda’s shoulders, “She seems to have her business together, I mean it sounds like she has quite the firm. Mykes? Do you know her?”

Myka almost didn’t hear him. Her thoughts too tangled around how she was going to handle all of this taking off, how she was going to handle tours and distance and all of those natural consequences of being with a musician. It left her stomach feeling tight and her mind unwilling to fully listen to the conversation, “What? Oh…Kelly? Yeah, I do. I mean not necessarily directly, but I know her firm, Vanessa and I have steered a few people from the Regents their way. They have a really good setup. They get things done.”

Helena glanced at her carefully, letting her hand float under the table to entwine their fingers over Myka’s knee, “So, you think this is something to consider? To pursue?”

Myka latched onto Helena’s fingers, tighter than she wanted to, “I do. What I’ve always liked about them is that they seem to cater to their artists needs. They don’t just work with one label, they work with whichever label suits their artists, a lot of places don’t do that. Plus, Pete’s right, she’s not asking for a contract, just offering to help you get yourselves out there. If you don’t feel like it’s a good fit, she won’t have you locked down, but you _will_ have a demo, and that’s a huge step.”

Steve leaned into Liam’s arm around his shoulder, “Well, I think we give it a few days. We each think about it, take some more time, and then we make a decision. I don’t want us rushing into anything until we’ve all really thought it through.”

“Right you are Jinxsy! That’s why we love you! So practical and thoughtful, it’s all that meditating,” Claudia tugged Steve towards her and planted a kiss on top of his head.

Pete lightly drummed the table, “So we’re good? Decision making time in a couple of days?” They all nodded their assent, and Pete moved to get out of the booth, extending a hand to Amanda, “Awesome, because I for one want to get this woman home before it’s too late.” The wink he gave all of them induced a groan from the table, but he just laughed and tugged Amanda out of the diner, her hand casually linked into his back pocket.

They all paid and slowly filtered out behind them, confirming plans for Claudia’s birthday and next rehearsals. Helena swung her and Myka’s entwined hands between them, as they headed to their cars. Myka had kept the store open late that night and since Helena had needed to be at the club early, they found themselves in the odd position of actually having two cars for once. Helena squeezed her hand, she could _feel_ Myka’s anxiety radiating off of her, and she wasn’t even going to feign ignorance about what had caused it, but she wasn’t going to have that conversation in a freezing cold parking lot at almost midnight, “Come home with me for a bit?”

Myka looked at her with a mix of shock and relief, smiling uncertainly, “Sure.”

As Helena drove home, she realized she had no idea how to ease Myka’s fears, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t try. They got back to her apartment, and Helena immediately stole to the kitchen for two glasses of wine, while Myka settled quietly, distractedly onto the couch. When Helena returned, instead of sitting down on the opposite end, Helena sat down right next to Myka, their crossed knees tucked up against each other on the cushions. Helena took a sip of wine, then set it on the table. She wrapped a hand around Myka’s wrist, whispering, “I can feel you worrying.”

Myka wanted to feign ignorance, to put up a good front of happiness and calm, to tell Helena that she was imagining things, but she found she couldn’t, that she didn’t want to, not when Helena was sitting there looking so calm, so concerned, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be, and I don’t want to be, I just…”

“You’re worried that once all of that starts happening, all of _this_ ,” Helena gestured between them, “will _stop_ happening.”

Myka let out a ghost of a chuckle, “You officially know me way too well.”

“Myka…” Helena’s tone was a mixture of pain and consolation. “I cannot in good conscience ask you to trust me or to not worry. Considering everything…I should have anticipated that this, the band moving forward, would be a cause of anxiety for you. All I can tell you is that I have no intention of letting anything, the band included, get in the way of what we seem to be building together.”

Myka took a deep, stuttering breath, tears catching at the corner of her eyes, “I just don’t want you thinking that I’m not happy for you guys.”

“Oh Sleepy, that is the farthest thing from what I am thinking,” Helena pulled Myka into her, feeling tears seep into her shirt as she ran a light hand through Myka’s curls. “Myka, it is absolutely ok for you to feel like this, and I would never mistake this feeling for you being unhappy for us. Trust me. I understand.”

Myka’s words came muffled and watery against Helena’s shoulder, “I just…I don’t want this to go away.”

Helena lightly pressed against Myka’s shoulders, encouraging her to sit back up, their eyes immediately finding each other. Helena placed soothing palms against Myka’s cheeks, thumbs swiping away stray tears, “Myka Bering…I am not going anywhere. I’ve only just found you, I would be crazy to let you slip away so quickly.”

Helena removed one hand from Myka’s cheek to wrap around her wine glass and remove it from her fingers, eyes never straying from Myka’s as she set it against the table. Both of their sets of hands now free, Myka’s immediately found purchase against Helena’s hips, pushing lightly against her, encouraging her to lean back across the couch. Helena’s hands stole into Myka’s curls tugging her back with her as she fell against the cushions. Myka’s long, lithe form stretched out across Helena’s, her fingers snaking up and underneath Helena’s shirt, dancing across skin that rose up in goosebumps with each passing stroke. Her lips didn’t stay against Helena’s, but tugged away quickly to drag and nip against her neck, her tongue circling a rhythm against Helena’s pulse, feeling it quicken underneath her touch. 

Helena’s body felt like it was warring against herself. Her skin at once on fire and chilled from the delicate, but determined paths of Myka’s fingers. Her mind in a complete haze, while thoughts raced around about timing and whether they were ready and whether this was too much and _God_ how much she wanted to be ready and for this to be exactly the right amount of too much. Almost against her own will and judgment, her knee bent underneath Myka, her thigh coming to rest slowly, delicately, yet forcefully against Myka. The contact was enough to make Myka’s breath stall and stutter against Helena’s skin, she could feel the sucking in of air, the tremble of Myka’s lips where they rested against her collarbone. The twitch, the pull of Myka’s body against her own in that moment, the sheer _need_ that was pulsing off of both of them, it made Helena just want to give in, to just let this happen, because she knew how badly they both wanted it to happen, yet she couldn’t keep herself from feeling like tonight wasn’t right, with her shirt still wet from Myka’s tears, with the ghost of worry that still filtered behind Myka’s eyes as she propped herself up on her elbows to push Helena’s hair back, kissing her slowly, painstakingly slowly. 

As Myka pulled away just barely, and as Helena couldn’t keep her thigh from pressing just a little bit _more_ , Helena pushed forward, brushing lips against Myka’s, then lying back, fingers tracing along Myka’s cheeks, “If we don’t stop…”

That damned crooked smile overtook Myka’s face, “If we don’t stop…” Myka arched herself softly, surely against Helena’s thigh, “what?”

Helena’s eyes closed involuntarily, her breath coming out in a long, shaky exhalation, “If we don’t stop, it is going to be mere moments before you are in my bed.”

Helena opened her eyes in time to see the green in Myka’s darken and dilate with what could only be labeled desire. Myka brushed a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “And somehow you’re saying that like it would be a bad thing…”

Helena sighed, “I am absolutely positive that it would be a very, very _good_ thing, however…”

Myka tucked another strand of Helena’s hair behind her ear, while she lifted herself imperceptibly away from Helena’s thigh, “However, you aren’t ready…”

Helena closed her eyes tightly, turning away from Myka’s unwavering affection and attention, “I just…I don’t want it to happen because you’re worried or sad and I’m worried and trying to make things better, or I don’t know…I just…I don’t…”

Myka adjusted off of Helena’s body, pressing herself between the couch and Helena’s side, fingers tucking underneath Helena’s chin, trying to get her to look at her, “You don’t want it happening for the wrong reasons.” Helena just gave an imperceptible nod, still unwilling to look at Myka, “Helena, it’s ok. It’s _more_ than ok. And do you know why it’s more than ok?” Helena slowly gave a small shake of her head. Myka sighed and uncurled her hand from where it had been gripped against Helena’s hip, seeking out Helena’s where it was hanging off of the couch. She linked their hands and squeezed, “It’s more than ok, because you’re right. This…us…I don’t want it happening for the wrong reasons either.”

Helena finally opened her eyes, relief and hope flooding through them, “I just don’t want you thinking that I don’t…”

Myka stopped Helena’s sentence with a quick press of lips to her mouth, “Do not finish that sentence Swagger, because there is no way on earth that I think that. Don’t even go there, trust me I _know_ you do, and you know that I do, but you’re right, we’ll know when it’s supposed to happen, and I don’t think tonight is that night.” 

Myka sat up and tried her best to adjust her shirt where it had crept up around her ribs at Helena’s insistent hands. Helena reached up and ran a stray hand through Myka’s curls, barely whispering, “What if I want you to stay?”

Myka took a deep breath, steeling whatever ounce of self-control she had left, “I would say that I want nothing more than to stay… _however_ …it is probably in our best interests if I go home.”

Helena let out a soft groan, and pressed her hands against her eyes, “I know…you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Myka stood and tugged Helena up with her, “No reason to apologize, because eventually, you won’t even have to ask if I’m staying, ok?”

Helena nodded and pressed a soft, measured kiss to Myka’s lips, “Get home safe Sleepy.”

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Once the door to her apartment snapped shut, Helena fell back against the couch, with a heavy sigh. She pressed a pillow up against her face and let out a small groan. She was getting very, very tired of watching Myka leave.

**

It is the Wednesday night before Claudia’s birthday and Vanessa is watching Myka as _she_ is watching Helena clean up after a particularly busy and unexpectedly rowdy night at the café. The crowd was for some reason overzealous, and through the course of the evening more glasses were broken than Vanessa could remember, and Helena’s socks were still hanging haphazardly across a chair behind the bar, soaking wet from one too many beers spilled across her feet. Myka had tried to offer her help with closing up, but Helena had simply given her an incredulous look, and pointed a forceful finger towards her usual seat at the end of the bar by Vanessa. In truth, Myka and Vanessa had had little to discuss, other than the fact that Vanessa had zero intention of inviting any of the groups who had played that night back because she wanted nothing to do with another night like this one. So they had made small talk, but eventually Myka had lapsed into a staring silence, watching every move Helena made.

Vanessa bumped lightly against Myka’s shoulder, barely drawing her attention, “I haven’t seen this look on your face in a very, very long time.”

Myka turned a lazy smile to her, “And what look is that? Do I even want to know?”

“Happy, contentedly _happy_ dear one.”

Myka glanced another look at Helena, who gave her a fast wink and small smirk. Myka chuckled around a blush, “Maybe that’s because I _am_ happy.”

Vanessa just smiled and shook her head, taking a slow sip of wine, “If I had known when I hired that woman that this is where you’d end up...well, I probably wouldn’t have believed it.”

Myka sighed, “Believe me, if I’d known when she walked into the store that first night…”

“Life is full of surprises, I suppose.”

Myka sighed peacefully, “That it is…”

Helena locked up the register, gathered her purse, then turned hesitant fingers to barely retrieve her socks as she shoved them into a plastic bag. She gazed around the bar, making sure everything was finished, then came around to where Myka and Vanessa sat, pressing a light kiss to Myka’s temple, “Are you ready to go darling?”

Vanessa watched as Myka’s eyes closed happily at the contact. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she wasn’t quite sure if she’d ever seen Myka look _this_ happy. Myka stood and linked her hand with Helena’s, “I am. Let’s get you home.”

Vanessa couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. At the looks from Myka and Helena she waved her hands idly, “I’m sorry, but I must say the best thing about all of this with you two is that I no longer have to endure all the bickering about the _driving_.”

Myka just rolled her eyes, “Insane woman. We will see you Friday.”

Vanessa, still chuckling, smiled, “We’ll be ready. Party hats and all.”

Helena sighed, “I really have no idea what I’m in for with this Claudia birthday business do I?”

Myka squeezed her hand and pulled her to the door, “You really, really don’t.”

**

It was the night before Claudia’s birthday, and Helena realizes that she has never felt this at ease, this happy, this _normal_ in a relationship before. Myka ordered their movie tickets, signed her receipt, and then turned to her with a bright smile, looping an arm around her waist, pulling her in close, “Ready?”

Helena sighed happily, leaning into Myka’s hold, “Indeed.”

Myka is making some sort of idle comment about food as she hands their tickets to the usher, but before Helena can respond, suggest popcorn, Myka’s grip around her waist is tightening, and she’s sucking in a rasping gasp, panic flooding her face, “Fuck…”

Helena pulled her away from the line, calming hand against her shoulder, “Myka?”  
Myka turned wide, near watery eyes to her. She was pale and ashen and Helena had absolutely no idea what was going on, but suddenly Myka was gripping onto her hand and speaking in a quiet, insistent voice, “Ok, I need you to tell me to breathe and just keep holding my hand.” 

Helena just shook her head in utter confusion, “Breathe?”

Myka squeezed her hand tightly, “Thank you.”

Before Helena knew what was happening, there was a tall woman, almost as tall as Myka standing near them, a questioning look on her face, which was partly obscured by red hair, “Myka?”

Myka took in a sharp intake of breath, muttering through it, “Jesus Christ,” before turning to the woman with the fakest smile Helena had ever seen, “Giselle…hi.”

Helena’s reaction was instantaneous, her grip on Myka’s hand tightening so much she momentarily feared cutting off circulation, but Myka was gripping back just as tightly, like Helena was the only thing keeping her together. Helena knew she looked stunned with just a hint of rage, but she didn't care, because what _right_ did this woman have to come up to Myka so casually, as though nothing had ever happened between them. It’s enough to make Helena want to step between them in some misguided effort to save Myka from whatever was about to happen.

Giselle smirked in the smuggest way possible, voice high and light, placing a hand against Myka’s elbow, and Helena was impressed that Myka didn't simply jerk away from the contact. It took all of Helena’s effort to actually pay attention to the words coming out of this woman’s mouth, her emotions causing blood to rush to her ears creating a slight buzz, “I thought that was you! It’s been such a long time.”

Myka fought off an eye roll. She was well aware of just how long it had been, “It has. The last I had heard you had moved to Nashville.” Each word was more effort than Myka could bear, the words were catching at the back of her throat, but she would be damned if she let Giselle see the effect she was having. Myka knew that’s exactly what she wanted, and she wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Giselle laughed lightly, “Oh I did. I was ready for a new town, different music scene. I’m just back in town visiting family.”

Myka gave a small nod, then purposefully glanced down at her watch, “Got it…well…our movie…”

Before Myka could finish her sentence, Giselle cut her off, “Myka, I was truly sorry to hear about Sam.”

Helena had never wished more that she had the ability to suck words completely out of the atmosphere, and make them disappear unheard than she did in that precise moment. She felt helpless as she watched Myka’s breath catch in her throat, heard the softest of noises that accompanied it, all she could do was keep gripping that hand, praying that this moment would end soon, and that Myka would survive the aftermath.

When Myka finally spoke it was in a tone of voice Helena had never heard before. It was tight and controlled and Helena was certain it was taking every ounce of Myka’s strength to not burst into tears, “Thank you.” They’re the only words Myka could bring herself to say, because if she said what she really wanted it would cause a scene and she would most likely get kicked out of the theater. So she swallowed down the words she wanted to _scream_ at Giselle about how she has no right to mention Sam to her, that she has no right to reference his death when she showed no indication that she cared when it actually happened. She didn’t come to the funeral, she didn’t send a card, she didn’t call anyone, and part of Myka was relieved at that, because it would have just made things harder, but at the same time it made her angrier than she could describe that this woman who had ruined everything, who had turned Sam into a different person couldn’t even show up or even pretend that she cared he was gone. 

Helena couldn’t take this anymore; the anguish in Myka’s eyes, the fear of what Giselle could possibly say next, so she did the only thing she could think of doing, she stepped up next to Myka, not even looking at Giselle, and stating clearly, “Darling, our movie is starting.”

Helena tried not to notice the once over Giselle raked over her body but it was too obvious not to notice. She looked almost as though she hadn’t realized Helena was there until that point, but now that she had seen her she couldn’t stop looking at her. Finally, with a sound that was either a scoff or a sign of being impressed, she arched an eyebrow and turned back towards Myka, “God, if _this_ is your type, Abigail never stood a chance did she?”

Myka couldn’t keep her jaw from dropping, too shocked, too _appalled_ that Giselle had the gumption to mention Abigail, let alone in such a callous manner, and in a way that also insulted Helena. She moved to find words, but suddenly Helena’s hand was insistent in hers, and there was another one at the small of her back pushing her away, as Helena bit out words towards Giselle, “Ok, we’re leaving.” Helena tugged Myka away from Giselle’s prying, curious eyes, pulling her around a corner where Giselle could no longer see them, placing calming hands against Myka’s shoulders, “Myka, we can go. We don’t have to stay. Forget the movie. Please, let me take you home.”

Myka’s lungs wrapped around shuddering breaths, each one burning more than the last, as she tried desperately to keep herself together. She would not fall apart. She would not cry. She would not let Giselle do _this_ again. She finally looked into Helena’s eyes. Helena watched as Myka’s eyes flashed green glinting with determination, then hardened into something that unnerved her. Myka’s voice when she spoke was too adamant and too calm, “No, I’m fine. That woman has ruined enough days of my life. I won’t let her add this one to the list.”

“Sleepy…”

Myka hated that her words came out harsh, “No, seriously, we’re staying. Will you please go get us some popcorn? I just need a minute.”

Helena eyed her carefully, and ran soft hands along her arms, sighing, “Sure, absolutely.” She watched Myka steal into the closest restroom, then turned hesitant feet towards the concession stand. She met Myka at the entrance to their theater, and by the slight redness rimming her eyes, she knew Myka was simply keeping herself together for _her_ , and that if she was alone, she would be a wreck. Helena held up a package of Twizzlers, smiling softly, “I thought you could use these.”

Myka’s smile was tight, and Helena tried to ignore the tears that were glistening at the corner of her eyes, “Thank you Swagger.”

They made their way to their seats, as the previews were starting. They were doomed to silence for the next two hours, and Helena could _feel_ Myka’s distraction, her worry, her pain. Helena raised up the armrest between them, lowering a careful arm over Myka’s shoulders. Myka leaned into her, idly opening her Twizzlers, but Helena knew that despite the seeming normalcy of their position, everything was different. Myka’s muscles felt tense and tight under her arm, and Helena was fairly certain that despite doing it quietly, Myka cried through the entire movie. She sighed to herself, and placed a soft kiss to the top of Myka’s head, she should have just insisted they go home. 

Myka didn’t say a word the entire drive back to her apartment, she simply clung to Helena’s hand, eyes staring blankly out the passenger side window. Helena didn’t know what to say, _if_ she should say something, so she added her own silence to the dull roar of Myka’s. She pulled into the lot behind the store, carefully placing the car into park, completely at a loss as to what to do. The last thing she wanted was to leave Myka alone, but at the same time, knowing Myka, she knew that’s exactly what she’d want.

Myka’s shaky, tear-laden voice finally broke the silence, “I’m sorry…” 

Helena turned to her, where her head was hung, tears falling into her lap and onto Helena’s hand that she had clasped there, “Myka, you have _nothing_ to apologize for. That woman was bloody awful to you. That she actually had the nerve to say anything to you…” Helena stopped herself, her own words of anger wouldn’t help anything.

Myka just shook her head helplessly, “I shouldn’t have let her get to me.”

“Oh Myka, how could it _not_ get to you? God, she’s lucky that it was you, because if was me, I probably would have punched her. In all honesty, I wanted to for you…”

That drew a weak, but certain laugh from Myka. She drew in a breath and wiped at her cheeks, finally looking at Helena, “Then I guess we should call the night a success since we didn’t end up in jail.”

Helena smiled softly, placing a careful hand over Myka’s cheek, thumbing away the tears that continued to fall. She waited, waited longer than she knew she was capable of. She didn’t want to ask, she didn’t want to say anything, she didn’t want to sound needy or worried, if she was being honest she was fairly certain she didn’t want to hear the answer to the question she needed to ask, “Do you want me to come up for a bit?”

Myka’s eyes stole away from her then, a look of guilt and shame taking over her face, “I think I just need some time to myself…”

Helena drew in her bottom lip, biting down hard to tamp down her worry and her misplaced hurt. She shook her head, this had _nothing_ to do with her, with them, she needed to give Myka whatever she needed, even if that was time away from her, “Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then? Claudia’s birthday extravaganza.”

“Of course,” Myka leaned over and placed a light, distracted, Helena feared _rote_ , kiss to her lips. “Let me know when you get home.” 

Helena just nodded her head and helplessly watched as Myka let herself in to the back of the store without one backwards glance her way.

**

Myka knew the second that she walked into her apartment that she shouldn’t be there. _Couldn’t_ be there. She should have gone home with Helena. She should have let her come up. She should have done anything other than come up here _alone_. Alone with her thoughts, alone with these damn pictures of Sam, alone with her anger and her pain and her tears. She practically tore her running clothes out of her dresser, it was the only solution she could think of, it was the only thing that sounded like it might come close to helping. 

She had half-hoped that maybe Helena would be there too, seeking the same kind of solace, release, calm that she was, but it was just her and a few other late night runners. She knew she looked crazy, tears flooding down her cheeks as she tried to keep up some sort of manageable, effective pace. Her ears were ringing from the volume of her music, but she didn’t care. She was willing to try anything to drown out the sound of her own thoughts. She had meant what she said to Helena, that she shouldn’t have let Giselle get to her. So much time had passed and Myka just wanted to _move on_ ; parts of her felt like she had, the parts that soared and melted every time she was around Helena, the parts that were certain that she was absolutely in love with Helena, those parts had her almost convinced that she was over all of it. Yet, seeing Giselle, hearing her say Sam’s name, hearing her mention Abigail and sound so high and mighty to Helena, it had left her feeling like she was back in the studio that day, seeing them for the first time, feeling like the world was opening up beneath her feet. Myka wanted so much for everything with Helena to be different, yet the ghost of Sam, the pain of what she had done to Abigail, they lingered in the background, coming up to surprise her at the least likely of moments. God, she just wanted to be with Helena and have everything be _simple_ , or at least simpler, because if she was being honest, when she was with Helena everything _did_ feel simple. The realization hit her hard, and her feet stalled so quickly, it was as though she had run into a brick wall. Why on earth had she let Helena leave? If she was so sure that when she was with Helena she felt more certain, more sure, more at peace, then why the hell did she let her go? She just shook her head, she was an idiot, and it was time to stop running, literally and figuratively.

**

Helena let the water hit her body and burn. She knew it was too hot, but she didn’t care. She would try anything to make her stop _feeling_. She had debated going to the gym, but the effort, she couldn’t quite bring herself to it. She dragged a hand raggedly, repeatedly through her hair. She knew she shouldn’t be upset. Myka had every right to want to be alone, yet she couldn’t quite help but feel that Myka was also pushing her away. Mostly, there was hate coursing through her veins. She wanted nothing more than to tell Giselle exactly what she thought about everything she had done, everything she _still_ did to Myka. She knew that the anger she felt wasn’t truly towards Myka, but towards this woman who, years later, still had the capabilities of hurting Myka so acutely; this woman who in a matter of minutes had disturbed her and Myka’s already delicate relationship. 

She threw on pajamas without much care, and poured herself a much larger than usual glass of wine, collapsing onto the couch and turning on the television, anything to help her numb her mind. She knew she needed to go to bed, but her thoughts were nowhere near ready to shut down; she stared blankly at the television, idly sipping her wine, willing her body into numbness. So lost in her thoughts, trapped in the knots they were creating, she almost didn’t hear her door buzzer. The noise echoed around her apartment again, she looked at her clock, 12:30, who the _hell_ was at her apartment at this hour?

She uncurled herself from the couch, and pressed an uncertain finger to the buzzer, “Hello?”

“Can I come up?” Myka’s voice was out of breath and cracked.

Helena didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that Myka was the last person she had expected, though in the back of her mind she realized that no one _other_ than Myka would have come to her apartment this late. She buzzed the door open, and unlocked her door. She could hear Myka’s footsteps even before she knocked, she sounded like she was sprinting up the stairs, and when Helena opened the door, she wondered if she had, in fact, sprinted all the way here. She opened the door to be faced with a very sweaty, very disheveled, very tearful Myka Bering. Jaw ajar, she just sighed incredulously, “Did you _run_ here?”

Myka stepped cautiously into the apartment, hand running over her mass of curls that she knew looked positively unruly, “No, I ran at the gym. I drove here, faster than I probably should have actually.” Helena turned away from her and slouched back onto the couch, idly turning down the television. Myka fidgeted from foot to foot, she knew why she was here, but trying to explain it, well, that was a whole other story. She stepped towards the couch carefully, “Helena…”

Helena felt her chest tighten, Myka sounded far too apologetic for the circumstances. This needed to not go this way. Helena had no right to make Myka feel like she had something to apologize for. She held up her hands, “No, Myka, you do not owe me any apologies.”

Myka bit back a small smirk, “Maybe not, but personally? I sure as hell feel like I owe you an explanation. Which I would much rather do when I am not a sweaty, pathetic mess. Can I…would you mind if I shower really quick?”

Helena smiled softly, suddenly calm, though she had no idea why, other than the fact that she simply always felt _better_ when Myka was around, “Sure.”

When Helena was sure she had heard the water turn on and the shower curtain slide closed, she went to her room to find Myka clothing. She grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, and opened the door to the bathroom carefully, placing the clothes on the counter, and stealing back outside. She went to the kitchen and started a pot of tea boiling, then turned on her record player, selecting a soft, quiet jazz album. She sighed, this was a good sign, Myka being here. Maybe the circumstances weren’t ideal, and maybe she would have preferred it to not be like this, but if this was possibly a sign that Myka was done pushing her away, done running, then she would take it as a plus. 

Eventually Myka emerged, hair wet and disheveled, Helena’s sweatpants looking more like capris on her long legs. Helena turned to her offering up a mug of tea, and immediately burst out laughing, “Oh darling apparently I should have given you shorts.”

Myka chuckled, accepting the mug, and placing a small kiss to the top of Helena’s head, “It’s fine. They’re comfortable at least.”

“You and your damn long legs.”

Myka sighed and settled next to Helena on the couch, her side nestled up against Helena’s bent knees, tugging the blanket out from under Helena’s feet and tossing it over her legs. She leaned her head back against the cushions, turning a sideways glance at Helena’s too worried, too clenched, too hurt face. Myka wrapped an arm around Helena’s knees, “I’m sorry.” Helena’s lips drew together in a tight line, barely containing the words desperate to seep out. She knew she needed to let Myka talk, but her mind was racing with too many thoughts to let it happen easily. Myka squeezed at her knees, “I know you want to tell me that I have no reason to apologize, but I do. I never should have let you leave. Hell, I probably should have taken you up on your offer to take me home before the movie even started. I just…I’m still not fully used to the idea of this, of us, of the fact that you’re… _you_. I spent so much time learning how to just deal on my own, that the idea of having someone to actually help me carry some of this stuff, it’s…well, it’s going to take some adjustment.”

“Myka, it’s alright. I understand, truly. What that woman said to you, the fact that she even had the nerve to talk to you in the first place, it would have shaken anyone up.”

“You’re really bad at accepting apologies aren’t you?” 

Helena chuckled, “Only those that I feel are unnecessary.”

“Helena I’m not apologizing for being upset tonight, or even for reacting the way I did. What I’m apologizing for is running away from you. For making you feel like maybe I didn’t want you around. For letting _her_ affect us. Is that an apology you can accept?”

“It is.”

Myka smirked, “You still have this look like ‘there’s no reason why this should be happening’ on your face.”

“Yes, well, I am terribly difficult to convince once my mind is made up darling.”

Myka smiled, but it disappeared quickly, her brow furrowing into seriousness, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have to say it. I am sorry for what she said to you…about Abigail.”

“Myka, why on earth are you apologizing for _that_?”

Myka didn’t groan or sigh or shove it off or joke, but instead turned determined, honest eyes towards Helena, “Because I never want you to feel like you aren’t what I want. For her to compare you to Abigail…it’s unacceptable Helena, and whether or not it meant anything to you that she said it, it meant something to me, because what I did to Abigail, it wasn’t my finest moment, but for her to intimate that it was because of something superficial like a type, it’s ridiculous, and I don’t want you for one second thinking that I could be as callous or as fickle as that. I want you to know, to understand, to trust, that I am with you because _you_ are who I want to be with. On top of that, I never want you feeling like you’re being compared to Abigail or to anyone else I’ve been with. I can’t handle that, knowing how much I hurt her, I can’t…I can’t let myself think about doing that to you.”

Helena flicked away small tears, wishing they would just evaporate, “You worry about that though…I know you do. You’ve told me yourself you do.”

“I know…I know I do, but…I don’t know, Helena I just don’t want you thinking that…I just need you to know how _different_ this is for me, and not just compared to Abigail, but to everything. You…us…it’s not something I’ve experienced before.”

“Well on that front, we are quite on the same page darling.” Helena paused, weighing her words carefully, “Since we are on the subject of unnecessary apologies, I am sorry that you had to go through that tonight Myka. That you had to see that woman, that she had the gall to bring up Sam, I am so very sorry that you had to endure that.”

A fresh wave of tears welled up in Myka’s eyes, caused by a combination of the weight of Giselle’s presence and the absolute love she felt emanating off of Helena, that she felt _for_ Helena. She tried to take a shaky breath, but it caught in her throat around a small sob, “I just really, really thought I would never have to see her again.”

“Oh darling…” Helena unbent her knees, pulling Myka into her arms, brushing back curls from Myka’s forehead, and pressing a kiss to her temple, “She had no right, absolutely no right to talk to you tonight, no one could have been prepared for that.”

“I just hate that I still feel like this, that it can get to me still all these years later. It makes me feel so weak Helena.”

Helena held onto her tightly, “You are not weak Myka. You had a horrible, horrible thing happen to you, and those things do not just disappear simply because time has passed. Believe me, I of all people, know and understand that.” Myka clung to her, tears slowing, her breath returning to normal. Helena kept running a light hand through her curls, wiling her to relax, to rest, to breathe. Finally, when her breath seemed like it was evening out, Helena pressed a kiss to her forehead, “Love…let’s go to bed.”

Myka simply nodded against her shoulder, and allowed herself to be pulled towards Helena’s bedroom. Curled together underneath the covers, with Myka looking a bit more like herself, less tense, less uncertain, Helena gave a soft chuckle, “And here you said that this wouldn’t happen again for awhile…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yeah well I can always go to the guest room if you really take issue with me being in your bed.”

Helena reached out and gripped onto Myka’s hip, “You aren’t going anywhere. Also, I think six weeks _does_ qualify as awhile.”

Myka cuddled impossibly closer to Helena, sighing heavily, “I worry that one of these days you are going to realize that I am crazier than you are fully willing to deal with.”

Helena kissed the bridge of Myka’s nose, “And I worry that the day will never come when you realize that I want nothing more than to deal with your crazy, that I am in fact quite _fond_ of your crazy.”

“Yeah, well, I have a natural talent for chasing people away, for running away myself.”

“Myka,” Helena’s tone steeled into seriousness, “I am not going anywhere, and if you run, I will simply run after you.”

“You say that now…”

Helena shook her head, “Myka, I am not Sam, I am not Abigail. You and I? We are who we are, together, with all of our brokenness and all our pain. You, every single part of you, is who I want to be with, and I don’t know about you, but I have no intention of running away from something that has made me happier than I have been in a very, very long time.” Helena’s lips hovered on the edge of saying _something_ else, of letting those words slip out, but she pulled them back in. This wasn’t the time, and though she knew that was how she felt about Myka, deep down, she still wasn’t sure that Myka felt that way about her. 

Myka shifted and wrapped an arm around Helena’s waist, pulling her tightly against her body, pressing soft, near careful lips to Helena’s, “You, Helena Wells…you tend to leave me very, helplessly speechless.”

Helena smiled against Myka’s still parted lips, “One of my many, _many_ talents darling.”

Myka let out a ghost of a laugh, “Of _that_ I have absolutely no doubt.”

A single moment hung heavy between them, one where it felt as though they were standing at a line where they could push forward or pull back. There were sighs and feather-light kisses, fingertips trailed over arms and waists, but eventually yawns and the weight of what had happened that night won out, and Helena pressed one last lingering kiss to the corner of Myka’s mouth, before turning in her arms, letting Myka curl around her, and happily, though still with hints of worry lingering in their minds, they both slept.

** 

Myka tapped her fork against the top of her bottle, clearing her throat, and standing up a little awkwardly, “Ok, I realize that it’s kind of an odd thing to make a toast with root beer and cream soda, but I want to say something.” They were all sprawled out across Pete and Amanda’s living room, pizza boxes on near every surface, punk music filtering in from the office, and Claudia looking happier than ever. Myka gave her a small smile, “Three years ago, this really, really crazy kid walked into my store, when my life was kind of in shambles. Little did I know how much she would change my life. Claud, without you…my life, _all_ of our lives…well they would be a lot less colorful, a lot less fun, and I am so very thankful to call you a part of my family. I love you. Happy Birthday.”

Claudia wiped away invisible tears, “Aww thanks Cap’n.” She stood up and wrapped her arms around Myka’s waist, whispering, “And you know I love you too.” 

Myka sat back down, leaning into Helena, who pressed a kiss to her cheek, “You are absolutely adorable.” 

Before Myka could respond with anything other than a crooked smile, Claudia was turning one of their paper plates into a frisbee and flinging it at Myka, “Yo, disgustingly cute cuddlers over there! What’s the plan? Don’t get me wrong, the all day video game marathon, which allowed me to repeatedly kick Pete’s ass was fantastic, and there’s pizza which is of course, _amazing_ , but somehow, I don’t think that’s all you have planned.”

Myka flung the plate back at her, “Your confidence about that makes me kind of want to tell you that this was it. My grand birthday plan for you was to make you endure as many hours with the seven of us as you possibly can handle.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “What _more_ could I ask for really?”

“Exactly! However, you’re right.” Myka glanced at her watch, “Actually, if everyone’s ready, we should probably get going.”

Claudia clapped her hands in delight, “I totally knew you would have something up your sleeve.”

**

Myka glanced over at Helena, where she sat staring out the passenger side window on their way to the Regents. She had been quiet all day, not necessarily withdrawn, but just _quiet_ , like something was churning just below the surface that she was trying to fend off. Myka worried that last night Helena had simply put up a really, really good front of being ok with what had happened after they ran into Giselle, that deep down she _was_ upset, or worried, or _something_ that was making her seem just the slightest bit distracted, the slightest bit hesitant around her. Myka reached over and ran a hand down the back of her hair, massaging her neck softly, “You alright over there?”

Helena gave her a tight smile, “Fine darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Swagger, you don’t sound fine. You’ve seemed kind of quiet all day. I just, I want to enjoy tonight, _with you_ , and I can’t do that if I’m worried you’re upset or that I’ve done something.”

Helena turned to her then, trying to will happiness into her voice, “Myka, I’m really ok. “

Myka sighed, she needed to let it go, otherwise she would push too much and then Helena really would be upset and that was just not how Myka wanted tonight to go. She moved her hand to link with Helena’s, “Ok.” She didn’t say another word, but she could _feel_ it hovering around Helena, the worry, the fear. All Myka could do was try to show her that she didn’t need to worry, not tonight, not right now. They were here, together, and Myka had absolutely no intention of wasting a moment of the night. Myka could talk and talk until she had no more words, but what she realized was that she had to _show_ Helena how happy she was, how content she was, how much she simply wanted to just be with her.

There were no words to describe the moment when Claudia realized _just what was happening_ when they got to the Regents. There were no words for the instantaneous smile mixed with tears, as she turned to Myka and could only barely mutter a “thank you,” before throwing herself in a chair as close to the stage as possible and practically bowing at the feet of the woman on stage. There were no words for how happy Myka was simply watching her sing along to each and every song, looking happier than Myka had ever seen her. There were no words for the moment when she was invited up on stage, when she slung a guitar over her shoulders, and got to sing with her idol. For Myka, that moment made all the string pulling and phone calls and favors completely and totally worth it. There were pictures and laughter and at least an hour of questions and talking and advice, that Cherie happily offered, seeming to enjoy her time with the eight of them as much as they enjoyed their time with her. 

After Myka had walked Cherie out with an endless string of words of appreciation, she returned to their table where Claudia was still going on and on about what had just happened. Eventually, she just jumped up and declared, “Ok, there is no way I am ready to go home now. I demand dancing. It is my birthday and I demand dancing.”

No one was going to deny Claudia’s request, and honestly, none of them were even close to being tired, so they once again piled into their cars and drove to a club across town. The second they were in the doors, they practically flung themselves into the crowd, their exuberance from the rest of the night driving them to just give in to the pulsing bass. Myka couldn’t help but smile deeply and fully; _this_ was exactly what she had wanted for Claudia’s birthday, all of them together, content, happy, enjoying every second of the night. She didn’t even care that she was on a dance floor, she didn’t care that Pete was continuously dragging her into the middle of their little circle and making her look like a fool. All she could do was laugh and exist and be thankful that these seven people were in her life. 

At one point, when Claudia had pried her way from the group to get another drink, and Steve and Liam had gone up to the DJ who apparently was a friend of theirs, Myka looked around and realized she had no idea where Helena had gone. Eventually, standing on the tips of her toes, straining to see through the crowd, Myka found her, tucked into a table in the back, by herself. Myka just shook her head, she couldn’t very well plead that she was fine and then steal away from the group without raising some questions. 

Helena knew she wasn’t doing this well. She knew she was barely putting up a good front, and she hated that her mood was impacting the rest of the evening. It wasn’t even that she was that _upset_ , it was just that she had this nagging, gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach that maybe there would never come a time when Myka’s past didn’t find a way to rear its ugly head and throw a wrench into everything. She knew they both had things to work through, that they had things to deal with, but seeing the look of pure panic and anguish in Myka’s eyes last night, it was enough to make her worry that no matter how close they got, no matter how much they both seemed to possibly _love_ each other, it wouldn’t be enough to drive away the demons. She hated herself for feeling that way, and for knowing that she was doing nothing but pushing Myka away tonight, but she couldn’t stop the tugging in her heart telling her that if she lost Myka, she would be absolutely and completely done for. More than anything that frightened her, to know so deeply, so acutely how in love with her she was, all the while feeling like she was inches away from having her slip through her fingers, it was almost too much to bear.

Too caught up in her own thoughts to notice much of what was going on around her, the sensation of an arm reaching around her shoulders and setting a drink in front of her was enough to make her jump. Myka pulled a chair in close next to her, “You looked like you could use that.”

“Thank you darling.” God Myka looked so _good_ , so content, so willing to just be _there_ in the moment with her. It made Helena’s chest tighten, she needed to not ruin this, not tonight, not right now, not with Myka looking at her like that.

Myka curled her hand around Helena’s where it lay against the table, thumb running lightly over her knuckles, “You know, usually _I’m_ the one not out on the dance floor.”

“Just taking a break.”

Myka arched an eyebrow, “Are you sure that’s all it is, and that you aren’t maybe, possibly, avoiding me?” Helena sighed and turned what she knew were pained eyes towards Myka. Myka just smiled at her, releasing her hand and running light fingers over her cheek, “Helena listen, I know last night…”

Helena shook her head, “It’s not a big deal…”

Myka just rolled her eyes, “ _Stop_ being so damn noble. It is a big deal, because you’re worried. I know you are, so you can stop trying to put up this strong front with me. I cannot take back that I reacted really, really poorly last night, and that at some point that will probably happen again. What I can say though, is that I’m here, right now, with you. There is nowhere that I would rather be right now than right here with you. I know we keep talking about going slow and taking our time, but Helena this, us, it’s all I want. I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of showing you that all the time.”

Helena sighed, taking a long drink of the cider Myka had brought her, “I’m sorry, I just think I let my head get a little tangled.”

“Ah but remember, I am here for the untangling. _And_ you have nothing to apologize for, but that won’t keep me from saying that I will accept your apology in the form of you dancing with me.”

A small grin teased the corners of Helena’s mouth, “I thought you preferred to avoid the dance floor.”

“ _Usually_ I do, _however_ , I really, really think that you should come dance with me.”

“And how can I possibly deny you?”

“You can’t,” Myka leaned in and placed a lingering kiss to Helena’s lips, then stood and offered her a hand, “therefore, please get on this dance floor with me.”

Helena took Myka’s offered hand, and allowed herself to be pulled deep into the crowd. She took a deep breath, she wasn’t going to let the night go to waste. Myka was right, she was right there with her, and Helena needed to simply sink into that feeling. As Myka pulled her further away from where the rest of the group was, Helena shouted into her ear, “Don’t you want to go back with everyone else?”

Myka turned and pulled Helena into her, hands grasped around her hips, “Not just yet. I want at least one song with you, alone.”

Helena smiled and wrapped her arms around Myka’s neck, “No complaints here.”

The music was pulsing around them, lights shifting and slanting around the room, but neither of them truly noticed. There might have been people bumping into them, but they found they didn’t care. 

Eventually, the lyrics to the song they were dancing to pierced Helena’s mind, and she couldn’t help but laugh.

Myka quirked an eyebrow at her, pulling her tighter to her body, “What’s so funny?”

Helena leaned into Myka, every inch of her body flush with her own, “Just listen to the lyrics to this song darling, rather appropriate.”

_“She took my arm, I don’t know how it happened, we hit the floor and she said….oh don’t you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me. I said you’re holding back. She said, shut up and dance with me. This woman is my destiny…”_

Myka husked against Helena’s ear, her hands running up the length of Helena’s back, “Well, I didn’t exactly tell you to shut up…”

Helena released her arms from Myka’s neck, sliding her hands down Myka’s arms to link their fingers, “True…”

The bass pulsed on, echoing around Helena’s mind as her thoughts kept wrapping around the lyrics.

_“I felt it in my chest as she looked at me…I knew we were bound to be together…bound to be together.”_

Myka’s hips were moving so purposefully against her. Their hands continuously sliding, linking and parting against each other. Watching Myka, feeling her looking at her with such _intent_ , Helena wasn’t sure she was going to be able to breathe for very much longer. 

_“Deep in her eyes…I think I see the future…I realize this is my last chance…”_

Myka couldn’t take her eyes off of Helena. The way her body moved against her own, the feel of her hands on her skin. Myka knew, intimately, that this woman…this woman was it. 

The lyrics kept pounding away in both of their minds, _“This woman is my destiny…”_

Myka eventually couldn’t take the closeness anymore, she tugged Helena into her, lips moving fast and hard against Helena’s mouth. Their lips were parting, breathing in the same breaths, wanting nothing more than to drown in the other. Eventually, Myka pulled away, barely, whispering against Helena’s lips, “Are you ready to get out of here?”

Helena simply nodded and pulled her towards where the rest of their group was still dancing, albeit much slower than they were earlier in the night. Helena walked up behind Claudia, throwing her arms around her waist, causing her to jump and turn. Claudia saw the looks on both of their faces and just laughed, hugging Helena, then turning to Myka and shouting, “Thank you for the BEST birthday, like ever.”

Myka laughed and hugged Claudia tightly, “You’re welcome Claud. Are you ok if we sneak out?”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “I am _more than ok_ if you guys get out of here.”

Amanda was immediately by their side, winking at Myka, “We’re heading out too actually, but I seriously think it’s probably time for you guys to get out of here. _Please._ ”

Myka smacked Amanda’s shoulder playfully, then hugged her. Eventually, amidst the crowd and the noise they all shouted their goodbyes to each other. Steve, Liam, Todd, and Claudia content to continue the party alone, while Pete led Amanda towards the door, with Helena and Myka following close behind, Helena’s hand pressed firmly into the small of Myka’s back.

Pete, ever oblivious to anything going on around him, hugged them both, and climbed into the car, but Amanda lingered to give Myka another hug, whispering, “It is about _damn_ time.”

Myka rolled her eyes and pushed her into Pete’s car, waving to them both, then offering a hand to Helena, “Alright Swagger, let’s get you home.”

**

Myka found she didn’t really know what to say the entire time she drove to Helena’s apartment, but she realized there really was nothing _left_ to say. She realized she and Helena were both very much done with all of their talking. So she didn’t even ask about coming up when they got there, and Helena didn’t question when she pulled into the parking lot rather than simply pulling up to the curb. Neither of them said a word as Helena couldn’t quite get her keys to do what she wanted at the front door, or as Myka slipped a hand into Helena’s back pocket as they went up the stairs. There were no words when Helena practically collapsed into her apartment, tossing her purse and keys haphazardly to the side, and turning immediately to Myka, pressing her firmly, intentionally against the door. Myka didn’t say a word as Helena’s hands found purchase on the skin of her hips, as Helena’s lips tugged away from her mouth, and blazed a searing path down her jaw and along her neck. All she could do was rake her nails through Helena’s hair, and sigh shakily. There were no words until Helena hastily shook off her jacket, encouraging Myka to do the same, and as both articles of clothing hit the floor, Helena’s mouth was breathing hot and wanting against Myka’s ear, “Is this the night where I finally don’t have to ask if you’re staying?”

Myka groaned slightly, and dragged her nails down Helena’s back, whispering into her hair, “It is.”


	10. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A morning after. A birthday party. A certain amount of distracting images. A phone call. A dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will just be really honest and say that this chapter kicked my ass. I think because it has a bit of a different format and because it kept changing shape on me. However, here it is...I can't look at it anymore or I may tear my hair out, or punch one of these two, and since only one of those things is actually possible, it's best to get it out of my head. 
> 
> A heads up for some sexy times ahead...if that isn't your thing, just skip the italicized parts, though I would recommend reading the last one or things might be a little confusing.
> 
> Song for this chapter is by Tegan & Sara

10\. Closer

“Myka, I swear to God if you do not make that infernal noise go away I will push you out of this bed, and seriously debate ever letting you back into it.”

Myka groaned, tugged her arm out from around Helena’s waist, and flung it towards the nightstand behind her, hoping she could reach her alarm without actually having to move. Her fingers slipped desperately over her screen, until finally she had the right angle with the right amount of pressure to make her alarm stop. She let out a sigh and wrapped her arm tightly back around Helena’s waist pulling her closer, burying her head into Helena’s hair.

Helena’s voice came groggy and half-mumbled, “ _Why_ is your alarm going off? What _time_ is it?”

Myka sighed, speaking into the base of Helena’s neck, lips ghosting over skin as she spoke, “It’s 8:30.” She heard Helena give an extremely pathetic groan, and she pressed a kiss into her neck, “I’m sorry, I really, really need to stop spending the night when I know I have to be up early.”

“Why on earth _are_ you up this early?”

“Today is Ethan’s birthday party…”

“And all four year olds demand a party that begins before the sun is properly up?”

Myka’s chest shook with a chuckle, though she was sure Helena wasn’t aiming for her sarcasm to cause laughter, “No, it’s not until noon, but it’s going to take me an hour and a half to get to Boulder, and I have some errands to run before I go, and I still need to wrap his presents.”

“And thus I am awakened by your alarm at this ungodly hour.”

“It’s not _that_ ungodly.”

Helena groaned and ungracefully rolled so that she was facing Myka, eyes still closed, head buried against Myka’s shoulder, “It is ungodly when I feel as though we just went to sleep.”

Myka pressed a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, “Well…we kind of did.”

“Your flirtatious tone will _not_ save you this morning Myka Bering.”

Myka sighed and ran her fingertips down Helena’s bare back, “I am really, really sorry. When Tracy told me that his party was today, I didn’t exactly think that this was where I would be the morning after Claudia’s birthday…”

Helena finally, unwillingly opened her eyes and propped her head up slightly on Myka’s pillow, “Are you complaining about where you find yourself this morning darling?”  
Myka pressed a light kiss to Helena’s lips, whispering against them, “Never.” She pulled away and ran a hand through Helena’s hair, “However, I still am sorry that I woke you up, and that I have to leave…”

Helena’s fingers danced down the curve of Myka’s arm, “I must say that while I _can_ begrudgingly tolerate the early wake-up, you leaving this bed is completely intolerable.”

Myka’s eyes fluttered shut, trying to fend off the goosebumps raising across her skin at Helena’s touch, she so did not have time for _that_ , “Believe me…the last thing I want right now is to leave.”

“And yet,” Helena’s lips ghosted against Myka’s neck, “you must,” her lips moved and trembled over Myka’s pulse, “I wouldn’t want to be blamed for you being tardy this afternoon.”

Myka arched her neck, “Ok, you doing _that_ is really not great encouragement for me to get out of bed.”

Helena chuckled, the vibrations of it echoing through Myka’s skin, “Consider it punishment for my early wake up call, _and_ possibly a reminder of what exactly you’re leaving woefully behind in this bed.”

“Evil…” Myka sighed, “woman.”

“Guilty as charged darling.” Helena leaned away from Myka, dragging some of the covers with her, leaving much of Myka’s skin bare to the cold of the room.

Myka flinched against the cold with a small yelp, “See, now that’s just mean.”

Helena buried her head deep against the pillows, “Unfortunately for you darling, your only options are me being mean, or me dragging you back into this bed and making you obscenely late for your nephew’s party, and I _highly_ doubt you will want to explain to your mother or your sister, exactly _why_ you are late.”

Myka flung an arm over her eyes and rolled away from Helena, “Ugh, _fine_.” She sat up and stole a quick glance around the room sighing, she peered back over her shoulder at Helena, “Apparently I should have set my alarm for earlier, because finding my clothes? Should be fun.”

Myka watched as Helena’s body shook with laughter under the covers, her smile shining out from where she was practically drowning in the pillows, “Good luck with that love.”

Myka let out an exasperated groan, finally pushing herself out of bed, albeit unwillingly. It took several minutes and some creative searching, but eventually, she was able to locate her socks, her underwear, her belt, and her jeans, despite having little to no recollection of how each article got into the places she found them. She tugged them on, shoved her phone into her back pocket, and dropped a kiss to the top of Helena’s head. She knew she needed to get home, but she couldn’t quite make her feet move as quickly as she needed to, all she wanted was to stay here, in this place, for as long as Helena would let her. Sighing she moved across the hallway to brush her teeth and wrangle her hair into some sort of manageable tangle. As she left the bathroom, all she could do was lean against the wall and stare at the pathway of clothing that marked a trail from Helena’s front door to the bedroom. Too caught up in flashes of the night before, she didn’t hear Helena pad up behind her, wrapping warm arms around her still bare waist. The silk of Helena’s robe brushed against her skin, causing her to lean back into the embrace, “I thought you were staying in bed?”

“I figured it would be quite ungracious of me to not walk you to the door.” Helena pressed a kiss to Myka’s shoulder, laughter pushing through her lips as she eyed the hallway, “We _might_ have gotten a bit carried away last night…”

Myka laughed and wrapped her arms around where Helena’s lay against her waist, squeezing slightly, “Totally worth it.”

Helena sighed, “I hate that you have to leave.”

“I know…”

“Will you at least stay long enough that I can make you some coffee? I don’t want to be the reason why you fall asleep during your nephew’s party…he would never forgive me.”

Myka leaned her head back, turning to place a kiss against Helena’s lips, “Sure. Especially since I clearly have only discovered half of my clothes so far.”

“I will remind you that you just said it was worth it.”

“And it was, _however_ , I confess I have no idea how on earth you managed to fling them all across every corner of your apartment.”

Helena released her hold on Myka’s waist and moved down the hall towards the kitchen, arching an eyebrow at Myka over her shoulder, “ _Talent_ darling, though I will say you should probably take notice of the fact that my clothes aren’t exactly folded up neatly in a corner. I am _not_ the only one in this apartment guilty of a bit of _enthusiasm_ , shall we say?”

Myka felt a blush creep up her chest and settle into her cheeks. She knew Helena was right, _more than right_ on that account, but she couldn’t find any form of appropriate words to respond, so she simply watched Helena practically _saunter_ towards the kitchen, as she stood frozen to the spot, an idle, distracted hand rubbing at the back of her neck. She finally willed her feet to move, to maneuver distractedly down the hall and through the living room extracting her clothes from the various furniture and corners she found them strewn across and against. 

Helena came out from the kitchen, another travel mug in her hands. Myka took it gratefully, “I still have the last one of these you sent me home with.”

Helena smirked, “Between these and my sweatshirt, why do I have a feeling that someday I will be without any earthly possessions?”

“Maybe you should stop giving me your earthly possessions…”

“ _Maybe_ you should stop leaving my apartment at inconvenient times, that way I have no _reason_ to give you my earthly possessions.”

Myka smiled and pressed a kiss to the corner of Helena’s mouth, extracting the coffee mug from her hands, “Now that? That I can work on.”

Helena blushed slightly, looking away, fingers toying with the bottom button of Myka’s shirt. She didn’t like feeling this _hopeless_ this early in a relationship, she didn’t like feeling this hopeless period, however, there could be no denying her feelings for Myka evoked something completely foreign in her that nestled tight and coiled somewhere below her heart. She found her tongue wanting to wrap around certain _words_ , words she knew needed to not be spoken, at least not yet, not right now, but the images flashing through her mind from last night, of skin and teeth and fingers twisting, of gasps and cries, they made her want to just say them, because God after a night like that how could she _not_ feel them? Yet, she willed her mind to stop her tongue, to swallow them back down, and simply turn what she knew were pathetic eyes to Myka, “So, will I be seeing you tonight or will you be kidnapped by the four year old?”

Myka smiled, her chest ballooning with something unknowable at the look in Helena’s eyes, the look that said Helena just wanted her to stay so that whatever moment that began between them the second the door shut last night wouldn’t have to end. She ran her hands down Helena’s arms, “Kidnapped I’m afraid.”

Helena’s eyes went wide, a smile tugging her lips, “I was kidding!”

Myka chuckled, “I know, however, I sadly, am not, though it’s less Ethan doing the kidnapping and more Tracy.” Helena arched a questioning eyebrow at her. She sighed, “Tracy asked me the other week if I might stick around tonight, help her clean up, wind down from the chaos. Kevin has to leave on some business trip early tomorrow morning, so she’s going to need a few extra hands around to help.”

“Between Kevin’s business trip and you leaving my apartment this early, I’m severely beginning to question the intelligence of this party happening today.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “It _is_ wildly inconvenient, though I highly doubt Ethan would see it that way.”

“So,” Helena ran a stray finger around one of Myka’s buttons, “you’re in Boulder for the night. Whatever will I do with myself without your company?”

Myka tugged slightly at the sash of Helena’s robe, causing it to barely fall open just enough to make Helena blush and still Myka’s fingers with an incredulous look. Myka linked their hands, “Oh, I’m sure that you’ll just lay around wallowing that I’m not here, you will probably have no idea what to do with yourself.”

“ _Exactly._ I am destined to just be a wasted mess this evening…”

“Well,” Myka wrapped her arms around Helena’s waist, pulling her in tightly, “I will just have to make it up to you tomorrow, _and_ I promise I’ll talk to you tonight, try and assuage your distress.”

“I shall hold you to both of those things darling.”

“Good,” Myka leaned down and kissed her lightly, “I really, _really_ need to get going.”

“I can tell, you look like you just want to _run_ out of here.”

Myka sighed and kissed her again, stepping away quickly, “Believe me there are _a lot_ of things that I would like to be doing right now, none of which include leaving this apartment. However…”

Helena walked over and twisted the doorknob, pulling the door open, “However, I will not be the reason that your nephew is deprived of his favorite aunt’s presence this afternoon.”

Myka hung her head, “Now you’re kicking me out…”

Helena just shook her head, “As insufferable as ever. Have a lovely time this afternoon darling, and I will talk to you later.”

Myka pressed a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “You can count on it.”

**

Myka distractedly turned on the radio as she climbed into the shower, anything to get her mind to stop circling around every moment that happened last night. She knew that if she kept replaying it, she would end up getting nothing done and wind up still being late despite leaving Helena’s apartment on time. However, the radio was not interested in helping her cause. She laughed incredulously as the song began just as she tugged the shower curtain closed, it was just too perfect and too ridiculous to be on right at this moment when she was trying to _stop_ thinking about Helena.

_“Here comes the breath before we get a little bit closer…”_

Myka took in a deep breath of steam, running her hands through her hair. Her mind filtering back effortlessly…

_“It is.”_

_“Thank God, because if you had told me that you were still thinking about leaving now, I’m not sure I would have been able to handle it,” Helena’s voice was low and husked against Myka’s ear, her teeth tugging insistently at Myka’s ear lobe._

_Myka’s fingers curled into Helena’s hair, her head falling back against the door with a small thud, “I think I would be crazy to leave right now.”_

_Helena tugged aside the collar of Myka’s shirt, pressing a kiss roughly against her collarbone, “Well, as I have told you, I am quite fond of your crazy darling…”_

_Myka sighed, hands seeking to pull Helena’s lips away from her neck and back towards her, “Helena…” Her words came out breathy and wanting, in a tone she wasn’t quite sure she’d ever heard herself use before, “just shut up and for the love of God kiss me.”_

_Helena’s lips found hers again, parting them easily, and Myka absent-mindedly wondered if she was going to be able to survive the rest of the night, if just being kissed like_ this _by Helena was enough to leave her breathless and feeling like she was on the brink of blacking out. She became even more convinced that her knees might simply give out right then and there as Helena’s fingers scrambled out from under her shirt and began slowly, almost_ too _slowly undoing the buttons of her shirt. She pulled away from the kiss, sucking in deep breaths as Helena’s cool fingers slid her shirt off of her shoulders and stole back underneath her tank top. Myka tried to pull her closer, to urge her fingers to move just slightly_ higher, _Helena’s name leaving her lips involuntarily, making her sound like she was just this side of begging._

_Helena chuckled against her neck, “Patience love…we have all night.”_

_Myka’s fingers pulled at the hem of Helena’s shirt, inching it slowly upward, then simply tugging it off completely and flinging into a far corner of the room, “Unfortunately, patience is not one of my strong suits.”_

_Helena’s eyes closed against the sensation of Myka’s fingers dancing over her now exposed stomach, “Righty-ho then.”_

_Myka rolled her eyes, pressed a kiss behind Helena’s jaw, “You are just_ so _British…”_

**

Myka shivered despite the heat of the water. If this was going to keep happening throughout the rest of her day, she stood very little chance of not making an absolute fool of herself at some point. She would probably end up walking into a wall or tripping over her own feet, if her mind kept presenting her with images like that. Yet, she couldn’t quite convince herself to let those images go, they were too enticing, too _memorable_ , too everything to just simply stop thinking about them. The radio pulsed through the rhythm of the water and into her mind.

_“Here comes the rush before we touch, come a little closer…”_

And Myka was hopelessly lost yet again, as she rinsed her hair without much thought as to what she was doing…

_Patience be damned, Myka pressed determined fingers against Helena’s hips, driving them away from the door and towards the hallway, towards the bedroom. Myka was finding that she was very, very tired of_ standing. _As they moved, lips adamantly refusing to stay apart for longer than a few seconds, they each sought to kick off their shoes. Myka winced as one of hers made a rather dull thud against the entertainment center, but Helena’s fingers were under her chin, urging her focus back, whispering, “Don’t worry about it darling.”_

_Helena pulled Myka’s tank top away from her body, letting it land somewhere near their scrambling feet as they moved towards the hallway, her fingers dancing down Myka’s back trying to find the right angle to remove Myka’s bra, and as she finally found that angle, she pressed Myka’s back against the arch of the hallway, pulling the fabric away from her body, and tossing it aside. Myka sucked in a sharp breath as her naked back hit the cold of the wall and Helena bit down a little harder on her collarbone. Myka pushed off the wall, flipping them and pressing into Helena. She raked her nails down Helena’s sides, her fingers looping into the hook of Helena’s belt and flipping it open at the precise moment she let her knee fall against Helena’s inner thigh. Helena sucked in a tight breath, and her fingers which had been tracing mysterious patterns over Myka’s back stopped and stalled, her body unable to do anything but focus on the press of Myka’s knee so close, so intimately, so intoxicatingly close. Suddenly, Myka was back in the club the night of the band’s first show, when it was Helena’s knee against_ her _thigh and now she just wants to drown, because if she is making Helena feel in this moment, how she felt then, well, she never wants that feeling to end._

_She is quickly becoming convinced that she could never leave this apartment, if it meant she could spend the rest of her days making Helena dizzy and wanting and breathless, like she seems now. She bent to press insistent, open-mouthed kisses against Helena’s stomach, as one of Helena’s hands stole into her curls, tugging purposefully, while Myka watched in fascination as Helena’s other hand sought purchase on the arch of the wall above her head, her muscles flexing and tensing as Myka’s tongue tripped over dancing muscles. Myka couldn’t explain why, but the way Helena’s fingers gripped and tightened, the way her eyes were fluttering closed, the sighs and gasps coming out of her mouth with each movement of Myka’s mouth, it was too much and not enough, and before she could process what she was doing she was standing and sliding hands down to grip underneath Helena’s thighs, lifting purposefully, encouraging Helena’s legs to wrap around her waist as she carried her as fast as she could towards the bedroom._

**

Myka reached a stray, wet hand out of the shower, and vigorously hit the power button on the radio, giving her head a quick shake. She so did not have the time to be doing this right now, if she was going to spend all of her time focusing on the memories from last night, she might as well have stayed at Helena’s apartment, because the real thing would be much more preferred to the images in her head. She finished her shower quickly, trying not to pay attention to the subtle spots along her skin that still stung from Helena’s nails, the muscles that pulled a bit too much when she moved from stretching in ways they were no longer used to. She dried off refusing to look in the mirror, otherwise her eyes would trace to the few small spots where Helena left her marked simply by using her lips and her teeth. She did everything in her power to just _stop_ thinking. 

She pulled out the bags of Ethan’s presents from her closet, and wandered to the living room, settling onto the floor in front of the television with wrapping paper, scissors, and tape. She dumped out the bag of clothes, figuring she might as well wrap them first, he wasn’t going to pay attention to them anyway. He would more than likely take one look in the box and then distractedly hand it to Tracy, moving onto the next as though the clothes didn’t even exist. She held each piece up before she folded it, imagining his little blonde curls peeking out from the various articles clad in stripes and plaid that she had bought. She knew Tracy would accuse her of trying to turn her son into a nerd, but she didn’t care, because she knew he would look adorable in them, and that’s all that mattered. 

As she tucked the clothing into boxes, tracing tiny buttons and little, fake laces on shoes that were too ridiculously cute to pass up despite their price, her mind wandered to imagining Helena looking at tiny, pink dresses, little white booties, clothes with flowers and patterns, all for a daughter that she would never get to meet. Myka didn’t know how she did it, how she survived it, the weight, the pain of knowing that something that was once hers so intimately was gone without even a trace. She thought of Ethan, how her heart swelled every time he fell asleep in her lap, or threw his arms around her neck, and she couldn’t believe that Helena dealt with that loss every single day. That she had to watch everyone else around her swing their kids onto their backs, push them on swings, and hear their laughter, and think about the fact that _that_ life should have been hers. If Myka were her, she knew she would wear those scars on her sleeve, that they would be laid bare for all to see, but Helena just always seemed so together, so willing to _go on living._ Myka shook her head, ashamed, as she taped wrapping paper around the box of clothing, thinking about how poorly she had reacted to seeing Giselle the other night, how her own scars crept up and seared her skin as though they had just happened, how she let even the tiniest of incidents, the smallest hint of her past make her want to do nothing but stop and wallow and wonder how on earth she _could_ keep on living. She thought about Helena’s face when she found her at that table last night, looking so lonely, so worried, so afraid that Myka was slipping through her fingers. Myka sighed, how on earth was she going to keep herself from falling away from Helena when some days she didn’t know how to keep herself from falling apart altogether? Helena was always so _present_ with her, so ready to look at what they could be, and far too often, Myka was only half there, her mind still trapped in ghosts of the past. Yet last night, last night made Myka feel like she could get past all the scars, like she could be whole again, because the feeling of having Helena right _there_ , it was enough to make her think, make her believe that she could be in love with this woman until the end of time, and that was something that she never thought she could feel again.

Her cell phone ringing tugged her out of the darkness of her thoughts and back into reality. She chuckled, it was Tracy, most likely with a litany of errands for her to run before the party.

“Hey Trace.” Myka immediately pulled the phone away from her ear, met with an ear-splitting scream and four voices talking at once, “Trace? Trace!”

There was a sound of the phone being jostled and then a small rustle of static, until finally it was quiet, “Hey, sorry about that. God this place is a madhouse.”

“And the party hasn’t even started…what the hell is going on over there? What was that noise?”

“Ugh…that was the sound of what happens when my father-in-law thinks it’s smart to tease my son by taking away his stuffed animal when he has just woken up. Oh yes, by all means, tease the four year old who is barely awake and processing.”

Myka rolled her eyes, Kevin’s dad wasn’t exactly the most tactful of grandfathers, “Yikes, yeah that’s not a good idea. Think you’ll survive the day?”

“I have no idea, possibly not. Please tell me you’ll be here soon…”

“I just have to finish wrapping a few more presents then I am walking out the door.”

“Oh thank God…seriously Myka I do not want to end up killing my son’s grandparents at his own birthday party.”

“It would probably be highly ill-advised. Why are they there so early anyway?”

Myka could _hear_ Tracy’s eye roll through the phone, “They came in last night, figured they would save themselves the drive this morning. I swear Myka, if I did not love my husband…”

“I know, just breathe Trace. We’ll all be there soon, we can help calm the chaos.”

“Speaking of helping…” Here we go, Myka thought, “Can you do a couple of things for me on the way here?”

Myka bit back a chuckle, knowing it would not help the situation at all, “Sure. What do you need me to do?”

“Just a few things, nothing big, but can you stop and pick up the pizzas? They should be ready by the time you’re up here, and can you stop by a store and grab a couple of two liters? We completely forgot that, you know, the adults would need something to drink. We’re up to our ears in juice boxes, but I highly doubt that would suffice.”

“Hey I love a good juice box…”

“Myka…” Tracy had the tone she got when Myka knew it was time to back off.

“I’m sorry, I’m teasing. Yes, I can stop, not a problem, just shoot me a text of where the pizzas are and I’ll get them, and I’ll stop on my way out of town and get the drinks. Do I need to get you something a bit more _adult_ friendly for afterwards, or hell, for maybe during?”

Tracy let out a relieved laugh, “No, I am completely covered on that front, trust me.”

“It’s really going to be fine Trace.”

“I know, but I feel like this is the first birthday he’s really going to _remember_ and I don’t want it to be a total disaster.”

Myka sighed, propping her phone against her shoulder so that she could finish wrapping another present, “It won’t be, and seriously, as long as that boy gets a ton of toys, which he will, and is able to eat as much cake as he wants, which he will, then he’ll be happy. _Plus_ , he gets to see his Aunt Myka, which we all know is just about his favorite thing in the world, so it’s bound to be a good day.”

“Aunt Myka? Aunt Myka? Who on earth is that, because my son refers to no one I know as Aunt Myka.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I refuse to give credence to that nickname, no matter how much he loves it.”

“Get used to it big sister, he’ll be calling you it when he’s thirty, and we’re old and decrepit.”

“Yes, well, as long as I don’t go senile and start calling myself it, I’m good.” She glanced at the clock on the wall, “Ok Trace, if you have any hope of me getting there on time, I’ve got to go, so I can finish up here and get on the road.”

“Ok, go, go. I will see you in a bit. Oh and Myka?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. I’ll see you soon.”

The second that Myka had put her phone down it rang again. Distractedly, she picked it up, “What’d you forget Trace?”

“No, Myka, it’s Mom. What’s wrong with Tracy?”

“Nothing, nothing, I just got off the phone with her like two seconds ago is all. She needs me to run some errands before the party, I figured you were her remembering something else.”

“Ah, well of course, it wouldn’t be something Tracy planned without a little bit of chaos.”

Myka chuckled, “Real nice, Mom. Do you talk about me like this to her?”

“Oh wouldn’t you like to know? And I heard that chuckle, I know you agree with me.”

“Maybe…”

“And that is why you are my favorite daughter.”

“Uh huh, and I’m sure that’s exactly what you tell Tracy when she agrees with you about something crazy I’ve done. We know your games by now woman…”

“Whatever shall I do, my daughters, who are exactly like me, know _all_ my secrets, I am undone.”

Myka laughed so hard her phone slipped out of her hands, “Damn.” She scooped it back up, “Sorry about that. So dear mother, why are you calling?”

“Now you’re so desperate to get me off the phone you’re dropping it.” Myka just rolled her eyes and waited for her mother to continue. “Anyway, I was calling to see if you wanted to drive up this morning with me and your father.”

Myka just closed her eyes and shook her head, _speaking_ of her mother’s games. This was just an empty ploy to get her to spend more time with her dad, confined in a car for an hour and a half both ways, giving her mother plenty of opportunities to demand that they talk things out. Also, plenty of opportunities for her mother to not so casually mention Helena in an effort to make her tell her dad about their relationship. That was just not going to happen, at least not today. Inwardly Myka sent a thank you through the universe to Tracy for asking her to stay the night, “Actually, Mom, I can’t. I promised Tracy that I would stay over tonight since Kevin is leaving so early tomorrow, she wondered if I could stick around and help clean up tonight.”

“I don’t know why she scheduled this party if Kevin has this trip…”

“Mom…” Myka did not need her mother getting on Tracy today, it would just make her stress level worse, and none of them needed that.

“I know, I know. I’ll drop it. Alright, well, then I suppose we will see you there. When are you leaving?”

“As soon as this last present is wrapped.”

“Do I even want to know how many gifts you are bringing to spoil my grandson?”

“Probably not.”

Jeannie’s soft laugh trickled through the phone, “You, my dear, darling oldest child are insufferable.”

Myka took a deep breath, her mother knew what buttons to push even when she didn’t realize she was pushing them, “So I’ve been told… _repeatedly_.”

“Oh, I know _that_ tone. Helena’s finally figured out that little secret of yours, huh?”

Myka rolled her eyes, she _needed_ to hang up this phone, “The secret of my stubborn insufferablility? Yes, of that she is well, well aware, and now I’m hanging up the phone.”

“As if that will prevent me from continuing this conversation later…”

“Yes, but then I can simply throw Ethan in front of me and distract you with his cuteness.”

Jeannie sighed, “I will see you this afternoon…”

“Bye Mom!” Myka’s laugh carried through the phone as her mother hung up. She tossed her phone onto the couch, pulling the last present towards her. 

_Insufferable_ …God that word was just never going to be the same.

**

_Helena’s fingers reached up from where she was sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to tug Myka towards her while also trying to flip her belt open at the same time. Her finger got caught in the middle of the buckle, the leather simply refusing to budge from that angle. Her breath left her in an angst-filled groan. Myka stepped between her knees, brushing her hair back from her forehead with a chuckle, “What happened to patience?”_

_Helena gave a frustrated sigh and let her forehead come to rest against Myka’s stomach, trying to adjust her fingers so that they could tug and pull against Myka’s belt properly. She gave a rather hard tug, and Myka’s belt finally flung free of her jeans, “God, even your_ clothes _are insufferable. I swear you do this on purpose…”_

_Myka slid her fingers through Helena’s hair, “Oh yes, I train my clothes to be stubborn, to resist your every attempt to remove them from my body.”_

_Myka went to say something else, but just then Helena placed the lightest of kisses against her navel, her fingers moving from where they laid on the tops of Myka’s thighs to squeeze against her hips, and suddenly Myka found she had absolutely no words to say. Helena’s tongue traced around now quivering abdominal muscles, words whispered against suddenly flushed skin, “Were you saying something darling?”_

_Myka’s breath stalled in her throat, her fingers clenching slightly in Helena’s hair causing a moan to reverberate from Helena’s lips across her skin making her shiver involuntarily, “No…no I wasn’t”_

_Helena chuckled and began pressing insistent, hard kisses against Myka’s stomach, “I didn’t think so. Now…” cool, calm fingers slid down Myka’s stomach to loop and press at the button of her jeans, “maybe I can possibly persuade your jeans to not be as_ insufferable _as your belt.”_

**

Myka wasn’t really sure when the realization hit her. It might have been when she got in her car and realized she now had ninety minutes ahead of her, by herself. It might have been when she laid her hand against her gear shift, and half-expected to immediately feel a weight against it. It might have been when she was wandering around the store, trying to figure out what kind of pop to buy, and started wondering what she should, _would_ , get if Helena was with her. Regardless of when it happened or why it happened, Myka realized _forcefully_ that she wished Helena was coming with her to this party, that she simply wished Helena was just _there._

She didn’t know why, but immediately her mind stole to how Sam used to be at family parties. They had been together for so long that he saw his fair share of birthdays, Christmases, Thankgivings, graduations, and always he seemed to just _fit_ , sometimes better than Myka herself did. Somehow, he would manage to provide the perfect buffer between she and her dad, distracting him with talk about golf or something political, taking his side even if he disagreed wildly. Even when Myka and Tracy were at that awkward age gap where they were a little too alike and a little too different to get along for even a few minutes, Sam would slide in and make Tracy laugh, make her need to be an adult too soon ebb away slightly and she would relax and suddenly they would all be laughing and Myka would have no idea how it happened. Eventually, it had gotten to a point that Myka wanted Sam around for every family function because he just made things easier. Even after they had broken up, but had resumed talking, she dragged him to her mother’s sixtieth birthday party, because she wasn’t sure she could survive the entire day without him playing the middle man.

It had been so long since Myka had actually _wanted_ someone around that much, and this time she realized it wasn’t because she thought Helena would make a good buffer or because she figured she might be able to keep her dad from getting on her case, but it was simply because she wanted her around, with her. She wanted them to be at that place where it was just logical that they came to these things together, that they didn’t even have to ask, but that it was just how things were. She wondered in passing _if_ she should have asked Helena to come with her. Initially, this morning it hadn’t particularly crossed her mind, but then again she was tired and Helena was standing in front of her in nothing but a bathrobe so her brain wasn’t really functioning properly. Now though, driving in her car, alone, with nothing but her thoughts for company, she realized she should have asked, she wanted to have asked. She sighed, maybe next time. Then again, that would also mean having to tell her father about them, and well, that wasn’t exactly something she was looking forward to. It was one thing for her mom to know and for Tracy to know, but her dad would turn it completely inside out and into something that it absolutely wasn’t. He would pretend that he hadn’t heard her or scoff like it wasn’t that big of a deal, and then the _commentary_ would start in the form of small passing comments. First it would be that Helena was a singer. Then it would be that they hadn’t known each other very long. And then when he was feeling really primed and ready he would bring up Sam, and just look at how hurt she got when he started running around on the road. Somehow, her father always ended up being the one person unafraid to mention Sam to her, and when he did it was though he hadn’t died at all, but in fact was still just the cheating musician that had ruined his daughter’s life. Eventually, Myka had simply learned to deal with it, to anticipate it, and to ignore it, but she knew that if she had to start enduring her father’s barbs towards Helena, she wouldn’t be able to ignore it or deal with it at all. She knew though, that if she had any hope of moving forward with Helena, that last shoe would have to drop, her father would have to know, and feeling like she did now, wanting her to be coming to this party so badly, Myka’s stomach churned at the realization that that shoe was going to need to drop sooner rather than later. 

She sighed, passing a stray glance to the empty passenger seat, to where her hand sat alone on the center console, she could kick herself all she wanted about not inviting Helena, and then worry about what it meant that she wished she had invited her, but none of that was going to change the fact that she was in her car alone. She pushed, a little too vigorously against the buttons of her radio, and absent-mindedly rolled her shoulders, if she had the time alone, there was no reason why she couldn’t give herself the space to sink into the memory of last night a little bit. It actually might help get some of it out of her system before the party, where it wouldn’t do her any good to fall into a haze of distracted thought. She scrolled through her playlists, until she found what she was looking for. It might have distracted her in the shower this morning, but that didn’t make it any less of an appropriate song to get lost in.

_“All you think of lately, is getting underneath me…  
All I dream of lately, is how to get you underneath me…”_

Despite being alone, despite knowing that no one could read her thoughts, Myka couldn’t stop the blush that crept into her cheeks. It was all just way too appropriate. 

**

_Helena’s fingers skimmed up Myka’s newly bared legs, her jeans nothing but an out of sight pool of fabric in the corner. Myka closed her eyes, leaning further into the touch, swaying slightly under the feather-light traces. Helena’s lips continued to float over her stomach, light and careful, then suddenly hard and pressing. Myka wondered in passing how she was still physically capable of standing, and how despite being the one who had carried Helena in here, she was now the one completely at Helena’s mercy._

_She wasn’t used to this_ …wanting… _wanting someone else so much she was simply willing to wait and watch and_ feel _every movement, wishing each moment was longer than the last, imagining and hoping for how spectacular the moment would be when it got there. Usually, she was the one pushing and pressing and trying to move faster, mostly out of an insecurity that if things moved slowly it would allow for time to figure out that this wasn’t wanted, or possibly that she wasn’t doing something right, or maybe she didn’t look right, or any number of things that would tell her that she couldn’t possibly be wanted or needed or desired, but now she couldn’t help but sink into Helena’s slowness, her intentionality, her_ reverence, _as she moved and inched her way across her body._

_Helena stood slowly, fingers tracing along Myka’s ribs, over her chest, down her arms, “Darling, you are thinking far too much right now.”_

_Myka’s eyes opened slowly, “And you can tell that how?”_

_Helena’s tongue dragged along Myka’s collarbone, lips pressing against the tendons of her neck, “You just have this_ look _on your face, like you’re analyzing everything…”_

_Myka’s fingers skipped down Helena’s spine, pausing as she went to unhook Helena’s bra, dragging it away from her body, and letting it fall to the floor. Helena shivered under the contact, the sensation, and Myka chuckled, “Maybe I am, or maybe I’m just trying to memorize everything that’s happening right now, maybe I don’t want to forget one minute of you like this with me.”_

_Helena’s fingers curled into Myka’s hair, “Darling, you have a photographic memory, so whether you want to or not you_ are _going to remember every second of tonight without even trying. Therefore I know that isn’t it,_ and _as I said the look on your face kind of gives you away…so…Sleepy what exactly are you thinking about?”_

_Myka sighed, “It’s way too cheesy to say ‘you’ right?”_

_Helena chuckled, “Possibly… and though I’m not really sure that’s exactly the whole truth…I suppose…” Helena gasped as Myka’s lips pressed firmly against her neck, “I’ll allow it.”_

_“Good because,” Myka’s back arched as Helena’s fingers almost casually floated down her chest, sighing roughly, “because I really, really would like to stop talking.”_

_Helena arched an eyebrow, flexing her hands once, twice, watching as Myka’s lips parted and her eyes fluttered shut, “Permission to say one more thing?”_

_Myka squeezed fiercely against Helena’s hips, “Depends on what it is…”_

_Helena’s lips moved over hers, then down her jaw, whispering as she pressed insistent lips to Myka’s neck, “You, Myka Bering, are absolutely stunning.” Myka didn’t mean to roll her eyes, she definitely didn’t mean for Helena to_ see _her roll her eyes, yet she did and Helena did, and suddenly Helena was pulling away from her slightly, a look of intense seriousness on her face, “You really don’t get it do you? Do you really not know how absolutely irresistible you are?”_

_Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth and she looked down, away from Helena, away from how intent she looked, how much she looked like she wanted Myka to believe, to feel every word she was saying. Helena pulled her in tight, “Apparently, I’ve been woefully bad at letting you know how much I want you right now, how much I_ have _wanted you from the moment I first saw you…” Helena turned them quickly, Myka’s calves hitting the edge of the bed slightly before she collapsed onto the mattress with Helena’s entire body laid flush against her. Helena’s fingers palmed the side of her neck, her lips pressed softly into Myka’s, her words practically breathed onto Myka’s skin as her knee pressed against Myka’s inner thighs, “I guess I’ll just have to try harder…as long as you will just please, please…stop thinking…”_

_Myka’s eyes rolled again, but this time not out of insecurity, but out of pure desire. Her back arched involuntarily and she knew as she felt Helena’s lips nip behind her jaw that she was absolutely and completely done thinking._

_The way Helena moved against her was unlike anything she had ever felt before. Somehow, she was able to convey slow, mindful_ patience, _and fevered intensity all at once. Her hands knew where and how to press and push at just the right times to coax a litany of moans and whispers from Myka’s lips. It was more than Myka could handle and not enough all at the same time. Helena let her hands, her mouth, her very breath trace every inch of Myka’s body, revealing in every hitched breath, every gasp, every sigh of her name as they tumbled from Myka’s mouth._

_Helena let herself fall into the feeling of Myka beneath her, all the while not missing one single movement of Myka’s fingers across her back, against her hips, down the backs of her thighs, pulling and pressing her closer, tighter. Suddenly, it was all too much and Helena was too_ warm, _and she was moving from the bed, trying to skim her jeans from her legs as fast as humanly possible, but they were so damn tight, and her fingers were refusing to move properly, so it just wasn’t working._

_Myka, opening her eyes to figure out why Helena was no longer against her, saw Helena fumbling spectacularly and sat up quickly, stilling Helena’s hands where they were tugging against the fabric of her jeans. Myka moved Helena’s hands away, staring up at her as she moved the jeans slowly off of her legs, pressing soft kisses to the tops of her thighs as each new inch of skin was revealed. Helena’s fingers twirled around Myka’s curls, her lips tugging in a hesitant smirk at the feel of Myka’s lips against her skin. She let out a shaky breath as she stepped out of her jeans and kicked them to the side. She felt Myka’s fingers curling around her hips, pulling her back down onto the bed, against her body, moving and guiding enough for her to know exactly what she needed. Helena wanted to drown in Myka’s body, in the feel of it, the warmth of it against her skin, and suddenly her words from earlier about patience were skating through her mind to be blindly ignored as absurd, because she couldn’t handle it anymore, Myka moving and arching and sighing beneath her, her name spilling from Myka’s lips with every other breath. It was too much to have Myka this open and bare to her, so willing to be_ here _with her. Her hands moved almost of their own volition, fighting against a tugging nervousness in her mind, nervousness that she didn’t want to get this wrong, but that she just wanted it to all be so perfectly right, every move, every kiss. She fumbled for the briefest of seconds, but the sounds that came from the back of Myka’s throat at the insistence of her fingers gave her the weight of assurance that no matter what happened, fumbling or perfect, the two of them were_ right. _So, she stopped thinking and gave into moving with and against this woman who seemed to have been molded and made to fit with her own body, and so it was that with her thigh pressing and fingers curling, Helena wasn’t sure she had ever, or would ever, hear anything as intoxicating as a strangled, breathless cry spilling from Myka Bering’s lips, and now that she_ had _heard it, she knew that sound would be imprinted on her mind for the rest of her days._

**

Myka sighed as she pulled into a space in the parking lot of the pizza parlor Tracy had directed her to. She looked at the clock, she had a few minutes. She took in a deep, weighted breath, letting it out slowly as she leaned her head back against her seat. There was a part of her, a very small, near silent, part of her that was embarrassed by how open and willing and ready she had been last night, how close she had come at various points to simply begging Helena to go faster, to not move, to just stay there with her. In so many unknowable ways, last night was unlike anything Myka had ever experienced, and while the memory of that sent small shivers of excitement down her back, it also brought with it a loud, nagging _worry_. Because the truth was, not only was last night nothing of what she had ever experienced, _she_ had been completely different from how she ever was in these situations. She was usually always so weighed down by insecurity and worry, fear at fumbling, fear at wanting too much or not wanting enough, fear of falling short of expectations, fear of things being rote, all the time fear, fear, _fear_ , that to have been so unafraid with Helena, so willing to just exist and be and move with her, it terrified her. 

Sometime in the night, in between moments of sleep and moments of idle fingertips moving, she had realized that even with Sam, even when they were at their best, when they were in love and things were easy, things had never been like _this_. She knew deep down that she was always holding something back, born out of a past that sought to convince her that she wasn’t good enough, that she would always be lacking something, that she would always be left behind. Because of that she kept a tiny corner of her mind, her body, her very being to herself, never willing to give it away to anyone else, that way when the inevitable did come, when the pain took over, she still had a part of herself that was recognizable, a part that she had hoarded as a safeguard against completely falling apart. So, she had played her part, done and said the things she knew she was supposed to, and sometimes, it came very close to _feeling_ right, feeling like she was on the brink of completely letting go. Sometimes when Sam would look at her in just that way that made her almost believe that she was loved and that she was beautiful and that she was what he wanted, she would come to that line and try to convince herself to just give in and feel, but something always tugged her back at the very last second. Sam never really seemed to notice, whether because he didn’t want to or because he was simply too oblivious to recognize that every time they were together Myka was silently warring with herself practically every moment. 

Abigail had been the closest anyone had come to seeing it and calling her on it. She would see the look Myka got, the look that said she had come as far as she would go, but instead of pushing, Abigail would pull back with her, coddle her and let it all be too gentle and too lingering. She would let Myka ride that line and keep things careful and controlled. 

Helena though…Myka hadn’t even given her a chance to see that warring, to see that look, to see her hovering at that line, because last night that line had been obliterated beyond recognition. She had stepped over it without thought the moment that Helena had pressed her up against her apartment door, and she hadn’t given it another thought the rest of the night. It never even crossed her mind to hold back with Helena. It never crossed her mind that she _should_ hold back, and even in those brief moments of nerves and uncertainty, she knew she didn’t _want_ to hold back. So even when Helena questioned her over-thinking, Myka knew she wasn’t feeling like she usually did. _Yes_ , she had been thinking and she had been a little worried, but none of it ever came close to making her want to pull back, if anything worrying about how much it seemed as though Helena was worshipping her body made her want to push forward even more. Listening to Helena tell her she was wanted, for the first time in her life Myka believed it, _felt_ it, and maybe it was because she too wanted Helena so badly, or maybe it was because Helena was the first person to say it to her in a way that she actually believed, that she _wanted_ to believe. 

In those moments, those moments of Helena pressing against her muscles, whispering words of adoration and words just this side of filthy into her ear, ghosting kisses against overheated skin, She realized that she didn’t want to pretend or worry or play some part, not with this woman, not ever. She wanted to be herself, to be completely and totally there with her, letting Helena see her for all she was, even when part of what she was was insecure and a little fearful. 

It had all been so different, _she_ had been so different, and she realized that last night she had maybe caught a glimpse of who she was meant to be, without the games and the questions and insecurities. Helena had made her see, made her feel, how all of this was supposed to be, how freeing it could be when you were completely in the moment with someone. She thought about how she usually had tried to monitor her movements, her voice, her everything when she was with someone, tried to keep up that thin veneer of self-control that she had honed so well throughout her life that she didn’t know who she was without it. Yet last night was possibly the least controlled Myka had been in well over a decade, and it was easily one of the best nights she had ever had in the past decade. She flushed a little as the air in her car seemed to compress at the memory of how wantonly her body had moved underneath Helena, how willing she was to arch and press to guide her, letting her know what she wanted, what she _needed_. She thought about how unabashedly she had thrown caution, and clothing, to the wind, without an ounce of thought given to worry about seeming overzealous or impatient. Where she usually tried her best to stay quiet, to stay within her own senses, she knew she probably couldn’t even remember all the things that had escaped her lips last night, the pleas, the sighs, the soft, near silent cries of Helena’s name. Myka let out another overheated, deep breath, no there was nothing about last night that was even remotely recognizable with who she used to be, who she usually was.

And while there was such a huge part of that realization that thrilled her and gave her hope, hope that she and Helena were truly a new chapter in her life, something different, something she needed, something she had been searching for, there was another part, a part that though small, was loud and demanding of attention, that told her that all of this absolutely terrified her. Because the thing was, despite how much she reveled in being able to open up with Helena, she also knew that she had very real, very practical reasons for keeping _some_ of her walls up. Realizing that now there was no turning back, that they, that _she_ , had crossed a line she never imagined crossing, meant that if anything went wrong, if this fell apart, if she lost Helena, it would destroy her. She had told herself that she would never, _never_ open herself up to the possibility of that much pain again. She had barely survived it once, to go through it again, especially when she knew that how she felt for Helena was so categorically different from anything she had ever experienced, she knew she would never come back from it. It was _this_ feeling exactly, this panicked, chest-tightening _worry_ , that kept that line so definitively drawn for Myka, and sitting here in the bright light of realization, she didn’t know how she could have possibly let herself cross it so brazenly. _How_ could she open herself up to this again? _How_ could she let herself be so close to being so impossibly hurt again? She closed her eyes against the fear and darkness that was quickly creeping into her mind, letting the image of Helena dance across her eyelids, a stunning reminder of _why_. It had happened because she was uncontrollably in love with this woman.

**

“Trace?!” Myka knocked against the door as best as she could with her hands full of pizza.

The door finally opened but Myka couldn’t see anyone there, until she felt the full weight of a four year old body shoot against her knees, “Aunt Monkey!”

She sighed, shaking her head, Aunt Monkey…for the rest of her days, she was doomed to this nickname, all because Ethan couldn’t pronounce Myka when he started talking and Tracy decided it’d be “cute” to encourage him to call her something else. She did her best to feign frustration at Tracy, but secretly her chest expanded with love every time the words left Ethan’s mouth. She adjusted the pizzas in her arms as best she could, freeing one hand to seek out the top of Ethan’s head to ruffle his hair, “Hey Little Man.”

“Ethan!” Myka heard Tracy’s exasperated sigh, though she couldn’t see her sister wherever she was standing. “Ethan come here so Aunt Monkey can get in the house.” Myka heard a tiny, frustrated groan and then the quiet shuffle of feet. Tracy’s voice called out again, “Alright, you are now free to move about the doorway without fear of tripping over tiny humans.”

Myka made her way through the door where Kevin, thankfully, appeared out of nowhere to retrieve the boxes from her arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek and whispering, “Thank you for doing this Myka. It has been a _madhouse_ here this morning.”

Myka chuckled, “No problem. The pop is in the car, I’ll get it in a sec.” She turned back towards the living room, “Now, where on earth is the birthday boy, because I can’t find him?” Ethan giggled where he was standing right in front of her, as she idly pretended he was nowhere in sight. She sighed and put her hands on her hips, “Tracy where is your son? Has he disappeared? Is he going to miss his own birthday party?”

Another giggle, louder than the last, and then there were insistent fingers tugging at her knees, “Aunt Monkey, I’m right here!”

Myka looked down in mock surprise, “There you are! I swear I couldn’t find you. I _think_ you might have been invisible.” She scooped him up, tickling at his sides as she held him tight. 

Ethan squirmed and laughed delightedly, “You’re so silly Aunt Monkey.”

Myka propped him up in her arms so she could look at him, placing a kiss against his nose, “I know I am. So! I hear that it’s your birthday. How old are you?”

Ethan held up a hand, boldly presenting four fingers and declaring proudly, “Four!”

“Four! I swear I thought you were fifteen, maybe _twenty_.”

“I’m four!”

Myka squeezed him tight again, “I know silly.” 

She set him back down, and let him tug her into the hall, towards the kitchen, “Mommy made me a cake!”

“She did? Well that was awfully nice of her.” Myka paused next to Tracy and whispered, “And impressive that the house is still standing if you were anywhere near a stove.”

Tracy idly slapped at her shoulder, “Oh hush.” Then she wrapped Myka in a hug, “However, if my in-laws don’t stop driving me crazy, I may burn this place down voluntarily.”

Myka snorted a laugh, “It can’t really be that bad?”

Tracy just gave her an exasperated look, “You don’t even know…”

“Well, I’m happy to run interference if you need it.”

“Do not tempt me…”

“Trace, I’m serious. I’ll handle it, as long as you deal with Dad, I will play host to your in-laws all day long.” Myka tried to ignore the pained look Tracy gave her, and instead turned back towards Ethan where he was idly playing with trucks on the floor, “Hey Muscle Man, think you can help me bring in some things from the car.”

“Like presents?” Ethan’s eyes lit up.

Myka screwed up her face in consideration, “Maybe…”

Ethan practically slid across the floor as he tried to run as fast as he could for the door. Myka threw back her head in laughter, looking at Tracy, “Oh that boy is _absolutely_ your son.”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “You never know…”

Myka caught up with Ethan and helped him slip his shoes on, then brought him out to her car. She popped the trunk, then looked down at him skeptically, “Do you think you’re ready to see what’s in here?” He nodded enthusiastically. “Are you _sure?_ ”

“Yes!”

Myka chuckled, “Ok.” She picked him up and let him peer into the trunk where all of his presents were. 

He turned wide eyes to her, “Are those _all_ for me?”

“All but one Little Man.”

Ethan’s face fell into something like confused concern, “Who else gets a present?”

“Can you keep a secret?” Ethan nodded as Myka whispered, “I brought Mommy a present too.”

“You did? Why?”

Myka laughed, “Because Little Man, I thought she could use one.”

“Oh. Can we bring them inside now?”

Myka just shook her head and loaded up his tiny arms with as many presents as he could carry ,then pulled the bags of pop out of her back seat, and followed him back into the house, just in time to hear him yell, “Mommy, Aunt Monkey brought you a present!”

She rolled her eyes, she should have expected that. She dropped the bags of pop on the counter in the kitchen, as Tracy eyed her carefully. She shook her head and held up her hands, “I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

He appeared in the doorway, tiny fists balled up on his hips, “You said you brought Mommy a present!”

Myka sighed, “That I did, Little Man. I _also_ said it was a secret.”

“Oh,” he just shrugged his shoulders and turned to leave the room yelling, “I’m going to go play with Daddy.”

Tracy pushed a cutting board with vegetables on it towards Myka, “Here, you can help, while you also explain this _present_ business.”

Myka just kept her eyes down, and began chopping, “Like I said, no idea what he was talking about.”

“Well then, a change of subject. So…how’s Helena?”

Myka’s head lifted up quickly, “So I brought you a present!”

Tracy laughed and shook her head, but before she could say anything there was a knock coming from the living room, and they both heard their mother’s voice echoing through the house, “Knock knock!”

“We’re in the kitchen Mom!” 

Myka muttered to herself, “Possibly the first time ever, I am thankful for our parents’ arrival.”

Tracy stopped and leaned into the counter next to Myka’s shoulder, “This is simply a delay, because I will be asking that question again, and I _will_ be getting an answer.”

Jeannie burst into the kitchen, two casserole dishes across her arms, “Hello girls!”

“Hi Mom,” Tracy and Myka just rolled their eyes at each other at their unison voices.

“Mom,” Tracy heaved the dishes out of Jeannie’s arms, “I told you that you didn’t have to do anything.”

“Yes, well, it’s not much, but I wanted to help.”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “Where’s Dad?”

“Oh he went to the den immediately. Your father-in-law is watching golf, I swear it’s like he has a homing device that can _sense_ when it’s on a television somewhere.”

Tracy sighed, “Well, they can keep each other company. At least for a little while, people should be here soon.”

“Anything I can do?”

“Not really, we should be all set, unless you would like to help me needle relationship details out of your oldest daughter over there.”

Myka threw her head back with a groan, but Jeannie just came over and wrapped an arm around her waist, tucking a kiss to her cheek, “Hello Myka dear.”

Myka turned and hugged her, “Hi.”

Jeannie whispered into her ear, “Please tell me there isn’t a _reason_ we aren’t talking about Helena?”

Myka sighed, she could hear the concern floating underneath her mother’s seemingly carefree tone, “No, we’re good. She’s good. I just…I don’t feel like sharing every detail is all.”

Jeannie gave her a knowing smirk, “Part of me wondered if she would be here with you…”

Myka was amazed at how quickly she was able to come up with a response, “She had band practice this morning, and they’ve had kind of a big week, so she couldn’t really miss it.” Myka sighed, better to leave out the part where she hadn’t even _asked_ if Helena wanted to come with her.

“Ah, the life of a musician.” Jeannie looked as though she was going to say something else, but then Tracy was by her side pulling her attention away.

“Mom? I think Aunt Ann’s here…”

“Oh good! She was worried they weren’t going to be able to come…” Jeannie’s voice trailed out of the kitchen, talking animatedly to Tracy about all the various complications surrounding the rest of their family.

Myka shook her head and kept chopping vegetables distractedly. Her mother was going to ask her something else, but she couldn’t tell what, though she had a feeling she would be finding out before the party was over.

**

Luckily for Myka, it took longer than she expected for her mother to pull her back into any form of reasonable, rational conversation. Once people started flooding into the house, the entire afternoon gave way to the kind of organized chaos Myka knew Tracy had been half-dreading, half-expectedly awaiting. Everywhere Myka turned there were kids underneath her feet, chasing each other, popping balloons, shouting out to their parents. Ethan barely had time to notice any of them, too busy running and sweating and shouting and begging to open his presents. 

Myka nearly burst out laughing as she watched him do exactly what she had predicted hours earlier, giving the box of clothes a quick once over and a small shake, before promptly handing it to Tracy and declaring, “Clothes!” He turned a pathetic look to Myka, “Aunt Monkey did you buy me _any_ toys?”

She stifled a laugh behind her hand, “Keep opening Little Man, you might find a couple.”

He gave her a wide smile and dove back into his dwindling pile of presents. 

Eventually though, the inevitable happened. Ethan had sufficiently destroyed an entire corner of his cake, frosting now all over his fingers and his cheeks, and everyone was drifting off to their own corners to quiet their children down and enjoy their own slices of cake. Myka was leaning against the wall of the dining room, apart from the crowd, enjoying a few moments of silence, when her mom sidled up next to her, bumping lightly into her shoulder, “Estimate on how long it will take to properly remove all of the frosting from Ethan’s body?”

Myka chuckled, “Including his hair? At least an hour, and guess who will most likely get called upon for bath time?”

“Oh I don’t think there’s any doubt of that. Good luck.” Jeannie settled a soft look upon Ethan, smiling wistfully, “He’s such a sweet boy. I wish we got up here more.”

Myka nodded thoughtfully, “I know, me too. Maybe we can talk to Trace, try and plan an afternoon out, just the three of us and the little guy.”

“That would be nice, though he’s not so little anymore.”

Myka sighed, “That’s true. God, how did that happen? It feels like just yesterday he was barely crawling, now he’s running around like some mad man with a mind of his own.”

“They grow up fast.” Jeannie ran a light hand over the top of Myka’s head, “You _all_ do.”

“Mom…”

Jeannie swatted lightly at her shoulder, “Oh hush, allow your mother one moment of wistfulness, or if you would rather…we could discuss what we _nearly_ discussed earlier.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Wistfulness is _all_ yours mom.”

Jeannie shook her head, “Do you really think you can keep me from asking?”

Myka leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes to the reality of what was coming, “No, I suppose I should just resign myself to my fate.”

“Exactly. So, how _is_ Helena?”

Myka was powerless to stop the smile that took over her face, the small sigh that practically flew past her lips, “She’s good. She’s _really_ good.” In the back of her mind, Myka was impressed she was able to say that sentence without blushing.

“Things with you two are still…progressing? Is that the right word here?”

Myka laughed, “It’s as good of a word as any. Yes, things are progressing. We’re good. We’re happy.”

“You _look_ happy.”

Myka smiled, “Funny, you’re the second person to tell me that this week. Do I usually look miserable? Should I have a complex about this?”

Jeannie rolled her eyes, “No, you don’t look _miserable_ usually, you also don’t look like you do now. It’s different. You seem, I don’t know, more relaxed, more content. You’ve looked like that since Helena got to town. For those of us who love you, it’s quite nice.”

“Well, then I shall take it as a compliment.”

Jeannie hesitated before asking her next question, “So…you mentioned the band had a big week. What’s been going on?”

Myka knew her mother wouldn’t miss the look that crept into her eyes at the question, but she knew she couldn’t stop it, so she just talked through it, “They got approached by a potential manager. It seems like they should be well on their way to getting a demo ready, and once that happens, a record deal won’t be far behind, trust me.”

Jeannie arched an eyebrow, “They’re that good huh?”

Myka sighed, “They’re incredible.”

“Well, good for them then.” Jeannie eyed her daughter carefully, noticed the small furrow between her eyebrows, the tighter set of her jaw, “How are _you_ with that development?”

Myka didn’t even fight the response, her mother would see right through a lie anyway, “I don’t know really. I mean, I’m happy for them, because this is absolutely what they deserve, but at the same time…it scares me a little, what might happen with Helena and I if things start picking up for them. I mean, I of all people, know how life gets once that ball starts rolling, and well, it doesn’t really leave much room for anything else.”

“Oh honey, you somehow managed to graduate college and keep up a second job, while recording an album, plus…maintained a relationship…” Jeannie mumbled the last bit, wishing she didn’t have to say it, but knowing she needed to.

“Yes, and look at how well that went once things got crazy.”

Jeannie tugged a gentle hand against Myka’s elbow, encouraging her to turn towards her, “Myka, this situation is not _that_ situation. I’m sure it feels like it, but it isn’t. You two will make it work.”

Myka’s bottom lip curled under her teeth, eyes darting away from her mother’s, “I hope so.” Her hand strayed from her waist and instinctively ran up to rub against the back of her neck, not even giving a second thought to why that gesture might have been a bad idea in front of her mother.

Jeannie grabbed her hand, “Myka, what on earth did you do to your hand?”

Myka knew she jerked away too fast to make any response plausible, but she managed somehow. She pulled her hand away, waving it idly, “It’s nothing. I got an early delivery at the store this morning, as I was bringing in one of the boxes I accidentally dragged it against one of the door frames. It’s fine.”

Jeannie shot her a skeptical look, but instead of saying anything simply pursed her lips, and allowed herself to be pulled away by Tracy to help her with something in the living room.

As she watched her mother shoot her another look over her shoulder, Myka sighed, eyeing her hand carefully. She didn’t care if her mother believed her or not, boxes at the store was the _only_ story she was going to get, because telling her mother how her hand really got like that? That wasn’t going to happen.

**

_Myka knew she should have anticipated it, because most of the time Helena was a veritable ball of energy, never truly ceasing to move, even when she was sitting still. She always seemed to bristle with this kind of anxious readiness, anticipating the next thing, the next idea, the next moment. It was part of what made her such an intoxicating lead singer, she kept an audience’s attention with all of her focused_ movement. _However, given their current position, Myka was strongly starting to consider all of Helena’s moving a hazard._

_She stifled a laugh against Helena’s neck, nipping slightly at her pulse, as she pressed her hands against Helena’s twitching hips, “Is your goal to simply send me flying off of this bed? Am I so bad that you are desperate to get me to move?”_

_Helena sucked in a shaky sigh, hands gripping against Myka’s shoulder blades, “I will confess to wanting you to_ move. _However, for the absolute opposite reason of the insanity you just blurted out.”_

_Myka felt a small shiver run down her spine, though she was unsure if it was from the tone of Helena’s voice or from the grip of her hands against her shoulders. She shifted purposefully, letting her hips_ press _at just the right angle to make Helena gasp, her words whispered against Helena’s ear, “So you want me to_ move, _huh? That’s why you’re fidgeting uncontrollably? Trying to encourage me to give you want you want?” Another shift of her hips, another moan from Helena’s throat, “Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”_

_Helena’s head tilted back, offering more of her neck up to Myka’s seeking, wanting lips, eyes rolling at the timbre of Myka’s voice. She twitched again, though this time purposefully, and with a little bit more force to make Myka slip slightly off of her body, “You, Myka Bering, are…”_

_Myka didn’t let her finish, instead she pressed a light, barely there kiss to her lips, and whispered, “Let me guess?” as she began to slide purposefully down Helena’s body. She heard Helena’s breath hitch, as she moved, and she heard her let out some kind of strange mixture of a sigh and a gasp, as Myka slowly placed a leg over her shoulder. Myka breathed the last word against the skin of Helena’s thigh, “Insufferable?”_

_Helena’s only response was to grip Myka’s hand where it rested on her hip, and let out a groan, though Myka couldn’t tell if it was born out of frustration or of pleasure._

_The only way she was able to finally put an end to all of Helena’s moving was by keeping an arm draped across her abdomen, but Helena made up for the lack of movement by keeping a firm, mind-numbing grip on her hand where it laid possessively across her. Myka tried to focus, but was finding it unbelievably difficult between the feel of the muscles of her hand tightening and the utterly distracting, but marvelous sound of her name drifting out of Helena’s mouth in husked, wanting sighs. As her eyes rolled for what felt like the hundredth time at the sound, she pulled back slightly and whispered, “I’m not going to be able to concentrate if you keep saying my name like that.”_

_Helena’s throaty chuckle met her ears, “It is precisely your_ concentrating _that is causing it, therefore I believe you’re out of luck darling.”_

_Myka pressed a kiss to Helena’s thigh, “Well, I_ could _stop_ concentrating _as much as I am.”_

_Myka had to bite her lip in an odd mixture of pain and desire as Helena’s nails dug into the top of her hand, dragging slightly, as she sighed out, “Don’t. You. Dare.”_

_Myka placed another kiss to Helena’s other thigh, “How can I resist when you ask so very politely?”_

_Helena sighed, “You can’t.”_

_Myka chuckled, feeling the vibrations of it move up Helena’s muscles, “Concentrating it is then.”_

_Later, as Helena reclined back in Myka’s arms, the sheets barely pooling around their waists, she ran an idle finger over Myka’s hands where they laid against her stomach. Myka tried to hold it back, tried to focus, but she couldn’t stop the wince that pushed out of her lips and the slight twitch of her hand indicating a desire to pull back from the touch. Helena turned to her quickly, and noticing the look on her face, gently raised Myka’s hand up so she could see it. Three small red lines met her gaze, “Oh darling, I am so sorry.”_

_Myka chuckled, rattling both of their bodies, and pressed a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, “It’s really not a big deal. It doesn’t hurt, it’s fine.”_

_Helena turned to offer an incredulous look at her, “You winced when I touched it.”_

_Myka rolled her eyes, “You caught me off guard that’s all. Seriously, Swagger, it’s fine. Completely and totally fine. It will probably be gone by the morning anyway.”_

_Helena resumed her reclined position, placing a soft kiss against Myka’s wounded hand, “I hate to tell you this, but it technically is already morning.”_

_Myka pinched at Helena’s waist, “Geez, you scratch me and now you’re teasing me. I swear I should just get out of this bed…”_

_Helena tightened Myka’s arms around her waist, leaning back and pressing a kiss to Myka’s lips, “You aren’t going anywhere. Teasing or not.”_

_Myka shrugged her shoulders and settled deeper into the cushions, holding Helena tighter, “I guess I am rather comfortable at the moment. I suppose I can stay where I am.”_

_Helena leaned her head back against Myka’s shoulder, “I wouldn’t want you anywhere else darling.”_

**

“Aunt Monkey, will you put this together?”

Myka gave her head a shake to bring herself out of the far-flung reaches of her imagination and back into the reality that was her nephew tugging at her pant leg holding up a new toy that looked like it had more parts than were necessary for something a four year old could play with. She smiled down at him, then kneeled down to his level, taking the toy in her hands and turning it over to examine it. She eyed him carefully, “Hmm, I think I can, but I will probably need a lot of help. Do you think you can give me a hand?”

Ethan beamed at her, “Sure!”

“Ok, let’s go ask Daddy where his screwdriver is.” 

Ethan’s tiny hand slipped into hers as they searched out Kevin, who had escaped to the den for a few moments of solitude with his dad in front of the TV, though in his defense his solitude included am entire pile of Ethan’s new toys that he was methodically putting together with care. Ethan bounded up to Kevin, “Daddy we need your stuff!”

Kevin scooped him up over his shoulder giving him a playful shake, “You need my stuff? What stuff?”

Through fits of giggles, Ethan screamed, “Aunt Monkey, tell him!”

Kevin sat him back down and turned to Myka, “My son claims you’re in need of my stuff…”

Myka held up the box in her hand, “You missed one, do have a screwdriver down there with you?”

Kevin held it up, “Never put toys together without it.”

Myka took it, then slumped onto the floor next to Kevin, Ethan tucked up between them, eyes huge with anticipation for all of the toys in front of him. Ethan kept up a steady stream of commentary about all the things he was going to do with all of his new stuff, never letting Kevin or Myka speak. At the smallest lull in the conversation, a voice piped in from a far corner of the room. Myka hadn’t even noticed he was in here, but her dad made his presence known quickly, “You spoil that boy, you know that?”

Myka rolled her eyes, she wasn’t sure whether his comment was meant for her or for Kevin, but she didn’t particularly care, “It’s his birthday dad…”

“And now all he will expect is a pile of presents every time.”

Kevin’s voice rang through the room, clear and calm, though Myka could detect an undercurrent of annoyance, “Warren, he’s sitting right here, maybe this isn’t the best time.”

Myka watched her dad wave a dismissive hand, “He needs to learn life isn’t always like this, parties and presents and whatever he wants.”

Myka opened her mouth to say something, but Kevin placed a discreet, halting hand against her elbow. He gave her a subtle shake of his head, and spoke instead, “Well, Trace and I think we’re teaching him that pretty well, and he hasn’t disowned us yet, so I think we’re doing ok.”

Myka knew it was a brilliant tactic, the slight teasing and downplaying of the tension, and usually if you just mentioned Tracy around their father, he would ease back, never wanting to criticize anything she did. It grated at Myka, the glaring difference between his treatment of them, but in this situation, she didn’t care, if it could keep him from going off on one of his tangents in front of Ethan, whom she knew listened to every single word they all said. For a moment she thought it had worked, Kevin resumed placing batteries into a toy, and she returned her attention to undoing on of the many twist ties holding Ethan’s new train to the box, but then she heard it. It was a mumble and spoken under his breath, but still clear enough to be heard, “Yeah, well, sometimes you think you’re doing ok, and your kids still end up being unrecognizable to you.”

Kevin whispered under his breath, hand clenching once again around Myka’s elbow, “Do not engage, Myka. You know he’s doing it on purpose.”

She took in a deep, shaky breath. Kevin was right, and she didn’t want to do this in front of Ethan. She tried to focus, asking Ethan questions about where he wanted to set his train up, about how he could help her get the lights working, anything to distract her. Her father, however, was relentless, “You do all you can, and then one day they end up a completely different person than you ever expected. Watch out Kevin, one day that little boy could grow up to be something you didn’t plan on.”

Kevin turned a forced, fake smile to Warren, “As long as he’s happy, I think we’ll be alright with however he turns out.”

“Happy…” Warren spoke the word with a scoff, like it was a meaningless joke. “As long as they’re _happy_. Until happy means throwing their life away and keeping their father in the dark about half of it.”

Myka couldn’t take it, “Dad, is there something you would like to say to me? Even if it is in front of your grandson?” She didn’t look at him, and she didn’t let her tone convey her anger, continuing to concentrate on helping Ethan turn the screwdriver to open up the compartment for the batteries.

“The three of you think you’re keeping this big secret, but I know you’re seeing that woman.”

Myka’s chest tightened, of all the things she was expecting him to say, it was not that. She bit the inside of her lip, this _certainly_ was not a conversation to have in front of Ethan, or Kevin’s father, who was quietly, discreetly focusing on the television, for that matter. She took a deep breath, she might as well try to just diffuse the situation with the truth, “Yes, Dad, I am, and her name is Helena, if that even matters.”

“I don’t care. You could have told me, instead of keeping your mother and your sister bound to some great secrecy. I heard the three of you whispering about it earlier in the kitchen.”

“You’ve made it perfectly clear what you think about Helena dad, and about me, therefore I didn’t really think it would make any difference to you who I was seeing. All you would focus on is the fact that she’s a singer and then all I’d hear is how I’m throwing my life away, _yet again_.”

Warren’s voice came out tight and laced with anger, “I just figured you would have learned from your mistakes by now.”

Myka turned a bright smile to Ethan, “Little man, can you go ask your mom to come here? I need her help with this toy.”

Ethan looked at her questioningly, then shrugged his shoulders, “Sure.” 

Kevin’s dad stood up from the couch, looking extremely uncomfortable, “I’ll help you find her buddy.”

Myka waited until they had both left the room, silently thankful that Kevin was staying put right by her, unwilling to leave her alone in this situation that was on the cusp of getting out of control. When Myka finally looked at her father, she was met with the look she had been seeing for what felt like her entire life, disappointment, resignation, anger. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of riling her up, not today, “Sam was not a mistake, and I resent you implying he was. One would think you could show a little bit of respect for the man who always treated you with respect, even when you didn’t deserve it. One would also think you would show a little consideration for the fact that he is gone, and maybe that’s still hard for me. And whether you choose to think so or not, Helena isn’t a mistake either. I didn’t tell you for this exact reason. You’ve lost the right to care about my life, about who I choose to spend it with. So, no, I didn’t tell you I was seeing Helena, because I don’t think you need to know a single thing about my life, since it is clearly such a disappointment to you.”

“All I’m saying Ophelia is that I told you a long time ago that you would get your heart broken with Sam, and that’s exactly what happened. And yet, _here you are_ , in the exact same position, with another _singer_ who will do the exact same thing to you that he did.”

“Dad!” Tracy’s voice rang through the room, harsh and shocked. She stalked into the room, Ethan in her arms, looking like a woman possessed, “Myka, why don’t you and Ethan go get something to drink? Then you can come back and finish putting all these toys together.” Myka stood as Tracy quickly hefted Ethan into her arms and pushed her towards the door with a whispered, “Just let me handle this.”

Myka walked out the door and put Ethan down, leaning to whisper to him, “I’ll race you to the kitchen…” His eyes lit up and he took off down the hall. Myka stayed put, just outside of view from anyone in the den. 

Tracy’s words were muffled because she was half-whispering, but Myka could hear most of it clearly, “You don’t get to do this today. Not at my son’s birthday party, and certainly not when Myka is happier than any of us have seen her in years. You don’t get to talk about Helena and you sure as hell do not get to bring up Sam. Jesus Christ Dad, sometimes I don’t know who the hell you think you are.”

“I’m her _father_ Tracy Ann, and it would do you well to remember I am yours as well.”

“Yeah, well, most of the time father’s tend to be supportive of their kids’ happiness. Leave her alone, and I swear to God, if I hear you mention Helena one more time today, I will make you go home.” 

Warren scoffed, “You talk as though she actually cares what I have to say. You know, as well as I do, that what I say doesn’t mean anything to Ophelia.”

Myka could practically hear Tracy’s jaw drop, “Wow, you really are oblivious aren’t you? Dad, what you say means _everything_ to her. If it didn’t then you wouldn’t be able to get a rise out of her like you just did. If you think…God I can’t believe this…if you think that she doesn’t listen to every damn thing you say, then you’re crazy.”

Myka heard Tracy’s steps coming closer to the door, and she turned quickly speeding towards the kitchen to catch up with Ethan. Tracy would read her the riot act if she knew she had hung back to listen. 

When Tracy made her way into the kitchen it was to find Myka standing in front of the open refrigerator door. Ethan’s legs stuck out horizontally behind Myka, where she was trying to keep him balanced, as he tried to practically haul himself _inside_ the refrigerator. She went up behind them and tickled his feet, “What are you doing son of mine?”

He didn’t even look at her, just muttered determinedly, “Chocolate milk.”

Myka rolled her eyes at her, “He is your son and he is _determined_ to find the chocolate milk he claims you have hidden in here.”

Tracy chuckled and reached around both of them, pulling a small container of chocolate milk out of the back, “He is too smart for his own good. Here mister man, go see if grandma will give you some of that.” She looked over her shoulder, “Mom!” She pointed to where Ethan was walking slowly with the container gripped between his hands, like it was the most precious thing in the world. Jeannie just smiled and held her arms out to him and propped him on the counter while she pulled a glass from the cupboard.

Tracy turned back to Myka who was still staring blankly into the refrigerator. She wrapped an arm around Myka’s waist, standing on her tiptoes to place her chin against Myka’s shoulder, “I didn’t realize that all the answers to all of your problems were inside my refrigerator.”

Myka chuckled, “Simply looking for a little bit of a stronger option than chocolate milk.”

“ _That_ is in the refrigerator in the garage, and it will have to wait until this party is over, then it is all yours and I will most definitely be joining you.”

Myka sighed and pulled out a bottle of water, “Sounds good. I guess it wouldn’t be a party without a little familial chaos.”

Tracy pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “True. You going to be ok?”

“Eventually…when I learn not to care so much.”

“Good luck with that big sister…you’ve been working on _that_ for almost twenty years.”

“Don’t remind me…”

Tracy gave her a small squeeze, “It isn’t worth it, Myka. Please do not let him ruin today for you, and please close my refrigerator or I will send you my electric bill.”

Myka stifled a laugh against the top of Tracy’s head, kissing her lightly, “One of those things I can most definitely do.” She closed the refrigerator with a snap, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. The only way she was going to survive the rest of the afternoon was if she just let her mind drift to _better_ things, and thankfully she and Tracy’s moment in front of the refrigerator was the perfect motivation to remember much, _much_ better things.

**

_Myka pressed a kiss to Helena’s temple, wondering how on earth she had found herself here, arms wrapped around this insanely gorgeous women, tangled up in sheets, and more content than she could remember being in years, possibly ever._

_Helena leaned into the feel of Myka’s lips against her skin, her muscles sinking into a weighted tiredness. She wrapped her arm tighter around Myka’s where it lay across her waist, “May I ask what you’re thinking about now darling?”_

_Myka chuckled, speaking into Helena’s hair, “Am I allowed no secrets? Are not even my thoughts my own anymore?”_

_“Keep all the secrets you want Sleepy, that doesn’t mean it will keep me from asking.”_

_Myka sighed contentedly, “If you must know I was thinking about how happy I am, and that I truly have no idea how we ended up here.”_

_“Well, I could give you a play by play of the night’s events, but it might take awhile…”_

_Myka pinched Helena’s wrist, “See this is why I don’t tell you what I’m thinking, because when I do you somehow find ways to tease me mercilessly.”_

_“Consider it a natural consequence of you having a tendency to render me rather speechless when you say things like that darling.”_

_“You? Speechless? Impossible…”_

_Helena’s chuckle shook them both, “I suppose I deserved that.” She lapsed into a careful silence, deciding how best to put her next words, hesitant to say too_ much, _but knowing that it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as saying too_ little, _“Myka…I never imagined, never thought it would be possible for us to actually be_ here, _and so I honestly have no idea how it’s happened, but what I do know is I am shamelessly happy that this is where we are.”_

_Myka felt a slow shiver run up her spine. She had so many things she wanted to say,_ needed _to say to this woman, and now seemed like the right time, but she found she couldn’t quite form the words, so instead she simply tucked her fingers underneath Helena’s chin, urging her to turn towards her, pressing their lips together softly but fiercely. She hoped that maybe Helena would simply_ know _what she wanted to say, without actually saying them out loud. They parted and Myka immediately placed her lips against Helena’s again, light and quick, “I’m going to go get something to drink, do you want anything?”_

_Helena smiled against her lips, “Water, if you’re offering.”_

_Myka eased Helena up, reveling a bit in the pathetic groan she made at losing the contact between their bodies as she gracelessly collapsed back down into the pillows. Myka untangled herself from the sheets and ran a hand through her curls, which she was sure were absolutely unruly. She smiled back at Helena, “You’re going to be asleep before I even get back…”_

_“Possibly,” Helena mumbled into the pillow, “all the more reason to not be gone too long.”_

_Myka stood in front of the refrigerator letting the cool air wash over her overheated skin. She felt tingly and limp, every nerve ending still feeling the phantom presence of Helena’s fingertips and lips. She shivered slightly and moved to pull out two bottles of water from the back of the top shelf, only to feel even colder fingers slide around her waist, warm lips pressing against the nape of her neck. She leaned back into the touch, the water a long gone thought, “This is definitely not you falling asleep before I get back.”_

_Helena chuckled and pressed a harder kiss to the back of her neck, “You were gone far, far too long darling.”_

_Goosebumps rose over Myka’s skin, though they had little to do with the open refrigerator door, and everything to do with where Helena’s fingertips were dancing over her stomach. She sighed shakily, “I was gone for all of two minutes.”_

_“Like I said, far, far too long…”_

_Myka turned in the embrace, letting the door fall closed behind her, helped along by her back which was quickly pressed up against it, “I thought you wanted me to get you something to drink.”_

_Helena shrugged, lips pressing into Myka’s collarbone, “It can wait. I would much prefer it if you would come back to bed.”_

_Myka gasped at the press of Helena’s lips, at the movement of her fingertips treading slowly below her navel , “I suppose I can do that,” and allowed herself to be pulled back towards the bedroom._

**

Jeannie found her lying on the bed in Tracy’s guest room where she had told herself she was allowed ten minutes of wallowing and frustration, and then she _had_ to return to the party. Her ten minutes had ended ten minutes ago, and yet she remained where she was, lying prone, unwilling to move. She felt the bed dip next to her. She barely lifted up the arm she had draped over her eyes, she knew it was her mother, it would be no one else, “Hi Mom.”

“You’re hiding darling daughter.”

Myka groaned, “I prefer to call it purposefully avoiding chaos.”

“Ethan was asking where you went. We told him you would be back soon, he was highly displeased.” Myka’s body shook with silent laughter, but she remained unmoving. She heard her mother take a deep breath, and she knew what was coming, “Your sister might have mentioned to me that you and your dad had a bit of an _issue._ ”

Myka rolled her eyes, and finally moved her arm, though she still avoided meeting her mother’s gaze, “I wouldn’t really say _we_ had an issue, more like _he_ decided to make an issue out of absolutely nothing.”

Jeannie shook her had, looking for all intents and purposes like a woman lost, “I don’t know why he does this Myka. I’m sorry.”

“Mom, _you_ have nothing to be sorry for, and you know exactly why he does this. You know it’s gotten worse since I refused to take over the business. You know it’s gotten worse since Sam. He thought that with Sam gone, my life would reorient to how he thought it should go, and since it didn’t, well this is his way of showing his disappointment in that.”

Jeannie grimaced, “You make it sound so rational, but I know it upsets you Myka. If it didn’t you wouldn’t be in here purposefully avoiding chaos.”

“I just wish that he didn’t take issue with every single thing I do. If it was just the store, or if it was just that I stayed with music, relatively, I could handle it, but when he lights into my personal life too…I just, I can’t take constantly being made to feel like nothing I do is good enough.”

“He had no right to bring up Helena, Myka, none whatsoever, and I _am_ sorry that Tracy and I teasing you about it is how he found out…”

Myka sighed, “It’s fine. It’s probably better that way, helps me avoid having an actual conversation with him about it.”

Jeannie tucked one of Myka’s ever wayward curls behind her ear, “I hope you know Myka that I support you, that I love what you have done with your life. I hope you realize how proud I am of you, and how unbelievably happy I am that you have Helena.”

Myka curled her hand into her mom’s where it was lying on the bed, giving it a squeeze, “I know Mom. It’d just be so much easier if everything wasn’t a fight with him. If he could just support even this one thing, it would be _so much easier_.”

“I take it that means I shouldn’t be expecting Helena at family dinners anytime soon?”

Myka couldn’t stop the shout of laughter that left her lungs, “Wow, no, probably not. If you think _I_ have a problem biting my tongue, you really, really don’t want to witness a pissed off Helena.”

Jeannie patted her hand, “Well then maybe that is all the more reason to convince your sister of a girls day out, that way you can bring Helena and I don’t have to lose my illusion of what a sweet girl she is.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “She would laugh at you right now if she knew you just called her sweet.”

“Leave me to my delusions child, at least for a little while.”

Myka held her hands up in surrender, “I’m not saying another word.”

Jeannie sighed, eyeing Myka carefully, she looked so defeated, so worn out, so hurt. She ran the back of her hand against her cheek, “You look tired, my Myka. I hope you aren’t working too hard.”

Myka smiled slightly at her mom’s touch, “Just an early morning coupled with a late night. We had Claudia’s birthday party last night…so I will admit I’m starting to fade.” It wasn’t exactly a _lie_ , but it certainly wasn’t the whole truth either.

“Well, people are starting to filter out, soon it will be just you, Trace, Kev, and the kid. Hopefully then, you can all get some sleep, but until then you should really come back out and assuage your dear nephew’s fear that you have disappeared.”

Myka stretched and stifled a yawn, “As you wish dear mother.” 

Jeannie pulled her up off the bed, “Claudia is going to have to stop keeping you up so late. I may have to have a talk with that girl.”

Myka just nodded. It was much, much simpler if her mother thought it was Claudia who was to blame for Myka’s exhaustion.

**

_Myka watched as Helena’s chest rose and fell, hearing her breath coming deeply and calmly. She looked so peaceful, a small smile stolen across her face in sleep, and for what felt like the hundredth time that night Myka wondered how on earth any one person could be so impossibly beautiful. She sighed, she knew she should be sleeping too, she_ wanted _to be sleeping, because she knew as each minute ticked by her alarm crept ever closer. However, her mind had no interest in letting her sink into Helena’s arms and sleep, instead it was pulsing with energy and thought, and swirling words through her subconscious, and she knew sleep would remain elusive until she got them down on paper. She pulled back the sheets carefully, with each movement turning back to make sure that Helena was still comfortably asleep. She padded out of the room, idly grabbing Helena’s robe that was draped across a chair in the corner and throwing it over her bare shoulders._

_She turned on a small lamp near the couch, and looked around in hopes of finding her purse. She had absolutely no idea where it had landed when they got to the apartment. When she saw it she had to bite back a laugh, because she suddenly remembered the moment when Helena pulled it from her shoulder and flung it into the corner by the closet. She knelt down and extracted her journal from it and curled herself into a corner of the couch, letting her mind drift to the words that were nagging at the corners of her thoughts, and let them take over. She wrote without structure or organization, just trying to get the words down on paper. She could worry about putting them together into something resembling coherence later, for now she just wanted them out of her head so she could sleep. Her mind filtered through images of the last few hours, letting them fill her and translate into words for just how this entire night, this entire_ thing _with Helena made her feel._

_She sank further into the cushions, scribbling and scratching and crossing out and rewriting. She was so lost in her own words that she didn’t hear the footsteps creeping down the hall, didn’t notice the shadow that crept over the wall, didn’t hear the soft, incredulous exhalation of breath, didn’t notice anything until arms snaked around her neck. She closed her eyes to the warm press of lips against her cheek and whispered words, “Sleepy, what on_ earth _are you doing?”_

_Myka tugged Helena’s arms out from around her, and pulled her towards the couch, where she quickly settled against Myka’s side, head tucked against her shoulder. Myka pressed a kiss to her forehead, “My mind has a tendency to not let me sleep if there are lyrics to be written.”_

_“Lyrics? It is 4:30 in the morning.”_

_“Yeah, my brain tends to not care about time. Sam and Abigail used to tease me about it all the time, they said I enjoyed letting my lyrics keep me up at night.”_

_Myka felt Helena’s smile against her neck, felt her breath dance across her skin, “And what lyrics are keeping you up this lovely evening darling?”_

_Myka chuckled, “Ah, now that is a secret I will insist that I keep.”_

_“That seems wildly unfair.”_

_“Oh and why is that?”_

_Helena gave her a small smirk, “Seeing as I am now being kept awake by said lyrics as well, it seems only fair that I get to see what they are…”_

_Myka pressed a swift kiss to that smirk, “Nice try Swagger, still not going to happen.”_

_“Insufferable as ever. Can I at least ask why tonight of all nights there are lyrics running around your head?”_

_“It’s highly possible that someone presented me with a lot of inspiration…”_

_Helena smiled softly, “So I don’t even get to see lyrics that were written about me. You are a cruel woman Myka Bering.”_

_Myka pulled her closer, “Now who said that_ you _were that someone? Maybe I’m writing a great ode to Claudia’s birthday.”_

_Helena rolled her eyes, “Oh yes, I’m sure that’s what it is.”_

_“You never know…I’m wildly unpredictable. However, I suppose it is late, or early I guess, and it would be mean to tease you, so what I will say is that someday Swagger you_ will _see this song, but only after it’s ready.” In her mind, Myka knew that the real truth of that statement was that Helena would only see it when she was ready to show it to her, when she wasn’t absolutely terrified by the words she had just written out, when she didn’t feel slightly panicked at the depth of emotion that had poured out of her after one night together, but that wasn’t information Helena needed right now._

_Helena smiled and kissed her cheek, “I shall anxiously await that day darling. Now, are there more words in that brilliant mind of yours to keep you awake or can I possibly convince you to come back to bed and sleep?”_

_Myka took a deep breath, wondering. She closed her journal and tossed it onto the coffee table, “Sleep sounds spectacular.”_

_Helena pulled her back into the bedroom, where they both sank quickly back into the covers. Myka immediately fell into place, curled around Helena’s body, realizing that_ this _place was where she was happy and content, with an arm tight around Helena’s waist, head nestled against her neck. Helena was almost immediately back to sleep, and Myka drifted quickly, but not before her thoughts trickled back through the words she had just written leaving her wondering how on earth she had gotten in this deep, this fast, and why that simultaneously terrified her and made her happier than she could remember being in years._

**

“So the kid is in bed?” Tracy graciously handed Myka a glass of wine as she sank onto the couch.

“A bath, twenty minutes of frosting extraction from his hair, two bedtime stories, and a goodnight kiss for Mr. Elephant later, yes the kid is in bed,” Myka sighed, running a hand through her curls.

“I swear he makes us kiss that elephant every night. You have created a menace dear sister.”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “Eh, I say totally worth it.”

“Thank you for taking care of him. It gave Kev and I a chance to unwind a bit, make sure he’s ready to leave tomorrow morning.”

Myka took a long sip of wine, “No problem, that’s why I’m here. So I take it Kevin is also already in bed?”

Tracy nodded, “He has to be at the airport by 4:30, so yes, most definitely in bed, already asleep.”

Myka watched as a twinge of pain crept into Tracy’s eyes, “How long is he gone?”

“Just a few days.” Myka gripped her hand as small tears gathered at the corner of her eyes. Tracy waved her away, fanning at her cheeks, “God, I have no idea what’s wrong with me.”

“You’ve had a crazy last couple of days, I’m sure it’s just come down from all the party planning.”

Tracy sighed, “I guess so. It’s just harder when he’s gone. Ethan gets moody and frustrated, and that’s tough on me, because obviously I hate that he’s gone too, but I can’t really show that too much.”

Myka squeezed her hand, “I know, but you said yourself the other day that all this travel is almost over, so the light at the end of the tunnel is coming.”

Tracy pressed a palm to one of her eyes, “I know. I’m sorry, I think you’re right, I’m just tired and completely done with the whole party thing.”

“Well, now you have an entire year until the next one.”

Tracy chuckled, “Ok, enough about me and my insanity. You, dear sister, have seemed a bit _distracted_ today. What’s going on?”

Myka exhaled deeply, she wasn’t really in the mood for this conversation, but she wasn’t really in the mood to deflect either, “I think, I too, am really exhausted, and I don’t know, maybe I am a little distracted.”

“Myka, is everything with Helena really ok?”

“They are, they are really, _really_ ok, more than ok. Things have actually been really amazing. I just…”

“You just…”

“I just am a little freaked out by how deep I seem to be in this thing already. How deep we both seem.”

Tracy gave her a questioning look, “Why is that a bad thing? Isn’t that a good thing? At least if you both are at that place?”

Myka sighed, “It is, but it’s just what if it’s all too much, too fast? What if we are doing this without giving it much thought and we just end up hurting each other?”

Tracy chuckled in spite of the look Myka gave her, “Oh big sister, you have it so _bad_ for this woman.”

Myka grimaced, “Is it really that obvious?”

“Only because you’ve never even _talked_ about the other people you’ve dated since Sam. You never seemed engaged enough to be _worried_ that you were engaged at all. You wouldn’t be this worried if you didn’t really, really care about her.”

“What if we’re making a huge mistake Trace? I mean, she has become such a huge part of my life, and not just because we’re together, but with the band and everything. If this falls apart, I feel like my entire life would quickly follow suit.”

Tracy squeezed Myka’s knee, “You can’t look at it that way. If you do, then you’re always going to have the questions following you around. You have to let yourself just be in the moment Myka, otherwise you’ll miss it. Plus, it’s always scary in the beginning. Do you remember what you said to me when I first starting dating Kevin?” Myka just shook her head, unwilling to admit that she knew exactly what Tracy was about to say. “You told me that if I kept running away from every one I felt something for, eventually I would end up running away from the one person I was running toward the whole time, and I would regret that more than I could imagine. It’s time to stop running big sister.”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, gaze not quite meeting Tracy’s, “Are you saying you think Helena is the one I’ve been running towards?”

Myka missed the coy smile Tracy gave her, “I think _you_ think that Myka, and I must say I kind of agree with you.”

Myka didn’t say anything, just took another sip of wine, stomach clenching at the absolute truth of what her sister had just said.

**

“Hello darling.”

Myka’s heart tugged at the sound of Helena’s voice, the _happiness_ ringing through it. She could practically hear her smiling, though Myka was pretty sure Helena would say the same thing about her own voice, “Hello yourself Swagger.”

“I take it you survived the party? All limbs in tact? Are you lying in a pool of birthday cake unable to free yourself?”

Myka laughed soundly, “I think I am relatively in tact, however, I did spend the greater part of my evening extracting frosting from Ethan’s hair, so the drowning in cake image isn’t that far off.”

Helena’s laughter filled Myka with a kind of indescribable warmth, her voice coming out rich and full, “It sounds like he had a good day.”

“He did, or at least he seemed to. He spent most of it running around like he was on fire, so I think he had a good time.”

“And what about Aunt Myka? Did you have a good day darling?”

Myka knew she hesitated and she knew Helena noticed, but she tried to just start talking, “I did. I got to spend some time with my mom, which was nice, and it’s always good when Tracy and I get a little bit of quiet time together, which we did tonight. Plus, I’m a sucker for the time when Ethan won’t let me out of his sight and I got a little bit of that today, so overall, good day, minus not seeing you of course.”

Helena chuckled, “Of course, and _of course_ you’re trying to sweet talk me to convince me to not ask about that little hesitation you gave before your answer.”

“Did it work?”

“Not for one second.” Helena treaded carefully, wondering if she had honed in on what might have caused Myka’s resistance, “So your mom and Tracy were good…how was your father today?”

Myka groaned, “Well, you officially know me way too well. He was…his typical self, I’ll put it that way.”

“Myka…” Helena could tell from Myka’s tone that she was trying to avoid the actual emotion she felt about whatever had happened, and Helena was tired and simply not in the mood for the deflection.

“Helena, it’s fine, really. Tracy and Kevin kind of swooped in and took care of it. He got in a few good shots, but that’s all.”

“Shots about what exactly?”

Myka rolled her eyes, apparently Helena wasn’t going to let this go, “Today, you were his topic of choice, which wasn’t really surprising considering he found out about us today.”

Helena winced, she knew Myka had been avoiding that happening, so she couldn’t imagine it was something that occurred voluntarily, “How did that happen?”

“He overheard my mom and Tracy talking to me about you and put two and two together.”

“Are you ok?”

“For the most part. At this point, it’s all becoming a bit tiring rather than hurtful, so yeah, I’m ok.” Myka sighed, knowing that was only partly true, “Alright, enough about me, how was your day?”

Helena knew Myka was holding something back, she knew it wasn’t that easy, her just blowing off whatever her father had said, but she had learned by now that when it came to her father, it was better to not push Myka, otherwise she would push back and they would just end up fighting and that wasn’t what Helena wanted. She swallowed down the rest of her questions and continued, “Fairly uneventful, I slept for far too long this morning.”

Myka’s voice was barely audible, “Hmm..I wonder why?”

“Indeed darling. Anyway, we just had rehearsal, then we all went out for lunch. It seems we’ve come to a bit of a decision regarding our next steps.”

Myka’s stomach turned involuntarily, “Yeah?”

“We decided we would take Kelly up on her offer. It seems like it would be a good idea, get our foot in the door as it were. Claudia called her this afternoon, and we already have some recording time scheduled next week, so apparently we’re off and rolling.”

Myka fought to tamp down the sense of unease that was settling into her nervous system. This was good for them, this was what they needed, she had no reason to be nervous, and every reason to be supportive, “Good, that’s good. Kelly’s firm knows what they’re doing, you guys will be in good hands.”

“Say good one more time in that sentence darling.”

“Oh hush, you know what I mean. I think it will be a _good_ fit for you guys, and if she’s already set you up with recording time, that’s even better. You’ll have a demo done in no time.”

Helena sighed, “That seems to be the plan.” Myka’s silence unnerved Helena. She knew that this wasn’t going to be easy for Myka to handle and she wanted to help ease whatever concerns she might have as best she could, without doing the thing Myka feared she would, coddle her, “Myka…”

Myka could read Helena’s tone from a mile away, her concerned, worried tone, “Swagger, we don’t have to have this conversation tonight.”

“I just want to make sure you’re ok…”

Myka smirked slightly, “I’m good, I’m exhausted, but I’m good, really.”

“Alright…”

Myka chuckled, “Helena, I swear I’m ok, I’m just really tired, which I totally blame you for by the way.”

Helena’s voice returned to it’s usual light, teasing tone, “Is that the sound of you complaining about your late night darling?”

“Not at all, _however_ , I could have handled a little less commentary from my mother about how tired I looked today. She kept telling me I looked exhausted and distracted, it was not exactly easy to fend off.”

“Oh I’m sure you handled it quite well.”

“Let me tell you trying to come up with explanations that weren’t quite lies, but _definitely_ weren’t the truth was no easy feat.”

“Decided not to tell your mother all about your late night exploits I take it?”

Myka rolled her eyes and half-groaned, half-laughed, “Umm, hell no. There are simply things she doesn’t need to know.”

“Quite right darling. Well, since you are so woefully exhausted, I suppose I should let you get some sleep. You’re coming home tomorrow morning?”

“Should be back around lunch I would guess. My mother has thankfully cancelled dinner since we were all together today, so once I’m home I have zero plans.”

“Think I might be able to convince you to have at least a _few_ plans with me?”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, that _tone_ was going to be the death of her, “I’m sure with a little persuading I could be convinced.”

Helena chuckled, her voice low and slightly teasing, “Well, I shall see what I can do about that. Why don’t you give me a call when you’re home?”

“I can do that. Sleep tight Swagger.”

“Good night darling.”

**

Myka laid back in bed, her mind a swirl of disparate thoughts and images. She didn’t want to be nervous or worried or concerned or _anything_ about the band moving forward. She just wanted to be happy, but there was a tugging at the back of her brain that kept sending waves of nerves over her skin that she was helpless to control. Try as she might to silence it, her father’s voice kept echoing through her head about all of this being a mistake. She gave her head a vigorous shake, she wouldn’t let _that_ get to her, she wouldn’t let his words influence her emotions. She tugged her iPod out of her purse, shoving her headphones into her ears, and scrolling through until she found what she was looking for. It had gotten her through her morning, through her drive, maybe it could help her shut off her brain and let her sleep, or at least turn her mind towards more _pleasant_ thoughts. She let the music, the pulse and rhythm of it flow through her, trying to sink into it. She closed her eyes, letting her mind scroll through images of the day, of the night before, praying that they would dominate her subconscious.

Her mind clouded over near the end of the song, willing her into sleep. She barely registered the last few lyrics…

_“Here come the dreams of you and me…”_

An image of Helena floated through her mind, pulling a smile across her lips, as she faded into sleep, hoping against hope that her dreams _would_ be of her, of _them._

**

_Myka walked down a hallway that felt vaguely familiar, but there was something_ off _about it, though she couldn’t put her finger on it. She didn’t have enough time to process where she was, or why it felt different, because Claudia was running down that strange hallway, arms wide open, smile on her face, shouting, “We did it Myka! We finally got the tour planned!”_

_Claudia’s arms were around her and squeezing, and she felt confused, “Tour? You guys are going on tour?”_

_Claudia looked her like she was crazy, “Yeah of course dummy! We’ve been talking about it for months. Now we’ve got it all laid out, six months, around the world, we leave next week.”_

_“Next week?! That’s not possible.”_

_“Totally possible.”_

_Myka shook her head, “I…I need to go find Helena.”_

_“I think she’s in one of the writing rooms.”_

_Claudia disappeared and Myka found herself in front of a doorway that she didn’t want to go through. There was a feeling in the air like she knew what was going to be behind the door, but she was powerless to stop herself from opening it. The knob twisted in her hands, but the door opened faster than it should have, and she was met with Sam pressing Giselle against the wall, oblivious to her presence. She felt like she was shouting, but her voice was a faint whisper, “Sam?” But when he turned around it wasn’t Sam…it was Helena, giving her a smile that wasn’t at all familiar, but dangerous, harsh, and cold._

_Myka stumbled back, trying to grip onto the door frame behind her, but then the door was transforming and it was no longer her hand gripping against it. She was back in Helena’s apartment, watching Helena’s fingers grip against the arch of the hallway, as Myka’s lips trembled over her stomach. Myka stood, gazing at Helena, whose eyes were closed, lips parted. Myka whispered against them, “I thought…I thought you were leaving…”_

_Helena’s eyes opened, and once again Myka was met with something familiar, but_ off. _They were Helena’s eyes, but they weren’t filled with love or concern, instead they were distant, unfeeling, “I am leaving. You knew that…you knew that the second you met me. I’m a singer Myka, I go where the band goes, and we are leaving.”_

_Myka felt tears sting against her eyes, fingers trembling against Helena’s skin, “What about us?”_

_A dark, twisting laugh left Helena’s lips, “This was just meant to be a fling Myka. I thought you knew that? Weren’t you the one that convinced yourself that this was a mistake?”_

_Myka took a stunned step back, the ground shifting underneath her, the apartment disappearing around her, leaving her in a parking lot, next to a stretch of tour buses, with the Helena she_ knew, _the Helena she recognized, standing in front of her, tears streaming down her face, “Darling, I don’t know how we’re going to do this…”_

_Myka reached for her, thumbs wiping the tears from her cheeks, “We’re going to be fine Swagger. It won’t be that long, and we’ll talk, we’ll talk every night.” Myka squeezed their entwined hands, “Helena, I’m not going anywhere. I love you…you know that…nothing is going to change that.”_

_Helena sucked in a shaky breath, “I love you too. I just don’t want you worrying, and I feel like I’m asking you to sit here and wait for me…”_

_Myka pulled her in tightly, pressing firm, insistent lips to Helena’s, the salt of Helena’s tears slipping across their mouths as they moved, “I would wait until the end of time for you Helena.”_

_With lips still tingling from the pressure of Helena’s, with the faint taste of salt still there, Myka wandered around her apartment staring at her phone which hadn’t rang in days. She somehow knew, despite not knowing_ how _she knew, that it hadn’t rang in days. That Helena had been gone for months, and that this was the first time that phone hadn’t rang. Finally, mercifully it did, but when she answered it was loud and wild and she could barely hear anything, “Helena!?”_

_“Darling?!”_

_“Where are you?”_

_“I’m sorry, I’m backstage, and it’s a madhouse. I’m sorry I haven’t called. Things have gotten a bit out of hand, I lost track of myself, I’m sorry.”_

_“No, no it’s fine. I miss you.”_

_“I miss you too. I’ll be home soon.”_

_Soon….soon…Myka’s phone rings again, but this time she’s in bed and she’s barely sleeping, but she’s curled around a pillow that smells like Helena and she just wants to drown in that smell and ignore the ringing of her phone, because nothing good can be on the other end of a phone that is ringing at three in the morning. She fumbles for it and it falls off the nightstand. She tries to find it but she’s already crying and she doesn’t even know why. She slides across the screen to answer, but she already knows who it is and what it is and why and God how can this be happening, “Pete…please do not say it.”_

_“Mykes…you know you need to get over here,” his voice is high and tight and she can tell he’s barely holding it together._

_Myka is staring at her wet, sock-clad feet as they run along too white tiles in a too white, too quiet, too sterilized hallway. There’s no one there and she’s running towards a doorway that doesn’t get any closer no matter how fast, how hard she runs. She feels like she’s been running for hours, and finally she’s in front of that door and she’s barreling through it with eyes closed, because she knows what will be on the other side._

_She’s staring down at a table and she can barely see because there are tears swarming in front of her eyes. Sam’s stilled body lying there unmoving, unseeing, gone. She wants to scream and she wants to pound on his chest, because how,_ how, _can he do this to her? How can he leave her? How can her life be over? She gulps in a sob and presses the heels of her hands into her eyes, willing the blinding blackness to make this all go away, and when she opens her eyes, it has. Sam is gone, and there are dots in front of her eyes, but as they start to fade, she realizes that Sam isn’t simply gone, he’s been replaced, and there are arms around her shoulders, and the faint sound of Claudia’s sobs in her ears, as she stares down, unseeing, unwilling to see, Helena there, gone, pale and quiet and distinctly not pulsating with energy. Pete is pulling her to him, but she’s punching him and pushing away and throwing herself across that table, because no, she won’t do this again, she won’t lose her entire life again, it has to be a mistake. Life doesn’t deal you the same hand twice. Yet, this image won’t disappear. This room won’t fade. This scene won’t shift. All that she’s left with are her tears and her gasping sobs and the image of Helena on that godforsaken hospital bed under that godforsaken sheet._

**

Myka jolted awake heart pounding and gasping for breath. At first she thought she was imagining it, but when she placed careful fingertips to her cheeks, she realized that there were real tears streaming down her face, and once she realized _that_ was real, she only cried harder. She desperately tried to keep her eyes from closing against her tears, because every time they shut, the image of Helena… _gone_ , raced across her mind. She told herself she would just sit up and keep her eyes open and will the images to disappear. She would, by sheer force of will, make herself forget, eidetic memory be damned, she would not let these images imprint on her mind, she would not let them become permanent, she would not remember. If she remembered, it would kill her, it would kill everything. 

She tried, she tried for five excruciating minutes to will herself back to calm, but it was impossible. Stuttering gasps left her lungs as she reached for her phone with trembling fingers. She mistyped her password, four, five times, each time telling her it was a sign that she should put the phone down, she should just go back to bed, even if the sun was shining through the curtains. Yet, she kept trying and finally she got it right. Through tears she tried to type out something coherent, something that would make sense, and with each press of each button she hated herself a little bit more, felt another piece of her heart shattering, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. She gave herself one last moment of pause, one last moment with her thumb hovering over the send button. She took a deep breath, experimentally closed her eyes, and again there was Helena, unmoving, cold, so very _not_ Helena. Her eyes snapped open and her thumb pressed quickly against the send button, sending the message into the ether, as she threw her phone sailing across the room into an unseen corner, before she collapsed back into her pillows, no longer able to contain her wracking sobs.

**

Ninety miles away, Helena curled herself deeper into her pillows, her pillows that blissfully still smelled of coconut and mint, of Myka. She smiled against them, as her arm draped across the bed to grab her vibrating phone. The sun crept across her bedroom, and her heart panged in her chest in hopes that this was a message telling her Myka was on her way home early and that she would be there soon. She smiled at the thought and flicked her screen open. It took her five, ten, twenty seconds to process what it said, another twenty seconds to read it over and over again to make sure she wasn’t making a mistake, that she wasn’t dreaming, another twenty seconds to realize that she was crying and that she felt sick. She closed her eyes and took in a shaking breath, her mind desperately scrambling to figure out how on earth you respond to a message from your girlfriend that simply says, _“I can’t do this…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now I can really state why this chapter kicked my ass...because I knew this was coming...and I just didn't want to do it, even though I knew I had to...so I am sorry. However, Myka clearly still has a lot of issues to deal with...
> 
> but remember we have a lot of story left, and Helena made Pete a promise not that long ago that she would fight for Myka and she meant it...


	11. The One That Got Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inevitable consequences of Myka's not so rational decision making, featuring Pete the therapist and a lot of dancing around any actual talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this chapter..I was on vacation and it put me a bit behind. This chapter also morphed into a little bit more than I was intending (as they have a tendency to do) so hopefully there are enough words here to atone for the delay.
> 
> The Civil Wars reappear with this song, and if you feel like it, watch the video for this song on YouTube. 1. It is haunting and beautiful. 2. It was a bit of the inspiration for how Myka and Sam were near the end of their relationship

11\. The One That Got Away

_“Please tell me that you meant to send that to someone else.”_

Myka just stared at her phone. She didn’t know what to say, how to respond. She could practically hear the incredulousness in Helena’s voice where it fought to win out over the worry, the hurt, the pain that would come when she realized that what she feared was true. When Myka had heard her phone vibrate, she had practically thrown herself off the bed and towards the corner where it had landed. A false hope had panged through her chest that maybe something had gone wrong, maybe it hadn’t sent, maybe she could suck this moment back. Now though, facing this text, facing this reality, facing this _out_ that Helena was presenting her with, she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t erase it, she couldn’t take it back, she wouldn’t take it back, because deep down, some part of her had clamped down, dug its heels in, and refused to let her believe that she could do this thing with Helena. It dug its claws into her chest and told her no, this thing would get too hard, she would get hurt, she would hurt Helena, she already loved her too much, there was no way that Helena could ever love her this much. It beat incessantly against her already fragile heart and said no, you can’t do this, just like you told her. She wanted to fight it, but her strength, her resolve, was shattered on the ground around her in the face of all of her fears laid out in such painful clarity in her mind. She tried to tell herself it was just a dream, but she knew, as those claws twisted deeper, that it was a dream born out of very real fears, fears that she had yet to conquer. Fears that if conquerable, had to be done alone. She took in another gulping sob, wiping furiously at her cheeks, as she typed out the only thing she could think to say.

_“I’m sorry Helena.”_  
Absently she tossed her phone into her bag, and then thinking better of it, picked it back up and turned it off. It would be no use to leave it on, where she knew there would be calls, calls she couldn’t answer, and messages that she would have no response for. 

She pulled out the rest of her things from her bag and stole across the hall to the bathroom, praying that a hot enough shower would wash away the remnants of her tears, that the heat would somehow burn away any evidence of the agony she had just thrown into her world. She scrubbed vigorously at her face, at her eyes, hoping to wipe away any trace of tears, in the vain hope that maybe, possibly, Tracy would be too distracted, too tired to notice the very obvious change in her disposition. 

She dried her hair, forcing it into a haphazard ponytail, and swiped on her makeup carelessly. She took a deep breath and stared at herself in the mirror, eyes rimmed with red, exhaustion practically seeping out of her very pores. She knew it was a trick of her mind, that it wasn’t true, but somehow she felt like she looked like a completely different person, somehow unrecognizable to herself and yet so intimately known that she could barely look herself in the eye. A voice nagging at the back of her mind told her it was because she had just done what she knew she would, what she _always_ did. She had just run away from something good, something more than good, something _spectacular_ , and this was the ghost of herself that was left in the wake of that decision.

**

Helena lay back in bed staring at her phone, willing it to morph and change into something other than what it was showing her, willing it to vibrate again with a message declaring adamant apologies and laughing off the woes of mixing technology with early mornings, willing it to ring or do _anything_ to change, to erase the downward spiral that Myka had just sent into their lives. Her tears though still sliding down her cheeks had ebbed, as something shifted in her mind. Whatever this was, it wasn’t Myka. It wasn’t the Myka who had laid next to her in this bed, less than 24 hours ago, bemoaning the fact that she had to _leave_ this bed. It wasn’t the Myka who had looked at her so coyly, muttering jokes about finding clothing, who had pressed the lightest, but most _assured_ of kisses to the top of her head before exiting this room. Something had happened. Helena had heard it in Myka’s voice last night. Between telling her about their decision to try things out with Kelly and the faint intimations that something had happened with her father, something had made this happen, and whatever it was, Helena was determined to rectify it, to erase it, to show, to _convince_ Myka that it was temporary, that it was baseless, that it held no bearing on _them_. That whatever it was, they could survive it, they could defeat it; that whatever it was it wasn’t something that Myka had to run from anymore, but that she had someone she could run _towards_ now, who would help her weather that storm. Helena took a deep breath, feeling her resolve steel within her chest, as she flung the tears from her cheeks, and popped up Myka’s contact on her phone, determinedly pressing the call button.

Voicemail. Not a single dial tone. Not a single ring. Just the clear, resounding _point_ of a phone call pushed straight to voicemail.

Helena pulled her phone away from her ear, checking her signal, convinced that maybe something went wrong in the connection. That happened all the time. She tried again. Myka would pick up this time and she would explain and Helena would listen and things would be better or on their way to better, and they could forget that the last ten minutes of their lives had happened, and Helena could simply tell Myka to _come home_ , so that they could figure things out. 

Voicemail. 

A fresh wave of tears pushed past Helena’s eyes, as the realization sunk down like a weight into her stomach, either Myka’s phone was off or she was ignoring her calls. Either way, the message was clear. For Myka, the last ten minutes hadn’t been a mistake. Helena took a deep breath, trying not to listen to Myka’s voice as it rang out a request to leave a message, her voice sounding so _normal_ , so _happy_. Helena waited for the beep that seemed like it took eons to arrive, but even when it happened she wished she had just five more seconds to wrestle her voice into something that didn’t sound so broken, so close to standing on the precipice of deep, deep anger.

_“Myka…it’s me. It takes quite a bit for me to feel like I have absolutely no idea what is going on in a situation, but that is where I very clearly find myself at the moment. I know something happened last night, whether it was whatever happened with your father or something I said, I know something is wrong…Jesus of course something is wrong because you’ve just broken up with me with no explanation apparently, so clearly something is wrong, and now I’m rambling which is wildly unhelpful. Myka, just…please come home or at least call me so we can talk about this…I don’t…I can’t…just please don’t do this, not until we’ve talked.”_

Helena cradled her phone against her chest as she fell back against the pillows, feeling her tears running down into her ears. She didn’t understand how this could be happening, how in a matter of minutes her life had gone from finally feeling at peace, to being in complete chaos. Yet, something itched across her skin, a twinge of nerves, a shiver of panic. Myka had warned her, hadn’t she? That this was what she did? She ran. She ran when things got too deep, too fast, too much, too anything. Myka had been talking herself hoarse the last six weeks about how she was afraid of hurting her, and Helena had simply told herself that this could be different, that they could be different, that she shouldn’t worry, because Myka seemed so happy, _they_ seemed so happy, and after the other night, how present, how intent, how loving Myka had been, it had convinced Helena that this, that they, were it. She had fooled herself into believing so very quickly that they were over the hardest part, and so the very last thing she had been expecting was this. Yet, she wondered as she rolled over to bury her head in the lingering, quickly disappearing scent of Myka on her pillowcases, if this wasn’t what she should have been expecting all along.

**

“Oof, you look like hell.”

Myka rolled her eyes at Tracy, “Such _language_ around your precious son.” Myka mockingly covered Ethan’s ears before running a hand through his curls where he sat at the table eating his breakfast, looking like he was still half-asleep. She bent down and kissed the crown of his head, “Good morning my little man.”

“Morning Monkey…” His voice was a quiet, distracted mumble. His eyes closed slightly and his head slumped a little forward, before he jerked back awake, whispering, “Banana is good,” underneath his breath.

Myka laughed into his hair, “Yes, bananas are good. Keep eating.” Myka went over and took the mug of steaming coffee Tracy was offering her over the counter, “Your son looks like he needs a few more hours of sleep. He’s going to fall out of that chair.”

Tracy waved a dismissive hand, “First of all, he has already heard much worse language around this house, don’t judge. Second of all, he isn’t awake enough to be paying attention. And third of all, _he_ got up himself and demanded a banana. As long as he doesn’t land face first in it, I’m good. And _you_ are one to talk regarding looking like you need more sleep, so I will repeat, you look like hell.”

Myka took a long sip of too hot coffee, feeling it burn against her tongue, “Thank you. Everyone should wish for such a _lovely_ greeting in the morning Trace.”

Tracy rolled her eyes and gave her an incredulous look as she pulled bowls out of the cupboard, and shoved the cereal towards Myka, “I’m serious. What’s the matter? Do you feel ok?”

Tracy made to press the back of her hand to Myka’s forehead, but she jerked away laughing, “Wow, _Mom_ , I’m good. I feel fine. I just didn’t sleep very well.”

“Yes and not sleeping well absolutely leads to red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks. Stop lying dear one and tell me what’s wrong.”

Myka sighed and ran a hand through her hair, “It’s nothing, really. Helena and I…we just…we got into a bit of a fight last night is all.” Myka cringed at how easily the lie tripped off of her lips, but there was no way she could tell Tracy what had happened. If she told Tracy she had broken up with Helena, then Tracy would want _explanations_ and desperately try to talk her out of it, and tell her how _crazy_ she was, and frankly Myka didn’t feel up for any of that. The pit in her stomach also was already telling her how crazy she was, so why did she need to hear it from Tracy too?

Tracy’s features immediately fell into something akin to panic and sympathy, “What happened?” She reached a light hand to rest against Myka’s, where it was wrapped around her coffee mug, “Are you ok?”

Myka chuckled half-heartedly, “You look like I’ve just told you something completely traumatic. It’s not that bit of a deal, trust me. It’ll be fine.”

“I look like this, because _you_ look like whatever happened was the polar opposite of ‘not a big deal.’ Talk to me.”

Myka shook her head, “Trace…come on…I don’t really feel like talking about it. Can’t I just eat in peace, and you sit there and pretend that it’s not driving you insane that I’m not talking?” 

Tracy pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers, “I know, _I know_ , that I should absolutely not let that happen. However, I also realize that you’ve basically been my saving grace the last twenty-four hours, and that maybe I should give you a break because of it.”

Myka pointed vigorously at Tracy with her spoon, smiling widely, “Now _that_ is an excellent point.”

“Ugh, fine, big sister, sit there and wallow in whatever hell you’re wallowing in, I won’t say a word. Just…Myka, tell me that this really isn’t a big deal and that you guys are ok.”

A flash of Helena’s face, smiling, laughing raced across Myka’s mind. She shook her head to clear it, “It’s _really_ not a big deal and we will be ok.” The words nearly stuck in the back of her throat, threatening to leave her gasping for air. She hated the lie as each word crept out of her mouth, but what else was there to say? She couldn’t look at her sister, who looked so worried, so concerned, and tell her the truth. The truth that it _was_ a big deal and that they most certainly were anything _but_ ok, that they might never be anything other than not ok from now on. 

They ate their breakfast in silence, minus the idle, whispering of Ethan singing along to whatever cartoon was on the television. Myka let her mind drift as she sipped her coffee, wondering about what Helena was doing, wondering about how upset she was, wondering how on earth she had allowed herself to do this. The mere _idea_ of Helena being upset, being _hurt_ , was enough to make her push her cereal away only half finished. To know she had done this, that she had caused this gaping hole that seemed to be opening up in the very universe itself made her feel sick, yet the nagging sound of her pulsing insecurity reminded her that _this_ was what she always feared she would do to Helena anyway, so maybe it was for both of their goods that it had happened now, before things got out of hand, before either of them got more hurt than they were capable of handling. As much as it hurt now, she told herself, only half-believing it, that maybe she was saving them from something far worse later on.

Tracy gave her a concerned glare as she picked up her half-finished bowl of cereal, placing it in the sink. Tracy turned, a look of determination on her face, fists balled up against her hips, “You need to get out of here.”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “What? No. Trace, I told you I would stick around to help. Make sure things were settled after yesterday.”

Tracy waved her hands as though what Myka had just said was absolutely insane, “You have done enough, and you are crazy to think that I’m going to let you _hide out_ here so you can avoid going home to fix things with your girlfriend.”

“We each need some time to cool off, Trace. I can’t just rush home and fix it.”

Tracy scoffed, “Like hell you can’t. Myka, you need to _go. Home._ You need to go home and tell that woman you’re sorry for whatever you said and that you forgive her for whatever she said, and get back to being the happy, giddy sister who walked through my door yesterday.”

“Wow you’ve just got this all figured out don’t you?”

“Yes, I do. Myka, I’m serious. I know how you blow these things up in your mind, even if it was something small, so don’t give yourself the time to let it get out of hand. Just go see that woman, and get this horrendously depressing look off of your face.”

Myka sighed and pushed herself up off her stool, “ _Fine_ nagging woman, I will go get my stuff, but I swear to God, you turn into mom more with each passing minute.”

Tracy’s jaw dropped and she flung the towel in her hands at Myka’s head, “Ok, now, _now_ I am kicking you out of my house, because that was totally _unnecessary!_ ”

Myka caught the towel with her fingertips, chuckling, “See you just proved my point, though mom usually preferred throwing the sponges at us. Making your own path, Trace, I like it.”

Tracy groaned and moved around the counter, tugging Myka into a tight hug, “I kind of hate you, but in a way that I actually really, really love you.”

Myka squeezed Tracy tightly, pressing a kiss to her temple, “I love you too Trace.”

Tracy pulled away, hands gripping against Myka’s shoulders, holding her half an arms length away, “Promise me that you’ll be ok, and promise me that I’m not a horrible sister for basically kicking you out of my home.”

Myka forced a small smile and a laugh, “I can really only promise _one_ of those things Trace.”

Tracy threw her head back in laughter, missing the cringe that coursed through Myka’s body, the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. Tracy had no idea that it was the promise of being ok that Myka really, really had no ability to keep.

**

Myka sat in the parking lot of a grocery store fifteen minutes away from Tracy’s house, taking stock of her backseat. She mentally went through everything she had packed to stay the night at Tracy’s. She had everything she needed to keep herself relatively clean and presentable, not that anyone would be seeing her anyway, and if she needed extra clothes, they were already there anyway. The only thing she needed was food…and plenty of wine. She did a cursory run through the store, picking up food at random, figuring she could survive on granola bars, coffee, yogurt, and bagged salad. She threw a few extra items into her cart, just wanting to get out of the store and _on the road_ as quickly as possible. She tried to ignore the skeptical look the cashier gave her at the inordinate number of wine bottles she placed on the counter, she really didn’t give a damn what this woman thought about her choices, at this point, she wasn’t sure if _she_ even cared about her own choices. 

She dumped the bags in the back of her car, and finally turned her car towards the highway. She didn’t know why, but when she had left Tracy’s house she knew she wasn’t going home, at least not yet. She couldn’t face it, reality, anything. She couldn’t face the idea of being in the same zip code, let alone the same breathing space as Helena, and if she went home she knew that was exactly what would end up happening. Helena would show up at her door and beat it down if she didn’t answer. She would wind up in Helena’s apartment crying and explaining and trying to solve everything far too quickly. The band would have a gig and it would be too weird if she didn’t show up. There were too many ifs, too many variables at play. With her luck she figured she would simply get out of her car at the store and Helena would be walking down the street in some cruel twist of fate. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t allow herself to be in that place just yet. She knew in some sort of twisted way that she was punishing herself by leaving. Relegating herself to some far corner of the woods, to sit and _think_ about what she had done, giving herself an extreme dose of isolation and quiet so that her mind could swirl and dwell and _focus_ on everything she had thrown away this morning. Confining herself to a space she hadn’t been in since she had broken up with Abigail, a space that did nothing but remind her of Sam, yes she knew that by going to the cabin she was trying to make things as hard as possible on herself, and yet she didn’t turn the car around, she didn’t even give it a passing thought. She knew she needed to be alone, to process, but she also knew she was distancing herself on purpose, completely removing herself from the equation, so that no one could get in touch with her, no one could find her, no one could seek her out and demand _explanations_. Part of her thought that if she could avoid it long enough, it would just go away and none of the pain that she knew she had caused, that she was feeling herself, would be real.

As she turned her car west, instinctively letting it find its way back down roads it knew so well, she realized that she was only a few miles away from absolutely no hope of cell phone service. Idly, she turned her phone on, figuring it couldn’t hurt to at least check before she had no ability to check even if she wanted to. Immediately upon pinging into service, it buzzed with a voicemail and a handful of text messages, one from Tracy, one from her mom, and one from Pete. 

_“My son misses you. I was instructed to let you know this. Get home safe, good luck with the lady.”_

_“Get home safe today. Hopefully I’ll see you sometime this week, since I’m sure today you will be a little busy with someone else. Love, Mom”_

_“Mykes—call when you get a chance…I have something I need to talk to you about.”_

Myka sighed, none of them really required a response, though she knew Pete would wonder why she hadn’t called. She debated pulling over and talking to him for a few minutes, but then she figured he would ask when she was coming home, and she just couldn’t bring herself to contemplate lying to Pete, so she ignore the message and hoped he would assume she was home with Helena and wouldn’t mind that she hadn’t called immediately. 

Her stomach twisted uncomfortably as she debated listening to the voicemail. She knew it was from Helena, and she wasn’t sure she could handle whatever it was she had to say, whether it was screaming and telling her she hated her, which she figured she probably deserved, or if it was quiet and crying and painful, Myka just couldn’t bear to deal with either of those options. Yet, she couldn’t ignore it, she couldn’t just let it sit there blinking at her, enticing her with the promise of Helena’s voice, of the hope that maybe Helena would say something that would bring her back from the cusp of whatever insanity she felt like she was nearing the brink of at the moment. She pressed her thumb against her screen, letting it click over, and feeling tears rim her eyes the second she heard Helena speaking her name around a short intake of breath that sounded like she was barely holding herself together. Myka realized instantly how right she had been to believe she couldn’t handle this, hearing Helena’s voice so laced with brokenness, which was doing little to conceal the roiling anger that was lying just beneath the surface. Something inside of Myka broke a little under the weight of Helena’s words, coming out short and sharp, in a tone that she had never heard from Helena before. She felt her resolve crumbling, her chest tightening at the very clear truth that she had known from the moment that she woke up, that she didn’t ever want to be away from this woman. She didn’t want anything other than to be with her, yet knowing all the while that the very truth of that was enough to make her run away, because how could she face losing something she feared she would never be able to live without? So even as Helena’s voice turned to pleading, _begging_ her to come home, to call, to give them a chance to _talk_ , Myka just kept on driving, the tires of her car thrumming away against the cold tar of the road, drawing her further and further away from home, from Helena. 

She listened to the voicemail, two, three more times, until the only sound she could hear was the static bursts indicating that she was too far into the mountains for even the slightest of signals to reach her. Her thumb hovered over the delete button, but couldn’t quite bring herself to do it, realizing that this one message might be the last tangible thing she ever had from Helena. This could be the last memory she had of ever hearing Helena say her name in that _tone_ , that tone that was the perfect mixture of love, longing, and exasperation, letting Myka know that she was wanted, even if she had done absolutely nothing to deserve such want. She turned her phone off again and tossed it across the seat into her purse, it would be of absolutely no use from this point on. 

Myka cracked her windows slightly, revealing in the crisp, fresh bite of the mountain air, despite the winter chill that it brought with it. She let it float through her curls, praying that with it, it would bring clarity into her mind that felt fogged over and murky, like she couldn’t quite see clearly, despite thinking that she knew exactly what she was doing. But what was she doing really? Other than running away from what had easily been the best thing to happen to her in well over four years. She sighed deeply, turning her radio up a little bit louder, trying to drown out the incessant buzz of her _thoughts_. She hated that Helena was fighting for this, that Helena sounded like she was nowhere near accepting what Myka had attempted to do this morning, that Helena’s tone indicated that she wasn’t going to go quietly into the night. Myka wished that she could explain to her that she was just trying to keep her from getting hurt in the long run, that this small hurt now, would inevitably be better than the larger hurt later, because despite herself, despite how Helena made her feel, despite hoping and wondering if she and Helena could be different, Myka couldn’t escape the tugging in her mind that told her that everything good would end, and not just end but go up in flames, leaving only ashes in its wake to be blown to the winds, never to be seen again. 

That first night that Helena had walked into the store, something unknowable had chased through Myka’s bloodstream, something she was sure was akin to the first hit of a drug you knew you would never get away from. She had seen in Helena, immediately, intimately, the prospect of a different, brighter future; one where she wasn’t afraid, where she was willing to be happy, where she was capable of getting her shit together and being whole again. She usually hated it when people said that they knew from the moment they met their significant other that they were the one, judged them for their impulsiveness, because how could you _know_ when you didn’t even know the person standing in front of you, when you hadn’t even had the chance to weigh the probabilities of if you made sense together. Yet, she _had known_ the second she saw Helena, maybe not all the ins and outs of how they would fit and if they would make sense, but absolutely that this woman standing in the middle of her store would be the complete end of her, in maybe the best way possible. But now, _now_ that she knew just how all-encompassing that end would be, how intimately Helena had the ability to change and morph her into possibly the version of herself she had always dreamed of being, now Myka knew she was incapable of handling it, no matter how badly, how deeply she _wanted_ it. Because what would happen when Helena realized the depth of Myka’s want, when she realized that Myka’s fear of loss and her rampant insecurity at being anything someone could want drove her to moments of feeling frozen in place, when she realized that Myka _wasn’t_ the type of person that anyone _fought_ for? Myka knew what would happen, or at least believed she did. She believed that Helena would leave, just like Sam left, realizing she was too much, she was too little, that she was too complicated, too broken, too not enough to be worth the effort, and that would only leave Myka even more shattered. So, wasn’t this better? Wasn’t it better to get the hurt out of the way now? Before either of them did any _real_ damage to the other? Wasn’t a little bit of pain better than complete and utter heartbreak? Part of her was foolish enough to believe that it was, but the bigger part of her knew that what she was feeling now, in the middle of these godforsaken woods that she knew too well, _was_ complete and utter heartbreak, and that part knew more than she cared to admit that _that_ was what Helena’s voicemail had sounded like too. It was already too late, the heartbreak was already there.

**

Helena pressed the volume button on her radio a little bit harder than she should have, but she didn’t care, as long as her speakers continued to get louder, as long as the bass thumped hard enough to drown out the beating of her own heart, as long as the lyrics screamed enough to silence her own swirling thoughts, that was all that mattered. She knew her neighbors would probably be annoyed, but she found she didn’t care. She didn’t care about anything other than making herself stop feeling, stop thinking, stop pacing around her apartment, checking her phone every ten seconds, convinced that at some point this madness had to stop. She was convinced, each time she checked, that this would be the time that Myka would call, would at least text, and say that everything was going to be ok, but each time she was met with absolutely nothing. No voicemail, no texts, no Myka. 

She had ignored two calls from Claudia, sure that they were requests to get together, to grab dinner, to hang out, to do anything, and Helena wanted no part of doing anything that wasn’t wallowing and waiting. She idly wondered if it wouldn’t be better to be around other people, to get out of her own head, but she knew that seeing anyone who _knew_ her would lead to questions, would lead to her having to give voice to the truth that she was still in ardent denial of, that she and Myka were no longer she and Myka, and she was completely heartbroken and she had absolutely no idea what had gone wrong. So instead, as she watched the sky darken outside of her windows, she opted for simply drowning in her pain, despite how little she knew that would help. She ordered an obscene amount of take-out, opened a bottle of wine, and turned her radio on louder, if that was even possible. She idly flipped through the photos on her phone, unsure how it had happened that she had _so many_ pictures of Myka. She knew she shouldn’t do this, that it would only make this gaping pain in her chest worse, but she couldn’t stop looking, looking at what she had apparently lost, so very quickly. There was the one of the two of them on New Year’s Eve, huddled under blankets, Helena leaning back against Myka, whose arms were completely wrapped around her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. There was the one that Claudia had taken without either of them noticing, when they had fallen asleep on Pete’s couch after a rather late game night. There was the one that Myka had taken when they had gone skating, snow caught in both of their hair, the sun glinting just barely off of Myka’s sunglasses, both of them looking happy and content. There was the one she had taken of Myka, despite her protestations, as she was curled up on the couch, in the very position Helena was now in herself, blanket around her knees, book in her lap, her glasses sliding slightly down her nose. She had feigned annoyance at Helena’s need to take the picture, but had given her a bright, _loving_ smile anyway. It was the picture that popped up on Helena’s phone whenever Myka called, and now Helena wondered if she would just need to delete it, because it was becoming less and less probable by the second that Myka would ever call her phone again. A surge of anger pulsed through her veins as she realized that it was absolutely ridiculous that she was in this position, feeling this miserable, with Myka depriving her of her right to know exactly why she felt this miserable. She swallowed down the rest of the wine in her glass and punched the call button for Myka’s number, her teeth gritting around her anger and her pain. Once again, there was no dial tone, only Myka’s voicemail. She barely waited for the beep to start talking, knowing her tone was doing nothing to hide her frustration.

_“Here’s what I’m going to say. If you were trying to send me a message with your silence, message received. I have no idea why you have done this Myka, and why you refuse to tell me why, but at this point, I can only sit around my apartment waiting for you to call for so long. I hate how I feel right now, and I hate that I don’t even know why I feel this way. If you’re ignoring me, fine, I guess that’s your choice, but if you’re running away from me…well, I guess that’s your choice too, but I wish you would have at least had the courage to tell me why. It would also be really nice to at least know where you are, because believe it or not there are people who care about your well being and would simply like to know that you’re ok.”_

She hung up and tossed her phone onto the coffee table, pushing herself up and walking with a newfound determination towards her bedroom. She threw on her running clothes and grabbed her keys from the table by the door, slamming it shut behind her, leaving her phone on the table. If Myka was going to ignore her, well then she wasn’t going to waste anymore time sitting around staring at a phone that wasn’t going to ring. 

She ran for what felt like hours, but what in reality was barely forty-five minutes. Her body too weak from exhaustion and frustration to put up much of an effort. Her muscles were tight and throbbing, and she knew it was because she had pushed too hard, too fast to try and run her pain out of her body, maybe run _away_ from it completely. As she leaned against the wall, bent double, hands on her knees, a wracking sob chased through her chest at the realization that this was a pain she was never going to be able to run away from, it would catch up to her, overtake her, overthrow her every single time. She shook her head and took a large drink of water, determination settling into her bloodstream. There was only one option left to her. If Myka wouldn’t come to her, she would have to go to Myka.

She drove without thought, her car knowing by instinct the turns necessary to get to the store. She wasn’t even sure if Myka was there. She had absolutely no proof that Myka had even come back to town after her day in Boulder, but she would be damned if she wasn’t going to at least try and find out if she was there and simply hiding from her. She slid her car into a spot in front of the store, only to be met with gaping darkness. There wasn’t a single ounce of light emanating from the store, or more importantly, from the apartment above. Everything was shut up tight, but it didn’t deter Helena yet. She crunched her way down the side alley of the building through the compacted snow, to the parking lot in the back. Her heart beating a little bit faster with each step, because if Myka’s car would just be _there_ , then things could start moving, she could start piecing things together, she could start making sense of what her life had spiraled into. Yet, as she turned the corner she was faced with nothingness. There was no car. There were no footprints or tire tracks. Nothing to give her even the slightest ounce of hope that Myka _had_ been there and was simply momentarily gone. She sighed, but figured she was here, she might as well make the effort complete. 

She carefully climbed the slick steps that led to the back door of Myka’s apartment. She knew it was rarely used, Myka didn’t even really use it herself, preferring to let herself in through the store, but Helena figured that if she was there, somehow, she wouldn’t hear her knocking downstairs. She stood in front of the door, suddenly hesitant, did she want to do this? Did she want to knock and be faced with the reality that Myka was gone? Did she want to knock and have her fears confirmed that Myka wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, with them right now? Did she want to knock and, possibly worse, find out that Myka was there and _had_ been ignoring her? She sighed, she was here, not knocking would be wildly against her purposes. Her knuckles wrapped softly at first, her ears straining to hear movement, her eyes fighting against the darkness of the windows, hoping that one of them would light up. She tried again, harder, until she felt like she was pounding and she could hear the echoes of her efforts bouncing off the alley walls. Nothing. There was absolutely nothing on the other side of that door, other than darkness and silence and emptiness. Myka wasn’t here. She couldn’t help the frustrated growl that left her throat. She gave one last solitary pound to the door and slumped against it. She didn’t even notice at first, until she felt them freezing against her cheeks that she was crying. Hot tears turned cold against the wind, as she resigned herself to her fate, she wouldn’t be getting any answers, at least not tonight, not from a locked apartment door, not from darkened windows. She realized the only real answer she had gotten from her efforts was that Myka was gone. A stray thought crept through her mind that maybe she had simply stayed in Boulder, that she was warm and safe in Tracy’s house, playing with Ethan, helping Tracy in Kevin’s absence, but even as she thought it, her stomach twisted awkwardly. It just didn’t seem plausible, it didn’t _feel_ like that was what had happened. No, Helena was almost certain that Myka had done what she had warned her she would do. Myka Bering had run away.

**

Monday morning found Claudia staring jaw-dropped in front of a very closed, very dark Warehouse. Never in her life had she seen the store closed when it was supposed to be open. Never in her years of working there had she shown up only to find Myka not there. Never in her long recollection could she remember a time when Myka had not clued her in to a change in the schedule. It just didn’t happen, and because it didn’t happen, Claudia knew something was wrong. With fumbling, shaking fingers she opened the store and flicked on the Christmas lights, hoping that the bright comfort of the space would bring answers to the questions that were loudly ricocheting around her mind. She scanned the counter, peeked into Myka’s office, looking for a note, looking for anything that would explain why it was ten o’clock on a Monday morning and Myka was nowhere to be found. A pang of hope hit Claudia’s consciousness, maybe Myka was sick, maybe she had forgotten to call, because she was still asleep. She immediately felt guilty for wishing that Myka was ill, but anything to make sense of the scene that was playing out around her was what she was going to cling to. She dashed up the stairs two at a time and knocked on Myka’s door, leaning in trying to hear if the TV was on, if there was music playing, if there were footsteps coming towards the door. She was met with only silence. Pulling out her keys once again, she flipped through them until she found her key to Myka’s apartment, a precaution Myka had given her in the event that for some reason Claudia would need in when she was at the store alone, or if Myka needed her to do something. She cracked open the door to darkness, only punctuated by the sunlight coming in through the curtains, “Myka?” She moved into the apartment, looking around, despite nothing seeming out of place, “Mykes, are you here?” Still nothing. Claudia moved back to Myka’s bedroom, but it was completely undisturbed, her bed was made, closet doors closed, nothing to give any indication as to why Myka was nowhere to be found. 

She gave another cursory glance around the apartment, looking hopelessly for any sort of indication as to where Myka might be. Finding none, she locked the door behind her and went back down to the store. As she walked across the floor, through the aisles of CDs, she stopped in her tracks, palm coming up to cover her face in exasperation, how could she have not thought of _that_? She pulled out her phone and pulled up H.G.’s number. She moved behind the counter to boot up the computer as it rang. _Of course_ , Myka would be with H.G. They had left her party early, clearly with _other_ plans for the evening, it made sense that they might have gotten caught up in the moment and that Myka overslept and would immediately feel guilty and promise to be there in minutes. 

“Hello?” H.G’s voice came through the phone groggy, thick, and strained.

“Uh, H.G.?” Claudia pulled her phone away from her ear making sure she had dialed the right number. The voice on the other end sounded _nothing_ like the H.G. she was used to.

“Yes, Claudia, it’s me.”

Claudia grimaced, maybe she had woken them up, and they clearly weren’t happy about it, “Uh sorry for the early wake up call, but I was wondering…is Myka with you? Because I’m at the store, and she’s not here, and she’s not in her apartment so I kinda figured…”

Claudia waited with bated breath for the chuckle, the contented sigh, for the weight to lift off of her shoulders, because obviously this was all a huge misunderstanding and H.G. would tell her any minute that Myka was there, with her. Yet, when H.G.’s voice did come it was tight and it sounded like she was choking back tears, masking them with a desultory scoff, “No, Myka is most definitely not with me.”

Claudia’s brows knitted, what the _hell_ was going on? She idly wondered if she had tripped into some sort of alternate timeline, where her life was nothing of what she had known before, despite appearing vaguely familiar. She took a deep breath, “Oh, well, umm, like I said I’m at work and she isn’t here. Do, do you have any idea where she might be?” 

H.G. gave another scoff, “I haven’t the foggiest Claudia, seeing as she hasn’t spoken with me since she broke up with me yesterday morning.”

“WHAT?! Wait, hold on, be kind, rewind. Did you just say she broke up with you?” Claudia’s fingers hung in midair above the keyboard where she was preparing to pull up the morning delivery schedule.

H.G. sighed and Claudia could hear her voice break, “Yes, I did Claudia, and don’t ask me why because I have no bloody clue. All I know is that I haven’t heard from her since yesterday morning. I have tried calling, multiple times, but her phone has gone straight to voicemail. I went by the apartment last night but she wasn’t there. If she isn’t there this morning either, I have no idea where she might be.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

Helena gave a weak, half-hearted chuckle that made Claudia wince, “Join the club darling.”

Claudia stood and started pacing around the store, all thoughts of work gone from her mind, “But…I thought…you guys left on Friday night clearly _really good_ , what the hell?”

“My sentiments exactly. Claudia listen, I have no idea where Myka is, and since I don’t have to work today, I would like to spend the foreseeable future not leaving my bed, so…”

Claudia let out an exasperated laugh, “Umm no, _hell_ no H.G. I am going to call Pete and then I am closing up the store, not that it’s really all that open now anyway, and I am coming over with ice cream and movies and I am going to drown you in best friend love.”

“Claudia you really…”

“Stop right there H.G., I will be over in a few. We are talking about this, or _not_ talking about this, whichever you would prefer, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you sit there alone, wallowing.”

H.G. sighed, “Ok, fine.” She paused, then let out softly, “Thank you.”

“No problem-o. See you in a bit.”

Claudia hung up and scrolled back through her contacts, desperately attempting to find Pete’s number, trying to tamp down her accelerated breathing. She had covered well with H.G., but inside she was screaming in panic, because _this_ was not like Myka, to disappear, to not let anybody know where she was, to leave the store without a word. She waited, bouncing on her heels, for Pete to answer, mumbling, “Come on Pete, pick up, pick up-pick up-pick up.”

Finally, the phone clicked through, “Top o’ the mornin’ Claudster, what can I do for ya?”

Claudia’s panic ratcheted up another notch, because clearly Pete had no idea what was happening, and if there was _anyone_ whom Myka would have gotten in touch with, it was Pete. If he was clueless, then they most definitely had a problem. She tried to keep herself from shouting, but it didn’t quite work, “Pete! We have a code red or code blue, black, whatever. CODE MYKA!!”

“What do you mean code Myka? Claud what’s going on?” Pete instantly sounded worried.

“She’s gone, Pete. I’m at the store and she is most definitely not here.”

She tried to say more but Pete interrupted her, “Claud, Claud, slow down, relax she’s probably just with H.G. You know, getting’ their lady _thang_ on, she probably lost track of time, chill, she’ll be there.”

“NO, she won’t! Pete, do you not think that I called H.G. first? She’s not there. She most definitely is not there, because H.G. just told me that Myka _broke up_ with her yesterday morning.”

“What?!”

“Welcome to the party, Pete. So, I say again code Myka.”

Claudia could hear the panic rising in Pete’s voice, “So she’s not there? Like at all? Not in her apartment? Has H.G. talked to her?”

“No, she isn’t here. No, she isn’t in her apartment. No, H.G. said she hasn’t heard from her since yesterday morning. She said she’s tried calling but it just goes straight to voicemail. Pete, I’m kind of freaking out over here.” Claudia’s voice was rising in frustration and fear, her arms flailing all around her as she talked.

“Shit…did H.G say what happened?”

“Nope. I’m going over there at some point, because trust me, she doesn’t sound good Pete, but I don’t know what to do…about any of this.”

Suddenly Claudia heard Pete give a sharp intake of breath and a muttered, “Jesus Christ…of course she would go there. Dammit Myka.”

“Pete! Earth to Pete, talk to me!!”

When his voice came, it was calm, at ease almost, “Go see H.G. Tell her, I will get Myka.”

Claudia shook her head incredulously, “What? Pete? I need more than that.”

“I know where she is Claud, trust me. Just tell H.G., that I promise I will get her.”

Claudia sighed, “Ok, whatever you say. I’m going to close up the store and head over there. Just keep me updated, ok?”

“Will do, and Claud?”

“Yeah?”

“It’ll be ok, I promise.”

Before she could respond Pete hung up.

**

Amanda poked her head around the kitchen doorway to stare at Pete where he was pacing the hallway, hand running through his hair, pulling it in every direction. He was so distracted her voice made him jump, “Babe? What’s going on?”

Pete looked at her, pale, mouth agape, “I really wish I could say I knew. Apparently, Myka broke up with H.G., and has done a pretty good impression of a disappearing act.”

Amanda’s reaction was the same as everyone else’s that morning, “What?! I mean, hold on, _what_?”

“I know…Claudia was really scant on details, but she said Myka isn’t at the store, and so she called H.G. to see if they were together, because, _obviously_ , but H.G. said Myka broke up with her yesterday morning and she hasn’t heard from her since.”

Amanda’s eyes narrowed in curiosity, “She just broke up with her? No explanations whatsoever? And now no one knows where she is?”

Pete threw up his arms, “Apparently. H.G. didn’t really tell Claudia much else. However, I am absolutely positive I know where she is.”

Amanda screwed up her face in exasperation, “Where?”

Pete gave her a pointed look, “Think about it ‘Mands.”

Amanda thought for a few seconds and then leaned her head against the door frame, “Oh for Christ’s sake…she’s at the cabin.”

Pete nodded, “She’s at the cabin. It would explain why her phone isn’t working _and_ we all know it’s her go-to place when she wants to run away. Claudia would have figured it out eventually I think, if she wasn’t so freaked out.”

Amanda walked towards Pete and leaned against the wall across from where he continued to pace, “I don’t get this Pete, I don’t get this at all. You saw them on Friday, we _all_ saw them on Friday, they were practically falling all over each other as we left. What on earth could have happened between then and now?”

Pete gave a childish smirk, “Maybe things weren’t as _good_ as they were expecting them to be.” He waggled his eyebrows, though Amanda could tell his heart wasn’t truly in it.

She hit him with the towel she still held in her hands, “Oh stop, and regardless, that isn’t exactly a reason to break up.”

“I know…I’m just trying to…to beat my panic into submission I think. If she’s at the cabin…Amanda, you know she only goes there when she’s like at absolute rock bottom. If H.G. is as distraught as Claudia claimed she was, then that says to me that Myka did this completely out of the blue, and that cannot mean anything good.”

“She hasn’t been up there since when? Abigail?” 

Pete just nodded, eyes moving wildly as he tried to process everything that needed to happen, everything that could possibly _have_ happened to bring them to this point. Amanda reached out and touched his arm lightly, when he turned back towards her, there were tears rimming his eyes, “ ‘Mands I don’t get this. I don’t even _want_ to get this. I thought…I finally thought Mykes was happy, why on earth would she do this?”

Amanda wrapped her arms around Pete’s shoulders, “Babe, you have known Myka for ten years, at any point have you known her to not run away at some point when things have gotten too deep?”

Pete sighed, “No. I know, I just…I thought things with H.G. would be different.”

Amanda pulled back and ran a hand across Pete’s cheek, “They still can be. Call me crazy, but I’m still betting on those two.”

“You are crazy,” Pete smirked, “but I love you because of it. I just really hope you’re right.”

“Do you really think that H.G. is going to go down without a fight? We’ve all seen them together Pete, there’s something there, there’s _more than something_ there.”

Pete shook his head, “H.G.’s tough…I just hope she’s tough enough for _this_.”

Amanda sighed and pressed her forehead to Pete’s, “I do too.” She sighed deeply, “So what are we going to do?”

Pete ran a hand over his face, “ ‘Mands…”

Amanda chuckled incredulously, “Oh come on, don’t tell me I don’t get to come?”

Pete at least had the grace to look guilty, “You know this has to be me Amanda. Mykes loves you, don’t get me wrong, and _I_ love you, but you know you will go up there and break down the door and simply try to drag her ass home.”

A smirk pulled at the corner of Amanda’s lips, though she tried to look offended, “Don’t you think that’s what we _should_ be doing?”

Pete shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe, but honestly? Tough love isn’t going to work here, and you know that.”

Amanda just shook her head, smiling softly, “You and Myka and your weird ways of dealing.”

Pete pulled her into a tight hug, “We absolutely own the weird, I will give you that.” He pulled away slightly, placing his hands against Amanda’s cheeks, “Promise me you aren’t going to kick my ass when I get home for going without you…”

Amanda stood on her tiptoes and kissed him lightly, “I promise.” She sighed, “You’re right babe, if there is anyone that is going to pull Myka out of whatever she’s in right now, it’s going to be you. The rest of us would just be in the way. What are you going to do about work though?”

Pete shrugged, “I’ll call Dan on the way up. He can handle practice today, he probably should actually since they’re all his at their meet tomorrow. I have a date with a recording studio tomorrow afternoon, so we will definitely be home by then.”

Amanda’s eyes widened in surprise, “You sound awfully confident on that front.”

“Yeah, well, I’m _not entirely_ adverse to the dragging her home idea.”

Amanda chuckled and kissed his cheek, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Pete sighed heavily, “I’m worried ‘Mands, like really, _really_ worried.”

Amanda leaned back against the wall, staring down at her toes, “I know…I am too, but we’ve been through this before, and it’s turned out ok. She’ll turn this around.”

“My confident girl…”

Amanda laughed lightly, “I’m confident in _your_ abilities to help her see straight on this babe. You’re the Myka whisperer, if anyone can help her with this, it’s you.”

Pete nodded, trying to appear more confident than he felt, “I know. I’ll handle it. God knows we’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than breakups before.”

Amanda grimaced, “That’s true, but we both know this is a whole hell of a lot more than just a breakup…she _loves_ that woman Pete.”

“Who Myka? Or H.G.?

“Both dummy,” Amanda winked.

Pete glanced at his watch, “I should get moving. I need to pack a few things, then I should probably hit the road. It’s going to take me a couple of hours to get up there.”

“So I shouldn’t anticipate you home tonight?”

Pete shook his head as he headed up the stairs towards their room, “Probably not, but I’ll take my laptop so I can at least let you know how things are going at some point. You know I will have zero reception up there. Jesus, they _had_ to buy a place in the middle of nowhere…”

“I think at the time that was the point.”

“I know, I know.” Pete’s feet stalled on the stairs as he watched a look of concern fall over Amanda’s face. He walked back down the stairs a few steps, “ ‘Mands…it’s going to be ok.”

Amanda took in a deep breath, “I just want her to be happy. I want them _both_ to be happy… _with_ each other. I don’t want her to keep running away from this.”

Pete sighed, “I know, but we can’t force her into anything, you know that. All we can do is support her and help in whatever way we can.”

“And kicking her ass if necessary.”

Pete chuckled, “Yes, _if necessary_.”

Pete packed his things quickly then kissed Amanda goodbye and climbed into his truck, not even bothering to punch the address into his GPS, he knew far too well where he was going, despite not having been there in years.

**

_Pikes Peak Coffee, Colorado Springs, Fall 2003_

“You bought a _cabin_? Pete stared incredulously at Myka and Sam where they sat cuddled up together in a booth at the back of the coffee shop.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yes, Pete, that’s what we _just_ said.”

“Where? Why?”

Sam chuckled, “Here we thought the prospect of an infinite resource for s’mores would have been enough to make you think this was a good idea.”

Pete pointed a quick finger at Sam, his eyes suddenly sparkling, “I _had not_ thought of that. Excellent point Sam my man. Ok, I’m in. I am all aboard the cabin train.”

Amanda sighed and ran a hand down Pete’s arm, eyeing Myka carefully, “You totally meant what you said when you warned me that he would eat me out of house and home didn’t you? Should I rethink this whole culinary school thing?”

Myka laughed into her coffee mug, “Yes I meant it, and _hell no_ because then you would be depriving _us_ of your food too, and that is unacceptable.”

Amanda shrugged, “I suppose that’s a good point. Ok, back to this cabin. I echo Pete’s earlier questions, but with a bit more enthusiasm than doubt. Where’d you buy it? What made you decide to do it?”

Sam squeezed his arm tightly around Myka’s shoulders, dropping a quick kiss to her head, “Allenspark, out near Pear Lake. It’s kind of out in the middle of nowhere, but it has a fantastic view of the lake, and it’s so quiet. The second we saw it, we were sold.”

Myka smiled, “We went up there for fall break to get away for a bit, and then we figured, it might be nice to have that option whenever we needed it. A place of our own to just hide out away from the chaos. You guys know how crazy things have been lately, since the whole Billboard thing.”

Pete chuckled, “The whole _Billboard_ thing, like it isn’t a huge, crazy deal that your album just hit number one.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “We just thought it would be a good idea, so we ran with it. Maybe it was a bit impulsive.”

Amanda waved a dismissive hand, “Most people buy some stupid sports car or something when they hit it big, I think _this_ is a fantastic idea. You guys deserve a little bit of peace and quiet _and_ you definitely deserve to go a little crazy, celebrate a bit.”

Sam nodded, “ _That_ is exactly what I said.”

Pete shot Myka a quick wink, “The fact that you convinced her so quickly means she must have loved it, so I say good call. So! When do we get to see the place, when do I received my first dose of these alleged s’mores?”

“I swear one of these days my eyes are going to just be stuck in a permanent rolling position if I keep hanging out with you Lattimer,” Myka smirked.

“You love me, and it was your man over there that brought up the s’mores.”

“He has a point, Bunny, that _was_ all me. What if we head up next weekend? It isn’t that far. You guys don’t have classes on Friday, we could make it a long weekend, and it would give us a chance to take an initial load of stuff up.”

Pete and Amanda both smiled, “We’re in.”

“Bunny?” Sam turned smiling eyes towards her.

“As long as I don’t have to pay for all of Pete’s s’mores supplies, I’m absolutely in,” she winked at Pete’s mock offended face as she pressed a kiss to Sam’s cheek.

**

Pete sighed as he pulled onto I-25. The four of them had spent so much time up there. Even when Myka and Sam’s lives got crazy, they always made sure to make time, before and after each tour to get away, just the four of them. Amanda would take off of work, he would leave any wrestling tournaments up to the other coaches, Myka and Sam wouldn’t schedule any meetings or appearances, and they would all pile into his truck, and just escape for as long as they were able. 

**

_Pear Lake, Allenspark, Coloardo, Late Spring 2006_

“So three months on the road, you ready and rarin’ to go Sam-o?” Pete cast his fishing line into the lake with a small splash.

Sam lifted his face to the sun, letting it glint off of his sunglasses, “You know it. I cannot wait. I mean you’ve heard this album, Pete. This is some of Myka’s best stuff, the crowds are just going to eat that up.”

“I never would have guessed that my shy, quiet Myka Bering had so much _soul_ in her.”

Sam chuckled and shook his head with a smile, “She never ceases to amaze that’s for sure.”

Pete sighed and eyed Sam carefully. He was always _so_ excited about going out on the road, always _more_ excited than Myka. He nudged Sam’s shoulder, “You’ll take care of her right? Out on the road?”

Sam gave him a bit of a shocked look that was almost offended, “Of course I will. You know I will. Did she say something to you?”

Pete shook his head quickly, “No, no, I just…I don’t know, I tend to go a little big brother on her, you know that. I worry about her that’s all.”

Sam clapped a light hand to Pete’s shoulder, his smile a little too bright, his laugh a little too forced, “You know she’s in good hands, Pete. I got her.”

*

Amanda looked out the kitchen window at Pete and Sam fishing. She gave a light laugh as she turned her attention back to the vegetables she was chopping, “Those two are stubborn. They never catch any fish in that damn lake…”

“And yet, every time we’re here…there they are… _fishing_ ,” Myka smirked as she stirred a pot on the stove.

“ _Boys_ , I suppose.”

Myka chuckled, “Something like that, though I think sometimes they’re just avoiding us.”

“And yet, I know the second you get on that tour bus, it will take all of twenty minutes before Pete is whining pathetically about how much he misses you.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You’d think after six years, he wouldn’t mind a little bit of time away from me. I thought that was supposed to be one of the benefits of his having a _girlfriend_.”

Amanda laughed loud and long, “Oh boy, wow, no. Now I think we simply have joint custody of him, I’m never taking him on full time by myself.” She sighed, “He worries about you.”

Myka nodded, “I know he does, and Lord knows I spend enough time worrying about him, so I guess it all balances out.”

“Myka…are you sure you guys are up for this tour? It seems like quite a bit endeavor.”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “It is, but we’ll be ok. I’m kind of starting to look forward to it.”

“Well, I will go on record as saying that Pete is not the only one who is going to miss you. Who is going to miss you _both_.”

Myka leaned back at an angle and pressed a quick kiss to Amanda’s cheek, “We love you guys too. We won’t be gone _that_ long.”

“And once you’re home, we’ll be right back here, just like always.”

Myka smiled brightly, “Just like always.”

**

Pete turned up the radio, trying to tamp down the memories that were overwhelming his thoughts. That had been the last time the four of them had gone to the cabin. They had had an entire week planned together for after that tour, but then Myka had found out about Giselle and everything went to hell. Myka had declared she never wanted to see the cabin again, telling Sam that he could take her name off the deed, telling him that it was all his, she didn’t want any part of it anymore. It was just too hard. _Afterwards_ though, after everything that had happened, when all the paperwork had been sorted out, Sam’s parents informed Myka that he had never removed her name from any of the papers, and that it was hers, if she wanted it. She had debated selling it, doubting her ability to ever walk back into it again without feeling completely overwhelmed, yet she had never done it. She couldn’t bring herself to sell. 

It had been three weeks after Sam’s funeral that Myka pulled her first little disappearing act, not telling anyone where she was going, fleeing into the night without a note, a call, anything. That time it had taken Pete _days_ to figure out where she had gone, but eventually he and Amanda had driven up and found her there, crying in front of the fireplace, curled up in one of Sam’s old shirts. 

Pete shook his head vigorously and took a large drink of his cream soda. Those were memories he _refused_ to let resurface. It was just too much. It had happened once every couple of months for the first few months after Sam died, but eventually Myka had started to cope, started to feel less of a need to escape. Eventually, it only happened in the most painful of moments. Pete sighed, he could only remember two other times that Myka had done this in the last two years, and even then neither of those instances felt like that much of a disappearance. When Myka had finally and for the last time told her dad that she wasn’t taking over the store, when they had gotten into the biggest fight Pete could ever remember them having, he knew that the cabin would be where she would go, to think, to process, to just get away. He hadn’t been _worried_ then, he had simply known that it was what she needed to make her peace with the choices she had made. The second time, they _all_ had seen it coming. They all simply _figured_ that after she had broken up with Abigail she would need her space. They all knew from the moment the relationship had started that it would end up in flames, and so when it did, they let Myka flee and deal and process on her own, none of them more concerned than usual. That’s why this time felt so _different_. Pete could feel it in his very core that this was the Myka of old, the Myka who fled when she couldn’t handle her life, who disappeared so she didn’t have to face whatever she _needed_ to face.

He willed the mile markers to pass by quicker. He just wanted to _get there_.

**

Pete turned his car down the near invisible driveway that led to the cabin. Before he even saw Myka’s car, he knew she was there, he could see the smoke filtering through the chimney. He maneuvered his truck next to Myka’s car, and leaned his head back against his seat, taking in deep breaths, unsure of what he would be facing when he walked in, unsure if it was going to be something he would be able to fix, unsure if he would be able to find the right words to say. Yet, he knew this was where he needed to be. He grabbed his bag from the back, if there was anyone would could get through to Myka, he knew it was him. He just hoped she would listen.

**

Myka sighed and tried to sink further into the couch cushions. The second she heard the tires on the driveway, she knew it was Pete. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew, she maybe _hoped_ , that he would find her. He _always_ found her, never inclined to let her hide or wallow or run away without first making sure he got in what he always knew needed to be said. She looked at her watch, she’d barely been there for 24 hours, Pete was getting better at this whole hide and seek thing. Hearing the door to his truck close, she flung herself off the couch and opened the door before he was able to knock. 

They just stood there, in the doorway, staring at each other, not saying a word for a solid two minutes. Pete taking in the redness rimming Myka’s eyes behind her glasses, the sag of her shoulders, the utter look of defeat on her face. Myka could feel a fresh wave of tears coming on as she looked at Pete, looking so sympathetic, so worried, so very _Pete_. Finally, something broke inside of Myka’s chest, and Pete instantly set the pizza box he was holding down on the porch, and let her fall into his chest, holding her tightly, as her cries drowned into his shirt. He sighed, how many times had they been in this exact same position? How many more times _would_ they have to be in this position, before Myka stopped fighting off her own happiness? He ran a hand through her curls, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “Oh man, Mykes…”

He heard her take in a gulping breath, muttering, “Thank you for coming…”

He pulled her out of his arms, holding her at arms length, hands pressed lightly against her shoulders, “You know I will _always_ be here. You can run away from the rest of the world Mykes, but you can’t run away from me. I hate to tell ya, but you’re stuck with me.”

She gave a watery laugh, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I’m ok with that.”

Pete sighed and bent down to retrieve the pizza, “I wouldn’t be so sure of that after what I have to say next.” 

Myka looked away, more tears falling along her jawline, “And what’s that Pete?”

“That you get supportive, consoling Pete for the exact length of one of the movies in my bag and the lifespan of this pizza, and then we’re talking.”

Myka let out a soft, slightly scoffing chuckle, “I could just let that pizza linger for as long as possible.”

Pete patted his stomach, “Umm, have you forgotten who you are sharing this pizza with woman? If you don’t finish it, I will.”

She just nodded and stepped back from the door, letting Pete in. He took a deep breath, “God, this place still smells the same…”

Myka closed the door and moved back around to the couch, “Some things never change I guess.”

“Can I drop my bag in the guest room?”

Myka laughed, a laugh that _almost_ sounded like herself, “The guest room? More like yours and Amanda’s room. No one else has ever slept in there.” Pete just shrugged and continued to wait by the door. Myka sighed, “Of course you can, since it appears you plan on keeping me company for the night. Sheets are where they always were if you feel like getting settled now.”

“Sounds good.” He set the pizza on the coffee table and gave a light kick to Myka’s shins where her legs were drawn up under her chin, “Why don’t you get us some drinks around, I’ll be down in a minute.”

Pete walked up the stairs, feet carrying him instinctively to the bedroom he and Amanda had spent more nights in than he could remember. He desperately tried to fight back the memories that were pulling at his subconscious. This wasn’t about Myka and Sam anymore, or about the four of them, this was about Myka and H.G., and he had to stay focused on that. He tossed his bag onto the chair in the corner, and pulled sheets from the closet, throwing them onto the bed. He’d deal with them later, but they gave him a good excuse to spend a few more minutes up here than were entirely necessary. He pulled out his laptop from his bag and sunk onto the bed, hoping that Myka hadn’t changed the wi-fi password. He waited as his computer booted up, Amanda’s bright smile shining out at him from his background. He clicked over to his connections and typed in the password that he remembered. It took a few seconds, but finally it connected. “Thank God,” he breathed out. Quickly, he pulled up his e-mail, knowing that if he took too long, Myka would start to wonder what he was doing. First, he sent a quick note to Amanda.

_Mands, I’m here. Things aren’t exactly great…but she at least seemed like she was expecting me to show up. I’ll check in again tonight…Love you babe._

_P.S. Can you let Claud know I’m here and that Mykes is ok?_

He pulled up another e-mail window, trying to figure out how to word the next message. He ran a hand through the stubble along his chin, sighing, how did he explain this without writing out an entire novel? He shook his head and started typing.

_H.G._  
I’m sure Claudia gave you a heads up that I had a pretty good idea about where Myka was today. Well, really, really long story short, I’ve got her. Mykes has a cabin a couple hours north of town, but she doesn’t come here a lot. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that I’m here with her now, and I’m hoping we’ll both be back tomorrow sometime and hopefully you guys can talk. I’m so sorry that this is going on H.G., I really am. I will do whatever I can to try and get things under control on this end. I should be able to check my messages again later, if you have any questions or just want to check in. There’s no cell service where we’re at, that’s why her phone kept kicking you to voicemail. Just email if you need anything.   
~Pete 

He read back over it. It sounded really vague and kind of weird and he knew he was probably giving H.G. more questions than she had before, but he didn’t really know what else to say. He hoped that Claudia was keeping her company or at least trying to keep her calm or distracted or whatever she needed. This would be a lot easier if they could keep H.G. from falling completely off the deep end. If she kept her head about her, things might be ok. If he could just get Myka to talk and explain, then he might be able to help, and if H.G. just kept calm, they might be able to save this thing before it fell apart. 

He grabbed a stack of movies out of his bag and headed back downstairs. Myka had gotten them both glasses of water, and set out plates and napkins for them on the coffee table. She grimaced when he came down the stairs and eyed the table, “I’m sorry. All I had other than water was wine…”

He waved off her apology, “Totally ok.” He tossed the stack of movies onto the couch next to her, “Ladies choice, whatever you want.”

She flipped through them before laughing and holding on of them up, “Total Recall, really Pete? You thought I would actually _pick_ Total Recall?””

He shrugged his shoulders and pulled a piece of pizza onto a plate, “Get your ass to Mars, Mykes. Get your ass to Mars.”

Myka couldn’t help laughing at his terrible impression, “You’re insane.”

“Says the girl hiding out in the woods…”

She rolled her eyes, “Touché Lattimer.” She sighed, Pete’s choices for movies weren’t exactly spectacular, but they were all at least ridiculously long, giving her plenty of time to prepare for whatever he would say to her later, enough time to postpone the inevitable for as long as possible. She tossed one of them into his lap where he sat on the floor, “This works.”

Pete chuckled, “See this is why I love you, because you fully support my superhero obsession.”

“You don’t really give me much of a choice. You’ve made me watch this at least ten times since it came out.”

“Oh come on Mykes, Iron Man is a _badass_. You, a fellow badass yourself, should appreciate that.”

She just shook her head, “Just put the movie in Pete.” She idly grabbed a small slice of pizza and sunk back into the couch.

As Pete moved to put the DVD in, his eyes stole to the corner where one of Myka’s pianos was tucked up against a large picture window that looked out onto the lake. There was a notebook propped against the music stand, and pages and pages of notebook paper scattered all around the bench, some crumpled up into balls, others neatly stacked and paper-clipped together. He walked over and flipped through a couple of the pages resting on the top of the piano, despite Myka’s incredulous, quiet calling of his name trying to get him to stop. He looked at her over his shoulder, “You always did say that breakups were great fodder for writing.”

“I thought I was allowed a one movie, one pizza buffer before we talked about this?” Myka covered her eyes with the crook of her arm, her glasses digging into bridge of her nose.

Pete looked down once more at one of the pages, noticing a small crinkled dot in the corner that looked an awful lot like a mark from tears hitting the page, but he just turned back towards her, not wanting to infringe on whatever she had been working on, “You’re right, you are totally allowed that buffer. However, can I say _one_ more thing before it starts?”

Myka sighed, arm still over her face, “ _Sure_.”

“ _Love_ is also great fodder for song writing Mykes.”

“Yeah, well love songs were never really my specialty.”

Pete just shook his head and bent down to put the movie in, muttering, “You keep telling yourself that Mykes.”

He grabbed the remote and moved back to the couch, lifting up Myka’s legs and sitting down, placing them back across his lap. He tossed another piece of pizza onto both of their plates, even though they’d barely touched their first ones, and gave her knee a squeeze, “You can remove your arm from your face. Your buffer officially starts now, just enjoy the movie, and eat your pizza. I bought it for both us after all.”

Halfway through the movie, and entirely through the pizza, Myka tugged on the sleeve of Pete’s shirt. He looked at her, brow crinkling in concern. She didn’t say anything, just moved so that she was laying on her side, lifting up his arm, and curling her head into his lap. Pete took a deep breath, wanting to say something, wanting to try to stop the tears that were pooling in Myka’s eyes again, but he had promised her this time, so he stayed silent, simply resting his arm around her shoulders, and letting her tears pool against the denim of his jeans. He closed his eyes and ran his free hand down his face, wondering if the two of them had finally found the problem they were incapable of solving. 

**

Pete waited until the very last credit had rolled, until every last second of text had scrolled across the screen, and the DVD had clicked back over to the menu. He could feel Myka tensing underneath his arm, but he knew that it wouldn’t do her any good if he ran away from the reason he had come up here. He turned the DVD player off, then the TV, lifting her head up slightly, moving towards the fire, and placing fresh logs against it, stoking it up against the embers flying up the chimney. He grabbed their empty glasses from the table and went into the kitchen to refill them with water. He picked up an open pound bag of Twizzlers from the counter, tucked them under his arm, took a deep breath and moved back out into the living room. Myka had curled back up into her corner of the couch, a blanket tucked tightly around her ankles. He set the water down on the table, and handed her the Twizzlers, which she took with a small smile. He looked around, he didn’t want to have to do this, but he knew he needed to, he just needed a few more seconds to get his thoughts together. He walked quickly over to the stereo in the corner, and turned on some music quietly. He sighed heavily, there was nothing else left to help him stall, he took a long drink of his water and collapsed into the opposite corner of the couch. Myka wouldn’t meet his eye, a Twizzler dangling between her teeth. Pete just stared at her for a few minutes, she looked so defeated, more defeated than he’d seen her in a long time. He set his glass down on the table, louder than he intended, “Mykes, what are you doing?”

She bit off the end of her Twizzler, “Geez you were really serious about the buffer weren’t you? Just diving right in…”

“Yes I am, because I do not get what is happening right now Mykes. I don’t get it at all. Why the hell are you here? Why the _hell_ did you break up with H.G.?”

Myka sighed and tugged on one of her curls, “It’s complicated, Pete.”

“No, no, no, _hell_ no. You don’t get to brush me off, you don’t get to give me some lame excuse like ‘it’s complicated.’ Talk to me Myka. Please. You cannot tell me this is what you really want. Because if it was, you wouldn’t be hiding up here.”

“I just…I don’t know what to say.”

Pete ran his hands aggressively through his hair, sighing, “Mykes, do you remember the day you punched Walter?”

She scoffed, “You know I do.”

“Ok, sure, yes the punching, but do you remember what happened after that? Do you remember why you were at my apartment in the first place?”

She turned tired eyes towards the fire, she knew exactly where this was going, and she hated Pete just a little bit for turning that situation around and thus _against_ her, but she also loved him for remembering, for _knowing_ that this was what she needed, “I was there to talk, _beat_ , some sense into you if necessary.”

“Exactly. You realized that I was throwing my life away and you weren’t going to let me do it without a fight. You came into my room guns blazing, telling me that I needed to get my shit together. You knew that I needed my ass kicked, Mykes.”

“Yeah, and look what happened…you kicked me out, Pete. My ass kicking wasn’t exactly productive.”

“Is that you threatening to kick _me_ out?” Myka didn’t say anything, her lip pulled taut between her teeth, as she simply shook her head. Pete reached out and gave her knee a squeeze, “Mykes, _you_ were the one that helped me get my life back together. _You_ were the one that could tell when I was at my lowest, and you pulled me back from the brink. _You_ were the one I trusted enough to call when I was almost gone. This is what we do for each other Myka. _Please_ , just talk to me. Don’t make me kick your ass.”

That at least earned a small laugh, a twinkle shining out through the tears in Myka’s eyes. She sighed, not bothering to swipe away the tears as they started to fall, “I’m an idiot, Pete, and I wish I could tell you _why_ exactly I’m here, but the only thing I know is that I made a stupid, impulsive mistake and now, I’m doing what I _always_ do, rather than dealing with it, I’m running away.”

“What happened, Myka? Something had to have happened, you don’t just do this completely out of the blue without a reason. We all saw you guys on Friday, you were crazy, ridiculously happy.”

Myka choked out a sarcastic laugh, “Tell me about it. Friday night was…probably one of the best nights of my life Pete, and _no_ you do not get details.”

Pete held up his hands in surrender, “Hey, hey, hey, what you ladies do on your own time…”

Myka rolled her eyes and continued, “You’re right though, Friday was damn near perfect.”

“So what happened?”

Myka took a deep breath and let the words flow out of her, “I…I had a dream.” She held up a hand to still Pete’s words which she could see forming, “I know, _I know_ , it sounds ridiculous, just hear me out ok?” Pete nodded slowly, as she sighed, “I cannot tell you how _real_ this felt Pete. It was like I was being forced to live through the worst moments of my life _and_ my worst fears all at the same time. It was Sam and Giselle, and then it was _Helena_ and Giselle. It was Helena telling me that this was just a fling, that the band was the reason she was here, and that whatever happened with you guys, that was what mattered, even if it meant leaving me. It was you guys going out on tour and she and I completely falling away from each other, even though we didn’t want to. It was Sam, Pete, all over again. I was in that hospital room, just staring at him and before I could do anything about it, before I could force myself awake, it was Helena, right there, on that same goddamn table, and I was powerless to do anything about it. That image just wouldn’t go away. Her there, but not there. Her just completely gone from me, just like Sam. I…I woke up and I tried Pete, I _tried_ to force it away, to forget, and I couldn’t, and it made me realize that maybe I cannot handle this. I can’t deal with the prospect of losing her Pete. You know what losing Sam did to me…if…if I lost Helena…Pete, I’d be gone. That realization hit me so hard, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and so…I did the only thing I could think to do…”

“You ended it? Just like that?” All Myka could do was nod. Pete sighed and stared into the fire. He had to do this gently, because he _knew_ Myka and he knew this was about a lot more than just a dream. He knew that the dream was simply the last straw, a convenient excuse for all the other things she was desperately trying to avoid talking about, dealing with. He looked back towards her, with what he hoped was a sympathetic look, “Did you tell H.G. any of that Myka? About the dream? About any of it?”

Myka’s voice was barely audible, “No.”

The sympathetic look was gone and he knew it, but he also found he didn’t care, though he did regret how incredulous and frustrated his voice sounded, “Why? Why not tell her Mykes? She would have understood…”

Myka’s voice matched his as it came out, biting and bitter and filled with decades of anguish, “Because then she would have _finally_ realized how totally fucked up I am Pete! And then she probably would have left me anyway, so why not save myself _that_ horror and just do it myself?”

“Oh _come on_ Mykes! Give H.G. a _little_ more credit than that!” Pete stood, his frustration no longer able to keep him contained to a calm corner of the couch. He paced towards the picture window, trying to find a glimmer of solace in the calm of the ice on the lake, “She would have listened to you Myka. She would have given you time and space and whatever you needed to deal, and she would have _helped_. You wouldn’t have had to deal alone. Don’t you think it would have been better to explain all that to her? Get all your fears out on the table, so that you could, ya know, _deal_ with them _together_ , as a couple?” Pete sighed and turned back towards the window, unable to speak his next words to Myka’s face, “She _loves_ you Myka. How can you think she wouldn’t have understood? How can you think that _this_ is better? Breaking her heart without even an explanation…”

Myka’s voice came out defeated, wrapped around a sob, “You can’t honestly think that I don’t love her too. How can you not see that loving her _so goddamn much_ is precisely my problem?”

Pete turned around and leaned against the piano, feeling the chill emanating from the window pushing against his back. His voice, when it came, was softer, gentler, a version of himself more recognizable to Myka, “Explain to me how loving her is a problem.”

“Loving her is the problem, because what happens when she wakes up and finally realizes that I am way too messed up, way too broken of a person for her to be with? What happens when she realizes that who I am, is just _not_ what she wants? Pete, we’ve been together for six weeks, and already I am so far in I can’t see straight. The way I feel about Helena…it’s something I don’t even recognize. What am I supposed to do when I find out she can’t possibly feel that way about me? What am I supposed to do when I find out that she’s realized, what Sam realized, that there is a way better option than me?”

Pete sighed under the weight of his shoulders sagging. He walked steady feet back towards the couch and settled right next to Myka’s knees, grasping one her hands in his own, “Mykes, eventually you are going to have to realize that no one else sees you that way. No one sees you as broken or messed up or however else you see yourself in your head. You, Myka Bering, are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You have been through _hell_ and back, a couple of times Mykes, sometimes carrying other people on your back, myself included, and you’re still here, you’re still standing. You are the only person who sees that as brokenness. And before I say anything else, I’m going to say this one thing, and I’m never going to say it again. I loved Sam, Mykes, I really did, and I miss him, _however_ , he was an asshole for what he did to you, and there is a part of me that will never forgive him for that. You cannot think for _one second_ that that woman was a better option than you. Sam got really messed up and got his priorities and his ego and whatever else completely fucked up and he made a mistake that we both know he regretted. That, _Giselle_ , that wasn’t about you. That was about Sam’s inability to grow up.”

“I just…some days I just don’t get how someone like her, someone as incredible as her, with all of her strength and passion and _fire_ could look at me the way she does. And then I realize that it scares the _hell_ out of me that I’ve known her for all of four months, and honestly, I cannot imagine my life with anyone else. I mean how on earth does this happen, Pete? That someone like her could possible love…me?”

Pete closed his eyes tightly, willing his breathing to stay calm and composed, “That is a whole lot of bullshit, and do you know why? Because that person talking? That isn’t you, and don’t hate me or punch me for this, Myka, but that person, that’s your fucking father talking.”

“Pete!”

“No, Mykes, I’m serious, I will not bring him up one more time today if you can look me in the eye and tell me that part of this, part of _all of this_ , isn’t because he said something totally out of line Saturday. You look me in the eye and tell me that you and your dad had a perfectly good time at Ethan’s party, and I will drop it.” Myka bit her lip and looked down at the condensation gathering on her water glass, spilling small droplets between her fingers. Pete sighed, “I knew it. We cannot keep having this same conversation Myka. Your father…your father is more words than are really appropriate for me to say, and I hate that you let him get in your head like this, that you let him dictate how you see yourself. This version of you right now,” he pointed a finger up and down her balled up body to emphasize his point, “ _this_ isn’t my Myka. The Myka that broke up with the woman she loves through a text message, that isn’t my Myka. The Myka that ran away up here and didn’t tell anyone, well that’s _kind of_ my Myka, but regardless. All of this, is what your fucking father wants you to believe about yourself. You know who _my_ , who _H.G.’s_ , Myka Bering is? She’s the woman who put her life back together when few people would have been able to recover. She’s the woman who sat with me every Friday night for the first two years I struggled through AA. She’s the woman who helped me graduate from college and get a decent job. She’s the woman who took in Claudia when she had no one else and created something amazing with her. She’s the woman who had the guts to walk up to a complete stranger and introduce herself all because he had drumsticks in his hand. She’s the woman who has had _thousands_ of people sing her songs back at her at the top of their lungs. She’s the woman who someone exactly like Helena Wells with all of her badassery looks at and says, hell yes, _that’s_ the woman I want to be with. She’s the woman who doesn’t give a shit what her father thinks about her, and only gives a damn about the fact that the life she has, the life she has built on her own, is pretty damn amazing.”

Myka stayed silent for a long time, until she took in a shaky breath, “And I know that Pete. I know that _this_ , this isn’t who I want to be. I want everything about my life the way it is right now, you guys, the store, Helena. I want that, and most days, I just sit back in awe of how damn lucky I am that I have it. Days like Friday? Those days make me do a double take that this is where I’ve ended up.”

Myka’s voice stalled, and a haze almost like a tremor passed through her eyes. Pete gave her knee a squeeze, “But?”

“But then I realize that I could lose all of this so easily, _too easily_ , and I realize that I cannot handle that. I cannot even begin to fathom losing this Pete, and if I did…I don’t think I’d recover.”

“So forcing yourself to lose it is better?” Pete sought to school his voice to keep its sympathetic tone and not let it slip into the incredulousness that was creeping at its edges.

“I don’t know…maybe…maybe I am delusional enough to convince myself that yes that is better because at least it happened on my terms, as something that I can control.”

Pete looked around the cabin, “Would you call this being in control, Mykes?”

Her voice was a near whisper, “No. Right now I feel like my entire life is a massive ball of completely uncontrolled chaos.”

“Then why are you still here? Why are you here, instead of home, fixing this? Why are you stuck in this cabin with all of its baggage and _memories_ , instead of in Helena’s apartment making this better?”

“Because I don’t know how to love her and _not_ be fucking terrified that she’s going to disappear, Pete!” Myka covered her face with her hands, giving an exasperated groan, that quickly dissipated into quiet tears. She took a stuttering breath, “Pete…I can’t go through that again, that kind of loss, _this_ kind of loss, I just can’t.”

“But Mykes, why are you so certain that you’ll lose her? What’s driving that Mykes? Because it has to be something…”

Myka sighed, “It’s just everything about this that feels like I’ve seen it happen before, that I’ve _lived_ this before. I had told myself, after Sam, after everything, that I just could not fall for another musician, and maybe that seems stupid, but it’s just everything about that life, everything that drove Sam and I apart, I can’t go through that again, and now…” Myka rolled her eyes and ran a hand across her neck, “Now, it feels like it’s happening again. I mean, Pete, when she told me Saturday night about you guys deciding to go with Kelly and how you were going to be starting on a demo, it sent me into a spiral, like I could just see it all happening before it even started. You guys are _so, so good_ , and your break is _right there_ , and what happens when _that_ happens, and there are tours and schedules and everything is in chaos? What happens when it’s Sam and I all over again? The fighting, the stress, the everything? When she sees that that life is so all-encompassing and amazing and that our life, whatever it might be here, is so small?”

Pete gave a slow nod of his head, “I get that Mykes. I get that worry, but unfortunately even self-imposed rules don’t stop us from falling in love with the people we were _meant_ to fall in love with. Musician or not, you and H.G.? That was always going to happen. But Myka, Helena _is not_ Sam. This? The band? You two? This isn’t your life coming back around full circle, this is something new and something completely different. You’ve said it yourself that how you feel about H.G. is already so different from Sam, why do you think the result is going to be the same?”

“I don’t know…I never said this fear was _rational_ Pete. Because you’re right…it is so completely different, and that scares the hell out of me. I mean, how can I feel so much so soon? How can I be this deep already, Pete? I mean this isn’t sane.”

“Oh Mykes, you of all people know that love isn’t sane. I mean, Jesus, look at me and Amanda. We met in a coffee shop when I was struggling through AA and my life was a complete wreck. I am a complete goofball and that woman is stoic and serious and sweet and yet _we work_. Just like you and H.G. work Mykes. Being in this deep this soon isn’t a bad thing Myka. It might just mean you’ve finally found the right kind of love.”

Myka chuckled half-heartedly, “Tracy said that exact same thing to me Saturday night.”

“Then maybe you need to start listening…”

“I’ve screwed this up so badly, Pete. I don’t even know how to go about fixing it.”

Pete smirked and gave her a mocking glare, “You know what would be a great first step? Going home. Or at least going to a place that has ya know, cell service so you can actually _call her_.”

“I kind of hate that you seem to be getting smarter than me…”

Pete chuckled under his breath, “Not smarter than you Mykes, I just happen to know you really, really well, which means I tend to know what to say. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.” Pete’s features fell into a kind of hesitancy, his mouth opening to start a sentence, once, twice, three times before he shrugged his shoulders and looked sheepishly at Myka, “Can I tell you something?”

Myka gave him a crooked smile, “I think we’re pretty much in all out honesty mode, Pete. Might as well keep it goin’.”

Pete rolled his eyes, “Just listen to me alright? Your fears about the band and the eventual prospect of this getting bigger or something, those aren’t just your fears. Believe it or not, after we talked to Kelly that first night, Amanda and I went home and we talked about everything you just laid out. We watched what happened with you and Sam, Mykes. Everyone has that fear that this life will tear things apart. Trust me, Amanda is terrified that all that chaos will be too much and maybe knock me off the wagon, and I have that worry too. But what we realized was that, even though things will get crazy, this _is_ different, because we all will have each other. We will have each other’s backs and be able to watch out for each other. None of us are going to be in this alone, Mykes, and that includes you and H.G., and I guarantee, now that she knows about everything that happened with you and Sam, your fears are her fears too. You don’t think that she’s just as worried as you are about what this life will do to you two? How it will make you feel to be back in that world? You just have to give each other a chance to talk about it, before you just run away. That’s not going to make things better.”

Myka just nodded, a few more stray tears falling into her lap. Pete gripped her hand, “Mykes, look at me.” Hesitantly, she met Pete’s eyes that were shining with an odd mixture of mirth and seriousness, “Mykes, I love you, like crazy love you, and I want so much for you…I…I can’t even explain to you how much I want to see you happy Myka. And I know…I know…you’re _happy_ , but I mean happy like I’ve seen you be the last couple of months with H.G. I told her a long time ago that I knew the second she walked into the store that first night that you and her had something, don’t ask me how, I just knew. I think you knew that too Myka. You have to stop running away from what makes you happy. I know it’s scary. Trust me, some days I wake up still convinced that all my shit is going to be out on the lawn, because Amanda’s going to realize she can’t stand me, but then I roll over and she’s there, and I realize that what we have, though crazy, is amazing. I know that Sam hurt you Mykes, and I know you have had to deal with so much, but that doesn’t mean that H.G. is going to hurt you. You never know, she might be the thing that finally, _finally_ , makes that hurt fade away.”

They sat in silence for several long moments, staring into the fire, Pete wondering if anything he said could have possibly helped, Myka feeling slow tears continue to roll down her cheeks. Her voice when it came was barely audible, “I do love her, Pete. I love her so much it almost hurts, as disgustingly cliché as that sounds.”

Pete squeezed her knee lightly, “I know you do Mykes, and whether you believe it or not, Helena loves you too, in all of those crazy, disgusting, clichéd ways too. Now though, now you just have to work on _letting_ her love you that much, and letting yourself love her that much too.”

Myka smiled tightly, “My life, a continual work in progress…”

“That’s what all of our lives are Myka, but it’s a whole hell of a lot easier when we have someone to work through it with.”

“I know…I need to go home.”

Pete nodded, “I know.” He looked outside, where the sun had already sunk below the trees, the slowly rising moon coating the lake in an odd, unearthly glow, “But, it’s late and it’s dark, and I think you will face all of this much better when you have had a good, solid night’s sleep. So let’s take the night, ok? I have a ton of other movies. We can make some popcorn, and relax a bit. Take tonight, and we’ll go home tomorrow.”

Myka curled into Pete’s shoulder, pressing a light kiss to his cheek, “I think that sounds like a good plan.” He wrapped an arm around her curled shoulders, placing a kiss into her curls. She took a deep, cleansing breath, realizing her cheeks were finally dry from tears, “I love you too, by the way. Thank you…”

Pete squeezed her tightly, “You _always_ have me Mykes. No matter what.”

**

Somewhere in the middle of their second movie of the night, Pete noticed that Myka’s breathing had evened out. He finished the movie, then slowly extracted himself from the couch, dousing the fire carefully, making sure it was safe for them to go to bed. He wiped his hands on his jeans, and went over to the couch, curling Myka up into his arms, where she barely budged under his effortless lifting of her body. He settled her into the downstairs bedroom, she didn’t stay in her, in she and Sam’s, old room anymore, but rather chose to remain as far from it as possible. He tucked the sheets under her chin and placed a light kiss to her forehead, “G’night Mykes.”

He took careful, quiet steps up the stairs and got himself ready for bed, but before setting back against his pillows, he propped open his computer, figuring he should give Amanda a small update. Before he could start typing though, he realized he had a message sitting in his inbox from Helena. Oddly nervous, he clicked it open.

_Pete,_  
Thank you…for so many things I suppose, but mostly for letting me know that Myka is ok. Part of me really wants to ask you a lot of questions, so maybe that way I can get the explanations I’m desperately seeking. However, I realize I don’t want those explanations from you Pete. I need them from Myka. I need her to explain this to me, whatever is going on, I need to hear it from her. So thank you again, for the offer to talk and for taking care of her, hopefully she’ll at some point give me the chance to do the same.  
~H.G. 

_P.S.—YOU better be home tomorrow, seeing as we have to be at the studio at 2:00!_

Pete sighed and closed his computer. H.G. was right. He couldn’t be the middle man here, not once Myka was home. He had done his part, and once he got her home, the rest of this was in her hands.

**

Tuesday morning dawned frigid and bright. Pete stumbled down the stairs to the scent of coffee and the sound of things scraping against the floor. He looked at his watch, 8:30, he had plenty of time to get home and get his things around before meeting the band. When he emerged into the living room, he found Myka throwing her bag next to the door and offering him a travel mug steaming with fresh coffee. Her arms were folded across her chest, as she looked around the cabin making sure everything was in order. She shrugged her shoulders, “You ready to hit the road, Lattimer?”

Pete knew he looked surprised, “Umm…yeah, sure, let me grab my bag.”

Myka chuckled, “What? Did you expect me to cook you breakfast? I _did_ not bring enough food for _that_.”

Pete laughed sheepishly, “No, no, I guess, I just wasn’t sure if you would be ready to go home is all. At least not this early, necessarily.”

Myka sighed, “I have to Pete. If I don’t, I’m worried I’m just going to keep running, and I _do not_ want to live the rest of my life in this cabin.”

He clapped his hands together, and turned back towards the stairs, “Alrighty then, let’s hit the road.”

**

Myka checked her phone more times than she knew was even remotely safe as they drove further and further away from the cabin. She kept waiting for the faintest hint of a signal. Finally as Route 7 gave way to 66, her phone shone out one tiny bar, and she couldn’t make her fingers move fast enough to dial properly. She scrolled across her screen, pressing insistently at Helena’s number.

**

Helena laid back on the couch, pulling her blanket up tighter under her chin, the steam from her tea searing her nostrils as she took in a deep breath. Her back hurt from her positioning and from the now two restless nights she had spent on her suddenly too small couch. She couldn’t bring herself to sleep in her bed, and she judged herself mightily for it, inwardly scolding herself that she was reacting like a heartbroken teenager, yet knowing that there was truly no better word for how she felt other than heartbroken. She felt her mind tugging her back into unconsciousness, but before she could fully sink into it, her phone vibrated to life with a noise jarring and too loud in the stillness of her apartment. She set her tea down and reached for it, expecting it to be Claudia with early morning thoughts about their recording session later in the afternoon, but it wasn’t Claudia. Myka’s face shone back at her from the screen, and suddenly her fingers were trembling so uncontrollably she was glad she had set her tea down, otherwise it would be spilling all over her. She moved her thumb to answer, it hovering over the accept button hesitantly. She _wanted_ to answer, knew she needed to, because if Myka was back in cell phone range, than clearly she was on her way home, and that was hopefully a good sign, yet as she stared at that picture, the tiny bubble of anger that had been steadily growing within her chest since Sunday morning burst and her thumb quickly moved over to the dismiss key. She shook her head, she couldn’t, she didn’t want to do this over the phone, and suddenly she found that she really, _really_ did not want to talk to Myka right now. Once again she kicked herself for her childishness, but found that it only left her feeling more indignant, drowning in self-righteousness. She had every right to be mad, to be upset, to not want to talk, not after Myka had pushed her away so distinctly when she had tried to reach out on Sunday. This wasn’t going to be fixed by one phone call, and she didn’t want to hear what Myka had to say, not right now, not just yet, not now that that possibility was presented to her, even though she had thought for the last 48 hours that that was all she had wanted. She found in the face of potential explanations, she just wanted to cover her ears and ignore them, because what if the explanation was simply that Myka really was done with this? She knew, deep down, that she wasn’t even remotely ready to hear _that_ explanation.

**

Myka sighed as the dial tone clicked over to voicemail sooner than it should have. Rejected. She willed her voice to hold out against the onslaught of hearing Helena’s voice coming through the phone. She took a deep breath, here goes nothing she supposed.

_“Hey…it’s me. I guess I really should have expected that you wouldn’t answer, and I can’t say that I blame you for not answering. If I were you, the last person I would want to talk to is me right now. Hell, I’m not sure I want to listen to myself right now. Anyway, Helena, I’m not going to apologize over the phone, because you deserve so much more than that. I’m on my way home. I don’t know what your schedule is today, but if you get a chance call me. We really, really need to talk, but I get it if you need space. I’m…I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”_

She let out a shaky breath as she tossed her phone into the cup holder. She meant what she said, she didn’t blame Helena for ignoring her. After all, hadn’t she been ignoring Helena for the last two days? She deserved the silent treatment, she deserved all of Helena’s anger, she just hoped that when it abated, Helena would still be willing to talk to her, that they would be able to figure this out.

**

Myka got home with enough time to shower and eat a halfway decent breakfast, before heading downstairs to open the store. She hung her head as she looked at the pile of paperwork covering her desk, the result of taking a Monday off. The rest of the week would be one massive backlog of orders and deliveries. Mondays were vital to how they operated, and she had messed that system up. If she had called Claudia, it could have been avoided, but she hadn’t been thinking, and now she was faced with the results of that decision. She rolled her shoulders in a slow stretch, placing a Beatles record on the player and letting the noise of it scratching and catching bring her back to some semblance of herself. She was home. She had work to do. She had a _process_. She had customers. Hugo would be in later. She had things she could do to keep her from just staring at her phone, praying it would ring. She lugged a stack of orders into her arms and slammed them onto the counter, time to get back to her life. Whatever that life looked like at the moment.

Thankfully, things were busy. The oddity of having the store closed on Monday, brought in a deluge of customers who had stopped by and been turned away by the locked door. Myka was silently appreciative of their constant presence, their inquisitiveness as to whether everything was ok, their gratefulness that they were seemingly back to their normal schedule. 

Myka’s appreciation swelled as the bell over the door rang at 3:30, bringing in a snow covered Hugo, “Myka, my dear, how’s life?”

She chuckled silently, normal was good, “Life is a bit complicated at the moment, if I’m being honest. How are you?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Can’t complain. Wish it would stop snowing.”

“It’s January in Colorado, Hugo, I think you’re kind of screwed on that front.”

“I have no idea why I left California to move back here…”

Myka rolled her eyes, they had this conversation every winter, “Because you grew up here, because your family is here, because you _like_ it here.”

He waved a dismissive hand at her, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same story, different year. Enough about my old man complaints, why is life complicated?”

Myka sighed, “It’s a long story, one that I don’t really want to get into at the moment. Suffice it to say, I have been a colossal idiot and it hopefully isn’t too late for me to fix it.”

“Oh my dear girl, if I had a dollar for every time a variation of that sentence came out of my mouth, I wouldn’t have needed to make music for a living.”

“Well then, at least there’s hope I suppose.”

He shot her a quick wink, “There’s always hope darlin’. I’m going to wander around. Stick with The Beatles, it makes me think of warmer weather.”

Myka just shook her head and turned up the volume slightly. She watched as Hugo retreated into the back of the store, then let her eyes wander down to her phone, which was blinking a notification at her. Her heart sped up, maybe Helena had called, maybe she had at least sent a message. She opened her screen and let out a disappointed sigh, it was a message from Claudia.

_“M—heard you were home. Meant to tell you…no rehearsal for us tonight. We’re actually at a recording studio right now (!!!) working on our demo (!!!!!!) so we’re takin’ the night off. Hope you’re ok. Love you Cap.”_

Myka sighed, maybe life wasn’t _quite_ back to normal. Except, she realized, this was probably their new normal, recording studios, demos, no more rehearsals. She steeled her courage against the wave of nerves that threatened to overwhelm her, forcing herself to play back through everything Pete had said to her last night. It was ok. It would be ok. They would make this work. As soon as Helena started talking to her again. She typed out a quick reply to Claudia.

_“That is incredible Claud! Pete didn’t mention that yesterday…anyway have an AMAZING time. Enjoy it. Call me later and tell me how it went.”_

She hesitated, wondering if she should ask about Helena, but decided against it. She didn’t need to drag Claudia into this anymore than she already was, and she didn’t want their relationship drama getting in the way of the band recording a great demo. She would wait, as patiently as possible. 

**

Across town, Claudia tucked her phone back into her pocket, stealing a quick glance towards where H.G. was sitting silently, almost sullenly, on a couch in the studio, while the rest of them recorded some of backtracking. Their producers were squabbling over their next move. Thus far, the day had gone really, really well. Kelly was fitting in with them perfectly, and she seemed to already have a solid idea for how they needed to develop. She had made a few really great suggestions that were already paying off, and Claudia felt a surge run through her that they could be right on the brink of _the break_. If they could just keep up this energy they had, the sound they were putting together, they might be able to do this. However, if H.G. kept looking like _that_ , they might be in trouble. Her voice hadn’t wavered all afternoon, and when she had sang, she still brought the vigor and fire that they were used to. The producers and Kelly didn’t question a thing, but the three of them could tell, she was distracted, there was just something slightly _off_. She missed Myka. 

A beep and an echoing voice shook Claudia from her reverie. One of their producers was trying to get their attention, “Hey Pete? We’re going to have you step out for a few and just get a couple of things down with Claudia and Steve, ok?”

Pete gave them a thumbs up through the glass partition, “Sounds good.”

Pete came through the door that separated the recording studio from the production booth, grabbed a water from the refrigerator in the corner, and slumped down next to Helena. He patted her knee, “How are you holdin’ up?”

She gave him a tight smile, “I’m fine, Pete. Still a bit in shock that we’re here, I think.”

He chuckled and nodded, “Join the club.” He lowered his voice and leaned into her slightly, “Seriously though, you don’t have to put up this front that you’ve got goin’ on. I’m asking you H.G., _how are you_?”

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, dragging it back from her face. When she spoke it wasn’t towards Pete, “Hey Fargo, will you guys be alright without Pete and I for a moment?”

Their lead producer, a rather nerdy looking kid who barely looked old enough to drink let alone produce music, but who had already proven that he had a wicked ear for rock music, smiled at them from behind his glasses, “Sure, no problem. We probably need at least a solid half hour with these two, so you guys can take a break.”

Helena gave him a appreciative smile, then turned back towards Pete, “Walk?”

Pete nodded and followed her out of the room. They bundled into their coats and headed out into the quickly accumulating snow. Helena didn’t wait for Pete to say anything, just got straight to what was tugging at her, “She called me.”

Pete’s eyes widened, “And?”

Helena sighed, a shameful look ghosting across her face, “I ignored it. She left me a voicemail. She said whenever I was ready we could talk.”

“But you’re not ready?”

“I don’t know why, but no. I just, I got so _angry_ , when I saw her number pop up. I mean I _want_ to talk to her, I know we need to, but when the opportunity was right in front of me, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, because what if it was precisely what I didn’t want to hear?”

Pete gripped a soft hand around Helena’s elbow, stilling her pacing, “I don’t think that will be the case. I know you told me you didn’t want to hear any of this from me, but just let me say this one thing. She’s a mess, H.G. She doesn’t want this to be over, despite…” he waved a hand in the air, in hopes that the gesture would encapsulate everything that had happened over the last few days. 

“I am just so upset Pete, and so hurt, I don’t know what to say to her.”

“You say that. You tell her. You can be honest with her H.G. I think that’s what you both need. And you have every right to be pissed at her, trust me I think she’s anticipating that.”

“I feel like everything is falling apart…”

Pete couldn’t stop the chuckle that fled his lungs, “Trust me, so does she.” He passed a hand over his face, “Do you remember that day you came to see me at the gym?”

Helena gave him a faint smile, “Of course I do.”

“Do you remember what I asked you to do?”

Helena met Pete’s eyes with a determined look, “You asked me to fight for her.”

“And you told me you would.”

Helena sighed, her eyes dropping from the intensity of his gaze, “I know, and I did Pete. I waited and I fought through all of the things she had to tell me about Sam, and I watched her agonize over telling me that, and I gave her that space. I did fight.”

Pete took a deep breath, an unwavering look of seriousness in his eyes, “That wasn’t the fight Helena. This, _this_ , is the fight. Myka running. If you love her, this, right here, right now, is when you have to fight for her.”

“I don’t know how much fight I have left in me Peter.”

Pete reached up and gripped her shoulders, “Do you love her?”

“You know I do.”

“Then you’ll _never_ stop fighting Helena, and though it might not feel like it right now, _she_ will never stop fighting for you either.”

**

Myka stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair looked like it had somehow tripled in size and had zero interest in any attempts to tame it. Her eyes seemed puffy, yet part of her wondered if that was just her own impression. She looked tired, wrung out, there were bags under her eyes that no amount of cover up was going to take care of. She tried to wrangle her curls into a ponytail, fitted her glasses tighter onto her face in hopes that they would help add a layer in front of the too noticeable purple under her eyes, and slid on a light layer of lip gloss. She surveyed the results of her attempts at corralling her appearance, and all she could muster was a shrug of her shoulders. She knew she looked like hell and that she was not necessarily fit for the public eye, and she debated just holing up in the apartment and saving the public the trouble of seeing her, yet she knew she couldn’t. It was Wednesday. She had somewhere to be, hellacious appearance notwithstanding. 

Part of her wondered, as she made the slow drive on snow covered streets to the Regents, if Helena would even be there. Maybe she was so upset, so frustrated, so angry, so whatever she was that was keeping her from returning Myka’s calls that she would have just called in sick, anything to avoid the situation that was barreling towards them like a bullet. She had given up any attempts at contact after one last feeble effort to get in touch that morning. Helena clearly still wanted no part of whatever she thought Myka needed to say to her, so eventually Myka had given up. She couldn’t force Helena to talk to her, that wouldn’t help anything, so she had set her phone down and decided to put up a pathetic attempt at patient waiting. She knew that part of why she was able to get through the day was knowing what the evening would bring. It was inevitable, this Wednesday night. They both knew that the other would be there, so unless one of them was willing to take the extra, very noticeable step of absenting themselves from where they _always were_ on Wednesday nights, then they were destined to see each other that night. All of their dancing around each other, all of their avoidance, it had an expiration date, and as Myka looked at the clock in her car, she realized that date expired in about five minutes. 

She gave herself two minutes of sitting in the car, trying to get herself together, trying to school herself into a modicum of normality, trying to gear herself up for whatever she was about to face, but ultimately she just sighed and got out of the car. Nothing she could do was going to prepare her adequately for tonight, so she might as well just jump right in, get it over with as soon as possible. As her fingers gripped around the doorknob of the café she wondered if it was physically possible for one’s heart to beat out of their chest, because her pulse was echoing in her ears and there was a tightness in her stomach that was an odd mixture of trepidation and hope. She wanted to see Helena, she wanted whatever their next step was to start, because all of this waiting and wondering, she felt like it would kill her. She hoped that they could just _get it over with already_ , whatever it was, pain, reconciliation, casual indifference, whatever it was, she just wanted it to start so she could stop worrying. She tried to tell herself that they would make it work, that it would be ok in the end, and she tried to let that glimmer of hope buoy her into some sense of confidence, but as she opened the door, all she felt was abject fear that her life was about to go up in flames.

**

Helena picked up her phone for what felt like the fifteenth time that afternoon, desperately trying to ignore _another_ missed call from Myka. She stared at her contact list; it would be so easy, to just call Vanessa, fake a coughing fit and get out of this whole mess. She came close to actually dialing a couple of times, but just as her thumb was ready to press dial, something would uncoil in her brain and halt her movements, telling her that the easy way was not the right way, not tonight, not if she had truly listened to what Pete had said yesterday. She took a deep breath, if she was going to go and actually show up on time, she needed to get ready. 

She tugged her hair up into tight coil and put on an extra layer of eyeliner. She almost hated herself for wanting to look _good_ , for wanting to show up looking for all intents and purposes like someone who wanted Myka to stare at her. She slipped on a tight pair of jeans and the boots she knew Myka liked, rounding it out with a soft blue button up that she didn’t really bother all that much to actually button up. She shook her head as she looked at herself in the mirror, she knew she looked good, _devastatingly_ good, yet it couldn’t stop her from feeling like hell, from feeling like anyone who looked at her could see the misery etched in every fiber of her being. She vaguely wondered if her pain would eventually just start emanating off of her, creating a power source all its own, enough to power the entire café with her hurt and her anger. She knew all of this was a front, a cover so that maybe she could come off as indifferent, yet she knew the second she saw Myka that façade would crumble. She knew Myka would see through it, would see it for the fake _swagger_ that it was, and see in an instant that she was falling apart. Helena half hoped that that would be enough, that Myka seeing how broken she was would be enough to just _fix this_. That Myka would see her and there would be a moment so clichéd and stereotypical that they would both laugh about it later, but in the moment not care. She hoped that Myka would just see her and try her best not to run to her, and then they would just hold each other and Myka would explain how this was all a mistake, and this insane, horrifying ride they’d been on the last three days would just come to a screeching halt and they could both get off and resume their normal lives as if nothing had happened. Yet, she knew that was a foolish and fruitless hope. Whatever happened tonight, it wouldn’t be simple and it wouldn’t be easy and she couldn’t even guarantee herself that she wouldn’t just start screaming at her the second she saw Myka. Helena wanted to just erase her anger, to throw it away or lock it up and forget it existed, but she knew she couldn’t. At times it ebbed, but then she would remember and it would flair back to life, an animal with a life of its own, clawing at her to remind her that she had a right to be angry and that Myka needed to know, to understand that anger. 

She purposefully got to work early, in the hopes that if she could just make herself busy enough, sink into her shift and distract herself with as many customers as possible, it would make the night slide by. She silently pleaded with any and all gods that might be listening that it would be a busy night, one so slammed with people that she wouldn’t have the time or the ability to pay attention to anything but work. Yet again though, her heart panged in her chest a reminder that that would be impossible. She knew that the moment Myka walked in, all of her careful planning, her high hopes for distraction would fade into a moment stretched out of time, and whatever was about to start happening next would start to spiral quickly and wildly, most likely, out of control.

**

Myka felt like she was suddenly moving in slow motion. The scene around her playing out in fits and starts, giving her no chance to get her bearings. As if by sheer magnetic force, the second she was in the door, Helena’s eyes were on her and her eyes were on Helena, and it seemed like neither of them were breathing. Myka didn’t know whether to smile, to go to her, to cry, to start screaming apologies right then and there. The moment extended until Myka felt it might never end, but before she could even actually figure out how to respond, Helena’s dark, sadness-laden eyes were leaving hers and returning to her customers. Myka sighed, impending doom it shall be. 

She made her way quietly to her table, trying to be inconspicuous, trying to just slink into the shadows, where she could listen to whatever round of music was awaiting and drink her sorrows completely away. But God, she couldn’t stop staring at Helena. She couldn’t tell if it was purposeful, or just a really goddamn cruel twist of karma, but Helena, tonight, was a vision of everything that Myka loved, _longed_ for. She almost looked _too_ good, and as Myka caught her in a quiet moment behind the bar, when she thought no one was looking, she saw it. She saw the sag of her shoulders, the effort it took to suck in a deep breath, the slight shake of her head as if to clear it. Myka saw all the bravado, all the swagger melt away, and she was finally forced to come face to face with what she had done, with the absolute wreck that she had turned Helena into. 

**

Helena tried to pay attention to what her customers were saying. She tried to write down her orders, she tried to be friendly, to appear focused, but her eyes kept betraying her, stealing over to the corner where Myka was so desperately trying to hide in darkness. When she had walked in, Helena felt like some sort of extraterrestrial force had overtaken her body, not allowing her to look anywhere but at Myka. Their eyes had met for only the briefest of seconds, but in those moments Helena saw what Pete had meant. Myka was a mess, but she was a beautiful, painstakingly gorgeous mess, and Helena just wanted to run at her, and kiss her into oblivion, because Lord it should be illegal to look that miserable and that good at the same time. Helena wanted to find an odd sense of pleasure in Myka’s visible anguish, because after all, hadn’t she been the one that brought them to this point? Yet, she found she couldn’t. She couldn’t because at the end of the day, this woman standing in this bar looking so lost and so incredible was the woman she loved.

**

Myka just wanted the music to start, because then people would stop _talking_ to her. Usually she didn’t mind it, the constant stream of people who flocked towards her table on Wednesdays, but tonight it felt like a chore, like it was taking every ounce of her energy to focus on what they were saying and to respond accordingly. She kept stealing glances at her watch, willing the minutes to tick by faster, but they were unresponsive to her pleas. 

It happened when she was in the midst of being cornered by a girl she had gone to high school with that she really had zero interest in talking to, but who was keeping up a steady stream of conversation regardless of Myka’s glaringly obvious disinterest. Helena seemed to have sensed that it was the opportune moment, one that Myka couldn’t get out of, and therefore perfect for Helena to glide in and glide out of in an attempt at moving without notice or comment. Helena came up behind her, an attempt Myka was sure at being subtle, despite the fact that every single one of Myka’s nerves was attuned to Helena’s presence in that moment. She tried to slide Myka’s drinks carefully, quietly onto the table and steal away, but Myka couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ let that happen. 

Without looking back at her, except for a brief passing glance, Myka turned halfway and wrapped a light, careful hand around Helena’s wrist, stilling her movements. Myka turned back to the girl and offered what she hoped was an apologetic smile, “Lauren, I’m sorry, I would love to catch up more, but I actually need to talk to her” she cocked her head towards Helena, who not so subtly rolled her eyes, “can you give me a minute?”

The girl seemed unfazed by Myka’s brush off, waving a hand as she stood to go, “Absolutely, I just wanted to say hi. Nice to see you Myka.”

Myka barely registered what she said, turning towards Helena the second Lauren had stood up to leave. She squeezed slightly around Helena’s wrist, “Helena…” Her words stopped there, she realized she had absolutely no idea what to say.

Helena pursed her lips tightly, willing her skin to not flush and flare at Myka’s touch. She pulled away from Myka’s grasp, too slowly to be convincing that it was what she really wanted. She shook her head, “Myka, we can’t do this here.” She knew her voice sounded weak, the shattered remnants of her resolve coming through with each syllable.

Myka relinquished her grip, an apologetic look crossing her face, “I know…I just…”

She started to say something more, but Helena cut across her, her voice suddenly hard, biting, even beneath the cracks evident in it, “Myka, I’m at work. Don’t do this. Not now.”

Myka felt like someone had pressed their foot down on her diaphragm, all the air in her lungs fleeing in one gasp, as she watched Helena turn quickly away from her without a single glance back. 

It took all of Helena’s strength to not look back, to not give in to that pleading touch, and the second she was back behind the bar, that strength had fled, and her eyes were returning to Myka’s, whose hadn’t stopped looking at her. Helena didn’t know how to do this. She didn’t know how to be in the same room with her when things were like _this_ , when they had so much to say, but clearly didn’t know how, and really didn’t have the time to say it in the first place. She sighed and gave Myka a ghost of a smile, one that she hoped conveyed how torn she felt, how badly she just wanted this, whatever _this_ was that they were stuck in at the moment to be over. She felt a brief flash of hope as Myka returned that smile, and continued to return it whenever their eyes met the rest of the night, which was far more often than either of them would probably admit. 

**

At the back of the café, stuck behind the sound board which was displaying a massive propensity for acting up this evening, Vanessa watched, a twisting curiosity and worry settling into her shoulders and her stomach, as she watched Helena and Myka tiptoe around each other in glances and almost spoken words and near touches that were just barely pulled away from, as though they might burn each other. Vanessa felt it before she even could give voice to what it was, but looking at Myka, seeing the haunted look in her eyes, one that she hadn’t seen since things with Helena had progressed, Vanessa knew that something had broken between the two of them. She just hoped that as she watched them steal another glance each other’s way that whatever it was it wasn’t irrevocable.

**

It wasn’t that the music was bad, in fact some of the people who had crossed the stage were quite good, but none of them could pull Myka away from the precipice of wanting to just pull Helena away from her shift and start _talking_ , or maybe, possibly start _not talking_ , in an entirely different way from how they were not talking right now. It was too much to be this close to her, but with a giant wall of work and responsibility and the public eye standing between them. It was making her antsy and fidgety and she knew she wasn’t paying any of the people on stage proper attention, which she vaguely felt bad about, because wasn’t the whole point of being here to help these kids make something of themselves? She sighed and took a long pull from her beer, she needed to refocus. 

She almost burst out laughing with relief when a familiar face emerged on the stage. He was like an answered prayer that she didn’t even know she had whispered. This was something she could pay attention to, because, well, he was deserving of her attention, and he was good enough to provide necessary distraction. Myka’s mind was suddenly, quickly, being pulled back to the night when they all first saw him, that night she first drove Helena home. Had it really only been three months since that night? God, so much had changed…

Liam gave the crowd his usual, flashing, seductive smile. Myka just chuckled, this world had no idea what it was going to get with Liam. Once his album came out, they were all in a lot of wonderful trouble. The tension in Myka’s shoulders eased slightly as she watched him settle onto his usual stool in the center of the stage. Out of nowhere, she felt a surge of gratitude that Steve and Liam had found each other, because looking at Liam now, she felt an odd sense of comfort that _her friend_ was here. He wasn’t just some kid on stage anymore. He was someone she knew, someone she cared about, and there was a weird sense of familiarity and warmth in that. 

Liam gave a self-deprecating laugh into the microphone as the whistles and the applause at his appearance lingered longer than usual, “Wow, well, I’m glad to see all of you guys too.” Another ripple of laughter wove its way through the crowd. Myka shook her head, Liam was going to go so far in this world if he could keep up _this_ kind of comfortable ease in front of a crowd. For a stray moment she thought, “he reminds me of Sam.” She chased the thought away quickly and tried to refocus on what Liam was saying. 

He cleared his throat, “I’m not usually much of a talker up here, because I don’t want to take up too much time, but I did want to say a quick word about the song that I’m about to play. As many of you know by now, most likely because of all the _flyers_ that Vanessa has up around this place,” another winning smile, another wave of laughter, “I have an album coming out next week,” a wild surge of applause and shouts from the crowd. Liam smiled, “I just wanted to say that there are two people here who made that possible right from the beginning. Without them, I wouldn’t be here and I just wanted to say thank you, to Vanessa and to Myka Bering. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that both of you took a chance on me that first night.” There was another loud round of applause, eyes turning towards Vanessa and Myka, both of whom smiled and acknowledged the recognition, despite the fact that Myka wanted to just sink further into her chair. 

Liam bit his lip and eyed Myka carefully before continuing, “She’s probably going to kill me for saying this next bit, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t. A few weeks ago, I was really, really stuck in the recording studio. Nothing was working and I was worried that this album wasn’t going to happen, and then one day, someone told me that Myka had given the ok for me to look at some of her old songs and see if any of them fit. That moment changed my entire album, because I found this song that I’m about to play, and it just made everything click. I fell in love with it instantly, and I just hope that I can do it the justice it deserves. So Myka, I cannot say thank you enough for this song, for trusting me with it. And, I swear I will stop talking and sing soon. I just need to invite someone else up on stage with me to help me sing it first, because it is a bit of a duet and it just wouldn’t sound right without her, so please all of you give a warm welcome to Claudia Donovan.”

Myka’s entire body felt like it was warring against herself. This was not what she had been expecting tonight, and she certainly wasn’t expecting Claudia to be here, or for any of this to be happening. She chanced a glance towards Helena who was staring at her with open curiosity, an eyebrow arched her way. Myka just shrugged her shoulders and gave a small smile. Her mind filtered back to a phone call she had gotten a few days after the new year, trying to piece it all together and make it fit.

**

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs, early January 2011_

Myka almost missed her the fact that her phone was ringing, because Helena was standing behind her, leaning in perilously close, breath ghosting over her ear, all the while claiming she was simply minding her own business and seeking to keep Myka company, while she worked on a Sunday morning to get caught up from a few days off for the holidays. Helena’s hands were around her waist and her lips were right behind her ear, and Myka was close to just slamming her computer shut and ignoring that she had _so much_ work to do. Helena could feel Myka’s resolve slipping, her body leaning further back into Helena’s touch. She pressed a light kiss to Myka’s ear, “Darling, your phone is ringing.”

Myka sighed, “Right now, I kind of don’t care…”  
“That might be so, but I would be a horrible girlfriend if I let you slack off from work, when you’re _so very behind_ …” Helena pressed another, not so light kiss to the slight expanse of shoulder that peeked out from Myka’s shirt collar, then quickly pulled away, leaving Myka’s body burning from its too quick absence, “Answer your phone darling.”

Myka threw her head back and groaned, “I really don’t like you right now.”

Helena just quirked a tempting eyebrow at her, “All evidence to the contrary I would say.”

Myka just rolled her eyes, took a quick glance at who was calling, and picked up the call, “Hey Rebecca.” It didn’t surprise Myka that she was calling. No one else knew, but they had been talking more and more in the last few weeks about the possibility of Myka coming back to work for the studio, on a very, _very_ trial basis, just some casual writing, more official input about new artists than what she was currently doing at the Regents. Myka figured she was just trying to keep the ball rolling before something happened to change Myka’s mind.

“Hey…I’m hoping you can help me with a bit of a problem I’m having.”

Myka tried to focus on the conversation, but kept feeling herself being pulled to where Helena was idly roaming through the store, shooting her seemingly innocent looks that were making Myka think anything but innocent thoughts. She shook her head, good God, that woman was distracting. She cleared her throat, swiveling her chair so that she was no longer able to look at Helena, “I can certainly try, what’s up?”

Rebecca let out a slightly pathetic sigh, “Liam is in a bit of a rut over here.”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “What kind of rut? The last he had told me things sounded like they were going pretty well.”

“They were, they still _are_ , sort of. Do not get me wrong, we love him, and I really think this album is going to be something, but he’s stuck. He needs just one, maybe two more songs to round things out, and he’s just got absolutely _nothing_.”

Myka bit distractedly down on one of her fingernails, “Have you tried to pair him up with one of the writers?”

“We had thought about that, but everyone is booked right now. I have no idea how we have gotten our schedule so crammed, but I was wondering if there might be another option…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Trying to put me back to work already, huh?”

Rebecca chuckled, “Not exactly, though that is a _marvelous_ idea to keep in my back pocket. No, what I was wondering is if you would mind if we let him take a look at your catalog? We think that some of your stuff might work really well for him, but only if you’re ok with it.”

Myka laughed and shook her head, “Rebecca you don’t have to sound so worried. I’m absolutely ok with it, and I think it’s a really good idea. Liam’s tone and sound would match up really well with some of the stuff that you guys have of mine. Let him take a look.”

“You really don’t mind?” 

Myka rolled her eyes, it had been a long time since she’d heard Rebecca’s _mothering_ tone, “I really, really don’t mind. Liam’s a friend, if it was someone else, sure I might consider whether or not it was a good idea, but I trust him and I like him and I believe in what he’s doing, so if some of my old stuff might help get him over this final hill, I’m happy to help.”

Rebecca let out a grateful sigh, “Thank you, Myka. I really, really appreciate that. I’ll let you know if he comes up with anything, and we’ll work out all of the details of what that would entail if it happens.”

“Take your time, you know I’m not concerned about any of that, so if it happens, fantastic, just let me know, but Rebecca do not stress out about it.”

Rebecca chuckled, “You know me, I stress out about _everything_.”

“Ok, well, then tell Jack to keep me updated so _you_ don’t have to stress about it.”

“I’ll see what I can do about that. Thank you again, Myka.”

“No problem. Good luck with Liam.”

**

Myka watched as Claudia emerged from backstage with her guitar slung over her shoulders, smiling shyly at the audience. Suddenly a lot of things were starting to make sense. She had missed a call from Jack on Saturday while she was at the party, and she had told herself she would call him back on her way home, but then everything had gotten out of control. It explained the text she had eventually gotten from Claudia on Tuesday when her phone had clicked back into service, though it was dated on Sunday, saying that she had some interesting, kind of amazing news to share with her. It all made sense, but she had been so wrapped up in this mess with Helena that she hadn’t given herself a chance to think about how any of those things might have been related. Jack must have been calling because Liam had finished his album, and that album must have included one of her songs, and clearly he had brought in Claudia to help out on it, because the reality was none of the songs in Myka’s catalog at St. Secord’s were written for solo artists. 

Myka had never wished more that she had a taken a call in her life, because she _needed_ to know what was coming. There was so much in those notebooks at St. Secord’s. There were so many things that could be misconstrued, so many things that she had hoped would never see the light of day. She just hoped that Liam had found something tame, something from she and Sam’s early days, something that would just pass through her without any impact. She gave another quick glance to Helena, whose eyes flitted from her to the stage, a battle for which of them she wanted to watch more. Myka closed her eyes tight as Claudia gave one last tweak to her guitar. There was a beat and then it started.

Liam went through a slow, precise, melodic progression of notes that Claudia echoed with a kind of haunting rhythm, dragging her notes out more, letting them pulse and linger. Myka’s ear tried to catch each shift she made, but it was almost too discordant to concentrate on. Claudia bent each chord, while Liam kept his string of notes consistent. It was beautiful, but Myka knew, she could hear it in the tone, that this wasn’t going to be something simple, if anything a tone like this meant that Liam had found one of her more broken songs, and he was about to unleash it upon the entire café. She held onto a shaky breath as she watched Claudia lean into the mic, wishing she could just stop time and keep this from happening, but then Claudia’s voice rang out rich and deep and raspy, echoing in a mesmerizing tone words Myka had tried to forget about.

_“I never meant to get us in this deep…I never meant for this to mean a thing…”_

Myka’s breath fled her lungs in a rush that seared, “Oh Jesus Christ…no…” She knew no one could hear her, but she wished in this moment that she could scream across the bar to distract everyone in it, because this song, this was something she had hoped no one would ever hear. 

Liam’s voice came in behind Claudia’s, almost so faint that it was barely noticeable, and yet it was so poignant, that it was all you could hear sometimes. Their voices mixed and blended in such a way that you couldn’t quite tell who was taking the lead.

_“I got caught up by the chase…and you got high on every little game…”_

Myka almost didn’t want to look at Helena, didn’t want to see her reactions to these words, because she just _wouldn’t understand_ , and Myka wouldn’t be able to explain fast enough. Myka wouldn’t be able to make her look into her eyes and explain that she wrote this at the lowest point of her and Sam’s relationship, when everything was falling apart and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle recording an album when things were like this. She had poured all of her fear and angst and pain into this song, and Rebecca had tried _desperately_ to convince her to record it, but Myka wouldn’t let her. She refused to let Sam see it, because if he knew how much she wanted out, how much she feared that this was breaking apart, if he knew how bad she was hurting, it would have killed them right then and there. So she had funneled her feelings onto a piece of paper and tucked it away in her catalog and hoped that by exorcising the emotions from her brain they would be gone for good. But Helena didn’t know that…all Helena knew was that Claudia and Liam were tearing desperately into a chorus that she really shouldn’t be hearing without context. Their voices breaking and piercing the words with just the right emotion.

_“Oh if I could go back in time when you only held me in my mind…just a longing gone without a trace…oh I wish I’d never…ever seen your face…I wish you were the one…I wish you were the one that got away.”_

Myka finally allowed herself to look at Helena, and it was everything she had feared it would be. There was a look of pure shock and heartbreak on Helena’s face, tears streaming down her face, as she tried to hide in a darkened corner behind the bar. As if she could sense Myka looking at her, Helena’s eyes met Myka’s, and all Myka could see was the anguish that she had caused. She tried to will her features to display something that could explain, but she knew it was impossible. She tried to shake her head, as if that would tell Helena that this wasn’t what she thought it was, but Helena was already turning away from her, her focus returning to the stage, where things were only getting worse. 

Myka couldn’t even give a passing thought to the fact that Claudia and Liam sounded incredible, that they had done such justice to this song, given it the perfect amount of fierce intensity and quiet subtlety, that it was everything Myka had imagined when she wrote it. It was too good, because it was making this moment too laden with meaning, it was having too much of an impact, and Myka wished she could just run on stage and put a stop to it. She wished she could make this end before Helena was too far gone, but she stayed rooted where she was, stuck to her chair, unable to do anything but watch, listen, and break.

Claudia’s guitar faded out, and Liam’s guitar only echoed faint chords in the background, letting their mingled voices rise above the sound and intertwine with each other, a perfect balance and counterpoint to each phrase, Liam’s voice dragging just slightly behind Claudia’s almost like an echo, the perfect imitation of two people trying to fight back into the past to change what had gone horribly wrong.

_“I miss the way you wanted me…when I was stayin’ just out of your reach…beggin’ for the slightest touch…oh you couldn’t get enough…”_

Myka wished she could go back in time and never have written these lyrics, wished she could know then the impact they would have now and she would erase them, tear them apart, and scatter them to the four winds. Anything to stop those exact words from echoing around this goddamn bar, anything to stop the look she caught on Helena’s face, the look of abject _hurt_ , before she watched her run out from behind the bar and slam the door in near perfect timing to Claudia’s guitar coming back in with a force so loud and reckless that it drowned out the sound of Helena’s escape. 

Myka was impressed that her own chair didn’t fall over, she pushed it back so hard in an effort to get to Helena as soon as possible. She fought her way through chairs and tables, ignoring people’s looks and mutters of offense. None of it mattered, the _only_ thing that mattered was getting to Helena, was getting out of this room and into breathable air, where hopefully she could make sense of all of this. 

Myka’s feet slipped on the thin layer of ice on the sidewalk as she tried to run towards Helena’s retreating back. She caught herself on the railing leading up the Regent’s steps, finally resigned to simply stopping and shouting, “Helena! Wait!”

Part of her expected Helena to just keep walking, to ignore her very presence, but Helena’s response was instantaneous, whipping back around, her hair almost falling out of its tight hold. Her tears still falling were instantly freezing to her face, her cheeks red, her eyes blazing with a heavy mixture of anger and hurt, her voice coming out cracked and raw, unlike anything Myka had ever heard before, “Was that about me?”

Myka was expecting the question, knew that it had to have been circulating through Helena’s brain from the moment the song started, but it did nothing to actually prepare her for _hearing_ the words come out of Helena’s mouth. She couldn’t keep her eyes from widening, her jaw from dropping, making her look confused and uncertain, despite knowing _exactly_ what Helena was talking about. She tried to form words, but all that came out was an ineloquent, “What?”

Helena scoffed, pointing back towards the bar where the bass was pulsing through the door, “ _That song_ , Myka! Did you write that about us?” Helena knew it was insane, knew that the timing didn’t make sense, that it wasn’t even plausible for it to be true, but the words kept ringing through her mind, digging into her nerves, and not letting her get rid of the thought that they seemed far too applicable to hers and Myka’s situation.

Myka hung her head, shaking it dejectedly, horrified that everything was playing out exactly how she had expected it to from the second she heard Claudia start singing. Her voice when it came was the polar opposite of Helena’s, it was quiet, weak, “No Helena…”

“Please do not call me that.”

Myka couldn’t help the recoil that went through her body. She took a deep, sharp breath, feeling her own tears starting to build. She couldn’t believe that they were this far gone, enough to make Helena not want to be _Helena_ to her anymore, or at least not right now. She swallowed in an effort to find strength, it barely helped, “I’m sorry…but no…I didn’t. I wrote that years ago about Sam, when everything was falling apart, it was the only way I could think to deal.”

Helena gave a short, derisive laugh, “I think I’d take a song over your running away if we’re discussing your methods for dealing.”

“I will gladly take that shot, because it is absolutely deserved, but Hel…” she stopped short and tried to backtrack and self-correct, “but how could you think that I would do that to you? Write a song like that about you, about us, and unleash it on the public like that?” 

“At this point I wouldn’t put anything past you.”

Myka finally found her voice, a surge of anger pushing through her veins, Helena needed to let her _explain_ , “That’s not fair!”

Helena’s eyes widened, anger flashing through them, no longer mixed with hurt, just pure unadulterated anger, “Fair?! Honestly, you want to say that _I’m_ not being fair?” She scoffed and ran her hands through her hair, despite its resistance to such a movement, “You left me Myka! You broke up with me…in a fucking text message and then you just _disappeared_! You really want to talk about fair?”

Neither of them registered the door opening behind Myka, until Vanessa’s voice carried out to them, with the faint edges of the end of Claudia and Liam’s singing flowing out with her, “Ladies? I realize that you clearly have a lot to discuss, but might I suggest, for both of your sakes, that you don’t do that out here?”

Myka watched with a near morbid fascination as Helena’s features completely transformed from anguished to completely under control. She shook her head, and squared her shoulders, and Myka could have burst into tears for thinking, “there’s that _swagger_ ,” as Helena brushed past her with a second glance, “You’re absolutely right Vanessa, and I need to get back to work.”

Myka reached out a weak hand for Helena’s, forcing her tongue to wrap around syllables she hadn’t spoken in months, syllables she never thought she would truly say again, “H.G….”

Helena turned back to her, and Myka could see her shattering with every word, as she tried to fight back her tears, “You told me that you didn’t want to be the one to break my heart, Myka, and yet that is exactly what you have done.”

Myka couldn’t find any words, just stood there in the cold and the snow, watching Helena disappear back into the café. She ran her hands over her face, wanting to scream at the top of her lungs, but only feeling a sob rising up in them. She felt a hand wrap around her shoulder, but if she was expecting a consoling tone from Vanessa it didn’t come. Instead her voice was hollow and a bit cold, “It is your choice whether you go home right now, or if you want to stay and we can talk afterwards.”

Myka just nodded her head, unable to meet Vanessa’s eyes. The pressure on her shoulder disappeared and she heard the door snap shut again, leaving her alone on the sidewalk with nothing but the traffic noise to keep her company.

**

“I thought you had gone home?”

Myka leaned back in the desk chair and gave Vanessa a faint smile where she stood leaning against the office door frame. Myka took a sip from her beer, “I snuck back in through the side door, managed to coerce Todd into bringing me _this_ ,” she tilted her beer towards Vanessa, “and have basically been hiding back here trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.”

Vanessa rolled her eyes and pushed off the door frame, “More like trying to avoid another apocalyptic throw down with your girlfriend.”

Myka smirked pathetically, “That too.”

“Well, the place is empty, so get your ass out here and talk to me.”

Myka took another drink of her beer, “Aye aye.”

They settled onto two barstools, allowing Myka to feel grateful that she didn’t have to look Vanessa in the eye, not when she had that _tone_ , that disappointed, disapproving, just this side of angry tone, “She said you broke up with her. What happened?”

Myka didn’t want to be having this conversation and was suddenly wishing she had just gone home. She tried to deflect the question, “It was just too much.”

Vanessa scoffed, “Do not lie to me Myka. You stayed here because clearly you wanted to talk about this. Therefore, if we are going to talk about it, I at least expect you to be honest with me. So, I will ask you again, what happened?”

Myka sighed and pushed her beer away, it had gone warm, and just the thought of it made her stomach turn, “Exactly what she said. I broke up with her…in a text message…the day after we slept together for the first time.” Myka didn’t know why she felt the need to share _that_ particular piece of information, but suddenly it all seemed like it was on the brink of rushing out of her.

Myka could _feel_ Vanessa’s eye roll, “Jesus Christ, Myka. What were you thinking?”

“I _wasn’t_ thinking Vanessa! This…this is not what I wanted to happen.” Myka immediately felt a surge of guilt, Vanessa didn’t deserve this, “God I’m sorry Vanessa. I’m just…I’m so tired and this has turned into a complete disaster.”

“Break ups tend to do that dear one. So, if this isn’t what you intended to happen, what made you do it?

“It’s a long story, and one that I don’t particularly feel like going into tonight.”

Vanessa sighed, “Alright well, then there’s not much I can say to help, but I’m guessing you aren’t really looking for help here.” Vanessa hesitated, “Was tonight the first time you’ve seen each other since it happened?”

“Hell, it’s the first time we’ve _talked_ since it happened.”

“God, I’ve said it from the beginning, you two are insane. You don’t do anything the easy way do you?”

Myka chuckled, “Nope, apparently not, but who knows maybe this _is_ the easy way. Maybe us breaking up before we can do any real kind of damage to each other is the easy way.”

Vanessa stood and pressed a kiss to Myka’s head, “Oh honey, if that’s what you think, then you really didn’t pay attention to what happened here tonight. This, you two, whatever happened, it was never going to be easy.”

**

Myka barely remembered driving home, barely remembered walking up the stairs to her apartment, barely remembered climbing into her pajamas and pulling Helena’s Oxford hoodie over her head. All she could think about, all she could remember was the _look_ on Helena’s face when she said Myka had broken her heart. Myka sank back onto the couch, finally allowing herself to give vent to the tears that she had been fighting off all night. For the first time, she really, truly feared that she had thrown something that was _everything_ to her away.

**

Helena paced around her apartment unable to focus on anything but the anger pulsing through her veins. It kept pounding away at her brain, only to be met with a hard pang of fear. No matter what had happened, no matter how much this had spiraled out of control, she still wanted answers, and she wanted those answers to make some kind of sense, so that she and Myka could just get back to being who they were. Part of her judged herself for wanting that so badly, yet it didn’t change the fact that none of this had altered her feelings for Myka. If anything this had only solidified that she wanted nothing more than Myka, she wanted nothing more than for Myka to fight for them as much as she was willing to fight for them. She huffed out an aggressive sigh, pacing around her apartment wasn’t going to solve a damn thing, and this had gone on too long. She tugged her coat on and grabbed her keys, there was only one thing left to do.

**

Myka plunked out a few pathetic chords on the piano, gritting her teeth against the pencil she held between them. She was determined to at least do something productive with all of this _emotion_ , but her mind was too foggy to form her thoughts into anything coherent. She let her head thud against the top of the music rest, almost in direct unison with a loud, insistent knock on her back door. She dragged herself away from the piano, barely wondering who was bothering her this late. Nothing was registering anymore, she was quickly beginning to wonder if anything even _mattered_ anymore. She distractedly opened the door, only to be met with Helena, looking fierce and determined and gorgeous, backlit by the moonlight. Myka’s brow furrowed, the word slipping past her lips without a second thought, “Helena?”

“You don’t get to do this.” Helena brushed past her and stepped fully into the apartment, already shedding her coat and tossing it on a chair. She turned back to Myka, eyes blazing, “I won’t _let_ you do this.”


	12. I Didn't Want to Need You/Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Myka and Helena finally do some talking...and some yelling...and a bit more talking. Myka comes to a decision. Pete comes to a decision. Oh and a certain demo gets recorded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both songs for this chapter are by Heart...from one album in particular...one that our dear Myka has a bit of an affinity for.

Myka tried to force her head to clear, to make sense of the words that were coming out of Helena’s mouth, but she was too dazed by the fact that she was standing in her apartment, mere hours after leaving her winded and stunned on the sidewalk of the Regents, to make sense of anything. All Myka could do was stand there, mouth ajar, door to her apartment still open bringing with it a sharp wind and tiny puffs of snow. Finally, she found some semblance of words, forced herself to find them in the face of Helena’s intense, determined stare. Myka shook her head slightly, still not entirely herself, “You won’t let me do what?”

Helena tried to bite back a chuckle, but it came out involuntarily. It wasn’t harsh or biting, but simply incredulous, because of course this woman would stand there in the cold, and act like she didn’t understand exactly what was going on. She rolled her eyes, “Throw this away, Myka. I will not just go quietly, and act like none of this matters, like you and I don’t matter. So, I am here, at this unseemly hour of the night, standing in your now freezing cold apartment, telling you that I will not let you do this.”

Myka looked down at her hand, still wrapped around the doorknob, and for the first time realized what was actually happening. She shut the door and turned back towards Helena, hand instinctively rising to rub against the back of her neck, suddenly extremely conscious of the fact that she was standing there in Helena’s sweatshirt. An unexpected wave of thankfulness rushed through her body. When she had watched Helena retreat back into the Regents earlier, she had thought things were over and had little chance of coming back to her, but leave it to Helena, to summon up enough bluster, bravado, and swagger to show up and declare that she wasn’t going anywhere. She took in a deep breath, “Believe me, my intention was never to throw this away. That is nowhere close to what I want to happen.”

Myka watched as Helena’s stance steadied, she could practically see her muscles tighten and clench as if in preparation to storm a castle. She gave Myka a curious, scrutinizing look, “Then what do you want to happen, Myka? If this isn’t what you intended, if this wasn’t the plan, then what was supposed to happen after Sunday morning? What the hell happened if _this_ wasn’t what you wanted?”

Myka sighed and ran a hand through her hair, “This would probably be a lot easier if we were sitting, or at least not standing here staring each other down like this.”

Helena suddenly looked uncertain, like she was unsure of her place here in this apartment. This apartment where there was barely a single surface she hadn’t reclined against, sat on, been pushed up against, now seemed completely foreign. Her sudden flare of resolve and determination was starting to crumble, she didn’t know how to _do_ this. Myka, watching as Helena’s facial expressions flashed from stalwart, to hesitant, to near tears in mere moments, stepped towards her, a shaky hand reaching out for her wrist, “Hel…H.G.,” she shook her head, fuck _that_ was going to take some adjustment, “we don’t have to do this now. If you need more time…if you have suddenly realized that you can’t stand the sight of me, that’s ok. I would completely understand.”

Helena didn’t pull away from the touch, in truth she felt completely _unable_ to pull away from it, because God, she missed it, and part of her just wanted to say to with hell with all the talking, because Myka seemed so much more like herself now. Maybe they could just forget all of this, let it go, and relegate it to a time they would never speak of again. It was all she wanted really, but deep down she knew that ignoring whatever had happened wouldn’t make it go away, but would probably make it worse in the long run and it would come back and rear its ugly head at the most inopportune of times, leaving her and Myka a smoldering mess amongst the rubble. She sighed, still not pulling away from Myka’s grasp around her wrist, a small, apologetic smile tugging at her lips, “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, “You’re going to think I’ve lost all ability to speak, or at least the ability to say more than the next two words I think, but do what?”

Helena gave a soft chuckle, “My name, Myka. I was angry earlier and saying things completely born out of my hurt and my frustration, I wasn’t really thinking clearly. Please, don’t feel like you have to correct yourself like that. I think at this point, regardless of what happens between us, we’re well past the point of my being _H.G_. to you…at least I _hope_ that’s the case.” God, she wanted to kick herself, she sounded so _wanting_ , no longer fueled by her anger and adrenaline, she was crumbling.

“You were saying things you meant, _Helena_ ,” Myka gave her a soft smile. She wasn’t going to let Helena back down from the things she had said, the things Myka was certain she meant and felt, but Myka also wasn’t adverse to getting back to some sort of normal footing. Just letting the word slip past her lips ballooned a small bubble of hope into her chest, maybe they could survive this, if Helena still wanted to be _Helena_ , maybe they could get past this. Myka tugged slightly on Helena’s wrist, inwardly thankful that she still wasn’t pulling away from the light touch, pulling them both towards the couch. She settled herself into one corner and eyed the other encouraging Helena to follow. When she did follow, when she had instinctively pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it across their feet where they met in the middle of the cushions, when she gave Myka a soft smile, Myka continued talking, “If we’re talking about things we’re not letting the other do, I’m not going to let _you_ sit there and pretend like you aren’t still upset, still angry, still probably ready to scream at me. You can tell me that you weren’t thinking clearly, but you’re not going to convince me that all of that has disappeared miraculously in the last few hours.”

Helena bit back a smirk, “Ok, well, that is true. I won’t deny that I’m hurt, Myka, and that I am completely and utterly confused about what has been going on the last few days, _but_ I also don’t want us continuing on like this. The not talking, the ignored phone calls, the yelling, I can’t do it anymore, I don’t _want_ to do it anymore. I want us to talk about this…I need you to talk to me.” 

“Even if what I say might inspire more yelling? I know we need to talk about this, I want to talk about it too, but I’d be crazy if I didn’t admit that actually doing it scares the hell out of me, because what if what I say pushes you away or makes this fall apart…more than it has already.” Myka’s eyes stole to her hands twisting in her lap, suddenly unable to look Helena in the eye.

Helena reached for Myka’s twisting hands, stilling them with a light, lingering touch, “This isn’t falling apart Myka, not if I have anything to say about it. Weren’t you paying attention when I said the whole not letting you throw this away bit? Whatever is happening right now, it doesn’t have to be it, not if we don’t want it to be. And as for pushing me away, I’m fairly certain that as long as whatever you say is not that you ran away because I was complete rubbish the other night, then I think you’re ok. I’m tough Myka, I can handle it.”

Myka’s cheeks flushed and heated quickly, her breath escaping her lungs in a half-laugh, half-gasp, “Wow…” She shook her head, hand immediately back to rubbing her neck, “Ok, _that_ , is so not what this about. _Trust me_ , and if I didn’t make that abundantly clear the other night…well then…you weren’t paying attention.” 

“Well, I was rather preoccupied with other activities, so I might have missed a few things.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Ok, flirting with me is really not a great way to encourage the conversation that needs to happen to happen.”

Helena chuckled, a slight blush sneaking into her cheeks, “Very true. I’m sorry.”

A weighted silence fell between them. Helena picked at the fabric at the edge of the blanket, while Myka’s eyes fell to the snow gently cascading past the window. She ran her hand across her forehead, they could joke and tease all they wanted, but she knew it was a front, a _large, pointed_ front to mask that they both were upset and uncertain and scared. Clearly, neither of them knew how to begin, and she wondered if they might just sit like this the rest of the night, in abject silence, neither willing to start something that’s ending was so uncertain. 

Helena’s voice finally broke the silence, “You chose quite the appropriate soundtrack for tonight…”

Myka startled a bit, worried that Helena was reflecting back on Liam and Claudia, until she realized that Helena was talking about the music quietly pouring out of her speakers. She chuckled, “Yeah, well…it seemed the most fitting for my mood.”

A pained smile pulled at Helena’s mouth, “You were in need of Ann Wilson’s desperation?”

“I think that’s an accurate statement, yes.”

They both fell silent again, letting the music fill the room. 

_“I didn’t want to need you…no…I didn’t want to want you like I do…I didn’t mean to fall…didn’t want to care at all…I didn’t want to need you…like I need you now…”_

Myka shook her head, “And to think it wasn’t that long ago that I was worried that asking you what your favorite album of all time was was too much of a personal question.”

“Yes, well, I think we’re well beyond that at this point, though I must say, I kind of appreciate knowing the significance of why you would be listening to this album right now.” Helena paused, eyes boring straight into Myka’s, unwilling to let her look away, “Is this how you feel, Myka? About us?”

Myka sighed, maybe she should just let Ann Wilson do all of her talking for her…

_“I can’t get no sleep…’cuz I keep thinking of you all through the night…my eyes can’t wait to see you again…my arms can’t wait to hold you again…”_

Helena’s voice came again, with a little more steel laced through it, “I’m serious, Myka. Is this how you feel? That you wish you didn’t need me? That you wish you didn’t care?”

Myka fought back an eye roll, “It’s a song Helena…”

“It’s a very poignant song, that _you chose_ to listen to after everything that happened tonight. Myka, I can’t keep dancing around this. I can’t keep up this front of casual conversation. Talk to me…please…tell me if this is how you feel about us.”

Music kept pounding through the apartment, and Myka almost wished it would just go away.

_“I’ve always been free to leave when I wanted to leave…but it’s not up to me anymore…I didn’t want to need you.”_

Helena arched a frustrated eyebrow at her, “Well?”

“I don’t know, Helena!” Myka took a deep breath, she so desperately wanted to stay calm, but it didn’t seem very likely, “Yes, it scares the hell out of me that I need you this much, that I _want_ you this much…we’ve both said that this isn’t what we were expecting to happen, that we weren’t anticipating our lives taking this turn.”

“Is that why you ran? Is that why this happened? Because you were afraid you felt too much?”

“Helena…”

“No, Myka. If there was ever a time where you needed to _not even try_ to deflect with me, this is it. Myka, it is true that I have no desire to run away from this, from us, but I cannot sit here and have you give me the run around about this. I deserve to know what happened, _why_ it happened. You don’t want to push me away, well then start talking, because if you keep doing _this_ , deflecting and trying to get out of this conversation, that is what will push me away.”

Myka shook her head, running her hands through her mangled curls, “You can say that, Helena, but how do you know that what I have to say won’t make you want to run out of here and have nothing to do with me, anyway? How do I know that the second I start talking this thing with us, this thing that I’m starting to not know how to live without, doesn’t completely fall apart? How do I know that once you realize how _crazy_ I have been the last few days you won’t want to just completely be done with me?”

Helena let out a strangled groan, her hands clenching into fists around the air in front of her as though she wanted nothing more than to break something in half, “Have you learned _nothing_ over the last four months, Myka? Have you paid any amount of attention to what has happened between us since I got here? How can you think that I would be that indifferent? That I would be that fickle? That something you said could be enough to make me not want you anymore? Is what happened, is what you have to tell me really all that bad?”

Myka sighed, “No…I mean…I don’t think so…but how am I supposed to know how you’re going to react?”

“The only way to find out is to start talking…”

Myka pinched the bridge of her nose, but before she could start to say anything Helena was talking again, “Can I ask you something?”

Myka looked at her, puzzled, “Sure?”

“Did you mean any of what you said on New Year’s Eve?”

Myka’s brows knit together, this seemed to be coming completely out of nowhere. What on earth did New Year’s Eve have to do with what was happening between them now? She turned earnest eyes to Helena, “Of course I did.”

**

_Pikes Peak National Park, New Year’s Eve, 2010_

Helena nestled back further into Myka’s arms, tugging the blanket tighter around them, while simultaneously trying to stretch her toes closer to the fire. She fought back a shiver, “Remind me how all of you started this again?”

Myka chuckled into Helena’s hair, pulling her tighter and securing their positioning against the trunk of the tree where they were sitting as best as she could, “I honestly have no idea. I almost can’t remember when it started really. It’s just kind of been what we’ve always done.”

“You’ve always dragged yourselves out in the freezing cold on New Year’s Eve to watch fireworks?” Helena asked incredulously.

Myka pinched Helena’s bicep, “Do not knock tradition.”

“I’m not _knocking_ tradition, I’m questioning why it started in the first place. And can I just state that some of your American sayings still leave me a little baffled?”

Their bodies shook with Myka’s laughter, “You can, as long as I can say I find it absolutely adorable hearing you say them.”

“You can always say _that_. Seriously though? When did all of this start?”

Myka sighed and looked around at their surroundings, the fire, Claudia and Liam in chairs on the opposite side of it, guitars gently strumming with Steve leaning against Liam’s knees, while Todd helped Pete and Amanda arrange food on one of the many blankets around the fire. They all were in huge winter coats, multiple pairs of gloves, and hats tucked against their ears. Myka shook her head, “I guess we started in college? I think it was the first New Year’s that Pete and Amanda were together. Pete’s family used to have this big tradition of watching the fireworks from their porch but it kind of faded away after everything with his dad. Pete never really wanted it to end though. He told Amanda about it, she mentioned it to me, and we decided to surprise him. We figured why not go all out, and actually come out here, watch the climbers and then wait for the fireworks. He loved it, and it eventually just became what we did. When we met Claudia and Steve, we pulled them into it too, and here we are.”

“And there is an actual group of climbers up there? On top of the mountain? In this cold?”

“Colorado tradition. They’ve been doing it since the 20’s. A whole group of them decided it would be meaningful to climb the mountain on New Year’s Eve, and then they decided to set off fireworks at midnight for practically the whole city to see.”

Helena sighed in wonder, “That’s incredible.”

“Wait until you see the fireworks…talk about incredible.”

Helena turned her head slightly so she could see Myka. The fire glinted off of her curls at just the right angle to make her hair look almost red, there was a contented smile on her face, as she looked at Helena. Helena leaned back and pressed a kiss to that smile, “I love that you guys have all these traditions. It feels like a family. I love that you’ve included me in these things.”

Myka smiled and kissed her again, “You’re stuck with us now Swagger. You _are_ part of our family…better get used to us.”

Helena chuckled and leaned back into Myka’s arms, reveling in the feel of Myka’s fingers stealing into her hair, running lightly through it. Myka pressed a kiss to Helena’s ear, whispering, “I am so glad that you’re home.”

Helena pressed back even further into Myka’s arms, “I am too, though my jet lag would beg to differ on the intelligence of my coming home in time for a night of staying up this late.” She yawned as if on cue.

Myka chuckled, “I say having you here is worth the jet lag.”

“I would have to agree on that darling.”

Myka squeezed her arms around Helena’s waist, “I kind of irrationally, insanely missed you. I’m surprised I didn’t get pulled over with how fast I was going driving to the airport this afternoon.”

“You being in jail would have been a fairly poor welcome home present.”

“I confess I wasn’t really thinking straight, I was a bit too focused on the fact that you were finally coming home. I say again, I missed you…it was starting to mess with my head.”

Helena chuckled, “Claudia may have mentioned that you weren’t quite yourself while I was gone.”

Myka rolled her eyes and groaned, “Oh God, what did she tell you?”

“She may have referred to you as mopey.”

Unconsciously, Myka’s arms loosened a bit around Helena’s waist, “Ugh, that makes me sound so pathetic.”

Helena halted Myka’s movements, squeezing Myka’s arms tighter around her waist, “Would it help if I told you how much I missed _you_?”

Myka smirked into Helena’s hair, “It might…”

Helena turned again in Myka’s hold, “Let’s put it this way, at one point, my brother threatened to send me home early so I could stop looking so hopeless. I missed you terribly darling. I missed you like crazy.”

Myka pressed insistent, firm lips to Helena’s, willing them to say everything that she found herself incapable of expressing at the moment. When they parted Helena leaned back into Myka’s hold and fought back another yawn. Myka let her fingers resume their dance through Helena’s hair. Finally, she whispered, “Are we crazy?”

Helena chuckled, “Objectively? Yes. We are all in the middle of the woods, in December, practically sitting in the snow, all for the sake of fireworks. So, yes, definitely crazy.”

Myka laughed so hard, she rattled their mugs of cocoa where they sat next to them on the blanket. She reached a hand out to still them, “Well, ok, yes, crazy on that front, but I mean us. It’s been, what? Two weeks?”

Helena stilled, nodding, “It has…”

Myka sighed, she hoped she was saying this right, “I just…Helena…this…I feel like it means _something_ that we’re starting a new year together. It feels like a fresh start, a chance for something amazing, and I wish I could explain to you how happy I am that I’m getting that start with you. Is that crazy?”

Helena released herself from Myka’s hold, turning completely around, settling herself between Myka’s legs, fingers tracing over Myka’s cheekbones, “No, darling. It’s not crazy, because, this? Us? It _is_ something amazing, and I would like to believe that this is the first of many new years we will begin together.”

Myka arched an eyebrow at her, “Think you can put up with me that long? I’ve been told I have a tendency to be quite _insufferable_.”

“I think I can handle it. That is, if you are able to put up with me as well, darling.”

Myka pressed a quick kiss to Helena’s lips, “I want nothing _more_ than to put up with you.”

Helena smiled peacefully, “Well, then I’d say we’re maybe a little crazy, but at least we’re willing to be crazy together.”

“There is no one else in this world that I would _rather_ be crazy with.” Myka didn’t even give Helena a chance to respond, but pressed their lips together, willing the world to fade away around them. She didn’t pull away from Helena’s touch until the sound of the first fireworks began.

**

Helena eyed Myka carefully, “And because I know, because I _believe_ that you meant what you said to me that night, I think that _you_ think that this could be something incredible, but that something scared you and made you run away. And since I, too, meant every single thing I said to you that night, you need to stop worrying that I am going to bail on you, on us, and you need to start talking. What happened, Myka? What made you run?”

A cold wave of reality washed over Myka’s body, making her instinctively hitch the blanket tighter around her feet. She could lose this. She could lose this woman who was putting up such a strong fight for her, for them. If she kept building up these walls and not letting anyone see through them, if she kept balking when Helena wanted in, if she kept pushing away despite knowing intimately how deeply she wanted to push forward, she would lose Helena. Pete had warned her a long time ago that Helena was not a woman to string along, to toy with, she was not someone who would tolerate indifference and strung out emotions. And she was everything Myka had ever wanted. This had to stop. All of this. All of her running, all of her fear, all of her attempts at deflection for the sake of going it alone. She couldn’t do it anymore, not if she wanted to be with Helena, not if Helena meant anything to her at all, and God this woman meant _everything_. It was now or never, if she wanted this woman to be her future, she had to fight for that future as hard as Helena was fighting. She felt like her feet were carrying her off of a cliff that she prayed had a soft landing, as she started talking, “Before I get into everything, which I will, I promise, I do want to apologize for…well for a lot of things, but those will all come in time. Mostly, right now, I want to apologize for not letting you know where I was. I don’t know how much Pete told you, though I’m fairly certain he told you _a lot_ , because he’s Pete, but the cabin is where I’ve always gone when I need to get out of my own head. It’s not exactly rational and it’s not even remotely responsible, especially when I go without telling people where I am, knowing full well that I will be without cell service. You didn’t deserve that…you didn’t deserve any of this, but I should have let you know where I was, or at least that I was ok. I just…I got really, really lost and it was the only place I could think to go, and I should have answered my phone, I shouldn’t have run away, I should have talked to you right off the bat, instead of making you put up with all of this, and making you worry in the process. Ok, wow, I’m getting a little ahead of myself…”

Helena twirled one of the tassels of the blanket between her fingers, suddenly uncertain if she _was_ fully prepared for this conversation. Jesus, they were impossible. They always ran up to these lines, ready to take charge, and then the second that the other arrived, they backed away. That had to stop. She sighed, “I was so worried about you. Not knowing where you were, not knowing if you were just ignoring my calls or if something had happened. Hell, I actually came over here, on the off chance it might give me some kind of answer.”

Myka’s eyebrows raised, “You did?”

Helena nodded softly, “I did. Sunday night, I couldn’t take the fact that I hadn’t heard from you, and I was worried, and I needed to know if you were simply ignoring me or if you weren’t home, and once I realized that you weren’t here…my worry became quite irrational, along with my anger, if I’m being perfectly honest.”

“Helena, this is something that I’m going to be apologizing for for the next fifty years, I swear, because, God, I hate that I’ve put you through this. It isn’t fair and it was a completely childish way to react.”

“The next fifty years, huh?” Helena smirked.

“Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I should probably make sure you’ll still have me for another _day_ after this conversation is over.”

“I’m fairly certain I’ll take fifty centuries if we can just get past whatever this was.”

Myka tugged on one of her curls, watching it spring back into place then running a hand through her hair, dragging it away from her forehead, “You were right. The other night on the phone.”

“About what?”

“When you realized that my mood, my _tone_ was because of my dad initially. God, see? I should have just told you everything then, and maybe I could have saved any of this from spiraling out of control.”

Helena sighed, her eyes turning towards the ceiling, “I would be a liar if I didn’t confess, I am _quite_ tired of your father and his _opinions_ getting in the way of our relationship. You never truly told me what he said.”

Myka passed a hand over her eyes. She _hated_ that Helena had already been through this enough times to harbor anger towards her father, but she also knew that it was no one’s fault but her own that she still let him have an impact. She took in a deep breath, she did not want to attempt to say any of this through tears, “He was really, really pissed that I hadn’t told him about us, not that he really _cares_ , not that he has any _right_ to know anything, but whatever. He started just going on and on about how he had warned me that Sam was a mistake and that he would break my heart, and _look how right he had been_ about that, and what made me think that this would be any different. He just kept harping on the fact that I was making the same mistakes again, and how could I not realize that you would leave me, because that’s what Sam did, because that’s what _musicians_ do. They let their lives go to their heads and all of this bullshit about how you would do exactly what Sam did. Eventually, Tracy came in and put an end to it, but at that point it was too late, he had said what he wanted to say, what he _knew_ would hurt the most.”

“I don’t know how you just sit there and put up with the ridiculous, utterly asinine things that man says, Myka.”

“I didn’t just sit there, Helena!” Myka took a deep breath, yelling would not help anything right now. “I didn’t just sit there. I wasn’t just going to let him go on and on about you and about Sam, and not say anything. No, I told him that I resented him implying that everything I had done with my life was a mistake, and especially that he said you were a mistake. I told him in no uncertain terms that you were _not_ a mistake, that I was happy, that he had no right to express an opinion about who I choose to spend my life with, and that just because he thought I was a disappointment, didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy with the choices I had made.”

Helena grimaced, she knew it wasn’t her place to criticize how Myka handled her father, that she shouldn’t intimate that Myka couldn’t stand up for herself, she knew she could, even if it rarely stuck. She pressed her toes against Myka’s under the blanket, “I’m sorry, Myka, I didn’t mean to imply…I just…”

“No, oh my God, Helena do not apologize to me for anything. Because the thing is, yeah, sure, I stuck up to him in the moment, but then I let every single goddamn word he said run through my mind the rest of the day. I seem to possess the uncanny ability of telling him off while simultaneously caring way too much about what he has to say.”

Helena shrugged her shoulders, almost dejectedly, “He’s your father. You don’t think that even though I took care of myself at the time, that I didn’t spend far too many days crying on Charles’ shoulder about my parents’ disapproval regarding the baby? Myka, it killed me that they didn’t support me. I understand…I really do.”

“I know you do. I just…I want to not care, because why should I? Why should I give a damn what he thinks? Sure, he’s my _father_ , but when has he ever acted like it? This is the man who tried to make a scene at my college graduation. Who has the gumption to bring up my dead boyfriend like it’s the best trump card he’s ever gotten. I mean why the fuck should I care what he thinks?”

Helena gave her a soft smile, “Because you’re you. Because you love everyone around you so deeply that you don’t know how to get out even when you’re getting hurt. Because you love your mother so much, you can’t imagine what it would do to her if you stopped talking to him.”

Myka laughed softly, “All very valid points. I meant what I said though, he doesn’t have the right to talk about you, about us, like that, and I shouldn’t care what he thinks about it, because all that matters is how I, how _we_ , feel about it.”

“And yet…what he said struck a nerve because you’re worried it might be true, right? That’s why when I started telling you about everything with Kelly on the phone that night, you got that tone? Why you couldn’t stop using the word ‘good’?” 

Myka mockingly stuck her tongue out at Helena, trying to ease the tension, “I thought _good_ was a perfectly acceptable word for the situation.”

“Oh yes, because your brilliant mind could only come up with that one single adjective.”

“It was late! I was tired!”

Helena shook her head in mock despair, “Always so _sleepy_.”

Myka chuckled, “True, but I had a good excuse that night…”

“True.” Helena sighed, when they were like this, all playful banter and flirting, things felt right, easy, _simple_. A small smile lingered on her lips, “I’m right though aren’t I? You’re worried that’s what’s going to happen…that I’ll leave you. That if things with the band progress, we won’t be able to do this.”

The tears Myka had been desperately trying to hold back starting pooling, “You’ve known that I worry about that.”

“I know, but this is the first time that I’ve actually worried that it might be enough to make me lose you.”

“I don’t want you to lose me Helena, I don’t..I don’t want to be lost, but” Myka gritted her teeth as she tugged her fingers through her hair, “I’ve seen this happen, I’ve been there, I’ve seen the chaos and the changes that can happen. I mean I know how hard it was for me to keep in touch with _Pete_ when we were out on the road. Jesus, I was barely able to control my own relationship on the road and Sam was there the whole time. I just…my life…my life is here. It’s the store and it’s Ethan and it’s my mom and it’s the Regents, and that’s not going to change, but you…your life Helena is going to get so crazy and so _big_ when all of this happens, and that’s what _should_ happen, because you guys deserve all of that. You deserve the tours and the chaos and the attention, and I want you guys to experience that, because you’re so good and the world needs you guys, but what happens...” Myka’s lips stalled around the final phrase she couldn’t bring herself to say.

Helena leaned forward and tugged on Myka’s fingers where they rested against her knee, “When what happens, Myka?”

Myka took in a shaky breath, “What happens when your life gets so big that you realize that me, that us, that it’s too small? What happens when I’m not enough?”

Helena closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, steeling herself against the small bubble of frustration that was rising in her throat, because God _how many times_ do they have to have this conversation? How many times does she have to explain to Myka that they are all she wants? She let out a long, slow breath, willing her voice to stay controlled, “Ok…I have _a lot_ of things that I want to say to that, but before I do, I need to know, is that it? Was it your father and the comparisons to Sam compounded with the band moving forward what made this happen? Because if it is, then I really need to say what I need to say, otherwise I might explode. _However_ , if there is more…”

“There’s more…” Myka’s voice had started to stall. She felt like a fool. They had talked about all of this before, and Helena had to be so tired of that, and now she had to explain that what tipped the scales was a _dream_. Suddenly, the last four days seemed like some colossal, foolish joke, and she saw her actions for the idiotic mistake they were.

Helena nodded slowly, “Ok…”

Myka pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes itching against her tears and her contacts. Idly, she wondered why she hadn’t taken them out and put her glasses on. Her eyes turned away from Helena, she wasn’t sure she could say this directly to her, it would make her feel like a child. She leaned her head back against the pillow of the couch, “It was all of that. Mostly it was that, but it all kind of culminated in this fucking dream I had.” Her words started coming out faster, her mind tricking her into thinking that if she just said it really, really fast it wouldn’t sound stupid or possibly that Helena wouldn’t realize exactly what she was saying. She closed her eyes and let her words flow out, “I know, I know it sounds _insane_ that I’m saying this was about a dream, but it was just everything that I’ve ever been worried about Helena. It was this strange, cruel twist of my past and what I feared our future might be. I got flashes of Sam and Giselle, and then suddenly it was you and Giselle, and it all just kept spinning out of control. You guys were on tour, we weren’t talking. You were telling me I had gotten things confused and that we were just some fling while the band got their shit together. Then…God…I was back in that fucking hospital room again and it was Sam, but then it _wasn’t_ Sam, it was you, and no matter how much I tried to make that image go away, it was just emblazoned into my mind. I couldn’t handle the thought of losing you, of losing you so permanently, now that I know what it is to have you. I tried to forget Helena, but this, I guess is the downside of a fucking eidetic memory, because I couldn’t, and so I grabbed my phone…and I wasn’t _thinking_. I wasn’t thinking, and then once it was done, I didn’t know how to explain, I didn’t know how to take it back. I would think about possibilities of how to do that, but then I’d close my eyes and all I would see is your face on that goddamn table and I just couldn’t…” Myka hated that there were tears cascading down her face, because dammit, she just wanted to be strong for this woman, but it never seemed to happen.

Helena ran a tentative thumb over Myka’s knuckles, “Myka…”

“No…Helena…if we’re going to talk about this, if you want me to be honest, I need you to _get_ that this wasn’t just about a dream, it was about losing you. It was about how Friday night was damn near perfect, and I loved being in that place with you, I loved us just being _us_. And then between my dad and the band and my own fucking thoughts, I got lost. I got so worried about how I feel about you, about what I would do if you were gone, if I lost you, and I lost my mind. And that’s not fair, that’s not even remotely fair, and so I need you to not say my name like _that_ , like this is all ok. I know I hurt you, and I am so fucking sick of hurting you. I am so tired of feeling like this ball of worry and fear.”

Helena didn’t know what did it, but something in her snapped, “You don’t think that I’m tired of feeling like that too, Myka?! Do you not realize that all of those fears are _my_ fears too? How can you not think that knowing what I know about you, about everything you’ve gone through, that I’m not absolutely, bloody terrified that all of this, the band, this life is going to make you do exactly what you’ve done? Run away! Do you not realize that while, yes, I am happy and excited and so many other things about the band, I’m also terrified that it’s going to make me lose the thing I never even realized I could want this much? You aren’t the only one afraid of losing someone Myka, but you’re so ensnared by all of your father’s bullshit that you can’t imagine that you’re somebody that someone could fear losing.”

Helena’s raised voice only made Myka’s nerves fire and course harder, her own voice matching Helena’s, “And see that’s what I don’t want! I don’t want to feel like I’m holding you back, like you can’t enjoy what is happening to you right now because you’re so worried about how _I’m_ dealing.”

Helena unfolded herself from the couch, her muscles were cramping and the blood pounding in her temples was preventing her from staying still any longer, “That’s what a relationship is Myka! It’s worrying about each other and trying to make your lives work together. You can’t just ask me to stop worrying about how things going on in my life affect you, because, God, can’t you see, don’t you _get_ that at this point, you _are_ what I want my life to be. I want my life to be us, to be this, and so yes I am going to worry, but I also know that I cannot do this if you refuse to talk to me about these things. I won’t do that anymore Myka. I know your instinct is to run and God knows you have been through enough to warrant that, but I am _right here_. I am not going to bail on you when you tell me you’re worried about something or when you’re angry, but I sure as hell _will_ start contemplating bailing if you keep bailing on me and leaving me like this, so that we end up like…God… _this_.” Helena furiously pushed her hair back, as she continued to pace in front of the couch. She didn’t want to be angry and she didn’t want to yell, but Myka needed to understand. She needed to see that this was never going to work if they kept going on like this, and Helena didn’t know how to explain that without screaming, because the very thought of this, them, _stopping_ made her want to explode. No matter how crazy Myka made her, Helena still wanted this life with her…but she meant what she said, she couldn’t keep doing this.

Myka felt stunned. She’d never really heard Helena like this, but if she was being honest, this was what she wanted. She didn’t want Helena to coddle her and say this would just be ok, she didn’t want her to tamp down her anger for the sake of making things better. If all of this was going to make any difference, things had to start changing, even if that meant yelling at each other. She opened her mouth to try and formulate some sort of response, but Helena held up a solitary finger, stilling Myka’s words, her movements, everything.

Helena sighed, “Just…just let me get the rest of this out. I think sometimes you forget that I know exactly where you’ve been...” She paused, head slightly cocked in consideration, “Ok, well not _exactly_ , but I think you forget that I’ve got my own set of broken baggage that makes me feel like I’m on the brink of going crazy sometimes too. I have my own stuff that brings its own level of terror to this relationship. I know what this is like, Myka, the overwhelming fear, the desire to just push everyone away, because then it’ll keep you from getting hurt. Sure, you tell yourself it’s to keep you from hurting _them_ , but ultimately it’s about getting hurt yourself, _again_. After I lost the baby, all I did was run. That was what moving to New York was…it was running. Away from my family, from my friends, from my life, from anything that I even remotely recognized, from anyone that cared about me enough to call me out on my high level of _not dealing_. The first year I was in New York…you wouldn’t have recognized me if you could have seen me then. I jumped around from relationship, if you could even call them that, to relationship. I didn’t want to attach myself to anything that I could lose. I hurt people, Myka. I felt like my life was over. Even with Nate, it was all such a big lie. Convincing myself that it was giving me a life I wanted, even though we were miserable, and he hurt me and I hurt him, I just made myself believe it was worth it, because maybe if we didn’t love each other, we would never hurt each other deep enough that I would actually feel it.”

Helena sank back into the couch, a wave of exhaustion washing over her. She idly wondered if she and Myka would ever, truly be done with all of this never-ending _talking_. She sighed, tucking her feet back under Myka’s, “Even after things got better, after I figured out how to live in the midst of the pain and the grief, even after I found people who cared about me, who helped me through it, it lingered. I was _happier_ , but that didn’t mean I was ready to open myself up completely to that kind of utter, devastating loss again. So, when I moved here, and I met you, when I realized what was happening between us, what I was feeling for you…it terrified me. It terrified me more when I realized that it seemed like we were both so fucking broken that we didn’t know how to function properly sometimes. After everything, I had convinced myself I wanted to just be alone, and then there you were…I wanted to focus on my music and then I just had to fall for this amazing, gorgeous woman who had gotten so burned by that life that I wondered if it was all just some cruel joke. That I would find someone like you…only to have it feel like all the odds were stacked against us for us to actually make it work.”

Myka waited for what felt like hours before she found anything even remotely resembling words to say. She hated that she barely had given any thought to Helena’s past pain in all of this. She hated that they were standing on the brink of such utter disaster, and it was completely her fault. God, she didn’t want to lose this. She took a stuttering breath, “Do you still feel that way? Like everything is working against us? Like we can’t make this work?”

Helena sighed, “I was starting to _not_ feel like that. After I came home from London, the last few weeks, everything has just felt like it was moving in the right direction, and I started to hope that we were both moving on, moving forward together, but you running away from me Myka…”

Myka closed her eyes and sighed, “It’s done damage…I know.”

Helena sat forward, wrapping a hand around Myka’s ankle through the blanket, trying to draw Myka forward, to not close her eyes, but to just _look_ at her, “Yes, but Myka, the difference is you’re sitting there thinking that that damage is irreparable, and I’m trying to make you see that it isn’t even close to being that way. You have this look on your face like this is just going to absolutely fall apart at the seams and I’m going to run out of here and be done with it. That _is not_ what is happening here. That is not what I want to be happening, but I can’t be the only one fighting for it. I can’t hold up all the belief in this relationship Myka. You can’t think that it’s over every time we fight. You have to stop thinking that everything you do, even if it upsets me, is going to give me cause to leave you. That’s not how this works. I know that that’s how things might have gone in the past, but Myka this isn’t your past, and you have to stop thinking it is, you have to stop living in the past…we _both_ do.”

Myka felt like everything inside of her was shifting, like everything in her apartment was moving in slow motion. She had been such a fool. She had allowed herself to get so lost and so turned around that she forgot what an amazing woman she had right in front of her, one that was worth the risk, one that was worth the possibility of getting hurt, one worth the risk of losing, because wasn’t actually _having_ that better than knowing what it was to have it and throwing it away because of fear? All she could do was stare at Helena, Helena whose entire being was exuding confidence and hope and openness. She bit back a chuckle and shook her head, God how could she have almost let this go? She opened her mouth to say something, but Helena cut her off.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

Myka smiled softly, “Always. Unlike _you_ I don’t set question limits.”

Helena rolled her eyes, though in the back of her mind she couldn’t help herself from thinking, ‘there’s _my_ Myka.’ She kicked lightly at Myka’s shin, “I’m being serious.”

“So am I. Ask away.”

“Do you think this is a mistake?”

Myka took a deep breath, if things were going to change, it had to start now, “No. _Nothing_ could ever make me think that this is a mistake. The last few months with you, the last few _weeks_ in particular, have made me realize that it’s been far too long since I’ve been truly happy. _You_ make me happy. I know…” she took another deep breath, she had to make sure she was saying this correctly, “I know that everything that’s happened is going to make this next statement seem completely not true, but, Helena I want what we’re building together. I want you, I want to see what we could be, because you’re right, I _do_ think this could be something incredible. Honestly, I think we were pretty damn close to incredible already, before I messed this up so royally.”

Helena bit down on her bottom lip in a fruitless attempt at making her tears not fall, “So, you don’t want this to be over?”

“No. That is nowhere close to what I want, and I am so, so sorry that I made you think that it was. I am so sorry that I’ve hurt you like this Helena. I am so sorry that I have allowed so many things, so many things that _do not matter anymore_ affect us. I am sorry that I allowed myself to forget that you and I are here to untangle each other. I am so, so, so sorry that I let myself get so wrapped up in my own head that I forgot exactly why we’re together in the first place.”

Helena looked at her quizzically, “And why are we together in the first place?”

“Because we make each other happy. Because somehow in this crazy, completely fucked up world where we both have gotten hurt and where we’ve both lost so much, we somehow were still able to find the one thing that could make us want a future with someone again. Because never in my life did I even begin to think that someone could be so impossibly _right_ for me. Because never in my life did I even begin to think that I could, maybe, possibly be so impossibly right for someone else.”

Helena smiled, “All very good reasons.” She paused slightly, giving Myka a small smirk, “So this future you speak of? You’re sure that your vision of that still includes me? Includes us?”

Myka could practically feel her eyes widen and then steel into resolve, “I can’t imagine wanting any other kind of future.”

Helena took a deep breath, Myka sounded so very sure, so very unlike anything Helena had ever heard before from her, “Myka, I can’t make you any promises about what our future is going to be like if things with the band go anywhere. It would be irrational and unfair of me to make those kinds of promises to you, but you need to know that I am in this. That you and I are what I want. I’m deeply uninterested in any form of a future that doesn’t involve us, even if that is a future where I have as many gold records on my wall as you do. I don’t want this without you, and maybe that is _insane_ to say after such a short period of time, but I can’t have you harboring any doubts as to my seriousness about us. There is not a single scenario of my life where you are not be enough for me, so all of your worries about this life being too small for me…I can honestly say that is a sentence I never want to hear again.”

Myka smirked, “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

Helena paused a moment then continued, eyeing Myka carefully, “ _Actually_ , along that line…your oh so favorite line about not wanting to hurt me, it has to go too. We _both_ have to stop saying it, because Lord knows even if I haven’t said it as much as you, I’ve worried about it just as much. We have to stop worrying about hurting each other. It’s inevitable, Myka. It’s going to happen, but when it does, I need to trust that you’ll talk to me, that you won’t run, because that’s the only way this is going to work.”

Myka shifted to sit up straighter, moving her hand tentatively to link her fingers with Helena’s between them, “And because of that…because every single thing you just said is so absolutely true, I know I can’t ask you to be back in this with me until I’ve dealt with my shit.”

Helena’s eyes widened, her heart immediately pounding in her ears, “Are you…?

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “Helena, just wait, don’t jump off that cliff, ok. Just listen. I’m not saying I’m out, I’m not saying that we’re done, I’m not saying that we aren’t together. What I’m saying is that I need some time to fix this, to fix the things that have caused this. You can forgive me and we can say that we’re ok, but I’m _not_ running away from what I have done here and the reasons that all of this happened. I don’t want this to happen again, and because of that, I have some things I need to do. I need you to know that when I say I’m all in, I mean I’m all in, and saying that right now to you, wouldn’t feel genuine because you have no reason to believe it.”

“Myka you don’t need to _prove_ anything to me.”

Myka chuckled, “I know I don’t, but part of all of this was you saying that you need me to be honest with you, to talk to you, and that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m saying I need you to let me do the things I need to do, so that you can _know_ what this, what you and I mean to me. I’m not doing it because I feel like I need to prove anything, I’m doing it so I can be the person I want to be with you.”

Helena just kept staring at her incredulously, “You _are_ what I want Myka.”

Myka shook her head, crooked smile twisting across her face, “Helena…I know. I know that. I’m not questioning it. I’m just saying I get more than ever now that there are things I have to deal with in order for us to be as incredible as we both know we can be. I have allowed myself to be chased by the ghosts of my past for far too long, and the only way I can do this thing with you in the way I truly want to is if I work to put those ghosts to rest. For so long I’ve been saying that I’m ready to move on, that I want to move on, but I think I’ve just been saying that because it’s what people expected, and because truthfully I’ve never given myself a chance to think I really _needed_ to move on. I’ve allowed myself to be dictated by my past, and I have gotten far, far too comfortable with carrying that baggage around, acting like it’s not a big deal, acting like it doesn’t affect me. I have to let that go.”

“Myka, we can never truly divorce ourselves from our pasts, and I wouldn’t want you to think that you have to do that for me. I would never _ask_ that of you.”

“I know you wouldn’t, but I’m telling you that I have finally, _finally_ realized how badly I need to do this. I’m not saying I’m going to forget those things, because I am who I am because of them. My past has made me who I am, and I can’t just forget about that, but I think I’ve never really given myself permission to move on, permission to be someone who isn’t Myka Bering _plus_ the cartloads of baggage dragging behind me. I don’t want to keep carrying that around, Helena, it’s too much and it has gotten in the way of me living my life for far too long, I just never allowed myself to see how much it had gotten in the way, how much I _let_ it get in the way. This has shown me in startling clarity how bad it’s gotten. I can’t do this anymore, trying to live with one foot in the past and one foot in the future. It’s not fair, to me or to you. I need to do this Helena. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, I guess I just never had proper encouragement to do so. _You_ are the encouragement I’ve been waiting for. I want to be in this fully with you, Helena, and I want you to feel that I’m in it completely, not like you’re with me _and_ all these ghosts that might rear their ugly heads at inopportune times. I want you to just have me.”

Helena’s eyes narrowed, “I have no idea if that means we’re still together or if we’re on a break or what.”

An almost full, genuine laugh left Myka’s lungs, “Oh Swagger…we are making this far too complicated. We’re together. I think we’ve covered quite sufficiently that neither of us are particularly interested in anything other than being together. I’m just saying we slow down a little bit so I can take a little time and have a little space to do what I need to do.”

Helena slowly nodded, “Ok…I think I get that. I’ll be perfectly honest and admit I have no idea how exactly we _do_ that, but I’m willing to give it a try, if that’s what you need for us to move forward. _How_ exactly do you anticipate that working though? I mean are there parameters to this, terms?”

“Terms? Parameters? Are we negotiating a peace treaty now?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Hush. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m not functioning properly. Though I am serious…what _is_ the plan here? Are we simply reverting to pre-Friday night existence or pre-snowed in existence or somewhere in between…”

Myka chuckled, “I think definitely somewhere in between. I can’t say I’ve exactly thought it all the way through.”

Helena rolled her eyes with a smirk, “I adore you and I will absolutely give you whatever you need, but I will say, _for the record_ , that you are insufferable.”

“I don’t see that changing anytime soon Swagger, better get used to it.”

“I shall see what I can do about that.” Helena sighed and gave Myka’s hand which she was still holding a small squeeze, “So what do we do now?”

“Right this very second, I would say sleeping is probably a good idea, given that it is almost three in the morning.”

Helena looked at her watch, “Jesus it is. We like this _talking_ thing far too much.”

Myka smirked, “Sometimes the talking is a bit necessary.”

Helena nodded, “True. Ok, so sleeping, but after the sleeping, after the this very second, what do we do?”

“We do what we usually do. We run, we _talk_ , we on occasion eat food together…”

“But just with a little more _space_.”

“Ok, you say it like that and I’m beginning to want to call myself insufferable.”

Helena held up her hands in mock surrender, “You said it…”

Myka nodded, “That I did. So…sleeping, a definite necessity.”

“Definitely, and a necessity that I will be partaking of in my own apartment.”

“Helena…”

Helena stood up quickly from the couch, “No, _hell_ no. We are not backtracking to all of our conversations about _staying_. In the interest of everything we’ve discussed tonight, I’m going to go home darling. I don’t think it would serve our purposes to sleep in the same bed this evening, and I’m not sure I can handle sleeping on your couch, knowing you’re only a few feet away, so I am going home, and you are going to wait up until I text you that I am home, and then we’re both going to _sleep_.”

“It’s late, and it’s snowing,” Myka folded her arms a bit defensively, she knew Helena was right, but she also hated letting her leave when it was this late.

“It’s not snowing anymore, and it’s a ten minute drive. I promise, I will text you when I get home.”

Myka sighed, “Ok, just promise me you’ll be careful.”

Helena gathered her coat from the chair in the corner and threw it over her shoulders, “I promise Sleepy. I will be extremely careful.”

Myka leaned against the wall near the back door, shifting awkwardly. She knew this was her idea, that this was what she needed, but it felt so _strange_ to be in this place of distance with Helena, after they had been in so many other _places_ of close proximity. Helena moved towards her, coy smile tugging at her lips. Her hands reached up and gave a small tug to the strings of Myka’s hoodie, “You realize that I should absolutely have teased you about the fact that you are wearing my sweatshirt, right?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yes, because having my patheticness on display for the world is so funny.”

“It’s not pathetic darling. Honestly? I might have done a bit more yelling this evening if I hadn’t walked in and seen you wearing it.”

Myka gave her a crooked smile, “Oh yeah?”

“Well, I couldn’t exactly yell when you were so obviously declaring how much you already missed me…”

“Right, because it couldn’t possibly have been just because this sweatshirt is insanely comfortable?”

Helena leaned into Myka a bit further, not enough to truly be _close_ , but certainly close enough to encourage thoughts of more _closeness_ , “Never darling.”

Myka leaned her head back with a mock sigh, “Lovely, I’ve just given you a bit more fuel for your swagger quotient. You intimate a person is irresistible and they just let it _go to their head_.”

“My swagger quotient knows no bounds darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “Of that I am well aware.”

Helena didn’t say anything, simply arched an eyebrow and moved a bit closer to Myka, fingers curling around the strings of _her_ hoodie. She got as close as she could without truly pushing forward, waiting to see if Myka would pull way, waiting to see if this action fell under the current bounds of their relationship. Myka didn’t pull away, but inclined her head just the slightest bit forward. Helena could see her eyes dilate slightly, her lips barely parted, and that was all the incentive she needed to press forward. Her hands immediately escaping the confines of the strings and tangling into Myka’s curls. Myka fingers gripped around her hips, pressing lightly. They both, instinctively seemed to know the limits of this kiss, because it was enough to leave them both breathless, but not enough to make them want to already erase the so very undefined boundaries they’d just established. Helena could have practically sobbed with relief at the feel of Myka’s lips moving so _surely_ against her own. The last few days had left her wondering if she was only going to be left with the memory of this feeling, so to have it back again, so real, she felt like she was fully breathing for the first time since Sunday morning. She forced herself to pull away slightly, resting her forehead against Myka’s, both of their eyes still closed, their breaths mixing and mingling together. She took a deep breath, a waft of coconut and mint, of _Myka_ , hit her senses like a ton of bricks. She let it out slowly, whispering against Myka’s lips, “I will _never_ stop fighting for you, Myka Bering. I just hope you’ll start fighting for yourself.” She pressed another, much lighter, much more delicate kiss to Myka’s lips, then pulled away entirely, hand already on the doorknob. She turned a quick glance over her shoulder, “I’ll text you when I’m home.”

Myka stood rooted to her spot against the wall, stunned and breathless, marveling at the endless wonder that was Helena Wells. She gave a slight nod, whispering, “Ok,” as Helena shut the door behind her.

**

Myka was the first to admit that wrestling wasn’t really her _thing_ , however, as the final score of the match was announced she couldn’t stop herself from joining with the rest of the crowd, shouting at the top of her lungs and rising to her feet. After today’s meet, Pete’s team only needed one more win and they would make it to state, and their final meet was against the worst team in their league, so it was pretty much sealed. She watched as Pete’s wrestlers engulfed him a mass hug, inwardly cringing at the fact that there was no way he was going to be able to shower before they went out to dinner. The look of pure joy on Pete’s face though was enough to quiet all of her thoughts though. When he was this happy it was hard to really pay attention to much else. That was, after all, why she had chosen to spend her afternoon off, while Claudia manned the store, at the meet, instead of going somewhere else.. Her feelings about wrestling aside, she was there to support Pete, and seeing him this happy, made the last couple of hours watching sweaty teenagers roll around seem moderately worth it.

She settled back against the bleachers. She still had at least a good half hour to wait before Pete was ready for dinner. She pulled her book out of her purse, but before she could open it, her phone buzzed.

_“Tell me that I don’t have to go to work tonight and that it is perfectly acceptable to keep laying on my couch and not moving.”_

She chuckled, despite feeling a twinge of guilt that she was the reason, yet again, for Helena’s exhaustion.

_“I could give you any number of reasons why skipping out on work is not a good idea. The least of which is the wrath of Vanessa.”_

_“Your logic is immensely vexing darling.”_

_“You should really be vexed at me for being the reason you were up so late last night…”_

_“Ah but remember I was the one that showed up at your door so it is somewhat my fault.”_

_“Are we keeping score now?”_

_“Simply stating a fact darling. Speaking of scores..how was the meet?”_

_“Good. They won…handedly. It would appear state is within their grasp.”_

_“Lovely. I assume Pete is happy?”_

_“Ecstatic. I may not get a word in edge wise tonight at dinner.”_

_“Good luck with that. Ok…I suppose I must get ready for work.”_

_“Poor thing. What time are you off?”_

_“11:30.”_

_“Ugh late night. Call me on your way home?”_

_“Try and stop me. Enjoy your dinner. Tell Pete I said congratulations.”_

_“Will do. Have a good night at work Swagger.”_

Myka sighed. It was almost disconcerting how easily they had slipped back into a sense of normalcy, yet it also gave her comfort that Helena was so willing to ride this out with her, not pushing, not testing any limits, but simply, immediately letting her have time and space, and somehow _knowing_ what the boundaries of that time and space were, what was too much and what was too little. She had no intention of prolonging this, she knew what she needed to do, knew what she needed to deal with, and as soon as she could do that, the sooner she and Helena could return to an even greater sense of normalcy, they could return to being _them_. God, she didn’t know how she had gotten lucky enough to find this woman. 

Before she could fall too deeply down the rabbit hole of that particular question, Pete was bounding up the bleachers towards her, flexing his muscles, doing a fairly decent Rocky impression.

“Mykes! Are my guys good or are they good?” 

She stood up and wrapped him in a light hug, holding her breath against the distinct locker room smell he brought with him, “They’re good, but only because you _made_ them good.”

Pete waved a dismissive hand, “I barely have to do anything with this group, they could coach themselves.”

“Hey, come on, they would not have gotten this far without you. _State_ , Pete. For the first time in what? Like twenty years? That’s huge.”

Pete shrugged his shoulders casually, “We aren’t there yet.”

Myka gave him a playful punch to his shoulder, “You might as well be. You guys have got this. Take the congratulations Lattimer. It’s deserved.”

“Ok, ok, I _suppose_ I will take congratulations in the form of dinner.”

Myka chuckled, “That’s what I’m here for. To make sure you’re fed when your girlfriend is working feeding other people.”

Pete flashed tiny finger guns towards her, “Hey, hey, hey _that_ is what makes us work, Mykes. Don’t fight it.”

Myka threw up her hands in surrender, “I would be crazy to fight it, so let’s just go. I can’t have you starving to death on my watch.”

“Amanda would never forgive you…”

“Yeah but my bank account might.”

“Oh come on, we’re getting pizza, I’m a cheap date.”

Myka just rolled her eyes, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll meet you over there.”

**

“I owe you an apology Pete.”

Pete’s eyes widened as he let his piece of crust dangle between his teeth. Finally, he bit part of it off, talking around it, “Why the hell would you owe _me_ an apology, Mykes? Oh man…what did you do? Did you like accidentally put a foot through my drums?”

Myka laughed as she took a drink of her iced tea, “No, nothing nearly as bad as _that_. No…Pete, listen, I’m sorry that you had to come get me. I’m sorry that I ran off and worried all of you.”

“Mykes c’mon…you know you don’t…”

“No, Pete, just let me finish. You have had my back over and over again and have had to tell me the _same things_ over and over again. I’m sure at this point you feel like I don’t listen to you at all, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Mykes, this is what we do. We could be eighty years old and if you still needed me to say those same things, I’d do it.”

Myka nodded and sighed, “I know, but I really hope that won’t be the case, and I’ll get to that but _first_ , there’s something else. You texted me. On Sunday, you had sent me a text, asking me to call you. I got it when I was on my way to the cabin, and I didn’t call, and I didn’t even have the decency to ask you what it was about when you got to the cabin. I have been the absolute worst best friend, and I’m sorry, you said you needed to talk to me about something, and it’s taken me all week to actually say something about it. I’m sorry.”

Pete rolled his eyes, “Mykes you are thinking about this way too much. You don’t have to apologize. You were in a bad place, and I wasn’t going to interrupt that with my stuff. You needed me. You never have to apologize for how our friendship functions, Myka. Some days I need you, some days you need me, and whatever that need is, we each step up for the other, plain and simple. That’s who we are. I don’t want to hear another word about it. ”

“And you don’t have to, but what I do want to hear another word about is what you needed to talk to me about.”

Myka wasn’t sure she had ever seen Pete blush, but in that moment he did, deep and fast, and when he started talking, he couldn’t stop stuttering, stopping and starting over, “Oh…yeah…well…oh…umm…right…the thing…the thing I needed to talk to you about.”

Myka’s forehead creased in confusion, “Pete?”

He shook his head and started fumbling for something in his pocket, “Maybe it’s better if I just show you, and dammit I need to get it together because if I can’t even say this to you…well…I’m fucked.”

“Again I say, Pete?”

Pete just held up a solitary finger, throwing Myka into silence. He fumbled a bit more in his pocket until finally he slid a small, black box across the table towards her. Myka reached for it tentatively, eyes seeking out Pete’s looking for permission, which he gave with a small nod. She cracked the box open and turned wide eyes back to Pete, “Ok, I’m going to _assume_ you aren’t proposing to me…”

“Umm…yeah…no…I love you, but no.”

“Pete! You’re going to…”

“Shhh…” Pete moved his palms in a kind of quiet down gesture, “Geez, tell the whole restaurant, Mykes.”

Myka grimaced, “Right, sorry, but _wow_ , Pete, this is huge. You’re going to propose! When? Where? How? Wait, when did you decide in the first place?”

Pete shrugged, “I’ve known for awhile, but I guess probably since Christmas. I realized that we have all these traditions together, and we’ve built this _life_ , and I don’t know, I just...I realized, I’m tired to calling her my _girlfriend_. I mean we have nieces and nephews. They call me Uncle Pete for God’s sake, and I’m tired of them doing that without a ring on her finger, without one on _mine_. I’m ready for the next part of my life Mykes, and I want to do that with Amanda. I mean I get that we’ve been together for like eight years, and really it’s just a piece of paper and some rings, but I don’t know…”

“But you want that with her. You want that life. You _deserve_ that life with her Pete.”

“So you think it’s a good idea?”

Myka couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh… _wow_ …Pete, I think it is a fantastic idea.”

Pete’s features devolved into something that seemed part nervous, part sheepish, “You…you think she’ll say yes right?”

Myka bit back a chuckle, this wasn’t the time for that, not with this look on Pete’s face. She grabbed for his hand and gave it a light squeeze, “There is no doubt in my mind that she will absolutely say yes. She loves you.”

“I know she does, but we’ve always kind of stayed away from all the marriage talk. I mean what if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea?”

“Pete…trust me…Amanda will think this is a good idea.”

“How do you know?”

She rolled her eyes, “Just trust me, ok?”

Pete shook his head, “Of course, you and Amanda and your weird connection with each other, obviously I should trust you on this.”

Myka smirked, “Exactly. So when are you going to do it? How are you going to do it? Or haven’t you decided that yet?”

Pete shrugged his shoulders, “I’m not sure. I mean I have the ring and I kind of want to just do it, ya know? Part of me was thinking about putting together a really nice night out, and then taking her for coffee at Pikes Peak, and do it there. Propose right next to the counter, right where we always talked when we first met. But part of me feels like maybe it should be something bigger, I don’t know, which is why I wanted to talk to you.”

“Pete, it’s _your_ proposal, it should be whatever you want it to be, whatever you think is best for you and Amanda.”

“I know, but I would still really, really love your opinion.”

Myka sighed, “Well, personally? I don’t think you need to do something big and dramatic, that’s not your style, and that’s not really Amanda’s style. If you do something completely out of the ordinary, she’s going to sense that something’s up and it might take away from the surprise. Doing it on a date night though, at a place that means something to you both? Doing it in a way that shows you really put a lot of thought and a lot of _heart_ into it? I think that’s perfect. She won’t be expecting it, and that’s what you want.”

Pete ran a distracted hand over his forehead, “I just want to do this _right_ , Mykes. I mean, ideally you only do this once right? I don’t want to screw it up. Not when it’s a moment you never really get back.”

“Pete, you can’t screw it up. Not if you tell her you love her and you do the whole down on one knee thing, not if you are just completely yourself, which is the person she loves. You can’t go wrong.”

“Sure I could! I could trip! I could say the wrong thing! I could drop the ring!”

“Whoa, whoa, Pete slow down. None of those things are going to happen, and even if they do, you’ll recover from them in that weird way you have of making things like that adorable, and in the end, it’ll end up making the story even better. You’ve got this Lattimer.”

Pete blew out a held breath from puffed out cheeks, “I hope so. Man, _marriage_. I never thought this would be what I wanted, but God…eight years later, I still cannot get enough of this woman.”

Myka smiled softly, “You love her. You’re not supposed to be able to get enough, Pete. I think that’s kind of the point.”

“True. Soooooooo…if and hopefully _when_ she says yes, can I count on you to be my best man…” he paused and scratched lightly at his head, screwing up his forehead in concentration, “or best woman, or whatever the hell you want to call it?”

Myka chuckled silently, “Amanda might put up a good fight for me to be on her side, but I’d say you’ll win that one.”

“Hey, hey, hey, you were mine first. I call dibs! Best man, best friend dibs!”

“I’m all yours, I won’t let her steal me away. Now you just have to ask her, then I can start figuring out all the ways you _aren’t_ going to embarrass me by asking me to wear some hideous dress or something else equally awful.”

“I _think_ I’ll leave that to you. Wear whatever you want, as long as you’re up there with me, I won’t care.”

“I can handle that,” Myka gave him a half-crooked, half-serene smile.  
Pete looked at her quizzically, “What?”

Myka shook her head, “You’ve gone and grown up on me…”

Pete rolled his eyes, but Myka could tell his heart wasn’t truly in it, “Is this the part where you tell me you’re proud of me?”

“It is, _because I am_. You’ve come a long way, Pete. A _hell_ of a long way, and I love you and I’m happy for you and _yes_ , I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Mykes,” Pete reached over and gave her hand a small squeeze, letting the gesture say more than he was capable of at the moment. He paused then cleared his throat in an effort to tamp down the emotion that was threatening to rise up, “So that’s my stuff. How are things with the lady love?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Lady love, really?”

Pete winked and took another slice of pizza, “Absolutely. So, have you guys finally talked? You would have seen her last night right? She works Wednesdays.”

Myka nodded slowly, “She does.”

Pete sighed and moved his wrist in a motion indicating he required her to talk more, “Annnnd? How’d it go?”

Myka didn’t know where to start, “Well, at first, ok, and then really, really badly, but then eventually kind of really well.”

“Hey, hey, _hey_.”

Myka held up a hand to stop him, “No. Just no. And God, please do not reference my sex life like that ever again.”

Pete grimaced and tried to cover his ears, though it was tough with a slice of pizza occupying one of his hands, “Ugh, Mykes, come on, don’t say it like that.”

Myka laughed, “Like what? You brought it up!”

“I know, but come on. Your _sex life_ , God, just no…leave me to my lady love illusions. Let me make up my own details.”

Myka sighed and rolled her eyes, “You are insane. Don’t act like you want details and then cringe at the reality of the details, Pete.”

“Whatever. Ok…so it was ok, then bad, then good. Explain.”

“Well, when I got there, we just kind of side-stepped around each other. It wasn’t really bad, just kind of awkward, but then…well, all hell broke loose.”

“Broke loose how?”

“Long story short? Liam and Claudia decided that last night was the _perfect_ night to reveal that they had recorded one of my old songs for Liam’s album. Which I _did_ know was a possibility, but let’s just say it was about the most disastrous song they could have chosen. Helena lost it. She stormed out, she thought it was about her, I tried to explain, and it just all kind of deteriorated from there.”

“Yikes. I’m not sure I ever want to see H.G. mad. I can’t imagine it’s a pretty picture. That woman could probably kill you with a look.”

Myka nodded her head slowly, “You have _no idea_. She yelled, I yelled. Vanessa broke it up before we could really get into it, because we were outside and well…it wasn’t really the best choice of venue.”

“Good call on Vanessa’s part. So then what happened?”

“Not much, we both went home without saying anything to each other, but then…then she showed up at my apartment at like midnight, and we talked. Ok, we fought, there was a little bit more yelling, but mostly, we talked.”

Pete rolled his eyes, “Ok, you’re really bad at this whole story telling thing. How did it go? I mean, you seem ok, which I hope means that you guys worked things out.”

Myka considered for a moment, taking a stray bite of her pizza, “We did. Sort of. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together, we are definitely, definitely still together, so I guess we absolutely course corrected my catastrophic mistake from this weekend…”

“But….”

“But we’re taking some time. I guess I shouldn’t say we. _I asked_ for some time and for a little bit of space. Which brings me back somewhat to my earlier apology. I think, _finally_ , the things you’ve been trying to beat into my head for the last three years, in some cases the last ten years have finally sunk in, Pete. I have let myself get so tangled up in my past and all my crap, that I’ve let that dictate my life. I mean everything with my dad and Sam and Giselle and just all of it. I’ve finally let myself hear it when you’ve told me I need to deal. I realized I can’t justifiably ask Helena to be with me, if I’m unwilling to get my shit together. _So_...she’s giving me a little time and some space to get that figured out. My _hope_ is that by doing this…you won’t ever have to come drag my ass away from the cabin again. I mean, I know I’m going to get some things wrong, and I’ll probably screw up again, but I just hope they’re all minor screw ups compared to what happened this weekend.”

“I think this is the point where I tell _you_ how proud _I_ am. I could repeat a lot of things that I’ve said before, but I won’t. All I’ll say is that I’m glad you’ve finally realized that you deserve to be happy.”

“Yeah, well, when that happiness ends up being Helena, it’s hard to want to be anything other than happy.”

Pete eyed her carefully, and he tapped a light finger to the back of her hand, “You think you’re ready for this, Mykes? The dealing?”

Pete watched as Myka’s eyes steeled and somehow softened at the same time, and he was suddenly reminded of what she looked like when she was eighteen years old. She sighed contentedly, “I have to be ready, Pete. I have to be ready, for her. I _want_ this, because I want her. She has made me realize that I haven’t had my happiness. I think for a long time, I thought Sam had been it, that he was the only hand I was going to get dealt, but now…now I realize I’ve been insane, and that it’s time to let all of that go, and just _be_ with her.”

“You really, really love her don’t you?”

Myka didn’t hesitate for even the tiniest of seconds, “I do.”

“You realize that that’s a two way street, right? You realize how much she loves you too, right?”

Myka realized her usual response to comments like that were incredulous scoffs like “I hope so,” but this time, it didn’t even cross her mind. She just smiled and looked at Pete happily, “I do.”

**

Myka tugged at one of her curls, frustrated. She scrolled back through the e-mail in front of her for what felt like the fiftieth time that morning. One of her customers, not frequent enough to be a regular, but frequent enough to feel comfortable making _demands_ , had e-mailed her a huge list of requests out of the blue, and mentioned almost casually that she needed them within a week. Myka rolled her eyes, muttering under her breath, “Sure, I can find you twenty fucking completely obscure albums in a week. No goddamn problem. God…” She pulled her notebook closer to her, double checking the list she had made out, making sure she had put each one into the right category of probably availability, even if she called in all her contacts. The list ranged from slightly impossible, practically impossible, and absolutely impossible. She pressed her glasses firmly against the bridge of her nose, this would make for an interesting next couple of days. She pulled up another window on her computer, there were a couple of albums on this list that even _she_ hadn’t heard of. She sighed, apparently this was going to be a starting from absolute scratch sort of album hunt. She clicked the first link that popped up on her search and began reading, quickly so engrossed she barely heard the bell ring over the door. It wasn’t until a pair of elbows plunked against the counter in front of her that she looked up, immediately greeted with a curious smile from Helena, “Good morning darling.”

Myka’s face lit up, “Hey you.”

Helena leaned further over the counter, craning her head around to catch a glimpse at the computer screen, “What exactly has you _so_ engrossed that you didn’t even realize I had walked in? Let alone the fact that it has you working so diligently on a Saturday morning?”

Myka sighed and pushed the handwritten list towards Helena, “This. One of my customers seriously thought it was a good idea to dump this list into my e-mail without even a heads up that it was coming and then has the nerve to request all of them within a week.”

Helena grimaced and pushed the notebook back towards Myka, “Good luck with that darling. I suppose it’s simply the inevitable consequence of everyone in this town knowing your treasure hunter capabilities.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Yeah, well, if it meant avoiding lists like _this_ I would gladly help them _forget_ those capabilities.”

Helena bit back a chuckle and threw an incredulous smirk towards Myka, “Don’t even try and hide the fact that you actually love difficult requests like this.”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, “Yeah…well…I would have at least appreciated a heads up, or a little bit more time, or ya know? Both.”

“I’m sure you’ll rise to the occasion.” Helena leaned back over the counter, this time not paying any attention to the computer, but instead focused clearly on other _things_ demanding her attention. 

Myka smiled softly and leaned in to meet her halfway across the counter, pressing a soft, but certain kiss to Helena’s clearly seeking lips, “Good morning to you too by the way.” Myka glanced down at her watch as they parted, “You’re here early. You easily have another twenty minutes before anyone else wanders in.”

“Yes well, I was much more interested in seeing the people who would _already_ be here this morning.”

Myka couldn’t fight the crooked smile that twisted her lips, the small, extremely unexpected blush that crept into her cheeks, “Giving yourself an early wake up call just to see me, huh? That kind of attention might go to my head.”

“I suppose I’ll take you getting a slightly elevated ego if it means I got to see you before you sneak off this morning.”

Myka gave Helena an inscrutable look, “Your wake up call might have been in vain then, since I was kind of thinking about sticking around this morning.”

Helena couldn’t keep her shock from flying across her face, “You were?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders slightly, “I thought it might be a nice change. I _clearly_ have a ton of work to do, and I’d prefer to do it somewhere where I can, on occasion, steal a quick look at you. The good music doesn’t hurt either.”

Helena shook her head slightly, trying to clear it. She wanted to ask why, she wanted to ask if this was a part of Myka’s effort to move on, but she bit back the questions. Myka had always said she had no desire to be coddled or protected, despite everyone’s propensity to do just that. Helena wasn’t going to question this new step of progress, she was simply going to revel in it, because clearly it was a signal that Myka was completely serious about moving on, moving forward.

Myka eyed Helena carefully, watching her unspoken questions flit across her eyes, the calculations and thoughts she was trying to hide practically screaming off of her. Myka bit back a laugh, “As long as it’s ok with _you_ that I stay down here.”

Helena felt her muscles pull involuntarily into a smirk, “I am wholly in favor of anything that involves me getting to see more of you darling.”

Myka shot Helena a sidelong glance, “Well, I wouldn’t want to be a _distraction_.”

“I happen to welcome your brand of distraction, so I will simply have to manage.”

Myka moved to say something else, but before she could, her eye was drawn towards the door where Claudia was pushing into the store, arms bogged down with five cups of coffee and her guitar. The door slammed shut behind her, and Myka shot Helena a wink, “Apparently you weren’t the only one with the early wake up call idea.”

“I highly doubt Claudia and I’s motivations were the same however.” Helena let out an exasperated sigh at Claudia’s struggling to maneuver through the store. She shot a look at Myka over her shoulder, “I should probably go help her.”

“Probably.”

“You really are staying down here?”

Myka’s eyes turned back towards her computer screen, a smile tugging at her lips, “I’ll be here all morning.”

“Marvelous.” Helena leaned over and pressed another quick peck to Myka’s lips and then turned towards Claudia, “Uh, Claudia darling, why don’t you let me help you with that?”

Myka chuckled as she watched Claudia give an exaggerated eye roll while shouting a sarcastic, “Finally!” at Helena. She sighed and settled back into her work. This felt good. It felt _right_. She knew it wasn’t that big of a step, but it _was_ a step. Engaging more with the four of them when they were rehearsing, not running away from the glaring reality that was the band’s inevitable success, being willing to be more present than usual, to the rest of the world those might not seem like matters of significance, but she knew Helena recognized the gesture. She knew that Helena _knew_ what it meant, and that was really what mattered. As long as Helena could see that she wasn’t going to drag her feet with this, that she wasn’t going to let the time and the space linger, that was all she could ask for at the moment.

**

Pete started out a quiet, slow drum roll on his snare, letting it gain speed and volume as he shouted out, “Alright H.G. what’s it going to be?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You are in quite a mood this morning aren’t you Peter?”

Pete rounded out the drum roll and slammed his sticks against one of his cymbals, “Damn straight. C’mon…we started our _demo_ this week. Myka is down here. We’re all together. I think those are all valid reasons for a good mood.”

Helena smirked and gave him a definitive nod, “Quite right. Righty-ho then, what shall it be?” She shot a quick glance at Myka, offering a secretive smile, “What do we say we have a little fun? Hearken back to when we were just getting started? Since, obviously, we’ve come so far,” she teased. “Is anyone adverse to a little Heart this morning?”

Claudia pulled a face of mock weeping, “Aww, H.G., getting all sentimental on us.”

Pete did another drum roll, then twirled his sticks idly, “I’m all for it. We deserve a little bit of fun this morning, we’ve had a big week. Hit me with a song H.G.”

Helena stole another glance back at Myka, who was determinedly staring at her computer, despite the very obvious smirk tugging at her lips. Helena bit back a chuckle, “How do we all feel about ‘Secret?’”

Claudia let out a low whistle, “You’re testing my skills early this morning, H.G., but that’s why I love you. Let’s do it.”

Helena barely heard Claudia’s response. She was too busy being pulled in by the _look_ Myka was giving her. It was at once incredulous, wanting, and teasing. Helena arched an eyebrow at her, playfully challenging her to say something about the selection, Helena’s very _purposeful_ selection, another song from Myka’s favorite album, another song that Myka would instinctively know and _feel_. Myka just shook her head at her and mouthed quickly, “Swagger,” before turning her eyes back towards her computer, though Helena could tell she wasn’t paying her screen one bit of real attention.

Helena’s attention was pulled back in by Steve rolling his eyes and laughing at Claudia, “As if you would back down from a challenge, Claud. Should I point out that we don’t have a piano for this? Am I the lone voice of reason this morning?”

Helena popped her mic out of its stand and bumped against Steve’s shoulder, “Sadly, I believe so Steven. I think we can manage without the piano…it is _rehearsal_ after all, and Pete has demanded fun. Do you really want to deprive him of it?”

Steve sighed, “No, but I feel the need to point out that you rarely enable him.” He tapped a light beat with his finger against Helena’s nose, “You’re just as guilty of being in a _mood_ this morning.”

Helena gave him a swift wink, “Guilty as charged. But I’m not just in a _mood_ , I’m in a _good_ mood. So let’s play, shall we?”

Steve chuckled and shook his head, “I love you all, but it doesn’t keep me from thinking you’re crazy. Let’s just get it started.”

Helena turned quickly back to Pete, “Why don’t we take this a little faster than usual?”

Pete gave her an exuberant thumbs up, “Just the way I like it. Everybody ready? Here we go.”

Claudia and Pete tied together an improvisation of the beginning, usually reserved for a piano, as Steve had pointed out. Claudia tied it together at the end with a ridiculously complicated guitar riff, then gave a quick nod of her head and a push of the neck of her guitar towards Helena, letting her take the reins, while the rest of them faded out quietly until the chorus.

Helena eyed Myka’s feigned averted eyes and took a deep breath, she knew Myka was paying attention to every inflection, every move. She placed her mic back in the stand and wrapped her fingers tightly around it, eyes shutting involuntarily against the impending lyrics, flashes of her night with Myka, which seemed so long ago racing across her eyelids.

_“We lead two different lives just like two lines that never cross…and here we are together standing closer than we are…but we’re still standing here untouched…too scared to make a move. We want so much to touch and we can’t wait forever…we know it’s dangerous for us to be together.”_

Myka’s eyes fluttered shut, powerless to her efforts to stay open. Helena’s voice seared across her nerves, hot and strong, making her feel near light-headed, drunk on the overwhelming _fire_ of Helena’s voice. She _knew_ Helena did this on purpose, and if anything, she loved her all the more for it. Picking a song off of _Brigade_ , picking a different song as a counterpoint to the one Myka had playing Wednesday night, it was overwhelming and sexy and clearly Helena was trying to make a _point_ , and Myka was fairly certain she knew what that point was. She was _wanted_. And while Helena was willing to give her that time and that space, that didn’t mean she wasn’t _waiting_ and _longing_ for this tentative time between them to be over.

Myka finally willed her eyes to open, because the whole point of being down here was to _watch_ them, to appreciate them, and she couldn’t exactly do that with her eyes closed. She watched as Claudia and Pete continued to battle back and forth over tempo adjustments and improvisations over the medley, while Steve just laughed and shook his head. Helena though wasn’t interested in anything else happening on stage, she only had eyes for Myka.

_“I watch you comin’ to me walking in the pouring rain…I can’t help lookin’ at you wishing I could stay away…so many times I’ve tried in vain…to close and pray…it goes away but I can’t stop myself from feelin’…to let you go would be too much for me to take…”_

Myka let out a shaky breath, there was that undeniable _swagger_ , that haunting, breathtaking _thing_ that only Helena had on stage, where you could just tell exactly what she was thinking, where you could see that she was _feeling_ every word she said. Myka realized she was watching Helena openly, boldly, adamantly proclaim her willingness to never stop fighting for Myka, just like she said she always would. In that moment, Myka could not have been happier that she had stayed downstairs this morning. To think she could have missed this…it was a thought she never wanted to entertain again.

Myka watched as Claudia tore through the guitar solo bridging the verses to the ending, once again awed at the amount of talent she had in her tiny little body. She tried to focus on her, but once again her eyes found Helena, and this time she was met with Helena staring ardently, determinedly back at her. Brown eyes flashing and sparking with something Myka couldn’t quite put into words, so she didn’t try to, she just let Helena’s voice wash over her.

_“Oooo I can’t help thinking when I look into your eyes…how much I need you…it’s so hard to hide…”_

If Myka wasn’t so hopelessly in love with this woman she would have had brain space to focus on how incredible her voice sounded as it vibrated and stretched across the final note, but this morning was simply _not_ a morning for technical admiration. This was about _them_ , pure and simple, and in those few moments of watching Helena watching her, singing to her, Myka felt something settle into her very being that no matter what happened, no matter how hard it might be, she, too, would never stop fighting for this, for them, for Helena.

**

“So how is the frustrating list? Have you wrangled it into submission yet?”

Myka smirked, “Hardly. I must say I didn’t exactly get a whole lot of _work_ done being down here.”

Helena put on a faux innocent face, “Why ever not darling?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Let’s just say I have a tendency to let myself get _distracted_.”

Helena made a small clucking noise with her tongue against her teeth, “You should really work on that.”

“Uh huh. Only if you work on not being so distracting.”

Helena shrugged her shoulders, “Wildly beyond my control, so I suppose you will simply have to grow impervious to my distraction.”

Myka flashed her a coy, teasing smile, “Impossible.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, she could already _see, feel_ the difference in Myka, one that she believed in, one that she recognized as Myka when she was completely unencumbered and open, as Myka before they both had laid all their brokenness out on the table. The playfulness, the casual flirting, the general sense of just being happy, it buoyed her with a sense of hope that they truly were going to turn a corner after the horror of last weekend. It made her believe that Myka had meant what she said, that things were going to change. She ran a light finger along the back of Myka’s hand where it rested on the counter, “So, are you going to continue working or might I possibly persuade you to be free?”

Myka pretended to consider, “Well…Claudia _is_ taking over, but I don’t know…I have so much to do.”

Helena called her bluff, sighing, “Then I suppose I will have to eat lunch pathetically by myself.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I _suppose_ work can wait.”

“Only if it’s not a terrible burden darling.”

“Oh yes, Swagger, you are a _horrible_ burden.”

Helena chuckled, “Seriously, can I take you to lunch?”

Myka leaned over the counter and left a lingering kiss against Helena’s slightly parted lips, “Absolutely. Just let me go grab my stuff.”

When Myka came back downstairs, she found Claudia hunched over a notebook, while Helena leaned back against the counter, looking like she couldn’t decide if she was uncomfortable or pleased. Myka paused at the edge of one of the aisles, uncertain if she wanted to interrupt, since neither of them had realized she was standing there.

Myka watched as Claudia turned to Helena with a face that could give a kid in a candy store a run for their money, squealing, “H.G.! This is _insane_! Please tell me you are showing me this because you want me to start working on music for it. Please, please, please.”

Helena gave a half smile and ran a hand through her hair, “I was mostly looking for your opinion. I can’t tell if it’s ready, or if it sounds right. I don’t know,” Helena made a grab for the notebook but Claudia slapped her hand away.

“Oh no you don’t! You don’t get to show me this and then take it away. You are not that mean. No, I am going into the office and making a copy of this and I am going to work on it immediately.”

“It’s not that good Claudia.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “Ok, you’ve clearly lost your mind. So I’m taking this now and starting to ignore you. I will let you know when I have something.”

Myka watched as Claudia bounded into the office, letting out another squeal, while Helena slouched further against the counter, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. Myka slid silently next to her, bumping lightly against her shoulder, “What was that all about?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “That was me making the catastrophic mistake of showing Claudia the contents of my notebook.”

“From the sounds of her reaction, it didn’t seem like a catastrophic mistake.”

Helena shook her head, “I should have left it alone, kept it to myself, she’ll never let it go now.”

“And this is a problem because…?”

Helena sighed heavily, “It’s not, I just…”

Myka couldn’t help chuckling, “Wow what exactly is this song about that you are this fidgety about it?”

Helena simply gave Myka a _look_ accompanied by a very distinctive arched eyebrow.

Myka felt the realization dawning across her face, immediately followed by a blush and a smirk. She bit back the teasing comment that was at the tip of her tongue. If Helena looked this bashfully embarrassed, she wasn’t going to push the issue even further, “I thought you were taking me to lunch.”

Helena gave her a scrutinizing look, “I am…”

“Then let’s go.”

“You’re really just going to let this go? No teasing? No commentary about the fact that Claudia is currently in possession of my notebook which contains a song that is clearly about you?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “Nope. Your song, your decision about sharing it.”

Helena just eyed Myka carefully, as Claudia bounced back out of the office and tossed the notebook back to her across the counter. She caught it gracelessly and shoved it into her purse. She rolled her eyes and tucked her hand into Myka’s, “So, lunch?”

**

“So…I never actually got to ask you, how was Ethan’s party?”

Myka smiled around her spoonful of soup. She could have kissed Helena for the overwhelming sense of normalcy that was hovering around them. There weren’t the usual, post-fight hesitations or lingering questions. Helena just seemed to _understand_ where they were, and it eased Myka’s mind to know that they weren’t going to spend all their time together debating definitions and boundaries and what was or was not ok. She tucked a careful foot against Helena’s ankle under the table, “My father’s behavior notwithstanding, it was nice…crazy…but nice, I mean three hours of a flock of four year olds running around gets a little wild.”

Helena laughed lightly, “I can well imagine. How did Tracy manage that?”

“Surprisingly well. By the end of the day, I think she was just happy as long as everyone left in one piece.”

“Always the sign of a successful party…at least for children. I suppose an adult party might be considered a success if a few people leave with some battle scars.”

Myka gave Helena a mock glare, “Remind me never to go to any parties with you if that’s your barometer for success.”

“I refuse to hold you to that reminder. So, how much trouble did you get in for the amount of presents you bought that boy?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “A moderate amount. It helped that I brought Tracy a present too, tamped down the anger about spoiling him. I think if I spoil her too, she doesn’t mind.”

“Myka Bering, you try and pretend like you and your sister are always near at odds, and then you reveal you _spoil_ her. Whatever am I going to do with you?”

“I am a constant well of surprises.”

“That you are. Any other excitement from the party? How was your mom?”

Myka smiled contentedly. She couldn’t quite explain why, but Helena asking about her family, with genuine care, filled her with a strange kind of warmth. She ran her foot lightly against Helena’s ankle, it was enough of a touch to be recognized, but not enough to be _too much_ , “She was good. A little annoyed with me that I didn’t bring you along actually. I think she might be starting to like you more than me.”

Helena acknowledged Myka’s mild flirtation, flashing her a coy smile and linking their fingers together, “Well I am terribly charming, darling.”

“That is true, and my mother is a sucker for charm. I’m not sure I’ll be allowed into the next family party without you though, so be prepared.”

“I shall keep my calendar open.”

Myka gave Helena’s hand a light squeeze, “So, tell me, first time in a recording studio this week. How’d that go?”

Helena felt like she should be mildly surprised by the question, but something about this, about them in this moment, about how comfortable Myka seemed, she found the surprise wasn’t there. She was simply filled with a deep sense of contentment, “It was overwhelming if I’m being perfectly honest. I mean I knew it wouldn’t be easy or simple, but I had no idea that it would be so _involved_.”

“Demos tend to make people crazy. The managers want it to be perfect. The producers don’t want to play it safe. The musicians just want it to be _over_ , all the while hoping that their image and sound isn’t completely destroyed by the end.”

“That about sums it up.”

“How did you guys feel about Kelly? Do you think that’s going to work out?”

Helena gave a slow, considerate nod, “I think so. She had some fantastic ideas, and she made just enough changes to feel helpful, but not so many that we felt like we were being ignored. She seems to fit in fairly well, we all get along, at least from what we can tell, so I think we’re on the right path. She, Claudia, and Pete seem to share a very similar sense of humor, which was… _interesting_.”

Myka rolled her eyes and groaned, “God, good luck with that.”

“Indeed. Anyway, we still have a little bit of work to do. We have another session next week, but we should be done soon. Speaking of which, I meant to ask you, do you know this producer, Fargo?”

“No actually. Must be new in town. Any good?”

“Freakishly good. He’s like the male equivalent of Claudia, which was slightly disconcerting.”

“And here I was thinking that Claudia was one of a kind.”

Helena smirked, “Yes, well apparently not. Regardless, whatever he did really worked. From what we’ve heard, it sounds really good.”

“Sounds like you guys are well on your way. How many songs are you guys going with?”

“Three. Kelly had originally thought four, but decided that the three we had were solid enough that we didn’t need to go too far.”

“Three is good. It’s enough to show what you guys have, but it doesn’t quite put all your cards on the table. So…do I get to know the track list or is it a secret?”

“Not a secret, at least not from you.” Helena ticked each song off on one of her fingers, “‘Hum Hallelujah.’”

Myka nodded, “Good solid choice. Shows you and Claudia’s writing abilities, it highlights each of you really well. Plus, if you ask me, it’s just an all around badass song, but I think I’m slightly biased on that front.”

Helena chuckled, “Indeed.” She ticked off another finger, “‘Last Hope’ which was the…”

“Post-Christmas song, I know,” Myka smirked. 

“Yes, well…I tried to push for something else…”

Myka gave her a quizzical, stunned look, “Why? Helena that song is incredible. Don’t get me started or we will be here all day. That song needed to be on your demo. Trust me. Plus, it helps to show a counterbalance to your harder stuff, it’s a bit softer, it has a bit less edge. It’s a good choice Swagger. Stop trying to downplay your own talent, it makes me question your nickname.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “And we can’t possibly have that now can we?”

“Never,” Myka winked. “So what’s the last one?”

“One you actually haven’t heard yet oddly. It’s fairly new. Claudia and I just finished it last week, so we still have some kinks to work out. That will be what we’re recording next week.”

“Well, that all sounds good to me, if that counts for anything. Before you know it record labels are going to be pounding down the door to sign you guys.”

Helena sighed, “We shall see. I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”

Myka gave her hand another squeeze, “Then I will keep them up for you. It’s going to happen, Helena. Trust me.”

They finished their lunch in relative, comfortable ease. As Helena walked Myka back towards the store, she playfully swung their entwined hands between them. She felt good. She felt like her life was returning to some semblance of balance and hope, and if the look on Myka’s face was any indication, she felt that too. They paused outside the Warehouse door, Myka toying with Helena’s fingers, “I suppose I need to drag myself back to work for a little bit this afternoon.”

“Probably would be a good idea. Can’t let your customers think you’re slacking off on them, darling.”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth and she started fidgeting from foot to foot, her eyes darting away from Helena as she asked the question she had been waiting to ask, “What is the probability you’d be up for a run tomorrow night?”

Helena gave her a slightly confused look, then chuckled, “I suppose if you’re the one asking, I could probably persuade myself to be up for it. Any particular reason?”

“Let’s just say I have a feeling Sunday dinner isn’t going to go particularly well, and I think if I knew I was going to see you after I might be able to survive it a bit better.”

Helena bit back a small smirk, leaning in to press a light kiss to Myka’s chilled lips, “How can I refuse you when you ask like that?”

Myka leaned back in for another kiss, “I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t be able to, hence why I asked.”

“Call me whenever you’re home and I’ll meet you at the gym.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Helena sighed, tugging Myka closer, pressing another kiss against her lips, “I suppose I need to let you get back to work.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, probably,” Myka ran light fingertips over Helena’s cheeks, kissing her one last time, “but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Indeed. Good luck with dinner darling.”

Myka laughed lightly, “I’m having a very deep sense of déjà vu right now.”

Helena smiled and tucked a quick peck to Myka’s cheek, “Hopefully that good luck kiss works better than the last one. Good-bye Sleepy.”

“Bye Swagger.”

Myka leaned back against the door of the Warehouse as she watched Helena climb into her car. She had meant what she said, knowing she would see Helena after dinner tomorrow _would_ help, but she knew it wouldn’t make what she had to say to her father any easier. However, she knew what she had to do and she knew what she wanted to say, and as she watched Helena drive away she realized she had never been so sure of the next step she needed to take. She already felt better, she felt good, she almost felt _different_ , and she hoped that feeling would only increase after tomorrow night. In passing she wondered if this was what putting up a fight felt like, and if it was, she didn’t know why she hadn’t started sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to toss out there, since we are officially halfway through this little adventure, a huge thanks to everyone for reading, for commenting, all that marvelous stuff. It's appreciated and I hope you guys feel like the angst is nearing an end.


	13. I Won't Give Up/Chasing Cars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The maybe not so obvious, but sometimes lingering affects of words like time and space. Myka makes some decisions that she hopes will make a difference...at some point...
> 
> Oh and Leena! appears...Pete does some crazy Pete things...Liam's album drops...and other insanity ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! Ok, I'm really, really sorry this chapter has taken so long. Part of me wants to blame it on my computer's slow, painful death, however, the reality is, this chapter took a lot of unexpected twists and turns and I spent more time being frustrated with it, than happy with it, so it took awhile. Ultimately, it went in a little bit of a different direction than planned, and thus, it took far too long to get this update ready. I do want to make sure I give a huge shout out of thanks to @kellsbells for making me think a little bit more about Helena's overall reaction to things...it helped...a lot!
> 
> This chapter picks up pretty much after 12. The Sunday Myka asked Helena if they could run after dinner. Music for this chapter comes courtesy of Jason Mraz and Snow Patrol

13\. I Won’t Give Up/Chasing Cars

“Mom…I feel like I need to give you a bit of a heads up about something,” Myka couldn’t quite meet her mother’s eye as she handed her a freshly washed plate to dry.

Jeannie took the plate with little acknowledgement, other than a barely noticeable nod of her head, “This was our last Sunday night dinner wasn’t it?”

Myka’s muscles froze immediately, hand poised in midair, sponge dripping soapy water into the sink, her fingers barely responsive enough to hold onto the glass in her hand. She turned pained, yet shocked eyes to her mother, who simply continued to dry the slowly accumulating dishes. Myka squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the odd near onslaught of tears pushing against them, “How on _earth_ did you know that was what I was going to say?”

Jeannie placed another plate in the cupboard next to the sink, then sighed deeply and moved to rest against the counter, eyes intent upon her still immobile daughter, “I talked to your sister. She told me about what happened last weekend, after the party, with you and Helena.”

Myka’s tears immediately halted around an eye roll as she resumed her washing of their dishes, “God bless Tracy…”

Jeannie scoffed lightly, “Give your sister a break, Myka. I’m your mother, I knew something was going on when I didn’t hear from you for _days_ , and then when I did, you barely mentioned Helena. I talked to Tracy last night, and I _might_ have mentioned that you seemed a little off, and she sort of let it slip that you and Helena had had a fight.”

Myka finished washing the glass in her hands, set it in the drying rack, then dried off her hands and pushed herself up onto the counter, despite her mother’s incredulous look indicating her displeasure with that choice of movement. Myka ignored the look and idly starting picking at the edge of the counter, “And how exactly did you jump from Helena and I having a fight to me telling you that Sunday night dinners were no longer on the table?”

“I realized…once I allowed myself to think about what happened last weekend, that it was highly probable that what your father said to you might have had something to do with whatever happened with you and Helena, and then when I saw you walk in tonight, I could just _tell_. You seemed different. You seemed _sure_ of something, and it all just clicked.”

Myka finally allowed herself to meet her mother’s eye, “I’m sorry Mom.”

Jeannie waved her hands dismissively, “ _You_ , darling daughter, having nothing to apologize for.” The smile that was slowly tugging at Jeannie’s lips disappeared, to be replaced with a look of remorse that made Myka’s stomach turn awkwardly. When Jeannie’s gaze met Myka’s, Myka’s breath hitched at the sight of the tears in her mother’s eyes, “If anyone owes anyone an apology in this situation, Myka, it is me.”

Myka hopped down off the counter, closing the gap between them easily across the small kitchen, her hands immediately grasping her mother’s, “Mom, no. Do not put this on yourself. This, me and dad, it has _nothing_ to do with you.”

Jeannie took in a halting breath, her voice coming out in a hardened, steeled way Myka wasn’t sure she’d ever heard before, “Of course it does Myka. It always has because I’ve been the one standing in the middle of it, and I have done absolutely nothing. I have watched you two battle back and forth, I have heard the things your father has said to you, and what have I done? I have made you come here week in and week out, drag yourself through dinner, force the two of you to try and at least be _neutral_ with each other, despite knowing that it was most likely doing more harm than good. _Knowing_ that it might end up hurting you in the long run.”

Myka sighed, hand dragging through her curls, tugging slightly, “You were doing what you thought you should. You were trying to keep this family from falling apart at the seams. I can’t really blame you for that.”

“Well, you should. I know I blame myself. Saturday night when we got home, I just laid awake thinking about all the things I should have been saying to your father, instead of letting him just sleep. All the things I should have said the _endless_ number of times this has happened. I never should have let it get this far, I should have defended you more, rather than just sitting on the sidelines hoping you two would figure it out eventually on your own.”

Myka took her glasses off and pinched tightly at the bridge of her nose. She hadn’t really anticipated her evening including an airing of all of mother’s guilt, but it seemed she was powerless to stop it. She put her glasses back on slowly, “Mom, you never should have been in the position of having to choose sides. I’m not going to sit here and let you beat yourself up and try and take some of _his_ issues on yourself. Please, listen to me when I say that I do not blame you for any of this, and I never have. I blame him, _only_ him. And the thing is, if you hadn’t pushed this, for us to see each other, especially early on, who knows what would have happened? But I don’t think it’s that far of a stretch to think that I wouldn’t have seen _you_ all that much either and that is unacceptable to me. If putting up with him has meant that you and I still got to have a relatively normal relationship, well…that’s enough for me.”

Jeannie turned glistening eyes up to meet Myka’s determined, glinting green ones, the perfect mirrors of her father’s, though Warren’s never shone quite like Myka’s. She pressed a light palm to Myka’s cheek, “My Myka…you have deserved so much better than this. You have deserved two parents who are proud of you and supportive and want nothing but the best for you. I hate that you haven’t had that.”

Myka smiled softly and leaned into her mother’s touch, “You have more than made up for his deficiencies in that area. Trust me. Please, Mom, I am begging you, do not do this to yourself. This isn’t what I wanted…at all. I just wanted to tell you, before…well…before I talk to him.”

Jeannie nodded and wiped idly at her cheeks, “I appreciate that, but Myka…just…just tell me one thing.” Myka arched an eyebrow at her mother, encouraging whatever question was coming next. Jeannie sighed, “Tell me that you and Helena are alright.”

Myka tried to school her features, but she felt them pulling and tugging in all the ways that would only worry her mother. She heard Jeannie’s sharp intake of breath, but rushed to words before her mother could launch herself off of whatever cliff she was hurtling towards, “Mom…just wait a second. We’re ok. We aren’t great, but we’re ok. Things got a little…difficult this week, for a lot of reasons that I don’t feel like getting into, but we’re still together, we’re just _working_ on some things.”

“Thus bringing us full circle to the conversation you’re about to go have with your father. Because let me guess? Some of the things you’re working on is how difficult he has made this for you?”

Myka chuckled lightly, “You know me, you know _us_ apparently, far too well. This, tonight, is a step in the right direction, yes. _But_ I don’t want you thinking that Helena has demanded this of me or something like that. It’s just that what happened between us made me realize that if I really want to be in this relationship, I owe it to her to deal with some things first.”

Jeannie sighed and tilted her head back, a soft puff of laughter chasing her breath, “I knew from the moment that I saw you two together, that day when you first brought her here…I said to myself, ‘this woman might just change everything.’ I think I was right.”

Myka eyed her mother carefully, “I hope you thought that in a _good_ way.”

Jeannie gave Myka a scrutinizing look, “Do you remember what I said to you that day? Before you two left?”

Myka’s mind drifted back quickly, her laughter following the memory, “You asked me if I was aware that I was in love with her.”

“That I did, and Myka when you told me that we were _well aware_ of that fact…I wish I could tell you how I felt in that moment. I wish you could feel how happy I was that you had found her. I think that says my thoughts were _definitely_ of the good variety.”

“Yeah, well, if I thought I was in love with her _then_ , I’m not sure there are words for where we’re at now.”

Jeannie smiled a soft smile that Myka realized she only saw on rare, near momentous occasions in her life, “Then, my darling girl, you need to go talk to your father because it is high time that not a damn thing stood in the way of your happiness.”

Myka didn’t know what to say, so she just wrapped tight arms around Jeannie’s shoulders and squeezed her tightly, whispering a soft, “Thank you,” against her cheek.

Jeannie released her slowly, hand returning to her cheek again, “My Myka…”

Myka took a deep breath, “Well, I suppose there’s no time like the present…” She turned her feet towards the hallway and her father’s office, but before she could go two steps, she turned back around, “Oh, Mom, one other thing.”

Jeannie had already resumed her station at the sink, drying a glass distractedly. She turned her gaze to Myka, “What’s that my dear girl?”

“I was thinking, just because Sundays are kind of off the table now, that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t have a weekly date. Maybe lunch? I’m off on Thursdays and I hoped maybe that could…”

“I will see you Thursday then,” Jeannie smiled serenely. “Just call me and tell me where, I’ll be there.”

Myka smiled another quick smile at her mom, and took another deep breath, at least at the end of the day, she had her mom. She hoped that that thought alone would be enough to steel her through the conversation she was barreling towards next.

**

Her steps stalled outside the door to her father’s office, closed up tight, nothing greeting her ears except the light scratching of her father’s pen pressed against what she assumed was an order form. She shut her eyes, telling herself she got one moment of pause. She let an image of Helena float across her mind, allowing it to fill her, to give her strength. She took a deep breath, then knocked softly but firmly against the door.

Her father’s gruff baritone carried through the door, “What is it Jeannie?”

Myka rolled her eyes, of course he wouldn’t think _she_ would be outside the door. She twisted the knob and stepped into her father’s dimly lit office, “It’s not Mom.”

Warren gave Myka a passing, scrutinizing glance before returning his attention to the paperwork on his desk, “What is it Ophelia? I have a lot of work to prep for this week.”

Myka knew he was trying to blow her off, to ignore her very presence in this the sacred space of his office, but for once she was having none of it. She was not going to let him back out of this conversation, no matter how hard he tried. She sighed and moved to grip her hands against the back of one of the chairs in front of the desk, “I appreciate that you’re busy, Dad. You forget I _know_ what it takes to get a business ready for a new week.” She sucked in a breath, being passive aggressive was _not_ going to help the situation. She closed her eyes for a brief moment before continuing, “Dad, I would really appreciate it if we could talk for a few minutes.”

She watched as he rolled his eyes and pushed his glasses up his forehead, gesturing exaggeratedly to one of the chairs, “Then sit down and talk, Ophelia.”

Myka had the distinct, passing question of if this was what it felt like to be called to the principle’s office, but quickly reminded herself that _she_ was the one desiring this conversation not her father. She crossed her legs intently, “I wanted to tell you that I’m not coming for Sunday dinners anymore.”

She thought she saw a tiny flicker of curiosity pass across her dad’s face, but it was gone too quickly to be sure. He shrugged his shoulders, “I never quite understood why your mother insisted on them anyway, so I guess that’s fine by me.”

“Fine by you or not, you need to know _why_ I’m putting an end to them.”

Warren looked idly at the paperwork on his desk, sighing, “Please Ophelia, if this is going to be some melodramatic speech about you and I, about what happened at Ethan’s party, I really don’t want to hear it. We’ve had this conversation enough over the years, I’m pretty sure I know how it goes.”

Myka bit down on the inside of her lip. She had been expecting this, and she had been expecting her instinct to bail on the conversation before it truly started to kick in, she had to fight it off. She took a deep breath, her inner monologue taking up a steady mantra of, “ _Helena, Helena, Helena._ ” She gave her father a pointed look, “Well, whether you want to hear it or not, it’s happening, and I guarantee you have _no damn clue_ how this conversation is going to go.”

“ _Ophelia_ ,” his tone was a warning, a warning most likely against her language, her tone, her posture, her _everything_.

“No, Dad, just drop the tone, and drop all the ‘ _Ophelia’s_.’ It’s not going to work this time. You are going to listen to what I have to say, you at least owe me that.”

Myka watched as anger flew across his face like a shot, “I _owe_ you that? I owe you _nothing_ , Ophelia. After what you have put me through with this store, with this family’s legacy, with the decisions you have made, I don’t owe you anything.”

“You go ahead and think that, however, unless you intend on simply walking out on me, which I’m sure Mom would absolutely _love_ , I think you’ll at least let me say what I need to say.”

The shot about her mother worked, she knew it would. Her father was many things, but he was not a man to run up against his wife. She watched his shoulders sag in defeat, “Just say what you came in here to say so I can get back to work.”

Myka fought back an eye roll, she hated that the only word she could think of for her father in this moment was _insufferable_. She made a mental note to _never_ tell Helena that that word held any amount of connotation with her father in her mind. She took one last deep breath, “I’m not coming to dinner anymore, because after Ethan’s party I came extremely close, _too close_ , to losing arguably the best thing to happen to me in a really long time.”

Warren let out a scoff, “Let me guess… _the singer_.”

“ _Helena_. I almost lost her, and that happened for a lot of reasons that are absolutely on me, and I own that, but it also almost happened because for so long I have been living my life trying to be the person you think I should be.”

“Oh please, you don’t give a damn what I think about your life, about who I think you should be.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “God you really don’t pay attention do you? If you allowed yourself to think rationally about it for a few minutes, you would realize that I have listened far too well to every single thing that you have ever said to me. I have let them sink into my mind, and sure I’ve risen above a few of them, but others…others have left their mark. They left their mark last weekend. Comparing Helena to Sam, Jesus, bringing up Sam in the first place. You think I don’t care, that I just let whatever you say roll off my back, but I don’t, and I wish you could see how much damage that has caused.”

“I’m sure, Ophelia. All that _damage_. Aren’t you the one always pointing out that you _love_ your life. That you love your store and your job and you have friends who support you and now you have this woman. Doesn’t sound all that damaged to me.”

“I don’t expect you to see it. I don’t expect you to give two seconds of thought to the fact that maybe some days I have to fight to remind myself that I am not the disappointment you think I am, to remind myself that you’re damn right, my life _is_ good. You would never think it was remotely possible that I have to work so hard every single goddamn day to keep myself from seeing myself how you see me.”

Warren’s voice scratched against the back of his throat as his tone rose, “How am I supposed to see you? You abandoned the plan your mother and I hoped for. You don’t give a damn that this store will probably close without us. Tell me, Ophelia, please, why it was so awful of me to want that life for you? Why am I some monster because I expected something more from your life, from who you could be? Why am I the bad guy for having hopes for you?”

Myka’s voice exploded from her before she could reign it in, “Because you refused to see that _your_ hopes weren’t _my_ hopes! You refused to recognize that maybe that kind of pressure can fuck a kid up. You refused to accept that maybe I had a different path in front of me, so instead you let yourself miss my entire life at this point. My life that, _yes_ , is pretty damn good. But you know what? It would have been nice if my father would have at least given some sort of interest in the life his daughter was building. _Maybe_ you could have thought about the fact that a couple of gold records, a business that she owns completely on her own, and a modicum of happiness _is_ something to be proud of. But no, all you could see is everything I _wasn’t_ , all you could see was the disappointment you felt at the fact that I didn’t do every single thing you wanted, that I decided to live my own life. And frankly? I’m done justifying that to you. I’m done trying to make you see what I’ve made of myself. I’m 28 years old and I’ve spent way too many of those years trying to make you proud, to undo all this disappointment, but I finally see, I finally _accept_ that I can’t, and I can finally say I do not give a damn.”

Warren slapped a quick hand on his desk, “How can I be proud when I’ve had to sit here and watch all the ways you have thrown the life we built for you away? The ways you’ve given in to this town, and all of the ridiculous things people here do all for the sake of money and a little bit of fame? When I have had to watch you let people, yes, like Sam and _Helena_ , into your life despite the fact that they are in a business, if you can call it that, filled with self-centered people who are only interested in making money and becoming famous, regardless of what it does to the people around them. You let Sam do these terrible things to you, and then you act like you’re still heartbroken that he’s not here anymore.”

Myka gritted her teeth, “ _Hold on one goddamn second_. I’m not going to let you sit there and go at me about Sam or about Helena. And excuse me, but _how dare you_ insinuate that I _let_ Sam do anything to me. And I swear to God, if you ever bring up Sam’s being gone to me one more time, you will not see me again. His _dying_ is not ammunition for you. You see this is exactly what is not going to happen anymore. You don’t get to say things like that to me anymore.”

“That’s not what I meant, Ophelia.”

Myka held up a thankfully steady hand to stop him, “I don’t care what you did or did not mean, Dad. That, more than anything is what I’m here to say. For so long, I have cared _way too much_ about what you thought, but I can’t anymore. And you know what, maybe that means you won’t want to see me, and you don’t have to. If that’s how this will work, fine. We will figure that out, but I am so entirely _done_ with letting you influence my happiness.”

Warren gave her a critical look, a small smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, “You know what, Ophelia? That’s fine. Because this is the exact same conversation we had at your graduation and after you told me you weren’t interested in running the store. This, all of these _dramatics_ , they are no different from all those other times. So sure, get this off your chest, I’m sure I’ll see you next Sunday.”

“And that is where you are so blind, Dad, because you don’t see that this time _is_ different. You haven’t noticed that in the last four months, _I’ve_ been different. You haven’t noticed that I’ve finally found something I’m unwilling to lose, even if that means losing you.”

Warren scoffed, “Sure. Fine. _This time is different_ , but it won’t be when this little fling you’ve got going with this woman is over, and you realize she is no different from the rest of them.”

Myka gave a soft, incredulous smile, a tiny puff of indignant laughter leaving her nostrils, “By all means, tell yourself that. Keep refusing to see what’s right in front of you, and I could not careless if you believe it or not, but this thing with Helena? It isn’t a fling. It isn’t something that’s just going to go away. Not that you give a shit, but I love her, and it’s your choice whether you miss out on what happens in my life because of the fact that I’ve _finally_ found someone who makes me happy.”

Warren shook his head in disbelief, “Oh I’m sure I’ll miss _so much_. Miss you getting your heart broken again.”

“Again, tell yourself that. But one day, _Dad_ , you are going to wake up and realize that you’ve missed out on your daughter’s life. That you’ve missed out on, hell, I don’t know, marriages and, Jesus, maybe even grandkids.” Inwardly, Myka noticed that her stomach _didn’t_ clench or twist awkwardly with worry at the thought of those things. She realized, when she thought of Helena, that was where her mind had just started _going_ , to their _future_ , a future that was big and bright and _full_. Full of things she had never really anticipated wanting again. She realized powerfully, _strongly_ , just how much she wanted that. She realized that she _knew_ what she wanted their future to look like, it didn’t matter how long they’d been together, a part of her had _known_ from the very beginning that any future she wanted would be with Helena.

Warren gave a derisive scoff, “ _Marriage, grandkids_? You’ve known this woman since what? October?”

“Mom told me once that she knew after your first date that you were the man she’d marry. So do you really want to pull on that string?”

Warren waved his hands dismissively, “That was different. This? You and this _singer_. This _woman_. This is not that.”

Myka rested her hands lightly on the arms of the chair, “And because that is what you think, and because I know now more than ever that _nothing_ I say or do will ever change that, I’m pretty sure we’re done here. And I think that sentence covers far more than just this conversation.” Myka stood up, not giving another, even passing glance at her father, and walked out the door, letting it snap shut firmly, strongly behind her.

**

Myka peeked into the living room where her mother was reclined in one of the chairs, glasses halfway down her nose, book buried in her lap, causing a small chuckle to rise up in Myka’s throat; she felt like she was getting a glimpse of her future. Jeannie looked up from her book at Myka’s soft laughter, “What’s so funny dear daughter?”

“Oh nothing, just wondering if I stepped into a time machine and am seeing myself in forty years is all.”

Jeannie smirked and pushed her glasses up onto her head, “Is the view really all that bad?”

Myka shook her head, “Not at all.” She strode over to her mother’s chair and sat carefully on the arm of it, “What are you reading?”

Jeannie flipped the book back to its cover, “Just revisiting a little Jane Austen is all.”

Myka smiled softly, “You and your ‘Pride and Prejudice.’” 

“Every winter. Do not mock my traditions.”

Myka raised her hands in calm surrender, “No mocking here.”

Jeannie eyed her carefully, placing her bookmark delicately at her spot, “So, how did that go?” She gestured towards Warren’s study.

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “About as you would expect. We’re never going to see eye to eye on any of this. It’s exhausting just talking in circles.”

“Are you alright?”

Myka paused and considered, “I am. I mean, it’s not like this is _easy_ , but at this point, he hasn’t really given me much of a choice. I have to start doing what I need to do to be happy. I can’t let him keep standing in the way of that.”

“And Helena makes you happy…”

Myka wasn’t sure if it was a statement or a question, “She does. Mom, this is the happiest I can remember being in a long time, and that’s all her.”

Jeannie smiled softly, “Then I am happy for you, and I think you’ve made the right decision. I won’t pretend that all of this won’t take some adjustment, and I’m sure your father will be in a _mood_ for awhile, but I want you to be happy Myka, and if this is what it takes for that to happen then so be it.”

“I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this…”

Jeannie waved a dismissive hand, “Don’t you worry about me. I can handle your father, and as long as you were serious about those Thursday lunches, I think I’ll be quite content.”

Myka smiled and placed a small kiss to her mother’s head, “I was completely serious.”

“Good.” Jeannie paused, Myka _did_ look happy, content even, something that was a rarity after a conversation with her father. She sighed, “Myka…is everything really going to be ok with you and Helena?”

Myka took a deep breath, “I think so. I mean…right now? Things are a little tough, but I really think we’ll get through it. In fact,” she glanced down at her watch, “I’m supposed to see her tonight, so I would say that’s a sign of good things to come.”

Jeannie patted Myka’s knee with a smile, “Well then, I will not keep you. Go see that girl. Have a good time.”

“Thanks Mom, for everything,” Myka placed another kiss to her mother’s cheek, and collected her coat.

“No thanks necessary my darling girl. You’re my daughter…”

Myka gave her mother one last quick smile and wave before heading downstairs, “I’ll see you Thursday.”

**

“So that’s it? Just like that, everything is ok?” Claudia gave Helena an incredulous look as she pulled another piece of pizza from the box.

Helena rolled her eyes, “I wouldn’t call three hours of talking on top of the very public shouting match ‘just like that,’ but yes, generally we’re ok.”

Claudia gave a low whistle, “You are a better woman than me H.G. because there would have been a _hell of a lot_ more yelling if I’d been in your shoes.”

“Claud…” Leena kicked at Claudia’s shin underneath Helena’s coffee table, her tone a warning that Claudia shouldn’t push.

Claudia scoffed laughingly, “Oh come on Leena. Tell me you don’t agree with me at least a little bit.”

Leena sighed, she hadn’t spent that much time with Claudia and Helena, only recently had they all made the connection that they knew each other. Leena knew Helena from the Regents and their building, she knew Claudia from a few shared classes, but it had taken far longer than it should have for all of them to realize that they had so many shared relationships. It wasn’t until Claudia had mentioned Helena after class one day that Leena had put two and two together, and after that they had tried to make weekly dinners a fairly consistent thing. Still, no matter how much time they had spent together, Leena didn’t feel like it was her place to pry, especially not into Helena’s relationship with Myka, someone Leena only knew in passing from the Regents and from her few trips to The Warehouse. Leena gave Claudia a scrutinizing look that she hoped conveyed her frustration at being dragged into the conversation, “It’s not really my place to say what I think. It’s Myka and H.G.’s relationship and if she says they’re ok, then that’s all I need to hear.”

Helena nodded firmly, “Thank you Leena.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “Way to leave me hanging out here by myself Leena. I’m serious though H.G., look me in the eye and tell me that you are one hundred percent ok with all of this. Have you forgotten that I sat in this very apartment with you last week and listened to you rant and rave and cry about our dear Myka, and now after one conversation all of that is gone?”

Helena groaned and pulled her hair back from her shoulders, “Give me a break Claud. You know it’s not that simple.”

“But you’re trying to make it _sound_ simple. So tell me, are you ok?”

“I am, relatively. I mean, of course, I’m still upset about how all of this happened, but I also know that I trust Myka, and I don’t want to make this harder than it already has been. I told you…we’re taking some time and some space just to make sure we have all of this figured out.”

Leena grimaced but couldn’t stop her words, “And how exactly has that been working out for you?”

Helena arched a surprised brow at Leena, “Don’t tell me you’re abandoning me for this one’s side of things,” she gestured towards Claudia.

Leena laughed softly, “No, but didn’t you say that you guys had lunch yesterday and now you’re seeing her tonight? That doesn’t really sound like a lot of time or space to me.”

“We’re still figuring out how it’s going to work, and tonight…tonight is different. I know Myka, if she asked to see me tonight, it’s because of something with her father. I’m not going to just bail on her because we’ve set up these boundaries.”

Claudia nudged against Helena’s shoulder, she could tell she was tensing up, feeling ganged up on, and that wasn’t Claudia’s intention. She just wanted to make sure that Helena was actually taking care of _herself_ in all of this, rather than just worrying about Myka’s needs and forgetting about her own, “Neither of us is saying you should bail on her H.G. But maybe, it wouldn’t hurt to think about using this whole time and space thing for yourself too. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself space to deal. By all means, give Myka what she needs, but don’t forget that you might need that too.”

Helena gave Claudia an inscrutable look and opened her mouth like she was gearing up to argue, but Leena stepped in quickly, “I think what Claudia is trying to say, H.G., is that you don’t have to act like you’re ok. If Myka has said she needs this time, then she probably thinks you need it too. I can’t imagine she’s expecting you to just go back to being perfectly fine right off the bat. Give yourself the _time_ and the _space_ to deal with your own frustration.”

Helena sighed, “I know…I just don’t want to make this harder than it already is.”

Claudia gave Helena’s hand a light squeeze, “Myka is _not_ going to be mad at you for still being hurt. She’ll understand. She’ll get that you both need this.”

At that exact moment Helena’s phone vibrated against the table. She smiled softly, “Speak of the devil.” She flicked open her screen.

_“Hey…I’m just leaving my parents, but I need to head back to my place for a bit. See you in maybe an hour?”_

Helena eyed Claudia and Leena carefully, causing Leena to chuckle, “H.G., tell her you’ll see her soon. Neither of us is going to keep you from meeting her, so stop looking at us like that.”

Helena rolled her eyes, but offered Leena a grateful smile.

_“An hour works for me. I’m just wrapping up dinner myself…I might require more of a light jog rather than a run.”_

_“Ooo hot dinner plans huh?”_

_“Oh yes, Claudia and Leena sitting on my floor eating pizza…very clandestine and romantic.”_

_“Hey it works for some people ;-) Ok…I’ll see you in a bit…and yes we can totally jog…hell we can walk if you want.”_

_“We can figure it out when we get there. I’ll see you in a bit darling.”_

_“See you in a bit. Drive safe.”_

Claudia gave Helena a goofy smile, “Oh you so totally have the Myka face right now.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I do not even want to know what you are talking about.”

“It’s adorable…you get all dreamy eyed and smiley”

Leena chuckled, “I’ve totally seen that look when I’ve seen you talking to her at work.”

“Ok…I do believe that is sufficient embarrassment for _one_ evening,” Helena grumbled.

Claudia stood, gathering their plates, lightly ruffling Helena’s hair as she walked by, “Oh we’re just messing with you H.G. You two are pathetically adorable.”

Claudia and Leena gathered their things, quickly deciding to head to Leena’s apartment in order to get in a bit more studying for an exam they had that week. Leena gave Helena a soft wave goodbye, but Claudia lingered in the doorway. She fidgeted from foot to foot, “Listen, H.G., I didn’t mean to give you a hard time, I just want to make sure that you’re, ya know, taking care of yourself too.”

Helena smiled softly, “I know Claud and I appreciate it. I will, honestly, give a lot of thought to what you said, I promise.”

“Good. I love you both, so I gotta watch out for both of you.”

“And it’s appreciated. Good night Claudia, good luck with the studying.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “Thanks, I’m going to need it. See you tomorrow.”

**

Helena wished that she could have just ignored everything that Claudia and Leena had said, that she could have just blown it off as friends being overly protective, but she knew that there was more than a grain of truth in their concerns. The past few days since their fight hadn’t exactly felt all that _different_ from how they’d been before. It didn’t feel like a lot of time nor space, and it wasn’t that Helena was complaining, being with Myka was good and relaxing and it _did_ make her happy, but she also knew that she felt off. She could tell that Myka felt the same way; they were hesitant and just a bit unsure and at various points it just felt like they were trying _too hard_ to act like nothing had happened despite the fact that they were supposed to be taking their time and setting up all these boundaries and giving each other space. 

The reality was, Helena didn’t _want_ to be upset anymore. She wanted to just move on and, if she was being perfectly honest, just forget that the entire mess had happened. However, what her heart wanted and what her brain needed were two totally separate things. Claudia was right, she wasn’t ok, not truly. There was so much that she was still trying to process about what happened, but when she was with Myka that processing got jumbled up and forgotten about because she allowed herself to just sink into the feeling of them being together. However, when she was alone…it all came screaming back into full blown clarity. She was still hurt and she was still a little confused, and for as much as Myka said that she had things to figure out, Helena knew the same applied to her. She just didn’t know how to explain that to Myka, without her thinking that she wanted out. That wasn’t what she wanted at all, she had no intention of letting Myka _go_ , but it was highly probable that Claudia and Leena were right…she needed to take the time and the space for herself too, just to get her own heart, her own head, figured out. She was concerned about Myka, about the things she alluded to needing to deal with, because she knew that whatever those things were they were going to be difficult and tear at Myka deeply, but she realized she needed to be concerned about herself too. If she meant what she said to Myka about wanting them to be ok and wanting them to be together for whatever future they intended on mapping out, then Helena needed to figure her own stuff out too, even if that meant telling Myka that maybe they needed to take the whole time and space thing a bit more seriously.

**

“So…you were able to pull yourself away from your dates, huh?” Myka smirked as she pushed herself up from the bench she was sitting on while she waited for Helena to arrive.

Helena feigned consideration, “Well, they actually left me, had they not…”

“You might have left me all to my lonesome?” 

Helena chuckled, “Possibly. They are _very_ persuasive.” Helena leaned up on the tips of her toes and pressed a very light, very chaste kiss to Myka’s smile.

Myka smirked as Helena pulled away from her, “Well then, I suppose I should be extremely grateful for your presence, since I apparently had _quite_ the competition.”

Helena chuckled lightly, then settled onto Myka’s abandoned bench, pulling her running shoes out of her bag. Myka sank down next her, and Helena noticed that she left a bit more space between them than usual. She wondered in passing if Myka was having similar thoughts to her own, that they hadn’t been doing the time and space thing well, and needed to actually be more conscious of it. Myka leaned her head back against the wall, rolling it slightly to look at Helena, “So any decision about whether we’re jogging, running, walking, simply sitting here the rest of the evening?”

Helena rolled her eyes at Myka over her shoulder, “I abandon perfectly lovely company, only to have you tease me once I get here. I’m sure Claudia and Leena would take me back if I went home…”

Myka leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Helena’s shoulder, “Those two are extremely good company…”

Helena sat back slightly and leaned her head against Myka’s, placing a kiss to her forehead, “They might be good company, however, they pale in comparison to my _current_ company.”

Myka chuckled into Helena’s shoulder, “Sweet talker.”

Helena stood and offered a hand to pull Myka up, “ _Some_ people refer to that as my swagger.”

Myka shook her head mockingly, “Well those people must be crazy.”

“Something like that.” Helena leaned forward on her left knee to stretch out a bit. Once again, Myka did something that was just a little bit _off_ from their normal behavior. She moved next to her, and instead of offering her usual teasing, flirtatious comments about Helena’s stretching being a _distraction_ , she simply stretched herself. Helena shook her head, maybe they needed to do a bit more _talking_ to figure this out. She sighed quietly, “To answer your earlier question, we can jog if that works for you.”

“That works for me.”

They jogged quietly, comfortably for a solid forty-five minutes without truly saying much to each other. Helena, however, could tell that there was something _different_ about Myka, though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Usually, if she saw her after a dinner with her parents Myka was tense and distracted, her tone of voice slightly clipped, and there was always an underlying sense of frustration. Tonight though, she seemed relaxed, calm, almost peaceful, like something that had been weighing her down had lifted off of her shoulders. Helena had figured that when Myka said she needed to deal with some things and then wanted to make plans for after her Sunday dinner that she had to be thinking something would happen with her father, but Helena had not been expecting the result of whatever that _something_ was to be Myka looking so content.

As they finished another lap, Myka gave Helena a questioning look that Helena immediately understood as her, “are you ready to walk” look. She answered with a smile and nod and let her steps start to slow. Myka’s pace slackened next to her, and she pulled her headphones out of her ears, wrapping them around her shoulders, taking in deep breaths, “I really, really need to stop suggesting we run after we’ve both had dinner.”

Helena chuckled, “Well, we can stop. If you want to just go sit down we can.”

Myka shook her head, taking another deep breath, “No I’m good. We can walk for a bit.”

It took a solid half of a lap before Myka’s silence became near deafening to Helena. She bumped against her shoulder, “You’re awfully quiet over there Sleepy. Care to tell me what’s on your mind?”

Myka gave her a serene smile, “I’m just thinking that I’m really, _really_ happy.”

Helena looked at her quizzically, “Forgive me for stating the obvious, but that is _rarely_ your mood after an evening with your father.”

Myka chuckled, “That’s very true, however, this was not the usual night with my father.”

“Care to elaborate on that? Or are you going to leave me to my own devices to fill in the blanks?”

Myka drew in her bottom lip, eyeing Helena with a questioning, hesitant glance, “I do…I really do, I just…I don’t want you feeling like you’ve heard all of this before, only to have it not stick. I don’t want you thinking, ‘oh that’s great, but how the hell is this any different than before?’”

Helena gave Myka a scrutinizing look, “I would say why don’t you try telling me before you jump to any conclusions about how I’m going to react.”

Myka sighed, “I know, I’m sorry…that wasn’t fair. I think I’m kind of putting my own worries onto you.” Myka gave her head a small shake, her curls bouncing in her ponytail, tickling against her neck, “Tonight was different, because _tonight_ was my last Sunday night dinner.”

Helena couldn’t keep her eyes from widening, even as she bit back a chuckle, “Oh darling, you definitely need to just tell me things first, because I guarantee _that_ was not at all what I was expecting to hear, therefore I’m pretty sure, you’re safe from my supposed reactions. Anyway…please explain that a little bit more. How on earth was tonight your last Sunday night dinner? Are your parents moving? Have you simply kicked them out of town?”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “ _Yes_ , Swagger, I’ve forced my parents to move, that is how I’m dealing with my father issues.” She laughed softly, _this woman_ , “No…it’s just that I’ve realized that my dad is never going to change, no matter what I say or do, he is who he is, so if he’s not going to change, then I needed to be the one to change the rules.”

Helena gazed at her quizzically, “Change the rules?”

Myka smiled softly, “Something I learned from you actually. You’re always saying that you and I, we can be different from our pasts, that we don’t have to be what we’ve experienced before, we can be the exception, we can change the rules that we know.” Myka shrugged her shoulders slightly, “I figured the same could hold true for me and my dad. Just because he’s not going to change doesn’t mean that I have to continue subjecting myself to it. His stubbornness and his pettiness aren’t an excuse for my having to deal with him, so I figured, the only other option was removing myself from the equation. Thus, no more Sunday night dinners, really no more my dad, honestly…well…at least as much as that’s possible.”

Helena shook her head and scratched at her forehead, trying to wrap her mind around what Myka was apparently saying, “But Myka…what about your mom? I thought these dinners were her thing?”

“They were, but I explained everything to her before I talked to him, and she understood. She apologized actually for making me have to endure them for so long. Plus, we’ve worked out our own deal. Sunday night dinners are becoming Thursday afternoon lunches, just me and her. She seemed amenable to the change.”

“So you and your dad…”

Myka shrugged again, “Honestly? I don’t know where we go from here. I kind of told him I was done, and I am, Helena. I mean I’ve put up with all of his bullshit for so long, and I think I had convinced myself that it didn’t really get to me anymore. Last weekend pretty much proved to me how wrong I was on that front, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having my every move, my very _life_ judged by him. I won’t do it. I shouldn’t _have_ to do it. The fact that things he said almost made me lose you…that’s unacceptable to me. I don’t need him in my life, not if he’s only going to be there trying to ruin it.”

“And you’re ok with that? Truly?”

Myka stopped right where she was on the track, there was no one else there so it wasn’t as though she was going to get in anyone’s way. She reached for Helena’s hand, stopping her. Helena turned to face Myka, whose face was lit up with a smile so breathtaking Helena wondered if she’d ever seen something so beautiful. Myka squeezed her hand, “I cannot even begin to tell you how ok I am with this, Helena. The way I felt leaving their house tonight…I felt _free_ , like this weight I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying around had lifted. I mean how can I really be upset about losing a relationship that wasn’t really there in the first place?”

Helena smiled hesitantly. She wanted to be happy, however, she also didn’t want to feel like Myka had disowned her father just for them. She sighed, “That’s very true. I just…I don’t…I’m not sure I want to feel like you’ve broken off your relationship with your father for me.”

Myka chuckled softly, “Oh Swagger…I adore you, do you know that?” She squeezed Helena’s hand again at the uncertain look that stole across Helena’s face, “Listen to me, was this about us? Damn right it was. _However_ , was this _only_ about us? Absolutely not. This was about me doing what I need to do to be happy, not just with you, but in general. This is what I’ve needed to do for far too many years, you simply presented me with proper motivation.”

Helena’s smile brightened, “Then, as long as you are happy, I’m happy darling.”

Myka leaned down and whispered a small kiss to Helena’s lips, “I am _unbelievably_ happy.”

Helena pushed up on the tips of her toes and pressed further against Myka’s lips. Claudia’s words kept chasing around her mind, but when she was _with_ Myka, it all just floated away far too easily. Yet she knew, in the back of her mind, that the fact that they were having to go through this in the first place still stung. That Myka had allowed herself to be so affected by her father, that they almost broke apart, it was enough to make Helena want scream in frustration, because it just shouldn’t have had to be this hard. What it came down to was that Claudia was right…Helena needed time, otherwise her frustration and her hurt would just continue to fester. She leaned away from Myka and resumed their walk. 

They did two more laps in relative quiet and ease before Myka asked if she was ready to call it a night. They gathered their things and Myka linked their hands as she walked Helena to her car. Helena threw her things in the backseat then leaned against her door, fingers toying with the zippers on the pockets of Myka’s coat. 

Myka kicked lightly at a patch of packed down snow. She wasn’t sure what it was, but something seemed _off_ with Helena. She was just a shade too quiet, a hint of hesitancy around too many of her movements, and as she watched her lean against her car, eyes looking anywhere but at Myka, she was positive there was something wrong. She nudged her foot against Helena’s, kicking softly, “Hey…” She leaned her head down trying to catch Helena’s eye, with only a modicum of success. She tucked a light finger under Helena’s chin, barely urging her to look up, “Helena…talk to me…please. What’s going on?”

Helena’s lips were a tight, thin line, she didn’t want to do this, even though she knew she needed to, “It’s nothing, darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh no…no way. You can’t honestly believe that I would buy that.”

Helena bit down on her lip, willing the tears that were quickly building behind her eyes to stop, but when she finally met Myka’s gaze, she felt them start to fall, “I think I underestimated the difficulty of this.”

Myka tucked her hand into Helena’s, giving it a light squeeze, “The difficulty of what?”

“Of figuring out these _boundaries_ between us. Of dealing with the idea of us taking time and space apart. Of dealing with my own…” Helena’s eyes stole down to the ground again.

“Your own what?” Myka prodded carefully, almost positive she knew what was coming. She couldn’t say it was exactly unexpected. Helena had been _far, far_ too inclined to move on and seemingly forget last week. Myka had been figuring the moment when Helena’s anger caught up with her own intense guilt would not be far off.

“My own frustration,” the words were barely a whisper leaving Helena’s lips.

Myka nodded slowly. She looked towards the coffee shop, it seemed relatively empty. She squeezed Helena’s hand again, “Can we go talk? I think we’d pretty much have the coffee shop to ourselves. Or we can sit in one of our cars. Or we can drive around. I don’t really care where or how, as long as we’re talking.”

Helena sighed, small smile tugging at her lips, despite the tears still clinging to her cheeks, “Always with the _talking_.”

Myka knew Helena was trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t quite join in her small laughter. She couldn’t help feeling like there was too much at stake, “I’d much prefer talking to not right now Swagger.”

Helena could hear Myka’s worry, her _fear_. She finally met Myka’s gaze full on, offering her a small, hopefully comforting, smile, “The coffee shop would be infinitely warmer than one of our cars.”

Myka nodded, keeping a grip against Helena’s hand, while she turned them away from Helena’s car and back towards the shop entrance. Myka ordered them two cups of tea, then made her way back to the couch where they had talked after their first post-Sunday dinner run, which Myka realized felt like eons ago, despite happening barely over a month ago. Myka handed Helena her tea, which she took with a grateful smile, then Myka settled into the couch, tucking one of her legs under her knee, and she waited for Helena to start talking.

She watched with her heart pounding in her ears as Helena took a slow, measured drink of her tea, then tucked it between her thigh and the couch. She watched breath coming in shorter, more panicked wisps, as Helena ran a strangled hand over her hair and down her ponytail giving it a small tug. She watched with fingers starting to tremble as Helena looked into her eyes, offered a small, tight smile, that did little to assuage her fears. She watched as Helena took a deep breath and begin to speak, “I think I had convinced myself that somehow things between us would just be normal, after everything that had happened. That maybe, sure, we might see each other a little less and maybe be a bit more reserved. I think I convinced myself that if I could just act as normal as possible, I could forget what happened.”

Myka shook her head slowly, eyes stealing away from Helena and down towards her own cup, “We can’t just go right back to normal Helena. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. It wouldn’t be fair to you to just act like none of this happened, that I didn’t hurt you. It wouldn’t be fair to me while I’m trying to figure things out. I’m not running away from what I’ve done, and I don’t want you to either.”

Helena took in a shaky breath, wiping stray tears from her cheeks, “I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I think I thought it be easier…”

“Easier than admitting that you’re still upset with me?”

Helena nodded, drawing her lips tightly in a fruitless effort to keep from crying more, “Easier than admitting that maybe I might need that time and that space too.”

Myka instinctively reached for Helena’s hand, but paused halfway, maybe that wasn’t the best option at this exact moment. Helena caught the movement, the hesitancy that raced across Myka’s face, the slight grimace of pain that creased her forehead, and she reached out, grabbing a hold of Myka’s fingertips, quickly lacing their fingers together, smiling softly, “Space doesn’t necessarily mean that you are free from holding my hand, darling.” She gave Myka’s hand what she hoped was an encouraging squeeze.

Myka gripped Helena’s hand a little tighter, “Helena…I never expected you to just get over what happened, what I did. I never expected you to not be upset and hurt and angry and frustrated or any mixture of those feelings. You have every right to be upset still. Hell, I am still upset with myself. I would never ask you to just get over any of that, or ask you to not voice your frustration, all for the sake of this being easier or this fight, or whatever you want to call it, being over sooner. Please talk to me…get out whatever it is you’re holding back.”

“I just…I wish I could explain to you what it felt like…to get that _text_ from you…after the night we had together…and then for you to just disappear. I think I had fooled myself into believing that we were past all of that, and to realize we weren’t…it made me simultaneously want to scream at you and at myself for thinking that all the shit we both have had happen to us would just disappear.”

Myka closed her eyes, taking in a slow, deep breath, “I should have called you. I should have called you right away, the second I woke up. I should have called you and cried and explained and told you that I was _freaking out_. I should have come home and come right to your place. I never should have bailed. I never should have let something as stupid and _trite_ as a dream, get to me like that. I don’t care how fucking terrifying it was, it was a dream, and the fact that I let that get in the way of the reality that is you and I together…it’s one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. And let’s not even get into the fact that I let my dad get to me. I can only hope that tonight has helped me move beyond that to a point where it will never happen again.”

Helena took another sip of tea, then let her hand steal back into her hair, “Myka, I’m terrified that this will keep happening. I mean…we’ve been together for six weeks and we’ve already done this twice. What with that night with fucking Giselle and now this…I just…I’m in this, and you need to know that. I am _in_ this completely, I just want to feel like you are too, without also perpetually living in fear that I’m going to lose you.”

“I know, and I hate that I’ve put you in that position, and I can’t even blame you for worrying about it that much, because at this point I’ve given you absolutely no reason to think that it’s not going to happen again. But that was why I suggested the whole time and space thing…I have things I have to deal with, and I know that. Tonight was a huge step in that direction, but it’s not all of it. Like I told you the other night, I will not ask you to be in this with me, until I’ve done what I need to do to hopefully put you in a position to _not_ live with that fear anymore.”

“I don’t want you thinking that I’m not in this _now_ , Myka, because I am. Do not get me wrong, yes, I’m angry and I’m frustrated, but I am nowhere close to not being in this anymore. I meant what I said the other night, you and me? That’s the only future I’m interested in.”

Myka smiled softly, “I know, and I cannot tell you how much it means to hear you say that. However, I have to ask you Helena, what do you need in order to deal with the anger and the frustration? What can I do?”

Helena sighed and looked down at their still linked fingers, feeling keenly how much she didn’t want to lose this, “I think I need us to take some _real_ time and space, so that each of us can figure this out. We haven’t really done that…I mean we’ve said we were going to, but it doesn’t quite feel like we have. I think we need to take a step back, give each other a bit of distance.”

Myka tried to ignore the shot of panic that chased through her veins with Helena’s words. Distance sounded so _permanent_ , too much like a separation, but if this was what Helena needed, she would do whatever was necessary to give her that, no matter how much it hurt. She nodded slowly, “Ok, we can do that. I mean you’re right, I don’t think we quite figured out the whole time and space thing well, and it’s made things a little confusing.” She paused, unsure if she should say what she wanted to next, because the last thing she wanted was to push Helena too much, yet if she was going to really sign on to this whole distance thing, she needed to know, “Helena…don’t get me wrong, I’m on board with this, with whatever you need, but I need to know…distance, space, time, whatever, are we still us? Or is this more like a break? I mean, if that’s what you need, ok, I can deal with that…but…”

Helena shook her head fiercely, gripping tightly onto Myka’s hand, “No, this is not a break. I refuse to do that, because I don’t want a _break_ from you Myka, a break is so much more than what we’re doing by giving each other space. You and I? We’re an us, until one of us absolutely, unequivocally says that we are not. I am not saying that. I have _no intention_ of _ever_ saying that.”

Myka felt a little of the tension in her chest ease, a small smile pulled at her lips, “Ok. I just needed to check, to be sure.”

“Understandable darling. All this is, is taking what I think we both know we need…time. You knew you needed that from the beginning. It just took me a little while to realize that I needed it too.”

Myka gave one, single, definitive nod, “Ok, then we each take that time. We do whatever it is that we need to do, but we know that we come back to each other.”

Helena smirked, “So…back to my original question from the other night, how exactly do we do that?”

Myka considered for a moment, “I think we take the whole step back thing very literally. I know I had originally said that maybe we still go out and that we still see each other, but maybe we need to just say that we’ll see each other when that happens. Does that make sense? I mean I was going to ask if you wanted to have dinner Tuesday night after you guys are done recording, but maybe…maybe we don’t do that. Maybe we just let it happen that we see each other when we see each other.”

Helena thought about Myka’s proposition momentarily. Part of her was afraid that it sounded an awful lot like the break she so adamantly didn’t want, yet part of her realized that if she wanted _space_ that was most likely what it looked like. She ran her thumb along the back of Myka’s hand, “That probably makes the most sense. What about talking? I mean maybe I’m being too specific about this, but I’m just trying to be a bit more clear than we were before.”

“No, this is good. You’re right, we weren’t clear last week, and I think that’s what led us here. I think we still need to talk. If we’re not talking, well, I don’t really want to entertain what that looks like.”

“Neither do I.”

Myka smiled softly and reached up to thumb away a few more stray tears from Helena’s cheeks, “We’re going to be ok, Swagger. I promise. It’s just going to take a bit for us to get ourselves _untangled_ , but we’ll be ok.”

Helena nodded against Myka’s palm where it rested against her cheek, “I know. I’m sorry…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh please don’t do that. Please, please do not apologize for feeling what you feel and being honest about it. Helena, that is exactly what got us into this position in the first place. We have to stop dancing around each other’s feelings, otherwise we’re going to keep winding up here. I’m glad you told me, I’m glad we talked about this. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.” Helena turned her head slightly and pressed a kiss against Myka’s palm, she couldn’t help herself, not with the way Myka was looking at her, eyes shining, smile bright and open. Myka ran her thumb along Helena’s cheek, “Promise me you won’t give up on us.”

Helena smiled deeply, “I promise.”

There was a definitive ending feeling to their conversation, and Myka decided it was probably best if they didn’t linger, otherwise they would start to question and rethink and things would most likely get messy. She finished the last of her tea, then stood, offering a hand to help pull Helena up. They walked back to their cars, fingers linked, and Myka hoped that the feeling she had that Helena seemed lighter, less tense, was real and not just her imagination. She walked Helena to her car, debating how to do this, this odd thing of saying such an open-ended goodbye. 

Helena opened her car door and leaned into the space between her door and the car, eyeing Myka with a look Myka couldn’t quite place, “So…I suppose I will most likely see you Wednesday, right?”

Myka nodded, “I wouldn’t miss it. Vanessa throws a hell of a release party.”

Helena smiled, “So I’ve heard. Ok…then I will talk to you tomorrow.” It came out more like a question than a statement.

“Yes, definitely.”

Helena fidgeted with her keys, this felt ridiculous and so uncertain. Myka watched Helena as her face displayed an inward struggle of what to do next. Myka took a deep breath, they would figure this out. She took a small step forward, barely entering into Helena’s space, “This whole space, distance, time thing…does it mean I shouldn’t kiss you goodbye?”

Helena let out a massive sigh of relief, Myka knew her, knew _them_ so well, “No, it doesn’t. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you didn’t.”

Myka just gave a small nod, accompanied by a near imperceptible smirk. That was exactly what she had wanted to hear. She stepped further into Helena’s space, resting a light hand against her waist, leaning down, not closing her eyes until the very last second, so that she could take in Helena looking so breathtaking, eyes closed, lit by only the moon, cheeks flushed from the cold. She pressed very tentative, very light lips to Helena’s, letting them barely linger, put pressing and holding enough for Helena to _know_ that she wasn’t going anywhere, that they would get through this, _together_. 

Helena let out a small sigh as they parted. Myka pressed another quick kiss against her lips, “Get home safe Swagger.”

“You too. Text me when you’re in.”

Myka smiled, content for now that this was where they were at, “I will, I promise.”

**

Myka sat in her office staring at her computer, listening to Claudia dealing with a customer who was edging ever slowly towards needing to be told where he could stick his ridiculous requests. Myka knew she would need to go out and deal with it herself soon, but Claudia had been adamant from the start of their partnership that Myka let her handle things, even when they got difficult, if they happened on her watch. Myka lifted up her glasses and covered her face with her hands, letting out a small, frustrated groan. Absolutely nothing felt right about today, and she wasn’t even going to try and fool herself into believing that was because of anything other than the fact that for the first time in well over two months Helena was not sitting in the store, pushing a salad onto her, teasing her as they shared lunch over the counter. 

It’s not that she hadn’t been expecting it. She had prepared herself for it from the moment she woke up that morning, the glaring reality of their conversation last night pressing against her conscience. Distance meant that Helena wouldn’t be showing up this afternoon. If they were going to do this, actually take it seriously, there was no way she would be there, and God Myka hated that thought. Yet, she knew they needed this. She knew that Helena needed this, therefore she would suck it up, she would deal with the inevitable consequences of her own foolish actions, and she would wait out the interminable hours and days until she saw Helena Wednesday night. 

Idly, she picked up her phone, debating the intelligence of texting her, only to toss it back down quickly. She had promised Helena space, and immediately stealing into that space, even with something as innocent as a text message, seemed disingenuous to her commitment to letting Helena deal. No, they were taking a step back, and Myka knew that she had pushed forward too much over the last few days, despite this being her idea in the first place. She would give Helena her space, and if Helena felt comfortable calling her or texting or reaching out in anyway, she’d be there willing and ready, whenever that moment came.

**

Helena tried to busy herself by actually _making_ lunch for once, but it didn’t stop all of it from feeling wildly unnecessary and strange and frustrating and just this side of depressing. She couldn’t remember the last Monday afternoon she had actually spent in her own apartment, and she couldn’t stop feeling like this was the last place she wanted to be. Yet, she knew it would make no sense to show up at The Warehouse this afternoon, not after she had declared she needed real space last night. 

She sighed as she sank onto the couch with a woefully pathetic excuse of a sandwich. If she felt this miserable this quickly, whatever time she and Myka spent apart was going to be interminable. She took a few stray bites of her sandwich, then tossed it onto the table, she wasn’t that hungry anyway. She tugged her journal towards her. She had told Myka she needed to deal with her frustration, her hurt, and the only way she could think to do that was doing what she usually did on Monday afternoons, writing. Even if she hated that she was writing by herself, without Claudia, in a space that wasn’t filled with Myka’s teasing comments or not-so-subtle glances and winks or excuses to walk by them simply to drop a kiss to her head. She laid her head back against the pillows, this was going to be harder than she anticipated.

**

Tuesday afternoon found Helena leaning against the control board in the studio debating the pros and cons of throwing Pete out of the room. She knew she was being irritable, and that she was simply letting things get to her _far too much_ , but she could not stop her teeth from gritting around Pete asking _once again_ for another take. 

She watched as Claudia rolled her eyes and slumped back against the couch, while Steve mumbled something about going to get a cup of coffee. They’d been at the studio for several hours, and almost everything was set. It was only one more song, and it was one they were comfortable with, so they had been anticipating everything going smoothly. None of them had anticipated Pete deciding he wanted to completely rework his opening solo. He explained to Kelly that something just didn’t feel right about what he had laid down, and that if he was going to be starting out the song, he wanted to set the right tone immediately. Much to the chagrin of the rest of them, Fargo included, Kelly had readily agreed and told him to take as much time as he needed to figure it out. When Claudia had questioned the intelligence of giving Pete an unlimited amount of time to improvise, Kelly had told her that if she had it her way, this song was going to be their first single and if that was the case she wanted it to be as close to perfect as possible, therefore Pete was going to get his time. Forty-five minutes later, they all still sat there, listening to Pete try out different variations on the same ten seconds of track.

Helena couldn’t take it anymore. She was all for getting this right, doing things the way they needed to be done, but her patience just _could not_ take this right now. She glanced at Claudia, “I’m going to go get some air.”

Claudia gave her an idle thumbs up, as she continued to thumb through a guitar magazine that Fargo had brought her to look through, encouraging her to think outside the box on a few things once they were ready to record a full-length album.

Helena pulled on her coat and wandered out onto the porch of the house which contained the recording studio. She took in several very deep, very cold breaths and pulled out her phone, quickly clicking over to Myka’s number and waiting through enough rings to make her think that Myka wasn’t going to pick up, which she figured would just be par for the course for the afternoon. 

In the middle of one last feeble ring, the phone clicked over and Myka’s voice came through a little winded and a little surprised, “Hey you…”

Helena couldn’t fight the smile that lit her face instantly upon hearing Myka’s voice. Despite their assurances on Sunday night that they would talk on Monday, they both seemed a bit _too inclined_ to give each other space, being a bit too careful about their boundaries and so other than a few scattered texts as they were getting ready for bed, they hadn’t truly spoken since Sunday night. Helena sighed in relief at Myka’s voice and then let out a groan of frustration, “I feel obligated to tell you that if you value the life of your best friend, you might want to come over here and save him from being murdered by your girlfriend.”

Helena heard Myka chuckle and whisper a barely audible, “Oh boy,” before her voice came through louder and clearer, “I appreciate the heads up. I am a bit partial to his presence in my life, so I must say it would mean a lot if you held off on the felonies for a little bit longer.”

“Well…if it means that much to _you_ I suppose I can reconsider my plans…”

“And I am eternally grateful for that Swagger. So…I take it things aren’t going particularly smoothly over there?”

Helena groaned again, “Something like that. It’s really not that big of a deal, and honestly, it’s probably for the best in the long run, but good Lord can that man toy around with a few bars for an eternity.”

Myka tried to hold back her laughter, but she couldn’t because she knew exactly what Helena was talking about, “Ah, you’ve all finally discovered Pete’s hidden perfectionist streak huh? I swear to God, I have witnessed him play for an hour straight, without stopping, playing the same measure over and over and over again until he got it right. On the one hand, it’s kind of admirable and usually ends up with positive results. On the other hand, I can imagine that it’s unbelievably frustrating on your end.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the _effort_ , but…”

“You’re ready for a break, it’s understandable. This is one of the downsides to the recording process, you end up spending hours on something that feels completely inconsequential and like it should be an easy fix. It’s even more frustrating when it’s only one of you working on it.”

“We’ve just been sitting here for forty-five minutes, and if he could just figure this out we would be nearly done for the day.”

“He’ll get it, don’t worry, and then you’ll be able to go home and hopefully avoid the murdering portion of your afternoon.”

Helena chuckled, it had been barely two days and she _missed_ Myka far too much, “I suppose that would probably be a wise idea, but then what on earth will I do with myself for the rest of the night?”

“Anything that isn’t spending the evening in jail is probably a good call.”

There was a small pause in their conversation, a pause small, but long enough to make Helena debate the merits of actually telling Myka she missed her, but then Claudia’s head was poking out the door, dragging her attention away from the phone, “Yo, H.G. the genius man-child has figured it out. Time to get back to it.”

Helena sighed with relief, and she heard Myka give a small breath of laughter, “See, I told you, Pete always figures it out.”

“Indeed. Ok, I guess that means I’ve got to get going.”

“Go get ‘em Swagger.”

“Bye darling.”

**

By the time Helena got to the Regents Wednesday night, it seemed as though everyone she knew was already there, Myka included. She had never seen the café this full. There were people occupying nearly every available space, and she realized that when people had warned her about Vanessa’s infamous release parties she had truly had no idea what was coming. The entire floor had been cleared of all but a few tables, giving people plenty of room to mix and mingle. Instead of their usual two, there were four bartenders manning the bar, one of which Helena was happy to see was Todd. There were stacks of Liam’s album on every available surface and it was blaring clearly from the speakers. The stage had been relatively cleared, other than what Helena recognized as Liam’s guitar, and the back of the stage was draped with a large image of the album cover. It was for all intents and purposes all Liam, all night, everywhere at the Regents, and if the look he had on his face when she finally saw him amongst the crowd was any indication, he could not have been happier. 

She did a quick scan of the crowd as best she could, finally catching a glimpse of who she was really looking for. Myka was standing around one of the tables, with two people, one of whom Helena recognized as Jack, the other she could only assume had to be Rebecca, given the fact that Jack had his arm tucked around her waist, wedding rings clearly visible on both of their hands. Helena let out an involuntary sigh of contentment at simply _seeing_ her, her head tilted back in brief laughter, her fingers pushing her curls back from her forehead. She didn’t have her glasses on and Helena could tell she had maybe put on a bit more makeup than she usually did. She had on a clingy black shirt that made Helena’s knees just slightly buckle. They really did threaten to give out underneath her when Myka’s gaze finally drifted towards the door, and towards her. She flashed her a devastating smile, one that so genuinely spoke of how happy she was that Helena was there, and gave her a small wave, before holding up two fingers and mouthing, “two minutes” and gesturing her head towards Jack and Rebecca. Helena returned the smile happily and nodded her head at Myka’s obvious indication that she was in the middle of something, but that there would be time for them to talk soon. Helena gestured her head towards the bar and the corner where Pete, Amanda, and Claudia were standing. Myka followed her gaze, nodded and gave her a quick wink before returning her attention to Jack and Rebecca.

**

“So that’s the girl huh?” Rebecca smirked at Myka.

Myka tried to give a mocking response, something a bit incredulous at Rebecca’s teasing, but she couldn’t muster the effort. Her words came out slightly breathless, a blush creeping into her cheeks as she said them, “That’s her…”

Jack chuckled, squeezing Rebecca closer to him, “Oh Becs…you made her blush. Leave the poor girl alone.”

Rebecca took a sip of her wine, winking at Myka, “Never, not when she looks like _this_ the second that woman walked in. That’s a look I’m not sure I’ve ever seen on your face before.”

Myka chuckled and idly rubbed at the back of her neck, “Yeah, well, this isn’t exactly something I’ve ever quite experienced before, so it’s a bit of new territory for all of us I suppose.”

Jack looked back towards Helena, who was moving quickly towards the bar, only to be engulfed in a hug by someone Jack only vaguely recognized as Myka’s business partner Claudia. He eyed Myka carefully, “So, she’s the singer? She any good?”

Myka let out an involuntary shout of laughter, “Wow, I’m not sure good quite covers it. She’s amazing. They’re _all_ amazing.”

Jack passed a scrutinizing look over the little group of Myka’s friends collected in the corner, he barely knew any of them other than Pete, who had been an integral part of Myka’s life for as long as they’d known her. He gave Rebecca a sidelong glance, then gestured towards the corner, looking back at Myka, “Do they have representation yet?”

Myka held up her hands, “Nope, no, totally not my place. They’re my best friends and she’s my girlfriend, I’m not interfering in band business. You want to know if they have representation, you go see them perform and ask them yourselves.”

Rebecca giggled softly, “Try to be a bit more adamant about that why don’t you?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “It’s not my place. It’s their band, and I’ve always been very clear with them…that’s not my role in their lives. I don’t want it to be. Speaking of which, I need to get over there for a few minutes, but you two, do not go anywhere, there’s something I want to talk to you guys about before you head out.”

Rebecca’s brow crinkled at Myka’s tone, so quick to turn serious and businesslike, “We aren’t going anywhere. We’ll be here all night. Go save that woman from hurting her neck, which she’s bound to do if she keeps trying to be subtle about looking at you every few seconds.”

Myka smiled softly, “I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

**

Helena smiled as she felt a light pressing against the small of her back. She turned her head to see Myka offering her an almost hesitant smile, “Hey.”

Helena sighed contentedly, despite the nerves that were unexpectedly tumbling around her stomach at the realization that she had no idea how to act around Myka in this precise moment, “Hello darling.” She leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Myka’s cheek.

For once, Helena was thankful for Pete’s tendency to rush into any moment of silence and hurtle them past any point of awkwardness, even if he was completely unaware of what he was doing. He threw an arm around Myka, tugging her close, “Mykes! I should be yelling at you because I’ve been here for a good twenty minutes and this is the first I’ve seen you. _Unacceptable_ , young lady.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m terribly sorry, Pete. I had forgotten about your zero tolerance policy on my having other friends, or ya know other people I needed to talk to.”

Pete gave her a faux wounded look, clutching at his heart, “You hurt me Myka Bering.”

Amanda shook her head, laughing softly, “Oh yes, Pete you are so very wounded having to keep company with the rest of us.”

Pete threw his other arm around Amanda’s shoulders, “You know me babe, I need my whole crew in order to be happy.”

Myka shook her head with a chuckle, “You are in _fine form_ tonight.”

Pete nodded exuberantly, “That I am, Mykes, that I am, and do you know why?”

“Do I even want to know?”

“Oh you do…tell her H.G.”

Myka looked towards Helena quizzically, “Ok what did I miss?”

Helena laughed softly, tucking her arm around Myka’s waist and pulling her out of Pete’s grasp, “If you don’t mind Peter, I wouldn’t mind having her over here with me, your need for your _crew_ notwithstanding.” Pete shot her a quick wink while making a ridiculous whistling noise. Helena shook her head laughingly, “What your darling best friend is referring to is that Claudia just got a phone call from Kelly, letting us know that we should have our demo in hand by early next week, and that she’s already starting to make calls to labels around town to set up meetings.”

Myka’s eyes widened, a genuine smile stealing over her face, “Oh my God, you guys! That is amazing. _Huge!_ And absolutely amazing.”

Helena smiled, “We quite thought so as well, if you couldn’t tell from Peter’s exuberant mood.”

“Well, then I guess it’s a night for celebrating all the way around.”

Pete shook his head slightly, “Not quite. We’re only mildly, _quietly_ celebrating in our little corner over here. Steve-O wants tonight to be all about Liam, so we’re holding off on our own celebrations until later.”

“Ah, got it. Probably a good call on his part.” Myka looked over to where Steve stood laughing and smiling as Liam introduced him to another of the throng of people clamoring for his attention. Liam had a hand resting gently against Steve’s back, and they both looked completely content, deliriously happy. 

She sighed, but before she could say anything, Helena was whispering near her ear, “They look quite happy don’t they?”

Myka nodded, still staring at the two of them, looking like they didn’t have a care in the world, “They do…” When she looked back at Helena, she noticed there was a faint trace of sadness lingering in Helena’s eyes, and she wondered if this odd feeling between them, this feeling of being them, but not quite _being them_ , was as hard for Helena as it was for her. She inwardly kicked herself for even thinking it, because _of course it was_. Helena looked like she was about to say something else, but then someone Myka vaguely knew as Leena was tugging on Helena’s elbow.

“H.G.? I’m really sorry to interrupt, but can I steal you for a second?”

Helena smiled softly, “Sure.” She turned back to Myka, squeezing her arm lightly around Myka’s waist, “I’ll see you in a bit?”

Myka smiled hesitantly, “Yeah…I should actually get back to Jack and Rebecca for a few minutes.”

Helena nodded, eyes stealing towards the floor, that flash of sadness and something else untenable in her eyes again, as she walked away.

**

A half hour later, Amanda nudged Pete with her elbow, “This is weird…”

“What’s weird?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, sometimes he was so _very_ clueless. She gestured around the bar, where Myka and Helena _still_ occupied opposite ends of the room, having not gone near each other since they had initially seen each other, “ _This. Them._ It’s weird. They’re just kind of orbiting around each other, trying to act like they aren’t trying to make eye contact every few seconds. I don’t think I’ve seen them spend this much time apart while being in the same room since they met.”

Pete shrugged his shoulders, grimacing while eyeing Myka who was once again trying to shoot a sidelong glance towards Helena where she was leaning against the bar talking to Claudia and Todd. He could see the fight Myka was putting up to keep it together, to seem happy and relaxed, though he was fairly certain no one else but him, and maybe Helena, could tell. He sighed, “I know, but Mykes said this is what they both want, what they both need, so I guess whatever works for them…”

Amanda scoffed, “She said they want to act like they aren’t really together?”

“I wouldn’t quite put it like that. Myka said they agreed to give each other some space. This,” he gestured between them, “is space I think.”

“Well, it would be a bit more convincing if they both didn’t look like they were struggling to not just run towards the other every few seconds.”

Pete pressed a kiss to Amanda’s head, “Give ‘em a break, ‘Mands. They’re just trying to figure things out. You can’t blame H.G. for needing some time after what Myka did, and you can’t blame Myka for needing space to get her head on straight.”

“I just don’t understand why they have to make everything so _complicated_.”

“I think this is part of their effort to stop making things so complicated.”

Amanda smiled, “See this is why I love you…you’re a big goof, but all it does is hide the deep thinking, considerate man I know you are.”

Pete rolled his eyes playfully, “Is that the _only_ reason you love me?”

“Not even close, but if I listed them all, we’d be here all night and end up not talking to anyone.”

“I can’t say I’d complain about that. Here I’ll even help you get started. I’m devastatingly handsome, let’s face it probably the funniest person you know, I let you keep your freezing cold feet on my legs when we go to bed…”

Amanda cut him off with an eye roll and a kiss, “Like I said…we could be here all night, and I, personally, would like to _go home_ at some point this evening.” She whispered the last words against Pete’s lips, before kissing him again, and as she did Pete’s mind wandered to the tiny box hiding behind his shelf of comic books, thinking how absolutely perfect it would look on this absolutely perfect woman’s finger sometime in the very near future.

**

Jack paged through Liam’s album booklet, as he listened to Myka and Rebecca debate the merits of Myka taking a larger hand in her girlfriend’s band’s _situation_. He had just shook his head when Rebecca had started back in on the topic nearly from the second Myka had come back over, and decided to stay out of it, because when his wife was determined, _she was determined_ , and Myka was stubborn enough to fight that determination.

“Myka, you don’t think with all your contacts in town you might be a huge help to them?”

“Bec…come on, give me a break here. I don’t want to interfere. Pete and Claudia have been very clear from the beginning that they want to do this on their own, and I can’t say that I blame them. If I helped, at some point, someone would feel like they were just being done a _favor_ , and then they would question if they earned it, and you can see how that would spiral quickly out of control.”

Jack heard the distinctive intake of breath that signaled Rebecca hurtling towards a deep, very long argument, but before she could launch into it, he casually stated, “You know…this is one _hell_ of an album.” They both turned matching incredulous looks at him, like they couldn’t believe he was pointing out something so _obvious_ at a time like this. 

Rebecca smirked, knowing exactly what her husband was doing, and she couldn’t say she really blamed him for trying to diffuse a conversation that didn’t need to be escalated. She pulled the booklet from his hands, eyeing the tiny asterisk underneath the liner notes for “Come Pick Me Up,” which indicated that some production credit needed to be given to one Myka Bering. She gave Myka a scrutinizing look, “He’s right you know? This album? For a debut, it’s something else. We should probably be paying you royalties for sending Liam our way.”

Myka wondered absently if Rebecca had sensed what Myka needed to talk to them about. It would be just like Rebecca to read her way before she’d even said something. For once she didn’t wave off the acknowledgement or credit, “He was an easy one to spot, but I am glad that Vanessa and I sent him your way first. He fits. He’s what you guys need, crazy talent, charm, doesn’t need much cultivating, plus he writes his own stuff. That doesn’t come along very often.”

Rebecca sighed softly, “No…it doesn’t.”

Myka just shook her head, she recognized that _tone_ and that _look_ that Rebecca was giving her, that tone and look which said, “we said that about you once.” Myka sighed, there was no time like the present to start the conversation she knew she intended to have tonight, “So, speaking of which, kind of, maybe not at all, who knows, maybe this is a complete non sequitur, but I was wondering if the three of us could sit down and talk sometime soon?”

Jack chuckled, giving Myka a teasing grin, “You mean kind of like we are right now?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “No, not quite like this. I mean something a bit more formal? Possibly sitting in your office rather than in the middle of a bar?”

Rebecca tapped lightly at the back of Myka’s hand, “Myka you know that when it comes to you, Jack and I don’t really feel the need to follow those kinds of formalities. If there’s something you want to talk with us about, just talk about it.”

Myka shook her head, fighting down her rising frustration. She needed them to _understand_ , “I know, I know that, but I’m saying, in this situation I would _like_ those formalities. I don’t really want to talk about what I need to talk to you guys about here. I’d rather do it at the office, at a set time, where I can come prepared.”

Jack’s tone turned slightly more formal, “Is what you need to talk to us about that serious, Myka?”

“I’d like to think so. I mean, it’s important to me, and I _think_ it’s going to be important to you guys too, so I’d like us to be able to have a bit more time for it, as well as, ya know, quiet.”

Jack gestured a hand in an act of acquiescence, “That’s acceptable to me. What did you have in mind?”

Myka bit down on her lip, “Well, I mean, I know it’s a bit sudden, and if you guys don’t have time that’s completely ok, but I usually have Thursday afternoons off…”

Rebecca nodded, “Ok, come by the office tomorrow around 2:30. We have a free window there. We can give you an hour. Is that formal enough for you?”

Myka rolled her eyes and chuckled, “ _Yes_ , it is.”

Jack clapped his hands together, near certain that this conversation would lead to something that he and Rebecca had been wanting for a long time, “Then it’s settled, tomorrow it is then.”

Myka nodded, “Tomorrow. Thank you both, really.”

Rebecca’s tone softened a bit, “Myka, you don’t have to thank us for anything. At this point, you’re basically family. Whatever you need…”

“I know, but still, thank you.”

Rebecca smirked, “You’re welcome.”

Myka smiled and took a sip of her beer, watching as Vanessa wound her way towards the stage, tapping on the mic, calling everyone to attention as best she could, “Good evening everyone! Thank you all for coming out to celebrate someone that I am glad to call one of the Regents very own. He played one of his very first shows here, and I for one could not be prouder to see him here tonight, debut album in hand. Now, I realize we’ve been listening to it all night, but I was _hoping_ we might persuade Mr. Napier to come up here and give us a glimpse of the real thing. Liam? What do you say?”

Myka watched as Liam nearly blushed as he shook his head incredulously in reaction to the cacophony of whistles, applause, and general shouts of approval at Vanessa’s suggestion. He threw up his hands quickly in submission shouting out above the din, “Ok, ok, you _wore me down_.” 

Vanessa chuckled as Liam made his way up to the stage, “I think at this point everyone here knows that that is one of my many talents.” Liam slung his guitar over his shoulders, leaned down into his guitar case for his harmonica, then sank onto a stool, adjusting the mic, eyeing Vanessa carefully, “Well you got me up here, are you going to stand there or let me sing?” 

Vanessa threw her head back in laughter as Liam shot her a quick wink. Vanessa joined the crowd’s applause, “Well, I won’t keep you waiting. Ladies and gentleman, Liam Napier!”

Liam gave the crowd _that smile_ , that smile which Myka recognized as the one he gave the moment she realized he had _it_. She recognized it as the smile he gave which caused her to look at Helena that night and dare to call it “swagger.” She scanned around the bar, finding her quickly, still leaning against the bar, but no longer surrounded by anyone. Myka sighed, she looked beautiful, devastatingly beautiful, and for the millionth time she wondered how she’d almost thrown all of it away. In that moment, Helena’s eyes found hers and they slid quickly to the very empty space next to her, before she arched an eyebrow in invitation towards Myka. Myka smiled shyly, nodding her head, but before she could move, Liam’s voice broke through the crowd. She held up a single finger to Helena mouthing, “I’ll be right there,” before turning her attention back to the stage.

Liam smiled brightly behind the microphone, “I know I give her a hard time, but all jokes aside, I have to say that I would not be sitting her tonight without Vanessa. She gave me a chance and she helped me get moving in the right direction, so I owe her a huge thank you, for everything she’s done, but most importantly for believing in me. There’s one other person here tonight that deserves that same level of thanks, and if I’d known my first night here that eventually I’d be lucky enough to call her a friend, I would have thought I’d gone crazy, but none of this would have been possible, me sitting here, this album, some of the very music on this album, without Myka Bering. So, even though I’m sure she is trying to hide away from this very public display of appreciation, I owe her a huge debt of gratitude, for everything.” Liam’s gaze strayed to Myka’s, flashing her an appreciative smile which she returned gratefully. Liam cleared his throat, “Ok, I’m going to stop talking soon, but not before I state that in order to do the song I would like to do, I can’t quite be up on this stage alone. She helped make this song, my first single, what it is, so if Claudia Donovan would be so kind as to join me up here, I can stop talking and start singing.”

Myka watched as Claudia bounded onto the stage, seemingly fully prepared for the invitation. Myka used that moment of pause to wave a quick hand at Jack and Rebecca, stealing away from the table and maneuvering her way through the crowd back towards the bar, back towards Helena. 

Myka slid into the space Helena had gestured towards, pressing a kiss to Helena’s temple, as Helena’s arm snaked around her waist, drawing Myka tight to her side. Helena gave Myka a soft smile that soon devolved into a smirk, “Our dear Liam was quite effusive in his thankfulness for you darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I figured he would be, though I think he’s giving me a bit too much credit. This album is all him. He had the talent, he just needed to be steered towards people who would appreciate it.”

“And look who did said steering. I think all of his thanks were quite warranted.”

“Maybe…” Myka sank a bit further into Helena’s hold, as they heard Liam begin the first chords of “Come Pick Me Up.” She sighed contentedly, “How has your night been?”

Helena shrugged lightly, “Uneventful for the most part. I can’t say it’s been wholly enjoyable being in the same room with you, but not really spending much time with you.”

Helena’s tone wasn’t biting or even angry, more resigned, sad. Myka sighed, she felt the same way, “I know. It’s felt a little… _odd_ , but if we’re…”

Helena cut her off softly, “I know Sleepy. This is what we agreed to, and while I do still stand by that agreement, I can’t help stating the simple fact that I miss you.” 

Myka sighed and pressed another kiss to Helena’s temple, “I know…I miss you too…the last few days…well, they haven’t exactly been fun.” 

Helena gave Myka a long, _longing_ look, then turned her attention back towards the stage, figuring they at least owed it to Liam to pay attention _somewhat_ to his performance. Their silence lasted only a handful of seconds before Helena was whispering, “Do you know what I remember most about Liam’s first night?”

Myka looked at her quizzically, “What?”

Helena smirked, “How nervous I was when you walked in…and I distinctly remember being concerned that you were possibly dating _Jack_.”

Myka tried to stifle her very loud, very _inconsiderate of Liam_ , snort of laughter, but she was only half successful, “Thought I had a thing for guys sporting wedding rings, huh?”

“Ok, I’ll admit, I wasn’t quite processing the situation well, but as I said I was nervous.”

“Yeah, well, that would have made two of us then. I was completely shocked when you walked up to my table.”

“Yet your nerves didn’t keep you from offering to drive me home…”

“Ah and thus our eternal battle over the _driving_ began.”

Helena eyed Myka carefully, she knew what she wanted to say, to _ask_ , yet she wasn’t sure if it was intelligent given their current status. She decided to throw caution to the wind, memories of that night, memories of Myka’s first use of that oh so intoxicating word “swagger” urging her towards boldness. She pulled Myka a shade closer, “What if tonight I said I wouldn’t put up a fight if you offered?”

“I’m not sure I’d believe it. I thought you were predisposed to _always_ argue with me, at least a little bit, about it.” 

Helena just rolled her eyes, “If you would like me to…”

Myka shook her head quickly, concern and uncertainty falling across her face, “No, I don’t, I just…Helena…you know I will, because ya know it’s Wednesday and Wednesdays mean...”

“Myka is driving me home,” Helena filled in flawlessly.

“But, I need to be sure that it’s ok. I need to know that it’s not pushing up against these boundaries too hard, too fast. I don’t want us getting caught up in this moment, because we both obviously miss each other, and end up regretting it because we’ve bailed on what we claimed we needed mere days ago.”

Helena turned to fully face Myka then, eyes glimmering with some hidden determination, body exuding the swagger that Myka loved so much, that Myka could read so well, but when she spoke her tone wasn’t teasing or uncertain. It was sure, solid, controlled, “Myka, I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t ok. I have no intention of pushing anything, or of rushing what we have put in place. However, it has been nearly three days since we’ve said more than a few scant words to each other, and I personally, would like to spend a few minutes with you, away from the crowd and noise and chaos. I do need space, but I’m starting to realize I don’t need _quite this much_ space. Which I realize makes me sound completely fickle and probably slightly ridiculous. Therefore, if you’re not ok with it…”

“No, I’m good. You’re right, and you don’t sound like any of those things. The reality is the solution isn’t not seeing each other at all either. So, yes, I will gladly drive you home.”

**

They weren’t doing this well, and Myka was fairly certain they both realized that almost immediately upon getting in the car. The whole thing felt too normal and too comfortable, despite the fact that little about their relationship was currently normal or comfortable. Myka could feel that pull to simply sink back in, to say to hell with it all, and just _get on with it_ , because obviously they both wanted that on some level, yet she also felt herself tugging back, not wanting to push because she knew she wasn’t ready, and she knew, despite her minor protestations, that Helena wasn’t ready. So instead of dealing with the uncomfortable and the normal but not quite normal enough, they drove in a weighted, awkward silence. Neither of them knowing what to say, what to do, only knowing that they wanted to be near each other, but not knowing quite how to do that _yet_.

Myka simply did her best to keep her eyes on the road, to try and focus on driving, rather than on the looming _presence,_ that was Helena sitting right next to her, staring out the window with her chin propped on her fist, her other hand lying close to the center console. Myka kept reminding herself that they were in this together, and that ultimately they would know when the time was right for all this middle ground, grey area uncertainty to be over. 

If she was being honest, she wasn’t even truly paying attention to the radio. Her mind too full of racing thoughts to focus on anything as concrete as her speakers. It wasn’t until she noticed Helena’s hand surreptitiously moving to the volume, until she heard Helena’s voice quietly, but surely filling the car that she started to pay attention. She _really_ started to pay attention, because the way Helena’s voice sounded, a little strangled, a little cracked, a little longing; that sound left Myka breathless.

_“When I look into your eyes…it’s like watching the night sky…or a beautiful sunrise…well there’s so much they hold…and just like them old stars…I see that you’ve come so far…to be right where you are…”_

Now Myka was certain she couldn’t breathe, because the _weight_ , the _meaning_ that Helena was lacing her words with by the end of the line, it left little question in Myka’s mind that Helena was very clearly trying to _make a point_. 

Myka took a deep breath, if this was how they were choosing to communicate at this precise moment, she could do that. Right as she opened her mouth to join in this very weird, slightly dysfunctional, but seemingly _so very them_ version of communicating, the realization hit her that somehow she had never actually sang _with_ Helena. She couldn’t explain why, but it gave her pause, a pause long enough to take another deep breathe and dive forward, because for some reason she could not quite put her finger on, this felt like a step that meant something. She adjusted the angle of her arm slightly, to place her hand underneath Helena’s, linking their fingers tightly as she began to sing with her.

_“Well, I won’t give up on us…even if the skies get rough…I’m giving you all my love…I’m still looking up.”_

Myka chanced a quick look towards Helena, who was no longer staring out the window, but looking right back at her. Myka couldn’t tell if it was a trick of the light, or if she actually thought she saw a small glistening of tears in Helena’s eyes, but Helena turned away before she could be sure. Instead of focusing on it, she let her mind drift to how unbelievably _right_ their voices sounded together, and again she couldn’t quite explain why that hit her so hard, but she suddenly realized she was going to have a very hard time keeping her own tears at bay.

_“And when you’re needing your space…to do some navigating…I’ll here patiently waiting…to see what you find…”_

Myka practically rolled her eyes at the near insanity of just how perfect _that_ line was for their current situation. As Myka listened to the melody pulse and rise, she felt something tighten and release in her chest, something that she wasn’t quite sure how to get out.

_“‘Cause even the stars they burn…some even fall to the earth…we’ve got a lot to learn…but God knows we’re worth it…”_

And now she _was_ crying, because of course Helena would have chosen that precise moment to drop out, stop singing, and just listen to her singing, looking at her with that look which only Helena was capable of, a look laced with longing and desire and sadness and just a slight hint of swagger. Myka felt fairly certain that sometime in the immediate future her entire being was going to come crumbling down in the face of that look.

She couldn’t keep this up, so she just stopped, her voice breaking apart near the end of the line. She took in a deep breath as Helena’s voice came back in, filling the car, Helena’s voice was that was just absolutely _everything_ to her. It wasn’t until the end, the end when she was certain Helena needed to hear her, as much as she needed to hear Helena that she came back in, trying to control her voice as best as she could.

_“Well I won’t give up on us…God knows I’m tough enough…we got a lot to learn…but God knows we’re worth it…”_

Myka pulled up to Helena’s apartment and the second that the car was in park Helena was turning to her, facing her, resting her forehead against hers, whispering the last lines nearly against her lips.

_“I won’t give up on us…even if the skies get rough…I’m giving you all my love…I’m still looking up.”_

Myka took in a shuddering breath, feeling her own tears just as much as she could see Helena’s shining on her cheeks. She sighed, giving a small, watery laugh, “We are impossible.”

Helena chuckled softly, “Maybe so but we sound damn good while being impossible.”

“That is very, very true. I have no idea how on earth that was the first time we’ve ever sang together.”

“Apparently we were just waiting for the right song darling.” 

Myka’s laughter mingled with Helena’s breath. Myka took a deep breath, trying to gain some semblance of control, their proximity making things more difficult by the second, “I would say that that song qualified.”

Helena sighed deeply, turning her head away from Myka, “I wish I could just ask you to come upstairs, that it could be that easy.”

Myka closed her eyes tightly, willing herself to resist an offer she wasn’t sure she was truly capable of refusing, willing her brain to override what her heart so desperately wanted. She squeezed Helena’s hand, with a soft desperation, knowing her voice when it came would make it perfectly clear how badly she wanted to do what Helena wanted, “I do too…but we both know we can’t. That this isn’t that easy…no matter how desperately we want it to be.”

Helena pulled away from Myka, leaning back in her seat, tears slowly streaking down her cheeks, “I don’t know how we keep this up…being apart, everything feeling so uncertain.”

Myka reached out, thumbing away tears from Helena’s cheeks, feeling Helena leaning into her hesitant touch, “We do what we just said…sang, I guess…that we would. We don’t give up. We keep believing in us and in each other. I know this is hard, Helena, and I wish it didn’t have to be, but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it.” Myka realized absently that for one of the first times in their very short relationship, she felt like she was the one fighting, for once Helena was looking to her to be strong, while Helena slowly crumbled. For so long, Myka hadn’t been sure that was something that she was capable of anymore, but sitting in this car, in this silence, with Helena looking so unsure, so worried, Myka knew she _had_ to be strong, for Helena, for herself, for them. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind Helena’s ear, “It isn’t going to always be like this Swagger. We will make this work, I swear.”

Helena nodded against Myka’s palm, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, “How do you feel about that happening sooner, rather than later?”

Myka smiled softly, rolling her eyes slightly, “I would say that sounds like a great idea.”

Helena sighed, “I suppose I should get inside…”

“Ok. I’ll let you know when I get home.”

“You better.” Helena leaned back across the center console, there were some boundaries she simply wasn’t willing to leave uncrossed. She pressed her lips against Myka’s, thankful that Myka didn’t pull away or seem hesitant, but simply kissed her back with soft surety.

Helena finally dragged herself out of the car and up the stairs into her apartment, realizing only when she had unlocked her door that she honestly had no idea when she was going to see Myka next.

**

_“I’m home Swagger.”_

_“Good…the stairs to my building were icy, I was hoping the roads were ok.”_

_“They were a little slick…took me a little longer than usual.”_

_“See? Not everything about winter is as marvelous as you claim.”_

_“Hey, I never claimed ice had any merits…at least not when it comes to driving.”_

Myka waited, but there was no response. Quickly, she started typing again.

_“Helena…we’re going to be ok.”_

_“How can I do anything but agree when you sound so determined darling?”_

_“You can’t…however…I’m serious…I’m not going anywhere.”_

_“Neither am I…I would miss you far, far too much.”_

_“Again with the sweet talking…”_

_“One of my many, many talents.”_

_“Would it be terribly pathetic of me to state that I miss you now?”_

Myka rolled her eyes and groaned, God she sounded so sappy, thankfully Helena’s response indicated she didn’t particularly mind her sap.

_“Not pathetic at all since I miss you too.”_

_“We’re quite the pair aren’t we?”_

_“It’s what makes us, us, darling.”_

_“I suppose…I should probably let you get to bed.”_

_“I’m already in bed, however, sleeping would probably be a fairly decent decision.”_

_“Good night Helena.”_

_“Good night Sleepy.”_

Myka sighed and rested her head against her music stand where she sat at her piano, fingers dancing lightly over the keys. Helena might be going to bed, but Myka had had lyrics pacing around her mind all night, lyrics that she hoped, one day, one day soon, might make a difference in this delicate dance that she and Helena were doing. So, no, sleep would not be happening yet for her tonight…tonight she had more important things to do.

**

Myka knew that Jack and Rebecca would probably give her a hard time for showing up for this meeting in actual business attire, complete with leather notebook case, and an outline of what she was proposing, considering that even when she and Sam were their artists she rarely saw them in anything other than jeans and maybe occasionally a nice shirt, but this was different, and she needed them to realize, immediately, that this was different. 

She knew she could probably just go in to their office, but she didn’t want to be presumptuous and, again, she wanted to do this _right_ , so she gave her name to their secretary, a new girl she didn’t know and she sat and waited. If she was honest, she had to stifle a laughter behind a fake cough when the new girl pressed the intercom and said seriously, “Ms. St. Clair, Mr. Secord, your 2:30, Myka Bering is here,” because God, it had been a really long time since they had observed such formalities, but this girl didn’t know that. She shook her head incredulously when she heard Rebecca’s laughter over the speaker, “Thank you Lexie, you can send her in.”

The new girl, Lexie, seemed oblivious to Rebecca’s reaction, as she looked at Myka with a serious nod, “They’ll see you now Ms. Bering.”

Myka just gave her a soft smile, choosing to ignore the fact that she had no desire to ever be called _Ms. Bering_ ever again, “Thank you.”

Myka walked in to the office, and it was like walking into a previous life. Jack was where he always was, sitting on the corner of Rebecca’s desk, nowhere near his own desk, leaning over Rebecca’s shoulder where she sat at the computer. When she walked in they both gave her apologetic looks, coupled with laughter that could no longer be contained. Rebecca shook her head, “Sorry about that, clearly our new secretary is, well, _new_.”

Myka chuckled and settled into one of the chairs in front of Rebecca’s desk, “It’s no problem. Just tell her that she’s more than welcome to call me Myka next time.”

Jack nodded, then eyed Myka carefully, taking in her outfit, her binder, her overall demeanor, “Should I be sitting behind my own desk for this? Because you look like you’re armed and ready for quite the meeting.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “No, you’re good, but I want you guys to know that I didn’t ask you for this meeting lightly. I’ve been giving what I’m about to propose a lot of thought, and I want you both to know how serious I am about it. I don’t want you thinking that this is a whim or something I’ve rushed into.”

Rebecca pulled a notebook from her top drawer and clicked her pen, “Alright then, Myka. Let’s hear this proposal then.”

Myka took a deep breath, pulling two pieces of paper out of her binder and handing them across the desk, “I know we’ve talked about this before, about me coming back to the label, doing some writing, well, I believe that I’m ready to talk about what that might look like, and possibly if it might be as something a bit more than just a writer.”

Jack’s eyes lit up, never one to hide his exuberance, “As _more_ than a writer?”

Myka chuckled, “Yes, just hear me out. The last few months, working with Liam, watching Helena and the band, giving them input when they ask for it, it’s made me realize that I _love_ doing that. What I do at the Regents with Vanessa, scouting, trying to find that next person, that next group that has _it_ , I’ve come to realize that I’ve developed a passion for it. Helping kids get started, helping them figure out who they are, I want to do that, but in a wider, more concrete capacity, rather than just hanging out at the Regents and seeing what happens.”

Rebecca finished one last note, then put her pen down, “So what you’re saying is you’d like to work as a kind of scout, as a consultant of sorts?”

“Yes, I would continue to do what I do at the Regents, but I’d be willing to expand that, go to other open mics around the city, other venues, and if I was working for you guys, then obviously, I would be looking exclusively for artists that would fit the label. Right now, Vanessa usually handles that side of things, and it’s a bit of a free for all, but I’ve talked to her about this, and she said that if I was working for you guys, we could make that work. I would still give her input on artists, but if there were any that we thought would fit in here, she would leave that to me.”

Jack gave Rebecca a small glance, then peered back at Myka, “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

Myka nodded, “I have. For far too long, I’ve let my life sit in a kind of holding pattern, and after Sam…I tried to convince myself that being a part of all this, music, bands, the industry, wasn’t what I wanted, that I wasn’t really all that passionate about it. For a long time that convincing worked, however, lately, it’s started to wear off. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I want my life to look like, and I’ve realized that I want it to be more than the store. Do not get me wrong, I love the store, it saved me, and it will always be home, but I want to do more.”

Rebecca glanced over the proposal Myka had handed them, “What about writing, Myka? You know that’s what Jack and I have always wanted; how much we hated losing that side of you.”

Myka smiled, “That parts a bit easier. To put it simply, I haven’t stopped writing, and I’m more than happy to bring what I’ve got backlogged here, update my catalog, and then continue on in that capacity as well.”

Rebecca smiled, but it was hesitant, like she _wanted_ to be exuberant, but had to be _sure_ , “What about the store though, Myka? How _does_ that fit in here?”

“My plan, for right now, is to hire more people. Right now, I have an extremely small staff, because most of the time I’m there, and if I’m not Claudia is, and Claudia and I never really thought we would need more than just the two of us. However, with how things seem to be going for the band, I’ve realized that even if my life doesn’t change, I’m going to need someone to replace Claudia. I’m thinking about looking for a manager. I would still keep up the overall running of the place, orders, deliveries, that type of thing, but I need someone who can deal with more of the day to day items, the things that Claudia deals with. I won’t lie, I plan on still spending the majority of my time there, however, if I have more employees I can use the time they’re there to dedicate to being here, in the writing rooms working, consulting with other writers, just generally being present.”

Jack chuckled softly, “Myka, you know that Rebecca and I would never want to put that many constraints on you. It doesn’t need to be that formal. You can be here, you can work from home, we’re happy as long as you’re writing, and we’re reaping some of the benefits of that.”

Myka smiled with a soft nod, “I know that, I do, but if I do this, I want to do it right, and part of that is actually being here, working with the other writers, being available if artists have questions about a song they want to use. If I’m going to be a part of this label again, then I’m going to be here.”

Rebecca finally let a full smile steal across her face, “I have to say Myka, I honestly wasn’t sure that this day would ever come, but now that it has, I think…I think I’m rather speechless.”

Myka held up her hands, “If you guys need time to discuss this, work out details, please, by all means take as long as you want.”

Rebecca then actually burst out laughing, “You think we need _time_? Oh Myka, no, I think I can speak for both of us when I say we’re in, we’re absolutely in. This,” she lifted up Myka’s proposal, “it’s fantastic, and I think strikes a good compromise between your needs and ours. Obviously, we’ll need a little time to draw up a contract, because as you said, some formalities are necessary, and clearly you’ll need some time to find new employees, but I think it’s safe to say we can move forward with this.”

Jack clapped his hands together, “Becs is right, obviously we all have some details to work out, but I think it’s safe to say at this point, Myka, welcome back to St. Secord.”

Myka smiled brightly, “Thank you, both of you, truly. You guys have been so patient and you haven’t pushed and you’ve just let this happen, and I cannot tell you how excited I am. You guys have been my family for a long time, and I’m glad I’m finally ready to come back.”

Rebecca smiled, a slightly watery smile, “We’re so glad to have you back, Myka. Now…when do you think you’ll truly be _back_?”

Myka nodded considering, “Before we settle on anything official, I do want to talk to Helena first. I just…I feel like I need to talk to her about this before we start going through any kind of details.”

Jack nodded, “Totally understandable. Talk to her and just let us know.”

Rebecca smiled slyly, “Absolutely. Whatever you two decide. However, just so we can start getting things put together on our end, should things go well with that conversation, what kind of time table are we looking at most likely?”

Myka paused, doing the math with the dates, “Let’s give the consulting a couple of weeks, that way we can work out the details of how that works. The writing, my being here, that’s going to depend on my hiring people. Can you give me until the beginning of March?”

Jack shrugged, “That’s only a month, that sounds reasonable.”

Rebecca nodded, “Sounds good to me. We’ll start drawing up a contract, and we’ll just say your employment starts March 1. We’ll pro-rate you for any consulting jobs you might do in February. As long as you and Helena are ok with that, does that sound acceptable?”

Myka smiled brightly, “That sounds perfect.” Myka glanced down at her watch, she knew that even though they’d claim otherwise, Jack and Rebecca most likely had other meetings and she’d taken up enough of their time. She stood, “Ok, obviously, we’ll be in touch, but I’m going to let you guys get back to work.”

They both stood simultaneously, moving around Rebecca’s desk. Jack gave Myka an incredulous look, “I realize we’re being _formal_ here, but does that mean I have to shake your hand rather than hug you right now?”

Myka rolled her eyes and simply moved into the hug Jack was offering, muttering, “You are as impossible as ever…”

Rebecca pulled her away from Jack and squeezed her tightly, “Isn’t it good to know that some things never change?”

Myka hugged her tightly, “Good point.”

After the door had shut soundly behind Myka, Jack turned to Rebecca shock and exuberance playing across his face. He threw his arms open and Rebecca fell into them easily, both of them laughing happily. Rebecca muttered against his shoulder, “I really, _really_ never thought this would happen.”

Jack pressed a kiss to the top of her head, “Me neither…but here we are.”

Rebecca chuckled, “It’s the girl. That woman has completely turned our dear Myka Bering’s life around.”

**

Myka picked up her phone, only to put it back down for what she estimated was at least the hundredth time in the last hour. She looked at the clock, shaking her head, she knew Helena was home from work, but what she didn’t know was whether or not she should call. Part of her knew she shouldn’t, because, well time, space, distance, all those stupid words that had taken on far too much meaning over the last week. The other part of her though knew she should, because part of what led them to the time, space, and distance was a lack of communication, and she had told Helena she would be honest with her, and talk to her, and well, Myka was fairly certain that going back to work at St. Secord qualified as something she needed to be honest about, something that she should talk to Helena about. She rolled her eyes, muttering, “This is insane. It should not take me an hour to decide whether or not to call my girlfriend.” She picked up her phone and dialed, falling gracelessly on to the couch, propping her head up on the pillows. 

As the phone rang on, she idly wondered if Helena had already gone to bed, or if maybe she wasn’t home from work yet, only to have her thoughts chased away by Helena’s voice coming through, “Hello Sleepy.”

Myka smiled contentedly, somehow that voice, that _tone_ just made every care and concern in her head float away, “Hey…how are you?”

Helena groaned pathetically, “ _Tired_ , work was…abysmal this evening.”

“Yikes…I’m sorry. What happened?”

“I have two words for you darling, bachelor party.”

Myka couldn’t help the laughter that spilled out of her mouth, “Wow…I’m sorry, for the laughter and for those two words. Seriously though, on a Thursday?”

“Friday afternoon wedding apparently…believe me I heard _all_ the details, none of which I wanted, and I’m sure you don’t want them either, nor do I particularly care to relive them. Therefore, I’m going to stop talking, and simply be thankful that after a half hour shower, I am relatively free from smelling like beer.”

“I believe that definitely qualifies as something to be thankful for.”

“Indeed. So, save me from relieving the utter hell of my evening and tell me how you are.”

Myka sighed softly, “I’m good, really good actually, which I feel kind of bad about now that I know what a shitty night you had.”

“No need to apologize darling, maybe your mood shall rub off on me. Any particular reason for said good mood?”

Myka took a deep breath, “That’s actually why I was calling. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Talk away darling…save me from memories of fraternity boys partying.”

Myka chuckled, “So…do you remember how last night I spent a good portion of the evening talking with Jack and Rebecca?”

Helena laughed lightly, “And thus leaving me to my own devices with Peter? Yes, I well remember.”

“Well, hopefully that sacrifice on your part will seem worth it once I tell you the rest. Also, I _will_ make it up to you…the Pete aspect of last night, because, well, I’m sure it was an interesting evening.”

“I’m not sure interesting covers it, so I will take you up on the making it up to me, however, why don’t you finish your story first.”

“Right. Ok, well, I last night I was talking to them about setting up a meeting, which ended up happening a little quicker than I imagined, and when I say quicker, I mean it happened today.”

Myka could imagine Helena’s forehead crinkling in curiosity, she could hear it in her tone, “What kind of meeting?”

Myka took another deep breath, “A meeting about whether or not they would be open to me coming back to work.”

“Back to work?” Helena’s tone was a strangled mixture of confusion, surprise, and shock.

“Yes. It’s something we’ve talked about on and off for years, but it’s something that I never really had considered until recently. It has mostly been them asking and me saying absolutely not, but now…well, now I’m ready, now I’ve realized it’s what I want.”

“So, what exactly does that look like? I mean, what does this mean precisely?”

“Well, it’s kind of a two-pronged thing. The first is kind of just an expansion of what I do at the Regents anyway, but on a more formal basis, and primarily for their label now.”

“Like a talent scout of sorts? A consultant?”

“Basically. They would send me out to shows and I would scope out if there was anyone I think would fit in at the label. The other half of this is I would come back as a writer. I would give them access to the stuff I’ve written since I left the label, and then I would write exclusively for them. I would spend time there working with other writers, artists that they want to hone their writing skills, and of course, just doing things on my own. I’d put in my time building up a catalog for their artists to have access to, like what happened with Liam.”

Myka could practically _hear_ the gears turning in Helena’s head as she tried to figure out what all of this meant. Myka couldn’t tell if she was particularly sold on the idea yet, but there _was_ a hint of hope in her voice, “What would this mean for the store, Myka?”

“It would mean a few changes, mostly in the form of hiring more staff to pick up some extra shifts when I can’t be here, and honestly? I needed to do that anyway, because with you guys taking off, I’m going to need to give Claudia a break at some point. I’m also contemplating the idea of hiring a manager, someone who can oversee day-to-day items, freeing up some of my time so I can focus on my work for St. Secord.”

There was a long pause that Myka chose not to break, giving Helena time to process. Eventually, when she spoke, Myka was _certain_ she heard hope in her voice, “And this is what you want, truly?”

Myka smiled deeply, “It is. I owe a lot of it to Liam, honestly, because all of this with him, it’s made me realize this is what I love to do. I mean, I love the store, and that is never going to go away, but I want to do more. Do I picture myself ever going back on stage full-time? No, I’m fairly certain _that_ part of my life is over. However, I don’t think I want to live the rest of my life completely divorced from something I loved, _love_ , so much.”

“Myka…I think…I think this is fantastic. I don’t really think I know what else to say? I mean…wow.”

Myka bit down on her lip, eyes closing against the pressure. She knew she didn’t _need_ to ask the next question, but she still wanted to, “So, you’re ok with it?”

Helena’s laughter rang through the phone, “Oh darling, I think I’m going to pretend that you didn’t ask that question. Myka, if this is what makes you happy, then I am behind you one hundred percent. Not to mention the fact that I do truly think that it’s wonderful. You have so much talent and you are so good with the people at the café, that shouldn’t stay closed off from the world.”

“Thank you…” Myka paused, considering, and then figured to hell with it, “And Helena, I know I didn’t need to ask, but I _wanted_ to because this decision…it’s about what I want my future to look like, what I want my life to be, and since you are a huge, very significant part of what I want that life, that future to look like…well…I wanted your input.”

Myka heard Helena attempt to discreetly clear her throat, and she wondered if it was a coincidence or an effort to tamp down emotion, “Darling…my input is that as long as it makes you happy, then I am in full support. I will stand beside you whatever you choose to do. We will make whatever iteration of the future that happens work.”

Myka swiped a thumb below her eyes, God this woman made her cry far too much, “You’re kind of incredible, do you know that?”

Helena laughed lightly, “I could say the same for you.”

Eventually, when Myka finally looked at her watch, she couldn’t quite believe that they’d been on the phone for over an hour. She would have kept talking, but Helena was getting less and less adept at stifling her yawning. Myka chuckled, “Alright Swagger, bed time.”

“Though I am loathe to admit it, that would probably be a very good idea.”

“Sleep tight. Hopefully tomorrow is slightly less _beer_ filled.”

“Hopefully. Good night Sleepy.”

“G’night.”

Myka disconnected and settled deeper into the couch. Today had been a huge step. There was just one more thing she needed to do, and then maybe, _finally_ , this distance could get a little bit smaller.

**

When Pete walked into The Warehouse Saturday morning the last thing he had expected to see was Myka behind the counter laughing with Helena and Claudia, while Claudia animatedly told a story that Helena was desperately trying to get her to not tell. 

“Seriously, Myka you should have seen her!”

Myka held her stomach trying to catch her breath, while Helena rolled her eyes and tapped her foot against her ankle, trying to act like she didn’t care, “It was not _that_ big of a deal.”

Claudia bumped into her shoulder where they sat next to each other on the counter, “Oh you’re just pissed because I’m embarrassing you in front of Myka.”

Pete watched as Myka grasped lightly at Helena’s knee, smiling, trying to choke back her laughter, “I swear Swagger your secret is safe with me.”

Pete shook his head, looking at his watch, he wondered if he had gotten the date wrong. No, definitely February fifth, and yet here Myka was, very _present_ , and seemingly very _happy_. He walked up to the counter, eyeing Myka surreptitiously, “Mornin’ ladies.”

A chorus of “hey Pete’s” greeted him, followed by a soft smile from Myka. He returned the smile with an arch of his eyebrow, “How ya doin’ Mykes?”

She gave him a small, knowing nod, “I’m good.”

“You hanging out with us this morning?”

Myka looked down at her watch, “For a little bit, and then I need to head out.”

Pete nodded as he pulled his backpack around to reach for something inside. He dug for a second, while Claudia and Helena resumed their conversation. He finally found what he was looking for, a custom made pair of drumsticks, painted in black, silver, and purple. He slid them across the counter to Myka, “I went with Rockies colors this year. Figured it’s almost spring training.”

Myka gave him a tight smile, the muscles in her jaw clenching around an unspoken emotion, “Thanks Pete. He would have liked that.”

“I figured.” He shot a sidelong glance at Helena and then turned back to Myka with raised eyebrows, unspoken question passing between them. Myka nodded slowly. Pete gave her a small thumbs up, then turned to Claudia, “Hey Claude, give me a hand setting up.”

“No problem Petester!” Claudia hopped down from the counter and headed towards the back while Pete leaned across the counter and pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek whispering, “Love you tall gal.”

Myka gave a watery laugh, “Love you too.”

As Pete headed towards the back, Myka turned to face a very confused looking Helena. She kicked lightly at Myka’s thigh, “Did I miss something? What just happened there? And why is Pete giving you drumsticks?”

Myka took a deep breath, “Today is kind of a special day. Ok, I’m not really sure _special_ is the right word, but oh well. Helena…today’s Sam’s birthday.”

Immediately, concern and worry passed over Helena’s face, her hand reaching out to grasp Myka’s, her tone coming out laced with unease, “Darling…”

“No, it’s ok. I hasn’t always been ok, but this year…it is, honestly. However, I do have a bit of a ritual today, which is why I won’t be sticking around this morning, I just wanted to stay long enough to see you for a bit _and_ explain why I was heading out.”

Helena squeezed Myka’s hand, “Whatever you need to do Sleepy. Can I ask though? The drumsticks?”

Myka chuckled, giving them a small twirl with her free hand, “When we were in college Sam turned Pete on to this little company that custom makes drumsticks. You can seriously request any kind of design and they’ll make them. It became a thing with them. Every year, Pete custom makes a pair for me to take with me out to…well, with me.”

Helena nodded, knowing far too well what Myka wasn’t saying, knowing far too well what that kind of ritual could mean when you’d lost someone, “That’s lovely of him.”

“Pete’s a big softie, he’ll just never admit it.”

Helena ran her thumb over the back of Myka’s hand, “Thank you for telling me, for sharing this…I know…I know it’s not easy.”

Myka smiled softly, “Thank you for understanding.”

Helena let a small puff of air escape her lips that might have been a sigh or light laughter, “I understand more than you know darling. There will come a day this summer where I will go through my own little ritual…”

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “And I’ll be there for whatever you need…even if what that is is for me to leave you be.”

“Thank you darling. However, this isn’t about what I need at the moment. Can I do anything today? What do _you_ need today Myka?”

Myka lifted up their entwined hands and pressed a kiss to the back of Helena’s hand, “I’ve gotten what I need. I needed to see you. The rest of the day though…like I said, I have a bit of a ritual. I pick up some flowers, I take the sticks, I sit out there for a little while, and then I kind of take the day for myself. Sometimes I’ll actually listen to some of our stuff, but it depends on my mood. Mostly, I just keep to myself…”

“Perfectly normal and perfectly understandable. So, I should probably stop holding you up. If you feel like talking when you get home or before you go to bed, just call.”

“Ok,” Myka leaned up and pressed a light kiss to Helena’s lips, “Have a good rehearsal Swagger.”

Myka gave Pete and Claudia a quick wave goodbye, grabbed the sticks from the counter, and headed out, feeling for the first time since Sam had died that she was actually ready to take on this day, and not only survive it, but make it through still feeling whole.

**

Myka walked up the slight incline of the hill that led into the cemetery. It thankfully wasn’t as cold as it was some years, and the pathways were clear of snow. She tugged her scarf, loosening it around her neck, as she crested the hill and immediately turned to the right, following a tiny path that led to a small grouping of trees where a bench rested in front of where Sam’s parents had decided to lay him. They were very adamant that there be trees and a view of the mountains, and they had asked if they could install the bench so that people could come and sit. Every year, Myka said a silent word of thanks to them for that, because though she would have done it, she was glad not to have to sit in the snow.

Her feet slowed, her heart always at this point wanting to tug her back to the car, and away from the cruel reality that always sunk back in at this moment. The reality that he was gone. The reality that no matter what happened, no matter how much time had passed, she missed him. She sighed, feeling tears already welling in her eyes as she walked up and ran a light hand across the top of the marble stone, “Happy Birthday Martino.” She took in a deep breath ,wiping idly at her cheeks, “Just like always it took me forever to find daisies in the winter, and I spent way too much money on them, however, you always bought them for me…therefore…” She placed the small bouquet of flowers in the vase that resided next to the stone. She knew the flowers never survived long, but it was part of her ritual, because it had been part of _their_ ritual. For any occasion, big or small, Sam had bought her daisies—first date, anniversaries, when they moved into their apartment, when they signed their record deal, when they fought, when he had worked too late—without fail there were daisies, and she wasn’t going to stop that tradition, just because their world together had stopped. She pulled the drumsticks from her back pocket, “Pete went with Rockies’ colors this year, figured you’d appreciate it so close to spring training. He misses you…he doesn’t say it a lot…because well, I don’t think he really knows how, or whether or not he _should_ , but I can tell, he does.” She nestled the sticks in next to the flowers and finally sank onto the bench. 

She heard footsteps coming up behind her and she gave a tiny puff of laughter, same ritual, different year. Before she even saw her she acknowledged she was there, “Hey Abigail.”

She felt a hand come to rest on her shoulder, and she reached up giving it a light squeeze, Abigail’s voice coming from behind her, “Hey there…”

Myka watched as Abigail moved around the bench, pausing momentarily, head bowed in front of the stone, before she kneeled down in front of it speaking softly, “Hey Sam…it’s Abby.” Myka laughed softly around her tears...only for Sam would Abigail use that name. She turned to watch the clouds pass, giving Abigail her own moment of quiet with him, even though she could hear her words, “I see Pete was his usual self…drumsticks at the ready. I guess I can’t make fun of him since I kept up my end of things.” Myka looked over and watched as Abigail nestled a small container of picks between the flowers. Myka shook her head, they all did whatever they could to remember, and for Abigail it was remembering that no matter where they were, no matter what they were doing, she always kept a spare box of picks at the ready, because inevitably Sam would misplace his or break too many or have simply forgotten to pack them. She read him the riot act each time, but she never stopped keeping a supply handy. Abigail ran a light hand over Sam’s name, “I brought ‘em just in case you forgot…”

Abigail stood and wiped at her cheeks, sitting down next to Myka, both of them sitting in silence. This was what they did. They never coordinated a time, but somehow every year they showed up together. Abigail rested her hand over Myka’s where it lay between them, “How are you?”

Myka sighed softly, “I’m ok. I think sometimes I’m surprised when the emotions of all of it sneak up on me. I mean, Jesus, I started crying the second I walked up the hill, but at the same time…I don’t know…I’m just…I’m ok.”

“It’s hard to believe it’s been as long as it has…but I guess...”

Myka nodded, “Time passes…”

Abigail gave Myka’s hand a tiny squeeze, then removed her hold. She chuckled, “I see Pete did his usual? What was it this year?”

“Rockies themed.”

Abigail’s laughter hit Myka’s ears in a strangely comforting way, “Them and their baseball.”

“Oh yeah…hours and hours poured over their statistics and they’re godforsaken fantasy teams.”

“God I will never forget when I actually had to drag Sam out of his dressing room for a show, all because he wasn’t sure if one of his pitchers was starting.”

Myka laughed soundly around the memory, “If there was one thing that could come between Sam and the stage it was baseball.”

Silence fell around them, both of them caught up in their own thoughts, their own memories, until eventually Abigail broke the quiet, “So how are things going with that woman at the Regents?”

Myka turned a surprised, slightly shocked look to Abigail. She hadn’t talked to Abigail since she and Helena had started seeing each other, and so she hadn’t figured Abigail knew and she wasn’t sure how to tell her, or _if_ she should tell her considering their past. Realization dawned slowly, “Lord, did Jack and Rebecca tell you?”

Abigail threw her head back in laughter, “At some point they mentioned it, but trust me I already knew.”

“ _How_? Because I feel the need to point out it has been far too long since we’ve talked.”

“I know…I’m sorry about that, life has been a little crazy, but we’ll get to that. _Anyway_ , I knew because I was at the café in December when you played, and trust me anyone who was there that night and even paying the slightest amount of attention could tell you were in love with her.”

Myka shook her head, “That’s impressive considering I’m not sure _she_ knew I was that night.”

“Oh trust me…she knew. So…is that something she _still_ knows…you guys are still together right? I’m not making a complete ass of myself with this conversation right now am I?”

Myka chuckled, “No, you’re not. We’re still together. Things have been a little _odd_ lately, but definitely together, most definitely still with the crazy in love thing I’ve got going on. Not that I’ve told her that….”

Abigail sighed and rolled her eyes, but when she spoke her tone was light, teasing, “I am not even going to bother to ask why not because I know you, and somehow I am not surprised.”

Myka gave her a mock offended glare and bumped into her shoulder, “Hey! Give me a break…I’m taking my time, that’s all.”

“Uh huh. Myka Bering the queen of taking her time,” Abigail winked. 

Myka grimaced, feeling like despite her tone Abigail was saying more than she was actually _saying_ , “Abigail….”

Abigail chuckled, smacking lightly at Myka’s knee, “Oh do not give me that tone Myka. I’m _teasing_ you, so get that wounded, worried look off of your face. You take all the time you need, Lord knows I did with Elise and well, I can’t say it was the wrong decision.”

Myka arched an eyebrow towards her, “Elise, huh? It has officially been way too long since we’ve talked because I didn’t realize that was still happening.”

Abigail smiled serenely, “Definitely still happening. That’s actually why I had to bail out of the Regents so early in December and didn’t get a chance to see you. She had been on a work trip and her flight got in late, so I was on airport duty.”

“Sounds like things are going well.”

“They are, more than well actually. I mean, things are kind of getting serious. I guess I should say they are serious, I mean Jesus we’re living together, and we’ve been talking about getting married so definitely serious…”

“Married?! Abigail! How on earth can you bury the lead like that? You say things are going _well_ , and then just casually mention you’re thinking about getting _married_?”

Abigail chuckled, “We’re just talking about it. Her job is a bit crazy, she travels a lot, but then again, my job is a little crazy, so it works. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“No, God, don’t apologize. Congratulations. That…that’s amazing.”

“Thanks. I’m kind of crazy about her, lucky for me she finds my insanity endearing.”

Myka nodded softly, mind drifting to Helena and her propensity to be fond of Myka’s ‘particular brand of crazy.’ She sighed, “I know a little bit about that…it’s not exactly easy finding someone who totally goes along with your crazy.”

“Once you’ve found them, you can’t let them go, they might be the only person out there who can stand you, right?”

Myka laughed, “Yeah, exactly.”

Abigail blew against her hands, rubbing them together, “It’s getting cold.” She looked down at her watch, “And I have a client meeting in an hour…so I should probably get going. Are you going to stay or are you ready to head out too?”

Myka shook her head, “I’m going to stay for a little bit longer, but you go. I’m good.”

Abigail stood and pulled Myka up with her, hugging her tightly, “It was good to see you, Myka, and seriously never again do we go this long not talking. I don’t like it.”

Myka nodded, “Absolutely, I promise, never again.”

“Good.” Abigail stepped back and moved towards the stone again, leaning down with a hand over the top of it, whispering, “Love you Sam…” She stood and turned to walk away with another wave to Myka, but quickly turned back around, “Myka, look maybe it’s not my place, but if you love that woman, tell her. We know far too well what can happen if we let time get away from us, right?”

Myka wiped a stray tear from her cheek, “Right. You’re right. Thanks Abigail.”

Abigail squeezed her hand, “Anytime.”

Myka sank back down onto the bench with a sigh. She suddenly felt very, very foolish. For so long she had been carrying around the baggage of what she had done to Abigail, thinking that it had destroyed their friendship, that she had broken her heart, that it was a pain that was inescapable, and yet they were fine. They were more than fine, and Abigail was happy, deliriously happy it would seem. Abigail had _moved on_ , while Myka had just let herself stay stuck, mired in the weight of the past, and in the process almost lost the woman she loved. For the first time, Myka realized she was carrying baggage that was so unnecessary, so _pointless_ now, and she needed to let it go. 

She stood up, and kneeled down despite the snow, in front of Sam’s stone. She ran a light finger over his name, tracing out the letters she knew so well. Before she could truly process what she was doing, she started talking, “I’ve met someone. Jesus, that makes it sound like not a big deal, ok, I’m with someone, and God, Sam she makes me so happy. Happier than I thought was ever possible, after everything that happened with us. She’s made me remember what it feels like to love someone, to _be loved_ , by someone. You were the one who taught me that, but you were also the one that made me forget it. I hate what you did to me, still, but I love you. I wish that things weren’t like this. I wish you were here, and I could say this to your face, that you could tell me that I’m being crazy and that I need to just move on and let go, and just be with Helena because that’s what makes me happy. But, I guess, maybe I don’t need you to tell me that anymore, maybe I’ve finally just realized it. I do miss you. I miss you all the time, when Pete does something crazy or when I hear a certain song on the radio or when I play my piano, but I know….it’s time to let you go, Sam. I know…I know you’re always with me, but I can’t keep this weight around me all the time, this weight that’s us, our history, our past. I love Helena. I love her so much I don’t know what to do with myself, and I just want to be happy. I want to have a life…with her.” Myka took in a deep breath, letting her tears continue to fall, though they were starting to freeze on her cheeks. She ran her hand against Sam’s name one more time, “You brought me this far, your love, your memory, the life we shared, but I think I’m finally ready to start the next part of my life. Thank you, Martino, for helping me write the first part of it, but now…now I have to let Helena start writing a little bit of it with me.” 

Myka stood up, brushing the snow from her jeans, her fingertips running over the top of the stone a final time, “Goodbye Sam.” She took a deep breath and started walking down the hill back to her car, and for the first time ever, she didn’t look back.

**

Myka replayed through the closing bars she had just written, wanting to make sure that it sounded right, that it struck the right tone. She couldn’t remember a time she ever wanted a song to sound so perfect, but she knew there was more at stake in this song than usual. She adjusted a few settings on her phone, then switched it over to record. She figured it would be good to have a full version to listen back to in order to pick up on any changes she wanted to make that she might not hear while just singing it through over and over. She recorded two versions, she figured she could decide which she liked best later. For now, it was enough to know it was _done_. However, now that it _was_ done, she had to figure out _when_ , when to let Helena hear it, when would be the right time for her to push against these boundaries just a little in the hopes of putting an end to the chaotic dance they’d been doing. She sighed, maybe she’d just _know_ , maybe the moment would just come up on its own. Maybe…all she knew was that she was ready, ready for the next step, ready for this current step to be over, ready for them to just go back to being them, but hopefully possibly a newer, better, clearer version of them.

She looked at her watch, it was way too late, and she needed to go to bed. She doubted Helena was still up, but she couldn’t help seeing if maybe…

_“Hey Swagger…after a ridiculously long day I am finally getting ready for bed…I’m sure you’re already sleeping…but I wanted to say good night…I hope you had a good day, that rehearsal wasn’t too crazy…I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”_

She sighed and curled up underneath her covers. It _had_ been a long day, but it had been a freeing day, a day she hadn’t been sure she was ever going to be ready for, yet now that it was here, she knew it had been time. She turned to turn off her bedside lamp, giving one last lingering look to the picture of her and Helena that stood next to her pile of books on the nightstand, then fell back against her pillows, only to have her phone buzzing pull her back out of their comfort.

_“I realize it is a miracle, but I am still awake…just up reading for a little while.”_

Myka leaned back into her pillows, smiling deeply.

_“You’re never up this late…at least not when you have a choice about it.”_

_“Couldn’t sleep…”_

_“Any particular reason?”_

_“If I’m being perfectly honest? Worried about you…”_

Myka chuckled around a sigh, of course Helena would be keeping herself up with worry, of course she would be the reason for that worry. She gave a silent word of thanks that she had decided to text her, otherwise Helena might have stayed up all night.

_“I should have known I would be the cause of you being up too late…it’s usually my fault.”_

_“Too true darling. How are you?”_

_“Will you believe me if I said I’m ok? If I said that I’m actually more than ok? Aside from being struck with a terrible case of wishing you were here…”_

_“I’ll admit to being surprised that you are, but if you say you’re ok, then I trust you. Given that I am still awake…I could come over, if you are in such a terrible state of missing me…”_

Myka sighed, wondering if this was the moment she was waiting for, but deciding against it. Not yet. 

_“I am…however…it’s late and it’s snowing and we should both probably just go bed.”_

_“Ok…well…if you become overwhelmed with your missing me, just call.”_

_“You’ll regret that offer if I wake you up at three am…”_

_“Most likely, however, I’d get over it.”_

_“And lock it away for future ammunition to bring up at the most convenient of times.”_

_“You know me far too well darling…alright…get some sleep love, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”_

_“Good night Swagger.”_

_“Good night darling. Sleep tight.”_

**

Helena sighed, a quiet, barely noticeable wisp of a thing. She knew she was being an ungracious host, not that Claudia or Leena seemed to notice, but she _felt_ it nonetheless. She couldn’t help it, not that she didn’t appreciate the company or the little routine the three of them had seemed to have started, what with the Sunday night pizza coupled with a couple of bottles of wine and at least one horribly awful sci-fi movie, but Helena just couldn’t help this _tugging_ she was feeling. This tugging that she knew was indicative of the fact that she had already grown extremely tired of spending her weekends without Myka, especially now that she knew Myka wasn’t at her parents this evening, but possibly home, by herself, distinctly not with Helena, and well, that fact alone was starting to grate on Helena’s nerves. Her mind was starting to betray her pathetic attempt at appearing involved in Claudia and Leena’s conversation, as it began to weave for her all the vast and various _activities_ she and Myka could be partaking in if they were not in this woeful position of being on different ends of the city at this precise moment. So distracting were the images in her mind that she had zero grasp of the fact that Claudia was very clearly trying to get her attention.

“Yo! Earth to H.G.!” Claudia snapped her fingers in front of Helena’s face and her very faraway gaze.

Helena shook her head distractedly, “Sorry Claudia, what were you saying?”

Claudia rolled her eyes and gave Leena an incredulous look that practically screamed ‘see I told you she wasn’t paying attention.’ Claudia chuckled, “Honestly, I think the look on your face right now might answer my question for me, but I was asking how things were with you and our dear, darling Myka? Things seemed pretty good yesterday morning.”

Helena smiled softly, considering, “I would say that things are certainly better than they were last week at this exact time.”

Leena looked at Helena closely, treading carefully over her next few words, “Claudia was telling me that Myka seemed _different_ …”

Helena thought back over the last week, the small things that she had noticed too, the sometimes quite big things that had changed. She thought about Myka’s new found propensity to actually _talk_ about what was going on with her, about her desire to include Helena in those things. Helena felt her forehead crinkle, “I wouldn’t say different necessarily, but she seems a bit more free to me. She’s had a bit of a big week, and I think some of the things that have happened, well, they’ve caused her to make some adjustments.”

Claudia waggled her eyebrows in near perfect imitation of Pete, “ _Adjustments_ , huh? Is that your way of telling us that you guys are back on the same page?”

Helena laughed softly and shook her head, “ _No_ , however, I believe we’re quite close to that point…we shall see.”

**

Myka sighed heavily as she looked at her watch and at her store which was very devoid of a certain person’s presence. Claudia gave her a sympathetic look across the aisle as they continued to set up a display for a new brand of guitars that Claudia had decided they should carry. Myka just shrugged her shoulders dejectedly and bent down to lift up another box. Maybe she should be getting use to this…another Monday without Helena.

**

Myka barely noticed when the bell over the door rang Tuesday afternoon. She had convinced herself that drowning in work would be the best form of distraction from the fact that she felt like she had no idea what Helena was thinking. They had talked last night and things had seemed _ok_ , but she couldn’t feel quite so certain about it. She realized she was most likely reading far too deeply into the situation than was necessary simply because she was _nervous_. She had decided that tonight she was just going to throw caution to the wind and _try_. The song was ready, she felt ready, and well, all she could really do was _see_ if Helena was ready. So she knew, _she knew_ , that when she tried to decipher and decode everything that Helena had said last night, trying to figure out her tone and her meaning, it was really just her own huge weight of self-consciousness trying to convince her that what she was about to do tonight was crazy. 

“Myka, my dear, how’s life?”

Myka practically jumped, she had absolutely no idea Hugo was standing in front of her, “Wow, I am a really horrible shop owner if I am oblivious to customers standing right in front of me.”

Hugo laughed and waved a dismissive hand her way, “I wouldn’t exactly call myself a _customer_ dear, more like an ardent admirer of the goods you happen to sell, since you rarely take my money anymore.”

Myka smirked, “That is true…”

“So, let’s start over shall we? How’s life? The last time I was here you claimed things were _complicated_ …any progress there?”

“I think things could be on the brink of becoming uncomplicated, _or_ if I completely fuck everything up, they’re about to get even more complicated, time will tell I suppose.”

Hugo rolled his eyes, “Ah the perils of being young and in love. Good luck with that my dear.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Thanks, I think I’m going to need it.”

“Somehow I doubt it…when it comes to love we’re usually more nervous than we ever need to be because we’ve failed to recognize that everything had worked itself out before we even showed up in the first place.”

“You and your philosophy…”

“I call it wisdom _and_ the benefits of old age.”

“Uh huh. I’m going to turn up the music and leave you to your philosophizing…”

“You do that my dear…you do that.”

**

Myka was starting to highly doubt her ability to survive the night. She could already feel her fingers starting to tremble, her heart pounding a little too loudly in her ears, her breath coming a little shallowly, and Jesus, all Helena had done was _walk into the store_. 

Myka wondered if she was imagining it, or if Helena was purposefully putting a little bit more _oomph_ into her walk, her walk that was practically a saunter this evening. Myka gave her a shaky, just this side of desperate smile, “Hey you…”

Helena flashed her a devastating smile, leaning across the counter and placing a very light, very delicate, very _intentional_ kiss to Myka’s lips, “Hello love.”

“What’s got you in this lovely mood this evening?”

Helena arched a playful eyebrow her way, “Are you complaining about my mood? I’ve been here for all of two minutes and you’re already complaining…whatever will I do with you?”

Myka felt her knees buckle slightly because Helena’s _tone_ was…well, it was the tone she used when she specifically _wanted_ to make Myka’s knees buckle. Myka was suddenly very thankful that she was leaning against the counter, because now Helena was flashing her a quick wink, toying playfully with her fingers and Myka figured that falling flat on her face would not exactly be the most graceful way to start out the evening. Myka took in a shaky breath, which she knew Helena noticed, because, well, Helena noticed everything, “I’m definitely not complaining, and if at any point I start complaining I give you full permission to do something about it.”

“Duly noted darling.”

For the briefest of moments, a bright flash of clarity flew through Myka’s mind giving her a tiny balloon of hope that tonight _was_ the right night, that she wasn’t about to make a catastrophic mistake, that she hadn’t read any of this wrong, and that everything would just be ok. Before she could truly appreciate that feeling though it was gone, disappearing in a whirlwind of Claudia running up to Helena and dragging her to the back of the store apropos of nothing, simply claiming she required her presence. All Helena could do was shoot Myka a quick, apologetic smile over her shoulder before completely bending to Claudia’s demands.

Myka distracted herself with as many menial tasks as she could come up with while the band got started with rehearsal, but eventually she simply knew it was useless. She shrugged her shoulders and flipped off the light switch in her office. She sat on the counter, waiting, until they finished the song they were working on, and then gave a silent word of thanks that Claudia declared it was time for a break. She hopped off the counter and stole up behind Helena, grabbing her hand and tugging her away from the stage. Helena gave her an odd, uncertain look, “Something you need darling?”

Myka fidgeted from foot to foot, “Sort of…I need to head upstairs for a bit, but I was wondering if you could maybe come up for a bit when you guys are done?”

Helena’s eyes swept over Myka’s body, taking in her fidgeting legs, her eyes darting around looking anywhere but actually at her, the edge of her lip curling under her teeth. She hoped Myka didn’t harbor any delusions that she was hiding her nerves well, because she wasn’t, at all, yet Helena had zero idea why she was nervous, which only caused nerves to course through her own body, so she figured they were even. She cleared her throat slightly, her own eyes suddenly unable to meet Myka’s, “Sure, absolutely. I’ll see you in a little bit.”

Myka nodded quickly then turned towards the stairs. Before she reached the foot of them though she called over towards the stage, “Hey Pete! Come here for a sec.”

Pete jogged over to her, “What’s up Mykes?”

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Whatever you need, I’m your guy.”

“Can you shoot me a text when you guys are close to being done down here?”

Pete eyed her quizzically, “Sure?”

Myka didn’t have time to explain, and she didn’t really _feel_ like explaining at the moment so she simply hugged him and whispered, “Thanks,” before disappearing up the stairs.

**

Myka looked around her apartment…maybe this was too much. Big, grand romantic gestures were never her _thing_ , however…

Her phone buzzed, “ _Ten minute warning lady lover…_ ”

She rolled her eyes, because Pete was, well, Pete, and slightly ridiculous, and yet somehow always knew how to make her laugh in the midst of whatever chaos her life was spiraling in at the moment, and this precise moment, she realized, felt extremely chaotic. She took a deep breath, ten minutes, just enough time for a few last minute touches.

**

Helena watched as Claudia, Pete, and Steve exited the store, hearing the lock click distinctly behind Claudia. She turned and faced the stairs, feeling like they had somehow grown since the last time she looked at them. She took a deep breath, flicking off the downstairs light, as she headed towards Myka’s door. She stood outside it trying to take in calming breaths, unsure _why_ exactly she felt so nervous, just knowing that she felt _distinctly_ , possibly _irrationally_ nervous. She gave herself ten seconds, counting them out underneath her breath. Ten came far too soon, but she knew she couldn’t stand outside the door all night, so she decided she might as well dive in to whatever the night was about to bring. She knocked so lightly she wondered if Myka would even hear it, but before she had barely removed her knuckles from the door, Myka’s voice was filtering out to her, “It’s open…”

Whatever Helena had been expecting, it was nowhere close to what was waiting for her behind Myka’s door. Her breath hitched involuntarily as she took in Myka’s very transformed, very unexpected living room. She didn’t even have time to process all the questions that were racing through her mind, idle, distracted questions like where the hell was Myka’s couch? Because it was nowhere to be seen, its space on the floor occupied instead by one of Myka’s pianos. There were candles on nearly every available surface, and Helena vaguely noticed there might have been flowers, but it all fell away in the face of Myka…Myka looking ethereal and nervous and glowing behind the piano. Myka looking more beautiful than Helena quite knew how to process. Myka who didn’t say a word, who simply gave her a small, soft smile, before placing her fingers against the keys and starting to sing…

_“We’ll do it all…everything…on our own…we don’t need…anything…or anyone…”_

Myka had never put more effort into a first line of a song in her life, but Helena needed to know, right off the bat, that things were different, that she was here, with her, in this, completely. Her life, _their_ life, was in fact _theirs_ , and they didn’t need the ghosts of their pasts, _her_ past, chasing them down anymore. Their relationship, who they were, it was just the two of them. She pressed her fingers a little more insistently against the keys, feeling her voice already starting to crack against the emotion in her chest, but she fought it down, she had too much left to sing for that right now.

_“If I lay here…if I just lay here…would you lie with me and just forget the world…”_

Myka fought through the glare from the tears building in her eyes and the candles that were scattered around her apartment, wanting to make sure that Helena heard what she was going to say next, because, in some ways it was the most important. As she looked at Helena, her fingertips resting gently against slightly parted lips, tears shining against her cheeks, Myka knew Helena wasn’t going to allow herself to miss a single line.

_“I don’t quite know…how to say…how I feel…those three words…are said too much…they’re not enough…”_

Of all the hundreds of lines Myka had written in her life, she wasn’t sure she had ever written a more honest, more _laid bare_ line as that one. She loved Helena, she was in love with Helena, but the simplicity, the immense, complicated simplicity of those words just didn’t seem to adequately express how she felt about her, about them.

Myka played and played. Somewhere in the back of her mind she was surprised her fingers were able to actually move the way she needed them to considering how nervous she was, but somehow, the second that Helena had walked in the door, she had felt more certain than she ever could have imagined. Certain that every word she had written was true, was what she needed Helena to hear.

_“I need your grace…to remind me…to find my own…”_

Helena…Helena and all of her hope, all of her words about moving on and moving forward and living life…they had given Myka her life back and she didn’t know how to properly explain that, she just hoped that Helena understood.

Myka took a deep breath in between verses, knowing that the bridge, the bridge that she had worked so damn hard on, was of utmost importance. She gave Helena another glance, taking in her breathless, smiling beauty, and she gave her as big of a smile as she could muster in the moment.

_“All that I am…all that I ever was…is here in your perfect eyes…they’re all I can see…I don’t know where…confused about how as well…just know that these things will never change for us at all…”_

Never in her life would she be able to explain how she had gotten _here_ ; how one woman walking into her store could have changed everything, but she was done trying to explain it, analyze it, force it to make sense. All that Myka knew was that this was their story, this was who they were, who they were going to be, and nothing was ever going to change that. They couldn’t go back. She couldn’t change what she had done, the mistakes she had made, but she could make damn sure that she didn’t make those mistakes again, that she could learn from them, and let them do all they could to make her and Helena stronger.

Her voice quietly faded out on one last round of the chorus, letting the notes linger and echo around the apartment, her eyes slowly closing around the inevitable next moment, the moment that she had absolutely no clue how to play out. She had planned up until this point, but she couldn’t plan for Helena’s reaction, so she just ledt the music fade, took a deep breath, and then stood, taking careful, measured steps towards Helena, who remained rooted to the very spot where she first stepped in the door, still breathless, still crying, still looking somewhat stunned. Myka tried to make her brain speed up, to plan what she would say, but she knew there was no time, and she just needed to say whatever spilled out of her mouth and hope that it was the right thing.

She tentatively took Helena’s hand in her own. She didn’t know how, but suddenly she wasn’t crying anymore, she didn’t even feel _close_ to crying, because all she felt was _sure, certain_ , certain that this was what needed to happen. She gave Helena’s hand a light squeeze, “For the longest time, I thought that I knew what I wanted my life to look like. I thought that I had seen enough, experienced enough, to know what I did and didn’t want to happen. I thought I knew what my version of happiness looked like. And then…and then you walked into the store, and all of that careful planning flew out the window. I’ve never been a person who does change well, I like to feel like I’m in control, and can explain what’s happening around me, but since you walked into my life, I have had absolutely no idea what I’ve been doing, and because of that, because you’ve had me running around in circles trying to figure out how to do this, and do this right, I got really, _really_ tangled up, and I cannot promise you that it won’t happen again. I’m going to screw this up, and I’m going to make mistakes, and I’m going to get freaked out, but what I can promise you, what I _am_ promising you is that the running away, the not talking to you, the making you question and wonder if I’m in this, it’s over. You and I have talked a lot about a very unknowable future, but I’m telling you that for once I know what I want that future to look like, because that future is unbelievably simple. That future is you and me, it’s you and me being together. That’s it. That’s all I want. I want to see where this life takes me, but only if it’s with you next to me. The way I figure, we can figure everything else out as it comes, and help each other get untangled whenever that happens. Never in my life have I _known_ something as surely as I know that, that I want us, that I want you. The reality is, I have known that from day one, it just took me a little while to realize it, and I am so sorry that it took this long, but I can’t go back and I can’t change it, all I can tell you is that I’m here now, that this is where I _always_ want to be.”

Helena took in a shaky breath, one that barely filled her lungs, but gave her enough time to think about what to say. Her head shook slowly as she smiled softly at Myka, “I…I don’t even know what say. The insane part of my brain, the part that I wish would just be quiet, wants to know why now? And how you can sound so sure? And how all of this has happened? And I really, really wish those questions would just go away, because there is so much more I want to say…”

Myka chuckled, “I’ll gladly take those questions Swagger, I probably _deserve_ those questions, and the thing is the answer to all of them is the same thing. Helena…I know, and I am absolutely sure because I’m in love with you. I’ve think I’ve _been_ in love with you since you walked in the store, or at least from that first night you let me drive you home. All of this happened, because I love you.”

Helena didn’t know what made her say it, maybe it was a bit of that _swagger_ that Myka apparently _loved_ so much, but she arched an eyebrow, smirking at Myka slowly, “Didn’t you just say that those three words aren’t enough?”

Myka playfully rolled her eyes, laughing, “Well, at least I know you were paying attention.” She squeezed Helena’s hand, her tone stealing back into seriousness, “I meant that though…they aren’t…they aren’t even _close_ to being enough, but the way I figure it, they’re a pretty damn good place to start.” Before she could process anything else, it careened into Myka’s mind that Helena hadn’t said _it_ back, and suddenly she was scrambling, backtracking, rambling around words to make that fact _ok_ , “And Helena, if you’re not ready, if you still need time or space or for us to keep doing what we’ve been doing, that’s ok. We can take as much time as you need and I can blow out these candles and back off, I just…I needed you to know that I’m here for whenever…”

Helena cut her off, her words coming out quick and serious and in that _tone_ , “Myka, will you please stop talking?” 

Myka’s mouth, which had been hanging open mid-sentence snapped shut. Her forehead crinkling in worry and confusion.

Helena stepped further into Myka’s space, smiling in a teasing, incredibly intoxicating way. She puffed out a small wisp of laughter, “Will you please stop _talking_ so I can kiss you? Stop talking so I can tell you that I love you too. I don’t want anymore time. I don’t want anymore space. I just want you.”

Myka smiled deeply, though a smirk was tugging at the corners of her mouth, “I thought you wanted me to stop talking so you could kiss me?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Insufferable…”

Myka unlinked their hands and wrapped her arms around Helena’s waist, pulling her in tightly, Helena’s arms coming up and snaking around her neck. Myka leaned down and rested her forehead against Helena’s, “Yeah, I am, but you love me…”

Helena sighed contentedly, “I do darling. I love you more than I really have words to explain…”

“Then we should _definitely_ stop talking.”

Helena pressed up on the tips of her toes, lips ghosting against Myka’s as she whispered, “Definitely…”


	14. Ain't It Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Myka and Helena settle back into a post-I love you sense of normalcy, while life for the band starts swirling in a crazy mix of frustration, insanity, chaos, and excitement. Plus, Myka starts a new chapter of her life at St. Secord and welcomes a new face to The Warehouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off...writer's block is a bitch...second off...being insanely busy at work when that writer's block wears off is even worse, so in short, I'm really sorry this chapter has taken so long. Hopefully, all the fluffy Bering and Wells times ahead make up for the wait. 
> 
> Song here is from Paramore...a lot of them coming up as life for the band picks up.

_“God I love her…”_

The thought careened through Myka’s mind as she felt Helena push up on her tiptoes, pressing her lips harder against Myka’s, the softest, most _wanting_ of sighs leaving those lips as she did so. Myka’s fingers drifted up Helena’s arms from where they had been wrapped tightly around her waist, her fingertips skating over the curve of her neck, the already pounding rhythm of her pulse, and curling into her hair, holding them tightly together, Myka suddenly unwilling to ever entertain any thoughts of Helena existing anywhere but in her arms for the rest of the foreseeable future. 

It felt like it could go on forever, this kiss, that somehow felt like it was so long in coming, but at the same time felt like they had never truly been apart. A light, almost desperate, surprised gasp escaped Myka’s lungs, as Helena’s lips pressed further, parting and pulling her in tighter. Myka tried to sink into that feeling, but as Helena’s hands surged beneath the hem of her shirt, nails scraping against the skin of her abs with a sudden sense of urgency, Myka felt something pull within her brain, something that she desperately wanted to ignore, but that she was certain wasn’t going to go away, no matter how much Helena’s fingertips skated and danced across her suddenly quivering muscles—the need to slow down. 

Myka could feel the need to rush in the way Helena’s hands were moving, the way her lips were just a shade too close to aggressive. There was a sense of desperation in her movements, something urging Helena to move too quickly to actually notice what she was doing, and as Myka felt nails dig slightly into the skin of her hips, she wondered if there wasn’t still a sense of lingering fear in Helena’s mind that if she didn’t surge forward and rush towards some kind of inevitable conclusion that Myka would slip through her fingers again. 

Myka untangled her fingers from Helena’s hair, passing her hands down her body to come to rest against Helena’s wrists, grasping them lightly, all the while pulling just barely away from Helena’s lips, letting a small moan escape from her mouth as she rested her forehead against Helena’s. Despite her closed eyes, she could _feel_ Helena try to surge forward again, but she turned, slightly, barely, but enough to not let their lips meet, whispering, “Helena…I’m here…I’m right here…”

Helena let out a strangled sigh, pulling further away from Myka, turning her face in a vain attempt at keeping Myka from seeing the small tears escaping from the corners of her eyes, “I’m sorry darling…”

Myka gently thumbed away the tears that Helena couldn’t hide, and tucked her fingers underneath Helena’s chin, pressing a tiny, barely there kiss to the tip of Helena’s nose, thankfully drawing a small chuckle from Helena’s throat. Myka tilted her fingers encouraging Helena’s eyes to meet her own, “Hey…this…this doesn’t have to happen right now. We don’t have to do this…not tonight.” 

Myka watched with a twisting feeling in her stomach, though she couldn’t tell if it was from nerves, fear, or just unabashed _want_ , as Helena’s eyes darkened while her thumbs traced small, tight circles over Myka’s hip bones, “There is nothing more I _want_ to do tonight than this darling…being right here with you...like this.”

Myka tried to make her eyes resist fluttering closed, but she couldn’t quite manage it, the shaky breath she exhaled only serving to confirm her complete lack of ability to resist when Helena used that _tone_. She sighed heavily, “I just…I just want to make sure this is ok, that we aren’t rushing because things are still weird.”

Helena’s hands stilled on Myka’s skin, her eyes moving to meet Myka’s and hold them intently, “Darling, nothing is causing me to rush other than the abhorrent amount of time we have spent apart.”

“Do I need to state the obvious that you were kind of, sort of, almost crying right now?”

Helena chuckled, “A rather unfortunate side effect of my being so unbelievably happy at the moment darling, and a natural consequence of the fact that I have missed you desperately.”

Myka arched a playful eyebrow, “Is that right?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “If you would just stop talking, I could _show_ you rather than _tell_ you how very right it is.”

Myka sighed, “For once, I believe _you_ are the one being insufferable.” Myka’s eyes darted down to the carpet and back up to Helena’s eyes, “I just wanted to be sure…”

Helena pressed a light kiss to Myka’s lips, “Darling, there is nothing to be sure of other than the obvious fact that you…like this…with me…it’s all I’ve wanted for weeks, therefore my rushing is simply because you have been away for far too long.”

Myka felt a flush chase through her cheeks, immediately to skate down her chest and settle into her stomach, “So long that you don’t even want to give me enough time to blow out the candles?”

Helena smirked, raising a hand up to tuck a stray curl behind Myka’s ear, her fingers lingering slowly along the shell of it, “Well…I must say the glow of them looks rather endearing on you darling.”

Myka chuckled, “Smooth talker. However, I would much prefer to do _this_ with you,” she pulled Helena tighter to her body, arms skating back around Helena’s waist, “while not _also_ worrying that we’re going to burn my house and my work place down to the ground at the same time.”

Helena ducked her head slightly to press a kiss against Myka’s ear, “Oh I’m sure we could manage to be careful…though since your couch seems to have disappeared a little extra caution would probably be advisable.”

Myka’s eyes rolled at the low, pulsating tone of Helena’s voice echoing in her ear. She let her nails drag across the small of Helena’s back, “Well, ya know part of me is inclined to say that the piano is fairly sturdy, however…” 

Her words caught in her throat as Helena dragged a long line of kisses along her jaw, chuckling as she went, “However…?”

Myka sighed, “ _However_ , believe it or not I _do_ have a perfectly good, soft, comfortable bed just down the hall.”

“I don’t know…with your tendency to get so _sleepy_ I don’t know if I trust you to not fall asleep on me.”

Myka reached up and urged Helena’s head up to look at her, “Trust me…that is not going to happen. However, I do maintain I need to blow out the candles.”

Helena sighed, “You do realize that with the amount of candles you have lit, we are just as likely to set off the fire alarm with the amount of smoke that blowing them out will cause?”

Myka rolled her eyes and finally extracted herself from Helena’s hold, moving to one of the side tables starting to douse some of the lights. She shot Helena a quick look over her shoulder, “Oh you’re just frustrated because you’re seduction tactics didn’t work enough to make me willing to burn my house down.”

Helena just groaned and rolled her eyes, moving to help Myka with the tedious task ahead of them, figuring that if she helped it would at least go quicker, “I suppose that just means I shall have to try and up my ‘game’ as Claudia chooses to refer to it.”

Myka chuckled, “I totally welcome that attempt just so you know.”

“Duly noted darling. I have to say though, we are kind of killing the mood here. You set up this romantic gesture, only to make me take part in disassembling it. It seems rather unfair.”

“I promise I’ll make it up to you…”

Helena had allowed herself to get so caught up in provoking Myka, that she had somehow missed the fact that Myka had moved with what had to have been superhuman speed and had all the candles out in about thirty seconds flat. So when Myka’s arms slid around her waist, when her lips moved over her ear, when her words came out in a whispered rush against her skin, Helena couldn’t help the twitch of surprise that pulled through her body, or the extremely involuntary shiver that raced across her nerves. She straightened and leaned against Myka’s body, “You do realize that I _will_ hold you to that promise.”

“Oh I’m going to make sure that you do Swagger, don’t you worry about that.” Myka laced her fingers through Helena’s and tugged her away from the living room towards the hallway. 

Myka’s progress was only half successful before Helena was pulling back against her hand enough to shift her momentum, giving Helena just enough time and space to press her against the wall and kiss her senseless. Myka’s head leaned back against the wall, thudding lightly as Helena’s lips pulled away and began tracing down her jaw, nipping as she went, her breath skating across Myka’s pulse as she whispered, “I meant it you know?”

Myka sucked in a sharp breath, fingers tugging at Helena’s hair, trying to hold her in place against a particularly sensitive spot on the curve of her neck, “Meant….what?” 

Helena’s eyes met Myka’s as she leaned up and pressed another barely present kiss to Myka’s lips, “That I missed you.” 

Myka knew that Helena was trying to sound teasing, playful, trying to return them to the pre-candle extinguishing mood, but she could see it in her eyes, hear it in the slight hitch of her voice, that she was also trying to be honest, to let her know what the last few weeks had been like. Myka nodded, her forehead resting against the bridge of Helena’s nose, while Helena’s fingers twirled around one of her curls, “I know…I missed you too. The last few weeks have been…”

“Awful?” Helena whispered.

“Terrible,” Myka smirked moving her lips to almost rest against Helena’s.

“Interminable.”

“Unbearable.”

“Horrendous,” Helena turned her head slightly so that her lips could match up with Myka’s.

“ _Insufferable_ ,” Myka chuckled.

Helena rolled her eyes, all the while her knees trembled beneath her, because, _God_ , sometimes Myka was just so very…Helena tried to come up with an adequate word that was a mix of sexy and adorable, but found her vast vocabulary woefully lacking. She sighed, pressing Myka further against the wall, “ _That’s_ supposed to be _my_ line.”

Myka nodded, finally allowing her lips to move against Helena’s, almost allowing her near desperation for Helena to take over, “What are you going to do about it Swagger?”

Helena groaned, though she was fairly certain it came out more like a moan, “I’m going to make you stop talking.” Helena pulled Myka into her and resumed their delicate shuffle down the hallway, hands quickly beginning to stray beneath the hem of Myka’s sweater. 

Myka maneuvered Helena through the doorway to her bedroom with guiding hands upon Helena’s hips, moving her to the left just enough when they entered the room for Helena’s calves to hit the end of the bed within a few steps. Immediately, Helena sank onto the mattress, trying to pull Myka down with her, but Myka resisted the movement, instead stepping between Helena’s knees and brushing her hair back from her face. Helena’s eyes closed, sighing against Myka’s feather light touch. Something stirred deep within Myka that she wanted tonight to linger, to last, to exist long enough to imprint fully on her mind as a moment never to be forgotten. She leaned down, feeling Helena’s hands tighten around her hips, kissing her slowly, before pulling away, whispering, “And I meant it too, ya know?”

Helena’s eyes opened slowly, brow furrowing, “Meant what, love?”

“That I love you.”

Helena smiled so deeply Myka chuckled. At the sounds of her laughter, Helena pulled Myka tighter and closer, finally encouraging her enough to sink into her lap. Helena scooted back on the bed enough to allow Myka to wrap her intoxicatingly long legs around her waist, without either of them being threatened with falling off the bed. Helena leaned up, pressing kisses to Myka’s cheekbones, her eyelids, her chin, each kiss extenuated with a single word, “I. Love. You. Too.”

Helena paused momentarily, Myka’s fingers continuing to skate through her hair, down her neck, teasing underneath the collar of her shirt running over her collarbones. Helena hummed softly against the sensation, until a stray thought tugged at her attention, and she wrapped her arms around Myka’s waist tighter, giving Myka a scrutinizing look. Myka looked down at her puzzled, “What?”

Helena’s fingers traced circles against the small of Myka’s back, “I’m just realizing that this is the first time that I’ve ever seen your bedroom, which is suddenly striking me as fairly odd.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m sitting on your lap and _that_ is what you’re thinking about at the moment?”

Helena laughed softly, “Well, that’s not _all_ I’m thinking about at the moment…however, I felt it worthy of comment.”

“You’re crazy, and apparently I’m doing a woefully bad job at keeping you adequately entertained if you’re thinking about anything other than the fact that you are in my bed and that your hands are underneath my shirt.”

Helena dragged her nails slowly down Myka’s back, causing her to arch towards her, where Helena’s lips were waiting to press against her neck, “You are entertaining to the point of distraction my love. I apologize for the unnecessary commentary…”

Myka whimpered around a chuckle as Helena’s lips pressed harder against her skin, “Oh comment away Swagger, all it will do is make me work harder to keep you focused, which I’m sure you’d _appreciate_.” Myka pulled Helena’s head away from her neck and kissed her firmly, determinedly, lips parting enough to draw a groan from the back of Helena’s throat. Myka pulled away with a smirk, “I suppose, in order to keep you from getting distracted again, I should give you a few more moments of commentary on my room if it’s _so important_ to you.”

Helena smiled softly, pinching at Myka’s waist, “My darling insufferable Myka…” 

“Call me insufferable all you want, I can see it in your eyes that you just want to overanalyze everything in this room right now. You look like you’re trying to deconstruct my life from the inside out.”

Helena threw her head back in soft laughter, “Guilty as charged darling. I suppose it is the lingering effects of engineering, I see something new, I have to analyze, and this room is definitely new.”

Myka leaned down and pressed a soft line of kisses up Helena’s neck, “And what are your conclusions?”

Helena’s eyes closed against the touch, “Well…” she sighed against Myka circling her tongue around her pulse point, “I didn’t think it was possible for you to own more books and yet that bookcase has proven me completely incorrect.”

Myka chuckled, moving her lips down to Helena’s collarbone, “And?”

Helena gasped slightly, “Two…I have a feeling that sunlight, coupled with your eyes against the green of this comforter is going to be possibly the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen…”

Myka’s fingers stole underneath the fabric of Helena’s shirt, skating up her stomach to rest precariously close to her chest. She chuckled as she felt Helena’s breath hitch, “Again with the sweet talk. Anything else, my crazy engineer?”

Helena took in a shaky breath, “Three…you have a picture of us on your nightstand…which possibly makes me love you just a little bit more.”

Myka smiled against Helena’s skin, letting her hands trail higher, tracing small, tight circles, “What can I say? I like having you be the last thing I see before I fall asleep at night.”

Helena tried to find her voice, which was quickly disappearing under the ministrations of Myka’s fingers on her skin, “You, Myka Bering, are a…shameless flirt. However, tonight I can definitely say that me being the last thing you see before you sleep shouldn’t be a problem…though I’m not sure how much I’m actually going to let you sleep.” 

Myka’s eyes rolled and her fingers stilled as she felt Helena’s hands quickly move to tug at the hem of her sweater, pulling it slowly off of her, tossing it into a soon to be forgotten corner. She went to say something else smart and teasing, something along the lines of having no complaints about Helena’s intentions for the night, but all of it died in her throat as Helena’s hands slid across her suddenly heated skin, pulling her back with her as Helena maneuvered to lie back against the pillows. Helena ran her fingers through Myka’s curls, gazing up at her with what Myka could only describe as reverence. She watched, fascinated, as Helena took a deep breath, feeling her own body lift and fall with the movement, and Helena’s eyes softened. She tucked a curl behind Myka’s ear, “You are gorgeous and I _have_ missed you and I _do_ love you and I believe I am one hundred percent done talking now…”

Myka sighed leaning into Helena’s hand which was cupping her cheek. She turned and pressed a kiss to her palm, “I’ll believe _that_ when I see it…” She shifted allowing her body to move and shift enough that she was lying flush against Helena. She pressed a kiss to Helena’s ear, whispering, “You, Swagger, are a vision…” She moved and traced a line of kisses along her jaw, nipping softly at the back of it, “I missed you more than I probably have words to describe…” She pressed firm lips against the juncture between Helena’s shoulder and neck, “I love you wildly…” She leaned up, pulling Helena up with her by the hem of her shirt, lifting it over Helena’s head when they were both back to sitting up. When she had tossed Helena’s shirt away, she pressed a lingering kiss to Helena’s lips, “And I am highly, highly interested in making you not think about talking for the foreseeable future.”

Myka pressed softly against Helena’s shoulders, encouraging her to fall back against the pillows again, but Myka stayed where she was, knees nestled against Helena’s hips, fingertips tracing cryptic patterns across her bare stomach. In Myka’s mind she was writing her greatest song, and leaving it etched across Helena’s skin, something that was just for the two of them, when they were here like this. Her fingers danced across Helena’s skin like it was the last piano on earth, and it was all hers to play, as she desired. She reveled in the tiny, barely noticeable whimpers and gasps that left Helena’s lips, even at the slightest of touches. Those noises, they were enough to make Myka want to throw caution to the wind and clothes to the floor and forget about words like slow and patience and time, yet she didn’t let herself rush, because this, _them, tonight_ , it was different. As she leaned forward, leaving one small kiss to Helena’s lips, before moving slowly down her body, trailing kisses all along her skin, relearning the tiny little places that made Helena’s breath hitch or laughter tumble from her throat, Myka realized that everything she felt in this moment _was_ completely different from when they were like this mere weeks ago, because now, now she was _in_ , whole-heartedly, completely, desperately _in_. The mere thought brought an odd bubble of emotion into Myka’s throat, but she swallowed it down, and allowed those emotions to instead play out across Helena’s skin in small traces of her fingers and lips and tongue, in the way she moved and waited and adjusted based on the light tugs Helena gave to her curls, in the slow, near worshipful way that she barely lifted Helena off the mattress to divest her of her bra, another useless article of fabric thrown to the four winds, leaving them laid bare against each other. Myka’s mind registered the stray question of not knowing when Helena had actually removed hers, but the thought was chased away by Helena’s hands moving against her bare skin, and she realized it didn’t matter one iota when it left her body, but simply that it had in the first place. 

Myka felt like she was moving outside of logical time and space, like something unknowable had settled over her apartment locking them in a moment all their own, where the outside world didn’t matter, might as well not even exist. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and as Helena sat up, arm tightly wrapping around her waist, encouraging her to spin and turn and lie back against the mattress, as Helena’s fingers came up to tangle in hers, squeezing tightly as she started moving down her body, as Helena whispered more words about adoration and beauty and longing and other particularly _blush-inducing_ things, Myka realized that never in her life had she ever felt so _desired_ , so _seen_ , so _loved_. As Helena held tightly to her hand, while ghosting lips across all the sensitive parts of Myka’s neck, shoulders, stomach, hips, Myka reflected on that first night together, how the morning after she had felt tugs of embarrassment at how unhindered she had been, at the sounds that she had allowed to escape her lips, and how now, here, with Helena moving achingly slowly above her, with Helena’s hand tracing teasing fingertips over her still very much clothed thighs, she didn’t give a damn about inhibitions, or about how she sounded, or about whether or not she was enjoying what Helena was doing a little too much, she realized that if this was life, if this was love, being laid bare in more ways than she could process, then that was the life she wanted, as long as that life was with Helena.

Helena watched in near rapt fascination as Myka moved underneath her, arching just enough to follow her fingertips wherever they strayed, and the thought occurred to her as she nipped and pulled a little harder against Myka’s hipbone, evoking an eye-roll inducing moan from Myka’s throat, that this…this was not the Myka Bering who had been in her bed those achingly long weeks ago. That Myka Bering had been just this side of hesitant, despite her protestations and despite her enthusiasm. That Myka Bering had hidden her embarrassment and her boundaries beneath a thin veneer of teasing comments and deflections. That Myka Bering had wanted her desperately but didn’t seem to be wholly willing to _let_ herself want Helena that badly. That Myka Bering was most certainly not _this_ Myka Bering. This Myka Bering was open and wanting and unashamed and so very, very _present_. It was intoxicating, hearing the gasps and the whispers of encouragement and pleasure, feeling the total lack of restraint in Myka’s fingers as they gripped at the muscles of her shoulders and dug into her hand, watching the way she unconsciously moved beneath her, like it was the only place on earth that she wanted to be. This was not a Myka Bering that Helena had to check in on and make sure she was ok. This was not a Myka Bering who was overthinking. This was a Myka Bering who was everything Helena had ever wanted. This was the Myka Bering, Helena had fallen in love with those many, many months ago. It made Helena realize that while their first night together would always be _something_ , this would be the night that she would remember and cherish and cling to whenever things between them got difficult again, because this, this was them together, completely and totally.

Helena was so engrossed in her thoughts, even as she moved across Myka’s body, that she completely missed the sudden jerking of Myka’s body forward, and before she knew what had happened she was back on her back, with Myka’s lips pressing fiercely against her own. When Myka did, eventually, pull away, dragging Helena’s bottom lip with her between her teeth, she let out a husked whisper, “You…Swagger are making it very, _very_ difficult to go slowly.”

Helena arched underneath Myka just enough to encourage and make it practically impossible for Myka’s thigh to not fall between her own, “And why darling…would you want to do that?”

Myka’s breath hitched as Helena’s body twitched and pulled against her own. She settled her weight on her elbows where they rested on either side of Helena’s head. She passed light fingertips over Helena’s temple, smoothing away her hair which was tugging under a small sheen of sweat, “Just trying to savor the moment is all…” Myka replaced her fingers with kisses against both of Helena’s temples, “I just feel like taking my time…”

“Well, we _do_ have all night, plenty of minutes and hours to take, if you will.” 

Myka chuckled softly, letting her fingers fall and dance over Helena’s face, across her cheekbones, along her jaw, tapping playfully at the tip of her nose, “Is that you asking me to stop slowing down?”

Looking up at Myka, seeing the utter serenity, the peacefulness there, feeling the love and adoration pulsing through her touch, Helena was suddenly questioning her own desire to rush, “Not when you’re looking at me like that I’m not.”

Myka arched an eyebrow, fighting off the urge to waggle it playfully, “And how am I looking at you?”

Helena smiled softly, “Like even if I had refused to let you blow out those candles, and this place was burning down around us, you still wouldn’t take your eyes off of me…”

Something hot and pulsing pushed through Myka’s chest, because somehow Helena had seen and known just exactly how she felt, and she was suddenly _happy_ that Helena could see her so clearly. She smirked, “Ya know one would say that means I’m looking at you like I love you.”

“You’ve mentioned that a few times tonight…”

“Are you tired of hearing it already?” Myka leaned down and nipped mischievously at Helena’s chin.

“I do not believe there will ever come a day when I tire of hearing that, not when it’s coming from you, not when you’re saying it and looking at me like this.” Helena pushed up and let her lips fall against Myka’s but when she pulled away she watched as something unknowable flitted across Myka’s eyes, her features tensing and then calming in an instant. Helena trailed her fingers across Myka’s shoulder blades, “What is it darling?”

Myka shook her head, trying to clear it, “Nothing, sorry. My mind just got away from me for a second.”

“Myka…”

Myka rolled her eyes, a small sigh leaving her lips, while her forehead came to rest against Helena’s, “It’s just…you’re here…and I don’t know how I’ve survived _not_ having you here for this long.”

Helena watched as some strange combination of sadness and insecurity crept back into Myka’s eyes. The green of them coming back into sharper relief, ebbing away her desire darkened pupils. She curled one of her legs around one of Myka’s drawing them tighter together, her fingers coming up to smooth away Myka’s curls that were hanging like curtains around them. She sighed softly because _this_ , the last few weeks, the things they had both said, the things Myka had done, they weren’t going to just disappear in a haze of desire and declarations of love. Helena inwardly kicked herself for even entertaining the thought that Myka would simply _forget_ , and not proceed to torture herself senseless at her past actions. She ran her thumb underneath Myka’s bottom lip, “Oh Love…”

Myka couldn’t help the smile that stole across her lips at that. She _loved_ the way Helena said that word, the way that it sounded like a promise and a tease and a declaration all at once, her tone falling into some indescribable register that she reserved only for stolen moments with Myka.

Helena smiled softly at the serenity that stole back into Myka’s face. She ran the backs of her fingers against Myka’s cheek, “Whatever the last few weeks have been…they’re over and we’re here and I never want you to doubt that _this_ is where I always want to be.”

Myka sighed, “I know…I think I’m just going to need a little bit of time to stop beating myself up.”

“Well, if there’s anything I can _do_ ,” Helena arched her body against Myka, “to help keep you distracted enough to _not_ fall into that habit, I’m happy to do them.”

Myka chuckled even while a blush crept into her cheeks, “You are…something else, you know that Swagger?”

“I do. I also know that we have started _talking_ again, and I thought we had both agreed that there would be a distinct _lack_ of talking this evening.”

Myka feigned consideration, “Had we said that?”

Helena groaned in mock frustration and pushed Myka up, off, and back under her again, “ _Insufferable_ woman.”

“Guilty as charged…what are you going to do about that _darling_?”

Helena just rolled her eyes and stole down the edge of the bed, her knees tucking around Myka’s as she tugged and pulled against Myka’s belt, letting it fall open before making quick and efficient work of flinging Myka’s intoxicatingly tight jeans into a chair in the corner. She then moved off the bed, keeping Myka pinned to the covers with a look of intent, making her wait and watch while she made painstakingly _slow_ work of her own jeans. When Myka groaned softly at her teasing, Helena chuckled, “Weren’t you the one saying not that long ago that you had a certain desire to go _slowly_?”

Myka groaned again, “I am not saying another word the rest of the night.”

Helena smirked and kicked her jeans off quickly, “And thus my plan has worked.” She slid back onto the bed, falling carefully and intentionally against Myka, husking against her ear, “Though I must say I highly doubt you’ll be able to hold yourself to that declaration given our current position and my current _intentions_ …”

Myka’s cheeks were now so red, she was certain Helena could see it even amidst the darkness of her room, “Ok…if you keep talking like that…then no you’re right I won’t be able to.”

Helena chuckled throatily and slid down Myka’s body in a way that was so hypnotic Myka wondered if she would actually be able to remember what was about to happen or if she was being put under some strange, Helena Wells style spell. The feel of Helena’s fingers dipping against her hip were enough to draw her back to a less hazy form of reality. Myka looked down her body to find Helena’s chin resting against her stomach, one finger crooked in the edge of her boy shorts, the other tracing nondescript swirls around her abdominal muscles. Helena gave her a wicked, gleaming smirk, and Myka could barely hold in the groan that was threatening to burst from her throat, though she tamped it down behind an eyeroll and a bitten bottom lip. Just as Helena started to duck her head and slide her fingers and get on with her self-proclaimed _intentions_ , Myka gripped Helena’s hand that was splayed across her stomach, “No…wait.”

Helena froze immediately, fingers stilling, concern racing across her face in fast clips, “Myka?”

Myka slipped her fingers into Helena’s, and pulled softly, beckoning Helena back towards her, “Come here..”

Helena moved quickly with a little less grace and little more panic, to realign herself against Myka’s body. She ran her free hand softly down Myka’s sternum, “What is it love?”

Myka smiled softly, giving Helena what she hoped was a look of reassurance. She then moved her thigh _just so_ , bending it beneath Helena, resting it carefully against the inside of Helena’s thighs, figuring that if her look wasn’t reassuring _that_ movement would be. She sighed contentedly, “I just want you to stay up here…I want you here…with me…”

A rush of relief fled through Helena’s lips, even as they pulled into a serene smile, “Of course darling.”

There was a momentary lapse of awkwardness and graceless slipping and moving, as both of them attempted to divest themselves and each other of their last articles of clothing, all the while attempting to not lose contact with each other. Eventually, Helena resettled herself against Myka, breath hitching, eyes closing, soft moan escaping her lips as Myka moved her thigh at the right angle to make her just want to start _moving_. 

Myka was fairly certain that she couldn’t breath, but also that she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to do anything but move with and against Helena, feeling her breathing, hearing the small gasps of breath that left her throat involuntarily, hearing the _very_ voluntary shudders of her name falling from Helena’s lips. This moment, these movements, watching Helena moving above her, it was all she wanted. 

Helena could feel her muscles, her very being starting to pulse and move without any semblance of control. She opened her eyes barely, looking down at Myka who was looking at her with such love and devotion that if she was thinking about anything else in that moment, it was gone in an instant. She braced her weight against one arm on the side of Myka’s head, and moved the other to trace over Myka’s cheek, watching, _feeling_ , as Myka’s own body betrayed her own need for speed and urgency. Just as Helena heard Myka’s breath catch in her throat, as she heard a soft moan escape her lips, she bent down and kissed her, hard and long and intensely, before pulling away and whispering, “Tell me…”

Myka didn’t have to question, didn’t have to wonder, she just _knew_ , and as she gripped tighter against the small of Helena’s back, she leaned up, kissing her softly, before practically gasping out, “I love you.”

Everything after that moment was lost in a haze of sensation and lights flashing behind closed eyelids, muscles pulsing and shaking, gasps and breaths stuttered and found, but Myka at least was aware enough to feel Helena lean down, lips ghosting against her ear, even as she was trying to stifle a moan, “And I, darling, love you.”

**

Helena took in a long, slow, deep breath, letting it fill her in ways she was certain she hadn’t felt since the morning she had gotten Myka’s text. She coiled her arms tighter around Myka’s waist, squeezing her back against her own body, feeling the muscles of Myka’s back tense and release against her chest. Helena tucked her nose against Myka’s temple, breathing deeply, taking in the heady mix of vanilla and mint and just a tinge of vinyl that was so inherently Myka. She carded her fingers through Myka’s curls, pressing a kiss to her temple, hearing her give a small sigh of contentment. Helena’s eyes stole around the ever-lightening room, small, satisfied smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth at the fact that she had, in fact, kept her word about not letting Myka get much sleep. Her gaze roved around all of Myka’s possessions that had been hidden by the darkness earlier in the night, but were slowly being revealed by the sunrise; there was what looked like an original painting of a 38 record, the paint making it look like it was fraying and cracking at the edges, a collage of ticket stubs against the backdrop of a Tom Petty concert poster, and, Helena’s forehead crinkled because _that_ was unexpected, a framed Rockies jersey with “Bering” on the back and an “06” underneath it. 

Helena must have made some sort of involuntary noise, because suddenly Myka was turning her head and staring up at her, “What are you chuckling about back there?”

“Nothing darling, just resuming my thoughts from earlier this evening, and continuing to find it a very odd experience that this is the first time I have been in your bedroom.”

Myka gave a small nod of her head and resumed her position reclining back on Helena’s shoulder, “And what conclusions have you drawn from such ruminations?”

“Ruminations? It is almost five in the morning and _that_ is the word you use?”

Myka let out a soft laugh, “You know you love my vocabulary.”

“That I do…that I do. _Anyway_ , I believe I have concluded that it suits you.”

“It suits me? You do realize that is _exactly_ what I said to you when I first walked into your apartment, right? That seems like cheating.”

Helena twirled one of Myka’s curls around her fingers, tugging gently, “Ok, I admit it wasn’t the most original of comments, however, as I said it is almost five in the morning and _my_ vocabulary isn’t functioning quite so well as yours darling.”

Myka shook her head, “Excuses, excuses, I’m going to have to work on your late night stamina Swagger. It _is_ part of the rock star lifestyle after all.”

Helena gave an ungraceful snort, “If that’s the case I may have signed up for the wrong lifestyle, however, if you are _offering_ to help me improve my late night prospects, I can’t say I would turn that offer down.”

“I would hope not.”

Helena laughed softly, fingers trailing lightly over Myka’s forearms, “I will say one thing though…about your room that is…”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“I was _not_ expecting the baseball memorabilia.”

Myka let out an involuntary, near shout of laughter, “That I can understand, and that is because you didn’t met me _or Pete_ during baseball season. However, I should warn you that April is only a few weeks away.”

“Oh Lord, are you going to turn into some unrecognizable creature that I am going to have to reconsider loving, because that seems problematic to me.”

Myka rolled her eyes, despite the fact that Helena couldn’t see it, and pinched her wrist, “Loving my baseball love is part and parcel of loving me, sorry about that Swagger.”

“Duly noted, darling. So...the jersey?”

Myka nodded slowly, “That…that is something special. Once, and only once, Sam and I were asked to perform the national anthem at a Rockies game. It was opening day 2006, and honestly? It was one of the best days of my life. It was surreal and crazy and I swear to God, as pathetic as it sounds, I cried. They gave us personalized jerseys to remember the day and, well, clearly I appreciated the gesture.”

Helena realized her jaw was hanging slightly ajar, but sometimes these moments caught her up short, these moments of remembering that not that long ago, Myka’s life had been something out of _Rolling Stone_ , that she had lived a life so very different from the one Helena was a part of now. She let out a small sigh, though she couldn’t quite tell if it sounded content or despairing, “That is…incredible. Sometimes…sometimes I think I forget that you had this whole, huge, starlit life before I met you.”

Myka laughed quietly, “Trust me, sometimes I do too, but that, that is a day I choose to remember. That was one of the days that made all the chaos and the insanity worth it.”

Helena hesitated, with words dangling on the tip of her tongue, unsure if they were words appropriate for the time and the place, unsure if they would dampen the haze of desire and contentment still hanging over them. She rolled her eyes, might as well just say them, “Do you miss it? That life?”

Helena felt more than heard the deep breath Myka took, “I used to, but eventually I realized that the life I have now, the things I’m doing, _that’s_ what I was meant to do, that’s what I _love_ doing. The touring, the publicity, the industry bullshit, that was never something I enjoyed, it was something I _survived_. For me, those were things I had to deal with to keep writing. Now though? Now I can still write and live the life I want to live. Much better option in my opinion.”

“And this new job at St. Secord’s? It’s going to give you more of the life you want?”

“I hope so. I mean, it’s always been in the back of my mind, because _that’s_ the stuff I miss, writing with other people, watching an artist take words and turn them into something miraculous, helping people find their sound, that’s what I love, so I’m glad I finally get to be a larger part of that again.”

“Talk about something that suits you…”

Myka looked back at Helena, forehead furrowed in question, “Do you really think so?”

Helena immediately leaned in to kiss away the creases lining Myka’s forehead, “Yes, my love, I do. I’ve watched the way you work with people at the Regents. I’ve heard the music you come up with. It’s magical, Myka, and I, for one, am very happy that you’ve found your way back into that world, and have done it on your own terms, in a way that will make you happy.”

Myka arched her neck back further, placing soft lips against Helena’s, “Thank you for that.”

“You’re welcome darling.”

Myka settled back against Helena laughing, “How we went from baseball to my career’s future is beyond me.”

“I believe it started with my commentary on your bedroom décor.”

“ _Right_. Any other thoughts on that? Or might we possibly start thinking about sleep, little of it that we will get that is…”

Helena pulled Myka closer, humming in thought against the back of her head, “My only other thought is that being in this room, like this, with you wrapped in my arms….this room feels like home.”

Myka sighed contentedly, her hand coming up to idly comb through Helena’s hair, “ _Home_ …I like that thought.”

“As do I love…”

Myka let out a deep breath, “So what do we do now?”

Helena pressed a kiss to the back of Myka’s head, “For now…we sleep, but then, eventually, we figure out who we want to be.”

Myka let out a watery sigh, running quick fingers over her suddenly wet cheeks. The way this woman could spin words, it was no wonder she was bound to be a musician, it was either that or a writer, and with a voice like hers, well, musician seemed to be a destiny sort of thing. Myka shook away the thought and adjusted slightly, allowing her body to slide off of Helena’s, encouraging her to slip onto her side. Myka tugged the comforter up around them, inwardly smiling at Helena’s earlier comments about its color and her eyes and the sunlight, then she slid her arm around Helena’s waist drawing her closer, pressing a kiss to the space between her shoulder blades, “Good night Swagger.”

Helena gave Myka’s arm a squeeze before lacing their fingers together around her waist, reveling in the fact that she was _finally_ back in Myka’s arms, “Good night Sleepy. I love you.”

Helena felt Myka smile against her back, “I love you too.”

**

Myka mindlessly slid her finger across her phone when her alarm went off at 10:30. Instinctually, she curled tighter around Helena, peeking a hand out of the blankets to tuck them up closer around them when her cheek brushed Helena’s shoulder and felt how cold it was. Idly, she considered just going back to sleep, cocooned in the warmth, allowing herself to believe that they had in fact transcended time and space and that her apartment was the only thing that actually existed anymore. 

Helena’s voice emerged from some kind of burrow of pillows and blankets, raspy and sleep-worn, “What time is it?”

Myka placed a small kiss to her quickly warming shoulder blade, “10:30. I’m sorry, I tend to set my alarm for the whole week, at least work days. I didn’t think to adjust it back a little bit this morning.”

Helena groaned pathetically, then arched her back, stretching. Myka could feel the stretch of her calves against her shins, as Helena’s whole body tensed then fell back into its previous languid, sleepy looseness. Helena turned towards her, tucking an arm underneath her own head, and slinging the other around Myka’s waist. She pressed a kiss to Myka’s nose, “It’s alright. I actually need to get up. I probably should have been up a little earlier, but I, too, forgot to think about that last night.”

Myka’s brow tensed, groaning, “Oh God, are you late for something? Did my attempt at grand romanticism screw up your schedule.”

Helena chuckled, “No, it’s fine, but in the interest of time I’m going to blow by your whole self-deprecating comment, and simply say you didn’t attempt, you achieved, and move on. And to answer your question, I’m not late, but I do have a bit of a day in front of me.”

Myka’s brow continued to crinkle and furrow in confusion and worry.

Helena rolled her eyes, “Please get that look off of your face. Trust me, it’s ok.”

“Tell me what you have going on today, convince me that it isn’t a big deal that I’ve let you oversleep.”

Helena sighed, “Once I tell you what’s going on today, it’s going to make the second half of that request impossible.”

“Try me.”

“We have a meeting with Kelly to talk about label meetings. We have our first one tomorrow.” Helena watched as Myka’s eyes widened in horror, she felt her muscles tensing underneath her arm, indicating she was milliseconds from leaping out of bed and probably attempting to throw Helena out of the apartment. Helena tightened her grip around Myka’s waist and rushed on, “Darling…it isn’t until this afternoon. It’s not until 12:45. I have plenty of time. Stop panicking.”

“Oh I am panicking because I’m now realizing that not only have I let you oversleep, I also kept you up way too late and made you get far too little sleep before a huge day. Oh my God, I am a terrible girlfriend.”

Helena let out a small shout of laughter, “Don’t get dramatic on me or anything darling.” She arched an incredulous eyebrow at Myka’s frustrated frown, “It’s really ok, and honestly? This is the best sleep I’ve gotten in weeks, in all actuality,” Helena’s voice trailed away from her, “it isn’t that far off from how much sleep I’ve been getting lately anyway.”

Myka nodded slowly, some of her panic ebbing away though she wasn’t quite sure why, “I think I know a little bit about that.”

Helena nodded almost sadly and placed a kiss against Myka’s cheek, “Though I do maintain I did not oversleep, I _do_ probably need to get going, love.”

Myka uncoiled herself from Helena’s hold, “Of course.”

Helena swung her legs out from under the covers, stretching again as she let her feet settle onto the floor. She shot Myka a look over her shoulder, though Myka wasn’t looking at her, but instead was looking worriedly at her phone, still agonizing over the potential disruption to Helena’s schedule. Helena smiled softly, “We really need to stop this cycle we’re in of spending the night together, only to have one of us need to run out quickly.”

Myka chuckled, “We have had rather unfortunate timing.”

Helena leaned back and ran a finger down Myka’s forearm, “Well, what do you think about actually packing a bag tonight, possibly filled with workout clothes so we can spend the morning running, rather than scrambling around searching for our clothes so we can leave?”

Myka tried to stifle a smirk, but it only half worked, “Are you asking me to sleep over?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I’m _telling_ you that this meeting this afternoon and work this evening will be much more tolerable if I know that my night ends with my girlfriend sleeping next to me. _Also_ , at some point we will eventually have to start running again, can’t have you losing your routine now can we?”

This time Myka didn’t try to hide the smirk that tugged at her lips, “Oh I think we’ll still get _plenty_ of exercise.”

Helena felt a blush creep into her cheeks, but she pushed the feeling aside, “You are insufferable, because though I might not be late, I _certainly_ do not have enough time to deal with you and that _tone_ this morning love.”

“Yeah and what tone is that?”

“You know exactly what tone it is Myka Bering. Your flirty, come here and kiss me tone.”

Myka sighed playfully, “You have discovered all of my secrets, what am I to do?”

“Somehow I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage.” Helena pinched softly at Myka’s side, giving her a quick wink, before removing herself fully from the bed and beginning to extract her clothes from the corners they were strewn into.

**

Myka pulled down the blue travel mug with a soft laugh. She shook her head around the laughter, they really needed to stop doing this, the early wake up calls and the immediate needs that required leaving far too soon after the alarm had gone off. A stray thought pushed its way up to the front of her mind that if they just lived in the same place, the odds were that things wouldn’t always be like this. There would be calm mornings and mornings to sleep in and mornings where her _tone_ worked and mornings where Helena’s winking led to other things besides a smart comment and one of them bounding out of bed. She rolled her eyes at herself, because she was being ridiculous. They were barely back to normal. They were barely twelve hours back to some semblance of normal and she was moving them into the same living space. They had been together for barely two months and she was ready to dive in feet first, head first, whole self first. She took a deep breath. Slow down. Don’t rush. Just _be_ with her.

She poured half of the coffee pot she had made into the travel mug with a small swirl of creamer, letting it curl and twist into a subtle shade of beige, just the way Helena liked it. When she came out of the kitchen, Helena was sitting on the piano bench tugging on her boots. She looked over her shoulder at her, “Ok, I just have to ask, where the bloody hell is your couch?”

Myka chuckled, “In my office slash guest room slash room where things get shoved when I want to make a big, crazy, romantic gesture for my girlfriend.”

“That happens often does it? So much so that you have a designated room for it?”

“Oh all the time Swagger. All the time.”

Helena rolled her eyes, zipped up her boots, and stood, unwilling to fully move towards the door. Her eyes fell to the mug Myka had gripped in her hand, “Finally giving me back my possessions, huh?”

Myka shrugged, “Just the first thing I found.”

“Uh huh,” Helena gratefully took the mug from Myka’s hand, and wrapped her free arm around Myka’s waist, enjoying the rare moment of actually being slightly taller than her, her boots giving her an unfair advantage over Myka’s bare feet. She leaned down and kissed her softly, “Thank you for the coffee love.”

“Anytime. Good luck today. Try not to stress, just listen to what Kelly has to say and everything will be fine. Call me if you need anything.”

“Even if it’s just to panic and say I can’t do this?”

“ _Especially_ if it’s that.”

Helena smiled uncertainly, “That will most likely happen.”

“Don’t think about it, just let it happen, and if all else fails focus on tonight, focus on work...”

“Focus on seeing you…”

“Well…you said it, not me.”

Helena rolled her eyes playfully, “I’ll see you tonight Sleepy.”

“I’ll pack my bag,” Myka winked and gave her another slow, languid, wishing there was more to come after it kiss. “I love you.”

A small surge of contentment swelled in Helena’s chest at the realization that _those words_ were just things they said now, they were part of their _vocabulary_. She smiled wistfully, “I love you too darling.”

**

Myka flicked on the Christmas lights, letting the soft whirr they gave out when they were first turned on fill her. She settled herself behind the counter, setting the needle against an old Simon and Garfunkel album, and flipped open her computer. She had mentioned to Helena that she had her own stressful, unnerving set of tasks ahead of her today. Tasks that she wasn’t quite sure she knew how to perform. How the hell was she supposed to write a want ad for someone to essentially replace herself? She knew she shouldn’t look at it like that, that she would still be at the store plenty, and that it would still be her place and hers would be the final say on decisions, but still, how do you write a want ad for a job that starts and ends with feeling like The Warehouse makes you feel complete?

**

Kelly pressed a button on the stereo remote, her office suddenly echoing in the silence. She let the last vibrations of sound linger, and then she took a deep breath, because now, _now_ it all started. She looked at each of them individually, for only a passing second, but for long enough to gauge where they were at. Claudia and Pete were practically vibrating with excitement, it was exuding from their very pores. Steve seemed calm, yet considering, like he was still trying to put a few last puzzle pieces together, knowing that once he saw the whole thing it would make sense. H.G. though, she was going to take a bit longer to read, because while she seemed happy, pleased, even a tinge excited, there was concern and questioning and just a hint of panic. Kelly gave a swift nod of her head, perfectly normal, and completely expected, especially from these four. It was a good balance. She had hoped that Steve and H.G. would balance out Claudia and Pete’s ready and raring for anything mentality with a little bit of sane rationality. She wasn’t disappointed.

She drummed her fingers against her desk, “Here’s what I want to say first. I know that it isn’t the first time you’ve listened to your demo and it won’t be the last, however, you need to know, to _feel_ right now, to _believe_ just how good this demo is. I’m not saying that because you’re my clients. I’m not saying that to give you some false sense of confidence. If it was shit, I’d tell you it was and that we were going back to the drawing board. This is golden, and not only that, it’s sellable as hell.”

Claudia punched Pete lightly on the shoulder, “It must have been that extra hour you put in on the first _eight seconds_ of ‘Ain’t It Fun’ Pete. That clearly tipped the scales.”

Pete gave a cocky nod, “Oh you know it. Those eight seconds make the entire thing.”

Kelly rolled her eyes playfully, “They’re a good eight seconds Pete. I actually _will_ give you that, however it goes a little bit beyond those eight seconds. You guys _have_ something. You have a chemistry that few bands ever attain, and the fact that you back it up with your own writing and sounding damn good, well, let’s just say it makes my job a little bit easier.”

Helena eyed her carefully, “So what now?”

Kelly nodded, immediately back to business, “Now we game plan. We figure out how to sell this demo. How to sell you guys.”

Steve looked at her quizzically, his tone coming slow and sure, “Will that be difficult?”

“Honestly? I distributed this thing to labels last week and since then I have had calls from eight of the nine that received it.”

Pete gave a low whistle, his tone no longer teasing, but serious, “That seems a bit unbelievable.”

Kelly considered, “It is a bit unprecedented since it was a fairly wide swath of labels that I sent it to. Some I figured wouldn’t want to touch it, just from the fact that it isn’t their style, but even they called. However, we still have to be discerning. This isn’t just about finding you guys a contract as soon as possible. This is about finding a label that _fits_ you, that fits your needs, who you are. That’s the key.”

“So what do we do now? How do we figure out how to _sell_ us and figure out what fits?” Claudia’s tone was actually calm and clear. Her excitement starting to ebb into rational thinking.

Kelly bobbed her head back and forth in thought, “It depends on the label with the selling aspect, but the fit? You guys will know. You guys will know instantly if you feel comfortable or if you want to look somewhere else. Hopefully, you’ll be comfortable in a couple of places and we can be a bit more picky. For now though, there are a few things we want to focus on. I want to make sure that we hit, very hard and very early, on how much you and H.G. are writing Claudia.”

“Why is that?” Helena’s tone belied her concern at the way Kelly said that.

Kelly sighed, “There’s one thing some labels _have_ expressed concern about. Some of them have been to your shows and they have concerns about all the covers. They want to make sure that you guys have a voice, a sound of your own. They want to make sure that you guys have something to say on your own.”

Claudia rushed in, her anxiety showing in the speed of her words, “But H.G. and I have a ton of stuff, it just hasn’t been ready for shows and all of our demo is original and we can explain that…”

Kelly held up a stilling hand, “I know Claud, and I explained that, and most people agreed that at the stage you guys are at, covers are to be expected. I’m just saying that we need to make sure that we emphasize that you guys are writing your own stuff, that it’s part of what makes you guys, well, you.”

Pete clapped a consoling hand on Claudia’s shoulder, “Deep breaths there Claud. Don’t jump off the deep end on us. We got this.”

Kelly smiled at Pete’s easy confidence, “Pete’s right. I have zero doubt in my mind that within the next couple of weeks we’re going to be sitting here figuring which label you guys want to sign with. I feel very confident in saying to you guys, even before we have started these meetings, that it is no longer a matter of if, but when for you guys.”

Helena took in a deep breath, steadying herself and fighting off the urge to pull her phone out and text Myka in all capital letters that she DIDN’T FEEL READY. She closed her eyes for the briefest of seconds, stilling herself. This is what she wanted. This was why she had moved to Colorado. This was the next step. This needed to happen. Nerves were normal, but she could do this. 

Kelly clapped her hands softly, ready to get down to business, “Ok, for now, let’s talk about your meeting tomorrow morning. This one is really just kind of wading into the shallow end. It’s a small label, a bit indie, in all honesty they’re pretty new, so I don’t know a ton about them, but I’ve heard some of their artists and you guys seemed like you might be up their alley. They call themselves Alice’s Mirror, don’t ask me why because I have no fucking clue, maybe an _Alice in Wonderland_ thing, I don’t know. All I know is that they were one of the first to call back, so we just go in and see what they have to say. Be open minded, but don’t jump immediately. Ask questions if you have them, don’t feel like you have to hold back. And most importantly, be yourselves. Your music is about the four of you, and so you have to show them who you guys are, individually and as a group. Sound good?”

They all nodded. This was just a first step. They didn’t have to decide anything right this second, or even today, or even this week. This was a process.

Pete cleared his throat slightly, “Who else are we meeting with? Just so we have some idea…”

Kelly nodded and handed them each a piece of paper, “I made you guys a schedule of meetings, times, places, some details about the labels. Everything you need to know is on that list.”

Helena glanced over it, her eyebrows shooting up quickly, “We have a meeting with St. Secord? I didn’t think we were really their type, at least based on what I’ve heard from Myka.”

Kelly smiled, she had almost forgotten about the Myka Bering factor with these four. Of course Myka would have filled them in on some things, and Kelly, for one, was thankful for that. It would help them in the long run that they had someone else in their corner that knew the industry. She nodded her head, “Myka’s right. You guys aren’t really part of their style. I was shocked that they called honestly. I had sent them the demo more out of courtesy because we have so many artists on their label. We have a good relationship with them, so I figured why the hell not, but when I got the call from Jack I was a bit shocked. I wasn’t going to tell them no, because well, they’re St. Secord and you just don’t tell them no.”

Steve looked at Kelly skeptically, “Do you really think we have a shot there? I mean honestly?”

Kelly shrugged her shoulders, “I’m not sure actually. I didn’t think so, but after talking to Jack, it sounds like they might be looking to branch out to new genres, but here’s the thing, yes, they are St. Secord and yes, they are an incredible label, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the right fit.”

Helena arched an eyebrow towards Kelly, “That sounds like you have concerns.”

Kelly hummed softly, “I wouldn’t call them concerns per se, but I have _questions_. If they are looking to branch out that’s fantastic, but that also means they don’t have a ton of experience marketing a group like you guys. I’m not sure I would advise signing with a label that doesn’t have a lot of rock artists signed on. It’s risky, no matter how much you trust them. _Also_ ,” Kelly hesitated briefly, but she knew that if she was expecting honesty from the four of them, she had to give it right back, “I do have some reservations about signing you guys on to a label where two of your significant others have major ties. Liam’s one of their artists right Steve?”

Steve nodded and smiled, “He is.”

“And, well, I don’t really think I need to clarify Myka’s relationship with Jack and Rebecca.”

Helena chuckled, “No, I think we’re all pretty clear on that.”

“On the one hand, those ties are great, but on the other, it can make it difficult when the personal and the professional blur that much. I want you guys to have your own space to do your own thing. I don’t want it looking like St. Secord is just making a ‘family’ kind of decision. You guys deserve your own space. Does that make sense?”

They all nodded, but it was Claudia who vocalized her thoughts, “It makes sense. I want us to do this on our own, we’ve always been really clear about that, especially with Myka, and I don’t want to sign with a label just because they think they need to support us because of Myka or Liam. I want us to sign somewhere on our own merits.”

Kelly smiled, “And I’m not saying that St. Secord wouldn’t want to sign you on your own merits, but I’m just laying out my thoughts to you guys.”

Suddenly, Pete’s head shot up, eyebrows near his hairline, “We have a meeting with Artifact Records?”

Kelly laughed softly, “Don’t sound so surprised Pete. Yes, you guys _are that good_ , and honestly I have to say that I think that Artifact is your best bet.”

Claudia’s face mirrored Pete’s perfectly, complete shock and incredulousness, “No way. They’re the largest label in town.”

“I know, and my firm represents a lot of their clients. They have a solid reputation of taking groups like you guys and turning them into stars. Look down their artist list, there are a lot of bands like you guys on that list, a lot of bands who have seen a ton of success because they signed with Artifact.”

Pete’s face fell a little bit, and when Helena looked at him she realized that somewhere along the line he had picked up Myka’s habit of biting her bottom lip when she was nervous or uncertain about something. However, on Myka it was endearing, on Pete it was simply unnerving, because Pete was not one to usually look shaken. He rubbed his palm against the back of his neck. Helena shook her head, another Myka habit, these two had spent far too much time together. He ran his hand over his hair, scrunching it up slightly, “Ok, I might end up regretting saying this, but we’re supposed to be honest right?”

Kelly looked at him a bit apprehensively, “Yes…”

“Look, I don’t want to be that guy who keeps referring back to what Myka has told me, because I get that this is about us and no one else, but it’s just I remember when Myka and Sam were on the brink of getting signed, and well, Artifact was definitely on the table, but they didn’t go with them, because they had concerns about the way they treat their artists. Myka referred to it as an assembly line at one point. They just make their artists get on board with their plans and if they don’t it gets kind of ugly. I mean, is that accurate? Plus, most of us do also know Vanessa Calder…hell, she’s H.G.’s boss, so do we need to be concerned about that connection too?”

Kelly sat silently for a few brief moments, wondering how much to say, but Pete was right, they were supposed to be honest here, and if she starting holding back on them this early in their relationship, they might back out from her being their manager, and Kelly knew with pure certainty that this was not a group to lose. She sat up a bit straighter, “Let me address the Vanessa thing first. To me, that’s less of an issue, because Vanessa and Artie Nielsen have been very good at keeping their personal and private lives separate. Ever since Vanessa left Artifact, there’s been a very clear line in the sand about how that operates. Plus, at this rate, in this town, most people trying to make it have connections to the Regents, Vanessa knows basically everyone, so we can’t really let that hold us back. I have a few clients that Vanessa steered towards me from the Regents, who did end up signing at Artifact, and others who signed elsewhere, it’s never really been an issue.”

Pete nodded slowly, “Ok, well what about the other things?”

Kelly took a deep breath, “That’s a bit more complicated, because Myka is not wrong, or at least at the time Myka wasn’t wrong. When Myka and Sam were breaking in, Artifact had a really bad reputation for making their artists tow a really straight line, and really abide by company structures. Now, there’s no denying, it worked. They were immensely successful during that period, but they also lost a lot of artists that way. Their mentality did nothing to engender loyalty, and so a lot of artists got started with them, found their footing, and then bailed. Artie gained quite the reputation of isolating his artists, making poor creative decisions, and not thinking very far in the future.”

Helena had been quiet for much of this meeting, but finally piped up, “Then why exactly does he still have a job?”

“Because regardless of reputation, he made Artifact a lot of money that way. I mean it’s a terrible business model, but you can’t deny the numbers.”

Claudia tried to stifle her scoff, but couldn’t quite manage it, “But wait, if that’s how things are explain to me why we’re taking this meeting?”

Kelly laughed softly, “Man, you don’t hold back do you Claud?”

“Nope,” Claudia gave her a bright, near cocky smile.

“We’re taking the meeting because you don’t _not_ take a meeting with Artifact if it’s offered, simply because they are a huge label, that is really successful. However, that’s not the only reason for it. Not a lot of people know this because they’ve been very good at keeping it quiet, but over the last year, Artifact has been steadily reducing Artie’s role in client relations and creative decisions. They’ve been phasing him out into a more financial role. He still has a voice in things, but that voice is getting quieter. Recently, they’ve brought in someone new whose job is solely about client relations, and _her_ reputation precedes her. She made quiet a name for herself in New York a few years ago, bringing a crumbling label back from the brink and turning it into one of the most successful labels in the Northeast. Artifact had been pursuing her for awhile, but they’ve only just been able to persuade her to come out here.”

Steve smiled softly, “Jesus who is this woman?”

Kelly arched a secretive eyebrow, “Irene Frederic.”

“Holy shit…” Claudia’s tone was half-awe, half-terror, “That woman is a legend. She’s seriously at Artifact now?”

Kelly nodded, smirking, “She is. She’s who your meeting is with.”

Steve let out a low whistle, “Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting that.”

“I don’t think any of us were Steven,” Helena’s voice came out a bit breathless, but all of this was suddenly hitting her, it was starting to come into clarity just how close they were to getting their break. It was unnerving and completely intoxicating.

“She is why I think Artifact is your best shot, you guys. Irene Frederic is known for the way she helps artists find their voice and develop, while also making decisions that help them become wildly successful. I honestly think that if she is at Artifact, she could help you guys become exactly what everyone who has heard your demo thinks you could be.”

“There’s part of me that really wants to ask why we’re meeting with anyone else, but of course, I realize that would be really dumb, because obviously we need to keep our options open, but…well…damn.” Pete shook his head at his own glorious ineloquence.

“Exactly Pete. I’m saving Artifact for last, because I want to have everything on the table before we hear their pitch. I want to know all the factors and I want to be able to go in with a little bit of ammunition, _especially_ if St. Secord offers you guys something. Nothing drives Artifact crazier than losing an artist to St. Secord. Believe me, if you guys could have heard the things that were said in that office when Sam and Myka signed with Jack and Rebecca…I’m surprised the building didn’t burn down.”

Helena couldn’t stop the chuckle that left her mouth, her mind immediately swirling back to the night before and she and Myka’s struggle over the damn candles. She tried to turn it into a cough, but the looks on everyone’s faces indicated she wasn’t even close to successful. She blushed slightly, “Sorry, just something caught in my throat.”

Kelly arched a curious eyebrow at her, missing Claudia and Pete’s shared eye roll because clearly that was some sort of weird H.G. and Myka _moment_ , but they chose to ignore it and move on. Claudia shot H.G. a wink and a smirk, before continuing on, “So basically what you’re saying is that we don’t want to make any decisions until we’ve heard everything there is to hear.”

“Basically. I mean, I think you’ll know which ones you want to eliminate fairly quickly, because like I said earlier, you guys will know where you feel comfortable and where you don’t, but ultimately, yes, we’ll wait to make any decisions until we’ve met with everyone.”

Helena shrugged her shoulders and let out a long breath, “So all we can really do now is wait and see what happens next.”

Kelly smiled, “Pretty much. We start tomorrow, and we see what happens. As long as you guys are yourselves and as long as people are actually using their ears and listening to this demo, I have a feeling at the end of this, you guys are going to have quite a decision to make.”

Claudia’s voice, when it came had a certain measure of whimsy to it, “This is really happening…”

Kelly nodded, taking them all in, with all their excitement and anxiety, they were on the brink of their lives completely changing, and they all seemed relatively ready. She smiled softly at all of them, “It really is. This is really happening, and I, for one, cannot wait to see what comes next.”

**

Helena finally let out the breath she felt like she’d been holding all day, reclining deeper into Myka’s chest. She smiled, eyes closing against the feeling of Myka’s fingers carding through her hair. She took a long, slow sip of her wine. This was the moment she had been waiting for all day, just her and Myka, two glasses of wine, something ridiculously horrendous on the television, and the peace and quiet of her apartment.

Myka hummed quietly against the crown of Helena’s head, “You okay down there?”

Helena sighed and nestled further into Myka’s hold, “I am perfection incarnate darling. It’s just been a long day, and I have been waiting for this precise moment since I left your apartment this morning.” Helena could feel Myka smiling against her hair; it was comforting, that feeling, that feeling of being exactly where you were supposed to be in one precise moment. It grounded her, making the off-kilter feeling she had been experiencing most of the day start to ebb into the distance. 

“You haven’t said anything about your meeting with Kelly…”

Helena could hear the edge of concern creeping into Myka’s voice. She smiled softly, Myka was always so close to worry, at least when it came to her, “I think I’m still just trying to process everything.”

“Once things start moving, it can feel a little chaotic until you get used to it. You’ll get your footing and then it will start to feel less disorienting.”

“I hope so. I think I’m just still a little baffled that this is really happening. I mean, I’m _happy_ it is, but it’s just…it’s just so overwhelming.”

Myka nodded, thinking back to this precise moment in her life. She had no idea how she really handled it when she had been so very young, probably too young. She thought about what she would have wanted to hear in this moment, “It’s ok to feel overwhelmed with this Helena. What you guys are doing? This is a huge step, and I know it can feel like a life-changing step, and in a lot of ways it is, so it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, as long as in the midst of that, you also feel like this is what you want.”

“I do. I mean, listening to our demo in Kelly’s office, it just kind of hit me in this very out-of-body way that it was _us_ coming through the speakers. I think it was the first time I really heard us and realized that we are good.”

Myka chuckled, somewhat incredulously, “You guys are ridiculously good, I’m just glad you’re finally realizing it. People are going to go crazy over you guys. Hell, they already are.”

“I just hope a _label_ goes crazy for us. If they don’t, all of this is a bit of a mute point.”

“They will, trust me. What did Kelly have to say, though? How does she feel about where you guys are at?”

“She seemed excited, positive. I mean, I feel like she had the right amount of reserve and caution, but overall I felt good with what we discussed. It seems like there are a lot of prospects, so that’s a good thing.”

Myka took a sip of her wine, and pressed a kiss to Helena’s temple, “If that’s the case why do you sound slightly unnerved?”

Helena let out a soft chuckle, “Because I’m nervous, I think. I mean, sure, it can _sound_ like there is all this potential, and Kelly can feel hopeful that we’ll get an offer, but what if we don’t? What if we don’t present well? What if we walk into these labels and they want nothing to do with us?”

Myka knew so intimately how difficult this situation was, and she realized that she was possibly one of the few people who could help the four of them through this. She took a deep breath, “I really want to simply say that that won’t happen, but I realize that wouldn’t exactly be helpful. Here’s the thing, your demo is going to do most of the talking for you. At a baseline level, label executives are looking for the right kind of music, and as long as none of you seem like you’re going to be a huge pain in the ass, they’ll be inclined to give you a shot. I’ve heard your demo Swagger. It is what people want. The industry is taking a turn back towards groups like you guys, and that’s a good thing, because honestly? There aren’t many of you guys out there, so the fact that you’re presenting labels with such an amazing opportunity to tap into what people want, it’s going to give you guys a lot of options.”

“I just want us to find the right fit, but then I wonder, how the bloody hell will we know what the right fit is?”

Myka nodded thoughtfully, “Ok, is that kind of a rhetorical question or do you want me to really answer it?”

“I think I want you to really answer it. How did you guys know? I mean, if you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to but…”

“No, no, it’s totally ok. Swagger, this is what I’m here for. I do have _a bit_ of experience here in knowing what you’re going through, you can ask whatever questions you want. I want to be able to do whatever I can to make this easier for you guys, or at least help ease some of the nerves.”

“Ok, then I’m definitely asking…how did you know?”

Myka let her thoughts drift back. That time in her life felt like it was hundreds of years ago in some ways, but in others it felt like it all just happened. She let out a soft breath of an exhale, “For us, it was a bit simple because St. Secord is basically _the_ label for what we were doing. _However_ , I also knew the second that I met Jack and Rebecca that they would take care of us. They listened to what we had to say. They listened to our concerns, our needs. Hell, they even let Sam kind of yell at them at one point, and they took it in stride. Sidenote, I don’t recommend yelling at record executives when you’re in the middle of contract negotiations.”

Helena laughed softly, “Duly noted. You might want to pass that advice along to Pete and Claudia.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Helena sat up and turned around to face Myka, her shins tucking up against Myka’s knees, “What should we be on the lookout for though? Are there red flags that we should notice? Certain things we should hear?”

Myka considered the question, “There’s no real set formula, because each group’s needs are different, but what I will say is that you want flexibility. You want a certain amount of creative freedom. If a label tells you that they will sign you, but only if you put a certain number of _their_ approved songs on it, stay away from that, because that’s just sapping your creative license right off the bat. If they spend a lot of time talking about timelines and deadlines, I’d be a little leery. You want a label that will give you the time to let an album happen organically, so that it sounds like you guys, not some imitation of you guys. Those are always the two big things I tell people at the Regents when they ask me. You want a label that wants _you_ , not the version of you that they think they can mold you into.”

Helena hung her head in her hands for a moment, before running her hands through her hair tightly. Everything that Myka said made sense, and she knew that _that_ was the exact kind of label they should be looking for, but then she thought about what Kelly said about Artifact being their best bet and she wondered if they would ever get so lucky as to find someone that wanted them for _them_. She groaned, “Kelly thinks that Artifact is going to be our best shot at a contract.”

Myka couldn’t stop her eyes from widening, knowing that her lips were tugging into an involuntary grimace. She tugged on one of her curls, “Why does she think that?”

“A lot of reasons.” Helena considered Myka’s confused, concerned grimace. She wondered if somehow Myka hadn’t heard about the changes going on at the label, if Vanessa hadn’t shared that with her. It was odd if she hadn’t, but then again, maybe it was still too new and too raw for Vanessa to talk about. She gave Myka an inscrutable look, “Myka, has Vanessa said anything to you lately about Artie?”

Myka’s brows furrowed, “No, why?” 

Helena could hear the concern creeping into the edges of her voice, “Kelly said that Artifact has quietly been phasing him out of artists relations, relegating him to the finances and nothing else.” She paused, taking in Myka’s dropped jaw, the shock on her face. She smiled slightly, certain that Myka had no idea how aghast she looked, “They’ve brought in Irene Frederic.”

“What?” Myka couldn’t help the shout that escaped her. She had no idea how that information had been kept so far under wraps that she hadn’t heard it. She had no idea how Vanessa had kept it quiet, let alone _why_ she had kept it quiet.

Helena nodded slowly, “Kelly said they’ve finally had enough with the way Artie treated artists and so they brought her in. We have a meeting with them in a couple of weeks, with _her_.”

“I can see why Kelly thinks they’re your best option then, because…well…damn. If Irene Frederic is going to become the head of Artifact, you _want_ to be a part of that.”

“That’s exactly what Kelly said.”

Myka sighed, her eyes glazing over into a kind of far away stare, whispering, “I can’t believe Vanessa didn’t tell me this…”

Helena wrapped a soft hand around Myka’s knee, her other hand linking with Myka’s, thumb tracing over her knuckles, “Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she didn’t know how.”

“Maybe.” Myka shook her head, “God…I can’t believe that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely the right call. If I’m being completely honest I have a feeling Vanessa would objectively say it’s the right call too, but still. That had to have come as quite the blow to them. Did Kelly say anything else?”

“Not really. Just to keep it quiet, but that she also thought these changes indicated that Artifact is what we need to aim for, though she said she was still reserving judgment until the meeting, because she still has some concerns.”

Myka laughed softly, “I knew there was a reason I liked her. I knew there was a reason her company is so damn successful, because she’s absolutely right to be a little cautious.” Myka paused, thoughts still clearly elsewhere, “Wow…I just can’t believe this. I hope Vanessa’s ok.”

Helena ran a light hand over Myka’s cheek, feeling a tug in her chest as she watched Myka’s eyes close as she leaned into the touch, “I’m sure she is love, and if she’s not, she’ll talk to you eventually. She probably just needs some time.”

“I know. You’re right.” Myka turned and pressed a kiss to Helena’s palm, feeling its warmth spread across her skin and sink into her bloodstream, “Think you might be ready to head to bed?”

Helena yawned as if on cue, a strangled laugh coming out at the end of it, “Apparently I am.”

Myka chuckled, leaning across their tangled up legs, kissing Helena softly, but with just a slight hint of desperation, “I hope you’re not _too_ tired.”

Helena pulled away, just barely, “Oh I’m sure I could be persuaded to stay awake for a little while longer…”

Myka pressed another quick peck to Helena’s mouth, “Lucky for you, I happen to be _very_ persuasive.”

“Lucky for me? I would say lucky for you as well Sleepy.”

Myka gave Helena a sly, secretive, near seductive smirk, “Oh I would definitely agree. Very, _very_ lucky for me.”

Helena chuckled, “My insufferable Myka…take me to bed.”

Myka didn’t need to be asked twice. She didn’t say another word, just tugged Helena off the couch and down the hall towards the bedroom.

**

“Worst goddamn afternoon, ever.” Pete tugged off his coat and threw it into the corner of the booth, before sliding into it, gesturing without care for Helena to sit down on his side of the booth.

Helena collapsed next to him, with a little more grace, and let her head fall back against the vinyl seat, “I would have to concur with you on that Peter.”

“They offered us a contract for _no_ money. I mean I realize rock ‘n roll isn’t about money, but Jesus, they made it sound like they would pay us when they, I don’t know, moved their company into something that wasn’t one of their mom’s living rooms.” Claudia’s head made a distinct thumping sound as it hit the edge of the table. Pete and Helena both grimaced at the sound though Claudia didn’t move, simply muttering, “Ow…”

“Come on Steve-O save us from our depression. Tell us it wasn’t that bad, please.” Pete stretched his arms across the table, folding his hands in a desperate plea for mercy.

Steve slouched down next to Claudia groaning loudly, “I wish I could, but _oh my God_ , that was bad. Yes, Claud, the money and don’t forget the, ‘oh and you can only record things from our writers.’ Though I think my favorite was when they far too enthusiastically said, ‘you guys would be our _third_ artist.’ Like that was supposed to make us want to sign.”

Pete ran his hands over his head, tugging at his hair, pulling it in all directions, making it look like he’d just rolled out of bed. He sighed loudly, despairingly, “Holy shit…you guys…what if they’re all like this? What if every single meeting is like this?”

Helena patted lightly at Pete’s hand, “They won’t be Pete. Kelly told us this label was new, just getting off the ground. She told us not to expect much.”

“I think I was expecting a little bit more than this. H.G. they didn’t even sound like they’d _listened_ to our demo.”

“I know, but we have seven more meetings, most of which are with labels that are a bit more established. It will get better.”

Claudia untangled a hand and pointed a finger at H.G., never moving her head from its position of resting face down on her forearms, staring at the floor, “Listen to the all-knowing H.G. Pete.”

Steve groaned again, stretching his neck, “If all of them are like this, I won’t survive seven more meetings of that. I will go certifiably insane. We all will.”

Helena struggled to keep her tone even, “I really don’t think that they will all be like this. You all know that Artifact and St. Secord certainly won’t.”

Claudia’s head raised up from her arms, eyes wide, “What if we’re terrible? What if we’re actually really, really bad, and all of the good labels just laugh us out of the building and we’ll be stuck signing with someone like this or no one at all. Ugh.” Her head made a lighter thumping noise hitting her arms instead of the table.

“C’mon Claud, Kelly wouldn’t lead us on like that,” Pete reached a hand over and ruffled Claudia’s hair, though you could see his heart wasn’t in it.

Claudia picked her head up, looking frighteningly certain, “Kelly barely knows us, Pete. How do we know she wouldn’t do that?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Because that would be an idiotic way to run a business, Claudia.”

“Still, what if she likes our music because she’s weird, and these labels are just going to listen to our demo more and realize we suck?”

“Claud…” Steve’s tone was gentle but admonishing.

“I know,” she sighed, “I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect today to be so catastrophically bad.”

Steve laughed softly, “I’m not sure any of us did.”

Pete pinched the bridge of his nose, “Man, what a fucking disaster.”

Helena took a deep breath, trying to still her heart which was hammering in her ears, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes, feeling the tightening prick of tears building. She stood up quickly, trying not to make eye contact with any of them, “I need some air.” She rushed out of the diner before any of them could say anything. 

Once she was out of the restaurant, she leaned against the building taking in huge gulps of searing, cold air, feeling it flame and then tighten in her chest. She tugged her phone out of her back pocket, fingers fumbling to dial. She closed her eyes against the dial tone, biting down on her lip, whispering to no one in particular, “Pick up, pick up, pick up…”

The phone clicked over and Myka’s voice washed over her, “Hey you…how was the meeting?” 

The lightness of Myka’s tone, the happiness, the _hope_ that was pulsating through the phone threw Helena over the edge, her breath catching in her chest, the tears that she had been trying to hold back falling instantly. Her voice caught in her throat as she tried to talk, only allowing her to choke out a solitary word, “Awful…”

“Oh God…Helena…” 

Helena swallowed and fought through the tears to keep talking, because if Myka kept talking in that tone, in that comforting, conciliatory tone, she knew she’d never stop crying. She took a shaky breath, “It was terrible. This label was so tiny, we met them in someone’s bloody _house_ , Myka, and I’m fairly certain it was one of their mother’s. They offered no money and their demands were ridiculous. And now we’re all sitting at the Black Bear and Claudia keeps rambling about how this is how it could be and wondering if we’re terrible and God, I just…I don’t know what to do. I had to get away for a second, because I couldn’t keep listening to them all falling down this hole of how all of our lives are going to go down the drain.”

“Totally understandable. God, I’m so sorry that it went that way, Swagger. I can’t even imagine…”

Helena didn’t allow enough time to find out what Myka couldn’t imagine, because she couldn’t stop herself, “What if they’re right?”

“Helena?”

Helena could feel, could _hear_ her own tone hardening, a sinking feeling creeping into her stomach, “What if they’re right? What if it’s just going to be like this? What if we have been absolutely fooling ourselves into thinking that we could do this?”

“Hey…don’t...don’t let yourself sink into that quicksand Helena because you won’t get out. From the sounds of it, this wasn’t about you guys. This was about a shitty, inexperienced label, who is probably just setting up meetings with every group that sends them a demo in the hopes that some of them are dumb enough to sign. I guarantee this has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you guys. You guys are….incredible.”

“You’re my girlfriend, you have to say that.”

Helena could tell that Myka tried to stifle her chuckle, but she wasn’t particularly successful, “That is true, I am your girlfriend, _however_ that also tends to mean I can’t lie to you so…”

A small smile tugged at Helena’s lips, “So I should listen to you.”

“Precisely.” 

Helena could practically hear Myka’s confident, playful smirk. She shook her head, holding in incredulous laughter, “What are you doing tonight?”

“Absolutely nothing. I pretty much had a hot date with my book and my sweatpants.”

“How unbelievably sexy darling.”

“Hey…you love my sweatpants.”

Helena finally felt a real laugh push through her lungs, “That I do, but there are specific reasons for that…”

“With that tone, I don’t even want to know how that sentence is going to end.”

“Oh Myka Bering, always so bashful…”

“That’s me, bashful Bering.”

“Oh I believe I have a new nickname for you darling.”

Helena chuckled as she heard Myka groan loudly, “If you haven’t had such a shitty day, I would have more words for you at the moment Swagger…”

“Ah, but I have had a spectacularly shitty day, so those words will have to wait.”

“So, is winding me up and frustrating me all part of your plan to see if I’m free tonight? Or are you just trying to make me second-guess whether I’m free and thus make your own life harder?”

“Well, you do know how much I love a challenge darling.”

“That I do.”

“ _However_ , I shall refrain from further frustration-inducing comments, because you’re right, they don’t exactly serve my purposes at the moment. So…you’re free tonight?”

“Yes.”

Helena couldn’t help the smile that stole across her face, “What do you say to going out, consuming an obscene amount of food, and possibly alcohol, all in an effort to make me forget my terrible day?”

“I would say that sounds like a fairly perfect evening. I’ll even throw in an offer to take you to a really cheesy, ridiculous movie all in an effort to make you forget your sorrows.”

“That sounds perfect.”

“I just got back from my afternoon with my mom, but I don’t have much to do if you feel like just coming over now?”

Helena sighed, “I wish I could, but I need to stick around here for a little bit longer. Hopefully, I’ve given them all enough time to move past the self-pity portion of our post-meeting coffee and we can move on to planning next steps.”

“Hopefully. Well, I’ll be here, if you just want to come over whenever you’re done, or if you need to head home I can pick you up later.”

“I’ll text you when we’re finished. I will most likely just come to your place.”

“Sounds good. Maybe I’ll even put on my sweatpants, just for you…wouldn’t want our date to deprive you of that _joyous_ image.”

Helena laughed softly, “I love you…”

“I love you too Swagger.” There was a momentary pause, before Helena heard Myka take a deep breath, “Helena…it really will be ok. It was one meeting, and shitty or not, it’s behind you now and you guys just have to keep moving forward. I would not lie to you guys about how much I believe in you. It’s going to happen for you guys, it just might take a little time.”

“Thank you love.”

“Anytime. I’ll see you in a little bit. Call if you need anything, even if that includes yelling at the three of them.”

“I’ll keep that in mind…”

“Good. Ok, drive safe. It’s supposed to snow.”

“I will.”

**

Myka pushed her glasses to the top of her head, running her thumb and index finger over her eyes, letting them come together to pinch the bridge of her nose. She rolled her neck trying to stretch it out from the last hour plus of hanging down over the contract that Jack and Rebecca had sent her earlier in the week. She yawned and let her gaze trail to the snow falling outside the windows of Pikes Peak. She glanced at her watch, Pete should have been there by now. As if on cue, the bell over the door rang out and Pete practically blew in the door, feet stomping against the floor, clumps of snow falling from his boots. He waved to Myka, then shouted towards Wolly, “For the love of God, the hottest cup of coffee you have Wolly.”

“You got it Pete. You do remember you live in Colorado right?”

“Yes, English, I do, however, I’m starting to question why.”

Myka chuckled and shook her head, yelling out, “I’d hope because you know your best friend and your girlfriend are here.” Pete rolled his eyes as he made his way to the table, shaking his coat off of his shoulders and trying to fling as much snow out of his hair as possible. Myka grimaced as a few drops hit the contract in front of her, “Lovely Lattimer, you’re acting like a wet dog.”

“Part of my charm, all part of my charm.” Pete gratefully took the cup of coffee Wolly had brought over and immediately started dumping sugar packets into it, grumbling, “It is almost March, it should not be this fucking cold.”

“I think I have to echo Wolly’s sentiments there Pete. Did you get hit on the head on your way over here and suddenly forget where you live? We have at least three more weeks of this, if not more.”

“Ugh, do not remind me.”

Myka arched an eyebrow at him over her mug, making a soft noise of questioning, “Boy, you’re in a _great_ mood this afternoon. Should I even ask how your meetings went this morning? Helena had to go straight to work from it, so I haven’t heard anything yet.”

Pete groaned, staring into his mug, “The meeting actually went really, really well. This was one where I finally feel like, if nothing else works out, we could totally sign with them and be ok.”

“Pete! That’s fantastic!” Myka paused, taking in the crease in Pete’s forehead, the way his shoulders slumped forward, how he wasn’t quite meeting her eye. She reached a hand over and squeezed his forearm, “Pete? What’s the matter?”

He shook his head, letting more water droplets freckle the table, “It’s nothing.”

“Oh come on Lattimer. You can’t give me the puppy dog eyes and then tell me it’s nothing. Spill it.”

Pete sighed and when he finally met Myka’s gaze she could see a hint of tears at the corners of his eyes, “It really is nothing. Amanda and I got into a stupid fight, and then she had to leave for work so we left things really open-ended, and I just hate when it goes like that.”

Myka grimaced slightly, Pete and Amanda didn’t fight often, but when they did, they usually made the most of it, “What happened?”

“We just haven’t seen each other very much lately. Her work schedule has been insane, and with all these meetings and Claudia wanting us to talk _at length_ about them afterwards, plus the extra practice and the gigs, on top of my actual, ya know, _work_ , it’s been tough. She said she feels like I’m dating the band instead of her, I said some really stupid things about feeling like my life will suck if the band falls apart, and well, it wasn’t pretty after that.”

“Yikes.”

“Yup.” He ran his hands through his hair, “I don’t know Mykes. I mean I know, _I know_ that my life will be ok if this thing with the band doesn’t go anywhere, but I can’t help but feel like if we totally fail at this, all of this, the last three years will have been a total waste and I’ll have _nothing_ to show for it.”

Myka felt the muscles in her stomach clench, because there was that _tone_. That tone she hadn’t heard since the day Helena started with the band. That tone that said Pete was slowly falling apart, doubting his every move. She hated that tone. She reached for his hand, which he took all too willingly, “Pete, you guys aren’t going to fail. _You aren’t_. You have had three labels offer you guys contracts, and I know, I know they weren’t right, but the fact that they’ve offered? That says you’re close. You’re so close. That’s probably why it feels like it’s on the brink of collapse.”

Pete rolled his eyes, “Are you really feeding me all that darkest before the dawn bullshit?”

“It isn’t bullshit Pete, it’s a cliché, but usually clichés _are cliché_ s for a reason, because they’re true.”

“I just can’t have this disappear Mykes. I can’t…”

There was something in Pete’s tone that unsettled Myka, because it was just this side of different, a little darker, a little more worrisome, “Pete? What else is going on?”

He didn’t say anything for a solid minute, just stared out the window at the snow, until finally he spoke, words creeping out of his mouth cracked and near silent, “I haven’t proposed yet…”

Myka closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath, “Why not?”

“Because…because I’ve been waiting. Waiting until we get a deal. Which I know is stupid, but God, Mykes, I want Amanda to feel secure in the future we’re going to build. I want her to know that there’s more on the horizon, that she’s not just marrying some wrestling coach, but someone who can support her and kids and give her the life that she deserves.”

Myka held up a hand to stop him, “Ok, please tell me that you aren’t giving me the whole you need to be the top breadwinner thing? Please, please tell me this isn’t some insecure guy thing about needing to make more money?”

“No! No, no, no, Mykes that’s not it. I just…Amanda deserves this big, huge, amazing life, and I want that with her. I want us to be able to not worry about having kids and being able to take care of them. I want us to not have to worry about budget cuts and whether or not I’m going to have a job next year. I want us to be able to get married and start planning a future that doesn’t have all these unknowns.”

“Pete…life is always going to have unknowns.”

“I know, I just…I don’t know…I want to be able to give her everything.”

Myka smiled softly, “Ok, I’m going to say this once and only once, and only because I love you. Pete, telling her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, that you want to build a family with her, that you want it to be the two of you until…forever. That _is_ giving her everything. Believe me, for Amanda, that is everything.”

Pete tried to surreptitiously wipe his eyes, and Myka had the decency to look away while he did. He squeezed her hand, “Thanks Mykes.”

“Anytime.”

“I just want to do this right, Myka. I want it to be the right time, the right place, the right words, the right moment.”

“And it will be. You’ll know when it’s time Pete. Just do me one favor?” Pete gave her a questioning look. She smiled, “Just don’t do it tonight. Don’t be the guy who proposes right after a fight.”

“Oh c’mon Mykes, give me some credit. I’m not that big of an idiot.”

Myka gave him a quick wink, “Just had to check.”

Pete rolled his eyes and pulled the contract out from under Myka’s hands, “Ok, enough about me. What’s with the fancy paperwork?”

“Jack and Rebecca sent my contract over so I could read through it before our meeting tomorrow.”

Pete eyed her carefully, “You ready for this, Mykes?”

Myka smiled brightly, “I am so unbelievably ready, Pete. I mean I still have a few things to talk through with them, last minute details, but I’m ready.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Myka smirked, “That’s usually my line.”

“I know! I _never_ get to be the one to use it! This is an epic moment.”

“You’re a nerd.”

“Yes! But I am your nerd, therefore, no more commentary from you woman. Read your contract and appreciate the love. I’ve got work to do myself.” Pete pulled headphones out of his pocket and plugged them into his phone, “Claud and _your lady_ sent me a new song to work on, so I’ve got notes to write.”

“Do your thing Lattimer.”

**

Helena looked over to Myka’s side of the bed where she was reclining against the headrest, book propped against her knees, her glasses sliding down her nose in an endearing, slightly adorable manner. Helena bit down on the corner of her lip, worried. Myka had been unbelievably quiet most of the evening, and it was starting to unnerve her. She rolled onto her side, propping herself up on an elbow, and leaning up to push Myka’s glasses back up her nose. At Myka’s soft smile, she pressed a kiss to her bicep, whispering, “Are you alright love?”

Myka rolled her head against the headrest to look at her sideways, smiling, “Just a little tired, _and_ maybe, possibly a little nervous about tomorrow.”

“About anything in particular?”

Myka closed her book with a soft snap, setting it on the nightstand and rolling over to face Helena. She tucked one arm under her pillow, and the other she entwined with Helena’s, “I don’t know, it’s just once I sign the contract, this is it, and don’t get me wrong, I want this, but my life…it’s going to change, and that’s nerve-wracking.”

“It’s a big adjustment. It changes your routine, your schedule, but you’ll make it work.”

“I know…I just…I hope I’m making the right decision with the store.”

Helena pulled their entwined hands up and kissed the back of Myka’s hand, “Love…you were always going to need to make changes with the store, you’ve said that before. If, _and when_ ,” Helena added to Myka’s incredulous, arched eyebrow, “we sign a record deal, Claudia’s schedule is going to change. This has always been coming down the line, it’s just happening a little bit sooner than planned, that doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary.”

Myka nodded, teeth chasing against her bottom lip, thinking about how her afternoon had played out after she’d left Pete at the coffee shop. She closed her eyes and sighed, “I hired someone today… _finally_.”

Helena’s eyes widened, Myka had definitely kept _that_ piece of information quiet all evening, “You did? I mean, I knew you had more interviews this afternoon, but I didn’t expect…”

Myka chuckled, “Neither did I, but it just happened. It felt right.”

“Well, who did you hire? Don’t leave me sitting here anxiously waiting.”

Myka smiled secretively, “It’s actually someone you know.”

“Someone _I_ know? I know basically no one in this town, how is that possible?”

“It’s possible, because I hired Leena.”

Helena sat bolt upright, accidentally letting the covers slide off of them, “Leena? I have no idea how you kept that from me all night _or_ how she didn’t text me immediately. Wow…how did that happen?”

Myka chuckled and tugged at Helena’s hand to pull her back down next to her, “She’s been to the store a couple of times, and I obviously knew that she knew you and Claud, I knew she worked at the Regents, but what I _didn’t_ know is that when she isn’t in class or working at the café, she helps her dad manage their B &B outside of town. She has a wealth of management skills, it’s what she’s going to school for, which she graduates in two months, so, really, she’s ready to hit the job market, and I don’t know, I’ve seen the way she interacts with people at the café, and it just felt _right_.”

Helena could feel her jaw hanging ajar, “I don’t think I know what to say…”

Myka gave her a hesitant, questioning look, “Do you think it’s the right call?”

Helena shook her head in an effort to clear it, “Now that you’ve said it, I can’t believe none of us thought of it in the first place, actually. I mean, she’s perfect for the job. She’s made plenty of connections by working at the Regents. She’s sweet, compassionate, good with people. She has this weird sixth sense where it feels like she can read your mind, she always seems to know what you need, and that can only be a positive for the store. And if she has all this experience, which I will tell you, she keeps _really_ quiet, because I didn’t know about her dad either, then I think it’s absolutely the right call.”

Myka let out the breath she was involuntarily holding, “I think so too. I mean, the second she walked in, it was like the store just felt right. It was like she was meant to be there. She’ll need some training, but between Claud and I, that shouldn’t take too long.”

“So when does she start?”

“Thursday…she’s going to work with Claud while I’m at St. Secord for the day, and then she’ll work with us both on Monday. Eventually, she’ll take over most of Claud’s shifts, and mine when I figure out my schedule at the label.”

“And you’re comfortable with how you’re going to divide up your time with that?”

Myka considered, thinking through how she envisioned things going for about the thousandth time that day, “I think so. I mean, it will take some getting used to, but I think we’ll find a good routine. I think I’m going to try and be at the label Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then be at the store the rest of the time.”

“And you’ll be giving yourself time off when?” Helena gave Myka an incredulous look.

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m giving myself the weekend most of the time, don’t worry. Leena and I talked about working out something where I take an occasional Saturday shift, and take Wednesdays off, so she can have a full weekend to herself once in awhile, which she seemed ok with. We still have some details to work out, but I think it’ll work.”

Helena’s features pulled into a playful smile, “What about Hugo? Are you going to leave poor Leena alone with him on Tuesdays?”

Myka laughed loudly, “No. Honestly? I already talked to him, and he said he was amenable to shifting to Mondays…”

Helena rolled her eyes and laughed, “I will never understand you two, but as long as you’ve worked something out, then I shall assume everything will be fine.”

“I hope so. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to go back to the label, but the Warehouse…the Warehouse is my home. It was my dream, it was what gave me hope and helped me get my life back in order. I’ve put everything into it, and I don’t want to lose that.”

Helena smiled softly, and pushed one of Myka’s curls behind her ear, “You won’t love. Jack and Rebecca know how much The Warehouse means to you, they won’t let it slip away, let alone the fact that there’s no way you will let _yourself_ fall away from it. The Warehouse will always be a part of who you are, that’s not going to change, just because you’re…expanding your horizons a little bit.”

Myka leaned in and brushed her lips against Helena’s, “Thank you…”

Helena smiled into the kiss, “If that’s the thanks I get, I should give you pep talks more often.”

“I whole-heartedly welcome the pep talks.”

Helena placed another kiss to Myka’s lips, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Myka leaned back and settled against the pillows, lifting her arm, encouraging Helena to slide closer and nestle into her shoulder. Myka ran light fingertips along Helena’s arm, elbow to shoulder, pressing a kiss against the top of her head, “You…Helena Wells…keep me sane.”

Helena chuckled, turning her head to press a kiss to Myka’s shoulder, “And yet I somehow manage to keep up with multiple day jobs, I really don’t know how I do it all.”

“Pure talent, Swagger. Seriously though, I don’t…I don’t know if I would have been able to do any of this if you weren’t in my life. I don’t think I would have had the courage, the strength to do it.”

“I would say that I highly doubt that, and that you have more strength and courage than you give yourself credit for, and that I certainly refuse to take _full credit_ for it, but I will say, that if me being here has helped at all, then I’m exceedingly happy to have been here.”

“You have no idea how much you’ve helped…it’s like for the longest time my future was always kind of hazy and I mean I knew the general direction I wanted to go in, but you’re the one who helped make it all seem a lot clearer.”

Helena turned her head towards Myka, trying to meet her eye, “And what do you see through the clearing, love?”

Myka leaned down, leaving a lingering kiss to Helena’s mouth, then held her tighter as Helena settled back against her shoulder, “Well…I see you guys becoming insanely famous, I mean let’s face it, I probably won’t even _need_ to work anymore with how famous you’ll be.” Myka smiled as she felt Helena’s silent laughter shaking through her body, “ _But_ I suppose, I will keep working, just, you know, to keep up appearances, so I see myself writing and finally getting all these _words_ out of my head, and hopefully the store keeps going, and Leena somehow makes it even better than it is.”

“That’s quite the vision you have up there Sleepy.”

“Oh yes, it’s all very crystal clear. Seriously though, all I can really see right now is you and me, building a future, _our_ future, together.”

Helena smiled to herself, squeezing her arm tighter around Myka’s waist, “If that’s the case, then I think your vision is completely and totally perfect darling.”

Myka smiled as she turned to flip off the lamp on the nightstand, then nestled further into the pillows, holding Helena to her, “I do too.”

**

“Hey Myka.”

“Hey Lexie,” Myka smiled at the girl as she looked up from her computer. It had taken a good, solid four more meetings with Jack and Rebecca before Lexie had stopped with all the “Ms. Bering” business, but now, she had relaxed into a normal state of comfort with Myka’s presence.

Lexie returned the smile then turned back to her computer, “You can head on in. They’re ready for you.”

“Thanks.” Myka knocked lightly on the door, opening it at the same time, “Jack stop kissing your wife, people are entering your office.” Myka laughed right out loud as she closed to the door and watched Jack lean in and kiss Rebecca more, “Or ya know continue to make out with your wife in your place of business, totally professional with other people around.”

Jack finally pulled away and winked at Myka, “You are hardly ‘other people,’ Myka, and you should be used to it by now.”

Rebecca slapped at Jack’s thigh, “Oh go sit at your own desk silly man or we will never get any work done.”

Myka gave a faux-shocked gasp, “I didn’t think Jack was _capable_ of sitting at his own desk. I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m pretty sure the world might end, actually if he does.”

Jack rolled his eyes, “I think I had forgotten this aspect of your relationship.”

Rebecca looked at him with a smirk, “What? Our propensity for witty conversation?”

“Our charming sense of humor?” Myka added.

Jack groaned, “Your ability to gang up on me without fair warning.”

Rebecca gave Jack a playful frown, patting his cheek, “Oh poor thing.”

Jack threw up his hands in surrender, “Ok, ok, I concede. However, I’m staying put on the desk.”

Myka chuckled, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

Rebecca sighed and tapped her hands on the desk, “So, in an effort to be fair to my husband, how about a little business in between the teasing?”

Myka nodded, still smiling, “Absolutely.” She bent down into her bag and pulled out the contract, setting it on the desk, “I’m pretty much ready to sign, unless you guys have any questions.”

Jack spoke first, “Have you figured things out with the store?”

Myka nodded again, “Yes. I hired someone yesterday actually, which I realize is a _little_ last minute, but I was being picky, and well, I’m happy I was because I think the person I hired is going to be perfect.”

Rebecca practically beamed, “Wonderful. So have you considered a schedule yet, or is this too early for that conversation.”

Myka waved a dismissive hand, “No, absolutely not too early. The schedule I’ve worked out tentatively with Leena, and Claudia for now, is that I’ll be here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, those will be writing days for me. I talked with Leena a bit about the consulting portion and she said she’s willing to be flexible if you guys need me to travel at all.”

Rebecca cut in, “We’ve been thinking about that actually, and we think we’d like to keep you local. The furthest you’d have to travel is Denver. We already have some scouts who work the coasts and the other cities, but we don’t have anyone solely dedicated to being here, we want that to be you. You know the city, you know the people, you have the contacts, it’s a good fit.”

Myka eyed them carefully, “Why does it sound like there’s more to that than what you’re saying.”

Jack chuckled, absently running a hand across his neck, “Ok, also forgot that you know us far too well. Myka, look, we’ve heard the band’s demo, and before long, they’re going to be snatched up by a label, and they’re going to have _a lot_ on their plate, a lot of publicity and recording and travel. You have had to put up with that enough already, and we don’t want your job here to make things harder.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You guys…that is too much. You don’t have to do that, you _shouldn’t_ do that.”

“Myka,” Rebecca took off her glasses and gave her a near mothering look, “we’ve all always known that this relationship between the three of us was always going to be a strange blur of the personal and the professional. Honestly, it’s always going to err more on the personal side, and we care about you too much to put excessive demands on you that adversely affect the life you’re building.”

Myka smiled, despite sighing heavily at the two of them, “See? This is why you guys aren’t disgustingly rich, and why your artists get away with so much, you guys and your caring.”

Jack gave an enthusiastic smile, “It’s also why we are ridiculously successful. Personally? I’ll take that trade off.”

“I would agree with that,” Rebecca smirked.

Myka shook her head, “You two are too much, and I love you for it.”

“Is that your way of saying thank you for our deep consideration of your love life?” Jack winked.

“ _Yes_ , it is.” Myka’s gaze fell to her fidgeting hands, “Seriously though, thank you both, _for_ that consideration. You’re right, about all of it. Once the band signs somewhere, Helena’s probably going to be travelling a lot, and it will make it easier if I’m not adding my own insane schedule to it.”

Rebecca gave Myka a soft, knowing smile, “You’re very welcome. The way we figure, we’ll give you a monthly schedule of shows we’d like you to go to, give you time to plan ahead. Plus, we assumed you’d be keeping up your Wednesdays at the Regents?”

Myka nodded, “Absolutely. I think Vanessa would bang down your door in protest if I didn’t.”

Jack gave her a sarcastic smile, “And none of us want to incur the wrath of Vanessa Calder, that’s for sure.”

“It’s best to avoid it when possible,” Myka laughed.

Rebecca clapped her hands together, “I think those were all of our questions. What about you Myka? Any questions? Concerns?”

Myka took a deep breath, she wasn’t sure how to word this, or if it was even an issue, “Just one, and I’m not sure it’s that big of a deal but I want everything out in the open. Last year, in an extreme moment of weakness, I might add, I had let Claudia take a look through some of my lyrics, and she went a bit nuts over a couple of them. Long story short, part of her Christmas gift last year was those songs. I gave them to her, telling her that she could use them for the band if she wanted. Well, she mentioned to me the other day that they were thinking about starting to work on one of them. If they get signed, I don’t know, it might end up on their record, and if that’s the case, that’s one of my songs, potentially with another label’s artist. I wasn’t sure how that might play out for you guys.”

Rebecca swallowed down her laughter when she saw the serious look on Myka’s face. She appreciated how much Myka had thought about this, but she also knew it didn’t need to be that complicated. She smiled a bit too deeply, “Myka, at the end of the day, your songs _are_ your songs. This contract doesn’t mean we own you or anything like that, and frankly, I think we’d be a bit ridiculous if we told you that you were forbidden from writing songs with or for your girlfriend’s band, it would just be strange. Plus, what you described happened before this contract was even remotely on the table, so don’t worry about it. Eventually, now, if this happens more, or if you end writing at any point with Claudia or with Helena, then we can talk about how that might work, but I wouldn’t worry about it. We’re not here to curb your creativity and sometimes you can’t help what happens. So write away, and we will make it work.”

Myka let out a deep breath, “You guys make things way too easy…”

“One would say you worry too much,” Jack smirked.

Myka returned the smirk ten fold, “One would say, you _could_ make it really easy and just sign the band and then my songs could be their songs _and_ your songs without any discussion.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes, “What happened to not interfering?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “Figured I might as well try my luck.”

“We do have a meeting with them next week. We would have been crazy to _not_ set up a meeting with them, what between the quality of their demo and the sheer tenacity of Kelly Hernandez, I’m not sure we had much of a choice.” Jack looked down at his hands, fidgeting, “However, we _are_ just getting our feet wet with the whole rock band thing, so I make no guarantees.”

“Definitely not fishing for guarantees. I’m just glad they’re getting a chance with you guys, but hey, if it doesn’t work out, that’s the way it goes. It has to be right for everyone involved, that’s what I keep telling them. If they’re not your style, then it wouldn’t really be to their benefit to sign with you guys either.”

Rebecca smirked, “Smart woman. They’re lucky to have you on their side.”

“I just want them to find a place that is as good for them as you guys were for Sam and I, that’s all. They need a _home_ , not just a label.”

Jack nodded, “They’ll find it. Here or elsewhere.”

Myka gave them both a conspiratorial look, “Speaking of elsewhere, what the hell is going on with Artifact? Have you guys heard what’s going on over there?”

Rebecca let out a low whistle, “Oh yes. It’s been hard _not_ to hear any of that. It’s a bold move, risky, but bold.”

“It will make them even more stark competition. How are you guys holding up with that?” Myka eyed them with concern.

Jack ran a hand through his hair, shrugging, “We’re never going to be able to keep up with them, we’ve known that from the beginning. They’ve always had more resources, more bells and whistles to throw at artists, this is no different. All we can do is do what we do best, keep the artists we have happy, and see what happens.”

“Ah the perpetual optimism of my husband.”

Rebecca gave Jack such a loving smile Myka had to clear her throat, “Uh, should I clear out, give you two a minute?”

Rebecca gave her a small glare, then sighed, “Jack’s right, I mean there’s nothing we can do about it other than keep doing our usual business as usual. We’re trying not to focus on it too much, otherwise it’ll distract from what we need to do.”

Myka smiled softly, “You two and your clear, focused rationality. It’s refreshing.”

Jack gave her a mocking look, “You’re teasing us…”

Myka smirked, “Maybe a little, but I also think it’s a good way to deal with it, otherwise you’ll just be chasing them around and not taking care of your end of things.”

Rebecca nodded, definitively, “Precisely.”

Myka shrugged and pulled the contract towards her, “Well then…shall we?”

Jack and Rebecca smiled in tandem as Rebecca slid a pen over to Myka, “Absolutely.”

Myka signed the contract with a small flourish, that in no way compared to the exuberance Jack put into his signature. Rebecca signed her own slowly and seriously, setting down the pen with the biggest smile Myka had ever seen, “Well, it’s official. You, Myka Bering, are back at St. Secord.”

Myka smiled warmly, “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard sweeter words…at least not from you guys.”

**

Helena stepped out from the building, feeling the sun, the warmth hit her face instantly. She took a deep breath, a smile breaking out over her face instantly. Before she could truly appreciate the moment, an arm was slung around her shoulder, and Claudia was pulling her in tightly, “That was _amazing_.”

Helena smiled, letting out a contented sigh, “I think that was the kind of meeting we’ve been waiting for.”

They both turned to watch as Pete and Steve pushed through the doors, while Kelly hung back exchanging a few more words and shaking hands with Jack and Rebecca. When she came out, she was beaming. She waited until the door closed behind her with a click, and then she let out a small, near squeal of delight, “Now _that_ was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon. I hope you guys appreciate what happened just in there.”

Pete gave her a cocky grin, “What happened is they think we’re amazing.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “Always with the subtlety right Pete?”

“Always Steve-O.”

Kelly laughed and clapped Pete on the shoulder, “I will take your cocky confidence right now Pete, because I am over the moon.”

Claudia looked at Kelly expectantly, “They’d sign us wouldn’t they?”

Kelly tried to hold her smile in check, tried to remain at least slightly objective, but she couldn’t, “They would Claud. I wasn’t expecting it, honestly, because as we’ve discussed you guys aren’t really their thing, but you guys impressed them. None of that in there was me, that was all you guys.”

Helena closed her eyes, feeling a huge sigh of relief release from her lungs, a tension she hadn’t even realized she’d been carrying suddenly lifting off of her shoulders, “So what now?”

“For now, you guys let today sink in, appreciate it, talk about it, consider if you have any questions, concerns, and we’ll talk in a couple of days. We still have your meeting with Artifact next week, but what really helps, is now you guys have some leverage. You can definitively say what St. Secord is willing to offer and see how that might work in your favor. Try to hold on to your objectivity, at least a little bit, for now. However, you guys need to realize that if St. Secord is offering up a contract, then I have little doubt that Artifact will too, so before long you will all have a big decision on your hands.” Kelly glanced down at her watch, eyebrows rising, “Shit, I had no idea how long we were in there. Ok, you guys, I have to get going, but seriously, go enjoy this. We’ll talk soon.” She pulled each of them into a quick hug, and then darted off to her car with a small wave over her shoulder.

When Kelly had pulled out of the parking lot, the four of them stood still, staring, stunned at one another. Finally, Steve mumbled out, “Wow…just…wow.”

Claudia pumped her arms in the air, not being as shy as Kelly was in letting out a huge squeal of excitement, “Oh group hug it out you guys!”

Helena threw her head back in laughter, then let herself be pulled into the throng of arms wrapping quickly around her. She smiled happily, the moment they’d been waiting for seemed just around the corner.

**

“Fuck…this place is _huge_ ,” Pete’s hushed voice still echoed around the large glass lobby of Artifact Records.

Kelly tugged aggressively on the sleeve of his shirt, “Ok, get that out of your system right now, the awe _and_ the language.” She looked around at the four of them, taking in their fidgeting hands, their tense shoulders, the way their eyes kept darting towards each other but never quite making contact. She took a deep breath and squared her own shoulders, standing up straight; she knew how to handle this, this was her job, and dammit she was good at her job, she _lived_ for these moments. She let go of Pete’s sleeve, releasing her fingers from their grip and giving his arm a soothing tap, “Alright, ,em >as you can see this is a whole different level. Give yourselves a few seconds, take it in, and then that’s it. From here on out, you act like you belong here, like this is where you should be. This is going to be unlike any meeting we’ve had, and we’ve been through that but it bears repeating. Irene Frederic is not Rebecca St. Clair and Artie Nielsen sure as hell isn’t Jack Secord, _but_ that doesn’t mean that the four of you change who you are for one second. You guys do what you’ve been doing for the last three weeks and when it comes to details and negotiating you leave that to me. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, to voice concerns. You guys have something they want, remember that. They have to impress you as much as you have to impress them. And if all else fails remember one thing, I believe in you four more than I ever thought it was possible to believe in an artist. You’ve got this.” She looked at each of them, making sure they looked her in the eye. She gave them each a crisp nod, and watched with a shiver of happiness and excitement as she saw each of them steel themselves into ready form. They could do this, she knew they could, and now, _now_ they looked like they knew it too. She gave them a quick smile then walked up to the receptionist’s desk, “Good morning, I’m Kelly Hernandez, representative for Seeking Endless Wonder, we have an appointment at 10:30 with Mrs. Frederic and Mr. Nielsen.”

The receptionist gave her a warm, welcoming smile, eyes drifting to the computer, “Of course, let me see if they’re ready for you.” Kelly waited as the girl dialed, almost immediately speaking into the phone, “Mrs. Frederic, your 10:30 is here.” The girl paused, then hung up the phone, turning back to Kelly, “You can head right on up. Just up the stairs, someone will meet you, and take you to the office.”

“Thank you.” Kelly turned back to them with an expectant smile, “Alright kids, it’s time, let’s do this.”

They all followed in a clump behind Kelly up the stairs. Pete tugged on Helena’s sleeve, giving her a quick wink, “You ready for this lady killer?”

Helena rolled her eyes, but couldn’t fight off a smile, “I am, but are _you_ ready Peter?”

“Oh H.G., you forget, I am _always_ ready.”

They reached the top of the stairs where a rather stern looking man met them and ushered for them to follow him down the hall. Helena gave Pete a sly grin, “Alright, Lattimer, time to show them what you’re made of.”

“What _we’re_ made of _dahling_.” Pete reached down and squeezed Helena’s hand, “Let’s go kick some ass.”

Helena chuckled, “Absolutely.”

**

They were within sight of the office door when Helena felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She glanced around quickly, making sure no one would notice her minor distraction. She slid open the screen.

_“Go get ‘em Swagger. I love you.”_

Helena felt something ease in her chest, leaving only warmth and determination behind. She typed a quick text back before putting her phone on silent.

_“Will do my best. I love you too.”_

**

When Helena walked into the office, the first thought she had was that this meeting was already nothing of what she expected. She had been expecting a boardroom and a large table and a bit of formal pomp and circumstance; she had been expecting cold and closed off and straight forward business. What they got instead was a fairly small, almost cozy office, with chairs not set up in front of an imposing desk, but in a semi-circle around a small coffee cart facing a wall of windows with a beautiful view of the city. They looked around the office, but it seemed empty. Right as Claudia gave them all a questioning look, mouth opening to speak, the door snapped shut behind them, and a woman emerged from behind it as if from nowhere; they all jumped, but all she did was arch an imperious eyebrow and laugh softly, ushering a hand towards the chairs without a word. They all exchanged curious looks but followed the gesture, each graciously taking their cups of coffee as they were offered. The silence was unnerving, but the impression, the _aura_ this woman was exuding didn’t exactly welcome questions, yet it didn’t feel uncomfortable, it more felt like a relaxed preamble to something inevitable. Finally, when each of them had a cup of coffee, and the woman before them settled into a chair next to Kelly, they seemed ready to begin, until the door burst open again and a rather frazzled looking man came in, juggling papers, and trying to push his glasses up his nose at the same time. He glanced around the room at all of their curious glances, and simply gave a “humph” of what seemed like annoyance before settling into the only remaining empty chair left. 

The woman gave him a look that though unreadable was one that Helena felt certain she never wanted to be on the receiving end of, and when she finally spoke, Helena was absolutely convinced she never wanted to cross this woman, “Glad you could finally join us Arthur.”

Helena chanced a look at Claudia whose eyes were wide, her lips uncertain whether they wanted to curve into a frown or a smirk. Helena tried to stifle her own laughter, and simply gave her a small shrug of the shoulders and turned her attention back to whatever scene seemed to be playing out in front of them. It would seem that the man was none other than Vanessa’s husband, Artie, and well, Helena could only assume the woman was the infamous Irene Frederic.

Artie gave another huff of annoyance, “Yes, well, now that my office is on the other end of the building, I’m having to adjust how long it takes to get to meetings.”

Helena watched as Pete had to bit his lip to stop from laughing. She rolled her eyes, it wouldn’t do them any good to make that rude of an impression right now, but to her surprise Mrs. Frederic let out a small chuckle, “Well, I’m sure you’ll get used to it eventually, but for now, what do you say we focus on the other people in the room?”

Artie just rolled his eyes and took out a pen, adjusting the notebook on his lap. Mrs. Frederic turned towards them, thin smile on her face, “Sorry about our less than _calm_ , and professional welcome. Let’s get down to it shall we? In case none of you are aware, I am Irene Frederic, I am the new CEO of Artifact Records, and this is Arthur Nielsen, our CFO, and _vice_ -president of client relations. Now, I am not one to beat around the bush with formalities and casual conversation, so let me say this, I know who all of you are, and I am exceedingly happy to have you sitting in my office because,” she picked up a remote from the coffee cart, placing a delicate fingernail against a button, and sitting back in her chair as though she hadn’t left her sentence dangling.

They all looked at each other before the entire office was filled with the now far too familiar echo of Pete’s precious eight seconds, and then Helena had to catch her breath because it was her own voice ringing around the walls.

_“I don’t mind…lettin’ ya down easy, but just give it time…if it don’t hurt now then just wait…just wait awhile…you’re not the big fish in the pond no more…you are what they’re feedin’ on…”_

Helena felt Pete’s knee jingle next to her waiting to tap on the next down beat but it never came, the room falling once again into silence. They looked at each other in wonder, but Mrs. Frederic simply continued with her previous sentence, “I think that is a number one record, and I would very much like to help all you make that thought a reality.”

Helena couldn’t find any words, her throat suddenly dry, her brain fogged over in a confusion and amazement, but it didn’t surprise her whatsoever that Claudia was in no way shaken by such a statement. Helena watched as she sat up straighter, giving Mrs. Frederic an incredulous look, “Wait a sec…you’re making an offer? Just like that?”

Artie gave another noncommittal, frustrated grunt, which Mrs. Frederic ignored, simply tapping her fingers together, and giving Claudia an inscrutable grin, which could have either been one of offense or pride. She took a small sip of her coffee, “Yes, Ms. Donovan, just like that. I harbor no delusions that the four of you don’t know who I am and what I have done in my career. I have spent my entire career listening to band after band, and at this point, I pride myself in knowing within the first thirty seconds whether or not I can help a group become great or whether it would be more polite to tell them to seek other employment. Luckily for the four of you, I’m here to tell you the former rather than the latter.”

Claudia’s eyes darted around, trying to make sense of what they had just heard, “But…but you don’t even know us…”

Pete gave an uncomfortable chuckle, “Geez, Claud don’t try to chase her away or anything.”

“No need to concern yourself with that Mr. Lattimer, I have no intentions of revoking my offer from the table. And to your point, Ms. Donovan, I do not offer client meetings out like candy. I do my research, I bide my time, you would be surprised how much I in fact _do_ know about the four of you.”

“Boy _that’s_ not creepy,” Pete muttered.

Helena kicked his foot lightly, suddenly wishing they were around a table so that she could be a bit more forceful without being completely obvious. She cleared her throat, “So, your _research_ has led you to believe that we could be a good fit here at Artifact?”

Mrs. Frederic looked at Helena for a long moment, seeming as though she was trying to read her from thoughts. Helene felt the pull to drop her gaze, but didn’t, determined to meet this woman with as much confidence as she could muster. Finally, Mrs. Frederic cracked what could have been called a genuine smile, “What I believe is that the four of you have something. I can’t quite put my finger on what that something is, but I will admit, I have listened to your demo more than a few times, and every time I hear it, I can’t help but feel you chose an apt band name…you provide your listeners with a sense of…endless wonder.”

Kelly made a small noise from the back of her throat and leaned forward, “I would be remiss in doing my job if I didn’t ask what exactly you’re putting on the table for my clients?”

Mrs. Frederic nodded distinctly, “In short, I’m offering them an opportunity to make the album they seem capable of making. I don’t operate on long-term contracts. I don’t think they help anyone. So, if they sign with us, they will have all the resources necessary to work on their first album. They can work with our writers, they can work on their own, it’s up to them. I have found in my experience that pressure doesn’t work, not when it comes to the creative process, so they’ll have adequate time and space to put together an album that they’re proud of, and that we can stand behind. Ideally, I would love to see it released within the year, however, if more time is needed that’s negotiable. As I understand it, Ms. Donovan, Ms. Wells, you are the writers amongst us?”

Helena and Claudia shared a small smile and Helena spoke up, “That’s correct. Claudia and I write the lyrics, and then everyone helps write their respective music. That process has seemed to work for us so far.”

“And how many songs would you say, right now, you have ready?”

They both started to do the mental math, calculating how far each song they’d worked on was. Claudia mouthed a number to Helena, who gave a small nod of her head, she had come up with the same number. Claudia turned to Mrs. Frederic, “Right now? Six. Six that would be one hundred percent ready to record if we started today.”

Helena bit back a smile at the look of surprise that crossed Mrs. Frederic’s face. Her voice didn’t betray the slightest bit of shock, “That’s a wonderful start.”

Kelly gave them all an appraising look, then made a subtle “hold on” gesture with her hand, “I do think I should tell you that right now, they also have an offer on the table from St. Secord.” Another, more forceful, grunt from Artie. Kelly ignored him, “Tell me why I should encourage them to sign here, rather than there, especially considering that the past couple of years have seen St. Secord’s artists outperforming yours.”

Helena sucked in a tight breath, concerned that was a low blow. Mrs. Frederic shot a quick glare at Artie, then turned back to Kelly smiling, “Believe it or not, I am aware of the offer from St. Secord, and here’s what I’ll say. Jack and Rebecca have put together an amazing label. Their artists have longevity, creativity, and the two of them know how to market what they have. I believe that all of you,” and here she arched a telling eyebrow towards Helena, “are more than aware of what they can do with the right kind of talent.” Helena’s stomach did an awkward flip at the near certainty that this woman was ushering Myka into the conversation. She tamped her thoughts down and refocused on the rest of what Mrs. Frederic was saying, “ _However_ , they do not have much experience with artists such as yourselves. It is true they are testing the waters, but you four need a label that is one hundred percent sure how to market _you_. I have made a career out of making rock bands successful, I can do that for you as well.”

Kelly pushed the issue further, “What about their creative freedom? I have to be honest here Irene, I have plenty of clients with this label, but I haven’t signed anyone here in at least a year, out of concern that their needs, their concerns, their voices wouldn’t be heard. How do I know, how do _they_ know they’ll be taken care of here?”

Mrs. Frederic gave a scathing look at Artie, but then turned back to Kelly, “I have zero interest in maintaining the status quo that has been allowed to ferment here. This is a new era for Artifact and let me assure you, any concerns they have at any point will be heard, considered, and dealt with properly. I do not sign anyone whose voice I don’t want to hear. I have no interest in making artists restrict themselves to certain boundaries all because it’s what _I_ want. If I sign someone, it’s because I think _their voice_ has value. They will not be neglected. They will not be put on some conveyer belt and molded to fit a specific image. They also will not be on the road so much that their families will forget what they look like. Let me say, unequivocally, that all the reasons you have had for not signing artists here lately, are no longer an issue.”

Artie gave another grunt and fidgeted uncomfortably. Before Helena could reach out to stop her, Claudia spoke up, “That’s fantastic Mrs. F,” Helena rolled her eyes at Claudia’s immediate need for informality, “however, I want to know why we’re still talking when someone in this room _clearly_ thinks this is a ridiculous conversation. Mr. Nielsen, please tell me, what exactly we’ve done to upset you?”

Helena pinched the bridge of her nose with a groan, well there goes _this_ opportunity. She was certain they were going to be ushered out any moment, Myka’s recommendation about _not_ yelling at executives during a meeting ringing through her brain. 

Mrs. Frederic tried to speak up, but Artie finally snapped to attention, words of frustration coming out, “Because Ms. Donovan, you’ve been together for five months. How am I supposed to feel confident in a group that has only been playing together for that long? You barely have had time to get to know each other. Let alone the fact that you are exceedingly young, and can easily have no idea what kind of responsibility you’re getting yourselves into. I have no interest in artists who are young and naïve and will bail out when this life gets too hard, or when they run out of impetuous, oh _life is so hard_ , song lyrics.”

“Arthur I asked you here as a courtesy, that courtesy is wearing thin,” Mrs. Frederic’s tone was a scathing warning, spit out between clenched teeth.

Claudia chuckled with little warmth, “No it’s fine Mrs. F. I want everything on the table, because this is our lives we’re talking about here, and I want there to be zero questions as to our capabilities of handling our own business. I get it, I’m young. I’m 22 and haven’t graduated college yet, but here’s the thing. I’ve been on my own since I was 16. My parents had died and both of my siblings were in school, so I had to take care of myself. That song you so casually dismissed? That was born out of H.G. and I both knowing what it’s like for the world to throw you out on your own and not give a damn what happens to you. So, you don’t really have to worry about us running out of song lyric fodder, I can’t speak for H.G., but I for one have had enough life experience to fill about ten albums without even touching impetuous. As to being naïve and inexperienced, at 19, I helped Myka Bering get this city’s most successful record store business off the ground and running. I have been in this business long enough to realize what I’m doing. And as for how long we’ve known each other? Who cares? How long do you have to know your family before you realize they’re your family? For me, it was about an hour. If you don’t believe in what we’ve got, that’s fine, there are clearly other labels that do, so it’s really your loss if we don’t sign here.”

Helena was pretty sure that everyone else’s face mirrored her own, jaw ajar, breath coming a little short, shoulders tensed waiting for the inevitable fall out. There was a weighted moment of silence before a small wave of laughter broke through the room, and amazingly it was coming from Artie, “Well, I think this has been a first for me.” He eyed Claudia carefully, “You’ve got spunk, I’ll give you that. That doesn’t mean I’m sold yet, but…still…”

Mrs. Frederic piped back in, “Lucky for all of you, it doesn’t quite matter if Artie is sold at the moment, because I am. My offer stands. Kelly, I’ll send over our proposal to your office later today. Take some time to go over it and consider and we’ll wait for your call.” She stood, clearly the meeting was over. They all followed suit, exchanging hand shakes and small words of thanks. Artie had immediately fallen back into his grumpy, grumbling stupor, but Helena had seen enough to be unconcerned about whether or not he cared for them, she realized listening to Mrs. Frederic that she was the only one they needed to impress, and she felt certain they had succeeded on that front.

When they left the building, Helena immediately tugged on Claudia’s sleeve, pulling her into a tight hug, “You are insane. You are the craziest person I know, and I absolutely adore you for it.”

Claudia returned the hug, then shrugged her shoulders, “I figured why the hell should he get to be all grumpy-puss and not explain why. I want to know what we’re getting ourselves into, even if that includes dealing with _him_.”

Kelly chuckled, “I think you impressed him Claud. Artie Nielsen isn’t used to be people going toe to toe with him. Well done.”

Pete clapped her on the shoulder, “I _cannot_ wait to see Myka’s face when we tell her you did that. She is going to flip!”

Kelly smirked, “I actually think dropping Myka’s name like that was brilliant, even if it was unintentional. Can’t hurt to remind him what he missed out on because he was an asshole in the past. So…what do you guys think?”

They all shuffled their feet and eyed each other carefully. Finally, Helena said what she thought they all were thinking, “I think we need some time to think, to consider. It’s a lot to process.”

They all nodded their agreement, and Kelly beamed, “Ah, my pragmatic, logical children. I’ll email you guys with details once I get the contract this afternoon. Take a few days, weigh the options, make the pro and con lists, all that stuff. How about dinner on Thursday to discuss what you’ve come up with?”

“Sounds good to me,” Helena smiled. 

Kelly gave them all a shining smile, “I knew it, the second I heard you guys, I _knew_ this day would come. I’ll talk to you guys soon.”

As she left, Pete turned to all of them, bouncing on his toes, a nervous, though excited, look on his face, “Ok, I’m just going to say it, though I didn’t want to say it in front of Kelly…I want to talk to Mykes. I mean I want to hear what she thinks about all of this, before we make any kind of decision.”

Claudia and Steve nodded their agreement and Helena let out a long sigh of relief, “Thank God. I was worried I was the only one thinking that. I’m meeting her for lunch, how does dinner tonight sound? I’ll see if she’s up for it, and I’ll let you guys know.”

Claudia shrugged, “Sounds good to me. There’s no way in hell we’re rehearsing tonight so I think we’re all free.”

Helena chuckled, “True. Ok, I’ll text you all details.”

**

“Oh my God, no, no you are absolutely lying to me right now, because there is no way that you are telling me that you yelled at Artie Nielsen this morning and are still somehow, inexplicably sitting in my apartment.” Myka’s jaw dropped so far she could barely feel it, and she was distinctly uncertain whether she wanted to groan in frustration or simply burst out laughing.

Claudia gave her an impetuous, _proud_ kind of look, “Whether you believe it or not there Cap’n that’s _exactly_ what I’m telling you.”

Myka chose the laughter because this was just too much. She leaned roughly against Helena’s shoulder where they were sitting on the floor, backs reclined against Myka’s now back in place couch, “I _told_ you to not let them yell at record executives.”

Helena held up her hands, surrendering, “Darling, I assure you a bloody freight train could not have stopped her from the yelling…”

Claudia scoffed, “He was being ridiculous _and_ rude and well, I felt like we deserved an explanation.”

Myka planted her forehead in her hands, groaning, “And yet somehow you still left with a contract offer. What the hell kind of magical mojo did you four work in there?”

“It’s our mad skills Mykes…never underestimate the power of our skills,” Pete said around a too full mouth of Chinese take out.

“Ugh God, Pete…you’re disgusting _and_ you’re lucky your _skills_ didn’t get you black-balled from every label in town,” Myka sighed and set her own plate aside, leaning into Helena who quickly wrapped a loose arm around her shoulders.

Pete at least had the grace to look a little more disquieted by the morning’s events _and_ the courtesy to swallow before speaking again, “You’re right…but it was kind of funny as hell. Seriously though, you heard Kelly’s call, you heard what they’re offering…what do you think Mykes?”

Myka softened under the intensity, the seriousness of Pete’s gaze, the tone of his voice that he reserved for when they were in these kinds of conversations, the kinds where she could tell all he wanted was to know exactly what she was thinking. She sighed, moving her hand up to tangle with Helena’s fingers where they rested against her shoulder, “I really, really wish that I could just tell you that I think you should go with Jack and Rebecca, because, well, all the obvious reasons.”

“But…” Steve interjected, looking less than his usual zen self.

“But…I can’t deny the fact that the offer Artifact has on the table for you guys is pretty spectacular. I mean they’re offering you full creative license, they aren’t locking you into a long-term deal, they want you to work on your own stuff, and I mean, sure you would get that from St. Secord too, but it’s just really hard to look away from the weight Irene Frederic carries. If you guys have the opportunity to work for a label that she’s running I don’t know how to tell you to turn it down. Plus, even I can’t ignore the fact that St. Secord has very little experience with guys like you. Artifact is a known quantity here. They know how to promote rock bands, they’ll market you well, they’ll get you the right kind of gigs, they’ll set you up with the right tours. Let alone the fact that I think Fargo is one of their preferred producers around town and that’s a huge help.”

“So you think we should go with Artifact?” Steve was sitting up now, looking like he was either going to start meditating or taking copious notes of everything Myka was saying.

“I think you need to go where you guys feel comfortable. Where you think you can make a place for yourselves. At the end of the day, it’s about how you guys felt, not about what I think.”

Claudia picked idly at the arm of one of Myka’s chairs, “Personally, I felt like Mrs. Frederic _got_ us a little bit more. I mean, the way she talked about our music, it just felt like yeah this chick gets it.”

Myka groaned, “Please tell me you didn’t call her a chick to her face…”

“Oh man, now I wish I had because your face is priceless.” Pete and Steve’s laughter joined Claudia’s.

“Claud…”

Helena laughed softly against Myka’s temple, “She’s right love. It’s fairly indescribable.” Helena pressed a small kiss to Myka’s head.

“I do not know why I am friends with any of you…” Myka sighed with mock exasperation.

Pete reached across the room and pinched at Myka’s toes, “Well, let’s see…you’ve known me too long to get rid of me, Claudia is your business partner, Steve’s too nice not to love, and well, if you would like me to go through all the reasons you keep H.G. around…”

“Oh my God stop!” Myka covered her face in her hands, “You come over to ask for my help and then you give me all kinds of hell. That doesn’t seem particularly fair.”

Myka could hear the other three laughing and Pete mumbling something, but all she could pay attention to was Helena whispering into her ear, “Let them off the hook and I’ll make it up to you later with all those reasons Peter mentioned for why you so _enjoy_ my presence, love.”

Myka had to bite down on the inside of her lip to keep from exhaling far too softly or from rolling her eyes in certain _want_. She turned to Helena, “I’m going to hold you to that.” She pressed a kiss to Helena’s slightly parted lips, then turned back to the group, “Ok…well…if you’re all done with the unabashed mocking, if you all felt comfortable and if it felt right, I think you all already know your decision.”

They all looked around at each other, exchanging small nods, definitive smiles, before each of them echoed in turn, “Artifact.”

**

Myka adjusted her head against Helena’s bare shoulder, a light hand splayed across Helena’s stomach, while Helena’s fingers traced up and down her bicep. Myka turned and pressed a kiss to the closest inch of skin to her lips, “So how does it feel…Miss Rock Star…a record deal…”

Helena hummed softly, fingers moving up to card through Myka’s curls, “Nothing’s official yet.”

Myka shrugged lightly, “Might as well be. You guys made a huge decision tonight. Don’t diminish that.”

“Not diminishing, simply holding out until all the details are finalized is all. I believe Claudia would call it not counting my chickens.”

Myka chuckled, “She’s determined to turn you into an American Swagger, watch out for that.”

“Never. You like my accent too much.”

Myka laughed silently, the movement shaking both of them, “That’s very true.” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to the side of Helena’s mouth, before resettling against her shoulder. Her fingers charted out a map of adoration across Helena’s stomach, her voice coming a little softer, a bit more awed, “You realize that all of this is because of you, right?”

Helena let out an ungraceful scoff, “I wouldn’t quite say that.”

Myka pushed herself back up on an elbow, staring at Helena with intent, “I’m serious, Helena. I mean, yes, I always believed that three of them would get there, but you…you took them somewhere else. You brought them here.”

Helena smiled softly, “I’m just happy I found them…that they found me. I never really imagined something like this could feel so…right.”

“It’s a rare thing to find. I’m just glad it happened for them, and for you, and well…I must say for me too, since I _am_ pretty happy that you finding them, also led to you finding me too.”

Helena reached up, fingers dancing over Myka’s cheek, “I’m fairly certain that the three of them or not, I would have found you…I can’t quite imagine _not_ finding you.”

Myka didn’t have any words to respond, so instead she leaned down and left a lingering kiss to Helena’s lips. Once they parted, she settled back onto Helena’s shoulder, moving their bodies impossibly closer, “You should know…I at least hope you _do_ realize one thing.”

“What’s that love?”

“What you’ve done for Claudia. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to ‘Ain’t it Fun,’ Helena, but every time I do, I’m amazed all over again that you got her to actually open up about what her life has been like, what it was like, in the immediate aftermath of everything with her parents. Until you…she’d always refused to write about it.”

Helena looked down at Myka with a confused look, “Really?”

Myka nodded with a tight smile, “Really. She always said it was too hard, that she didn’t want to put that out there, but you managed to bring it out of her, to make her feel comfortable enough to do it. I think, in some ways, you’ve given Claudia the sense of family she’s always missed. You’ve given her something the three of us have never quite accomplished. I should probably thank you for that, actually. You’ve made her life even better, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for Claud.”

“Well, I can whole-heartedly say she has done the same for me. Without Claudia up there with me, without her helping pull these words out of me…it wouldn’t be the same…it wouldn’t be worth it I don’t think.”

“You guys make each other better. It’s all you could ask for.” 

“That might be, but at the moment, _you_ , Myka Bering, are all I’m asking for, _therefore_ ,” Helena adjusted onto her side, tucking a firm arm around and underneath Myka’s waist, encouraging her to roll back onto the bed. Helena leaned down against her, pressing soft, encouraging, warm lips against Myka’s. 

Myka pulled away just barely, “Therefore?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _Therefore_ , I would like to get back to the reasons you enjoy my presence.”

Myka laughed softly, but didn’t say another coherent word the rest of the night.

**

Helena walked up behind Myka, placing light hands against her shoulders, and pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “I just have to finish up a few things and then I’ll be ready to go love.”

Myka squeezed one of Helena’s hands, “Take your time sweets. I’ll be here.”

Helena leaned over Myka’s shoulder with a quizzical look, “Sweets?”

“Oh just leave it be woman I was trying something,” Myka smirked.

Helena chuckled and pecked a kiss to Myka’s cheek, before moving to the back of the café to finish clearing tables. She knew that Myka had been wanting to get a little extra time with Vanessa, and that Vanessa had been avoiding that attempt like the plague. Myka had told her last night that she was bound and determined to talk to Vanessa tonight. Helena glanced over her shoulder, seeing Vanessa attempting to extract herself from her barstool, but she turned away as she watched Myka place a hand around Vanessa’s forearm stilling her movements. Helena had left the back for last on purpose, she knew they needed space, and she intended to give it to them.

**

“I should really get to some of the paperwork in my office…”

“Vanessa, for the love of God, would you just sit back down? You aren’t exactly being subtle.’

Vanessa sighed and dropped heavily back onto the stool, “I’m sorry Myka. I’ve been avoiding most people lately…now that the word is out…it’s all people want to talk about.”

Myka gave her a sympathetic look, squeezing gently where her hand rested around Vanessa’s arm, “Why didn’t you tell me? About Artie? About Irene? You shouldn’t have dealt with this alone, which is what I _know_ you’ve been doing so don’t even try and tell me otherwise.”

Vanessa chuckled half-heartedly, “At first, I _couldn’t_ say anything. It was such a secret, and they wanted to make absolutely sure no other labels were expecting this move, bringing Irene in, but then, once the need for silence stopped…I just couldn’t bring myself to really say it out loud.”

“How’s Artie dealing with all of this?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes, “Oh Myka…I’m fairly certain you can imagine. He came home and huffed and puffed, grumbling vague threats about leaving and about how he’s given everything to that label and about disloyalty, on and on and on, and yet he kept going in for work, albeit miserably. I think, at this point, he’s come around to the idea. I mean, let’s be honest, he always hated how much interaction he had to have with artists, so in some ways I think he’s happier, but being replaced…”

Myka shook her head, “It couldn’t have been easy.”

“No. Not when the company you helped build indicates they really no longer appreciate your style of doing things. But the thing is…I can’t say I disagree with the move. I mean, everyone in this damn town knows I left that label because I hated how things were starting to be run. Artists were losing their voices, they weren’t getting a say. Jesus, I told you and Sam as much. I was ecstatic when you _didn’t_ sign with them, and that probably said more than words ever could. Irene is a breath of fresh air for that label. No one will admit it, but they’ve been floundering. Artists leaving. Complaints like crazy. They needed a change. Do I hate that that change had to be my husband? Yes. Do I think Artie was doing his job properly though? No.”

“Helena said that he was in their meeting though, so it seems like he’s still getting some say…”

Vanessa waved a dismissive hand, “Formalities, keeping up appearances. He really has no say in artist relations anymore. He is purely the finance guy now.”

“Well say or not, Claudia certainly gave him a piece of _her_ mind the other day.”

Vanessa let out a shout of laughter, “Oh trust me, I heard. Honestly though? He loved it. He loves her. He said he’s never seen someone with her spunk, her enthusiasm. He said she’s hands down one of the best guitarists they’ve heard in a long time. I think standing up for herself impressed him.”

Myka shook her head and laughed softly, “Leave it to Claudia to do the completely asinine thing and have it work out in her favor.”

“Indeed. He said he felt hopeful about them….”

Myka nodded slowly, glancing back towards Helena who was determinedly keeping her back to their conversation, headphones tucked into her ears. Myka smiled softly at the effort to give them space, she turned back to Vanessa, “He should be. If my conversation with them last night was any indication, I think they’re leaning their way.”

“Let me guess between them and Jack and Rebecca?”

“Just like usual.”

Vanessa nodded, “Just like usual. Well, good for them. They’ll do well wherever they sign, but I’m sure Artie will see this as a bit of an evening of the score with St. Secord after losing you.”

Myka scoffed, “It’s been almost ten years, he needs to let that go.”

Vanessa let out more incredulous laughter, “You do remember my husband right dearest? He doesn’t let _anything_ go.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Well then, yes, I suppose he’ll call this score evened.”

“He’ll think that until he hears you’re back there. You realize that right?”

“Don’t tell me that I am doomed to forever be Artie’s the one that got away. Jesus, I should send him Liam’s version of the song…tell him I send it with love.”

Vanessa chuckled, “He wanted you at Artifact. It killed him he couldn’t convince you two.”

“Yeah, well, I think we’ve all ended up where we needed to be.” Myka turned soft eyes towards Helena, who was finishing putting chairs up on the last table. Myka tapped on the bar lightly, “Speaking of which, where I need to be is in my car, getting that lovely woman home.” She stood up, pulling Vanessa up with her, hugging her tightly, “You know, if you need anything, I’m here.”

Vanessa returned the hug with a sigh of gratitude, “Thank you dear one. I might take you up on that.”

Myka smiled softly, “Please do.” She moved towards Helena, tugging a headphone out of her ear, arms sliding around her waist, “Ready to head home Swagger?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Back to Swagger now. How the hell am I supposed to keep all these _names_ straight?”

Myka shook her head and shrugged on her coat, “I’m ignoring you and going to warm up the car.”

“You do that darling.”

**

“And Ms. Wells if you’ll just sign there, that will be the last of the signatures.”

Helena took a deep breath, looking at the line where Mrs. Frederic was pointing. Helena’s hand gripped around the pen a little tighter, glancing over Claudia, Steve, and Pete’s signatures which preceded her own. This was it, one more signature and all of this was official. She smiled quickly to herself and signed.

Mrs. Frederic slid the surprisingly thin contract back across the desk, glancing over it, making sure everything was set. She looked back at Kelly, “I’ll make sure a copy of this is sent to your office.”

Kelly nodded, looking extremely official and like she was about to burst with pride, “I’d appreciate that Irene, thank you.”

Mrs. Frederic stood, spreading out her hands in welcome, “Well, with that taken care of, I think it is only appropriate that I welcome the four of you, _officially_ , to Artifact Records.”

Claudia let out a tiny squeal of delight, but immediately schooled her features into one of seriousness and control, “Sorry Mrs. F, thank you.”

Helena rolled her eyes, apparently Claudia was _determined_ to not acknowledge the weight of the moment at all, yet she couldn’t help the swell of pride that she felt at Claudia’s confidence in just being _herself_ , even in the face of record executives. It was a trait Mrs. Frederic seemed to appreciate as she gave Claudia a cryptic smile, “No need to apologize Ms. Donovan. This label is your home now, you should feel welcome to be comfortable here.”

Pete took the invitation to heart and rubbed his hands together, “So? What’s the plan? What happens now?”

Mrs. Frederic smirked, though she tried to hide it, “Now, Mr. Lattimer, we get you four out there, more than you have been already. We’ll get you in the studio next week to put a little bit of polish on ‘Ain’t it Fun,’ and then we release it.”

Helena gave her a questioning look, “A single release already?”

“Yes. We want to get your names out there fast and hit the public hard with what they should expect from you. We want them to be excited, _clamoring_ for your album, _which_ you will have all the time in the world to work on, but we want people to already be asking about it. We want people to know who you are. So, we get the single released, get you on the radio, schedule some radio interviews, which Kelly will take charge of, and we go from there. For now, what you need to do is celebrate, and then, sit down and talk about where you want your album to go. Kelly has told me you enjoyed working with Douglas Fargo. He’s a fantastic producer and if he’s willing to work on your album, you start scheduling studio time. You record, you write, you enjoy yourselves, and before you know it, everyone in this city, in this _state_ will know who you are and will be wondering when they can get their hands on your album. I don’t want to talk about anything other than an album right now, so don’t worry about touring or any of that business. Kelly will keep up your regular schedule of shows around here and in Denver, and when the time is right we’ll talk about expanding that. Does that sound like a good plan, Mr. Lattimer?”

Pete’s jaw was hanging ajar, all he could muster was a shocked, “Yeah, definitely.”

Mrs. Frederic betrayed a small puff of laughter, “Wonderful. Well, as I said, for now, you need to go celebrate. We’ll be in touch.”

**

“Tattoos!” Claudia practically slammed her beer bottle down on the table, a wicked glint of mischief in her eye.

Steve rolled his eyes, “Jesus, one beer and she’s gone.”

Pete clinked his cream soda bottle against the neck of Steve’s beer, “Why I stick to the soda Steve-O.”

Claudia groaned in exasperation, “Oh come on, I’m not drunk! We always said we would do something crazy when we got our big break. _This_ is the big break, it’s time for the crazy.”

Helena set down her small glass of whiskey, leaning back into the arm Myka had draped across the back of her chair, “I don’t believe I ever signed on to this little crazy pact you three seem to have made.”

Pete slid his chair over and laid his head on Helena’s shoulder, “Oh H.G. don’t spoil our fun. _Plus_ , agreeing to be in a band with the three of us kind of guaranteed you a decent amount of crazy.”

Myka chuckled into her beer, “You’ve got that right.”

“Exactly! I mean come on, you’re dating Myka, you’re a glutton for crazy!”

Myka leaned across Helena’s body slightly, extending her hand that had been curled around Helena’s shoulder to smack against the back of Pete’s head, “Unnecessary Lattimer.”

Pete jerked up, rubbing at the back of his head and leaning into Amanda with a pathetic face begging for sympathy. Amanda simply laughed loudly, “Oh hell no, you walked right into that babe. That’s on you.”

Claudia gave a high pitched whistle, “Ok, turning the crazy train around. Tattoos are not crazy. Tattoos are badass. Tattoos are _rock ‘n roll_.” 

Steve arched his eyebrow, “She has a point, on that count, and on the crazy pact count.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “I would not have expected you to be the one to jump on this bandwagon Steven.”

Steve shrugged, “Eh what the hell? I’ve always wanted one anyway. So, why the hell not?”

Claudia pumped her fist, “That’s two! Petester?”

“Dude, I have one already, what harm is one more? As long as my lady doesn’t protest?” 

Amanda grimaced, “I’m sorry H.G., but no complaints here. I, for one, think they’re sexy as hell, so I’m in.”

Pete grinned broadly, kissing her cheek, “That’s my girl. _Badass_.”

Claudia wiggled three fingers towards Helena, “That’s three…. _come on_ H.G. live a little. Or do the British not believe in tattoos?”

Helena rolled her eyes and downed the rest of her whiskey, “Bloody hell. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but why not? And Claudia, you would do well to remember the British _invented_ badass.”

Claudia grinned like a little kid as Helena winked at her, “Let’s do it then!”

Helena held up a hand, “Shouldn’t we decide what exactly we’re permanently inking onto our bodies first?”

Pete gave her an incredulous look, “It’s gotta be the band name right? Our logo! C’mon H.G. that’s a no brainer.”

After a solid forty-five minutes of discussion and a distinct _end_ to their drinking, they each decided on a different image of the same concept. They each changed up the script the band name would be in according to what fit them the most, along with several mechanical gears looped through the words. Claudia had designed a logo once H.G. had joined the band that she called “rock ‘n roll meets steampunk,” so suddenly Pete’s bass drum front was a gear, Claudia’s guitar had been repainted and refitted with different gear-themed knobs, and Steve had done the same to his bass. Helena had designed a new microphone that she got custom ordered to fit the theme, secretively reveling in the subtle nod to Victorian England. The whole idea suited them all, so it seemed appropriate to carry it over to their crazy plan of tattoos. 

Pete drained the rest of his soda and pounded his fist on the table, “Alright, let’s do this!”

Myka looked at them all slightly aghast, “Seriously? You’re doing this tonight? It’s eleven o’clock.”

“This plan is meant to be crazy Mykes, which means we do it now, so no one can get cold feet and back out. Plus, don’t you remember, Mike owns the tattoo place a few streets over and they’re open twenty-four hours.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Remind me to tell him that I wished his German major had stuck, rather than switching to art.”

They all gathered their coats, heading quickly towards the door, but Helena pulled Myka’s arm, holding her back. When Myka turned towards her there was concern etched across her face, “What’s up Swagger?”

“Darling, are you quite alright with this? You’ve been extremely quiet…”

Myka sighed, “It’s a little crazy and you realize it’s going to hurt like hell right?”

Helena nodded, “Yes, but the whiskey will be an excellent buffer to that.”

Myka chuckled, “You realize that when we’re 80 that tattoo is still going to be there.”

“Eh, it’ll remind me that once upon a time, oh so very long ago, I was a _badass_ , apparently.” Myka snorted with laughter, as Helena pulled her in tightly, kissing her slowly, “Will you still love me, even if I’m 80 and woefully tattooed?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Of course. I’ll only start debating that when we’re 100.”

“Aces!”

“Oh so British…and apparently about to be oh so tattooed.”

**

Myka leaned into Amanda’s shoulder, “How the _hell_ did our night end up here?”

Amanda chuckled, “We fell in love with and befriended crazy people.”

Myka nodded, smirking, “Right. Keep reminding me of that.”

“I guarantee you…in the end…you will end up being happy about this.”

Myka arched an incredulous eyebrow at her, “Yeah?”

“ _Hell_ yeah. Because trust me…it’s sexy. Just give it time. I bet you twenty bucks that by the next time I see you, you’ll be singing a different tune.”

“You’re on.”

**

“Ok, how do we get all of these in the same photo?” Claudia was practically _bouncing_ around the tattoo parlor.

Pete snapped his fingers, “Got it! Everybody on the floor!”

“Pete, do not destroy my store!” Mike called from the back room.

Pete waved a dismissive hand, “Ignore him. Seriously everybody on the floor.”

“I cannot believe we’re doing this,” Steve muttered, all the while sitting down on the floor.

“We just got tattoos Steven, I don’t think sitting on the floor qualifies as anything remotely close to crazy this evening,” Helena smirked as she sat down next to Claudia.

Pete plopped down next to them, “Ok we can do this if someone takes the picture from above us. H.G. bend your knees and lean back so your feet are in the middle. Steve lay on your side next to H.G. so your shoulder is next to her feet. I’ll lay on my stomach, and Claud you stretch your wrist across my back.” 

“Again I say, I cannot believe we’re doing this…” 

“Again, you say that while you’re doing exactly what he recommended Steven.”

“Oh come on, it’ll look really cool. You won’t see our faces, it’ll look artistic.”

“Just do what he says, or he’ll never stop talking.”

“Damn straight, Claud, I won’t.”

Myka and Amanda were both bent over double with laughter, as they watched the scene play out. Amanda gasped, “They’re perfect for each other, all four of them.”

“That they are. Alright you lunatics, hand over your phones so we can take these pictures and get you off of this floor. And Helena, you are _showering_ before you get even remotely close to my bed this evening.”

Helena leaned back further on her arms, smiling brightly, “Of course darling.”

In the end, Pete was right. The picture ended up looking unbelievably cool; each of them with “Seeking Endless Wonder” scrawled across their skin, along Pete’s left shoulder blade, down Steve’s bicep, across both of Helena’s feet, and along the inside of Claudia’s left wrist. You couldn’t see their faces, just the tattoos, and when Claudia saw it she declared, “That is _totally_ going in the album jacket.”  
**

When they went to bed that night, _after_ Helena’s shower, Myka pulled Helena’s very sore feet into her lap, chuckling softly to herself. Helena gave her a quizzical look, “Has our crazy infected you finally darling?”

Myka leaned over and kissed her softly, “No, I’m just realizing I’m going to owe Amanda twenty bucks…”

**

Two weeks later, Myka was standing in her office going over confirmation details on an order that had failed to arrive that morning. Claudia had volunteered to deal with it, call the company and “tell the guy what’s up,” but Myka said she would take care of it, and left her to the usual Monday hustle of afternoon customers. Helena had just peeked in the office to see if there was anything she could do to help, and Myka had pointed towards a box of magazines that had come in that needed to be put up. Helena had given her a soft smile, a nod, and a kiss on the cheek, muttering, “Don’t give them too hard of a time.”

Myka sank down into her chair, pulling the phone towards her, propping her feet on the desk. She dialed and waited a ridiculously long time before a kid with a distinct, “I don’t care” tone answered the phone, “Downtown Studio…”

Myka was on the brink of saying what she needed, on the brink of asking to be transferred to someone in charge, on the brink of wondering where the hell her shipment was, when she completely stopped. She completely stopped because filtering through her office door from the stereo, were a very distinct, very loud, very as yet unheard on the radio until now, eight seconds. Her eyes went wide and without giving it a second thought, she muttered, “I’ll call you back,” and slammed the phone down, darting back out into the store. 

Claudia and Helena were both frozen to the spots where they were standing, mouths agape at the radio, struck dumb in shock. Myka just shook her head and laughed, yelling at Claudia, “Don’t just stand there, go open up the damn door, so we can let the whole block hear this…”

Claudia shook out of her stupor and ran for the door while Myka adjusted the stereo system to full blast. With a smile wider than she knew was possible she turned towards Helena, faux questioning look on her face and shouted, “I _think_ this sounds an awful lot like you Swagger…”

Helena didn’t move. Didn’t speak. Didn’t breath. As her own voice carried through the store, past the door, and out into the streets.

_“Ain’t it fun…livin’ in the real world…ain’t it good…bein’ all alone…”_

Claudia came racing back into the store, screaming into her phone, “Jinxsy, the fucking radio, turn it on!” before hanging up and colliding wildly into Helena with enough force to bring her back to reality. She looked at Claudia in wonder, “This is us…”

“Damn right it is H.G.”

Myka just laughed at them both, wrapping her arms around Helena’s waist and leaning her chin down on her shoulder, chuckling, “These are your words…on the radio…stop talking and enjoy it!”

_“Where you’re from…well you might be the one whose runnin’ things…well you could ring anybody’s bell and get what you want…see it’s easy to ignore trouble…when you’re livin’ in a bubble…”_

Myka had known they had done some touchups in the studio, but she hadn’t heard the final cut until this precise moment. This precise moment when she realized that Fargo had perfectly captured Helena’s voice, a little raw, a little cracked, with just enough lilting, higher vibrato at the end of each line. They had added Claudia in with her on the chorus, and Myka realized it was exactly what the song had been missing. It was faint, but it was noticeable, just a tiny edge of higher notes running through the background. As she let the lyrics wash over her, she thought about just how much Claudia and Helena had to have poured into these lines about their lives, their losses, and just how perfect it was to hear them singing them together.

_“Ain’t it fun livin’ in the real world…ain’t it good bein’ all alone…ain’t it good to be on your own…ain’t it fun you can’t count on no one…ain’t it good to be on your own…ain’t it fun you can’t count on one…ain’t it fun livin’ in the real world…”_

Myka wanted to try and focus on all the effort Pete had put into his drum line, how driving it was, how it somehow managed to make the song upbeat and hopeful despite the crushing reality it actually spoke to. It was brilliant, but she would have to focus on it some other time, the _next_ time it was on the radio, because for now, all she wanted to think about was Helena’s voice carrying through, echoing through her store.

_“Don’t go cryin’ to your mama cuz you’re on your own in the real world…don’t go cryin’ to you mama cuz you’re on your own in the real world…”_

It built and built, each of their voices adding in on top of the last with each repetition of the phrase, first just Helena, then Helena and Claudia, then Helena, Claudia, and Steve, and finally adding in Pete on the last iteration, only to have them all drop out again, leaving only Helena’s voice to bounce off of Pete’s downbeat mixed with a small clap track through the back.

_“Ain’t it fun…ain’t it fun…baby now you’re one of us…ain’t it fun…ain’t it fun…ain’t it fun…”_

Myka absently wondered which one of them wrote the “now you’re one of us” line, whether it was Claudia’s sly way of acknowledging Helena as family, or if it was Helena welcoming Claudia into adulthood, into a world where they all faced their pain and loss together, or if it was possibly both. Her thoughts were chased away by Claudia’s guitar tearing through at the end of the line, and then it was all starting over, an incessant beat through the chorus, until it was finished, and all three of them were standing there stunned and amazed. Myka took in Claudia and Helena’s faces, both of them with tears in their eyes and goofy smiles splayed across their lips. She pulled them both into a tight hug, “If I haven’t said it before, that song…is fucking amazing.”

Claudia squealed and hugged Myka tighter, until her phone was buzzing and she was shouting into it, “Todd-o-Rama!” and running out of the store.

Myka turned fully towards Helena, wrapping her tightly in her arms, not even caring that the radio was still on louder than necessary despite their song being over, “How does it feel to be a rock star Swagger?”

Helena laughed loudly, head thrown back in what Myka was certain was a picture of perfection, “It feels bloody brilliant.” Helena pressed up on her toes, kissing Myka fiercely, and as Myka brought her hands up to tangle in Helena’s hair, one stray thought echoed through her mind…

Now…it begins.


	15. I've Got This Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to handle a relationship when your rock star lifestyle gets out of control 101.
> 
> (Otherwise known as...life for the band gets a bit chaotic, Myka's new work schedule gets a bit chaotic, Myka and Helena's relationship gets a bit chaotic...and they try and figure out how to deal with that)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...so I never intended for it to be so long between chapters here, however, this chapter kind of exploded, to the point that I had to split it up. So, while the bad news is that it's been like a month since I've updated, the good news is that another chapter will be up in a couple of days! 
> 
> Thank you guys so, so much for sticking with this story...it's going to some interesting places soon (at least I think so!) and hopefully you guys are enjoying the ride!
> 
> Song for this chapter is going back to the good ole Civil Wars

_Colorado Springs, Colorado—mid-April, 2011_

“Helena, _please_ tell me you’re ready. We are so running late, and Pete is going to murder me,” Myka’s voice carried immediately through the seemingly empty apartment as she rattled her keys out of the lock. Usually she still knocked, despite the fact that it would make Helena roll her eyes and start mumbling about the uses of exchanging keys if she wasn’t going to actually _use_ said key, but tonight, Myka put that key to full use, because they were most certainly _late_.

She threw her keys into the bowl sitting on the table next to the door, “Helena, I’m taking your silence as an indication that you are in fact _not_ ready, and I should just text Pete now to tell him to start planning my slow death because seriously…murdering will be occurring if we are late for this party.”

Myka was too busy looking down at her phone to notice Helena coming out of the hallway, fixing an earring to her ear, “My silence was more a product of being shocked that you actually were using your key…” Helena’s voice and the continuation of any teasing comment she was on the brink of coming up with died in her throat the second she let her eyes drift away from her hands stray movements at her ears and actually allowed themselves to land on Myka. Myka who was standing, fidgeting from foot to foot in her living room. Myka who was draped in a dark green dress with a sheer black layer over it, accompanied by heels that were just this side of intoxicating, accentuating every muscle of her legs, much to Helena’s wild enjoyment. Myka who was standing in her living room looking damn near sinful, even with the harried look she had in her eyes. Myka who apparently hadn’t found it necessary to prepare Helena for the fact that she was going to _straighten_ her hair, and thus leave Helena jaw dropped and staring like she had forgotten how to breathe. 

Myka looked up from her phone, giving herself a moment of pause from her worry to take in the sight of Helena wrapped in a tight, perfection incarnate, black dress, but before she could say anything about Helena’s appearance, her words were stalled and changed by the look on Helena’s face. Myka felt her cheeks flush, but she fought it down, clearing her throat slightly, “I’m beginning to wonder if my imminent death might be a toss up between you and Pete tonight…”

Helena’s lips quirked up into a smirk that was practically feral, taking slow, measured steps towards Myka, “Why is that darling?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Because I’m surprised that I didn’t just burst into flames right here with the look you’re giving me right now.”

Helena quirked an eyebrow, coming up to Myka, but leaving _just enough_ space between them to set Myka’s breath off-kilter, Helena’s fingers coming up to twirl around a distinctly _not_ curly piece of hair, “I will not apologize for how I’m looking at you, imminent death or not, because you...” Helena let her eyes trail slowly down Myka’s body, revealing in the blush that followed her gaze. She traced a light finger over the necklace resting against the hollow of Myka’s throat, letting her eyes float back up to meet Myka’s, “You look…”

Myka felt a small smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth, “Stuck for words there Swagger?”

Helena tilted her head back in a soft breath of laughter, finally letting her arms curl around Myka’s neck, reveling in the speed with which Myka’s arms followed her lead wrapping around her waist, “Alas, I have finally found my vocabulary’s one weakness.”

Myka squeezed her arms around Helena’s waist, “Then apparently my imminent death is simply going to be a result of the end of the world, because your vocabulary stalling is clearly an indication of it.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Stunningly, _ridiculously_ gorgeous, but still insufferable.”

“Ah and the words return,” Myka leaned down, a considerable distance given that Helena was still in her bare feet, and kissed her lightly.

Helena smiled into the kiss before pulling away, “You look incredible, though I have to say I never expected to see your hair so…”

“Tame?” Myka chuckled.

“That’s a word for it…”

Myka sighed, “Before my imminent death this evening, I will be taking Amanda with me, because this was all for her. She’s wanted me to try it for years, and well, I figured, tonight is her night, so why the hell not give her something she’s always wanted?”

Helena bit back a chuckle, her eyes darkening into a shade of desire, her arms linking tighter around Myka’s neck, “Does that apply to _everyone_ tonight?”

Myka blushed deeply, “ _Possibly_ , but we are really, _really_ late…”

Helena scoffed playfully, “Different hair, same Myka…so diligent and punctual and concerned about where she needs to be, despite the fact that her girlfriend is no longer certain she will be able to actually leave the apartment now.” Helena tugged Myka down for another slow, desperate, _desirous_ to be even more late kiss, “You know, if we _are_ already late…”

Myka groaned against Helena’s lips, “You are impossible…and if I don’t make us leave right now we never will and I seriously _don’t_ want to think of the consequences of my absence from this party.”

“Oh I could tell you some of the consequences darling…”

“I’m sure you could, and I’m sure I would _desperately_ appreciate those consequences. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you of my previous statements about my imminent death also being a consequence, along with my hair going absolutely wild if we continue to stall, and then the three hours of my life I put into getting it like this would be a total waste, and you wouldn’t want _that_ now would you?”

Helena laughed softly, “I _suppose_ I should take those things into consideration, however, _my_ death may be just as imminent if you’re expecting me to survive an entire night in public with you looking like this.” Helena leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the hollow of Myka’s throat, pressing the necklace into her skin.

Myka let out a quiet groan, “You enjoy making my life difficult.” Myka leaned into the feeling of Helena’s lips on her skin for one single second longer, before pulling back, “Ok I’m extracting myself from your wiles Swagger, and you are putting on shoes and we are getting out of here.”

Helena sighed despairingly, “ _Fine_ , evil woman.” 

Helena turned back towards the hallway, only to have Myka’s hand slip into her own and tug her back into her arms, kissing her fiercely, “I _will_ make it up to you later…”

Helena hummed in pleasure, “Pete needs to get engaged more often if this is the result…”

“Indeed. Alright, shoes, coat, purse, let’s get to this party Swagger.”

**

“Oh. My. God.” Amanda tugged Myka into a swift, tight hug, “I cannot believe it. _Eight years_ of begging and what it took was Pete asking me to marry him to get you to tame those curls of yours?”

Myka rolled her eyes and sighed, “Apparently, but considering that _this_ ,” Myka gestured wildly around her head, “took _three fucking hours_ to do, do not expect it to happen that often. I am just not that patient.”

Amanda laughed warmly, “All I wanted was one night, so I’ll take it.”

“Good.” 

Myka turned in preparation of finally getting a chance to talk to Pete, since Amanda had pulled her in the second they had walked in the door, but before she could move, Amanda was tugging her closely again, whispering ,”Seriously though, you look so insanely hot I’m impressed that Helena actually let you out of the apartment.”

Myka rolled her eyes, but couldn’t contain her blush or her laughter, “Trust me it was not for lack of trying.”

“God it’s a wonder you two get anything done…”

Myka smirked, “There are just _so many_ things I could say to that, but I’m not going to, and I’m simply ignoring you now and going to say congratulations to your _fiancé_.”

**

Myka leaned against the bar, sipping at her sparkling cider, trying desperately not to stare at Helena where she was deep in conversation with Liam and Steve, though it was nearly impossible. Myka loved watching her in stolen moments like this, moments where she was so unencumbered and loose, not trying to present any kind of persona or unnecessary front. It hadn’t taken Myka long to notice that they shared that tendency, the tendency to put up a thin, but seemingly necessary veneer of control and slightly detached emotion, all in the name of appearing calm and put together. Yet, more and more, as Helena became more settled, more engrained in their little family of a group, that wall was there less and less, and Myka was nothing if not thankful for it, because getting to watch her like this…it gave Myka an odd sense of hopefulness that the world might just be spinning the way it needed to be. She watched as Helena’s hands flew in different, exaggerated gestures, while Steve just covered his eyes in what seemed to be embarrassment while Liam held his arm tightly trying to contain his laughter. She watched as Helena and Liam both put arms around Steve’s shoulders, each planting a loud kiss to one of his cheeks. She watched as Helena’s eyes, averted from the scene for mere milliseconds, just in an effort to find her own, so Helena could give her the quickest flash of a smile and a wink, a reminder that even though they were on opposite ends of the room, Helena’s mind was solely focused on her. Myka felt a small shiver run down her spine, as she returned the smile with a soft wiggle of her fingers. This woman…

“You know Mykes, you stare like that, your face might get stuck with that goofy grin forever,” Pete slid into the space next to her bumping into her shoulder playfully.

She scoffed, despite the smile pulling at her lips, “Well if anyone would know about goofy…”

“That would absolutely be me. Though I gotta say…can’t really blame you for the staring. Part of me feels like I should be concerned that you two are stealing away from Amanda and I’s hotness, since it is our party after all.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I shall try to tone down my _hotness_ , Pete. It’s what any decent best man would do.”

“Damn straight.” He clinked his bottle of cream soda against her glass, “Man…I can’t believe this party.”

“You two happen to be exceedingly popular people, though I’m fairly certain most of them are here just to collect on the bets they had taken as to whether or not you would ever actually pop the question.”

Pete screwed up his face in an offended manner, “Hey, hey, hey, I was playing the long game. Knew what I was doing the _whole_ time.”

“Oh yes, Pete Lattimer, master of the eight year slow play.”

Pete just shrugged his shoulders with a grin, “Hey, it worked didn’t it?” 

Myka watched as his eyes tracked across the room to where Amanda was talking with her sister, watched as his gaze lit up when Amanda glanced at him with a contented smile. Myka leaned over and slightly adjusted his tie, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “It worked perfectly, Pete, and I for one could not be happier for you two.”

Pete slung an arm around her shoulders, “Thanks Mykes.” He sighed lightly, “Man, did you ever think this is where we’d end up?”

Myka rested her head against his shoulder, “I can’t really say that I did, however, I’m pretty glad this is how it worked out.”

“Me too. Oh,” Pete squeezed her shoulders, his voice lowering, taking on an uncertain tone, “uh there’s something I needed to mention to you, speaking of how things have worked out and how we’ve gotten here…”

Myka looked at him quizzically, “You’re being cryptic, it doesn’t suit you.”

Pete rubbed at the back of his neck, “Look, the DJ kind of asked us for a list of music for tonight, ya know trying to set the mood and all, and well…he asked for music that meant something to us, and…we just couldn’t imagine…”

Myka reached up and gave Pete’s hand a squeeze where it laid against her shoulder, “Pete, it’s ok. Part of me feels like I should have been offended if some of our music wasn’t included…I mean we _did_ write a song for you two after all…”

**

_Pikes Peak Coffee, Colorado Springs, Late Spring 2004_

Sam waited until the applause had died down before glancing over at Myka, darting his eyes quickly to the table near the front of the stage where Pete and Amanda were seeming to pay more attention to each other than what was going on in front of them. Sam arched an eyebrow in question, to which Myka just rolled her eyes and nodded. Sam gave her a beaming smile and then turned back to his microphone, “Thank you folks so much for coming out to hear us tonight. We know that a lot of you have been here before, and well, we figured why not pay you back with something _new_ for a change. This next one is a song that lovely lady behind the piano wrote for a couple of people who _just happen_ to be in the audience this evening, and who _just happen_ to have chosen to spend their one year anniversary here listening to us, rather than out celebrating with each other. Pete, Amanda, this one’s for you guys…happy anniversary.”

Myka couldn’t hold in her laughter as both of their eyes widened, attention immediately snapped back to the stage and what was apparently happening. Pete gave Myka a shocked, quizzical look, but she just shot him a quick, contented smile and a wink, mouthing, “Happy Anniversary,” before nodding to Sam to start the song.

**

_Colorado Springs Country Club, mid-April, 2011_

Pete chuckled around the memory, “Still to this day, best present ever.”

“You’re flattering me, but I’ll take it.”

Pete paused, just barely, just enough to give the moment weight, “It’s going to be _the_ song ya know? Like _the_ wedding song. First dance and all of that.”

Myka felt her jaw drop and tears immediately spring to her eyes, her voice coming out breathy and awed, “Pete…”

Pete shook his head, “No, Mykes, it had to be. C’mon, is there really any other song it could have been? If it weren’t for you…for you walking with me through that first god awful year, I never would have had the courage to go up to Amanda. I didn’t think I was in a place to do it. I didn’t think I was the right man to be going after a woman like her. _You_ Mykes, you…and Sam I gotta admit, you guys helped make this possible. When Amanda and I sat down to start planning, that was one of the first decisions we made. It was simple.”

Myka turned and wrapped her arms around Pete’s shoulders, pressing another kiss to his cheek, “You are the craziest man I know, and I love you, and I…well…I’m _honored_ that you guys would do that.”

Pete squeezed her tightly, “I love you too Mykes, and because I don’t feel like turning into a crying mess, I’m going to lighten the mood here and state that I hope you _do_ realize how hot you look tonight.”

Myka pulled away and slapped him on the shoulder, “ _Ruining the moment_ , as always!”

Pete chuckled and threw his arm back around her shoulder, “It’s what I’m here for. Oh man,” Pete pointed over to where Amanda was maneuvering her sister and his sister towards Helena and Steve, “should we go intercept that? Because I do not trust what those three would say about either of us to H.G.”

Myka groaned, “Lord, yes.”

The two of them made a beeline towards where the group was converging. Pete swooping in to tuck an arm around Amanda’s waist, whispering, “Remember embarrassing the man you love isn’t nice.” While Myka stole up next to Helena and murmured, “I am _not_ responsible for anything that happens in the next five minutes.” Helena gave her a quizzical look, but couldn’t ask any questions before Amanda was descending up on them with a swirl of introductions.

“God this party…way too many people preventing me from talking to the people I _actually_ want to see.”

Myka smirked, “Good prep for the wedding, I suppose.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “Good point. Ok, H.G. a couple of people for you to met, know, and ultimately love, because you love us. This is my sister Laura, and this is Pete’s sister Jeannie. Laura, Jeannie, this is H.G.” She signed the last sentence to Jeannie who smiled softly and extended a hand to Helena.

Helena smiled, taking her hand, and then signing, “Nice to meet you,” while saying the same to Laura.

Myka looked at her in surprise, squeezing an arm around her waist. Helena just smiled, “One of the many talents I picked up in New York darling. It’s a long story.”

Myka chuckled, “You always have some sort of trick up your sleeve don’t you?”

Helena tucked a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “Always.”

Laura laughed and leaned into Amanda, “Ok, now I get it, now I totally get how this is the woman who _finally_ nabbed Myka.”

Myka groaned, “See, this is why I said I am _not_ responsible for anything that happens in this conversation.”

“Oh c’mon Myka, you know I’m teasing, but I’ve seriously been begging Amanda to meet H.G. because I was beginning to think she didn’t exist. I was certain there was no person on earth who was good enough for our dear Myka.” Laura reached out and pinched at Myka’s wrist, teasing smile on her lips.

Myka just rolled her eyes, laughing softly, “I hate you all.”

“And by hate you mean absolutely adore us,” Amanda winked.

“Something like that. _Anyway_ , Helena welcome to the insanity that is Pete and Amanda’s extended family. They are all certifiable, which only made all of us realize that Amanda and Pete were meant for each other.”

Helena smiled, “I can see that. I have to state what is probably extremely obvious though. I find it unbelievably coincidental that Pete’s sister and your mother have the same name.”

Pete smirked, “Ah yes, the sign that _Myka and I_ were always destined for each other as well. The world works in mysterious ways H.G. I’ve stopped questioning it.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh absolutely, the world had it out for me the second Jeannie was born, I was forever bound to be plagued by a total pain in the ass of a best friend.”

“Whom you love and adore,” Pete winked.

“Darling, I’m beginning to think that your certifiable insanity statement may extend a bit beyond Pete and Amanda’s family…”

Myka chuckled and pulled Helena closer, pressing a kiss to her ear, “Probably very true. However, you have chosen to love me therefore…”

“Therefore, I am equally crazy and quite pleased if the result of that insanity is you.”

Laura and Jeannie both let out a quiet groan. Laura rolled her eyes, “Once again I say, I totally get it, and Myka do not let that woman go if she readily agrees to not only deal with _your_ crazy, but all of ours as well.”

Myka smiled deeply, her eyes never leaving Helena’s, “Yeah, that’s kind of my plan.”

Suddenly Pete cleared his throat, “Christ, speaking of crazy. Uh, Mykes, incoming, six o’clock.”

Myka glanced over her shoulder to see her parents walking through the door of the country club. She let out a small groan and rested her face against Helena’s shoulder, lips moving against Helena’s bare skin, “Fuck, I had completely forgotten about _that_ part of this evening.”

Helena’s eyes followed Myka’s, only to harden and steel as she watched Myka’s parents coming towards them. She mumbled against Myka’s hair, the smoothness of which still took her aback, “I can’t say I was expecting your parents to be here.”

“Remember, Pete’s mom and my mom are friends, plus at this point, Pete’s family is my family and vice versa, so here we are.”

“Love, have you seen your father since…”

“No,” Myka’s tone was icy and sharp, causing a leaden ball of worry to sink into Helena’s stomach, but before she could say another word, Myka’s parents were upon them.

Jeannie was effusive in her greetings to Pete and Amanda, as well as to Jeannie and Laura, making Helena realize just exactly what Myka had meant about their families being a joint affair at this point. It was comforting in a way, to know that this was a circle she was a part of now, a circle where family meant more than just blood, but was about connection and relationships and meaning. That feeling only filled her more when Jeannie turned to her and Myka, smiling brightly.

Jeannie pulled Myka in for a tight hug and then held her out at arm’s length, toying with her hair, “Amanda finally won that argument I see.”

Myka chuckled, “Just for tonight.”

Jeannie eyed her carefully, and shrugged her shoulders, “I like it. Though I can’t imagine it was easy to manage. _Do not_ forget to send your sister a picture or Lord help us she will never forgive any of us.” Jeannie turned to Helena, “I swear the number of times I had to stop Tracy from chasing her around the house with a flat iron, it’s a wonder I am not covered in burns from head to toe.”

Helena laughed quietly, while Myka shook her head, “That girl was a menace. _You raised_ a menace. We need to just hope she keeps the damn thing away from Ethan’s hair. The poor boy won’t know what hit him.”

Jeannie just waved a dismissive hand, “I learned long ago that your sister’s menacing qualities were far beyond my capabilities to conquer, I don’t care if I am her mother. Some things you just learn to avoid.” Jeannie then turned to Helena and pulled her in tightly.

Jeannie held onto Helena a little longer than usual, whispering words that Helena certainly hadn’t been expecting, though she realized she probably should have been, “It has been _far too long_ since I’ve seen you, Helena.”

Helena smiled softly, “I know, I’m sorry, life has been a little…hectic.”

Jeannie chuckled, “Well, I must say, eventually my daughter will have to stop keeping you all to herself.”

Myka groaned, “Mother…”

Helena and Jeannie both laughed contentedly. Jeannie reached out and laid a warm hand against Helena’s forearm, “Anything you can do to break her of her horrendous ability to be too easily embarrassed, I would really appreciate it.”

Helena smirked, “I’ll see what I can do, though I must admit, I rather enjoy how flustered she gets.”

Myka gave them both a mock glare, “This is my life now? You two ganging up on me. I may debate moving.”

Helena gave Jeannie a sideways glance, “Do you think she really means that?”

“Never. She loves us both far too much to mean it. I think we’re safe.”

Myka pointed at both of them, “Insufferable women!” Despite her incredulous tone, Myka slid an arm around Helena and pulled her closer, eyeing her mom, “You _are_ right, however, I do love you both, so you’re stuck with me.”

“And we wouldn’t have it any other way darling,” Helena pressed a small kiss to Myka’s jaw.

Myka leaned into the hold she had on Helena, wanting the moment to linger. Despite their teasing, she loved that Helena had fallen into such an easy relationship with her mom. It made things feel like they were _right_. She watched them both in contented ease as Helena asked Jeannie how the store was and her mom asked how the album was going. Things were flowing so smoothly that Myka had practically forgotten that her father was still present. Pete had been doing a wonderful job of keeping him distracted, but eventually one of Pete’s friends from work pulled him aside and her dad was left with nothing to do but turn and join their small group. He cleared his throat loudly enough to interrupt Jeannie and Helena’s laughter. He didn’t meet Myka’s gaze, simply nodded in her direction, muttering, “Ophelia.”

Myka’s grip tightened around Helena’s waist, “Hi.”

Myka watched in amazement as her father actually turned and made eye contact with Helena, even offering what could have been mistaken for a smile, “Nice to see you again Helena.”

Helena was powerless to hold back the look of shock on her face, “Oh…you as well Mr. Bering.” 

Myka shot Helena a quick sidelong questioning glance, giving her waist a small squeeze. Neither of them were certain what exactly was behind Myka’s father’s actions, but it didn’t matter much, because once the greetings were exchanged he lapsed into a cold, deafening silence, glancing at Myka every few seconds, his eyes wandering down to where her hand was curled around Helena’s hip. After the third glance over, Helena couldn’t handle it, the silence, the undertone of judgment. She was in no mood to cause any sort of disruption to Pete and Amanda’s evening, so she figured it was safest to excuse herself from the situation. She curled a hand over the one Myka had wrapped around her, leaning into Myka’s hold, “Love, I’m going to go get us some more drinks.” She took Myka’s empty glass out of Myka’s hand, letting her fingers linger over Myka’s for a brief moment.

Myka smiled and tried not to roll her eyes at Helena’s very obvious need to get away from her father and her very obvious desire to frustrate the hell out of him in the process. She bit down on her lip to keep from laughing, she had to, otherwise her mind would allow itself to circle down into a pit of how terribly things had deteriorated between her and her father, and well, she didn’t feel like going down that road tonight. She gave Helena’s waist another squeeze and leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek, whispering, “For the love of God, do not stall…”

Helena moved out of Myka’s hold and towards the bar, turning back to whisper in Myka’s ear teasingly, “Maybe if you would have _let_ me stall earlier, I might be inclined to _not_ this time around.”

Myka rolled her eyes as Helena’s lilting laughter echoed in her ear. 

Once Helena left, Jeannie attempted to maintain some modicum of comfortable conversation between the three of them, keeping to neutral topics, even going so far as to pull her phone out of her purse to flip through the latest round of pictures Tracy had sent of Ethan, but nothing could shake the heavy cloud of discomfort that had descended upon them. Eventually, however, Warren caught the eye of someone across the room that he golfed with, and made little effort at holding back his happiness at being able to escape their family circle. 

As he walked away, Myka let out a long breath, one she wasn’t even sure she knew she was holding, “I’m sorry Mom. I know, I know this is hard on you, I just…”

“Myka, stop right there. It’s fine. It is his problem, he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. You did nothing wrong. Now,” Jeannie let her gaze trail over to where Helena was still leaning against the bar, taking her sweet time refilling their drinks, “in the realm of relationships that seem to have _recovered_ from the consequences of certain actions…”

Myka smiled softly, “Yeah, well, I think I got lucky on that front.”

“You two certainly seem like things are better.”

“They are, they are _worlds_ better. I mean, it’s been a little tough lately trying to figure out new schedules with me working more now, but we’re figuring it out.”

Jeannie looked over to where Helena was glancing over her shoulder, failing at subtlety while eyeing Myka. Jeannie chucked, “Well, she certainly seems happy. What about you, my dear Myka?”

Myka sighed contentedly, “I am…I don’t even think there’s a word for what I am, actually. I don’t know Mom, I mean things just feel _good_. I’m glad to be back at work. Things at the Warehouse are settling in with Leena. Helena is… _Helena_. I don’t know, it’s just good right now.”

“Well, I for one am glad. She’s good for you…”

“On that I would whole-heartedly agree.”

“On what are you agreeing upon love?” Helena slid back into their circle handing Myka a newly refilled glass of sparkling cider, while also easing one of the two she held in her other hand over to Jeannie.

Jeannie took it gratefully, laughing, “Apparently, she’s good for me too.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “If you must know Swagger, my mother was commenting upon your propensity to be a good person to have in one’s life.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “And you were agreeing with that were you darling?”

“I was, _whole-heartedly_.”

Jeannie laughed softly at the blissful look that overtook Helena’s face at Myka’s affirmation, “You two are _almost_ too much. However, since we’re all in such agreement that Helena’s company is quite enjoyable, and since we’ve already confirmed that it is despicable how little I have seen of you lately, why don’t you come to lunch with us this week?”

Helena felt her eyebrows arch in surprise, eyeing Myka to make sure that such an invitation was welcome and desired. Myka just shot her a quick wink and a soft smile, which Helena quickly returned, “Of course, I would love to. I actually think I’m free Thursday, which hasn’t happened much lately, so lunch would be perfect.”

“Wonderful. We can spend the afternoon seeking to find all the various ways there are to embarrass my dear eldest daughter.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Sure, of course, an absolutely marvelous prospect of how to spend an afternoon. I cannot wait.”

Before either Helena or Jeannie could respond, the music that had been quietly filling the space, swelled slightly, marking a clear indication that people were welcome to start dancing. Helena slid an arm around Myka’s waist, “Shall I save you from further embarrassment and ask you to dance with me?”

Myka felt her features practically melt as she leaned into Helena’s hold, “That’s the best offer I’ve heard all night.” 

“Marvelous darling,” Helena grabbed Myka’s glass and set it on the nearest table along with her own, her hand immediately stealing into Myka’s tugging her lightly towards the dance floor. 

As they were moving away from Jeannie, she reached out a hand and clasped it around Myka’s wrist, “Once again, I ask if you remember what I said to you the day I first met Helena?”

Myka looked at her with questioning, “And once again I say that I do…”

Jeannie smiled cryptically, “Well, the look you have on your face right now is the exact same look that you had that day, and well…it’s good to see.”

Myka leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her mom’s cheek, “Thank you, and at least this time, not only am _I_ well aware of what this look indicates, but she is too.”

Jeannie threw her arms in the air in faux exaltation, “ _Finally_. Now go dance with that woman.”

“That was the plan, but _someone_ interrupted our way to the dance floor.”

Jeannie released Myka’s wrist and pushed a hand against the small of her back, “Get out of here.”

Myka laughed warmly as she moved back into Helena’s space, allowing herself to be pulled onto the dance floor, which had quickly become populated with people. She looped a tight arm around Helena’s waist, drawing her in close, feeling Helena’s hand come up to rest on her shoulder, fingers immediately tangling in a tiny strand of her hair. 

They swayed in silence for the briefest of moments, before Helena pulled away from Myka’s hold slightly, looking at her with a curious smirk, “So…what on earth was all of that with your mother before we got out here?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You hear everything don’t you?”

Helena shook her head back and forth in consideration, “Only when it seems to have to do with myself, yes.”

Myka chuckled, “Alas, eventually I will just be allowed no secrets, no privacy, no stolen moments with my mother…”

“Oh hoard all the secrets you want darling, doesn’t mean it will keep me from asking, especially when your mother _is_ currently staring at us with what can only be described as an utterly sappy look on her face.”

Myka looked behind her, where her mother was in fact staring at them with such love, such happiness, Myka didn’t even really know how to process it. It wasn’t a look she had seen her mother give her in a very, very long time. Myka turned back to Helena, pulling her in closer, “If you must know Swagger, my mother was taking the opportunity to remind me of the day she first met you.”

“Oh well that clears _everything_ up.”

Myka laughed quietly, “Before we left that day, my mom said something to me, something that I wasn’t expecting, something that I didn’t _quite_ think was obvious at that point, but she’s my mother, and well, she’s my mother.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with what she seemed to whisper to you…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Seriously, you notice everything. _Yes_ , it does.”

“I’ve always wondered about that…”

“Well, today is your lucky day Swagger. She asked me if I was aware that I was in love with you..”

Helena pulled back again, eyes wide with apparent shock, “She did not.”

“Oh she did…”

“What did you say?”

Myka blushed softly, “I told her that I was well aware of that fact.”

Helena’s eyes widened, then softened, “Myka…”

“I meant it, Helena. I knew that day. Hell, I knew long before that day, and there’s part of me that wishes I would have just told you then, told you and saved us from all the hell that we went through…”

Helena untwined her hand from Myka’s shoulder to wipe lightly at the bottom of her eye, tears threatening to lay waste to her makeup, “And the other part of you?”

Myka thumbed a tear off of Helena’s cheek, “The other part of me thinks that this, us, it’s happened the way it needed to happen to get us here. That part of me knows that if I had told you then, that doesn’t mean I would have been ready, and, well, I don’t really want to think about the consequences of that.”

Helena cleared her throat, trying to regain some semblance of composure, “So why exactly was your mother bringing that up now?”

“Because she said that the way I was looking at you now, is how I was looking at you that day.”

Helena smirked slightly, “Like you’re in love with me?”

Myka smiled, “Yes, like I am absolutely, head over heels, ridiculously in love with you Swagger.”

Helena pushed up on her toes, pressing soft, pliant lips to Myka’s, “Well, I must say that _that_ feeling is completely and totally mutual my love.”

Myka sighed and placed another kiss to Helena’s mouth, before tightening her hold around her waist, and easing their bodies into the melody of the rest of the song. The music flowed steadily into the next rhythm, a rhythm that Myka recognized instantly, and if the look that Helena gave her as she pulled back in her arms was any indication, a rhythm that Helena recognized instantly as well. Helena’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Myka, isn’t this?”

Myka let out a soft sigh of a chuckle, “It is. Wow, I think I had forgotten you’ve heard this album.” 

Helena’s forehead eased back into a mild look of confusion mixed with contentment. She felt her chest release the tension it had immediately been holding. Myka didn’t seem shocked or concerned or bothered by the very obvious sound of Sam’s voice filtering through the speakers. 

_“I’ve got this friend...I don’t think you know him…he’s not much for words…he’s hidden his heart away…oh I’ve got this friend…a loveless romantic…all that he really wants…is for someone to want him back.”_

Myka watched as concern, confusion, and worry flitted across Helena’s face like a shot. She pressed a kiss to her still creased forehead, “I wrote this about Amanda and Pete, Swagger. It was for their first anniversary. I had never imagined I would see Pete as happy as he was with Amanda, not after everything that had happened, so when I realized just what was happening between them, the words kind of poured out of me. Obviously, it took on special meaning for them.”

Helena smiled deeply, warmly, “We never really talked about it, but this was actually my favorite song on this album.”

Myka couldn’t hide her surprise, “Really?”

Helena chuckled, “Really. It was hopeful. It made it feel like love was possible.”

Myka nodded slowly, “Not much of that on that album…”

“I know darling…”

They lapsed into a slow, even silence, Helena tucking her head against Myka’s shoulder, holding her tightly, quietly appreciating getting to hear Myka’s voice singing. It happened so rarely.

_“Oh I’ve got this friend…I don’t think you know her…she sings a simple song…it sounds a lot like his…oh I’ve got this friend…holding onto her heart…like it’s a little secret…like it’s all she’s got to give…”_

Helena whispered against Myka’s ear, “Are you sure this was only about Amanda, love?”

Helena felt Myka’s laughter drift across her hair, the muscles of Myka’s body shaking her own, “Well, there’s always a modicum of autobiography in what you write I suppose. Though, if I’m being honest I don’t think I’m really holding onto it anymore, I think that might be your job from now on Swagger.”

“A job I’ll gladly accept love.” Helena’s heart swelled as Myka held her impossibly tighter, pressing a kiss to her temple. As the rhythm of Sam’s guitar rose and fell in a light, lilting movement, Helena felt Myka take a small intake of breath, and before Helena knew what was happening, Myka’s voice was filtering into her ear, singing along softly.

_“Oh…if the right one came…if the right one came along…oh oh oh oh oh if the right one came…along…”_

Myka’s eyes strayed over to where Pete and Amanda were holding each other close, dancing slowly. They looked so happy, so content, like the right one _had_ finally come along. She took a deep breath, taking in the heady warmth of vanilla that drifted from Helena’s hair. The air left her lungs on another waft of quiet singing, feeling Helena smiling against her shoulder.

_“Oh…oh if the right one came…if the right one came along…”_

Myka’s voice was still holding out the last few bars when Helena’s whisper cut through it, “They seem really happy don’t they?”

Myka looked down at her to see that her eyes had drifted over to Pete and Amanda as well. Pete was pressing a sloppy kiss to Amanda’s cheek while she laughed, putting up a decent fake front at pushing him away, before pulling him in tightly for a decidedly less sloppy and decidedly more contented, peaceful kiss. Myka sighed, “They really do.”

Another song pulsed into the ballroom, and Helena simply kept holding on to Myka, unwilling to lose this moment that they were in. She allowed herself a moment of pause, eyes closed, feeling the warmth and the tightness of Myka’s arm around her before she spoke again, barely above a whisper, “Do you think about this for us?”

Part of Myka wanted to question, to make sure that she had understood correctly, because to answer in the way that she _thought_ , and have it turn out that that _wasn’t_ what Helena was referencing…the results could be at the best embarrassing and at the worst catastrophic. Yet something pulled within her chest that she _knew_ what Helena was talking about. She turned a light kiss to Helena’s ear, “I do. Maybe more often than I should if I’m being honest about it, but I can’t help it. When it comes to you, to us, my mind goes there of its own accord.”

Helena smiled despite the tug of seriousness that was trying to creep into her mind. She worried she was saying too much, letting too much of herself go, but being here, like this, with Myka, she found she couldn’t help herself, “I want this, for us, eventually.” She felt her words starting to jumble and ramble as her brain flung her headlong into an attempt to make her words seem not so wanting, so forward, “I mean I’m not saying…”

Myka pulled lightly at Helena’s waist, encouraging Helena to move off of her shoulder and look her in the eye. She was met with a gaze from Helena that was at once as fiery as it was uncertain. She dipped her head, kissing Helena with a certain amount of reckless abandon before pulling away, barely, “You’re rambling Swagger, and you don’t need to. I know what you mean, and I’m telling you that I want this too, someday, _eventually_ , down the road, in the future…do you need me to keep going with these phrases? Because I have more.”

Helena rolled her eyes, smirking, “No, I believe you have made your point quite clear.”

Myka pinched at her waist, “Oh come on you know you want to say it, you’re just holding back because you’re trying to be nice.”

Helena groaned, “ _Insufferable_.”

“There it is…” Myka’s lips curved into a smile, even as she tugged Helena forward, moving their lips together with assurance and ease. 

Helena inched away, a tiny, mocking glare in her eye, “If I didn’t love you Myka Bering…”

“Ah but you do, therefore…”

“Therefore I am stuck with you…”

“Yes, you are, and do you know why?”

Myka’s tone made something hot and pulsing uncoil in Helena’s stomach, her own voice dropping to an uncertain timbre, “Why darling?”

Myka moved to whisper right against Helena’s ear, “Because just as _you_ are my right one, I am yours Swagger.”

**

Myka had barely shut the door behind her before Helena was in front of her, pushing, pressing, _moving_ , all the while mumbling near incoherently, “You, out of this dress, now.”

Myka felt throaty laughter bubble across her lips, even as Helena’s lips played across her skin, “Impatient are we? We literally just walked in the door.”

Helena moved away from her neck, eyes boring into hers with a pulsating, _demanding_ desire, “One would say that I have been the _queen of patience_ tonight, since you have been in that dress for hours and I am just now asking you to take it off.”

Myka felt her skin flush and warm at the intensity of Helena’s gaze. She bit back another smart comment, reaching a hand out to curl around Helena’s hip, tugging her closer, “I suppose that is true, therefore, I should reward your undying patience, shouldn’t I?”

Helena’s fingers trailed to the zipper at Myka’s back, “You did promise to make it up to me for not allowing me to stall earlier…”

Myka’s head tipped back against the door as she felt the cool of Helena’s fingertips against her back, “That I did…” She gave her shoulders a small shrug, allowing the material to pool at her feet. She pulled Helena in flush to her body, reveling in the tiny gasp of air Helena released at the contact, “I suppose I should get started on that promise…since it is late, and I do feel like I have _oh so much_ to make up to you…”

The last thing Myka coherently remembered was Helena’s intoxicating laughter as she discarded her own dress somewhere near the hallway, before crooking a finger towards Myka, who could do nothing but follow her with anxious, _impatient_ footsteps towards the bedroom.

**

A warm, dappled glint of sunlight nudged Myka out of sleep. The cascading hints and flashes of light filtering through Helena’s curtains, which kept being edged away from their docile, darkening position by the ceiling fan, pulsated behind Myka’s eyelids, causing her to bury her head deep within her pillows, nose nudged against the nape of Helena’s neck, unwilling to be awakened just yet. However, the light and the curtains and the faint edge of noise drifting in from the outside world had other intentions for her, and so she pulled Helena tighter to her body, letting out a deep sigh, eyes finally opening to fully take in the morning. 

Helena gave a soft groan, her body hesitantly pulling into a small stretch before collapsing back into the sheets, tugging the comforter up high and tight enough to almost cover her eyes. Her words came out a in sleep-drenched, yawn-fighting whisper, “I refuse to accept that it is morning.”

Myka let out a small whiff of laughter, squeezing Helena’s waist, “Then pull that comforter up a little higher and we can pretend that it’s not.”

Helena dramatically flung her arm out from under the covers and threw the comforter completely over both of their heads, flopping over ungracefully to face Myka with a small, “Oof.” She nestled closer to Myka, burying her head underneath Myka’s chin, “Pretending commencing.”

Myka pressed a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, humming softly against it, “Sounds like the perfect plan to me.” Myka held Helena close, reveling in the quiet and the warmth, waiting for her breathing to even back out, waiting to see if Helena would fully give in to the morning avoidance, but when she felt a small, indignant huff of air against her throat, she knew that Helena’s cause was lost. She ran her hand down Helena’s back, “Do you want to hear something that might make the morning and the being awake and the sunlight a little more tolerable?”

“Please,” Helena whimpered.

Myka chuckled softly, “Though it is morning,” she bit back another laugh as Helena let out a pathetic groan at the horrendousness of the word even being spoken. She continued, “Though it is _morning_ , this is the first morning in _weeks_ that we have not been awoken by an alarm, this is the first morning in weeks where neither of us have anywhere to be, at all, all day. So, though it _is_ morning, we _can_ stay here, just like this, fighting off the sunlight, for as long as we want.”

Helena let out a grateful sigh that skated across Myka’s skin, leaving a wave of goosebumps in its wake, “ _That_ is hands down, the best sentence I have ever heard.” Helena bent her knee, letting it push and fall and wedge itself between Myka’s knees, letting her body fully sink into the all-encompassing feel of Myka wrapped entirely around her. She sighed quietly. She had missed this. Lately, their mornings had been the polar opposite of this moment. They had been harried and early and filled with alarms that were only going off for one of them, rather than both, so that one of them was always, inevitably, left in bed to do nothing but fall back asleep and wake up to cold sheets and an empty apartment. Between Myka putting in extra hours at the Warehouse trying to get Leena up to speed and settled and Helena’s entire life turning into a flurry of interviews, recording sessions, and meetings, lately it had felt like those too quick moments in the morning where one of them awoke and pressed a sleepy kiss to the other’s lips before getting ready, was the most time they had gotten together. Their schedules had officially begun to wreak havoc on their routine. Thus, their schedules were what had led to them exchanging keys in the first place. 

**

_Eureka Studios, Colorado Springs, late March, 2011_

“Claudia you have to be kidding me. It’s only a few bars, we can finish it up tomorrow. Hell, it will probably sound _better_ tomorrow when we aren’t all exhausted,” Steve slumped back against the studio’s couch, hands dragging down his face, in a look of utter exhaustion.

“Oh come on Jinxsy, it’s so close and then this will be one more song done.”

“She’s right Steve. I just want to try one more thing, I think _this_ is what will finally make it fall into place.” Despite the late hour, Fargo’s eyes were alight with vigor and excitement. He was a never-ending ball of energy, and when his energy met Claudia’s, there was some debate amongst Helena, Pete, and Steve about just how many city blocks they could feasibly power between the two of them.

Claudia clapped a hand to Fargo’s shoulder, “Listen to the master Jinxsy. We can do this.”

Fargo watched as Steve’s shoulders slumped, they were close to convincing him. He kicked lightly at Steve’s shin, “Give me twenty more minutes and then I swear you all can go home and I _swear_ it will be worth it.”

Steve sighed, “Ugh, fine, but Claud you owe me food after this, I don’t care how late it is, I’m starving.”

Claudia bounded off the edge of the control board, hugging a very unwilling to be hugged Steve, “Oh you got it.”

Helena glanced at her watch. She knew Myka had to go to Denver early the next morning to meet with a group that she was contemplating recommending to Jack and Rebecca. She pulled out her phone with a despairing sigh.

_“Once again…I am stuck in the studio for far longer than I need to be.”_

Across town, Myka closed her book softly, falling back against her pillows with a pathetic sigh as she read Helena’s text.

_“Is that your way of telling me I should go to bed?”_

Helena let out what she hoped was an inaudible groan. It wasn’t that she wasn’t extremely pleased with the amount of progress they had made in the studio. It wasn’t that she wasn’t ecstatic at the amount of promise their album already seemed to have. It wasn’t even that she wasn’t having the time of her life in the process. What it was, was the woeful fact that this was the third night in a row that she knew she would be going home to an empty apartment. What it was, was the gut-wrenching fact that she had only seen Myka once in those three days, and then it had only been for a quick lunch. What it was, was that Helena _missed_ her, and was getting quite tired of that feeling, even after three days.

_“I am so sorry love, but I know how early you have to be up, and once again Claudia and Fargo have latched onto this_ one thing _we have to get right before we finish up for the night.”_

_“Bloody workaholics those two.”_

_“Oh now I know you have to go to bed…you’re using my vocabulary.”_

_“Consequences of missing you I think.”_

Helena squeezed her eyes shut. This was, well, this was insufferable. 

_“I miss you too love. I am sorry…”_

_“Hey…I did this to you earlier this week with those damn shows in Denver. We’re just in a bit of a crazy stretch. It’s ok Swagger. Go get your kickass, badass rock star on, and I WILL see you tomorrow.”_

_“Promise?”_

Helena groaned at her own seemingly pathetic level of woe, which she knew would cause Myka to tease her.

_“Oh Swagger…you are adorable and I love you…and yes…I promise.”_

_“Good. I love you too Sleepy. Drive safe tomorrow morning.”_

_“Will do. Good luck with the one last thing…”_

“Yo! H.G. we are in need of that fabulous voice of yours.” 

Claudia’s voice shook Helena out of her focus on her phone, on Myka. She sighed and tucked it back into her pocket, “Righty-ho then. Let’s do this.”

Helena sang with passion and fire and joy, words that she had written for Myka. She let the feeling of the four of them together in the studio, doing this incredible thing fill her. Myka always told her these were the moments to remember and to cherish, so she let her mind fill and flood with the goofy, but focused smile Pete had on his face, the intensity of Claudia’s fingers on her guitar strings, the loose relaxed ease of Steve who didn’t, in fact, seem all that tired. She loved them. She loved this. However, she also knew that because she loved Myka, she had an errand to run first thing in the morning.

**

“See, I told you that I would see you tonight,” Myka smiled as she handed Helena her tea and sank onto the couch next to her at the back of The Sidecar. 

Helena leaned into the arm Myka had quickly draped over her shoulder, and pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “And I am desperately grateful that you kept that promise love.” She took a small sip of her tea, then looked at Myka with a bashful, uncertain smile, “I miss the hot chocolate.”

Myka let out a full, warm burst of laughter, “Oh Lord, it’s finally starting to _hint_ at getting warm. _Do not_ tell me that you are praying for a blizzard Swagger.”

Helena chuckled, “Well, no, but I must say a blizzard _would_ mean hot chocolate _and_ it would mean neither of us would have to work which would release us from this god-awful scheduling hell we’ve been in this week.”

Myka sighed and pressed a kiss to Helena’s temple, “That is true. Maybe snow would be preferable.”

Helena looked at her with an arched eyebrow, “I _actually_ think I might have a better solution. One that keeps us free from the freezing cold _and_ might help the scheduling situation a little bit.”

“You’ve finally lived up to your namesake and have perfected time travel so we can simply just go back in time and relive the hours we spent working, but instead spend them together.”

Helena chuckled and shook her head, “I may be brilliant, but I am not quite _that_ brilliant. No, rather,” she reached down to retrieve a box from her purse, “here.”

Myka looked at her quizzically, uncurling her arm from Helena’s shoulders to grasp the box, “What is this?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Just open it.”

Myka cracked open the box slowly, only to find two shiny, freshly made keys inside. She smirked at Helena, “Keys, huh? And what exactly do these open?”

“Oh I figured that would be part of the fun. They unlock some door in the city and I figured we could spend all of our free time together searching for it.” She rolled her eyes, “It’s a key to my apartment love.”

“Ya know I kind of figured that one out,” Myka winked.

Helena rolled her eyes again and pushed a hand through her hair. She turned her body to nestle into the corner of the couch, hand stealing into Myka’s lap to toy with her fingers, “I’m just…I’m really tired of having days where I don’t see you. I’m tired of telling you that you’re going to bed alone. _I’m_ tired of going to bed alone. I just figured this way, even if one of us is getting back late, we could still be together, we could still at least see each other in the morning before one of us has to dart out to the next place we have to be.”

Myka leaned across the couch and left a lingering kiss against Helena’s lips, “Can I tell you something?” Helena simply let her forehead crease in questioning, encouraging Myka to continue. Myka toyed with the keys in the box, “I have one of these sitting in my apartment for you too. I got it made earlier this week after I got home so insanely late from Boulder the other night, I just hadn’t gotten a chance to give it to you yet. You kind of beat me to the punch their Swagger.”

Helena bit down coyly on her bottom lip, “I apologize for stealing your thunder darling.”

Myka chuckled, “I’m pretty sure it’s ok. You’re right though. I don’t want to keep having weeks like this. Weeks where I’m not sure if I’m going to see you that day. This way, at least I’ll know at the start and at the end of the day, you’ll be there.”

Helena sighed, “Us and our rock star lifestyles, huh?”

Myka pressed another light kiss to Helena’s lips, “I hate to break it to ya Swagger, but exchanging keys with your girlfriend isn’t exactly living up to the rock star lifestyle. You’re supposed to be all badass and lone wolf.”

Helena shook her head in mock despair, “Whatever shall I do then?”

Myka grinned, “Oh I’m sure you’ve got enough swagger in that body of yours to make up for this one small lapse in your rock star quota.”

“Oh I’m sure I do.” Helena squeezed Myka’s hand tightly, giving her a sidelong glance, “So…when do I get _my_ key?”

Myka smirked and stood up from the couch, pulling Helena up with her, kissing her deeply, “Come home with me and I’ll see what I can do about that.”

**

_Helena’s apartment, Colorado Springs, mid-April, 2011_

Helena’s mind drifted back from the memories of the last few weeks, fighting off the temptation to give in to the frustration and the worry that had started to become her ever-present companions as she and Myka’s schedules spun further and further out of control. She refused to waste such a rare morning by allowing her mind to fall down that sinkhole. She wrapped an arm tightly around Myka’s waist, pulling her closer, whispering against the base of her throat, “I’ve missed this.”

Myka hummed softly, letting her fingers continue to trail and trace down Helena’s back, “Me too.”

“So,” Helena pulled slightly out of Myka’s arms to look directly at her, though still keeping the comforter tucked tightly around them, keeping out the sunlight, “whatever are to do with ourselves for an entire day?”

Myka sighed with seeming exasperation, “I have _no_ idea. We both may simply go mad from the lack of schedules, phone calls, and appointments.”

“And discover we are, in fact, doomed to forever be running around like crazy women the rest of our lives.”

“Well then, if madness is inevitably coming for us,” Myka tucked her arm under Helena’s waist tighter, wrapping around her hips to encourage her to move and turn onto her back. Myka followed Helena’s body, settling lightly against her, “I have a few things I’d like to do before I am completely crazy and no longer useful.”

Helena chuckled and sighed against Myka’s lips moving against her neck, “See? _This_ is precisely why we need more free mornings.”

“Oh I completely agree, Swagger.”

**

Eventually, the comforter found its way back from being thrown over their heads and eventually they both admitted that they should _probably_ , actually get out of bed at some point. Helena glanced over at her phone, checking the time, before rolling back against Myka’s side, “It is _technically_ still morning, though not for much longer, therefore, how about I go make us breakfast?”

Myka pressed a kiss to her forehead, “That sounds perfect.”

“Pancakes or omelets?”

“Oh, tough call…omelets.”

“Sounds good to me. Now,” Helena propped herself up on her elbow to look down at Myka with an incredulous glare, “are you actually going to pull yourself out of this bed as well, or are you staying here to let me go woefully slave away in the kitchen for you?”

“Hey, you offered on the breakfast, that’s not my fault,” Myka winked. She arched her back in a light stretch, feeling her muscles twitch and pull in just the right places to make her smirk as to _why_ they were pulling, and then looked back at Helena, “ _Actually_ , I was going to go get a shower, unless you _would_ like help.”

“I have learned well enough by now that both of us in the kitchen at the same time usually results in one too many close encounters with near impaling, therefore,” she pressed a light kiss to Myka’s smirk, “you go shower, and I’ll get breakfast ready.”

**

As Myka pulled her extra hairbrush out of the bathroom drawer, beginning her woeful attempt to get her now very wet and very much returned curls into some kind of order, her eyes drifted around to just how much of her stuff had ended up in Helena’s apartment. After one too many mornings of having to rush out in order to get home with enough time to get ready, Helena had eventually one morning shoved a small travel bag into her hands, demanding that she go home and fill it with an extra set of items to bring over so that they could stop doing this kind of morning shuffle.

She gave out an exasperated huff, as she tugged on her hair. Though it was said in mild flirtatious jest, there was a bit too much truth for her liking in what she had said this morning to Helena about how long it had been since they’d had a calm morning together. She had known it was inevitable, the chaos of their schedules was bound to make their lives hectic and slightly inconvenient for maintaining any kind of normal relationship rhythm. However, _knowing_ that fact and _experiencing_ it were two different realities, and the experience was a reality that was quickly exhausting her. For not the first time in the last couple of weeks, Myka’s mind filtered to what their lives would be like if there simply wasn’t a need for either of them to go home in the morning to get ready, if they were simply already _home_ together. She wondered about how nice it would be to not have to worry about whether one of them had everything they needed in order to stay the night. She thought about what it would feel like to simply know that when she was going home, she was always going home to Helena, to a place that was theirs. She shook her head quickly, it was still too soon. She didn’t even know if Helena was ready for that yet, let alone if _she_ herself was ready for that. Yet, she found that more and more, it was simply where her mind went when she woke up and had to leave a bed that wasn’t truly _theirs_ and go back to an apartment that didn’t truly feel like _home_ anymore.

She ran her fingers through her hair, tugging a small layer of gel through it, before slipping into the most comfortable set of clothes she had at Helena’s apartment and eventually making her way out to the kitchen, where the smell alone was enough to make her stomach start to grumble. She leaned up against the kitchen doorway, watching, admiring the ease with which Helena moved around the kitchen, making sure everything was ready. Once again, her mind tugged, this is how it could _always_ be, or at least this is how it could be _more often_ , if they just lived together. She rolled her eyes at herself, this was too much thinking for her day off. She pushed herself off the wall, padding up behind Helena, slipping loose hands around her waist, “Need any help?”

Helena jumped slightly, and then relaxed, “See? That is how I almost impale you. You catch me off-guard in the middle of the kitchen, and bam, one day, it’s going to get you Myka Bering.”

Myka leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “Is this the part where you call me a bloody menace?”

Helena’s head slumped forward in defeated laughter, “ _Yes_ , it is.” She spun in Myka’s arms, bringing her own up to wrap around Myka’s neck. Her eyes immediately settled on the still wet curls clinging to Myka’s shirt. She tugged on one lightly, “There’s my Myka. I see your three hour effort is no match for a shower.”

Myka smiled softly, “No. These things tend to have a mind of their own. They don’t like being tamed.” Myka paused, feeling her forehead crinkle, “Wait…why did that just sound like you telling me that you hated my hair last night?”

Helena bit the corner of her lip, “Darling, I believe my actions last night should serve as ample evidence that that _was not_ the case. _However_ , I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss your curls.”

Myka smirked, “Well, I _suppose_ I can accept that.”

**

After they had eaten and after Helena had showered, she wandered back into the living room to find Myka curled into a corner of the couch, fresh cup of coffee in her hand, book balanced in her lap, glasses nestled adorably against her nose. She lowered herself onto the couch next to Myka’s knees, lightly lifting up the book to see what Myka was reading. She rolled her eyes, “I swear I have no idea how in the midst of everything else you still manage to go through at least a book a week.”

Myka chuckled, “What can I say? I am immensely talented.”

“Of that I am well aware darling.” Helena perched her chin against Myka’s knee, “So, an entire day to ourselves, whatever shall we do with it?”

Myka gave her an unreadable look, one that seemed filled with an uncertainty that Helena couldn’t quite place. Myka ran a hand through her hair, sighing, “Would it be terrible if I said I just want to stay here? I mean I know we should probably take the day to our advantage, go out and do something, but things have just been so crazy lately, I kind of feel like pausing. I want to pretend like the world isn’t spinning, and it’s just frozen here, with you and me, doing absolutely nothing, and doing it together.”

Helena had to blink to bring herself back to focus, lost in a haze of Myka’s tone, her words, her wistfulness for everything to just stop. She brought a hand up to link with Myka’s, “Love, if there ever comes a day when I indicate that a plan like that one is terrible, I give you full permission to tell me I’ve lost my mind.”

Myka smirked, “I’d be careful giving me that authority Swagger, you never know when it might come back to bite you.”

Helena turned her head to press a kiss to the inside of Myka’s knee, “I’ll take my chances.”

Myka reached out and ran a hand through Helena’s hair, “I hate that we haven’t had this lately…”

Helena felt her voice catch in her throat. Her thoughts from earlier in the morning careening back to the forefront of her mind, swirling in a maze of concern that things were already getting away from the two of them, that if they couldn’t handle things when life was _barely_ out of control, what were they going to do when everything really _started_? She sighed, she didn’t want to have this conversation now, not when they had an entire day to themselves. The last thing she wanted to do was spend the day wallowing, it would seem like a horrendous waste of the day. She shook her head slowly, “I know love. I do too, but…we _do_ have this today, so I would much prefer to not waste it with worry. I’d much prefer to spend it doing the absolutely nothing you have requested.” Myka smiled softly, but Helena could see it didn’t quite reach her eyes. They weren’t going to be able to avoid this conversation forever. 

Myka tucked a strand of hair behind Helena’s ear, “Well then, the absolutely nothing commencing. What do you think? Movie? A nap already? Spontaneous dance party?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Well, let’s save _som_ e things for later darling. No, you keep reading. I’m going to go make a cup of tea, and then I owe my grandmother a letter.”

“Oh you Brits and your old-fashioned ways.”

“Old-fashioned or not, I sent her an e-mail once, and the consequences were such that I never want to experience again.”

Myka chuckled, “Well, we can’t have that then can we? Go get your tea. I’ll be here.”

**

Myka pulled Helena’s feet into her lap, rubbing them lightly. She smiled at the soft moan of contentment that left Helena’s throat at the movement. Myka ran a feather-light touch up one of her toes, causing Helena to jerk and pull away quickly with a shout of, “Don’t you dare.” 

Myka pretended to cower under her glare, but pulled her foot back, “I’m teasing. Bring ‘em here.” 

Helena reluctantly moved her feet back into Myka’s lap, “I am not above kicking you and making it look like an accident.”

“I’ll take that under advisement. So, I think we have done a _spectacular_ job at all the nothingness today. What do you say we round it out by ordering dinner in and putting on a movie?”

Helena reclined her head against the arm of the couch, trying not to let the movement of Myka’s fingers lull her into sleep, “That sounds lovely darling.”

Myka reached for her phone, “Thai?” She bit back a laugh as Helena just closed her eyes and nodded, “You fall asleep on me over there and I will never rub your feet again.”

“I’ll risk it.”

Myka pinched one of Helena’s toes, before pushing her feet off her lap, “I’m going to order. Pick out a movie.”

**

Helena pulled at Myka’s shoulders, encouraging her to lean back into her arms. She pressed a kiss to her temple, whispering, “No sleeping. We still have a good hour of this movie left.”

Myka settled against Helena’s chest contentedly, “You say that as though I’ve fallen asleep during a movie before, geez, have a little faith in me woman.”

Helena just rolled her eyes, mumbling against Myka’s hair, “Insufferable.”

Myka pulled Helena’s arms tighter around her waist. Her eyes focused on the movie, but her brain was drifting, drifting to how perfect today had been. All day she kept having flashbacks to the blizzard, to their _first_ day like this, when things were just starting, and she couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed and a little amazed at how far they’d come. Try as she might, she couldn’t stop her mind from _planning_. She couldn’t tell if it was the lingering aftereffects of Pete and Amanda’s engagement or the contentedness of the day, how simple it felt to just be _home_ together, or possibly a combination of both, but her brain was formulating, plotting out the steps and the process for how they might be able to make _this feeling_ linger, and not only linger but become permanent. She knew it would be complicated. She knew there would be a world of things to figure out, but in this moment, with Helena’s arms wrapped tightly around her, with her things strewn all around the apartment, she knew all she wanted to do was _figure those things out_. And soon.

**

As they settled into bed that night, Myka rolled onto her side, tracing a finger down Helena’s bicep, trying to pull her out of her attention to her book. Myka knew she needed to ask the inevitable question, but she also knew that it would break some of the peaceful solace they’d obtained that day. She sighed, might as well just do it, “So, Swagger, what’s your schedule look like this week?”

Myka inwardly cringed as she watched Helena’s eyes close, watched her take in a deep breath, watched her hand almost imperceptibly clench and unclench around the edge of her book. She knew Helena would think she was being subtle, and so Myka didn’t say a word about any of it, just waited for an answer. Helena tucked her bookmark into her page, “We have a dinner tomorrow night at Artifact. Kelly was a bit hazy on details. It seems to be some sort of investors thing, gives them a chance to meet new artists or something.”

“Ah yes, the schmoozing portion of your record deal, _fun_.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Indeed. I just pray that Peter is on his best behavior.”

“Good luck with that. There’s always a ton of food at those things, you guys won’t stand a chance keeping him under control.”

“Ugh, a lovely way to start the week. Then we’re in the studio Tuesday through Thursday.”

“Are you working this week?”

“Tuesday and Wednesday nights, then Friday afternoon.” Helena sighed, another week, another schedule that afforded very little time with Myka, “What about you?”

“Fairly standard week in terms of the Warehouse, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I promised Leena we could come in early on Wednesday to go over some of the financials. She had some questions.”

“And the studio?”

“I’m there Tuesday and Thursday, _and_ I have shows in Denver those nights too. I’ll be at the Regents Wednesday though.”

Helena tried to bite back her sigh, but couldn’t quite manage it, “At least _some_ things haven’t quite changed.”

Myka sank dejectedly into her pillow, “Indeed. We’re good for lunch on Thursday though, right? With my mom?”

“Absolutely darling. I don’t have to be at the studio until two, so I have plenty of time.”

“Well then, at least we are guaranteed Wednesday night and Thursday afternoon.”

Helena pinched the bridge of her nose, suddenly having to fight against pressure behind her eyes, “That’s true love.”

“Helena…” Myka’s wasn’t sure if her tone sounded comforting, exasperated, or bordering on distraught.

Helena held up a quick hand, stilling any other word Myka might say, “No, Myka, we don’t have to talk about this. We have had a perfectly lovely day together, I don’t really feel like destroying the comfort of that with this conversation.”

Myka pressed a kiss to Helena’s bicep, before attempting to school her tone, “I know…however, I don’t really feel like going to bed with this… _thing_ hanging over us that we just keep refusing to talk about.” Helena remained silent, head leaned back against the headboard. The only sign she gave that she was still fully involved in the conversation was reaching her hand over to link with Myka’s where her hand had been resting against her own hip. Myka gave her hand a squeeze, “Swagger…we need to talk about this.”

Helena grimaced at the feeling of a tear chasing down her cheek, “Why? Because it’s only going to get worse? Because I hate feeling like our entire relationship has to be scheduled? Because our lives are starting to spin out of control and somehow talking about it will fix that?”

“Hey, hey, Helena, come here,” Myka sat up straighter, pulling Helena into her arms, cradling her against her chest as her tears fell faster, running slow fingers through her hair, trying to ease calm into her body. She whispered her words against the top of Helena’s head, “I know…I know that things have been rough. I have missed you so much the last couple of weeks, and being here today has only made that fact even more evident to me, but I _do_ believe that we can handle this. That we can make it work. All of this, our schedules, me working, you recording, it’s still so new. It’s just going to take us a little bit to figure it out, to figure out what works best for us.”

Helena pulled herself out of Myka’s arms to sit up straight, to look Myka in the eye, despite the tears that were streaming down her face. There was a pang in her stomach as she saw the look of dejection and fear on Myka’s face, despite her confident words. She ran a strangled hand through her hair and then moved it to link once again with Myka’s, finding strength in the grip Myka ardently returned, “I just feel like everything is so out of control. I hate that I feel like I’ve barely seen you. All of these late nights…if it isn’t you, it’s me, and I just feel like we’re never on the same page. _Do not_ get me wrong, I love that at least now I know no matter which apartment I’m going home to, I know that you’ll be there, but God, I am getting so tired of one of us already being asleep when the other gets home. I hate that our mornings are so hectic. I _hate_ that I feel like this is just what life is going to be like, that this is what _our life_ is going to be like.”

Myka opened her mouth to say something, _anything_ to try and ease some of the panic that was rising in Helena’s tone, but before she could get one word out, Helena was rushing on, “And the thing is…I hate that I love what is keeping us apart. I love recording and I love the band and I love what we’re doing. _And_ I love that you’re working. Myka, you have seemed so happy lately, now that you’re back at the studio, and I love that. I love that you’re working with Leena, and I love that you’re writing, and I love that you are finding your passion and just chasing after it with reckless abandon. _But_ I also love _you_ , I love _us_ , and I’m worried that someday we’re not going to know how to _be us_ , in the midst of all these other things we love.”

Myka took a deep breath, not giving one bit of thought to fighting off the tears that were now tracing down her own cheeks. She reached out with her free hand and laid it against Helena’s cheek, “Helena…I wish…I wish I could tell you that it is going to get better. I wish that I could say that the lives that we’re leading, the lives that, you’re right, we _do_ love, are the kinds of lives that make relationships easy, but I can’t. I wish that I could say that I’m sure your schedule is going to slow down. I wish I could say that my travelling is going to stop. You have no idea how much I wish I could give those things to you.”

“Love…if this is meant to be comforting…”

Myka rolled her eyes and squeezed Helena’s hand a little tighter, “Just let me finish, ok? I can’t give you those things, Swagger, but what I _can_ give you is this. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not letting this go anywhere, because yes, while my job, well _jobs_ I guess now, do make me happy, they don’t even come close to the happiness I have when I’m right here, with you, whether that’s for five minutes in the morning or for entire days. This is my happiest place, and I’ll be damned if I let some little thing like being _busy_ get in the way of that. There are very few promises I can give you right now, but I can give you this one. I promise you that we will make the absolute most of all the seconds, minutes, and hours that we have together. We will make them count. Do I wish that all of my minutes were spent with you? Hell freakin’ yes, I do.” Myka appreciated that that at least earned a bit of a smirk and a puff of laughter from Helena, “But just because I can’t have all those minutes all the time, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop fighting for them, and taking every single one of them that I can get, and making them last and making them mean something. And you don’t have to hate the fact that the things we’re doing while we’re apart make us happy, because they also make us who we are Swagger. You, the crazy hot, rock star, lead singer _is_ the woman I fell in love with. The woman whose voice, once I heard it, made me realize it was going to change the world is who I fell in love with. I want you to appreciate every single moment of this ride you guys are on Helena. I want you to love every second you are in the studio or writing or talking to some insane journalist. I don’t want you feeling guilty because you’re worried that this life is taking away from our time together. _This_ is the life I want for you, this is the life I want for us. I know it’s insane and I know it’s hectic, but it’s who we are, and we _can_ make that work.”

“I don’t know how you can sound so sure…”

“I’m sure because I love you.”

“And it’s just as simple as that is it?”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, Helena’s tone was still so wavering, still so uncertain, “No, maybe it’s not, but that’s the best truth I can give you right now, because you need to know that while, sure, yes, none of the other stuff in our lives is going to change, neither is the fact that I love you, that I’m here, that you and I and that future we love to talk so much about is still all I’m focusing on.” Something uncertain, hesitant flickered behind Helena’s eyes. Myka leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead, “Please tell me what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours.”

“Do you worry about what will happen when we go on tour?”

Myka felt her heart sink a little bit further in her chest. _This_ certainly wasn’t the turn she was expecting. She bit down on her bottom lip, considering and opting for the truth, “Of course I do. Helena, just because I sound so sure and so confident, doesn’t mean that I’m not worrying about all of this too. All those hating that you love it feelings? Been there, a lot this week. I was sitting at a show on Monday night last week and I was so engrossed and then suddenly it just hit me that you would probably be in bed when I got home, and it almost killed me, because then I felt guilty for being out and enjoying work. I totally understand that spiral. And, as for when you guys go on tour…if I’m being perfectly honest? I think I’m mostly just not letting my head go there yet, and maybe that’s a mistake, but I also know it’s at least a year away and that when the time comes that’s when we’ll deal with it.”

Suddenly, Helena’s eyebrows raised in question, “Wait a second? Monday night? Is that why you kept sending me all those texts? You kept saying you knew I was probably going to bed and yet you kept sending them…”

Myka smirked, “I may have possibly been trying to keep you up…”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Insufferable woman.”

“Yeah but it was for a good cause. You _did_ seem pretty happy to see me when I got home that night.”

Helena chuckled, “That is true.” They sat in silence, for how long, neither of them could say, with Myka’s thumb stroking lightly against Helena’s knuckles. 

Myka was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice Helena adjusting to move towards her, until Helena’s lips were pressing softly against her own. When she pulled away, Myka looked at her in question, “What was that for?”

Helena smiled softly, “Just realizing that you have told me you loved me about ten times this evening and I haven’t said it back, I figured I owed you at least one good kiss for that.”

Myka blushed, “Sounds like a good reason to me.”

“Myka there are days where I think there aren’t enough words in this world to explain to you the love that I have for you. The ways that you have sunk into my life, changing it so irrevocably that I can’t believe I’ve lived without you for so long. I’m sorry if my worry has made you question that, or made you question that I’m in this too, that I’m ready to grasp all those minutes and hours for all that they’re worth. I don’t want you to doubt that.”

“Swagger, never for one second tonight have I doubted that. We’re going to have these moments, and the next time it could just as easily be me that is totally freaking out and losing my mind about this. We just have to make sure that we keep talking, which I know, sounds absolutely insane coming from me, the queen of _not_ talking, but I mean it. As long as we don’t let ourselves go through all this alone, we’re going to be ok. We just have to do this together.”

“I told you before Myka Bering, you have a hopeful soul.”

“Which is due in large part to you…”

“Well…I do what I can.” Helena hesitated slightly, eyes falling away from Myka’s, “You really think we’re going to be ok?”

Myka tucked her fingers underneath Helena’s chin, encouraging her to look back up, “I do, because I know that at the end of the day, as long as I know you are the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning then at least on some level, as crazy as it is, my life is in the right place.”

“Well then, lucky for you, because I have no intention of that ever not being the case.”

“Absolutely lucky for me then.”

Finally, a genuine, _almost_ hopeful smile crossed Helena’s lips, “I love you.”

Myka pulled her down for a slow kiss, whispering against her lips, “I love you too.”

**

Kelly flipped through the calendar on her phone, sighing, “God, I almost hate how busy I’m making all of you right now.”

“Hey, busy is good, right? Means we’re getting out there with publicity and stuff.” 

Kelly smiled tightly, “It does Pete, and trust me at the end of the next two weeks if there is anyone within the tri-state area that doesn’t know who you four are, I may just quit my job.”

“What exactly do you have planned for us Kelly?” Helena hated that there was a hint of trepidation in her tone. She didn’t want the other three seeing what a toll this was already starting to take, nor did she want them to think that she was backing out. _That_ wasn’t something she wanted them ever entertaining, it just wasn’t even fathomable.

“Well,” Kelly scrolled through her screen again. “You’re mostly in the studio this week, which is good. I did schedule you a couple of radio interviews though around town. A couple of stations have been giving you guys some pretty heavy play and they’re interested in helping get your name out there. That’s going to be Wednesday and Thursday mornings. Pete, set an alarm.” She ignored the groan that Pete let out and continued, “Next week looks about the same, but then…well then things get a bit crazy. The week of the first I have two shows booked in Sante Fe, which will be Friday and Saturday, and I _kno_ w it’s last minute, but the arrangements took some maneuvering, so I didn’t have all the details finalized. Plus, you have interviews lined up in Denver, plus a couple of gigs up there that week, which you already knew. So, yeah, give it a couple of weeks and then everything is a bit crazy.”

Claudia whistled, “Yeah, but this is big right? We’re branching out. That’s what we need.”

A secretive smirk stole across Kelly’s face, “Pretty soon, you won’t really _need_ it, it’s just going to happen. I’ve been waiting to show you guys this…” She pulled a magazine out of her desk drawer.

Claudia’s eyes lit up, “That’s _Billboard_! Kelly tell me you are holding a _Billboard_ magazine and that there is a very good reason for doing so.”

“Oh there’s a good reason alright. Check out the flagged page,” she tossed the magazine across the desk to Claudia who caught it with shaking fingers.

They all huddled around Claudia’s chair as she flipped frantically to the page Kelly had earmarked. They all stared at it for a solid ten seconds, before Claudia looked up at her with wide eyes, “This isn’t a joke?”

Kelly chuckled, “No joke.”

“Holy shit…” Steve’s voice was awed.

“We released it like a month ago, and I thought we only released it around here,” Helena couldn’t grasp how this was happening.

“You did on both of those counts, _however_ , word got around and well…good music travels fast in this business. That’s your single in the top ten you guys, and it’s still climbing. We’ve barely hit the east coast with it. Just wait until that happens.”

“I can’t believe this,” Helena sank back into her chair, her head spinning, a giddy smile on her face.

“Believe it H.G. All of you need to believe it. This is happening. Pretty soon, you’re going to be unstoppable.”

After the shock wore off and there was the expected shouts of laughter and excitement, Kelly glanced at the clock, “I feel the need to point out that you need to be at the studio in like 45 minutes. Which means I probably need to let you guys go.” They all started to collect their things, making an exuberant parade towards the door. Before they could fully exit however, Kelly was calling out to them, “Oh umm Steve, H.G.? Could you guys hang back a second?”

They exchanged confused looks, but told Pete and Claudia they’d meet them at the studio, and retraced their steps back into Kelly’s office. The celebratory mood seemed to have fled the office with Pete and Claudia, and Helena felt a distinct sense of trepidation looking at Kelly, who seemed suddenly nervous. Kelly settled herself further behind her desk, giving them a long, concentrated look, “I need to talk to you both about something.”

“That doesn’t exactly sound good.” Helena was glad Steve’s voice sounded as concerned as she felt.

Kelly slid her bottom lip through her teeth, “It’s not that it’s not _good_. It’s really neither good nor bad, it’s just _something_. Something I probably should have talked with you two about before, but now…well now I don’t really have a choice.”

“Kelly, the cryptic sense of foreboding is not exactly helping Steven and I here. Just tell us what’s going on.”

Kelly sighed, “Look, up to this point the interviews you guys have been doing, they’ve been small. They’ve been more general interest, just getting your names out there. This week though, now that you guys have hit _Billboard_ , people can sense there’s some momentum here.”

Steve interjected, “And that has what to do with me and H.G.?”

Kelly pinched the bridge of her nose. Helena sighed, “Oh Kelly, whatever it is, just say it.”

Kelly rolled her eyes, “They’re going to ask about Liam and Myka. It’s inevitable. At least the stations around town, because at this point the four of you, you’re known quantities. People know you’re with who you’re with, and since both of them _also_ have industry ties people are going to be curious. It’s like a goddamn journalistic _dream_ , the two of you in love with other artists from competing labels. They’re going to want to know what you’re lives are like. I can do my best to ward off some of those questions, but I want you both to be prepared that they’re coming.”

Steve gave Helena a sidelong look, “So how exactly do we handle that?”

Kelly shrugged, “I leave that to both of you to decide. Talk with Liam, talk with Myka. Figure out how you want to move forward. It is perfectly within your rights to say no comment and move on. However, if you want to talk about it, that’s good too. It’s really whatever you’re all comfortable with. I just didn’t want you guys getting caught unawares.”

Helena’s mind was immediately racing. This wasn’t something she was anticipating, though she realized she _should_ have been. Of course people would want to know, but Jesus, how was Myka going to take this? She ran a hand down her face, “What are they going to ask?”

Kelly gave her an incredulous look, “Good Lord, if I could read an interviewer’s mind, I’d be a millionaire H.G. It’s hard to tell, but they’ll probably want to know how you handle your relationship and ‘the spotlight’ or whatever. They’ll want to know how you met. They’ll want to know if you sing together at home, shit like that. However…”

A tightness twisted in Helena’s stomach, “However?”

“However, I’m just going to say it. This is going to be harder for you and Myka, H.G. People know Myka’s story. You’re going to need to be prepared that someone at some point is going to ask the inappropriate question. They’re going to ask about Sam or about how Myka is handling being in a relationship with another musician. Someone _will_ push that point, and fuck them for doing it, but they will nonetheless. You have to be ready for that.”

“I’m guessing telling them to bugger off and mind their own business won’t really help us much?”

Kelly chuckled, “Ya never know, it might, but as your manager, I’d probably advise against it. I hate that I even have to have this conversation with you guys, but this is the reality. People like to spin a story to make it fit whatever will sell best, and unfortunately H.G., you and Myka are the kind of story people latch onto and they’ll be hard pressed to let it go. They’ll want details. More details than you could ever anticipate, and you have to decide how to deal with that.”

Steve ran a hand over his head, “Any advice on that front?”

Kelly held up her hands, “My only advice is to talk to them and decide. I’m not going to tell you to not answer any questions about it, and I’m not going to tell you to just give them everything. You both have to figure out what is best for your relationships and how you want to move forward. It’s not my place to tell you what to do there. It’s my place to make sure you both are protected and safe and prepared for whatever might be coming.”

Helena’s hands were clenching against her knees, she just wanted to get out of this office and out into the fresh air. She felt like her lungs were compressing and threatening to explode at the same time. She looked at her watch, “Thank you Kelly, truly, but we _should_ probably get going if we don’t want to be late.”

“Absolutely, and I _am_ sorry. I’m sorry that you have to worry about this. I’m sorry that I had to be the one to dampen the mood a bit.”

Steve gave her a soft smile, “Nothing to apologize for. I’m glad you gave us the heads up.”

“I agree with Steven. No apologies necessary Kelly.”

Kelly gave them a tight smile, “Good luck at the studio today.”

They both offered their thanks and headed out of the office. Steve looked over at Helena, whose face was tightened and clenched. He could see the thoughts churning behind her eyes, he could _feel_ the anxiety emanating off of her. He slung an arm around her shoulders, “It’ll be ok…”

Helena rolled her eyes with a scoff, but didn’t pull away from Steve’s hold, “I’m not so sure about that. Steve, you know Myka, this…”

“ _This_ isn’t going to change anything, because you’re right, I _do_ know Myka, and I know how much she loves you. You’ll figure out a way to deal with this.”

“I just never thought about how much _this_ being my life was going to impact her. I hate that it will. I hate that I feel like I’m dragging her back into something that she’s tried so hard to stay out of.”

“You’re not dragging her into anything, H.G. Kelly said, it’s totally within your rights to tell people that you and Myka are off limits, and we would all back you on that. Just talk to her, figure out a game plan, and I _promise_ it will be ok.”

“Will you sound so confident when you’re talking to Liam about this?”

Steve blushed, “Honestly? We’ve already had this talk. I mean we had to. He’s been out there doing this circuit already and people _have_ asked. So we had to figure out how to handle it.”

“And what did you come up with?”

“We agreed to not go into too much detail, but to be very open that we are together and that we support each other. Nothing too crazy. The first time he got asked about it, he threw in a story about how we sing together in the car. The interviewer thought it was adorable and then let it go. It was like she had gotten what she needed.”

“Somehow, I have a feeling people are going to want to know a bit more than whether or not Myka and I sing together.”

Steve sighed, “That’s probably true. But still, _you_ set the boundaries H.G. and screw anyone who tries to push you guys. Jesus, Pete will probably punch anyone who tries to get more information on Myka than he thinks they should.”

That at least earned a laugh from Helena, “You’re probably right on that front. Maybe I should just _hope_ he does, and save myself from having to answer any questions.”

“You can always hope…”

**

Helena groaned as she started her car. The clock glaring at her in bright, neon green, 12:45. She had never anticipated an investors’ dinner going past midnight, yet here she was, getting into her car at quarter to one in the morning with a half hour drive ahead of her. She debated just going home. She knew Myka would be asleep if she went over to her place, and she didn’t want to disturb her, yet the conversation with Kelly from earlier was still echoing in her mind, and she knew she wanted, _needed_ , nothing more than to be next to Myka tonight. 

She drove towards The Warehouse, letting the stars shine overhead and the sound of her radio filter through her brain, bringing her some semblance of peace. She knew they were going to need to talk. She knew that wouldn’t happen tonight, but it needed to happen soon. Yet, she also knew that something like this? Something like this screamed of something that would make Myka’s instinct to run kick in, and that terrified Helena more than she could adequately describe. 

She let herself in at the back door, dropping her things as silently as possible onto the couch. She tiptoed into Myka’s room where she was, as expected, sound asleep curled up on her side of the bed. Helena smiled as she noticed that Myka had left the lamp on the dresser on, and that there was a post-it attached to it with Myka’s lilting scrawl across it, “Didn’t want you to stub any toes when you got home.” A lightness filled her as the reality of the fact that Myka had not only _expected_ her to come here, no matter the hour, but that she _wanted_ her to do so, sank in. She slipped out of her dress, and tugged on a stray pair of pajamas before shutting off the lamp and sliding into bed next to Myka. 

She had barely settled against her pillows, when she felt a dip in the bed, and Myka’s arm stealing around her waist, breath chasing across the back of her neck, “Welcome home.” Myka’s voice was thick and heavy with sleep, and Helena wondered if she would even remember this moment when she woke up.

She smiled deeply and slid her fingers into Myka’s, “Thank you my love. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“ ‘S ok. You know at this point, I don’t really sleep all that well if you’re not here anyway, so this is much better.”

Helena sighed contentedly and brought their entwined hands up to kiss the back of Myka’s hand, whispering, “Good night darling.” The only response she got was the soft echo of a light snore. She chuckled, no, Myka would definitely not remember any of this, but she didn’t care. She was _home_ , and that was all that mattered.

**

“Hello darling. How was the show?” 

The mere sound of Helena’s voice was enough to make Myka’s whole body relax. She leaned her head back slightly against her head rest, eyes trailing to the sign that read “Colorado Springs 50 miles.” 50 miles, less than an hour to home. She gave a relieved kind of sigh, “It was good. There was at least one group that I think has some potential. I got Vanessa’s ok to give them a slot at the Regents next week so we’ll see how that goes.”

Helena couldn’t help but smile at how contented Myka sounded. She realized that the weight of all of this was still hanging over them, the schedules and the chaos, however, she did gain a modicum of relief at knowing that at least Myka was _happy_ with her new job. That did certainly count for something, “Sounds like a productive evening.”

“For the most part. How about you? How was your day?”

“Relatively uneventful. We finished another song this afternoon…”

“Seriously? I swear this album is going to be done before you know it. How many is this now?”

Helena chuckled, “Five. However, don’t get ahead of yourself darling. There is still the little discussed issue that we still have plenty of songs to actually _write_ before we can finish this album, so unfortunately we’re eventually going to hit a point that unless Claudia and I get back to writing, we won’t have much left to record.”

“Lucky for you, I know of a certain store, that is open on certain Mondays and is _highly_ encouraging of people to come and camp out to write.”

“That _is_ lucky. What’s even luckier is that Claudia and I are actually available next Monday to make that happen.”

Myka laughed, “I might not be able to handle that level of normalcy. I may faint.”

“Well, Claudia and I will simply have to revive you then.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Myka glanced down at her clock, 11:30. She sighed, this schedule was a pain in the ass, “So, should I head to your place tonight, or are you getting ready for bed?”

“Actually,” Helena’s voice hitched a little around her hesitation, suddenly unsure of what she was doing. “Actually love I’m at your place.”

Myka couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice, “My place? Why aren’t you at home?”

Helena sighed, “Part of me is inclined to say that I am home if this is where you’re returning to love. However, I also figured that you’ve had a long day and would appreciate sleeping in your own bed.”

Myka smiled deeply, wishing Helena could see it, “I love you, for the home comment and for the thoughtfulness. You don’t have to wait up for me though, I still have almost an hour to go before I’m home. I know you have an early morning…”

Helena swallowed down the lump in her throat, fighting against the fear that was welling up at the conversation she knew they were heading towards, the one that Myka had no idea was coming, “I’m actually not that tired, and I would like to see you…”

Myka could sense there was something just slightly _of_ f in the way that Helena’s voice trailed off at the end of her sentence, “Why do I have a feeling that there’s something else that’s supposed to be at the end of that sentence?”

Helena sighed, “Because you are woefully good at reading my tone apparently. I need to talk to you about something.”

Myka stomach turned and clenched uncomfortably, “Is everything ok?”

“Fine darling. There’s just something, rather unexpected, that I need to discuss with you before tomorrow.”

“Well that doesn’t sound ominous at all.”

Helena chuckled softly, “It’s not ominous. It’s just something I need your thoughts on.”

“And you’re seriously going to make me wait until I get home? This drive is interminable enough without having to wonder what’s coming once I’m home.”

“I’m sorry love, I’d just much rather we talked about this when you’re here.”

Myka sighed, “Ok…God now I’m nervous. You’re not planning on breaking up with me tomorrow or something are you?”

Helena couldn’t hold back her laughter, “Oh yes, love absolutely. I simply felt it would be polite to give you fair warning before it happened.”

“You never know, you Brits and your politeness.”

“We are that to a fault darling.” Helena’s heart swelled a bit at the sound of Myka’s laughter carrying over the phone, “ _No_ , I am not breaking up with you. I have told you before you’re stuck with me, so stop trying to get out of it. Please don’t worry, just get home safe and I’ll see you when you get here.”

“ _Fine_ , leave me hanging.”

“Always keeping you on your toes. Would you like me to make some tea so it’s ready when you get here?”

“That…would be amazing. Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome love. I’ll see you in a bit.”

**

When Myka got home, it was to the sounds of a gently pulsing stereo and clanking together mugs. She dropped her bag by the door and shrugged out of your coat, “Swagger?”

“In the kitchen darling.”

Myka couldn’t help the smile that stole over her face. She loved coming home and just having Helena _there_. There was a quiet sense of familiarity and permanence and home to all of it. She moved into the kitchen, where Helena was filling two mugs with water, preparing to let them steep. She stole up behind her, wrapping tight arms around her waist, pressing a kiss to the back of her neck, “Do you have any idea how much nicer it is to come home and have you here rather than just a horribly depressing empty apartment?”

Helena pushed the mugs further back on the counter and spun herself around in Myka’s arms, “I think I have a certain sense of how nice that is, yes.”

Myka smirked before squeezing her arms tighter around Helena’s waist, pulling her up and in for a deep, lingering kiss. She sighed a little bit into it as Helena’s hands stole up to nestle into her curls. Her body was compelling her to push forward, to linger and to insist that this moment just keep happening, but she pulled away, barely, before those instincts could kick in. She smiled to herself as she pulled back to see Helena’s eyes still closed, a slightly stunned, off-kilter look on her face. She couldn’t help herself, and stole back in, placing a much lighter, much more chaste kiss to Helena’s lips, “Now, at least if you _do_ break up with me, I can know I at least had one last good kiss.”

Helena pulled away, rolling her eyes, and giving a light smack to Myka’s shoulder, before turning to retrieve the mugs from the counter, “You’ve been home for five minutes and your insufferable level is already through the roof.”

“All part of my charm,” Myka winked and took the mug Helena was offering her, inhaling the steam. She sighed, “I also may be a bit punchy, I’m exhausted.”

“We can go to bed love, or at least lay down.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “You think that’s going to work? You think somehow I’m going to let you back out on your whole ‘I need to talk to you’ thing? Nope, no way Swagger, out with it.”

Helena sighed and tugged on Myka’s hand drawing her into the living room. Helena settled into a corner of the couch, where Myka quickly dropped down next to her stretching out with her head in Helena’s lap. A contented sigh escaped Myka’s lips, “Ok, say whatever you want, I may be too happy to properly process it.”

Helena chuckled and began running delicate fingers through Myka’s curls, “Well, I must say, it would probably help if you _did_ process, however, who am I to deny your happiness darling?”

“Exactly.” Myka allowed her eyes to open, stealing a glance up at Helena, the way her forehead was creased in concern, the way her fingers were clenching a bit too tightly around her mug. Myka reached a hand up and ran it through Helena’s hair, “Hey, I was teasing. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Helena closed her eyes, maybe it would be easier to say it without being able to see Myka’s reaction, prevent herself from the possibility of seeing Myka’s fight or flight instinct kick in, “We had a meeting with Kelly yesterday about some of our upcoming press interviews.”

Myka bit back a tiny smile, “And I’m guessing she gave you the ‘we need to prep for when they ask about Myka’ talk?” Helena’s eyes flew open, her mouth hanging ajar as she stared down at Myka, her brain trying to formulate any semblance of coherent response. Myka chuckled and sat up, turning to face Helena, “Swagger, I figured this was coming. It was inevitable.”

Helena let out a sigh that was half laughter, half exasperation, “And here I had this whole speech planned about telling you in the right way and explaining and how we would figure it out, and then bam, you, crazy woman, just _know_.”

“Well, if you would still like to give the speech…I wouldn’t want to deprive you.”

Helena gave Myka a playful scowl, “No, I’m quite happy getting out of it actually. I think I’m just a little stunned. You truly were anticipating this?”

Myka considered briefly, “Well, yeah, I mean it’s not like we’ve exactly been hiding our relationship. People in this town are pretty well aware at this point that we’re together, so you factor in your newfound badass rock star status plus my infamous history, and well…you can see where people would probably think it makes a pretty compelling story.”

Helena groaned slightly, “I’m not sure I want to be a compelling story…”

Myka chuckled, running a light hand across Helena’s cheek, “I know Swagger, unfortunately this is one of those things that we’re just going to have to deal with. I _know_ it sucks and it’s unfair, but the questions are going to happen. People are going to want to know about your personal life, and the fact that your personal life comes fully loaded with all my lovely baggage…”

“Is it crazy that I never thought about any of this when all of this with the band started? I mean, I was sitting there in Kelly’s office feeling like a total fool, because I was blind-sided by this.”

Myka leaned in and placed a small kiss to Helena’s frustrated scowl, “You aren’t crazy. No one thinks about things like this when you’re just starting out. You don’t plan on having your life turned inside out. If people _did_ plan on it, no one would go into music in the first place, because it would just overwhelm everyone before they started.”

“It just seems so…”

“Invasive?”

“Well, I was going to say creepy…”

Myka shrugged, “Creepy is actually probably a far better word for it.”

Helena leaned her head back against the couch, glancing at Myka sideways, “How on earth were you anticipating this?”

Myka gave her an incredulous look, “Because I’ve been here before Swagger. You forget that I did this whole _fame_ thing, while also dating my band mate. The headlines were…well, they got creative. People wanted to know all sorts of things about us, and the reality is there are just some people who have no filter and will just ask the most asinine questions they can think of, sometimes just for the shock value.”

“I just don’t understand why people care?”

“Because it sells papers and magazines and gets people to tune in to their radio shows. Helena, I swear to God, once, a guy asked Sam and I how often we had sex.” Myka burst out with laughter at the mixture of disgust, shock, and horror that crossed Helena’s face, “I’m sorry, maybe that was a really bad example to use here, but it was the worst-case scenario I could think of.”

“What on earth did you say?”

“ _I_ didn’t say anything. Sam was always much better at handling stuff like that. Once I kept him from slugging the guy, he came up with some sarcastic comment about us not having sex at all, he said something like it made for better lyrics or something insane like that, I don’t really remember. All I know is the guy was pissed and gave up on the interview.”

Helena rubbed at her forehead, “Oh the joys of what I have to look forward to I suppose.”

Myka smiled softly, linking her fingers with Helena’s, “Hey, listen, will you get asked something wildly inappropriate at some point? Yes. Do you have to respond to it? No. It’s up to us how we deal with this. We set the tone and we decide how much we share and how much we don’t. We don’t owe anybody anything. Just because they ask, it doesn’t mean that we have to answer.”

Helena looked at her with a blazing look of intensity that made a searing heat run down Myka’s spine, “Well, I’m not going to absolutely disown our relationship, I won’t let something like publicity make me do that.”

Myka chuckled, “My determined, stubborn Swagger, I would expect nothing less. I’m not saying we don’t talk about it, I’m just saying we decide _how much_ we talk about it.”

“I don’t want to drag you into all of this chaos Myka.”

There was something in the way that Helena said her name, no nicknames, no lilting tone, that made Myka realize that Helena had been so worked up about this conversation because she thought it was going to make her bail, that the chaos and the publicity and the attention would drive her away. She sighed to herself, how had she missed that? How had she missed the very obvious worry that this would cause Helena, because what reason did she have to think that something like this _wouldn’t_ make her bail. She squeezed Helena’s hand, “Helena, I need you to hear me when I say this ok? This chaos? This is what I signed up for, the minute that I told you I was in this with you. I can handle it. Please don’t think that this is something that’s going to scare me away. I get that all of this, the interviews, the attention, is part of this life. And I _know_ it’s not ideal, and I _know_ it’s not what you want, but it’s not going to go away, but that’s ok. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I know…I know you probably don’t feel like you have any reason to believe that necessarily, but I’m telling you…I’m not running. Let them ask all the questions they want, whether it’s what we have for dinner _or_ how much we sleep together, I don’t care. They aren’t going to scare me away.”

Myka watched in rapt fascination as Helena’s entire body visibly relaxed, like some kind of weight was slowly lifting off of her every muscle. She turned a genuine smile to Myka, “I love you….desperately. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling bad that I’m dragging you back into this life.”

“Don’t. Sure, it’s going to take some adjustment, but it’s nothing that we can’t deal with.”

Helena let out a deep breath, “So what do I say when the inevitable happens?”

“What do you _want_ to say?”

“I want to tell them it’s none of their bloody business, however…”

Myka bit back a chuckle, “ _Probably_ not the best tactic.”

“Indeed. Like I said, I don’t want to deny that we’re together. I’m not hiding that. However, I think that’s about all I want to say. I don’t want them knowing details. It’s too much.”

Myka nodded with a smile, “Alright then, our _official stance_ is that we’re in a happy, committed, _desperately in love_ relationship, and the rest of it is personal.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You’re teasing me.”

“Maybe a little, but only because I’m trying to lighten the mood. I can _feel_ you still worrying.”

“It’s just…a lot.” She hesitated, for the briefest of moments before deciding that they needed to get everything out and on the table, “Myka, you know someone will ask…they’ll bring up you and Sam…”

Myka sighed, but she didn’t feel the usual, pressing weight that always seemed to come when someone mentioned Sam. That alone was enough to give her hope, “I know they will. They’ll probably ask you some really personal, really insensitive questions, and that is where you are totally within your rights to say it’s personal and no comment. Don’t let them drag you into that Swagger, it will be insane, and I don’t want you having to deal with that.”

“ _People_ are insane. _This whole thing_ is insane.”

“It is, but we’ll get through it. Unfortunately, this is just one of the shitty downsides to being so insanely talented that people can’t get enough of you.”

“Flatterer.”

Myka winked, “Say what you want, but you’re the one with a hit single on the Billboard charts Swagger.”

Helena couldn’t fight the smile that overtook her face, “It’s so surreal.”

“Get used to it. I somehow have a feeling this is simply the start to a very long line of hit songs.”

“Let the roller coaster begin.”

Myka tugged Helena closer to her, leaning into her, whispering against her lips, “Eh, let the roller coaster begin tomorrow. Tonight however…” 

Helena laughed lightly, “I feel like I should state that I have to be up early.”

Myka kissed her slowly, “Sorry, I have no idea what you just said.”

Helena rolled her eyes, muttering “ _Insufferable_ ,” before tugging at Myka’s hand and pulling her from the couch towards the bedroom.

**

Despite the fact that Myka had to be up almost as early as Helena, she was still up and out of bed long before Myka was Thursday morning. Myka glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, 7:30. If she timed it right, she should be in the car and driving to work at the same time their interview started. She sighed and rolled pathetically onto Helena’s pillow, taking in a deep, heady breath of lavender. Today was going to be painstakingly long, even with the brief respite she had in the middle of it for lunch with her mom and Helena. She groaned, might as well let the minutes start to tick by.

She climbed into her car just in time to hear the DJ introducing them. Her stomach did a weird combination of a twist and a turn. She knew this guy. She’d been forced to talk to him on countless occasions, and she _knew_ , if there was anyone who was going to ask _the_ question, it would be him. She just hoped Helena was ready. Jesus, she hoped _she_ was ready. She let her teeth chase against her bottom lip, tucking her sunglasses over her eyes, and turning up the volume.

“So, let’s just get this out there. Your _first_ single, ‘Ain’t it Fun’ just hit the Billboard top ten. How’s that feel?”

Myka smiled as Claudia’s excited, exuberant, just desperately trying to keep it under control voice came through her speakers, “It’s been surreal. I’ve gotta say, I don’t think any of us were really expecting any of this to happen so fast, or for it to be like this already.”

Pete’s voice came in a bit on the tails of Claudia’s, “This whole thing…it’s been crazy. It felt like one day Claud and H.G. were just showing Steve and I this song, and the next it was going a bit out of control.”

“That has to feel like a bit of a roller coaster, I can imagine. Especially considering you haven’t been together that long right?”

Claudia again. Myka chuckled, between her and Pete, Helena and Steve might not get a word in edgewise. “Well, Steve, Pete, and I have been together for almost three years, just trying to make something work, but it always felt like something was missing, so about six months ago we started looking for a lead singer, and voila there was H.G. Once she was here…it all sort of clicked.”

“That had to be a bit strange for you, H.G. Coming into a group that was already so well established together…”

Myka felt a flood of warmth as the rich tone of Helena’s voice came through the car, “It was a bit _intimidating_. They were so much like a family when I met them, and I wasn’t sure how I would fit into that, but honestly, from the moment we met, it felt right.”

Steve chimed in, “It was one of those moments where we all sort of realized we’d finally found what we’d been looking for.”

“And here you are, a huge hit single, a record deal with Artifact Records, and now you’re in the studio, correct?”

Pete answered first, “We are. It’s been about a month that we’ve been recording, and we’ve got a pretty good start on an album I think we all can be proud of.”

Steve’s voice, “It’s easy when you have people like Claudia and H.G. who just keep churning out incredible songs.”

“So Claudia, H.G. you do most of the writing?”

There was a brief pause, and Myka laughed because she could just imagine the two of them silently bickering over who would talk first. Apparently Helena won out, “We do. It was one of the things that Claudia and I realized right away when we met, we had a very similar approach to writing.”

Claudia piped up, “It’s actually part of why I, at least, knew that H.G. would be a good fit for us. I had been looking for someone to write with and when I met her…damn…it just fell into place.”

“Then talk to me a little bit about the album. What should we expect? I know people are anxious to hear it.”

Pete first, “I think we’ve got a good mix of stuff right now. It’s a good balance between some pretty hard, driving stuff, and things that are a little bit more laid back.”

Helena, “If people have seen us perform around town they should have a pretty good feel for what the album will be like. We definitely have some heavier songs like Pete said, but we do try and find some lighter moments.”

Claudia, “Sometimes H.G. and I are _not so good_ with the lighter writing, but we’re getting there.”

Steve, “God look out when they find that rhythm, we won’t be able to keep up.”

Myka laughed softly. They sounded so _in sync_ , so natural together. It wasn’t awkward or hesitant. It was just the four of them _talking_ , and she knew that anyone listening would be drawn to them. Hell, she already knew them and still couldn’t stop listening.

“So I’m going to switch gears a little bit here, because we don’t have much more time…”

Fuck, Myka thought, here we go…

“I’ve gotta ask…Steve, you’re dating Liam Napier, who just happens to be a brand new artist with St. Secord who is getting _a lot_ of play around town. Any rivalry there with you guys signing with Artifact? Vying to be the next big thing to come out of Colorado Springs?”

Steve gave a bit of a self-deprecating laugh, “No, not really. I mean we kind of joke about it, but in all honesty, we’re coming at it from completely different angles, me with the band and Liam doing more of a solo thing. He’s got this whole rugged acoustic style that is the polar opposite of us, so it works. It’s actually kind of nice, both of us being at the beginning of all this, having someone who is in the same boat as you, knows what you’re dealing with, it helps keep things in perspective.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, those two were going to be fine if they kept fielding questions like that. It was the perfect mix of enough of an answer, without divulging _any_ amount of personal details. 

“Right, yeah absolutely, you both are kind of going through the same amount of craziness of just starting out. You’re kind of walking through it together.”

“Yeah, exactly. It’s nice having someone who pretty much knows exactly what you’re going through.”

Myka sucked in a sharp, tight breath. Steve, probably without knowing it, had given this guy the _perfect_ segue.

“Speaking of which, you’re not the only one in this group tied to someone with some industry cred, as it were…”

“Fuck…” Myka held her breath, just waiting for the shoe to drop.

“H.G. rumor around town is that you’re dating our very own Myka Bering, someone who _certainly_ knows the ins and outs of this business. Has that helped going through all of this, having someone who knows the ropes?”

Helena’s voice came out surprisingly light and almost _free_ , with a bit of a toying lilt to it, “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a _rumor_ , Aaron. I’m fairly certain that at this point every one of her customers knows we’re dating, and basically _everyone_ in this town makes their way through The Warehouse at some point so…it isn’t exactly a secret.” She let out the last word with a teasing whisper, followed by a small, throaty chuckle.

Myka let out a little of the breath she was holding. Helena’s answer was the right amount of playful and coy, while also being fairly blunt. 

“Touché H.G. There’s no denying The Warehouse is a bit of an institution around here. So, what’s that like though? Dating someone whose been through all of this before?”

“Well, it certainly makes prepping for interviews like this a little bit easier.”

Myka laughed right out loud, and thankfully so did the DJ. 

“In all seriousness though, I think all of us can agree that Myka has been a godsend in helping us figure out just what the hell we’re doing, because you’re right, she _has_ been through all of this before, so she knows the steps that are coming. However, the other side of that is, _she’s been through this before_ , and so at this point I’m fairly certain she’s had enough poking and prodding into her personal life for a lifetime. So, I’ll just say _I’m_ immensely grateful that she’s on this journey with me, with _us_ , and leave it at that.”

The DJ let out a small chuckle, “Fair enough. Plus, we _are_ out of time. Alright all of you out there, these four crazies are ‘Seeking Endless Wonder.’ If you get a chance go check them out when they’re playing around town, because before you know it, they’re going to be selling out arenas and you’ll kick yourself in the ass for missing out. Thanks for coming on today you four, let’s send you off the right way, here’s their newly minted top ten Billboard hit ‘Ain’t it Fun.’”

Myka finally let all the air in her lungs go, only slightly judging herself for the tears that were rimming her eyes. Helena had been perfect. _More than perfect_ , and she only hoped that she would be able to adequately explain to her how thankful she was for that. She pulled into the St. Secord parking lot, and quickly took out her phone before heading in, pulling up a new text.

_“You are incredible and I love you. I actually think I’m without words for how much I love you right now. I’ll see you in a few (hopefully very quick) hours.”_

She pulled her bag from the back and headed towards the building, feeling her phone vibrate as she stepped in the doors.

_“I love you too darling. I meant every word. You…you make all this insanity seem not so insane. I could not do this without you…but I’m also not going to let this life drag our life out into the open. It’s too…sacred to me.”_

Myka sighed around a gloriously pathetic smile, God, now she was going to have to fix her make-up before getting to her office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had trouble finding the right split for the chapter, so I hope it doesn't seem like it's a weird break...either way more words coming soon!!


	16. Hate to See Your Heart Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fargo asks the band for a ballad...and well...Helena has one, but it's complicated.
> 
> Also, Helena discovers baseball and Myka finally takes her to Boulder for some family time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 as promised!!  
> This song is the number one reason why this story became longer than intended. I remembered that I had once read a story about the fact that Joy Williams from the Civil Wars and Hayley Williams from Paramore were friends, and then I discovered they had recorded this together, and well...things happened. The song is technically Paramore, but it's the deluxe album version with Joy on it.
> 
> I would highly, highly recommend checking out the video for this song on YouTube.

Before any of them were really sure they had a grip on what was happening to their lives, April fell into May, and though their schedules didn’t necessarily _lessen_ , Helena at least found that the constant grip of anxiety she had been feeling in her chest at the insanity of all of this had started to ease. It certainly wasn’t that things were _easy_ , but, as Myka had promised they would, they fell into a rhythm. She and Claudia made a more concerted effort to be at the Warehouse at least once a week writing, even if it wasn’t _always_ on Mondays. They had realized quickly how much they had let that rhythm lapse in the midst of the chaos, and they knew they needed that time. They’d barely written since they signed their deal and they were inching ever closer to the time when they would simply run out of things to record if they didn’t write. The fact that their writing efforts meant more time for Myka and Helena was simply a blissful added bonus. Jeannie had begun to insist that Helena come to lunch, regardless of how busy she was because she “didn’t care if you’re a big rock star now you still need to eat.” Myka had rolled her eyes and told Helena that she didn’t need to listen to her, because their schedules were crazy enough without trying to fit in time for her mother as well. Helena, however, had simply given Jeannie a coy smile, said nothing more about it, and then proceeded to be at every lunch from that moment on. They had their Wednesday nights and the drives home that Vanessa still teased them about. It eventually simply started _working_ , the rhythm, the process, the scheduling, and, as Myka had indicated it would, what they found mattered the most was that they woke up and fell asleep together. They bookended each others days in the best way possible. 

The eight of them, their content, little, strange family, found what worked for them, what fit, and they were happy. They were _all_ happy, until an afternoon in late May, when Helena noticed something distinctly _odd_ going on in the studio. She was settled against the couch cushions, working through the bridge of a song she wasn’t necessarily sold on, while Pete was recording backing tracks. Steve was out on the phone with Liam, and so it was only her that truly noticed what was happening when it started happening. 

The higher pitch of Claudia’s laughter caught her ear, drawing her eyes away from her notebook to look up with an odd sense that she was intruding on something, to see Claudia leaning against the control board, leaning over Fargo’s shoulder as they adjusted a few things to the recording, while Fargo’s arm came to rest, carefully, against her knee. Helena caught the stray wisp of eye contact between them, the small smiles exchanged, before they both returned to their previous positions, the conversation returning immediately to how to make Pete’s sound come across better.

Helena quirked an eyebrow and pulled out her phone. She looked up again to see that Claudia had leaned further in again, arm resting against Fargo’s on the edge of the board. She sighed, and began to type a text.

_“So…something odd is happening over here.”_

_“Did you let Pete record after eating an entire box of cookies, because I’ve warned you that’s a bad idea.”_

Helena chuckled softly, and then surreptitiously snapped a quick photo of Claudia and Fargo, both completely oblivious to her attention. She attached the photo to a text.

_“This seems to be happening.”_

_“Oof…poor Todd.”_

Helena sighed, but then the more she thought about it…

_“Indeed. However…now that I think about it, when was the last time we saw Todd? Outside of the Regents that is?”_

_“Now that you mention it…I don’t know. A couple of weeks? Wait! Do you think this is like happening, happening?”_

She tried to bite back a grin so as not to draw any attention to herself and she and Myka’s musings, but she could just hear the incredulous shock in Myka’s voice. It was adorably endearing.

_“I don’t know. I mean I’ve noticed that they’ve seemed…closer? But until now I didn’t think anything of it.”_

_“I don’t really see Claud as the cheating type though.”_

_“No neither do I. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions…or maybe she just hasn’t told us that she and Todd are no longer together.”_

_“I don’t see either of those options as entirely plausible there Swagger.”_

_“I know…should I talk to her?”_

Helena bit down nervously on her lip. She wasn’t sure she wanted Myka’s answer.

_“Totally your call. Man…it’ll be weird if that’s what’s going on though…I’ve kind of gotten used to having Todd around.”_

_“It will certainly change the dynamics of our little group a bit. If she starts dating Fargo, I worry I’ll never quite feel as though I’m out of the studio.”_

_“I can imagine. Well…I guess we just wait and see. Keep me updated though, because dammit now I’m curious! Which I feel horrible about, by the way.”_

_“Myka Bering…you little gossip hound.”_

_“Oh hush you texted me first! I only know this now because YOU shared it.”_

_“True…more of my corrupting nature impacting your innocence.”_

_“I happen to like your corrupting nature.”_

_“Of that I am well aware darling…”_

_“Ok…I have to stop this conversation, otherwise I’m never going to get anymore work done, and I would like to see you tonight, therefore I will need to actually leave the office at some point.”_

_“Oh am I distracting you love?”_

_“You know you are.”_

_“Well…I suppose it wouldn’t suit my purposes to keep you distracted from work then. See you tonight…good luck staying focused…”_

_“Evil woman.”_

_“The evil woman you love.”_

_“Too true. I’ll call on my way home. Your place right?”_

_“Indeed.”_

Helena slipped her phone back into her pocket with a light chuckle. That conversation alone was enough to help her mind slip and slide back into a place where words made more sense as rhythms, and so she began to write. Myka seemed to have that effect on her. She rolled her eyes, solely at herself because, at this point, over half of this album was going to be about Myka. She shrugged, as long as it was working she wasn’t going to stop. 

She felt herself ease back into the haze that came over her when she was writing, until Steve practically _moped_ back into the room, and slunk down next to her on the couch, head immediately coming to rest against her shoulder with a soft groan. Claudia and Fargo barely moved or noticed, too absorbed in what they were doing. 

Helena placed a careful hand against Steve’s knee, “Steven?”

“Liam finally got his tour schedule for the summer…” His words simply hung there, like a weighted balloon, slowly dragging the air out of the room.

Helena squeezed Steve’s knee and rested her head against his, “As bad as you expected I take it?”

He groaned, “Is it possible for it to be worse?”

“You tell me…”

“Mid-June to mid-September. Three entire months.”

Helena’s head snapped up, “I thought he said that they were aiming for _two_ months, and he wasn’t even sure if that would happen. How the _hell_ did it turn into three?”

“The _Rolling Stone_ article last month. It gave him a huge bump. I mean, we both figured it would, but I guess I didn’t really think…”

“That it would translate into being apart for twelve weeks.”

“Exactly.”

“How does he feel about it?”

Steve sighed, “I mean he’s happy, which he _should_ be. He’s been doing so incredibly. His album has kind of exploded, but he’s worried. He’s worried about us. He’s worried if he can handle being away that long, if _we_ can handle that much distance.”

Helena felt a familiar twisting in her stomach, “I can imagine.”

“And I mean we’re going to sit down and look at the schedule tonight, figure out when his time off falls, and when I can come out and see him, so it’s not like we won’t see each other at all, but still it’s going to be…”

“Different.” Helena’s voice was barely a whisper.

Steve sat up, shoulders squaring a bit, “But, I guess this is our life right? I mean this is what we knew was coming. So, we have to deal with it.”

Helena gave him a small, admiring grin, rubbing a hand against the back of his head playfully, “Oh our dear, zen Steven. I envy your optimism.”

Steve chuckled, “Optimism is better than giving in to this _sinking_ feeling.”

Helena let out a dejected, exasperated chuckle, “Someday, I have a feeling I will need you to remind me of that fact.”

Eventually, Fargo pulled the rest of them back into the recording studio to fit together the rest of their pieces with what he and Pete had been working on. At the end of the day, as they listened to playback, Helena was impressed. Every time they finished something she worried that it wouldn’t end up sounding as good as it _felt_ in the moment, but each time, it was better than she expected. This time though felt even more weighted. They had finally put the finishing touches on one of the songs that Myka had given to Claudia, and the whole process had felt surreal and unearthly. Helena felt like she was floating outside of herself singing words that Myka had written. Words Myka had, in the end, written about Sam. It was disconcerting at first, but Myka had told her that she had never had the courage to record it herself, it was too raw, too real, too full of the pain she felt at their initial breakup, too full of her hatred for Giselle, that she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had told her that the idea of Helena channeling her strength and her power into her own words made it feel right, like this was how it was meant to be in the end. And, in truth, as Helena listened back to her own voice singing about the anguish of realizing you never knew the person you loved, not truly, she realized that she had put more into this song than any other, more power, more rawness, more depth, and it was all because she wanted it to be everything Myka _needed_ it to be. Knowing she was allowing Myka to exorcise these demons in a way, it allowed a certain depth of emotion to come through her voice that she hadn’t truly tapped into before. 

The song faded out and Fargo spun in his chair to look at them, giddy, boyish smile playing on his face. He clapped his hands, “This…this is a whole different level. This is raw and open and it hits the perfect blend of what you guys are doing. Hard driving music, behind lyrics with emotion. This is one more set and ready to go.”

“ Halfway there guys, and H.G. and I should have some new music ready for next week, so we can just keep moving,” Claudia’s tone was barely concealing her palpable glee. 

Fargo suddenly cleared his throat, the childlike whimsy and charm gone in an instant, “Speaking of continuing to move and new stuff. There’s something I wanted to talk to you guys about.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I’m beginning to hate that sentence. Every time we hear it, it never seems to lead to anything good.”

Fargo chuckled, “I wouldn’t say this is something bad, but it’s something I want you guys to consider. This album, what we’ve put together so far, it’s pretty hard and up tempo and fast. ‘Last Hope’ is about as slow as we’ve got right now, and even towards the end that picks up. I want you guys to consider working on some more low tempo stuff. You need a couple of songs on here to ease the pace, give it some movement. If it’s all up, it won’t feel right in the end. There has to be an even flow.”

Claudia gave Helena an uneasy look, “We don’t really do the low-key so much.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “We haven’t really tried…”

Claudia turned back to Fargo, “I’m not sure I really know how to _do_ slow.”

He turned an eager glance towards Helena, “What about you H.G.? ‘Last Hope’ is yours, how do you feel about taking another crack at something a bit more along the lines of the ballad persuasion?”

Helena bit back at sigh at his so quickly deferring to her and not pushing Claudia a bit more on broadening her prospects. Apparently, young love and blossoming relationships had their benefits. She shrugged her shoulders, “I’m willing to give it a try. In all honesty, I may have some old songs that could be reworked a bit. I’ll have to look at home.”

Pete clapped a hand to her shoulder, “Takin’ one for the team, way to be H.G. I’d volunteer my lyric writing services but…”

Helena smirked, “I would love to see how a ballad would work coming from your hands Peter.”

He threw back his head in laughter, “Exactly! That is all you.”

Helena rolled her eyes with a light chuckle, turning back to Fargo, “I’ll see what I can do.”

He gave them all a thumbs up, “Great! If you can do that, and you bring in some other new material next week, we should be good to go.”

**

Helena groaned as she sank back against the couch, “Claudia could have at least had the courtesy to warn me before throwing me under the bus, so spectacularly. She could have made those little beeping noises they make when they’re backing up…it would have helped.”

Laughter bubbled up in Myka’s throat so quickly, she nearly choked on her wine, causing her to sit up coughing, all the while her shoulders still shook with amusement. Helena glared at her, “ _You_ are not helping.”

Myka took in a large breath of air, breathing returning to a somewhat normalized pace, “I’m sorry, you are just…you’re something else when you’re all worked up and exasperated.”

“You’ll see something else when I kick you out of this apartment for being gloriously unhelpful.”

Myka rolled her eyes and tugged on Helena’s arm, drawing her closer. She tucked an arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her forehead, “Tell me how I can help. Seeing as it’s raining I would much rather _not_ be kicked out this evening.”

Helena groaned again, “Yes, I’m sure that’s the _only_ reason why darling.”

“I’m teasing. Seriously, tell me what I can do.”

“Write a bloody ballad for me.”

Myka chuckled softly, “I probably could, however, I’m not sure _my_ writing would exactly fit _your_ tone.”

“She says after we just recorded one of her songs today…”

Myka fought off another eye roll, “Different time in my life there Swagger. Totally different inspiration. If you had me write something now it would probably end up being some huge, sappy, love song about how much I adore my girlfriend, and how exactly would that look for your badass reputation?”

“Oh it would destroy it completely, obviously.”

Myka smirked and rested her head against Helena’s, “I _am_ willing to help. However I can, because you’re right, it is kind of shitty that Claud just dumped this on you…”

Helena sighed, “I think it’s an inevitable consequence of her _clearly_ having other things going on in her life and rather than telling us about them, she’s dealing on her own. She’s distracted, and that’s ok. I mean…it’s not that I mind…it was just unexpected.”

“I know, but you’ll figure it out. _We’ll_ figure it out, if I am able to be of any help.” Myka leaned forward and plucked one of Helena’s journals off of the table. Helena had pulled all of them out when she had gotten home in a flurry of frustration and panic, flipping through them quickly and immediately declaring they were all rubbish. Myka pulled the journal into her lap, looking down at Helena with a quirked eyebrow, an obvious question of permission. Helena just gave her a small smile and a nod, before leaning up to press a soft kiss to her lips. Myka gave her a tiny smile, and pulled her in closer under her arm, “I’ll tell you what. We’ll look through these, _actually_ look this time, and see if there’s anything you’ve written before that could work, and if we don’t find anything, _maybe_ we think about trying to write something together. Ballads might not be Claud’s thing, but I can’t really deny that I’ve written my fair share.”

Helena sat up a bit straighter, looking Myka in the eye boldly, “Are you serious?”

Myka smirked, “Of course I’m serious Swagger. I actually think it might be kind of fun for us to write together.”

Helena didn’t know why she felt so stunned, maybe it was because she knew how emotional of a process writing was for both of them, the idea of doing it together…it seemed…for some reason it seemed like a big step, or maybe it was simply because Myka now exclusively wrote for a label that Helena definitely wasn’t a part of. She eyed Myka carefully, “Wouldn’t that impact work for you?”

Myka shrugged, “When I signed my contract Jack, Rebecca, and I talked a little about the possibility actually. They said we’d make it work.”

“You’ve been thinking about this for awhile haven’t you?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess. It just seemed kind of inevitable to me that at some point it might happen.”

Helena moved forward, lips moving fervently against Myka’s, “I would love that.”

Myka gave her a soft smile, “Well then, even if it doesn’t end up being necessary in this instance, at some point we’ll give it a try.” Myka let her eyes trail down to wear Helena’s fingers were dancing along her thigh, before she turned back and gave Helena an incredulous look, “I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work. We’re looking through these journals Swagger, your romantic wiles be damned.”

Helena huffed playfully, “Rejection…you wound me Myka Bering.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure you are so _very_ wounded. I’m sure you’re also slightly _annoyed_ that you can’t prevent me from looking through things you’ve written.”

Helena sighed, “Fine, but I’m telling you, we won’t find anything.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I think having a fresh eye look through them will help, _and_ you should also give yourself a bit more credit. I’m sure there’s something here.”

They flipped through several of Helena’s older journals, ones from her time in New York, but nothing in particular jumped out to either of them. Myka was drawn to a couple of them, but there was no denying that sometimes once you’ve moved out of a certain time in your life, the music you wrote while in the midst of it didn’t quite hit as hard as it used to. Everything rang just a bit hollow, because it was written by a very different Helena, in a very different mindset. Finally, Myka gave Helena an appraising look. They’d distinctly, _purposefully_ avoided one journal in particular, one that Myka had seen at The Warehouse countless times, but had never seen inside of. It was Helena’s “Colorado Springs” journal, the one she used when she and Claudia weren’t writing together, but she was working on her own. Myka knew that Helena was trying to keep her away from it, because it was certainly tinged with a heavy amount of _them_ , and she understood how that could be a very vulnerable, nerve-wracking thing to offer up. 

With a small sigh, Helena finally pulled it from the table and set it in Myka’s lap, “Honestly, if we’re going to find anything it _will_ probably be in there.”

Myka was suddenly hesitant, “Helena, I don’t have to look at this.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You have allowed me to sing one of your most gut-wrenching songs and record it, Myka. I think the least that I can do is let you take a peek at some of my scribbles.”

“They aren’t just scribbles and you know it.”

Helena gave a small chuckle, “Will you just open the damn book?”

Myka turned fumbling fingers to the pages, feeling like she was wading into something she wasn’t necessarily fully prepared for. She flipped through the first couple of pages as Helena muttered with each page, “Too fast. I don’t like that one. Doesn’t work.” Eventually, Myka’s fingers hit a page that was a bit more ragged than the others. Lines had been crossed out in every direction, the edges were frayed, and the writing a bit more jagged than Helena’s usual, casual, scrawl. She turned inquisitive eyes to Helena but found that Helena had turned away, a small muscle pulsing in her jaw, though she didn’t seem inclined to stop Myka’s attention to the song in front of her. Myka’s brow furrowed as she turned her attention back to the page. 

Myka read it through four, possibly five times. Each time wondering more and more how the band hadn’t been playing this from the moment Helena wrote it. Each time realizing that if Fargo was looking for a ballad, it had been sitting underneath Helena’s fingertips the whole time. Her voice was tinged with a bit of awe, a bit of breathlessness, “Helena…this is…this is what you’re looking for. It’s…it’s perfect.”

Helena gave a light shrug, “It’s been awhile since I’ve thought about that one actually.”

“Have you shown this to Claudia?”

“No.”

There was something Myka was missing. She didn’t want to jump to conclusions, and she certainly didn’t want to entertain the notions that were currently racing around in her head, but the hesitancy, the quiet, the unease that Helena was exuding, it was making her want to just _know_ , so she pushed a little bit, “Why haven’t you? It’s so good…”

“It was just never something I necessarily felt comfortable sharing with Claudia, I suppose. I was never certain it was finished, that I had said what I needed to say, hence all the editing you can see.”

Myka shook her head, “This is ready Helena. It’s the perfect combination of hope and loss and worry and anger. It’s love and sadness all rolled into one. If Fargo wants a ballad, this is it.”

Helena still wasn’t meeting Myka’s eye, “I’m not so sure. I’ve always envisioned it as a bit of a duet.”

Myka missed the look on Helena’s face, too excited about what she’d found to pay much attention to anything else, “Well, you and Claud could do a duet. That might be even better for the whole _rhythm_ and _flow_ thing that Fargo is aiming for.”

Helena finally met Myka’s eye, “I never imagined singing it with Claudia darling.”

Her tone and the look on her face were all the confirmation Myka needed that her mind _had_ gone to the correct place initially. Suddenly, all the promise and potential of the song was backpedaling against the implications of Helena’s words and all Myka could say was a pathetic, “Oh.”

Helena arched a careful eyebrow, “Indeed.”

Myka’s eyes chased back over the lyrics, taking in the reality of what was in front of her. She knew that Helena had written songs about them, about her, but to actually see one of them, the process, the thought that went into it, it was difficult to completely take in. She shook her head a bit, trying to clear the stray thoughts that were tugging her away, “When?”

“When what love?”

Myka’s lips tugged in a small smile, “When did you write this?”

Helena didn’t even hesitate to answer, “I started it after that first night you called me to run after dinner with your parents. It was finished, relatively, before I saw you perform at the Regents.”

Myka’s mind ricocheted back to that night, the night she had first pulled away from Helena, the night that made her realize that Helena needed to know everything. She thought about the day after and how Helena had left immediately after lunch, how hurt she had seemed. Suddenly, the anguish in the lyrics made a lot more sense. She felt tiny pricks against the back of her eyes, “I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything…other than possibly take back your offer to write together, because clearly we’re both so good at handling the words we’ve written for each other.”

Myka gave a small chuckle, “The offer still stands. I just…I can’t believe you wrote this about me. It’s so…I mean knowing when and what was going on with us at that point…what you didn’t even know yet…it just it encapsulates that moment so perfectly.”

Helena was quiet for several moments before letting out a small whisper, “Now do you understand how I couldn’t ever imagine singing this with Claudia?”

“Yeah…I do…but Helena…I…”

Helena shook her head, “I’m not asking you to, Myka. I do love this song. I put a lot of work into it, and considering Fargo’s request, I think it _would_ actually fit quite well. _However_ , I refuse to put you in that position.”

Myka’s voice was coming in fits and starts, “I know, I just…I just feel like I should…or like I’m sure you want me to. I just don’t know how to process this.”

Helena turned her body to fully face Myka, folding her legs up underneath her and drawing Myka’s hand into her lap, “Darling, I would be a liar if I said that the thought was not an intriguing one. To be able to do this with you…it would be incredible, but you need to hear me when I say that I am not asking for that. When we first started this tonight, I had zero expectations of _this_ being where we ended up. The fact that you found this song…I wasn’t going to lie to you regarding how it came about, nor was I going to lie about my vision for it.”

“No, I know. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the thought.”

Helena gave her a quizzical look, “Wait. Are you saying that you’re considering this?”

Myka’s teeth chased over her bottom lip, over and over again, “I don’t know. Maybe. I just…I haven’t thought about actually _recording_ something in a long time, plus there’s the logistics with the label _and_ if I could even handle it.”

Helena placed placating hands against Myka’s shoulders, “Hey, hey, slow down. You’re rambling forward and that doesn’t need to happen. If you want to think about this, truly, then think about it, but one step at a time. Think about if you can handle this first. That’s all that matters to me. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being pushed into something you don’t want. So just…just take some time with it, ok?” Myka nodded, eyes already far away to the point that Helena felt like she could see the wheels turning in her mind. She sighed and tugged on Myka’s hand that still rested in her lap, “Darling? Why don’t we get ready for bed? It’s late, and I don’t really think staying up and talking this is circles is going to help.”

Myka’s voice, when it came, was vague and far away, “Right. Sure.”

Helena sighed, “Plus aren’t you getting me up at some godforsaken hour to go to a baseball game tomorrow?”

That finally caught Myka’s attention. She smirked, “That I am, Swagger, and you are going to _love_ every minute of it.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Oh I am sure, but for now, you’re shutting that gorgeous brain of yours off and we’re going to bed.”

Myka gave her a small smile and allowed herself to be tugged towards the bedroom, but she knew for certain that there was no way her brain was shutting off tonight. 

**

_“What in the world is she turning me into?”_ It was the only thought that Helena could properly form as she walked back into the bedroom, towel drying her hair, only to be faced with Myka, back turned towards her as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail while making a scrunched up face at herself in the mirror. It wasn’t so much that very innocent action that had Helena’s mind spinning slightly off balance, but the fact that she was actually wondering how it was possible for a baseball jersey to look so inordinately sexy. It was simply a thought that she never anticipated herself having, and yet looking at Myka now…well, those thoughts were all she could come up with. She couldn’t help herself, she stole up behind Myka, arm snaking around her waist, as she pressed a kiss to the back of her neck, “I think you have officially thrown me into the realm of crazy, darling.”

Myka gave her a coy, quizzical look in the mirror, giving one last tug to her hair, “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

Helena squeezed her waist, another kiss lingering against Myka’s skin, “Because never in my life have I found sports attire _appealing_ , and yet…”

Myka turned around in her arms, a victorious smirk on her face, “Are you telling me that you think you’ve gone crazy because you think I look hot in my jersey?”

Helena blushed slightly, “Apparently I am, and apparently, I have completely lost my mind.”

Myka pressed a kiss to the tip of Helena’s nose, “I’m withholding judgment on that until you see what I bought you. Your reaction to that _may_ determine if you’ve lost it.”

Helena furrowed her brows as Myka pulled away from her and starting rummaging in her bag, “You bought me something?”

Myka voice came out slightly muffled and annoyed as she tossed various items out of her bag, in an apparently desperate search for the elusive purchase, “I did. Though, whether or not you’ll like it is another story. Ah ha! Finally!” Myka stood back up and tossed a tiny black ball of fabric in Helena’s direction, “You can’t go to a game without proper, how’d you put it? _Sports attire_.”

Helena unfurled the shirt in her hands, giving Myka an incredulous look, “You bought me a Rockies shirt? One that you are fully expecting me to wear?”

Myka chuckled, “Absolutely. Come on! It’s your first game, indulge the woman you love.”

Helena gave a small sigh, “It’s official. I have gone crazy.” She tugged the shirt over her head and turned to look at herself in the mirror, while Myka came to stand behind her. She cocked her head from side to side, “Somewhere, my grandmother is feeling the need to scream for an unknown reason because her granddaughter is being turned into an American.”

Myka gave a soft laugh, “You don’t _have_ to wear it.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “And risk those damnable puppy-dog eyes of yours? No thank you. Plus,” she leaned back, her head resting on Myka’s shoulder after she pressed a kiss to her cheek, “I actually think it looks pretty good on me, _and_ I think it’s extremely sweet of you to make sure that I was…properly attired.”

Myka turned her head, giving Helena a slow, _laden_ kiss, “I’m kind of regretting the proper attire, because it’s making me consider being late for the game, and if that’s the case, we have both totally lost out minds.”

Helena chuckled, “You would cause me to miss my first baseball experience? Never.”

**

“Holy shit, do my eyes deceive me or is that H.G. Wells in a Rockies shirt?”

“Peter, do not tempt me to punch you this early in the day,” Helena’s teasing tone assuaged the glare that was hidden behind her sunglasses.

Pete slung an arm around Myka’s shoulders, “How the _hell_ did you get this to happen? I figured she’d burst into flames before she allowed it or that she’d at least be terrified that her accent was going to disappear.”

Myka smirked, “I can be very persuasive Pete.”

Amanda gave a snort of laughter, “Oh yeah, I’m sure you’re very _persuasive_ dearest, and I’m sure H.G. will be murdering us all if you start discussing the details of your persuasion tactics.”

“Thank you for that Amanda. At least someone is appreciative of my delicate, British sensibilities.”

Myka shook her head with a laugh, “Delicate my ass. Should I tell them about the road rage incident on the way here? Or is flipping a guy off while also screaming at him to ‘bugger off’ considered just part and parcel of British decorum?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about darling,” Helena looped her arm around Myka’s waist and pulled her out of Pete’s hold, pressing a kiss to her temple. 

Myka smiled softly, giving a small tug to Helena’s shirt, “You know you’re kind of cute when you’re feisty.”

“Jesus, the level of adorable here should be illegal. Pete, I believe we need to get these two inside so Troy can distract Myka from the British invasion that is currently happening.”

Myka gave a shout of laughter, “Hey! There will be _no_ criticism of my Troy love over there, or else I will have to start in on dear, darling, Dex and you we _know_ you wouldn’t appreciate that.”

“Ladies, ladies, there are plenty of fellas on that field to go around. _Plus_ , there is _me_. At least for you ‘Mands, so ya know… _focus_ ,” Pete winked.

Helena rolled her eyes, “I can honestly say I have no idea what any of you have just said.”

Myka chuckled, “Sorry Swagger, Amanda and I have a little bit of favorite player rivalry, we can get a little carried away.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “Only because you fail to see reason and realize that you have _horrible_ taste.”

Myka looked exaggeratedly between Helena and Pete, “Between the two of us? I would say that I have _excellent_ taste.”

Pete clapped his hands together, “Ooooooook, before I feel horrendously offended by that comment, let’s get inside shall we?”

**

“Wow…” Helena let out a near-awed gasp as they made their way to their seats along the first base line.

Myka pressed her hand into the small of Helena’s back, guiding her towards their row, “Is that a good wow there Swagger?”

“I just didn’t expect it to be so…”

Myka followed Helena’s eyes to where they were staring at the view of the mountains over the left field wall, “Beautiful, huh?”

“It really is.”

“One of the many reasons this is one of my favorite places on earth.”

“Yeah, the view _and_ the fact that it is where our incredible, _beautiful_ friendship began right, Mykes?” Pete peeked over her shoulder.

“Oh yes, that is absolutely it.”

They settled into their seats, Myka and Pete immediately burying their heads together to fill out a scorecard, all the while muttering inaudible commentary on the day’s lineup. Helena peered over their prone bodies, eyeing Amanda, “Are they always like this?”

“Welcome to Myka, Pete, and the Rockies, H.G. It is a never-ending love affair.”

“I didn’t realize we had quite so much competition,” Helena chuckled.

“The season ends in September…”

“October!” Myka and Pete piped in.

Amanda rolled her eyes, “Fine, _October_ , if you’re delusional and feeling overly optimistic. After that, they’ll go back to normal.”

Myka chuckled, shooting a teasing grin towards Amanda, “You say all of this as though _you_ weren’t the one who sat down at the beginning of the season and mapped out all the games we were going to.”

Pete chimed in, “Check out the wallpaper on her phone. Opening day came and my ass was replaced by Dex. I am no competition for a starting center fielder apparently.”

“Ok, someone _please_ explain the nicknames. That’s all I’m asking,” Helena chuckled.

Myka sat back up, tucking an arm around Helena’s shoulders, “Alright, quick favorite player rundown. And _no_ I don’t expect you to remember all of this…but Amanda’s guy is right there,” Myka’s finger pointed towards the dead center of the outfield, “Dexter Fowler, he plays center field.”

“And your beloved _Troy_ was it?” Helena smirked.

Myka grinned brightly, “Right there,” her finger trailed up the field to the left side, “the guy with the number 2 on his jersey. Troy Tulowitzki. He plays shortstop, which is the space between second and third base.” Myka’s fingers pointed to various parts of the field as she explained.

Helena’s forehead crinkled, “This is going to take some time to figure out.”

Myka pressed a kiss to her temple, “Don’t worry about it Swagger, eventually you’ll get the hang of it, and all that matters is that you have a good time.”

“And that they win,” Amanda chimed in.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Well that goes without saying.”

Helena gave a tiny smile, “I may regret asking this, but how long have the three of you been doing this?”

“Oh Lord,” Pete starting ticking off years on his fingers, “Mykes and I have been coming since freshman year. I wasn’t kidding when I said our friendship started here. I had an extra ticket to a game the week after we had met, I had mentioned it in passing, and God she practically tackled me for it. It’s kind of been our thing ever since.”

Myka gave him a soft smile, “He was much less annoying when his exuberance was being directed towards sports instead of me.”

Amanda rubbed her hand against the back of Pete’s head, “That’s true. Our first date was a game actually.”

Pete beamed, “Hey, hey, hey, I knew I couldn’t date someone who didn’t love baseball. Figured might as well figure it out right away.”

Myka turned back to Helena, “Eventually, it just kind of became our thing.”

Helena pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “Well, hopefully, it will someday be my thing too.”

Myka grinned, “Hate to tell ya, but once you’ve come to one game…”

“Per usual, H.G. You’re stuck with us,” Pete winked.

Helena gave Myka a soft smile, “I think I’m ok with that.”

**

Midway through the third inning, Helena agreed to accompany Amanda to get the four of them food, leaving Pete and Myka alone, and thus giving Pete a chance to say what had been on his mind for the last hour. He bumped into her shoulder lightly, “Mykes, you ok?”

Myka gave him a tight smile that she knew he would see was half-hearted, “Honestly? I am and I am very much not.”

Pete turned his full attention to her, eyes immediately darkening in concern, “I knew it. I could tell, I mean you seem totally like _you_ , but there’s just something…off. Are you and H.G. ok?”

Myka’s eyes widened, “Yes, yes, absolutely. No, it’s not her or us. I mean, it kind of is, but no, we’re fine.”

“Mykes…you’re stumbling into rambling, and we’ve got about ten minutes before those two are back. So spill, but in coherent sentences please.”

She sighed, “Helena told me about what Fargo talked to you guys about yesterday, about the whole needing a ballad thing. So, we spent last night looking through her old journals, trying to figure out if there was already something there that could be used. Well, we found something…but…but it’s a song she wrote about me, and she said she wouldn’t want to do it except as a duet and then I mentioned Claudia and she said that wasn’t really what she would want…”

“Wait a second. H.G. asked you to record something with her? With us?”

“No! I mean not really. She didn’t ask at all, she just said that it’s what she envisioned for this particular song. She didn’t push me Pete.” Myka laid a light hand against Pete’s knee, she could feel the tension rising in him, the immediate need to protect her against anything that might be too much. She appreciated it, but she really didn’t need his overprotective tendencies being directed towards Helena, especially when it wasn’t necessary. “She really didn’t ask, but it did get me thinking, I mean…it would be amazing to do that with her, and this song is incredible, and I could hear it, the second she said it, I could hear us doing it, I just don’t know if I _could_.”

Pete took a deep breath, “That has to be your call and no one else’s Myka.”

“I know, but what do you think? Honestly?”

Pete ran his hands over his head, pressing and tugging at his hat, “I don’t know Mykes. I mean, on the one hand, I think it would be amazing to have that experience with you, and I’m sure that you and H.G. would kill the hell out of whatever it is. It would be great to see you back in that place again. But…but I can’t help but worry about what that would do to you. I would only be ok with it if you knew for certain that you were going to be absolutely ok with it, that you could handle it. I’ve seen how much it takes for you to get worked up and ready for playing at the Regents, and that’s a very known quantity. This…this would be something else entirely.”

“I know, and I want to handle it, Pete. I want to handle it, for her, for you guys.”

“Hey. No, no, no, no. You don’t do this for her. You don’t do this for me or Claud or for Steve or for anyone else. Myka, this is about you. If you do this, you do it because you want to, not because you feel obligated or guilty or forced.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “She _did not_ push this Pete. Please believe that.”

“I do, Mykes. You know I trust H.G. I just…you’re always my number one priority with stuff like this. There’s no compromising on that.”

“I know, and I love you for that. God, I just don’t know what to do,” Myka sighed and ran her hands through her hair, tugging out her ponytail so she could push her fingers through her curls.

Pete reached over and grabbed one of her hands, “You do what _you_ think is best for _you_ , Myka. Nothing more, nothing less. You figure out if this is what you want, if this is something you can handle, if this is something that will be good for you, and then you make a decision. _However_ , for now, you enjoy being in your favorite place, with your favorite people, and you don’t think about anything else. You focus on your _lady_ and the fact that your _fella_ is already two for two today, with an RBI.”

“That’s my boy.”

Pete gave her a quick wink, before his face stole back into a more somber look, “I am serious though Myka. Don’t think about this now. Enjoy the day, and figure it out when you’re ready. Nothing has to be decided immediately.”

Myka gave him a grateful smile and leaned over to place a small kiss to his cheek, “I love you Lattimer.”

“Love you too tall gal. Now, let’s see if the Rocks can keep this momentum up.” He gave her a goofy grin before letting out a ridiculously loud whistle, followed be an even louder cheer for the leadoff batter. Myka just shook her head and laughed. Pete was right. She could deal with everything else another day.

**

Helena sank into bed next to Myka, glad to finally have the comfort of the blankets around her. After the game, the four of them had gone out to dinner, opting to sit outside on the deck of the restaurant to enjoy the warmth that had finally descended upon Colorado. Dinner had quickly turned into a movie night at Pete and Amanda’s, and honestly, though it had been a wonderful day, Helena was exhausted. It certainly didn’t help that as the day had worn on, a slight tinge of weight and tension had settled over her and Myka, their unsettled conversation from the previous night hanging over them like an oppressive cloud. She glanced over to where Myka was nestled against the pillows reading. She could see the nervousness firing just below the surface of Myka’s demeanor, in the way her eyes weren’t moving as fast as they usually did over the page, in the way that she hadn’t subtly moved closer to Helena once she slid into bed. It made a pang of fear race through Helena’s brain, but she was almost too tired to deal with it though, so she pulled her own book off the nightstand and attempted her own vain attempt at reading. 

She got a couple of pages in before she started reading the same sentence over and over again. The silence between them was not only deafening, but so uncommon that it made Helena’s hands itch with anxiety. Usually, even when they were reading, they carried a small level of commentary between each other, making passing comments about what was happening in their respective books, or remembering something they hadn’t shared about their days. Tonight though, there was nothing. Finally, though she didn’t take her eyes off of her book, Helena let her voice escape her throat, “I’m sorry about last night. I never should have brought up my intentions for that song. It was a mistake.”

She heard Myka’s book snap shut, felt her rustle next to her, the bed dipping with Myka’s quick movement onto her side, but Helena didn’t budge, frozen by fear and worry. Myka’s voice drifted into her ears as though from far away, “No, Helena, it wasn’t a mistake. You shouldn’t feel like you have to censor that stuff. I don’t _want_ you to. I don’t need to be protected.” 

Helena gave a small, barely noticeable, involuntary flinch at the way Myka’s voice bit out the last word, like it was poison in her mouth. That tone finally got Helena to move, to shut her own book, and look Myka in the eye, feeling her own features flaring to life, “I’m not trying to _protect_ you Myka, but I _am_ trying to _respect_ you and what you want out of life. You’ve been abundantly clear about how hard that side of things still is for you, so I’m not going to sit here and ignore the fact that I feel guilty for feeling like I pushed you. I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t regret it, especially when it’s led to this strange sense of tension between us. And I feel that I must point out that _loving_ you is _not_ the same as _coddling_ you.” Helena knew she was being blunt, maybe _too_ blunt, but she couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of irritation at what Myka’s words seemed to be implying, that she was just like everyone else, that she was doing what everyone always did to her. She watched as her words sank in to Myka, the way that they instantly caused her features to fall, to shift, to ebb into something resembling guilt. 

Myka shook her head slightly, biting down on her lip. Helena’s words had hit a little too hard, because they were true. Myka _knew_ they were true, and she knew that she shouldn’t have intimated that she felt like Helena was coddling her, not when Helena had never even come close to that. “I…I know. I’m sorry, I had no right to say that because you have been nothing but supportive. You’ve pushed at the right times and you’ve backed off when you felt like you needed to. You’ve been incredible. It’s just...”

Helena reached out and linked her fingers with Myka’s, giving them a small squeeze, “I know, love. I know you don’t want you’ve experienced in the past, and I’m trying to tell you that _this_ is not _that_. If you told me right now that you wanted to do it, I would say ok, without question. However, knowing that it’s weighing on you…I _do_ feel guilty because I feel like I pushed, and I didn’t intend to, and I don’t like being the cause of you having all this indecision hanging around you.”

“It’s not you though… _you_ are not the cause of this. I don’t feel like you pushed. It all just took me a bit by surprise and I’m trying to figure that out. Please do not think that I’m upset with you about this. I’m not _upset_ at all. I’m just…tangled.”

Helena’s lips curved in a miniscule smirk, a mere twitch of the corners of her mouth, “Do you require untangling love?”

Myka let out the ghost of a laugh, “I think I do.”

Helena adjusted her body to mirror Myka’s position, keeping their fingers linked as they laid facing each other, “Would it help if I said I’m inclined to completely forget last night’s conversation? That I think we should just ignore that it happened?”

Myka’s eyes darkened into something unreadable, “What if I don’t want to forget it…”

“Myka…”

“I’m serious, Swagger. I don’t want to ignore that this is on the table. It’s not that I’m sure I want to do it, _but_ I am really torn about it, because I think it could be incredible. I’m just…I’m just not sure if I’m ready.”

Helena considered Myka’s words, the newfound calm that seemed to be exuding from her body. She raised their entwined hands up to her lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Myka’s hand, “Understandable darling. Nothing has to be decided right this second, and if you want it to be, then for now, it is still on the table, but I’m not going to rush you on this. Take your time, and in the interim I’ll attempt to start working on something new so Fargo won’t murder me.”

Myka raised an eyebrow, “Speaking of offers still on the table… _that one_ still stands. I am more than willing to help you on that front. I think it’d be kind of fun to write together.”

“I don’t know…Claudia might get upset with me if I find another writing partner…” Helena teased.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Claudia has enough things to worry about right now, without worrying that I’m going to steal you away from her…”

“No one is stealing me from anyone…well…unless they happen to play catcher for your beloved Rockies…”

Myka’s jaw dropped in a wide smile, “I knew it! You _totally_ had a good time today, didn’t you?”

Helena’s eyes shot towards the ceiling, “I might have.”

“If you’ve claimed a player, you absolutely did.”

“Well, he’s no _Troy_ , but I do believe Chris Iannetta and I are in for a very long, lovely courtship.”

Myka leaned in a pressed a peck to Helena’s lips, “You’re adorable.”

“Thank you. Though I still maintain, it is basically glorified cricket…”

Myka kept her lips close to Helena’s, “Call it what you want Swagger, you’re hooked.”

“On my baseball loving girlfriend yes…”

“Before long you’ll never even notice I’m sitting next to you…”

Helena closed the miniscule gap between them, “Impossible love.”

**

The next Saturday was so normal it felt strange. For the first time in what felt like months, the band decided to practice in preparation for several bigger gigs the next week. It gave Myka an odd sense of comfort, this small return to normalcy, though she knew it would be short lived. She tried to hold on to that sense of peace all the while she resisted the urge to attempt to reach through the phone and strangle her banker, “No, Chuck, I’m telling you that Leena can have full access to the accounts. We came in last week and added her into the system. Chris had told me everything should be set, but now we’re sitting here and trying to get her logged on, but it’s not working.”

Chuck’s voice came across slightly harried and a bit confused, “So wait, if we’re adding Leena does that mean that we’re taking Claudia _off_ the books?”

Myka groaned and gripped her fingers through her hair, this shouldn’t be this complicated, “No. Claudia stays on. Here’s what’s happening, Leena is our new manager, so she needs access to the financials. Claudia and I’s positions aren’t changing at all, Claudia is _still_ remaining on as a name partner. _All_ I want is for Leena to be able to look at the bank accounts.”

Chuck gave a relieved sigh, “Ok, _that_ is a problem I can solve. I’m sorry Myka. The notes that Chris left me were fuzzy. He made it seem like you were removing Claudia as a partner.”

“No, definitely not. Everything stays the same, just one new person on the account.”

“Ok, let me work on a few things here on my end. It should be set before we close today.”

“As long as she can get in on Monday, that’s fine.”

“Not a problem.”

“Ok, thanks Chuck.”

“Anytime Myka, sorry again for the confusion.”

Myka hung up and let out a slow breath. She gave Leena an apologetic look, “Someday we will have this transition figured out.”

Leena gave her a serene smile, “It’s alright, Myka. I think we’re doing alright with what we’ve got going right now. We’ll get there.”

“You’re sure you feel comfortable? I feel like I’m a horrible boss, giving you all this information, only to have it change the next day.”

Leena chuckled warmly, “You’re doing just fine. You and Claud have had your own system for years, it was bound to take awhile for us to get into a new rhythm.”

“Thank God you are so understanding.”

“I would second that, seeing as I’m about to prey upon that understanding nature,” Helena leaned over the counter with a sly smile.

Myka gave her a playful smirk, “What are you planning to do with my employee Swagger?”

“I’m actually not doing anything to _her_ , but rather I’m stealing _you_.”

Myka’s eyes widened, “Me?”

Helena rolled her eyes with a small puff of laughter, “Yes darling, you.” Helena turned towards Leena with a far too charming smile, “Leena, would you mind terribly if Claudia took over for Myka with you today?”

Leena simply continued to smile warmly, as though in on the secret, “Not at all, H.G. Maybe _you_ can get this stressed out look off of her face before Monday morning.” Leena gave Myka a soft push out from behind the counter, while winking swiftly at Helena.

Helena let out a small laugh, “That is rather the plan.” She tugged Myka towards her, giving her a small peck, “Go grab your purse love, and maybe your book.”

“I am _so_ confused about what is happening right now,” Myka chuckled.

“What’s happening darling is that I am stealing you for the day.”

“Oh that clears everything right up.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Just go get your things, insufferable woman.”

Myka came back downstairs with her bag and book as requested. Claudia and Leena were already elbow deep in guitar magazines, with Claudia rambling a million miles a minute about orders and procedures and what were the best companies to work with. Myka could see Leena’s eyes continuing to grow wider and wider at the sheer exuberance coming off of Claudia. She leaned over the counter, wrapping a hand around Leena’s wrist, “Don’t panic. Claudia simply gets a bit _excited_ about her guitars. I don’t expect you to share that…enthusiasm.”

Claudia gave her an incredulous glare, “My _enthusiasm_ makes us a lot of money there Cap’n.”

“That it does. Just don’t scare Leena off, I’m quite happy having her around.”

Claudia shrugged, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Myka moved over to where Helena was leaning against the door frame, fingers gliding over her phone. She bumped her hip against Helena’s, “So…rumor has it you’re stealing me.”

Helena smirked, “It just so happens you’re lucky enough for that rumor to be true.” Helena slid her hand into Myka’s and pulled her out the door. Claudia’s voice echoed towards them with a teasing tone, “Go get your _game_ on H.G.!”

Helena steered them towards her car, but when Myka moved to get into the passenger side, Helena pulled her back, “No, just need to grab something is all.”

Myka gave her a quizzical look as she leaned into her backseat, coming back out with a small cooler in hand. Myka arched an eyebrow at her, “Clearly, this stealing has been well thought out.”

Helena just shrugged and relinked their hands, setting their steps towards the woods near the store, the woods where they had first run into each other running. They walked in silence for several, peaceful moments before Myka gave their entwined hands a squeeze, “So are you going to let me in on the big secret or am I bound to be confused for the rest of the day?”

Helena gave a small ghost of a smile, “No secret really, except for the fact that for the first time in _months_ it is gloriously, blissfully _warm_.”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “Yeah…”

Helena smirked, “It’s warm…which means…”

Myka let out a loud shout of laughter, “Oh God, this is warm weather you isn’t it?”

“If warm weather me happens to be the me who enjoys planning surprise dates for her girlfriend so that we can have a little bit of relaxed, calm alone time together, than _yes_ this is warm weather me. Complaints?”

Myka leaned down to press a kiss to Helena’s already sun-warmed cheek, “Never. I gotta say warm weather you is pretty cute.”

**

They tucked themselves away in a small clearing near the stream that flowed through the woods to eat the lunch that Helena had made them. Though Myka continued to tease and poke away at Helena’s alleged “warm weather attitudes” she couldn’t help but feel a calmness, a peace descend upon them in a way that they hadn’t felt since those beginning weeks when they were just beginning. Myka took a slow sip of her iced tea before sprawling out on the blanket, head in Helena’s lap, letting out a contented sigh when Helena’s fingers immediately stole into her curls, “This is perfect. Insanely perfect. I officially _love_ warm weather you.”

Helena chuckled, “I didn’t realize it was up for debate darling.”

Myka gave her a playful smirk, “When the comparison is cold weather you, who happens to adore being kissed in the middle of blizzards, it was bound to be a hard competition.”

Helena rolled her eyes and leaned down awkwardly to set a small kiss to Myka’s lips, “Well, I’m glad that I was able to make a good case for my warm weather self.”

“Absolutely. Though I’m still waiting on the rainy day date with you. You keep denying me the chance to see you in your natural British habitat.”

Helena tugged at one of Myka’s curls, “Do not make me regret stealing you Myka Bering.”

Myka just let out a wave of laughter and tugged her book out of her bag, settling further against Helena’s lap, “Hate to break it to ya Swagger, but you stole me a long time ago…you’re kind of stuck with me.”

“You are a hopeless sap darling.”

“Says the woman who planned a picnic for us…”

“Touché love.”

They read in comfortable silence, letting the warm wash of the near summer heat descend around them. Eventually Helena made a makeshift pillow out of both of their purses so that she could read more comfortably laying down, but Myka remained entrenched where she was, head perfectly balanced against Helena’s thigh, simply stating that she was perfectly content where she was. Eventually, Helena felt a small tug against her fingers. Peering over her book she found Myka staring at her with an inscrutable look, “Need something Sleepy?”

Myka gave her a soft smile and pulled her hand away from her book, placing a small kiss against her fingertips, “Not really. I just wanted to say thank you.”

“For serving as your human pillow? You’re quite welcome, though you _will_ be rubbing my back later in repayment.”

Myka chuckled softly, “I can do that, but no, not for that. For _this_. For today. For giving us a few hours peace away from everything.”

Helena traced light fingertips over Myka’s cheek, “You’re quite welcome. I figured we could use a day like this.”

Before Myka could say anything her phone began vibrating. She rolled her eyes, “See? I totally jinxed us. I take one second to appreciate the peace and quiet and then it’s ruined.”

“Not ruined darling, just temporarily interrupted. Take the call. It’s ok.”

Myka grimaced, “If it was anyone else, I would ignore it, but it’s Tracy…”

“Answer it love.”

Myka sighed, “Hey Trace.”

Helena smiled surreptitiously as she heard Tracy’s voice come through the phone, “My son would like to talk to you.”

Myka laughed, “Hello to you too.”

Tracy groaned, “Hello dearest, but seriously, my son has incessantly been asking to talk to you for an hour, despite the fact that he knows I’m attempting to get some work done this afternoon.”

“On a Saturday?”

“I cannot tell you how awful work has been, don’t get me started. Let’s just leave it with, yes, I’m working on a Saturday, and my son is about to lose his mind if he doesn’t talk to you.”

“Well then, hand the boy the phone.” Myka gave Helena a quick smile and wink as she waited for Ethan to come on the line.

It took a few moments of shuffling, but eventually his tiny voice came through sounding extremely determined, “Aunt Monkey, it’s warm.”

Myka bit back her laughter. Ethan’s tone indicated he was in too serious of a mindset to be toyed with, “That it is little man.”

“Mommy’s working.”

“That’s what she told me. She also told me you kept bugging her because you wanted to talk to me.”

“I want you to come fly me.”

Myka’s fingers immediately stole up to pinch the bridge of her nose, “Oh buddy…I would love to…”

“Then come fly me. Mommy said she has to work, and Daddy’s not here.”

Myka’s gaze stole to where Helena was sitting up and starting to collect their things, putting them back into their bags. She sighed, “Bud, what if I _promise_ to come see you next weekend?”

“I miss you Aunt Monkey.”

Myka rolled her eyes, God this kid was his mother through and through, he knew just which buttons to push, “I miss you too little man. Listen, can I talk to Mommy for a second?”

Immediately, Tracy was back on the line, “Myka, you do not have to come up here. He is in a _mood_ , and I just have a bit more to do here and then I can get him out of the house.”

Helena’s fingers pushed against Myka’s back, inching her off the blanket so that she could start folding it. Myka gave her a confused look, and turned her attention back to Tracy, “He’s killin’ me with the missing me tone.”

“I know, but you don’t have to give in. Seriously, Myka, it’s ok.”

Myka sighed, “It’s just…” 

Before she could finish her sentence, Helena was grabbing hold of her hand and pulling her onto her feet, declaring, “You’re going to Boulder.”

“What?”  
“Is that _her_?”

Myka and Tracy’s voices cut across each other.

Myka looked at Helena curiously, “Trace, hold on a sec.” She covered up the phone with her hand, “Swagger, what the hell are you talking about?”

Helena gave her a spectacular eye roll, “You are insane if you think I’m going to ignore the fact that your nephew is begging for your presence.”

“Yes, he is, but Helena, you’ve had this whole day planned…”

Helena shrugged, “Plans change, sometimes for very good reasons. The tone of that boy’s voice is a very good reason.”

Myka looked at her watch, “It would take me an hour and a half to get there…”

“Who cares? Myka, you’re going.”

Myka took a deep breath, her mind immediately stealing back to the morning of Ethan’s party, to the realization that she wanted Helena to have gone with her, how maybe if she had things might have been different. She gave Helena a satisfied smile, “Fine, I’m going, but _you_ are too.”

Helena’s eyes widened, but Myka was already back on the phone, “Alright Trace, tell the little man we’ll be there soon.”

“ _We’ll_? Holy shit, that was her wasn’t it? You’re totally with Helena right now, and my son is the world’s worst wingman.”

“He’s nothing of the kind, but yes, we were kind of out and about today, but we can head up. She’s rather _insistent_ that we do actually.”

“Oh hell yes she is, because, despite previous protestations, now _I’m_ demanding you come and that you bring her with you.”

“So maybe your son is the world’s _best_ wingman…for you. He’s helping you accomplish all kinds of Bering subterfuge and he doesn’t even realize it.”

“He is officially the best son ever. Get in the car, we’ll see you soon.”

“ _Bye_ Trace.” Myka disconnected the call and came face to face with a very nervous Helena Wells, “You alright there Swagger?”

“Myka… you don’t have to bring me with you.”

Myka’s eyes softened and steeled somehow all at once, “Why on earth would I _not_ want you to come with me?”

Helena groaned, “I don’t know…I just don’t want you feeling forced into this because I was here when you got that call.”

Myka placed careful hands against Helena’s shoulders, “Swagger, listen to me. I want nothing more than for you to come with me. I know…I know sometimes I’m not so good with all the sharing and the opening my life up thing, but _this_? This is easy. Ethan and Tracy are two of the most important people in my life, and _you_ are the person I love most in the world, how could I not want those things to be combined?”

“I don’t know…I’m sorry.”

Myka leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to Helena’s lips, “Do not apologize. This _is_ a slightly unorthodox first meeting situation, and listen, if you aren’t ready, you don’t have to come, and I will absolutely _get_ that. Just, please don’t skip out because you think I don’t want you there…that could not be further from the truth.”

“I want to come…and from the sounds of it, your sister might never forgive me if I bail, and that’s not exactly the kind of first impression I would like to make.”

Myka groaned, “Tracy is certifiable and she would deal, and I will warn you now to ignore ninety-five percent of everything she says this afternoon.”

“That is the same advice you gave me the day we met, only it was about Pete.”

“Trust me, it will not take you long to realize that that comparison is _not_ far off.”

“Well then, we shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

Before Helena could start walking, Myka tucked an arm around her waist and pulled her into a long, slow kiss. When they parted, she leaned her forehead against Helena’s, “I’m kind of really glad I got that call. _Not_ because I wanted our date cut short, but well…I know it’s kind of the day we don’t talk about, but when I went to Ethan’s birthday party, all I kept thinking about is how I wished you were there with me. I _want_ you to meet them. I’ve wanted you to meet them for a long time, so for me this isn’t a wholly bad turn of events.”

Helena smiled, deeply, genuinely, “I must admit, I rather agree. I’ve been looking forward to meeting them…a lot. Though I must say, you will need to explain the whole ‘fly me’ thing.”

Myka laughed, “We pretend he’s an airplane. I hold him up and run all over the place with him, making extremely embarrassing noises. It’s kind of our summertime thing.”

“You are adorable, and we should get going. Wouldn’t want to deprive you of flying time, now would we?”

**

Myka was barely out of the car before Ethan’s tiny body was running towards her and slamming against her knees, “Aunt Monkey!”

She let out a small grunt as she fell back against her car door, trying to regain her balance before reaching down and scooping him up in her arms, “Hey little man.”

He wrapped his arms around her neck squeezing tightly, “You came to visit!”

She chuckled into his curls, “Of course I did. You said you missed me, how could I _not_ come see you?”

Ethan pulled back and looked at her seriously, “Did you miss me?”

“I absolutely missed you,” she pecked a kiss to his nose.

Myka watched as Ethan’s eyes tracked away from her to the other side of her car, where Helena was leaning uneasily against the roof. He turned back, looking at Myka quizzically, “Aunt Monkey, who’s that?”

Myka looked over her shoulder with a smile, waving Helena over towards them with a nod of her head. She readjusted Ethan in her arms, so that she could slip an arm around Helena’s waist, while still holding him tightly, “Ethan, this is Helena. Helena, this,” she gave him a tight squeeze, “is Ethan.”

Helena gave him a bright, though nervous smile, “Nice to meet you Ethan.”

Ethan gave her a scrutinizing look, before smiling and looking at Myka, “She talks funny, Aunt Monkey.”

Myka burst out laughing, “Yes, she does. She’s from a _whole_ different country, so she talks a bit differently.”

Ethan’s eyes widened, “Did you take an _airplane_ to get here?”

Helena chuckled, “Not today, but yes, I did have to take an airplane to get here.”

Ethan’s jaw dropped as he looked at Myka, “That’s so cool.” He leaned over out of Myka’s hold, reaching for Helena, who immediately took him in her arms, despite being surprised at the extremely warm welcome. Once settled in Helena’s arms, he looked at her seriously, “Aunt Monkey is here to fly me. I love airplanes.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Will you tell me about flying on a plane? Daddy flies _all_ the time.”

Helena smiled warmly, “Sure.”

Myka started to move away from the car and towards the house where Tracy was standing on the porch, incredulous smile on her face, though she attempted to hide it behind her fingers. Myka listened as Helena and Ethan kept up a steady stream of questions and answers behind her, trying to hold back the warmth and contentment that was threatening to burst through her chest. She walked up the stairs of the porch, giving Tracy a tight hug, before turning back to where Ethan had settled Helena against the bottom step, words going a mile a minute. Myka arched an eyebrow at Tracy, “And here I thought he missed me…little did I know I would be tossed aside so quickly.”

“My son, the lady’s man.”

“Something like that. He needs to work on his opening lines though. The first thing he said was that she talked funny.”

Tracy chuckled, “All part of his charm.”

“Funny that’s what I usually say about her _and_ her accent.”

Tracy bumped against Myka’s shoulder, “So are you going to introduce me or just let Ethan monopolize all of her time?”

Myka bit her lip in mock consideration, “Letting Ethan keep her out of your clutches _is_ wildly tempting.”

Tracy groaned, “You have been allowing our mother to have lunch with that woman multiple times a month, _I_ am a cake walk compared to that.”

Myka was about to respond when Helena’s voice floated up to them, “I’m half-tempted to threaten you that I will tell your mother you said that…”

Tracy let out a puff of laughter, “Oh she’s feisty, I like her already.” She skipped down the flight of stairs and sunk down next to Helena, “Threaten all you want, my mother would probably agree with the sentiment.” She bumped lightly against Helena’s shoulder, “I’m Tracy by the way, since my sister is abhorrent at introductions and my son is very rude in his tendencies to hog people’s attention.”

Helena gave Tracy a glowing smile, “I think the combination of the two of us makes her nervous, therefore she was simply trying to delay the inevitable. Also, though I’m sure you’ve gathered as much by now, I’m Helena.”

Ethan’s voice piped up, “ ‘Elena sounds like elephant.”

Helena arched an eyebrow at him, small smile tugging at her lips, before shrugging, “It does, doesn’t it?”

“Yup.” 

“Well, if you want you _can_ call me H.G.”

Ethan giggled, “Nope, elephant works.”

“Ethan!” Tracy groaned, “I’m sorry…he has a thing for animals.”

Helena chuckled, “It’s quite alright, Tracy. My niece and nephew called me much worse when they were his age.” Helena looked over her shoulder to where Myka was still standing at the top of the stairs, “Are you going to stay up there all afternoon darling?”

Myka blushed. She had been so caught up in the ease with which Helena had sank into the situation that she was afraid to move, to breath, for fear that it would disappear. Seeing her here, with her family, it was overwhelming and wonderful and everything Myka didn’t even realize she had hoped for. She shook herself from her reveries, “ _No_ , though I will admit the thought of you two ganging up on me is not a pleasant prospect.”

Tracy winked, “We’ll try to behave.”

Ethan tugged on Helena’s shirt sleeve, while Myka settled herself down next to him, “Aunt Monkey bought me an elephant for Christmas.”

“I know she did! Do you want to know a secret?”

Ethan’s eyes grew wide, “Yeah!”

Helena whispered, “I helped her pick it out…”

Ethan turned to Myka, “Is that true?”

Myka ruffled his curls, “It is little man.”

“I’m going to go get him!” Ethan’s little feet stomped up the stairs, immediately running into the house.

Tracy sighed, “He is something else.”

Myka scooted closer to Helena, wrapping an arm around her waist, leaning over her to give Tracy an incredulous eye roll, “He’s your son is what he is.”

“God help us all…”

“No truer statement has ever been said.”

Helena chuckled at the small banter, then eyed Myka playfully, “Apparently we’ve been dubbed monkey and elephant. I don’t quite know what to think of that…”

Tracy laughed, “Whatever you do don’t fight it. Myka tried for months, and it just made him more determined.”

Ethan’s footsteps came echoing back through the house. He came back down the stairs, eyeing the space that was no longer available between Myka and Helena, but just shrugged his shoulders and sank onto Myka’s lap. He handed Helena the elephant, “Will you hold him?”

Helena gave him a bright smile, “Of course.”

“Aunt Monkey…you’re supposed to fly me.”

“Am I really?” Myka tickled his sides making him squeal and squirm in between shouts of “Yes you are!” Finally, Myka relented, “Alright, flying time. Let’s go little man.”

Ethan stood up quickly, before giving Helena a serious look, “Take care of him,” he pointed at his elephant.

Helena nodded, “I will, don’t worry.”

He tore out into the front lawn, legs flailing, screaming out, “Come on Aunt Monkey!”

Myka sighed around a laugh. She turned to Helena and Tracy, skeptical look on her face, as she considered leaving the two of them alone. She groaned, “Please be good…”

Both of them gave her playful, affronted looks. Tracy scoffed, “Which one of us are you talking to dearest?”

Myka let out a long breath, eyeing them and their smirks, her shoulders sagged in defeat, “Ugh! Both!”

Helena chuckled and slid closer to Tracy, “I don’t believe she trusts us very much.”

“She probably has good reason to not, I suppose…”

“Valid point.”

Myka sighed, “Oh my God, ok, I’m going to play with him and pretend that whatever conversation is about to happen, simply _isn’t_ going to happen.”

“You do that darling. We’ll just be here on our best behavior.”

“Uh huh,” Myka leaned down and pressed a kiss to Helena’s lips, whispering, “Remember what I said about Pete…”

Helena chuckled, “Duly noted love. Go entertain your nephew.”

Tracy waited until Myka was out of earshot before shooting Helena a look, “She told you to ignore whatever I say, didn’t she?”

Helena couldn’t control the laughter that burst from her lungs, “That is _exactly_ what she told me.”

Tracy shook her head, “She worries too much. Though, I’ve come to realize that my big sister only tends to worry about things like this when she’s genuinely happy, so I guess that’s kind of a good sign.”

Helena smiled softly, eyes contentedly staying on Myka who was running Ethan all over the front yard, “I’d definitely take that as a good sign.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Myka happy, like genuinely happy. I had actually started to wonder if it would ever happen…and then she told me she met you…” Tracy paused with a chuckle, “Ok I’m starting to see her point about ignoring me, because she would definitely kill me if she knew I was saying any of this.”

Helena shared Tracy’s laughter, “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. You aren’t the first person to say something along those lines to me though…you and your mother have quite similar opinions on that front. So I’ve had a bit of practice with keeping the secrets you Bering women share with me.”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “God bless you for dealing with our mother’s _tactics_ , she has a tendency to be nosy. Don’t get me wrong, I love that woman like crazy, but man sometimes she is such a… _mother_.”

“And I’m sure Ethan will never say such a thing about you one day,” Helena smirked.

“No, absolutely not, ever. I’m never going to let him out of the house, so there won’t be a need for me to scare off the suitors that come knocking down the door for him.”

“Good luck with that. My niece just started kindergarten and my brother said she already has a boyfriend…”

Tracy hung her head in her hands, “Ugh, that’s horrifying and terrifying and kind of adorable and will be my fate soon enough since he is not far off from starting school.”

“They grow up fast…”

“How many nieces and nephews do you have?”

“Two, one of each, both of them are my brother Charles’ children. Anna is five, Philip is eight. They drive each other crazy, and yet are somehow still inseparable.”

“That sounds about right. Myka and I were like that. We were at each other’s throats most of the time, but if someone ever went at one of us, the other was right there. She was sort of the perfect big sister that way, still is actually. That must be hard though, being away from your family. I couldn’t imagine if Myka lived an entire ocean away…”

Helena bit down on her lip slightly. She usually wasn’t quite this _open_ with someone she had just met, but there was something about Tracy’s casual intimacy that made her feel relaxed and willing to share. She took a deep breath, “It is…the holidays in particular are tough, however, my brother and I aren’t quite as close and you and Myka. The distance tends to work for us better than if we lived close enough to see each other frequently. Being away from the kids though…that is…well it’s difficult.”

“Distance is a gloriously shitty thing. It makes everything ten times harder than it should be.”

“Indeed…”

They lapsed into a small silence, watching Myka twirl Ethan around the front yard. At one point, she flipped him around in such a way that made Helena gasp, unsure how they both managed to stay upright. Tracy chuckled, “You’ll get used to that. He tends to turn her into a bit of a daredevil. Myka! Do not drop my child!”

Myka just shot her a quick glare, holding Ethan to her so he couldn’t see the middle finger she directed Tracy’s way.

Helena laughed, “You’re a beacon of maturity darling.”

Myka stuck her tongue out at her, pulling a face, “I am not adverse to flying _you_ Helena Wells.”

“I’m perfectly content where I am love.”

“Uh huh, I’m sure. Hearing all my sister’s evil secrets about me.”

Tracy grinned evilly, “Oh I was just getting to those don’t worry.”

Helena and Tracy laughed as Myka hugged Ethan tighter to her, shouting, “At least _he_ loves me. You’d never tell anyone my secrets would you little man?”

He gave her a huge grin, “Never!”

Helena watched with a growing sense of contentment and warmth as Myka set him down and proceeded to chase him around the front yard, both of their giggles drifting over to the porch. Helena smiled, “She’s so good with him.”

Tracy nodded, “She really is. I love watching them together. They make each other so happy.”

An odd twist settled into Helena’s stomach as her mind hurtled her towards the future. They had talked in vague generalities about the kind of future they wanted, that they wanted a marriage and roots and a _life_ , but they’d never allowed their conversations to wander to kids. Helena always wondered if Myka avoided it simply because she knew how sensitive of a subject it was for her, but watching Myka with Ethan, Helena couldn’t help but wonder if Myka would want this for them. Seeing how happy Myka was, how content, it made Helena realize that maybe this was what _she_ wanted for them too, though she had never imagined wanting that again. She forced herself to pull out of her reverie, looking over to Tracy, “So, Myka mentioned you had been working today, and I realized I have no idea what you do.”

“I’m a freelance writer. I tend to do a lot of political coverage, which can be spectacularly dull, but also kind of interesting. I’m trying to work on a book at the moment, but it’s slow going, since I’ve been doing the single parent thing a bit more than usual lately.”

Helena took in the way Tracy’s forehead pinched together, much like Myka’s did when she was trying to fight down frustration and fear. She proceeded carefully, “Myka said Kevin’s job requires a lot of travel…”

Tracy sighed, “It does. He’s a lawyer, mostly contracts and stuff, but his firm has a lot of clients in California, so he spends a lot of time going back and forth.”

“Hence the distance makes everything difficult…”

“You’ve got it.”

Helena sighed, “God I can’t imagine that. Myka and I have a hard enough time balancing our schedules and we work in the same city. The most she travels is to Denver and it still feels impossible sometimes.”

“It doesn’t matter how far it is or how long, it sucks all the way around.”

“I hate to think what this conversation will look like in a years time when I’ll most likely be heading out on tour…”

Tracy chuckled, “Life of a rock star. God, I give you credit, Helena, because as awful as the circumstances were, I was so glad when Myka got off that train.”

“Didn’t like your big sister being out on the road?”

“Not really. I mean it wasn’t just that, it was a lot of things. I mean I missed her being around, but I also just hated seeing how much it drained her. She never fully sank into it, and unfortunately Sam liked it a bit too much, which was a fucking disaster of a combination.”

“She’s mentioned as much…”

“No matter which way you spin it, relationships are tough when you’re having to deal with spending time apart. _However_ , being crazy in love tends to make it a bit more tolerable,” Tracy winked.

Helena laughed softly, “Well then, hopefully we’ll be alright.”

“I have a feeling you’ll be more than alright. Once Myka knows what she wants, she doesn’t exactly let it go easily.”

“Luckily that makes two of us.”

Tracy chuckled, “Oh yeah, you two are going to be just fine.”

Ethan’s voice suddenly rang out across the lawn, “Mommy, I’m hungry!”

Tracy rolled her eyes, whispering to Helena, “He’s going through a bit of a demanding phase, if you couldn’t tell from his phone call this afternoon.” She stood up and scooped him up as he ran towards her, “You’re hungry huh?”

“Yes.”

“Should we ask Aunt Monkey if she and Helena would like to go get dinner with us?”

“Yes! And Mommy, it’s Aunt Elephant,” Ethan grinned.

Tracy sighed and shook her head, looking over her shoulder at Helena, “I am so sorry, but it appears you are definitely stuck with that.”

Helena grinned, “No need to apologize, I think it’s growing on me.”

Myka came up and twined her arms around Helena’s waist, “He also just called you _Aunt_ Elephant, which I’m pretty sure means you _have_ to get used to it. That kid _does not_ love easily, but you have apparently won him over quite quickly.”

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, “All part of my _charm_ darling.”

Myka groaned, “So you pretty much heard that whole conversation huh?”

“Pretty much.”

Tracy blew a raspberry against Ethan’s cheek, “Go ahead and ask them kiddo…”

“Aunt Monkey, Aunt Elephant, do you want to go to dinner with us?”

Helena burst out laughing, “Oh my God, are the puppy dog eyes a family trait? Because I have seen that very look on your face.”

Tracy looked at the pout on Ethan’s face, then back at Myka, “Oh yeah, definitely a genetic disposition, because I’ve seen this look on her face too, and I’m fairly certain that I have made this face myself.”

Myka rested her chin against Helena’s shoulder, “You tend to give into that look fairly easily, is it working on you this time?”

Helena pretended to consider, “I’m fairly certain it is.”

Myka smirked, “Dinner it is! Where are we goin’ little man?”

“Pizza!”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “Like I said, demanding, but I suppose, pizza it is.”

**

All through dinner Helena’s mind continued to turn, spinning her around with thoughts of how good Myka was with Ethan, how sweet it was to watch how attentive and playful she was with him, and how much he clearly adored her. She loved the way she kept sneaking him sips of her pop despite Tracy’s protestations, the way she willingly handed over half the pepperoni from her pizza because he wanted to “share,” the way she would keep idly running her fingers through his curls. It made her think, made her hope…made her wonder if she was somehow staring at her future.

She never expected to fall into such an easy relationship with Tracy, yet they simply seemed to flow together, much like she did with Myka’s mother. They let Myka pay most of her attention to Ethan, and continued their earlier conversation with few silent lapses. Helena had never expected this. She had expected to _like_ Myka’s family, because they were, well, her family and they were important, but she didn’t expect to _love_ them, not so soon, not so quickly. She didn’t expect for them to feel like _her_ family so fast. She didn’t expect to feel even more tightly bound to Myka because of it, because the thought of losing her would also mean losing them. She didn’t expect to be _Aunt_ Helena, let alone Aunt _Elephant_. She didn’t expect to feel so comfortable with Tracy. She didn’t expect any of this, and yet now that she had it, she wasn’t quite sure how she could ever fathom living without it.

**

Myka watched as Tracy and Helena’s heads drew closer and closer together in conversation, watched the way they kept laughing silently, listened as they playfully teased her. She didn’t know why she had ever felt nervous about them meeting, because clearly they were made to get along with each other. She didn’t even realize that she had been holding her breath for that to happen, how much it meant to her that this went well. It was only when she watched Tracy’s head fall back in laughter with a hand gripped on Helena’s shoulder that she realized how badly she wanted these two people to enjoy each other’s company. She had known how much she wanted to be a family with Helena, but she hadn’t known just how much she had wanted Helena to be a part of her _family_. It filled her with a sense of buoyant hope that maybe, possibly, her future was forming before her eyes.

Her heart tugged in her chest every time Ethan referred to Helena as “aunt.” It was so rare that he warmed up to people so quickly, and she certainly hadn’t expected him to be fully on board with her bringing someone along who clearly needed some of her attention, but by the middle of dinner he was sitting on Helena’s lap, asking her to say different words in her accent. Something unknowable, _unthinkable_ , sank into Myka’s stomach at the thought of what _could be_. Watching Helena press a kiss to the back of Ethan’s head, watching the way that he tugged at her fingers whenever he wanted her attention, it made Myka want things she had never imagined wanting. It made her realize that this was the life she wanted, desperately, with Helena.

**

Ethan was sleepily sated on the ride back to the house, his stomach filled with pizza and far too much ice cream, but it didn’t stop his slightly quieter, calmer voice from filling the car with another request, “Mommy, will you play Uncle Pete’s song?”

Tracy gave Myka and Helena a teasing smirk in the rearview mirror, where they sat flanking Ethan’s car seat, as though trying to prepare them for something. 

Myka looked at Tracy curiously, “Uncle Pete’s song?”

“Oh just wait for it, you’ll see.” She gave Myka a wink, then smiled back at Ethan in the rearview mirror, “Give me one second Peanut, and I’ll put it on for you.” She pressed a couple of buttons on the radio, but before pushing play she reached back and wiggled one of Ethan’s feet in his car seat, “You should probably know kiddo that this isn’t just Uncle Pete’s song, it’s Aunt Elephant’s song too. She’s the one singing.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “You cannot be serious! Is he really asking for _that_?”

Tracy smirked and hit play, letting “Ain’t it Fun” start blaring through the speakers, “Kevin has been playing it non-stop since it came out, and that kid is _obsessed_ with it. Just wait and see.”

Ethan tugged on Helena’s sleeve, “Aunt Elephant is this really you?”

Helena’s jaw hung in awe, “It really is…”

“Wow…”

Helena looked at Myka over Ethan’s car seat with wide eyes, “Wow indeed.”

Myka and Helena both watched with unrestrained joy as Ethan bounced along to the music, swinging his feet and bopping his head to the rhythm. Helena felt like she was having an out-of-body experience, because this was strange and amazing and wonderful, though nothing quite compared to the moment when Ethan’s tiny, high, little voice joined in, singing just behind the beat, “Don’t go cryin’ to your mama…”

Myka burst out laughing and stared at Helena, “He knows your lyrics Swagger. You officially have a number one fan.”

Helena just shook her head with a wide smile, “I’m fairly certain that even if we never get another fan, ever, this moment will make all of this worth it.”

**

Myka carried a very exhausted Ethan back in the house, whispering to Tracy, “I’ll go put him in bed.”

Tracy nodded, “I supposed I’ll ignore the fact that he has ice cream in his hair and just let him sleep.”

Ethan’s head bumped against Myka’s shoulder as he mumbled against her neck, “Can Aunt Elephant come too?”

Myka arched a questioning eyebrow towards Helena, who gave her a soft smile and a happy nod, rubbing a hand against Ethan’s back, “Of course I’ll come with you. Bedtime is my _favorite_ time of day.”

Ethan gave a soft laugh, “You’re silly Aunt Elephant.”

Myka chuckled, pressing a kiss to Ethan’s hair, “You got that right little man, she is.”

They both tucked Ethan into bed, pressing identical kisses to his cheeks. Before they could get off the bed though, he hooked a hand around Myka’s finger, “Aunt Monkey, will you sing?”

In that moment, Helena would have given anything to capture for an eternity the serene smile that took over Myka’s face, the sheer look of overwhelming love that was there. Myka’s eyes left Ethan’s and stole up to Helena’s, giving her a contented smile, along with a questioning look, “Would it be ok if both of us sang to you little man?”

Ethan’s eyes were already closed, “Yeah…”

Myka turned back to Helena with a soft smile and simply started singing, slowly, softly, _“I don’t mind…lettin’ you down easy…but just give it time…”_

Helena’s chest swelled with such an immense measure of love she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to actually _breathe_ let alone _sing_. She reached out and linked her hand with Myka’s, giving herself a second to find the rhythm and speed that Myka had set, before joining her voice to Myka’s, _“If it don’t hurt now…then just wait…just wait awhile…”_

Ethan was asleep by the time they hit the first chorus, but they continued on anyway, eyes never leaving each others as they let the moment flow and ebb around them. When they finished, they both sat there for a few quiet moments, before they each stood and pressed one last kiss to Ethan’s head before slipping out of the bedroom without disturbing his tiny snores.

Helena moved towards the staircase, but paused at the feel of Myka’s hand around her wrist. She turned back towards Myka, only to be swiftly wrapped up in her arms, her lips moving softly against her own. It lasted only a moment, and then Myka pulled back, whispering, “I love you so much.”

Helena could barely bring her eyes to open, too enraptured by everything that had just happened, by Myka’s tone, by the feel of her, but she was still able to manage a wisp of an answer, “I love you too darling.”

**

The drive home passed by in peaceful quiet, an overwhelming air of contentment lingering over both of them. Myka had turned the radio off in favor of listening to Helena’s occasional humming as she scribbled lyrics into her journal. She had attempted writing by the light of her phone at first, before Myka starting giggling and flipped on the overhead light declaring that it wouldn’t distract her half as much as Helena’s struggling to balance journal, pen, and phone at the same time. Helena had whispered a teasing word of thanks and then quickly resumed her humming and her writing with few other words uttered.

Myka leaned her head back against the head rest, letting her free hand come up to toy with the end of the pony tail Helena had put up when they’d gotten in the car. She let out a contented sigh, letting the memories of the day wash over her. She wasn’t sure she could remember the last time she had been this overwhelmingly happy. As her mind stole back to those quiet moments in Ethan’s room, with their voices mixing and mingling together, she felt a sense of surety nestle into her bloodstream. She let out a deep breath and moved her hand to link with Helena’s. She never took her eyes off of the road, just gave Helena’s hand a squeeze and simply stated, “I think we should do the song.”

Helena’s voice came out shaky, uncertain she had heard correctly, “Myka?”

Myka gave her a quick look and a smile, “I’m serious. I think we should do it. I _want_ to do it. What we just had back there? That moment? We could do that with that song Helena, and I think it would be pretty damn incredible. I’m in. I’m completely in, as long as you are.”

Helena felt a pull in her to question, to make sure, but she fought it down, because she knew that Myka hadn’t simply jumped to this decision, she had weighed the possibilities and had made sure she was ready. If she said she wanted to do it, then there was no reason for her to question that decision. She squeezed Myka’s hand, “I am absolutely in darling.”

**

Later that night, Helena let her head fall and rest against Myka’s still heaving, slightly breathless chest. She turned her head and let her lips fall against the sweat-slicked skin above Myka’s heart, her fingers lingering in traces against the skin of Myka’s hip. As Myka’s fingers came up to run through her hair, she sighed happily, “I’d say this is a perfect ending to a rather perfect day darling.”

Myka’s chest moved in quiet laughter, “I would have to agree with you on that one Swagger.” She moved to press a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, reclining back to lay out more fully against her pillow, “Thank you for stealing me.”

“You are most welcome love.” Helena’s fingers moved to link with Myka’s where they rested across her stomach. Helena ran her thumb against the back of Myka’s hand, “I…I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you brought me with you today Myka.”

“I wish I could explain to you what it felt like to watch you with Ethan…with Tracy…Helena…”

“I know love…”

“It just felt like…”

“Where we were always meant to be…”

Myka breathed out contentedly, squeezing Helena tighter to her body, “Exactly.”

**

Helena took a deep breath, “I have a solution to our ballad problem.”

Five sets of wide eyes greeted her, but it was Claudia who spoke up, “You do?”

Helena nodded and handed around a copy of the lyrics she and Myka had put the finishing touches on the night before. She knew it was mostly ready, but she wanted to make sure that she and Myka were on the same page before moving forward with recording it. They hadn’t changed much, just a few tweaks here and there. 

Fargo looked over the page and smiled brightly, “H.G. this is _exactly_ what I was hoping for. This is perfect.” He looked around at Claudia, Steve, and Pete, “How long until we can get some music ready for this?”

Helena held up a hand to still him, “There’s one more thing before we jump to recording, Fargo.”

Pete’s eyes settled into something like realization, “This is the song isn’t it?”

Helena gave him a soft smile, not at all surprised that Myka had talked to him about it, “It is, Pete.”

“And she’s ok with that? With this?”

Helena nodded surely, “She is.”

Claudia snapped her fingers between the two of them, “Yo! Cryptic twins, care to share with the rest of the class what you’re talking about?”

Helena closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “I wrote this song as a duet. A duet for me and Myka, and she has graciously agreed to record it, as long as all of you are ok with that. Since it is our album, we both wanted to clear it with all of you first.”

Claudia’s eyes were wide, her jaw ajar, but it was Kelly who spoke, “You two have really talked about this? About the logistics? About how you want this to work? Has she talked to Jack and Rebecca?”

“She’s working there today, and is waiting to hear from me before talking to them. We wanted to make sure you all were on board before she took that step.”

Claudia interjected, “Well _hell yeah_ I’m on board. Wow…I just never imagined that she would do something like that.”

“Neither did I, neither did she, really, but we’ve talked about it quite a bit. This wasn’t a decision we came to lightly, and she took a long time to decide, but she wants this, as long as all of you do too.”

Steve just shook his head in wonder, “If she wants to do it…I kind of can’t think of anything more perfect for us. Myka has done so much for us, helped us to get to this point, I would love to have her have a little bit of presence on the album.”

Fargo clapped his hands, “I for one think it’s a great idea. From a producing standpoint, a duet is a nice addition. Myka will blend in well. I’m ready to go.”

Kelly sighed quietly, “I _will_ need to make some calls on this, just to make sure we’re clear contractually. The relationship with Artifact and St. Secord, we have to make sure we’re covered.”

Helena nodded, “Absolutely, we figured as much.” They all nodded in quiet, happy agreement, until they realized there was one voice that hadn’t expressed an opinion. Helena turned fully to Pete, “Pete? What do you think?”

He met her gaze forcefully, with shining eyes, “She really wants to do this?”

“She does. I left it completely in her hands Pete. I did not push, I did not ask. I let her decide. This was her decision.”

“If at any point…”

Helena reached out a hand to grip his knee, “We’ll stop. We will stop immediately and figure out something else.”

Pete nodded slowly, “Then there is nothing else I would want more.”

Helena squeezed his knee, “Thank you.”

Pete just gave her a tight smile, trying to hold in his emotion, “Go tell her we’re ready on our end. I’ll start working on some drum lines for it.”

Kelly slapped her knees and stood, “I have some calls to make.”

Helena snuck out the door and pulled up a text to Myka.

_“We’re ready love. Pete was a bit worried, but it was rather…sweet. Whenever you’re ready you can talk to Jack and Rebecca.”_

_“Going now! Wow…I’m not sure I expected to be this…excited. Anyway…Pete’s reaction was to be expected. I’m sure I’ll be getting a call later…”_

_“I’m sure you will. Let me know how it goes.”_

**

Myka knocked on Jack and Rebecca’s office door, peeking her head in, “You two have a second?”

Jack waved her in, eyes staying put on the computer. Rebecca gave her a quick smile, eyes barely leaving the screen.

Myka arched an eyebrow, “I can come back…”

Jack stood up fully, “No, no, perfect timing actually. We were just watching the footage you took at the show last week, you’re right, they’ve got something here.”

Myka’s face lit up, “You think?”

Rebecca nodded, “Set up a meeting. We want to hear more.”

Myka took out her phone and pulled up her schedule, “They have another show later this week. I’ll head back up to Denver, see them again, and talk to them after. We’ll get it figured out.”

“Perfect.” Jack settled against the desk, “So, you were in need of some of our seconds?”

Myka bit her lip nervously, “Umm...yeah, I was. I need to talk to you guys about something.”

Rebecca’s forehead creased, “That sounds serious.”

“It is, well, sort of. It’s easier if I just explain. Do you remember when we were figuring out how all of this was going to work with me coming back, how we talked about what we might do if Helena and I ended up doing some work together?” They both nodded silently. Myka sighed, “Well, she’s asked me to do a duet with her on the band’s album, and after giving it _a lot_ of thought, I would like to do it, but I want to make sure that that would be ok with you guys given our situation.”

Jack chuckled, “You’re asking for our permission?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Don’t make it sound so ridiculous. I am, because whatever our personal relationship is, you two are still my bosses, therefore I wanted to clear it with you.”

Rebecca folded her hands across the desk, “Since my husband is deciding to be playful about this, I’ll be serious about it. Myka, did you help her write this song?”

“Not really. I added maybe one, two words to it, but nothing else. It’s all her.”

Rebecca nodded, considering, “Then I don’t see a problem. It’s not really your song, which means we would have no claim over it, if we operated that way, which you know we don’t, so bosses or not, you don’t have to approach us with all this seriousness and trepidation. Record the song Myka.”

Myka let out a long breath, “I figured you’d say that, but I wanted to be sure.”

Rebecca gave her a wink, “We appreciate that.” She paused, eyeing Myka carefully, “I have to ask though…are you ready for this?”

Myka’s tone was definitive, “I am. I gave it a lot of thought, and if I was doing this with anyone other than Helena, I would probably back out, but this…this song…with her, it’s right. It’s time.”

“Then I for one cannot wait to hear the final product.”

Jack smiled, “On that point, I have to whole-heartedly agree.”

“Thank you both, so much,” Myka smiled brightly.

**

Several hours later, Rebecca’s cell phone rang where it sat on her desk, a number she didn’t recognize. She gave Jack a questioning look, but he just shrugged his shoulders, “Might as well answer it ‘Becs.”

She clicked the call over, “Hello?”

“Rebecca, this is Irene Frederic.”

Rebecca’s eyes widened, fingers immediately scrambling to put the call on speaker, “Hello Irene, what can I do for you?” She poked at Jack’s knee fervently than pointed at the phone mouthing, “Irene _Frederic_.” 

Jack’s jaw dropped, whispering, “What does she want?”

Rebecca slapped at his knee, holding a finger to her lips. When Irene’s voice came back over the phone it was with a tone that sounded like she knew exactly what was happening on the other end of the line. She cleared her throat, “I wanted to talk to you about Myka Bering.”

Rebecca’s forehead crinkled, “Oh, umm, absolutely. What about her?”

“I got a call today from Kelly Hernandez today that Myka was considering recording a song with Seeking Endless Wonder, a duet apparently. I know that she is currently working for you and I wanted to make sure that this situation wouldn’t be stepping on any toes.”

Rebecca couldn’t hold back the chuckle bubbling in her throat. Never in her life had Artifact Records asked _them_ for permission to do anything, “Myka actually was just talking to us about this a few hours ago.”

“I figured as much, she and Ms. Wells seem to be very _meticulous_ about these sorts of things. I still wanted to make sure though. For too long, our companies have been at odds. I know that Arthur Nielsen never would have made this call, but I’m running things a bit differently these days.”

“I must say, that is _very much_ appreciated Irene. I’ll tell you what we told Myka earlier. If this is what they want, what _she_ wants in particular, we are more than happy to support her in that. There will be no toes being stepped on. The way we see it, if Myka feels ready to get back in the studio, we won’t stand in the way of that, no matter whose artists she’s recording with.”

“The world has been missing her talent for far too long.”

“We could not agree more.”

“She’s very lucky to have you two. Many others in this business wouldn’t be so…considerate.”

Rebecca chuckled, “Sometimes I think she thinks we’re a pain in her ass, but we’ve known her too long to be anything else.”

“I’m sure deep down she appreciates it.”

“We are too.”

Irene cleared her throat, “Well, if there are any questions that you have, any reservations that come up, please do not hesitate to call me. This is my personal line, feel free to use it.”

“Thanks Irene. We appreciate the call.”

“You’re welcome.”

The call disconnected before another word was spoken. Rebecca looked at Jack in wonder, “Well that was unexpected.”

Jack chuckled, “I think this entire day has been unexpected.”

Rebecca sighed, “I’m going to want to go over there…when they’re recording. To see Myka in that place again…”

“I know…I just don’t want her feeling like we’re checking up on her.”

Rebecca smiled cryptically, “Well, maybe we’ll just have to be _sneaky_ about it then.”

**

Helena rolled over carefully, wrapping a delicate, barely there arm around Myka’s waist, whispering, “Love, you don’t have to pretend that you’re sleeping. I can tell you’re awake.” She felt Myka’s ribs expand and fall under her arm, but beyond that inconspicuous movement, Myka didn’t budge. She pressed a kiss to Myka’s shoulder, “You can talk to me.” Still there was nothing. She let out a tiny, hopefully unnoticeable sigh, and adjusted to roll back onto her back, but before she had fully moved away from Myka’s space, a hand darted out, wrapping around her wrist, and pulling her arm back around Myka’s waist. She settled back into position, squeezing slightly, “Love?”

Myka’s voice was small, hushed, “Just stay here, like this.”

“I can do that.” Helena rolled her eyes at herself, wishing she could fight back the next sentence ready to spill from her lips, though she knew she couldn’t, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk?”

“Yeah, I really am fine…just a little nervous.”

Helena’s lips pulled into a tiny smile, “Would it help if I told you I was too.”

Myka’s chest moved with quiet laughter, “Oddly…it kind of does.”

“Good.” Helena held Myka tighter, “I love you Sleepy.”

“I love you too.”

**

Myka stood in the parking lot next to Helena’s car, suddenly certain that her legs had turned to stone. She couldn’t stop staring at the house turned studio, in front of her. It had been so long. She feared it had been _too_ long. What if she didn’t know what to do anymore? What if she started and realized she wanted to stop? What if she started and realized that she _didn’t_ want to stop? What if this was a mistake? What if this was exactly what her life had been waiting for? She didn’t notice anything else around her until Helena came up and stepped right into her eye line, “I can’t tell if you look petrified or excited?”

Myka smirked, “Little bit of both?”

“We can wait…there’s plenty of other things for the four of us to do right now.”

Myka shook her head vehemently, “No. No, I’m good. I’m ready.” She leaned down and kissed Helena softly, “Let’s do this.”

**

Myka was fairly certain that never in her life had she ever been so thankful than when they walked in the studio and everyone just acted _normal_. Steve and Claudia were watching a video on her phone, giggling. Pete was drumming against a couch cushion. Kelly looked like she was typing a rather frustrated e-mail on her phone. No one acted like what was about to happen was something _huge_ or _monumental_. They just acted like it was any other day, and that was exactly what Myka needed. 

Pete tossed his sticks onto the table, bounding over to her, “Mykes! So, you and I have a date.”

She looked at him skeptically, while Helena gave her a hand a squeeze before going over to talk to Fargo. She squeezed back and then turned fully to Pete, “What now? A date?”

“Tux fitting baby! I have an appointment in three weeks, I confirmed today. Thus, best man, we have a date.”

“Ok, one, don’t call me baby ever again. Two, that is some solid pre-planning you’ve got going on there. And three,” she smirked, teasingly, “we so totally have a date.”

Pete pumped his fists in the air, “Yes!”

“It’s a tux Pete, not an all you can eat buffet.”

“Don’t care, Mykes. It’s one more step closer to walkin’ down that aisle, so I am justifiably pumped.”

“You are so weird, and Amanda is ridiculously lucky to have you.”

“Yeah she is.” Pete made tiny finger guns, before finally sinking into a more serious mood, “So…you ready for this?”

She rolled her eyes, “And here I was hoping to avoid that question today. Yes, I am. I’m excited actually.”

“Darling?” Helena emerged back by Myka’s side, with a very timid looking Fargo next to her, “I wanted to introduce you to Fargo, since you two haven’t met yet.”

Fargo held out a hesitant hand, “Hi, umm I’m Fargo, well _Douglas_ actually, but everyone calls me Fargo.”

Myka bit back a chuckle and shook his hand, “Nice to meet you. Also,” she winked at him quickly, “you don’t have to look so nervous. I promise I won’t bite.”

Fargo gave her an embarrassed look, “I’m sorry…I’m a little nervous.”

Myka grinned, “Join the club.”

Myka’s calm demeanor seemed to bring Fargo out of his nervous stupor, and into something more resembling himself. He clapped his hands together, “Ok! Well, I think we’re going to lay down the instrument lines first, give you two a chance to get a feel for the rhythm, map out a bit of what you want to do with the music they’ve written, then we’ll get you guys in there.”

Myka looped an arm around Helena’s waist with a squeeze, “Sounds good to me.”

Fargo turned to Claudia and Steve with a smile, “Hey you two, we’re gonna get started.”

Claudia tucked her phone into her pocket and stepped into their small circle. Myka noticing that she almost put a hand on Fargo’s back, but pulled it away quickly. Instead, she threw her arms out, gesturing to the whole room, “What do you think of the whole ballad vibe we gave the place?”

Helena and Myka finally took the opportunity to look around at all the candles that had been lit inside the recording room, the sheets of fabric that had been draped over some of the furniture, the dim of the lights. Helena chuckled, “Very fitting Claud.”

Claudia gave her a smug smile, “I wanted to set a mood. I might not have been able to write a freaking slow song, but dammit I can get us in the mindset for it.”

Fargo snorted back a small laugh, “Ooook, while I appreciate all the _vibe_ talk, why don’t we actually get this show on the road?”

Helena and Myka settled onto the couch, both pulling out their lyrics to follow along with the progress. Helena curled an arm around Myka’s shoulders, pressing a kiss to her temple, “Is it too early to state that this feels kind of nice?”

Myka made a mark on her page, then turned to Helena with a soft smile, “Not too early. It is. I may still be in a bit of shock that we’re here, but no, you’re right, it feels good. Have you heard any of the music they’ve gotten ready?”

Helena rocked her head back and forth, “Some. Claudia sent me some of the stuff she recorded on her own. It sounded good, it had the right kind of pace.”

Fargo’s voice clicked over the sound system, “Alright guys, I want you to just go all the way through once, and then we’ll go back and adjust. I want to hear everything first, so whenever you’re ready.”

Myka closed her eyes and leaned her head back against Helena’s shoulder. Helena chuckled, “Now you’re tired…”

Myka chuckled, “ _No_ , but I’m with Fargo, I want to hear everything first, no distractions, just let myself get it in my head a bit before we start working through how we’ll fit the lyrics in.”

Helena pressed a kiss to Myka’s forehead, “It’s kind of fun seeing you in work mode.”

“You say that now, just wait until I’m frustrated and demanding to sing the same line over and over again.”

“I would expect nothing less from my insufferable girlfriend.”

“Well…at least you’re prepared.”

The first thought Myka had when she finally heard the music they had put together was that she had never heard them play something with such _simplicity_. Pete’s drum line was a basic pattern of taps on his high hat coupled with very light snare rhythms, while Claudia stuck to only a couple of chords echoing over and over, and at times you couldn’t even hear Steve. It was all very even, light tones, and at first it worried her, because they usually put together things that were so _complex_. She worried until she heard Helena starting to hum next to her, softly, barely noticeable, but humming none the less, letting it rise and fall with where the lyrics would flow, and it was then that Myka realized they had done it purposefully. They had stripped everything down to its most basic elements so that the only thing you would want to focus on was their voices. They didn’t want the music overpowering what was happening in the lyrics. They wanted it to be all about her and Helena, and in that moment she realized that they had put together something _perfect_. Now it was just up to her and Helena to fill in the heart of the song.

It took a couple of hours, a couple of solid run-throughs, with Fargo tweaking sound levels and focal points here and there, but eventually, he turned to where they were huddled on the couch sharing a lyric sheet making final notes, and said excitedly, “So, are you two ready to get in there?”

Helena didn’t turn her eyes to meet Myka’s, didn’t give in to the need to _check_ on her, to _protect_ her, she simply gave her knee a squeeze and waited for her to answer. She felt Myka’s shoulder bump into her own, felt Myka’s breath ghost across her skin, “I’m ready if this one is.”

Helena chuckled, “I’m quite ready darling.”

“Excellent.” Fargo gave them an endearing thumbs up, “So, I’m going to leave it up to you two how you want to go about this. I want to do a couple of things and you can decide in which order we do them. I do want to record you both in the studio at the same time, singing together the full way through, I think it will help pick up some of the layers and will give you a chance to adjust on the fly if you want to based on how you feel in there together, but I also want to lay down some individual tracks, add some shading that might not be there when you’re singing together. Up to you guys which we do first.”

Helena finally turned to Myka, arching a questioning eyebrow. Myka gave her a soft smile, “Together first?”

Helena pressed a quick kiss to her lips, “Precisely what I was thinking.”

“Awesome. Alright you two, get on in there and get set up. I just have to do a few things here to get the music ready to play through for you, and then we’ll be good to go.”

Once Myka stepped through the doors into the booth, she felt like she had gone back in time. Her skin tingled with a familiar edge, her fingers itched to reach out for the headphones, and simply sink into the space in front of the microphone. She had forgotten how invigorating this part of it all felt. The newness, the beginnings, the molding of words into something more. They adjusted the microphones so that they were almost facing each other, but still had enough of an angle that they both had enough space. 

Myka settled the headphones around her neck, waiting for Fargo’s cue. She felt Helena’s fingers steal into hers with a light squeeze. She looked up to find Helena staring at her with shining eyes, “Darling, I feel the need to tell you that I love you before we start this…”

“I love you too Swagger, and I have _a lot_ of other things I would like to add to that sentiment, but I’m going to wait on them, because I don’t want to sound like I’m crying while I’m singing.”

Helena chuckled, “Fair enough.”

A beep resounded through the booth and then Fargo’s voice filtered through, “Alright, we’re ready to go. Playback will start in ten seconds. Let’s make some magic.”

Helena laughed soundly, “Fargo you are a _nerd_.”

“Accepted. Now H.G. get your ass to singing,” he smirked.

They both adjusted their headphones, Helena gave Myka’s hand one last squeeze, and then the music was filtering through to both of them, and it was like everything else stopped.

Myka closed her eyes and let Helena’s voice, which was a little lower than usual, wash over her, let it mix and mingle with the music pulsing in her brain, let it settle into her bloodstream the words she had written for her.

_“There…is not a single word…in the whole world…that could describe the hurt…the dullest knife just sawing back and forth and rippin’ through the softest skin there ever was. How were you to know? Oh how were you to know?”_

As Helena was singing about not having any clue how to process Myka’s life, all Myka could think about was how _she_ had had no way of knowing when she met Helena that this was where they would find themselves. That Helena would change her life so drastically, so beautifully. She rolled her shoulders and took a deep breath. It was time, and she knew once she crossed this line, there was no turning back. She let her breath go evenly, and let her voice join Helena’s.

_“And I…I hate to see your heart break…I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close…but I’ve been there before…and I…I hate to see your heart break…I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close…but I’ve been there before…”_

Helena wanted to stay focused, to stay in the moment, to not get lost or distracted, but she knew…she needed to see Myka doing this. She needed to take her in in this exact moment with the light from the candles dancing off the glass, with her body moving slowly and steadily with the music, her fingers winding through the air with the rhythm. Yes, Helena needed nothing more than to see Myka take this huge step of singing on her own, words that Helena hoped spoke to both of their souls.

_“Love…happens all the time…to people who aren’t kind…and heroes who are blind…expecting perfect scripted movie scenes…who wants an awkward silent mystery…how were you to know? Oh how are you to know?”_

It was more than either of them knew it could be. It was _them_. It was all the months of back and forth, the flirting and the uncertainty, the coming together and pulling apart, the finding each other and retreating, the pain, the heart break, the joy, the overwhelming love. As they looked at each other across their microphones, moving through the chorus, they both realized they were thinking the same thing…they weren’t sure they could love the other more than they did in that moment.

Helena’s heartbeat increased as they neared the bridge, the only part of the song that Myka had helped her rework and mold into something more than what it was originally. It was the part she was most anxious to hear, it was the part that meant the most…to both of them. At first their voices melded together.

_“For all the air that’s in your lungs…for all the joy that is to come.”_

Helena reached out, even with eyes shut tightly and gripped onto Myka’s hand, as she sang her next line, alone, but calling out into the ether that was her hope for what they could be, that was her hope for Myka’s ability to _live_ , to _be_ , to _move forward_ , to _hope_ herself.

_“For all the things that you’re alive to feel…”_

Myka returned Helena’s grip with a fervor that sought to hold back the tears that were creeping into her eyes…because _these words_ …these words that had showed her so starkly what Helena wanted for her, for them, for everything, that had made her realize what she wanted for herself, they were overpowering. She felt her throat crack a bit as she started to sing, and she hoped that maybe that was how it was just meant to sound.

_“Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal…”_

Helena’s voice filtered back over hers intensely.

_“Oh how are you to know?”_

Until Myka let her voice fill in and match hers at the end.

_“How are you to know…”_

And then it was just Helena again, until Myka brought her voice in just at the last word.

_“Oh how are you to know?”_

Myka shook her head in hopes of clearing the pressure behind her eyes as they sang the chorus through one more time. Those words echoing in her head, how were they to know? Neither of them had any idea when Helena walked into The Warehouse that day what was to come…but God…it was so amazingly worth it.

**

“Have you been filming this whole time,” Steve whispered, as he peered over Claudia’s shoulder at where her phone’s camera was filming Helena and Myka talking animatedly, yet seriously about a certain turn in their phrasing. 

Claudia smirked, “I have.” Then her expression softened, “They’re going to want to remember today. Hell, _I’m_ going to want to remember it.”

“Softie.” 

“Today, I am. You should see some of the footage I got. They’ve been so engrossed in what they’re doing, they haven’t even noticed. Which actually…speaking of not noticing. Have you ever noticed that H.G. twirls her headphone wire like crazy when she’s recording?”

Steve chuckled, “You’re _just_ noticing that now?”

“Apparently so.”

“You should film us more…then you might pick up on those things,” Steve chuckled.

**

Pete was leaning against the door of the studio watching Myka record on her own, while Helena sat next to Fargo making notes, when he felt a warm hand against his shoulder. He turned to find Rebecca and Jack just outside of the door, Rebecca had a finger pressed to her lips, then she whispered, “She doesn’t need to know we’re here.”

Pete rolled his eyes, “She would probably want to know you are though…”

Jack smirked, “Oh where’s the fun in that?”

Rebecca peeked around Pete’s shoulder, a smile breaking across her face as she watched Myka sing. It was like looking through a time portal into another world, “We just wanted to see a bit of it. We didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”

Jack eyed Myka, then turned to Pete, “How’s she doing?”

Pete smiled brightly, “Amazing. It’s like no time has passed. You should have seen them earlier, they were bickering with Fargo about like two seconds of music.”

Rebecca smiled softly, “It’s good to know that even though so much has changed…some things haven’t.”

Pete felt tears welling up in his eyes, “I know. God,” he wiped at his eyes, “I feel like I’ve been trying to keep myself from crying all day. Pathetic.”

Rebecca met his shining eyes with ones of her own, “It’s not pathetic. You’ve walked with her through so much, Pete. To see her like this…well…we know how it feels.”

Jack sighed, “She seems so _happy_.”

Pete nodded his head, “I’m almost afraid to say it, but I think she finally is.”

**

Fargo pushed his glasses up on to his head with a groan, “Ugh, I don’t know what it is, but there needs to be something _more_.”

Myka pressed the rewind button on the board, playing through the beginning again and again, while Helena leaned back in the chair next to her muttering quietly, “Always with the _one more thing_.”

Myka slapped at her thigh playfully, “Maybe so, but he _is_ right.”

Fargo turned in his chair, eyes bulging, “It’s not just me that’s hearing that then? You hear it too?”

Myka nodded, “I do.” She rewound again, listening with her eyes closed. Finally, it hit her, eyes flying open, her hand gripping Fargo’s wrist, “It needs strings.”

His jaw dropped, “Oh my God, it _totally_ needs strings.”

Helena cleared her throat slightly, “Whether you both agree on that or not, it doesn’t change the fact that none of us write music _for_ strings.”

Myka gave her an analyzing look, the gears in her head turning, until finally she just said it, “I can write it.”

Helena sat up, jaw slightly ajar, “Myka?”

Myka chuckled, “I am a woman of many talents Swagger, or have you forgotten that? I can write a violin line for the background, I think it would round it out, as long as Fargo can find someone to play it.”

Fargo grinned widely, “I can absolutely do that.”

Helena pushed out of her chair to press a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “You never cease to amaze me.”

“I try my best.”

Fargo made a couple of notes, before giving Myka a sidelong glance, “Hey…have you ever thought about getting into production work, Myka? You’ve got one hell of an ear for it.”

Myka shrugged slightly, with a small crinkle of her nose, “I guess I never really thought about it.”

“Well you should.” Fargo turned back to his notes, calling Claudia over for what he claimed was advice, though it seemed less like advice than flirting that was needed. 

Helena leaned her chin onto Myka’s shoulder, “I can see you thinking…”

Myka shrugged again, “Not really…though…well…it’s an interesting idea.”

“What is? Producing?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. It’s probably just me getting caught up in the rhythm of the day is all.” She pressed a kiss to Helena’s forehead, immediately changing the subject back to what else they needed to do to get things wrapped up, but no matter what her words said, suddenly Myka’s head was spinning in all sorts of possible directions for what the future could look like.

**

Fargo swiveled in his chair to face all of them. Helena and Myka were cuddled on the couch with Myka leaning back against Helena’s chest, legs stretched out in front of her. Pete was reclined on the floor, back to the couch, his head resting on Myka’s knee. Claudia and Steve were sprawled out in matching bean bags that Claudia had snuck into the studio, despite Kelly’s protestations that they should try and maintain some _semblance_ of professionalism. Claudia had simply stuck her tongue out and plopped onto the bag with folded arms. Fargo drummed a rhythm on his knees, “Well, you guys ready to hear the final product? Or at least the final product for now?”

Helena kissed the top of Myka’s head, “Ready love?”

“Very much so.” She squeezed the hand that Helena had resting on her stomach, “Turn it up Fargo.”

“You got it.”

Myka closed her eyes and leaned back against Helena’s shoulder, letting the music wash over her. They sounded better than she ever could have imagined. She still couldn’t quite comprehend the fact that Helena had encapsulated the earliest days of their relationship so well, yet, that was exactly what she had done. It was all them, played out in chords and rhythms and pitches. She sighed, God, she had no idea how she’d gotten here. How her life had changed so much, and all because of this one woman. This one crazy, amazing, wonderful woman. It made a pulse of joy race through her body, resulting in another contented sigh. 

Helena whispered into her hair, “You alright down there love?”

Myka reclined back further in Helena’s hold, turning her head to press a light kiss to her lips, whispering out against them, “I can honestly say, I have never been better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I realize that this ended in a very fluffy place...however...well, I kind of just want to leave it at however.
> 
> Things are going to start moving for the band soon, and well...that will bring unfluffy complications.
> 
> Also, my nephew, who is Ethan's age totally sings "Ain't it Fun" in the car, so I kind of based that moment off of him.


	17. Proof/Fade Into You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stress and the chaos finally hit the band like a ton of bricks...which hits Helena and Myka like a ton of bricks.  
> Myka makes some vital life decisions.  
> An album comes out.  
> Other decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without further ado, here is the next chapter. Thank you all for your patience and your rounds of encouragement. I hope this chapter is ample payment for the wait you've had to endure.
> 
> I meant to make a note in the last chapter about the song that gets hinted at that Myka wrote, but the band recorded. That's meant to be "Decode," another Paramore song. (Ignore that Hayley Williams wrote it for Twilight). If you read the lyrics, I think it hits where Myka would have been after the whole Sam/Giselle thing.
> 
> Songs for this chapter are Paramore (I'd recommend listening to the live version of it!) and Clare Bowen/Sam Palladio from Nashville.
> 
> Enjoy!!

17\. Proof/Fade Into You

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs, mid-July 2011_

Myka let out a sigh of contentment as she pulled up in front of The Warehouse. She’d been in Denver all day, setting up meetings, while also somehow managing to fit in two separate shows on opposite sides of town, and God she was just so happy to be _home_. She looked through the store front windows with a wistful smile, the lights were twinkling and the band was scattered around the stage, seemingly deep in conversation. It sent a warm wave of peace through her bloodstream, because it was just so normal, to be here, to see them like this, like it always used to be. It was comforting. With how late it was, she hadn’t expected them to still be there, yet she also knew how they got when they hit a rhythm, so somewhere in the back of her mind she wasn’t that surprised. She grabbed her stuff out of the backseat and let herself in, smiling incredulously that Claudia had essentially locked them all in. She took in a deep breath, breathing in the sense of home.

She wanted to give herself a moment to let the band’s voices filter and flow over her, but the second she closed her eyes, they flew open again, because the voice she was greeted with was Pete yelling, “You’re sleeping with our fucking producer Claud!”

Myka’s eyes widened, her gaze immediately seeking out Helena’s, whose eyes met hers instantly with arched eyebrows and a small, despairing eye roll. No one else seemed even remotely aware that she had walked in. She pointed back towards the door then up towards the ceiling, mouthing to Helena, “I’ll go around back.”

Helena gave her a quick nod of recognition, before turning her attention back to the conversation raging around her. Claudia’s hands were shoved into her back pockets, tears just barely rimming the edges of her eyes. Helena could tell she was trying so hard to hold it all in, keep this under control, but she was slipping…fast. Claudia cleared her throat, trying to match Pete’s tone, with an added mix of casual indifference, “So what if I am? It’s not that big of a deal.”

Helena sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Oh Claudia if you truly think that, then this conversation is going to last much longer than it should.”

“Why? Why, H.G.? Explain to me why the hell _my_ relationship is now suddenly a band issue.”

Pete groaned, “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

“No I’m serious, explain this to me. Why is it a big deal that I’m with Fargo, when everyone else in this room, other than you Pete, is in a relationship with someone who is just as involved as Fargo is in all of this mess?”

Steve made an inscrutable noise, running a hand over his head. Helena’s heart went out to him, knowing the pressure that had to be bearing down on him trying to balance the reality of the situation with he and Claudia’s relationship. Steve’s voice was quiet, like he barely wanted to acknowledge that he was in this room, having this conversation, “Because it’s a conflict of interest, Claud. He’s our producer. He is more than _involved_ in our current situation. He is vital to what we’re doing, and to have you guys dating, it’s complicated…”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “It’s _complicated_? Is it any more complicated than H.G. having Myka record with us? Is it any more complicated than Liam asking me to sing on _two_ of his songs on his album, which he was recording for another label, all while we were still trying to figure our own shit out? Is it any more complicated than the fact that we have songs on this album that Myka wrote, even though she works for another label? Explain to me how Fargo and I are complicated Steve. Because if you want to talk about conflicts of interest, well…I’m not sure any of us would like where this conversation goes.”

Helena felt a surge of anger blaze underneath her skin, and saw a similar look pass across Steve’s face. It was a low blow, meant to hit both of them where Claudia knew they were most vulnerable. She tried to school her tone, but knew she was failing, “That isn’t fair Claudia.”

“Seriously? You want to talk about _fair_ right now?”

Helena’s voice ripped through her throat, “ _Yes_ , I do, because it is ridiculous that you would throw Myka and Liam in our faces with such callous disregard like that, knowing that it would hurt. _Not to mention the fact_ , that all of those things that you referenced happened _months_ ago, so if you’ve been holding back some deep seated anger about those things, then it’s not our fault that you didn’t voice your concerns at the time. Personally, I don’t think you had any issues with those things, and you’re just using them now to cause damage. So, _no_ , it’s not bloody fair.”

Claudia groaned and leaned back against the wall, “Look I’m sorry, but I think it’s _insane_ that somehow I’m the one getting accused of putting us in the middle of a conflict of interest, when we’ve been here before and no one has said a goddamn word about it.”

Pete sighed, “Because none of those other things would necessarily have a bearing on us as a band if things didn’t work out. Think about it Claud, what if it doesn’t work? What would we do? Keep awkwardly recording with him? No, we’d have to start all over, and who knows if we could find someone who gets us in quite the same way that Fargo does.”

“Hoooold on a second.” Claudia held up a stilling hand, “You’re honestly saying to me that you don’t think it’d have any bearing on the band if Myka and H.G. broke up? Seriously? Because I’m sure we’d totally still have rehearsal space if that happened. Or that we’d be able to sing half the fucking songs on this album if that happened. No, don’t give me that. Don’t act like my relationship is the only one that has far more consequences on the four of us than we’re willing to talk about.”

Helena’s voice caught in her throat, catching her words around what could have been a scream or a sob, “Claudia, I am going to tell you right now that if you keep going down this train of conversation, we are going to have a problem.”

“Why, H.G? Isn’t it _fun_ to have your relationship dragged out into the middle of band business? Or is it too personal? Is it unfair?”

“Claud!” Steve’s voice sounded aghast that Claudia had gone _so far_.

“No Jinxsy, don’t give me that tone. If we’re going to talk about this, then you all need to be prepared for the other shit that follows. I’m not just going to sit here and let you all rag on me, without facing your own hypocrisy.”

Pete’s voice came out a bit calmer, a bit more like he was trying to smooth the waters, “Look, I think we can all admit that _all_ of our lives make this whole thing complicated, and it’s not going to do us any good to sit here and compare whose relationship has the most impact. On top of the fact that you love Myka more than you’d care to admit Claud, so if you keep going down this road you _will_ say something you regret. So let’s just leave that be, ok? Seriously, do you not have any concerns about how you being with Fargo might impact the album?”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “We’re professionals Pete. Jesus, we’ve been together for a month and a half, so you tell me, has it had any vast impact on our recording?”

Steve sighed, “She has a point.”

“Finally! Thank you Jinxsy!”

Pete rubbed his hand against the back of his neck, “That doesn’t keep me from being worried that now that it’s out in the open things are going to be different.”

“Why? Do you think he’s going to give me preferential treatment or something? Suddenly, it’s going to be whatever I want, and none of you matter? C’mon you all are much smarter than that, and I think at this point Fargo has made it clear he’s committed to helping _all of us_ make this album amazing.”

Helena fought against the emotion building in her throat, not wholly willing to admit the force with which Claudia’s words had hit her. She shook her head slightly, “Ok, fine. That is all perfectly true, but what about outside of the studio. I mean, I think we can all admit that we’re more than just a band here, we’re together all the time, all of us. Don’t you feel like now it’s going to feel like we’re always at work? We’ll all go out to dinner and we’ll just end up discussing the album.” Helena’s stomach twisted oddly at that thought, the possibility that their lives were no longer their own.

Claudia rolled her eyes, her voice flaring back to life, “That’s _life_ , H.G.! We _are_ always at work. That’s the nature of this life. If we’re not in the studio, we’re writing. If we’re not writing, we’re performing. If we’re not performing, we’re in meetings. This is it. This is what our life is like, and it doesn’t make one damn bit of difference whether I’m with Todd or with Fargo or with someone else, _that_ reality isn’t going to change.”

Helena’s tone rose to match Claudia’s, “It _doesn’t make a difference_? You don’t think it makes a difference that you didn’t tell any of us, that you didn’t tell _me_ , that you broke up with Todd? You don’t think it makes a difference that this huge thing had happened to you, and you kept it to yourself? After you forced yourself into my apartment and wouldn’t let me wallow after everything happened with Myka and I because you didn’t want me dealing on my own? After all of that, you didn’t think that _I_ might be someone you could tell about Todd? That maybe finding out like this might not do some damage?”

Helena’s words hung there between all of them like lead, pressing down on their shoulders until it felt like they were sinking, sucking all of the air out of the room, and leaving them all heaving and breathless. Everything she said was true, and Helena could tell by the look on Claudia’s face that it had sunk in. If Helena was being honest, she didn’t care about the conflict of interest, or the work complications, or the impact this had on their group dynamic. The only thing she cared about was that Claudia had kept it from them, from _her_.

Claudia’s voice came out small and biting, the tears that had been threatening all night finally falling freely, “Maybe I didn’t tell you because _he_ broke up with _me_ , because he took one look at the way our lives were starting to get out of control and he said he couldn’t handle it. He took one look at our schedule and how little we were going to see of each other and he _bailed_ because it’s _too fucking hard_. Maybe I didn’t tell _you_ , H.G. because it was our lives being how they are that broke us apart. Maybe I didn’t tell _you_ , because I was trying to protect you, protect _all of you_ , from that reality. The reality that this life can break everything you’ve loved apart.”

The silence that hung between them, between Claudia and Helena, was deafening. It was too much. Too much reality. Too much hurt. It had finally happened. Something had struck between them that had caused a fracture, and Helena feared that the crack that was starting to pulse under her feet would soon become a chasm, dragging them all down into nothingness.

Claudia’s eyes swept around their group, their _band_ , their _family_ , taking in the stricken faces, the sunken eyes, the hopelessness that hung there. She took a deep breath; they finally got it. Now they knew. Now reality was upon them. She pushed herself off the wall, shoving her hands into her pockets, “That’s what I thought. I’m pretty sure none of you have anything else to say to me now, and even if you do, I don’t think I want to hear it, not tonight. Fargo gets it. He _gets_ this life. He knows and he understands and goddammit I _like_ him, so you all are going to have to deal, and I’m sorry if that seems unfair or selfish or hypocritical or _whatever_. It’s how it is. And I’m done, I’m done with this conversation. I just…I need some air.” 

They all watched in abject silence as she picked up her guitar case and left, leaving only the shattered echo of the bell above the door ringing in her wake.

Pete sank down on the stage, quickly followed by Steve. Helena felt numb, like her limbs were rock solid and she wouldn’t be able to move even if she wanted to. She watched in a kind of detached haze as Pete and Steve’s heads hung in unison. She heard as if from underwater Pete whisper, “I have no idea what we do now.”

Steve’s voice was ragged, “I don’t either. I…I never thought we’d do this. Be that group that went at each other’s throats.”

“She’s so pissed. Fuck, maybe she _should_ be. I don’t know. God, I just have no fucking clue. We have shows this weekend…”

Steve sucked in a deep breath of air, “I just can’t believe she didn’t tell us about Todd. I tell her everything…I just…I mean I get it…but I just don’t understand…”

Helena bit down on her bottom lip, fighting back tears. The betrayal was so heavy in Steve’s voice, and she knew that if she spoke up it would be so self-evident in hers that she would collapse under the weight of it. She stood there stunned, no longer taking in the quiet words that were passing between Steve and Pete. She felt overcome with a distinct need to _get out_ , or at least to get away from this space, from the dead air that hung with all their shattered words. Finally, she willed her body to move, clearing her throat, “I’m going upstairs…I can’t…I don’t know how to process this…not tonight. Just…just lock the door behind you when you leave.”

She walked past them, trying to move quickly in a vain attempt to make all of this disappear. Pete grabbed her wrist before she could fully walk away. She turned to him, her own shining eyes mirrored in his. He swallowed hard, “H.G. don’t…don’t fall down this hole. Don’t let it...you and Myka…”

Helena took a shuddering breath, “Peter I wish with every fiber of my being that I could tell you that I won’t…that it won’t…”

“But you can’t…” he grimaced.

“No, I can’t.”

**

Myka was still in the kitchen when she heard the door open and close with a definitive snap. She hurriedly finished pouring Helena a glass of wine, before grabbing her own plus Helena’s and making her way to the living room. Steadying the glasses in her hands, she walked into the living room already ready to dive into the conversation, “What the actual _fuck_ …”

Her words died in her throat as she took in Helena slumped against the door, head in her hands, small sobs shaking her shoulders. The glasses hit the table a little too hard where she set them down, but she was too distracted to care about the wine now sloshing onto the surface, “Oh God…Helena…” She crossed the room in quick strides, wrapping her arms around Helena’s heaving shoulders. One of her hands stole into Helena’s hair, gripping lightly at the back of her head as Helena nestled against her neck, her other hand resting securely against the small of Helena’s back, rubbing small circles into tense muscles. She ran her hand steadily down through Helena’s hair, whispering, “Oh Swagger…” God she didn’t know what else to say. She had absolutely no clue what had gone on downstairs after she’d left. All she knew was that the Claudia and Todd cat was out of the bag and it didn’t seem to have gone over well, but she had to admit, she wasn’t exactly expecting a sobbing Helena Wells in her apartment as a result of it. 

As Helena’s breathing started to even out, Myka pulled back on her hold slightly, fingers reaching to cup Helena’s chin, encouraging their eyes to meet. Myka gave her a soft smile, thumbs coming up to wipe away the tears that were still chasing down her cheeks, “Let me guess, you’ve had a rough night?” Myka let a small, teasing smirk pull at her lips, trying to lighten the mood.

A small puff of laughter escaped Helena’s lungs, “And here I didn’t think I was quite so transparent.”

Myka leaned in and pressed a whisper of a kiss to Helena’s lips, “I have wine and plenty of it. We can talk about it, or we can curl up on the couch and watch horrendous movies and not say one word about whatever it is that happened down there. Totally your call.”

Helena let out a shaky breath, “Wine would be marvelous. As for the other options…I’m not sure yet.” 

“Understandable,” Myka nodded and moved to turn back to the couch, but then Helena was reaching out for her and gripping onto her forearm, pulling her back in and squeezing her tightly. Myka was quick to respond, despite being glad that Helena couldn’t see the look of confusion on her face, because _this_ was just not anything she was used to with Helena. Her confusion only grew deeper when she felt Helena’s lips mumbling against her neck, “I love you. You know that right?”

Myka squeezed her tighter, “Of course I do. I love you too…always.”

Helena released her slowly, and Myka could see something shifting in the way that her shoulders tightened and moved, like she was steeling herself for something, though Myka couldn’t say what, all she knew was that it made her stomach twist uncomfortably. Helena gave her an uncertain smile, “So, you mentioned wine.”

Myka forced a smile, because everything about this was too unsettling, and then simply turned back to the table to retrieve the glasses she had previously abandoned. She waited until Helena had slumped onto the couch before handing her a glass, then she settled into the opposite end of the couch, pulling Helena’s ankles into her lap. 

She didn’t say a word, simply sipped her wine and waited while the tension in her own shoulders grew with each passing, silent second. Eventually, Helena just started _talking_ , in a voice that was just this side of contained, “Claudia told us about _Fargo_. She told us that they’d been together for six weeks. _Six weeks_! And none of us have had any bloody clue. God, Steve looked like she had slapped him when he realized she’d been keeping it from him, and I just don’t get it. How she could think that this was the right way to tell us? That we would just go with it like it wasn’t any big deal? She was being completely irrational and ugh,” Helena’s hands reached out to strangle dead air, “until this day I have never thought of Claudia as some young _kid_ , but Jesus tonight she acted like it. The things she said…it was like she didn’t even care about the impact they were going to have, she just went straight in where she knew she could hit us all the hardest, and trust me it worked, and then she just _left_. She left and I have no idea what we’re going to do. We have shows this weekend and at this point I don’t even want to _speak_ to her, let alone see her, and I have no idea what that means.”

Myka waited, waited until it seemed like the train of Helena’s words had stalled, and only then did she speak, choosing her words carefully, “Claudia is amazing at a lot of things. Dealing with her emotions unfortunately is _not_ one of them. No matter how this happened, how it came out, it was always going to be ugly, because Claud simply cannot deal with stuff like this in any coherent manner.”

Helena bit down on her lip to stall the tears that were building again, “She was completely unrecognizable to me tonight Myka.”

Myka reached over and linked her fingers with Helena’s where they rested on her knee, “Do not hate me for saying this, but this was bound to happen. Whether it was about this or something else, it was inevitable. You guys have just been plugging along for months, and it has all gone smoothly.” Myka rolled her eyes at the scoff Helena gave to that comment, “Ok, it’s gone smoothly between _you four_. You haven’t fought about anything at this point, and that’s…well…that’s not a dynamic you can maintain, not when you’re spending as much time together as you guys are. Something was bound to snap. This just happened to be it. You all just need to give each other a little bit of space, some room to breathe, and once you all cool down, you’ll figure it out. You just need to get back to baseline and refigure out how to keep all of this balanced.”

Helena sighed, “That may be true…but right now…right now I can’t even imagine talking to her, so at the moment I’m having a hard time being rational about any of this.”

Myka realized quickly that she had never heard Helena sound quite so…bitter. She squeezed her hand tightly, noticing the way that she didn’t quite meet her eyes at the movement, just gave her a small, tight smile, eyes remaining focused on the coffee table. Myka lifted Helena’s legs up off of her lap, to allow herself space to slide closer, “Hey…talk to me. I mean I know you’ve been _talking_ , but I can tell there’s something…hovering. Something you aren’t saying. What is it?”

“I don’t want to drag you into this darling.”

Myka’s eyebrows arched, “Bring _me_ into this? What the hell exactly happened down there?”

“Myka…I really don’t want to talk about this.”

A twinge of annoyance tugged at Myka’s muscles. She was missing something, and the fact that Helena was keeping it locked away, the fact that apparently something had been said between them, something about _her_ , well, it was starting to piss her off, “I get that, but if Claudia said something about me, about _us_ , I think I deserve to know what it was.”

Helena just groaned and hung her head, but didn’t say a single word.

Myka’s eyes widened, unsure that she was properly processing what was happening, “She did didn’t she? What the actual fuck? I don’t even want to know how on earth _I_ even got brought into an argument between the four of you, but however it happened, it clearly struck a nerve with you, which means it can’t have been anything good. Helena…please, just tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know what to say Myka.”

Myka rolled her eyes in frustration, “You say whatever Claudia said that pissed you off.”

Helena ran a strangled hand through her hair, her eyes still refusing to meet Myka’s, “I don’t know how to say that to you, Myka.” Myka opened her mouth to respond, a biting comment about _just saying it_ dangling on her tongue, but Helena’s voice kept charging forward, making her swallow her words back down. “I don’t know how to say to you that when we called her out for her relationship with Fargo being a conflict of interest, she basically lashed out at me about how _our_ relationship was _nothing but_ a conflict of interest, and how if we ever broke up, it would make things virtually impossible for the band to figure out how to handle that.”

“Helena…” 

Myka’s words were lost in the ether as Helena just kept going, “I don’t know how to say to you that the reason she didn’t tell _me_ specifically about the fact that she and Todd had broken up was because he left her because the chaos of our lives got to be too much for him. She said he took one look at the way our lives were going and he got the hell out because it was too hard. I don’t know how to say to you that she’s been keeping all of this bottled up because she’s been trying to protect all of us from the reality that sooner or later this life is going to make us lose something we love.”

“Hey…”

“I _don’t know how to say to you_ that Claudia just basically told me that she’s lived out my nightmare, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle that. How I’m supposed to handle the reality that eventually something will have to give. How I’m supposed to handle the reality that our lives have become so bound up in each other that if something goes wrong…it will _all_ go wrong. How I’m supposed to handle the fact that I’m dreading asking you if you found out whether or not you need to be out of town this weekend. How I’m supposed to handle the fact that I’m terrified that what happened down there is just the start of all of this falling apart.”

Finally, Myka just decided to _move_ , to tug at Helena’s legs so that they fell around her waist, leaving her completely nestled between Helena’s knees, to press her hands to Helena’s shoulders and simply refuse to stop until Helena _stopped talking_ and looked at her. Myka gave a small squeeze to those shoulders, her voice rising a bit above the din of all of Helena’s _words_ , “Helena, Helena, just stop for one second.” That was all it took for Helena to look at her, to turn wide, terrified eyes towards her and put an immediate halt to all of her talking. Myka took a deep breath, “Ok…we will deal with everything you just said, but before we do, I have to state the simple fact that I’m wildly _not ok_ with the band fight translating somehow into _us_ fighting, when we have absolutely no reason to be. I get that you’re mad and upset and frustrated and scared, but please, _please_ do not let that get jumbled up somehow into you being mad at me, at us. It will only make things worse.”

Myka paused, waiting to see if Helena would protest. When she didn’t, when all she did was take a deep breath and keep staring at Myka helplessly, Myka went on, “First of all, Claudia was _completely_ out of line to say that to you…the conflict of interest thing that is, because it is wildly unfair to make you feel like the fate of your success hinges upon our relationship. It’s ridiculous and untrue. If we broke up…Jesus…this is ridiculous because there is no reason why we should be having this conversation, but whatever. _If we broke up_ , would it be complicated? At first, yes, but you would all figure it out and you would set boundaries and make sure that you just kept going. If she thinks that little of how connected the four of you are, then that’s her own issue to deal with.”

Myka stopped and took a very deep breath, because the next part of what she needed to say…well…it was complicated, “Second of all…and I will keep on saying this until I run out of breath, _I am not going anywhere_. Todd and Claudia…they’re kids. I mean, yes, Claud is way beyond her years, but when it comes to relationships and dealing with shit like this? They’re kids. We all saw the way that once all this starting rolling with you guys, Claud just _sank_ into it, and didn’t really care a ton about anything else. Do you not remember the talk I had to have with her about whether or not she wanted to stay on at the store? At one point, she told me she hadn’t seen Todd in days, and Helena, that was on _both of them_. That wasn’t the schedules. That was a choice. A choice that they made, a choice to not make their relationship a priority in the midst of the chaos. _They are not us_. I have done this. I have lived this, and yes, I’ve had the one thing I thought I loved most in the world crumble before my eyes because of this life, but that is because Sam and I stopped working at it. We stopped trying. We _let_ the chaos win, and I was as much to blame for that as he was. I _will not_ let the chaos win this time. And will there be sacrifices? Yes. Of course there will, because that’s just what happens. Will we lose time here or there? Yes. Will I have to look at you and say I have to be out of town this weekend? Yes. _But_ will that stop us from making the time we have count? Hell fucking no. I will say that to you as many times as you have to hear it. I don’t care if we’re eighty years old and you guys are still touring with canes and walkers, and you’re still freaked out about the chaos, I will keep saying it. With you and me? The chaos _does not_ get to win. I love you. That’s it. For me? That’s all that matters.”

“Myka…” 

Helena’s tone sounded so defeated, so drained, but Myka just couldn’t give into it…not yet, “No, Helena. _Do not_ give up on me. Please. I can hear it in your voice, and it is written all over you. I can see how much this got to you, and I get it. I do…just please… _please_ do not let it win…” The rest of her words died out as her voice cracked throughout her entire last sentence. She wanted so badly to be strong, to show Helena that they _could be_ strong, but looking at her right now, seeing, _feeling_ how close she seemed to be to just giving up. It made Myka feel like her heart was ready to completely give out.

Helena closed her eyes against the tears that were falling down her cheeks, gripping onto Myka’s hand like it was the last thing holding her to the earth, “I am _so_ sorry love. I’m just…I’m just having a difficult time keeping everything in perspective, keeping everything balanced. It’s been weighing lately, and well, Claudia chose a very poor time to lay all my worst fears out in front of me.”

Myka bit down on her lip, trying not to focus on the fact that Helena hadn’t denied that she was debating letting the chaos take over, that she hadn’t said she loved her too, “I know. This is so hard, and sometimes that is just going to take over and try to drain you, and if it does, that’s ok. That’s what I’m here for. Lord knows you’ve lifted me up from that place plenty of times before. I’ve got you through this Helena, just like you’ve got me.” Myka hated that she felt like her last sentence came out more like a question than a definitive statement.

Helena’s eyes flashed with something Myka couldn’t quite name, but she chose to believe that it was hope, “I do…have you. Always. As long as I’m fighting this chaos with you…then there’s no bloody chance it’s going to win. I love you too much to let it.”

A flood of relief raced through Myka’s bloodstream, leaving her skin tingling. She smirked slightly, “There’s my girl. All British swagger and determination.”

Helena chuckled softly, “Yes, well…this beacon of swagger is exhausted and starting to debate the merits of your earlier offer of terrible television and relaxing.”

Myka gave her a small smile, “That offer still stands. Why don’t you go throw some pajamas on and I’ll get something set up.”

“Sounds perfect love.” Helena stood and began to walk towards the bedroom, but immediately turned back around. She moved back to the couch and leaned over Myka, pressing quick, impassioned lips to her mouth, before moving away and resting her forehead against Myka’s, “I do love you, so much. Please tell me you know that, despite how horrendous I’ve acted tonight.”

Myka let out a tiny breath of air, “I do know that Helena. I promise.”

Helena smiled, giving her another peck before retreating to the bedroom. Myka leaned back against the cushions and watched her go, hoping against hope that as much as _she_ knew that Helena loved her, that Helena knew it, _trusted_ it too.

**

Helena was curled into Myka’s shoulder, her eyes straying from the television and drifting into sleep every few minutes, until a thought struck her, making the sleep that was ebbing her away flee completely. She mumbled her words against Myka’s shirt, “Did you say earlier that you do in fact have to be gone this weekend?”

Myka closed her eyes, biting down on her lip. She had hoped Helena would have let that lie until tomorrow, until she felt more at ease with what had happened tonight. She sighed, “I do. That group I’ve been telling you about? They’ve got a whole weekend of shows blocked in Sante Fe.”

“Is this the duo that Jack and Rebecca said reminded them of you and Sam?”

“That’s them. They’re close to wanting to sign a deal, and Jack and Rebecca want to make sure that we’ve got everything in order before we make an offer.”

Helena sighed, though she hoped it didn’t sound _too_ despairing, “Well then, as much as I hate that you’ll be gone, I’m quite proud of you, that Jack and Rebecca have put so much faith in a group you found and are cultivating.”

Myka pressed a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, “Thank you.”

“Of course darling.”

**

A faint buzzing pulled Myka out of sleep with a groan. Instinctively, her arm reached out to the other side of the bed, only to be met with cold sheets. She vaguely remembered Helena leaving far too early, with a soft kiss to her lips, and a whispered, “Keep dreaming, Sleepy.” Myka’s lips pulled into a small smile at the memory, before the buzzing became so insistent, she had to actually acknowledge it. She reached for her phone, eyes straying to the clock, 8:15. She groaned again as she looked at her caller ID, “Tracy Ann, it is 8:15 in the morning and it is my day off. This better be good.”

“Sorry Sleeping Beauty, but you need to wake up.”

There was something in Tracy’s tone that made Myka sit up, “What is it?”

Tracy sighed, “When was the last time you took a stroll through the grocery store dear one?”

“Umm…like two days ago. Tracy, what the hell is going on?”

“What’s going on is there is a photographer in that glorious town of yours that I want to murder.”

A cold sweat instantly broke out on Myka’s forehead, beads dripping down her spine, “Fucking hell. What’s the story?”

Myka could hear Tracy’s teeth gritting around her anger, “It’s one of these bullshit magazines that are nothing but trash, but it’s a picture of Helena having lunch with Leena, and a picture of them hugging, and of course, to _normal_ people it means absolutely nothing, but you can imagine the headlines.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Let me guess? Something about rock star lifestyles and cheating scandals? ‘Are they on the rocks?’”

“That’s the basic gist, only the article focuses a little bit more on how you might get your heartbroken again.”

“Oh Jesus Christ… _you read it_?!”

“Of course I read it Myka! I wanted to see what they were saying so I could prepare you, and so you wouldn’t have to read it yourself.”

Myka’s fingers pinched against the bridge of her nose, “I hate these people. I _hate_ these magazines. Can’t they just leave people alone? Fuck…there could not be a worse week for this to happen. Helena is having a ridiculously hard time right now, and this…well this certainly won’t help. _Goddammit_.”

“Is she there? Can you at least give her fair warning before she finds out in some other way?”

Myka’s eyes strayed to the pillows next to her which still bore a small indentation from Helena’s head. Her fingers reached out and rested in the space, “No…she had to leave early. They had a…shit.” Myka’s words trailed off into nothingness.

“Myka?”

Myka flung her legs out of bed, bounding across the room to grab whatever clothes she could reach, “They have a radio interview this morning. Shit, shit, _shit_.”

“Fuck. Ok, go. Call me later, alright?”

“I will. Thanks Trace.” 

Myka didn’t wait for Tracy’s to respond. She disconnected the call and tucked her phone into the back pocket of the jeans that she had pulled on. She tugged her hair up into a haphazard ponytail, grabbed her keys, and ran down the stairs, not caring that she hadn’t brushed her teeth or that she probably looked like hell. None of that mattered if she could get to the radio station in time.

**

Myka let out a small sigh of relief as she pulled in to the parking lot in time to see them walking towards the building. She vaguely remembered that Helena had told her Kelly needed to see them before their interview, which was why she had to be up early. She threw her car into park and sprinted out of the car, trying her best to not look completely insane, though she was sure the shouting didn’t really help that, “Helena!”

Helena’s head whipped around at the sound of Myka’s voice, her steps stalling immediately. She held up a finger to the rest of the group, “Just…just give me a second.” Helena jogged lightly over to meet Myka, where she was running towards her, anxiety pouring out of every inch of her body. Helena held hands out and cupped Myka’s shoulders, “Darling, what is it? Is everything ok?”

Myka clutched her side, trying to catch her breath, “I needed…to…tell…you.”

“Breathe Myka. It’s ok. Just slow down and breathe, we have time.”

Myka gasped in a large breath, “Stupid…fucking…magazine.”

Helena rolled her eyes slightly, “Darling, I really need full sentences here, and you gasping for breath isn’t really helping that.”

Myka’s breath finally started to even out, “Tracy called me this morning. She was at the store. There’s a story, some stupid photographer snapped pictures of you having lunch with Leena the other day, and they ran with it, as they do, and well…I didn’t want you getting blindsided if it came up in the interview.”

Helena’s face paled, her heart rate picked up, “What do you mean ‘ran with it?’”

“They turned it into a huge story that you’re cheating on me.”

“Bloody hell…” Helena ran a tense hand through her hair, “This is ridiculous.”

Myka reached out and stilled Helena’s hand in her own, “I know. I know it is, and it fucking sucks, and I know we’ve tried to avoid shit like this as much as possible, but it’s here and we just have to deal with it.”

Helena’s eyes fell away from Myka’s, her breath coming in shorter gasps, “Add it to the list, I suppose. One more thing to _deal with_.”

Myka’s stomach lurched so hard, she almost fell forward, “Swagger…”

Helena steeled her shoulders, standing up a little straighter with a shake of your head, “No, you’re right. We’ll deal with it. I…I really need to get going, or we’re going to be late.”

As Helena rose up, Myka sank further. Helena’s voice sounded so foreign, so distracted and almost _cold_. Pricks of anxiety tingled across her skin, she squeezed Helena’s hand, trying not to panic when the motion wasn’t returned, “If they ask…”

“I’ll deal with it. It’ll be fine.”

Myka hung her head, before looking back up into Helena’s eyes that couldn’t quite meet her gaze, “Ok. Well…good luck, I guess.”

“Thank you darling.” Helena leaned in and pressed a very light, very _casual_ kiss to Myka’s lips, “Love you.”

Myka bit back a sigh, “I love you too.”

She watched as Helena walked away without a single glance back. She watched as Pete reached out to put a hand on her shoulder when Helena approached, watched as she shook off the offer and walked straight into the building. Pete turned to look at Myka, where she remained rooted to her spot on the sidewalk, concern etched across his face. He gave her a tight smile, looking back towards the door where the rest of them had disappeared into the building. He moved one foot towards the building before turning around and running towards her. Instantly, she was in his arms choking out a sob. She felt his hand run down the back of her head, “Shh…Mykes, it’ll be ok. I promise. Whatever it is, it’ll be ok. I’ve got you.”

“You’re going to be late,” Myka mouthed into his shirt.

“Don’t care. They can wait.” 

He held her tighter, but Myka pulled away wiping furiously at her eyes, “No, Pete, you have to go, you can’t leave them waiting. I’ll be ok.”

“You’re a shitty liar Myka.”

She let out a watery chuckle, “Yeah, well…doesn’t change the fact that you _do_ need to go.”

Pete groaned, “Ok, _fine_ , but I will call you the second we’re done. You’re off today right?” Myka gave him a small nod. “Ok, then this afternoon is Myka and Pete time. No questions asked.”

“Not like anyone else will want to see me it would seem, so, sounds good.”

“Self-pity doesn’t look good on you Mykes. We’ll deal with it, I promise.” He tucked his fingers underneath her chin, “I love you tall gal.”

“Love you too.”

Pete pulled her in for another hug before running back inside the building. She finally allowed her feet to walk back towards her car, fresh tears running down her cheeks. Fear roiled in her stomach that this was the last straw, that this was the last bit of chaos that would make Helena give in. This was the last thing they needed this week, and yet it was here and it wasn’t going anywhere. When she got in the car, she rested her head against the steering wheel. This whole time she had been worried that this life would get the best of _her_ , she never imagined that she needed to be worried that Helena would be the one to run.

**

The second their interview ended, each of their phones buzzed simultaneously. They exchanged hesitant glances, before they all pulled out their phones.

_“My office. Now.”_ Kelly. The exact same message to all four of them, and clearly she wasn’t happy. 

Pete let out a low whistle, “I think we’ve just been called to the principal’s office.

Claudia groaned “We were supposed to have the rest of the day off. What does she want?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “What do you think she wants? Do you think that the last half an hour just went well, Claudia? She’s calling us in because we just made complete rubbish out of that interview.”

Claudia opened her mouth to respond, her eyes narrowing into something cold, but before she could say anything Steve stepped between them with his arms out, trying to placate them both as best he could, “Let’s just go over there and see what she has to say, ok? Let’s not do this here. This has been bad enough without us airing all of our issues in the middle of the radio station.”

Helena nodded, eyes refusing to meet Claudia’s, “Quite right, Steven. Let’s go.”

**

Kelly didn’t even wait for them to sit down before she started talking, well, yelling, “What the _hell_ was that? Because whatever it was, it was not the four of you. I didn’t even recognize the people I was listening to. I mean, Jesus, that guy starts going at H.G. about this fucking tabloid story and Pete is the _only one_ who steps in and tries to do something about it? I swear to God, it sounded like you guys didn’t even care! Not about the album, not about your upcoming shows, certainly not about each other. You all are going to sit down and tell me what the hell happened in there.”

They each sank into the chairs surrounding Kelly’s desk. Claudia wouldn’t even look at any of them, Steve decided his fingernails were the optimal choice for attention, and Pete kept tipping back on the chair’s back legs trying to act nonchalant. They sat in abject silence, Kelly staring at them, waiting, until finally Helena groaned, “ _Fine_. If no one else is willing to say something, I will. We are in the middle of a bit of a disagreement of sorts, we had a rather large argument about it last night, and well, clearly we aren’t handling it well.”

Kelly narrowed her eyes, “Disagreement about what?”

Helena opened her mouth to speak, but Claudia cut across her, “Oh my dating life of course. Because it’s clearly the main thing we need to be worried about right now.”

“Claud…do not start this again,” Steve gritted his teeth around the words.

Claudia held up her hands in surrender, “She asked. I’m simply stating the truth.”

Kelly slapped her hands against her desk, “No, _hell no_ , there will be none of this bullshit sniping in my office. You can do that on your own time. I have other meetings this morning, so we’re going to get straight to the point without any of the excessive commentary. Claudia, who are you dating? What happened to Todd?”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “We broke up. I’m dating Fargo.”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Kelly’s hands covered her face. She dragged in a couple of deep breaths before letting her hands fall, “For how long?”

“Six weeks.”

Kelly gave a bit of a sarcastic nod, “Of course it’s been that long. And I’m guessing you all just found out about this last night and it didn’t go well.”

Helena scoffed, “That would be putting it mildly.”

Kelly leveled a heavy gaze at the four of them, “So what are you going to do about it?”

Steve’s voice came out a bit hesitantly, “We haven’t quite figured that out yet.”

“Well, you better.” Kelly’s tone was hardened, steely. She hadn’t had to do this with them yet, and it’s not that she hadn’t been expecting it, because it always happened, without fail, _the argument_ , but now that it was here, she wasn’t going to sugarcoat things, she never did. They needed to realize how crucial of a point they were at, “Listen, what’s happening right now? This moment is going to decide for you how your future is going to play out. When I met you guys, I saw how close you were, and I thought, great, they’re friends, they’re close, that will make this easier, because you know how to deal with each other. However, when I heard you guys this morning I realized that it’s also a massive fucking complication, because _everything_ is personal. There’s no separation for you four. This isn’t just a job or a career. This is your lives. This is your relationships. So, you have to decide _right now_ , if you’re going to be that group that can’t handle your shit, that goes off on each other when things get hard, that digs their heels in and refuses to work together, or if you’re going to be what I think you are…a family. A family that sticks together and deals with the tough stuff in a real way, not like how you dealt this morning. I don’t want to know the details of what was said, and honestly, Claud if you want to date Fargo, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the band and your recording, do whatever you want, I don’t care. However, I will say, if I ever have to listen to you four, you four that I know love each other, let one of you get thrown under the bus like H.G. did this morning, you won’t want to see what that meeting looks like. You have to decide if you guys can handle this. It’s as simple as that…and as complicated as that.” She glanced down at her watch and then back up at the four of them, each of whom now looked sheepish, embarrassed, and hurt. She sighed, they had to deal with this on their own. She was their manager, and now was the time to push them out on their own. She stood up, “I have meetings, so I’m going to leave you here to talk. I will say, one more time, that I believe you four could do great things, amazing things even, but it’s up to you if that’s what you want.”

They sat in silence after they heard Kelly’s shut the door behind her. The air hung between them, filled with the weight of all Kelly had just laid at their feet. 

Finally, Claudia’s voice emerged, tiny, a little tight, “That jackass had no right to ask you about those things this morning H.G.”

Helena scoffed, “Yes, well, can you really expect him to not run with such a story?”

Pete made a frustrated noise, “We should have done more. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Nothing to be done about it now. It doesn’t matter, this whole bloody city probably thinks I’m a cheating whore at this point, so I doubt it would have made any difference.”

Steve’s voice came out unexpectedly loud, “Hey! Stop. Just stop. Helena, everyone is this city knows that story was total bullshit. That interviewer knew it was too. That magazine is a total rag, trust me, I can show you some of the things they’ve written about Liam.” He groaned and rubbed his hands across his head, standing up in frustration, “You see? This? _This_ is our problem. We keep letting the little bullshit things that are completely inconsequential trip us up and it’s ridiculous. We all know that last night wasn’t about Claudia dating Fargo at all, it was about the fact that Kelly’s right, we’re a family and you kept something like that from us Claudia. For me, I don’t care who you date, because I know you, and I know you’ll keep your boundaries and I know how much what we’re doing means to you, so I know you won’t jeopardize it. What I care about is that the four of us are _the four of us_ , and if you felt like you couldn’t talk to us about that? That’s a problem. And H.G. the same goes for you here. A little heads up that this was going on with you and Myka this morning would have been helpful instead of you blowing us off when we asked why she showed up this morning. If we’re going to do this, we have to _talk_ , we have to be who we are, not who’ve been the last couple of days. If we keep going like this…well…I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to sacrifice my relationships with the four of you, all for the sake of doing this.”

Pete sighed, taking in the tears that were building in both Claudia and Helena’s eyes, “Can we all just state what I think we’ve been refusing to say for the last couple of months? This is fucking terrifying. All of this. It’s awesome and exciting, but it is _fucking terrifying_ , and we’ve all been so wrapped up in trying to be ok one hundred percent of the time and being optimistic that we’ve all been afraid to say that we’re scared. Well, I’m going to say it. I’m scared. I’m scared out of my mind. I’m getting married in like ten months, and then we’re going to go out on tour, where there will be parties and alcohol and a whole life I’ve worked really hard to stay away from. I’m going to be away from my stability and my process and my _wife_ , and I’m terrified.”

“Pete…” Claudia’s voice was hushed, awed almost.

Steve leaned against the wall with a soft chuckle, “I haven’t talked to Liam in three days and it is killing me. We keep playing phone tag and we’ll send each other stupid little videos of us just saying hi or something, but I haven’t _talked_ to him and it’s driving us both insane. I go home to an empty apartment and I count down the days until he comes home, and then I realize that once he’s home, it won’t be long until _I’m_ the one leaving. And there are photographers and journalists and people who just want to _know everything_. The other day there was a headline about whether or not we were together just for the sake of our careers because we aren’t all over each other in public. It’s never-ending and we joke about just holing up in the apartment and never leaving, until we both realize we love what we do, and then we have to come to terms with everything we have to deal with all over again.”

Helena hung her head in her hands, her lungs tightened in her chest as she let the words _pour_ out of her, “I don’t know how to handle all of this chaos, and I keep thinking it will get easier, and it doesn’t, and Myka is so terrified that I’m going to give up…on everything. On this. On us. On our relationship. And all I want is to reassure her that I won’t, that I can deal, but I’ve come to realize that all this time I’ve been so worried about Myka running away that I never gave one thought to the fact that all my life that’s all I’ve done too. When life gets hard, I run. I ran away from London, from my family, from my job. When everything fell apart in New York, rather than sticking it out, I ran here. Everyday I’m terrified that something is going to happen to push me over the edge, and I can see that fear in Myka’s eyes too. I want this life. _I do_. I love our music and what we have. I love Myka…more than I ever imagined possible. Yet, I hate the insanity, and I’m petrified that I’m going to let it win. I’m petrified that now that I have everything I could have ever imagined wanting, I’m going to lose it because I’m a coward.”

None of them looked at Claudia. None of them wanted her to feel forced to say a thing, but eventually they watched as she sank out of her chair and onto the floor, back leaning against Kelly’s desk. She never looked at any of them, her gaze focused on her fingers, “I know what it’s like to lose my family, to feel like I’ve lost everything that meant anything, and I had told myself that I would never put myself in the position to do that ever again, and then I met Myka, and God everything changed. I can’t imagine my life without any of you now, and last night, I felt like everything was slipping out of my fingers. It wasn’t about Fargo, it was about worrying that I was losing your support, and it scared the hell out of me. All of this, the band, the music, it’s great, it’s fucking fantastic, and I want to keep going, but if it was a choice between our family and this life, it’s our family, every time.”

Pete sank down next to Claudia on the floor, quickly followed by Helena and Steve. Pete rested his head against the desk, “So…what are we going to do?”

“We fight, we fight off the terror and we make this life what we want it to be,” Helena even surprised herself with her words. They certainly sounded more confident than she felt.

Steve slung an arm around Claudia’s shoulders, “I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I have way too many jokes to make about the faces you make when you play your guitar for us to give up right now.”

Claudia gave a small chuckle, “Don’t get me started Jinxsy.”

Pete suddenly cleared his throat, turning apologetic eyes to Claudia, “I am sorry about how poorly I reacted yesterday Claud. I was out of line.”

Helena and Steve echoed the sentiment, only to be met with Claudia’s watery smile, “I’m pretty sure I’ve already forgiven you. Though…H.G…I…this morning…I should have…”

Helena reached over and wrapped a hand around Claudia’s wrist, “It’s forgotten darling. It’s alright.”

Pete looked at each of them, goofy smile starting to tug at his mouth, “So? We’re good? We’re not breaking up? We’re determined to keep kicking ass and taking names?”

Helena let out a small burst of laughter, “I would say that’s a fairly accurate assessment Peter.”

Pete clapped his hands, “Excellent! Because I am starving.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “Of course you are Pete, you are breathing after all.”

“Damn straight.” Pete tugged her up and into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “We’ve got you, ya know? Family. Always.”

Claudia’s voice was muffled against Pete’s chest, “I know.”

Steve and Helena stood and joined the small, tight hug. Steve gave Helena’s shoulder a light squeeze, “We’ve all got each other, through whatever happens.”

Helena gave him a small nod. She wanted to believe it. She _had_ to believe it. She couldn’t fathom the consequences otherwise.

**

Myka laid on her couch, trying desperately to not _freak out_. To not freak out because Helena wasn’t there. To not freak out because she hadn’t heard from her since this morning. Pete had told her when he came over that afternoon that they’d had an intense morning at Kelly’s, that they had gotten a lot off of their chests and that she probably just needed time to process, and Myka _got that_ , she really did. However, that didn’t keep her from being right where she was, frozen on her couch, on the brink of absolute freak out. 

Finally, she let out an annoyed groan and reached for her phone. Desperation be damned.

_“Hey…everything alright over there?”_

**

Helena’s phone buzzed gently against where it rested on her thigh. She took a slow sip of wine as she watched the sun dip below the horizon from her balcony. She knew she should be at Myka’s. If she was honest, she wanted nothing more than to be at Myka’s, but she knew she needed this space, this time. She knew what she wanted, but she had to be _sure_ , sure that she could get her head on straight and not run, not totally fuck up everything they had been building. She had to be sure she wasn’t going to break Myka’s heart. She was going to fight the chaos, and she was determined to win, but tonight she needed to fight that battle alone. 

She flipped open the text with a soft smile.

_“I am…processing. It’s been a rather long day…”_

**

Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Processing is not a _bad_ thing.

_“Pete may have mentioned as much this afternoon. Anything I can do to help with the processing?”_

_“Ah my darling Myka and her untangling skills…”_

Myka let out a deep breath. That at least sounded normal, sounded positive.

_“They are always at your disposal. Seriously though…Helena…I’m here.”_

_“I know you are love, I just…I need to get my head around all of this, around everything that has happened lately.”_

Myka’s chest tightened again, afraid to ask what needed to be asked.

_“And I’m guessing you need to do that solo?”_

_“I do darling. Please…please do not read anything into that. I love you. I love you. I just need a bit of time to get my head clear.”_

“You can deal with that,” Myka whispered to herself, trying anything to give herself the reassurance she was craving.

_“I get that. Take your time. I know how hard this is, and I’m sorry it’s all been happening so quickly and all at the same time. It’s a lot to handle. That’s not to say I won’t miss you tonight though…”_

_“Whatever will you do without my cold feet to keep warm?”_

_“I may melt. If there’s no one to seep out all my warmth, my body might not be able to handle it.”_

_“Thank you love…for understanding. I’m sorry I’ve been having such a difficult time lately, that it’s affected us so much, that this is what I need to deal.”_

_“Helena don’t apologize. You need to do whatever you need to in order to deal with all this insanity. If you need some space to think, I’m not going to resent that. I will miss you, but I’m not going to hold it against you.”_

_“You, Myka Bering, are far too good for me.”_

_“No…Helena Wells, I am perfect for you because I happen to love your brand of crazy.”_

_“And here I thought that was my line?”_

_“It usually is…but I’m stealing it for the moment.”_

_“I’ll let it slide this once love.”_

Myka looked down at her watch, realizing what time it was, and where they usually were at this time on a Wednesday.

_“I just realized, this is your first Wednesday night off since, well, your first Wednesday. How does it feel?”_

_“Odd. I believe Vanessa needs to reconsider her whole closing the café simply because she’s on vacation thing.”_

_“She likes to be there when they’re open, if she’s not she gets antsy. This is the only way she’s figured out how to actually relax on vacation.”_

_“Well…it’s messing with my schedule. I don’t like it.”_

_“Maybe that’s why this week has been so spectacularly shitty. Regents karma.”_

_“That sounds like a highly probable theory darling.”_

_“Well, since it is a Wednesday night, I suppose I should still try and get some work done, give myself some semblance of normalcy.”_

_“Off to your piano keys love?”_

_“They are calling to me. Give me a call before you go to bed?”_

_“Absolutely darling. I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

Myka sighed and locked her phone. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. It _will_ be ok. She slumped onto the piano bench, head hitting the keys with a dull thud. She really hoped she would believe that by the end of the night.

**

Myka glared at her alarm clock, red numbers searing into her retinas, 2:45. She let out a low groan, flipping over gracelessly, flinging an arm out and over the too cold sheets that were next to her. She buried her head into her own pillow, trying to drown out the light from the clock, the noise from the fan, the pulsing of her own heartbeat in her ears. Eventually, she gave it up as a useless effort, and did the only thing she could think to do. Her hand groped in the darkness for the pillow lying unoccupied on the other side of the bed. Once her fingers curled around it, she tugged it over and into her chest, nestling into the feel of it, letting the lingering wafts of vanilla fill her nostrils, letting it slowly lull her to sleep. This was the closest she was going to get to Helena tonight, and she was going to take it for whatever it was worth. She would try anything. 

She took in one more deep breath, willing her mind to shut off. Willing her mind to forget that for the second night in a row she was going to bed alone. That somewhere across town Helena was _willingly_ going to be alone too. That she had to leave for Sante Fe tomorrow morning, for three straight days away from Helena, for three straight days of letting Helena continue to sink and wallow in the chaos of her own mind, for three straight days of letting Helena try and figure all of this out. Finally, her mind tugged her away to sleep, though not without a fight, as her pulse beat against her veins her steady mantra of the last 48 hours that was starting to wear thin. _Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out._

**

Myka threw her bag into the back of her car, going over her mental checklist to make sure that she had everything she needed for the weekend. She leaned into the backseat, thumbing through the papers in her messenger bag, triple checking that she had the contracts Jack and Rebecca had given her the day before. Satisfied that they were accounted for, she shut the car door, ready to get on the road, only to hear hesitant footsteps behind her. When she turned around, it took all she had to keep her breath from catching, because even when she looked exhausted, Helena was breathtaking.

Myka offered her a small, crooked smile, suddenly unsure what to say in light of their near radio silence over the last several days. Unconsciously, her hand came up to rub at the back of her neck, “Hey you…”

Helena’s smile was like her footsteps, hesitant, small, barely noticeable, “Hello love.”

“Perfect timing, you just caught me,” Myka made a vague gesture towards her car, “I was getting ready to get on the road. Avoid some of the traffic.”

Helena gave an imperceptible nod, “I figured. That’s why I came…I wanted to make sure I saw you before you left.”

A string of coy comments raced through Myka’s head, but she ignored them. This wasn’t the time for that, not that she was really sure what it _was_ time for in this situation. All she could do was give Helena a small smile, mumbling like a fool, “I’m glad you did.”

Helena’s feet finally started working underneath her, tracing steps until she was directly in front of Myka, fingers instinctively reaching out to link and tangle with Myka’s where they were fiddling with her car keys, “I’m sorry I haven’t been here, that I’ve been so distant from you this week…”

Myka couldn’t meet her eyes, her gaze intent on their linked fingers as she shook her head, “No, Helena…it’s fine…”

“Myka, don’t.” The fingers of Helena’s free hand came up to tuck underneath Myka’s chin, forcing their gaze to meet, “You don’t have to pretend like this hasn’t been hard. You don’t have to pretend like you aren’t upset or bothered or worried. I know you are.”

Myka’s curls bounced as she continued to shake her head, “I’m not upset, really. I mean…” she shrugged, “I get it. You’ve needed space, and yes, I’ve missed you and I’m worried about you, but I’m not mad at you.”

A stray look of guilt flew across Helena’s face, “That still doesn’t keep me from being sorry about not being here the last couple of days, especially when you’re leaving for the weekend.” Helena pathetically gestured towards Myka’s packed car, before running a hand through her hair, “God, I’ve spent all this time worrying about us _losing_ time and then I’ve caused us to do just that.”

Myka grabbed Helena’s hand, “Swagger…two days over the span of a lifetime isn’t really losing time…” Myka attempted a small smirk, tried to keep her tone light, almost teasing, anything to lighten the weight that was hanging over them.

Helena’s chuckle came but it was hollow and broken, sending a shiver through Myka’s body, “A lifetime. With how insane things have been lately, I’m surprised you still _want_ a lifetime.”

“Hey,” Myka pushed off of her car, wrapping tight arms around Helena’s shoulders and pulling her in close, “No amount of insanity, no amount of chaos could make me stop wanting that lifetime Helena. If anything, the last few days have only made me realize all the more how much I _want_ that lifetime _with you_.”

Helena clung to Myka’s waist, “I’m terrified that I don’t know how to do this, that this will never stop feeling impossible.”

The helplessness in Helena’s voice was enough to leave Myka winded. How was she supposed to ease Helena’s fears when she felt the same way on her worst days? She sighed heavily, “Sweets, I love you so much, and I wish I could tell you that I’m not worried at all about any of this, but I can’t. I’m worried too, but I still don’t think this is impossible. I think everyday we’re going to figure out a new way to deal. I think that in the midst of the chaos, you are my center, you keep me grounded, and I would like to hope that I’m that for you too. I think that as long as we refuse to give up, this won’t be impossible.”

“I have no idea when you turned into such an optimist darling,” Helena chuckled and it sounded more genuine as she pulled out of Myka’s arms slightly.

Myka’s eyes blazed into Helena’s, “When I fell in love with you.”

Helena felt all her muscles ease and practically melt, “You…you are something else.”

Myka smirked, “ _I_ am adorable and you love me.”

Helena slipped her fingers through Myka’s belt loops, tugging her closer, “I absolutely _adore_ you, you huge, adorable dork.”

Myka placed a light kiss to Helena’s smile before resting their foreheads together, “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Oh thank you darling.”

“Anytime.”

Helena sighed, “I’m going to miss you…”

“I know…I’m going to miss you too,” Myka let out a soft breath. Her eyes drifted to Helena’s, where they were closed in the first peaceful look Myka had seen in weeks. Suddenly, a thought struck her, “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?”

Helena looked at her quizzically, “Not much. Kelly gave us the weekend off to ‘get our shit together’ as she so lovingly put it.”

Myka chuckled, “Well then…come with me.”

“What?” Helena pulled back, eyes wide.

Myka tucked a stray hair behind Helena’s ear, “ _Come with me_. If you’re free this weekend, then why do we have to spend it apart?”

“I’m…I’m not packed…and you’re getting ready to leave.”

Myka shrugged, “I _was_ leaving ridiculously early. There’s still plenty of time to swing by your place, get your stuff, and get on the road.”

Helena fought to keep the giddiness out of her voice, “I thought you had to work this weekend? I wouldn’t want to _distract_ you.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Trust me, being away from you is far more distracting.”

“Well that is probably true, but while I do appreciate the offer love, I am serious, don’t you have to work?”

“I do, but it’s not anything that would be disrupted by you being there. I have a couple shows to go to, one tonight, one tomorrow, both of which you’d be totally welcome at, since I’m usually just sitting there by myself. Then I do have a couple of fairly informal meetings tomorrow and Sunday, but you could relax at the hotel, which is ridiculously nice, or you could go out and see the city a bit while I’m gone. Other than that the rest of the time would be ours.”

“That sounds absolutely lovely darling.” Helena bit down on her bottom lip, suddenly nervous, “And you’re sure you want me to come?”

Myka groaned and tugged Helena towards her, lips pressing firmly against Helena’s. She pulled away with a smirk, “Does that answer your question?”

Helena chuckled, though it came out huskier than she intended, “I believe it does.”

**

An hour into their drive, Myka’s phone rang. She chanced a quick look towards Helena, whose forehead was resting against the window, eyes closed, while her fingers maintained a firm grip on Myka’s thigh, just above her knee. For all intents and purposes, she seemed like she was asleep, she _finally_ seemed relaxed. Myka let out a small sigh and clicked her phone over, “Hey Trace.”

“Hello my dear sister! How goes the drive?”

“You sound way too chipper. What do you want from me?”

Tracy scoffed, “I am completely offended by that. Can’t I simply call when I’m in a good mood?”

“No,” Myka deadpanned.

Tracy let out an exaggerated groan, “ _Fine_. Though I _was_ calling to check on your drive and on _you_ , I am also calling on behalf of our dear, darling mother.”

“Oh Lord…”

“Your birthday is coming up.”

“Thank you Captain Obvious,” Myka chuckled.

Tracy let out another groan, “ _Do not_ make this harder than it already is woman. Mom wants us to have dinner… _all of us_ to have dinner.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake.”

“Myka, it _is_ your birthday. What were planning on doing? Telling Dad he simply wasn’t allowed to come?”

Myka let a hand drift down from the steering wheel to rest against Helena’s, seeking to obtain a modicum of calm from the connection, “I don’t know. Maybe? Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it much, you know how things have been…”

“I know, and I’m sorry that the timing is so shitty, but just think about it ok? It’d only be a couple of hours, and you would have me and Kevin _and_ Ethan as a buffer.”

“Using your child as a bargaining chip huh?”

“Hey, mother informed me I had to do whatever it took.”

“She’s persistent, I will give her that.”

“Something neither of us would know nothing about whatsoever.”

Myka chuckled, “No, not at all.” She sighed, “I’ll think about it, _and_ I’ll have to talk with Helena about it. Her last encounter with dad wasn’t exactly spectacular, and if she wouldn’t be comfortable being there, well I’d have to consider that.”

“Understandable. _Speaking of_ the elephant in the room, as it were…”

“Oh Ethan would be proud of you for that one Trace.”

“I know, I am categorically brilliant. _Anyway_ , how are things on that front?”

Myka looked over at Helena again, making sure she still seemed to be asleep, “Well, given that she’s currently in the car with me, I’d say things are… _improving_?”

“She’s going to Sante Fe with you?”

“Kelly gave them the weekend off. They’ve had a long week, so I figured why not take advantage of the extra time.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll do _just that_ dearest.”

“Ugh, Tracy _do not_ go there with me, please. In my mind, you don’t even know how to process those sorts of things. You’re still twelve.”

“With a four year old...how is NASA not studying me yet?”

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious though Myka. Are things really ok? When I talked to you yesterday, you sounded…well…you sounded like you were on the brink of total freak out.”

Myka sighed, “I was. I’m still kind of teetering on that edge I think, but I’m starting to walk it back a bit. I think the weekend will help. I mean, God, we haven’t had this much solid time together in I don’t know how long.”

“And you’re suddenly ok with the fact that she stayed away from you for two straight days?”

“It’s not that I _wasn’t_ ok with it in the first place. I mean I get it…I do. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard, but I understand. I understand that need for space.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt Myka.”

“I know, and I love you for that. It’s just…this life? It’s crazy and it’s hard and sometimes it’s going to be like this, and that means that sometimes that space is going to be necessary…for both of us to make sure that we’ve got our heads on straight. However, none of that is going to change the situation I’m in.”

“The whole head over heels, madly in love situation you’ve got going on, you mean?”

Myka rolled her eyes with a laugh, “ _Yes_ , precisely.”

“As long as you’re alright…”

“I’m alright Trace. I’ve got an entire weekend with my girlfriend ahead of me, how could I not be?”

“This is true. Alright, well, I need to get going. Ethan’s still down for at least another half hour, so hopefully I can get a little bit of work done. Drive safe. Call if you need anything.”

“Will do, on both counts, and I _will_ think about my birthday.”

“ _Good_.”

“I love you crazy woman.”

“I love you too Monkey.”

Myka chuckled as she hung up, before she felt Helena’s fingers tighten around her thigh. Helena’s quiet voice drifted through the car, “Do I need to call your sister and tell her that she needs to work on her subtlety?”

Myka squeezed Helena’s fingers, “She’d probably take that as something to be proud of.” Myka paused with a sigh, “I thought you were asleep.”

“I was. I woke up around the part where your _freak out_ was mentioned.”

“Helena…” 

“No, Myka, it’s ok. I just…I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this the last couple of days. I’m sorry that it’s made Tracy worry. I’m…well…I guess I’m just sorry.”

Myka lifted up their entwined fingers to kiss the back of Helena’s hand, “Heard and accepted, and that’s truly the last I want to talk about all of that this weekend, because we have three straight days ahead of us, and I’d really like to _enjoy_ them.”

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, teasing smirk on her lips, “I’ll see what I can do about your _enjoyment_ love.”

Myka felt a small blush creep into her cheeks, “I’m sure you will.”

**

Helena’s attention was torn all night between trying to pay attention to the band on the stage, the band that Myka had discovered, that band that was ridiculously _good_ , and simply being completely enamored by the opportunity to watch Myka _work_ , to be so completely in an element Helena had rarely seen her in that she could barely look away, no matter how good the music was. She kept trying to let herself ease into the music, but she couldn’t keep her eyes from continually straying to where Myka’s pen was relentlessly scratching against her notebook, seemingly finding a never-ending amount of things to make notes about. 

They sat nestled into a round corner booth, near the back of the club, and if Helena was being perfectly honest, while she _did_ want to pay attention to the music, she was simply finding it hard to concentrate on anything other than the feel of Myka’s arm nestled around her shoulders, holding her tightly, the feel of Myka’s ribs expanding and contracting against her side, the overwhelming _peace_ that she felt at just being here with Myka, with absolutely nothing else to worry about. She leaned further into Myka’s hold, sneaking a glance at Myka’s notebook, watching as she wrote out, _“‘I Will Fall—more fade, harder piano.”_

Helena chuckled at the sheer _diligence_ of Myka’s work mode, before leaning in and whispering into her ear, “Would it distract you horribly if I told you that you look quite adorable when you’re focused darling?”

Myka’s body give a small shiver at Helena’s words, though she managed to reign it in quickly, shooting her a small smirk, “Everything about you is distracting Swagger. Maybe that’s why I’m focusing so hard, because if I didn’t…well…there are some lovely, dark corners of this club that I wouldn’t mind exploring…however…”

Helena’s eyes rolled slightly at the wanton tone of Myka’s voice, though she knew hers would do only match it, “ _However_ , you are here to work, and I would be a horrible girlfriend if I made that any more difficult for you than it apparently already is.”

Myka leaned back and pressed a lingering kiss to Helena’s cheek, “Exactly.”

Helena relaxed back into Myka’s arm, putting a small amount of distance between them in an attempt to minimize the _distraction_ , though she still allowed her hand to sneak under the table and curl around Myka’s thigh. She laughed softly at the incredulous look Myka gave her, “Oh don’t look at me like that. This is the bare minimum of distraction I am willing to give you tonight love.” 

Myka bit her lip and turned her attention back to her notebook. Helena returned a modicum of attention back to the duo on stage. She smiled softly, whispering to Myka, “They are _quite_ good.”

Myka arched an eyebrow at her, “Did you expect them not to be?”

Helena shrugged, “I can’t say I knew what to expect really.”

“Doubting your girlfriend’s ability to scout talent are you? Do I need to remind you about Liam?”

Helena pinched her thigh, “Cocky does not suit you darling.”

“Uh huh, you have said quite the opposite in different situations so I’m ignoring that comment.”

“Ignore away. I am serious though, they’re really good. What’s the likelihood of getting them signed this weekend?”

Myka’s forehead furrowed in consideration, “I’d say about eighty percent. In all honesty, I think they’re ready. However, they have one demand that is keeping things a bit tied up.”

“Demands? That seems a bit… _confident_.”

“Well, they know that Jack and Rebecca want them _and_ they have like three other deals on the table, so they’re in a position to bargain.”

Helena eyed Myka carefully, sensing that there was something she wasn’t saying, “So what exactly is holding things up?”

Myka sighed, “Me.”

“You?” Helena’s voice rose in shock and incredulity, “What about you?”

“They said they’ll sign if I agree to produce their album,” Myka’s eyes never strayed from the stage, where they were introducing another song, the first of their encore.

Helena couldn’t help her jaw from hanging ajar. She knew it was something that Myka had considered at various turns, she knew it was something that Fargo had suggested in the past, but she hadn’t thought things had gotten _this far_ in that process. She squeezed Myka’s thigh, “And what do you plan on telling them?”

“I don’t know.”

Helena’s eyes strayed to Myka’s notebook, to the copious notes covering its pages, seemingly all about the two people on stage. She tapped a delicate fingernail against the pages, “One would say from the looks of this notebook, you’ve already made your decision love.”

Myka sighed, “I know…it would just be a lot more work…” The sentence hung between them. Nothing more needed to be said about what more work would imply for the two of them.

Helena kissed Myka’s temple, “I believe this qualifies as a conversation to not be having right at this very moment. Weren’t you the one that wanted a chaos free weekend together?”

Myka smiled softly, “You’re right, I was. So, for tonight at least, we’ll leave it be.”

“Good.” Helena placed another kiss against Myka’s ear, “Let’s just enjoy the last few songs. Keep taking your notes love.” She let her head fall against Myka’s shoulder, trying desperately to ignore the odd twisting that had started in her stomach.

**

As people started to filter out of the club, Myka tugged Helena with her backstage. Helena had attempted to protest, indicating that she didn’t want to get in the way or prevent her from working, but Myka had simply rolled her eyes, told her that she was being ridiculous, and ushered her through the doorway. 

Helena leaned against the wall as Myka’s knuckles rapped against one of the dressing room doors. They were greeted by a slight Southern twang calling out, “It’s open. Come on in.”

Before opening the door Myka whispered, “I should mention, these two are a bit…well, they’re quite the pair, I’ll leave it at that.” 

Helena followed Myka into the room, trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible as a bubbly brunette pulled Myka into a huge hug, “Myka! Here we thought you had skipped out on us. Were you hiding in the back again?”

Myka chuckled softly, “As usual. Can’t have you guys getting nervous because I’m here.”

The girl’s band mate, a tall, scruffy man with a slight European accent laughed soundly, “I’m not sure Sally here is capable of nervous, Myka. You should know that by now.”

Myka smiled, “That is true.”

Helena watched carefully, as the woman, Sally apparently, kept a steady gaze upon Myka. Helena wasn’t sure if it was just focus or politeness or _something else_ entirely. She willed her mind to not wander down that path. 

Almost as though she could sense something shifting in Helena’s presence, Myka turned to her with a beaming smile and an outstretched hand, “Hey you, I want you to meet some people.”

Helena took the proffered hand gratefully, thankful that Myka’s eyes never left hers, even as Sally slapped her shoulder playfully, exclaiming, “And who is this _adorable_ woman, Myka?”

Myka rolled her eyes surreptitiously at Helena, before turning back towards the center of the room, “Sally, Philip, this is my girlfriend Helena.”

Philip reached out a hand to Helena, eyes sparking with excitement as he shook her hand, “You’re the lead singer of ‘Seeking Endless Wonder!’”

Helena chuckled in spite of the blush creeping into her cheeks, “That would be me, yes.”

Philip smiled warmly, “You guys are fantastic. I saw one of your shows in Denver a few weeks ago. I didn’t realize you were Myka here’s gal.”

“Thank you, and you’ll soon learn Myka likes to keep her secrets,” Helena winked, feeling more at ease with Philip’s presence, despite the deafening silence that was exuding from Sally. Helena continued to smile, “Well, you two put on quite the show tonight. Some of your songs…they were powerful.”

That was all it took for Sally to step into the space, a hand coming to rest against Helena’s forearm, “Well, you are a sweetheart. Thank you.”

Myka instinctively slid an arm around Helena’s waist, “Helena’s right. You guys sounded great tonight. I just wanted to come back and make sure we were still on for tomorrow afternoon?”

Philip nodded, “Lunch?”

“Sounds good, I’ll text you details in the morning,” Myka gave them both quick hugs, before gesturing Helena towards the door. 

Helena turned back, paying most of her attention to Philip, “It was nice to meet both of you.”

Philip gave her a soft smile, but Sally’s voice filtered out with them, “Absolutely _lovely_ to meet you.” 

Myka gave them both a swift wave and closed the door quickly behind them. She pulled Helena back down the hall before whispering, “For the love of God, _ignore her_.”

Helena gave her a confused look, “What exactly was all that?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “What that was, was the reality that these two are crazy talented and she is a total pain in the ass. Thankfully, I’ve mostly had to deal with Philip, he does most of their writing.”

“I think I’ve discovered why you’re hesitant to meet their _demands_.”

Myka smirked, “Exactly. Can you imagine _that_ in a recording studio?”

Helena chuckled, “I may have to invest in buying you body armor for your birthday love.”

“ _That_ would be appreciated.” Myka pushed open a back door that led to the parking lot where her car was. She unlocked the doors, but before Helena could open the passenger side, Myka pulled her swiftly into her arms, leaning her back against the car, pressing a languid, soft, _needy_ kiss to her mouth.

When Myka pulled away, Helena couldn’t stop the soft hum that left her lips, “What exactly was that for?”

Myka kissed her again quickly, “Oh a myriad of reasons. I love you. I’m ridiculously glad that you’re here. I am _impatient_ and couldn’t wait until we got back to the hotel.”

Helena pushed off of the car and further into Myka’s hold, wrapping her arms around Myka’s neck, feeling every finger of anxiety in her body recede into nothingness, “Well, as much as it is appreciated love, I do believe that keeping me here in this parking lot is counterproductive to your _impatience_.”

Myka smirked, “I suppose that’s true. Get in the car.”

Helena laughed softly, “As you wish love.”

**

Helena let our a shaky breath as Myka’s fingers skated across her ribs, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. The sound, while leaving Myka breathless, pulled her up short because it sounded almost _too_ desperate, it sounded almost…uncertain. She pushed herself up, resting her weight against her palms on either side of Helena’s head. She leaned down and placed a light kiss to the space between Helena’s eyebrows, watching Helena’s eyes close at the contact and feeling her breath leave her lungs in a short puff against Myka’s skin. Myka reached one hand up, tracing her knuckles across Helena’s cheek, whispering, “Helena…why do you seem nervous?”

Helena tried to fight back a grimace, “I’m sorry love…I just…I just keep thinking that I don’t want to lose this…”

Myka rested her forehead against Helena’s, “Swagger…do you know what I want?”

Helena’s brow furrowed underneath Myka’s, feeling their skin wrinkle and flex together, “What’s that darling?”

Myka maneuvered her hand to resume its path of tracing along Helena’s ribs and side, slowly, soothingly, _teasingly_ , “I want you…I want _us_ both, to just stop _thinking_ so much.” She ran her teeth against the ridge of Helena’s jaw, “I want us both to stop _worrying_.” Her lips moved up to mouth against Helena’s ear, “I want us both to stop acting like we’re just _waiting_ for this to fall apart.” Her fingers moved to grip at Helena’s hip, “We keep digging ourselves into these holes, and we have to stop.” She resumed her position of hovering over Helena, pressing light kisses to her lips as she whispered, “I want you to trust that I love you. I want you to trust that I’ve _got_ you. I want you to trust that you and me? Us? That’s it for me…always.”

“Darling…” Helena’s back arched almost involuntarily under the ministrations of Myka’s very determined fingers that continued to dance across her skin, a barely there touch that was sending waves of heat through her nervous system.

Myka’s gaze met Helena’s, refusing to look away, refusing to be chased away by all pressure that kept pressing down around them, “I’m serious Helena. We have spent so much time… _way too much time_ …worrying. Worrying about the future. Worrying about whether our own worrying is making the other worry. Worrying that the other _isn’t_ worrying. It’s a gigantic waste of our time together.”

Helena gave Myka a smirk that made her stomach twist in ways that made her wonder if she was about to get more than she bargained for. Helena’s fingers slowly tripped down the ridges of her spine, “And I’m guessing that you have much better ideas for how we can spend our time together…”

Myka rolled her eyes, and allowed her hips to rock _just so_ , with just enough friction to be noticeable, “I believe it is fairly apparent that I have some _spectacular_ ideas on that front. However,” she pressed up further on her palms, creating a minimum amount of distance between their bodies, “I am serious. I hate seeing you so uncertain. I hate seeing you with that look on your face like the world is about to slip right out from under you.”

Helena sucked in a deep breath, “The problem is love, sometimes that’s _exactly_ how I feel…”

Myka released the tension in her arms, letting her body slip back against Helena’s, filling in all the gaps and spaces that made her feel like their bodies were designed to fit together like this. She brushed stray strands of hair away from Helena’s forehead, “I know you do…but I _promise_ you Helena, even if it does, I will be right there to catch you.”

Helena’s palms smoothed over the plain of Myka’s back, “I have missed you so much…”

“I’ve missed you too Swagger, but guess what?” Myka let a small, teasing grin tug at her lips.

“What darling?”

“We have a world of minutes and hours ahead of us that are completely ours, to do with whatever we want.”

Helena chuckled as Myka once again lowered focused lips to her pulse point, “And I assume this is where we get back to all of your aforementioned _better ideas_.”

Myka playfully nipped at the juncture between Helena’s neck and shoulder, “Absolutely.” Her lips moved across Helena’s collarbones, coming to rest and move against the hollow of Helena’s throat, before she nudged Helena’s chin with the tip of her nose, trying to bite back a giggle, “Did you seriously just use the word _aforementioned_ by the way? Because if you did, I am _clearly_ not doing a proper job at the moment.”

Helena’s laughter came full and bright, shaking Myka’s entire body. She raised her head enough to place a kiss to Myka’s nose, “And here I thought you loved me for my vocabulary.”

“Oh I do, but right now I’m much more interested in making you completely forget any and all words that aren’t monosyllabic.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “Monosyllabic? Really?”

“Hey…if you’re allowed to use big words in this situation, then so am I.”

Helena laughter continued to shake their bodies, “Insufferable woman.”

Myka resumed her slow descent down Helena’s body, pressing kisses to each of the moles that were scattered across her chest, mumbling, “Insufferable woman, whom you adore…”

Helena twisted her fingers into Myka’s curls, “That I am completely mad about…”

“Oh I like that one, keep going…” Myka smirked against the swell of Helena’s ribs.

“I will, if you will love,” Helena sighed, arching up against Myka as her skin flared to life underneath Myka’s tongue swirling around a particularly sensitive spot between her ribs and side.

“I can do that…”

“Insufferable woman that drives me absolutely crazy…”

Helena let out a soft hum as Myka responded to her words by letting her teeth nip at the ridge of her right hip, before resting her chin against the dip of Helena’s navel, “I hope that’s crazy in a good way…otherwise this game is going to start being distinctly less fun.”

Helena tugged lightly on one of Myka’s curls, “Crazy in all of the best ways love.”

“Good,” Myka dipped her head, letting her tongue loop around Helena’s belly button, before mouthing a kiss right below it, “What else do you got up there?”

“Hmmm,” Helena whispered while nudging Myka’s head towards her other hip, “how about insufferable woman that is gorgeous to the point of utter distraction?”

Myka sucked a tiny mark to Helena’s hip, while her other hand drifted down to dance along Helena’s thigh, “Oh that works…”

Helena chuckled, “I figured you’d enjoy that one.” Her back arched a bit as Myka’s fingers lingered a little bit _closer_ to the inside of her thigh. She let out a shaky breath, “Insufferable woman, who somehow shines light into all my dark corners.”

Helena felt Myka smile against her skin, as she moved back up her body, pressing a heated trail of kisses up her sternum, all the while her fingers moved, inched, teased closer and closer, tracing along the juncture between her hip and her thigh. Myka hovered above Helena, soft smile playing at her lips as she lowered them to Helena’s mouth, before pulling mere millimeters away, “Now that one,” her fingers dipped and pressed lower, “that one was my favorite thus far.”

Helena’s breath left her lungs in a mixture of a gasp and a sob as Myka finally stopped teasing and let her fingers start _moving_ , “Myka…”

Myka angled her lips to kiss along the ridge of Helena’s jaw, “Not quite to monosyllabic yet…but close. Down to one word. Do you think I should I keep going then?” Myka almost didn’t recognize the timbre of her own voice, but found that she distinctly didn’t care.

“Yes…” Helena gasped.

“There they are…I knew we’d get there eventually,” Myka whispered into Helena’s ear.

After that there were few coherent words leaving Helena’s mouth, the combined movement of Myka’s lips, tongue, and fingers reducing her to a panting, gasping mess. Despite having been in this exact same position more times than she could count over the last six months, arching and pressing underneath Myka, while Myka’s breath skated across her skin, there was something different about the way Myka was moving this time. In her near incoherent state, Helena couldn’t quite put a proper word to it, but there was something so _focused_ in the way Myka moved against her, something almost holy in the way she was touching her in all the places that she barely knew she needed to be touched. It was only as Myka’s fingers curled and Helena’s throat contracted in a strangled cry, only as Myka whispered, “You are gorgeous,” into her ear as she attempted in vain to catch her breath, that Helena realized Myka was trying to _show_ her, trying to make her _feel_ , just how much she loved her, just what _they_ meant to her. With every push and pull of her fingers, Myka was trying to show her that she wasn’t just loving her, she was trying to tie their souls together a little tighter, and Helena was more than willing to be bound, as long as it was to Myka.

Myka rested against Helena, fingers brushing the hair back from her forehead, pressing soft, lazy kisses to her lips, as Helena’s breathing sought to regain some semblance of composure. Helena gave her a languid smile, bringing a hand up to cup her cheek, “I have no idea what I would do if you ever stopped loving me…”

The soft, crooked smile that Helena loved so much overtook Myka’s features, even while something serious and _determined_ settled into her eyes. She pressed another kiss to Helena’s lips, lingering there a few seconds longer, before pulling back to look Helena in the eye, “I will keep on loving you until the moment you tell me to stop, Helena.”

Helena sighed, though it was more akin to a swoon, “I don’t see that happening in this lifetime love.”

Myka smirked and adjusted her position to press her hips against Helena’s, “Well then, I don’t think we have anything to worry about…for this lifetime at least.”

Helena smiled and leaned up pressing a firm, heated kiss to Myka’s still slightly open mouth, “I’ll take this lifetime for all it’s worth then.”

Myka’s breath hitched as Helena arched underneath her, suddenly taking more firm control of their movements. Her words caught in her throat so tightly at the feel of Helena against her that she could barely stutter out, “Good…”

Helena’s throaty chuckled danced into Myka’s ear, “Now who’s reduced to monosyllabic words darling?”

**

Waking up, Helena felt like she was finally coming up for air, like for so long her body had been surrounded by an unknown pressure that had suddenly in the night and through the efforts of Myka’s hands, lifted. She let out a small, contented sigh at the feel of Myka’s arm draped around her waist, at the soft tickle that was Myka’s breath coming out in puffs against the back of her neck, at the contented sound of Myka still being very much asleep. It had been going on for so long that Helena wasn’t even sure she knew when she had started to feel like she was drowning, but here, in this bed, with Myka, she finally felt something deep within her core resettle and restart. Slowly, she allowed herself to turn in Myka’s arms, desiring nothing more than to nestle against her and drift back to sleep, but her efforts were useless, the second she started moving she could feel Myka starting to stir. 

When she had finally adjusted, she was faced with a soft smirk on Myka’s face, despite her still closed eyes. She pressed a light kiss to the corner of her mouth, “It is entirely too early for you to be smirking darling.”

Myka puffed out a tiny sigh and pulled her closer, “I just think it’s funny that you still put in so much effort to not wake me up, despite knowing the second you start moving, I’m going to do just that.”

“Well excuse me for being courteous…” Helena teased, pinching at Myka’s stomach.

Myka flinched, but just barely, chuckling, “You Brits and your _manners_.”

“You Americans and your complete _lack thereof_ , I would say.”

Myka finally opened her eyes, smirk still playing at her lips, “Good morning to you too Swagger.”

Helena rolled her eyes and nestled against the crook of Myka’s neck, placing a kiss to the closest patch of skin she could find, “Good morning Sleepy.”

Myka kissed the top of Helena’s head, before pulling back slightly and looking down at her, “Hey…”

“Yes love?”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen this look on your face?”

Helena looked up at her, refusing to move too far away from the comfort of her hold, “And what look is that?”

“Your relaxed, totally contented look. I think I’d forgotten what it looked like actually,” the goofy smile on her face was enough to ease the worry that her sentence implied.

Helena sighed, “I think I’d forgotten what it feels like in all honesty, but I don’t know, somehow…things feel different, better, calmer maybe.”

Myka kissed her forehead, “Do you know why that is?”

Helena smirked, “If you say something cheeky about last evening’s _activities_ I may climb out of this bed Myka Bering.”

Laughter shook Myka’s lungs, “ _No_ , though now that you mention it….”

“Myka…”

Myka pulled Helena in closer, “No, it’s because we keep each other grounded, stable. We’ve allowed all this chaos to get in the way of the time we spend together, and it’s made things feel unsettled. We need each other, we need our time together, _real time_ , to keep our world centered and grounded.”

“So your prescription for dealing with chaos is larger, more significant doses of each other? Is that what you’re saying.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m not quite sure I would have put it that way, but _yes_ that is basically what I’m saying, as long as you’re alright with that.”

“Darling, I am without a doubt alright with that.”

**

They were sitting at lunch Sunday afternoon before heading back to Colorado Springs, when Myka finally broached the subjects she’d been avoiding all weekend. Helena had seemed so at peace the last few days, she was hesitant to shatter it, but she knew they needed to talk about it before they went back, “So…I think I’m going to do it.”

Helena gave her a confused look, “There’s a non-sequitur if I’ve ever heard one.”

Myka bit down on the corner of her lip. She just wanted to get this out and over with, “The producing thing, with Sally and Philip. They told me this morning that they’re ready to sign, they _want_ to sign, so it’s just kind of down to me.”

Helena laid a hand over Myka’s where it rested on the table, “Darling, why do you sound like you think you’re telling me that there’s been some sort of natural disaster, or at least like you’re apologizing to me for something?”

Myka sighed, “Because our lives are ridiculous enough without me throwing another wrench into things. I mean Jesus…do I really need three jobs?”

“Myka, do you want to do this? Truly?”

“I think so…”

Helena smirked, “Then do you know what I think?”

“No, but I somehow have a feeling you’re going to tell me.”

Helena stuck her tongue out at Myka quickly, “Snark does not become you love.” Myka just arched a playful eyebrow at her before Helena continued, “ _I think_ that you absolutely want to do this. Myka, I saw that notebook. You have more notes about their music than I can comprehend. I watched the way you listened to them. You think they could be great, and you absolutely think that you’re the one that could get them there.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I do. I mean, I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something in their writing that I want to help bring to life.”

Helena squeezed her hand, “Do you really not realize that you have been building towards this moment for awhile?”

Myka’s forehead crinkled, “What?”

Helena rolled her eyes in exasperation, “Myka, what you’ve been doing at the Regents is basically the first step in producing. Look what you did with Liam, the recommendations you made on his first single. You’ve been pushing towards this for so long, I’m just glad you’ve finally realized what most of us have known for quite awhile.”

Myka allowed herself to crack the barest of smiles, “It just feels like…I don’t know…it feels like something so much more than writing. It’s _molding_ the music into what it could be.” She paused letting a deep breath flood out of her lungs, “But…I just don’t want to keep complicating things.”

Helena held up her hands, “Stop. Stop right there. I know, _I know_ that I have not exactly been a bastion of hopefulness lately, _however_ , that doesn’t mean that I expect either of us to give up on our dreams, just for the sake of keeping things uncomplicated. Myka…if you didn’t do this, just because of us, I’d never forgive myself, and ultimately you’d end up hating yourself for it, and possibly hating me for it, and I think _that_ is infinitely more complicated than you putting in a few more hours at work each week.”

Myka reached back out for Helena’s hand, with a small smirk, “So it seems like you’re saying you’re in favor of me doing this…”

Helena groaned, “ _Insufferable woman_!”

“Careful…those words got you into trouble the other night and we’re in public at the moment so _that_ could be dangerous.”

“My Lord you are something else. _Anyway_ , yes I am whole-heartedly in favor of you doing this. I think you will be absolutely wonderful at it, so I am completely on board.”

Myka let out a tiny sigh of relief, only to feel a fresh wave of nerves follow in its wake, “Ok good, because there’s one other thing I need you to hopefully be on board with…”

Helena’s eyes narrowed, “Ok…”

“So, the other day when Tracy called…”

“To check up on the freaking out?”

“Yes…well, you kind of missed the first half of that conversation.”

“Which entailed?”

“My mother and my birthday.”

“Oh good Lord…”

Myka chuckled, “ _Exactly_. She pretty much called in Tracy to do her dirty work for her, which I guess is nothing new. She wants us to have dinner, _all of us_ to have dinner for my birthday at Tracy’s. She wants to make it a whole family _thing_.”

Helena felt the muscles in her shoulders tighten, “Which would include your father.”

“Which would include my father.”

“And me.”

“And you.”

“So, since I went along so swimmingly with the new job thing, can I get away with _not_ going along with this quite as well?”

Myka grinned, “I had a feeling you’d say that. Look, I’m not particularly happy about it either, but I don’t really see any way around it. I can’t exactly say ‘sorry, Dad you aren’t invited to my birthday.’”

“Well you could…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Ok, I _could_ , but I think that would just make everything worse, and if I’m going to get through the evening with him, then I sure as hell need you there, otherwise it could be ugly.”

“I just hate to think that he has the potential to ruin your birthday, to ruin your time with Ethan.”

Myka sighed, “I know, but hopefully the threat of the wrath of Jeannie and the wrath of Tracy will keep him in check.”

“Myka, I will go, willingly, as long as this is what you want.”

“I don’t necessarily know that it is, but what I do want is to spend my birthday with you and my mom and Tracy and Ethan, so if I have to have my dad there in order for that to happen, well, so be it I guess.”

“If he says anything…”

“We will leave. One hundred percent, we will leave. We’ll go and you can buy me copious amounts of alcohol and Twizzlers on the way home, all the while telling me ‘I told you so.’”

Helena smirked, “Well, as long as I have that in my back pocket.”

Myka lifted up their entwined hands to her lips, pressing a small kiss to Helena’s knuckles, “I love you, you know that?”

Helena pretended to consider, “I’ve thought that might be the case for awhile now.”

“If that’s the case, maybe I should be more subtle about it,” Myka winked.

“Don’t you dare.” Helena squeezed Myka’s hand tightly, “I love you too, by the way.”

Myka smirked, “Never doubted that for a second.”

Helena just rolled her eyes and resumed her attention to her lunch, mumbling what sounded distinctly like, “Insufferable.”

**

_Boulder, Colorado—early August, 2011_

Myka exhaled slowly, shakily, “Remind me why I’m doing this again.”

Helena reached across the center console of Myka’s car, squeezing her knee, “Because it’s your birthday, because you wanted to spend said birthday with your family, because your mother is nothing if not an incessant, determined meddler whom you love far too much to disappoint.”

Myka let out a wisp of a laugh, “Right, all good reasons, and I promise not to tell my mother you just said that.”

“You better not tell her, otherwise I’m leaving alone to your own devices in there darling.”

Myka shot her a quick, almost panicked look, “You wouldn’t.”

“Keep me in your mother’s good graces and you won’t have to find out what I would or wouldn’t do this evening.”

Myka removed her hand from its iron clad grip on the steering wheel to drift down to her knee and link with Helena’s, “I’m not sure anything could get you out of my mother’s good graces. I’m beginning to think she likes you more than the rest of us put together.”

“And I would like to keep it that way,” Helena winked.

Myka laughed softly, tilting her head back against the head rest, closing her eyes with a deep sigh, “Maybe it’ll be fine. Maybe my father will simply be in a good mood, and decide that he doesn’t want to be himself for the evening.”

Helena released Myka’s hand and smoothed a couple of Myka’s curls back from her face, tucking them behind her ear, “Maybe…but if that ends up not being the case. I’m right here. We all are, Myka. It’s your birthday, none of us want to see that ruined.”

“I know.” Myka groaned, “Ugh, might as well just get this over with.”

“At least you get to see Ethan.”

“That’s true.” Myka let out one last sigh, fingers closing around the door handle, until Helena gripped a hand around her forearm, stilling her movements.

“Darling, hold on one moment.” Myka turned back to Helena, who immediately leaned into her, hand cupping around the back of her neck, toying with the small, soft curls at the base of her skull, pulling her in for a kiss that sent small waves of goosebumps across Myka’s skin. Helena pulled back after a few moments, but kept Myka held close to her, “I love you, Sleepy, and I do honestly believe that tonight is going to be ok.”

Myka smiled softly, “I love you too…thank you.”

“Anytime darling. Now, probably best to not keep them waiting much longer, otherwise your mother will come out here and bang on the windows wondering what is keeping us.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You joke, but I would not put that past her.”

“Oh love, I wasn’t joking. I have no doubt she would do just that.”

For a few brief moments when they entered the house, Myka could simply pretend that her father wasn’t there. Tracy and her mother were too busy hugging her and rattling off a thousand different variations of “happy birthday,” to give her much time to pay attention to anything else. Once they had made it fully inside the house, it only served to help that Helena latched onto Tracy, both of them lamenting that it had been too long since they’d seen each other, which served as a perfect means of distraction for Myka and her mother, both completely entertained by the easy banter and bluster that immediately surrounded them. 

Jeannie leaned closer to Myka, where she was reclined against the doorway to the kitchen, “You look like a love sick puppy staring at her like that.”

Myka smiled warmly, despite rolling her eyes, “It’s hard not to stare. Not when every time I see her and Tracy together, I try to figure out how I got so lucky.”

“Lucky that you somehow managed to find the one woman in the world that your sister didn’t immediately scare off with her tiger-like protectiveness of you?”

“Something like that,” Myka smirked. “Speaking of Tracy being tiger-like, which seems odd to say, where is the tiny tiger? I’ve been in this house more than five minutes and yet he is not clinging to my knees.”

Jeannie’s eyes softened with a grimace, “He is upstairs napping. Apparently, the little one has a cold.”

“We could have rescheduled dinner if that was the case.”

Jeannie gave her an incredulous look, “I said the same thing. _However_ , your sister felt that if we rescheduled you would bail, so she opted to stick to the plan.”

Myka bit her lip, “She’s probably not wrong…”

“Myka…I know you think that I meddled.”

Myka let out a shout of laughter, “Oh mother, _come on_ , you _did_ meddle, so don’t give me that look. However,” Myka reached out an arm to curl around her mother’s waist, pulling her into a tight hug, “though I might not like your tactics, I know why you used them. I get it Mom, I might not be happy about it, but I do get it.”

Jeannie kissed Myka’s temple, hugging her close, “I hope you realize that you aren’t the only lucky one in this universe my dear girl. Everyone in this house, _especially_ Helena, is lucky to have you.”

Before Myka could respond, a sharp cry of, “Mommy,” came carrying down the stairs.

Tracy turned towards the sound, frown tugging at the corners of her mouth, “My poor little guy. Myka, though he _is_ calling for me, I have a feeling he would be much happier if you were the one who went up to see him. The only reason he took a nap for me was because I promised him that he would then be awake for your party.”

Myka gave her mom’s waist another squeeze, “I’ll go get him.”

**

Myka came back downstairs with Ethan’s arms wrapped around her neck, face nestled into her shoulder. She ran a soothing hand down the back of his curls, whispering to Tracy, “He’s still a little tired, but he immediately asked for cake, so I think he’s starting to feel better.”

Tracy rubbed a hand against his back, kissing his head, “My determined, sugar-addled boy.”

Myka nudged her nose against Ethan’s head, “Hey, little man? There’s someone else here who really wants to see you…” she smiled over his head at Helena, whose eyes were beaming at her.

Ethan’s head perked up, “Aunt Elephant’s here isn’t she?”

Helena slid up next to them, hand resting against Ethan’s back, “Hello Peanut.”

Ethan’s eyes sparkled, his voice finally coming out fully, “Aunt Elephant!” He uncurled his arms from Myka’s neck reaching out for Helena, who immediately scooped him into her arms.

Helena kissed his forehead, “Mommy told us you have a cold.”

Ethan frowned, “I’m a sick peanut.”

Helena bit back a laugh, smirking at Myka, “Yes you are, but I bet you feel good enough to help Aunt Monkey eat her birthday cake.”

“Is it time for cake?” He looked towards Tracy with glee.

Tracy rolled her eyes, “Not yet. Dinner first mister man.”

Ethan scrunched up his nose, “Can I give Aunt Monkey her present first?”

Tracy tossled Ethan’s curls, “Of course. Go get it.”

Helena set him down only to have the quick patter of his feet immediately start echoing down the hallway, but before the sound could even fade out, he was running back into the kitchen, holding his arms up to Myka, with a piece of paper in his hands. Myka picked him up, “You got me a present?”

Ethan giggled, “I _made_ you a present Aunt Monkey.”

“Oh. Well, can I see it?”

Ethan thrust the piece of paper into Myka’s face, “Here!” Myka opened up the folded piece of paper, tears springing to her eyes when she looked at it. Ethan twirled one of her curls around his finger, “It’s me and you and Aunt Elephant when you took me to the zoo!” Myka adjusted her hold around him, gesturing for Helena to look at the picture. Ethan put an arm around Helena’s neck, settling himself in between the two of them, their arms supporting him in the air, “See Aunt Elephant! I drew an elephant.”

“It’s fantastic Peanut. What do you think over there Aunt Monkey?”

Myka fought back a small sniffle, “I love it little man. Best gift ever.” She kissed his curls, while Helena lifted up a surreptitious hand to thumb away Myka’s tears.

**

All through dinner, Myka tried to focus on the ebb and flow of the conversation, tried to focus on the complete feeling of contentment that seemed to settled over the table. Helena and her mom kept up a steady stream of conversation, with Jeannie demanding as many details as possible about the album now that it was almost done, while she and Tracy tried their best to persuade Ethan to eat any small amount of food. She _tried_ to focus on that, but all she really could pay attention to was the way her dad’s gaze kept flitting between her and Helena with a strange, unreadable look on his face. She couldn’t figure out what he was thinking, but her mind kept spinning out into all the possible ways the night was going to end up in disaster. When Helena reached around her to tussle Ethan’s curls and pressed a kiss to her cheek in the process, she was certain that the night was going to explode because the look that crossed her dad’s face at that moment was something she’d never seen before and that made her unbelievably nervous.

That nervousness threatened to boil over after dinner and cake and more presents than she was particularly comfortable with. She was settled into a corner of the couch, arm draped across Helena’s shoulder, while Helena was tucked against her chest. She was contentedly watching Ethan play on the floor with Kevin, when her dad came up, rather uncertainly, to stand in front of them. He awkwardly cleared his throat, “Umm, I’m sorry, but Helena could I borrow her for a few minutes?”

Helena sat up stiffly, eyes boring into Warren’s without betraying a hint of emotion. She turned to Myka with an arched eyebrow, whispering, “Love?”

Myka kissed her forehead, “I think Ethan could use someone to play with. I’ll be right back.”

Helena gave her a small nod, before slipping down to the floor and pulling Ethan into an unexpected hug. He screamed loudly as she tickled him, and Myka used the momentary distraction to stand and gesture to her dad towards the hallway. She felt Tracy and Helena’s eyes following her, but she didn’t meet their gaze, simply walked straight ahead, trying to ignore the twisting in her stomach. She walked into the den, leaning back against the couch with her arms folded, waiting…waiting for the inevitable.

Warren cleared his throat gruffly, hand reaching back to rub at his neck in a gesture Myka recognized far too well. When it came to nerves, she and her dad handled them the same way. Another wave of Ethan’s laughter drifted into the room, easing some of the tension. Warren looked over his shoulder towards the sound, then back at Myka with a thin smile, “I didn’t think I’d see the day where that boy would love someone else as much as he loves you.”

Myka’s lips twitched in a tight smile, “He tends to have very good taste…”

“She’s good with him. I…I didn’t realize you two had been up here so much.”

Myka fought back the urge to roll her eyes, because _why would_ he know that when they’d barely spoken in two months, “We try to as much as we can…sometimes Ethan doesn’t give us much of a choice. He’s rather _demanding_ sometimes when it comes to our visits.”

Warren fidgeted from foot to foot, “Ophelia…”

Myka let out a small sigh, “Dad, whatever it is can you just say it?”

Warren grimaced, “I just…first of all…this isn’t your mother’s doing. I’m sure you’re thinking that she’s making me do this, but she’s not.”

“Ok…”

“It’s very obvious that Helena makes you happy, and you _clearly_ make her happy…” he paused, seeming as though he needed to get his bearings.

“Dad...” Myka gritted her teeth, just waiting for the shoe to drop.

Warren’s words came spilling out, “I’m sorry that I almost got in the way of that, that I _have_ gotten in the way of that. I…I’m sorry that our relationship might have infringed upon what you were building together. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you this content, this happy, and I just…well I want you to know that that’s what I want for you…to be happy. I know things have never been easy for us, and I know that that is my fault, I just hope that maybe, someday, we can work on that a little bit.”

Myka knew her jaw was hanging ajar. She also knew that she should say something, _anything_ , in response, but found that she was at an extreme loss for words. She snapped her jaw shut, grinding it in an effort to make any words come out, but they refused.

Warren nodded his head slowly, rocking back on his heels, “That’s really all I wanted to say.” He turned to walk out the door, but stopped halfway and turned back around, “Oh, and happy birthday…Myka.”

He was in the doorway when Myka found her voice, “Dad?”

He turned back around, and she was almost grateful that he didn’t look _too_ eager or too hopeful. She gave him a soft smile, “Thank you.”

He gave her one more nod before walking out, leaving her to grip her hands against the back of the couch in a state of complete and utter shock. She didn’t know how long she stood there, but it was clearly long enough to cause some concern, because eventually Helena’s head peeked around the door, “Darling?” 

Myka’s head jerked up at the sound, caught unawares by Helena’s voice, “Hey…”

Helena made her way into the room on quick footsteps, “Darling, are you alright? Your dad came back in the living room at least five minutes ago. Did he say something? Is this the part where I need to do something horrendously embarrassing like yelling in front of your family? Or do we simply need to sneak out the window and find the nearest liquor store?” Helena ran her hands up and down Myka’s arms, desperately trying to catch her eye to get some clue as to how she was feeling.

A bubble of nervous laughter escaped Myka’s lips. Helena’s brow furrowed, “Oh God, he’s finally made you lose it. The crazy has descended hasn’t it?”

Myka kept laughing while her hands reached out to grip Helena’s hips. She finally caught her breath enough to mutter, “No, no, I’m good, but it is possible the crazy is here, like really here.”

“Darling you have to fill me in, because I am wildly confused.”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, “Apparently, either the hellmouth has opened right here in the middle of my sister’s house, or my father just apologized to me and said he wants to try and repair things.” Helena’s jaw dropped immediately, drawing another bout of laughter from Myka’s lips, “That was exactly the look I had on my face five minutes ago.”

“I just…I don’t quite know what to say.”

“Believe me, I may be in shock.”

“Are you ok? I mean, I’m sure you haven’t quite processed any of this, but,” Helena gripped Myka’s shoulders lightly, “at least at a baseline level, are you alright?”

Myka let out a slow breath, “I think so. You’re definitely right, I haven’t processed this one bit, but if he’s serious, then I think, yeah, I’m ok. If anything, he apologized, not for everything of course, but for how my relationship with him impacted our relationship, so if nothing else, I will take that apology for whatever it’s worth.”

“I swear, just when I think I have you Berings figured out, one of you pulls something like this and it just throws my entire world off-kilter,” Helena teased.

“What can I say? We like to keep people on their toes.”

“Darling, your father just apologized to you, I don’t believe I’m even on my toes anymore, I think my brain is completely flat on the floor.”

Myka chuckled, “It was you, ya know? That made this happen I think.”

“Me?”

Myka nodded, “I think it was seeing you, seeing _us_ , with Ethan. He said he’d never seen me so content, and Helena, that’s all you. It seems like he’s maybe, finally, seen how happy you make me, and well…apparently it made an impact. So, I’m serious, without you, the conversation that just happened, never _would have_ happened.”

Helena wrapped her arms around Myka’s neck, letting Myka pull her closer, arms tight around her waist. Helena sighed, “Well, I might not be entirely inclined to take that much credit, however, I won’t deny I’m glad to hear that it is quite apparent how much I love you. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate anyone ever doubting that or questioning it.”

Myka leaned into her, teasing smirk tugging at her lips, “I would say it’s pretty apparent, though there’s always more that can be done…”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “Oh I’m sure there is.”

“Care to test that theory?”

Helena rolled her eyes, but pushed up on her toes, whispering, “my crazy woman,” before she let her lips fall against Myka gently. When she pulled away Myka’s eyes were still closed, so Helena leaned up and brushed another, barely there kiss to Myka’s lips, “Happy birthday love.”

**

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs, Colorado—early September 2011_

“Ok, so I know this whole process can be a little strange, so to get us started I just want you guys to head back to the stage and play a couple of songs to get comfortable. I’ll move around a bit and get some action shots, but I don’t want you guys to focus on me, just do what you usually do whenever you’re here rehearsing, and we’ll go from there.” The photographer looked over her shoulder at Kelly, “Does that sound like an ok plan to you, Kel?”

“As long as it’s good with you and good with them, I’m good with whatever Steph. This is your gig, not mine. My job was to make sure they were all here on time.” Kelly leaned against the counter, whispering to Myka, “I swear to God, I have started debating buying Pete cookies every time he’s on time, just to see if it might encourage him to, I don’t know, _be on time_.”

Myka covered her mouth to stifle her laughter, “I tried that in college once. It worked for like two weeks.”

“You are a saint. You and Amanda both are saints, because I swear to God…some days.”

“Some days he is so very _Pete_. I know.”

Kelly rolled her eyes, “Yet, somehow he seems to be the one that keeps them together. I swear Myka, this summer, I really thought this whole thing was going to be over before it started. They seemed like they were ready to fall apart, and then suddenly…it just started _working_ again, better than it had before, and for some reason, I don’t even know why, I feel like Pete had a lot to do with that.”

Myka’s eyes drifted to the stage where the four of them were tuning up, easy banter flowing between them. She smiled softly, “Sometimes Pete’s the only one who is willing to say the tough thing. It’s mostly because he has _zero_ filter, but sometimes that’s what you need. From what Helena told me, eventually, Pete said what needed to be said at the right moment.”

“Well, whatever it was, it worked. They’ve been on another level the last couple of months. They seem calmer, and you can tell in what they’ve recorded. Fargo actually had them rerecord a few things from the summer because he could tell it would sound better now.”

Myka watched as Helena adjusted her mic, her eyes lingering over the subtle movements of her fingers, and suddenly it was as though she was back at the first time Helena had walked in the store, when those exact same movements had made her heart race and her brain freeze in terror at what this woman could cause. She smiled to herself, so much had changed. 

Pete thumped out a steady four beats against his bass drum, shouting, “Alright, H.G., what’ll it be?” 

Looks passed between all four of them, the weight and the meaning of that one sentence sinking in to them. Helena looked towards Myka, shooting her a wink with a soft smile on her face. Kelly nudged Myka’s arm, “What exactly did I just miss there?”

Myka chuckled, fighting back the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes, “That was one of the first things Pete ever said to Helena on that stage. It was their first night playing together, and he caught her totally off-guard, telling her to pick a song.”

Kelly raised an eyebrow, “What’d she end up picking?”

“I have a feeling you’ll find out in a second.” 

Helena wrapped her hand around the mic stand, giving Pete a coy look, “Oh Peter, do you even need to ask?”

Pete twirled one of his sticks through his fingers, “Time to channel Ann Wilson, huh?”

“I’d say so, as long as Claudia is in the appropriate _badass_ state of mind, to be the Nancy to my Ann.”

Claudia beamed, “Oh you know that is my constant state of being, H.G. Let’s do this.”

The second the song started Kelly looked over at Myka, “I should have known it’d be this.”

Myka couldn’t take her eyes off the stage, off of Helena, entranced, once again, as always, by her voice, by her movements, by her _everything_ when she was performing, but she still had enough presence of mind to respond, “They do have a bit of a soft spot for ‘Straight On.’”

“As they should, their version is ridiculous. I remember the first time I heard them play it, I was blown away.”

Myka nodded, mind once again drifting back in time to that inevitable October day when everything changed, “The second I heard them play this, I knew…I knew someday they’d be here.”

Kelly smirked, “Having photos taken for their album jacket in your store?”

Myka chuckled, “Ok not necessarily _here_ , here, but here, as in how insanely good they are.”

“Well, you might not have anticipated this scenario completely, but let me tell you, they did. When we started talking about this, about what they wanted for the jacket layout, they knew instantly that they wanted to do the shoot here. This place…it’s everything to them.”

In that moment, Helena caught Myka’s eye, shooting her a teasing wink, leaning into the mic, singing out, _“I’ll take my chances on you…again and again…”_ Myka’s breath caught, because God, sometimes Helena had these moments where Myka just could not process how on earth someone that beautiful, someone that intoxicating existed. She attempted to catch her bearings, feeling an embarrassing rush of heat come into her cheeks, turning her attention back to Kelly, “In a lot of ways, their lives changed here…”

Kelly gave her a coy smirk, “I don’t think their lives were the only ones that changed…”

Myka smiled softly, almost shyly, eyes straying back to Helena, “That is very true.”

**

When they finished playing, the photographer gave them a few moments to regroup, for Helena and Claudia to touch up their makeup after exerting themselves on stage, “Once you guys are ready, we’ll do some shots outside the store, some shots that are a bit more formal, that way we can hopefully get a cover shot.”

Before they went outside, Pete bounded towards the counter, pushing himself up onto it, “What do ya think Mykes? Do I look rugged and handsome enough for an album cover?” He flexed his arms, attempting to put a serious look on his face.

Myka burst out laughing, “Oh yes, Pete. So very rugged.”

Claudia came over and leaned her elbows against the counter, “If Pete had it his way, he’d be the only one getting his picture taken.” She shoved his leg a bit, “Attention whore.”

“Hey, hey, hey, I cannot help that I am the most attractive one here.”

Myka felt arms slip around her waist, Helena’s voice filtering into her ear, “On that Peter, I would have to whole-heartedly disagree.” She kissed Myka’s cheek, “Hello darling.”

“Hey Swagger,” Myka rested her arms against where Helena’s where wrapped around her waist, squeezing slightly, “You guys sounded great. It seems like the photographer got some good shots.”

“It feels very odd…being photographed like this. It feels quite official,” Helena said.

“Life in the limelight H.G. Life in the limelight,” Pete teased.

Claudia bounced up and down on her toes, “Can we _please_ tell Myka now?”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “Tell me what?”

“That Claudia is apparently woefully incapable of keeping secrets. What do you think Peter, should we tell her?” Helena squeezed Myka’s arms.

“Get Steve over here, and we can.”

“Yo! Jinxsy, get your ass over here,” Claudia shouted.

Helena lifted a hand to rub at her ear, “By all means Claudia darling, try and be a little bit louder.”

“Don’t tempt her Swagger, she probably could be,” Myka teased.

Steve wandered towards the counter, eyeing Myka with a coy smile, “We’re doing this now, huh?”

Myka groaned, “Doing _what_ exactly?”

“There’s something we wanted to show you love, and we felt that today was the best day to do it. Claud, why don’t you do the honors?”

“Gladly.” Claudia reached over to Kelly’s bag where it was resting on the counter, rummaging around until she found what she was looking for, “Got it.” She handed Myka a slightly wrinkled piece of paper.

Myka glanced down at it, “Your track listing? I thought you guys finalized this a few weeks ago? Helena had shown it to me.”

Pete nudged an elbow against Myka’s arm, “Not the track listing Mykes…”

Myka’s eyes floated across the page, finally coming to land on what was written at the top. Her jaw dropped slightly, her voice awed, “You finally settled on an album title…”

“That we did love.”

Myka couldn’t take her eyes off the page, the listing of songs that she had witnessed Helena and Claudia mold over the last year, some of the songs she herself had written, all of them listed out boldly, underneath the heading “Tejon St., ”the street The Warehouse was located on. She ran her fingertips over the title, “I love it.”

Pete reached out and gripped Myka’s elbow, “It’s our small way of saying thank you to you Mykes. This place, we found ourselves here. _You_ helped us find our identity. The Warehouse is our home, and we wanted to acknowledge that.”

Myka gave them all a watery smile, “I don’t even know what to say. You guys are….”

Claudia smirked, “We’re pretty awesome, we know.”

Myka chuckled, “Took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously though, thank you…”

Pete leaned forward and kissed Myka’s forehead, “We love you Mykes. If that wasn’t apparent by now.”

“I may have possibly started to figure that out.”

**

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs—early October, 2011_

“Myka, this is way too much. You are doing _way too much_.” Helena let her legs swing back and forth where she was sitting on the counter, where she had been instructed to stay put, not allowed to lift a finger while Myka continued to run around the store like a bat out of hell.

Myka shot her an incredulous look over her shoulder, “I am doing exactly the amount I _want_ to do, so hush. Tonight is a huge night, and dammit, I want it to be perfect.”

“That’s a lot of pressure for one party love.”

“Your first album only comes out once Swagger.”

Helena shrugged, “That may be so, however, I will say it is extremely disconcerting looking around and having my face covering pretty much every surface of this store.”

“Get used to it. You never know I might just leave the store this way, turn it into the official clubhouse for the Seeking Endless Wonder fandom.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You are ridiculous.”

“That may be true, however, my status as a very proud girlfriend slash best friend trumps anything else I might be…at least for tonight.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

“I must admit though, I feel a little bit like Vanessa, and it’s very strange. I feel like I’m encroaching on her territory. Release parties are usually her thing.”

“I think, given the circumstances, she’ll let you have this one darling. Plus, do you really think we would have wanted to have this party anywhere but here?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “You never know, the four of you sometimes do insanely weird things that no one understands.”

“A valid point, but our decision to do this here is not one of those things.”

Myka glanced down at her watch, “Speaking of weird decisions, is one of those going to be you wearing your sweatpants to this little gathering tonight, or are you planning on changing at any point?”

Helena waved her hand dismissively, “Oh I figured that I’d be daring this evening and go with the exact opposite of glamour.”

“Hey, you know I love the anti-glamour look, especially on you…however…”

“Yes, _however_ , I do need to go home and get ready. How many people exactly should I be expecting to be crowded into this place when I return?”

Myka smirked, “A fair few.”

Helena nodded, incredulous look on her face, as she hopped off the counter, “A fair few. You’ve invited the entire city haven’t you?” She looped her arms around Myka’s neck, teasing smile on her face.

Myka rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms around Helena’s waist, “Oh yes, the _whole_ entire city will be here this evening, Swagger.”

“Well, at least I’m prepared.”

“Exactly.” Myka kissed her softly, “Ok go home and get _glamorous_ , I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Aye aye Captain,” she gave Myka a mock salute.

Myka chuckled, “You are so weird.”

“Very true, but you love me.”

“That I do, and hey, have I mentioned how insanely proud I am of you?”

Helena gave her a considering look, “Not in the last half hour no.”

Myka pinched her side, “Mock all you want, I’m just going to keep saying it, because I am. Don’t dismiss what a big deal this is Swagger, this is a _huge_ deal.”

“I know…I think it just hasn’t quite sunk in yet.”

“Trust me, by the end of the night, it will have sunk in sufficiently. All it takes is a couple of hours of everyone telling you how great this album is, and you’ll have the appropriately sized rock star ego.”

“Well, at least I have something to look forward to.”

**

“Up until this moment, I was fairly certain I knew everyone I needed to know in this town, however,” Kelly glanced around The Warehouse, taking in the sheer amount of people that were packed inside the small space, “now I’m pretty sure that that was an insane thought.”

Amanda accidently snorted into her wine glass, “Oh honey, you should have absolutely known by now that Myka knows far more people than anyone in this city. I think she secretly serves as the one-woman welcome wagon, the second anyone new steps foot within our boundaries she’s there, just so she’s always up to speed.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’ve lived here for 29 years, give me a break.”

“I’m sorry, but 29 years is not even close to a good enough excuse for the fact that there are music people here that I’ve never been able to even get on the phone, let alone be in the same room with,” Kelly arched her eyebrows at Myka, giving her an incredulous, yet impressed look.

Myka only returned the look with a grimace, “Is it too much? It’s way too much isn’t it?”

Amanda looped an arm around Myka’s shoulders, “Easy there killer, or you’ll throw yourself into a panic. Tonight? _This_? It’s perfect, Myka, absolutely perfect. I mean come on, look at them, you couldn’t get any of them to stop smiling, even if you paid them to.” 

Myka followed Amanda’s gaze towards where Helena, Claudia, Pete, and Steve were in the midst of a very loud, very seemingly entertaining conversation with several of the Artifact producers. Myka sighed with a smile, as Helena flashed her a quick, devastating smile, before turning her attention back to the conversation, “They do seem happy.”

“Oh yeah, like you paid one bit of attention to the other three with the look she just gave you,” Amanda teased.

“Hush. Though, I’m sorry, but she’s kind of hard to not stare at when she looks like that, you have to at least give me that.”

Amanda chuckled, “No arguments here. Per usual, H.G. is the most gorgeous thing in this room, and pretty much everyone is jealous that she’s only looking at you.”

“That’s only going to get worse when people listen to this album and hear some of the words she wrote for you by the way. I swear to God, you two are like the poster children for relationship goals.” Kelly smirked.

“What can I say? I happen to be a beacon of inspiration,” Myka laughed.

“I’m sure it’s something like that,” Amanda winked.

“Well whatever you are, it worked. This album is insane. I kind of can’t believe that it’s something I’m even associated with, that _they_ are something I’m associated with. Half the managers in town would kill to steal them and yet somehow here I am with them,” Kelly’s tone was almost awed.

Myka gave her a mocking look, “As though you aren’t one of the best managers in town, Miss Modesty.”

Kelly waved a dismissive hand, “I got lucky. Insanely lucky that I found them first.”

“I think they feel the same way, Kel, trust me, I live with Pete, and he doesn’t exactly keep his opinions quiet. They love you,” Amanda reached up and gave Kelly’s shoulder a light squeeze.

“Well, that’s good because I love them too. I just…it’s so rare to find a group that you think can really _do something_ , and I’m telling ya, these four, they are going to go so far.”

Mya nodded, “I can’t exactly argue with you. I mean I get that I’m completely biased, but still I’ve listened to this album, and it is hands down one of the best debuts I’ve ever heard. There isn’t a weak track on it. It just _flows_ , it has the perfect rhythm to it.”

Kelly held up her hands, “Now that was all Fargo. He’s a mastermind with track listings, it’s scary.”

“Whatever it was, it worked. I’ve been listening non-stop for days, and well I’m pretty sure everyone who buys it is going to do the same thing…”

“Look out world. Here comes Seeking Endless Wonder,” Kelly grinned.

“Indeed,” Myka grinned. “Speaking of which, it’s probably about time I actually get them up and in front of _this_ world. What do you think, time for a little performance?”

“Sounds good. Go put ‘em to work. Lord knows they’ll appreciate it being someone other than me demanding that they play.”

Myka made her way up to the stage, stopping briefly to place a hand against the small of Helena’s back and whisper, “You guys are up, gorgeous.” Once on the stage, she tapped against the mic, drawing the attention of everyone in the store. She gave them all a small, crooked smile, “So, I don’t want to be the one to break up everyone’s fun this evening, _but_ I figured it was about time we actually _heard_ from the people we’re here to celebrate tonight. Almost a year ago, I stood in this store and watched the four of them perform together for the first time. I knew right then, at that moment, that someday they’d be right here, and since I must say I’m pretty partial to all of them,” the crowd gave a small wave of laughter, because, obviously they all knew there was _much more_ to that statement than Myka said, “I cannot explain how proud I am of them, of this album that they’ve put together, and well, I could go on and on about them, but I won’t, so I’ll just stop and ask you all to join me in welcoming Seeking Endless Wonder to the stage!”

The applause and whistles that accompanied their movement to the stage was deafening. Helena paused Myka’s progress back through the crowd with a light hand around her wrist. She leaned in and kissed her cheek softly, “Thank you my love.”

Myka smirked, “Go get ‘em Swagger.”

Helena adjusted the microphone back down to her height after Myka had moved it up. She turned to make sure that the other three were ready. Pete gave her a thumbs up and a wink, while Claudia and Steve both just nodded. Helena waited for the noise to die down before speaking, “Thank you all, for that reception and for being here tonight. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this entire night has been quite surreal, so we really cannot say thank you enough, to all of you, and, well, most of all to the _lovely_ woman who was just up here.” Helena’s eyes strayed to Myka’s where she stood in the back leaning against the counter, a blush creeping up her cheeks. Helena smiled warmly, “I could stand up here all night and still not be out of words for how much we owe to you, Myka. You gave us a home, here in this place, on this stage. You put up with our late nights and our bickering. You believed in us when we didn’t even believe in ourselves. Each of us knows that we would not be here if it wasn’t for you, so once again, _thank you_.”

The crowd struck up another raucous round of applause, eyes turning to Myka, who was desperately trying to hold back tears. All she could do was give Helena a small smile, she was at a loss to do anything else, especially when Pete’s voice echoed through the store, “We love you Mykes. Alright, H.G., let’s do this.”

Myka watched as Helena’s entire demeanor shifted. Where ten seconds prior she was all soft lines and emotion and quiet words, now she was all curves and heat and sex appeal. Now, she was all swagger and despite the fact that she’d seen this transformation countless times, Myka’s knees still went weak underneath her. 

Helena’s fingers wrapped around the microphone, leaning into it, “This is our new single. It’s called ‘Proof.’”

A striking beat of Pete’s bass drum and snare rung out through the store, immediately followed by Claudia coming in with a steady pulse of chords. The impact was instantaneous, the crowd starting to move with the sound within seconds, though it was Helena’s voice that truly enraptured them, as it came out a little husky, a little desirous.

_“It’s really hard…I can’t cry in your arms ‘cuz you’re not here. It’s not your fault and if it was I wouldn’t care. My heart is bigger than the distance in between us. I know it ‘cuz I feel it beating.”_

Pete’s drums kept up a steady, pulsing beat, driving the repetition of Claudia’s chords forward. The rhythm building up behind Helena’s voice.

_“Over here I can’t count the miles away from where I wanna be. I bet your skin is warm and that you’re smiling. Yeah that’s what I always loved the most about you. You’re so strong, come and knock me down.”_

Helena tore the microphone out of the stand, stalking her way towards Claudia, while shooting teasing glances towards the crowd as the music chased its way towards the chorus. Claudia was practically _bouncing_ with the beat as Helena made her way towards her, the two of them maintaining eye contact while Claudia sang a continuous string of “oohs” in the background of Helena’s chorus.

_“Baby, if I’m half the man that I say I am…If I’m a woman with no fear just like I claim I am, then I believe in what you say, there’s nothing left to do, the only proof that I need is you.”_

On the last line, Helena’s eyes tracked across the crowd, blazing into Myka’s, before flashing her a quick wink and turning back towards Pete, where she began to sing the second verse to him, daring him to get distracted from his rhythm by her presence.

Myka wanted to keep listening, but suddenly her mind was swirling around that word, _proof_ , around the look that Helena had given her. She had listened to this song countless numbers of times, but it wasn’t until this precise moment that the realization sunk in. She pressed a hand to her forehead, muttering, “Holy shit…”

Amanda somehow heard her over the crowd and the music, turning back to her with concern. She placed a hand on Myka’s forearm, “What?”

Myka stared at the stage, letting the words fall out of her, “This is about me…”

Amanda rolled her eyes and turned her attention back towards the stage, “Umm, I’m pretty sure everyone in this room realizes this song is about you. Not sure that’s particularly shocking…”

Myka groaned, gripping Amanda’s elbow, “No, Amanda…this…this is _the_ song.”

Amanda’s forehead furrowed, “I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”

Myka lapsed into silence, trying to regain some semblance of processing, as Helena tracked the front of the stage, the crowd practically leaning into her presence as she encouraged them to sing the bridge with her.

_“So do you love me? All you gotta do is say yes. Now do you love me? And I won’t ever second guess.”_

Helena’s hips moved and swayed in time with the beat, and for a moment Myka forgot everything she was thinking about, too entranced by the power of Helena’s movements coupled with her voice to do anything but stare in rapt fascination.

_“Now do you love me? All you gotta do is say yes. Now do you love me? Then you’ve already proved it…”_

Claudia’s voice came in behind hers, echoing, while all the music faded into silence, the crowd singing along with her.

_“Yeah…yeah..hey.”_

Pete came crashing back down on his snare, picking the beat back up and speeding them on into the another chorus. 

_“Baby, if I’m half the man that I say I am…If I’m a woman with no fear just like I claim I am, then I believe in what you say, there’s nothing left to do, the only proof that I need is you.”_

Helena had put the microphone back in its stand for the final chorus, her fingers curling around the stand tightly, her eyes finding and falling on Myka and not leaving her as she whispered out the last few words.

_“The only proof that I need is you…”_

Applause and cheers bounced off the walls of The Warehouse, but the band didn’t let it gain any momentum, speeding immediately into “Ain’t it Fun.”

Amanda watched for a few seconds and then turned back to Myka, “Ok, you need to explain the whole _‘the’_ song thing to me.”

Myka ran a hand through her curls, “A couple of days after Helena and I had our whole near breakup thing, I happened to catch her giving Claudia some lyrics that she indicated were about me. Up until now I hadn’t been able to figure out which song it was. None of them seemed to fit, but I don’t know…it just kind of hit me, that was it.”

“How do you know now?”

“It’s the ‘proof’ thing. The night we fought, and I told her I needed to work on some things, she told me I didn’t need to prove anything to her.”

Amanda’s lips formed into an ‘oh,’ before she smirked, “Well apparently you’ve just proven Kelly right on her relationship goals comment, because, well that song was a whole hell of a lot of longing and desire, so well done you.”

Myka rolled her eyes, but they softened quickly, “I just can’t believe she wrote that when we were practically broken up.”

“Myka, that woman has loved you from day one, at this point nothing should come as a surprise.”

“Yeah…well…she has an uncanny way of still shocking me, apparently.”

Amanda leaned over and kissed her cheek, “You’re adorable when you’re in love, ya know that?”

Myka shoved lightly against her shoulder, “Don’t tempt me to start on you about the googly eyes you were throwing Pete the second he got behind those drums.”

Amanda flicked her off, before her lips twisted into a soft smile. She waved her hands at her, “Oh shut up!” and turned back to the stage with Myka’s laughter still ringing in her ears.

** 

Helena let out a long groan as she sank onto the couch and kicked off her heels, letting them slide underneath the coffee table, “Oh my God, I cannot feel my feet. My toes may simply have disappeared.”

Myka chuckled as she ran a hand down Helena’s hair, as she handed her a steaming cup of tea, “I’m fairly certain you wouldn’t have been able to walk up the stairs if your toes had disappeared sweets.”

Helena waved a hand in dismissal, while the other gripped tightly around the mug of tea, “All semantics and details darling, I am _positive_ I cannot feel my toes, therefore they must not exist.”

“You _must_ be tired if you’re wildly flouting the science behind how improbable that statement is,” Myka said as she sat down on the couch next to Helena, settling into a corner, and pulling on Helena’s shoulders encouraging her to fall and rest with her back against her chest. She ran a soothing hand through Helena’s hair, reveling in the tiny hum of contentment that left Helena’s lips. She whispered into her hair, “You were amazing tonight…”

“I could say the same thing to you love. This whole night, everything you put together, it was perfect. It was so much more than any of us could have imagined it being.”

Myka smiled deeply, squeezing her arm around Helena’s waist, “I’m glad. It was fun…doing this for you guys. Anything to show you all how proud I am, how _happy_ I am for you guys.”

They sat in silence for a few peaceful minutes, both sipping at their tea, letting the weight of the night ebb out of their muscles. Helena settled deeper into Myka’s arms, and Myka could hear her breath starting to shift and change, pulling her towards sleep. Myka kissed her temple, “Hey…before you completely pass out on me, can I ask you something?”

“Anything darling.”

Myka carded her fingers through Helena’s hair, “ ‘Proof…’” Helena let out a soft hum of acknowledgement, and Myka almost wondered if she knew what question was coming. Myka continued, “That was it wasn’t it? The song you wrote after….well after everything.”

Myka felt Helena’s body shake with laughter before she turned her head and kissed Myka softly, “I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to figure that out.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m a little embarrassed that it took me so long.”

“What did it?”

“That _look_ you gave me after the first chorus. The way you said ‘proof,’ it reminded me that you told me that night that I didn’t need to prove anything to you.”

“Ah the line that launched a thousand lyrics…”

Myka took a deep breath, “I think I never really thought it was that song because of the bridge…”

Helena turned back around, leaning back fully against Myka’s shoulder, “What is wrong with my bridge Sleepy?”

Myka nipped at the top of Helena’s ear playfully, “Nothing is _wrong_ with your bridge Swagger. No…it’s just…I hadn’t even told you I loved you at that point. I mean, we had almost broken up, and yet somehow…”

“Somehow I wrote a line about the only proof I ever needed was knowing you loved me?”

“Exactly,” Myka sighed.

“Myka…I _know_ you. I knew you then. Despite the fact that we both spent an awful lot of time dancing around our feelings for each other, I could see it in the way you would look at me, I could _feel_ it every time we touched, we might not have said it out loud at that point, but we had made it pretty evident in a thousand other ways. Sleepy, the second I walked into your apartment that night and saw you in my sweatshirt, I knew you loved me.”

“It always comes back to that damn sweatshirt,” Myka teased before kissing the back of Helena’s head. 

“You say that, and yet you still haven’t given it back to me, so what else am I supposed to think?”

“You said I could keep it!”

“Ah, but I also said you’d owe me at some point, don’t forget that.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Trust me I haven’t. I’m just waiting for that shoe to drop.”

“Well, you shall have to keep waiting love. I’m not ready to cash that in just yet…”

“I’m sure you’ll let me know when you are.”

“Oh I shall darling.” Helena sighed softly, “So, now that you know…should I ask what you think of ‘Proof?’ Especially since it is the next single?”

Myka kissed her ear, whispering, “I love it, _almost_ as much as I love you.”

“That’s _impressive_ ,” Helena sighed out.

“In all seriousness though,” Myka leaned back slightly, “it’s extremely strong overall. I love the line Pete wrote for it. It’s so driving, it just keeps it moving.”

“Trust me, he was _quite_ proud of it when he played it for us.”

“I’m sure he was…” 

Helena fought to stifle a yawn, but couldn’t quite manage it. Myka tapped her hands against Helena’s thighs, “Alright Swagger…I think it’s bedtime for you and your invisible toes.”

Helena sat up and stretched, fighting another yawn, “I do believe you’re right darling.” She stood and pulled Myka up with her, holding her tightly, “I meant everything I said on stage tonight Myka.” She released her hold to look Myka in the eye, “You have done so much for us, and I just wish there was a way we could thank you enough for it. I wish I could tell you how much it’s meant to me, to all of us.”

Myka bit back a smirk, “Swagger, on that front I think your own words kind of say everything I’d ever need to.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “How so love?”

Myka gave Helena a crooked smile, before kissing her softly and starting to sing quietly, _“Then I believe in what you say…there’s nothing left for you to do…”_

Helena smiled deeply, finishing the line with Myka, _“The only proof that I need is you…”_

**

The Monday after the album release, Myka stood fidgeting at the counter of The Warehouse, eyes continually straying to the clock, which seemed to be insisting on going slower than usual. Her fingers drummed against the magazine that rested underneath her hand. She looked down to check for what felt like the hundredth time that she had it turned to the right page. Assured that it was, her eyes continued their adamant stare at the door, waiting, waiting, waiting.

Eventually, _finally_ , Claudia and Helena emerged on the sidewalk outside. Myka took a deep breath, positioned the magazine so they could see it, and then turned her attention to the computer, as though it was just a normal day. When the bell over the door rang, she looked up idly, “I was beginning to think you two had gotten lost.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “Yes, absolutely. I cut back my hours, and immediately forgot how to get here. That’s _exactly_ what happened.”

Helena smirked, leaning over the counter to kiss Myka lightly, “Our conference call ran a little long this morning darling. Publicists may just be a product of the devil.”

Myka chuckled, “That’s a true statement. I just hope you didn’t say that to any of the ones you talked to.”

Helena feigned offense, “As if my British sensibilities would allow such _abhorrent_ behavior.”

“Ya never know. Maybe your rock star status has started to trump all those British impulses…”

Helena slapped lightly at her hand, “I just got here. It is far too early for you to be _this_ insufferable.”

“Ah, but it is really _never_ too early for that,” Myka winked and leaned back over the counter for another kiss.

Claudia’s voice carried over to them from where she was rearranging a guitar display, “I swear to God, I cut back my hours and suddenly this place has gone to the dogs. What the hell did you do to my axes Cap’n?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I did _nothing_ to your beloved guitars Claud. They are in the exact same spot you left them.”

“ _So not true_. Just because I’m not working as much _does not_ mean you can mess with my system.”

“As if I possess the capabilities of messing with your system.”

Helena arched an eyebrow at Myka and whispered, “I think she’s still in denial that her life here is changing a little bit…”

Myka sighed, “She’s not the only one. It is _so weird_ not having her here as much. I mean I get it, and Leena is doing a fantastic job, but…well, it’s a change that’s going to take some getting used to.”

“Until then, you may just have to deal with her coming in and rearranging everything as she sees fit.”

Myka groaned, “Well that will just be _lovely_.”

Claudia wandered back towards the counter, bumping her shoulder against Helena’s, “What do you think H.G.? Time to get to work?”

Helena nodded, “It is probably that time.”

Subtly, Myka slid the magazine closer to Helena’s elbow, “Before you two sink into full on writing mode…has anyone shown you this yet today?”

They both turned curious looks towards her, eyes straying from Myka to the magazine. When they saw what page she had turned to, they both turned shocked eyes to her. Claudia nearly screamed, “How the hell do you have this already?”

Myka smirked, “I have my connections. I get advanced copies…I figured you might want to see that.”

Helena’s jaw was hanging open, “This has to be some sort of joke…”

Myka shook her head, an exuberant smile taking over her face, “Definitely not a joke Swagger. That is absolutely, one hundred percent, this week’s charts, and that is absolutely, one hundred percent, your album sitting at number one.”

Claudia and Helena both let out a strangled combination of gasps, screams, and a wide variety of exclamations that Myka didn’t quite catch. Claudia immediately pulled out her phone, fingers fumbling to find the right buttons, “Damn phone!! I have to call Steve! H.G., you get Pete.”

Helena gave her a sidelong glance, practically running behind the counter, “That phone call will have to wait a few seconds….” She launched herself into Myka’s waiting arms, feeling Myka lift her off of her feet, twirling her around a couple of times. Helena’s hands drifted into Myka’s curls when her feet returned to the ground, pulling her into a long, breathless kiss.

When Myka finally pulled away, she gave Helena a crooked smile, “Well Swagger, I do believe you are now officially a huge rock star…”

Helena smirked, “You better watch out, I might start giving all those gold records of yours upstairs a run for their money.”

Myka smiled and kissed her again, “Oh I am absolutely counting on that.”

Claudia’s voice interrupted them, her fingers snapping by Helena’s ear, “H.G.! Take off the love goggles and _call Pete!_ We have some serious celebrating to do tonight.”

Helena rolled her eyes towards Myka, while she pulled out her phone, “I swear she gets a number one record and suddenly she’s _demanding_.”

Myka chuckled, “I’m pretty sure that’s been the case since you’ve known her, number one records not withstanding…”

“That may be so, however, I wanted to say it out loud a few more times,” Helena winked.

“Say it a thousand times Swagger. Hell, go shout it from the fire escape. _A number one record._ That deserves all the demands, all the celebrations, all the _everything_. So, Claud is right, call Pete and let’s get the celebrating started.”

**

Kelly’s fingers tapped against the calendar that was open on her desk, a pen clinched between her teeth. She flipped the pages back and forth a couple of times, before removing the pen, and starting to twirl it between her fingers, “Pete, when is your wedding?”

“April 21.”

“And Claudia when are you going to Switzerland?”

“May 2 through the 12.”

Kelly tapped the pen against the pages, flipping them back and forth again, eyebrows knit in concentration. She sighed, “Ok. We can make that work. Here’s what I’m thinking. We spend March and April getting the layout for what you guys want in terms of staging, lighting, sets, video packages, that sort of thing, completely set up. When Claudia gets back from Switzerland, you’ll go into a couple of weeks of pretty intensive rehearsals, with the aim of tour kick off June 1. I’m still working on the full scope of venues and dates, but I think we’re going to try and have you guys open up on the east coast, either Boston or Hartford. Then you’ll work your way down the coast, hit the south, then up to the Midwest. I’m going to try and get you about a week, week and a half break after that, then get you back on this side of the country for the back leg of the tour which will be west coast, southwest, maybe a few shows in Vancouver, and ultimately have you close the tour here.”

Helena chuckled, “I thought you had told us you were just in preliminary planning?”

Kelly gave her a mocking glare, “I am, trust me.”

Pete tilted back in his chair, until Helena pushed against his knee, bringing the chair crashing back down, “ _Spoil sport_ ,” he whispered. Helena just gave him an exaggerated smirk, while he turned back to Kelly, “So what kind of venues are you looking at?”

“We’re going to go mid-range. Bigger than clubs, smaller than stadiums. I’ve been in contact with a lot of amphitheaters. Places like Merriweather Post in Maryland, Red Rocks, _obviously_. They’re big enough to give us something to aim for, but not so big that we’re overreaching.”

“How many dates?” Steve asked.

“I think we’re looking at about forty, give or take a few.”

“Forty? That seems like a lot for an opening tour,” Claudia’s tone was a mixture of surprise and excitement, with just a hint of worry.

Kelly smiled softly, “Usually, it would be. However, I cannot explain to you how much my phone has been ringing the last few weeks with venues trying to get you guys on their schedules for the summer. With the success of the album, there’s a lot of demand, and we’re going to do our best to respond to that demand.”

“Everyone wants a piece of _this_ ,” Pete gestured up and down his body.

“Oh God…” Helena and Claudia groaned in unison.

“Remember we are going to be stuck with _that_ all summer,” Steve teased.

“Again I say, _oh God_ ,” Claudia sighed.

Kelly chuckled, “Man three months on a tour bus with you four is going to be _fun_.”

“Hey, hey, hey, we are _delightful_ , and you know you’re looking forward to it Kel,” Pete winked, shooting a finger gun towards her.

Kelly grinned, “I cannot believe I’m going to say this, but I really, really am.”

**

Myka smiled as she looked over where Helena was completely passed out on the couch. They’d had four shows that week, on top of interviews and a couple of photo shoots, therefore if there was anyone who deserved to be asleep by nine o’ clock on a Sunday night it was Helena. Myka watched as her hand curled tighter around the blanket that was tucked under her chin, smiling at how peaceful she looked. Myka would never have said it out loud, but she’d been waiting for the panic, the worry to set in for at least _one_ of them, over the last few weeks, as the band made plans for the tour, as she made plans for beginning work on Sally and Philip’s album, yet it hadn’t come. Things had been calm, peaceful. They had talked through the tour schedule, worked out potential days for Myka to come visit, and when Helena could come home on breaks. They had a plan, one that Myka felt fairly confident in, and thankfully there hadn’t been any signs of Helena’s nerves and hesitation that had been so prevalent in the summer, reemerging. Things just felt like they were moving in the right direction.

Myka took a deep breath and returned her attention to the papers sitting in her lap. Her eyes trailed over the columns of her bank account, over the paperwork Jack and Rebecca had faxed over regarding her production contract, over the documents she had picked up from her lawyer, who despite being surprised by the phone call, was happy to guide her in the right direction. She knew there were still a lot of details to work out, there were still a lot of things that she and Helena needed to talk about, but for now, she at least felt like she had the right stepping stones in place. For the first time, in an incredibly long time, the future that she and Helena always talked about in hazy generalities was starting to take shape into something clear.

**

“Darling, I’m not sure that it counts as celebrating an anniversary when we are two weeks beyond said anniversary.”

Myka rolled her eyes at Helena in the mirror. They were both huddled around the sink in Myka’s bathroom, attempting to get ready at the same time, but all they were truly accomplishing was bumping into each other more than necessary. Eventually, Myka took a step back and just finished putting on her makeup while looking over Helena’s shoulder, “Insignificant details Swagger. Just because life has been ridiculous lately doesn’t mean we just ignore the stuff that deserves to be acknowledged.”

“You are a hopeless sap, Myka Bering,” Helena winked in the mirror.

Myka leaned over and kissed Helena’s cheek, “Guilty as charged.”

Helena wiped at a line of mascara under her eye and then turned to lean against the counter, giving Myka a serene smile, “It does seem rather hard to believe that a year ago I walked into the store for the first time.”

Myka looped her arms around Helena’s waist, “A year _and two weeks_.”

“I thought those were _insignificant details_ , love?”

Myka shrugged, “They are, but I know how much you appreciate details, so I figured…”

“You are an insufferable, adorable, gorgeous woman, do you know that?”

Myka screwed up her mouth in a considering smirk, “I might, possibly, be aware of that fact, yes.”

Helena kissed her lightly, “I love you _and_ your insignificant details.”

“I love you too and I love the fact that I’m not the only one who remembered the day you walked into this place for the first time.”

“Hard to forget the day your life changed darling.”

Myka smirked and kissed her again, “Now who’s the sap?”

**

Myka was sitting at her piano when Helena emerged from the bedroom in a blue dress that nearly took her breath away. Helena caught the look on Myka’s face and fought back a smirk, “Are you alright love? You look a little…well, flustered.”

Myka blushed, “You look incredible.”

Helena smiled warmly as she leaned down to kiss her, “As do you darling.”

Myka sighed against Helena’s lips, “Thanks.” 

“So, are we finally ready to go? Two weeks and forty-five minutes late for this anniversary of ours?”

Myka bit her lip, looking sideways at Helena, “Actually…can I play you something first? It’s…it’s something for work, and I would love to get your opinion, otherwise it’s going to bug me all night.”

Helena shook her head, “That beautiful brain of yours never shuts off does it?”

“Never.”

Helena settled next to Myka on the piano bench, “Righty-ho then, let me hear it.”

Myka kissed her cheek, smile tugging at her lips, “Thank you.”

Myka’s fingers came to rest lightly on the keys, letting them float softly through the opening melody. She let the high notes carry the weight of the volume, while the lower register set the pace. She took a slow, deep breath, giving Helena a small smile and a sidelong glance before she started to sing.

_“If you were the ocean…and I was the sun…if the day made me heavy and gravity won…  
If I was the red…and you were the blue…I could just fade into you…”_

Her fingers danced over a run of sixteenth notes on the high keys, mimicking what she someday envisioned as a mandolin line. When she resumed singing, she adjusted her voice a bit higher, trying to hint at the possible duet qualities she had written in.

_“If you were a window…and I was the rain…I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain…  
I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through…then I’d just fade into you…”_

She pushed the tempo a bit, rushing headlong into the chorus.

_“In your heart, in your head, in your arms, in your bed, under your skin…  
Til there’s no way to know where you end…and where I begin…”_

Helena’s mind was fighting between the urge to watch Myka’s fingers slide across the keys, distracted by how elegantly they moved, distracted by how they made her think of decidedly _other_ things, and watching Myka sing, eyes closed, head swaying and moving to the rhythm, her breath pushing and pulsing with the music. It was intoxicating and Helena never wanted it to end. Thankfully, Myka just kept on singing.

_“If I was a shadow…and you were a street…a cobblestone midnight is where we first meet…  
Til the lights flickered out…we dance with the moon…then I’d just fade into you…”_

Myka sang through another iteration of the chorus, working up the nerve to open her eyes, and actually sing _to_ Helena. As the chorus immediately gave way to the bridge and the volume and tone of her voice rose and shifted, she finally willed herself to look at her, to take her in, backlit by the light filtering through the window, a soft, awed smile on her face.

_“I wanna melt in…I wanna soak through…I only wanna move when you move…  
I wanna breathe out…when you breathe in…then I wanna fade into you…”_

Helena gave her a watery, _wanting_ look, but Myka forced herself to look away, anything to just get through this song and _explain_. She let her voice fade and slow.

_“If I was just ashes…and you were the ground…under your willow they laid me down…  
There’ll be no trace…that one was once two…after I fade into you…”_

She played a few more lines of what she had written for a violin line, hoping the piano conveyed the right amount of movement and mood before whispering out the final line.

_“Then I just fade into you…”_

She let out a slow breath when she finished, keeping her eyes closed for the briefest of moments, until she felt Helena’s lips fall against her cheek, “That wasn’t just for work was it darling?”

Myka let out a small puff of laughter, turning to rest her forehead against Helena’s, “No, it wasn’t.”

Helena sighed, “That was…breathtaking Myka. Haunting and passionate and...God…intense.”

“That pretty much describes the situation I was in when I wrote it, so mission accomplished I guess, “ Myka laughed.

“When?” Helena’s voice was curious, but insistent, feeling like there was something vital, something important lingering in the answer to the question.

Myka smiled softly, “Do you remember that night…” she cleared her throat, suddenly nervous, “our _first_ night, when you woke up and found me out on the couch writing?”

Helena’s face and voice betrayed her shock, “These were the lyrics keeping you up that night?”

Myka chuckled, “They were…I didn’t write the whole thing that night, but most of it.”

Helena gaped, “I…Myka…this was…I mean, that night…”

Myka reached out and entwined her fingers with Helena’s, “I know it seems a little strange, given everything that happened after that night, but Helena, I _knew_. I knew that night how insanely, crazy in love with you I was, and so I had to write it down, but these lyrics didn’t keep me from being scared, scared of everything we were turning into. That’s why I saved them. That’s why I waited, why I didn’t finish this song until now, because I’m not scared anymore. I haven’t been for a really long time, and I keep waiting for it to happen again, what with the tour and the crazy and the job changing and all of this. I kept waiting, but all I kept ending up with was falling more in love with you each time I see you. I saved this song for now, because, well, life is about to get really, really crazy and before it does, or _while_ it does I guess, I wanted you to know how much I absolutely and completely love you. I want you to know how much you being in my life keeps me centered and grounded and sane. While everything around us swirls and spins and goes crazy, we are the one thing that keeps me on solid ground…and well…I’d really like that solid ground to be a permanent thing. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this future we keep talking about and it’s starting to get clearer for me, and the one thing I am absolutely certain of, is _you_ are my home, you are my starting and ending point, and I want my life, _our_ life to reflect that. Jesus…” she shook her head with a self-deprecating smile, “this is a really long-winded, _sappy_ way of saying that I’m tired of duffle bags full of stuff and multiple toothbrushes and figuring out where would be best to stay. I want us to have a _home_ , Helena, somewhere that we both know is where the chaos just _stops_. A place where it’s just us.”

Helena tried to get her bearings, tried to get her words to form properly, but all she could feel were the tears building in her eyes and her breathing starting to shorten, “Are…are you asking me what I think you’re asking?”

“If you’re thinking that I’m asking you if you want to move in together…then yes, I am.”

Helena surged forward, lips finding Myka’s immediately. She didn’t know what else to do except kiss her senseless. The seconds and minutes faded away until Myka pulled back, gasping for air, “I really hope that was a yes, because if that was a no…”

Helena kissed her again, laughing, “Of course it’s a yes you insufferable woman.”

Myka smirked, “Well, I had to check.”

“You are impossible.”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“And I love you.”

“I love you too Swagger…always.”

Helena wrapped an arm around Myka’s waist, pulling her closer, lips moving a little bit slower against Myka’s. Eventually, Myka leaned back, whispering, “We’re going to miss dinner.”

Helena smirked and kissed the back of Myka’s jaw, “Honestly darling? I can’t say I particularly care…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were interested (and because I have put way too much thought into this) here's the track listing for the album, along with writers.  
> Everything is Paramore unless specified.
> 
> Tejon St.  
> 1\. Hum Hallelujah--Donovan/Wells (Fall Out Boy)  
> 2\. Brick by Boring Brick--Bering/Wells (Don't worry, we'll get to the story behind this!)  
> 3\. Grow Up--Donovan  
> 4\. Daydreaming--Donovan/Wells  
> 5\. Ain't It Fun--Donovan/Wells  
> 6\. Part II--Donovan/Wells  
> 7\. Last Hope--Wells  
> 8\. Proof--Wells  
> 9\. Hate to See Your Heart Break (ft. Myka Bering)--Wells  
> 10\. Decode--Bering


	18. Will You Be There in the Morning?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up somewhat immediately after Myka asks Helena to move in. From there, Helena and Myka make some very big, future building decisions. There are moving boxes, for sale signs, new and old jobs, Christmas trees, and a unexpected visit...all making for one hectic, chaotic winter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this chapter should have been up last week, but I needed to find the right place to split it, so I spent a bit more time working on the next chapter before getting this one up. Ultimately, this chapter has a lot of fluffy, domestic bliss--which, let's face it, you need sometimes, while the next chapter, which should be up in a few days, lays out the path towards the tour with all of its chaotic consequences.
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading, and for putting up with the delays...it's appreciated. Happy reading :-)
> 
> Song for this chapter is Heart.

18\. Will You Be There in the Morning?

Helena took a small sip of water, before handing the glass to Myka and sliding back into bed, a tiny, satisfied smirk tugging at her lips at the way Myka watched her every move as she curled under the covers. Her skin tingled with warmth under the gaze, even while goosebumps chased across her arms, “I think I could use for you to not look at me like that darling.”

Myka’s eyebrows lifted coyly, “I happen to think that the way I’m looking at you is quite appropriate given our present circumstances.”

“Our present circumstances being that I would like to get _some semblance_ of sleep tonight…and if you keep looking at me like that…well, let’s just say that won’t be happening.”

Myka let out a soft puff of laughter, setting the glass of water on the nightstand, and curling back towards Helena, “You know that isn’t exactly great motivation to get me to stop looking at you like this.”

Helena let out a sarcastic, exasperated sigh, “And to think I’m going to _live_ with you. Little did I know I was signing on for a lifetime of zero sleep.”

Myka shrugged the shoulder she wasn’t laying against, looping an arm around Helena’s waist and pulling her in closer, “We’ll work out a schedule. I’m sure I can be convinced to let you sleep on occasion.”

Helena rolled her eyes, all the while sinking into Myka’s hold, letting their foreheads come to rest against each other, “My Myka, the beacon of consideration.”

“That’s me,” Myka whispered against Helena’s lips, before leaning in for a light kiss.

Helena let out a contented sigh, fingertips dancing down Myka’s bicep, “So how exactly do we do this?”

Myka bit her lip with a teasing smirk, biting back a laugh, “Oh Swagger, if you really need instructions…”

Helena slapped at Myka’s arm, “Not that! Ugh…no, you _insufferable_ woman. Moving in together…”

“Well, generally it would involve some packing, some boxes, possibly a moving van.”

Helena let out an exaggerated groan, “ _Do not_ make me regret this life decision Myka Bering.”

Myka laughed softly, pulling Helena impossibly closer, giving her lips a swift kiss, “I’m sorry, it was just a bit too easy. No, ok, serious. What do you mean, ‘how do we do this?’”

Helena settled her head against Myka’s elbow, where Myka had her arm curled under her head, Helena’s fingers keeping up a steady, moving rhythm against Myka’s skin, “Myka, this apartment. It’s your _home_. You’ve built so much of your life here…”

Myka nodded, “I have…” She left her sentence hanging there, wondering where Helena was going with this particular stream of conversation.

“I’m just saying that I’ve been in my apartment for all of a year. It’s not something that will tear me up to part with, so I guess what I’m asking is, if when you asked me this, if you envisioned us living here, because if you didn’t, if you thought I might want to stay in my place…”

Myka lifted up a finger to Helena’s still moving lips, silencing them instantly, “Swagger, slow down, one thing at a time. I mean, yes, you’re right, this apartment is my home, but I’ve also come to realize over the last couple of months that at this point…my _home_ …my home is wherever you are. It doesn’t matter whether we’re here, or whether we’re at your place. I’m home if you’re there.”

Helena felt her cheeks blush, “It seems foolish of me to say that the feeling is quite mutual my love.”

Myka grinned, “Definitely _not_ foolish.”

Helena took a deep breath, “Well then, with that well established, I return to my earlier question. How do we do this? How do we decide which apartment stays and which goes?” Myka bit down on her bottom lip, eyes averting from Helena’s. Helena’s brow furrowed, “Myka?”

Myka let her breath out in a slow stream, “What if we didn’t have to decide that?”

“Darling, you need to use more words…”

Myka chuckled, some of her tension ebbing at Helena’s slightly playful tone, “What if it isn’t a conversation of _which_ one goes, but just that they _both_ go?”

“But…but Myka, this place, your life here…”

Myka’s eyes returned to Helena’s, “My life here was my life before you. I mean, yes, I love this apartment, but Helena, more than anything I want us to have a place that feels like _ours_. I don’t want it to be something where one of us feels like we’re giving something up while the other isn’t. Plus, have you looked at this place? Do you honestly think two people can fit in here? I’d have to buy the next building over just to support all of our books.”

Helena’s face shifted from one of confusion, to consideration, “Our own place, huh? You’ve given this a lot of thought…” Helena watched as Myka’s face fell slightly, and instantly she felt a pang of regret. She pinched at the bridge of her nose, “Jesus, I just made that sound like I _haven’t_ thought about this. Ok, see _this_ is why you need to let me get the proper amount of sleep, otherwise I say things without thinking them through completely.”

Myka squeezed at Helena’s waist, “No, Swagger, you’re fine…really.”

Helena’s eyes steeled and flashed with certainty, “No, Myka…just…just listen for a second. Every morning that I wake up, and you’re there, all I can think about is how I _always_ want you there. Every time we actually manage to have a quiet morning to ourselves, my mind drifts to how it could be like that more, how we could be making coffee in _our_ kitchen, how we could just _exist_ , without having to worry if one of us has enough clothes to get through the weekend. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to come up with some coy comment about how many of my _earthly possessions_ you have, and how it would simply be easier if all of _our_ earthly possessions were in the same place. When you asked me…Myka, it wasn’t even a question. I’ve wanted this for longer than I properly know how to process.”

Myka leaned in and kissed Helena’s forehead, “I didn’t doubt that for one second. Trust me, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t think you were there too. I have to ask though…does this mean I can keep your travel mugs? Seeing as they’ll just end up in the same place eventually?” Myka flashed her a teasing grin.

Helena chuckled, “Of course darling. At this point, I doubted whether I’d be getting them back, so…”

“Hey!” Myka scrunched up her forehead in offense.

“Oh come on! You’ve had them for _months_.” Helena winked and pinched Myka’s waist, “You’re so cute when you get fired up.”

“Sweet talker,” Myka frowned.

Helena’s lips twisted in a smirk, “Is it working?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “It _always_ works. You know that _far too well_.”

“That I do, love, that I do. _So_ ,” Helena tugged Myka back into her hold which she had slipped out of, “back to the original conversation. You want us to find our own place?”

Myka nodded, “As long as you do too, then yes, absolutely. I want us to find some place that works for both of us, that has things we both want, that is both of ours right from the beginning.”

“What are you going to do about this place though? It would feel odd having someone else living above the store…”

Myka took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, giving Helena a questioning look, “There’s another piece to this I’ve been thinking about actually. I completely agree, I think it would be weird having someone else live here, and I don’t want it to just be empty, so I’ve been contemplating possibly turning it into a studio…”

Helena’s eyes widened, “Like a production studio?”

“Yeah. I mean, things with Philip and Sally have been going really well, a little slow, but still, it’s working, except I hate having to book studio time. That’s part of what keeps slowing us down, and then I have to readjust all the equipment to what I need each time, and it’s just _tedious_. I feel like…I feel like I could turn this into my own place, where I have what I need, and it’d be an added bonus to be close to the store…”

“Once again I say, you’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“I have. I mean, I know the whole producing thing is still really new, but it just _feels_ right. I feel like that path could be where I’m headed, like this is what I was meant to be doing.”

“It certainly would give you more freedom that’s for sure.”

Myka nodded, “It really would. I mean it would allow me to set the schedule a little bit more, and experiment with some things I can’t do when we’re tied to another studio.”

Helena gave Myka a questioning look, wondering if she should ask what she wanted to. She shrugged, if they were going to live together, might as well just get all the honesty out in the open, “Myka, can I ask you something? Something that might be none of my business?”

Myka’s lips twitched in a small smile, “Swagger, I’m pretty sure if it comes to me, everything is your business. Ask away.”

Helena sighed, “All of this. Finding our own place, the studio…I mean, I know we’re both fairly well established, and we can of course work out all of those details, but they’re both lofty goals. Can you, can we I guess, afford this?”

Myka smiled deeply, before giving Helena a soft kiss, “That is definitely a _we_ question, because you’re right. These steps are big ones, and they have an impact on our future, so totally valid question. There’s one other thing I’ve been thinking about, particularly to address that issue. I’ve been thinking about selling the cabin.”

“Myka...” Helena’s stomach twisted tightly. This wasn’t where she had envisioned this conversation going, and she knew her tone gave away her worry about where this could lead them.

Myka shook her head, her voice coming out clear and unhesitant, “It’s time, Helena. I mean, I barely go up there, and it…it’s a part of my life that isn’t there anymore, and honestly all it represents to me is where I go to run away, and that’s a part of me I’d really like to forget about. Everything else about it…it’s too painful and too emotional and just _too much_ to be anything other than a huge weight. I thought it might be kind of appropriate to put the money from that into the studio. It’s kind of a way to say goodbye and yet still remember that part of my life. I don’t know…that probably doesn’t make any sense.”

Helena reached up and laid a palm against Myka’s cheek, tracing her cheekbone with her thumb, “No, darling, it does. It makes perfect sense, and if this is what you want, then I am behind you one hundred percent, with all of it, the studio, the cabin, everything.”

“Thank you.” Myka kissed Helena softly, before continuing, “I just feel like this is a new chapter, _our_ chapter, and I’m really ready to start writing it, without all the baggage and the questions.”

Helena smiled serenely, “That sounds perfect darling.”

**

When Myka woke up the next morning, it was to an empty bed. She let out a small groan as she flung her hand out from the covers, groping for her phone, unwilling to remove her head from her pillow, or, in all actuality, any part of her body from the bed. She dragged her phone in front of her face, squinting at the too bright light glaring into her eyes. She let out another groan, 8:30. She stretched slowly, letting the growing scent of coffee fill her lungs, until finally, begrudgingly she pulled herself out of bed. She tugged on Helena’s sweatshirt with a smile, padding out to the living room. 

Helena was settled on the couch, laptop balanced on her thighs, completely unaware that Myka was awake. Myka smiled softly, simply content to watch her for a few quiet moments, all concentration and focus, fingers skipping across the keys. Finally, Myka let her footsteps shuffle up behind Helena, a hand reaching out to slide through her hair, as she leaned down to rest her chin against Helena’s shoulder. Helena let out a soft hum of appreciation as Myka kissed her cheek and whispered, “I thought we were supposed to be sleeping in this morning…”

A small waft of laughter left Helena’s lips as she leaned her head against Myka’s, “Alas my love, my mind had other intentions for me this morning.”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “Everything alright?”

Helena reached a hand up to wrap around Myka’s wrist and tug her out from behind the couch to cuddle up next to her. Myka sank onto the cushions, allowing Helena’s arm to fall around her shoulders as she settled into the crook of her arm. Helena kissed the top of her head and gestured towards the computer screen, “Everything is marvelous darling, simply my excitement getting the best of me.”

Myka’s eyes drifted to the computer screen which was riddled with so many open tabs she didn’t know how to process them all, except to recognize that they were all listings for available housing within the city. She smiled up at Helena, “Plotting and planning already, huh?”

Helena shrugged, eyes turning back to the computer, “I’d prefer to think of it as exploring our options.”

Myka smirked into Helena’s shoulder, before swallowing down her laughter and asking seriously, “So, what have your explorations revealed Swagger?”  
Helena squeezed Myka’s shoulder lightly, “Why don’t you go get a cup of coffee, and I’ll show you.”

Myka poured her coffee with a sigh of contentment so deep she wasn’t sure she could quite process it. She wasn’t sure if she had ever felt this particular brand of _happy_ before, this comforting combination of contented and settled and at peace that was suddenly filling her chest with warmth. She smiled softly to herself with a small shake of her head, there was really no need to overanalyze it. The simple fact was, she had _never_ felt like this before, and that was all Helena. She wandered back into the living room, kissing the top of Helena’s head, “You know, there’s part of me that feels inclined to point out that you _insisted_ that we go to bed last night so that you could get a decent amount of sleep and then you still got up insanely early.”

Helena arched an eyebrow and lifted up the computer so that Myka could settle between her legs, reclining back on her chest. She tugged on one of Myka’s curls, “I would be inclined to respond that the small amount of sleep I got was better than the amount you were planning on us getting last night, which was _zero_.”

Myka shrugged, “I think my plans were ideal…”

“Ideal or not love, would you have really wanted to spend all day with me when I’m exhausted and cranky?”

“True…however, I still prefer my idea…” 

Helena chuckled, “Of that I have no doubt. _Now_ , can I show you some of these, or am I doomed to spend my morning being teased?”

“ _Doomed_. If you’d just slept in…”

Helena nipped at Myka’s ear, causing her to let out a small squeak of protest, “Do not tempt me to throw you back in that bed Sleepy.”

Myka leaned back and offered Helena a coy smirk, “Well, if you’re offering…”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _Wow_ , you are in fine form this morning.”

Myka shrugged and leaned back into Helena’s chest, “If by fine form you mean ridiculously, contentedly, happy, then yes, yes I am.”

Helena’s chest swelled with an indescribable warmth, “See, then you go and say things like that, and I am forced to stop teasing you.”

“Tease all you want Swagger, just do it while showing me all your options.”

Helena chuckled, “Righty-ho then.” She clicked through a couple of the tabs, keeping up a steady stream of commentary about the possibilities of different neighborhoods and what each of them might offer, pointing out places that she had found that were close to the park, places that were close to the store, but still close enough to St. Secord and Artifact to make life manageable, places that were close to Pete and Amanda, places that were more on the outskirts of town but that she thought might work. 

After a solid ten minutes she paused, giving Myka the smallest amount of time to let out a small chuckle, “I swear to God, you officially know more about living in this town than I do.” 

Myka felt Helena’s muscles tense and ebb against her, causing her to sit up and face a very nervous looking Helena. Helena frowned slightly, “I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself.”

Myka shook her head fiercely, fingers coming up to tuck stray strands of hair behind Helena’s ears. She smiled softly, “Never. If anything, it’s possible I love you even more for just how far ahead you are.”

Helena’s lips twitched in a small, uncertain smile, “Really?”

Myka leaned in and kissed her softly, “Really. The only question I have is what is on the last couple of tabs that you seemed to be purposefully avoiding?”

Helena shook her head, “Nothing. Simply extreme examples of my being _way too_ far ahead.”

“I think we’ve established there’s no such thing. Come on. Show me.”

Helena simply sighed and twirled her finger, indicating that Myka should turn back around and face the computer. She clicked the browser over to the tabs Myka had indicated and took a deep breath, “This…it was just an idea. I was thinking about everything and it got me wondering and wondering led to exploring some different options and well here we are.”

“Swagger. Open the window.”

Helena clicked on the tab, revealing a listing for a small, but quaint cottage style house in one of the more up and coming sections of the city. She didn’t wait for Myka to say anything, just clicked through the next couple of tabs, each one revealing houses that had quiet touches of flair and uniqueness, situated in various parts of the city, each offering something a little bit different. She clicked on the last one and let out a small sigh, “As I said darling, just an idea. A _way too far ahead of myself_ idea.”

Myka shooed Helena’s fingers away from the touch pad and clicked back over to one of the tabs showing a moderate sized house with small hints of Victorian flair. Her eyes drifted to the pictures which showed a fireplace, a back porch with a view of the mountains that was breathtaking, and what looked an awful lot like a room that could be a library. She felt a smile tugging at her lips, “A house…”

“Like I said…it was just an idea…a rather silly one at that.”

“No…it’s not.” Myka peaked over her shoulder at Helena, who was staring at her with wide eyes, before turning back to the computer and clicking through the pictures on the screen again, but this time slower, “Explain to me why you think this is _silly_?”

Helena pushed her hair back, “I don’t know. I suppose I thought it might seem like it was a bit too fast. I mean, yes, we want to live together, but a house…well…a house is a bit larger than simply sharing the rent love.”

“Yes…it is, but…” Myka stopped on a picture of the master bedroom. It was bright and airy, taking up most of the top floor of the house, with a skylight directly over where the bed would be. She set her coffee on the table and linked her fingers with Helena’s, where she had her hand resting on Myka’s stomach, “What if now that you’ve said it, it seems like it’s just fast enough, just big enough?”

“What if it’s highly possible we have both lost our minds?” 

Myka chuckled, “But what if we haven’t? Helena, I’m serious. You looked these up…you kept them open…that doesn’t sound like a whim or a just some _silly_ idea to me. It sounds like you were really thinking about this.”

“I was, yes, but Myka, like I said…”

Myka sat up quickly, setting the computer on the table so that she could turn around and face Helena, her knees tucked up under her, while Helena’s legs curled and bracketed her body, “I know, like you said, fast and big and far ahead of yourself, but what if…for just a few seconds we take those words off the table? Tell me what made you find these.”

Helena sighed, “I just started thinking about how some days my apartment seems too small even for me, how somehow we’re supposed to fit both of our lives into one space, and how that seems a bit ridiculous. I was thinking about the fact that we keep talking about building a future, and that we both are fairly certain that that future is pretty much you and I, regardless of where we are. I was thinking about how I have moved so much in my life and nowhere has quite felt like home like this city does, how I could see us building a life here. I was thinking about the fact that with everything else in our lives being so chaotic, it might be nice to have some roots.”

Myka couldn’t stop a crooked smile from taking over her face, “None of those things sound silly to me. They all sound…kind of perfect.”

“Perfect or not, I don’t exactly think we should be rushing into something like this.”

Myka smiled and leaned forward, placing a small kiss on the tip of Helena’s nose, “I’m not exactly calling the bank and talking about a mortgage right this second Swagger. I just think, maybe, maybe we go and see some of these places, explore our options before we completely take it off the table.”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “You’re sure about this?”

“I am positive. Helena…everything you just said…it’s what I want. I want us to have a _life_ together…a life that we can start building despite the chaos and the crazy. Our future? God, I want nothing more than for us to have those roots, that sense of permanence, that sense of _us_.” She smirked, “Plus, I think you’re right…can you imagine us trying to fit all of our stuff into an apartment?”

Helena chuckled, “I fear our books would potentially bring the entire apartment crashing through the floor, and I highly doubt our future neighbors would appreciate that.”

“Exactly.”

Helena let out a small sigh, squeezing Myka’s hand where it was resting on her thigh, “So…a house?”

Myka nodded with a teasing smile, “A house.”

**

Myka glanced at Pete over the rim of her coffee cup. His headphones were crammed into his ears, fingers beating a steady rhythm against the table. She smiled softly before reaching over and tapping one of his hands. He tugged one of the headphones out of his ears, “What’s up Mykes?”

“I kind of need to talk to you about something.”

The other headphone was pulled away, concern immediately stealing across Pete’s face, “What’s up? Is everything alright?”

She bit back a chuckle, he was always so close to worry, which was mildly frustrating, but also sweet, “Yes, everything is fine. More than fine really, but still…”

“There’s something you need to tell me,” Pete’s voice hovered on the edge of curious and concerned. He twirled a finger in the air towards Myka, “Spill it woman.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “So charming Lattimer. No, listen…so I didn’t want to tell you until it was official, and well, after the phone call I made this morning, it’s official…”

“Mykes…you’re kind of freaking me out here. Will you just say it?”

Myka let the words rush out of her, hoping that if she said them quickly, it could make the situation a little bit easier, “I’m selling the cabin.”

Pete’s mug hit the table harder than he anticipated, eyes wide with surprise, “What?”

Myka grimaced, even though she had been expecting Pete’s shock, it still made her stomach clench, “It’s time Pete. It’s been time for awhile, and now, now with Helena and I looking at houses, and with me trying to figure out if it’s possible to open up a studio, it just…it was the logical move. Plus, it’s not like I go up there anymore, except for really horrible reasons, and honestly I can’t really see myself taking Helena up there for a vacation. I mean that would be really weird. I just feel like it’s time to let it go.”

“And you’re completely, one hundred percent ok with that?” 

Myka shrugged off Pete’s doubtful look, “I am more than ok with it, Pete. Honestly? I’d been thinking about it for awhile now. It just doesn’t make sense to keep holding on to something that ultimately only causes me pain, and that’s mostly just lying vacant. I feel like it’s better to let someone have it that is actually going to use it and _enjoy_ it, because that’s never going to be me.”

Pete shook his head slowly, “I just don’t think I know what to say. I mean I get it, I do, I just don’t think I ever thought you’d do it.”

Myka reached across the table, resting her hand over his, “I’m ready for a fresh start, Pete. I mean, Jesus, I’m _buying a house_ with Helena. It’s time to let the past go…and the cabin? The cabin is my past Pete.”

“So, is this like official, like it’s gone already, or…”

“Not yet. I called the realtor that Helena and I have been talking to about finding a place this morning and asked if he might be able to help me get it on the market. He said it was easily done, and that if I could go up and get it ready, he could put it on the market, and all I’d have to do is sign some papers when the time came.”

“That sounds fairly official to me.”

Myka shrugged, “It won’t be until it’s sold. Who knows? Maybe no one will want it, and then it’ll be back to the drawing board of figuring out how I’m going to afford opening up this studio.”

Pete gave her a wide, reassuring smile, accompanied by a squeeze to her hand, “You’ll figure it out, Mykes. Plus, that cabin will sell in a heartbeat, so I doubt it will be an issue.”

They lapsed into a careful silence, Myka pretending not to notice the small glances Pete kept shooting her way, Pete trying to get a read on if Myka was really as ok as she claimed. Eventually, Myka let out a small sigh, “There’s something else.”

Pete gave a low whistle, “Man you are just _full_ of surprises this morning.”

“It’s basically just a continuation of the cabin talk. I just, I was wondering…I’m planning on going up this weekend to pack up. There’s not much to get really, since I think I’m mostly going to leave a lot of the furniture, the beds, the dressers, they came with the place anyway. Still, I need to go get my clothes,” she took a deep breath, swallowing hard, “the rest of Sam’s things that are still up there that I’ve just chosen to ignore are still in the closet, and well…I was wondering if you and Amanda would want to come? I thought it might be nice, if we had one more day, and that way you guys can have a chance to say goodbye. Jesus, you spent as much time up there as I did.”

A small smile stole over Pete’s face, “I’d love that, and I think Amanda would too.”

“Good. I really would like you guys to be there.”

“Well, then there we shall be.” Pete rubbed his free hand nervously against his jeans, skirting Myka’s gaze.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Out with it. What do you want to say?”

“Is H.G. going to come with us?”

Myka eyed him carefully, “I can’t tell if that’s you asking because you think she should or because you think she shouldn’t…”

Pete sighed, “I’m asking because I think she should. Regardless of how ok you are with this Myka, it’s going to be hard, and you’re going to need her there. Plus, it was a huge part of your life…and well…it just seems like she should be there.”

Myka laughed softly, “You are the biggest softie on earth, do you know that?” Pete just rolled his eyes as Myka continued, “She’s coming, Pete. For exactly the reasons that you just said. I don’t feel like hiding this from her, the fact that it’s going to be hard, or the fact that so much of my life used to be up there. I told her if she didn’t feel comfortable she didn’t have to come, however…”

“ _However_ , she’s H.G.” Pete smirked.

Myka smiled, “Exactly. She pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that if I wanted her there then the conversation was over.”

Pete chuckled, “That woman is going to keep you on your toes for the rest of your life, I hope you know that.”

Myka could feel herself practically beaming, “I’m kind of counting on it.”

**

“Bloody hell…” Helena’s tone was awed as Myka pulled her car into the driveway of the cabin, checking behind her to make sure she had left Pete enough room to get his truck in.

Myka smirked, “You alright over there Swagger?”

Helena sat forward and craned her neck to see further out the front window, “I thought you said this was a _cabin_.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “It _is_ a cabin.”

Helena shot her an incredulous look before returning her gaze to the window, “This is not a cabin. _This_ is a house. This is a _very large_ house. I don’t care how cozy or isolated is.”

Myka chuckled, looking at the cabin and trying to see it from Helena’s perspective, “Ok…I can see where _cabin_ doesn’t quite fit the description, but trust me, around here, it does.”

Helena turned to Myka, suddenly serious, “Myka, are you sure you want to do this?”

Myka glanced back up at her all too familiar surroundings, feeling the mountain air starting to creep into her lungs. A small, almost sad, smile pulled at her lips as she turned back to Helena, “I’m positive. I mean yes, it’s big, and it’s gorgeous, and a lot of people would kill for this property, but at this point, to me, it’s just a really big, really empty pit of memories that will never cease to be way too hard to step into.”

Helena’s eyes roamed around the view, “I feel like I’m somehow getting a glimpse into a part of your life that I’ve never seen before.”

Myka chuckled softly, “Trust me, I kind of feel that way too. The thing is though, a year ago? I would have been terrified for you to see that part, but now? Now, I feel like you need to see it.”

Helena leaned over the center console, even as her fingers wrapped around the door handle, kissing Myka lightly, “Well then, let’s get to it.”

Myka and Helena emerged from her car, right as Amanda was slamming the door of Pete’s truck shut with her foot, arms laden down with boxes. She peered over the top of them, “I swear to God, I feel like I am twenty-three years old again. This place hasn’t changed a bit.”

Pete jumped down from the truck, blowing air into his cupped hands, “No, it hasn’t, because it’s still fucking freezing up here. I swear it’s warm for like two weeks in August, and that’s it. Mykes, you really had to decide to do this in the middle of goddamn November?”

Myka flicked him off with a cocky smile, “Only to aggravate you, Pete, I promise.”

Pete came up and flung an arm around Myka’s shoulders, kissing her cheek sloppily, “Yeah, I love you too.”

Myka pushed him away playfully, “I will make you pack all these boxes yourself.”

“Uh huh, and when the day comes that you and lady love over there need help moving into your new place, these guns,” he flexed exaggeratedly, “will be _nowhere_ around to help.”

Helena sighed and pinched her nose, “I believe that is a sentence _and_ a gesture that I never needed to see in all my life.”

“Are you three going to stand around all day messing with each other in the freezing cold, or are we actually going to, ya know, _go inside_ at any point?” Amanda called out from the porch.

“Peter, I believe _your_ lady love could use a hand with those boxes. Why don’t you go put your muscles to work?” Helena winked.

Myka sighed despite the grin on her face, “Ugh, it is going to be a _long_ day.”

Helena tucked her arm around Myka’s waist, kissing her temple, “You’re probably right, but it will only get longer if we keep stalling.”

Myka took a deep breath, “Ok…here we go.”

**

They’d been packing for two hours when Amanda came into the kitchen, where Myka and Helena were wrapping up dishes, laughing so hard she could hardly breathe. Helena looked at Myka skeptically, “Should we be concerned about her?”

Myka looked at Amanda, saw what she was holding in her hands, and immediately joined in her laughter. Helena couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up in her own throat despite not having a clue what was going on, “ _Apparently_ , I need to be concerned about _both_ of you.”

Myka reached out a hand and gripped Helena’s arm, trying to catch her breath, “No, no you don’t. Seriously, we’re good.”

Laughter still shook Amanda’s shoulders as she tried to get her words out, “I cannot believe these are still here.”

“Oh come on, there was _no way_ I was throwing those out. I couldn’t throw away that much leverage over Pete.”

Helena eyed the fabric in Amanda’s hands, “Are those pink, camouflage pajamas?”

Amanda burst into another fit of laughter, “That is _exactly_ what they are.”

At that exact moment, Pete came back downstairs, “What in the hell are you guys laughing about?” His eyes caught the fabric dangling in Amanda’s hands, eyes immediately going wide, “Oh no. No, no, no, no, _no_. Mykes, you said you would burn those things.”

Myka bit her lip, “I might have lied about that.”

Pete pointed a quick finger at her, “Traitor!” He launched himself at Amanda, trying to get a hold on the clothes, but she darted around the island, cowering behind Myka and Helena. Pete leaned over the island at them, “Amanda Grace, I will make you walk home…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Ok that’s a bigger lie than me telling you I got rid of those.”

Pete’s shoulders slumped in defeat, “You guys suck.”

Amanda and Myka both gave him mock pouting faces. “Look at it this way, at least we’re not demanding you wear them again,” Myka teased.

“Wait a second! _Pete_ , wore _those_?” Helena’s laughter quickly resumed, joining Myka’s and Amanda’s.

Pete folded his arms across his chest, “I will have you know I looked _damn good_ in them too.”

“Of that I have no doubt, but someone must explain to me how it happened in the first place.”

Amanda emerged from behind the two of them and walked over behind Pete, wrapping her arms around his middle, holding the offending pajamas up for him to model, “My darling fiancé here forgot to pack pajamas one of the times we came up here for vacation.”

Myka closed her eyes and laughed softly at the memory, “Sam was going out to pick up dinner anyway, so he volunteered to stop at the store, which is seriously like an hour away, and get him some clothes.”

Pete groaned, “That ass came back with these.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “And you _wore_ them?”

“It was cold!” 

Amanda leaned up and kissed his cheek, “He threatened to sleep in nothing, however, the temperature dropped and alas, he was stuck with the bright pink pjs.”

“Why didn’t you just go out and buy a different set?”

“Sam hid the keys to the truck,” Myka’s voice came out a bit softer, despite her continued light laughter. “It took Pete three days to find them, and at that point, well…he claimed they were comfortable.”

Pete sighed, “God, we were weird.”

Amanda squeezed her arms around Pete’s waist, “Yeah, but it was fun.”

Myka gave them both a soft, almost pained look, before taking a deep breath, “So…are you going to burn them now that you have the chance?”

Pete looked down at the clothes that Amanda still had draped over his chest, then gave Myka a small smile, “Nah, I think I’ll take ‘em home.”

**

“Peter, have you seen Myka?” Helena asked as Pete continued to put books into a box in the living room.

He gave her a tiny, almost grimace of a smile, “She’s upstairs. In the back bedroom, pretty much upstairs and straight back to the end of the hall…”

Realization dawned on Helena as she took in the look on Pete’s face, “Ah…I just…I hadn’t seen her in awhile. Do you think…would it be ok if I…”

Pete reached out and squeezed Helena’s hand, “Go check on her.”

Helena took slow, even steps up the stairs, trying to breath normally, trying to _act_ normally, though nothing about her current situation felt normal. When she reached the door Pete had indicated, it was only half open. She took a deep breath and raised her knuckles to it, knocking softly. Myka’s voice filtered out to her though it was quieter than usual, “Come on in.”

Helena nudged the door open, barely poking her head in. Myka was settled on the floor in front of the open closet, a pile of clothes that were very obviously Sam’s next to her, which she was slowly folding. Myka glanced over her shoulder, offering Helena a small smile that nearly took Helena’s breath away, “Hey you.”

Helena stepped carefully into the room, feeling as though she was intruding, “Hello darling…I just wanted to see if you were alright up here?”

Myka gave her another smile, “Yeah, I am. How are things going down there?”

Helena leaned back against the door jamb, “Nearly finished I think. Pete was working on the bookshelves, and Amanda was starting to get some of the boxes loaded up.”

“Sounds good.” Myka glanced at the pile of clothes next to her, “This should be the last bit of stuff to pack up, so we should be almost there.”

“Ok, I’ll go and let Pete and Amanda know.”

Helena moved to leave the room, but Myka’s voice called her back, “Helena, wait.”

She turned back slowly, “Yes, love?”

“You don’t have to go.”

“Myka, really, just take your time.”

Myka uncurled her legs from underneath her, stood and stretched, before stepping towards Helena, who continued to hover in the doorway. She reached out and took her hand, “Please, don’t go. It’s really ok.”

“I don’t want to intrude Myka. If you need this time…”

Myka squeezed her hand, “I could use a little distraction from all my _time_.”

Helena finally allowed her gaze to filter around the room, unsure whether she truly wanted to take in what she was seeing. There were still a few picture frames on the dresser, each one containing a picture of Myka and Sam. She tried not to stare, to avert her eyes as quickly as possible, feeling Myka watching her. Her breath caught as she glanced towards the opposite end of the room, where an entire wall was taken up by huge windows displaying a breathtaking view of the lake below, a queen sized bed was settled near the window, allowing the perfect vantage point for lazy mornings spent staring outside. She couldn’t help herself the words that escaped her lips, “It’s beautiful.”

Myka followed her gaze, small smile playing at the corners of her mouth, “It was pretty much why we bought it.”

Helena sighed as she leaned back against the wall, pulling Myka with her. Myka willingly followed, allowing Helena to hold her tightly. Helena’s fingers stole up and pushed through Myka’s curls, “It feels a bit strange...imagining all of you up here. Seeing what your lives were like then.”

Myka let out a small puff of laughter, “It feels like someone else’s life, like it was eons ago, like I don’t quite remember living it, even though it wasn’t really all that long ago.”

Helena kissed the top of Myka’s head, “I understand that feeling quite well darling.” She felt Myka sigh and settle deeper into her hold. Helena squeezed her lightly, barely whispering out, “Were you happy though?”

Myka considered for a moment, letting her eyes fall more openly around the room than she had before. She took a deep breath, mind flooded with images she no longer fought to suppress, “I was, we were…at the time. For a few brief moments we were.”

“Then, my love, that’s what you hold on to, and the rest…”

“The rest…the rest you just try and live with I guess.”

Helena gave a soft sigh, holding Myka tighter, “That’s all we can try and do darling. Each and every one of us, every single day.”

Myka pulled herself out of Helena’s hold, turning in her arms, and leaning back against her, head resting on Helena’s shoulder as they both gazed out the window, quietly. Eventually, Myka’s voice started to filter out, “Today is the first day I’ve been in this room since all of it happened.”  
Helena debated responding, but when she felt Myka’s chest expand, like she was going to continue, she swallowed down her words. Myka let out a deep breath, “It was just too hard. I couldn’t take facing the memories. I had almost forgotten all these pictures were still in here. I just shut this room up and tried to forget that it existed. Probably not the healthiest way to deal, but at the time I didn’t really know what else to do. Now though, I at least feel like I can face it, like I can handle it. I think before, if I would have opened up those closet doors, I would have just crawled into a corner and no one would have been able to pull me out, but now, it just feels like taking tiny moments to appreciate what it was, and letting it go.”

Helena waited to see if there was more, but when there wasn’t she spoke, “It’s all a part of healing, I think. Some days, you feel like you’ve got it completely under control. Other days you don’t know how to function. And then others…well others you can imagine taking a few steps forward, one at a time.”

Myka let out a small sigh, knowing just how intimately Helena understood what she was going through, the emotions that were coursing just beneath the surface gave her an indescribable amount of comfort, knowing that in this moment, in this feeling she wasn’t alone. She turned her head and kissed Helena’s cheek, “I’m really glad you came with us, that you’re here.”

Helena took in the almost serene look on Myka’s face, on the way she looked almost contented, like she was seeing Helena in a different light somehow. Helena leaned forward and kissed her forehead, “I am too, darling.”

**

Amanda stepped out onto the porch, pressing her hands into her lower back in some small attempt to get her muscles to loosen. She took a deep breath, letting the mountain air, the near hint of winter coming off of the lake fill her. She knew it had been years since they’d been here, years since this place had meant anything other than pain, but it didn’t stop the twist in her stomach of how much she was going to miss it, miss the idea of it, the option, the promise of seclusion and time away that it offered. She sighed, time had too much of a tendency to skip away from them, and now, well now, it felt like a definitive ending to a chapter she hadn’t even realized was still open. As her thoughts drifted, her eyes strayed down to the lake, only to be greeted with the unmistakable outline of Pete’s back, where he stood at the edge of the lake, hands shoved in his pockets, staring out over the water. A soft smile tugged at her lips, even while her chest thrummed with an unknowable pang that made her feet start moving before she was even fully aware of what she was doing.

The leaves beneath her feet crunched with every footstep, making her approach anything but subtle, though Pete still didn’t turn at the sound. She rested a hand against the small of his back, “Babe?” Pete turned a tight smile to her, immediately tucking his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his chest. He kissed the top of her head, but didn’t say anything. 

Amanda wrapped her arms around his waist, savoring the silence for the briefest of moments before looking up to see where Pete’s sunglasses were doing a poor job at hiding the emotion he was trying to hold back. She rubbed a hand against his stomach, “You ok?”

He shrugged and simply held her tighter, “Just figured I’d give myself a few minutes to say goodbye.”

Amanda nodded against his chest, “It feels strange. I mean, I know that it’s been a long time since this place was a real part of our lives, but still, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard knowing it’s over.”

“Mykes seems happy though. I mean…not _happy_ happy, with the packing and the memories and everything, but I don’t know, she just seems…”

“Contented,” Amanda whispered.

“Exactly. So as much as I might miss this place, or at least the _idea_ of it, it’s totally worth it to see her like this.”

Amanda smiled, “I could not agree more.”

Before either of them could say anything else, Myka’s voice filtered down to them from the porch with a teasing lilt, “Pete, it’s November, you couldn’t catch fish in the summer, it sure as hell isn’t going to happen now.”

They both laughed as they turned towards her voice, to see her coming towards them. Amanda leaned up and kissed Pete’s cheek, “I’m going to give you guys a second.”

Pete squeezed her shoulders, “Thanks ‘Mands.”

Amanda reached out and gave Myka’s hand a squeeze as she passed her going back up to the house, but Myka didn’t question the gesture, or the look Amanda gave her, simply smiled before sidling up to Pete, bumping into his shoulder, “Hey…”

“Hey Mykes…” 

Myka took in the look on his face, the slight crack in his voice. She laid a hand against his shoulder, flashing him a crooked smile, “Ya know, I was just teasing about the fishing…”

He chuckled, shaking his head, “Yeah, I know. Though, it is true. Six fucking years, not one, single fish.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “At this point, I’m pretty sure they were just screwing with you two. Maybe they enjoyed watching your frustration as much as Amanda and I did.”

Pete tried to laugh, but it got caught in his throat, “Yeah…maybe something like that…” He sighed, “Half the time we stayed out here longer than necessary to avoid the mercilessly ribbing we’d take from you two when we came back in empty handed.”

“And here we thought that you were simply out here bonding the whole time,” Myka smirked.

“Bonding over how evil our girlfriends were.”

Myka let out a ghost of a laugh, “You two were so weird…” Pete tried to clear his throat subtly, tried to tamp down the emotion that was creeping through his veins, but he couldn’t quite keep it under control. He ended up letting out a strange half-cough, half-laugh, that only pointed to how futile his attempts to keep calm were. Myka felt a small tear slip down her cheek, and she looped her arm through Pete’s, pulling him closer, “We had one hell of a time up here, didn’t we?”

Pete leaned his head against Myka’s, “We did.” He cleared his throat again, but didn’t try to hold back the tears that fell into Myka’s curls, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, because there’s still such a part of me that is so pissed off at him, which _I know_ is crazy, but…being up here…it just made me realize how much I miss him, and I feel bad saying that because…well just _because_ …I mean H.G. is here and you’re…”

“Pete…” Myka squeezed his arm, “It’s ok. Trust me.” She took a deep breath, eyes straying back to the cabin, before falling back over the lake, “I miss him too. I mean, it’s different now, but that doesn’t stop the fact that I do.”

Pete unwound his arm from Myka’s and pulled her into a tight hug, kissing her head, “We’re a bit pathetic, you know that?”

Myka chuckled into his shoulder, “I do, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Pete gave her one more tight squeeze, “So tall gal, what do ya say? Time to get out of here?”

Myka looked out over the lake, closing her eyes and letting one last image of Pete and Sam standing along its edge race through her mind, before letting out a deep breath and opening them back up to the bright sunlight and the fresh air, “Yeah, I think it is.”

**

Myka pulled the door closed behind her, letting her fingertips linger for the briefest of seconds on the wood, whispering out a near soundless, “Goodbye.” 

She took a deep breath and turned towards the steps, to be greeted by Helena standing at the bottom of them, offering her a small, understanding smile. Myka stopped at the bottom step and leaned forward, kissing Helena’s forehead. Helena hummed quietly, “Are you alright darling?”

Myka stepped down off the steps and slipped her hand into Helena’s, giving it a light squeeze, “You know what? I think I really am.”

**

_Colorado Springs, Colorado, mid-November 2011_

“Oh my God, I am exhausted,” Myka dropped forcefully onto Helena’s couch, pulling the blanket from the back of it down over her as she went, eyes immediately closing the second her head hit the pillow.

Helena’s laughter filtered out from the closet as she hung her coat up, “You were the one that said it would be a _great_ idea to do all of these showings in one day, that way we could _compare and contrast_ , darling.”

Myka flung the blanket over her head with a groan, “ _Do not_ use my own words against me Helena Wells. It’s evil.”

“Oh, my poor, tired Myka,” Helena bumped her hip against Myka’s waist so that she had enough room to sit down on the couch with her. She reached out and ran her fingers through Myka’s curls, “I shall try to keep my evilness at bay for the rest of the evening, I promise.”

A smile stole across Myka’s face as she pulled the blanket off of her head, “Marvelous.” SHe reached out a hand, gripping Helena’s arm to pull her down to lay next to her. Helena easily fell into Myka’s hold, as Myka kissed her temple, “See, no evilness means cuddling, and cuddling is _good_.”

Helena gave a tiny snort of laughter, “My lord you are tired, aren’t you?”

Myka groaned and pulled Helena closer, “How are you _not_ tired? We spent like twelve hours looking at houses today, I feel like my feet are going to fall off, and I’m fairly certain my brain has turned to mush.”

Helena shrugged, “I feel like I can’t get my brain to shut _off_ at the moment. If you can get that to happen, I’m sure the exhaustion will quickly follow.”

Myka cracked open one eye to glance at Helena, “That _gorgeous_ brain of yours isn’t going to shut off until we recap is it?”

A small smile tugged at Helena’s lips as she propped herself up on an elbow to look down at Myka, “ _Nope_. However, if you are that tired, I’m sure I can be convinced to hold off.”

“No, no, I’m good.” Myka pushed herself up into a sitting position, “Plus, you know that I can’t say no to you when you’re looking at me like that, so let’s do this. Recapping commencing.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I’m going to ignore that comment since it’s coming from the queen of the puppy dog eyes.”

“Yours are less a puppy dog thing, and more of a kid in a candy store thing at the moment.”

Helena toyed with Myka’s fingers, glancing away from her, “I can’t help it. I’m excited. I mean, yes, today was exhausting, but it was also…”

“Kind of incredible,” Myka squeezed Helena’s hand. “Imagining that one of those places could be ours. Envisioning where everything would go, how it would all play out…”

Helena’s gaze returned to Myka’s, her voice coming out a little breathless, “Exactly.”

Myka leaned down to where Helena was still reclining on her shoulder, lifting Helena’s chin up with her fingers and placing a gentle kiss to her lips, “You know, it was kind of cute, and also extremely distracting, how at various points today I could see all those engineering wheels turning in your head. I could see you trying to map out and visualize how everything was going to work. It was kind of like getting a glimpse of London you.”

Helena smiled, “The inevitable consequences of still very much being an engineer at heart _and_ dating someone who owns more pianos that should be legal. Half the time, the wheels that you could see turning were wondering where the hell we were going to put all of them.”

Myka chuckled, “Ok, I’ll take that, even though I would say if I’ve been able to fit them all in my apartment, I’m sure we can maneuver them into a house. Plus, I’ll probably leave at least one there for the studio, so that’s something.”

“That _is_ something. All I have to say is that we’re hiring movers. Getting the one out of the cabin and into the truck with the four of us is something I don’t ever want to experience again.”

“Agreed.” Myka arched an eyebrow at her, “Did you really want to recap, or was this just an excuse to mock my abundance of earthly possessions?”

Helena turned her head and kissed Myka’s shoulder, “A little bit of both.”

“Typical,” Myka rolled her eyes playfully. “Ok, less mocking, more recapping.”

Helena reached behind her to grab her phone off the table, “Looking through the pictures would probably help.”

After a half an hour of flipping and _re-flipping_ through the pictures on Helena’s phone, of rattling off possibilities, and pros and cons, Myka reached out and stilled Helena’s thumb where it was ready to start through the pictures for a fourth time. Helena gave her a questioning look, before Myka let out a small sigh and turned her palm up to enfold her fingers around Helena’s, “So…I realize that between the two of us, we have far more rationality than is probably good and healthy, but can I say something that kind of flies in the face of all of that?”

“Sure?” Helena’s face was still furrowed in a look of confusion.

Myka used her free hand to push her hair back from her forehead, “We’ve looked through these pictures three times, and there are ones that we just keep focusing on and looking at longer and talking about more.” Myka pulled Helena’s phone out of her hand and flipped over to a picture of one of the houses Helena had found the morning after Myka had asked her to move in. Myka looked at the picture and then back at Helena, “We spent the most time here. I watched the way you kept looking at all the little eccentricities about it and smiling. I saw the way you kept calculating certain things, like you could envision everything where it was supposed to be. I mean, I get it, this is a huge decision and one that we’re supposed to talk over and over about and weigh all the possibilities, but what if the only possibility that matters to us is that _this house_ seems like the one we could build our life in?”

Helena let out a deep sigh of relief, “Oh thank God. I kept trying to tell myself that it was way too soon and we needed to sort through all of our options and probably look at more places, but Myka…I love this house. It was the only house we saw all day that from the second I walked in, it felt like it could be home. I mean the fireplace…”

“The room that pretty much screamed that it could be a library…”

“The little cottage in the back…”

“The skylights in the bedroom…that view of the mountains…”

Helena smiled softly, leaning up to press her lips to Myka’s, “I think we could be really, really happy there.”

Myka dipped her head for another, longer kiss, before whispering out against Helena’s lips, “As long as I let you redo the kitchen, right? Because don’t think for _one second_ that I missed the look on your face when we walked in.”

Helena’s eyes widened, even as she let out a burst of laughter, “I’m sorry, but there’s so much more potential you could get out of that kitchen, trust me.”

“You are a crazy, crazy woman, and I love you.”

“I love you too darling.” Helena fiddled with Myka’s fingers, “So…”

Myka gave her a tiny, crooked smile, “So…I think we take the rest of the weekend, and then we’ll call Adnan on Monday, see if we can look at it one more time, make sure we aren’t being _too_ crazy and impetuous, and then we decide.”

“I think that sounds like a marvelous plan, darling.”

Myka watched as Helena’s bottom lip curled between her teeth, a look of uncertainty creeping into her eyes. She gave her hand a small squeeze, “What is it Swagger?”

Helena bothered her lip a little bit more, “Can we look at the pictures of it one more time? And then I swear we can go to bed.”

Myka let out what she was sure sounded a lot like a giggle, “Absolutely.” 

**

“Too. Many. Books.” Pete puffed out as he heaved another box into the back of his truck, “Jesus you two, are you trying to become the two smartest women on earth?”

“Oh I’m fairly certain we’re already there Peter, these we just read for fun,” Helena winked as she slid another box into the truck next to the one Pete had put down.

Pete wiped his forehead on the sleeve of his shirt, “I thought you guys were getting movers? Or are you planning on paying all of us after this is over?”

“Paying you with undying love and affection, Pete,” Myka smirked as she emerged from Helena’s building with two boxes in her arms. She pushed them into the truck and then leaned back against it, kissing Helena’s cheek and looking up at Pete where he was tapping his foot, still waiting for an answer. Myka rolled her eyes, “We _did_ hire movers for the big stuff. Beds, couches,” Helena cleared her throat, causing Myka to roll her eyes again, “ _pianos_ , but we figured we could take care of this stuff and save some money. I’m sorry but do you know how expensive moving companies are?”

Pete flexed his muscles, “ _Do you know_ how much time and effort it takes to keep these bad boys in prime shape? I could charge you for wear and tear to my body, Mykes.”

“Ugh, nope, nope, no, _hell no_ , do not ever say that sentence ever again, God…” Myka shuddered playfully.

“Try to recover there darling,” Helena smirked, before turning to Pete, “I promise we will pay you in all the pizza you can eat at some point, how about that?”

Pete beamed, “Sold! See, Mykes, at least H.G. knows what’s up.”

“I have no idea what that means, and I believe I’m just going to go get more boxes. I’d much prefer to _not_ be here when Myka kicks your ass, Peter.”

Pete scoffed, “Uh huh…like she could.” Myka shot him a playful glare, and he threw up his hands in surrender, “Alright, alright, I think I’m with H.G., more boxes!”

Myka followed Helena and Pete back into the building, only to be stopped by Steve, “Did I just hear something about wear and tear and Pete’s body?”

Myka groaned, “Do not ask, you don’t want to know.”

Steve chuckled, “See, this is why Liam and I just moved ourselves. It took forever, but we were saved from all the…shall we say, commentary?”

“Commentary seems like a polite word for it.”

Steve grinned and gestured up the stairs with a nod of his head, “It’s almost done up there, only a few more trips.”

“Thank God. Then we can just go over and get everything unloaded since all my stuff is already there, and sometime in the not so distant future I can collapse and sleep for three straight days.”

“I’m pretty sure Liam and I didn’t move for an entire weekend after we moved. We made makeshift tables out of our boxes, and slept on our mattress for a week.”

Myka grinned, “I somehow have a feeling Helena will be a little more enthusiastic about the unpacking than that.”

Steve chuckled, “Somehow, I think you’re right.”

“Hey slow pokes, there are only like four more boxes up there, get movin’,” Amanda yelled from the top of the stairs, as she shifted the boxes in her arms.

Steve turned around and maneuvered his boxes to put up his middle finger at her, “Slow poke my ass, my arms are full down here.”

“Yeah, yeah, big talker, I think mine look heavier than yours.”

Myka grinned at them both and started sprinting up the stairs, “I don’t know about you Steve, but I think I prefer doing what she says to getting the drill sergeant treatment.”

“Call me whatever you want, it got you moving didn’t it?” 

Steve groaned, “None of us are ever moving again…. _ever_.”

**

Myka walked into the apartment, dusting her hands off on her pants, “That’s the last of it.”

Helena smiled at her from where she was leaning against the hallway entrance, hands tucked in her pockets, “It looks smaller. Smaller than I remember when I moved in.”

Myka moved to stand behind Helena, arms wrapping around her waist, reveling in the feeling of Helena immediately laying her arms across them. Myka kissed her cheek, “It’s weird seeing it empty.” She sighed lightly, eyes roaming around the apartment, a wave of memories suddenly flooding her brain, followed immediately by the feeling of tears pricking her eyes, “I’m going to miss this place…”

Helena squeezed her arms and leaned her head back on Myka’s shoulder, “I am too. I feel a bit as though our life together started here…”

Myka smiled softly, “It kind of did. I still remember the way you looked the morning of the blizzard, all curled up in the chair by the window, telling me I wasn’t going anywhere for the day.”

Helena chuckled, “And trying to not seem nervous as hell that you were standing in my apartment, in my clothes.”

“God, you want to talk about nervous…remember how awkward I was picking you up for our first date? Jesus, it took me ten minutes to get up the nerve to press the button to have you buzz me in.”

“All those Wednesday nights of you dropping me off in front of the building and all I wanted was to ask you to come up.”

“I think I’m going to have to reprogram my car to not just automatically drive here on Wednesdays…”

Helena turned her head to look at Myka with a toying grin, “I do believe I have a _very specific_ memory associated with this particular archway.”

Myka blushed, “Do you know when we took the entertainment center out, I realized that my shoe _did_ put a small knick in the wood that night?”

Helena grinned, “I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I knew you’d apologize profusely, when personally, I kind of enjoy having such a blatant reminder of that evening.”

“So I suppose we won’t be going out and buying a new entertainment center anytime soon?”

“I don’t believe so darling.”

Myka let out a small sigh, looking around the apartment. She pressed her hands against Helena’s hips, encouraging Helena to spin in her arms, “What do you say? Give this place one last memory?”

Helena bit back a smart comment, and simply arched a careful eyebrow, “I’d say it’s earned it.”

Myka smiled before leaning down and placing gentle, careful lips to Helena’s. Helena’s arms twined around Myka’s neck, toying with the small curls that had snuck out of her ponytail. Slowly, Helena eased herself off of her tip toes and leaned her forehead against Myka’s, smiling, “I believe that was a proper goodbye.”

Myka chuckled, “I’d say so.”

“And now, we have an entire house that eventually will be filled with entirely new memories.”

“I think I like the sound of that.”

Helena grinned, leaning up to give Myka another peck, “I do too darling.” She sighed softly, fingers continuing to work through Myka’s hair, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too Swagger.”

A sharp whistle jolted them both out of the moment, “Yo! Love birds! Let’s get this truck movin’, we’re losing daylight.” Claudia grinned from the doorway.

Helena chuckled, “I believe that’s our cue love. Are you ready to go home?”

Myka’s heart swelled in her chest at the smile that overtook Helena’s face at the use of the word. She unwound her arms from Helena’s waist, linking their hands with a tight squeeze, “Home sounds fantastic.”

**

Three hours later, Helena collapsed onto the couch and declared, “I believe this is the absolute perfect place for the couch, love.”

Myka glanced through the dining room doorway and burst out laughing, “Uh, Swagger? You’re like five feet from the door, it’s crooked, and I think at some point you’d actually like to, ya know, _see_ the fireplace.”

Helena threw an arm over her face, “I did not hear a word you said. I maintain, _perfect_.” 

Myka grinned and moved to tuck herself next to Helena on the couch. She let out a contented groan, “Oh, yeah, absolutely perfect.”

“See? I told you.”

Myka tucked an arm around Helena’s waist, burying her head against her shoulder, “You know, at some point, we probably need to think about food…”

“At some point, love. For now…we’re staying right here.”

“Sounds good.”

A faint knocking nudged Myka out of sleep. At first she thought she was imagining things, until the noise continued, more insistently, “Ugh, what the bloody hell?”

Helena chuckled in her half-awake state, “You’ve lived with me for all of two hours and you’ve already fully adapted my vocabulary.”

Myka swatted at her thigh, and pushed herself up off the couch, “Hush. Who the hell would be knocking? _We just got here_.”

Helena shrugged and rolled to face the door, “Might as well find out.”

Myka opened the door to be faced with Steve and Liam, arms laden with pizza boxes and a six pack of cider. Myka gaped, “What on earth are you guys doing?”

Steve grinned hoisting the pizza higher, “Feeding you. We remembered how absolutely exhausted we were when we moved in, and it took all of our energy to even order food, so we figured we’d save you two from the same fate.”

Myka bit her lip in a crooked smile, “You guys really didn’t have to do that. You helped all day. I’m sure you’re tired too.”

Liam shrugged and edged into the house, shooting Helena a quick wink where she was still curled on the couch, “It’s not a big deal. It’s pizza and a six-pack. We didn’t exactly slave over a four course dinner here.”

Helena grinned, finally extracting herself from the couch and taking the pizza boxes from Steve, “Thank you both.”

“No problem.” Steve tucked an arm around Myka’s shoulders and kissed her head, “There are paper plates and napkins in the bag, plus we made sure the bottles were twist off, because no one wants to search for a fucking bottle opener when all their stuff is in boxes.”

Myka chuckled, “You two are way too much.”

Liam held up his hands, “Simply letting you two benefit from the mistakes we made when we moved in. Steve ended up breaking a bottle in two because he tried to open it against the edge of the counter, so we spent our first night in our place searching for the broom. Not fun.”

“Ah but look at the fantastic memories we have now,” Steve grinned.

“That’s true.” Liam clapped his hands, “Ok, you have food, you have alcohol, you have means to eat said food, and now we’ll get out of your hair.”

Myka and Helena hugged them both with profuse words of thanks. Helena let a hand fall against Liam’s shoulder, “Once we have everything put together, I believe we will owe you both a proper dinner.”

Liam kissed her cheek, “You know we’ll never turn that down. Have a good night you guys. Eat and get some sleep.”

Myka shut the door with a small laugh, “I’m pretty sure our friends are way too good for us.”

Helena grinned, “I believe you’re right darling, though I will admit I am extremely glad that they are.” She glanced around, forehead scrunched in consideration, “Ok, there is one box that I paid attention to where I put it because I figured we’d need it.” She spun in a small circle, before her eyes landed on a larger box in front of the fireplace, “Ah ha, there you are.” 

“Swagger, what on earth are you doing?” Myka asked as Helena hunched over into the box, arms digging to pull things out, “We said no unpacking yet.”

Helena turned around with an exuberant smile and threw a heap of material at Myka’s face, “It’s our first dinner in our house. I’m making it cozy. Do not try and stop me.”

Myka grinned into the blanket that was currently shoved against her face, “Would calling you adorable diminish your badass, rock star swagger?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Oh yes, terribly darling.”

“Well, then I suppose I’ll let it go unsaid,” Myka winked as she unfurled the blanket and settled it onto the floor. 

Helena tossed two more heavy blankets onto the floor, tugging the pillows off of the couch and propping them up against the front of it so they could recline back on them. Myka twisted off the caps of two ciders muttering, “ _That_ was actually brilliant thinking on their part,” while Helena pulled pizza out of the box and onto plates for both of them. Myka handed Helena her cider and held her own up to it, “Happy first house dinner Swagger.”

Helena smiled softly and clinked the lip of her bottle to Myka’s, “Same to you Sleepy.”

They ate in contented silence, stretched out on the blankets. Myka couldn’t help the small glances she kept shooting Helena’s way, the smile that wouldn’t leave her face as she gazed around at _their_ house. It felt surreal and magical and indescribable. She finished her pizza and slumped back against the couch, “Ok…now I am officially exhausted.”

Helena laughed, leaning back to kiss her forehead, “I figured it’d hit you at some point.”

Myka lifted up her arm, encouraging Helena to settled in the crook of her shoulder. When she did, Myka kissed the top of her head with a small sigh, “I could sleep right here, I think.”

“I believe your back would hate you for that in the morning love.”

“Don’t care,” Myka mumbled.

Helena’s eyes roamed around the living room, all of their boxes mixed and mingled together, one of Myka’s pianos already setup by one of the front windows. She glanced up at Myka, whose eyes were closed, small smile settled on her lips. Helena grinned and leaned up to kiss her cheek, before whispering in an awed tone, “We bought a house…”

Myka hummed happily at the sensation of Helena’s lips and the hush of her words. She pulled her closer, “That we did sweets….”

“Are you happy darling?”

Myka opened her eyes and looked down at Helena, happiness dancing in her eyes, “I’m not sure there are words for how happy I am Helena.”

“I’m sure between both of our _vast_ vocabularies we could find some,” Helena teased.

Myka chuckled, “I’m sure we could. Though I’m pretty sure my brain has ceased functioning for the night.”

Helena sat up, “Before you go completely comatose on me love…there’s one last thing I feel we should do.”

Myka arched an eyebrow, “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

Helena stood, “Our new house deserves a proper first song.” She held out a hand to Myka, “Dance with me?”

Myka grinned and took Helena’s hand, allowing herself to be pulled up, “Now there’s an offer I’ll never turn down.”

Helena leaned back and flicked the living room lights off, leaving only a faint glow emanating from the hallway. She pulled out her phone, “Given that neither of our stereos are set up, this will have to do.”

Myka shrugged and tucked her arm around Helena’s waist, “Works for me. So? What’ll it be Swagger?”

Helena grinned, but didn’t say a word, simply typed a few words into her phone, and pressed the appropriate link. She adjusted the volume and set her phone on the couch, sinking into Myka’s hold, hand curled around her shoulder, their heads coming to rest against each other. When the music started, Myka let out a watery chuckle, “So, it seems we’ve determined that Heart is destined to provide the soundtrack to our relationship, huh?”

“I believe so darling. This song has always reminded me of you…I thought it seemed _fitting_ for our current circumstances.”

Myka kissed her temple, whispering, “I couldn’t agree more.” Myka held her closer and began to sway slowly as the music filled the living room, _their_ living room she reminded herself.

_“I’m lying beside you…just thinking ‘bout us…too tired to go to sleep I’m too much in love…I know I’m crazy…but I can’t close my eyes…scared you won’t be there in the morning when I rise…”_

Myka was almost embarrassed when she felt a small tear trickle down her cheek as Helena’s voice started filtering into her ear, soft, a little low, _perfect._

_“Now who do you dream about…are you alone in your sleep…to who will you reach out…oh let it be me…now baby…you’re my obsession, my addiction, my drug…don’t want to be without you when I wake up…oh no…”_

Helena chuckled, “I’m suddenly realizing how dramatic this song is.”

Myka leaned back slightly, kissing her lightly and shrugging, “Eh, who cares? It works.” She grinned and pulled Helena closer, starting to sing with her.

_“Will you be there in the morning? Will you be there when I want you? Will you be there when I wake up? I need you to be there…in the morning.”_

“Don’t tell Claudia that I’ve stolen her role as the Nancy to your Ann. She may never forgive me,” Myka chuckled.

“Your secret is safe with me love.”

Myka’s eyes slid away from Helena’s for a moment, “I have to admit…I listened to this song _a lot_ when we were trying to figure everything out.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “Really?”

Myka allowed herself to meet Helena’s gaze again, opting to sing, rather than answer.

_“Don’t know what to do…about me loving you…but I pray to God…that you feel it too…”_

A tiny, shining smile pulled at Helena’s lips, “Oh Sleepy…that was never, ever a question.”

Myka grinned with a small shrug of her shoulder, “You know me, always worrying about the worst possible outcomes, no matter how insane.”

“My Myka and her particular brand of crazy…”

Myka gave her a teasing smile, “That’s me…now I _believe_ that we were singing…”

“That we were love.”

_“I wanna love you forever…don’t want a love that’s now or never…can’t you see you’ve got me down on the floor…”_

Helena whispered into Myka’s ear, preparing for the key change, “Why don’t you take it from here darling?”

Myka kissed her temple, “I can do that.” She took a small breath, letting her voice catch and slow a little bit from the tempo, not caring that she was mildly behind the beat, instead choosing to let the power of the moment move her voice in the direction it needed to go.

_“Will you be there in the morning…will you be there when I want you…will you be there when I wake up…will you be there in the morning….will you be there…”_

Myka’s voice faded out as Helena held onto her tighter. Myka guided their movements, slowly swaying, before pressing a little bit on Helena’s hip, encouraging her to twirl out, before pulling her back into her arms, letting their lips fall together as the music slowed, quieted, and stilled. 

Eventually, there was nothing but the sounds of the outside world to fuel their dancing, but Myka couldn’t quite bring herself to break the moment. Myka rested her forehead against Helena’s temple, whispering against her skin, “I must say, I think this was the perfect way to break in our new home.”

Helena hummed, “Now there’s a word I quite like…”

Myka grinned against her temple, “What? Home?”

“Indeed love.”

“It already feels like it…like home, even with all the boxes and nothing at all where it needs to be.”

“I know, but I believe it’s because there are two things that _are_ where they need to be.”

Myka gave her a knowing, crooked smile, “Yeah? And what are those?”

“You and I darling.”

“I figured that might be it…” Myka tried, but failed miserably to suppress a yawn.

Helena chuckled, running a hand through Myka’s curls, now that they were free from her ponytail, “Why don’t we go to bed, Sleepy?”

Another yawn overtook Myka, so she simply nodded and sighed out an, “Ok.”

Helena moved to lock the door, “I think I’m exhausted enough to not care that we’re simply sleeping on a mattress tonight.”

“Agreed. We’ll put the bed together tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” Helena linked her fingers with Myka’s as they made their way towards the stairs.

Before they reached the foot of the stairs, Myka pulled back on Helena’s hand, halting their footsteps, “You know what I love?”

Helena gave her a questioning look, “I feel like there’s a somewhat obvious answer to that question, but I doubt that’s what you’re aiming for.”

Myka grinned, “Well yes, I do love _you_ , but what I also love is that you, in fact, _will_ be here in the morning, that from now on our mornings, no matter how crazy, are ours, together.”

Helena leaned in, kissing Myka slowly, “That is certainly something to love…”

Myka grinned, then placed a hand against Helena’s back encouraging her to start moving up the stairs.

When they reached their bedroom, Helena flicked on the light, and couldn’t stop the words that left her mouth, “Bloody hell…”

Myka’s own words cut across Helena’s, “What the hell?”

They both looked at each other, then back into their room, where their new bed was set up and assembled with brand new sheets tucked under their comforter. Myka noticed that there was a note propped up on the pillows. When she picked it up, she looked at Helena, “Our friends are seriously way too much.”

Helena’s mouth still hung ajar, “Which of them did _this_? And _how_ the hell did they do this?”

Myka sat on the bed, beckoning her forward with a crooked finger so that they could read the note together. 

_Mykes and H.G.,_  
So, you guys were a little distracted this afternoon, what with the making sure the movers didn’t destroy any of Mykes’ pianos, and the general running around like mad women which meant that I could sneak up here without you noticing. Anyway, the way I figured, you guys deserved a good first night in your house, and you can’t quite have that without a bed, so I put it together for you (hope you don’t mind—if you do, you can take it down and do it yourselves, I guess). I can’t take credit for the sheets, that’s all Amanda. We’re so happy for you guys, and we hope that you’re first night at home is amazing (Amanda told me no dirty jokes, but I’m sure you can fill in whatever you think I might say).   
We love you guys,  
Pete & Amanda 

Helena’s voice came out slightly awed, “Now that I think about it, I barely saw him this afternoon.”

“He is insane, an insane goofball, whom, I gotta say, I adore right now.”

Helena fell back onto the comforter, reveling in the waft of mint that met her nostrils. They had decided to use Myka’s comforter, mostly because Helena insisted she’d grown too accustomed to how much the green set off Myka’s eyes that she couldn’t bear to use another one. She sighed, “Peter may be my favorite person right now. _Do not_ tell him I said that.”

Myka chuckled, leaning back next to her, “My lips are sealed, Swagger.”

Helena looked over at her with a goofy grin on her face, “We have a bed.”

Myka grinned, “We have a bed, in a _house_.”

“Our bed, in our house.”

“That sentence isn’t going to get old anytime soon, I don’t think.”

Helena smiled and leaned over kissing Myka softly, “Then I’ll repeat it as often as you would like darling.”

**

_The Regents Cafe, early December 2011_

Todd glanced at the clock on the wall, then took one look towards the door before shaking his head with a laugh, and leaning down to pull a bottle of Rolling Rock out from the refrigerator behind the bar. He slid it onto the counter and filled a glass of water to go with it. He looked over to where Helena was waiting on another table, catching her eye and pointing towards the drinks on the bar with a wink. She gave him a soft smile and nod, and returned to her customers. 

Eventually, Helena made her way back towards the bar, smirking at Todd, “Always so prepared.”

He shrugged, “I wasn’t going to be the one who screwed up the last order you took to her. Somehow I feel like that would mess with the entire karma of this place, like it’d all disappear if it was messed up.”

Helena chuckled, “Somehow I doubt that one drink order holds that much power, however, I don’t believe we should test that theory either.”

Todd shook his head, “Man, this is weird…are you sure about this? Like one hundred percent sure?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Am I sure that I would greatly like to increase the amount of time I actually have to spend at home by leaving a job that I don’t truly need anymore? Yes, I’m pretty sure of that.”

Todd gave her a half smile, “I get that….still I’m going to miss you. This place won’t be the same without you.”

“Before you know it, there will be someone else who is as desperate for a job as I was when I moved here, and then you’ll all forget that I was even here.”

“Doubtful. Plus, I have a feeling, even if all of us forget, there’s _one person_ who is never going to forget that you used to be here…every Wednesday night.” Todd’s eyes strayed towards the table where Myka was finally sitting down after getting pulled into a handful of conversations immediately upon walking into the cafe. He chuckled, “She might not let anyone else serve her after you leave.”

Helena grinned, “Also doubtful, however, I would probably not be doing myself any favors if I forgot to serve her this evening, so,” Helena picked up the drinks Todd had set on the bar, “I should probably get these over there.”

“Probably.” Todd hesitated, half turning back towards the taps, before calling out, “Hey…H.G.?”

Helena turned, “Todd?”

He gave a her a small smile, “I just wanted to say…that I’m really glad that things are going so well for you guys…that it’s good enough that you…that you can give your all to it. You guys…you guys deserve it… _all_ of you.”

Helena sat the beer bottle back down on the bar, reaching out to lay her hand against Todd’s, “Thank you, Todd, truly.”

He cleared his throat, “Yeah…no problem…I just wish I could have gotten my fucking head around all of this a few months ago, rather than now…”

Helena gave him a small smile, “Life is far too short to dwell on that kind of regret…trust me.”

He nodded slowly, “Yeah…yeah…I know. Anyway…go give Myka her drinks or she’ll never forgive me for keeping you away.”

Helena gave one last squeeze to his knuckles, before retrieving Myka’s beer and turning her steps towards Myka’s table. She dropped a kiss to the top of Myka’s head, setting her drinks down, “Hello darling.”

“Hey Swagger,” Myka gave her a beaming smile, “How goes the last night?”

Helena smirked, “Odd. I just had quite a nostalgic moment with Todd.”

Myka let out a small laugh, “That’s…unexpected.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “Well, it seems he’s having a bit of remorse about our dear, darling Claudia…he may be trying to compensate by being supportive of me leaving.”

Myka sighed, “That poor boy…”

“He’ll be fine, eventually. Who knows, maybe my replacement will come in and sweep him off of his nerdy, little feet.”

“One can only hope,” Myka chuckled.

Helena glanced down at her watch, “Cutting it a little close tonight aren’t you love? Only a few minutes until the first act.”

Myka leaned her head back, letting out a small groan, “I know…I got caught up with the contractor.”

“Ah, yes. I forgot that you had that meeting this evening. How’d it go?”

“Good. Really good. He said we should be able to have everything ready by the first of the year.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “Really? That seems fast.”

“I know, I was a little surprised too, but he said as long as I can get the equipment ordered, he’ll be able to take care of things on his end. Apparently, I’ve found the one contractor in this city that actually holds to his promised deadlines.”

“An early Christmas miracle.”

“Indeed. So, now I just need to finalize my decisions about what equipment I want and we should be off and rolling.”

“Excellent.” Helena chanced a look around at her other tables with a small sigh, “Though I would much prefer to spend my evening with you, I suppose it wouldn’t be advisable to slack off on my last evening here.”

“Probably not.”

Helena kissed Myka’s head again, “I’ll be around to check on you in a little bit.”

“I’ll be here,” Myka grinned, “desperately trying to focus on the music and my work, and _not_ getting distracted by my gorgeous girlfriend.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Sweet talker.”

“Guilty as charged. Now, go get to work Swagger.”

**

It took a solid half hour after closing to get the last customers out of the Regents, all of them sticking around to say goodbye to Helena, to wish her luck, to say how much they’d appreciated her time there. Eventually, with one last wave over their shoulder, the final group of customers trickled out and Helena was able to collapse onto a bar stool, head immediately slumping against Myka’s shoulder. Myka chuckled and kissed her hair, “I didn’t realize you had developed such a following around here Swagger.”

Helena let out a small groan, “Neither did I.”

Vanessa slid a glass of wine into Helena’s hand, “Never underestimate my clientele. They’re going to miss you.”

“And I shall miss them…though I must say I _won’t_ miss going home smelling like beer and sometimes wearing it.”

“I’d have to second that,” Myka chuckled. 

Vanessa pulled out a towel and began wiping down the bar, only to have Helena reach a hand out to still her movements, “Vanessa, I can do that. I am still on the clock after all.”

Vanessa swatted her hand away, gesturing towards her wine glass, “Drink your wine woman, you’ve done enough. You are officially _off_ the clock. Enjoy just being a customer for a few minutes.”

“Yes ma’am,” Helena grinned, settling back against Myka’s shoulder.

Vanessa and Myka idly chatted about the various acts that had come through that night, commenting that there were a few Myka would like to hear again, that there were a few Vanessa wouldn’t necessarily be inviting back. It all washed over Helena without leaving much of an impact, she heard the words, but didn’t quite process any of them. Her mind was too caught up in a wave of memories, of all the moments she had spent with Myka in this place, of the relationship she had built with Vanessa, even with Todd. She thought about the night they met Liam, the night Myka started driving her home, the night Vanessa had guided her through Myka’s sung confessional, the night she had left Myka devastated, standing out in the cold on the sidewalk, all the little moments and details that had ultimately helped her to feel like Colorado Springs was home. 

Myka must have noticed her distance, her far-off look, because eventually she was nudging her shoulder, whispering, “Where’d you go on us, Swagger?”

Helena gave a soft laugh, “Just giving myself a small nostalgic moment is all.” She looked up to make eye contact with Vanessa, “I never imagined when I took this job, just what it would mean to me.”

Vanessa grinned, “I think it’s safe to say that we all got far more than we were bargaining for when I hired you, H.G.”

Myka let out a small snort against her beer bottle, “Now _that’s_ the truth.”

Helena gave Vanessa a grateful smile, “I wish I could tell you how much I have loved my time here Vanessa. How thankful I am for you, for everything this place has given me.”

“I’m pretty sure I already know, but thank you.”

Myka tried to stifle her yawn, but failed. Helena chuckled, “Apparently, someone has had a long day.”

“Hush,” Myka teased. She stood up slowly, leaning over the bar to give Vanessa a small peck on the cheek, before turning back to Helena, “Well Swagger, can I give you a ride home?”

Helena chuckled, despite the small blush that crept into her cheeks, “Given that my home is _your_ home, I would say it’d be rather rude if you didn’t darling.”

“And here I thought I would never have to hear this argument again,” Vanessa grinned.

Myka shrugged her shoulders, “Have to keep you both on your toes. So, what do you say? It is Wednesday after all…”

Helena grinned, “Which means _you_ are driving me home.”

“I suppose I am,” Myka leaned over and kissed her forehead. Myka’s eyes met Helena’s as she gave her a small, almost pleading look. Myka pressed a hand to Helena’s shoulder, glancing at Vanessa, “I’m going to go warm up the car, and give you two a minute.”

Helena whispered a quick, “Thank you love,” to Myka as she left, and Myka simply nodded with a small smile. 

When she heard the door close behind Myka, Helena let out a small sigh, “Vanessa…I do hope you know, how much I appreciate everything that you have done for me. If it wouldn’t have been for you, for this place, well, I’m not sure I ever would have felt fully settled here, and I certainly don’t think I’d be quite where I am with Myka. You have been so supportive and wonderful and understanding, and I hope you know that I’m going to miss being here more than I could possibly say.”

Vanessa reached over and laid a hand over Helena’s, small tears building up in her eyes, “If you had any idea how much I have loved having you here…well, we’d be here all night if I tried to explain it to you. For as much as you feel like you have to thank me, I feel like I owe _you_ a word of thanks, Helena. For being here, for being so gracious and thoughtful, and well…for everything you’ve been for Myka, everything _you are_ for her. I love that girl like she’s my own, and being able to see her as happy as she has been over the last year or so…I have no words for how grateful I am to you for bringing that happiness to her.”

Helena chuckled, “Who knew that a few rides home and consistent customer service could make you fall in love?”

Vanessa shook her head with a laugh, “I think it was a little bit more than that.”

“But it was a start,” Helena smiled.

“That it was.” Vanessa came out from behind the bar, meeting Helena as she stood, wrapping her in a tight hug, “You know you always have a place here. You’re right this is your home, and I hope you know that in this place, you are always family, no matter what.”

Helena held Vanessa tightly, eyes blurring, “Thank you...for everything.”

Vanessa pulled away and placed a light palm to Helena’s cheek, “You are very welcome my dear girl.” She dropped her hand and wiped at her eyes with a small chuckle, “Now, we probably shouldn’t keep her waiting, or she’ll come in and accuse me of hogging your attention.”

Helena laughed, “She can be rather persistent.”

“That’s as good a word as any I can think of. Get home safe, Helena, we’ll see you soon.”

Helena nodded, turning with her hand on the doorknob, giving one last, longing look at the café, with its twinkle lights and its stage, and the tables she had so lovingly kept. She let out a small sigh, before turning the knob and letting her eyes fall to where Myka’s car was parked out front, waiting to take her home.

**

_¬Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, mid-December 2011_

Helena couldn’t stop her eyes from checking the clock when she heard Myka’s car door slam from the driveway. She let out a small sigh, one that she tried to bite back, one that she was happy Myka wasn’t in the door to hear. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was no longer working at the Regents, or if it was because they were living together and so she noticed it more, or if it was simply that this was what _life_ was like now with Myka’s producing, but she was starting to feel a tinge of worry, of unknowable anxiety, that for another night this week, Myka was getting home far later than usual. When she heard Myka’s keys in the door, she swallowed down the fingers of worry that were pulling at her muscles, and simply tried to be happy that Myka was finally home. 

Immediately upon getting in the door, Myka let her bag slip from her fingers, letting it fall with a small thud to the floor, and allowed herself to slump against the door, eyes closed, deep breaths racing into her lungs. She let her head fall back against the door with a sigh, “I have been waiting for this exact moment _all day_.”

Helena let out a small chuckle as she slipped off the couch, moving to stand in front of Myka, fingers slowly reaching out to grip around her waist, “You’ve been waiting to act as reinforcement to our front door?”

Myka groaned and tilted her head back down, eyes finally opening to Helena’s which were sparkling with teasing amusement. She rolled her eyes playfully, “Yes, exactly. I have _missed our front door_.” Myka reached up to card her fingers through Helena’s hair, letting them come to rest lightly against the back of her neck. She pulled her in slowly, leaning down to kiss already parted lips. It took more than several minutes for Myka to pull back, and only then out of a desperate need for air. She sucked in a deep breath and leaned her forehead against Helena’s, “Clearly, I have missed our front door a great deal.”

“ _Clearly_ ,” Helena smirked. She tucked her hand into Myka’s pulling her towards the couch. She wanted nothing more than to ignore the words that were tripping on her tongue, but she knew if she did, she’d regret it, more than she’d regret saying them, “In spite of it evoking longing for our front door, things must be going well with the recording…this is the third night this week that you guys have stayed late. Usually, that’s a good thing.”

Myka sank onto the couch with a grimace. She knew Helena was trying to hide her annoyance by couching it in questions and supportiveness, but Myka could _feel_ it exuding off of her, no matter how hard Helena tried to keep it under wraps, and the truth was, Myka felt that way too. She had forgotten this side of things, the way when things clicked you could get caught up and just want to keep going, and while part of her loved that Philip and Sally’s album was coming together so well, the other part of her, the part looking at Helena now, hoped she wouldn’t wind up regretting the decision to start producing. She toyed with Helena’s fingers where they were resting against her knee, fingers tracing over the familiar bumps and ridges, trying to let the normalcy of the act help her find the right words to say. She sighed and reclined her head against the back of the couch, meeting Helena’s eyes in a sideways glance, “I’m sorry…I knew when I signed on for this that it would be hard, but I think I figured since I kind of knew the routine of recording that I’d be able to manage it. This week…I have horribly failed at that, and I know you’re upset…”

“Myka, I’m not upset…” Helena cut across her.

Myka shot her an incredulous look, “Lying is _wildly_ unbecoming on you Swagger.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I’m serious Myka. It’s not that I’m _upset_ , that this is something I’m mad at you about.” Helena glanced over at Myka, at her arched eyebrows and lips quirked in a questioning smirk told Helena everything she needed to know. She sighed, “ _Don’t_ look at me like that. I’m not mad at you… _however_ …I _would_ be lying if I said that this hasn’t been hard, the late nights, the uncertainty of schedule.”

Myka linked their fingers together with a light squeeze, “And that’s on me, and _that’s_ why I’m sorry. I’m doing a spectacularly shitty job at establishing boundaries with all of this. I think…I think I’m so worried that I’m going to fail at it, that if I do something that they might not like…like cutting a session off, that this will all come to a screeching halt…and...well...frustration and madness aside, I love what I’m doing, and I don’t want to lose that. _However_ , I also hate knowing that it’s cutting into our time together.”

Helena reached out her free hand and moved it through Myka’s curls, “You aren’t going to fail at this love. I can promise you that. I’ve heard some of the things you’ve recorded…it is nowhere _close_ to failure.” She sighed, tracing her fingers along Myka’s hairline, watching Myka’s eyes close at the contact, “I think we’re just in a bit of a transition period at the moment, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not handling it particularly well. With the album finished and quitting the Regents, I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands, and I don’t quite know what to do with it, but it’s irrational of me to think that your life can follow that same flow. I think my mind just keeps racing ahead to the first of the year, when this oh so lovely appearances schedule Kelly has set up for us kicks in, and this little _domestic_ period we’ve been in completely disappears. Then once that happens, I wind up feeling guilty because I can’t expect us to adjust to _my_ schedule, while simultaneously being frustrated with yours.”

Myka let out a small puff of laughter, “Do you think there will ever come a day when we simply admit that our lives are completely chaotic and we should just go with it rather than trying to wrangle it into submission?”

Helena grinned, “Somehow, I highly doubt it. We both are a bit too stubborn for that amount of logic darling.”

Myka pulled their entwined hands up to her lips and kissed the back of Helena’s hand, “Logic be damned, I suppose. I am sorry though…about all the late nights. I know it isn’t easy.”

Helena leaned forward, placing a kiss against Myka’s jaw, “It’s alright love. I, of all people, know what life in the studio is like, therefore _I_ am sorry that sometimes, on occasion, I am going to have these moments of frustration, even after my own life put us through this very thing this summer.”

Myka groaned, “God, life would be so much simpler if we were both accountants or something. Just imagine it…normal people hours…weekends off…whatever would we do with ourselves?”

Helena smirked, “We’d probably go insane. This life that we’re living darling, crazy though it may be, is the life we both want, it’s what we’re meant to be doing. I’m not quite sure I could fathom us any other way.”

“Well then here’s to the crazy and the not normal I guess,” Myka allowed herself to give a small hint of a grin.

Helena traced a finger down the ridge of Myka’s nose in a vain attempt to smooth the worry lines that were still bunched on her forehead, “You’re still fretting. If you don’t think I’ve known you long enough to see that, then you are _officially_ bonkers.”

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “I know I am, and I know you can tell. I just…I just wish this was easier.”

“I do too love, however, wishing for the impossible is, in my experience, a rather futile pastime.”

“Well, I am nothing if not persistent, so futile though it may be, I can’t say I’m going to stop trying.”

Helena smirked, “I would expect nothing less from you.” She leaned over and left a soft kiss against Myka’s lips, “I love you desperately for that, _and_ I would also love to spend the rest of what remains of the evening actually hearing about your day, rather than trying to wrangle our chaos.”

Myka smiled softly, leaning further towards Helena, letting herself be enfolded in Helena’s arms, “Ok, I lied earlier. _This_ is the exact moment I’ve been waiting for all day.” 

Helena’s fingers came up to push through Myka’s hair slowly, moving back and forth, “On that I would whole-heartedly agree. Now, details of your long day darling, let me hear them.”

Myka couldn’t help the smile that stole over her face, “Long hours aside… _chaos_ aside…today was really, really good. Something is clicking. I don’t really know what it is, if it’s that I’m understanding them better, if they’re hitting some sort of stride, or if they’re just churning out really good music, but whatever it is it’s working.”

“How did they take your suggestion about reworking ‘I Will Fall?’”

“Amazingly? They went with it, completely. That’s pretty much all we worked on today, just stripping it down, rewriting some of the piano lines. It sounds completely different now, but it also finally sounds how it was _meant_ to sound.”

Helena smirked, placing a small peck against the top of Myka’s ear, “And here you were worried they’d ignore you.”

Myka held up a solitary finger as a point of correction, “I was worried that _Sally_ would ignore me. It’s her song after all, and well…we all know how well she takes recommendations.”

“And yet…it sounds like she did.”

“She fought me a bit on it initially, because, well, Jesus how could she not at this point? Why on earth make it easy, right? But once we started writing, she seemed to sink into it. Ultimately, most of the music we wrote ended up being her, so I think she was just pushing back for the sake of pushing back.”

Helena rolled her eyes with a soft chuckle, “You are a saint of a woman for putting up with her.”

“Trust me…Philip is the bigger saint. I don’t know though…I mean yes, she is a total pain in the ass, but she’s talented as hell. I think she has just never had someone call her on some of her crap, and frankly, I’m not going to deal with that in the studio. It’s a waste of goddamn time, and I think she’s starting to see that, so hopefully we’re making progress.”

“Personally? I think that woman _enjoys_ torturing you, but that might just be my rather biased opinion.”

Myka tiled her head back and kissed the bottom of Helena’s jaw with a smirk, “Is this the part where you reiterate your desire to make it _quite clear_ to her that she has no shot with me?”

Helena chuckled, squeezing Myka tightly, “Possibly. I just have a hard time reading her is all. Most of the time I can’t tell if that’s just how she is, or if she is flirting with you…and, well, _everyone_.”

Myka turned fully in Helena’s hold, hand coming up to cup against her cheek, “She can flirt with me, or anyone else for that matter, until the world comes to an end…I have all I could ever possibly want, right here.” Myka watched as a small tinge of worry pulled Helena’s eyes away from her. She tilted her a palm a bit, to urge Helena to look back at her, “Hey…Swagger…look at me.” Helena’s eyes turned back immediately to her. Myka gave her a crooked smile, “I’m serious. You have absolutely _nothing_ to worry about. Most of the time, I think that _is_ just how she is, and the rest of the time I think she’s trying to distract from the fact that she actually wishes she was with Philip. It’s a ploy, a very annoying ploy. This, right here?” She pressed a kiss to Helena’s lips, “I could stay right here for the rest of time, and not even question whether that’s a smart decision.”

Helena grinned, running light fingertips down Myka’s arms, “Have I ever mentioned that you’re quite cute when you get all serious and determined?”

Myka smirked, “You’ve mentioned it a time or two…”

“Well, it bears repeating.”

“Repeat away Swagger, just tell me that you know you have _zero_ reason to worry or be jealous or anything remotely resembling that?”

Helena smiled, fully, warmly, “I do love. I promise.”

**

“Oh bloody hell…”

Myka looked up from her computer, eyes following the flustered, frustrated look that had suddenly descended upon Helena’s features. She tucked her toes underneath Helena’s where their feet met in the middle of the couch, “Uh, everything alright there Swagger?”

Helena pushed her hair back from her forehead, brow furrowing, eyes never leaving her computer screen, “Oh yes everything is positively _lovely_ darling. If you consider it lovely to have completely obnoxious siblings.”

Myka smirked, glad that Helena was too focused on her computer screen to see her roll her eyes, “And how is Charles?”

“ _Maddening_.” Helena’s fingers beat out a quick, staccato rhythm against her computer keys, “I swear to God, Tracy is a bloody _cake walk_ compared to my brother.”

Myka tried to swallow down her laughter, but was only half-successful, even though Helena didn’t seem to notice it at all, “I’ll be sure to tell her that. Though she would probably see it as a challenge to simply be _more_ infuriating than she already is.”

“Let her try. Charles will remain forever the most unbelievable of siblings.”

Myka arched an eyebrow incredulously, but decided it was better to return her attention to her own computer, rather than debating the merits of their siblings’ insanity with Helena. She asked, almost casually, “So, do I even want to know what Charles has done?”

Helena let out a strangled sigh, “Why don’t you see for yourself?” She turned her laptop around so that Myka could see the screen.

Myka leaned forward, scanning over the email Helena was showing her. Her eyes widened, trailing up to look at Helena, before looking back down at the email, “Is that _flight information_?”

Helena returned her computer to her lap, “Yes. Because apparently, my brother thinks it’s _fun_ to simply send me an email letting me know he’s coming to visit, rather than, oh I don’t know, _asking_ if it would be a good time to come. For today only love, you might have lost the title of most insufferable person in my life.”

“I shall seek to enjoy my freedom while it lasts,” Myka smirked, kicking lightly at Helena’s shin.

“And suddenly you’re back in the running darling,” Helena winked.

Myka sat her laptop on the coffee table, moving forward to sit up against Helena’s knees, “So, your brother is coming to visit…”

Helena looked up at her with an arched eyebrow, “It would seem so. My brother, his wife, and the children.”

“When?”

Helena glanced back down at her computer, “The 26th. Happy Christmas indeed.”

Myka poked at Helena’s knees, “Oh come on. It will be fun.” Myka chuckled at the spectacular eye roll Helena gave her, “I’m serious. I’ve never met your family, I’ve only talked to them for mere minutes when you Skype with them. It’ll be nice to have them here. _And_ you cannot deny that you miss Anna and Philip.”

A softness descended over Helena’s face, “Ok, well that _is_ certainly true. Still…it would have been nice to have had a bit more forewarning. They’re coming in two weeks.”

“We’ll make it work.” Myka bit down on her lip, glancing up at Helena, “I have to admit I’m kind of excited. _Finally_ , after all the time you have spent with my family and their insanity, I get to meet the infamous family of Wells.”

Helena laughed softly, “Family of Wells? Oh darling you are so strange. Well, I’m glad _you’re_ excited. I feel as though I could pass out.”

Myka wrapped her hands around Helena’s calves, “Why are you so nervous? I mean I know it’s unexpected and a little out of the blue, but come on. He’s your brother…whom I happen to know you love unabashedly.”

“Our love works best when there is an entire ocean between us darling.” Helena glanced down at her hands, her fingers twisting over and against each other. She sighed, “I don’t know honestly. I mean, yes, I am glad that I will get to see all of them…but…well…they are _a lot_. Actually, _Charles_ is a lot. Shelby and the kids are a dream. Then there is the fact that the last time Charles came to visit me, it was in New York and quickly after that trip my entire life wound up in shambles, so it’s not exactly something I’d like to revisit.”

Myka squeezed Helena’s legs, “That won’t happen Swagger, since I’m pretty sure at this point, anything Charles would accidentally let slip about your life, I probably already know.”

Helena paused, considering, “That’s probably true.”

“See? It’ll be fine. Great, even. Plus, I’m sorry, but one brother is nothing compared to my mother, Tracy, and my father. I’m pretty sure I can handle one sibling. If anything I’m kind of glad that I get to even up the family score on that front. You have gotten _way too much_ of a dose of Bering crazy over the last year, while your family has remained happily across the pond. It’s only fair that I get a glimpse of your crazy.”

Helena sighed, “I’m sure Charles will be more than happy to oblige you on that request darling.”

Myka smirked, “The Wells family takes Colorado Springs. This should be an interesting Christmas.”

Helena sighed, passing a hand over her eyes, “I believe if I start buying wine now I may have enough to survive.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You can buy all the wine you want, but first, this house needs a tree.”

**

Helena glanced over to where Myka was straining on her tip toes to place an ornament on one of the higher branches of their tree. She rolled her eyes, fingers continuing to manipulate their way across the ribbon she was looping through one of the ornaments to create a makeshift hook, “Darling, you are going to pull a muscle.”

Myka let out a small, tight huff of a breath, inching further upward, just barely slipping the ornament onto the branch, “Got it!” She slumped back down, slightly out of breath. She looked over to the couch where Helena was determinedly not meeting her eye, simply shaking her head, shoulders heaving with small laughter. Myka sighed, “Oh come on, my damn height has to be good for _some_ things. This just happens to be one of them.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure we would have both been extolling the virtues of your _height_ when you brought the tree crashing down around us both.”

Myka picked up a tiny ornament, a ball made up of various colored yarns twisted and turned together, and threw it lightly at Helena’s forehead, “It is distinctly _un-Christmasy_ to mock your girlfriend.”

Helena’s brow crinkled as the ball hit her forehead. Picking it up, she rolled her eyes and threw it back towards Myka with a bit more force, “One would say it is also distinctly _un-Christmasy_ if one of us ends up in the hospital all because our tree fell on us.”

Myka slipped over to the couch, carefully removing the pile of ornaments from Helena’s lap, and setting herself in their place, arms sliding around her neck, “And here I thought that my long legs were one of the things you loved about me…”

Helena smirked, thumb coming to rest against Myka’s hip, rubbing small circles against her skin, “Believe me, they are love, _however_ , I would prefer if they didn’t bring our Christmas to a quite literal crashing halt.”

“What’s Christmas without a little chaos?”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “Our lives are quite hectic enough I should say, without _adding_ to it unnecessarily.”

Myka tilted her head in consideration, then shrugged with a small smirk, “I suppose you’re right.”

Helena tapped her thumb against Myka’s hip, “If you reach over for my purse, maybe I can give you something to assuage your clear disappointment in my desire to keep you completely in tact darling.”

Myka crinkled her forehead, “Ooook.”

“Oh hush, leave me to my secrets and grab my purse.” 

Myka flashed Helena a crooked smile, before reaching across to the other end of the couch to retrieve Helena’s purse. She let it fall against Helena’s chest with a small thud, “Your purse as requested.”

“Oof.” Helena rolled her eyes. “Determined to have one of us break a bone, I swear,” Helena mumbled. She eyed Myka carefully, “You’re making me greatly reconsider giving you this, just so you know. Insufferable girlfriends are _rarely_ rewarded.”

“Ah, but you knew I was insufferable before you started dating me, therefore one would say I’ve already gotten the ultimate reward by you agreeing to be with me.”

Helena once again rolled her eyes, despite the fact that a soft smile had immediately stolen across her face, “Oh you are good Myka Bering…”

“Don’t I know it,” Myka winked.

“Well, I suppose I should give you your present, since you so clearly deserve it.”

Myka’s eyes widened, “Present? No presents until Christmas!” She slapped a hand against Helena’s thigh.

“This one requires opening this evening love.” Helena pulled a small package out of her purse and handed it to Myka, “If you waited to open it until Christmas it would somewhat defeat the purpose of it.”

Myka peeled off the paper and pried open the box, pulling out a hand-painted Christmas ornament in the shape of a piano. She grinned over at Helena, “You are…distinctly _not_ insufferable.”

Helena grinned, “Well, one of us has to be.”

Myka leaned further against Helena’s chest, brushing a soft kiss against her lips, “I’m guessing you would prefer it if I put this somewhere on the tree that wouldn’t threaten possible limb breaking.”

Helena smiled against Myka’s lips, “That _would_ be preferable darling.”

Myka kissed her again, “Thank you…”

“You’re quite welcome love.”

**

Helena let out a deep, contended sigh as she leaned back against Myka’s chest, “I must say, this has been infinitely preferable to how we spent Christmas last year.”

Myka laid a kiss against her temple with a small hum, “Christmas isn’t really Christmas when it’s over Skype.”

Helena took a slow sip of her hot cider, letting the spices and the warmth wash over her. She settled deeper into Myka’s arms, the dark of the living room, illuminated by nothing but the tree and the fire made her feel as though she and Myka had descended into a time and space all their own. She tangled her fingers with Myka’s, her ear catching the light, lilting music that Myka had put on when they got home, “What exactly are we listening to, love?”

“This just happens to be my own personal Christmas mix. Well… _one_ of them. This is the instrumental version.”

“Who knew you had a sentimental side for classical music?”

Myka let out a soft chuckle, “I do, believe it or not, still have some secrets up my sleeve.”

“Of that I have no doubt darling.”

“Glad I can keep you on your toes.” Myka sat her glass down on the coffee table, leaning down to reach underneath the couch, “Hopefully, I can manage to do that at least one more time tonight.”

Helena turned slightly to glance over to where Myka was bending down, “What on earth are you doing?”

Myka sat back up, repositioning Helena back against her, “Like I said, keeping you on your toes.” She looped an arm around Helena’s waist, and placed a small box against Helena’s stomach.

Helena turned her head, brows furrowed, “Myka…we did our presents this morning.”

Myka bit down on her bottom lip in a vain attempt to keep a smirk at bay, “I know we did, but…but I kind of wanted to save this one for tonight.”

“Keeping me on my toes indeed,” Helena arched an eyebrow at her.

“Just open it Swagger.”

Helena sat up, swiveling around so that she could face Myka while she opened her gift, which took more effort than she anticipated due to her suddenly trembling fingers. She pulled the rectangular box out of its wrapping, and gave Myka a careful look before cracking the lid open. Her breath left her in a small rush, “Darling…” She extracted the thin silver chain from the box, letting the charm attached to it dangle into her palm, “Myka, it’s beautiful.”

Myka felt a small blush chase into her cheeks, “Open it.”

Helena gave her a questioning look, “What?”

“It’s a locket. Open it.”

Helena’s fingers felt around the edge of the charm, which was molded and etched into the shape of a record, until she found the clasp. When she opened it, the tears that were merely threatening to fall before, started to track down her cheeks, “Oh…love.” Helena traced a light finger around the edge of the picture of them that was pasted inside the right side of the locket. Myka had shrunk down the picture they had taken when they had gone skating last winter, and despite its size Helena could still make out every minute detail of the picture that was, in fact, one of her favorites. 

Myka rubbed a hand against the back of her neck, “The picture was easy to decide on. I knew how much you loved that one…the other side though…well that took awhile to make a decision about.”

Helena tilted the locket so that it could catch the proper amount of light for her to read the words that were engraved inside, curled around each other in grooves mimicking the texture of a record. She turned shining eyes to Myka, “I think you chose perfectly darling.”

Myka gave her a bright, albeit crooked, still shy, smile, “I…I wanted something that told you, that _showed_ you what a difference your love has made in my life, how much happiness and light you have brought me, how much you have completely changed everything. I also wanted something that would give you hope anytime you looked at it…especially when things get chaotic and crazy. I wanted you to know that no matter where you are, or where I am, or what’s going on, our lives are still moving together, towards that crazy future we keep building. _And_ …I figured with the tour coming up, that it might also be nice to have a little piece of us with you no matter where you go.”

Helena surged forward, pushing lips that were wet with tears against Myka’s, one hand coming up to curl and twist around her curls, while the other kept a light grip against her necklace. She pulled away only enough to whisper, “I love you.”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep her own tears at bay, “I love you too Swagger.”

Helena looked back down at the locket, at the words Myka had chosen. She traced her finger around them slowly, _“For all the joy that is to come…”_ It was one of the lyrics they had written together for “Hate to See Your Heart Break,” one that Myka claimed she never would have been able to think about writing until Helena had come into her life. Helena let her gaze linger a few moments longer on the inside of the locket before closing it carefully and holding it out to Myka, “Put it on for me?”

Myka grinned bashfully as Helena turned around and lifted her hair away from her neck, allowing Myka to fasten the clasp securely, leaving a kiss at the base of Helena’s neck when she was finished. Helena turned back around, fingers immediately reaching up to skate over the locket’s new found place right below the dip of her throat, “Thank you Myka…”

“You’re welcome. Merry Christmas Swagger.”

Helena leaned forward for another softer, distinctly _slower_ kiss, “Merry Christmas my love.”

Myka hesitantly pulled away from Helena’s seeking lips and beginning to wander hands, “We should go to bed…your brother…”

Helena rolled her eyes playfully, “Will not be here for another eighteen hours, _and_ it is distinctly possible that I will handle his presence better if I am simply incoherent from exhaustion.”

“So what you’re saying is that _the one time_ I think we need to actually get some sleep, you’re totally advocating for us getting none?”

Helena moved her lips against Myka’s jaw, whispering along her skin, “ _That_ is exactly what I’m saying darling.”

Myka let her fingers fall and grasp around Helena’s hips, letting out a shaky breath at the movement of Helena’s lips, “Ok…I just…I just wanted to make sure I was clear on that.”

“Crystal clear love.”

“Well, who am I to argue with your incredible logic?”

Helena placed another kiss against Myka’s ear, “Exactly darling…so I would say less arguing and more concentrating.”

Myka chuckled, letting her fingers trace down the backs of Helena’s thighs, “You do always enjoy my _concentrating_.”

Helena let out a small, playful groan, resting her head against Myka’s forehead, “That I do…”

“This is where you ask me to stop talking isn’t it?” Myka grinned.

Helena tilted her head down to kiss her again, “Yes…yes it is.”

Myka gave a soft chuckle, lilting her voice in a near perfection imitation of Helena, “Righty-ho then…” Before Helena could pull away from her in some kind of response to her teasing, Myka curled a hand around Helena’s neck, pulling her closer, whispering against her lips, “I swear, _now_ I’m done talking. Now, I shall be _all about_ the concentrating.” She placed a kiss just under the edge of Helena’s bottom lip, “I promise.” She felt, more than heard Helena’s laughter, as it vibrated through her throat, as she tilted her head down to kiss along her neck, thoroughly putting an end to any thought of more talking for the foreseeable future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the break here is a little strange...but I was having trouble finding the right break. The next chapter will pick up with the Wells' family descending on Colorado Springs.


	19. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wells family finally descends upon Colorado Springs, bringing with them a fair amount of sibling bickering and a couple of much needed conversations. Somewhere along the way, the new year dawns, the band finds themselves in the position of having their lives move far faster than they ever anticipated, Pete and Amanda finally put a ring on it, and the week before the tour descends with its own particular brand of chaos.
> 
> Oh, and because it is so important, Ethan turns five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the continuation of 18, a bit later than I originally intended.
> 
> This chapter decided to throw me for a loop because of complicated details. So here's what we're going to do, we're going to pretend that the entire Grammy process is not asinine and riddled with deadlines that make no sense whatsoever, and we're going to pretend that the band's album came out perfectly within those non-existent stupid deadlines. Ok? Ok.
> 
> Song for this chapter is a little bit of a detour from our usual suspects, but sometimes the Bering/Wells household is in need of a little Meatloaf.

Myka glanced over to where Helena was determinedly staring out the car window trying to sort through the throng of people spilling out of the baggage claim of the Denver airport. She watched as she craned her neck in various positions of apparent discomfort all in an effort to catch the earliest possible peek of her family. She watched as once again, Helena lifted herself halfway out of her seat in order to see over peoples’ heads, before sinking back down in defeat with a groan.

Myka fought to suppress a small chuckle, “You know, you could actually _get out_ of the car in order to look for them.”

Helena waved a dismissive hand at her, eyes never leaving the window, “I am not standing out in the freezing cold to await my brother, especially when I told him exactly what kind of car to look for.”

“Yet you continue to potentially pull a muscle all in an effort to try and see them…”

Helena turned to her with an incredulous look that immediately softened into something that Myka couldn’t quite pinpoint, it hovered too sharply between the line of fear and anticipation. Helena let out a soft sigh, “I just don’t want to miss them.”

Myka reached out and squeezed gently against Helena’s knee, “We won’t. Like you said, they know what car to look for, plus it hasn’t been that long since they’ve landed. We’ll get them.” Helena gave her a small hint of a smile, causing Myka to grip her knee a little harder, “I really can’t tell whether you’re trying to hide your excitement in order to maintain this alleged frustration with your brother for the last minute travelling, or if you really are totally freaked out by what’s about to happen.” Myka tried to keep her own fear out of her voice. Deep down, she understood, _intimately_ , the special kind of fear that came with the crossing of lines between familial relationships. She kept reminding herself that she had almost walked right back out of the bookstore and hauled Helena back to the car when she was on the brink of meeting her mother, but she couldn’t help the small twinge of worry that kept pulling at her nerves at the full extent of Helena’s anxiety about Myka finally meeting her family. 

Helena threaded her fingers with Myka’s, giving them a light squeeze, “It’s a little bit of both I think, though...” She stole another glance towards the sidewalk, before turning back to Myka with a freer smile, “If I’m being perfectly honest…once I got past the initial shock…I am quite excited to see them. For _you_ , to meet them. _However_ , that doesn’t keep me from being nervous.”

Myka leaned across the center console, stealing a quick peck of a kiss, “If I must, I will keep reminding you that within five minutes of meeting Tracy, you were _both_ teasing me mercilessly with all initial awkwardness gone.”

“And I will keep reminding you that my brother _is not_ you sister,” Helena smirked.

“Thank God, because seriously, one Tracy in my life is plenty.” Myka flashed Helena a crooked smile, squeezing her fingers once again, “If it helps, I’m really excited to meet them. _Plus_ , I have kind of, sort of, already met them. Skype is a beautiful thing remember.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Yes, well, my brother in person is a whole other situation. A computer screen and an ocean tend to do wonders for tamping down his personality.”

“Well, lucky for us, _I_ happen to have a _marvelous_ personality, so I’m sure we can handle it.”

Helena groaned sarcastically, “ _Lord_ , I never considered that I might need to be nervous about Charles meeting _you_.”

Myka chuckled, “Too late for extra nerves now Swagger.” Myka pointed out the window, towards the small group of four that she immediately recognized as Helena’s family, “I believe the British have arrived…”

Helena closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Last time someone said that, there were lanterns involved to supply fair warning darling.”

Myka smirked, “Sorry, no Paul Revere around to help you out on that front anymore.” She tapped against Helena’s thigh, “Come on Swagger, let’s go see if the Wells’ charm is a family trait.”

The last thing Myka heard as she opened up the car door was Helena letting out a small whisper of, “ _Oh God_ …”

**

“Well, I must say Myka, it gives me a great deal of comfort to know that you are in fact a real person, and not some illusion that on occasion pops up on my computer screen,” Charles gave her a quick wink from where he was leaning against the fireplace.

“ _Charles_...” Helena’s tone was an immediate warning to her brother that he was already dangerously close to treading over lines that need not be crossed.

Charles let out a playful scoff, “Oh _come on_ Hel. You’ve been together for a year and this is the first time I’ve met her. As your big brother, it is completely within my rights to point out the absurdity of that.”

“And it is _my_ job to point out that that is one of the _wonders_ of having an entire ocean between us. That ocean helps keep your commentary to a dull roar.”

Myka came over to where they both stood and looped an arm around Helena’s waist, placing a light kiss to her cheek, “Well, for as glad as you are that I’m, in fact, real. I’m just glad I get to see evidence that there might in fact be one person in Helena’s life that is able to frustrate her more than I can.” Myka shot Charles a quick flash of a smile, before turning a more serious look towards Helena, whose forehead continued to be in a permanent state of worry and frustration. She leaned in and placed a kiss against Helena’s ear, whispering, “You’d prefer it if I didn’t encourage him wouldn’t you?”

Helena couldn’t stop the small chuckle that left her mouth, “Somehow I doubt that even if I did prefer it, it wouldn’t stop you.”

“Has it ever stopped you and Tracy?”

Helena let her head fall back with a groan, causing Myka to laugh and pull her tighter, “Now you know how I felt every minute the first few times you and Tracy were together.”

Charles reached over and plucked at Helena’s elbow, “Shall I confess before everyone how much I have missed you? Will that get me out of the dog house for embarrassing you in front of _the girl_?”

“Nothing will get you out of the dog house, Charles. It is your perpetual home.”

“ _The girl_?” Myka arched an eyebrow at both of them.

Charles chuckled, “I might have driven her mildly crazy last Christmas by refusing to refer to you as anything but that until she told me all about you.”

Myka squeezed Helena’s hip, “You let all my secrets out didn’t you?”

“Oh yes, darling, every single one.” 

“It took me _hours_ and more than a few glasses of whiskey to get her talking…once she did though…” Charles winked, letting that finish his sentence for him.

Myka smirked, “As I figured, all my secrets, gone forever.”

Helena sighed, “I believe I am going to regret ever letting you two meet…”

Charles let out a large, booming laugh, “As though you had a choice in the matter!” 

“Charles, I would much prefer to not get kicked out into the cold this evening to find a hotel, so for the love of God _stop_ pestering your sister,” Shelby’s voice rang out from the couch where she was cuddled up with Anna in an attempt to get her to entertain the thought of sleep.

“Listen to your wife, Charles,” Helena teased.

“One of the few rules I actually live by.” Charles suddenly pulled out his phone from his pocket, a look of excitement on his face, “Shall I change the subject? Stop embarrassing you and start talking to you about something you actually _want_ to hear about? _Maybe_ tell you that I have pictures of Dad’s attempts at engineering?”

Helena’s eyes went wide and her entire demeanor changed, “Oh my God, they started remodeling the house didn’t they?”

Charles laughed loudly, “Yes, they did. And yes, I have photos to prove that you should have been consulted.”

Helena immediately stole to Charles’ side and Myka watched as they fell into a back and forth so animated and vigorous she couldn’t keep track of it. She moved towards the couch, sinking down on the opposite end from Shelby and Anna.

Shelby glanced towards the fireplace, then back towards Myka, “Welcome to life with the Wells’. One minute, you’d think they can’t stand each other, the next you don’t know how they live as far apart as they do.”

Myka grinned, “Don’t tell Helena, but I find it kind of entertaining.”

“Don’t tell Charles, but I do too,” Shelby smiled softly. “I try my best to keep him as reigned in as possible. He can be a bit… _effusive_.”

“I tend to refer to that as Helena’s charm.”

“Oh God, if I told Charles he was charming, I’d never hear the end of it,” Shelby chuckled.

Myka glanced over at Helena who suddenly looked happier than Myka quite knew how to process, “She’s missed him. She won’t admit it, but she has. She’s missed all of you.”

Shelby ran a hand through Anna’s hair, where she was finally drifting off to sleep, “That is a quite mutual feeling. It’s been hard…not having her home. Though, I understand her reasoning, and she’s happy which is all that matters. The kids however…all they understand is that Aunt Helena lives in a whole other country, and that they miss her.”

Myka let out a soft sigh, “I can’t even imagine. I know it’s hard on her though…not being there.”

“Unfortunately though, being there is equally hard for her, so we have found a balance, and it works.” Shelby pointed a finger towards the fireplace, “Plus, if those two lived in the same country again, there might not be an England to occupy anymore…”

Myka grinned, “Well, I must say, sibling relations aside, _I_ am really glad you all came to visit. I feel bad sometimes, that my whole family is here, and hers isn’t. I’ve been really anxious to meet all of you, so regardless of her frustration with Charles’ tactics, I’m kind of happy he out-maneuvered her.”

Shelby smiled softly, “I will echo that sentiment quite deeply. Though Charles said it in a rather backwards way, I agree that it is nice to meet you through means other than a computer screen.”

Anna stirred in Shelby’s arms, “Mummy…I’m sleepy…”

Shelby chuckled, whispering to Myka, “Something I have known for hours, though she refused to admit it.” She leaned down and placed a kiss to Anna’s temple, “I know you are baby girl. How about we get you upstairs and put to bed.”

Anna rubbed her eyes, letting out a soft, “Ok.”

Shelby stood up, keeping her tightly enfolded in her arms, “I might retire with her. The jet lag may finally be hitting me. We’ll talk more in the morning?”

Myka grinned, “Absolutely. If there’s anything you realize you need that isn’t in the guest room just let us know.”

“I will. Thank you Myka.” She gave her a soft smile before turning to Charles, “Darling, your daughter is off to bed, as is your wife.”

Charles immediately set his glass on the mantle, “Do you need help? I can come up.”

Shelby waved a dismissive hand, “Stay down here. _Bond_ with your sister. I can manage our little critters for the rest of the evening.” She walked over and placed a kiss to his cheek, “ _Do not_ drive her too crazy.”

“Oh but where is the fun in that?” Charles winked.

Shelby moved and kissed Helena’s cheek as well, “Just make sure you give him as much grief as he gives you.”

“You know I will.”

“Good. Good night. I love you Charlie Boy.”

Helena stifled a laugh as she watched her brother color around his ears. He saw her look, and pointed a disapproving finger at her, “Hush you.” He turned back to Shelby, his expression softening, “I love you too. I’ll be up in a bit.”

Myka watched as Shelby made her way up the stairs, then stood herself, stretching slightly, “I believe that is my cue too.” 

“Darling, you can stay. _Please stay_ , save me from the whims of my brother.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You know I don’t believe those dramatics for a second Swagger.”

Charles lifted his eyebrows, “Swagger, huh?”

“Just evening the score between you two there _Charlie Boy_ ,” Myka smirked.

“Touche. Oh my, Hel, I believe you have found the one woman who might actually be able to handle you.”

Helena raised an eyebrow, lips parting, a smart smirk tugging at the corners of them. Myka’s hand shot out and covered Helena’s mouth, “And _that_ is where I stop this conversation. Keep that comment to yourself, Helena, or I _will_ tell your brother all of _your_ secrets.”

Helena closed her lips tightly, “I wasn’t going to say a word darling.”

“Uh huh…I’m sure. Ok, I’m seriously off to bed before this conversation goes any further. Good night, Charles.”

“Good night, Myka. Thank you for being a much more gracious host than my sister.”

Myka chuckled, “Anytime.” Myka tucked an arm around Helena’s waist, kissing her temple, “G’night sweets.”

Helena squeezed at the hand Myka had tucked against her hip, “Good night my love. I’ll be up in a bit. Love you.”

“Love you too. _Be good_.”

Helena smirked, “I always am darling.”

Myka let out a small groan, shooting an apologetic look at Charles, though he was too engrossed in his own laughter to notice, “God I walked right into that one. It is definitely time for bed.”

Charles waited until he heard the distinct sound of a door shutting upstairs before he extracted his whiskey from the mantle and settled onto the couch. He gave Helena a gentle look where she settled in the chair opposite him, “She’s wonderful.”

Helena gave him a wistful smile, “On that, I will certainly not argue with you.”

“You look much happier than you did last Christmas, when you were sitting on Mum and Dad’s couch, fretting about whether you two could make it work.”

Helena ran a hand through her hair, “Yes, well, a lot has happened in the last year.”

Charles looked around him, “Clearly. The house is beautiful by the way, the pictures you sent didn’t do it justice.”

Helena beamed, “Thank you. We would both probably say it suits us.”

“So, darling sister, my darling rock star of a baby sister, you _know_ I worry about you, therefore you _know_ that I have to ask…are you happy?”

Helena sighed contentedly, “You have no idea Charles.” She took a slow sip of wine, before giving him a playful look, “ _And_ believe it or not, I am quite happy that you’re here as well.”

“I didn’t doubt it for one second. You always miss me too much to not be happy when I’m here.”

“Once again, I will not argue with you on that. I have missed you quite terribly…” 

“I’ve missed you too. Hence the impromptu, ‘we’re getting on a plane and visiting’ email.”

“Well, you are, in fact, welcome anytime, though a little bit more of an advanced warning _would_ be appreciated.”

“Duly noted.”

Helena glanced towards the Christmas tree, “So, Christmas morning part two tomorrow?”

“Indeed. I believe that’s why Philip went to bed so early, too excited about what Aunt Helena bought him to think about anything else.”

“Well, I think he’ll be quite pleased. I, on the other hand, think I’ve gotten all the presents I needed this year.”

Charles smirked, “Of course you have…you’ve got _the girl_.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I was rather talking about you all being here darling brother, but yes, on that you are quite right. Between you all and Myka, I’m not sure I could ask for anything more.” 

“You could probably ask for me to not embarrass you in front of said girl for the remainder of our trip.”

Helena took a small sip of wine, “Ah, by why ask you for something I know you’ll never give me?”

Charles chuckled, “Quite right. Happy Christmas Hel.”

“Same to you Charles. I am, truly, very, very happy that you’re here.”

“Me too baby sister. Me too.”

**

Myka stood by the fire feeling as though she was in some sort of haze. She could hear the conversations flowing around her, she could even pay attention enough to contribute to them when necessary. She could watch and laugh and enjoy Philip and Anna tearing through their stack of presents with an unabashed sense of reckless abandon. However, every time that her eyes fell on Helena, every time she watched the way she reacted to the kids, the way they, especially Philip, clearly adored her, the way she would steal small kisses to their hair, the way her smile just seemed to come easier around them, every time it made something in Myka’s chest start, stutter, and stall. Her mind tugged her away from the present, dragging her into the deepest well of her subconscious forcing her to wonder, to question, to think, to remold and reshape and, once again, reinvent the future they always talked about. It wasn’t the first time that she had thought about it, it wasn’t the first time she had let the words tumble around her mouth, testing out how they might sound on her tongue, but it was the first time that she felt like she was truly tumbling towards the words actually coming out, escaping into oblivion where she had no idea how they would be received. She absent-mindedly wondered if she was going to make herself black out because it could not be healthy to keep shifting back and forth from such a warm, free floating feeling in her chest to gripped, tightened worry. She tried to take a deep breath, but it, once again, got caught halfway through her lungs, as she watched Philip collide into Helena’s back where she was sitting on the ground, wrapping his arms around her neck, hugging her tightly, the sounds of both of their laughter echoing around the walls.

Tiny hands gripping onto her pant leg pulled her out of that well of thought, dragging her up to the surface to catch her breath. She let it out slowly, giving herself a moment, before looking down at Anna, whose fingers were still resting, nervously near her knee. Myka felt that warmth in her chest return full force as she kneeled down to Anna’s level, “What can I do for you little miss?”

Anna gave her a shy smile, eyes meeting hers quickly, before tracing back down to the book she held in her hands, “Thank you…for my book.”

Myka smiled softly, “You are very welcome.” She tapped a finger against the cover, “This was one of my favorites when I was your age, and your Aunt Helena told me how much you liked to read.”

“Aunt Helena loves books too,” Anna said with a fuller smile.

Myka chuckled, “That she does.”

“Myka…” Anna’s voice trailed away, along with her eyes, which once again tracked towards the floor, her tiny fingers fumbling at the corner of the book.

The warmth in Myka’s chest swelled to what felt like a breaking point. Anna and Philip were a bit more reserved in their attentions, their affections than Ethan. Where Helena had been “Aunt Elephant” immediately, Myka knew that this would be a process, an understandable, slow build. However, there was something in the way that Anna’s tiny voice tripped over the syllables that made Myka wonder if that build wouldn’t be quite as slow with Anna as it would be with Philip. Myka reached out and tapped a finger against her nose, “You have a question for me, don’t you?”

Anna nodded her head, her smile reemerging, her fidgeting slowing, her eyes coming up to meet Myka’s fully, “Will you read this with me?”

Myka was certain there was no more room in her chest, that it was too full and would simply explode from the heat and the power and the emotion. She swallowed it all down, giving Anna a beaming smile, “That might just be my favorite question ever. I would _love_ to read with you. I’ll tell you what, how about I go get us both another cup of hot chocolate, and then we can read in Aunt Helena’s favorite reading spot.”

Anna’s eyes widened, her cheeks pulling in a bright smile, “Ok!”

Myka chuckled as she stood, testing the waters a bit by scratching her fingernails against the top of Anna’s head. When Anna giggled and smiled brighter, Myka thought she might just float away, “I’ll be right back.”

Myka set two mugs against the counter, giving a slow stir to the pot of hot chocolate on the stove. Before she started to pour, two arms twined around her waist, “I fear I might not be your favorite member of the Wells family for very much longer.”

Myka grinned, leaning her head back against Helena’s shoulder to place a kiss against her cheek, “I’ve got to say, it’s going to be a pretty tight competition.”

“Anna is rather shy, so the fact that in less than twenty-four hours, she’s speaking full sentences to you means I have absolutely no hope of winning that competition.”

“I promise you shall remain a strong second in my heart Swagger.”

Helena chuckled, “Well, as long as I know where I stand.”

Myka finished filling the mugs and slid them deeper onto the counter before turning slowly in Helena’s hold. She brought her hands up to loop around Helena’s neck, scratching lightly at the base of her scalp, “You seem less…frustrated with your brother’s tactics this morning.”

Helena hummed at the sensation of Myka’s fingers, “You will soon find that it is very difficult to stay annoyed with Charles for very long…”

“Sounds like a family trait,” Myka smirked.

Helena rolled her eyes, “I am far too loving of a girlfriend to ever get annoyed with darling…”

“I’m going to simply smile and nod and go about my business of delivering this hot chocolate so as not to get myself in trouble with that statement.”

Helena pinched lightly at the small of Myka’s back, “It’s Christmas, you are not allowed to be insufferable on Christmas.”

“It’s the 27th. Christmas was two days ago. Plus, my insufferable nature does not acknowledge moratoriums.”

“It is the _Christmas season_ still, love, and yes, I believe no truer statement has ever been said.”

Myka’s lips twitched in a crooked smile, “You love me though…insufferable nature and all.”

Helena pushed forward, kissing Myka softly, “Don’t tell anyone, but I do, in fact, love your insufferable nature.”

Myka chuckled against Helena’s lips, “Your secret is safe with me.” She kissed Helena again before pulling away and turning to retrieve the hot chocolate, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a reading buddy I must not keep waiting.”

Helena held her hands up in surrender, “Don’t let me stand in your way darling.”

Myka moved out of Helena’s space, only to steal back in and press another kiss to her cheek, “I love you too…just in case you were wondering.” She walked back towards the living room, shooting Helena a backwards glance over her shoulder with a quick wink, where she was still standing pink-cheeked and a bit frozen near the counter. 

Anna greeted her with outstretched hands, anxiously awaiting her latest round of hot chocolate. Myka eyed her small hands, one still clasped around her book and gave her a small, conspiratorial smile, “How about you take care of the book and I’ll carry these to where we’re going to sit?”

Anna smiled softly, “Deal.”

Myka nodded her head towards the window nearest the Christmas tree. There was a decent sized window seat built into the space with shelves beneath it that Helena and Myka had immediately decided would be home to their favorite, most cherished books. Myka settled into the seat, propping one of the pillows up against her back. She wasn’t sure what positioning would make Anna most comfortable, so she tucked her legs underneath her, and patted the seat next to her, “Hop on up here.”

Anna gave Myka a bright smile and proceeded to take Myka’s words quite literally by turning and _hopping_ backwards into the seat, landing nestled next to Myka’s knees. Myka couldn’t hold back her laughter, “You are just like you’re Aunt Helena, do you know that?”

Anna beamed, “Daddy tells me the same thing.”

“I’m sure he does,” Myka mumbled. Her eyes glanced out the window and she turned a smile to Anna, “Do you want to see why this is Aunt Helena’s favorite spot to read?” Anna nodded enthusiastically. Myka pointed a finger out the window, towards the back of the house, “Take a look out there.”

Anna craned her head, but couldn’t quite manage the view. She looked at Myka with a discerning look that Myka could have sworn she’d seen on Helena’s face before. Myka watched as something seemed to fall between them and suddenly Anna was moving and shifting, settling quite contentedly into Myka’s lap. She looked back at Myka with a smile which Myka happily returned, before leaning down to place the hot chocolate on the floor and placing her hands against Anna’s shoulders, encouraging her to lean further to the right to see out the window. 

Anna let out a small, whispered, “Wow,” as she took in the view of the mountains that were completely snow-capped and practically picture perfect. She turned back towards Myka, “They’re really big.”

“They are. I’ll tell you what? Sometime, we’ll convince Mum and Dad to bring you guys for a visit when it’s warm and Aunt Helena and I will take you on a hike up there.”

Anna’s eyes were wide, “Like all the way to the top?”

Myka chuckled, “Probably not _all the way_ to the top, but close enough.”

“Cool!” Anna sank back into Myka’s lap, leaning slightly back against her chest, holding up the book before her, “Time to read?”

Myka smiled, “Absolutely.” She reached down to retrieve their mugs and handed one to Anna, “You can hold on to that, and I’ll hold the book. Sound good?”

“Sounds good!”

Myka settled deeper against her pillow, flipping the book open with her thumb. She looked at the familiar words in front of her, “My mom read these books to me and my sister every night before we went to bed. _Sometimes_ , she let me help. She’d let me read the first page of every chapter. Think you can do that for me?”

Anna nodded vigorously, “Yes, I can.”

Myka bit back a chuckle at how determined, how focused she sounded. She flipped another page, “Alright Miss Anna, let’s introduce you to the Boxcar Children. Take it away, whenever you’re ready.”

**

Helena was trying desperately to pay attention to the tiny pieces Philip kept placing in her hands. This exact moment was, after all, the entire reason she had bought him such an extensive LEGO set as an extra present once she knew they were coming to visit, so that they could assemble it together. However, the necessity of the moment and the reality of the moment were waging a war with her attention span. She couldn’t keep her eyes from drifting, every few seconds, over to the window where she could hear the quiet lilt of Myka’s voice as she read to Anna. It had been well over an hour, and there seemed to be no indication that either of them had any intention of stopping anytime soon. 

It had surprised Helena at first, to see Anna attach to Myka so quickly. She was usually a bit shy, a bit hesitant around new people, but something had clearly shifted over the course of the afternoon. When their reading session had begun, Helena had smiled to see Anna simply willing to sit on Myka’s lap, but now she was completely curled up in her lap, head on her shoulder, seemingly absorbed in every word that came out of Myka’s mouth. Every now and then, wafts of their laughter would filter through the living room, some new, private joke shared between them, before their concentrated silence would fall again and the room would be filled with nothing but the soft turning of pages. 

Charles nudged Helena’s thigh with his foot, nodding his head towards the window, “If I’d have known that all I needed to do to keep her quiet and happy was to introduce her to Myka, I would have sprung this visit on you months ago.”

Helena smiled warmly, “They do seem to be quite the pair in the making.”

Shelby, her eyes determinedly staring at her own book, spoke up, “It’s not surprising, given that Anna is exactly like you. Why would she not immediately adore the woman _you_ adore?”

Charles chuckled, “Unfortunately for Myka, she might not realize that Anna is a bit more possessive than you are. You might not get your girlfriend back the rest of the evening. I would bet they finish that book _tonight_.”

Helena laughed softly, “I wouldn’t doubt it. Once Myka’s settled into a book, it’s difficult to distract her, and when that’s coupled with fairly adorable company, I’m sure they’ll be fairly content for a bit longer.”

“Well, I’m just glad that, for once, the two of us actually get to read our own books,” Shelby smiled. “That doesn’t happen very often in our household.” She readjusted against Charles’ shoulder and returned her attention to her book.

Charles kissed her head, “Amen to that. Though, I must admit, I do rather enjoy the books Philip gets me to read with him, so I’m not complaining…too much.”

“How very shocking,” Helena teased.

“Oh hush and assemble your LEGOs, Hel.”

Helena smirked and stole one last look towards Myka and Anna, willing the image to imprint on her brain. She suddenly wondered if this was how Myka felt every time they were with Ethan, if this was how she felt when he called her Aunt Elephant. It was near indescribable, this feeling that was snaking through her nervous system, this pulsing current of warmth that told her that though it was just the two of them, they were a _family_ , and that the bonds they had each formed with the other’s family were only serving to knit them closer together. The thought made her feel full and warm and more content than she knew how to describe, but it also made her think things that she hadn’t thought in years, things that she had told herself she was done thinking, and she suddenly wondered if Myka was thinking about the same things too.

**  
Myka opened the bedroom door quietly, trying her best to not disturb Helena in case she was already sleeping. When she stepped fully into the room, she couldn’t stop the laughter that fled her lungs.

Helena’s eyes lifted up from her book with raised eyebrows, “Are you in the midst of a reading-induced breakdown love?”

Myka rolled her eyes, snapping the door shut behind her, and immediately pulling her sweater over her head and flinging it towards the hamper. Her fingers tugged to adjust her tank top, “God…I love that fireplace, but I am sweltering.”

“A fire plus a five year old on your lap for four hours will do that to you darling.”

Myka flopped gracelessly onto the bed, “Tell me about it.”

Helena marked her place in her book and set it on the night stand, turning onto her side to face Myka, “So was your laughter simply a result of overheating?”

Myka’s lips quirked in a grin, “No. I just figured you might be asleep already, and here you are reading, and I swear, I thought I would never see the day that I found a family that loved reading more than my own, but _damn_ you Wells’ are definitely up to the challenge.”

“Well, we must live up to our namesake’s legacy.” She reached up and traced a fingertip along Myka’s jaw line, small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, “You finished the book didn’t you?”

Myka’s smile deepened, “We did. She loved it.”

“Charles wins that bet, he figured you would.”

“No wonder he didn’t put up a fight about letting her stay up a little bit later than usual.”

“He doesn’t like to lose a bet, my brother, that is for sure.”

Myka let out a small breath, moving to rest closer to Helena, “She actually let me put her to bed. Shelby asked her if she wanted her to stay up with her, and she just looked at her and said, ‘No, Myka can take me.’ No questions asked. She sounded just like you, all matter of fact and determined.”

Helena chuckled, “Yes, well, Charles tells me that I’ve somehow had an undue amount of influence on her, despite the continents and oceans.”

“She is _so much_ like you, it’s crazy. They _both_ are. Watching you and Philip with those LEGOs, it was like the engineer and her assistant. All science and seriousness. It was highly entertaining and completely adorable.”

“He’s very _focused_ for an eight year old,” Helena grinned.

“Uh huh and you were right there with him. You were analyzing that set like it was the next great skyscraper about to be built.”

Helena gave her a mock serious look, “Building is a _very serious_ business darling, no matter what medium you are using.”

Myka leaned forward and left a small kiss against Helena’s lips, “That it is, my engineer.” Myka wrapped an arm around Helena’s waist, tugging her closer, “I know that this whole thing was a little bit out of the blue and spontaneous, but I have to say, I kind of love having them here. Getting to see you with your family, with the kids, it’s nice…getting to glimpse this part of your life that I don’t get to see very often.”

Helena smiled softly, “I must admit…I have to agree. Seeing you being able to build relationships with them, the way that I’ve been able to with your family...it’s been…well…it’s been quite the bonus Christmas present, I’ll say that.”

Myka danced her fingers across the small of Helena’s back, “Well, we’ll have to see to it that these visits happen a bit more often. I can’t say I’d mind an European vacation…”

Helena closed the gap between them again, lips moving a bit more languidly, “I think I’d like that very much.” 

“Me too.” Myka leaned back with a small sigh, tapping a hand against Helena’s thigh, “Ok, I need pajamas and my glasses. Holy hell, contacts and four straight hours of reading is not a good combination.”

Helena settled back against her pillows, tracing Myka’s movements around their room with a small smile. Images of the day filtered through her mind, snippets of Myka and Anna’s laughter, the thought of Anna allowing Myka to tuck her in. It set Helena’s breathing off-kilter causing a twist to move through her stomach that she wasn’t entirely comfortable with. She tried to return her focus to the present, to the pulsing behind her eyes that indicated she was clearly in need of sleep. 

Myka’s voice filtered out from their bathroom, “Oh, I forgot to mention. Anna asked if I thought we could go out and get the next couple of books tomorrow. I told her I’m sure we could manage it. So, reading may be my sole occupation for the remainder of their trip.”

Helena let out a breathy laugh, her stomach tightening a bit more. Her voice came out a bit higher than usual, “You may not have a voice by the time they leave if that’s the case.”

Myka emerged from the bathroom, tugging her hair up into a ponytail. She gave a small shrug, “Totally worth it.” She slipped under the covers, resuming her position next to Helena, arm immediately snaking around her waist, pulling her forward, “Maybe tomorrow we’ll let you share a few chapters, give my voice a break, _and_ give me a chance to see you a bit more. I feel like I barely talked to you all day.”

Helena grinned, “That’s because you didn’t. However, I’m more than willing to let Anna borrow you for a little while.”

Myka closed her eyes with a soft hum, squeezing Helena’s waist, “Still…I missed you. As stupid as that sounds, since we were, ya know, in the same house all day.”

Helena let out a small contented sigh, “Not stupid my love, _adorable_.” She watched as Myka let out a deep breath, adjusting her position slightly to settle them closer together. Helena closed her eyes, willing her mind to quiet, to stop wondering, to stop racing with questions. She sighed, she’d never sleep this way, though she feared she might not sleep if she spoke either. She watched the peaceful look on Myka’s face for a few more moments before leaning forward and brushing a kiss against her forehead, “Myka…can I ask you a question?”

Myka’s eyes opened, her brow furrowing at the hesitancy in Helena’s tone, “Anything.”

Helena closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath, before opening them back up, locking eyes with Myka, despite how hard it was to ask the question to her directly, “Do you want children?” 

Myka’s eyes widened, “Wow…” She felt every muscle in her body tense, despite her efforts to keep them under her control, at the same time she felt Helena pulling away from her, seemingly ready to turn away from her. She tightened her grip around Helena’s waist, willing her to not move, to stay there with her, to not run away from the words that she had let fall between them. Helena’s eyes remained averted, despite her no longer trying to pull away, keeping up an even stare at the wall just over Myka’s shoulder. Myka squeezed gently around her waist, in what she hoped was some mixture of comfort and encouragement, “Hey…Helena…I’m sorry, you just caught me off guard. I wasn’t really anticipating that to be the question you had to ask.”

Helena shook her head, once again resuming her admittedly weak effort to pull away from Myka “Never mind darling, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Myka pulled Helena back towards her with a little bit more weight behind the gesture, “No, don’t do that. You made me stop deflecting a long time ago Helena, do not try to resurrect that method of dealing, not right now, not after what you just asked me.” Myka was almost surprised to hear the amount of emotion that had risen up in her throat, but there was something in the way Helena was refusing to look at her that made every inch of her skin itch with irritation and fear. She cleared her throat, “You can’t ask me something like that and then try and pull it back out of the universe like it never happened.”

Helena sighed, her body going limp underneath Myka’s hold, her head sinking against the pillows. She could feel tiny pinpricks pressing behind her eyes; this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. She wasn’t particularly sure she knew how she _had_ wanted it to go, but it certainly wasn’t like this. She finally let her eyes trail back up to meet Myka’s, which were blazing with a heat of emotion that almost made her shrink back under the gaze, but she didn’t, she swallowed down the fear that was rising within her, and forced herself to speak, “I’m sorry, Myka. I just…I can’t say I was particularly _planning_ on launching us down this path tonight, but, well…today…it has left a bit of an impression on me, and I cannot deny that it has rather caused me to start thinking along the lines of what I just asked you.”

Myka took in a deep breath, willing her body to calm, for her muscles to release their tension, for her emotions to ebb back and allow them to talk about this, because she knew how much she _wanted_ to talk about this, how vital it was that they did. She rubbed circles against the small of Helena’s back, “Ok, let’s start over, without me giving you the shocked reaction and without you seeming to regret asking it, because Helena…I am right there in that boat with you. The impression boat that is…being in this situation, with Anna and Philip here, and having this much concentrated time with them, the same question has been circling my mind all day. If I’m being completely honest, it’s not the first time it has. Every time we’re with Ethan, every time I watch you with him, that question is there. I guess, I just thought that this might not be a conversation that was on the table…”

Helena eased back into Myka’s arms, feeling her tension release under the ministrations of Myka’s soothing hand against her back, “And I can completely understand how you might have made that assumption love.”

Myka’s tongue tripped a little over the words she was trying to form, not fully sure how to voice her thoughts without hurting Helena, or at least making this conversation harder than it already was, “I just…whenever I thought about it…if I thought about bringing it up….I don’t know….I just…I just kept hearing in my mind you telling me that motherhood was never meant to be your fate….and I didn’t…I didn’t want to….” Myka swallowed tightly, feeling a small streak of tears chase down her cheek, “I didn’t want to make you live through all of that again…I didn’t want to make us have the conversation if it would just end up hurting you.”

Helena reached up and thumbed away the tears from Myka’s cheeks, “You won’t hurt me my love. I will admit, Myka, when I said that to you, all those months ago…I thought it was true. When everything happened with…with the baby,” Helena cleared her throat, trying to keep her words steady, “I was so hurt and so shocked, that I never really allowed myself to go down alternate roads for what motherhood might mean for me. I told myself, rather ignorantly I suppose, that if this was what happened, then that was it, that was the end of the road. Of course, it certainly didn’t help how things went with Nate…his rejection upon finding out that motherhood in a traditional sense was not possible for me…I suppose I convinced myself that maybe it was true, that I needed to simply learn to live with it and let it go…”

“And now…is that still true now?”

Helena gave Myka a soft smile, feeling her nerves ease under the whisper of Myka’s tone that was somehow telling her that no matter how this conversation went, they would handle it, “Well now…now I’m inclined to say that my answer depends a bit on your answer to the initial question darling.”

Myka arched an eyebrow, with a small smirk, “That seems like cheating.”

Helena chuckled, “I did ask the question first, you will remember.”

“Well then, I suppose I owe you a proper answer.” Myka took a deep breath, giving herself a few more scant seconds to get what she wanted to say in order, “It will probably sound completely crazy, but in all honesty, it was never something I had truly given a lot of thought too. I know that it seems like I should have, considering how long Sam and I were together, but our lives were so crazy, we never even really talked about getting married, let alone having kids. We were just so focused on the other sides of our life that it never got discussed, which probably says more about us than I allowed myself to think about at the time, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve told you that after Sam…after Sam I never imagined allowing myself to go down the relationship path again, so the idea of kids…it was just never at the forefront of my mind. With you though…well, like I said my mind has gone there. The idea of us with kids…I’ve thought about it…quite a bit actually, but like I said, I wasn’t sure it was something we would consider.”

“For a time, I wasn’t sure it was either. However, much like you, whenever I watch you with Ethan, how happy you are, how _good_ you are with him. It’s been a hard thing to not think about. It’s been near impossible, honestly, to not think about us with that kind of life. Watching you tonight with Anna, cuddling and reading, my mind couldn’t help but fall into scenarios where that was our child, with your curls and your smile, and how happy we might be with that life.”

“So, everything that happened…the things you’d reconciled yourself to…”

“If the choice is between continuing to reconcile myself to them or remembering what it was to want those things and _have_ them with you…well, it isn’t much of a choice to me love. As long as that would be something you would want.”

Myka allowed Helena’s words to sink in, gave herself a few moments to process them, before turning her eyes back to Helena’s, “Do you remember when you met Tracy and Ethan?”

Helena grinned, “I rather think I do love.”

Myka smirked, giving a small pinch to Helena’s waist, “There is little need for your sass at the moment Swagger. Just listen. There was this moment that night, at dinner. We were almost finished and Ethan was sitting on your lap while you talked to Tracy. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, off of the way you held him, the way you so clearly seemed to love him already. At one point, you took a bite of your pizza crust and Ethan just looked at you and asked if he could have a bite because he was still hungry, and you didn’t even think about it, you just offered it up to him, and you guys shared the rest of it. Maybe it sounds stupid, it was such a small thing, but in that moment, God, I just kept thinking that I wanted that for us.”

Helena smiled softly, “I do think we could be rather happy with that life.”

“I do too. I really do. You’ve made me realize that I want so many things Helena. Things I never imagined wanting, things I never even knew I _could_ want, but the idea of this house, with us, and a family…it’s a bit indescribable to me.”

Helena shifted forward the last few remaining inches that were between them, leaving nothing but their breaths between them, letting her lips mold themselves to Myka’s, letting herself forget about breathing itself for the briefest of moments as long as it meant keeping Myka held against her. She slid her fingers to rest against the bare strip of skin at Myka’s hip where her tank top had risen up, relishing the simple comfort of Myka’s warmth against her fingertips. They eased apart, barely, the air around them thick with the words they had spoken and the heat of their movements. Helena rested her forehead against Myka’s, her words coming out against Myka’s lips, “I love you.”

Helena felt, more than heard, Myka’s soft chuckle, “I love you too.”

Helena leaned a bit further away, her mind already tripping forward into too many plans, too many details. She sighed, “The life we lead though Myka…there are things we would need to talk about, things we would have to decide, things…”

Myka cut her words off with a swift, much more heated kiss than the previous one. She pulled away breathless, “Yes there are. There are a world of things we will have decide, _none of which_ must be decided, or even really discussed tonight. For tonight, Helena, let’s just leave it as this being us solving another piece of the puzzle that is our life, our future.”

The corner of Helena’s mouth twitched in a small smile, “I think that sounds lovely darling.” She arched a coy eyebrow towards Myka, “Do you know what else I think sounds quite lovely?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I have a feeling I may regret this given the look on your face right now, but what?”

“You kissing me a little bit more, I think _that_ sounds completely lovely.”

Myka let out a small puff of laughter, “I suppose I can do that.”

“Well, as long as it isn’t _too much_ trouble darling.”

Myka groaned, “Swagger, shut off the damn lights and get back over here.”

Helena turned swiftly to switch off the lamp on her night stand, laughter and contentment pulsing through her veins. Darkness descended over their room, with nothing but the moonlight to keep them company, but before Helena had even turned back towards Myka, she was right there next to her, fingers pushing through her hair, lips moving against her jaw. The last conscious thought Helena remembered having was a small question of wonder of how on earth she had gotten this lucky.

**

Three days later, Helena leaned against their stereo case, fingers pinched against the bridge of her nose, muttering under her breath, “Apparently my luck has an expiration date.”

Shelby bumped against her shoulder, with a smirk, “What was that?”

Before Helena could answer, Charles’ voice rang out from the fireplace, “Oh come on Myka, you seriously _cannot_ be arguing with me about this!”

Myka gave an incredulous laugh, “I am _absolutely_ arguing with you about this. Trust me, I have won this argument with plenty of other people before, I don’t see that changing tonight.”

Charles placed a hand against his heart in a dramatic gesture, “One would say that you should take it from the actual British people in the room as to which one is actually better. Shel, help me out here!” He shot a pleading look towards his wife.

Shelby let out a shout of laughter, “Oh no bloody way. No, you walked into this situation my love, you’re getting out of it on your own.”

Charles’ eyes shifted over from Shelby to Helena, “Hel?”

Helena arched an eyebrow at him with a small chuckle, “You have to be kidding, right? You cannot honestly think I would come within fifty feet of this argument.”

Charles rolled his eyes and turned back towards Myka, gesturing wildly while trying not to spill any of his whiskey, “The Rolling Stones have been together for almost _fifty_ years! They’re still touring!”

Myka groaned, “I don’t understand why that is always the first argument people go to. The Beatles cannot exactly help the fact that two of their members are _dead_ , Charles.”

“They go there because it matters. It matters because The Beatles broke up before their deaths were even a factor.”

“I’m sorry, but I am never going to agree with you on this. There is no way you are going to convince me that a band which included Paul McCartney and John Lennon, arguably one of the best songwriting duos in history, is not as good as your precious Stones.”

“And you’re never going to convince me that a band which hasn’t been around for decades is better than a group that is still together.”

Helena’s voice interjected, “You two realize you are being completely ridiculous, correct?”

They both turned smiling faces to her, Myka’s eyes shining a bit from the exuberance of the back and force, “Come on Swagger, one of the greatest arguments in rock and roll history is _not_ ridiculous.”

“Exactly! This is about national pride, Hel. Leave us to our bickering.”

Helena held up her hands in surrender, “Argue away. However, Myka, I never want to hear another word about Tracy and I’s _enthusiastic_ discussions. You two flew well past the two of us about an hour ago.”

Myka gave her an incredulous look, “Have you forgotten the great Bronte/Austen debate of Thanksgiving? That was beyond enthusiastic…”

“Your sister and I have our own way of communicating. Leave us be insufferable woman.” Helena shot her a quick wink before turning back to Shelby, “They will be at this for hours…”

“Of that I have no doubt. I have to ask though, which side of that Thanksgiving debate were you on?”

Helena smirked, “For the sake of not losing my British citizenship, that answer remains locked up tight.”

“Well, that is just absolutely no fun.”

Helena shrugged, “You know that the members of the Wells family must keep their secrets.”

Shelby rolled her eyes, “You are all insane.”

“No arguments there dear.”

**

Myka leaned her head back against her chair, eyes scanning the now deserted living room. She looked over at Charles with a small smile, “We chased them all away it would seem.”

“So it appears. They’ve probably retired upstairs to compare notes on how bonkers we both are.”

“That’s probably not very far from the truth,” Myka chuckled.

Charles rolled his tumbler between his hands, eyes staring into the fire. Myka watched as he took a deep breath, he looked exactly like Helena did before she said something she was uncertain about. She smiled, “Whatever it is, you can say it Charles.”

He turned to meet her gaze with questioning eyes, “How on earth…”

“Helena gets the same look on her face when she’s gearing up to say something.”

He laughed softly, “Ah, yes, our family resemblance runs to quite a few things, and that is apparently one of them.” He turned back towards the fire, shooting a sideways glance at Myka, “I thought she was crazy to move here.” His voice was so quiet Myka could barely hear it, but he kept going, “After New York, I just wanted her to come home. That was probably because I felt like so much of New York was my fault. I wanted her to come home so I could make up for that.”

Myka nodded slowly, “From what she’s told me, I would say you were simply the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back on that one. She and Nate…well, she’s told me it wasn’t exactly healthy.”

“It wasn’t, not in the end, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty about the role I played in all of it.” 

Myka gave him a soft smile, “I believe that is the plight of being the oldest sibling. We always want to protect them, no matter what, even if it’s from ourselves.”

Charles gave a sad kind of laugh, “No truer words have been spoken. God, there are so many things I wish I could have saved her from…”

“You couldn’t have Charles, and even if you had…then she wouldn’t be who she is, not truly. She wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with, so ultimately…”

“Ultimately, life works the way it is supposed to I suppose. I have a hard time accepting that sometimes.”

Myka chuckled, “You and me both, trust me.”

“In many ways, Myka…I feel as though you’ve done my job for me.” Myka gave him a questioning look, so he continued, “You’ve saved her.”

Myka let out a slow breath, “Believe me when I say that that woman didn’t need saving. No, in fact, it’s been quite the opposite. She’s saved me.”

“When she told me she was moving here, I thought it was her running again. Running away from her life when things got difficult. Maybe that sounds harsh, but, well, I’ve watched her do it too many times to not worry, to not recognize the signs, but then, one night she called me and before even telling me about the band, she told me she had met you. You were the first thing she talked about, and I could tell immediately that there was something there, that she felt something for you, and the thought occurred to me that maybe, she _had_ been running, this time though she had been running towards you.”

Myka surreptitiously lifted her pinkie to the corner of her eyes to try and stall her tears, “I don’t know how much Helena has told you about me Charles, but she and I, we are far more alike than we realized at first. I’ve spent a lot of my life running too, and everyday I am so thankful that somehow I ran into your sister. Meeting her…it was like coming up for air, and I can only hope that there are a few brief moments when she feels the same way.”

“Oh trust me, Myka, never in my life have I ever seen my sister as happy, as content, as _free_ , as she has been since she met you. I believe it is quite like that for her every moment of every day.”

“That is my absolute hope.” Myka drank the last of her wine, glancing down at her watch with a sigh, “If we don’t go to bed soon, one of them will come down and drag us away out of fear of what we might be saying to each other.”

“Honestly? I’m surprised Helena hasn’t come down and pulled me out by me ear already.”

“I believe she’s simply returning the favor for how much time I’ve let her and my sister talk about me.” Myka looked at the way the fire was reflecting off of Charles’ face. He did look so much like Helena, it was uncanny. She shook her head slightly, “I must say, I am really, really glad that you guys came. I’ve really loved having you all here.”

“We’ve loved being here. The kids may never want to leave.”

“Well, you’re welcome anytime.” Myka grimaced unconsciously, “Just maybe, give Helena a bit more of a heads up next time.”

Charles let out a booming laugh, “Now what fun would that be?” He stood and stretched, tipping back the remaining drops of his whiskey. He moved to lean a forearm against the fireplace, staring into the flames, “Myka…Helena will murder me if she knew what I was about to say, but, seeing as she is my baby sister, I can’t quite help myself.”

Myka chuckled, “The big brother speech, huh?”

He smiled softly, “Just a small one. She loves you Myka. She loves you more than I’ve ever seen her love someone, and she _is_ my baby sister, and the thought of seeing her hurt…well, I’d much rather never experience that again.”

“It’s something I never want to do, Charles, and I will do my utmost to make her as happy as I can, for as long as she’ll have me.”

Charles gave a soft laugh, “My sister is not an easy woman to deal with, are you quite sure you’re prepared for that length of time? Because I’m not sure she’ll _ever_ be willing to give you up.”

Myka smiled warmly, “I’m kind of planning on that being the case.”

**

Myka walked into the bedroom, her footsteps coming quick against the rug. Helena looked up from her book, eyebrow arched, words ready to spill out about how much time Myka had spent with her brother, but they were stopped immediately by the pulsing, blazing look Myka gave her right before leaning down and stopping not only her words, but her breath with a kiss that made her skin tingle. When Myka pulled away, Helena couldn’t even open her eyes, only let out tiny breaths, trying to rediscover some semblance of composure. Finally, she shook herself out of her daze, eyes cracking open to see Myka already over at the dresser pulling out pajamas, as if nothing had just happened. Helena let out a small, incredulous laugh, “Should I be concerned about what happened downstairs that caused _that_ kind of greeting?”

Myka shot her a wink over her shoulder, a wink that when coupled with Myka’s coy smile, made Helena’s entire body flood with warmth, “You don’t have a thing in the world to be concerned about Swagger.”

Helena rolled her eyes, before returning her focus to her book, “You were downstairs, _alone_ , with my brother for well over an hour. I would say that I have _plenty_ to be concerned about.”

Myka practically bounded into bed, pressing a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “Trust me, your brother was nothing but charming and, quite sweet, actually.”

Helena groaned, “He plied you with whiskey didn’t he? That’s what he did, because there is no scenario in the world in which my brother has _ever_ been described as sweet.”

Myka chuckled, rolling over to grab her book from the nightstand, “There is not a drop of whiskey in my body, and that statement is no longer entirely true apparently, because when he talks about _you_ , your brother is absolutely sweet.”

Helena’s head sank into her hands, “Oh God…what did he say?”

“On that, my lips are sealed. Sibling confidentiality and all that,” Myka smirked while carefully opening the cover of _The Time Machine_. 

“I will divulge all of Tracy’s secrets right this second if you’ll tell me what he said.”

Myka bit down on her lip to keep from laughing, eyes remaining fixed on her book, “If Tracy heard you say that you would be in big trouble there Swagger.” Myka waited for Helena to respond, but when she didn’t, she stole a look over at her, only to be met with a creased forehead and an immensely concerned expression. Myka let out a breathy laugh, reclosing her book and rolling back towards Helena. She ran a hand down her arm, “You really don’t need to look like that sweets. I promise. Seriously? Most of our conversation was focused around the fact that your brother is quite happy that _you_ appear to be quite happy. Mostly, he said he misses you, but he’s glad you’re here…and that he’s maybe, _possibly_ happy that you met me.”

Helena’s brows lowered, minutely, “That’s all?”

“That’s really all. I promise.” Myka cocked her head in consideration for a moment, “Well, that and he did give me a tiny version of the big brother, ‘don’t you dare hurt my baby sister’ speech.”

“Oh Lord…”

“I was kind of expecting it, so no big deal. Plus, you can think you’ve done a great job hiding her secrets, but I _know_ my mother gave you her own version of that speech long ago, so I think I lucked out on that front. It took over a year to get it, and your brother is a kitten compared to my mother.”

Helena chuckled, “Somehow, I am not surprised that you figured that out.” Helena tapped a finger against Myka’s book, “She gave me that speech the day I bought you that book as a matter of fact.”

Myka grinned, “Now there’s a Christmas gift for you. Only my mother…”

“Our families are quite something, aren’t they?”

“That’s putting it politely I think.” Myka turned back to her book, “But I suppose, it’s all evidence that they love us, so I suppose we have to deal with it.”

Helena smiled softly, “I feel like you just read that book, love.”

Myka shrugged, settling against her pillows, looking as though she was ready for an entire evening of reading, rather than sleep, “I read it last Christmas, after you gave it to me. I figured, it might be nice to reread it this year. It’s not exactly a _Christmas_ book to most people, but it is to me so it feels like a nice tradition to start.”

“My brother is not the only sweet person in this household, it would appear.”

Myka smirked, “I have my moments.”

“That you do love.” Helena, once again, returned her attention to her own book, inching slightly closer to Myka, who instinctively lifted her arm up to let Helena settle against her shoulder. They read together in contented silence, Myka occasionally stopping to drop a kiss to the top of Helena’s head. Eventually, Helena’s voice filtered through the room, her eyes never leaving her book, “I must say, I think this has been one of best Christmases I have ever had.”

Helena couldn’t see the overwhelming smile that graced Myka’s face, but she could feel it against the crown of her head, as Myka leaned down again, placing a small peck to her hair, whispering, “Me too, Swagger. Me too.”

**

_Pikes Peak National Park, New Year’s Eve, 2011_

“You’re not jet lagged this year,” Myka whispered against the shell of Helena’s ear

Helena hummed softly, leaning back into Myka’s hold, “I must say, this is a much more enjoyable experience this year since that is not the case.”

Myka glanced down at her watch, “Only a few more minutes.”

Helena reached for Myka’s wrist, looking at the time herself, before standing up and holding out a hand to Myka. Myka gave her a quizzical look, but allowed herself to be pulled up anyway. Helena tugged them away from the group, from the fire, Myka stumbling a bit trying to keep up, “Uh Swagger…”

Helena gave her hand another tug, “Oh, just come on.” Myka rolled her eyes slightly, but continued to follow, until Helena brought them to a small clearing, far enough away from the group that their voices wouldn’t carry. She turned back towards Myka, linking both of their hands together, “Don’t get me wrong love, I adore our friends. _However_ , I would rather ring in this New Year with you…alone...just the two of us for a few brief minutes.” Myka gave her a wide, goofy grin, allowing herself to be pulled fully into Helena’s arms. She looped her arms around Helena’s waist, as Helena snaked her own around Myka’s neck. Helena took a deep breath, “How many minutes do we have left?”

Myka looked at her watch, “Two.”

Helena nodded, “Righty-ho then. Myka…I know that this new year that we’re about to enter into is going to be a chaotic one, with a great deal of things that will make our lives slightly wild. So…I wanted to take the opportunity, as we stand on the cusp of that new year, and at the end of what has been arguably one of the best years of my life, to tell you that, much like these remaining minutes, you are my beginning and my end, and I am so glad that I am facing this new year with you by my side. Our life…our life together…well, I’m running out of seconds here, so I will simply say, I hope that we have many, many more new year beginnings together.”

Myka gave her a watery smile, as voices echoed through the woods counting down the remaining seconds of the year. Myka leaned forward, resting her forehead against Helena’s, “I love you.”

Helena pushed up on her tiptoes, whispering against Myka’s lips, right as the first of the fireworks exploded above them, “I love you too darling.”

**

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, early January 2012_

Helena stirred in her sleep, trying to shake away the faint buzzing noise that was filtering into her dreams. She was certain it wasn’t real, that she could ignore it and eventually it would disappear and she could go back to sleep. The noise, however, persisted. She cracked her eyes open, only to be met with darkness and the shadowy outline of Myka’s curls. She buried herself deeper into the back of Myka’s neck with a groan, as the noise finally seemed to stop. She settled back into her pillows, only to have the noise resume, “Ugh.” She squeezed Myka’s waist, whispering, “Love…your phone.”

Myka’s voice came out a bit clearer than she expected it to be at this hour of the morning, but there was still a sleep worn edge to it, “Not me, Swagger. You.”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “Me?”

Myka’s ribs jumped under Helena’s arm with small laughter, “Yes _you_ , and trust me…you need to answer your phone.”

Helena gracelessly rolled over to her side of the bed, arm flopping out of the covers to reach for her phone, which was, in fact, buzzing. She squinted at the screen, wanting to turn away from the brightness. When she saw the caller ID, she couldn’t stop her eyes from rolling, “Kelly, what the bloody hell? Do you know what time it is?”

Kelly’s voice was crisp, clear, _awake_ on the other end of the line, “I do, H.G. Apparently, _you_ have forgotten what day it is.”

“I swear to God, it is far too early for teasing and for that tone, Kelly. Talk or I will hang up on you.”

Incredulous laughter filtered through the phone, “Wow, ok, you aren’t a morning person. Something to remember for the summer. Anyway, oh tired one, it is Grammy nomination morning, and I am calling at this ungodly hour to tell you that you need to care about that.”

Helena sat bolt upright in bed, fingers flying up to glide along the locket around her neck. She felt Myka roll over next to her, an arm coming out to loop around her thighs, and she could feel Myka’s smile against her skin. Unconsciously, she let her hand fall down to move through Myka’s curls, her attention still focused on the phone, her voice now coming out a bit cracked and breathless, “Do not toy with me Kelly.”

“Ok, ok, enough toying. You, Helena Wells, and that crazy band of misfits you call your friends are officially Grammy nominated artists.”

Helena couldn’t stop the squeal that left her mouth, though later on she would deny that it happened, “No!”

“Yes!” Kelly laughed. “I insisted on calling each of you separately, though Claudia threatened to murder me. She really wanted to be the one to tell you, but I claimed this privilege as your manager, since it is one of the few I get.”

“Wh-what were we nominated for?” Helena looked over to where Myka had sat up next to her, a smile so bright on her face that Helena was momentarily stunned by it. She reached out a hand to palm Myka’s cheek, reveling in the quickness with which Myka turned her head, pressing a kiss to her palm. Myka arched an eyebrow at her, pointing a finger at the phone. Helena shook her head, pulling herself out of the momentary haze.

“You still with me there H.G.?”

“Yes, yes, sorry…can you repeat what you just said?”

Kelly continued to laugh, “Sure. Best new artist and best rock song for ‘Ain’t it Fun.’”

Helena shook her head in awe, unsure she could even feel her body anymore, “Holy bloody hell…”

“Well, you and Claudia certainly went for the colorful reactions. Though Claud _did_ opt for a few more four letter words than that. God help me what Pete will say. Speaking of which, I need to call him and Steve. I’m sure you’ll hear from them soon.”

“I’m sure I will…”

“Pete will demand celebration, I’m sure, which is absolutely necessary.”

Helena chuckled, “Of course.”

“Alright, I need to go, but I would assume I will be seeing you soon.” There was a long pause, long enough that Helena wondered if Kelly had hung up, until she heard a slow intake of breath on the other end. When Kelly’s voice returned it was slower, sounding more akin to Helena’s shocked tone, “H.G….congratulations. You guys deserve this so much. I can’t…I can’t explain to you how proud I am.”

Helena sucked in a shaky breath, “Thank you Kelly, for _everything_.”

“You are so very welcome.” Kelly took another breath that was let out on a nervous chuckle, “Wow, ok, I’m going to go, or I’m going to get emotional and it is too fucking early for that.”

Helena’s laughter was breathless, “You’re a bit colorful yourself this morning it would seem, but yes…yes it is. I’ll talk to you later.”

“That you will superstar.”

The second that Helena ended the call, Myka tackled her back into the pillows, enfolding her in a tangle of arms and giddy laughter. Eventually, Myka pulled away, propping herself up on her elbows either side of Helena’s head, fingers pushing the hair away from Helena’s temples. She leaned down and brushed a kiss against Helena’s lips, “Guess what?”

“What darling?” Helena couldn’t keep the smile from her face.

Myka met her smile full on, “From now on…you will be known as…Helena Wells…” Myka’s lips met Helena’s again, “ _Grammy_ ,” another kiss, “nominated,” another slower kiss, “artist.”

Helena hummed against Myka’s lips, “That sounds quite lovely, doesn’t it?”

Myka pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, letting out a low chuckle, “ _Lovely_? It sounds lovely, huh? I think it sounds _fucking amazing_.”

Helena looped an arm around Myka’s neck pulling her back against her, “You are not allowed to mock me today.”

Myka felt Helena’s free hand chase up her back causing her to shiver. Her words came out shaky, “Sure…no mocking…done mocking.” Helena’s hand moved again, but Myka pulled away, albeit unwillingly, “ _You_ need to call Claudia.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Mocking _and_ rejection.”

“Not rejection Swagger. _Delaying_. You _need_ to call Claud. I’m honestly surprised your phone isn’t ringing already. Make your phone calls. Figure out how we’re all going to celebrate, and then _later_ we’ll get around to _our_ celebrating.”

Helena threw her head back against her pillow with an incredulous groan, “You are an evil torturer of a woman, Myka Bering.”

“Yes. I am. I am so very evil, making you wait until we have all the time in the world together without your phone ringing off the hook every other minute.”

“My phone hasn’t even…” Helena rolled her eyes as her words were cut off by a very loud, very obvious vibration of her phone. She pointed a finger at Myka’s teasing grin, “This isn’t over.”

Myka pushed off of Helena, falling back to her side of the bed, “Answer your phone oh tortured one.”

The rest of the morning was lost in a giddy haze of phone calls and planning. Helena spent half of her time trying to simply remember what she had been trying to do in the first place, because every time she started to do something she lapsed back into a wave of laughter, followed by her insisting that Myka assure her that the morning had, in fact, happened. 

As they were putting on their coats to go meet everyone for dinner, Myka turned away from the door and seemed to be eyeing the mantle with curiosity. Helena waved a hand in front of her face, “Darling?”

Myka turned, giving her a crooked smile, “We’re going to have to move some of those pictures to make room on the mantle.”

Helena’s brow furrowed in question, before realization dawned, “Well, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves love.”

“Spoil sport,” Myka winked, before tucking an arm around Helena’s waist, pulling her closer, “Ok, I won’t get _too_ ahead of myself, but still, I make no promises that I won’t keep picturing a freaking _Grammy_ up there.”

“Picture away darling,” Helena chuckled, kissing Myka softly, “Let’s go celebrate.”

**

_Hernandez & Dupres Agency, Colorado Springs, late January 2012_

“So…” Kelly drummed her fingers against her desk, “you guys are going to L.A.”

Claudia gave her a quizzical look, “Yeah, we know, Kel. Can’t go to the Grammys without going to L.A.”

Kelly rolled her eyes, “Thank you for that. No, you guys are going before then, like in two weeks.”

“What?” Pete’s eyes had widened, “Why?”

“Because the nominations change things you guys. You thought people wanted you before? Now, I can barely hang up the phone before it’s ringing again. This is what happens, people want to see you, they want to hear you. You’re a known commodity now and people want to tap into that. So, I’m making sure that you’re honoring the appearances we have scheduled around here for the next couple of weeks, but then it’s go time. L.A. in two weeks, New York the week after.”

“Are we really in that much demand?” Helena tried to not sound _overly_ skeptical, but the reality of their situation had not quite sunk in for her yet.

Kelly gave her a teasing smile, “Would you like to see my call log? I’ve had fifteen calls this morning alone. It’s time you guys. This is no longer just small stuff. I’m talking about television appearances, interviews with national radio stations, magazine articles.”

Steve let out a slow breath, “That seems like…a lot.”

Kelly nodded slowly, “It is, and I’m not going to tell you guys that it isn’t overwhelming or a lot to do or process, but this is what we’ve got to do. This is the next step.”

“I think it’s just going to take all of us a little bit of time for it all to sink in, to figure out all the details.” Helena glanced around to see the other three nodding in agreement to her statement.

“Absolutely understandable, and I’ll do my best to get you guys a clear itinerary as soon as possible, so you can start planning those details.” Kelly looked from one nervous face to the next. There had been a distinct _shift_ in the room from the moment she started talking. There was a certain sense of palpable excitement, but with a very prominent undertone of anxiety. She gave them all what she hoped was a reassuring smile, “Listen you guys, I know that this is going to feel like you’re moving at about a thousand miles a minute, and it’s going to take time to resettle into this kind of schedule, but I want you to know, I am here, every step of the way. If at any point you have concerns, talk to me. If at any point, you’re upset, you’re worried, you’re _anything_ , talk to me. I don’t want you guys trying to keep it together for the sake of appearances, or because you think everyone else is fine. _Talk to me_. Your lives are about to get crazy, and I want to do all I can to help with that, so please, please remember that my door is always open, my phone is always on.”

Pete let out an audible breath, his body sinking with a kind of relief, “Thanks Kel. _Really_ , thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I just want you guys to remember you aren’t alone in this. I’ve got you, and I’m going to do whatever I can to make this as easy as possible. Speaking of which,” she tapped her hand against her phone, “I need to get back on the phone to keep hammering out details so that you guys have a schedule as soon as possible. Unless you guys have any questions…you’re free for the day.”

Claudia looked at each of the group, “I think we’re good. We’ll see you tomorrow?”

Kelly smiled brightly, “Yes. Bright and early. Remember interview at KILO, 6:30 _a.m_. Pete.”

Pete groaned, “Do _not_ remind me.”

“I will remind you, over and over again, because your ass never fails to be out of bed late. Anyway, interview in the morning, show tomorrow night.” She waved her hands towards the door, “Now go my crazy ones, enjoy your day. I’ll email you if I have any info.”

They all filed out of Kelly’s office, each toying with their phone, not quite making eye contact with each other. Pete let out a bit of a strangled laugh, “Man, I think I owe Amanda dinner tonight. Being gone this much at the height of wedding planning? Should be fun to explain.”

Claudia leaned into his shoulder, “Oh come on Pete, Amanda will get it. I mean, we all sort of _knew_ that things were going to pick up after the first of the year, maybe not _this much, this soon_ but still…”

“I know…but…” He rubbed at the back of his neck, “I don’t know, _knowing_ it was coming and actually hitting that reality are two different things. We’re just going to have to talk through some things is all.”

Helena quirked her eyebrows, “I believe I am quite in that boat with Peter. This will certainly require some…conversation with Myka.”

Steve gave them all a sheepish sort of smile, “For once, Liam and I’s schedules kind of get to match up, since he’s on a bit of a publicity circuit too…”

Pete clapped Steve on the shoulder, “That’s it Steve-O, you shall be the beacon of hope and optimism for us all.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

As the conversation continued to spin around her, Helena felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out, sliding open a text from Myka.

_“Whenever you’re done with Kelly this morning could you swing by the store? I want to show you something before I head home.”_

Helena smiled softly, though felt a small twinge in her chest. Realization hit her, harder than anticipated, that in a couple of weeks this kind of casual ability to just _see_ each other was no longer going to be possible. In order to deal with the impending chaos, Helena knew she hadn’t truly allowed herself to take in everything that it would mean, but suddenly thinking about the fact that she would no longer just be able to go over to the store and see Myka whenever she wanted, even if only for a few scant minutes, was enough to make her breathing shorten. 

Pete, always more observant than any of them ever gave him credit for, leaned over towards Helena, whispering, “Hey…H.G., you alright over here?”

She knew her smile was strained, her voice coming out high and tight, “Quite fine Peter.”

Pete’s forehead knit together, skepticism written all over his face, “You sure?”

Helena willed her voice to return to normal, “Positive. I just need to head over to the Warehouse for a bit.” 

Pete continued to eye her carefully, but conceded her answer anyway, “Alright. Well,” he put an arm around her shoulder, giving her a small squeeze, “tell Mykes I said hi.”

“I shall.” She waved towards Claudia and Steve, “See you all bright and early tomorrow. Claud? Are you still coming by tonight?”

Claudia gave her a thumbs up, “I’ll be there. Ready and raring to write.”

**

Helena gave herself a few brief moments in the car once she had parked in front of the store, breathing deeply, trying to walk herself through all the reasons why this _would_ be ok. She and Myka had known this was coming, they had talked through the general details of how they would handle it. This wasn’t last year, they were completely different now compared to how they were then. Myka had become less and less inclined to flee, to run out of fear of complication, and simply more willing to make things work no matter what. They loved each other. They had a house together. They had a life together. This _would be ok_. Her eyes trailed towards the store windows, taking in the silhouette of Myka behind the counter, laughing with Leena and a customer. She looked so at peace, and Helena feared she would ultimately be the one to destroy that peace, which it had taken Myka so long to find. She sighed, they could do this. She had to believe that could do this. Chaos be damned, as Myka was so inclined to say now. It _will be ok_. She tugged herself out of the car, mumbling to herself, “I bloody well hope so.”

A wide, bright smile pulled at Myka’s mouth as she heard the bell over the door ring. Helena was practically blown into the store on a gust of wind that had brought a surge of color into her cheeks, which Myka couldn’t help but find distractingly beautiful. Her chest filled just looking at her, and though some part of her judged how receptive her body, her mind was to Helena’s presence, the larger part of her did not care in the slightest. She knew her contentment was evident in her voice, but once again, she didn’t care, “Hey you.”

“Hello darling,” Helena leaned over the counter to meet Myka’s lips, which were instantly and immediately searching for hers. Helena tried to let the moment fill her, dispel the clouds that were fogging up her mind with worry, but she couldn’t quite keep her brain from tugging at her with the reminder that soon it wouldn’t always be like this.

Myka came around the counter, hand tucking into Helena’s tugging her towards the stairs, “How was Kelly?”

Helena couldn’t help but chuckle at Myka’s seeming exuberance, her hand pulling her quickly up the stairs, “She was good. Pete says hi, by the way, but why don’t we talk about that _after_ you show me whatever it is that has you so…giddy.”

Myka stopped at the top of the stairs, turning eyes dancing with excitement to Helena, “I’m sorry, I just really, really wanted you to be the first one I showed, and as of about two hours ago, I can finally, officially show someone.”

Helena looked at the thick piece of brown paper that was covering that glass, which had been newly placed in Myka’s old door. She knew Myka had been waiting for the last few pieces to fit into place before the studio was done, a few weeks later than planned admittedly, but still faster than either of them truly anticipated. She couldn’t keep Myka’s excitement from creeping into her own veins, “It’s done isn’t it?”

Myka gave her the goofiest smile Helena had ever seen, “It is! Ok…I need you to close your eyes.”

Helena looked her incredulously, “Are you serious?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “ _Yes_ , I’m serious. Close ‘em up, Swagger. This is meant to be a surprise.”

Helena sighed, but did as requested, “I don’t quite know how it’s a surprise, when you’ve basically told me every single decision you’ve made about this darling.”

Myka squeezed her hand, “Ah, but there’s _one_ thing I _didn’t_ tell you.” Helena felt Myka’s hand leave hers, followed by the sound of paper crinkling, and tape pulling. Myka’s hand returned to hers, “Ok, you can open them.”

Helena’s eyes were greeted with a frosted pane of glass, fitted securely into the blue of Myka’s door. Her brain tried to process the words printed across it, written in a modern kind of block font: Warehouse 13 Studios. She looked at Myka quizzically, “Why 13?”

Myka’s lip curled beneath her teeth, “ _That_ was kind of the surprise of all of this. I knew I wanted to have a name that tied the studio to the store, but it needed _something_ , and well, I started thinking about how I never would have imagined taking this kind of step before you were in my life, about how you are the one who has helped me find this path I’m on, and well, one thing led to another.”

Helena’s mind spun around all the possibilities for what that could mean, “And thus…13?”

Myka gave her a shy smile, “October 13th, really.”

Realization dawned in Helena’s mind, her breath fleeing her lungs, “Myka…”

“You walked into this building on October 13th and pretty much knocked my life completely off-kilter in just about the best way possible. I figured it was appropriate.”

Helena pushed up on her toes to kiss Myka, “You are an incredible woman, Myka Bering.”

Myka grinned, “You’re not so bad yourself.” She moved her hand to the door knob, “You ready to see it?”

“Absolutely darling.”

Somehow, the contractor had managed to build the studio while still managing to have it feel like Myka’s apartment. Helena’s eyes roamed around taking in the changes, the things that had stayed the same. The wall between the kitchen and the hallway had been knocked out, the kitchen completely gutted and turned into the sound booth. The living room though, remained much the same, the same colors, the same comfortable feel, the perfect place for artists to want to record. The same went for Myka’s bedroom, which had been turned into a kind of writing room slash crash room, a place to take a break, relax, sleep, whatever was needed. 

Helena knew Myka had been watching her every move, taking in her every reaction. Helena squeezed her hand as they maneuvered back down the hall towards the living room, _studio_ Helena had to remind herself, “It’s perfect, love. It is absolutely perfect.”

Myka gave her a nervous, though almost contented smile, “It’s pretty much exactly how I envisioned it. I wanted the right combination of feeling kind of _homey_ but also professional, and I think I got that.”

“You did. It still feels like your apartment somehow.”

“I know. _That’s_ going to take some getting used to.” Myka tugged on Helena’s hand, causing her to stop, and be instantly wrapped in Myka’s arms. Myka held her tightly, whispering into her hair, “I meant it you know? That _none_ of this would have been possible without you.”

Helena didn’t know what to say, too overwhelmed by the weight, the emotion of the moment, of the entire day. In a matter of minutes, she had gone from overwhelming worry to overwhelming contentment, and while she tried to hold on to that feeling, she couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen when that contentment, when _Myka_ wasn’t just a few minutes away.

**

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, early February 2012_

Myka watched from her side of the bed, as Helena checked and rechecked that she had packed everything she needed. There was something a bit too _frantic_ in Helena’s movements, and it made Myka feel as though they was hovering on the precipice of something, and she was simply waiting for Helena to push them over. When she spoke she tried to keep her voice light, “So you guys are in L.A. until the end of the week, then fly to New York on Saturday, right?”

Helena’s eyes remained fixed on her suitcase, fingers poking and prodding into corners, refitting things, reorganizing, rechecking, anything to keep herself from hurtling off her cliff of panic, “Yes. Kelly has told us the schedule so many times I feel as though I should have it memorized, but ultimately it’s become just one big mess of confusion in my head.”

“At least she’s worked in some down time for you guys though. I always hated when we would spend all this time in these cities and never see anything other than the inside of studios and our hotel rooms.”

Helena nodded absent-mindedly, “She was rather thoughtful on that. Claudia already has an entire list of places we will be visiting, so I’m not quite sure I would refer to it as ‘down time.’”

Myka chuckled, “That does not surprise me whatsoever.”

Helena’s eyes suddenly lifted from her suitcase, wide, worried, almost watery, “We will make sure that we talk right?”

Myka couldn’t scramble up from the bed fast enough, shuffling on her knees towards the edge of Helena’s side of the bed, hand distractedly closing the suitcase as she went before bringing it to clasp around Helena’s wrist, “Hey…Sweets…” Helena let out a shaky breath, causing Myka to sit up further, arms reaching around Helena’s shoulders, “Helena… _of course_ we will talk. You won’t be able to _stop_ me from talking to you. Hell, you’ll probably get so sick of me calling that you won’t know what to do with yourself.” That earned a muffled chuckle from the vicinity of Myka’s shoulder, where Helena had her head buried. Myka tucked her hands under Helena’s jaw, pulling her up, thumbs chasing away the tears on her cheeks. She gave her a soft, crooked smile, “We are going to be fine. I promise. It’s only a couple of weeks, and yes, it’s going to be hard, and yes, I am going to miss you like crazy, but Swagger…this is the _good stuff_. I don’t want you going out there and not enjoying yourself because you’re worried about us. We’ve got this, ok?”

Helena pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, “I know…I’m sorry…I think I’m just nervous. I mean, I know that we’ve _known_ this was coming, but bloody hell…”

Myka smirked, “It’s a whole other ball game when it becomes reality.”

“Exactly.” She groaned, “God, I must sound like I’m crazy. You’re right, it’s only two weeks…”

Myka leaned in, brushing a soft kiss to Helena’s tear-stained lips, “You sound the exact opposite of crazy.”

Helena looked into Myka’s eyes, trying to see if they mirrored any of her own anxiety or concern. She shook her head, “Are you truly not worried at all?”

Myka gave a soft roll of her eyes, “That is an _impossible_ question, because if I say no, you’re going to feel like you’re blowing this out of proportion, and if I say yes, then that’s not going to help your worrying at all.”

“How about you say whatever is the truth?”

Myka sighed, “Of course I’m a _little_ worried. I mean this is new territory for us, and the last couple of months of it just being us in the house, in our nice, little, domestic bubble? Well, it’s been _heaven_ , so of course I’m worried that we’re kind of at the end of that. _But_ , I am not worried about _us_ in the slightest. You’ll call when you’re free. I’ll call when I’m free. We’ll text. We’ll Skype before bed. It won’t be the same, but it will be something.”

Helena nodded, “I know, you’re right, you’re absolutely right. All of this is just going to take some getting used to I suppose.”

“It will. There was always going to be an adjustment period, but this is kind of a good test run for the summer, ya know?”

“ _Please_ do not bring that up. I’m worried enough about two weeks, don’t get me started on three months.”

Myka held up her hands in surrender, “Absolutely shutting up now.” She looked over her shoulder at the suitcase, “So, is that thing officially packed and ready?”

“I think so. I’ve checked it enough times, it bloody well better be.”

Myka grinned, “Ok, then put it on the floor and get into this bed with me. I would much prefer to spend tonight actually _with_ you, rather than watching you fidget anymore with that thing.”

“Of course darling.”

Helena set the suitcase down and curled under the covers, immediately wrapped up in Myka’s arms. Myka kissed her head firmly, “Leave tomorrow for tomorrow, Swagger. For now, we’ve got this time…and that’s something.”

Helena let out a soft breath, “All those minutes and hours, right?”

Myka tilted Helena’s head up with fingers underneath her chin, “Exactly.”

**

_Seeking Endless Wonder Press Tour, Los Angeles, early February 2012_

Helena grinned as she heard the distinct sound of her computer pinging with an incoming call request. She looked up at the clock in her dressing room, thankfully she had plenty of time. She clicked to answer the call, “Hello love.”

“Holy hell...”

Helena arched an eyebrow at Myka’s very much blushing face, “Yes, well, hello to you too darling.”

Myka shook her head slightly, her curls bouncing against her shoulders, though her cheeks remained red, “Wow…sorry. _Hi_!”

Helena bit down on her lip, trying to restrain the laughter that was pulling at her throat, “Are you quite alright love?”

“I…I am good. Yes, totally good, you just…I’m sorry, but you look incredible.”

Helena felt her own cheeks flush, “Thank you. Welcome to the world where your girlfriend has to look presentable for television cameras.”

“Trust me, you look more than presentable.”

“Flirting with me right before I have to go on stage is a bit underhanded…”

Myka grinned bashfully, “Sorry. Ok, _focusing_. So, I caught you right before you go out, huh?”

“Indeed.” Helena took in the pillows behind Myka’s back, the tank top barely gracing her shoulders, “You look like you’re ready for bed.”

Myka nodded, “I am. I’m pretty much going to watch you guys and then it is lights out. It was kind of a long day…without you guys as motivation I would have been asleep hours ago I think.”

Helena watched the way Myka’s eyebrows knit together, the slight tense of her shoulders, “Darling, are you ok?”

Myka’s voice, when it came, was too bright, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Like I said, just a long day is all.”

A knock at her door pulled Helena’s attention. Claudia’s head popped in, “Five minutes H.G.!” Her eyes stole to the computer screen, “Hey Myka!”

“Hi Claud! Good luck tonight.”

“Thanks Cap! Alright, H.G. see you out there.”

“I’ll be right there.” Helena turned her attention back to Myka with a grimace, “I’m sorry this has to be so quick.”

Myka shrugged, “It’s ok, I knew my timing wasn’t ideal tonight. Good luck out there rock star.”

“Thank you love. It helps knowing you’re watching…” Helena’s stomach twisted awkwardly, “Promise me that you’re ok…”

“I promise Helena.”

She sighed, “Ok, well, tomorrow morning you are telling me all about this long day of yours.”

Myka gave her a thin, albeit genuine, smile, “Deal. Now, go get ‘em Swagger.”

“I shall try. I love you, Myka.”

Myka’s smile came a bit freer at that, “I love you too.”

Helena clicked off the call with a sigh. It had been four days…four days and this already felt like it was a weight on both of their shoulders. Four days…and she was already aching to be back in that bed with Myka. She shook her head, steeling her shoulders, _they could do this_. She took a deep breath, her fingers itched to be around her microphone, her body thrumming with a need to be on stage. While it certainly wasn’t life at home, the energy, the passion of performing, helped, more than she ever would have anticipated.

**

_Seeking Endless Wonder Press Tour, New York City, mid-February 2012_

Myka’s eyes strayed from the sound board to where her phone vibrated, once, twice, with text messages. She adjusted one of the sound levels slightly, before picking it up, reading both messages from Helena.

_“Oh my word…I miss you.”_

The other was a picture of Helena and Pete, in what appeared to be Times Square, Pete’s face tucked against Helena’s pressing a sloppy kiss to her cheek. The message that came with the picture made Myka laugh louder than she meant to, especially in the middle of a recording session.

_“Clearly you can see why…”_

She glanced up to where Philip and Sally were still in rhythm, neither of them noticing her momentary distraction. She typed out a quick response.

_“It looks like you’re in good hands.”_

_“Oh God…darling…please take that back…”  
“And lovely, Pete just read that and I will not subject you to the commentary that accompanied it.”_

Myka bit down on her lip to contain her laughter.

_“I’m sorry…one should never be subjected to Pete’s antics without proper supervision.”_

_“YOU are the only one that can supply that supervision, you or Amanda, so on behalf of the three of us, we demand one or both of your presence in New York, immediately.”_

_“I’ll call Amanda and see what I can do about that. Ok…tell Pete to behave and to unhand you, because I have to get back to work and pictures of him kissing you do nothing but distract me.”_

_“He says you could use a little distraction….I agree…however…get back to it and I’ll call you later darling.”_

Myka smiled as she locked her screen. Ten days. _Not_ that she had been counting, but it had been ten days, and despite a somewhat stilted beginning, she and Helena had settled into a decent, comfortable routine. Phone calls in the morning, texts throughout the day, Skype before bed, whichever one of them went to bed first. It was working. It wasn’t ideal, not by a long stretch, but the gaping hole that felt like it might engulf her chest last week was no longer there. It was as she had said before Helena left, this was a good trial run for the summer, and with how things had been going, she felt a renewed sense of faith that despite the tour being three months long, they would be able to handle it, somehow.

**

Myka was so caught up in the mix she was working on that she almost didn’t hear her computer. The noise barely crept into her subconscious, until it hit her full on, causing her to swivel in her chair so quickly she almost spun past her computer in an effort to get to it quickly. She shifted her glasses to rest on her head, as she answered the call, “So Pete has finally unhanded you.”

Helena’s beaming smile met Myka’s gaze, “It took a great deal of coaxing, but yes, he has…thankfully.”

“I feel as though I should apologize that you have to put up with his antics, but I’ve been dealing with them for over a decade. It’s about time someone else took a turn.”

“I think that practically living with him counts as more than a turn, darling.”

Myka smirked, leaning back in her chair, “So, how was your day?”

Helena smiled warmly, “Good, _calm_. We just had a couple of interviews this morning, and then we got to spend the rest of the day wandering the city.”

“Did you show them all of your old stomping grounds?”

Helena shrugged, “Some of them. I think they all find it a bit strange that I used to live here. Hell, I think _I_ find it a bit strange. It feels a bit surreal being back. How about you? How was your day?”

“Good, really good. We finished up a couple more tracks today, so they’re getting close.”

Helena finally allowed herself to take in Myka’s surroundings. Her brow furrowed, “Love, are you _still_ at work?”

Myka’s eyes tracked away from the screen momentarily, “I am. I just had a few more things I wanted to finish up before I went home.”

“Things that needed to be finished at ten o’clock at night?”

“I just got into a bit of a groove…I guess I lost track of time.”

Helena didn’t believe _that_ for one second, but she didn’t push it, “Are Philip and Sally still there? Or is it just you?”

“Just me. I sent them home a couple of hours ago.”

Helena tried to stifle a yawn, though her efforts were fruitless, “Well, it appears only _one_ of us will be burning the midnight oil tonight. I believe I am fading rather quickly.”

Myka gave her a soft smile, “Get some sleep Swagger. I’m almost done here, and then I’m heading home.”

“Text me when you get in?”

“I will…even though you will most likely already be asleep.”

Helena spoke around another yawn, “Don’t care…want to know you’re safe.”

Myka chuckled, “For once, _you’re_ the sleepy one. That’s a nice change. Sweet dreams Swagger. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Don’t work too hard love.”

“I’ll try not to. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**

The next morning, after breakfast, Pete nudged against Helena’s shoulder, “Feel up for a walk?”

She looked at him quizzically, before smiling deeply, “That would be lovely.”

He guided their steps out from the hotel, towards a small park that was across the street. Instinctively, he tucked a friendly arm around her shoulders, a move she didn’t shy away from. He squeezed her to his side quickly, “You seem a little…distracted this morning.”

Helena let out a puff of air that danced in a cloud in front of her lips, “I suppose I am.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Helena pinched the bridge of her nose, “I do, but I also don’t want to sound like a complete imbecile.”

Pete unwound his arm from her shoulders, tucking his hands into his ungloved pockets while he shot her an incredulous look, “H.G., look who you’re talking to. I’m the last person on earth who would call you an imbecile.”

She chuckled softly, “Right…I’m just rather worried that Myka seems to be working _a lot_ lately. I mean, the last couple of nights when I’ve called she was still at the studio.”

Pete gave her a scrutinizing look, “This isn’t going to be the part where you tell me you’re worried about that stupid Sally chick, right? Because I may have to revoke my promise to not insult you.”

Helena shook her head vigorously, “No, no, it’s not that at all. Most of the time, she’s there by herself. I mean last night, I talked to her at ten and she was still there. She said she was going home soon, but she didn’t text me that she was home until after midnight. It just seems…worrisome.”

Pete nodded his head slowly, considering, “Maybe a little, but honestly? It doesn’t really surprise me.”

“Really?”

He shrugged, “Yeah, I mean, when Mykes gets caught up in a project, she kind of dives all in. I can’t tell you how many times I had to drag that woman’s ass out of the library in college just so she would sleep. Plus…it kind of makes sense that she would dive into work…”

Helena looked at him in curiosity, “How do you figure that?”

“I don’t know how to say this without it coming off like a guilt trip, so let me just say that _is not_ what this is. You know Myka, H.G., she is going to do everything she can to make you feel supported and like you have nothing to worry about. She’s going to try and keep her emotions in check so that you aren’t out here worrying about her the whole time. She _misses_ you, so doesn’t it seem like the logical step that she would drown herself in work to help her to deal with the fact that you’re gone?”

Helena paused for the briefest of moments, before giving Pete a teasing grin, “In a very backward way, that makes a lot of sense, though she hasn’t really done much in the way of keeping me from worrying, because here we are.”

“I know, and deep down she probably knows that too, but I think work is Myka’s best way of dealing with the fact that she misses you like crazy, and she probably figures it’s better to channel all of that into work, rather than calling you every five minutes to tell you she wishes you were there.”

“So, you don’t think I really need to be this worried?”

Pete shook his head, “No, I don’t. If I thought you did, then I’d need to tell myself the same thing, because honestly? Amanda has kind of been doing the same thing. Maybe not as much as Mykes, but she usually takes at least one dinner shift off during the week, lets the other chefs deal with the rush every now and then. She’s pretty much worked every one this week. I think everybody is just trying to figure out how to cope with all the change. I don’t think it’ll always be like this, but for now, maybe it’s what they both need?”

Helena leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to Pete’s cheek, “You…Peter Lattimer…are something else. Thank you.”

“Anytime. The way I figure it, we’ve all got to do what we can to keep each other sane through all of this, so whatever I can do to help…well, you know I’m here.”

Helena let out a deep breath, “I do know that.” Slowly, she steered their steps back towards the hotel, feeling somehow lighter. It helped knowing that they were all dealing with this, and that they were certainly in it together. It also helped that she was only a few days away from being home, but for now, she would take Pete’s words and cling to them with hope.

**

Kelly slumped into her chair that night at dinner, a very distinct grimace plastered all over her face. Claudia gave her an assessing look, “Uh, you alright there Kel? You look like you’re about to tell us someone’s dog died.”

Kelly ran a hand over her forehead, “I’m just a little frustrated is all.”

Helena poked a fork around her salad, her stomach already twisting at the look Kelly was giving all of them, “Care to share with all of us the source of your frustration?”

Kelly let out a bone deep sigh, “I just got off the phone with some of the Grammy producers. They need you back in L.A. Friday for production run-throughs.”

“What?” Pete’s fork accidentally clinked loudly against his plate, “I thought we weren’t doing any of that until _next_ weekend.”

“That _was_ the plan, however, people well above _my_ pay grade have changed their minds. So, we are going back to L.A. Friday morning for production meetings, and apparently a dinner Friday night.”

Helena pushed her plate away from her, her stomach doing another flip, “We were supposed to be home Friday night. I take it that that is no longer the plan?”

Kelly gave her a pained look, “I’m sorry, with the late change, I couldn’t get us a flight out of LAX until Saturday night.”

Claudia shrugged lightly, “It’s only a one day difference, Kel, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Steve and Pete echoed the sentiment, quickly returning to their dinners, but Kelly kept her gaze on Helena, pleading silently with her. She knew why Helena wanted, _needed_ , to be home this weekend, and she knew that the change of plans was going to make for a very difficult conversation later that night.

**

Helena leaned against the window of her hotel room, reclining in the modest window seat staring out at the bright lights of the city, wishing with everything in her that instead she was looking out at a view of the mountains from her window seat at home. She pushed a hand through her hair, she’d been avoiding calling Myka, but as the minutes ticked by, she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. She rested her forehead against the cool of the window, and dialed Myka’s number.

Myka’s voice when it came through the phone was so bright, so chipper, that it made Helena’s chest ache, “Hey, I was just thinking of you!”

Helena knew there was no chance that she could keep the despair out of her voice, but she tried to keep the conversation on as normal of a level as possible for the time being, “Why’s that love?”

“Just realizing that I need to go to the store before you get home, because I may have possibly drank all your tea…”

Helena let out a small laugh, “Never did I think I would see the day when Myka Bering was a _tea_ drinker.”

“Only when I’m missing you…”

Helena squeezed her eyes closed, this was going to be impossible, but she forced out a few words, “Sweet talker.”

“That’s me. So, how was…”

“Myka…” Helena couldn’t keep this up, this calm veneer of normal. The words were threatening to burst out of her and she just wanted this conversation started so it could be finished.

Helena could hear that Myka’s guard, her worry was instantly up, “Helena?”

Helena decided it was best to just get the words out, “Kelly informed us tonight at dinner that there’s been a slight change of plans for the weekend.”

“Ok…” 

A small edge had crept into Myka’s voice and it made Helena’s breath quicken, “Something with the Grammy producers apparently. They need us to be in L.A. Friday.” Helena knew she was holding back, already trying to avoid what she knew she couldn’t, but the words just refused to leave her mouth.

“So when are you coming home?” Now, there was a definite twinge in Myka’s voice.

Helena sighed, “Kelly couldn’t get us on a flight until Saturday evening.”

“Which means you definitely won’t be home in time for Ethan’s party…” Myka’s tone was quiet, almost calm, instantly willing to just accept this as their fate.

Helena felt a small tear prick at the corner of her eye. This was what she was expecting, this tone of defeat and beleaguered acceptance from Myka, but to actually hear it was enough to make her feel like she was falling apart, “Myka, I am so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Helena. You weren’t the one who changed the schedule. These things happen.”

Myka sounded too calm, too succinct, too _resigned_. Helena fought back the frustration that was threatening to creep into her own voice, “Just because these things _happen_ , Myka, doesn’t mean that they are not extremely frustrating. That doesn’t mean that I am not sitting her completely torn up by the fact that I am not going to be there.”

“There’s nothing you can do about it though. If this is what has to happen, it’s what has to happen. No doubt about it, it completely sucks, but…”

“Myka, you do realize that I can tell you are absolutely holding back on this right? I don’t care if we’re on opposite sides of the country, I can tell when you’re upset.”

Myka let out a strangled groan, “ _Of course_ , I’m upset Helena, but I also realize that this is completely out of your hands, so I’m also sitting here feeling like a complete asshole for being upset. And the thing is upset isn’t even the right word, because I’m not _mad_ , I’m just…I’m disappointed is all.”

“Well, that would make two of us,” Helena rolled her eyes at her own frustrated tone. She had known this wouldn’t go well, but some part of her had hoped, just maybe, that it would be alright.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Helena. I mean, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t hard, but I’d also be lying if I went off on you, just because that seems like what you want me to do. I’m _not_ mad at you. So I’m not going to yell at you just because that’s what seems to have been expected here.”

Helena’s voice caught in her throat, making her voice come out quieter than usual, “Well then, if you’re not mad then what are you?”

Myka sighed, every ounce of fight gone out of her, “Like I said, I’m disappointed, and right now, maybe just a little numb. Which seems stupid because it’s a _birthday party_ , not even _my_ birthday party. This shouldn’t be a big deal.”

“Myka, of course it’s a big deal. You know that I want nothing more than to be there for this. Jesus, I know that Tracy told you that Ethan called me the other night to talk about it. So, don’t blow this off like nothing, because I’m certainly not. This isn’t nothing, this is our family.”

When Myka spoke, Helena could tell she had finally fallen over the edge of crying, and she wondered if referring to Ethan, to Tracy, to all of them as a family was what had done it, “I know it isn’t nothing, but I’m also trying to remind myself that this one thing isn’t _everything_. I’m trying not to fall off this cliff that I feel like we’re teetering so close to the edge of. This is one thing, one complication, and yes, it is a shitty complication, but it doesn’t change anything, and I can hear it in your voice that you’re worried that somehow it has changed everything.”

Helena finally opened her eyes, blinking back against the glaring lights of the city, wishing more than anything that this just wasn’t happening, “Right now…I’m fairly certain I’m worried about everything, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“I don’t either.”

Helena sighed, “Maybe…maybe we both just need to get some sleep and talk tomorrow.”

“Maybe,” Myka’s voice was quiet, defeated. “Good night Swagger.”

“Good night.” She paused, for the briefest of moments before whispering, “I love you darling.”

Helena thanked every deity known to man that Myka didn’t hesitate for one second before responding, “I love you too.”

**

Friday night, Myka sat on the floor in front of the fireplace wrapping Ethan’s presents when her phone buzzed. Absent-mindedly, she picked it up expecting a text, and instead was greeted with a notification she had forgotten to erase.

_“Helena—Airport—9:30”_

“Goddammit,” she muttered, biting against her lip, willing herself to not cry, _again_. She threw her phone behind her, hearing it hit against the couch cushions. She tried to go back to wrapping, but within minutes was scrambling again for her phone, pulling up her message feed with Helena.

_“I know you’re at your dinner…but I just got this stupid notification that I was supposed to be leaving to pick you up at the airport right now…and God…I’m sorry how the last few days have been. I miss you so much, and I love you, and I can’t wait for you to get home.”_

**

After everyone else had gone to bed, Helena wandered the lobby of their hotel, too restless to sleep, too distracted to read. Her feet carried her into one of the few boutique-like stores that was open until an ungodly hour, catering to the odd hours of the hotel’s clientele. She aimlessly strolled through the aisles, not really processing anything, until her eyes fell on a shelf filled with stuffed animals. Right at the front was an elephant with a peanut wrapped in its trunk. She picked it up, surprised at the softness beneath her fingers. She felt tears build behind her eyes, “Bloody hell this is insane…” 

She idly placed money on the counter, hoping that the cashier would simply ignore the fact that she was a crying mess, buying a stuffed elephant at half past eleven at night.

**

Myka felt an arm slide around her waist as she stood at Tracy’s kitchen sink, staring out into the backyard. Her mom’s voice tripped into her ears, as though from miles away, “You’re moping dear daughter.”

Myka hung her head, “Usually, I would fight you on that accusation, but nope, not today. Yes, mother, I am definitely moping.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Myka rested her head against her mom’s shoulder, “Unless you have developed magical powers which allow you to simply transport Helena here, I don’t think so.”

Jeannie kissed Myka’s head, “There were always bound to be bumps in the road as you two settled into the new normal of all of this. The new studio. The band. The touring. The appearances. It’s going to take time to adjust. _This_ , unfortunately, is one of those adjustment periods.”

Myka let out a small sniffle, “I know. _I know_. I just…she wanted to be here so much. I wanted her to be here, and God, Ethan just keeps asking if she’s ok, and why she has to work, and what happened, and I tried calling her so he could talk to her for a second, but she isn’t picking up, and God, Mom, this just really, really sucks.”

Jeannie let out a soft chuckle, holding Myka tighter, “I know dearest, but it will get easier.”

“I’m going to hold you to that promise, Mother.”

“Please do.”

Soft footsteps echoed behind them, and another arm wrapped around Myka’s waist from the other side. Tracy bumped her hip against Myka’s, “Are we having a family group hug?”

Jeannie leaned forward to give Tracy a warning look to not tease, “We’re seeking to pull Myka out of her moping.”

“I’m not sure a hug from _us_ is going to do that, but I’m up for trying anything.” Tracy squeezed Myka’s waist tightly, whispering, “I tease, but I _do_ hate to see you like this.”

Myka kissed both of their heads in turn, “For you two’s sake, I shall try to decrease my moping. That’s about all I can do.”

Tracy grinned, “We’ll take it.” She kissed Myka’s cheek, “How about cake? Will that help the de-moping?”

Myka smiled softly, “Definitely.”

Tracy turned to pull the cake off the counter, when there was the distinct noise of the front door opening. Tracy turned back to them, “Was that the door? Because I’m pretty sure everyone…”

“Aunt Elephant!” Ethan’s shout rang out through the entire house, carrying from the living room directly into the kitchen. 

Tracy and Jeannie both turned wide eyes to Myka, whose jaw had dropped as far as it could, shock written all over her face. She looked back and forth at both of them shaking her head, “What? No…there’s no way…”

“Well, either my son is playing a horrendous joke on you, or there is every possible way,” Tracy grinned.

Myka went to respond, to say anything, even while her mother pressed a hand to her back trying to push her feet to move towards the living room. All motion stopped however, when into the kitchen walked Helena, holding a very giddy, talking a mile a minute Ethan. Myka’s jaw dropped impossibly further, “What the…”

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, a smile dancing in her eyes. She poked Ethan’s side, “Peanut, we might need to tell Aunt Monkey that it is your birthday, so she might want to watch her language.”

Ethan grinned at her before turning to Myka, “Aunt Monkey! Aunt Elephant is here!”

Myka’s feet finally regained their ability to move. She momentarily wondered if she was going to pull a muscle from smiling so broadly, as she moved in front of them, tussling Ethan’s hair, “I see that Little Man.”

Ethan held up a stuffed elephant for Myka to see, “She brought me a birthday surprise.”

Myka glanced at the toy Ethan held, before turning shining eyes to Helena, tucking an arm around her waist, “I would say she brought _everyone_ a surprise.”

Tracy moved in behind Myka, “Hey buddy, why don’t you go show Daddy your new toy and tell him it’s time for cake?”

“Ok! Aunt Elephant, I’ll be right back,” Ethan quickly squirmed out of Helena’s arms and ran down the hall. 

Tracy leaned into Myka, while she tugged Jeannie out of the kitchen, “This is still my son’s birthday party… _appropriate behavior_ big sister.”

Myka rolled her eyes, but didn’t take them off of Helena, pulling her further into the kitchen, while Tracy and her mother left the room, “Swagger, what the hell are you doing here?”

Helena smiled up at her, “I simply could not bring myself to miss his birthday.”

“But how? Your flight…” Myka’s voice was awed.

“There are these wondrous things called rental cars, love. We truly had nothing to do all day today other than sit around and wait to go to the airport. I decided that was a complete waste of time. So, I slipped a note under Kelly’s door last night with a check to cover the costs of my seat on the flight. I took a cab to the airport, rented a car, and here I am.”

“It’s like a _fifteen_ hour drive. How on earth are you still standing?”

“Adrenaline? Pure, unadulterated happiness? Love?”

Myka shook her head, “You and your vocabulary.”

Helena’s eyes sparkled, even as her demeanor shifted into something more serious, “I got your text last night, and then I saw that damned elephant in a store, and I just…I had to get here. Myka…I am so sorry that this got so out of hand, that we managed to turn a two week trip into something…unnecessary. It was never…”

“Swagger,” Myka cut her off, “can you just for the love of God kiss me?”

Helena chuckled, but didn’t say another word. She pushed up on her toes, pressing lips to Myka’s for the first time in weeks, and it felt like she was finally fully breathing. Her chest expanded to the point of bursting at the feel of the familiar comfort of Myka’s lips on hers, so sure, so solid, so everything. She went to tilt her head, to deepen her hold around Myka’s neck, but Myka pulled away, barely. Helena gave her a questioning look, which only made Myka blush, as she muttered, “You make that move and I’m going to be in very dangerous territory of not heeding my sister’s words about _appropriate behavior_.”

Helena gave her a knowing smirk, adjusting her head to place a kiss under Myka’s jaw, “I’ve been away from you for two weeks…which means…I _suppose_ I can handle a few more hours.”

Myka rubbed a thumb against Helena’s back, shaking her head in wonder, “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I can’t quite either, but I _am_ here, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.”

Myka shook her head, “You are _crazy_ and I love you.”

“I love you too my darling Myka.” Helena tilted her head up, imploringly, “ _One more kiss…_ ”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“Don’t care. Kiss me.”

Myka leaned down and kissed her softly, a bit slowly, amazed that this was how her day had ended up.

**

_Beverly Hills Hilton, Los Angeles, late February 2012_

Myka’s voice echoed out from the bathroom, “I swear to God, high heels are the work of the devil. Jesus…”

Helena’s lilting laughter filled their hotel room, “One would ask why the hell you have your shoes on already darling? We aren’t even remotely ready to leave.”

“Trust me, Swagger, my feet will be numb by the time we get there, and yours won’t be, and you will be jealous as hell that you didn’t follow my lead.”

“Ah, how could I forget the years of red carpet expertise you have over me>” Helena’s voice faded out at the end of the sentence, a sudden sense of uncertainty creeping into her thoughts. When she spoke again, she wasn’t sure that Myka would be able to hear her, “Darling?”

“What’s up, Sweets?” Myka stepped out of the bathroom, fingers tripping down her dress to make sure that it was settled properly. 

Helena’s gaze turned to Myka, her previous thoughts flying out of her head, as her eyes immediately tracked up from Myka’s heels to the red dress that hugged her body in all the right places, to the organized chaos that were her curls. Her breath left her in a rush, “Wow…”

Myka took in Helena’s sweeping gaze, the way her eyes felt like they were boring holes of heat through her skin. She felt a blush chase up her neck, and she was suddenly unable to look in Helena’s eyes, her hand coming up to rub against the back of her neck. Before she knew what was happening, a hand was clasping around her wrist, pulling it away from body, fingers moving and linking with hers, another hand coming up to rest underneath her chin. When she met Helena’s eyes, they were shining at her with mirth and intensity. Helena let out a low laugh that hit Myka right below her belly button, “You know sometimes I think you don’t realize just how unbelievably gorgeous you are.” Instinctively, Myka’s hand tried to reach back up to her neck, but Helena held her still, “No, look at me Myka. You…you are stunning. Stunning in the most indescribable of ways.”

Myka bit down on her lip, “I don’t know what it says about me that after almost a year and a half you still have the ability to leave me a fumbling, nervous mess.”

Helena chuckled again, “It says that along with being so distractingly beautiful, you are also an adorable goofball.”

A full smile broke across Myka’s face, “I’ll take that as a compliment I suppose.”

“Please do love.” Helena gave their clasped hands a squeeze, “Myka…you’re sure you’re alright with all of this? The press, the attention…tonight is going to be rather…”

Myka cut her off, “ _Tonight_ is going to be amazing. Yeah, it’s going to be a lot, and yeah it’s a bit of a reminder of my life before, _but_ …I am so excited to do this with you, to just be here to support you guys. There is no way you could ever convince me that I should be anywhere else.”

Helena’s nerves settled slightly, “We just have never truly done the whole…public thing.”

Myka leaned down the considerable distance between them, given her heels and Helena’s bare feet, and pressed a whisper of a kiss to the corner of Helena’s mouth, “I know we haven’t, but the thing is, tonight isn’t about us. It’s about you guys, and sure, we’ll get some attention, but honestly? I don’t care. I’m kind of surprised that I don’t care, but I don’t know…being here with you, it just feels right.”

“Sexy, adorable, _and_ eloquent…” Helena smirked.

Myka gave a playful shrug, “What can I say? I am the entire package.”

“That you are. Ok, Gorgeous, I need to finish getting ready, which means you have to not be so distracting, otherwise we will be late.’

“I’ll see what I can do about that.”

**

“Holy shit, that is a lot of cameras.” Claudia’s eyes peaked out of the window of the limo, before turning back to the group, suddenly looking nervous.

“Welcome to the big time you guys. Life is about to get really, really real, and really, really crazy. You guys think you’re up for it?” Kelly gave them all a teasing, yet appraising look.

Pete adjusted his tie in a faux-cocky manner, “We are _more_ than ready for this. I mean come on, Steve and I look incredibly hot, look at these matching suits. No one is going to pay attention to anything else.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I dare say Pete, Claudia and Helena have you two beat on that front a little bit. You can’t really beat black dresses and leather jackets.”

“Oh hush woman, you are just a little biased on that front. _And_ you just don’t want to tell me how sexy I look.”

Myka groaned around a laugh, “That is probably true on a lot of fronts.”

There was a tap on the window, jarring them out of their conversation. Kelly moved to get out of her seat, “Alright, that’s your cue. Go get ‘em you guys. Enjoy every single moment of this, all the crazy, all the fun; you guys deserve every single second of this.”

**

Amanda leaned into Myka’s shoulder, trying to whisper, despite the need to shout with all the noise around them, “Look at them! I have never believed more that they were made for this.”

They both watched as the four of them moved swiftly from interview to interview, never stumbling, not for one second looking nervous, but completely at ease with each other, and with the situation. Myka couldn’t help but marvel at the fact that it seemed to come so naturally to them. They seemed to instantly put every interviewer at ease, joking around and simply being themselves. Myka wasn’t sure she’d ever seen them look so happy, and that thought thrilled her more than she expected, because Kelly had been right, they deserved every second of this moment.

Not for the first time throughout the afternoon, Myka heard her name called above the din of the crowd, however, while she had mostly ignored them, this voice was instantly recognizable to her and her eyes began to scan the crowd for its source. It called out again, “Myka, over here!”

Her eyes followed the voice, finally catching a glimpse of a tuft of blonde hair sticking out in all directions. A smile broke out across her face, hand rising in recognition, “Andy!” She cupped a hand around Amanda’s elbow, “I’ll be right back.” 

She skirted through a throng of people, heels almost catching on the carpet, before she made her way to the long line of reporters, ignoring all of them, except the one she stood in front of. Her arms shot out to wrap him in a much reciprocated tight hug, “It has been way too long.”

He pulled away from her, hands remaining clasped around her shoulders, eyeing her up and down, with a teasing smirk, “ _That_ is what happens when you go off the map on us. You don’t _see_ anyone.”

She rolled her eyes, “You knew right where you could find me, you could have called.”

He scoffed, “And risk you thinking I was begging for a story, please woman, you know me better than that.”

She shrugged, “Regardless, it is good to see you now.” An odd sense of familiar nostalgia bounced around Myka’s chest as she looked at Andy, the first real reporter that she and Sam ever actually _liked_. He had done an in-depth piece on them after their second album came out, going out on tour with them for several weeks in order to get a real glimpse of their lives, their music. While they had at first been dubious of his presence, he ended up settling into their lives quite comfortably, to the point that by the end of the two weeks, he felt more like a friend than a reporter. That opinion only solidified when his article came out, an article that was honest and heartfelt, without coming across as an attempt to dig up dirt or drum up scandal. They had remained in close contact to the point that he was the only person that she had felt comfortable giving a statement to after Sam’s death. 

He gave her shoulder a squeeze, pulling her out of her reverie, “I must say…I _wondered_ if you would be here, but I can honestly say I really wasn’t expecting it.”

Myka’s eyes unconsciously darted down the line to where Helena and Claudia were talking to a different reporter. She looked back at Andy with a shy smile, “Yeah, well, proper motivation I suppose.”

Andy’s eyes followed hers, taking in Helena’s image, before turning back to her with a knowing glance, “Do I need say that all of this is off the record, so I can actually _talk_ to you for a second about _that_?”

“Of course you don’t, but I appreciate the thought anyway.”

“She’s fucking gorgeous, Myka. Well done you.”

Myka half-chuckled, half-groaned, “Somehow, you manage to be so much more eloquent on paper, Andy.”

“I have to save something for print. Come on, you know that.”

“I do. _So_ …despite your ineloquence, I will say, yes, she is quite gorgeous. Don’t ask me how I got so damn lucky.”

Andy lowered his voice, eyes darting to either side of him to ensure that the other reporters surrounding them were too preoccupied to pay attention to their conversation, "I hope you realize just how desperately people want the scoop on you two. You should have heard this crowd of vultures when you two stepped out of that limo...Jesus Christ."

Myka shot him an incredulous look, "Vultures? You do realize you are one of said vultures?"

He clutched a hand to his chest dramatically, "Don't wound me like that, Myka."

She rolled her eyes, "I would never." She took a deep breath, curiosity nipping at her heels no matter how she tried to fight it, 'So...is it really that big of a story?"

"Oh don't even pretend like you didn't realize it would be. You've been off the radar for _years_ and then there you are, there you both are. Suddenly, after nothing, you're dating the lead singer of one of the hottest new bands out there and there are rumors flying that your producing...people don't quite know what to do with themselves."

'Ok, that shouldn't even be categorized as a _rumor_ , I _am_ producing. That's not a secret, nor is it really _news_."

Andy groaned, 'Good to see that all these years later, your denial about people's interest in you is still solidly intact. People are curious, Myka. You had to know they would be. I don't believe for one second that you didn't realize the ruckus you would cause walking this red carpet with her."

Myka sighed, "I know."

"Yet, here you are, which says to me...well, it says something has changed. I never thought you'd be ready for this again."

"Neither did I."

"So, are you? Ready?"

Myka gave him a serene kind of look, 'I don't know really, if I am, but what I do know is that if it's a choice between dealing with this or not being here with her, I'll deal with it every second of every day."

Andy's eyes traced back down the line of reporters again, "At some point, these people will riot that I'm holding up the line, which means I need to get back to work, and you need to get back to that beautiful girl of yours." He gave her a small, teasing grin, "You know I have to ask though..."

"Oh God, here we go..."

He slapped her lightly on the shoulder, "Hush. I _am_ still a reporter, so sue me. I'm just saying, if at any point you two feel like addressing _this_ , assuaging all the swirling curiosity, you know I'm here."

Myka rolled her eyes, leaning in to give him a small peck on his cheek, "I will keep it in mind, _however_ , I would not hold your breath."

Andy reached down for her hand, giving it a quick squeeze, "Three years ago you told me the same thing about not expecting you to be in the public eye again...yet here we are..."

Myka just sighed, giving him another kiss, before turning from him with a small wave over her shoulder. She knew he was right. She had said that. She had thought she meant it. She had thought this would never be her life again. She walked back over towards Amanda, thoughts swirling without comprehension, but when Helena's eyes caught hers with a quick wink and a devastating smile, it was as though the whole world stopped spinning. Suddenly it didn't matter that there were cameras and reporters with inappropriate, prying questions, all that mattered as that she was here because Helena was here, she was here because she wanted nothing more than to be by Helena's side no matter what the circumstances were, she was here because she loved her and that was all that mattered.

Eventually, the band eased away from the reporters and into the long train of photographers, and it took all of Myka’s effort to pay attention to where her feet were moving, without being constantly distracted by the way Helena looked. She watched as the four of them posed for picture after picture, with Pete occasionally striking oddball poses, drawing laughter from the crowd. She was once again trapped in a haze of watching the way that Helena’s dress moved around her with every step and gesture, when a voice pulled her out of her reverie, “Hey, you four, how about a couple with your dates?”

Pete’s hand immediately shot out for Amanda’s, pulling her forward with a gentle smile that was instantly meant to put her at ease. Steve and Liam were well used to this at this point, having dealt with enough appearances that they knew what to do, instinctively settling into each other. Claudia had to tug a much more hesitant Fargo away from the crowd, but eventually he willingly went. Helena though, glanced at Myka over her shoulder with an eyebrow arched in question. Myka couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face, hand reaching out to settle against the small of Helena’s back. Helena leaned up to whisper in her ear, “You’re sure about this?”

Myka kissed her temple, not caring that cameras were flashing all around them, “I’m one hundred percent positive about this.”

**

“I _did not_ expect to be this nervous,” Pete whispered to Myka about halfway through the ceremony.

She gave him a soft smile, “It’s normal to be nervous. This _is_ kind of a big deal.”

“I know, but...dammit Pete Lattimer _does not_ get nervous.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Pete, you’re about to go perform in front of thousands of people. A few nerves are to be expected.”

“What if they hate us?”

“They _won’t_ hate you. Just go out there and do what you always do, and it will be amazing.” She tapped against his knee, “Listen to me Lattimer, _go kick some ass_.”

Their performance was everything Myka had come to expect from them. It was energy and drive and playfulness and sex appeal. It was the four of them in their most natural element, together, showing the world just who they were. She felt a swell of pride within her chest as she thought about how all of this felt like it had just started, but how they had already come so far. She watched Helena glide across the stage, singing her heart out, sounding damn near perfect, and she wondered if there would ever be a better moment than this one.

**

The better moment came near the close of the show, when they were all still somewhat reeling from losing “Best New Artist,” when the presenter’s words rang out through the ballroom, “And the winner of Best Rock Song is, ‘Ain’t it Fun,’ by Seeking Endless Wonder, lyrics by Claudia Donovan and H.G. Wells.”

The swell of cheers that ran through the ballroom was near overwhelming, but none of them heard them, too caught up in a tangle of laughter and arms reaching for each other. Claudia and Helena tried to move towards the end of the aisle on shaky feet, pausing when they saw Pete and Steve moving to sit back down. Claudia gave them an incredulous look, “No fucking way, you guys are coming up with us.”

“It’s just the writers, Claud,” Steve murmured.

“Oh Steven, you are ridiculous. Get up and get moving,” Helena smiled.

The four of them started to edge towards the aisle again, but Helena paused in front of Myka, “Kiss for good luck?”

Myka smirked, kissing her quickly, but softly, “Go get ‘em Swagger.”

**

As they made their way onto the stage, there was an awkward moment behind the microphone as Helena and Claudia each insisted on the other doing the talking. Myka laughed softly behind her fingers, because it was so very typical of them both, neither wanting to take credit for what they did together. She watched, soft smile on her face, as Helena placed a hand on the small of Claudia’s back, giving her a small push forward. Myka’s mind was flooded with memories of that first night that the band was together, when she had been so, irrationally, worried that Helena would overshadow Claudia, that she would diminish Claudia’s glow and passion. Little had she known she would only make that passion deeper, that glow brighter.

**

Helena pressed a hand to Claudia’s back, whispering, “Claudia, darling, it should be you speaking for all of us.”

Claudia gave Helena a watery smile, saying more with a look than she ever could express properly with words. She gave her a slight nod, and then stepped, rather shakily to the microphone, only feeling capable of doing it knowing that Helena, Steve, and Pete were right there beside her. She ran a hand over her hair, breath coming out a bit short, “Wow… _thank you_.” Light laughter emanated up from the crowd, calming some of her nerves. She had things to say, people they needed to thank, with minimal time, better to start talking, “There are _so_ many thank you’s that we need to say. First and foremost, to our absolutely fearless manager, Kelly Hernandez. Thank you for being crazy enough to deal with us, at our best and at our worst. For taking a chance on us when we thought no one would. To the entire team at Artifact Records, particularly Irene Frederic, for hearing us, truly, for who we are. To our producer, Douglas Fargo, who helped us make this song what it is. For keeping us in the studio until we had those last _eight seconds_ right.” She shot a quick smirk at Pete, before finding Fargo’s eyes in the audience and giving him a small, blushing wink. She took a deep breath, knowing how important the next few words were going to be, “And lastly, to our families, the people we absolutely _could not_ do this without. Liam, thank you for always being a voice of reason when we need it, for being such a calm center to so much chaos. And particularly, to two final people…” her eyes found Myka and Amanda, willing herself to hold back tears and say what she needed to say, “Ya know when we started this insanity we didn’t have a single idea of what we were doing, but there were two people who never stopped believing in us. Amanda, you put up with far too many nights of loud, crappy music pouring out of your garage, and Myka…you opened up your store, your life to us, you gave us a home. Both of you have been there from day one, loving us and supporting us every day, and I’m pretty sure I speak for all four of us when I say we could not love you more, for your endless support and inspiration and understanding. _Thank you so damn much_. And thank you again to all of you.” Claudia turned to the rest of them, making sure she hadn’t missed anything, and was faced with watery eyes and smiles, telling her she had said everything that could ever be said. They all gave one last wave to the crowd amidst another roar of cheers, which followed them backstage, where they all collapsed against a wall, shock washing over them.

Pete rubbed his hands over his face, nervous smile on his lips, “Holy shit…”

Helena smirked, leaning into his shoulder, “For once Peter, I don’t think I could have said it better myself.”

Claudia beamed, “You know what I’m going to say?”

Steve rolled his eyes, “You don’t have to say it Claud, just get over here. _Group hug_.”

Once again, they were a mass of arms and laughter, trying their best to soak in the moment, the moment that they all knew absolutely, categorically had just changed their lives forever.

**

_Swan House Manor, Colorado Springs, Colorado, April 2012_

Myka pushed a gauzy curtain back from the window with a tip of her finger, gazing out at the absolutely cloudless sky. Her eyes drifted down to the lawn, where people were slowly starting to fill up the rows of chairs that faced the gazebo. Immediately, she caught a glimpse of Helena, head tilted back in laughter, apparently at something Myka’s mother had just said. A small smile came over her face. It was oddly serene, to see Helena like this, alone and yet so seemingly comfortable with her family. She wanted nothing more than to keep watching, to notice every little thing that Helena did, but a loud groan from Pete, pulled her away from the window, turning back to the room, where Pete was tugging fiercely at his tie in the mirror.

She held back a chuckle, “Pete, you’re going to choke yourself.”

He met her eyes in the mirror, fingers continuing to push and pull at the offending piece of fabric around his neck, “I can’t get this _fucking tie_ straight.”

Myka moved behind him, placing gentle hands against his shoulders, “Pete…let me do it.” He turned towards her with a heavy sigh, hands falling to his sides. She gave him a crooked smile, while unknotting his tie, and proceeding to retie it with the benefit of steady fingers, which were not at Pete’s disposal currently. She looked up at him beneath shaded eyelashes, murmuring, “Breathe, Pete.”

He closed his eyes, hand coming up to wipe across his forehead, “I’m trying, trust me.”

Myka adjusted the re-tied knot, and returned her hands to Pete’s shoulders, “Look at me, Lattimer.” Pete’s eyes were slow to meet hers, but he _did_ meet them. She smiled softly, “Deep breath.”

He let out a small chuckle, but proceeded to follow Myka through the breathing exercises that had worked for them on so many occasions. After the third in and out, Myka squeezed his shoulders, “Better?”

“Better.” He turned to look at himself one more time in the mirror, “Do I look ok?”

Myka rose up a bit on her heels, enough to rest her chin against Pete’s shoulder, “You look fantastic. Very dapper.”

“Well, I _always_ look like that,” Pete smirked, but it fell quickly into a look of hesitance, “but do I look like a guy who’s ready to get married?”

“You look one hundred percent like a guy ready to walk down the aisle, trust me.”

Pete gave her a quick nod, “Ok, one more time through the checklist…”

“Absolutely. Do you have your vows?”

Pete patted the inside pocket of his jacket, “Check. Do you have the rings?”

Myka peeked inside the small, drawstring bag dangling from her wrist, “Check. You just need one last thing.” She pulled a small box out of her bag, “I know you think they’re silly and too much, but I couldn’t resist.” Myka cracked open the box to show Pete the cufflinks she had found that were in the shape of crossed drumsticks, “I know, I know, totally corny but…”

“We are totally corny people, Mykes. I love them. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Alright, let’s get them on, and then you’re ready.”

Myka fastened the cuff links in place, and immediately pulled Pete into a tight hug, “You already know what I’m going to say, but I’m going to say it anyway…”

Pete squeezed her tightly, “Let me hear it…”

“I am _so_ proud of you and so ridiculously happy for you.”

“Thanks Mykes, and thank you for standing up there with me. I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” She pulled away from him, hands coming up to brush non-existent lint from his shoulders, pushing once again on his tie knot, “Well, at least I can say I’ve made you presentable.”

Pete chuckled, “Only took you twelve years.”

Myka leaned up and placed a kiss to his cheek, “Love you Lattimer.”

“I love you too Tall Gal.”

Myka took a deep breath, tilting her head back to stop any tears from messing up her makeup, “Ok, let’s go get you married.”

**

“So…how long until this is you and that darling woman who is allowing my husband to twirl her around the dance floor?” 

Myka gave Amanda a sidelong glance, arching an eyebrow, “Since it is your wedding day, I’m going to allow you a modicum of teasing.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, but I’m not teasing.” Amanda bumped against Myka’s shoulder, “Come on…don’t tell me you two haven’t talked about it.”

“Yeah, I mean we have, but mostly in generalities about wanting this _someday_. I don’t think either of us are going out ring shopping anytime soon.”

Amanda smirked, “I really want to ask why the hell not, but since it _is_ my wedding, and since I would like you to not hate me on my wedding day, I will leave it be.”

“I appreciate that. What do you say we go steal them from each other?”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

**

Helena twirled out of Myka’s hold, until she felt Myka’s hand tighten around her own, an indication that she was ready to spin her back in, a motion Helena willingly followed. She returned to the comforting closeness of Myka’s hold, her chin resting against the hand she had clasped around Myka’s shoulder. She turned her head slightly to whisper against Myka’s skin, “Have I mentioned how beautiful you looked today, love? Well, still look that is?”

Myka chuckled softly, “You might have mentioned it a few times.”

“Well, it bears repeating. I am wholly willing to embarrass myself by admitting I had a rather difficult time paying attention during the ceremony. The sun kept catching one of your curls in just the right light…it was rather…distracting. _Breathtaking_ , but distracting.”

Myka willed her knees to not buckle, to maintain her hold around Helena’s waist. She kissed her temple, “Shall I willingly embarrass myself to even out the score here?”

Helena pulled back to flash a teasing grin at Myka, “Oh by all means darling, please do.”

Myka bit her lip slightly, before leaning down to brush a kiss against Helena’s lips, “Though I brushed Amanda off earlier when she asked me about it, I will admit, it’s been very difficult being here, with you, and not imagining the day that this is us.”

“My love, that is possibly the _least embarrassing_ thing I have ever heard, as I will admit…my thoughts strayed in that direction more than once today as well.” 

Myka gave her a quizzical, though hopeful look, “Yeah?”

Absent-mindedly Helena let her fingers dance around the ring on Myka’s middle finger, leaning back to look Myka in the eye more directly, “I believe I have long since bypassed the day Myka when I am embarrassed or shy in admitting that I have a very vivid picture of what our future looks like, and it absolutely includes a day, much like this one. Seeing you up there, it was near impossible for an image not to form.”

Myka pressed a hand to Helena’s hip, pushing her out into another quick twirl before pulling her back in for a kiss that might have been slightly scandalous had anyone been paying them one bit of attention. When Myka pulled away, she whispered, “I wish I could explain to you how insanely happy you make me Helena.”

Helena blushed, “I’m fairly certain that kiss might have explained it for you darling.”

Myka gave her a teasing grin, “Is that you complaining?”

“Not for one bloody second. However,” Helena gave her an incredulous look, “I would remind you that your mother is here, and, well, I’d like to maintain my current standing and image with her.”

“What? The one where she thinks you are completely sweet and totally innocent?”

“Yes, that one precisely. I can’t have you tainting my reputation.”

Myka shook her head, “No…we certainly couldn’t have that.” She lowered her lips once again to Helena’s, “However, I also, somehow, am incapable of stopping kissing you, so…”

Helena smirked against Myka’s lips, “Reputation be damned…”

“Exactly.”

A wolf whistle broke into their temporary bubble of solace, Pete’s voice echoing into Myka’s ear from where he and Amanda had moved to dance next to them, “Look at Mykes…getting’ her _groove_ on.”

“Oh my God…” Myka groaned, head falling against Helena’s shoulder, “Ok, my mother and your reputation are not a deterrent, but avoiding any more of _those_ comments sure as hell is.”

Helena chuckled, “Is that you telling me I’ve had my last kiss for the evening darling?”

“ _Maybe_ …”

Amanda leaned over to them, “All I have to say to that is yeah fucking right.”

“Lovely Amanda…really, truly lovely,” Myka grinned.

“And _that_ ladies and gentleman is _my wife_!” Pete beamed.

Amanda shrugged and held Pete a bit tighter, “Tell me it’s not true, and I’ll remain silent the rest of the night.”

Myka let out another groan and twirled Helena slightly further away from Pete and Amanda. Amanda’s lilting laughter followed them, “Thank you for proving my point dearest!”

“Oh hush, dance with your husband and leave me be woman,” Myka shot over her shoulder with a wink.

Helena chuckled ,”God…just imagine what they’ll be like at our wedding.”

Laughter bubbled out of Myka’s lungs, free and content, “I do not even want to think about that.” The music slowed a bit, and Myka instinctively held Helena closer, suddenly overwhelmed with how much she loved that this was something they were just talking about without hesitation, without worry, without embarrassment. 

Helena’s voice trickled into her ears, soft and a bit breathless, “Love me?”

Myka smiled against her temple, leaving a kiss there before answering, “Always.”

**

_Hernandez & Dupres Agency, Colorado Springs, late May 2012_

Kelly pressed the stop button on the remote, dousing her office into an unanticipated semi-darkness. She sat there for the briefest of moments, letting the last few minutes sink in, giving them all a chance to process with the anonymity of the quiet and the dark. Eventually, she pushed back from her desk, reaching behind her for the light switch, watching them all blink themselves into the light. Her eyes roamed from one face to another, “So…what do you think?”

“I think I didn’t expect it to be _exactly_ what we asked for.” Claudia gave them all an excited grin, “I mean that was fucking awesome.”

“Somehow...they managed to just _get_ us,” Steve observed.

“All I did was give them what you gave me, and this is what they brought me, so if anything that says to me that you guys know who you are and exactly how you want to present that on stage, and that is a huge step to be at right before a tour. These video packages? They are simply just a reflection of what you guys put into your music. They’re going to help your audience connect with who you are, and the fact that you’re willing to put some of your own personal pictures in there helps. Personally, when I first saw them, I thought they were perfect, so I’m glad you guys agree.” Kelly slid them a stack of papers across the desk, “There is a picture of what the final stage setup looks like, and a finalized copy of the schedule, complete with hotel info, travel plans, and breaks. That is going to be your lifeline the next three months…”

“Oh God, I am going to need like eight copies of this,” Pete groaned.

Helena tapped him on the knee, with a wink, “I’ll keep yours for you.”

“Oh geez, _thanks Mom_ …”

Helena gave him an incredulous look, “You’re the one that said it, _and_ tell me you won’t lose that well before we leave on Saturday.”

“Yeah well…ok, that’s all I’ve got. Moving on!” Pete smirked.

Kelly gave them all a teasing, light smile, “I don’t really have much else. The videos are done, and have already been sent out to the venues with the setlist and the setup info, which is something that you guys _do not_ have to worry about. The schedule is set. The stage guys have the setup down pat.” Kelly flipped through the packet of papers she had given them, “Oh! Pete there is also a list in there of the meetings you asked about. There’s a schedule in there based on the cities we’ll be in and how close by they are.”

Pete gave her a sheepish, though immensely grateful smile, “Thank you Kel. I appreciate that, a lot.”

“Not a problem. You all know that I am here for that type of stuff, whatever you need, I will take care of it. The most important thing to me over the next three months is that you guys are healthy, sane, and happy. I cannot say it enough, _talk to me_ , if there’s something that feels off, if you’re just not feeling it, whatever it is, I want you guys to make sure you know that I’m here, for all of that. This will not work if you guys shut me out, or try to deal with any of this on your own. This whole thing is going to be new and overwhelming and crazy, so there are going to be days when you can’t stand each other, when you can’t stand me, and when you just want to do this forever. I’m here for that roller coaster.” She let her gaze fall on each of them, seeking assurance in each set of eyes that they _got it_ , that they knew she was there. They all gave her small nods of assent which sent a flood of calm into her system. She smiled brightly, “Ok then, all that’s left to do is for you guys to pack and for the love of God _rest_. You have nothing else to do this week. I will take care of the last minute stuff. I want you guys to take the next four days to sleep, relax, spend time with your families, _do not practice_. You guys are ready, you are _so_ ready for this. The next three months are going to be crazy, so take this week and just _enjoy_ it.”

**

_Myka & Helena’s, Colorado Springs, Tuesday, May 29, 2012 (Tuesday before the tour begins)_

Ethan turned wide eyes up to Helena from where he sat on her lap, his voice laced with confusion, “So…I won’t see you for a long time?”

A pang echoed around Helena’s chest. She felt hollow, like everyone in the room could hear the way her heart was stuttering inside her chest as it beat senselessly against the emptiness. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, knowing that breaking down in front of Ethan would not help the situation at all, “It won’t be that long, Peanut.”

Ethan’s fingers absent-mindedly tugged on a strand of her hair, “But you said that you probably won’t see me all summer. _That’s_ a long time, Aunt Elephant.”

“I know it is darling.”

“Why?”

A small sigh escaped Tracy’s lips from where she sat at the other end of the couch, “Bug, we told you, Aunt Elephant has to work this summer.”

Helena gave her a small glance, mouthing, “It’s ok.” They’d been through this multiple times through the course of the night. Ethan questioning why this summer wasn’t going to be like _last_ summer, why she and Myka wouldn’t be able to visit all the time. She scratched a hand through his curls, “I have to go on a big trip this summer Peanut, with Aunt Claudia and Uncle Pete. Remember how you’ve heard us sing on the radio?”

Ethan nodded vigorously, “Uh huh.”

“Well, we have to go sing that song for lots of people this summer.”

“Is Aunt Monkey going with you?”

Helena felt certain that now her heart was simply not capable of functioning. She said a small word of thanks that she couldn’t see Myka’s reaction to the question, because if she could, she knew she probably wouldn’t have been able to keep it together, “No, Peanut, she’s not. She has to stay here and work.”

“Oh…that stinks…”

Watery chuckles filtered through the living room from all of them. Helena sighed, leave it to the five year old to sum things up so succinctly, “Yes, yes it does.”

Suddenly, Ethan’s arms were tight around Helena’s neck, his voice muffled against her hair, “I’m going to miss you…”

The tears Helena had been holding back finally started to fall as she pulled him tighter into her arms, “I’m going to miss you too Peanut… _so much_.” Ethan was muttering more words, but Helena didn’t quite catch them, her ear more attuned to the sound of Myka’s footsteps rushing upstairs, and the very distinct snap of their bedroom door closing.

**

_Pike’s Peak Coffee, Colorado Springs, Wednesday, May 30, 2012 (Wednesday before the tour begins)_

Pete rubbed nervous hands against his thighs, “God this is _weird_ , it’s _weird_ , right?”

Myka shot him a glance over the top of her glasses, “We’re having coffee, in a place we’ve had coffee for _years_. I wouldn’t exactly call that weird, Pete.” Pete gave another push of his hands against his jeans. Myka could feel the slight vibration of the floorboards under the unwavering jiggling of Pete’s leg. She reached a hand out under the table to his knee, stilling it instantly, “Should I halt your caffeine intake, because I’m fairly certain you’re very close to toppling this table over with all your wiggling.”

All of Pete’s muscles visibly unclenched, his body suddenly lose and limp against his chair, “I just...like I said, I feel _weird_.”

“Ok, maybe if you _explain_ the weird a little bit, I’ll get it.”

Pete’s unsettled nature once again betrayed itself in the swipe of his hand across the back of his neck, “It’s just this situation has always been the other way around. Usually, it’s me sitting across from you giving _you_ the pre-tour pep talk, talking down your nerves, and telling you how everything is going to be ok. It’s _weird_ , Mykes. I mean, Jesus, if _this_ is how you felt all those times before you left, then I did not take that seriously enough.”

A small chuckle escaped Myka’s lips, “You were always the absolute right amount of serious in these situations, Pete. And yes, it did feel like this, I was this nervous, but trust me, I have a whole hell of a lot more faith in your ability to deal with this, than I did in my own.”

“It’s just…damn…it’s _a lot_ , and I am completely pumped, but…”

Myka reached out a steadying hand to Pete’s, which was busy wildly gesturing with no point or purpose to the movement, “Pete.” She didn’t continue until she caught his eye. When she did, she gave him a small smile, accompanied with a squeeze to his hand, “This will be a whole lot easier if you remember that this is _me_ you’re talking to and that you don’t have to bullshit me about what all of this,” she gestured a hand around his entire, jumpy aura, “actually is about.”

Pete gave what she thought might have been a sniffle, but when he looked at her, his eyes were clear, “I’m going to be away from my process, Mykes.”

She nodded slowly, “I know you are…”

“For years, I have had a process, a process that includes Amanda and you and coffee and meetings and some semblance of _routine_. I haven’t been out of that process in a long time, and what if once I’m out of that process I collapse? What if I go out after a show and I just _fall_?”

A pulse went off inside of Myka’s brain, a mantra that resounded over and over again telling her, _“Do not show your worry. Do not show your worry.”_ She didn’t want Pete to know that she worried about the same thing, that a part of her was terrified that the insanity of a tour would be a big enough push to throw him out of whack, and thus off the wagon. She didn’t want him to think for one second that she didn’t have faith in him, because she did, but she was still going to worry. That was simply something he didn’t need to know. She adjusted her hand to link their fingers together, “Pete…I wish, more than anything that I could tell you that that’s not going to happen, but a promise like that…I won’t do it, because I feel like it makes it seem like it’s not hard, that it’s not something you fight every day. The thing is though, I whole-heartedly believe that you can do this.”

Pete gave her a pained look, “Are you really telling me you’re not worried?”

 _Dammit_. Myka realized she should have known better than to think that Pete wouldn’t know exactly what she was thinking and that he wouldn’t have the gumption to just say it. She sighed, wishing the answer would just be easy, “I could lie to you and say that I’m not, but, of course I am. _Not_ because I think it’s going to happen, but because I love you, and I worry about you _all the time_. I know how life on the road is, it’s crazy and it’s stressful and it’s tempting as hell, but Pete the thing that trumps every ounce of worry that I have is my faith in you. I have been with you through every step of this, and so while, yes I am going to worry, I also know that you are stubborn as hell, and you will fight like fuck to not slip.”

Pete couldn’t help laughing, “My Mykes and her way with words.”

“Just have to make sure you’re paying attention,” Myka shot him a wink. “The thing is Pete, while it _is_ going to be different, your process will still be there. You will talk to Amanda, every day. You will Skype and Face Time and all of that. You’ll do the same with me. If you want to, we can figure out a way that we have coffee with our computers in front of us. Plus, don’t forget that you do have Claud _and_ Steve _and_ Helena. They will be there Pete, for whatever you need, you know that. You said Kelly gave you a list of meetings, right?” He nodded. “Ok, then there’s your process, it’s just a little skewed. Amanda and I, even though we can’t be _there_ , will be _there_ , I promise.”

Pete squeezed her hand, swallowing back the lump that had risen up in his throat, “Jesus…I’m going to miss you.”

Myka gave a watery chuckle, “I’m sure you won’t miss my lecturing.”

“I’m serious Mykes. I am going to miss you, so damn much.”

Myka nodded, tears slipping along her jaw, “I know…I’m going to miss you too.” She sighed, wiping away her tears, with a laugh, “Come on, we can’t do this. It’s not like we haven’t done this before. We have survived plenty of tours Lattimer, we’ll be ok.”

Pete coughed a bit, trying to cover his own tears, “Yeah, yeah, I know.” He gave her a scrutinizing look, “What about you? Are you going to be ok?”

“Me? Sure.”

“Mykes…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m going to be fine. I have plenty of work to keep me busy. Amanda and I have already talked about making sure we see each other as much as possible. I’ll be good.”

Pete gave a light scoff, “You’re trying to make _me_ not worry.”

“Is it working?”

“Not for one fucking second.”

Myka chuckled, “I should have known better.” She sighed, “I don’t know Pete. I’m _trying_ not to worry about it, but, I mean, _of course_ , I’m worried. We’ve never been apart this long, and we haven’t exactly handled the distance well so far, and I don’t know…I’m not sure I am even capable of processing how much I’m going to miss her.”

“You _do_ realize that that feeling is entirely mutual, right?”

“I know…I just…I am worried about so many things that if I start naming them, we might never leave.”

Pete gave her a soft smile, “Mykes, I’m just going to say that obnoxious, way too honest thing ok?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I would not expect anything else.”

“H.G. is not Sam. Even if she loves being on tour, that changes nothing between you two. Even if she loves being on tour, that does not mean she isn’t also going to be wishing the entire time that she’s home with you. You are it for her, Mykes, you have to remember that.”

Myka gave him a hesitant look before letting out a deep sigh, “I could give you all sorts of comebacks to that, but I won’t, because deep down _I know_ those things. I might just need you to keep reminding me of them for the next three months.”

“I can do that. _I will_ do that. You and me? We always have each other’s backs. You know that.”

“I know, and I love you to death for that.”

Pete gave her hand one last squeeze, “Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”

**

Myka came home to what distinctly felt like an empty house, despite the lights on in the living room and the faint hint of music filtering down from the bedroom. “Might as well get used to it,” she mumbled to herself, all the while acknowledging deep down that self-pity would be the last possible thing to help her get through the next couple of days. “Helena?” she called up the stairs, frustrated that her voice seemed a bit tense. She was tired though; coffee with Pete had drummed up more emotion that she was truly planning on, and it had forced her to confront things she had simply been trying to avoid all week. The music she had been hearing came to a halt, only to be replaced by Helena’s feet on the staircase. When she emerged, Myka felt confusion crawl across her face, “You’re dressed up…”

Helena’s eyes didn’t meet hers, as she pulled her jacket from the closet, “I’m going out to dinner with Leena this evening, remember?”

Helena’s voice sounded just as laced with tension, as her own had earlier. Myka palmed her forehead, “Right, right, I totally forgot.” Her eyes stole down to her watch, “God, I didn’t realize how late it was. Pete and I got a bit…caught up…” she swallowed down the rest of her words, no need to go into how Pete had kept her for another hour at the coffee shop, pulling out every last worry she had in her about how the next three months were going to go.

Helena zipped her jacket, still unable to quite make eye contact with Myka, “It’s fine.” The sound of a car pulling into the driveway, pulled both of their attention. Helena sighed, “That will be Leena, I need to go.”

Myka reached out for Helena’s hand, “Helena…”

“Myka, it’s fine.”

Myka scoffed, “Something is clearly _not_ fine. You won’t even look at me.”

Helena’s teeth chased over her bottom lip, “Leena is waiting for me, and you need to get ready, otherwise you’re going to be late to the Regents.”

Myka shook her head, “I don’t have to go tonight. I can stay here, that way when you get home…”

Helena’s voice was sharp, cold; a clear indication that whatever conversation they might be on the verge of was not going to happen, “Vanessa will be expecting you, and you don’t need to sit here just waiting for me.”

Myka’s mouth gaped open, words dangling on her tongue, words like how that’s all she’d be doing all summer, how she should get used to waiting, but thankfully, through sheer force of will she was able to bite them back. She shoved her hands into her back pockets, “You’re right, which means I should probably get ready. You need to go, Leena’s waiting.”

Helena seemed to almost hesitate, before letting out a strangled sigh and leaving the barest hint of a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “I’ll see you later.” The door had closed behind her before Myka even had a chance to respond.

**

Usually, the kids who showed up at the Regents ill-prepared and rattling with enough nerves to give their voices a permanent vibrato garnered sympathy from Myka. Usually, they drummed up in her memories from when she was the same way, and so she was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, not write them off completely as hopeless. _Usually_. Tonight however, found her with the thinnest shred of patience possible for any of it. Even the acts that were decent, that were brimming with potential tugged at her nerves, because she knew she should be paying attention, and when she realized she wasn’t, all it did was cause more frustration to prick along her skin. As she watched another act prepare to set up, her fingers reached, once again, for her phone. She clicked the screen alive, only to be met with absolutely nothing. No missed calls. No texts. Not one single thing. For what felt like the hundredth time that night, she let it clatter against the table, as she took a longer pull from her beer. A tap against her shoulder drew her momentary attention, Vanessa’s voice breaking into her tiny bubble of frustrated silence, “A watched phone never rings dearest…”

“Oh thank…”

“ _But_ sometimes, an unwatched door tends to open,” Vanessa cut across her, before disappearing back behind the bar as though she had never been there.

Myka turned towards the door so quickly that her table rattled under the sudden movement, causing her beer to wobble precariously. She reached out a hand to steady it, eyes never leaving the path that Helena was tracking through the café towards her table. She wasn’t sure if she was grateful, relieved, or oddly frustrated by Helena’s appearance, but she didn’t have time to decide, because Helena was sinking into a chair next to her, looking like a catastrophic combination of pissed off, lonely, and worried. 

Helena scooted her chair imperceptibly closer to Myka’s, who draped a tentative arm across the back of it, hand curling around Helena’s shoulder. Helena didn’t shy away from the touch, but she didn’t sink into it either. Myka let out a ghost of a breath, “I thought you were at dinner?”

Helena’s eyes remained fixed on the stage, though one of her hands adjusted under the table to rest against Myka’s knee, “I _was_ , however, I chose to have Leena drop me off here, rather than at home.”

“Why?” Myka asked, her voice rough with suppressed emotion.

Helena turned her head ever so slightly, shooting Myka a sidelong glance, the barest hint of a smile on her lips, “It’s Wednesday…”

Myka’s frustration ebbed away on the wave of Helena’s response, leaving behind only a shallow sense of sadness, “Which means I’m the one who should drive you home…”

“So I’ve been told.”

Myka gave Helena’s shoulder a tiny squeeze, “Helena…”

Helena finally turned towards her fully, eyes shining with unshed tears, which Myka could tell she was barely containing, “Myka, I don’t want to do this here. _Please_. Can we just sit here and listen to the rest of the set together, and then go home?”

“Of course,” Myka leaned forward and kissed her temple, thankful that after she did, Helena willingly sank into her hold, head instinctively falling against her shoulder, fingers tightening against her knee.

**

As the last act unplugged his guitar, making his way offstage, Myka wrote down a few last notes before tearing the sheet out of her notebook and tugging Helena up and away from the table. Helena’s voice whispered into her ear, “Don’t you need to stay and talk to Vanessa?”

Myka shot her an almost heated look over her shoulder, “Not tonight.” Myka moved next to Vanessa where she sat at the bar, and slid the paper towards her, “Here are my notes from tonight. Maybe we can do lunch next week? Go over them then?”

When Vanessa met Myka’s eyes, they were silently pleading with her to give an immediate assent to the plan. Her gaze tracked over Myka’s shoulder to Helena, whose eyes were rooted to the floor, uncertainty, maybe a bit of hurt, radiating off of her. She patted a hand against Myka’s forearm where it rested on the bar, “Of course, whatever works for you. Just get home safe, ok?”

Myka gave her a short nod, before reconsidering and leaning down quickly to place a kiss to Vanessa’s cheek, whispering, “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome dear one.”

Myka turned back to Helena, her shoulders shifting with a sigh, “Home?”

Helena nodded slowly and pulled them towards the door. 

Their drive home was weighted with silence, neither of them quite sure what to say, or whether they _should_ say something. They both were painfully aware that they had failed miserably at managing this week, these last few precious days together; that they had let stress and worry and panic override their need to simply spend time together, soaking up every last second they had. Myka’s ears were ringing from the silence, her mouth opening and closing more times than she could count, each time always closing it with a sigh, as she sank further into dejection. The only source of hope she clung to was the fact that Helena’s hand hadn’t left hers, that their fingers remained entwined atop the gear shift up until the moment they pulled into the driveway and Myka needed to put the car in park. 

Myka had half expected the silence to break once they were within the familiar confines of home, but all she was met with was Helena dropping her hand, tugging off her jacket, and murmuring, “I’m going to go get into my pajamas.”

Myka’s head sagged, her voice laced with hopelessness, “Yeah…ok.” As Helena’s footsteps echoed up the staircase, Myka’s carried her over to the stereo case in the corner, absent-mindedly flipping on the radio, her mind craving any ounce of distraction she could find, any sort of sound to drown out the _silence_. She adjusted the volume, and allowed herself to sink onto the piano bench, fingers instinctively rising to the keys without purpose, her eyes meeting her reflection in the window, hollow, empty. 

Into the far reaches of her distraction, the radio pulled at Myka’s attention. Her ear picking up the familiar tones, her fingers tracing over the familiar rhythms. She let out a self-deprecating chuckle, “Might as well just play it,” she mumbled to herself. Her fingers fell firmer against the keys, pulsing out the quick succession of sixteenth notes, her body relaxing against the repetition, allowing her to get lost in the sound, in the feel of her keys beneath her skin, smooth and cool. Part of her was surprised she even remembered how to play this song, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had heard it. If she was being completely honest, by the time the lyrics started she was so lost in the pace that she barely noticed that she had began singing along with the radio, sounding a bit desperate, a bit more longing than she ever would have intended.

_“And I would do anything for love…I’d run right into hell and back…I would do anything for love…I’d never lie to you and that’s a fact…but I’ll never forget the way you feel right now…oh no, no way…and I would do anything for love…oh I would do anything for love…I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that…no I won’t do that…”_

As the tempo accelerated, Myka’s fingers were flashes against the keys, finding the right amount of driving rhythm to just keep up with the radio, despite playing notes that were having to be dredged up from the far recesses of her mind. The echo of the drums in the speakers pushed her forward, willing herself to remember, to just _play_. She played through the first verse, swallowing down the emotion that was welling in her throat until she felt more sure of her voice.

_“And maybe I’m crazy oh it’s crazy and it’s true…I know you can save me…no one else can save me now but you…as long as the planets are turning…as long as the stars are burning…as long as your dreams are coming true…you’d better believe it…that I would do anything for love…”_

She kept finding herself unable to keep up, to keep going, ghosts of the last few days chasing after her and reminding her that there was more to this than anything that a song could _fix_. A song couldn’t help them handle their impending separation. Her voice wasn’t going to be able to change the fact that they had wasted the last two days. Music wasn’t going to make all of their worries just float away, no matter how much she desperately wanted it to, but that reality wasn’t going to keep her from trying. Especially not when, as her eyes gazed up from the keys and towards the window once again, she found Helena, reclining against the wall of the staircase, with a look on her face that was willing Myka to just keep singing. Myka kept her eyes fixed on the reflection, letting her voice rise up once again.

_“And maybe I’m lonely…that’s all I’m qualified to be…there’s just one and only…one and only promise I can keep…as long as the wheels are turning…as long as the fires are burning…as long as your prayers are comin’ true…you better believe it…that I would do anything for love…and you know it’s true and that’s a fact…I would do anything for love…and there’ll never be no turning back…”_

Myka’s fingers moved of their own volition, racing through the speeding tempo, eyes never leaving Helena’s, not even when she started down the stairs. Myka followed her until she was sitting right next to her, her hip nestled against her own, the waft of soap and vanilla hitting Myka’s nostrils like a breath of fresh air. A breath of fresh air that was gone the instant she felt Helena pull in her own sharp intake of breath, signaling that things were shifting, that it was now her turn. Myka couldn’t take her eyes off of her, and thankfully Helena met her gaze full on, even as she opened her mouth to sing.

_“Would you raise me up…would you help me down…will you get me right out of this godforsaken town…will you make it all a little less cold?”_

Myka’s lips quirked in a small smile, singing the immediate response.

_“I can do that…oh I can do that.”_

Helena’s entire body language seemed freer, like something was finally, finally lifting.

_“Will you hold me sacred…will you hold me tight..can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white…can you make it all a little less old?”_

Myka tilted her forehead to rest a bit against Helena’s, her fingers never losing their step on the keys.

_“I can do that…oh I can do that.”_

Helena’s breath pulsed over her skin, her words vibrating in their small shared space.

_“Will you make me some magic with your own two hands…will you build an emerald city with these grains of sand…can you give me something I can take home?”_

Myka felt tears creep into her eyes. Home was something that was going to change so much in the next few days, for both of them.

_“I can do that…oh I can do that.”_

Helena pulled away just slightly, a glint flashing in her eye, a smirk tugging at her lips, knowing the words that were coming, their implication, their level of heat.

_“Will you cater to every fantasy I’ve got…will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot…will you take me places I’ve never known?”_

Myka almost chuckled at the arched eyebrow Helena shot her, as she responded.

_“Now I can do that…”_

Helena’s fingers came up to rest against Myka’s where they tried for a few more fruitless seconds to continue to move over the keys, until they finally stilled under the pressure, the heat of Helena’s. They let the music continue without them, their breath crossing each other’s skin as their foreheads came to rest against each other again. 

Helena was the first to break the silence with a soft, pained chuckle, “We really haven’t been doing this very well have we?”

Myka’s lips twitched in a sad sort of smile, “Not really, no.”

Helena sat back, eyes finding Myka’s, “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. I know how much you needed that time with Pete…I just…”

“You just feel like we’ve seen more of other people than each other this week?” Myka asked with a hint of a smile. 

Helena groaned around a sigh, “Yes…exactly.”

“Trust me. I get it. I absolutely get it. It’s kind of been one thing after another this week, and it’s not that it hasn’t been things we both needed, me with Pete, you with Leena, Tracy and Ethan coming over last night…it just hasn’t left much time for _us_.”

Helena brought a thumb up to flick away tears from the corner of her eye, “I think it’s been easier to focus on all those other things, rather than admit what’s coming.” She rolled her eyes, “Which is utterly ridiculous because by denying it, we have completely _wasted_ some of our last days together.”

“I’ll admit, I knew this was going to be hard. I just didn’t expect it to feel like this…”

Helena sighed, “I know love. I just wish there was some way to make this easier.”

Myka placed a palm against Helena’s cheek, giving her a bit of a teasing smile, “I really don’t think that’s possible Swagger.”

“Wishful thinking, I suppose.” Helena leaned forward, letting her head rest against Myka’s shoulder, “Should we talk about this? All the worries that are just hovering over us like some ominous unknown we’re trying to avoid?”

“Probably, though I’m fairly certain they will be nothing either of us don’t already know.”

“Well,” Helena smirked, “you know how much we do love our talking.”

“That’s true.” Myka tugged on Helena’s hand, drawing her away from the piano and towards the couch, where they settled onto it, lying down face to face, hands still entwined and resting against Myka’s hip. Myka took a deep breath, “So, why don’t we mix up this whole talking thing a bit? At this point, I feel like we both know what the other is going to say, so why don’t I say what I think you’re worried about and you tell me what you think I’m worried about and we go from there?”

Helena rolled her eyes a bit, “You are ridiculous, but sure.”

Myka grinned, “I am ridiculous, but you have to deal with it. Ok, I think you’re worried that once you leave and all of this happens, that all of my fears from last year are going to come roaring back. I think you’re worried I’m going to run if you miss a couple of phone calls or you get busy. I think you’re worried I’m going to realize this is more chaos than I want to deal with.”

Tears slipped down Helena’s cheeks, but she didn’t bother brushing them away, “That is a very accurate description.”

Myka nudged Helena’s knee with her own, “Your turn.”

Helena took a shaky breath, “I think you’re worried that I’m going to do to you what Sam did, and I’m sorry that I’m saying that so bluntly, but I think deep down that’s what it is. You’re worried I’m going to sink into this life so much that I forget about you, about us, about the life we want together. You’re worried I’m going to drift away from you, that someone will pull me away, that I will choose this life over us.”

Myka’s own tears began in earnest, “Ok, well at least we’ve established we know each other far too well.”

“Something else I think we knew already love.”

“Indeed. Ok,” Myka closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, before reopening them and taking in Helena’s determined, albeit worried, stare, “over the last year and a half you have shown me that I don’t need to run, Helena, that I have no reason to run, because whether you’re here or there, you’re always _here_. I know that life on the road is crazy, and so I know that no matter how much we try and plan there will be missed calls and busy days, and I can’t promise you that I won’t, on occasion, react poorly to that, but what I _can_ promise you, is that I’m not leaving. I will say it for the thousandth time, with you and me, the chaos never gets to win.”

Helena shifted to place a small kiss against Myka’s lips, “ _My turn_. Myka, nothing in this world could make me forget about you, could make me not want this life, right here, just like this. I will not deny that I _am_ excited to do this, _however_ , that does not mean that I don’t want _this_ too. It doesn’t mean that every night I’m not going to be wishing I was climbing into our bed, in our house, with you. You, Myka Bering, are all I want, and nothing and _no one_ is going to change that.”

“God…I’m going to miss you.”

“And I’m going to miss you too my love, every second of every day.” Helena’s breath left her lungs with a shiver, “Do you think we can do this?”

“I do. I know it’s going to be hard, but I really think we’ve got this. You guys are going to go out there and take this country by storm, and you are going to be amazing, and before one of us collapses each night, we’ll talk about how amazing it’s been.”

Helena placed a palm against Myka’s cheek, “I love you.”

Myka turned her head slightly to place a kiss to Helena’s palm, “I love you too Swagger.”

Helena bit the corner of her lip, “I know this is going to sound a bit irrational, but can we make a pact about something?”

Myka gave her a questioning look, “Sure?”

“Since we are both well aware that somewhere along the line over the next three months we will most likely hit some sort of…difficulty…can we make a pact to not let it linger and boil beneath the surface, but to just talk about it? Right up front?”

“I think that sounds like a pretty good deal to make. Part of me worries that between the two of us we will manage to screw it up a little bit, but I think it’s a good goal to strive for.”

“I agree.” Helena gave Myka a small nod and then settled into her shoulder, reveling in the tight hold Myka wrapped her in. As she felt herself starting to drift off, she stirred, whispering, “We should go to bed love, you have an early day tomorrow.”

Myka’s hold tightened, “No I don’t.”

Helena pulled back with a curious look, “I can’t tell if that’s your joking denial tone or if that’s you being serious.”

Myka smiled softly, “I’m being serious. After you left earlier…I texted Sally and Philip and asked them if we could bump our session.”

“Myka you didn’t need to…”

“ _Yes_ , I did. I know we have Friday planned for just us, but that’s not enough. It’s not _nearly_ enough, and two days isn’t enough either, but it’s what we’ve got, so I shifted my schedule. Tomorrow, I am all yours. Which means no alarms, no phone calls, nothing.” Helena shifted and kissed Myka swiftly, long and a bit hard. When she pulled back, Myka was winded, her cheeks awash with a warm blush. She chuckled, “I’ll take that as you approving of that plan?”

Helena kissed her again, “Absolutely.”

“Good.” Myka resettled them against the couch, holding Helena tightly to her, perfectly content to fall asleep just like this, curled together, limbs tangled, not an inch of space between them. 

Eventually, Myka felt Helena’s lips moving against her neck, the words a bit muffled as she talked, “Can I ask you something?”

Myka kissed her head, “Anything.”

“What is the one thing you wouldn’t do? For love that is?”

Myka’s laughter warmed her chest, “Are you seriously asking me to analyze a Meatloaf song?”

Helena’s body shook with her own laughter, “Maybe…”

“Well,” Myka took a deep breath, “for a long time, the answer to that question would be that I’d do anything but fall in love with another musician.”

Helena’s eyebrows crinkled against Myka’s jaw, “You only hang out with musicians darling.”

“I know…”

“So, if that was your long time ago answer. What’s your answer now?”

Myka adjusted her hand to tuck her fingers under Helena’s chin, tipping her head up to meet her gaze, “Now? I’d do anything other than letting you go.”

Helena’s smile was soft, warm, though a bit sad, knowing that in two days, that’s exactly what Myka had to do, what they both had to do. She kissed the underside of Myka’s jaw before resettling into Myka’s shoulder, letting Myka’s steady breathing lull her to sleep. Instinctively, she curled an arm tighter around Myka’s back, willing herself to forget that she only had two more days of this. Two more days…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the tour begins...I'm almost as worried as Myka and Helena.


	20. Eavesdrop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour begins...but first Helena and Myka have to get through their last day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first half of the tour! The tour was originally meant to just be one chapter, but then I extended some stuff before Helena left so here we are. Part two is in the works...
> 
> The song for this chapter is from The Civil Wars
> 
> Enjoy! (And forgive me for the ridiculous amount of words that are about to come your way)

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, Friday, May 31, 2012 (Friday before tour begins)_

One of the unexpected pitfalls of buying a house in November was that it didn’t give Myka and Helena the _proper perspective_ when it came to having a skylight right above their bed. Each time that they had looked at the house, it had been cloudy, the skies threatening snow, and so their future bedroom had been bathed in a kind of darkened, ethereal _homey-ness_. However, once winter had given itself over the inevitable cloudless, blue skies of spring, Helena quickly realized that a skylight, without any sort of remote controlled shade was… _problematic_. Myka had teased her mercilessly for her inability to simply _sleep through_ the sunlight, and Helena had put on her most affected British air and reminded her that she was naturally built for rain-slicked skies and everything _grey_. 

Without fail, those conversations always led to Myka throwing the covers over their heads and settling herself over Helena, all in an alleged effort to keep Helena out of the “godforsaken sunlight.” In those moments, Helena would smirk and roll them over, whispering against Myka’s neck that if this was what the sunlight brought, it was in her best interests to never stop complaining about it. And so it happened, that the next time the sun woke her earlier than her alarm, the conversation would start itself all over, and when Helena was feeling particularly _irked_ with the sun, usually after late nights that should have come with the promise of late mornings, she would declare that she would work her engineering magic on “that damn thing” and get a shade installed. Myka would always, without fail, laugh and attempt to smooth away the frustrated furrows on Helena’s forehead with fingertips and kisses, telling her she could work whatever engineering magic she’d like, _after_ Myka had worked other kinds of magic to begin their day.

This particular morning though, as the sunlight glared between her eyelids, coaxing her a little less than gently from sleep, Helena decided that maybe, for once, she didn’t mind the sun and its tireless efforts to keep her sleep deprived, because it afforded her a few, quiet, peaceful moments to simply _soak in_ everything about her life right at that exact moment. She squinted her eyes in an effort to acclimate to the sudden, jarring brightness, fighting back the usual swell of grumblings in her throat. All of those potential thoughts of frustration died away once she turned her head to the left, her eyes falling across Myka who was curled up next to her, still blissfully gripped in the depths of sleep. Helena had shifted out of Myka’s firm hold sometime in the night, but it hadn’t kept Myka’s arms from still seeking her out, craving any form of contact. Helena took a deep breath, reveling in the feeling of the arm Myka had draped across her stomach rising and falling with the movement of her lungs. This morning she decided she didn’t mind that she was awake and that Myka was somehow able to sleep through absolutely _anything_. She didn’t mind this time, these minutes, to watch the way the indefatigable _sunlight_ shone just right over their bed to filter through Myka’s curls, bringing out the small hints of red that were only noticeable at certain angles. The way that the rays of light danced different shapes and angles over the curve of Myka’s neck, the way they doused the dip of her collarbones in shadow. The way that somehow, some way, this usually so infuriating sunlight managed to make Myka all the more beautiful for its presence above their bed. Helena fought back the urge to turn and dip her head to chase those shadows and lights with her lips, still unwilling to lose this moment that suddenly felt so precious because of the realization that tomorrow morning and for many mornings after that, _this_ would not be the view that she woke up to. 

Synapses started firing in her brain, triggering the urge to memorize everything around her, everything about Myka, about their room, about how this _felt_ , to wake up at _home_ , wrapped up in the person she loved. Her eyes drank in the patterns of the freckles that decorated Myka’s bare shoulders, the way that sometimes her lips quirked up in the faintest hint of a smile as she slept. Her ears filled with the soft, though determined, lilt of the birds who had taken up permanent residence in the catalpa tree outside their bedroom window. She knew she was being overly sentimental, that being on the road was not going to make her suddenly forget the pictures that were hanging on their wall, or the way that Myka kept a small, ever rotating, stack of books on her dresser, reserving the space especial for those that she had particularly loved that year, or even the color of their walls, the soft, light green that made the room feel simultaneously warm and cozy yet also open. She _knew_ she would carry each thought with her, but there was an irrational part of her that feared that if she was gone, it would disappear. 

A small pulse of pressure that was the tips of Myka’s fingers flexing around her waist, pulled her from her reflections. She turned her head just in time to catch Myka’s eyes starting to flicker open, going through their own ritual for processing and adjusting to the sunlight. Myka met her gaze for the barest of moments before closing her eyes again with a sigh and pulling Helena closer, burying her head against Helena’s shoulder. Helena settled down further against her pillows, resting her head against Myka’s, leaving the faintest of kisses the crown of her head. 

They stayed like that, in the quiet, in the sunlight, for what could have been hours for all Helena could tell, until Myka’s voice came out mumbled, her lips ghosting against Helena’s skin, “How am I not being subjected to the usual, ‘damn the sunlight,’ conversation, right now?”

Laughter bubbled out of Helena’s throat, “I’ve decided to grant it a momentary pardon this morning.”

Myka chuckled, “Why? Because it is so bright in here, _I_ am even considering registering my own complaint for once.”

Helena pressed another kiss to Myka’s head, “It’s just allowed me to have a rather pleasant morning is all.”

Myka tilted her head up slightly, “How long have you been up and what on earth have you been doing?”

Helena smiled softly, “Not that long, but long enough to try and remember every single moment of _this_.”

Myka’s face softened, some strange combination of sadness and pleasant surprise flickering across her eyes, “Oh…I suppose that does make it rather hard to be angry with the sunlight.”

“It does. Especially when you allow yourself to think about the fact that tour buses do not have this particular brand of sunlight, nor do they have our bed, or…you.”

Myka’s eyes stole away from the blaze of Helena’s look, trying to surreptitiously clear her throat in an attempt to tamp down the lump that had started to take up permanent residence there this week. She shot a quick glance back to Helena, “I’m not sure I’m going to be capable of surviving today if you’re talking like that already.”

Helena’s smirk was only half-hearted, “Well, you could do something about it, distract me with your usual sun avoiding tactics…”

Myka chuckled and pulled the covers over their heads, huddling closer to Helena, “There are far too many other things we should be doing today…my _tactics_ , as you call them, might get in the way of that.”

Helena turned so that she was facing Myka, fingers rising up to card through her curls, “To-do list be damned…I’d much rather stay right here, just like this, in this moment, all day. You, me, this bed, and that damnable sunlight.”

Myka inclined her head forward, brushing the lightest of kisses to Helena’s lips, “I am capable of many things Swagger, but sadly, stopping time is not one of them.”

Helena gave an incredulous sigh accompanied by an exaggerated eye roll, “Well then, I’m not quite sure why I’m keeping you around…”

Myka’s face scrunched up in a look that was part annoyed, part endearing, “Hey, _you’re_ the one who’s named after the father of science fiction. Shouldn’t _you_ be the one who is coming up with ways to keep us right here. Come on,” Myka rapped a finger against Helena’s forehead, “tap into some of that _Time Machine_ genius.”

“I shall do my best darling, yet somehow I think it might be a rather fruitless effort.”

Myka sighed, pushing further into Helena’s space, allowing herself to be completely engulfed by Helena’s arms, her head buried against Helena’s chest at just the right angle to hear her heartbeat, to practically feel it. Helena held her so tightly, so surely, and when her heartbeat seemed to slow, Myka wondered if she’d fallen back asleep. She turned a placed a kiss above that heartbeat, “We do have things that we wanted to do today…”

Helena sighed, fingers tracing unknowable shapes, hidden blueprints along Myka’s back, “I know we do love, and I am not inclined to waste today for one second, but let’s just stay like this for a few minutes more.”

Myka’s only response was a slow nod that Helena felt against her skin, so Helena simply held her tighter, once again willing her mind to _remember_ , and to not think about all the mornings ahead of them when they would both be waking up alone.

**

Myka wasn’t sure what made her remember it, whether it was simply a matter of running in the exact same footsteps of this path or some strange combination of the way their feet hit the ground together, or possibly because of the Tom Petty that was pounding in her ears. Whatever it was, _something_ made her remember how she had felt that day, _that run_ , over a year and a half ago, when she had had an overwhelming sense that something was about to change. At the time, she was convinced that it had simply been the result of a heady combination of the fall and the crisp weather, and maybe a tiny dash of her finally _moving on_ , but now, in this moment with the memory crashing around her mind, she realized that maybe on that day the universe had given her a tiny nudge of a hint that Helena was just around the corner. 

On the one hand, the thought filled her in ways that just made her want to run and run and run until she couldn’t anymore, because Helena was next to her, and things were finally different, things had changed, and that felt _good_. Yet, something in her, that tiny corner of her brain that still harbored her insecurity and her worry and her fear, made her wonder if today felt like that day because once again everything was on the brink of changing. Her feet faltered, not quite able to keep up with the pace of her thoughts, until finally she reached out a hand to grip Helena’s forearm, bringing them to stuttering, breathless stop.

Helena pulled her headphones from her ears, her words coming out a bit stilted as she tried to catch her breath, “Are you…quite alright…love?”

Myka nodded from where she was leaning over, hands against her knees. She hadn’t realized quite how fast they had started running until now as she was desperately trying to gulp air into her lungs. She straightened, giving her chest more room to expand against her breaths, and she let herself take in the image of Helena in front of her, sun backlighting her through the leaves of the trees, her arms stretched above her head, her own breathing just as labored as Myka’s. It was enough to steal any breath that Myka had managed to restore to her body, and without consciously thinking about it, her hands were reaching out and gripping around Helena’s hips, pressing her backwards as softly as possible against a tree. 

Helena was more than willing to go where Myka led her, and the second that her back connected with something solid, her hands were cupped against Myka’s jaw, thumbs nestled right below her ears, fingers flexing against the back of her neck, drawing her forward. The lips that met Helena’s were hungry and a bit fevered, tinged with salt and the faint remainder of Myka’s mint chapstick. Helena let the kiss gather steam up until the point that she knew she was inches away from her body demanding more than was even remotely appropriate in the middle of the woods that were very much public property. She tilted her head back against the tree trunk, no longer sure if her cheeks were flushed from their run or from the last few minutes. She let out a breathy chuckle, “There have been times I’ve wondered what you would have done if I’d done _that_ the first time we ran into each other in these woods.”

Myka smirked, thumbs still rubbing circles against Helena’s hips, “You mean when you quite literally almost ran into me?”

“Yes, though I feel the need to point out that _you_ were the one that wasn’t paying attention,” Helena winked.

“Yeah, well… _maybe_. Either way, if you thought I was flustered then, I’m not sure there’s a word for what I would have been had you done _that_ then. I probably would have stood there like an awkward idiot, or just turned and ran like hell in the opposite direction.”

“Oh,” Helena’s smile curled almost dangerously at the corners, “I wasn’t _that_ scary was I?”

Myka let out a burst of laughter, “Probably not, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still absolutely terrified of you, or at least terrified by the idea of you.”

Helena let the hands she had looped around Myka’s neck flex a bit, drawing Myka closer, “You seem to have changed your tune a bit on that front.”

“Oh trust me, you still scare the hell out of me, I’ve just learned to live with it,” Myka grinned.

“Yes, you look like you’re positively itching to just run away from me darling.”

“You have no idea.”

Myka went to lean in for another kiss but Helena ducked her angle at the last second, bringing her lips precariously close to Myka’s ear, “I wonder if you can beat me home love…” She unfolded herself from Myka’s hold and burst into a sprint back in the direction of their house.

Myka shook her head to help the clouds that had formed over her thoughts dissipate, letting out a small, incredulous laugh as she let her feet carry her in Helena’s direction, shouting as she started to catch up, “You really think you can beat me at this Swagger?”

Helena gracefully let her feet twist so that she was jogging backwards, playful grin across her face, “Somehow…I think I’m up for the challenge.”

The both arrived on their front porch, sweating and completely winded, their feet hitting the steps at practically the same second. Helena collapsed against the front door, “Shall…we…call it a tie?”

Myka leaned against one of the porch beams, hand rubbing against a stitch in her side, “Sure…though I think you…took it easy on me.”

Helena’s fingers fumbled for the key she had pinned inside the waistband of her pants, “I did…nothing of the sort.”

“Uh huh,” Myka waved a hand towards the door, encouraging Helena to open it, “I don’t believe that for one second.”

Helena shrugged and opened the door, “Believe whatever you want love.”

Myka rolled her eyes at her as she went in the house, immediately wandering towards the stairs, shooting Helena an innocent glance over her shoulder, before crossing her arms in front of her hips and tugging her shirt off, tossing it over the banister towards Helena’s feet, “You’re ridiculous if you think I’m going to buy that innocent, ‘I swear I was playing fair’ look.”

Helena let the door click behind her, jaw opening and closing at Myka’s retreating form. She grinned, feet quickly following in Myka’s footsteps, Helena met her at the top of the stairs, and reached her hands out to pull Myka back by the hips. She rested her chin against Myka’s shoulder, whispering, “Now which one of us isn’t playing fair?”

Myka shrugged her shoulders, moving swiftly away from Helena’s hands, walking backwards down the hall towards the bedroom, “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” She kicked off her shoes, fingers toying at the edges of her basketball shorts, “I’m just getting ready to take a shower.”

Helena’s cheeks flushed at the look on Myka’s face, “Speaking of innocent looks that no one is buying…”

Myka disappeared into the bathroom with a smirk on her face. She flicked her shorts out the door by the tips of her toes and let them fly into the hallway. Quicker than she thought possible, Helena’s form was blocking the doorway. Myka arched an eyebrow, “I take it you’re joining me then?”

Helena groaned, tugging off her own shirt and kicking her shoes into the hallway, “ _You_ are an insufferable woman, Myka Bering, _and_ you are _mental_ if you think I’m letting you out of my sight today for even one second.”

“Well, I suppose I can’t really argue with either of those statements…”

“No, you can’t. Therefore,” Helena skimmed her running pants off her legs, “I don’t think we really need to keep that shower waiting much longer, darling.”

Myka let out a breathy chuckle, feeling a blush rise up in her cheeks at the look Helena was giving her, “God, sometimes you live up to your nickname far too well.”

Helena stepped completely into Myka’s space, “Yes, but this is a particular brand of swagger I reserve solely for you.” She rose up on her tiptoes to place a kiss to the corner of Myka’s mouth, “Shower, darling.”

Myka tried to inhale as best she could, but could barely manage it, her eyes fluttering shut at Helena’s proximity. The only word she was capable of forming was a mumbled, “Ok…” 

When they were finally beneath the warm water of the shower, steam pouring up around them, Myka shook her head with an incredulous laugh, “I don’t know how you do that, ya know?”

Helena tipped her head back beneath the water, letting it cascade through her hair, her tone light and innocent, “Do what love?”

“Turn me into this weak-kneed mess, despite the fact that I was the one that got you up here in the first place.”

Helena smirked, the water dancing across her skin, “I believe you answered that question yourself, by referring to my apparent _swagger_.” When she tilted her head away from the water, Myka was giving her a rather hesitant, almost shy look. She wasn’t sure if it was a look of embarrassment or insecurity, but she hedged her bets against the latter, reaching a hand out to wrap around Myka’s wrist, tugging her under the water with her. She let her other hand skate across one of Myka’s collarbones, “Do I need to remind you of your own knee-weakening capabilities? Do I need to remind you that I came very close to breaking quite a few laws in the middle of those woods earlier all because you _kissed_ me?”

Myka blushed, even while a smirk tugged at her lips. She trailed a finger down Helena’s sternum, applying the slightest amount of pressure, encouraging Helena to turn and arch her back against the cold of the shower wall, “How would you feel about a replay of that moment?”

Helena let out a shaky sigh, “I think I would be amenable to that.”

Myka couldn’t stop her laughter, her forehead coming to rest against Helena’s shoulder, “You’d be _amenable_ , huh?”

Helena lightly slapped against Myka’s shoulder, “Oh hush. Are you going to keep laughing at me or are you going to actually get on with the kissing me offer you just made?”

Myka turned her head slightly, letting her lips fall against Helena’s pulse point. After several weighted moments where Helena’s breath started leaving her a little faster, Myka tipped her head up, letting her lips come within centimeters of Helena’s, “Does that answer your question?”

Helena nodded her head, eyes still closed, as Myka’s fingers started skating along her stomach. She could feel Myka’s smirk as it pressed against her lips, Myka’s voice barely registering in her ears as she whispered a soft, “Good,” before fully pressing their lips together in a much more heated imitation of their earlier kiss.

Myka kissed her in a way that was somehow languid and patient, while also wanting and dominant, like she was trying to do all of Helena’s breathing for her. Helena was transfixed, her mind somehow only able to focus on the movement of Myka’s lips, to the point that she _almost_ missed the movement of Myka’s fingers. When her brain finally kicked into realization, she pulled away from Myka’s lips, letting out a soft, stutter of Myka’s name, anything to encourage everything to happen at once. It was a request that Myka was more than willing to oblige, tipping her head down to kiss against the juncture of Helena’s neck and shoulder, while her fingers hurdled Helena over the edge of oblivion so quickly that Helena was almost embarrassed.

Helena let out a weak, stilted sigh, her breathing still trying to re-regulate. With shaking fingers she tilted Myka’s head away from her shoulder so that she could look her in the eye, “If you ever again find yourself wondering about your abilities to leave me a completely helpless, wanting wreck, you need only remember _this exact moment_.”

Myka’s smile was bashful, though tinged with a hint of pride, “I suppose I have my moments.”

Helena gave her an incredulous look, spinning them in careful movements so as not to cause either of them to slip. She kissed Myka’s ear, “I really wish you had some way of knowing what you do to me. _However_ , since that’s not entirely possible…I suppose I’ll just have to show you…”

**

Helena raised her voice a bit from where she sat on the edge of her side of the bed, pulling her boots on, “Might we invite your mother to lunch?”

“Ugh…God…” Myka’s head popped out from their closet with a horrified look on her face, “Please, I need at least an _hour’s_ worth of time between what we just did and you mentioning my _mother_.”

Helena watched over her shoulder as Myka’s body gave an involuntary shudder. She chuckled, “You act as though the two mentioned too closely together might cause a nuclear explosion love.”

“Trust me, in my head, that’s what’s happening right now.”

Helena rolled her eyes, amused grin on her lips, “Well then, I suppose I revoke my question, _for the sake of your brain_.”

Myka wandered back into the closet, her voice carrying out into the bedroom with a bit of an echo, “Oh no, the question is now _out there_ , the explosions cannot be revoked.”

“You are so very strange my love, but if that’s the case, what are your thoughts on that front?”

“I’m good with it, if that’s what you want to do. I can give her a call and see if she’s free to meet us.”

Helena plucked her phone from her nightstand, “You finish getting ready, I’ll call her.” She stood and crossed to the closet, popping her head around the door frame, “Are you sure you’re ok with it? I know today is supposed to be our day.”

Myka tugged a shirt over her head, “Sweets, it’s fine, totally fine.”

Helena slumped against the door frame, “I just feel like I would like to see her before I leave…”

Myka reached out and squeezed Helena’s hand, “You don’t need to justify the request Helena. Call her, she’ll be _thrilled_ that she’s on your pre-tour visit list.”

Ten minutes later, as Myka locked the door to the house, Helena let out a soft chuckle, “Your mother…” Myka merely gave her an inquisitive look over her shoulder, though Helena could see the laughter dancing in her eyes. Helena smiled, “I’m not quite sure that _thrilled_ amply covered how she sounded when I called.”

Myka turned away from the door, tucking a hand into Helena’s as they wandered towards the car, “My mother, for all of her inquisitiveness and affection, is always, without fail, shocked when said affection is returned. She never quite believes it’s possible.”

Helena’s tone was light, barely able to be heard, “Like mother, like daughter.”

Myka rolled her eyes, shoving a shoulder against Helena’s, “I _suppose_ I deserved that.”

Helena didn’t respond, just squeezed Myka’s hand and retreated to her side of the car with the faintest hint of a satisfied smirk on her face. 

As Myka navigated the streets into town, eyes craning for a parking spot close to the restaurant, Helena let her hand fall and squeeze against Myka’s knee, “I was thinking darling…I suppose it might seem rather an odd, and most likely difficult, request, but do you think there might be some way that we could keep running together while I’m gone?”

Myka gave her a small, almost teasing, grin as she maneuvered into a spot, “Time zones might make that tough, Swagger.”

“I know, but I feel like we might be able to figure something out.”

“Well, what do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know really. Logistically, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I even just like the idea of knowing that we’re both running at the same time…even if we aren’t together.” Helena waved a hand dismissively, “Nevermind…”

Myka shifted into park, before dropping her fingers to Helena’s which were quickly retreating from her knee, “Hey, no, it’s not ridiculous. It’s sweet and I like it, the idea that we’re still holding on to a bit of our routine, despite the distance.”

Helena nodded, smiling triumphantly, “Excellent.” Her smile fell slightly, “Somehow…somehow that makes me feel a bit better about all of this.”

Myka squeezed their entwined hands again, uncertain of what to say, instead offering up a feeble, though honest, “I know.”

**

_King’s Chef Diner, Colorado Springs_

“So, Connecticut tomorrow?” Jeannie’s question was light, inquisitive without any hint of the concern which Helena was sure was roiling right below the surface.

She swallowed her bite of sandwich before replying, “Indeed. Our first show is tomorrow night in Hartford.”

“Tomorrow night?” Jeannie’s eyebrows rose, “That seems a little soon? Not exactly giving you any time to settle in are they?”

Helena smiled softly, “Not really, no, but this has been Kelly’s plan from the beginning. She’s been out there since Wednesday, finalizing everything. She felt like if we were there with too much down time before we’d be more stressed than necessary, so we leave exceedingly early tomorrow morning and arrive with enough time to get settled before sound check and then we’re off and running.”

Jeannie let out a quick exhale, “God that sounds exhausting just hearing about it.”

Helena shrugged, “I’m sure it will be, yet I can’t say I mind the extra time before leaving and just jumping right in once we get there.”

“And are they keeping you chained to the tour bus the entire summer or are you going to be able to steal home at all?” Jeannie darted a quick glance towards Myka that both Helena and Myka were sure she thought neither of them noticed, even though it was extremely apparent.

Helena hid her chuckle behind a drummed up catch in her throat, “Kelly was rather considerate on that front, as much as she could be I suppose.” Helena reached her hand under the table to curl around Myka’s knee, “We have about a four day break at the beginning of July and then another at the end of July, though that one is more of a working break, interviews and things, so not really time to jet home. The beginning of the month though…well you probably won’t be able to get me here fast enough.”

“Good. Myka isn’t the only one who will be extremely anxious to see you, between myself and my grandson, Myka might have to fight us for you,” Jeannie winked.

Myka rolled her eyes, “If Ethan had his way, I probably wouldn’t see her at all, so I should probably be thankful for whatever I can get.”

“Well, maybe we can all do dinner sometime in those couple of days…”

Myka glanced at Helena, only to see a shining acceptance, an _excitement_ almost, in her eyes. Myka gave her a small grin before turning back to her mom, “Yeah, that would be great, Mom. I’ll talk to Tracy, get it on her calendar early.”

Jeannie twirled her fork absent-mindedly, “I must say, that was one thing I always hated about when you were out on tour, Myka. Abigail _never_ gave you time off. It was three solid months with no stopping.” She said in a small aside to Helena, “I will admit I kept a countdown calendar on my refrigerator every summer.”

“I might have stolen that idea from you Mother,” Myka mumbled with a small blush.

Helena chuckled, “It’s true. It already has pride of place on the refrigerator door. Like mother, like daughter it would appear.”

Jeannie’s tone remained light, but once again Helena could detect a small undercurrent of worry, “The time will fly by so fast, before you know it the summer will be over.” She let out a small, almost sad, sigh, “So, three months across the country, anywhere in particular you’re looking forward to?”

Helena was quietly thankful for the change of subject, preferring to not dwell on how she and Myka would handle the distance in front of Myka’s mother. She gave Jeannie a bright smile, “ A few. Apparently, one of the venues we’re playing in Florida is right on the ocean so _that_ will be something. Myka and I have been talking about getting up to Seattle for awhile, so I’m trying to convince her to adjust her schedule to come see us when we’re there so we can see the city a bit.”

Myka chuckled, “As though I needed a lot of _convincing_.”

“How many times do I need to remind you Helena, that my daughter is an extremely stubborn woman?”

Helena smirked, “About the same number of times that I need to tell you that she seems to come by it naturally.”

Jeannie’s laughter was high and sweet, completely genuine. She reached out and wrapped a hand around Helena’s, “Oh my dear, I am going to miss you.”

A sudden swell of emotion rose in Helena’s throat, though she swallowed it down in an effort to not turn their lunch into a crying mess, “That feeling, Jeannie, is quite mutual. I may need to force you to Skype me once a week over lunch. I’m not quite sure I will do without my weekly dose of _you_.”

Jeannie rolled her eyes in a perfect imitation of her daughter, “Oh my word, Myka isn’t kidding when she calls you a sweet talker.”

Helena smirked, “On occasion I do live up to that expectation.”

“ _Oh Lord_ ,” Myka groaned, “that’s an understatement if I ever heard one.”

Jeannie watched the subtle glance that passed between Myka and Helena, the slight tinge of pink in both of their cheeks, the way Helena’s forearm flexed in a way that said she had just squeezed Myka’s knee under the table, how for just a moment it was as though Jeannie wasn’t even there and it was just the two of them. Her chest tightened, feeling a slow pulse of worry throb in her stomach, as she looked at her daughter, whom she hadn’t seen this happy, possibly ever, and wondered if she would survive the next three months.

**

Myka and Helena walked Jeannie back to the store, small talk passing between the three of them comfortably. When they arrived outside the store, Helena gave Jeannie a strained look, almost like she wasn’t sure what to do next. Jeannie gave her a small smile, and then turned her attention to Myka, “Myka, would you mind giving me a few minutes with Helena before you two head out?”

Myka’s brow furrowed for the briefest of seconds, before looking between the two of them with a small smile, “Yeah, of course.” She leaned in and placed a kiss to Jeannie’s cheek, “I’ll see you Sunday at Tracy’s. Love you Mom.”

“I love you too my dear Myka. I promise I won’t keep her long.”

“Take as long as you need.” Myka reached out and squeezed Helena’s hand, “I’m going to head over to Wild Goose for a cup of coffee. Do you want me to get you anything?”

“No, I’m fine love. I’d rather wait for a cup of Wolly’s tea later.”

“Sounds good. Meet me there when you’re done?” Helena nodded with a smile. Myka grinned, “Alright, I leave you in the hands of my mother…God help us all,” she winked as she headed down the street towards the coffee shop.

Jeannie unlocked the door to the store and held it open, gesturing for Helena to walk in first. Helena wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from whatever conversation was coming, but being inside the bookstore provided a strange sense of comfort. She heard Jeannie let out a small sigh behind her, “I’m guessing you’re wondering what on earth is going on…”

Helena turned to her, “I’ve learned to stop questioning the actions of you Bering women and simply see where you all take me.”

Jeannie arched an eyebrow, “Wise woman.” She moved to lean against the counter, “I feel rather odd, Helena, but there were certain things I wanted to say to you, and I preferred to not say them in front of Myka. Maybe that seems underhanded, but here we are.” She pushed a hand through her hair, an image that mirrored Myka so well, “Helena…I cannot even begin to pretend that I know fully what you and Myka are going through with all of this. However, I know my daughter, and I know that you know everything, all the _baggage_ that she brings into a situation like this, and I can’t imagine that that is easy for you. To try and balance your excitement and your eagerness with your worry and concern for her, for you relationship. I know, _I know_ , that I’m probably overstepping here, after all, I am not your mother, but I want you to know how badly I hope you just go out there this summer and _shine_. I remember sending Myka off for these tours and just hoping that she would soak it all in, that she would _live_ every second of it, no matter what might have been going on with her and Sam. I have the same hope for you. Over the last year and a half, well, you’re family to me Helena, and I want nothing more than _everything_ that this summer could be for you. Myka will readily admit that she was never cut out for life on the road, she hated it, but you, the four of you, you could take the world by storm this summer, and I hope you do, I hope you relish the opportunity and seize it with everything you’ve got. I know that you’re worried, I know you have plenty to worry about, but please do not let your worry dictate your life this summer. Whether you need to hear it or not, I’m going to say it, you two, the love you have? It’s bigger than your worry. You’ll make your own way through the next three months, and somehow I think you’ll be stronger for that. She loves you Helena, don’t ever forget that, and don’t ever forget that she knows how much you love her, even if sometimes her own mind gets a bit ahead of her heart.”

Helena pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes in an effort to stem her tears before moving to wrap Jeannie in as tight of a hug as possible. She soaked in the warmth of Jeannie’s hold and whispered, “Thank you, thank you _so much_.”

Jeannie pulled away, holding Helena at arms length with hands gripped around her shoulders, eyeing her carefully, “I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds…”

“No,” Helena let out a watery chuckle, “somehow you have managed to say _exactly_ what I needed to hear, _exactly_ when I needed to hear it. I see where Myka gets it from…”

Jeannie placed a palm against Helena’s cheek, “I hope you know that I meant it when I said I was going to miss you. This city, _this family_ , will not quite be the same without you around.”

Helena nodded softly, trying to hold back a sniffle, “Believe me, I am going to miss all of you, more than you probably know.”

“I hope you know that it’s not just Myka’s love you take out there on the road with you Ms. Superstar, but all of ours, mine, Tracy’s, Ethan’s, even in his own way Warren’s.”

“I do know, just as you know I leave mine here with all of you.”

“Good.” Jeannie gave her a definitive nod, before shaking her shoulders a bit as though trying to shake off the heaviness of the moment, “Ok, dear girl, one more hug for the road. Come here.” Jeannie held Helena tightly, whispering before she let her go, “Remember what I said, do not let your worry keep you from living.”

Helena tucked a kiss to Jeannie’s cheek, “I will try my best.”

“That’s all I ask. Now go show this world what you’ve got.”

**

When Helena walked into The Wild Goose, it was to an arched eyebrow and a very inquisitive smirk from Myka, where she was settled into a large armchair in front of a highly unnecessary at the end of May fire. Helena walked up to her, stealing the coffee mug out of her hands and taking a slow, measured sip, “Don’t look at me like that.”

Myka’s brow arched higher, “Like what?”

“Like you’re waiting for me to spill state secrets.”

Myka reached up and extracted her mug from Helena’s hands, relishing in some small corner of her mind the way that Helena settled on the arm of her chair, a hand immediately combing down the back of her head. Myka leaned into the touch, “So…does that mean I’m not allowed to ask.”

Helena grinned, leaning down to kiss the top of Myka’s head, “You can ask, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to answer.”

“She swore you to secrecy didn’t she?”

Helena rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, “You would think you Bering women didn’t trust each other one iota. _No_ , she didn’t. _However_ …”

“However, it’s going to stay between you two.” Myka stood quickly, tugging Helena up with her, slipping an arm around Helena’s waist as she finished her coffee with one last drink. She kissed Helena’s cheek, “I have to say, I feel strangely ok with you and my mother harboring secrets. Don’t ask me why. I may possibly have completely lost my mind, but I don’t know…if she wanted to talk to you, say something before you left, well, that is for you and her to share.”

Helena’s grin was teasing, unbelieving, “And you’re just going to leave it at that? No grand inquisition of what on earth your mother could have possibly said?”

Myka shook her head, “Nope.”

“I feel rather as though I should be looking out the window for horsemen, that they should be galloping down the street announcing the apocalypse.”

Myka laughed warmly, “It’s highly possible.”

Helena pulled Myka’s arm from around her waist and intertwined their hands, giving them a small tug to lead Myka towards the door, “Come on, you might have had coffee already, but I deserve one last tea from Wolly before they are woefully out of reach.”

As they walked to the car, Helena rested her head on Myka’s shoulder, savoring the feeling. She almost didn’t want to break the silence, but she did want to give Myka some small breadcrumb, some piece of the puzzle as to what had happened between her and Jeannie, “Would you like to hear something maybe a bit surprising?” Myka’s response was a small hum of assent. Helena lifted her head and caught Myka’s eye, “Without saying it in so many words I do believe your mother told me she loved me.”

Myka didn’t feign surprise or shock, just gave Helena a tiny quirk of a smile, “I think she’s been holding that in for a long time.”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “Really?”

“Yes. My mother likes to wait for the opportune moment, even if it means biting back something she’s been wanting to say for eons.”

There was something bright and open in the look Myka gave Helena then, something that Helena couldn’t quite discern, so she instead opted to settle her head back against Myka’s shoulder, “Why do I feel like that is another trait you inherited from her?”

Myka dropped a kiss to Helena’s hair, whispering, “Maybe.”

**

_Pikes Peak Coffee, Colorado Springs_

Wolly let out a booming laugh that echoed around the walls of the shop, “See _that_ is the look I am going to miss! The look of someone who knows how to appreciate a bloody good cup of coffee.”

Helena’s eyes remained closed, letting the lingering feel of the sweet, yet bitter tang of her tea roll over her tongue in waves. She barely registered Myka’s low laughter, “Sometimes I swear she loves your tea more than me.”

Helena opened her eyes with a smirk, “Not possible, though some days it is nearly a tie.” She gave Wolly a practically adoring look, “As much as you shall miss me, I shall miss being able to get a decent scone whenever I please, and _do not_ get me started on having to survive the summer on tea provided by a _tour bus_.”

Wolly clutched a hand to his heart, “Whatever would the queen say H.G.? She may disown you.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You are both the biggest snobs I have ever met.”

Helena lowered a look at Myka that was enough to stall any other words that might have come from Myka’s mouth, “ _Do not_ get me started on your coffee particularities, Myka Bering. You would not like the consequences.”

Wolly looped an arm around Helena’s shoulder, leveling Myka with the same joyful glint in his eye that Helena had, “She’s right about that. You’re rather picky about that you know.”

“You know there are some days that I regret introducing you two,” Myka grinned.

Wolly gave Helena’s shoulder a squeeze, “We are a match made in British ex-pat heaven. We would have found each other whether you intervened or not, Myka.” He leaned down and placed an exaggerated kiss against Helena’s cheek, “You going to miss me?”

Helena chuckled, “Not as much as your tea…”

**

Myka wasn’t sure if she’d ever tried so hard not to _think_ in her life. At some point, she realized she had simply gotten used to the constant buzz of her thoughts always circling, circling, circling. It was part of what made writing come so easily for her, her thoughts were always just _there_ , right at the edge of her consciousness, waiting to be plucked and molded into something coherent, usable, _useful_. Tonight though, tonight none of her thoughts were useful for anything other than drowning, drowning in the reality that was the minutes ticking steadily off the clock. 

Helena was reclined back against her chest, book propped up on her knees, while Myka held hers out at an angle, resting against the back of the couch. They hadn’t really spoken, not since Helena had made a passing quip about Myka not falling asleep during the movie they’d watched while they ate dinner, take out from Helena’s favorite restaurant in town. Myka had pinched at Helena’s waist, telling her that there was nothing at all that could entice her to sleep at that moment, movie on the television or not. She had leveled Helena with a stare that had left them both feeling starkly vulnerable, as she murmured, “Not today, Swagger.” It was as close to an admission that they were on a definite _countdown_ as either of them had dared to speak all day. 

Myka idly wondered in passing if there had ever been a point, even in the beginning when they were being so careful with each other, when they had been this _quiet_. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It wasn’t something that Myka wished to disturb, but there was a strange sense of _newness_ to it. Somehow, the two of them were always just _talking_ , about something, about nothing, and yet here they sat, books splayed open, the radio on lightly in the background, and there was simply nothing left to say. They’d talked through all the logistics of how they were going to make this work. When they’d talk, when there were breaks to see each other, they’d talked and talked and talked until they felt like there was a sure enough foundation of plans underneath them to survive the summer. Myka kept trying to figure out it if there were things she needed to say, if there were things she _wanted_ to say, but she kept coming up empty, content to find solace in the steady weight of Helena’s back against her chest, the light, almost ticklish back and forth of Helena’s fingertips over the forearm Myka had wrapped around her waist, the heady scent of lavender that kept hitting her nostrils from Helena’s hair. 

Finally, Myka let her eyes drift away from her book to the clock hanging on the opposite wall. The hands glared back at her a time far later than she expected and in that instant her stomach tightened. She knew it was inevitable, but it didn’t stop the reality from stinging; they were running out of time. She lifted her arm from Helena’s waist to place her bookmark at where she had paused in reading, balancing her book against the back of the couch. She swallowed in an attempt to wet her mouth that was suddenly so dry she wasn’t sure she’d be able to form words. They scratched a bit as they came out, a husked whisper, “Are you packed?”

Helena didn’t turn to her, but Myka could see the way her hands had frozen against the edges of her book. Her answer was simple, a resignation to their impending fate, “Yes.”

Myka brought a finger down to curl around a strand of Helena’s hair, “We should probably start thinking about bed…”

Helena’s book closed with an echoing snap, “Going to sleep means that today is over, and I cannot say that I am quite ready to face that reality just yet.” 

Helena’s words hung there, a frank admission, words they both knew, but hadn’t wanted to say out loud, yet now they were out there, a weight that demanded acknowledgement. Myka refused to give in to the pressure though, the imposing, demanding pressure to face the truth, so she gave a playful nip to the top of Helena’s ear and knocked her voice down an octave, willing her voice to tease, to prolong the minutes, “Who said anything about _sleep_?”

**

_"So this is what it feels like to be memorized."_ The thought slowly trickled into Myka's consciousness, wading through the haze that was clouding her vision due to the measured, slow, torturous pace Helena was keeping up as she moved her lips across every square inch of Myka's body. There was not a freckle left unattended to, not a single scrap of skin between Myka's jaw and her thighs that had not felt the teasing trace of Helena's tongue, the grazing, almost sharp scrape of her teeth. Every single one of Myka's nerve endings was on high alert, each chasing after Helena's mouth, wishing it was their turn again for her attention. Myka’s brain was no longer able to keep up with the attentive movements of Helena's fingertips over her skin. She felt drunk, dizzy from the way that Helena had pulled all of her sensations right up to the surface, nursed them, teased them. As the tip of Helena's tongue found the gap between two of her ribs and slid across the valley between them, another strangled, suddenly desperate gasp left Myka's throat. Myka willed her brain to form words, _any_ words. She swallowed, fighting against the dryness in her mouth, one set of fingers unwrapping from their white knuckled grip on the headboard to come down and twirl around a strand of Helena's hair, pulling her attention for the briefest of seconds away from Myka's skin. Myka's breath flooded out of her lungs on a rush of words, "I can't tell if you're purposefully teasing me or if you have some sort of ulterior motive..."

Helena's teeth flashed in a cat-like grin, a hint of white against the swell of Myka's ribs, "It's possible that it's both. It’s possible that I love the way that you can’t stop gasping and twitching when I move this slowly. The way I can tell your body is wound so tightly that I could unravel you with the smallest of touches.” For the briefest of seconds, Helena’s fingers danced across the inside of Myka’s thigh, a temptation that she would stop her teasing. At the hitch in Myka’s throat, her fingers disappeared, resuming their tracing along Myka’s ribs. She smirked at the frustrated groan Myka let out, “However, it's also possible that I simply want every single inch of your skin to remember exactly how it feels to have my lips on it."

A hot pulse of desire, of needy _want_ settled low in Myka's stomach betrayed by another telling jerk of her hips up against Helena’s body. Helena's voice was so low, husked with her own desire that it set Myka's ears ringing. "God..." Myka sighed, "I don't even know how to respond to that."

Helena let her teeth nip at the curve of Myka's breast, "Say you won't forget how this feels..."

Myka curled her finger even tighter around Helena's hair, pulling, willing Helena to come close enough to kiss her. When Helena was hovering above her again with Myka's fingers still curled in her hair, with their lips millimeters from meeting, Myka whispered, "At this point your fingerprints are imprinted all over me...I don't think I can ever forget that." Helena went to say something, but Myka swallowed whatever words were on the tip of her tongue, by removing all the space between them, and kissing her hungrily. 

Somewhere in the furthest reaches of her mind, Myka realized that this was always what happened. No matter how many times it was her tugging Helena across the threshold of their bedroom, no matter how many times she was the one making coy, teasing remarks, it always ended in the same way, her completely pliant and needy, body tingling with want underneath Helena. The loss of control, the utter surrender of letting Helena push her body to the breaking point of desire, made the inevitable collapse all the sweeter. 

As Helena tugged away from her lips, bringing Myka’s bottom lip with her with a bit more force than usual, she let out a small hum of pleasure, seemingly at Myka’s blatant want. Helena dipped her head and pulled at the skin between Myka’s neck and shoulder, a move which she _knew_ left Myka keening and nearly shaking for release. Myka found herself gasping for words, her throat constricting against her need to breathe. Her fingers curled tightly in Helena’s hair, nails scraping against Helena’s scalp, “I seriously…don’t…don’t know how you do this…to me.”

The tip of Helena’s tongue chased up Myka’s neck, her lips coming to rest against Myka’s ear, whispering as her fingers started to skate once again towards Myka’s thigh, “Darling…the answer to that question is a rather long list…filled with items that would most likely leave you simultaneously blushing and swooning, and as much as I would _love_ to give you that list…” Helena’s fingers slid against the inside of Myka’s thigh, precariously close, but not close enough, “I really don’t want to talk right now.”

Myka’s back arched at the sudden, immediate pressure of Helena’s fingers. Her words were mumbled, almost incoherent, “Then what do you want to do?”

Helena’s chuckle was low and throaty in Myka’s ear, “Oh darling, I think the answer to that is quite evident.” Helena’s fingers gave a long, slow, once again _torturous_ pull, causing Myka’s hips to cant in near constant movement, anything to chase those fingers. Helena spoke again, voice impossibly lower, “However, if you need an answer…” Helena’s fingers pushed and curled, “I want to feel you wrapped around me for every last moment we have tonight.”

Myka’s voice came out high, a gasp, a half-moaned sob at the twisting of Helena’s fingers, “All those minutes and hours, right?”

“Exactly, my love.” There were no more words for what felt like hours, but for what Myka truly knew were mere minutes, because Helena had worked her up, built her up so high, that she was ready to fall in an instant, to break apart under Helena’s hands with the briefest touch. 

Myka could feel her body on the brink of oblivion, feel it in the twitch of her thigh muscles, in the sheen of sweat on her forehead. In the moments right before, she blindly groped her hand out, seeking Helena’s free one. She entwined their fingers haphazardly, holding on for dear life, as Helena’s lips met the space between her ear and her jaw at precisely the same moment that she curled her fingers with force and urgency, urging Myka to fall, despite the fact that Myka needed little encouragement, her body already there, already ready, already gone. 

**

“Bloody…” Helena’s words died in the back of her throat, as her head arched back against the pillows, her back quickly following. Her muscles tensed and relaxed, leaving her somehow feeling weightless and heavy at the same time, like she could just as easily float off the bed as she could sink into it. Her fingers remained clinched around Myka’s, where Myka had her fingers curled around Helena’s hip. She sucked in air, anything to catch her breath, before settling her head back against the pillows, staring down at Myka where she was resting against her inner thigh, some mixture of a smirk and a crooked smile on her face. Helena let out a throaty bubble of laughter, tracing the line of Myka’s forehead with a finger from her free hand, “Do you know what I find _unbelievably_ sexy?”

Myka turned her head leaving a kiss against the closest patch of skin she could find, before whispering, “Why do I have a feeling there could be a lot of answers to that question?”

Helena arched an eyebrow coyly, “That’s probably true, but in this instance…” her finger dipped and traced the line of Myka’s jaw, “In this instance, it’s the fact that everyone thinks you’re so shy, so easily embarrassed, and then you do things like _that_ and I realize that I’m the only one who realizes how completely untrue that is.”

Myka bit her lip, inching back closer to the space between Helena’s thighs, her voice lowering again from her usual timbre, “Things like _what_?” She spanned the minimal space between them, her tongue once again dipping and swirling in a tight curl. She pulled back as Helena let out a breathy moan, surprised by the speed of Myka’s presence then immediate, lamentable absence. Myka’s chuckle floated up Helena’s body, through her muscles, sending a fresh wave of desire into her bloodstream. Myka watched the muscles of Helena’s stomach twitch and whispered against her thigh, “Things like that?”

Helena rolled her eyes, in pleasure and exasperation, “ _Yes_ , things like that you wicked woman.” Helena took one look at the triumphant look on Myka’s face and curled a finger around a strand of her hair, giving it a light tug, “Come here.”

Myka slid back up Helena’s body, most of her weight coming to rest against one arm, as the other slipped against Helena’s thigh, her fingers beginning a slow, easy pace, giving Helena enough time to recover before building her up again. Her lips pulled in a small smile as Helena’s breath hitched at the sensation. She kissed her lightly, “So it’s sexy that you’ve corrupted my innocent nature huh?”

Helena tried to give an exasperated groan, but it melted into a soft keen of want at a particular twist of Myka’s fingers, “Every single thing about you is sexy Myka Bering…alleged innocent nature and all.”

“If it wasn’t so dark, you’d be able to see that I was blushing.”

“I don’t believe that for one second darling. There can be no blushing while you’re doing what,” Helena’s words broke off in a gasp, as Myka’s fingers curled suddenly. She sucked in a short breath, just enough to finish her sentence, “ you’re doing.”

Myka’s laughter was quiet, breathy, her thoughts beginning to contract and center around the movement of her hand. A tingling feeling shot up to from the elbow she was resting on, a trigger from her circulation system. She shifted, her body trying to slip off of Helena in order to find a better angle, but Helena gripped her bicep, stilling her movements for the briefest of seconds, "No..don't leave." Her voice was raw, vulnerable, tremulous, speaking words into the dark that were about more than this moment, than this shift of Myka's body against hers.

Myka's lips pulled in a smile that was some strange combination of sadness and ease, as she laid back against Helena, stretching her arm to relieve some of the pressure as she buried her head against Helena's neck, her fingers resuming their slow, measured, endless pace. Her lips were mere ghosts against Helena's ear, "I'm not...I won't." A promise breathed against skin flushed with sweat, a promise about this very second, about Myka's hands pulling Helena out of the ether of her thoughts; a promise about everything that was hanging above them, about everything they were together and everything they weren't yet. A promise about everything Myka wished she could give Helena in this moment, in every moment.

**

Helena settled deeper against Myka’s chest, closing her eyes, even as she squeezed Myka’s arms tighter around her waist. She let out a sigh of contentment, though she could tell Myka would hear that it was tinged with a small amount of resignation. There was no way around it, they were running out of time. Instinctively, she pulled Myka’s arms even tighter around her, eliciting a small, ghost of a laugh, not even a laugh truly, something more like the echo of one long gone, from Myka, “I can’t tell if you want me to hold you, or cut off your circulation…”

Helena sighed, “I’m not sure either, honestly.”

“Well,” Myka settled them back further into the pillows, pulling Helena with her, “I can’t pull you much closer than this, but I’ll try.” She looked up through the skylight, watching the clouds chase over the moon, the way the faint light of it danced across Helena’s pale skin. a wistful smile tugged at her lips, “I’m going to miss this…the way the moon just dances over your skin, the way when your pulled this close to me it’s a struggle for even the moonlight to come between us.”

Helena’s smile was small, hovering on the precipice of despairing, “You’re waxing lyrical, Myka.”

Myka chuckled, “I know…I think I’m getting tired, my brain isn’t quite controlling the things that come out of my mouth at the moment.”

Helena turned in Myka’s arms, bringing their bodies flush up against each other as she ran soft fingertips through Myka’s hair, “So I have you with all your defenses down…think of the things I could ask you…”

Myka’s eyes shone in the faint light, open, willing, “Ask away…”

“What are you thinking, right now? Right this second?”

Myka trailed her fingers up and down Helena’s spine, “Right now? Right now, I’m thinking that you are the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever seen, and that I’m not sure what I’m going to do without you here…” Her eyes trailed back up, over Helena’s shoulder towards the skylight, “I’m also thinking that sometimes when we’re like this, it feels like the stars are staring at us…”

Helena slid further up Myka’s body, her lips coming to rest precariously against Myka’s, while her hand tripped down her thigh, “They could eavesdrop on our entire conversation right now, I wouldn’t particularly care.” She tilted her head up, looking at Myka with a momentary look of question, “This is what it looks like when lyrics keep you up at night isn’t it? You have lines like that in your head and they just won’t go away?”

Myka’s breath hitched around trying to reply as Helena’s fingers moved inside her. When she finally got out the word, “Yes,” she wasn’t sure if it was in assent to Helena’s question, or to what she was doing.

Helena smirked, Myka could feel it against the tendons of her neck, and she could tell that Helena took her answer as an affirmative to both things. Helena whispered, “Let me write that song with you love…”

Myka could only nod, lost in the oblivion that was Helena’s touch, that was words breathed against her skin, and as Helena dragged her further down, spiraling away from any reality that wasn’t just the two of them, her eyes caught once again on the stars above them, and wondered what it was they were thinking.

**

Myka slid a hand through Helena’s hair, one finger coming down to trail along her jaw, where they lay facing each other, legs and sheets a complete tangle around them, “We should sleep…”

Helena’s eyes closed, her head giving a slow shake, “No…don’t…” Helena’s words died in her throat.

“Don’t what, Sweets?”

Helena’s eyes opened, shining, a bit fearful, “Don’t say that this is over.”

Myka palmed Helena’s cheek, “I’m not. I will _never_ say that. Our alarm clocks however…they might have something else to say about our current situation.”

Silence descended around them, Helena’s eyes stealing away from Myka’s which were fighting a losing battle against slipping into sleep. Helena’s voice pulled her from its grip, “I’m taking you with me…I hope you know that.” She gave Myka’s surprised look a small grin, “Ok, I realize I’m not _taking_ you with me, though I wish I could, but I am, in my own way. The grip that you, Myka Bering, have got around my heart…the miles and the days, they have nothing to that. They can’t keep me from you, that can’t keep me from carrying you with me, every moment of every day. I wish…I wish that I was capable of actually explaining to you just how much I love you, but I’m honestly not sure the words have even been invented yet. _You_ are the one thing that eludes my brilliant and vast vocabulary.” She gave Myka a quick wink, a brief moment of levity, even in the face of the tears tracking down both of their cheeks. She wiped her thumb against Myka’s cheek, “I’m going to miss you so terribly much my love.”

Myka sucked in a shuddering gulp of air. Helena’s words felt like so much more than just a statement, a _fact_ , but like she was promising Myka something, promising that no matter what, they wouldn’t lose each other. She turned her head to place a kiss against Helena’s palm, “I’m going to miss you too…but like you said, somehow, in some inexplicable way, we’ll each always be there.” 

Helena’s fingers came up to toy unconsciously with the locket around her neck, the locket that had rarely been taken off since Myka gave it to her. She slid the charm back and forth across the chain, “How am I supposed to say goodbye to you tomorrow?”

Myka sighed, eyes squinting in the darkness to meet Helena’s, “I wish I knew…”

There was nothing else to say, no more words for the inevitable, and so Myka pulled Helena to her, reveling in the warmth of Helena’s breath against her collarbones, knowing that eventually sleep would come, and with it…the morning.

**

Myka’s hands came up to grip the edge of the comforter, ready to pull back the covers, to make what suddenly felt like the interminable trek from their bedroom to the front door. She glanced at the clock on her nightstand. They’d barely slept, and she silently hoped that Helena would sleep on the plane, it would probably serve as a good distraction. Before she could remove herself from the warmth, the safety of their bed, Helena’s hands were covering her own, pressing against them to keep her firmly ensconced in the blankets.

Myka knew her face was quizzical, but all conscious thought fled in the face of the look Helena gave her as she sat down on the edge of the bed, hands retaining their tight grip around Myka’s. Helena’s voice was thin, too close to the precipice of inconsolable emotion, “I don’t want you to watch me leave…” Her eyes didn’t meet Myka’s, as though she knew that they’d both crumble once that tiny point of contact was made.

“Helena…” Myka fruitlessly fought against the pressure of Helena’s hands on hers, holding her in place.

Helena’s eyes finally turned to Myka, blazing heat in the early morning semi-darkness. There was a _need_ there for Myka to just do what she asked, to just _hear_ her, “Please, Myka. If you walk me to the door, it will be too much of an admission of what is happening.”

“But this _is_ happening, Sweets.”

Helena’s breathing was strangled, trying to keep so much tamped down, “I know, just…just let me leave with this one thing. Let me leave with the image of you, still warm in our bed, half asleep, ready to keep dreaming of us. Just…let me leave with that small sense of normalcy. I cannot bear the thought of you watching me walk out the door.”

Myka could feel her tears trickling into her ears, but she managed a small, teasing chuckle, “I thought _I_ was supposed to be the insufferable one.”

Helena’s smile was full, breathtaking, even with tears glistening on her cheeks, “You’ve finally rubbed off on me it would seem.”

Helena’s phone buzzed in her hand, a message, a warning from Claudia, _”Just hit your street.”_

Helena tried to sigh, but it caught in her throat, “They’re almost here.” She squeezed Myka’s hands, “Myka…”

“No,” Myka shook her head vigorously, “I will stay in this bed as requested, but we aren’t doing this. We aren’t acting like this is forever. You’re going to kiss me and tell me you love me, and that’s it. If you give me a speech, I’ll never be able to watch you go.”

“You let me give you one all of three hours ago love.”

“I didn’t have to let you go then. Now I do.”

Helena didn’t say another word, just ran the back of her fingertips along Myka’s cheek, collecting her tears as they went. Once her fingers hit Myka’s curls, she tangled them in her hair, drawing her up and away from the pillows, leaning down to meet her halfway. Something about the slowness, the intentionality of this kiss reminded Helena of their first kiss draped in the cold and the snow, and the remembrance of it was enough to bring a fresh wave of tears to her eyes. She couldn’t bring herself to break away, and so she was thankful when Myka did it for her, pulling in a stuttering breath as she went. Myka’s voice was rough, tight, barely keeping it together, “You’ve got to go Swagger.”

“I know.”

Myka gave her a warm smile, “Go show this world everything that I know that you are, go show them that swagger.”

“I’ll try my best love.” Helena kissed her one more time, whispering against her lips, “I love you so much.”

Myka swallowed back more tears, willing herself to hold on as she met Helena’s eyes with a steady, sure gaze, “I love you too, always.”

There was another buzz of Helena’s phone, _“We’re here.”_

Myka gave her a crooked smile, another quick squeeze of their hands, “Go, Sweets. Call me when you land.”

Helena nodded, “I will. Ok,” she leaned in, leaving a final, lingering kiss to Myka’s lips, “Try and go back to sleep.”

Myka smiled, “I’ll try. Go get ‘em Swagger.”

Helena finally forced herself to disentangle from the bed, from the warmth, from Myka. She steeled her shoulders, willing herself to walk with more strength than she felt. She allowed herself one more moment before she left, nothing more than a quick glance over her shoulder as she stood in the bedroom doorway, but it was enough to get a final glimpse of Myka, propped up on her elbow, curls an utter riot around her face, a bright, assured smile on her face, despite the tears Helena could see reflected in the scant dawn twilight. It was a small moment, a thing of mere seconds, but for Helena it was _enough_. It was enough to give her the courage, the _will_ to walk out the door.

**

Myka kept her composure, knew she _needed_ to, on the off-chance that Helena returned. On the off-chance she had forgotten something, on the off-chance of _anything_. So, she stayed steady, focusing on her breathing until the moment that she heard the definitive, deafening click of their front door shutting. She slumped back against her pillows, staring blankly at the empty space next to her, the space still faintly warm from Helena’s body. It was only when she heard the slow grinding of tires against their driveway, the subsequent surge of an engine accelerating away that she let her composure slip, collapse, break apart completely. It was only then, once Helena was very much _gone_ that she curled into Helena’s vacant pillows and cried, cried in a way that she never would have wanted Helena to see.

**

_Hartford, CT, “Wonder Found” Tour, Opening Night, Early June 2012_

“And, last but not least,” Kelly gave a dramatic wave of her arm towards the closed door in front of her and Helena, “ _your_ dressing room.” She opened the door with a flourish, before checking her watch, “Everything you could ever need is in there. You guys have about an hour and half to kill. Sleep, read, practice, the time is yours.” Kelly’s cell phone buzzed. Distractedly, she checked the message, “Jesus…first night kinks…I have to go talk to the sound guy. I’ll see you in a little bit.”

Helena twisted her hands uncertainly, feeling completely out of place and uncertain about what to do. Kelly had given them an extensive tour of their backstage area in order to give them a general idea of how it would be laid out at each venue, give or take a few changes. Claudia had peeled off from the group at her own dressing room, claiming with an odd mixture of exuberance and nerves, that she wanted a bit of practice time along before they met up for final prep. Pete was up on the stage working through the final bits of setup. He had, much to the crew guys frustration, declared that he would set up his own drums. Helena felt it had more to do with dispelling nervous energy than fear that the crew guys would mess something up, and she did not begrudge Pete that outlet, as she suddenly found herself wishing _she_ had instruments to check or tune or setup or _anything_. Her ear monitors had been fitted weeks ago, and they had made sure her stage monitors worked at sound check, so she was woefully without something to do, other than wait out what the time that remained before they went on stage. In passing, she wondered if she should join Steve where he was meditating out on a patch of lawn behind the stage. She shrugged, she would have to figure out a routine that worked for her, something that would help her pass these slow minutes. She figured she would get there, eventually. Myka had promised her there would be a settling in period, but that she would find her footing, and things would settle into a natural rhythm. 

She stepped a bit hesitantly into her dressing room, her eyes trying to take in everything at once. The rolling racks of her clothes, an indication that her wardrobe was very much _her choice_ for the duration of the tour, which she was thankful for; her makeup setup on the vanity; a table set out with tea and other snacks, mostly granola, yogurt, and fruit with a small note from Kelly: _“The junk food is in Claudia and Pete’s rooms...I figured I’d try my best to keep some of you healthy.”_ She chuckled softly, somehow feeling her nerves beginning to dissipate simply by being surrounded by some of her own things. She moved towards the vanity, smiling warmly as she saw that Kelly had tucked a picture of her and Myka into the frame, a question in the back of her mind at how on earth she had managed all of this, but deciding it was better not to question Kelly’s well-thought out maneuverings. 

Her eyes eventually drifted to a small bag that was resting on the couch. It certainly wasn’t hers, and she didn’t recognize it as belonging to any of the others. Her fingers plucked the card out from the top of the items piled inside, warmth instantly flooding her body at the recognition of her name written in Myka’s handwriting across the front. Inside was a postcard of the Warehouse with a message from Myka on the back:

_“Swagger,  
Consider this a little bit of a tour survival kit. I figured someone should benefit from all the mistakes I made my first couple of years on tour when I was always forgetting things that ended up being completely necessary. Good luck tonight. I know you’re nervous—remember what I told you before your first show, you should always be a little bit nervous. You’ve got this. You are going to blow everyone away with that voice of yours, I know it, because it did just that to me the first time I heard you sing. I love you. ~Myka”_

Helena shook her head incredulously. Sometimes she didn’t even know what to do with Myka and all of the ways she always knew exactly what Helena needed. She started sifting through the items in the bag, each one marked with a different colored post-it note. There was a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of honey tied together: _“There will be days your voice hurts like hell. Make Kelly buy lemons. Also…there will be days you want to punch Pete, the whiskey will help with that too.”_ There was a small box of ear plugs that made Helena’s brow knit together until she read the note: _“You’re sleeping on a bus with Pete…these will be necessary.”_ She chuckled; she had been in the same room while Pete napped before, the ear plugs would hopefully help guard against his snoring. There were various snacks, most of which you could only get in Colorado, plus a couple of books of crosswords and puzzles. At the bottom of the bag were tubes of chapstick and bottles of sunscreen: _“I love your freckles, but trust me…sunburn and touring is a bad combo.”_ There were a couple of packs of different colored pens tied to a small, leather bound journal: _“I know you packed a couple, but my guess is, you’ll fill those this summer, so it can’t hurt to have one more. Get all those lyrics out of your head. And there’s a present inside from Ethan…”_ Helena untied the string around the journal and opened it to have a piece of folded paper slide into her hands. Ethan had drawn her a picture that looked an awful lot like the band on stage and he had scrawled across it, most likely with a lot of help from Tracy, “Good luck.” She tucked it back into the pages of the journal, glad to have another item to tack up in her corner of the bus, along with the myriad of pictures she had brought along. 

She pulled out her phone, fingers moving of their own accord to dial Myka, who answered almost instantly, “Hey rock star.”

“ _You_ are a very sneaky woman Myka Bering.”

“I have my moments…”

Helena chuckled, “How on earth did you manage it?”

Helena could practically _hear_ Myka shrugging, “I put it together earlier in the week and asked Kelly to take it with her when she headed out.”

“ _Sneaky_ , and I love you for it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, and I love you too. So, couple more hours, how ya doin’?”

Helena let out a small sigh, “Good, I think. I don’t quite know. I’m rather uncertain about what I should be doing.”

“Whatever it takes for you to relax and have a good time. You’ll figure out a rhythm.”

“I suppose…”

“You will. Seriously, just go have fun, get your mind off of what’s coming. It will do wonders for your nerves, I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that love.”

“You do that. Ok, _go_ , have a good time. Get yourself ready, and call me after.”

“I will. Thank you Myka.”

“Anytime Swagger. Go get ‘em.”

She couldn’t quite describe it, but in that moment, hanging up from Myka, it suddenly hit her how very _real_ this was, how much she needed to _enjoy_ each second of it. She grabbed her book out of her bag, picked up an apple and a bottle of iced tea from the snack table, and decided the last thing she wanted to do was spend their few free hours holed up alone in her dressing room. She wandered through the halls, slowly navigating her way to the stage, where she found Pete, sitting in front of his completely assembled drum kit, legs swinging off the stage, head buried in one of his gaming systems, bottle of cream soda next to him. He must have heard her steps approaching, because his head perked up, “H.G.! You have to come check out this view!”

She smiled and trekked up one of the sets of old fashioned metal stairs that they had requested to flank the stage and lead up to Pete’s drums. When she got to the top she looked out over the empty arena, the vastness of it, “Wow…”

“I know right? I can’t imagine what it’s going to look like full of people.” He patted the empty space next to him, gesturing to her book, “Sit it down, keep me company.”

She settled next to him, nudging his shoulder and pointing to something next to him, “I will keep you company if you split that candy bar with me.”

Pete grinned, “I must be desperate for the company because you’ve got a deal.”

Pete handed over the other half of his candy bar, fighting back a grimace when Helena forced him to eat half of her apple. They sat like that for almost an hour, Pete playing his game, Helena reading her book and occasionally stealing sips of Pete’s cream soda after she had finished her iced tea. Eventually, Pete nudged her thigh, pointing to the back of the arena, “Our fans await, H.G.” 

Her breath flooded out of her as she watched the first few people trickle in, reality finally hitting full force. She turned to Pete, cocky smile on her face, “You ready for this, Peter?”

“You know it. You?”

“Absolutely.”

Pete pulled his phone out of his pocket, “Come on, picture before this place fills up.” They turned around and he snapped a picture of them, the empty arena serving as their backdrop. “I’ll send it to Mykes and ‘Mands.”

Helena nodded, staring back out at the seats, imagining them full. Pete stood, offering a hand to pull her up, “Almost show time, H.G. Let’s do this.”

Helena followed him down the stairs and realized that without even knowing it she had found her routine, or what she hoped _would_ be her routine. An empty arena, her book, a shared candy bar, a begrudgingly eaten apple, Pete’s fingers tapping against the buttons of his game, and a quiet sense that this was where she was meant to be.

**

With the tour bus wheels spinning underneath them that night, Helena called Myka, who didn’t even bother to say hello before asking with a certain mixture of exuberance and nervousness, “How’d it go?”

Helena leaned back into her pillows, contented sigh leaving her lungs, smile still plastered to her face, images of thousands of people still playing out behind her eyes, “It was… _wondrous_.”

“I told you Swagger...you’re going to take the world by storm.”

**

_Saratoga Springs, NY, “Wonder Found” tour, early June 2012_

Helena could feel the wheels of the tour bus thrumming underneath her, her body still was not quite acclimated to the insistent shudder of the bulk of the bus, the constant, albeit quieter than expected, noise of the engine, the tires. She figured at some point she would simply grow to appreciate the comfort of it, but that day had not quite come yet, especially when it kept making her almost miss phone calls, unable to detect the vibration of her phone amidst the blankets on her bunk. When her ear finally picked up on faint shaking of her phone, her fingers had to scramble to swipe across the screen so as not to miss Myka’s call, “Hello love.”

Myka’s voice sounded a bit harried and slightly confused, “Hey Sweets, have you seen my blue flannel shirt?”

Helena bit her lip to keep her voice from betraying anything, “Umm darling, you are aware that it is _June_?”

Myka’s sigh was frustrated, “ _I am_. However, it is fucking _cold_ here. I swear you took all the warm weather with you.”

“There are many things that I am guilty of, but that is not one of them.”

“Uh huh. So here I am, running a bit late for work, and I _cannot find my shirt_. Cut me some slack here, _save me_ , have you seen it?”

“I feel it prudent to mention that you have an entire closet of long-sleeved shirts…” Helena knew she was hedging.

Myka’s tone suddenly turned suspicious, “And I feel it prudent to mention that you seem determined to not answer my question.”

Helena gave a small half-sigh, half-chuckle, “Hold on a second…”

“Hel…”

“Myka, just hold on for two seconds.” She set her phone down, hopped out of her bunk and ducked underneath Claudia’s bed to extract her suitcase. She rifled through one of the stacks of clothes, pulling out the aforementioned lost shirt. She shrugged it on and picked up her phone, snapping a quick picture of her apologetic face, and sent it to Myka. She put her phone back to her ear, “Check your messages darling.”

Helena heard the tapping of Myka’s fingers against her screen until her voice came back on the line, laughing softly, “You stole my shirt…”

“Now _that_ is something I am guilty of, however, I will say you have had my sweatshirt for over a year, _and_ you have an entire closet of my clothes to steal. Also…I didn’t really think you’d be needing it this summer.”

“All of those statements are exceedingly accurate, though I must say, you’ve got to let the sweatshirt thing go. It’s mine, _accept it_.”

“Never, darling.”

“I have to admit, somehow, my shirt looks better on you…” Myka’s voice sounded a bit off-kilter, almost wanting.

Helena was well acquainted with the particular tone Myka was using, “You said you were late for work…”

“I am, but dammit now I’m distracted.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I apologize darling, for the distraction and for the stealing.”

“Suddenly, I find myself incapable of complaining. Ugh…now I really _am_ late. Which means dealing with cranky artists, and that is not a pleasant prospect.”

“I’m sorry love. Get going and call me later this evening.”

“Will do. Oh! I sent you something by the way, if you haven’t checked your email.”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “That sounds cryptic.”

Myka’s tone was coy, teasing, “Just something I’d like your input on.”

“Well that just clears everything up.”

“Indeed. Ok, I love you and I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you too. Good luck with the crankiness.”

“Ugh thanks…”

Helena chuckled as she disconnected the call, despite the small tugging in her chest, the sudden, swift reminder of how much she missed Myka, even though it had only been a week. It wasn’t really a thought that ever _went away_ , but on occasion it drifted from the forefront of her mind, only to careen forward at random moments and take her by surprise, steal her breath, and make her ache in a way that she felt she should probably be embarrassed by, but couldn’t quite manage the effort. She did take a small amount of comfort in the fact that every time Pete got off the phone with Amanda, he had a certain _look_ in his eye that told her he knew exactly how she felt. It also helped that Myka wasn’t exactly hiding her own early struggles with their distance, sending more random texts than usual, never quite wanting to hang up the phone. They were all still adjusting, and it did wonders for her mindset to know that none of them were alone in that process.

She clambered back into her bed, pulling her laptop onto her lap, and opened up her email. As promised, in her inbox was an email from Myka, with the subject line, “Help.” There was a sound file attached to the message, which gave only the smallest of hints from Myka as to what the file was.

_So…I’ve been working on this the last couple of days and I’ve hit a wall. You had asked if you could write this song with me, and I hope that you will…since my brain has stopped working apparently and because there’s no one else who should write the rest of this with me. I’ve attached a couple of verses, they’re really short, but I didn’t want to add more to it than what has already been said…I’m begging you Swagger, find me a chorus. Love you. (Also… headphones would probably be a good idea.)_

Helena fumbled to detach her headphones from her iPod and get them plugged into her computer, her mind swirling around the implications of Myka’s words about wanting to write _this song_ with her, memories of words spoken in the dark hours of the night flooded her mind. She plugged her headphones in and waited impatiently for the attachment to download. She noticed that Myka had left the file simply named “Untitled,” waiting until whatever it was to be finished in order to give it a title. She took a deep breath and hit play.

The arrangement was simple, striped down, still so clearly in the early beginnings of Myka’s process, nothing more than a bare bones piano line, soft runs of eighth notes that Helena was sure would sound completely different by the time the entire thing was done. She could hear the small intake of breath before Myka started singing. She loved that, loved hearing when Myka was just beginning something, when a song was in its earliest days, still new, still raw, still just a bit uncertain. Myka’s voice though, was ethereal, whispered and faint, as though she was singing something meant only for Helena to hear. Once Helena actually heard the lyrics, she realized that probably was very true.

_“I don’t want to talk right now…I just want your arms wrapped around…me in this moment before it runs out..”_

Heat chased into Helena’s cheeks at the exact moment that tears rimmed her eyes, remembering far too intimately the situation in which she had said those words to Myka. Words whispered into Myka’s ear, while Helena’s fingers had been lost between her thighs. On some level, she knew she had been teasing Myka that night about writing a song at that moment, _about_ that moment, but knowing that Myka _had_? There was something deeply satisfying about it, satisfying, attractive, wildly distracting, and extremely sexy. 

There was a pause in the music, brief moments, snippets of piano that Myka had recorded, clearly in an effort to just get them down somewhere on the off-chance they fit in with the eventual final product. Helena listened to them, waiting for the next round of words. 

_“I can’t pull you closer than this…it’s just you and the moon on my skin…for who says it ever has to end…”_

Laughter bubbled past Helena’s lips. She certainly _had_ been teasing Myka in that moment, telling her she was waxing lyrical, but she should have known that Myka would be the type of person to take that joke and twist it into something haunting and beautiful, something that made chills run down Helena’s spine at the memory of Myka telling her how much she loved the moonlight dancing along her skin. God, she thought, even if they finished this song, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to let anyone but them hear it. It would be so…intimate. A far too perfect example of a love song that was solely about them.

The file ended so abruptly that Helena was surprised by the realization that Myka hadn’t been kidding about just having a few things written. Her brain was already swirling with potential words to fill in Myka’s gaps, their last night together racing through her mind in quick snapshots and turns of phrase. Before she could fall too far down the well of memories and writing, she typed out a quick text to Myka.

_“I never want to hear another word about my being distracting ever again.”_

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about…”_

_“I’m glowering at you Myka Bering…”_

_“So…what do you think?”_

_“It’s breathtaking…and distracting, but mostly, it’s wonderful.”_

_“Help me finish it?”_

_“Already working on it darling, I’ll send you something as soon as I have it.”_

Helena let out a sigh as she leaned back against her pillows, pressing play on her computer again, this time letting herself try and feel the rhythm, the pulse, the tone Myka was trying to set up. Despite the _distraction_ , she let herself replay, slower this time, their last night together, the words they had said, the words they so clearly _hadn’t_ said out loud. She pulled out the journal Myka had sent her and began scribbling, just single words at first, hints of phrases, as she remembered the way that Myka had looked with the glow from the skylight tripping across her face, the words that Myka had said about feeling like the stars were watching them, the way that in that moment Helena hadn’t cared one ounce for anything other than Myka, than them. 

It took longer than she expected to fit everything together, but later that night in her dressing room, mere moments before she was supposed to go out on stage, she sent a quick email to Myka.

_“I think I found our chorus. Lucky for me, you gave me plenty of inspiration. ~H.”_

**

_Warehouse 13 Studios, Colorado Springs, early June 2012_

Myka’s phone buzzed with an email notification, pulling her out of the stupor she had sunk into the second she had let Philip and Sally go out to grab dinner. Her expectation that they would be cranky with her getting to the studio late had been woefully accurate, and it certainly didn’t help that there seemed to be some sort of tension simmering between Philip and Sally which Myka had zero interest in getting thrown into. To say that their recording session had been trying would have been putting a positive spin on it, but every time she tried to send them home they insisted on continuing on. 

She opened the email from Helena, almost surprised that she had sent something so quickly. It was the kind of small comfort she needed on a day filled with frustration and uncertainty. The idea that even on opposite ends of the country, they could have _this_ , some small semblance of feeling as though they were doing something together. She clicked open the attachment, not even bothering with headphones. It was a short file, only a matter of seconds, but they were seconds she needed to hear. She could tell Helena had most likely recorded it in the bathroom, one of the few places with decent acoustics when you were on tour, and she smiled to think of her sneaking away and locking the door, simply to get these few words out. 

_“Let’s let the stars watch, let them stare…let the wind eavesdrop, I don’t care…for all that we’ve got…don’t let go…just hold…me.”_

“God…she’s good…” Myka whispered, an uncontainable smile breaking out on her face. It was exactly how that moment had felt, like nothing else in the world mattered other than them and how they could not get enough of each other. She replayed it over and over, letting Helena’s voice, her perfect, knee-weakening voice, wash over her. 

She was so entranced she didn’t hear the door to the studio opening, the footsteps coming down the hall, anything until Sally’s voice broke the bubble around her, “Wow…who wrote that?”

Myka’s head jerked to look behind her, taking in the unreadable look on Sally’s face. Myka couldn’t tell if Sally was impressed or doubtful. She quickly pushed pause on her phone, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks, “It was Helena. Just something we’re working on.”

Sally arched her eyebrow, “Well...it’s good to see she can keep up with your writing. We brought dinner.”

Myka went to respond, but Sally just turned on her heel and walked back out into the hallway. Myka rolled her eyes, mumbling, “Absolutely ridiculous,” before clicking over to her messaging. She checked her watch, their set had probably already started.

_“You are amazing. I love it. I love you.”  
“I’ll start working on music tonight when I get home. Also…I think we still need a bridge.”_

Over an hour later, as Myka attempted to ignore another round of Philip and Sally’s bickering about a change to one of their arrangements, her phone buzzed again. She slid open the text.

_“Problem solved. This came to me tonight in the middle of our set. And because I am amazing, I couldn’t wait to get it to you, so I did this really quick before our encore…which is why it might sound rushed.”_

Myka snuck back to her old bedroom, certain that she wouldn’t be missed. The file Helena had attached to her text was short, a scant few seconds, but when Myka heard it, she knew it was the last piece that they needed to fit everything together. Helena was right, it sounded a little rushed and her voice was breathless, but it somehow _worked_ perfectly.

_“Oh don’t…say that it’s over…oh no…say it ain’t so…”_

Myka leaned back against the wall, fighting back tears that had crept up on her unexpectedly. She wasn’t sure what had caused it, the rush of memories from that night, the way that Helena just somehow always knew what to say, or the simple fact that hearing Helena’s voice made them feel closer. Whatever it was it overwhelmed her in a wave of emotions she wasn’t quite prepared to handle. Before she could process all the thoughts running around her head, Philip’s voice echoed down the hallway, “Myka, we’re ready.”

She sighed and swiped a nail underneath her eyes. Work first, emotions later.

**

“We should do this more.”

Myka chuckled as she sprawled out across the couch, attempting to not spill her wine in the process, “What? Talk? I think we’ve been doing that pretty well, so far.”

“I’m sure you can _hear_ me rolling my eyes at you, Sleepy. _Write_. Well, write like this. I know today was a bit out of our usual routine with that, but I liked it, the back and forth. It made it feel as though you were here. Which maybe sounds strange, I don’t know, I’m exhausted, blame my incoherence on post-show come down.”

In that moment, Myka could picture Helena almost perfectly, hand pushing through her hair, head buried against her pillows, exhausted, incredulous, gorgeous. She let out another, small laugh, “No, I get it, and you’re right. It felt different, writing like this, but in a good way.”

“Well then, it’s settled. More writing, more us, more of today.”

“Wow…you are exhausted aren’t you?”

Helena gave a loud groan, “Bloody hell, yes. I’m sorry love.”

Myka grinned, “It’s ok. Trust me, I understand. Just tell me before you pass out, how was tonight?”

Helena sighed, though it sounded contented, “Tonight was different. Tonight was the first time that I could actually _hear_ the crowd singing back at us, as though they knew every word, and there was this moment…it was during ‘Last Hope’ that I swear they could have drowned me out. They all had their cell phones out and I could see the first couple of rows just singing like crazy. It was…overwhelming and wonderful and I don’t know how to describe it really.”

“It’s the moment when you realize for the first time that maybe, just maybe, the words you’ve written have changed people.”

“ _Yes_. God, Myka, it was amazing.”

“It’s powerful…when that finally happens, when it sinks in.” Myka took a long sip of her wine. Her brain felt fuzzy, a strange combination of exhaustion, happiness, nostalgia, and acute aching. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine that Helena was there next to her, not thousands of miles away, “So Swagger, my amazing rock star, are you happy?”

There was a long pause, before Myka heard Helena take a deep, steadying breath, “I am, in a very specific, adrenaline-induced way. Though…I do wish…” Helena’s words died off.

“You wish what Sweets?”

“That you were here…”

Myka’s gaze fell around their empty house, “I know…I do too…”

**

_McCabe’s Tavern, Colorado Springs, mid-June 2012_

“Have you seen this?” Amanda slid her phone across the table to Myka.

Myka looked at the open browser on the screen, the headline, “All Work, All Play: How Seeking Endless Wonder have become the hottest ticket of the summer.” Myka’s eyes widened, “No, I haven’t.”

Amanda shook her head a bit incredulously, gesturing her fork towards the phone, “Just watch the video. They’re all insane.”

“Well, we kind of already knew that,” Myka said as she clicked the video at the top of the article. The sound was fuzzy, but the scene seemed clear enough. She looked up at Amanda, “Are they playing frisbee?” 

“Yes. On the lawn of one of the arenas, with a massive throng of fans.”

Myka continued watching the distinct image of the four of them laughing and running around a large swath of lawn with at least twenty other people. She chuckled, “How on earth did that not end up totally out of control?”

“No idea. The entire article is about how the four of them have somehow managed to have moments like this, where they’re just doing something completely normal and ordinary, yet they’re doing it with fans, just kind of welcoming them into their world, not shying away from the attention.”

Myka scrolled through the article, picking up glimpses of phrases like, “selling out across the country,” “infectious presence,” and “willingness to just hang out with their fans.” She slid Amanda’s phone back towards her, “By the end of the summer, there isn’t going to be a single person in this country that doesn’t know who they are. The reviews they’ve been getting have been ridiculous, one after the other about how fantastic the show is.”

Amanda gave a small, half smile, “We’ve got superstars on our hands it would seem.”

Myka watched as a brief flash of concern chased across Amanda’s face. She reached out and tapped a finger against the back of Amanda’s hand, “Hey…you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” but Amanda’s voice sounded too forced.

Myka gave her an incredulous look, “Liar.”

Amanda sighed as she let her fork slip, clattering against her plate, “I just…I never anticipated it being this _hard_. I feel like such an asshole, because I’m happy for them, and I love that this is happening, but I miss having Pete home. I hate feeling like we’re living separate lives.”

Myka shifted her hand to hold on to Amanda’s, “Believe me, I know. It’s…it’s a weird place to be in, wanting them home, but wanting them to have this. Happy that they’re happy, miserable that they’re happy and you aren’t there.”

“Sometimes I feel like two people, one who is crazy happy that her husband is turning into this big rock star, living out his dream, and the other who just wishes she actually _saw_ her husband. It’s exhausting.”

“It just takes some getting used to, I guess. It’s all still fairly new, by the end of the summer, hopefully things will feel normal.”

Amanda bit the corner of her lip, “I’m not sure I want this to ever feel _normal_ , being apart for these long stretches.”

“I know, maybe normal isn’t the best word. Maybe, hopefully by the end of the summer…maybe it just won’t hurt as much.”

Amanda sighed again, “Yeah…maybe…”

**

The next morning, at an ungodly, still dark hour, Myka’s phone rang. Her hand reached out to grope for it where it rested on her nightstand, all the while refusing to remove her head from her pillow. Without looking at the screen, she swiped across it in what she hoped was the right movement to answer, “Hello?”

“Bloody hell, I _knew_ I would wake you up,” Helena’s voice was strained, barely under control.

Myka rolled over so quickly she felt her back twinge at the movement. She sat up, hand immediately moving through her hair, “Helena? What’s the matter?”

“It’s…it’s nothing,” Helena’s voice immediately deflated. She sounded unlike anything Myka had ever heard from her before, almost weak.

“Clearly not. Talk to me.”

“I’ve just had a rather…difficult…morning, and I hate these bloody, fucking _time zones_ , because I hate that I had to wake you up in order to talk to you…and I am so _tired_. Which I realize is an utterly ridiculous thing to say to the person I just pulled out of bed.”

Myka let out a slow breath, easing back into her pillows, all the while tugging one of Helena’s over from her side of the bed and holding it to her chest, “It’s ok. I don’t care. _You know_ I don’t care. You could wake me up every morning, I would always answer. Just talk to me, because clearly I can tell that _something_ is up, because you said ‘bloody’ and ‘fucking’ at the same time, which is practically inconceivable with your British sensibilities.” That thankfully garnered a laugh from Helena, though it was tight and a little too high pitched to ease Myka’s mind. “Ah, there’s my girl. Ok, talk to me…tell me about this difficult morning.”

Helena groaned, “It really is nothing, I mean, it’s _something_ , but I’m sure it will sound like nothing.”

“Swagger…just tell me. Something, nothing, anything, I don’t care, just talk to me.”

“Claudia and I decided that it would be nice to get out this morning, away from all the chaos, grab some coffee and try to write. We figured the different atmosphere would help, and plus, we just thought it would be _nice_ to go out and get a cup of coffee. I swear Myka, we hadn’t been there for more than ten minutes and the place was a complete _mad house_. There were people everywhere, snapping pictures and just generally swarming us. Eventually, Claudia figured out someone had put something on Twitter about us being there and it just got completely out of control. We had to leave, which, believe me, took forever, and I don’t know, we got out and back to the bus and it just all kind of hit me. _This_ is what it’s going to be like isn’t it? Constantly having people around, paying attention to our every move, taking as many pictures as possible. And all I wanted was to talk to you, and again I say _bloody time zones_ , because I hate that you are hours away, that you’re still asleep when my day has been going for hours, I hate that I had to wake you up, I hate that you’re not just _here_ , that I’m not _there_. I just…” she paused to take a stuttering breath, one that sounded like it was masking a cascade of tears, “I just miss you…”

Myka sighed softly, her own tears running down her cheeks, though she tried to make sure that her voice masked them. Her own emotions, her own complete ache for Helena, somehow it felt like they wouldn’t help the situation any, “Oh Sweets, I miss you too, and I’m sorry that I’m not there, that you’re not here, but you know, you know _I’m here_. Hours, miles, _time zones_ , they don’t matter. I’m always here.”

“But you aren’t _here_.” Helena’s voice was quiet, resigned, defeated. Myka could almost picture her worrying a hand through her hair as she spoke, “I just never thought it would be this hard…”

Myka wasn’t sure if Helena was talking about them, the distance, the timing of everything, or about fame and its ensuing complications. She didn’t try and guess, but simply said the first thing that came to her mind, “Amanda said the same thing to me yesterday actually.”

“Well, good to know that we aren’t alone. I just keep thinking, this is what my life is now. All the damn attention, people wanting to know everything about me, not being able to do anything without it garnering commentary, being away from you…”

Myka bit down on her lip, never in her life had she wanted to lie more, “I wish I could say that that wasn’t the case, Helena. However…”

“However, it’s bloody _true_ and that is…that is so many things that I can’t even articulate them properly at the moment.”

“It’s…it’s _partially_ true. In some ways, yes, this is kind of your new normal. At least while you’re out on tour and away from home. There are going to be reporters and fans and more people than you can process just wanting a glimpse of you, and that is overwhelming and frustrating and an inevitable side effect of being insanely successful. However, when you’re home? Well, you’re _home_. Life can still be normal here. No one has ever hounded us when we’ve gone out for coffee or been out running. So, at least in this one little corner of the world, you can escape some of that.”

“It’s all so exhausting, Myka. I don’t feel like I’m ever ‘off,’ like I can just _exist_ without my every move being analyzed.”

Myka gave an involuntary shudder, remembering far too intimately that very feeling, and how that very feeling was what led to her hating being on the road, “I know, trust me, I know. It can wear you down, it can suck every ounce of joy out of all of this, that feeling.” She took a deep breath, “I let that feeling do that to me, Helena. I let the attention and the weariness and all of that sap me of everything, I let it take over to the point that I didn’t appreciate the incredible journey I was on. I don’t want to see that happen to you. I want to believe that this is just one shitty day, one shitty morning, which will fade. I’ve seen the coverage Helena. I saw the frisbee video, you guys were having fun. You have been so strong through all of this, and this is just…this is one moment of getting caught up and worn out and overwhelmed. It doesn’t always have to feel like that, not if you don’t want it to.”

“Are you saying you wanted to always feel like that?”

Myka let out a small puff of laughter, “I thought we were talking about you, not psychoanalyzing my behavior almost ten years ago.”

Helena chuckled, though it sounded half-hearted, “Just answer the question love.”

Myka was glad Helena couldn’t see her rolling her eyes, “I’m saying that I think I let all the frustration and overwhelming parts of touring drive me crazy because they were too convenient of an excuse to ignore the real reason I was miserable. If I’m honest with myself, there were parts of touring I adored, that I still do miss, however…well, I let myself forget those parts because I was too busy focusing on all the shitty things because it helped me ignore Sam and I’s problems.”

“I don’t always want to feel this way, Myka.”

“I know you don’t, and I honestly believe that you won’t. This was inevitable, there’s always a come down point once you settle into a rhythm, and it’s understandable that at some point you were going to feel really overwhelmed. All I’m saying is, don’t let this momentary feeling override the dominant feeling of how much you’re loving what you’re doing.”

“I do…love it.”

“Why do you sound like you’re apologizing to me for that statement?”

Helena’s sigh was defeated, heartbreaking, “Because I don’t ever want you to think that I prefer this…”

“Uh uh, nope, no, _do not_ finish that sentence. Helena, I would _never_ think that. Plus, this isn’t a competition between which parts of your life you love more. Sweets, I love _you_ , all of you, every single, damn part of your life. I know you love what you’re doing. I know you love me. I don’t see those things as mutually exclusive, so please for the love of God do not add that worry to your already worrisome morning.”

“I should wake you up more often. You’re quite eloquent when you’re half-asleep.”

“I try my best.” Myka choked back a yawn, hoping that Helena couldn’t hear it, “Are you going to be ok?”

There was a long pause before Myka heard Helena take a deep breath, “I think so. We don’t have sound check until three, so I might try and take a nap, forget the morning happened.”

“I think that’s a good plan,” Myka couldn’t hold back the next yawn that overcame her.

“You need to go back to bed.”

“I’ll try, though I don’t really have that much longer until my alarm.”

“You will be horrendously cranky if you don’t, so I would advise a valiant attempt.”

Myka laughed softly, “Ok, but only because _you_ advised it.”

“I’ll take it. I love you darling. Thank you for allowing the early wake up call.”

“You’re more than welcome, and I love you too. Enjoy your nap.”

“Enjoy our bed.”

Myka grinned, hugging Helena’s pillow tighter, “Now that is something I can do.”

**

A couple of days later, as Myka sat in the crash room of the studio eating dinner with Sally and Philip, her phone rang with a FaceTime call. She burst out laughing the second that she answered, as she was faced with all four of their faces crammed around Helena’s phone, smiles on all of their faces, despite the fact that all of them seemed…wet. Once she got her laughter under control, she was able to voice the question that had immediately popped into her head, “Ok, _why the hell_ are all of you _wet_?”

“Oh come on Mykes, we look _sexy_ ,” Pete winked.

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m not sure sexy is the word Pete…well…” she fought back a small blush, “except for Helena obviously, which _hi_ by the way. Please, save me from further embarrassing commentary.”

Helena gave her a salacious smirk, “Oh don’t let me stop you darling, by all means continue.”

“Ok, ignoring _you_. Claud, Steve…save me here. Someone tell me why you all are soaking wet.”

The screen jerked towards Claudia, “It _poured_ tonight and it was absolutely _awesome_.”

Steve’s head popped back into the shot, “You should have seen the crowd, Myka. They were dancing and just going wild. It was raining like crazy and they didn’t care one bit.”

Myka couldn’t help the smile that overtook her, “That sounds…incredible. Those are some dedicated fans, sticking around through the rain.”

“Mykes!” Pete grabbed the phone from Claudia, “Guess what?”

Myka could head Helena’s voice in the background, “Honestly, do I get to talk to her at all?”

There was a resounding answer of, “No,” from the other three, and Myka could perfectly picture the incredulous look of frustration Helena was most likely giving them all. She was almost certain should could actually hear the small huff Helena let out, though she couldn’t be sure.

Pete returned his excited gaze back to the phone, “Again I say, guess what?”

Myka playfully rolled her eyes, “What Pete?”

“I am _surrounded_ by candy! Seriously, Mykes, even the lampposts here are shaped like Hershey Kisses.”

Claudia’s head popped onto the screen, “I’m pretty sure you can’t see his bed anymore because it’s covered in candy wrappers.”

“I would _live_ here if I could. They even have Twizzlers, Mykes, like _everywhere_.”

“How on earth are you not in a sugar coma right now?”

Pete grinned, “I’ve been training for this my whole life.” He thumped his hand against his stomach, “Trust me, I can handle this.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I don’t even want to think about that. Can I talk to Helena for a second?”

“Sure thing!”

“Oh so I can talk to her now, lovely.” Helena’s voice filtered over the phone before her face reappeared, “Hello darling.”

“You do realize you let them call me on your phone, basically guaranteeing that you wouldn’t be talking to me right?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I am woefully aware of that yes.”

“Ok good.” Myka gave her a small, almost bashful grin, “Buy me some Twizzlers…”

Helena chuckled warmly, “Already done love. I have an entire bag in my suitcase.”

Myka’s smile widened, “I love you. I also kind of love that Kelly booked you guys in Hershey.”

“I’ll convey your appreciation. Now, you just need to come get them,” Helena smirked.

“Sneaky woman,” Myka grinned, though it quickly devolved into a sigh. “Just a few more weeks and you’ll be home on break.”

“I may eat them all by then…”

“You wouldn’t!”

Helena gave Myka a teasing grin, one with a hint of flirtation underneath of it, “You have no idea what I’d do in order to see you darling.” Myka felt her cheeks flush, which Helena quickly noticed, “You’re blushing again love.”

“Hush…”

Helena simply arched an eyebrow at her, but moved on, “So, along with all of us wanting to see your beautiful face this evening darling, I also wanted to call and let you know we’re going out for a bit. We don’t have to leave until tomorrow morning so we’re going to go grab a late dinner and relax for a bit. I’m not sure how late we’ll be out, so I wanted to make sure I talked to you for a few minutes.”

Warmth spread through Myka’s chest, “You’re rather sweet, you know that?”

“It’s all the candy…”

The phone jerked quickly, bringing Myka face to face with Claudia and Pete. Claudia had her tongue stuck out, “You guys are disgusting. Adorable, but disgusting, and we’re stealing her now, or else she’ll stay on the phone all night giving you the googly eyes.”

“I _do not_ give ‘googly eyes’ Claudia!”

Pete turned his head to give Helena an incredulous look, “Dude, look in the mirror. You do. Deal with it.”

“I hate you all! Except you of course Myka,” Helena’s voice carried back through the phone.

Claudia rolled her eyes at Myka, “She loves us, she loves you, we’re going out.”

“Well, don’t let me get in the way. Just let me talk to her for one more second, Claud.”

Claudia huffed, but begrudgingly handed Helena back the phone. Myka chuckled at the look of frustration on Helena’s face, “I will remind you again that you brought this upon yourself, calling me with all of them, so that look on your face, though adorable, is kind of your own fault.”

“Trust me, it is a mistake I will never make again,” Helena smirked.

Myka lowered her voice a bit, “So…are you ok?”

Helena gave her a small nod, “I think so. Maybe the rain washed away all my frustration, I don’t know.”

“You seem better…more relaxed. I haven’t heard you sound this content in days.”

“I seem to have come back down to baseline. I mean all of that isn’t _gone_ …”

“But you’re handling it better?”

“I think so…mostly due to you darling.”

“I do what I can,” Myka winked. “Ok, I just wanted to check, so go have fun tonight. I love you.”

“I love you too darling. Are you still at work?”

“I am. I’ll text you when I’m home.”

“Ok. Don’t work too hard.”

“I won’t. Don’t _party_ too hard.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I would never.”

“Uh huh. G’night Swagger.”

“Good night love.”

When Myka ended the call, she was met with an inscrutable look from Sally, “That sounded…peppy.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Once you guys hit the road, you’ll understand.”

Sally’s eyes dropped back down to her take out container as she mumbled, “Oh, I’m _sure_ I will.”

**

_Columbia, MD, “Wonder Found” tour, mid-June 2012_

Helena collapsed onto her bed, completely exhausted. Their show that night had been good, not as great as some of the others, though she couldn’t quite pinpoint _why_ , but she did wonder if it was simply because she was starting to drag a bit. They’d been going for three straight weeks, without any breaks, and she still hadn’t quite adjusted to sleeping on the bus, leaving her woefully sleep deprived. It certainly didn’t help that she was quickly discovering that she was incapable of sleeping contentedly without Myka. She’d taken to tucking a pillow against her back in an effort to mimic the weight of Myka behind her, and while it helped, it wasn’t the same. They had a small break coming up in a couple of weeks, enough to let all of them get home for a couple of days, and though she and Myka had made several plans, she was beginning to wonder if she would be able to do anything other than lay in bed for four days, refusing to talk to anyone other than Myka. She couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her face at the mere thought of their bed, of them _in_ their bed. She sighed, _those_ thoughts were nothing but wildly unhelpful. She flipped open her laptop and sent Myka a Skype request while she plugged in her headphones.

Myka answered almost immediately, “Hey, I was hoping you’d call soon.”

Helena’s mouth went completely dry, her breath leaving her lungs in one swift exhalation. She couldn’t figure out anything to say, anything to do other than practically _gawk_ at the image before her. Myka reclined in their bed, head propped up on her elbow, glasses adorably askance, her hair a bit wild, the thinnest of straps from a tank top across her shoulders. 

Myka’s brow knit together, “Uh Swagger…you ok over there?”

Helena shook her head, in a vain attempt to clear it, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of Myka, “I’m sorry love…I just…” she let out a soft chuckle, “I believe you’re going to need to start wearing more clothing for these calls.”

Myka would have blushed, but she was too quickly distracted by Pete’s horrified face emerging from behind Helena’s bed curtain that he had thrown back, “Ugh, ewwww.” Helena tugged her headphones out of her ears as he pointed a finger between both of them, “No. No. No! Nope, I don’t need to hear that.”

Helena gave him an exasperated look, “You weren’t meant to hear anything, Peter, so one would say it is your own fault for eavesdropping.”

“I wasn’t eavesdropping! I was minding my own business getting ready for bed and then BAM there is sexy Myka talk and _gross_.”

“Hey!” Myka yelled loud enough to be heard over the headphones, “ _I_ didn’t say a thing.”

Helena unplugged her headphones so they both could hear her. Pete leaned forward to give Myka a pointed look, “Imagery, Mykes. Something I don’t need. Leave me to my sweet, innocent beliefs about you.”

“Oh Jesus…” Myka groaned. “Pete, go to bed!”

“Yes, Peter,” Helena pressed her palm against his forehead, pushing him away from her bed, “go to sleep.”

He leaned back in pointing a finger at Myka, “ _Best behavior_ , Myka.”

“Come on, Pete…you know me…I’m _always_ at my best,” Myka wiggled her eyebrows in near perfect imitation of Pete.

Pete’s face crumpled in horror, “Oh God…I’m leaving.”

“Good!” Helena and Myka spoke in unison. 

Once Pete’s head disappeared, Helena reclosed her bed curtain, adjusted her computer to rest against the wall, rolling onto her side to face the screen, and plugged her headphones back in. She sighed, “Joys of tour buses.”

Myka chuckled, unconsciously running a hand through her hair, eliciting an unrecognizable noise from Helena. She arched an eyebrow, “Something on your mind there Swagger?”

“There are _many_ things on my mind at the moment darling, none of which are being helped by you looking like that.”

“You called me less than forty-eight hours ago with a soaking wet t-shirt on, I don’t want to hear it.”

Helena bit at the corner of her lip, “Fair point.”

Myka grinned, “It’s only a few more days until you’re home.”

“Two weeks is not exactly what I would call a _few days_.”

“Ok…fair point, but still, it won’t be that long and you’ll be home and we’ll be together…”

“And I am seriously debating cancelling all of our plans…”

“If you would like to be the one to tell my mother you are bailing on her all because you want to keep me in bed, _be my guest_.”

“Do not tempt me, Myka Bering. _You_ would probably end up being the only one embarrassed by that conversation.”

Myka cringed, “That’s probably true.”

Helena watched the way that one of Myka’s curls kept refusing to stay behind her ear, the way her eyes were shining behind her glasses, the small, though noticeable, movement of her breathing. She let out a wanting sigh, “I miss you.”

Myka chuckled, biting down on her lip, “Ya know, I couldn’t tell.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Are you telling me that you _don’t_ miss me?”

Myka leveled an incredulous look at Helena, “Oh yes, that’s _exactly_ what I’m saying.”

Helena grinned wickedly, “So you do… _miss me_?”

Myka wondered if this was how prey felt when backed into a corner, all the while desperately trying to ignore the heat spreading out from her abdomen, “Please don’t use that tone with me…”

“What tone?” Helena looked like the picture of innocence.

“The tone that you know will get me to say things that will leave me blushing and embarrassed.”

Helena shrugged, “I was simply asking if you missed me.”

Myka groaned, knowing far too well how easily she could give in to this, feeling her own voice lowering to a dangerous level, “I’m going crazy without you. It’s exceedingly distracting.”

“Whatever shall we do about that love?”

“ _Nothing_ , since you are on a tour bus with far too many people around.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Spoil sport.”

Myka leveled a heated gaze at Helena, “You just wait until you get you home.”

“Oh darling,” Helena’s voice dipped to a deeper register, “I am counting the days.”

**

_Charlotte, NC, “Wonder Found” tour, late June 2012_

It should have been nothing, absolutely nothing. An innocent sentence in the middle of a bar. A joke, more than anything. However, when it’s been almost a month since you’ve seen your girlfriend, when you’re both on the brink of going crazy for missing each other, an innocent _nothing_ can turn into a dangerous _everything_.

It was a rare night off for all of them. Their show in Charlotte had been the night before, but they didn’t need to be in Atlanta until the next day, so for once, they found themselves in the middle of the city, with absolutely nothing to do but enjoy themselves. Claudia had been the one to find the bar, a strange cross between arcade and cafe, with wall to wall pool tables and enough space for all of them to fade a bit into the background and not attract too much attention. What made the night all the more rare was that it was one of the few dates on their schedule that crossed with Liam’s perfectly, and so for once, they almost felt as though their entire little family was together. Ultimately, it had been Pete’s suggestion to invite the guys from their opening act. A duo of brothers, Vince and James, who also happened to be British, that were making a small name for themselves with a strange mix of acoustic guitar and slightly off-color lyrics. They’d been with the band since the beginning of the tour, and a small camaraderie was starting to form, similar laments about numb fingers and sore throats, exhaustion and exhilaration. They were in as much need of a break as the rest of them, Liam included, and so it was that all of them, managers included wound up at the bar, enjoying the solitude of a night without stress or worry.

Helena had excused herself from the pool table when the image Liam and Steve together, the overall sense of _happiness_ that had descended around them by merely being in each other’s presence, had become too much, the twisting in her stomach intensifying with more desire than she could express for Myka to just _appear_ , to somehow, someway, magically just be there. Myka’s voice was warm in her ear, filling her mind with images of their bed and their fireplace and glasses of wine, and them _together_. She had fallen into a sort of blissful ignorance about everything going on around her, until Vince’s voice was intruding into her reverie, pulling her away from Myka’s undivided attention, “Oy London, I am in desperate need of your presence over here. My brother and Claudia are claiming they can kick our asses at pool, and I cannot prove them wrong alone.”

Helena rolled her eyes, trying to ignore him, until he took up a persistent nudging of her shoulder, “Don’t make me beg H.G. _Come on_.”

She sighed in frustration, “Myka, darling, hang on one second.” She shot him a look over her shoulder, covering the bottom of her phone with her hand, speaking with a sarcastic lilt “Tell me, has my phone suddenly become invisible? Did they simply not teach you manners in whatever corner of England you grew up in?”

Vince gave her a teasing grin, “ _No_ , it didn’t and yes they did thank you very much, but come on, I need a partner. Help me embarrass the hell out of my brother.”

“I’m _on the phone_.”

Myka’s voice pulled her attention, “Sweets, you can go. It’s ok.”

Helena let out a small huff, “It is _not_ ok to be rudely interrupted whilst on the phone with the girlfriend I miss terribly, all for the sake of _pool_.”

“Oh Jesus, now that’s laying it on awfully thick there H.G.” Vince gave her a pointed, _pathetic_ look. “Come on, you’ve been on the phone for twenty minutes. Your girlfriend can spare you for a little bit. Come have fun with us, instead of hiding in the corner."

Myka’s voice kept her focus, “Rude or not, it is your night off and you are at a bar and you don’t need to spend all that time talking to me. _Go_. Plus, he kind of sounds like he _would_ beg.”

“H.G.! Don’t abandon me to those two. You have to save me. _No one_ but you can help me with this. I need your skills.”

“See,” Myka said, “begging.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _Fine_ , though I do this under protest.”

“Yes!,” Vince pumped a fist in the air and slung an arm around Helena’s shoulder, his voice coming out thick with charm and teasing, “Come on, you’ll be my good luck charm _and_ my secret weapon.”

Helena help up a single finger, “I’ll be right there.” She turned her attention back to Myka, “Apparently my pool skills are required.”

“He did sound rather desperate,” Myka’s voice sounded quieter, as though something had suddenly shifted.

“He’s ridiculous, but it is tempting to put all of Claudia’s bragging in check.”

“I’m sure. Ok, go and have a good time. Tell them I said hi.”

Something small, faint whispered in Helena’s mind that this wasn’t ok, that something had distinctly changed, but then Myka was telling her she loved her and that they’d talk later, and she wasn’t given any chance to question, to wonder, to alter whatever mood had fallen over their conversation. She hung up with a small sigh, but decided it was safer to assume that it was an unfortunate result of the distance, that Myka missed her, and because of that, every time that they said goodbye, it was too strong of a reminder of how far apart they were. She tucked her phone into her pocket, turning back towards the pool tables, “Alright Vince, let’s show these two what we’ve got.”

**

Pete sat with his feet propped up against the corner of the pool table, taking small swigs from his root beer bottle, as he focused on the game in front of him. Just as Vince’s cue struck against one of the balls with a perfect _crack_ , Pete’s phone buzzed, in almost perfect concert with the noise. He heard a small shout of victory from the table, but he wasn’t sure which team was happy, because his focus was immediately pulled and centered on the message that read across his screen.

_Mykes: “I need you to tell me not to be that girl.”_

He chanced a quick glance towards H.G., but she was blissfully unaware of the attention, too focused on lining up her next shot.

He lowered his feet from the table, shifting his body away from the game as he typed back a response.

_“What kind of girl? WORDS, Mykes. Use them.”_

The response was almost immediate and he could practically _hear_ the nerves, the inherent self-judgment in Myka’s voice.

_“The kind of girl who becomes irrationally jealous and worried because some guy seemed to be kind of flirting with her girlfriend.”_

Pete bit back a groan, risking another glance at the pool table, where Vince and H.G. were discussing strategy. He involuntarily squinted his eyes, trying to see if there was something to Myka’s words, if there was some attention from Vince towards H.G. that he might’ve missed, because he knew without a doubt that this wasn’t H.G.’s doing, this sudden spike in Myka’s worry. He shook his head, he _knew_ there was nothing there. He _knew_ this was Myka. He typed out an admittedly hedged response.

_“You have zero reason to be that girl.”_

_“Yet here I am Pete. I am being that girl, and absolutely hating myself for it.”_

He looked around the bar, Claudia, H.G., Vince, and James were completely focused on their game. Steve and Liam were a few tables over talking to Kelly and Sutton. No one would notice if he snuck out. He pressed the call contact button on the screen and ducked out the door, completely unaware of H.G.’s eyes tracking his exit.

Myka answered with a resigned, though expectant, voice within a couple of rings, “Hey…”

He didn’t let her get any further than that. “Don’t do this Mykes. You’ll drive yourself crazy.”

Myka gave a strangled sigh, the sound Pete knew she made when she was fighting against gritting her teeth, “It’s not like I _want_ to feel this way Pete.”

He slumped against the brick-front of the bar, hand dragging through his hair, “I will say again, you have _zero reason_ to do this to yourself. Whatever you think is happening, whatever you think you heard, it’s not there, Myka. You know I would tell you if I thought there was.”

“ _I know_. Trust me, I fully recognize that I’m being completely irrational, that all of this is baseless and insane and paranoid and…” she let out a small groan of frustration, “ _stupid_!”

“Hey…Mykes, come on it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok, Pete. It’s not ok, because I am _not_ this person. I am not this irrational, jealous person, except apparently when I am, which is _right now_.”

“I get that, and because I get that I’ll talk to your irrational side for two minutes, then we’re going to get real.”

That at least garnered a soft chuckle from Myka, “I would expect nothing less.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint.” He took a deep breath, “Ok, two minutes for your irrational, worried side. Several things. _One_ , Vince has a girlfriend, a girlfriend that he is pathetically in love with, if the phone calls I’ve heard say anything. _Two_ , I have never once seen anything close to flirting between them and you know if I did I would shut that shit down. And _three_ , which is really the only thing that needs to be said here, H.G. loves _you_ Myka, and she would never do that to you. You know that if anyone came close to crossing that line with her, she wouldn’t even need _me_ to do anything about it, because she’s probably punch the guy or gal in the face herself.”

Myka’s laughter was short, but genuine, “That’s probably far too true.”

“Tell me about it, she’s punched me before, I know first hand.”

“I know, I’ve seen her punch you Pete.”

“Your girl is a badass, you know that.”

“Again, I know,” Myka’s voice was deflated, like she was punishing herself with every word she spoke on this _irrational_ subject.

Pete took a deep, slow breath, “Yet you’re freaking out, and instead of talking to her about it, you’re talking to me, because deep down you know Mykes that this is _Giselle_ rearing her fucking head.” He raked his nails through his hair, willing his frustration that Myka was doing this to herself to not come across in his tone, “Myka, I know this feels like something that you’ve lived before, like your life is just circling back to the same heartbreak, but it’s not. You have to stop letting those ghosts chase you Mykes. All it’s going to do is hurt you again, _and_ it’ll end up hurting H.G. too. Don’t hold her accountable for something she isn’t guilty of. It’s not fair.”

“Jesus…you weren’t lying about getting real.”

Pete’s voice was firm, unrelenting, knowing that’s what Myka needed, even if she didn’t think so at the moment, “No, I wasn’t, because I can’t watch you do this, to yourself or H.G.”

“It’s official, somewhere along the line you’ve become smarter than me.”

Pete gave a small chuckle, “Only when it comes to your own heart Mykes. Somehow, I’ve always understood that better than you.”

Myka groaned, “God that’s so true, it’s scary.”

“You don’t need to do this to yourself. You certainly don’t need to do this to H.G. You’re worrying over nothing, and I get it, you _know_ I get it. You’re apart from each other and that’s hard and fucking awful and it makes everything feel confused and it makes every little thing that happens seem like it’s ten times bigger than it is. H.G. is not the person who would do this to you Myka. You know that. Don’t blow this up into something it’s not. I have a feeling the consequences would be fairly ugly.”

“God..I know…I know you’re absolutely right. I just…I miss her Pete, and when he used that coy, little flirty tone with her, my brain just kind of went spastic, and spiraled out into scenarios that were horrifying.”

“Well, tell those scenarios to shut the fuck up, because seriously they’ll only do a lot of unnecessary harm.”

“I know. Ok, taking a deep breath and trying to forget this even happened.”

“Probably a good idea.” Pete glanced back towards the door to the bar, knowing his absence wouldn’t go unnoticed for much longer, “Are you good, Mykes?”

Myka let out a seemingly calm breath, “Yeah, I think so. I just needed a good, old-fashioned Pete Lattimer ass-kicking apparently.”

Pete smirked, “You know I’m always there for those when you need them.”

“I know…thanks Pete.”

“Anytime. Love you Mykes.”

“Love you too.”

**

Helena swirled her wine around its glass as she stared out her hotel window at the glowing sprawl of Charlotte. She knew her window of time was closing. Claudia was still on the bus with Pete, locked into some sort of video game battle that had gotten declared when they’d left the bar, but it was getting late, and eventually she wouldn’t have the room to herself anymore, and the conversation ahead of her wasn’t one she wanted to have in front of Claudia. She sipped her wine slowly before dialing Myka’s number.

When she picked up, Myka’s voice was so blissfully normal that Helena almost lost her nerve, “Hey you.”

Helena cleared her throat, feeling the warmth of the wine flowing through her fingertips, “I thought we had a pact.”

Myka’s tone remained light, though Helena detected a wary edge to it, “Wow…no segue there…”

“It’s late and Claudia will be back soon so no, no segue. We had a pact, Myka.” Helena flinched a bit at her own tone, but she was just so… _frustrated_.

“We did…we do,” now there was definitely an edge to Myka’s voice, worried, almost guilty.

Helena sighed roughly, “If that is the case, then tell me that Pete didn’t get a phone call tonight that should’ve been for me.”

Myka’s voice was a bit shocked, “How on earth…”

“Pete thinks he is subtle, but he has a very distinct _look_ when it’s you on the other end of the phone. A very distinct, big brother type of look. It was on his face tonight when he left the bar to make a call. I don’t think he realized I noticed.”

“God, nothing gets past you does it?” 

Myka sounded like she was trying to tease, but Helena was having none of it. She kept her tone even, serious, “Not when it comes to you, no. Which is why I do not understand why Pete is who you chose to talk to tonight.”

Myka’s answer, when it came, was simultaneously defeated and frustrated, “Because sometimes my sense of self-preservation kicks in and makes me want to keep you from seeing my dark, irrational corners.”

“Like the dark, Giselle-shaped corners which made you think that Vince was flirting with me tonight?”

Helena could practically hear Myka’s jaw drop, “How…”

Helena groaned, “Because I _know_ you Myka! Because I knew the second that he used that stupid _tone_ he uses when he knows he’s bugging someone that your mind would go there, even if you have _no reason_ to do so. Which is something that I think you know, which is also why I think you went to Pete tonight rather than me.”

“Can you blame me for that Helena?” The anger Helena knew was bubbling below the surface of Myka’s tone finally burst out, she could hear it in the way Myka’s voice caught and scratched, “Can you blame me for not wanting to tell you how irrational I feel? How much I _hate_ that I feel this way when I know I shouldn’t, because I know I have no reason to feel like this?” 

It wasn’t hard to detect the tears that were threatening to overwhelm Myka’s voice, but Helena was unable to keep her own words from flowing out, “How much you hate feeling like you can’t trust me?” Helena hated how biting her tone was, but it couldn’t be helped. She had known, deep down, that something like this was inevitable. With all the days and weeks floating between them, with Myka’s past and Helena’s own insecurities, she knew they would fight, that there would be a breaking point, but somehow she had allowed herself to live in denial about the reality of it actually happening.

Myka’s breath came out on a rush of shock, “Helena…”

“Tell me that’s not what this is, Myka. Tell me that part of this isn’t you not trusting that I wouldn’t hurt you like that, that I wouldn’t do that to you, to us.”

“I do trust you. I _do_. I just…all of this…it triggers…you know it’s going to bring all of that up.”

Helena’s resolved weakened a hair at the utter devastation and defeat in Myka’s voice, in the way that Helena could tell how much she was beating herself up for feeling this way. Her tone softened, “I know it does love, and I understand that. I do, truly. However,” she cleared her throat, fighting back tears, “Myka, I can’t keep feeling like the ghost of Sam’s sins are chasing _me_. I can’t keep feeling like someday I am going to pay the price for something I haven’t done, something I would never do to you.”

Myka sounded breathless, “Pete said the exact same thing to me earlier.”

“Well, maybe between the two of us, you’ll actually _hear_ it.”

There was a long, laden pause. Helena pressed her forehead to the window, letting the cold rush over her flushed skin. She waited, until finally Myka spoke, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Neither do I. Although,” Helena bit the inside of her cheek, uncertain whether or not she should proceed.

Myka pulled her in, “Although?”

Helena pinched at the bridge of her nose, she needed to say this in the right way, “I want to be clear about something.”

“Ok…”

“While I do struggle with my worry, my frustration that this will always crop up, I do understand it Myka. I do. I knew that despite how far we’ve come that this would happen at some point this summer. It’s…it’s understandable. This is a new step for us, the tour, the distance, and I knew it would bring those memories with it for you. When I called tonight, it was not out of anger that you were feeling this way, not necessarily. It was anger that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about it. That I felt like you purposefully _didn’t want_ to talk to me about it, and I know that you and Pete have your you and Pete thing. I know you have ways of processing together, and I do not begrudge you that. However, I can’t help but wonder…if I hadn’t brought it up…would you have said _anything_ to me about it?”

“I can honestly say that I don’t know.”

Helena at least gave Myka credit for not deflecting her answer, but it didn’t keep the tears that she had been fighting from finally slipping down her cheeks, “And thus I return to my beginning statement. We had a pact, Myka. A pact to avoid these exact situations.”

“I just…I knew how irrational I was being about the whole thing. I knew it was all in my head, and I didn’t want to risk starting some huge fight about it when I knew deep down it was nothing.”

“Yet here we are, love.”

“I know.” 

They sat in silence with nothing but their breathing between them. Helena continued to stare out at the lights of the city, though they had started to blur through the sheen of her tears. Her fingers began a steady back and forth tugging at her locket, holding onto it like a talisman that would keep her, them, from falling apart. Eventually, she couldn’t stop the question that was tugging at her mind from slipping out, “Myka…are you honestly worried that I would cheat on you?”

Myka’s sigh was heavy, “Honestly? No, because I do trust you Helena, and because I know that I can trust you with my heart.”

Helena’s voice was a mere whisper, “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”

Myka groaned, “Because there is. I don’t think you would cheat on me, I really don’t, _but_ , deep, down, in those dark, twisted corners of my heart there is still a part of me that can’t believe that you…you with all of your amazing, hopeful, optimistic, gorgeous ways…have chosen to love me. So, when situations like this happen, when I imagine people like Vince flirting with you, my mind just races away from me, telling me that of course you should be with someone else, someone who isn’t filled with all of _this_. This baggage and worry and just…everything. It’s not…it’s not Sam’s sins that are chasing you Helena, it’s my own insecurity that is, and I cannot tell you how sorry I am for that.”

As Helena was desperately trying to formulate a proper response, a voice came into her head unbidden, the voice of Myka’s mother. _“Don’t ever forget that she knows how much you love her, even if sometimes her own mind gets a bit ahead of her heart.”_ Helena bit back a small puff of incredulous laughter, Jeannie Bering certainly knew her daughter well. The voice echoed again, _“Even if sometimes her own mind gets a bit ahead of her heart.”_ They seemed to be circling that scenario quite heavily this evening, and if that was the case, it was time for Helena to remind Myka of what her heart knew, “Myka Bering, I need you to listen to me. All of that amazing, hopeful optimism? So much of that is because of _you_. So much of who I am now is because of who I became when I walked into that bloody store of yours. When you met me Myka…I was just as full of my own baggage and my own worry. I was just as convinced that no one, certainly no one like you, would choose to love me either. Myka, I put up such a good front in those first few months to hide all of that brokenness, until I realized once I was willing to talk about it, that it was starting to ebb away under your gentle touch. You and I? We’re who we are because we have each other, and no that doesn’t mean that the baggage and the insecurities disappear, but those things should never outweigh how much we know we love each other. I love you. I love you with all the worry and all the insecurities and all the irrational moments. Nothing, no worry, no irrational fear is going to make me stop loving you, Myka. You are quite sufficiently and completely stuck with me.”

Soft laughter trickled over the phone, “I think I can live with that.”

“As I’ve told you darling, you don’t have much of a choice on that front.”

“You are an incredible woman. You just have this way of seeing right into what I’m feeling and knowing exactly what to say, and I cannot tell you how much I love you for that. How much I love you for every single thing that you are. I am sorry though…about the pact…and my distinct _ignoring_ of said pact.”

“I just need you to know that you can talk to me about these things, Myka. I’m not going to run away just because you say something that might upset me or lead to an uncomfortable conversation.”

“I do know that. Sometimes, I just need a reminder.”

“Well, consider this your reminder.”

Myka let out a small sigh, “I do love you, so very much, Helena.”

“I love you too darling, more than I have adequate words for.”

“Are we ok?” Myka’s voice sounded small, a bit afraid.

“We are, though…I will not lie to you and say that some of this…it may linger.”

“I know, I get that.”

“We just have to keep talking. It is our very best way of handling all of this distance, Myka. We can’t fall away from each other in that way, not when we have so much distance between us.”

“Until tonight, I think we’ve been doing pretty well with that.”

Helena felt a small smile tug at her lips, Myka was starting to sound more like _Myka_ , “We have. I just…I don’t want to fight Myka, not when we’re apart, not when there’s no way for us to _be there_ with each other, it only makes all of this harder.”

“I know, trust me, I know, and we won’t. Well, we’ll do all we can to not, I can’t make any promises for what the rest of the summer holds, but…I’ll try my damndest for this to not happen again.”

Helena pushed off the windowsill and sank onto the bed, falling back against the pillows, “I wish you were here. It feels so odd, trying to reach some sort of resolution with things like this when we can’t see each other.”

“I wish I was there too, Sweets. But, we’ll make it work. We always do.”

Helena closed her eyes, trying to imagine, to pretend, that Myka was right there next to her, “Myka?”

“Hmm?”

“Sing to me.”

Helena expected Myka to hesitate, but she didn’t falter for one second, “What do you want me to sing?”

“I don’t care. Anything. Anything to make me feel like you’re right here next to me.”

“I can do that.” 

Helena fell asleep with the lilting, soft tones of Myka’s singing an odd jumble of Heart in her ear. She didn’t hear Claudia come in. She didn’t notice when Claudia removed her phone from her ear. All she knew was that somewhere in the back of her mind, Myka’s final, whispered, “I love you,” was the last thing she remembered hearing.

**

_Atlanta, GA, “Wonder Found” tour, late June 2012_

Pete split his Snickers in half, feet swinging off of his drum platform. As the caramel pulled apart, he dipped his head, tongue sticking out in a vain attempt to keep any ounce of sugar from falling. Helena grimaced, taking her own half of the candy bar between delicate fingers, as though Pete’s actions might somehow be transferable if they touched, “You are…well…disgusting seems harsh.”

Pete’s face scrunched in a look of offense, “Disgusting _is_ harsh, and if you’re not careful, I’ll stop sharing my sugar stash with you…”

Helena gave a fake kind of gasp, “Whatever would I do?”

“Someday H.G., you’re going to admit that you can’t live without me, and when that day comes, I will be there to remind you of this very moment.”

Helena took a small bite of the candy bar, “I’m sure you will be Peter.”

Pete gave her an inscrutable look, before turning away to gaze out over the empty arena. They stayed like that, in small, candy-enjoying silence, until Pete asked her quietly, without making eye contact, “How are you?”

Helena sighed, there was no use feigning ignorance as to what Pete was inquiring about, “I’m…ok, I guess. I don’t really know. I mean we’re fine, yet something just feels a bit…off.”

Helena felt more than saw Pete nodding his head, “Amanda and I do that too. We fight. We make up. Then everything feels like hell for a couple of days until it just kind of gets better.”

Helena pushed a hand through her hair, “Yes, well, when there are thousands of miles between us during this little transition period, or whatever you’d like to call, it feels less like hell and more like never-ending, uncertain torture.”

Pete bumped into her shoulder, “I’m fairly certain that hell _is_ never-ending torture.”

“A valid point, though I’ll admit I’m not really thinking straight.”

“Is there anything in particular that feels off?”

“I don’t know. Things just feel rather strained. She’s been exceedingly quiet. I’ve mostly been the one instigating communication, and when we do talk, she seems like she’s holding back, not really saying much. It feels like she’s walking on eggshells with me, and I absolutely abhor that. It makes me feel like it’d be better _not_ to talk, because all the not-talking while talking is making me feel worse.”

Pete turned to her then, eyes strained with worry, “Don’t say that. I mean, I get it, but don’t go there. Remember this whole thing started because of you guys not talking.”

Helena groaned, “ _I know_ , I just…I just wish we could skip past this bloody inbetween time and just get back to being normal.”

“We both know that Mykes doesn’t downshift that fast. You know she’s not talking because she’s still busy beating herself up, right?”

Helena sighed, resting her head against Pete’s shoulder, not caring that she felt woefully pathetic doing so, “Oh, I am very well aware of that, and I know that nothing I say or do is going to stop her from doing that, but I just wish she wouldn’t, not only because she doesn’t need to, but also because it’s making me feel completely fucking awful.”

“Is fucking awful worse than bloody awful?” 

The question almost sounded genuine, but Helena knew he was simply trying to lighten the mood. She placed a light slap against his thigh, “They both are abysmal. Let’s leave it at that.”

Helena’s head lifted with Pete’s shoulders shrugging, “Whatever you say, H.G.” He let out a slow breath, resting his head against hers, “It’ll get better.”

“I just miss her…”

Pete placed a small kiss to the top of Helena’s head, “I know how ya feel…trust me.”

Helena watched as Pete’s thumb idly spun his wedding ring around his finger. She knew how much he understood what she was feeling; he hadn’t been shy about telling her how much Amanda was struggling with the tour, the distance. Her eyes turned back towards the horizon, the crystal clear skies of the Georgia landscape. In its own small way, it helped, having Pete here, knowing they were going through the same things, and though she would certainly _never_ admit it out loud, she _had_ come to realize she could never do this without him. 

**

_West Palm Beach, FL, “Wonder Found” tour, early July 2012_

Helena sucked in a deep breath, closing her eyes, suddenly unable to look at herself in the mirror. She didn’t want to be faced with the high probability that she looked completely unfit for an audience this evening. When they had started planning out the tour, Myka had suggesting that she tell Kelly to not book a show for tonight, because Myka _knew_ , Myka with all of her empathy and compassion understood just how hard it would be for Helena to go out on stage and seem happy and put together on a night like tonight. Myka had looked at her with those damned green eyes sparkling with more love than Helena could process, and said with the perfect combination of blatant honesty and heart, “Are you really going to be able to go out and sing when you’ve spent the whole day feeling like the world is falling apart?” 

At the time, Helena had simply shrugged and worried her hands together and said that she didn’t know. She had laid her head in Myka’s lap, reveling in the feeling of Myka’s blunt nails against her scalp and whispered out that she didn’t want to be a nuisance or seem like she was being high maintenance, on top of the fact that while she loved Kelly, she didn’t feel like divulging that much of herself to her. Helena knew for certain that only Myka would be privy to that corner of her heart, the darkness that always descended on this day, and the reasons why. Myka had told her that there was no shame in simply asking for what she needed, but Helena had been too overcome with fear at causing a problem on their first tour to ever give voice to the concerns that were grating on her heart. When Myka had seen the final tour schedule, she had given Helena a look that was both incredulous and concerned and simply asked, “You’re sure you’re up for that?” and Helena had nodded and said she felt she just had to be. 

Now though, in the moment she had been dreading, Helena severely questioned her ignoring of Myka’s advice. She knew that everyone had picked up on the fact that something wasn’t quite right, but she didn’t have the heart, nor the emotional capacity to explain. She had shooed away their concerns with feigned excuses of a headache and the lingering effects of not enough sleep, which was partly true. She hadn’t slept at all the night before, her head spinning with thoughts of London, of her baby girl, of Myka’s continued strained, near silence, of all the brokenness that still plagued her heart. For hours on end, with nothing but the churning of the bus wheels to keep her company, her mind had replayed that day so long ago, over and over and over in her mind. The pain felt as fresh and acute as if it had happened yesterday. She had tried in vain to focus on the path her life had taken since that day; told herself that maybe there was no Myka if her life hadn’t taken the course she had, but then she was reminded over again of their current unsettled nature, and her stomach twisted tighter at the thought, followed quickly by a fresh wave of tears. 

She forced herself to open her eyes and face what was ahead of her, a crowd, a show, a need to just hold it together for a few scant hours. She steeled her shoulders, “You can do this.” Absent-mindedly, her hand reached out for her phone, dialing her voicemail to listen for at least the fifteenth time that day to the message Myka had left her that morning.

_“Hey Sweets…I’m sure you woke up this morning wondering how on earth you are going to be able to do this. I cannot tell you how badly I wish you could just be home or I could be there, and we could curl up, throw the covers over our heads, and let today pass us by. Since that isn’t exactly possible though, here’s what I’ll say. You can do this Helena. It won’t be easy. I’m sure at some point you’re going to feel like you’re on the brink of falling apart, and that’s ok. Don’t run away from it…it’s no use…but that doesn’t mean you can’t channel all that pain and hurt into your words tonight. Go out there and literally sing your heart out. Leave it all out on the stage, and once you’re done, I’ll be here, on the other end of the phone to get you through the closing hours and minutes of this god-awful day. I love you so much, and if you need anything, at any point today, even if it’s just to cry and have me listen, I’m here.”_

Helena’s fingers worked over her locket, wishing more than anything that she actually had Myka there to hold onto, rather than the cold, metal talisman of her. Myka was right though, she could use all of the pain that was roiling through her bloodstream, she could let it pour out of her tonight, and maybe in some way it would help exorcise it from her body. She applied one last round of makeup over her woefully puffy eyes, and decided that it was as good as she was going to get. She sighed, she could get through this. Before she left her dressing room, she sent Myka a quick text.

_“I love you…and tonight…I’m simply going to imagine that you are the only one out there in that audience…even if you can’t be here…somehow you are the one thing that is going to get me through.”_

**

Helena felt like a ghost as she stepped off the bus. If she was thankful for anything today, it was the fact that Kelly had booked them into a hotel for the night, rather than loading them onto the bus for an overnight drive to Tampa. She had said they could use a decent night’s rest, and that they wouldn’t leave until late afternoon tomorrow, giving them the entire day to do as they pleased. Helena fully intended to sleep until the last possible moment before checkout and then while away the rest of the day in blissful nothingness. She shifted her bag up higher up her arm, pressing her phone tighter between her ear and her shoulder, trying to soak in Myka’s voice, the sound of which was akin to sinking into a warm bath, the weight and the worry of the day slowly ebbing out of her muscles at Myka’s soothing tone, “So…overall, everything went ok tonight?”

“It went about as well as I could expect I think. I certainly wasn’t myself, but your advice from earlier, about channeling all of it into my singing…it helped.”

“Don’t thank me for that yet, because tomorrow you’ll probably wake up with a sore throat because of it.”

Helena stepped through the doors of the hotel, relishing the immediate caress of the air conditioning on her skin. It had been bordering on one hundred degrees tonight, and the stage lights had left her overheated and exhausted, “Yes, well thankfully, I believe I will be too busy sleeping to notice.”

“You definitely deserve the day off tomorrow. It will help you get back on your feet a bit.”

“Hopefully, and hopefully I’ll wake up looking a little bit less like the total fright I look right now. I’m certain I terrified the first few rows tonight.”

Helena paused inside the lobby, waiting for Kelly to retrieve their room keys from the front desk. Her phone was suddenly silent, and she wondered if the transition into the hotel had made their call disconnect, “Myka?”

There was the sound of Myka clearing her throat, “I’m here, sorry, I just got a little distracted.”

“Something more entertaining than your woefully pitiful girlfriend keeping you occupied?”

“No…not at all…I was simply trying to find the right words to tell you that from where I’m standing, you look the exact opposite of ‘a total fright.’”

Helena’s fingers instantly felt numb, a rush of nerves flowing over her skin. When she spoke her voice trembled, “Do not toy with me, Myka.”

“I’m not.” 

Myka’s voice sounded like it had an echo, ringing through the phone, while also seeming distinctly clear behind Helena. Helena turned so quickly that her bag shifted and fell to the floor. She lowered her phone in what felt like slow motion, as her eyes took in the sight of Myka standing a mere twenty feet from her on the opposite side of the lobby, phone still pressed to her ear. In that moment, Helena didn’t care one ounce whether there were paparazzi in the lobby snapping pictures, or really if there was anyone around them to notice what was happening. All she cared about was the fact that Myka was _right there_. She tried to keep herself from running, only to realize within a few steps that it was pointless. She covered the remaining distance between them in mere seconds, practically jumping into Myka’s arms, which were quick to catch her, squeezing her tightly around the waist. Helena buried her head in Myka’s neck, feeling her tears pooling against Myka’s collarbones. Though she didn’t really want to unfold herself from Myka’s hold, she pulled back just enough to press tear-stained lips to Myka’s. It was light, simple even, just the soft pressure of lips against lips that had been apart from each other for far too long. Helena didn’t let it linger, unable to trust herself with keeping her proper composure in the middle of this hotel lobby if they let it go on for too long. She eased back, letting her feet rock down from her tip toes to firmly plant on the floor. She twined her arms around Myka’s neck, looking up into eyes that were shimmering with just as many tears as her own, “What on earth are you doing here?”

Myka flashed her a gorgeous, crooked smile, before it retreated into something a bit more reserved, more loving, “I just couldn’t bear the thought of you going to bed alone tonight. Not after a day like today.”

Helena didn’t know what to say, so she kissed her again, this time with a bit more heat behind it until Myka wrapped her hands around her hips and pushed back slightly, giving her a winsome look, “What do you say we head up to our room?”

“I say I have never heard a more appealing question in all my life.”

Myka gave her a small smirk with a quick nod of her head, and turned back to the chair behind her and extracting her bag. She put it over her shoulder, linked her hand with Helena’s, and moved across the lobby to retrieve Helena’s bag from where it was still abandoned in the middle of the floor. Myka hoisted it over her shoulder, where it banged against her own. She gave Pete a small wave where he was leaning against the front desk, while Kelly continued to deal with their rooms. He gave her a quick smile and a wink, calling out, “I’m going to assume I’ll get my hello hug in the morning, right?”

“Afternoon most likely, but yes,” she smiled.

“Good deal. G’night Mykes. Night H.G.”

Helena flashed him a deep appreciative smile, “Good night Peter.”

Pete shook his head and chuckled softly, as he watched their retreating backs move towards the elevators, their linked hands never parting.

**

As the elevator climbed higher, Helena let out a small waft of incredulous laughter, “Please tell me that you didn’t sink a ridiculous amount of money on the penthouse.”

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “ _No_ …though I did consider it.” She hung her head, shaking it a bit in a sudden wave of embarrassment, “I just wanted us to be able to have a little bit of privacy.”

Helena’s lips came to rest against Myka’s cheek, “I’m teasing you darling. The thought of a space just for the two of us? Away from the rest of the world? It is honestly the greatest thing I could ever imagine right now.”

The elevator came to a slow, measured stop, the doors opening onto a hall with only two doors, each leading to a suite of rooms. Myka’s fingers were trembling as she slid the key into the lock, and she was silently thankful that it opened on the first try. She had no idea why she was suddenly so _nervous_ , feeling as though she had no idea what she was doing. She held the door open for Helena, letting her slip into the room, thus giving herself the briefest of moments to take in a deep breath, anything to try and get her bearings. 

Helena’s steps immediately stole to the floor length windows at the end of the living room, her breath catching at the view, the lights of the hotel glinting over the swell of the waves crashing onto the beach below them. She turned back towards Myka, shining smile on her face, “It’s breathtaking.” 

Myka took two, small, hesitant steps forward, setting their bags on the nearest chair, before shoving her one of her hands into the back pocket of her jeans, while the other rubbed against the back of her neck. She gave a small nod, “I asked for a room with a view, apparently they took me _quite_ seriously.”

Helena could feel the nerves radiating off of Myka’s body, could see it in the hesitancy of her movements, the way her eyes never quite met her own, the tell-tale signal of her hand against the back of her neck. She stepped towards her, “Myka, why do you seem so nervous?”

Myka’s fingers left her neck to rub over her forehead, as nervous laughter bubbled out of her throat. She rolled her eyes, “I honestly don’t know. All day, I’ve just wanted to _get here_ , and now that I am…I think I just can’t quite believe that you’re standing right there in front of me. Plus, I know things have been kind of weird between us lately, and I feel awful about that and now I’m rambling…God…I’m stopping now.”

Helena’s lips quirked in a half-smile, “Myka, darling, breathe. Yes, things have been a little off, but we’re ok, truly. We just needed some adjustment time, as we always do. Now though? I am right here, and am of the opinion that it would be a woeful waste of what little time we have together to spend it in nervousness.” She closed the distance between them, leaving only the faintest of centimeters between them, leaning down a bit to catch Myka’s eye. She opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it, opting instead to tuck her hands underneath Myka’s jaw and pull her forward. For a scant second, the kiss was light, seeming to match Myka’s hesitance, until Helena practically _felt_ something break within Myka’s system, a loosening of ever tense muscle and emotion. She heard a small sigh of relief sneak out of Myka’s mouth, before Myka’s arms were wrapped completely around her waist, pulling their bodies together as tightly as possible with enough force to almost lift Helena off of her feet. Helena’s lips pulled in a small smile as her hands drifted to tangle in Myka’s hair. Helena let Myka dictate the pace, wanting her to find her footing, make sure that whatever hesitation had been tying Myka up in knots was completely chased away and on Myka’s own terms. Through sheer force of will, she kept her own pulsing need to _push_ at bay, finally letting out a silent word of thanks when Myka’s head tilted just a hair at the same time that her tongue slid along Helena’s bottom lip. In that moment, Helena felt like she was on the brink of drowning, or simply bursting from some sort of nuclear explosion of happiness. She willingly let Myka deepen the kiss, feeling small flashes of excitement and relief blossom all over her skin at the sensation of Myka feeling as though she was everywhere at once. Finally, with the barest of trace of her bottom lip over Myka’s top one, Helena pulled away, if only to catch her breath. She lowered herself off of her tiptoes and watche the way Myka’s eyes still hadn’t opened, her lips still parted, cheeks tinged with an endearing flush. When Myka opened her eyes, Helena flashed her a warm smile and carded her fingers through Myka’s curls to push them off of her forehead, “How are your nerves now?”

“What nerves?” Myka grinned.

“There you are…my darling Myka.”

Myka rested their foreheads together, tipping her chin forward to catch Helena’s lips in another quick kiss, “I’ve missed you.”

Helena let out a breath of laughter, “Oh my love…I have missed you more than I can quite explain.” Helena couldn’t help herself, their proximity, the heady scent of Myka’s perfume hanging between them, the way that Myka had so clearly relaxed, she couldn’t stop herself from pushing back up on her toes, wondering if she would be able to ever _stop_ kissing Myka tonight. A tingling sensation chased up Helena’s spine as Myka sighed against her mouth, all hesitancy apparently gone as Myka’s fingers gripped around her hips, pushing her a couple of steps backwards until her back connected with the wall. Myka’s fingers flexed with the faintest amount of pressure, though it was enough to elicit a small jerk of Helena’s hips. Suddenly, all those days and weeks and hours that they had spent apart coalesced in Helena’s mind, creating an overwhelming, heated sense of _want_. She felt as though she might break apart at the faintest touch of Myka’s fingers against her skin, but Myka’s hands were remaining firmly _still_ against her hips, simply holding her in place. The only thing that seemed to betray Myka’s own sense of desire was her seeming inability to stop the small keening noise coming from the back of her throat at each movement of Helena’s lips, each small, teasing flick of her tongue. 

When Myka pulled away, which seemed to take a great deal of effort much to Helena’s satisfaction, Helena waited with near bated breath for what she felt was the inevitable dip of Myka’s head to her neck, but it never came. Myka simply rested their foreheads together again, whispering, “I have no idea how I’ve survived this long without kissing you.”

Helena grinned, “We certainly have a great deal of time to make up for.”

Myka rolled her eyes with a teasing grin, “I can already see the wheels turning in that beautiful brain of yours with all the ways we can do just that.”

Helena’s grin devolved into a smirk, glinting with temptation, “I haven’t seen you in a month. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to _think_ …particularly about _you_.”

Myka felt her cheeks flush, Helena’s tone hit her right in her gut, “Oh I’m sure you have.”

Helena chuckled, standing up a bit straighter against the wall, fingers trailing down Myka’s back, “First things first though…I am in desperate need of a shower.”

Myka pushed away from the wall enough to give Helena enough space to move, if she wanted to, then said, “I do not envy you having to do a show in that heat tonight. I swear, I started sweating the second I walked out of the airport.”

“It wasn’t necessarily pretty. I’ll put it this way, Pete’s shirt barely lasted two songs.”

Myka groaned, “There’s an image…though I’m sure there were plenty in the crowd who appreciated that.”

Helena smirked, “Oh trust me there were. There was an entire flock of girls in the front two rows going absolutely bonkers over him.”

“Lord…the inflation to that man’s ego tonight,” Myka chuckled.

“As you can imagine, he didn’t exactly _mind_ the attention.”

“What about you? How long did that leather jacket of yours that you insist on wearing practically every show last?” Myka’s eyebrow was arched playfully, fingers toying absentmindedly with the hem of Helena’s shirt.

Helena grimaced, “Not even one song. It tossed it off about halfway through the opener.” Myka let out a small snort of laughter. Helena slapped her shoulder lightly, “It was _one hundred bloody degrees_.”

Myka held up her hands in mock surrender, “Hey I didn’t say a word, though I’m sure there were also _plenty_ of people in the audience who didn’t mind you losing _your_ clothing either.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Insufferable woman.”

“Insufferable but most definitely _right_.”

“Whatever you say love. Regardless, it was insanely hot, and I feel decidedly disgusting so it is time for a shower.”

Myka took one step back into Helena’s space, one corner of her mouth caught under her teeth, the other quirked up in a small smile. She quirked an eyebrow, “Is that an invitation?”

Helena gave Myka a pointed look, “As if you even needed to ask that question.”

Myka’s cheeks tinged a deeper, more endearing shade of pink, “Just figured I’d check.” Myka leaned down and left a light kiss on Helena’s lips, “How about you go get it ready, I’ll order up some room service because I’m starving and I’m sure you are too, and then by the time we’re done it’ll be here.”

“I think that sounds perfect love.” Helena slid away from the wall, practically sauntering towards the bathroom, before turning in the doorway and tugging her shirt over her head, tossing it so that it landed at Myka’s feet. Myka looked at her with wide, though not surprised eyes. Helena smirked, “It would seem my adoring fans aren’t the only ones who don’t mind when I lose some of my clothing darling.” She winked before disappearing into the bathroom and calling out, “Don’t take too long in ordering the food.”

**

Despite Helena’s teasing, despite the heat, the hot, pulse of desire that shot through Myka’s body at the slightest glimpse of Helena’s skin, and despite the blatant, heady, pulse-pounding degree of _want_ radiating off of both of them, once Myka slipped into the shower, she was reminded of the fact that she had come to Florida because today was about more than just them, about more than their prolonged absence, or their fight or their desperation for each other. She had gotten on that plane this afternoon in order to be here for Helena after a completely hellish day, and she didn’t want to lose sight of that. 

That reminder came crashing over her like a wave as her fingers reached out to trail down Helena’s spine, transfixed by the cascade of water travelling mysterious courses over Helena’s skin, causing Helena to glance over her shoulder, and in that moment, all that want, all that desire, that need, it diminished in the meeting of Helena’s eyes with her own. In those eyes, in that look, Myka wasn’t met with lust or longing or anything she might have expected, but with wistful appreciation, which was doing a poor job of masking the haunted desperation that lie just beneath it. Myka stepped up behind her, placing her hands against Helena’s shoulders, pressing a small kiss to the slope of one of them. Helena leaned back against her, head coming to rest against her shoulder, eyes closed in what seemed to be blissful exhaustion, “Hello my love.”

Myka kissed her temple, “Hey Swagger…food will be here in about a half hour.”

“Marvelous.” Helena let out a slow breath, and Myka felt the muscles of Helena’s back contract and release against her, the strain and the stress lying just beneath the surface unable to hide when they were so completely bare before each other.

Myka smoothed her hands down Helena’s arms, “You’ve had a long day.”

“Hmm…” Helena turned her head, nose coming to rest against the underside of Myka’s jaw, “It doesn’t feel so long now that you’re here.”

“Tell me about it? I kind of cut our conversation short earlier, all of my showing up in the middle of your hotel kind of put the brakes on our phone call. Finish telling me about the show.”

Helena pushed off of Myka slightly, hand reaching out for her bottle of conditioner and handing it back to Myka. Myka didn’t even question the gesture, just squeezed a small amount into her palm and began massaging it through Helena’s hair, reveling in the intoxicating, though distracting, moan that left Helena’s throat at the feel of her fingers moving through Helena’s hair. Steam and the sound of the water hitting the tiles on the floor surrounded them, until Helena’s voice broke the silence, “Despite the heat, the show was good. You could have come you know? To the show. You didn’t need to wait in the hotel lobby all night.”

Myka chuckled, “Trust me, that was the plan. My flight got delayed. We’ve been having terrible storms at home, and so I got here _much_ later than intended.”

“And let me guess, Kelly once again served as your woman on the inside, giving you all the information you needed to find us?”

“Your manger is a sneaky woman, and she knows how to keep a secret, which I appreciate.”

Helena hummed against the movement of Myka’s fingers against her scalp, “At the moment, I do too.”

“So the show was hot…anything else exciting happen?”

“I don’t know, I feel like I wasn’t quite able to gauge it appropriately since for so much of it, I felt like I was just trying to _get through it_. I hated feeling like that…it felt like such a waste of all of this. I mean, we’re doing this amazing thing, and I was so distracted…”

Myka swept Helena’s hair off of her shoulder, finding a suds free patch of skin to kiss, “You were justifiably distracted, Helena. No one is expecting you to be one hundred percent on, one hundred percent of the time.”

“I know, I just…I can’t say I really had fun tonight, and that’s the first time I’ve felt that way this summer. It was jarring. It made me realize that how I felt tonight…I don’t ever want that to be my dominant feeling on stage. If I ever hit that point…well, it will clearly be time to be done.”

Myka’s lips twitched in a small grimace. She was intimately aware of that feeling, of what Helena was talking about. It brought with it memories of that last summer tour with Sam, every show felt like pulling teeth, and she never wanted Helena to have to experience that, “I’m not going to say you won’t ever hit that point, but I _do_ believe you are a long way away from that moment Swagger.”

Helena let out a small groan stretching her neck back and forth, “I think I’m simply very much ready for a break. Don’t get me wrong, all of this…performing, the audiences, it’s been amazing and fun and exhilarating, but I am so bloody tired.”

“I know you are, Sweets. I’m sure you all are. You’ve been going non-stop for four straight weeks. It’s a lot to handle.” Myka’s hands slipped to Helena’s hips encouraging her to turn and tip her head back under the water. Myka moved her fingers through Helena’s hair, teasing out the conditioner, taking in how very _tired_ Helena did look. She leaned forward and placed a kiss to the hollow of Helena’s throat, “You just need a couple solid days of rest and relaxation, and then you’ll be ready and raring to get back out there.”

Helena smiled softly, “It is so much more than I expected. In a few surprising and frustrating ways, but mostly in a lot of amazing ways.”

Myka chuckled, “See? You’re tired and you’re already ready for the next show.”

Helena tilted her head back out from the water, leveling Myka with a teasing stare, “At the moment, I am ready for nothing more or less than however many hours I have you for tonight and tomorrow. The shows can wait, you’re here now.”

“I see the road hasn’t diminished your sweet talking.”

Helena shook her head slowly, fingers trailing down Myka’s arms, “Oh no darling, I rather think it’s helped me improve upon it.”

“From tired to flirty in point two seconds.”

Helena kissed the corner of Myka’s mouth, “Would you expect anything less darling?”

“Not for one second.”

Helena leaned forward, arms slipping around Myka’s neck, “Have I mentioned how happy I am that you’re here?”

Myka cocked her head in consideration, “I don’t think so.”

“Well,” Helena kissed her softly, “I am exceedingly happy that you, Myka Bering, are right here, with me.”

“Just happy, huh?” Myka teased.

“Ecstatic.”

“Thrilled?”

“Overjoyed.”

Myka thought for a second, “Elated?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “We could do this all night.”

Myka pinched her waist, “Oh come on, give me one more…”

“Over the moon.”

Myka grinned, “Now that is perfect.”

**

“These bathrobes are so fluffy it should be illegal,” Myka hugged hers tighter around her body and sank further into the lounge chair on their balcony.

Helena let out a small chuckle, “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you use the word _fluffy_. It’s remarkably adorable.” 

Myka looked up at Helena where she stood by the side of chair with two glasses of wine in her hands. Myka reached up and took one of the glasses, and used her other hand to wrap around Helena’s wrist and pull her down onto the chair with her. Myka leaned back and let Helena settle between her legs, leaning back on her chest. She took a small sip of her wine, “If you can give me a better word to describe these bathrobes other than fluffy, I am all ears. _Also_ , I just happen to be adorable, so…”

Helena settled back against Myka’s chest, tangling the fingers of their free hands together, “That you are my love, and I will admit…fluffy certainly works.”

“See? I told ya.” 

Helena leaned her head back against Myka’s shoulder, turning her head to place a kiss beneath Myka’s jaw, before settling back against her and letting the comfortable silence descend around them. For long minutes there was nothing but the sound of the waves crashing against the sand, the distant, muffled voices of late-night beach revelers, and the faint music drifting up from one of the restaurants on the hotel’s lower level to keep them company. Myka vaguely began to wonder if Helena had fallen asleep, the weight and exhaustion of the day finally catching up to her. She ran her thumb against the back of Helena’s hand that she was still holding, completely content to remain like this for as long as needed. Eventually, into the silence, Helena’s voice broke through, “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if everything had gone differently?”

Myka’s forehead scrunched in question for the briefest of seconds, before Helena’s question clicked into place. Helena was asking about Sam, about how things turned out, and Myka figured, given the circumstances, that Helena deserved an honest answer, “Sometimes. For a long time, that’s really _all_ I could think about, but now? It still creeps into my mind, sometimes in the strangest of moments, but it happens less and less often.”

“Usually…usually today all I can think about is the grief and the pain that somehow, in some ways, still feels fresh. Most of the time, it just feels a bit like I’m mourning all over again, but today…” Helena sighed, and when she continued talking her voice sounded somehow far away, “Today that was there, and it was awful. I mean it still hurt like it usually does, but I don’t know…I just I kept having these moments where I kept wondering if I would even _be here_ if things had been different. I mean, I looked at myself in my dressing room tonight and wondered if…I wondered if things hadn’t happened the way they had would I even be in the States? Would there be a band and all of these fans singing our lyrics back at us? Would there be an us? And then,” she bit back a small sob, “then I just felt so _bloody guilty_ because it felt like…it felt like I was glad it happened, because if it hadn’t…” 

Helena’s sentence tapered off, but there was no need for her to continue, Myka knew exactly what words would have followed. She set her now empty wine glass down on the balcony, and brought her arms up to wrap around Helena’s waist, holding her even tighter. She gave her a few minutes to cry, to breathe, to just be held, before Myka kissed the top of her head and began talking, “Ya know…there was this moment, this winter, we were at the store…I was working and you and Claudia were there writing. You and I had just spent the weekend looking at houses, and I was so tired, and the contractors were working upstairs and could just _feel_ myself on the cusp of a headache, but then I looked around and realized that somehow in that moment, my life, well, everything just felt _right_. The store, the studio getting ready to open, you and Claud, you and me…it was this moment of just feeling like I was exactly where I needed to be, and I was so content with that thought.”

Myka paused to gather her thoughts, but it was long enough to cause Helena to turn her head slightly, eyebrows raised, “Is there more to that story love?”

Myka’s lips twitched in a small smile, “Yes, just trying to figure out how to say it.”

“Just say whatever you’re thinking.”

“That’s dangerous around you…” That at least got Helena to smirk, but it was short-lived. Her face devolved back into that haunted look. It was enough to encourage Myka to continue, “I have no way of knowing if my life would be what it is right now if Sam had lived, Helena. If he had lived, if he hadn’t have cheated, if I had forgiven him for everything that happened…there are so many ifs. But the thing is…just because I’m happy with how my life is now, that doesn’t make me any less sad that he’s gone. Being happy in the present doesn’t mean you’re happy with your past. It doesn’t mean you’re over it, or that you’re happy with the things that got you to where you are. Sometimes…sometimes we just have to be thankful that we’ve made it through the darkness and into the light, but that doesn’t mean that we forget that the darkness happened.”

“Do you think the pain ever goes away?”

Myka closed her eyes and tucked her head against Helena’s, “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s ever fully gone, but I think…I think that it starts to hurt less, until maybe one day it’s just a scar, but that doesn’t mean it disappears completely.”

Helena turned her head slightly, kissing Myka’s cheek, “Darkness, light, pain, scars, despite all of it, I am so very glad that I found you.”

Myka kissed Helena’s temple, whispering against her skin, “Me too.”

Helena resumed reclining against Myka’s chest, wiggling her fingers tighter with Myka’s, “Thank you for being here…”

Myka tipped her head back against the cushions, eyes taking in the stars above them, “There’s no place I’d rather be.” Myka felt Helena take a deep breath and squeezed her hand, “You’re exhausted sweets, we should start thinking about bed.”

Helena settled further into Myka’s arms, “Not just yet. Let’s lie here a bit longer…listen to the ocean, watch the stars.”

“Let them _stare_ at us a little bit?” Myka teased.

Helena sighed contentedly, “Precisely, my love.”

**

Helena was adrift in a complete sea of pillows and blankets, a tiny bump in the middle of the mass that was their king sized bed. She spread her arms out with a dramatic sigh, “A _real_ bed!” She shot Myka a quick wink, “I love you, but there may not be enough space in this bed for both of us tonight.”

“Hey, if you want me to curl up on the couch that’s your call.” 

Myka went to tug a pillow off of the bed, feigning a look towards the couch on the other side of the room, but Helena wrapped a hand around her wrist and pulled her down onto the bed with a swift tug. Helena buried her head against Myka’s shoulder, arms wrapping around Myka’s waist, “You, Myka Bering, are not going anywhere near that couch.”

“Well…I did fly halfway across the country to see you…it would seem like pretty poor treatment to kick your adorable, loving, amazing girlfriend out of bed.”

Helena chuckled, propping herself up on an elbow to look down at Myka. She ran a hand through Myka’s curls, eyes softening into a look Myka knew far too well, a look that sent heat coursing through her bloodstream. Helena smiled softly, “I can’t believe I actually get to sleep next to you tonight.”

“It does seem rather hard to believe. My body may freeze, now that it’s become acclimated to a bed without your frigid feet.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “And I’ve had four weeks of waking up _still_ wrapped in the appropriate blankets.”

Myka couldn’t stop herself from laughing, huge, goofy grin on her face, “God, I love you, and I have missed you, cold feet and all.”

“I love you too,” Helena leaned down and kissed Myka slowly, as though she was focusing on every single movement of their lips. She pulled away with a smirk, “Even if you are a blanket hog whom I have missed terribly.” Helena fought back a yawn, eyes straying to the alarm clock that read far later than she had anticipated. She gave Myka a hesitant, near apologetic look, “How much would you hate me if we just went to bed?”

Myka gave her an incredulous smirk, “Oh I will hate you completely Swagger…all that love just flying out the window because you’re exhausted and you want to sleep.”

Helena groaned in frustration, “ _Insufferable woman_.”

“Now there’s something I must say, I have missed.”

“What? Being called insufferable?”

“Yup,” Myka grinned widely.

Helena shook her head, “You are so weird.”

“No arguments here.” Myka watched as Helena’s face was still pulled in apparent worry and concern. She reached a hand up and traced a finger down Helena’s jaw, “Helena, we can sleep, we can absolutely sleep. You’re exhausted, I’m tired, it is ridiculously late. We can go to bed.”

Helena grimaced, “You’re quite sure?”

Myka gave her a soft smile, “Do you honestly think I flew all this way just to get you into bed?”

“Well, no, of course not, but…”

“Swagger, just stop. You’re going to be home in like forty-eight hours, and we will have four straight days together. Stop worrying and let’s go to bed. Just having you right here next to me is enough, it is absolutely all I could ever want.”

Helena quirked an eyebrow, “Oh I can think of plenty of other things that you might want at this moment Myka Bering…”

Myka pushed a finger against Helena’s lips, “Stop right there. You keep whatever words are brewing in that mind of yours to yourself.”

“And deprive myself of your blushing?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Ugh, _fine_. Deprive me of all my fun.” Helena’s eyes strayed back to the alarm clock, “What time do we have to check out?”

“Umm,” Myka bit her lip. “We kind of don’t have to.”

“How on earth is that possible?”

Myka’s eyes darted away from Helena, shy, a little embarrassed, “I might have checked in under my real name. The hotel clerk might have put two and two together about who I was dating. I _might_ have mentioned we would appreciate a late check out.”

Helena’s eyes widened, glinting with mirth, “Myka Bering, you used your fame to unfair advantage. I’m _appalled_.”

Myka groaned and pulled a pillow over her head, “Don’t say it like that…it makes me feel…I don’t know…slimy.”

Helena laughed, tugging the pillow away from Myka’s face, “Oh darling, you are far from slimy. I think it’s rather sweet…wanting to get as much time with me as possible.”

Myka’s cheeks as they peeked over the pillow were tinged pink, “Can you blame me?”

Helena smiled warmly, “Not at all my love. I’m quite pleased with your little subterfuge actually. No alarm. The chance to sleep in. Waking up next to you. Sounds bloody perfect to me.” Helena pulled the pillow away from Myka completely, “You’re remarkably sweet, so stop blushing. I am not going to judge you for name dropping when it means I get more time with you.”

“I just wanted us to be able to relax, and not have to scramble around in the morning.”

Helena shook her head, kissing the corner of Myka’s mouth, “You don’t have to justify it to me darling. I’m completely sold on being able to sleep as late as we would like.” 

As if on cue, Helena yawned, evoking a small chuckle from Myka. She tapped a hand against Helena’s thigh, “You need to sleep.”

Helena flopped ungracefully back against her pillows, “I believe you’re right.”

Myka rolled over until she was hovering over Helena, “Just because I’m totally in favor of us _sleeping_ , that doesn’t mean I don’t want a goodnight kiss.”

Helena smirked, hooking a hand around Myka’s neck, pulling her down slowly. It was a kiss that felt like it _could_ go on if they let it, like it _could_ lead to more, like it _could_ prevent them from getting any sleep. Yet, Myka pulled back after only a few moments, “Good night Swagger.”

Helena smiled softly, “Good night love.” Helena rolled swiftly, happier than she could describe that Myka’s arm was snaking around her waist, that Myka’s head was buried against her neck, just like normal, just like they always should be. It was so blissfully normal and wonderful, she couldn’t quite process it. She laced their fingers together over her stomach, whispering softly, “I love you Sleepy.”

Myka leaned forward and placed a kiss to the back of Helena’s neck, “I love you too.”

**

Helena woke up the next morning completely curled into Myka’s side. Their room was bathed in darkness, save for a small, unceasing strip of sunlight that was creeping insistently through a crack in the curtains, which hadn’t been pulled as tightly as they could have been. It was the only indication she had that it was actually morning, well, the sunlight, and the fact that Myka was very much _awake_ , sitting up against the headboard, arm tucked around Helena’s shoulders, fingers toying with the ends of Helena’s hair, reading her book by the light of her cell phone. Helena arched her back, stretching and feeling absolutely blissful. It was the first time all month that she had slept through the night. The first time she had slept in four weeks without the sound of tour bus wheels or Pete’s snoring or the music from Claudia’s headphones creeping into her consciousness. She turned her head and placed a kiss against Myka’s shoulder. 

Myka looked down at her with a smile that was so serene, so perfect that Helena wondered if she was still able to breathe. Myka ran her hand through Helena’s hair, “And so she emerges…”

Helena chuckled, “What time is it?”

Myka looked at her cell phone, “A little after nine.”

Helena rolled onto her back and stretched once again, arching her back off the bed, feeling every second of Myka’s very blatant stare, the way Myka took in every single movement of her body. She slumped back down against the mattress, “I expected it to be a lot later.”

“It’s amazing what a solid night’s sleep will do for you. Suddenly you don’t need ten hours of sleep to feel like a real person.”

Helena bit back a yawn, “That’s true. Last night was honestly the best I have slept since I’ve been gone.”

Myka finally put her bookmark into her book and set it on the nightstand. She sank down onto the bed on her side, propped up on her elbow, her body completely flush against Helena’s. She gave Helena a cocky, satisfied smirk, “Am I allowed to take credit for that?”

Helena chuckled, “Absolutely darling. Apparently, I am woefully incapable of sleeping properly without you.”

Myka ran a finger down Helena’s bicep, reveling in the goosebumps that followed her touch, “Guess you’re stuck with me then, or else you are doomed to a life of sleeplessness.”

Helena gave a dramatic sigh, the back of her hand coming up to lay against her forehead, “Whatever shall I do? A lifetime with you…I may go crazy.”

“I’ll try my best to keep you as well rested and sane as possible.”

Helena grinned, “Oh I do appreciate that love.” She cocked her head to the side, “I must say, I am a little surprised that you’re awake. No matter how tired I am, I’m usually up before you. Did you sleep ok?”

“I slept wonderfully. Unfortunately though, I think my body has become a bit accustomed to less sleep than usual.”

“Waking up at a normal time, whatever shall you do?”

“I know, right?” Myka smiled, before biting her lip with hesitation, “I also might have possibly been woken up…”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “If you blame my cold feet…”

“No, no, it’s not that.” Myka looked over her shoulder at the crack in the curtains, “The sunlight…”

Helena burst out laughing, “You have to be kidding me! Our huge, bloody skylight can be streaming in the brightest light on earth and you can sleep through it, but that tiny little crack in the curtains woke you up?”

Myka shrugged, her voice coming out as a teasing kind of whine, “It was right in my eyes…”

Helena shook her head with laughter, “Never again do you get to tease me for my sunlight complaints... _ever_.”

“I suppose I can do that…though it is so much fun.” Myka unbent her elbow, falling back against the pillows, “What time do you guys leave this afternoon?”

“Four. What time is your flight?”

“Seven, so I can head to the airport when you guys head out.”

Helena’s smile fell a bit, “I wish you could just stay. You could change your flight, fly home with us in a couple of days.”

Myka gave her a sad sort of smile, “I wish I could, but I have appointments tomorrow. There’s a new band we’re scoping out, and they have a huge show tomorrow night. I have to get home…”

“Well, at least I’ll see you again in a few days. Though…now that you’re here, I’m not entirely sure I am going to be capable of letting you go again.”

Myka leaned forward and placed a small kiss to Helena’s mouth, “I know. My timing wasn’t exactly ideal, but like I said, I wanted to be here last night, even if only for a few hours.”

“Us and all of our making the most of the minutes and hours.”

“That was kind of my thinking.” Myka slid impossibly closer to Helena, “So…we still have most of the day to ourselves, what do you want to do?”

Helena arched a careful eyebrow, wicked smirk twitching on her lips, “You realize the kind of answer you’re walking into with that question correct?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “ _Lord_ , I meant like do you want to go get breakfast? Head down to the beach?”

“Uh huh, I’m sure you did love.” Helena propped herself up on both of her elbows, angling her head just enough to place the lightest of kisses against Myka’s neck.

Myka felt a rush of heat flood her body, feeling herself involuntarily lean into the presence of Helena’s touch, “I was serious…however, I am _always_ open to other suggestions.”

Helena let out a rough, throaty, husk of a chuckle, “I have _plenty_ of suggestions, most of which involve us taking advantage of this huge bed and the fact that we don’t have to leave itfor _hours_.” She rolled over, forcing Myka to follow her movements. She pressed a hand against Myka’s hip, encouraging her to fall back against the pillows, until Helena was hovering over her. She let the hand she had on Myka’s hip drift down to dance over her thigh, while she once again lowered her lips to Myka’s neck, reveling in the immediate tug of Myka’s fingers in her hair, the small moans that were already leaving Myka’s throat. She let her lips drift up to Myka’s ear, “Do you need any other suggestions for all our minutes and hours love?”

Myka sighed, “Not a damn one.”

“Spectacular.” Helena removed her hand from Myka’s thigh long enough to pull the comforter up and over their heads. 

Myka’s laughter shook both of their bodies, “What are you doing?”

Helena’s teeth chased against Myka’s collarbone, “The sun woke you up darling, therefore, I am employing your sun-avoiding tactics, they usually work _oh so well_ for me.”

“Ah, right, well…ok,” Myka sighed as she ran her hands from Helena’s hair down her back.

Helena’s laughter reverberated through Myka’s throat and into her bloodstream, “You’re very eloquent this morning love. Am I truly distracting you that much?”

Myka groaned, her hips twitching up at the resumed presence of Helena’s hand against her thigh, “You know you are.”

Helena’s fingers skated back up to Myka’s hip, squeezing lightly, eliciting another, more fervent twitch. Helena pressed them back down against the mattress, “Patience love. We have all morning.”

“Yes, we do, but I also haven’t seen you in a month.”

“Myka Bering…desperation looks good on you,” Helena smirked.

Myka rolled her eyes and groaned, fingers dragging a little harder down Helena’s back, eliciting a pleasurable hiss from Helena. Myka leveled her with a heated gaze, “I will wholly admit I’m desperate, but can you really blame me?”

“No darling I can’t.”

“Good, then for the love of God, stop teasing me and just kiss me already.”

Helena chuckled, self-satisfied smirk on her face, “As you wish love.”

The rest of the morning was lost in a haze of pleasure so acute Myka didn’t quite know how to explain it. The minutes and hours ticked away in teasing touches, in rediscovering each other all over again, in silence and in breathless whispers, in slow, measured movements and in fevered desperation. Myka had known on a cognitive, rational level how much she had missed Helena, how much time she had spent simply wishing they were together, but it was only as Helena whispered, “I love you,” into her ear as Helena’s fingers disappeared once again between her legs that she realized that every single atom in her body, every single tangled up emotion in her head had been aching for Helena for the last four weeks, and only now, that she was here, did Myka once again feel whole. In the back of her mind, her fear and her worry wanted to beg her to ask how she was going to survive another two months of this, but her heart, her body demanded that she focus, that she pay attention, that she memorize each movement of Helena’s lips and fingers over her skin. It was somehow heaven and torture all at once, to have Helena there, touching her, kissing her, reinforcing the fact that her skin was a permanent residence for Helena’s fingerprints, while also knowing that another goodbye loomed before them. 

At one point, far into the morning hours, Helena noticed the far off look that had stolen into Myka’s eyes. She hovered above her, placing a kiss to her creased forehead, to the bridge of her nose, to the dip of her chin, to her lips, and whispered, “Stay right here with me, don’t go where your mind wants you to right now.”

Myka gave her head a small shake, biting her lip with a bit more force than she intended, before arching her back and rolling them over. She buried her head against Helena’s neck, mumbling, “I won’t…I’m here…I promise.”

Later in the afternoon, when they had finally emerged from their room, clothed, showered, and somewhat, though not quite, sated, they wandered into the hotel restaurant to find Pete and Claudia tucked into a corner booth, ordering a late lunch. Myka slid in next to Pete, and wrapped him in as tight of a hug as possible. He whispered, “I thought you were going to forget you owed me a hug.”

“I told you you’d get one, I just said it’d be in the afternoon, and here we are.”

Pete tucked an arm around her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her temple, before whispering even lower, “Honestly? I wasn’t sure she’d let you out of bed.”

Myka groaned and elbowed Pete’s ribs, “God…Pete…” 

Pete wiggled his eyebrows at her, “Tell me that was not a completely legit thought…”

Myka felt a blush creep into her cheeks, giving Pete an incredulous sidelong look, before chuckling, “Oh…shut up.”

His laughter ran across the table, “I _knew_ it.”

Helena gave them a questioning look, “Knew what?”

“Nothing,” Myka cut across Pete before he could get a word out. “He knew nothing, absolutely nothing.” 

Helena gave Myka a curious look, eyebrows furrowing. Pete had turned his attention back to Claudia, and Myka met Helena’s gaze, tucking her foot against Helena’s calf under the table, shooting her a quick wink that told Helena everything she needed to know about Pete and Myka’s hushed conversation.

Helena blushed slightly, before reaching a hand under the table to squeeze Myka’s knee, eliciting a deep smile from Myka. 

That smile, that small touch beneath the table, it was enough. Enough for the rest of the minutes and hours they had in the day. Enough to remind them that for the moment, they were there, within reach. The afternoon, the next two months would bring what they would. For now, in those few minutes, the looming future didn’t seem to matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random fun fact: Two summers ago I saw Paramore in Hershey, PA and it did in fact pour...and it was in fact awesome   
> (We also totally have Hershey Kisses on our lampposts...Google it, you'll find pictures)


	21. Brick by Boring Brick (Live)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour part 2!   
> Featuring a few more goodbyes, Helena discovering the inevitable downside of judging Myka's jealousy, Sally, more band weirdness, a trip down memory lane, and some wild things happening in St. Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we go. The middle part of the tour. The song for this chapter is hands down my favorite Paramore song, and I will confess that even though Hayley Williams wrote it about something else entirely, I am no longer capable of listening to it without thinking of Bering and Wells. As the title suggests, I would really recommend listening to the live version of this song. There are a couple of great versions on YouTube. 
> 
> Enjoy :-)

_Denver International Airport, Denver, Colorado, July 8, 2012_

Helena’s fingers kept up a steady rhythm against her locket, a constant back and forth tugging. There was something about the sound that it made, sliding over the chain that brought her comfort, a strange sort of consistency when everything else around her felt like it was slowly tipping off-kilter. Her nail slipped along the clasp of the charm, popping it open and closing it again almost immediately. She couldn’t stop fidgeting, her feet shuffling backwards and forwards, while Myka stood at the trunk of the car, phone pressed to her ear while she tugged Helena’s suitcase out and onto the sidewalk. 

Myka shot her a quick, apologetic smile, before returning her attention to her phone, “Ok, I have to go.” She rolled her eyes, “Yes, I will. _Yes_ , I’ll tell her.” She gritted her teeth, eliciting a small chuckle from Helena. “Ok, Mom, seriously, I’m hanging up the phone. I’ll swing by the store on my way home and we’ll talk, ok? Yes, alright, good. Love you, bye.” Myka disconnected the call with an exaggerated groan, “That woman may be the death of me.”

A small exhalation, which could have been a sigh or a tiny puff of laughter, left Helena’s nostrils, “She’s just excited _and_ nervous. Leave her be.”

“I don’t know which one of us is more ready for this interview to be over, her or me. It’s all we’ve talked about lately.”

Helena extracted her suitcase from Myka’s grip, arching her eyebrows incredulously, “It’s a big deal. It’s not everyday your bookstore gets featured in a national magazine.”

“It’s true, and I’m happy for them, because it _is_ a really big deal, but I admit, I’ll be glad to see the day when she’s not calling me once an hour wondering what she should _wear_.”

Helena just shook her head, “It will be over soon, love.” She glanced down at her watch with a grimace, “I need to go…I think everyone else is already here.”

Myka sighed, slumping against the side of the car, “Ok. You have everything you need?”

Helena stepped forward and looped her arms around Myka’s neck, coy smile tugging at her lips, “Everything except you…”

Myka smiled softly, “I’m not sure I could fit in your suitcase, Swagger.”

“That is lamentably true.” Helena groaned and tugged Myka into a tight hug, whispering against her neck, “Why does this feel harder?”

Myka dropped a kiss to Helena’s shoulder, squeezing her arms tightly around Helena’s waist, “I don’t know…but, you’re right, it does.”

Helena pulled back with a sigh, fingers coming up to swipe at her eyes in a vain attempt to chase away her growing tears. She fanned at her face with an incredulous laugh, “God, this is insane. It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”

Myka’s fingers toyed with the hem of Helena’s tank top, “I know, but…I don’t know…I hate that it’s such a long stretch until I see you again.”

Helena leveled her with a pointed look, “Then come out and see us in a couple of weeks.”

Myka hung her head, kicking her shoe against the curb. They’d had this conversation more than once over the last four days, once the reality had sunk in that given the tour schedule and Myka’s work schedule there was no way they’d see each other until mid-August for Myka’s birthday. It had caused a pall to fall over what little time they had had together. It was a cold, hard reality to face the truth that the four weeks they’d already spent apart seemed like nothing compared to the impending six ahead of them. Myka gave another small sigh, hand coming up to rub at the back of her neck, “We’ve talked about this Sweets…you know I can’t. With the album almost done and this new artist I’m starting with next week and…”

“I know, I know…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just…”

“Feel like six weeks feels a bit like forever?”

“Precisely.”

Myka ran her hands down Helena’s bare arms, unable to keep herself from trying to hold onto whatever last few scant touches they could share before Helena left, “I am sorry that work is so crazy right now.”

Helena shook her head forcefully, “No, don’t apologize for that. It’s _good_ that it is, that things are going so well. I just hate that I’m not going to see you.”

“I know, but hey,” Myka tucked a finger under Helena’s chin, encouraging her to stop staring at the ground, but actually meet Myka’s eyes. She gave her a small smile, “We’ve made it this far. It’ll be ok. I have to work, you have your adoring fans to get back to, the time will fly by and before you know it, August will be here.”

Helena stood up a bit straighter, steeling her shoulders, “I know, you’re right. I think the last four days, all the normalcy, all the _you_ time has made me realize even more than I did before just how much I’ve missed that, and now having to go back to a life without it…well, it feels a bit impossible.”

“I know, trust me. Having you home has been…everything, but we’ll get back into our tour routine. I’ll Skype you in various shades of distracting undress, you’ll say things that embarrass Pete, and suddenly everything will be back to normal.” That was enough to at least garner a genuine wave of laughter from Helena. Myka grinned, “See? We’re going to be fine. We have about eight different songs we need to finish, so we can keep writing. You have thousands more people to make fall in love with you out there, and hey, in a couple more weeks we’ll at least be in the same time zone again.”

“Thank God that’s true. I can stop waking you up when I call, which is a definite plus.”

“I have to agree with you on that.”

Helena ran a hand through Myka’s curls, giving her an adoring, teasing look, “Can’t have you sleep-deprived all on my account.”

Myka glanced down at her watch, “You’re going to be late Swagger.”

Helena sighed, “I know. I’m just trying to delay the inevitable.”

“I’m pretty sure the inevitable is here.”

“Yes, well, that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” 

Helena’s face fell into an exaggerated, stubborn grimace that elicited a small, almost saddened laugh from Myka, “God, what am I going to do without that face around?”

“You may go crazy, love. Prolonged exposure to my absence is extremely dangerous I hear.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Something like that. Ok, you have to go or you _are_ going to miss your flight and I do not want to incur Kelly’s wrath for playing a part in that happening.” Myka reached out and pulled Helena to her by the hips, inwardly lamenting that saying goodbye in public was not exactly ideal. She kissed her softly, “ I love you”

Helena pressed another kiss to Myka’s lips, “I love you too. I’ll call you when we get in.” Helena went to pull away, before turning back quickly, “Oh, didn’t you have something to tell me from your mother?”

Myka chuckled, “Thank God you remembered, if I’d have forgotten she would have killed me. She said to tell you she loves you and to stay out of trouble…because apparently my mother is _that_ type of mother now.”

“Apparently now that she’s worked up to actually _saying_ she loves me, it’s opened up our relationship for all sorts of motherly admonishments.”

“Something like that.”

“Well,” Helena stepped back into Myka’s space, “you tell your mother I only get into trouble when you’re around, therefore, I think I’ll be ok.”

Myka flushed, “There is no way in hell that I’m telling my mother that. At least not with _that_ particular tone.”

Helena smirked, “I had to get one more blush out of you before I left. Which I am now doing. Ok,” she kissed Myka one more time, “I love you and I will talk to you later.”

Myka reached out and squeezed Helena’s hand, “I love you too. Fly safe.”

Helena grabbed her suitcase and willed herself to just _walk_ into the airport, despite the fact that her feet felt like that had suddenly turned to concrete. She didn’t know why she thought this would be easier. How could it be easier when all they’d gotten were four tiny days together, which ended up being filled with errands and family visits and a million other things that didn’t necessarily involve them just _being together_. Helena knew she was being ridiculous and a bit petulant, but she couldn’t help but feel as though they really hadn’t gotten as much _time_ as she had hoped. Then again, as she looked over her shoulder to flash Myka one last smile before she was out of sight, a move so very reminiscent of all those nights when Myka would drop her off at her apartment and wait for that small gesture before pulling away from the curb, in that moment, as Myka gave her a quick wave, accompanied by a smile that Helena could tell was taking a great deal of effort, she realized that no matter how much time they got together, it would _never_ be enough time.

**

Myka watched Helena disappear behind a corner in the airport, but she couldn’t find the ability to get back in her car, suddenly seized by a strangled combination of guilt and dejection. The thought of having to go home now to a house that would be so woefully empty…she wasn’t sure she was capable of doing it. The last four days had been such a startling reminder of how _full_ and how _alive_ Helena made everything feel. Having her back in town, the house had felt lighter, more like _home_ , everything had just felt right, like the universe had sunken back into the rhythm it was supposed to flow in. It wasn’t until she had had Helena back that Myka had fully realized how lonely she had been, how empty their house, their bed, had felt. She didn’t know how she was going to go back to that now. It had felt too good to have Helena home. It was enough to make her wish, deep down, in the darkest corner of her heart, that Helena _hadn’t_ come home. She wondered if this was why Abigail had never scheduled them any breaks like this, because she knew how much harder they made everything. Myka felt as though she’d been given everything she had ever wanted only to have it be yanked away before she was even able to enjoy it. The guilt of that thought was enough to allow a headache to blossom at the base of her skull. She had no idea how she could feel like this, wishing they hadn’t had this time, despite knowing how much they had _needed_ it, how happy it had made both of them. She told herself it was worth it. The acute ache she felt at watching Helena leave, it would fade, and things would resume their normal pace, the pace they had settled into, the pace that had worked so very well for these first few weeks. They were ok. They had made it this far. Only eight more weeks. 

The person parked behind her suddenly laid on their horn, jarring her from her thoughts and reminding her that her car was very much _in the way_. She waved a quick hand at them and pushed off of where she had been leaning, unfocused, against her car. She hopped in the car and quickly pulled into traffic, directing her car towards the highway, only to realize all over again that she absolutely didn’t want to go home.

**

Myka’s phone kept flashing text notifications at her, and it was driving her insane, but there was nothing to be done until she was off the highway. Once she pulled into the lot behind the bookstore, she couldn’t unlock her phone fast enough. She had six texts from Helena, all sent within a span of a few minutes. Myka looked at the time stamps, Helena must had sent them the second she had gotten to her gate, because they were sent not too long after Myka had _finally_ convinced herself to leave the airport. 

_“I hate feeling like this.”_  
“And I feel completely pathetic for feeling this way, like I’m some love sick teenager who can’t handle being away from their girlfriend for more than a few moments.”  
“I think I had forgotten just what it felt like to be home…with you…just how blissfully normal our life is (sometimes).”  
“And then I feel completely tangled up because I want this too.”  
“Maybe I’m thinking about it too much. In fact I’m sure I’m thinking about it too much.”  
“Suffice it to say…the last four days have been complete heaven…they’ve been everything I’ve needed to get back out there and do this crazy life. I love you so much, and I miss you already.” 

It was exactly what Myka needed. The reminder that whatever crazy, messed up, pathetic emotions she was feeling, she wasn’t alone. Helena was right there with her. In some small way, it helped ease her mind, stop her thoughts from circling and spinning in all the haphazard directions they had taken on her drive home. It was also enough to remind her how much she _wanted_ Helena to do this, to _enjoy_ this. She never wanted to feel like she was somehow holding Helena back from taking in every moment of this summer and living it, no matter how hard it was to be apart from each other. She checked the clock, making sure that they wouldn’t have boarded yet. She still had a little bit of time.

_“You are not pathetic. If you are, well then, I am too I suppose, because I know exactly how you feel.”_  
“Having you home has been amazing, and I wish that somehow we could have both, that you could tour and still be home, or that you could tour and I could be there.”  
“However…since that’s not possible, we have to do whatever we can to enjoy what we have, and that goes beyond you and I and our time together.”  
“I want you to have this too Swagger. I’ve seen how happy you guys have been this summer. This tour…it’s everything you guys have needed, and I love that now everyone knows how talented you guys are.”  
“No more feeling tangled…here is your untangling…I love you. I love the band. I love that crazy, sexy, incredible voice of yours. I’m not going anywhere. So go out there and finish out this tour in a blaze of swagger.”  
“ I miss you, and I cannot wait until we’re together again, but I also can’t wait to hear about all the new ways that you guys are blowing people away. So, even though it’s crazy, I can honestly say I wouldn’t want our life to be any different than it is right now.” 

In that moment, Myka meant every single word she had said. She trusted that they would get through the summer, that they would, in some ways, end up better for the summer, stronger. The patterns and routines they had set up over the last month had worked well, for the most part, and she trusted that they would fall back into those things quickly and life would resume its newly adjusted sense of normalcy. 

However, there’s always something you end up wishing you could change, there’s always something that once it happens you wish you could go back in time and change the events that lead up to it to keep it from happening. Myka would realize later that she should have known, should have anticipated, but her mind wasn’t focusing on what could go wrong. She wanted to focus on what they could do right, what they were doing right. To spend time focusing on anything else…well, in that moment, Myka simply didn’t think it was necessary.

**

_Clarkston, MI, “Wonder Found” Tour, mid-July 2012_

At first, Helena didn’t think anything of it, because, well, because she remembered what those last few weeks had been like when they were wrapping up their own album. She remembered the late nights, trudging home well after midnight. She remembered the nights Claudia had simply declared that she was going to curl up on the couch in the studio, because what was the point in going home when they had to be back in a few hours. She remembered the harried look in Fargo’s eyes as things careened towards the finish line. She remembered everything feeling like an absolute blur, she remembered _not_ remembering much of what was happening around her, because everything had condensed so tightly that she could think of nothing but the album. So, no, she didn’t think anything of it when Myka started pulling insane hours, only being able to talk for a few scant minutes here and there, because she _knew_ this was what happened when an album was nearly finished. She didn’t think anything of it when there were bags under Myka’s eyes and she started looking a little worse for wear, because she _remembered_ feeling the exact same way, she _remembered_ all of them looking the exact same way. She didn’t think anything about it…until she did…until a combination of two phone calls on the same day _forced_ her to think about. 

The first came in the beginning hours of the day, and she realized that maybe she was calling a little bit early, but she and Myka had made a plan to run that day, and Helena had time during her late morning, Myka’s early morning. Myka had told her she would be up and ready, despite the craziness of her life lately, despite how tired she was. She had said she _would be up_ , because their running routine was one of the things that was helping them make all of this _work_. It was a dedicated time for each other, when even though they weren’t _together_ , they were somehow…together. So, because they had a plan, Helena was ready and raring to go at ten o’clock sharp, as they had agreed upon. She pulled out her phone, expecting Myka to be just as ready. The call kept ringing and ringing in Helena’s ear, for far longer than it usually did when there was a _plan_ , but she told herself maybe Myka was still getting ready, or her phone was in the other room, so she let it ring, until finally, Myka answered, but her voice was anything but ready, it was thick and tired and barely aware, “Hello?”

“Darling?” Helena heard Myka give a strangled kind of half yawn, half groan, the kind she knew she gave when she was just waking up, stretching to convince her muscles to move. She didn’t want to be annoyed, knew she _shouldn’t_ be, because life was crazy and Myka had been working like a madwoman, and something was eventually going to give, but if Helena was honest she hadn’t expected _this_ , something of _theirs_ , to be the thing that gave. She bit back her tone, schooled it into something soft, “Love, were you still asleep?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry…I was up way too late…we were reworking one of the tracks, because ya know that’s exactly what you should do a week before an album deadline.”

“Well, no one ever said that Philip and Sally made things easy for you, nor did anyone ever say that you _liked_ doing the easy thing.”

“That’s true. It’ll be worth it though…we ended up with a hell of a track.”

“Good, that’s good.” Helena didn’t know what else to say, because Myka clearly didn’t seem to even _remember_ that they had a plan and she really didn’t know how to breach the subject without sounding annoyed or hurt or both.

Myka, however, wasn’t going to give her much of a choice on whether or not she should bring it up. Myka’s voice sounded like it was on the brink of collapsing back into sleep, “So, Swagger, what’s up?”

Helena took a deep breath, nails raking through her hair. She couldn’t say exactly _why_ she was so annoyed, but she was. It was an itch, an irritation right underneath her skin that she couldn’t get to, but couldn’t ignore either. She sighed, “Well…we were supposed to run…”

“Shit…” Myka’s voice was a shot of panicked frustration, immediately scrambling to fix what really shouldn’t have been that big of a problem, “I am so sorry. I…I clearly completely forgot. I was so tired last night, I kind of collapsed and clearly didn’t set an alarm and _dammit_ , I am so, so sorry. I know this is our thing…and I have totally screwed up that thing.”

The remorse in Myka’s tone went a long way towards soothing Helena’s suddenly fevered brain. Of course this would never have been something intentional, and of course it wasn’t a bit deal, “It’s quite alright darling. We can delay a bit, if you feel up for it that is, if you’re tired…”

“No, no, we can…it’s just…shit…”

Helena’s irritation flared again, “What is it?”

Myka gave a long sigh and when she spoke Helena could tell she really didn’t want to be saying the words she was saying, “It’s just…I’d have to go home and change…and by the time I did that…well, our window of time would be kind of small.”

Helena wasn’t sure she had heard that correctly, “Wait…why would you have to go home? Where are you?”

“I’m at the studio…I ended up crashing here. It seemed easier at the time when I considered I’d have to be back here in the morning anyway and it was late.”

“Didn’t you sleep there the other night as well?” Something pricked in Helena’s mind, curious and worried that this was something _more_ than what Myka was saying.

“Yeah, yeah, I did, but you know how things are when you’re finishing an album…”

Helena bit her tongue, because she _did_ know and she _should_ understand. If she fought back against this, it would lead to a highly unnecessary argument over nothing and that was certainly not something that they needed at the moment, not when they were back into the groove of the tour and the distance and things had been going so well. She sighed, “Of course I know, love. I just…I don’t want you exhausting yourself and winding up sick or something.”

“I know…believe me, I will be happy when this album is finished. Which it will be, in a few more days, and then I can start feeling like a normal person again.”

“I’m sure.” Helena didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know why there was still a twisting in her stomach that was making her feel overheated and uncomfortable. She ground her nails into the palm of her hand, trying to keep her tone light, “Well, why don’t you try and get a little bit more sleep. I think I’m going to try and still fit a run in before sound check, ok?”

Myka’s tone was small, resigned, “Yeah, absolutely. I am sorry Helena.”

“I know love. It’s ok. We’ll try again in a couple of days.”

“Ok. I’ll talk to you in a little bit.”

“Alright. Try and get some rest darling.”

Myka half-sighed, half-laughed, “It’s highly improbable but I’ll try.”

By the end of her run, Helena felt better, like she had returned to some semblance of baseline. She told herself that it would be different if Myka did this all the time, but this had been a first and she had sounded upset that it had happened at all. Helena knew she was overreacting and that it was most likely a byproduct of everything they were dealing with, and so she told herself it was ok. That everything was fine. Myka was doing her job and that was _good_. She was simply in the midst of one of those periods where doing her job and doing it well meant that everything was crazy and insane and a little off-kilter. One missed run wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t even close to a big deal, and well, a few nights of sleep on the studio’s couch…they were concerning, but not panic-inducing, not yet.

Helena held onto that feeling the rest of the night, because when she was being honest with herself she knew she had blown it all a bit out of proportion in her head. There was no more need to focus on it, and so she didn’t. She gave herself over to the heady emotion of another audience, another show, another round of adrenaline brought on by the insanity of it all. It wasn’t until later, when everyone else had gone out for a late dinner, and she had decided to stay behind to shower and hopefully relax a bit that everything came screaming back in full force. 

She glanced at her phone. It was later than she had anticipated and she knew if she had any hope of fitting a phone call in tonight she needed to do it sooner rather than later, otherwise one of them, her or Myka, would be asleep long before they got a chance to talk. She opened up a FaceTime call with Myka and waited, reclining back against the pillows of her bunk, feeling the early tugs of weightless exhaustion in her muscles. 

The call clicked over, but it wasn’t Myka on her screen. It was Sally. It was Sally giving her a wildly fake smile, putting on that affected air she got so often around Helena, “Why, isn’t it the big rock star?”

There was something in her tone that made Helena’s skin crawl, it was too familiar, too much of everything that had bothered Helena from the moment they had first met. She bit the inside of her cheek and attempted to keep her features passive, “Hello Sally. Might I ask why you’re answering Myka’s phone?”

Sally waved an impatient hand, “She’s in the other room, on the main line with someone from the label, talking about Lord knows what.” She gave a waft of feigned laughter, “Just another day, well _night_ , in the studio I guess. I figured she wouldn’t want to miss your call.”

“How… _thoughtful_ of you.”

“Well,” Sally arched what Helena was sure Sally thought was a playful eyebrow, “we do have to keep Myka happy while you’re gone don’t we?” Helena’s mouth gaped in a woeful attempt to find _anything_ to say in response to such a blatant innuendo, yet any and all words escaped her; her brain far too distracted by the pulse of anger moving through it to say anything. Sally just gave her another cloyingly sweet smile, “Do you want me to tell her you called?”

“Tell me who called?” Myka’s voice rang out from somewhere Helena couldn’t see, but though she couldn’t see her face she could absolutely detect the hint of panic, the hint of anger lying beneath her tone.

Sally gave Helena a surreptitious wink, before turning her head to address Myka. The screen wobbled as Sally apparently wiggled the phone in Myka’s direction, “Your rock star is on the phone.”

“And you _answered_ it?” Helena definitely heard the cutting edge in Myka’s voice, and she felt a certain tinge of happiness at Myka’s apparent annoyance. Suddenly, the phone shifted and Myka was on the screen giving her some strange combination of an apologetic smile and a frustrated grimace, “Give me one second Swagger.”

“Of course darling.”

Helena waited as she heard Myka tell Sally that she didn’t need to, _shouldn’t_ in fact, answer her phone. Helena almost wished that Myka would have yelled at her, told her off in some way, but she knew Myka and she knew that something like that would be nothing but a hindrance in the midst of the final weeks of recording. Helena heard what sounded like the snapping of a door closed and then Myka was back on the screen, hand running through her hair, exasperated look on her face, “Helena, I am so sorry.”

That odd sense of annoyance for some reason pulsed in Helena’s stomach again, “It’s not exactly your fault that that woman answered your phone. Though I must say…I would much prefer to _never_ experience that again.”

Myka groaned, head slumping against her chest, “I know, I’m sorry. That was a complete overstepping of her boundaries and I told her that. I swear I don’t get her sometimes. I mean, sure we’re friends, but…”

Helena couldn’t stop herself, “But sometimes she likes to pretend like you don’t have a girlfriend?”

Myka’s eyes widened slightly, “Wow, I was going to say she sometimes likes to act like we’re closer than we are, but...”

Helena cut across her, frustration lacing her words, “You cannot honestly tell me that you don’t see the fact that she obviously harbors some sort of feelings for you? That she has for a long time?”

“Come on, Helena. We’ve talked about this. She doesn’t, and even if she did, it doesn’t matter.”

Helena scoffed, “It most certainly matters. It matters when she answers my calls like that, all cavalier and nonchalant like it’s the most natural thing in the world. It matters when it seems like she’s been less and less subtle about flirting with you now that I’m on the road.”

“Are we honestly having this conversation right now?” Myka’s voice had steeled into something harder, like each word was taking an effort to bite out, “Are we really going to do this after the whole Vince debacle?”

“This is different, Myka. Vince in no way, shape, or form has any kind of feelings for me. Can you honestly say the same thing about Sally?” Helena hated that she sounded petulant, but she was beginning to realize that these worries had been festering lately, grating at her nerves, despite the fact that she knew there was no reason for them to be having this conversation, especially not after their fight about Vince, as Myka had been so quick to point out. Yet, there was something about Sally, her forwardness with Myka, her tendency to act like Helena didn’t quite factor into any equation in Myka’s life, that made her flare with irrational anger.

Myka sighed heavily, fingers coming up to pinch at the bridge of her nose. When she looked back at the phone she looked completely defeated, rung out, and deflated, “No, I can’t.” Helena went to say something but Myka cut her off, holding up a solitary finger, “Just…Helena, give me one second, please.” Helena nodded curtly and let Myka continue. “Just because I can’t say that, _doesn’t_ mean that this isn’t the exact same conversation as the one we had three weeks ago. She could come in here and declare her undying love for me and it wouldn’t make one damn bit of difference because _I_ am in love with _you_. I want no one else but _you_. You can’t be angry with me for being jealous and then turn around and do the same thing to me, it’s not fair.”

“I know,” Helena hung her head, still feeling a low hum of worry streaking through her bloodstream, “I’m sorry, I just really, _really_ do not like that woman. She makes me feel invisible.” The last few words trickled out on the barest of whispers, Helena’s eyes stealing away from the phone, unwilling to look at Myka as she said them.

“Helena, please look at me.” When Helena looked back at the phone, Myka’s eyes were glimmering with heat, an intensity Helena knew she reserved for moments like these. Myka gave her an assured smile, “Swagger, you are not invisible. Nothing in this world, certainly not anything that Sally says or does, could make you seem invisible to me. Hell, most of the time, you’re the only thing I’m able to see clearly.”

Helena’s lips twitched in a hint of a smile, “That doesn’t mean I would still not like to give that woman a piece of my mind.”

Myka rolled her eyes with a smirk, “Oh Sweets...”

Helena sighed, “I just…I feel like everything feels _weird_ right now, and I don’t know why. It’s like all day I’ve had this strange feeling like something is off and not right and I cannot shake that feeling, like something is just…teetering.”

“Any particular reason?”

Helena bit the corner of her lip, uncertain if she should just _ask_ what was on her mind. She sighed, three weeks ago she had gotten upset at Myka for not being honest, therefore she couldn’t exactly justify holding back now that the shoe was on the other foot, “Myka, are you going home tonight?”

A pained look crossed Myka’s face, her fingers immediately coming up to rub against her forehead, “I don’t know. We still have a lot of work to do…and I have another session scheduled tomorrow morning for the next album I’m working on…”

“Myka...why aren’t you going home? It’s not like we live that far away…you could go _home_ …”

Myka let out a strangled groan, and when she spoke there was more force behind her words than Helena expected, “Because it doesn’t feel like _home_ without you there! Because I go home and the house feels _so damn empty_ , like there’s this hole there and I can’t fill it. I sit there and all it does is remind me that you aren’t here.”

Helena swallowed down the lump in her throat, though she knew there were tears on her cheeks, “How long has this been going on?”

Myka sighed, eyes stealing away from her phone, “Since the break. I don’t know, it’s like having you home for those few days, it reminded me of just how _full_ you make everything, and once you left…I just…I’ve been having trouble readjusting.”

“So you thought the solution was sleeping on your old couch at the studio? Did you really expect me to not figure that out?”

Myka shook her head quickly, confusion causing her face to crinkle, “Wait. _Why_ do you sound pissed at me about this?”

“ _I don’t know, Myka_. It just feels very…I don’t know…it makes me feel absolutely bloody _awful_ and _guilty_. I mean, _you aren’t going home_ , and it feels like it’s all my fault. How am I supposed to react to that? You aren’t sleeping at home in our bed, and you’re spending all this time at the studio, and it’s late, and God, I keep thinking Sally can probably hear us talking right now, and it just feels… _impossible_.”

Myka wiped at the tears that were catching at the corners of her eyes, “I can honestly say I have no idea how this has devolved into us fighting.” 

“Because somehow our day has started with you missing our run because you aren’t sleeping at home, and then Sally answered your bloody phone, and well…it’s kind of fallen apart from there.”

Myka’s shoulders gave a defeated kind of shrug, “I don’t know what to say, Helena. I feel like no matter what I say or what I do regarding any of this, it’s just going to result in you being angry. I kind of feel like no matter what, you were gearing up to be pissed off at me for _something_ today. I’m not sure I really stand a chance with the rest of this conversation.”

“Well then maybe we should just go. I’m sure you still have work to do.”

“Helena…” Myka said her name like a gasp, like someone had just punched her in the stomach.

Helena’s eyes stole away from the phone and she could feel every single one of her walls going up while all of her emotions sunk, “Everyone is going to be back from dinner soon, and I can’t exactly have this conversation with Pete listening. I should go.”

“I don’t want you to…I don’t want to end this conversation like this…”

“Myka, if we don’t hang up, I somehow feel like things are just going to get worse. Call it my sense of self-preservation kicking in.”

Myka let out a defeated sigh, “Ok…well…I guess if that’s what you feel is best…”

“I do. Good night Myka.”

“Hey…” Myka’s voice was sharp, but when Helena looked back at her, Myka’s eyes were shining with tears. Myka’s voice lowered, like she had lost all of her fight, “I love you.”

Helena ground her teeth, hating the irrationality pulsing through her system, though it didn’t stop her from hanging up the phone immediately after offering Myka up a softened, albeit hasty, “I love you too.”

**

_Warehouse 13 Studios, Colorado Springs, mid-July 2012_

Myka sat there, head hanging over her phone, completely stunned that they had even _had_ that conversation. She had no idea how it had happened, how it had degraded so quickly, how she had somehow managed to upset Helena so much. She felt empty, hollow, like every string she ever had to cling to was slipping through her fingers. “This shouldn’t be happening,” she mumbled to herself, because she honestly had no idea what was going on. In passing, she wondered if she should simply just call Helena back, figure this out, but there was something in Helena’s tone, in her frustration, that told Myka that might not be the best play right at this moment. She needed to give her time. 

A tiny knock at the door, drew Myka’s focus. She sighed, “Come in.”

Sally’s head poked into the room with a coy, almost teasing look, “Everything alright in here?”

Myka bit back a groan, “Ya know what? No, they aren’t. They are the _exact opposite_ of alright.”

Myka could see Sally’s lips twitch with the small hint of betraying a smile, “Well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Myka rolled her eyes, unable to reign her emotions in, “Oh just _drop it_ , ok? Don’t give me that bullshit, Sally.”

Sally stepped into the room fully, faux look of innocence on her face, “Excuse me?”

Myka stood up quickly, willing herself not to scream, “I have no idea what kind of game you think you’re playing here, but seriously, you can stop. Whatever you think could happen here, has no chance in hell of happening. So all the little, coy comments about Helena, all the hints about her being gone…just _stop it_. I have put up with this for a _year_ and I have tried to ignore it, to just produce your album and keep things professional, but _you know_ you crossed a line tonight and that will not happen again. Is that clear?”

Sally at least had the grace to look moderately ashamed, “Yes, completely.”

“Good,” Myka pushed past her, “I’m going _home_. I suggest you and Philip do the same.”

“But I thought we were going to…”

“ _No_ , we’re done for the night. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

**

If Myka thought that the house had felt empty before, it was nothing to how it felt in those few hours after she had left the studio. Despite the fact that the temperature outside still hovered in the low eighties, she had lit a fire, choosing to leave the rest of the lights in the house off, allowing the unearthly glow to serve as the only light she needed. She had turned on one of Helena’s favorite jazz albums, letting it echo through the house in an attempt to drown out the catastrophic silence of the empty rooms, the deafening drone of the thoughts racing through her head. She knew she needed to go to bed. She was exhausted and her muscles ached, most likely from far too many nights on the goddamn couch, but she couldn’t muster up the strength to care, to notice, to put up an effort to even move. If she was being honest, she didn’t think even if she trudged up the steps to their bed that she would be capable of sleeping, not when everything was still so open and uncertain and raw. The thought of lying in their bed, as though everything was normal, when Helena’s cursory, clipped goodbye was still ringing in her ears, was enough to make all of her nerve-endings tense with a pulsating ache. 

She had played their conversation over and over again in her mind, tried to figure out the moment when it had turned, when it had gone so completely wrong, but each time she came up at a loss. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand Helena’s anger, even her jealousy, at Sally’s actions. She understood it far too well, but she stood by her stance that after everything with Vince, the conversation Helena was trying to pull her into was fruitless and mind-numbingly frustrating. It wasn’t even that she didn’t really understand Helena’s concern about her current sleeping habits. She knew it was crazy to not go home, to refuse to acknowledge the empty house, but she also knew it was temporary, simply something she needed in order to get back into the flow of their current state of normal. Yet, she could not for the life of her figure out how all of those understandable frustrations had devolved into Helena completely shutting down, seemingly on the brink of unrestrained anger. She wanted to understand, to fix whatever it was that had gone so staggeringly wrong, yet she couldn’t help but feel like she was standing on the opposite side of a canyon from Helena, and no matter how loud she shouted, nothing could be heard. 

Into the void of Myka’s thoughts, the soft crackle of the fire, the low thrum of the music, came the faintest of sounds, one that it took Myka far too long to place. The sound was muffled, the vibration of her phone swallowed up by the rug on which it lay. Once she recognized the sound for what it was, she reached, almost distractedly for her phone, eyes straying to the time first. It was after one in the morning, which meant it was far later where Helena was, yet there was her image, shining across Myka’s screen, a clear indication that she didn’t give a damn what time it was, and that Myka really needed to answer the phone.

Myka took a deep breath, unconsciously steeling herself for whatever was going to come on the other end of this call. She willed her voice into something calm, maybe even a bit reassuring, despite the fact that she was terrified to face whatever was waiting for her on the other line, “Hey you…”

Myka was met with near silence, the only thing to filter into her ear was the faint echo of what sounded like Helena’s sobs. Myka closed her eyes, the heel of her hand dragging across her forehead. Whatever this phone call was…it wasn’t good, but if Helena wasn’t going to talk, Myka would, “Helena…Sweets…whatever it is that is going on right now…if it really is Sally or the fact that my sleeping habits have been admittedly insane or something else entirely…you can talk to me. I will absolutely admit that I’m not quite sure how we ended up _here_ , but since this is where we’re at, we can talk about it, whatever it is, I’m here.”

Helena’s voice was small, laced with the tiniest of hiccups as she tried to get herself back under some semblance of control, “It’s everything and it’s absolutely nothing. I just hate feeling like I’ve completely messed up our life, that I’ve thrown everything off balance. I hate that sometimes…sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t blame you if Sally’s tactics worked, because how can I just ask you to wait for me?”

Myka heard Helena give a small intake of breath, an indication that she had a great deal more _words_ to say, but Myka couldn’t let that last sentence go without proper and _immediate_ response, “You can ask that because I love you, Swagger, because we love each other, because we’ve got a pretty clear future planned for ourselves and I remain wildly uninterested in spending that future with anyone else but you. Helena…you could ask me to wait for you for years on end, and guess what? I’d do it, because this is all I want, _you_ are all I want, and I will keep reminding you of that until I run out of breath. Plus…God…I don’t _feel_ like you’re asking me to wait for you. That’s not even close to how I feel, and I don’t want you to feel that way either. _And_ …because I have no other way to properly say this… _fuck_ Sally _and_ her tactics, which I pretty much told her earlier by the way. I…I messed that up, and I get that. I just tried to ignore it, and I tried to make you ignore it too, and I’m sorry because that wasn’t the right thing to do, I just…I knew that to me it was absolutely nothing, and I should have been a bit more forceful about shutting it down because clearly to you it was much more than nothing, and I am so sorry for that, but trust me, I informed her tonight, quite unequivocally, what I think of her tactics, and I don’t think it’s going to be a problem anymore. I really don’t think so since I’m pretty sure that whenever their next album rolls around, it’s not going to be my name on the production line.”

“Myka…”

“No, Helena, I’m serious. They’re talented and I have loved working with their _music_ , but _they_ are too much. I want to do this producing thing, but not like this, and given the massive list of artists Jack and Rebecca gave me today that have requested time at the studio, it’s not like I’ll be any worse for wear for showing them the door.”

“And yet again I say, I hate that I feel like I’m messing up your life.”

Myka closed her eyes fighting back an incredulous sigh, apparently they were going to be having this conversation the hard way, going around and around in circles until they both were more than exhausted, “This is not you messing up my life. Helena, whether or not you were in my life at this precise moment would not change the decision I just told you I have made. You know, you’ve seen, how hard these two have made this. Is all of Sally’s bullshit a big part of this decision? Yes. But is it the only part? No. Plus, again I will say, even if you weren’t in the picture, all this stuff with Sally, it would still be leading me to the same decision. It’s obnoxious and unnecessary and just… _no_.”

“I just hate that I’m not there. I hate that I’m not there and it’s making your life harder. I mean, Myka, you haven’t been _going home_. I will admit that I kind of had an inkling that that was going on, but to hear you actually _say it_ , I cannot explain to you exactly how that made me feel. It was some awful cocktail of guilt and frustration and utter misery, because I do not want to fathom you feeling so terrible that you hate being in our house.”

Myka ran a hand down her face, she had no idea how to explain this, how to make it _better_ , because no explanation she had would do anything to assuage Helena’s feelings on this particular subject. She sighed, “It’s not…it’s not that I _hate_ being in our house. Currently, I’m actually laying on our couch, in front of our fireplace…and I will absolutely say I don’t hate it.”

“You’re making light, Myka.”

“I know,” Myka groaned. “I just, I don’t know what to say, because I feel like whatever I say, it’s not going to help.”

“Whether it helps or not, I really need to hear what you have to say about this love.”

“It’s what I said earlier. It’s not that I hate being home, it’s just…it’s really hard to be here without you, and a lot of the time that makes me feel really pathetic, because I lived by myself for _years_ , and I was fine, but this house, it’s _ours_ , and it very much doesn’t feel like home when you aren’t here. It’s not that I didn’t know that, feel that, before, but having you home for break, it just kind of made me realize how empty it had felt without you here, and once you left, all that silence just kind of came _screaming_ back into stark reality. It’s hard…sleeping in our bed next to your pillows and looking at your nightstand without your phone there, without your book, or just sitting here and realizing how quiet it is, because let’s face it, you are a very hard woman to keep quiet, so a house without all of your humming and singing and laughter…it’s…it’s lonely. It’s not that I had forgotten how full you make this house, Helena, but I think I had kept myself from thinking about it, and now…now I’m just in this place where it’s _all_ I can think about, and so it’s been easier to not be here. It’s been stupid and foolish and a pain in the ass, but right now, emotionally, it’s been easier to not be here. And I’m not saying that this is how my life is going to be for here on out, that I’m going to like move out or something every time you’re on tour. I’m just saying that for the last two weeks, it’s what I’ve needed to help me readjust.”

“I just wish there was some way for you to not be going through all of that, and I feel like it’s my fault that you are, and it makes me feel horrendously guilty.”

“Helena, the only way that I wouldn’t be going through this is if I wasn’t as crazy, ridiculously in love with you as I am, and there is no way in hell that is going to happen, so we work with the situation we’re in. Plus, if you really want to talk about things that we hate, _I_ absolutely abhor the fact that my failure to properly readjust in this precise moment is making you feel guilty for living your life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are doing exactly what you were meant to be doing, and I don’t begrudge you that for a second. I love that you’re doing this. Yeah, it sucks that you aren’t home, but Helena, I will say this for the thousandth time … _this_ is what you were meant to be doing, and I never want to take you away from that, or make you feel like you shouldn’t be enjoying it.”

“But what if…” Helena’s voice broke slightly, until she cleared her throat and tried again, “What if someday this is the thing that makes you stop being so crazy in love with me?” Helena’s voice was small, almost like she was ashamed to even speak the words, or as if just by saying them, it would be enough to make them come true.

Myka let out a long, slow breath to give herself enough time to think about the exact thing she needed to say in this moment, to find the proper words to keep Helena from falling off the cliff she was apparently hovering over. She swallowed down the lump that had risen in her throat, because she wanted to get through this clearly, because Helena needed to hear every word she was about to say, “Helena Wells, I need you to listen to me. The list of things that could _ever_ make me stop being in love with you is so small, it’s basically non-existent. Seriously, as long as you don’t kill anyone or cheat on me, I think we’re good. You _living the life you were meant to_ , you chasing your dreams by sharing that crazy voice of yours with the world? If anything those things make me fall _more_ in love with you. You are one of the most passionate, dedicated people I have ever met, and the fact that you just go out there and live and perform with such reckless abandon, it’s insanely attractive. You make me want to live a fuller life because of all the ways that you just put yourself out there and embrace what gets thrown at you. You somehow keep forgetting that I fell in love with you, exactly as you are, with all of your lead singer sass and swagger, and with all of your cuddle up on our couch and watch the world float by homebody-ness. It’s not one or the other for me, it’s _all_ of you. You _never_ have to feel guilty for doing what you were meant to do. I am here for this ride, for _all_ of it. The tours and the breaks and the crazy schedules and the down time and the times when things are spinning so fast everything feels like a blur, that’s the life I want with you.” Myka paused to take a breath, to regroup and re-gather her thoughts, until a particular memory struck her, “Do you remember when we first got together and you would constantly remind me that you loved my particular brand of crazy?”

Helena let out a soft, watery chuckle, “How could I forget?”

“Well…you and I? We now have our own particular brand of crazy together, and I’m telling you right here, right now, I absolutely _love_ that particular brand of crazy.”

“Even when it makes you not want to sleep in our bed?”

Myka smirked and wished Helena could see it, wished that she could give her even that small level of comfort, “Even then Swagger.”

“I just…” Helena let out a heavy sigh, “Nevermind.”

“You just what, Helena? Come on, might as well get it all out there.”

Helena’s words came out in a rush, “I just keep thinking about what happens if we have kids. What am I going to do? Just leave for months on end and you leave you home to deal with all of that? Do you know how insanely _unfair_ that seems? I mean who wants to live that kind of life?”

“Wow…Sweets…let’s get through the first tour, ok? There is absolutely no need to jump that far ahead, because you’re only causing yourself undue worry.” 

“I know, but…well, there is far too much time while on the road to over think a lot of things, and trust me, lately, _that_ has been one of the things I’ve been wildly over-thinking. I cannot quite help it.”

“We will cross that bridge if, and when, we get there. We have enough to focus on in the here and now, without worrying about what is still years away.”

“Rationally, I know that, however…”

“However, your rational side is taking a bit of a breather right now, therefore here’s what I’ll say. If, and when, the time comes we will talk about what needs to happen to keep our family happy, whether that means shorter tours or more breaks or just packing the mini-me’s up and taking them on the road.”

Helena let out a small breath of laughter, “You can’t possibly be serious, Myka.”

“Hell yes, I’m serious. Come on, it’d practically garner us our own bus. Plus, you figure at that point, Pete and Amanda will have kids too, so it’ll basically be a cavalcade of mini-Lattimers and mini-Bering-Wells’s running around wreaking all kinds of havoc.”

“Mini-Bering-Wells’s huh?” 

Myka could detect the faintest hint of a smile in Helena’s voice and it eased her mind more than she could process. She chuckled softly, “You know that order has already been established. Don’t fight it.”

“For something that you claim you don’t think we need to worry about just yet, you sound like you’ve given this quite a bit of thought love.”

“Maybe a bit. Pete and I might already have a plan for turning the future minions into their own tiny little band.”

That caused Helena to let out a full blown waft of laughter, “God help those children.”

“You and Amanda will have to save them from our scheming. You’ve been warned.”

“I’ll have to remember that.”

“Trust me, I won’t let you forget it.”

There was a long pause, one that finally felt comfortable, that didn’t make Myka feel like her world was teetering on a knife’s edge, nearly on the brink of collapse. Finally, Helena’s voice, a little softer, broke the silence, “You make it all sound so easy.”

“I harbor zero illusions that any of this will be easy, Helena. _However_ , I can’t help but believe that when it comes to you and me and our future, we’ll always make it work.”

“Let me guess,” Helena’s tone was just slightly teasing, “because we love each other?”

“Is there any better reason than that?”

“Certainly not one that I can think of, darling.”

Myka attempted to tread carefully over her next few words, feeling as though they had made a certain amount of progress, certainly feeling that Helena at least _sounded_ better, and she didn’t want to cause them to backtrack, though she knew there were still things she needed to say, “I am sorry about Sally, Helena, and for making you worry about how I’m dealing. I never want to be the thing that causes you to not love what you’re doing, and I hate that that’s happened lately. You know that I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“Oh darling you’re _always_ a distraction.”

“Jesus…I walked right into that one,” Myka sighed, “but I am serious.”

Helena gave a light chuckle, “I know love, I’m sorry for teasing, and I’m sorry for being a bit abrasive earlier today. I feel as though I rather let all of this get out of control; I think I blew everything a bit out of proportion. It’s just hard…being away from you…and then having these things happen and not being there to fix them properly. I just miss you and apparently that sometimes makes me act rather crazy.”

“I miss you too, and you know that I’m here for the crazy. I get that sometimes all of this is going to catch up with us and make everything feel impossible, I just don’t want you to forget that I’m in this with you, and that at the end of the day all I want is for you to be happy.”

“And I am…most of the time…just sometimes without you…”

“I know, Swagger, I know.”

“Myka…” Helena’s tone was hesitant, “I don’t want you feeling like you can’t be at home…”

Myka felt her lips pull in a small smile, “I’m working on that, I promise. I’m here now, and honestly? My back is fucking killing me from the couch, so I’m pretty sure our bed is the only place I’ll be sleeping for the foreseeable future.”

Helena’s laughter was small, “I can imagine. You know I want you to be happy too, and the thought of you avoiding the house…it just doesn’t seem…happy.”

“I know. I’ll get there. Like I said, it’s just taking me a little bit to readjust to all of this, but I also don’t want you thinking that I’m miserable. That’s not it, at all.”

“Per usual, you and I are quite the pair aren’t we?”

“Wouldn’t have us any other way. We wouldn’t really be us if that was the case.”

Helena sighed, “That’s far too true. I love you…I’m sorry that you didn’t get a good one of those earlier.”

“It’s ok, I get it. I do appreciate this one though, and I love you too.”

“We should probably start thinking about sleep.”

“Probably. Speaking of which,” Myka pulled her phone away from her ear to look at the time, “Isn’t it like three in the morning where you are?”

“It is…”

“How on earth have you pulled this phone call off on the bus?”

“None of us are really using the room in the back of the bus for sleeping. It’s not really fair for one of us to get a room if the rest of us can’t have it, so we’d given it to Kelly. She was kind enough to take my bunk for the night, and let me use it. She had somewhat gathered I’d had a long day.”

Myka chuckled, “That woman is something else.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Helena sighed, “I wish I was going to bed _with you_ tonight.”

“Who says you can’t?”

“Umm, time zones, tour buses, the list is a bit endless on that front darling.”

“Mere inconveniences. Hang up the phone, Swagger.”

“What? Myka…”

“Just hang up the phone.”

Helena gave a small huff of indignation before disconnecting. Myka immediately clicked over to FaceTime and called her back. When Helena’s face popped up on the screen she was giving Myka an incredulous, albeit adoring look, “You think you’re quite smart don’t you darling?”

Myka grinned, “Yes, I do. Ok, you, me, bed.” Myka laid the phone down for a few quick seconds, making sure that she had properly doused the fire, before trekking upstairs. When she fell into bed she propped her phone up on Helena’s pillows and gave her a teasing grin, “See? Bed.”

Helena shook her head, though she couldn’t keep the smile off of her face, “You’re crazy.”

“A well-established fact by now. I mean I’ll readily admit it’s not the same, but it is something, having you kind of where you’re supposed to be.”

“I miss our bed,” Helena sighed.

“I miss you _in_ our bed,” Myka gave a small wiggle of her eyebrows.

“Oh Myka Bering, you nerdy, little flirt.”

“You love it,” Myka winked.

“I do, and I love you, and we should sleep.”

“I know. Just…” Myka’s voice died a way slightly, “just don’t hang up until I fall asleep ok?”

Helena’s face softened, watching as Myka’s eyes pleaded with her over the phone for this one thing, “Of course love. Close your eyes. I’ll be here.”

“Thank you.” Myka hesitantly closed her eyes, trying to imagine that Helena was actually there next to her and not dozens of states and thousands of miles away. She sighed sleepily, “I love you Swagger.”

Helena’s voice rang through her ears as she drifted off, “I love you too Sleepy. Sweet dreams.”

**

_Milwaukee, WI, “Wonder Found” Tour, late July 2012_

Claudia thumbed through the stack of journals lying helter skelter across one of the tables near the front of the bus in their odd combination of living space slash kitchen. She cocked her head to the side, giving them an appraising look, before picking them all up and dropping them with a loud thud against the table, sending them spilling across the surface. 

Pete jerked forward from where he was sprawled on one of the couch-like benches, his comic book sliding to the floor, “Jesus, Claud, a _little_ warning.”

Claudia gave him a mocking grin, flicking him off in the process, but otherwise ignoring him and looking across the table to H.G. who was completely nonplussed by everything going on around her. Her head was buried over another journal, one ear distracted by a headphone, her free hand tapping out a driving rhythm against the table. It was only when Claudia reached across the table and tapped a finger against her hand that she looked up, eyes a little glazed over.

Claudia spread her hands over the table, “Will you look at this? We have a problem.”

Helena’s eyebrows furrowed as she pulled her headphone out of her ear, “We have a problem?” She glanced around the room, “Not enough table space?”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “ _Yes_ , precisely…though…” Claudia eyed the space around them, “now that you mention it, we have no fucking room to eat in here anymore. We might have lost control over all of our belongings. Look at this bus…”

Helena arched an eyebrow, pursing her lips slightly as she shot a not-so-subtle glance to Pete. Pete turned his head, attention being drawn by the intensity of Helena’s stare which was suddenly accompanied by Claudia’s. He frowned, “What? I’m just sitting here minding my own business and you two are staring daggers at me. _Steve!_ I may be in need of assistance out here.”

“You’re on your own pal!” Steve’s voice called from the rear of the bus, with a teasing lilt, “I at least put my clothes away.”

“Which we appreciate Steven!” Helena called out. She shot Pete a quick wink, “We’ll get back to you later, Peter.” She turned back to Claudia, “You mentioned we have a problem, which seems to be something _other_ than our slowly disappearing living space.”

“Well, yeah, but I meant it more like,” Claudia gestured again to the journals, “you and I have a serious writing problem, as in like, damn, how did we miss the fact that these journals seem to have multiplied of their own accord?”

Helena grinned, “I prefer to see it as a healthy work ethic, maybe even a light obsession, but I’d hardly call it a _problem_.”

“It’ll be a problem when we are neck deep in journals. Maybe that’s the solution to our _other_ problem though. Maybe we just amass so many journals that we bury all of Pete’s clothes so that he can’t find them.”

“You do realize that I’d be naked then, right?” Pete chimed in, eyes never straying from his now retrieved from the floor comic book.

Claudia shuddered, “Oh God…no, make it stop, images, uncontrollable images.”

Helena chuckled warmly, “You walked right into that on your own. Those images are your own bloody fault and I do not appreciate them now being in my head as well.”

“Oh you two love me,” Pete shot out.

“Not enough for these images Peter, not in a million years.” Helena gave Claudia a coy look, “Would you like to see something that might further prove your ‘problem’ theory?”

“Sure?” Claudia gave her a skeptical look.

Helena retreated towards the rear of the bus, pulling a small bag out from amongst her things where they were scattered under Claudia and her bunk space. She walked back to the front of the bus and dropped the bag in Claudia’s lap, eliciting a small “oompf” noise from the back of her throat. Claudia’s head dipped into the bag, only to turn back up towards Helena with wide eyes, “What the hell are these?” She pulled out another stack of journals.

Helena’s cheeks tinged a light shade of pink, “Those are the journals that Myka and I have filled this summer.”

“Holy shit…” Claudia flipped through them, before turning a wary eye to Helena, “Do I really want to look at these? They aren’t like completely filled with sappy love songs or _other_ kind of songs that will _also_ elicit images I don’t care to have are they?”

“Oh Claudia, you know I keep _that_ journal to myself,” Helena winked.

Claudia groaned, “Again I say, _oh God_.”

“I’m inclined to agree on that Claud, though I’d also like to add a hell yeah ya do, to that statement H.G.” Pete held up a hand to Helena demanding a high five which she begrudgingly returned. He gave her a hesitant look, “Don’t tell Mykes I said that.”

“I would never, as I think somehow I’d rather end up in trouble in that scenario as well. Anyway,” Helena returned her attention once again to Claudia, “you may be right…we have a problem, or it may just be that we need to find some other activities to occupy ourselves with, because you are right, this is rather ridiculous.”

“ _Rather ridiculous?_ We have enough material here for like five albums. It’s more than ridiculous.”

“You do make it sound like a bad thing, darling. I don’t quite see it that way.”

“No, no, it’s not, but we are _crazy_ , and it is going to take _forever_ to figure out exactly how to winnow these down for another album.”

“Well,” Helena pulled one of the journals towards her, “I think we’ve found a new activity to keep us occupied. Can’t hurt to start planning early can it?”

Claudia gave a small squeal and peeked into one of the journals Helena had placed in her lap, “No way, let’s do this!”

**

_St. Paul, MN, “Wonder Found” Tour, late July 2012_

It took every ounce of energy Helena had left in her body to not simply run off stage and pretend like the entire night hadn’t happened. She could feel it in the way that Claudia gripped her hand as they took one last bow before a seemingly happy audience that she was not alone in that sentiment. They did what they were supposed to, they smiled, they waved, Pete tossed a couple of extra drumsticks to the crowd, Claudia flung the few remaining picks that she hadn’t broken out into the audience, before they made a quiet retreat into the wings. 

It was only as they were greeted by Kelly, who looked frazzled, confused, and on the brink of her own form of anger that the dam broke. Helena tugged her monitors out of her ears and flung them off of her shoulders, letting them drop and slap against the floor, where they now dangled precariously from her fingertips, “How on earth has this happened _two_ nights in a row?”

Kelly let out a strangled scream of frustration, before peeling off a long string of Spanish which none of them understood, though they were all fairly certain they didn’t want to. Finally, she took a deep breath, “I don’t know. Trust me, by tomorrow, fuck _by tonight_ , the sound guys will have it figured out, because this is unacceptable.”

“I couldn’t hear a bloody thing, Kelly. I can’t even imagine how I sounded,” Helena raked a hand through her hair, tugging it out of its ponytail.

“That makes two of us,” Claudia shouted over her shoulder from the corner where she was arranging her guitars back into order so they could be loaded onto the bus quickly.

Kelly held up her hands, gripping the air with a look of desperation, “I don’t know if it’s the monitors, or if it’s something with the board, or what, but trust me, this will not happen on Tuesday. If it does…well…the break is going to be spent finding some different crew guys, because this should not have happened twice, and I am insanely sorry you guys.”

Steve reached out a hand and squeezed Kelly’s shoulder, “It’s not your fault, Kel. It’s not like any of us blame you.”

Kelly rolled her eyes, “It might not be my _fault_ , but it sure as hell is my responsibility, so whether or not you guys blame me or not, trust me, I blame myself. Ok,” her eyes strayed to her phone, flicking across the screen quickly, “I have to go do some significant _yelling_ , however, I will say one thing.” Her face softened, seeking to make eye contact with each of them in turn before speaking, “Regardless of the insanity that you all knew was happening, that crowd had no idea. You guys held it together perfectly. I know it felt off, but trust me when I tell you, you sounded just as solid and incredible as you have all summer.” Helena gave a small grunt of disagreement, which Kelly leveled with a heated look, “I’m serious, H.G. You did. You sounded great. I’m sure you didn’t hear that in your head, but I need you to trust me on this. Don’t let this shake up the momentum you guys have had. Things are going so well, and they _still are_. This is one hiccup, that believe me, no one other than the people involved noticed.”

They all gave her small nods of assent, though Helena’s insides were still roiling with frustration and embarrassment for what she was sure was an awful performance on her part. Kelly reached out and took Helena’s hand, ducking her head to meet her eyes. Kelly gave her a reassuring smile, “Hey, Rock Star, trust me…you sounded _remarkable_. I will get you the recording. You couldn’t tell at all that you were having issues. If anything, tonight should prove to you a thousand times over just how ridiculous that voice of yours is because it held its own under some really shitty circumstances.”

Helena’s lips twitched in a barely present smile, “Thank you, Kelly.”

Kelly gave her hand another squeeze, “Anytime. Alright, you all need to go get some sleep. Bus rolls out in an hour. You guys have a couple of interviews in St. Louis tomorrow morning when we get in, but then after that the rest of the day is yours. It’ll be good to have tomorrow night off. You guys can relax, breathe a bit, and I will make absolutely sure that everything is ready for the next show.”

They all gave her slow, though appreciative nods, before heading in their separate directions to get whatever they needed out of their dressing rooms in order to be on the bus, ready to leave, on time.

Helena’s head thudded back against her dressing room door the second that it was closed. The bubble of anger, frustration, and humiliation that had been growing in her stomach all night felt close to bursting, and that only served to make her feel worse. She could feel tears starting to prick at the back of her eyes. She slammed a hand back against the door, willing herself to hold it together. She knew it wasn’t her fault, she knew it wasn’t Kelly’s fault, in reality it probably wasn’t anyone’s fault, not completely, but being on the stage feeling completely untethered and out of control made her feel like a fool. She sucked in a deep breath and surged off of the door, extracting her phone from the table where she’d left it mere hours before, left it there with Myka’s words ringing in her ears that tonight would be better. She let out a small, bitter laugh, better certainly was not the word Helena would have used to describe tonight.

Helena collapsed onto the couch, arm falling across her eyes, as she waited for Myka to pick up. After two rings, Myka’s voice was filtering into her ears, “Hey Sweets,” and in those few mere seconds Helena could already feel some of the tension that had been resting in her muscles ebb.

“Hello my love,” Helena’s voice was a defeated, beleaguered sigh.

“Well that tone certainly doesn’t sound encouraging.”

Helena could hear the slight tease in Myka’s voice, could imagine the small, quirked smile most likely on her face, could picture her lip probably curling under her teeth the second she’d finished speaking. It was something to hold onto in the midst of the evening’s utter failure. She let out a small sigh, “This is my ‘I hate sound technology’ tone.”

“Oh no fucking way. _Again?_ ”

Helena couldn’t stop a small trickle of laughter from bubbling up at Myka’s tone, “Oh my love, at least I have you this evening to make me feel slightly better. Yes, _again_. Another lovely evening not being able to hear a damn thing in my monitors, nor could Claudia. It was _wildly_ exciting.”

“That is ridiculous. Completely ridiculous and unacceptable. Holy shit,” Myka let out a puff of incredulous laughter, “I cannot even imagine how pissed Kelly is.”

“Hell hath no fury like that woman when her staff doesn’t do their jobs.”

“I would so not want to be the people on the receiving end of her frustration tonight.”

“No, neither would I. She made it fairly clear that they would be solving the problem tonight. If they don’t, she simply may not let them enter St. Louis’ city limits.”

Myka gave an incredulous sigh, “Well, I can’t say that I blame her. This type of thing should not happen, not in the middle of a tour. This is first week of tour stuff. At this point, all of this should happen with people’s eyes closed.”

“I know…” Helena barely whispered out.

“How are you Swagger? Are you ok?” Myka’s tone shifted, concern immediately creeping in. Helena could practically feel her worry seeping through the phone.

Helena groaned, “I don’t know. Yes? No? I truly have no bloody clue. The feeling of being out there and completely out of control and not being able to do anything about it is just about the worst feeling imaginable. I had no way of knowing my timing or if I needed to adjust anything. It was _awful_ and exhausting. I mean how can you enjoy a show when you’re constantly wondering, ‘do I sound like complete shit?’” 

“I’m sure you didn’t, though I can imagine that doesn’t help much.”

“Kelly told me it sounded just as good as usual, said she would give me the recording to prove it, but regardless…”

“It doesn’t change how the last two hours have felt.”

“Exactly. Thank you for that…for so completely understanding that.”

“Hey, Swagger, I get it. I’ve been there, and I know how awful that feeling is, like you’re expecting the audience to start booing or just walk out because you have no idea if you sound even remotely like yourself.”

“It’s completely disorienting and having to do it two shows in a row has just completely sapped me of all my energy.”

“I can imagine. At least you’ve got a long bus ride ahead, plenty of time to sleep.”

“That’s true.” Helena was caught up short by a wave of surprised laughter, “God, if you would have told me at the beginning of the summer that the prospect of eight hours of sleep on our bus would sound like _heaven_ , I would have told you that you were crazy.”

“The bus grows on you. God, I remember after one tour, I had trouble sleeping when we got back because I didn’t have the sound of the tires to lull me to sleep.”

Helena grinned, she found a strange kind of indescribable comfort when Myka talked about her life on the road. It helped Helena to know how well Myka simply _understood_ the life she was leading at the moment. She chuckled softly, “Us and our rock star lifestyles.”

“Oh yeah, absolutely. My rock star lifestyle currently includes being curled up in bed, reading my book with a glass of wine.”

“Do not spill that wine on my comforter Myka Bering.”

“ _Your_ comforter, huh? The last time I checked, this comforter lived in my apartment first.”

“Yes, but I demanded we keep it, therefore, _mine_.”

Myka laughed, “I shall try my best to not sully the state of _your_ comforter.”

“It is appreciated darling.” She sighed, eyes stealing around her dressing room to all the things she needed to pack up, “I should probably go, love. I need to get some things around before we get on the road. God knows I do not need to be late and raise Kelly’s blood pressure more.”

“Probably a good call. Get some sleep Swagger, travel safe and call me in the morning.”

“I shall my love. Sleep tight. _No wine spilling_.”

Myka’s laughter was warm as it came through the phone, filling Helena with a newfound lightness after the stress of the evening, “I’ll see what I can do. Love you.”

“Love you too. Good night.”

**

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, late July 2012_

Myka hadn’t even put her phone back on her nightstand when it rang again. She looked at the caller id and couldn’t help the look of surprise that she gave her phone, because, well, this wasn’t usually the person calling her this late, and suddenly she felt a pang of worry that something was wrong. That thought alone was enough to make her answer hastily, “Amanda?”

Amanda didn’t even bother with a greeting, “Have you talked to H.G.?”

Myka’s worry ebbed, barely, “Yeah, I just got off the phone with her actually.”

“It sounds like it was really bad…again.”

“I know. I think I talked Helena off the ledge, for the most part, but she was pretty upset. How was Pete?”

Amanda let out a long sigh, “He was…really pissed and he’s tired, like unbelievably tired. He sounded completely drained.”

Myka’s worry ticked back up a notch, wondering if this was why Amanda was calling so late, “Amanda, are you worried? Like _Pete_ worried?”

“No…I mean, I don’t think so. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to gauge that sort of thing over the phone, but no, he seems ok on that front. Still…”

“Still there’s a reason you’re calling me…”

“How do you feel about St. Louis?”

Myka let out a small chuckle, “Uh, it’s alright…”

“Yes, because I’m obviously calling for Trip Advisor commentary on what a lovely city it is. Can you please hear what I’m asking you?” 

Myka couldn’t contain her laughter, “Wow…apparently this is why I don’t usually talk to you past your bedtime…feisty.”

Amanda groaned, “I’m hanging up the phone…”

“No, no, ok, clearly a serious question. Are you suggesting a road trip?”

“She understands! And I ask again, how do you feel about St. Louis?”

Myka did a few, quick mental calculations, trying to envision her schedule for the week, to figure out if what Amanda was suggesting was even remotely possible without causing a lot of problems. A smile bloomed across her face, “I think St. Louis is fucking fantastic.”

“There’s the answer I was looking for. You can get out of work?”

“It shouldn’t be a problem. I’m relatively free of meetings this week. The store is covered by the rest of the staff. I would just have to be back by the end of the week for a recording session. What about you though? You aren’t exactly the bail on work last minute type.”

Amanda gave a worried, though determined sigh, “I know, but I have a couple of favors I can call in, _and_ I just really feel like they could use this. Pete had that tone, Myka.”

“The defeated, we suck tone?”

“Precisely. After two shitty shows, don’t you think it could help for them to know they have a little bit of morale support in the audience?”

“It probably really could. Alright, I’m in. What exactly is your plan here though?”

Amanda’s laughter was light, “No idea.”

Myka shook her head around her own laughter, “Of course. Excellent. Ok…St. Louis. Do you even know how long it will take us to get there? Because plane tickets would probably be ridiculous last minute.”

Myka could hear the quick sound of Amanda’s fingers against her computer keys, “Twelve hours.”

Myka exhaled slowly, “Ok, that’s not as bad as I thought. So…the show isn’t until Tuesday. Should we leave tomorrow or Tuesday?”

“It’s going to take me a little bit of maneuvering to figure out work, favors or not. Why don’t we plan on leaving ridiculously early Tuesday? Like middle of the night early? We can take turns driving, sleep in shifts?”

Myka chuckled, “This is insane, but you know what? Why the hell not?”

“Should we tell them we’re coming?”

“It seems like it would defeat the purpose of a surprise, but at the same time…”

“It might not hurt to give them a heads up? Maybe not until we’re on the road? Or should we just tell them?”

“We’re over-thinking this. You realize that right? You realize that a month ago, I literally bought a plane ticket the night before and went to Florida with absolutely no plan in mind right?”

“I need a plan. Deal with it,” Amanda teased.

“We can plan, no problem. Why don’t we give them a heads up when we’re on our way, that way we don’t just show up and throw things into total chaos a few hours before a show?”

“Sounds good.”

Myka bit her lip, “Two surprise visits in a month. Does that make me pathetic?”

Amanda groaned, “ _No_. It makes you the disgustingly in love person you are, that we _both_ are. Which probably sounds pathetic, but you know what? I don’t care. We’re doing this.”

Myka chuckled, “Apparently.”

“Want to have lunch tomorrow that way we can make sure we’re good to go?”

Myka wanted to sigh, to tease Amanda for such an intense need to plan this all out, but she kept it in check, “Yeah, just text me when and where tomorrow. I’ll see you then.”

They hung up and Myka finally settled in for sleep, though she wondered if she actually would be able to sleep. Her stomach had immediately filled with butterflies at the thought of seeing Helena two weeks earlier than planned. She rolled her eyes at herself with a small groan, mumbling into her pillow, “Pathetically in love indeed.”

**

Barely forty-eight hours later, Myka and Amanda found themselves tucked into a corner booth of what Myka was certain was the smallest diner she had ever seen, in what was most likely the smallest town she’d _ever_ been in, in her life. She choked back a yawn, eyes unable to keep from squinting at the vigorous sunlight streaming through the windows of the restaurant and slanting across their table with an obnoxious determination to remind her that she needed to not be tired. Absent-mindedly, she debated flipping her sunglasses back down from the top of her head and simply sleeping through breakfast. At this point, she was almost certain that sleep sounded much better than food. She bit back another yawn, and shot a small, frustrated grimace at Amanda, “Remind me why we thought driving through the night was smart?”

Amanda’s head was nestled against her forearms where they were crossed atop the table, making her voice came out muffled, “Because for one, last minute plane tickets are expensive, and because for two, we are idiots.”

Myka tipped her head back against the booth with a small groan, “I don’t think that made any sense, but yes…idiots…agreed.”

Amanda adjusted her arm to point a finger in what she thought was Myka’s direction, though she had no desire to actually lift her head to be sure, “ _In love_ idiots.”

Myka let out a half-hearted chuckle, “Right…exactly. Keep reminding me of that, because my body keeps reminding me that I was awake at three a.m. and I’m pretty sure every fiber of my being hates me right now.”

A light-hearted waft of laughter floated across their table, “Coffee, ladies?”

Myka’s gaze met their waitress’ with a half-hearted, albeit embarrassed smile. She looked towards Amanda who still hadn’t moved from her head-down position on the table. She let out a small laugh, lip curling under her teeth, once again meeting their waitress’ eyes, which were dancing with bright-eyed, _morning person_ , amusement, “Coffee would be perfect. Thank you.”

The waitress’ lips quirked in a teasing grin as she raised one eyebrow, “Should I just bring you the whole pot?”

“Oh God, that would be amazing,” Amanda’s voice filtered out from the crook of her arm.

“I feel the need to point out this is your fault Amanda,” Myka’s comment was directed to the top of Amanda’s head, before turning back to their still very much amused waitress. Myka rolled her eyes, “Sorry…we’ve been driving all night…I feel like I should just apologize in advance for whatever we say over the course of the next forty-five minutes.”

The waitress shot her a quick wink, “Not a problem. I’ll get your coffee.” She grinned and pointed her pencil at Amanda’s head, “Clearly decaf for her, right?” Amanda’s head shot up, eyes wide with panic which resulted in more bright, lilting laughter from the waitress. She gave Myka a sly grin, “I figured that would get her to move.” She tapped her pencil against Amanda’s hand, “I’ll be right back, and darlin’, I think your phone is ringing.” Her eyes drifted towards where Amanda’s phone was vibrating by her elbow and then turned quickly away towards the counter.

Amanda glanced at her phone, then turned and gave Myka a slightly giddy grin, “It’s Pete.”

“He’s up this early?” Myka gave her a skeptical glance.

“He’s been getting up early to workout.” Amanda made a fruitless attempt to erase the exhaustion from her face, swiping her fingers underneath her eyes, and giving her shoulders a small shake. She took a deep breath, trying to keep her excitement from showing too clearly as she answered Pete’s FaceTime request, “Hey babe.”

Myka heard Pete’s voice filter through the phone, “Good morning wife of mine. How are ya?”

“Good…a bit tired.”

“I hear ya…I’m actually surprised you’re up and around. I figured I’d catch you just getting up…” There was a pause, and Amanda gave Myka a surreptitious glance that told her that it was starting to sink in to Pete that something wasn’t quite right. When his voice came back through, it sounded skeptical, “Actually, why are you up this early?”

Myka watched as Amanda fought to hide a grin, “Myka and I decided to grab breakfast this morning.”

Myka had to put a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter as Pete’s voice came back through, with less skepticism and more excitement, “Mykes is with you?”

“She is.” 

Amanda beckoned Myka to her side of the booth. Myka slid in next to her and gave Pete a wide grin, “Hi Pete.”

Pete had his arm tucked under his head, still reclined in bed, “Hey Mykes…you guys are rockin’ the early morning pretty hard. I’m kind of surprised.”

Myka shrugged, “We figured we’d give normal people hours a try for once.”

Their waitress returned and deposited two large mugs of coffee in front of them, “There you are ladies.” She gave them a teasing smile as she settled the pot in the middle of the table, “And I’m just going to leave this here for you.”

They both gave her a grateful smile, but Pete, who was clearly more awake than either of them, picked up on the slight hitch in the woman’s voice, the distinct, very much _not from Colorado_ accent. He gave them both a weird look, “Where the hell are you guys? Because your waitress sounds like you’re somewhere near Texas.”

Their waitress gave them an inquisitive glance, then reached out and turned Amanda’s phone towards her, offering Pete a wide grin, “You’re not far off young man. I _am_ from Texas, but your ladies here are in the lovely town of Hedville, Kansas.”

“Kansas?” Pete’s voice came out as a shout, causing Amanda to grimace as faces from all around the restaurant turned towards them. 

Amanda gave the waitress an apologetic smile, but the waitress simply laughed and patted Myka’s shoulder, “Clearly…you ladies have a conversation ahead of you. I’ll leave you to it.”

They both tamped down their laughter and turned back to Pete. Myka held up a finger to him, “Hold on a sec.” She reached across the table for her purse, rummaging through it until she found an old pair of headphones, a tangled up mess at the bottom of her purse. She quickly untied them and handed one of the buds to Amanda, while she popped the other one in her ear. 

Amanda plugged them into the jack and then returned her attention to Pete, lowering her voice, “So…we’re in Kansas.”

Pete gave them a half-giddy, half-incredulous smile, “You have to be kidding.”

Myka shrugged, “We wanted breakfast.”

Pete playfully rolled his eyes, “Yeah, because you couldn’t get that in Colorado. C’mon…are you guys seriously on your way out here?”

Amanda gave him a softened grin, “We are, babe. We figured you guys could use some friendly faces in the crowd tonight.”

“Holy shit.” A wide grin broke across Pete’s face and then the picture was jiggling all over the place, and they could hear the distinct thud of feet hitting the floor. For a moment, the screen simply showed Myka and Amanda the floor of the tour bus, as they heard the sound of a curtain being pushed back and Pete’s voice coming back through, though from a distance, “H.G.! Wake up!”

“Oh God…that’s not going to go well,” Myka chuckled.

Their view quickly adjusted, as Pete lifted his phone back up to eye level, so that they could see him nudging against Helena’s shoulder where she was still, very much huddled under her blankets. The phone jostled as Pete’s nudging became more of a vigorous poking at her shoulder, “H.G. you _need_ to get up.”

Helena’s voice came out agitated and riddled with sleep, her eyes remaining defiantly closed, “Peter, I will kill you.”

“You can kill me later. You need to see what’s on my phone.”

“Peter, I do not care one bloody ounce for what is on your phone. Get the _hell_ away from my bed.”

Pete’s face returned to the screen, a helpless, playful look on his face, “Help me out here, Mykes.”

Myka shook her head, biting back her laughter; she would, _eventually_ , pay for this. Reasons not withstanding, Helena was not one to be unduly awoken. She gave Pete a small smile, “Turn your phone around Pete.” He gave her a quick nod and adjusted the screen so that Myka and Amanda could only see Helena’s sleeping form. Myka grinned, Helena was going to kill her, she would adore her, but she would absolutely kill her, “Swagger…Helena, you might want to listen to Pete.”

The response was instantaneous, Helena’s eyes flew open, though they squinted immediately at the glare of the screen’s brightness. Her face scrunched in a look of confusion, “Myka?”

Pete’s voice came back through and Myka wondered if he was actually _bouncing_ against Helena’s bed, “Ask them where they are, H.G.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I have no idea what’s going on, however, apparently it is for good reason, or at least it better be.” She shot Pete a sidelong glare, before returning her gaze to Myka, “Where are you, love?”

“Well, _we_ ,” she turned the phone so that Helena could see both her and Amanda, “are in Kansas.”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “Kansas?”

“They’re in _Kansas_ , H.G.!” 

Myka could see the wheels turning in Helena’s slowly awakening brain, “You’re in Kansas?” Myka and Amanda gave her matching, excited nods. Awareness dawned in Helena’s eyes, her tone changing to match Pete’s incredulous excitement, “You’re coming to St. Louis?”

Myka gave her a crooked smile, “We are.”

Pete’s face reemerged in the shot, his face smashed against Helena’s, “They’re coming to see us.”

Helena’s mouth opened and closed multiple times before she spoke again, “I honestly am not sure whether I am actually awake or if this is some kind of weird, very realistic dream.”

“Not a dream Sweets. We should be there,” Myka glanced down to check her watch, “in about six hours.”

Amanda gave Helena a tiny, teasing grin, “Worth the wake up call?”

Helena beamed, “Definitely.”

“Please don’t kill my husband…at least not until _after_ I’ve seen him for a few minutes this afternoon.”

“I’ll try my best. It would seem like poor repayment for your road trip efforts if I simply eliminated your reason for visiting,” Helena winked.

“I appreciate that. Ok,” Amanda glanced around the diner, watching their waitress filtering between tables which were extremely busy for a random summer Tuesday morning, “we should go, so we can eat, and actually get back on the road.”

Pete gave her a thumbs up, “Good deal. Call us later. Keep us updated! Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m going to see you in a few hours.” Pete’s face fell into a happy, contented, dazed sort of look.

Amanda flashed him a bright smile, “Me neither. I love you babe.”

“Love you too ‘Mands. Drive safe, you two. Oh and Mykes, I do love you too,” he gave her a silly grin.

Myka rolled her eyes, “Right back at ya. Helena, _go back to sleep_. I’ll call you later, I love you.”

“I love you too darling, and because of that there is no way I’m going to be able to get back to sleep.”

“Try. I don’t want you sleep-deprived and cranky,” Myka teased.

Helena grinned, “I’ll see what I can do. Be careful. We’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye guys,” Pete’s face took up the screen as he waved animatedly.

The call disconnected and Myka and Amanda fell into a small fit of excited laughter. Amanda eventually rested her head against Myka’s shoulder, “They seem excited.”

Myka chuckled, “I’m not sure excited covers it.”

“That woke me up better than coffee.”

“Same, however, I’m not going to let this entire pot go to waste either.”

As Myka reached for the coffee pot, their waitress returned to the table with a sly smile on her face. She arched an eyebrow at them, “Sounds like you gals have been causing a little trouble this morning.”

Amanda gave her an exaggerated look of innocence, hand clutched to her chest, putting on an affected tone, “Who? Us? Never.”

“Uh huh. Sounds like that boy on the phone was pretty shocked by where you girls were.” She gave them a secretive smile, “Are you going to surprise him?”

Myka gave her a tiny grin, “Something like that, although she,” she nodded towards Amanda, “is a bit more excited to see him, seeing as she’s his wife.”

“Ah…so a romantic road trip. Well…at least for one of you.” She gave Myka a small, pained expression.

Amanda was quick to pipe up, “Oh trust me, she has someone of her own to surprise, don’t you worry there.”

Their waitress chuckled and tapped her pencil against Myka’s hand, “No ring on that finger yet, girly.”

“ _Not yet_ ,” Amanda mumbled with a tiny smirk.

Myka rubbed a hand against the back of her neck, feeling a blush creeping into her cheeks, “Ok, so I think I’m ready for my breakfast.”

Their waitress let out a full, bright laugh, “Oh honey…we’re only teasing, at least _I_ am, I have no idea what your friend there is doing, but still…what will you have?” She gave Myka another quick wink and took out her notebook for their orders.

Breakfast passed quickly, with only a few more passing comments between all of them. The coffee had started to supply the proper amount of buzz in Myka’s veins to make her feel confident that she could handle the next leg of the drive, which she realized was probably a good thing, since Amanda appeared to be fighting dozing off at the table. As they went to pay their bill at the counter, their waitress waved them off, “Taken care of, you girls just get back on the road and be careful.”

“No, no you have to let us pay,” Myka insisted.

Their waitress leveled her with a look, “I don’t and I won’t. Get out of here. Get out of here, go surprise those honeys of yours, and,” she tilted her head towards Amanda, “keep that one out from behind the wheel for a bit. I don’t think my coffee did much good.”

Myka chuckled and slung an arm around Amanda’s drooping shoulders, “She deserves the sleep. Her husband is a bouncing ball of energy, she’s going to need all the rest she can get to deal with him once we get where we’re going.”

“Well, just drive safe. Stop back in on your way home if you pass through again.”

Myka gave her a small smile, “Thank you. I have a feeling we will.”

When they were back inside the car, Amanda said, almost casually, “You realize she knew who you were right?”

“What?” Myka’s eyes were wide, incredulous, “No, she didn’t.”

Amanda just shot her a arched eyebrow and returned her attention to her phone, “When you went to the bathroom, she asked me if her assumptions were correct. She thought she recognized you…”

“Is that why she gave us our breakfast free?” 

Amanda chuckled, “Probably. Apparently, she was quite a fan of yours…said she had all your albums.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Well, she certainly hid that well.”

Amanda shrugged, “She said she figured you didn’t need the attention, but that she did think you and H.G. were, I believe her word was, adorable.”

“God…” Myka shook her head with a small laugh, “even in the middle of nowhere Kansas…”

“I swear it’s like you forget that you’re famous.”

“I’m not.”

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that dearest. You live in all the denial you want.”

“Ok I’m driving now, and you’re going to take a nap.”

Amanda chuckled, “Whatever you say…it’s not like it’s a _bad_ thing though.”

Myka sighed, as she pulled out into traffic, “I know. It’s just…weird. Since I have so much distance from it, since I’ve kind of chosen to forget that whole _aspect_ of it, I forget that for other people it’s still such a _thing_. It seems weird to me that people still care…I don’t know, that probably doesn’t make much sense.”

Amanda glanced over at her. It had been so long since they’d talked about this, about any of it. Usually, Myka shut down whenever conversations veered in this direction, and Amanda knew it was because she was trying to move on, but still, there were so many things, so many lingering, residual after effects, even after so much time, that she wondered sometimes how Myka kept it all in. She reached a hand over and squeezed Myka’s knee, “It does make sense. I mean honestly? At the Grammys, when everyone was trying to get your attention, I kept having these moments like, ‘why are they shouting at Myka?’ and then it would hit me, because _of course_ they were shouting for you. I think in some ways I’ve forgotten some of it too.”

“It was always such a weird thing, and it still is, that people _care_ , that they want to know. I don’t know. I feel like I’m just _me_ , there’s not really a lot of excitement there.”

Amanda bit the inside of her cheek, eyes straying out the window as she wondered if she should give voice to the question that was pricking at the back of her mind. She shrugged, she had never been shy about just saying what she thought, especially to Myka, “There’s excitement there now though, not that it ever _really_ went away, people were always interested, but they were willing to give you space. Now though, with you and H.G? That fame machine is only going to ratchet up more. Does that bug you?”

Myka considered the question for a moment, wanting to give Amanda an honest answer. Her mind filtered through all the possible answers, but one image kept shining brighter than any of the others, and that was Helena. She gave Amanda a quick look with a soft smile, “In the beginning, before anything had happened with Helena and I, but when it seemed like something _would_ , or at least _could_ , it did make me consider, it kind of held me in check a bit, kept me a bit more hesitant to move faster, even though I wanted to. I don’t know though…now? Now, I just want her, I want our life together, and if that comes with publicity and attention, well…it’s worth it if it means being with her. And who knows, maybe it’s because I’m older and know how to deal with it more, maybe it’s because Helena already seems so much better at handling all this than Sam was, maybe it’s simply that I’m finally with the person I’m supposed to be with, but it just…it doesn’t seem like it’s as big of a hurdle anymore.”

“I can honestly say I’m not sure I ever expected you to say something like that.”

Myka chuckled, “Me neither, but…well…Helena has a way of flipping all of your expectations on their heads.”

“Begs the question…begs the question our waitress asked…no ring on that finger…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “We’ve only been together a year and a half, Amanda.”

“Are you telling me you wouldn’t marry her right this second if she asked?”

Myka’s lip curled under her teeth, “You know I would.”

“I rest my case, and before you try to get in the last word, I’m also going to rest my eyes, because fuck, I am still tired.”

Myka slapped a hand against Amanda’s thigh, “That’s cheating.”

“Tough. Conversation is over. Drive on dearest.”

**

Myka’s mind was still circling around her and Amanda’s conversation when her phone rang. As she got a quick look at Helena’s picture on her screen, she couldn’t stop the smile that overtook her face. She would absolutely, hands down, unquestionably marry this woman, immediately, without a single doubt in her mind. If she was honest, it was what she wanted, but she knew they needed time, time to make sure they survived the summer, time to make sure that they knew how to handle the fame and the attention, despite the fact that Myka didn’t truly care, as she had told Amanda. They’d get there. Myka knew without a doubt that they would, but for now, for now they were enough, just as they were, nothing more, nothing less. She slid her finger across the screen, glancing over to see Amanda still sleeping, she answered quietly, “Hey there my tired girl.”

Helena’s laughter came through the phone, light and lilting, “I assure you I _did_ try and sleep.”

Myka couldn’t help her smile, Helena sounded so _happy_ , so _excited_ and it filled Myka with a sense of warmth that spread through her veins. She chuckled softly, “Yeah? How’d that work out for you?”

“Not very well. Though I promise you, I will neither be tired nor cranky when you get here.” There was a small pause and when Helena continued talking her voice sounded a bit smaller, more hesitant, “You are coming, right? Tell me that wasn’t some sort of cruel dream.”

“Not a dream at all Swagger, at least not if the Missouri state line I just crossed has anything to say about it.”

“How long until you’re here?”

“A few more hours.” Myka glanced at the clock on the radio, doing the quick mental calculations, “We should be there around three.”

“We’ll have sound check around 2:30, but we should be done by then, hopefully.”

“If you are, we’ll just wait for you, no big deal.”

“I cannot believe I’m going to see you in four hours.”

“I know,” Myka sighed contentedly. “Good surprise?”

Helena chuckled softly, “Oh darling, the _best_ surprise.”

**

They were about an hour outside of St. Louis when Myka’s phone rang again. She glanced at the caller, and then looked at Amanda, who had taken over driving after her second nap, “It’s Kelly.”

“She’s either calling with instructions or calling to yell at us for causing a massive distraction.”

Myka chuckled, “Either way, I’m putting it on speaker because I don’t want to be yelled at alone and if she has instructions you need to hear them since you’re the one driving us in.” Myka clicked over the call and pressed the speakerphone button, “Hi Kelly.”

“Hey there. So I hear you’re paying all of us a little visit this afternoon.”

Myka shot Amanda a look and Amanda shrugged, Kelly’s tone was hard to read. Myka hedged her tone a bit, “We are…I hope… _we_ hope that’s ok.”

Kelly let out a burst of laughter, “Oh Jesus…it is _more than ok_. Honestly? After the last couple of days, I think this is exactly what they needed. It will be good, having a couple of familiar faces in the crowd. They’ve been nervous after how the last two shows went.”

Myka let out a small sigh of relief, “That’s kind of what we thought too.”

“I was calling because I needed to give you a heads up about how to get in. We’ve had to up security a bit with how big the crowds are getting. How far out are you guys?”

“About an hour, maybe more depending on traffic.”

“Ok. Can you guys call me when you’re like fifteen minutes away? They’ll still be at sound check, but as long as the tech guys have everything in order, _which they should_ , I can sneak out for a few minutes. Call me and I’ll come around to the gate and meet you guys.”

“Where exactly is the gate?” Amanda interjected.

“Oh, hey Amanda, I didn’t realize you were on.”

“I’m driving so Myka figured it’d be good if I knew _where_ I was actually driving to.”

“Good call. Ok, so the gates to the venue should be open by the time you guys get here so that’s no problem. What you’re going to need to do is follow the signs for deliveries. They should be fairly well marked, and they’ll bring you back around near the back of the theater. The entire back of the theater is gated so once you guys get to the first gate, I’ll meet you there, otherwise they won’t let you back. If you have any trouble or you get lost just call me, I should be able to find you.”

Amanda gave Myka a short nod, “Sounds good.”

“Are you guys good watching from backstage tonight? There’s always plenty of room in the wings and it’s a good view, or do you want me to wrangle you some space up front?”

Myka gave Amanda a questioning look to which Amanda just shrugged. Myka returned the gestured, then answered, “Doesn’t matter, whatever is easiest since this is last minute.”

“Honestly? You guys will probably be happier backstage, rather than right up front with all the screamers.”

“That works for us.”

“Alright, then just one last quick thing. They have the day off tomorrow. I figured might as well give them an actual break, small though it might be, during what _is_ technically supposed to be a break, though I’m keeping them around here for publicity. I called the hotel they’re supposed to stay at and booked you guys a couple of rooms, figured I’d save you the hassle of worrying about it, and I figured you guys wouldn’t exactly be desiring to share rooms with Claudia and Steve.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Kelly,” Amanda said.

“It wasn’t a problem.”

“Well, just let us know what we owe you for the rooms or if there’s anything we need to do to work all that out,” Myka interjected.

“No way. The ecstatic grins on all of their faces this morning was payment enough. It’s covered. End of conversation.”

“Well,” Myka rolled her eyes, “ _thank you_. We will absolutely owe you dinner, probably _several_ dinners at the end of the summer for all you’ve done.”

“That sounds good to me. Ok, I need to get back to it, but like I said call me when you’re close and I’ll get you in. Drive safe guys.”

“We will. See you in a bit.” Myka hung up the phone with an incredulous sigh, “She is too much.”

Amanda smiled warmly, “She is, but I’d much rather that she was too much rather than too little. It helps knowing how much she has their backs, watches out for them.”

“That’s very true.”

**

An hour ended up being a generous estimate for how long it took them to get into the city. Between traffic and an accident that had things backed up, they didn’t pull into the arena until after four. Amanda grimaced, “It doesn’t give us much time before the show.”

Myka shrugged, “Some time is better than no time.”

Kelly met them, as promised, making sure that they had everything they needed to maneuver backstage without question. She handed them two lanyards with passes attached, “Just wear those and you’re good. They just finished up sound check. They were a bit more diligent than usual with it, given everything, so I’m pretty sure they’re all in their dressing rooms, I can show you.”

She maneuvered them through the maze of cases and speakers and instruments that cluttered up every inch of available hallway space backstage before turning down a hallway that appeared quieter, less cluttered. There were four doors lining the left hand side. She pointed, “Pete’s the first, H.G.’s the third. I’ll leave you guys to it. I don’t need them for a couple of hours.”

Amanda approached Pete’s door and gave Myka a quick look, “Are you going to say hi?”

“I’ll give you guys a bit. I don’t want to interfere with the ‘holy shit, I haven’t seen you in a month greetings.’ Plus, I kind of have one of my own to get to. Tell him I said hi, and I’ll see you both in a bit.”

Amanda gave Myka’s bicep a small squeeze, “Ok. Tell H.G. the same for me?” 

Myka nodded and kept moving down the hall, hearing a shout of glee come out of Pete’s room, followed by the door swiftly shutting. She let out a small laugh and approached Helena’s door. She debated just going in, but then figured she’d knock. They hadn’t told them they’d gotten in and neither had Kelly. She had stolen away without them knowing during sound check, so even though it wasn’t really a _surprise_ that they were there, it still had that feeling. She rapped a knuckle against the door, warmth and anticipation flooding her system as Helena’s voice filtered through, “Come in.”

She took a deep breath before twisting the knob and poking her head in the door. Helena was sitting at a small vanity across from the door, back turned towards her, though her eyes stole up to see who was coming in the door. Myka gave her a glowing smile, “Hey Swagger.”

Helena let out some odd combination of a laugh and a shout, bounding out of her chair and crossing the room in mere seconds. It was just enough time for Myka to get the door closed behind her, before Helena was falling into her arms, holding her tightly. Myka closed her eyes, wrapped her arms around Helena’s waist, and took in a deep breath, letting her lungs flood with the wave of vanilla that lingered in Helena’s hair. She buried her head against Helena’s neck unsure if she was going to be able to let go.

Eventually, Helena pulled back and Myka was ready to lean forward, finally kiss her hello, but Helena stopped her by slapping lightly at her shoulder, “You didn’t tell me you were here!”

Myka smirked, “We figured it had to be at least a _tiny_ surprise, even though you guys knew we were coming.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Insufferable.”

“Uh huh, I know.” Myka pressed a hand against the small of Helena’s back and whispered, “Just come here.”

Helena let out the tiniest of noises, which Myka couldn’t find the appropriate word for, especially not when Helena’s fingers were pressing at the nape of her neck and drawing her down, pulling her in for a kiss that made Myka’s knees momentarily go weak. Though Myka hated that they were apart, she couldn’t help but admit that she relished these first moments, these first kisses and presses of skin after so much absence. There was something about them that was so visceral, both of them trying to makeup for every ounce of time lost in mere seconds. Helena’s mouth was hungry and warm against hers, pulling all of Myka’s breath from her lungs. Myka didn’t know what it was, but somehow, this kiss was so very different from the one a month ago in that hotel lobby. Maybe it was the fact that they were alone, maybe it was the fact that Helena wasn’t coming off of a day of hell, maybe it was that they hadn’t fought only days before, but this kiss, unlike that one, made an immediate pulse of need course through Myka’s blood, and as Helena’s arms drifted from her neck, fingers wrapping around her hips and pushing her back against the door, Myka realized, with an intoxicating amount of pleasure, that that feeling was very much a mutual one. This time there was no hesitance, no uncertainty, no need to re-find their footing with each other; this time they both knew exactly what they wanted. They wanted each other. Myka tangled her fingers in Helena’s hair, not caring that her lungs were burning for breath, until she had no choice but to care, because she was fairly certain that she needed to keep breathing, in order to keep kissing Helena. She tilted her head back, letting it fall against the door, sucking air back into her lungs. She let out a small ghost of a laugh, “Hello to you too Sweets.”

A blush raced into Helena’s cheeks, tingeing them a deeper shade of pink then they already were, “Hello yourself darling.”

Myka arched an eyebrow at her, letting her fingers dance down her spine, “Miss me?”

Helena rolled her eyes, but gave a soft chuckle, pushing back up on her toes, letting every inch of her body press flush against Myka’s. She whispered against Myka’s lips, “Not at all,” before once again letting their lips fall against each other.

**

Later, despite Helena’s vigorous protests that she didn’t really _need_ to get ready, because she had other _things_ she would rather be doing, Myka found herself curled up on the couch in Helena’s dressing room flipping through a magazine, though admittedly she was paying it scant attention compared to the number of times her eyes kept drifting up and away from it in favor of watching Helena’s reflection in the mirror. Eventually, after at least the tenth instance of Helena catching her in the very obvious act of staring, she shot Myka a quick wink, “You know you could just give up the pretense of reading, and come over here and actually pay attention to me without being sneaky about it.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “If I come over there, you will resume your mission to make yourself woefully unprepared for your show, and I’m sorry, I love you, but I’m not risking Kelly’s wrath, no matter how much I’d enjoy the other options you have in mind for the afternoon.”

Helena hung her head in mock devastation, “I swear…you drive all this way simply to _torment_ me, Myka Bering.”

“Oh yes, you are so very tormented Swagger.”

Helena playfully stuck her tongue out at Myka in the mirror, “I will be if you don’t actually start reading and instead continue looking at me the way you have been for the last half an hour.” She moved her hand to adjust the volume on the radio next to her, letting the music filter through the room a little bit louder, “I’m ignoring you now.”

“Uh huh. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“ _Read_ or I will pursue those other options, Kelly’s wrath be damned.”

Myka chuckled, but determinedly settled her eyes back on the magazine propped against her knees. They remained in comfortable silence, the music from Helena’s pre-show mix filling the quiet around them, until the strains of one particular song started pumping out of the speakers and Myka couldn’t stop her eyes from abandoning her magazine once more, though this time, Helena was adamantly refusing to meet her gaze. Myka bit her lip as her own voice filled the room, her own voice accompanied by the distinct background noise of the ebb and flow of the Regents. It was the song she had sang on the Wednesday night she had told Helena everything. She cleared her throat, “Do I even want to know how you managed to get your hands on a copy of this?”

Helena’s eyes met hers for the briefest of seconds, something like embarrassment sliding across them, “You know Vanessa keeps the tapes from every Wednesday night.”

“How long have you had it?”

“Vanessa gave it to me the very next shift I worked that week.”

Myka gave a low chuckle, “That woman and her meddling.”

“She said she figured I would like a copy.” That hesitant look of fear and embarrassment raced across Helena’s face again, “Are you upset that I have it?”

Myka’s eyes widened and she shook her head quickly, “No, no Swagger not at all. I’m just surprised. Why though…why is _this_ on your show prep playlist?”

“To remind me of just what music can do…for the person singing it…to the audience that’s hearing it. To remind me of the power of the right lyrics. To remind me that when there’s real passion behind what your singing the result is nothing short of miraculous.”

Myka felt a blush rise up in her cheeks, “All of that from this song?”

Helena gave her a heated, steady look, “Yes. That night…it was one of the first times that I felt like I really _saw_ you, Myka, and that was absolutely because of this song, because of everything you put into it. So, in some ways, it’s also on here simply as a wonderful reminder of _you_.”

“Well….” Myka stammered a bit around the frank honesty written all over Helena’s face. She gave her a crooked smile, “I guess I can’t really argue with that. Thank you though for…well…just thank you for that.”

Helena gave her a small smile, “Anytime love.”

The lapsed into another small silence, Myka’s mind completely lost in the moment, in the sound of her own voice, sounding so broken, resounding through the room, in the memories of that night rushing over her in a flash of images. Helena in the snow. Helena’s apartment. The look they had shared before Myka had finished singing. She was drowning in the memories and the only thing that could pull her out of them was Helena’s voice speaking a sentence that caught her so completely off-guard that it shot her immediately back into reality. 

“You should sing with me tonight.” 

Myka’s magazine fluttered from her knees to the floor, as her brain tried to process the few short words Helena had just spoken. Helena hadn’t even turned around in her chair, remaining stock still, faced forward, and the look on her face told Myka that she wasn’t even sure how the words had actually come out of her mouth. Their gaze held for a beat in the mirror until Helena’s eyes broke away, resuming their attention to her makeup and her prep, seemingly wishing to simply ignore that anything had happened in the last ten seconds. Myka unfolded herself from the couch, feet moving of their own volition to go and stand behind Helena, hesitant fingers coming up to rest against Helena’s shoulders. Myka watched as Helena’s eyes closed to the touch, her head bowing in what seemed to be a kind of embarrassed shame. Myka gave her shoulders a small squeeze, “Hey…”

Myka could see Helena’s lips purse into a thin line, her head shaking slowly as she still refused to meet Myka’s eyes. Her voice was so small, so quiet that Myka had to practically lean down to hear her, “I don’t know why I said that. I think I allowed myself to get a bit caught up in the moment.”

Myka moved around Helena’s chair to sit on the edge of Helena’s vanity. She kicked a light foot against Helena’s knee in small hope that it would pull Helena’s attention, though it was to no avail. She let out a small sigh, one she was certain Helena couldn’t hear, “One might say that it was a moment worth getting caught up in.”

“Regardless, I _shouldn’t_ have said it.”

Myka’s foot tapped against her knee again, “Why not?”

That question was enough to drive Helena’s attention back towards Myka. Her eyes remained wide and anxious, though the hesitance that was there previously was gone, “Because it’s bloody insane, and I would never want to push that onto you, and now I’ve put you in the terrible position of having to say no and I know you and so I know that you’re going to feel bad for saying no to me and you’ve driven all this way and now I’ve made things awkward and…”

“Helena…Helena…” Myka reached out and grasped one of Helena’s hands that was flying in exasperated gestures. When Helena met her eyes, Myka gave her a soft, assured smile, “Breathe, Sweets.”

Helena took a visible, deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

Myka let out a small chuckle, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“It just slipped out,” the haunted, embarrassed look chased back into Helena’s eyes as they stole away from Myka again.

“Helena…I feel the need to point out that you seem to be way more freaked out by this suggestion than I am. So I’m going to ask you, your suggestion…did you mean it?”

Helena’s teeth ground against her bottom lip, but the eyes that met Myka’s were sure, finally steady, “I did….but..”

Myka gave her hand a squeeze, “Wait a sec…hold on to that but…just…can we talk about this before you go into all the reasons why you wish you could just suck those words back into the ether?”

Realization rushed across Helena’s face, as though she was finally _hearing_ what Myka seemed to be saying. She stood up quickly, Myka’s knees forming an immediate and tight bracket around her thighs, “Are you really considering this?”

Myka gave her a shy smile, “Let’s put it this way….my brain didn’t immediately kick into fight or flight mode when you said it, so yeah, I think I am.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like I backed you into a corner, like you can’t say no…”

Myka couldn’t stop the burst of laughter that left her lungs, “Oh Swagger…have I ever had trouble telling you no before?”

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, “Do you really want me to answer that question?”

Myka shook her head, her laughter continuing, “Probably not. Plus, _this_ is not _that_.”

“That’s true.”

Myka ran her hands lightly down Helena’s biceps, “I think my first question is, is it even possible? I mean we don’t much time until the show actually starts and I don’t want to throw your tech guys into a fit and I don’t want to stress anyone out or make things more difficult.”

Helena’s lips twitched in a small quirk, “So…Kelly is a woman who prepares for all contingencies. I’m fairly certain she has had a plan for this from the second she started planning the tour.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “Why does that not surprise me?”

“Precisely. So I think we would just need to tell her and she would get the ball rolling.”

“Do you think that the rest of the band would be ok with it? I don’t want anyone feeling steamrolled.”

Helena chuckled, “I believe that they all would be more than ok with it love. It’s not like we’re introducing a new song into the set. We’ve been doing it every show, this time it would simply finally sound like it’s supposed to.”

Myka’s brow crinkled in question, “Wait…how _have_ you been doing it all summer? I never thought about that…a duet without both people...”

“Some nights Claudia has done your parts, other nights we’ve had your part played through the sound system. It’s all been dependent on how Claudia’s voice has felt each night.” Helena paused for a second, before bringing her hands up to trace Myka’s cheeks, “Darling…I really could not care less about the logistics of all of this, because my main question is if this is something you even _want_ to do?”

“Honestly? Yeah. I mean, I’ve thought about it before too, about this moment happening, and each time I always expected the prospect to feel nerve-wracking and like something that I wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole, but the second that those words actually came out of your mouth, I felt nothing but excitement. Doing this with you? It just…it just feels like something inevitable that we’ve been building towards. That doesn’t mean I’m hopping on a tour bus and doing this every night, but for right now, for tonight? Yeah…I want to do it.”

Helena gave Myka a scrutinizing look, as though she was trying to read in every cell of Myka’s face whether or not this was truly what she wanted, “You’re sure?”

Myka reached up and tugged on Helena’s wrists, drawing them closer together, and kissed her softly, “I’m sure.”

Helena glanced down at her phone, clicking the screen to check the time, “I don’t want to feel like we’re rushing into this, but we are, so…if we’re going to do this we should go tell Kelly, and then we should probably try and get in one run through, just in case.”

“Alright then, Swagger, lead the way. Let’s do this.”

**

It was chaotic and stressful and a little bit off the rails, but somehow in a little under an hour and roughly a half hour before the gates of the theater were set to open, they had managed to get the tech and sound guys up to speed, get Myka set up with sound monitors, and still squeeze in a quick practice. When they finished, Pete shouted to get Helena’s attention before throwing a candy bar in her direction, “Get up here woman, and bring Mykes with you. We have a routine to maintain.”

“I’ll be right there, just hang on a second.” Helena turned to Myka with a bright smile, “Do you feel alright? This all happened a bit fast.”

Myka nodded, “I’m good. Trust me.” She shot a quick look up to Pete, “Should you really be keeping him waiting?”

Helena waved a dismissive hand and handed Myka the candy bar, “Take this up there. I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later, Helena returned to the stage and bounced up the stairs to find Pete settled between Myka and Amanda, looking out over the still empty theater. Pete gave her an appraising look when she sat down, “Where did you go?”

She threw an apple at him, while holding a hand out for her half of the candy bar, “We must _maintain routine_ , Peter.”

Pete rolled his eyes and handed over her half of the candy, begrudgingly taking a bite of the apple, “I kind of hate you.”

“So you tell me before every show, and yet you’re still eating that apple, therefore I don’t care.” She sank down next to Myka, tucking an arm around her waist, “I see Pete took care of you as well.”

Myka grinned around the Twizzler that was dangling between her teeth, “He told me you and Steve aren’t allowed around the candy stash.”

“That is woefully true. He and Claudia have gotten quite possessive of their hoard.”

“Yeah, yeah, at least I share. Claud definitely does not.”

An easy silence lapsed between the four of them; Myka and Amanda seeking to not disrupt Pete and Helena’s rhythm, Pete and Helena perfectly comfortable in their usual silence. Eventually, Amanda’s voice broke through, “I still can’t believe this place is going to be full soon…and all for you guys. It’s amazing.”

Myka chuckled softly, “I can’t believe this is somehow the first time we’re going to see the show.”

Pete bumped into Myka’s shoulder, “Oh you just wait Mykes, we’ve been saving the best show just for you guys.” He playfully laid his head against Myka’s shoulder, pitching his voice lower so that only Myka could hear him, “Ya know…I’ve been waiting ten years for a night like this.”

“A night like what?”

“Finally getting to share the stage with you. We never got the chance and I’m glad we’re getting it now.”

Myka bit the corner of her lip, keeping the ground swell of emotion building in her throat at bay. She kissed the top of his head and whispered, “Me too, Lattimer, me too.”

**

“I’m nervous. Why am I nervous? _I_ shouldn’t be nervous.” Amanda kept shifting from foot to foot in the wings of the stage, watching as Pete made final adjustments to his kit behind the large drop screen that had been put in front of the stage after the opening set. 

Myka gave her a sidelong glance, chuckling softly, “Apparently, Pete’s fidgeting has finally become contagious..”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “I have no idea why I feel this way, but seriously did you _see_ how many people are out there? How do they do this night in, night out?”

“Are you actually going to be able to enjoy this or are you just going to fidget all night _or_ throw up? Because that’s how you look right now.”

Amanda held her hands out, shaking them vigorously, rolling her head back and forth on her shoulders, “I’ll be fine. Once they get started I’ll be fine.”

Suddenly, Kelly was behind them, shifting them over a few steps, speaking quickly into a headset, “Five minutes until start. Everyone ready?” Myka and Amanda both turned to look at her, but quickly realized she wasn’t talking to them, and had already moved on to the next step in the pre-show process.

Myka bumped into Amanda’s shoulder, bouncing up on her toes, “ _Five_ minutes. I’ll be excited for both of us.” Myka went to say something else, but then there was a hand wrapping around her wrist and tugging her backwards. She stumbled a few steps, before steadying herself in Helena’s hold. It took her a second to fully process what Helena was doing, to focus on her movements, far too distracted by the image of Helena standing in front of her, completely stage ready, completely, devastatingly gorgeous, all eyeliner and leather, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. She couldn’t keep her breath from leaving her in a swift exhalation, one word falling out along the way, “Wow…”

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, “I have to be on stage in all of three minutes, you are not allowed to distract me.”

“Then you probably need to not be standing in front of me right now, because you are _nothing but_ distracting.” 

Helena rolled her eyes, despite the blush that crept into her cheeks. She dragged them away from the myriad of people rushing around prepping last minute details, finding the darkest possible corner available and tucking Myka flush up against her. She whispered, “Kiss for good luck?”

Myka chuckled, “I’m having flashbacks to that bar and that first show…when I was kissing you to calm your nerves.”

“My thoughts then were the same as they are now, at least regarding you…”

Myka tightened her arms around Helena’s waist, pulling them impossibly closer together, “Yeah, and what thoughts are those?”

Helena shifted and placed a kiss to the back of Myka’s jaw, whispering against her ear, “That I am extremely happy that you are here.” She moved and kissed the other side of Myka’s jaw, “That I will be singing to only you tonight, and…” her lips were millimeters from Myka’s, “that I cannot wait to get you home.”

Myka felt a thrill of heat chase down her spine, sending sparks of desire throughout her nervous system, “If I remember correctly, that isn’t exactly how that particular night ended.”

“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t what I wanted.”

Myka opened her mouth to respond, but wasn’t given the chance because Helena was too busy closing the minimal, practically nonexistent space between them, kissing her hard and with reckless abandon. It was only a few seconds, but it was enough to leave Myka winded. When Helena pulled away it took every ounce of Myka’s energy to focus, to open her eyes and whisper out, “Good luck Swagger.”

Helena chuckled and pressed another light kiss to her lips, “Thank you darling. I’ll see you out there in a bit.” 

Myka watched Helena jog around to the back of the stage, before returning to Amanda’s side. She gave her a teasing grin, “You ready for this?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “Enough of your mocking woman, they’re about to start.”

**

In the seconds leading up to the start, the entire theater was doused into a darkness that was only interrupted by the constant and consistent flash of thousands of cell phone cameras exploding in anticipation of the music beginning. It all happened so quickly that Myka was barely able to process all of it, as desperate as she was to memorize and remember every second. The darkness descended, the drop sheet in front of the stage fell in one graceful arch, and the ground swell of screaming from the crowd was so forceful that it hit Myka square in the chest, and then it was all happening at once. A bright beam of light flashed over Pete pounding out an incessant driving rhythm on his drums, his drumsticks flying so fast they were tiny blurs in Myka’s vision. The thump of the bass drum resounded and echoed in Myka’s pulse, her body trying to acclimate to the sound. Her entire body seeming to come alive in those first few notes.

In another flash of light, a second spotlight landed on Steve, where he had emerged on the other side of the stage. The beat of his bass filling in perfectly the gaps that Pete left for him in the notes. Out of the corner of her eye, Myka caught Claudia slinging on her guitar with a flourish and palming the microphone that Kelly slipped into her hand. She skipped out on stage to a fresh wave of screams as her own spotlight hit her and she yelled out, “Steve Jinks on the bass guitar!” The crowd noise swelled as Claudia stood up on one of the monitors at the front of the stage, calling out, “Alright you guys try this out for me…” She sang out a two bars of rhythm before holding the mic out to the crowd, which reciprocated her notes at a volume that was almost incomprehensible to Myka. They kept up the back and forth for a few more rounds, until Claudia hopped off the monitor, slipping her mic into its stand and sliding her guitar around from her back, shouting out a four count as she went. Her guitar pealed into screaming clarity with a string of notes that Myka finally registered as something recognizable compared to Steve and Pete’s improvised intro. Her nerve-endings tingled as she watched the twisted metal doors adorned with old-fashioned gears that had been built into the bottom of the platform Pete’s drums stood on, slide open, curling waves of smoke puffing out of them, followed very distinctly by a perfectly backlit Helena. Between the lights and the smoke, she appeared as a mere silhouette, but there was no mistaking her voice, and Myka found herself unconsciously singing along immediately with the words coming out of Helena’s mouth, words she knew intimately, because they were words they had written together.

**

_Pikes Peak Center, Colorado Springs, mid-August 2011_

Myka couldn’t keep the smile off of her face as they exited through the theater doors, Helena’s hand tucked assuredly into her own. She gave it a tight squeeze, shooting her a quick smile, bending down to place a small kiss to her cheek, “Thank you for this. Arguably, the best birthday I’ve ever had. Hands down.”

Helena gave her a contented smile, “And I haven’t even given you the rest of your gifts yet.” She directed their steps away from the theater and towards the small park that was only a few blocks away, unwilling to waste a single moment of the night, not when the sun was just barely dipping under the horizon, the breeze was soothingly warm, and Myka looked like a vision in a light green sundress that drew out every glint and glimmer in her eyes. Helena gave her a hesitant look, “I must say, I was quite nervous…planning a birthday evening for you for the first time.”

Myka gave her a teasing grin, but squeezed her hand for assurance, “You had no reason to be nervous. Tonight has been…” Myka let out a small breath, images of the evening flashing quickly through her mind. The outdoor café where they had dinner basked in sunlight. Helena sliding the theater tickets across the table as though it was the most innocent gesture in the world. Every bar of music from the last two and a half hours. The way the breeze kept wafting Helena’s hair back from her shoulders. She sighed again, “Tonight has been perfect.”

Their steps fell into sync along the footpath the encircled the fountain at the center of the park. There were a few other evening strollers out enjoying the warmth with them, and although Helena was hesitant to break the easy silence that surrounded them, there was a question creeping at the back of her mind that she desperately wanted an answer to. She glanced over at Myka, giving her a soft smile, “Why _Into the Woods_?”

Myka grinned, “What do you mean?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “It is your birthday, which means I am going to indulge your incorrigible nature without commentary. I’ve just been wondering about it is all. You’ve told me it’s your favorite musical. I’ve listened to that soundtrack with you at least fifty times by now, but you’ve never told me why. Why is it your favorite?”

Myka felt hesitation, deflection tripping on the edge of her tongue, but ignored it. The genuine interest in Helena’s voice, the curiosity shining behind her eyes, they were enough to urge Myka towards openness. She took a deep breath, “My mom bought me the soundtrack when I was ten. Even when I was that young…my dad…my dad and I were never in a good place, and I was a shy kid by nature, hiding away in the corners of the bookstore reading whenever I could. My mom told me it had always been her favorite musical too, because it instilled in her a knowledge of how powerful not only stories can be, but how powerful our own desires and wishes could be. I was probably way too young to fully get that, but…I just fell in love with it. Eventually, I got the sheet music for it, and it was what truly made me realize how much I loved playing piano. I played it all the time, and eventually…eventually I realized that, much like my mom, I loved it for the power it presented, for the way it made these stories that I loved to escape into come to life. It made them more real in a way. It made me feel like someone else _got_ how much music and literature could change a person. At some point, I realized that I connected to it so much because for so much of my life I had felt that way…wanting something different, wishing for a different set of circumstances, wishing that life with my dad was different, feeling like the bookstore was somehow, simultaneously a refuge and a tower, something that I never wanted to leave because it was safe, while at the same time hoping someone would come along and get me out of it because they actually _saw_ who I was. I don’t know…maybe that doesn’t make any sense, but there’s just something about it that felt like this music…it understood my soul.”

Helena cleared her throat in a vain attempt to swallow back the tears that were building behind her eyes. Despite the progress they had made over the last nine months, there were still those moments when Myka seemed hesitant to share, certainly hesitant to talk about her past. Helena’s wasn’t sure, outside of the night that Myka had first told her about Sam, if she had ever heard Myka speak so openly and honestly about her life. It filled Helena’s chest with a kind of indescribable warmth that this was where they were, that somehow maybe, one more wall had fallen down between them. Her footsteps stalled and she looped an arm around Myka’s waist, pulling her in for a soft kiss. When she broke away, she gave Myka a bright smile, “Thank you for telling me.”

Myka squeezed her hand and resumed their walk, “One more piece of the puzzle that is Myka Bering, huh?”

“Something like that darling.” They walked on for several more quiet minutes until a thought sprung unbidden into Helena’s mind. She kept her tone even, light, “You know…there is a song in there somewhere…in what you just said.”

The corner of Myka’s mouth twitched in a small smile, “Yeah, I know. I’ve thought about that before…I’ve just never written it.” She arched an eyebrow at Helena, “Maybe it was waiting for me to find the right person to write it with.”

That night, for the first time, they sat down and wrote something together, something that was wholly new and wholly theirs. This wasn’t a song that Helena had written that Myka helped tweak. This wasn’t a song that Myka just wanted an opinion on. This was something that they chose to create together. Their shoes were strewn across the floor of Myka’s living room, their dresses long since discarded for the comfort of pajama pants and in Myka’s case, Helena’s sweatshirt. They were stretched out, backs against the front of Myka’s couch, a single journal propped against their knees, two pens scribbling and scratching out lines that fit perfectly and lines that were perfectly discarded. They finished it faster than either of them anticipated and Myka joked that apparently this song _had_ been lying in her mind just waiting to come out, but then she looked at Helena, fire blazing in her eyes, and kissed her swiftly, “This song needed you. _I_ needed you to write it. Thank you.”

Helena placed her palm against Myka’s cheek, thumb tracing her cheekbone, “You’re very welcome love.”

Myka scrawled out the title at the top of the page and then gave Helena a sidelong glance, “So how is this byline going to work?”

Helena chuckled and tugged the notebook into her lap. She wrote quickly, then turned the notebook back to Myka, showing her what she’d written. Myka looked down at the page and then gave Helena an incredulous look, “Wells and Bering, huh?”

Helena shrugged, “Simply the first thing that came to mind.”

“Uh huh.” Myka’s pen made quick work of scratching over Helena’s writing, replacing it with her own, “Sorry Swagger, but you have to admit…Bering and Wells has a much better ring to it.’

Helena sighed in a mock dramatic fashion, “I _suppose_ it _does_ sound a bit better, _and_ it is alphabetical.”

“Woes of being a W, Swagger…”

Helena grinned, “Maybe someday you can do something about that…”

A tinge of pink crept into Myka’s cheeks at the implication. She leaned forward, centimeters away from Helena’s lips, “You know maybe someday I will.”

“Well,” Helena shifted and kissed Myka slowly before whispering, “Bering and Wells it is.”

**

Helena practically stalked out of the shadows and the smoke, immediately in full ownership of the stage. If Myka didn’t know the words so well, she would have had to strain to hear them over the initial fever-pitched screams from the crowd at Helena’s arrival on stage. Myka didn’t even have the wherewithal to pay attention to the swaying and moving of her own body to the rhythm, she was too caught up in Helena’s voice.

_“She lives in a fairy tale…somewhere too far for us to find…forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she’s left behind…”_

Helena sped her steps up to reach the front of the stage before the next line, stepping up onto her monitor while she kept one hand atop her mic stand to keep herself steady. Myka could just barely see the first few rows of fans, each of them enraptured by Helena, following her every move, singing along with her.

_“It’s all about the exposure…the lens I told her…the angles are all wrong now she’s ripping wings off of butterflies.”_

Amanda’s voice was loud, pulsing in Myka’s ear as she leaned into Myka’s shoulder, “Jesus Christ…they love her. I mean they love _them_ , but…well…clearly they love _her_.”

Myka’s smile was bright and clear as she nodded her head in acknowledgement of Amanda’s very correct observation, but her eyes never left the stage, never left the image of Helena crouching down to be near eye level with the first row as she kept singing, the music ebbing back into the slower rhythm of the bridge.

_“Keep your feet on the ground…while your head’s in the clouds.”_

Pete gave a vicious run of eighth notes on his snare, propelling them forward into the chorus, encouraging Helena to jump off of the monitor, her microphone finally settling into the mic stand, as her voice echoed around the theater.

_“Well go get your shovel…and we’ll dig a deep hole…to bury the castle…bury the castle…”_

It had been so long, Myka had almost forgotten what this moment felt like. The moment when words you wrote, words that you had pulled from the darkest corners of your heart, the furthest depths of your soul, come rushing back at you on a heaving swell of thousands of voices. It was a feeling that could easily throw you off-kilter and intoxicate you all at once, knowing that people _knew_ your words, without truly _knowing_ what they meant. It gave her a small, secretive thrill to hear their words echoing back at her, while also knowing that no one in the audience, no one but she and Helena, knew what those words meant. That the castle was the bookstore and her past and all the expectations that had made her feel trapped for so long; that Helena had written the line about the shovel to represent her own desire to help Myka move on, to leave the past in the past.

Helena had barely stood still for the brief seconds of the chorus, and before Myka knew it, the microphone was back out of its stand and Helena was tracking the entire length of the stage, stopping at brief intervals to interact with Steve and Claudia, as she sang her way through the ebb and flow of the second verse.

_“So one day he found her crying…coiled up on the dirty ground…her prince finally came to save her…and the rest you can figure out…it was a trick and the clock struck twelve so make sure…to build your home brick by boring brick or the wolf’s gonna blow it down…”_

A slow trickle of goosebumps crawled up the skin of Myka’s arms. A sudden, though not necessarily unpleasant, chill chased across her nervous system. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t listened to this song countless times, but there was something… _haunting_ about watching Helena sing words that were about her and Sam. When they had written them, Helena had wondered if Myka was wholly comfortable with including them, fearing that it might be a strange kind of line being crossed, but Myka had been certain, _determined_ , because it was all so very much a part of the story they were trying to tell with this song. 

When Myka had first met Sam, she _had_ felt like he had been her saving grace, the thing to make all the disappointments in her life disappear. When she and Helena started writing, she found that there was no better metaphor for how she had felt when she discovered that Sam had been cheating other than the fairy tale clock striking midnight; the cold, vicious reality that everything she had ever known had been nothing but illusion, carefully laid party tricks to fool her into thinking her life was something it clearly wasn’t anymore, and hadn’t been for a long time. The lyric about the bricks, the lyric that gave them a song title emerged when Helena opened up about how in the early months of their relationship she had felt like every conversation was a careful dance in removing, brick by slow brick, the walls Myka had built up around her, how sometimes when she felt like she had pushed too far she would go home feeling like that metaphorical wolf trying to blow all of Myka’s guards down in one fell swoop. 

Myka loved that line, it was the kind of perfection she always sought when she wrote. The perfect combination of anger, hope, loss, and joy. She loved that she trusted Helena with her heart enough to write it with her. And she loved nothing more than hearing Helena sing it, sing it in front of thousands of people who were singing it back to her.

Helena was more than willing to oblige the crowd’s need to sing along with her, hopping back up onto her center monitor and singing the bridge with them in a steady back and forth.

_“Well you built up a world….of magic…because you real life is tragic…yeah you built up a world of magic…”_

Helena let the audience sing out each “of magic” phrase without her help, a huge smile splayed on her face at their volume, at their enthusiasm. Myka remembered that feeling well, the exhilarating thrill of not even having to sing because the crowd knew your words as well as you did. 

There was a narrow corner of Myka’s mind that couldn’t believe she had put so much honesty, so much visceral truth into this song. The frank admission that she had fallen into books and a world of fantasy in order to avoid dealing with the truth of life with her father. It had slipped out of her mouth while they were writing without even knowing truly that she was saying it, but the look Helena had given her that night, a look that said she _knew_ , she _understood_ , so intimately the urge to do such a thing, it had impelled Myka to just write it out, expel it from her mind, her soul and let it breathe, let it hopefully speak to others who did the same thing.

It was only after Myka had written those lines that Helena had looked at her and said she had an idea for the next part, if Myka would be willing to indulge her for a few moments. The results of those moments were the words that Helena hopped down from her monitor, nestled her microphone back into its stand, and sang out next. The music fading around her into a quiet background so that her voice could fill the arena completely.

_“If it’s not real…you can’t hold it in your hand…and you can’t feel it with your heart…and I won’t believe it…but if it’s true…you can see it with your eyes…or even in the dark…and that’s where I want to be yeah…”_

At the last line, Helena’s head turned away from the crowd, her eyes finding Myka’s in the darkened corner of the wings, giving evidence to her promise that she was absolutely and completely singing only to her. Myka’s chest swelled at the brief contact, the fire shining in Helena’s eyes, telling Myka how much she still believed those words.

Helena had told her that night, after she had shown Myka what she’d written, that as much as she understood the need to hide, the desire to build up those walls, she wanted nothing more than to see, to love Myka as she truly was, and that she wanted Myka to see her too, flaws, scars, imperfections, the things hidden in the dark included. She had told her, without equivocation that she wanted nothing more than for them to be their truest selves with each other. Myka had kissed her then, and told her the lyrics were perfect, and that she wanted nothing more than what Helena had described. Hearing Helena sing those words with the full power of her voice, her voice that left Myka weak-kneed and wanting, Myka realized all over again, that she and Helena, they were exactly where she wanted to be.

The song ended in a renewed flourish of Claudia and Steve amping up the crowd with another round of repeated rhythms while Helena did her best to grab a surreptitious sip of water. In the final moments, Pete pounded out a vigorous drum roll that was so hard Myka could tell his sticks were on the brink of snapping. The second the last note rang out, as the crowd went absolutely nuts, Myka watched as her thought was proven correct as Pete tossed a broken stick down to Helena who grabbed it and tossed it out carefully to someone in the crowd, as Pete flawlessly extracted another set of sticks and beat relentlessly into the next song.

**

Their set built and built and built until what felt like an inevitable breaking point. The music had driven forward for forty-five minutes, and in the back of her mind Myka didn’t know how they kept up the energy for that long, how the crowd sustained such peak levels of enthusiasm, but the setlist seemed designed to bring everyone to the absolute point of excitement, only to bring them down at the right moment, to give them all, the band and the crowd, a chance to breathe. 

When that lull, that breathing point happened, Myka knew it was time. She had seen the setlist. She knew the order. She knew from the look that Helena gave her as she stepped up to the microphone to talk to the suddenly quiet crowd that their song was next. When she felt Amanda’s hand wrap around her shoulder and give it a small squeeze, she expected to be overcome. She expected to be nervous, to suddenly feel like this was the worst idea in the world. She had worried when she initially agreed to this that when the time came, Helena would need to physically drag her out onto the stage. However, as Helena shot her a quick smile, before turning back to the crowd, Myka was filled with a familiar surge of adrenaline that she had thought her body had long since forgotten. She took a deep breath, letting the energy flow through her veins, expanding out into her every cell, letting it settle somewhere between her chest and her stomach, and waited…waited with bated breath for Helena to bring her out.

Helena slid a delicate hand over her forehead, wiping away invisible perspiration, because despite the fact that she had been going non-stop for almost an hour, she still looked flawless, and the crowd showed their appreciation with another crescendo of screams that devolved into a strange kind of swoon as she shot them a devastating smile, “Well, hello to you too St. Louis.” Another echo of screams, before she continued, “Before we get to the next song, I wanted to tell you all that you happen to be extremely lucky this evening. You’re very lucky because _I_ happened to be very lucky today, in that I received a rather surprise visitor this afternoon.” Helena went to keep talking, but a wave of realization seemed to have already flowed through the crowd, their energy once again picking up in excited whispers and shouts. Helena chuckled softly, “It seems I might not even need to keep talking, since you all seem to have figured it out already, however, she deserves nothing short of a marvelous introduction, so I will continue and simply say that my lovely surprise visitor has graciously offered to come out here and sing the next song with me, which is only appropriate since she _is_ the one who sings it with me on the album.” The crowd let out a swell of shouts as their suspicions were confirmed. Helena tipped her head back in a light laugh, before shooting another sidelong glance towards the wings, “Would you all please give it up for Myka Bering?”

A pulsing heat of anticipation that could only be caused by thousands of people screaming at the top of their lungs _for you_ , shot through Myka’s bloodstream. The intimate familiarity of the moment raced through her veins and left her giddy with anticipation. She raised her eyebrows to Amanda with an excited smile, “Wish me luck.”

Amanda gave her a kind of nervous grin, “Good luck dear one. Get out there.”

For the first time in six years, Myka stepped out onto a stage that wasn’t in front of only a few handfuls of people. For the first time in six years, Myka was greeted with the ear-splitting screams of thousands of people who wanted nothing more than to hear her sing. She didn’t know how to process the fact that she didn’t feel nervous or hesitant, but rather she felt at _home_ , an odd sense of peace flowing over her as she walked across the stage and towards the microphone that one of the crew guys had hurried out and into position when Helena introduced her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to figure out the emotions behind this moment until long after it was finished, but she had a feeling that a lot of it had to do with the fact that when she walked onto the stage she barely saw the crowd, despite the smiling wave she shot to them, the only thing she saw was Helena, turned towards her with the brightest smile she had ever seen. She stopped for a split second in front of her, feeling the heady mix of adrenaline and nervous anticipation flow through her and impel her towards boldness, and leaned forward to press a lingering though quick kiss to Helena’s cheek, despite the fact that there were thousands of people watching, _screaming_ at her actions. She felt Helena let out a small sigh of contentment, and she placed another, quicker kiss to her cheek, whispering, “Let’s do this, Swagger.”

Helena squeezed her biceps tightly and gave her a quick nod, before stepping back to her mic and letting Myka settle in front of her own. Myka adjusted the height of it, not because it needed it, but simply out of habit. She wrapped a hand around the mic and gave the crowd a crooked smile, “How ya doin’ St. Louis?” The crowd gave a high pitched shout of greeting. Myka chuckled, “I have to say, this will take some getting used to. I usually have a piano in front of me when I’m up here, so this is kind of new.” The crowd gave an appreciative laugh, which made Myka chuckle. She turned to Helena, who was looking at her with a strange mix of love, admiration, and awe. 

Helena gave her a soft smile, before she turned back to the crowd, “What do you think St. Louis, are you ready for this?” The response was almost deafening. Helena flashed Myka a beaming smile, tilting her head away from the mic and speaking quietly enough that only Myka could hear, “What about you? Are _you_ ready for this darling?” Her tone was light, teasing, but Myka knew that she was really asking if she was ready.

Myka shot her a quick wink, “I’m ready if you are Swagger.”

Helena chuckled, “Righty-ho then.” She turned around and gave Pete a small nod, calling up to him in a voice loud enough that she was sure the first few rows could hear her, “Take it away Pete.”

It had been so long that Myka almost forgot that this was what always happened to her, at least in moments like these, moments when the music was so raw, when it came from such a real place, that it made everything around her narrow into nothingness to the point that all she could truly feel and pay attention to was the music pulsing in her ears. She didn’t really see the crowd, didn’t hear their voices rise up to sing along, she didn’t see or hear anything that wasn’t her and Helena. It was almost as though a tiny bubble had risen up around them keeping the rest of the world at bay for these few scant minutes, letting them share this stage, this moment without an ounce of attention given to anything else. If their eyes weren’t closed, then they were on each other, and she knew that Helena was experiencing the same thing, the same centering of her world into this tiny space. She could see it in her eyes, the way that they bored into her own, that Helena, in that moment, wasn’t seeing anything else but her. 

As the music swelled around them, rising and pushing towards the bridge, everything seemed to contract and release in a single moment. All it took for that small bubble around them to burst was for Helena to shoot Myka a teasing grin and crook a finger towards her, beckoning Myka to sing with her at her microphone. That moment, the look Helena gave her, made a shot of warmth and energy rocket through Myka’s system, and suddenly the crowd noise was in her ears and she could hear every note that the band was playing, and as she stepped into Helena’s space to let their voices mix and mingle together around the same shared breaths, Myka wasn’t sure she could ever remember being this _happy_ on stage…ever. 

Helena’s eyes were shining with so much emotion Myka couldn’t process it. As they sang out the words that they both knew meant so much to them, the words that bound and tightened their hearts together, Myka couldn’t stop her fingers from rising up to trace around Helena’s locket where it hung just below the dip of her throat, knowing the words that were within it were the words they were singing. Helena gave her a bright smile which Myka knew she was returning, and once again the atmosphere shifted and that bubble returned so that it was just them, them and that microphone, as though nothing else mattered. 

As each of their voices lowered, disappeared into the faintest of whispers, the final bars of the music swelled around them, and Myka knew just from looking at her what Helena was going to do, and part of her wanted to care that it was in front of thousands of people, but she couldn’t muster up the strength to give that care any thought. Helena simply arched an eyebrow at her and closed the minimal space between them, placing the lightest of kisses to her lips, though in that moment, that light touch was everything Myka could have ever needed or wanted. She vaguely heard the crowd screaming around them, and it was enough to make her chuckle, smirking at the look on Helena’s face and whispering, “You and your swagger.”

Helena smiled and mouthed, “I love you.”

Myka responded in kind before Helena turned her attention back to her microphone, back to the crowd, as the music died out around them. Over the shouts and the screams, Helena called out, “Myka Bering, everyone.” The crowd screamed again and Helena gave Myka’s free hand a squeeze as Myka gave the crowd another quick wave, before tucking a quick kiss to Helena’s cheek and turning her feet back towards the wings of the stage. 

As the darkness of backstage engulfed her, Myka felt the adrenaline coursing through her body give a slight heave before it ebbed and retreated, leaving her breathless. She stood still for the briefest of moments, trying to let her body take in and process the last five minutes, but every nerve in her body was thrumming and she could feel her fingers shaking slightly with the rush that betrayed an inevitable fall. 

Amanda’s arms wrapped around her shoulders before she even knew she was there, “Are you ok?”

Myka could only nod and return Amanda’s hold tightly. Eventually she pulled away, sucking in a deep breath, eyes meeting Amanda’s which were shining with concern. Myka gave her a small smile, “I’m ok. I just…I just need a minute. I’ll be right back.”

Amanda opened her mouth to say something before closing it just as quickly, giving Myka an understanding nod. Myka tried to keep her steps even and slow, but she couldn’t stop them from speeding up, pulling her back to the darkened corner Helena had dragged her into before the show started. She told herself she got two minutes. Two minutes to let every emotion that was raging within her loose and then she was going to go back out and enjoy the rest of the show. She bent double, fingers gripping onto her knees, as she took in deep gulps of air. Memories flooded through her mind, quick scenes of other crowds and other lyrics and Sam and so many other things that they almost overwhelmed her, but shining through them all was Helena, the look she had given her at the end of the song. Myka felt a few tears track down her cheeks and she let them. She knew this would happen, that there would be a moment of overwhelming _remembrance_ , that it would threaten to overtake her and drag her down, but she fought against it. Now wasn’t then. That stage wasn’t those other stages. This moment wasn’t something from her past. It was her and Helena. It was their music. It was all them, and for those few minutes it was perfection. Myka took another deep breath, standing back up and wiping away her minimal tears, feeling a smile that threatened to strain her muscles overtake her features.

When she returned to Amanda’s side, Amanda gave her a sidelong glance, “You good?”

Myka beamed, “I’m good.”

Amanda nodded and then bumped against her shoulder, “You were incredible. You were always incredible, but this…well…”

Myka turned and placed a kiss against Amanda’s cheek, “Thank you.”

**

As Helena’s voice carried through the arena, the final bars of “Proof” hanging in the air, Myka realized that she didn’t want the show to be over, little more than an hour wasn’t enough. The band had been so infectious, so good, so enthralling to watch that she just wanted more, a sentiment she was sure was shared by every other person filling the seats. She knew they still had an encore set to play, but she couldn’t help herself feeling a bit disappointed that this experience, this insane joy of watching the four of them in their absolute element, was coming to an end already. She watched as Pete gave one last run on his drums before taking her breath away by jumping directly off of his drum platform to join the other three at the front of the stage.

"Thank you St. Louis! Good night!" Helena's voice was drowned out by the ground swell of screams coming from the audience. The four of them took a quick bow, before rushing off stage.

Helena didn't look anywhere other than at Myka, eyes flaring with a determination that made Amanda lean into Myka's shoulder and whisper, "If I was on the receiving end of that look I'm not sure I'd be capable of standing."

Myka opened her mouth to say something, some teasing comment about how Helena liked sweeping people off of their feet, but she didn't get a chance to say it because once they were all backstage Helena's hand wrapped around Myka's wrist and started tugging her back towards the dressing rooms.

Pete's voice rang out after them, "You have FIVE minutes H.G.!"

She shot him a wink over her shoulder, "I am well aware of that fact Peter, thank you." She tugged a bit harder on Myka's wrist, giving her a devilish grin, "Come on you."

The giggle that escaped Myka's mouth would have embarrassed her had anyone other than Helena heard it. She more than willingly let Helena pull her along the darkened corridors of backstage, all the while attempting to keep her feet from tripping over each other.

Helena nearly collapsed into her dressing room, immediately pushing Myka up against the door, hands tucking under Myka's jaw, bringing their lips together in a fevered rush of want and need. The moment they had shared onstage hung heavy around them leaving the unspoken things between them to come out in their shared breath.

Helena tilted her chin back, breaking the kiss and resting her forehead against Myka's, eyes remaining closed as the rest of her senses took Myka in...the sound of her labored breathing, the smell of her perfume, the feel of the soft skin beneath her jaw. Helena whispered, "Even if we never do that again...if tonight was the first and last time...having that with you...Myka..."

Myka's breath left her in an off-kilter gasp, feeling all of her emotions from earlier come careening back to the forefront of her mind. Her hands gripped at the small of Helena's back, "I know...God...I know."

Helena sighed with a mix of contentment and desire, her hands coming up to skim beneath Myka's shirt, the heels of her hands warm against the swell of Myka's ribs, thumbs brushing against the thin fabric of her bra. Myka's breath was a shaky gasp of an exhalation, her nails coming up to scratch against Helena's scalp as Helena tipped her head and buried her lips at the juncture of Myka's neck and shoulder.

Somewhere in the back of Myka's mind she judged herself for how needy she sounded as she husked out, "We...we only have a few minutes."

Helena pulled away from her skin, eyes dilated beyond Myka's comprehension. She pulled Myka's phone out of the back pocket of Myka's jeans, pressing a few buttons and turning the phone so that Myka could see she'd set an alarm for three minutes, "We have three minutes darling and I don't intent to waste them." If not for the tight grip of Helena's hands against her ribs Myka wasn't sure her knees would have held as Helena's lips captured hers with a heat that left her gasping for air. 

Helena pressed Myka harder against the door, her tongue skirting across the roof of Myka's mouth, reveling in the glorious moan that came from Myka's throat and vibrated against her lips. Helena pulled her mouth away from Myka's so she could whisper in her ear while her hands worked across Myka's skin, "God I have missed you. Missed kissing you...missed every single thing about you."

Myka's chuckle was low, raspy, "Really? I couldn't tell."

Helena's teeth sank into Myka's earlobe, a kind of growl leaving the back of her throat, "Insufferable woman." Before she could say anything else the alarm on Myka's phone went off. She sighed, head dropping to Myka's shoulder, "We will continue this later."

Myka tucked two fingers beneath Helena's chin, pulling her in for one more kiss, "I'm counting on it Swagger."

They emerged back in the wings of the stage in time for Kelly to hand Helena a microphone and direct her towards the stage with a whispered, "Thank you for not making me have to come back there and pull you away from her." She tapped a button on the headset she was wearing, “Set for encore. H.G.’s coming out right now.” Kelly gave Helena a teasing glare and pressed a hand to the small of her back, pushing her onto the stage.

Helena flashed her a devilish grin and practically sauntered onto the darkened stage, a single spotlight catching her movements as the first lines of “Last Hope” were already coming out of her mouth to the adoring screams of the audience.

As the other three resumed their places on stage through the darkened shadows, Amanda gave Myka an incredulous grin, "You look like a love sick teenager."

Myka's smile couldn't be contained. Her eyes never stopped watching Helena maneuver around the stage as she said, "I just made out with my girlfriend in what's essentially a back room, so that's fairly accurate right now."

Amanda chuckled, "Pete and I did the same thing in that room under his drums before the show so you're in good company."

Myka hooked an arm through Amanda's, "Why does that not surprise me?"

"Because we are both pathetically in love with irresistible people."

"That is way, _way_ too true," Myka said as Helena caught her eye and gave her a quick wink before returning her attention back to the crowd.

"Oh dearest..." Amanda chuckled, “If our waitress from this morning could see you now, she’d have more _words_ for you about certain fingers and certain articles of jewelry.”

Myka sighed happily, “I can’t say I’d blame her. I mean if you were in my shoes, would you want to spend your life with anyone other than her?”

Amanda shook her head with a small laugh, watching Helena move around the stage with an irresistible sense of grace, “No…I can’t say that I would.”

**

The band finished their set with a flourish, playing an extended, rollicking version of “Ain’t It Fun,” most of which Helena barely needed to bother singing, since the crowd was more than happy to do it for her. As the four of them took their final bows before a crowd shouting itself hoarse, Amanda leaned into Myka’s shoulder, “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them look this happy.”

Myka grinned, “They should be…they’re incredible.”

Amanda chuckled, “Something we already knew.”

“Yeah, but now the world knows and that makes all the difference.” 

The minutes immediately after the lights went up in the arena were complete chaos. Myka vaguely remembered Helena kissing her and Pete scooping her up and swinging her around in a tight hug, whispering how proud he was of her, how much he loved seeing her on stage, and getting to be on that stage with her. She remembered feeling slightly teary and kissing his cheek, but the rest was a complete blur and scramble of crew already starting to pack up the band’s things and prepare for the next city, despite the fact that they would be staying in St. Louis for two days to do press, before heading to Oklahoma City for a few more days of press before their show there. 

Finally, in the midst of the scramble, Kelly pulled Myka and Amanda aside with Pete and H.G. She looked frazzled, though happy, there hadn’t been any glitches tonight, everything had gone smoothly, perfectly, the way it should have the previous two shows. She handed two small envelopes to Myka and Amanda, “Those are your hotel keys. Room numbers are inside. You’re all checked in and ready.” She gave Pete and H.G. a discerning look, “I’m totally fine with you guys riding over to the hotel with them, _but_ please just wait and follow the bus so that way I know you guys are within sight of the security guys.”

Helena sighed, “Is that entirely necessary?”

Kelly gave her an incredulous look, “You _know_ it’s necessary, H.G. You have seen the crowds before. I want you guys with all of us, regardless of what car you’re in.”

“She’s right H.G.,” Pete said.

Helena’s brow furrowed in frustration. Myka looped an arm around her waist and kissed her cheek, “Slings and arrows of stardom, Swagger. It’s ok, we can wait for the bus. It’s fine.” Myka watched as Helena’s jaw muscles clinched betraying the grinding of her teeth. Myka bit back a chuckle and leaned in to whisper in her ear, “Don’t worry…we have plenty of time.”

Helena gave her a mock glare, but still linked their hands together. She turned back to Kelly, “We’ll be ready to go whenever the bus is ready.”

“It won’t be that long, she’ll be all yours soon enough Rock Star,” Kelly winked.

“ _Lord_ …” Myka groaned, a small blush creeping into her cheeks.

Helena gave her a pointed look, “She’s not wrong.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Wrong or not, it doesn’t need to be said out loud.”

Pete bumped into Myka’s shoulder, “You act as though none of us have noticed the looks you two have been shooting each other all night.”

Myka groaned, hanging her head, “So, can we go to the car yet?”

Helena chuckled, tucking a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “As you wish darling.”

**

When they got to the hotel, Claudia and Steve declared they were going out for drinks at one of the bars down the street, despite the fact that Kelly was unhappy with such a plan. Yet, she still ended up agreeing to go with them, as long as several of the crew guys came with them to help keep things under control with any potential crowds. 

Pete waved to their retreating backs and then turned back to Myka, Amanda, and Helena, clapping his hands together, “Well, I’m starving. Anyone up for a late dinner?”

Amanda chuckled, “You and your bottomless stomach. I suppose I should feed you or I’ll never hear the end of it.” A couple of hotel staff came out to the car and inquired if they could take their luggage up to their rooms. Pete and Amanda thanked them, handing over their bags quickly. Amanda turned back to Myka and Helena, teasing glint in her eye, “So dinner?”

Myka felt Helena’s hand press against the small of her back, fingers tightening around her belt loops, unspoken words passing between them. Myka gave Amanda an exaggerated smile, “I think we’ll pass. This one,” she nudged Helena’s waist, “seems to have picked up a room service addiction this summer…”

Amanda smiled and leaned in to hug Myka, whispering in her ear, “More like an addiction to you. Good Lord…get that woman upstairs.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “We’ll see you both tomorrow.”

Pete hugged them both, squeezing Myka extra tight, “Thank you again for tonight, Mykes. I’ll…well…I’ll never forget it.”

“Neither will I, Lattimer. Enjoy your dinner.”

He gave her a wide grin, “There are _so many_ things I could say to that…however,” he cowered under Myka raising a fist in a threat to punch his shoulder, “I will keep them to myself.”

“A wise choice, Peter.” Helena pressed her hand further into Myka’s back, leaning over to give both Pete and Amanda a quick kiss on the cheek, “Good night.”

As they stood in front of the elevator, Myka shot Helena a small smile, “Pete is going to be teasing me for days, because that…well…we are so not subtle people are we?”

Helena shrugged, giving Myka an innocent look, “I don’t know about you, but I’m simply not in the mood to go to dinner.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Uh huh. Right. Absolutely what that was all about.”

Helena shrugged again and stepped gracefully onto the elevator as it arrived. Myka followed her, punching the number for their floor and the door close button as fast as she could. Once the doors clicked shut, she turned to the back of the elevator where Helena was reclined against the wall. When their eyes met, Myka gave Helena a wicked grin, reaching out and gripping her hands around Helena’s hips, pushing her back against the wall. Myka’s lips dipped and pressed heatedly against Helena’s pulse point, drawing a surprised, though delighted groan from Helena’s throat. 

Helena’s hands came up to tangle in Myka’s hair. She gave a throaty chuckle that vibrated against Myka’s lips, “You’re going to get us thrown out of this hotel…or possibly arrested.”

Myka’s teeth chased over Helena’s earlobe as she whispered, “Ask me if I care?”

“And you were giving _me_ grief about my lack of subtlety.”

Myka’s fingers flexed around Helena’s hips, her nails scraping against Helena’s skin as her tongue chased across the bare expanse of Helena’s collarbones. She lifted her head up to meet Helena’s eye with a blazing look, “Oh I _am_ being subtle Swagger. If I wasn’t, I’d have you out of your clothes by now.”

Helena head thudded back against the wall, as Myka once against buried her lips against her throat, “Jesus…you’re going to be the death of me.”

The elevator gave a small jostle as it came to a smooth stop at their floor. Myka tucked a hand into Helena’s, her other one reaching out for their bags, which had been swiftly dropped to the floor when the elevator doors had closed. She pulled Helena down the hall to their room, making quick work of the lock, tugging Helena into the room, before she let the door shut swiftly behind them. Their bags thudded against the floor, and once again Myka had Helena pressed firmly between her body and the wall, this time letting their lips crash together in a fevered rush. Helena’s nails scraped against Myka’s scalp, causing Myka to break the kiss, letting out a soft groan at the feeling. 

Myka tipped her hips forward, pressing Helena further against the wall, her lips picking up where they left off in the elevator, nipping and soothing against the skin beneath Helena’s ear, causing Helena’s hips to cant forward of their own accord. Helena dragged her nails down Myka’s back, “Do not tease me, Myka Bering.”

Myka’s fingers toyed with the hem of Helena’s shirt, her words coming out muffled against Helena’s neck, “Oh I have no intention teasing, Swagger. At least not right now.” She tugged Helena’s shirt off in one swift movement, flinging it out of sight. Her lips pulled at the skin where Helena’s neck and shoulder met, pulling an unending string of moans and gasps from Helena’s lips. Myka’s fingers shifted, easily popping the button of Helena’s jeans, creating barely enough space for her self-proclaimed intentions of not teasing. 

Helena let out a deeper, throatier moan as Myka’s fingers moved against her, even while Myka’s lips kept moving and chasing around her neck. She gripped tightly against Myka’s shoulders, certain her nails would leave imprints that were unlikely to disappear until well into the night, but she didn’t care, not when Myka’s fingers were setting a pace that was hard and fast and absolutely everything she had been needing from the moment she had watched Myka walk on stage hours before. It didn’t take long; Helena had been on the brink of collapse practically from the moment Myka had cornered her in the elevator, and so within minutes of Myka finally touching her, her fingers sank further into Myka’s shoulders as she broke apart, her teeth biting against one of the knuckles of Myka’s free hand in an effort to keep herself from screaming loud enough for their entire floor to hear. She had been thankful that Kelly had booked them rooms, but in that moment, she desperately wished they had been able to pick their own room, one that wasn’t surrounded by people on all sides who were extremely capable of hearing every sound through the woefully thin walls. 

Myka swallowed the rest of Helena’s gasps and near screams by bringing their lips together again, before Helena absolutely had to pull away in order to catch her breath. Helena slumped against the wall, relishing the fact that Myka’s hands were still against her. She grinned in a deliriously happy manner, “If you move, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stand.”

Myka chuckled, removing her hand from Helena’s jeans and shifting to grip her hands around Helena’s thighs, “I think I can do something about that.” She lifted Helena effortlessly, allowing Helena’s legs to wrap around her waist, carrying her the few scant feet to the bed, and setting her down swiftly, yet gently, lying their bodies out flush against each other.

Helena pushed Myka’s hair back from her temples, giving her a scrutinizing look, “Why do I have a feeling I have no idea what I’m in for this evening?”

Myka’s teeth flashed in a sinful, though devastating smile, just barely rolling her hips, though it was still enough pressure to pull a moan from Helena’s throat, “This is all I’ve been able to think about since you pulled me back into your damn dressing room…so it’s really all your fault.”

“Oh I’m not complaining darling. You have no idea how ridiculously sexy I find it when you’re like this. All worked up and wanting.”

Myka kissed her, quick and fierce, before pulling back again and whispering into her ear, letting her hips roll with a bit more purpose, “If you want to talk about ridiculously sexy…do you know how fucking hot I think you are when you’re out on stage? The way you move, the way you sound, Jesus…” she let her fingers curl and push against Helena’s hip, “I’ve wanted you from the second you stalked on stage tonight.”

Helena gasped as her hips twitched up to meet Myka’s, “It’s always my _swagger_ isn’t it?”

“Your swagger is wildly distracting and without a doubt the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced, and now…” Myka shifted in order to press a line of kisses down Helena’s sternum, whispering against her skin, “No more talking. I have far too many plans for talking.”

Helena’s chuckle caught around another gasp as Myka’s teeth traced against her ribs, “Whatever you want my love.”

Myka rested her chin against Helena’s stomach, arching an eyebrow at her, smirk playing at her lips, “Are you sure about that Swagger?”

Helena traced a finger down Myka’s jaw, rolling her hips once again, “Oh darling…I am absolutely positive.”

**

The sound of Myka’s phone jarred them both out of sleep as the morning hours were quickly threatening to creep into afternoon. Myka tightened her grip around Helena’s waist as she reached her free hand out for her phone, while Helena nestled her head further against Myka’s shoulder, eyes remaining adamantly closed. Myka looked at her screen, whispering, “It’s Tracy.”

“Tell her I’m keeping you trapped in bed and you have no energy to talk,” Helena mumbled.

Myka’s chest vibrated with silent laughter, “I am very close to being tired enough to actually say that. However, I don’t exactly feel like giving my sister a lifetime of ammunition.” She kissed Helena’s head and answered the call, “Hey Trace.”

“You, big sister, are on my television. Your nephew is wildly confused, and I would like to know why the _news_ had to tell me you were in St. Louis.”

Myka sighed and settled back into bed, fingers tracing up and down Helena’s spine, “It was all kind of last minute. The news, huh?” Helena’s head lifted from Myka’s shoulder, brow knit immediately in question and concern. Myka gave her a soft smile, kissing the lines of her forehead softly. 

Tracy’s voice pulled back Myka’s attention, “The news, the internet, it’s kind of everywhere. People seem to be hoping and praying that this is a sign of your comeback or something, and I won’t even bother telling you all the hoopla around you and Helena. I’ll simply say this, people seem to think you’re both quite cute.”

“Well, I think I’ll take cute. God knows they could say much worse.”

“You sound completely calm about this. Somehow, _I_ feel exasperated and you’re over there all zen.”

“I guess I just kind of expected that it would happen…so I’m not super shocked or anything. Plus…” Myka’s eyes trailed down to where Helena was eyeing her with a look of worry. Myka gave her a small grin, mouthing, “It’s ok,” before returning her attention to Tracy, “Let’s just say it’s kind of hard to care given that I’m still in bed and it’s very difficult to be _exasperated_ about anything at the moment.”

“Ok, well now I get it, she’s lulled you into some sort of sex trance. You’re simply too exhausted to care about anything else, right?” Myka groaned, bringing a hand up to rub at her forehead, but Tracy soldiered on, “Put me on speaker.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Apparently, I _am_ exhausted, because somehow I’m willing to do that.” Myka did as Tracy requested, “Ok, Trace, go ahead.”

“Helena, unhand my sister, I don’t know what to do with her when she’s this calm.” 

Helena chuckled, fingers gripping around Myka’s waist, “I am sorry to inform you Tracy, but I am woefully incapable of doing that at the moment.”

Tracy’s tone was playful, though there was still an undercurrent of worry present, “You two are far too much for me to handle I think.”

“Well, if that’s the case, you can hang up and let us go back to bed,” Helena teased.

Tracy sighed, “I suppose I can do that. Myka, call me later, when you’re a little less…distracted? Is that the right word here?”

Myka smiled softly, “I think it applies, and yes, I’ll call you later, I promise.”

“Good. Enjoy your _bed_ gals.”

“God,” Myka groaned, “Goodbye Trace.”

Tracy’s laughter lilted through the phone, “Bye.”

Myka tossed her phone back onto the nightstand, feeling Helena’s eyes boring into her back. She sighed, rolling onto her side to face Helena, “You’re worrying.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Can you blame me?”

Myka gave her a small, half-smile, “I suppose not.”

“Does it bother you? The coverage? The attention? Myka…you know that this won’t end now…”

Myka watched as Helena’s face devolved into the look she got when she was ready to panic. Myka lifted a finger up to smooth down the bridge of her nose, watching the lines retreat under her touch, “I was fully aware of what would happen if I stepped on that stage last night, Helena, and I still made the decision to do it, and _no_ , before you even ask, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it one, single ounce. I love that we got that moment together, and a little press coverage is not going to make me wish it away.”

“You’ve worked so hard to stay out of the path of all this and I’m just dragging you back into it.”

Myka inched forward, catching Helena’s lips in a swift kiss, “You aren’t _dragging_ me anywhere. I am willingly walking into it with you. You know me, Helena, I don’t do anything I don’t want to, _even_ when it comes to you. So please…stop worrying. We have all day together, and I don’t want you to spend it with this look on your face, like you’re waiting for me to fall apart. I’m not going to.”

It had taken Helena over a year and a half to figure out when to push and when to simply trust that Myka’s words weren’t deflections or attempts to cover up what she was actually feeling. It had taken over a year and a half for her to realize that somewhere along the way Myka had _stopped_ hiding anything from her, and simply offered herself up completely open and honest, without question. The look in Myka’s eyes told her that she absolutely meant it when she said she was ok, that it was alright, and so Helena smiled and leaned forward to kiss her softly, “You never cease to amaze me.”

“One of my many talents Swagger.”

Helena’s eyes flashed with a teasing gleam while her fingers began a slow dance down Myka’s thigh, “I am well aware of your _talents_ darling.”

Myka chuckled, “You know…at some point we will need to get out of bed.”

Helena grinned, pressing her lips against Myka’s neck, “Maybe…but not yet.”

**

Eventually, they did get out of bed, though the process was slow and stilted, filled with distractions and failed attempts. What finally convinced them was a text from Claudia telling them they were planning a trip to the Gateway Arch in an hour, if they were willing and able to join. They had decided that despite the temptation of staying in bed, they should actually see the sunlight at some point, actually enjoy the city a little bit. 

As Myka stood at the top of the arch, peering out the windows at the water beneath them, she felt Helena’s arms slip around her waist, as Helena rose up on her tiptoes to rest her chin against her shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek, “I’m not sure I’ve mentioned how glad I am that you’re here. That you drove all the way here so that we could have even these few moments.”

Myka wound her arms over where Helena’s lay against her stomach, leaning her head back onto Helena’s shoulder, “Every second of the drive was worth it.” Myka tilted her head to the side, catching Helena’s lips in a small kiss, “I love you.”

Helena smiled, though her eyes remained closed, “I love you too darling.”

“Hey! Love birds!” Claudia called from across the room, “Get over here. Picture time.”

Helena chuckled, “Was the drive worth our friends’ insanity?”

Myka grinned, “Absolutely.”

**

Later that night, as the moonlight drifted across the strewn bed sheets that were barely covering them, Helena’s voice filtered through the silence that had been surrounding them, “I wish you weren’t leaving in the morning. I mean I know you have to…”

Myka held Helena tighter to her chest, kissing her temple, “I know. The last two days have felt a bit like a dream.”

Helena tilted her head back, pressing firm lips against Myka’s, feeling a fresh wave of desire flow across her skin, “Shall I give you a little more proof that this most certainly _hasn’t_ been a dream, darling?”

Myka chuckled, “Do you really need to ask?”

**

The next morning, as the city limits of St. Louis were nothing more than shadows in the rearview mirror of the car, Amanda reached out and entwined her hand with Myka’s, giving it a small squeeze. Myka glanced over to the passenger side of the car to see small tears trickling out from behind Amanda’s sunglasses. Myka squeezed Amanda’s fingers tightly, “Hey…what’s wrong?”

Amanda waved her free hand distractedly, “Nothing, it’s nothing. God, I’m being so stupid.”

“It’s not nothing. Hey, come on, you can talk to me. What is it?”

A deep sigh left Amanda’s chest, “I just keep thinking...this is what our life is now. Summers with scant road trips, a few days here and there, never having them home.”

Myka bit the corner of her lip. She didn’t want to give Amanda some trite cliché about how they would get used to it, about new normals and routines. She rubbed her thumb across Amanda’s knuckles, “This is a very small piece of the very large puzzle that all of our lives are now. Yes, there will be tours, but it won’t be every summer. There will be inevitable breaks. Eventually, there will be summers off and summers where you can take bigger chunks of time off and go out on the road with him for weeks at a time. Just because those things aren’t possible right now, doesn’t mean they won’t be possible ever.”

Amanda’s lips twitched in the barest hint of a smile, “I know. Deep down, I know that. I just hate that I already miss him.”

“You know I know that feeling.”

“These are the people we love though, right? So, we do what we have to.”

“Something like that…though it doesn’t have to sound as despairing as that.”

Amanda sighed, “I know. I’m being dramatic, I’m sorry.”

Myka squeezed Amanda’s hand again, “Don’t apologize because you aren’t being dramatic. You’re being honest. You don’t think that Helena and I had a very dramatic, very teary goodbye earlier? We’re all learning how our relationships work in all of this, and sometimes it’s going to be really easy, and other times it’s going to be hard as hell.”

“Please don’t hate me for saying this, but I don’t know how you’re doing this again.”

Myka sighed, “When I first met Helena, it was that thought that kept me from just diving in and loving her right from the start. Somewhere along the way though…I realized that loving her…having her love me…it was worth every ounce of insanity and difficulty because she makes my life feel like it’s finally where it needs to be, even if that includes tours and attention and fame. Helena is the absolute exception to every rule I had given myself after Sam, and I know that even though right now, in this moment, this feels so hard, Amanda…I know that’s exactly how you feel about Pete too.”

Amanda finally smiled fully, “I couldn’t imagine my life without him.”

“And _that_ is why we drive across the country and why you are the first person he calls in the morning and why Helena makes us run together and why we fight like hell to _make this work_. No matter what.”

Amanda nodded, wiping away the last of her tears, looking in the mirror at the retreating city that still held Pete and Helena and so much of their lives. Amanda took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, “No matter what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the setlist for the tour at the end of the next chapter, once the tour is finally over. We're almost done! Which seems crazy...thank you all for continuing to read!


	22. Still Into You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the tour concludes, but not without a little bit of final chaos. Between unexpected announcements, birthdays, fights, and a few distracting interludes...it ends up being one hell of a final taste of summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...finally...the tour ends...and we inch very, very close to the end. 
> 
> Song for this is, of course, Paramore. I couldn't exactly write this story and not use this song.
> 
> Enjoy! And as ever, thank you all for reading.

_The Warehouse, Colorado Springs, early August 2012_

Mornings like these were becoming rare in Myka’s life. She had known when she opened the studio that this would happen, that something would have to give, and though she hated to admit it, her shifts at The Warehouse were the things that most easily lifted out. She was still involved, that hadn’t changed, final decisions were still hers, and there were certain orders that only she could handle, but when it came to the everyday, run of the mill, hourly shifts that once took up so much of her time, they just weren’t as feasible now as they once were. 

She still, always, without fail, made time for Hugo, because some things were sacrosanct, and he was more than willing to adapt to her schedule so that they never missed their weekly visit, but mornings like this, with the bell over the door keeping up a steady pace, customers milling through the aisles, casual conversations over the counter, the general ebb and flow of a typical Warehouse morning, they just weren’t as much a part of her daily life anymore. If she was being honest, some weeks she missed it viscerally, the calm rhythm of that daily schedule, but she also couldn’t deny that she loved what she was doing now. She was growing to love the spontaneity, the flexibility of it all, and most importantly, between the studio, writing and scouting for the label, and the store, she felt like she was finally, fully tapping into every level of passion that she had for this life, for her music. That reality made her feel _full_ , like she was no longer holding anything back, no longer keeping ideas and words and hopes hidden inside of herself all for the sake of keeping her life simple. Slowly, Myka Bering was growing to love a little bit of complication in her life, to love the rhythm and routine that came from not really have a set rhythm and routine.

Despite that though, despite not minding the complication and the chaos of her life, she still did relish these few mornings that she got when life slowed down and let her breathe. Sometimes though, the complication found a way to creep into the simple, which happened to be the case on this particular morning.

Myka was finalizing details on an order for one of her regular customers when the phone rang. She watched Leena out of the corner of her eye grab the call, answering in the bright, light-hearted way that Myka had come to realize and adore was simply Leena being, well, Leena, “Good morning, The Warehouse, this is Leena.”

Myka turned her attention back to her computer, but she could see the look Leena shot her, the way her brows furrowed just the slightest bit. Myka gave her a questioning look, but Leena simply shook her head and returned her attention to the caller, her tone frosted over with the tiniest edge, “May I ask who is calling?” Myka’s muscles tensed because she knew that tone. She watched as Leena bit back a sigh and rolled her eyes, “I’m sorry, but Miss Bering isn’t here at the moment. Can I take a message?” Myka watched as Leena very much _didn’t_ take a message, giving the caller a terse, “Thank you for calling,” before she hung up and her mood shifted immediately back into something more recognizable to Myka, something soft and warm and maybe a little bit concerned.

Myka let out a sigh, “Let me guess…another reporter?”

Leena grimaced, “You’d think by now they’d have gotten the message that neither you nor H.G. are interested in commenting on, well, anything.”

Myka groaned, “Thank you for fending them off. I am so sorry that you have had to field these calls. They seem to think that eventually, simply by pure, dumb luck they’re going to get me on the phone and I’m simply going to spill every one of Helena and I’s secrets just like that.”

“You know that everyone here has your back Myka. You don’t need to apologize. We will do whatever we can to keep these people at bay. That guy was lucky it was me and not Will answering the phone, he’s taken to acting really confused when people call and saying he’s never heard of you before.”

Myka’s laughter was warm and full. Though it had been hard to hand over the reins of the store, to let pieces of her dream be held in other people’s hands, she had come to learn, rather quickly, that the staff she had assembled to replace herself and Claudia were all diligent, passionate, and fiercely loyal, which it was becoming evident was a trait she desperately needed. She had done her best to hire people who shared her passion for the work that The Warehouse did, the service she felt it provided. Before she knew it, she had populated the store with artists from The Regents who were trying to find their way in town. She knew that it might lead to a higher amount of turn over but she didn’t particularly care if it meant having a staff that really cared about what they were doing. She had even started reinstating some of the late night hours, opening up the stage in the back for people to practice. She knew that the band would never truly be able to take up their place at the back of the store again. If they did, the sidewalks would be thronged with people, and that was a chaos none of them needed. Still she didn’t like the idea of the stage remaining vacant, so she had put up a couple of pictures of the band from their early days as a way to mark the time, honor that they were the first to grace that tiny, little stage and she had given it over to others whom she thought could possibly use the stage as their own stepping stone to greater things. She and Leena had been talking more and more with Vanessa about the possibility of starting their own open mic night, something that might work in conjunction with The Regents, but those conversations were still in their early stages, though it didn’t keep Myka from holding out hope for their potential. 

Myka sighed, “I wish there was a way that we could screen those calls, but it’s hard…we have customers who call from all over…”

Leena reached out and wrapped a warm hand around Myka’s wrist, “Myka, trust that all of us have this. It’s not a big deal. Let me handle it, that’s what you hired me for.”

“I didn’t hire you to be my publicist.”

Leena rolled her eyes, “No, but you _did_ hire me to manage this place, and managing the phones is part of that. Managing the fact that the co-owners of this place are insanely popular is also part of it. You might not realize it, but you aren’t the only one who gets calls. I’m fending them off for Claudia too,” Myka went to open her mouth, strike some rebuttal, but Leena pushed on, “ _and_ I’m happy to do it. Please…” she squeezed Myka’s wrist, “just trust me.”

Myka reached out and pulled Leena into a quick hug, “You are too good to me, and I have no idea what I did to deserve you.”

“You pay me well,” Leena teased. Myka chuckled and rolled her eyes, but Leena just squeezed her a little tighter, for a little longer, “I _am_ happy to do it, Myka. I love this place, and I love all of you, so it’s worth it.”

Myka pulled out of Leena’s hold, but kept her hands against Leena’s shoulders, holding her at arms length. She gave her a deep smile, “I probably don’t say it enough, but I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everything you’re doing. Knowing that this place is in your hands…I just…I never imagined trusting someone other than Claudia with it, but I am so grateful, Leena, for you, for everything you’ve done…for everything you continue to do.”

Leena gave her a bright smile, “It is my pleasure. Now, I do believe I still have a bit more work to do, and,” she pointed a finger over Myka’s shoulder, “your next appointment is here.”

Myka swiveled in her chair in time to see her latest artist walk through the door. She shot him a quick wave, “Hey Zach.”

Myka had met Zach at an open mic in Denver two months ago. Much like Liam, Myka had known within the first fifteen seconds of listening to him play that with the right guidance and the right label, he could do incredible things. Unfortunately, because the situation was _so much like Liam_ , Jack and Rebecca had taken some convincing. They were hesitant to sign too many artists that seemed cut from the same cloth, claiming that at the moment, St. Secord’s didn’t need another guy with another guitar. Liam’s album was still doing remarkably well, his tour selling out consistently all summer, and he was set to release his second album early in the fall. They didn’t want to run the risk of signing someone like him and be forced to divide the resources that they really wanted to devote to Liam, having already heard some of the material he was preparing for his second album. They believed it would be better than the first, and so did Myka, having been privy to some of the early tapes, and so they didn’t want anything to distract from his progress. 

Myka had convinced them to let her scout one more show, certain that Zach _was not_ Liam, not entirely. Trusting her instincts, Jack and Rebecca gave her the go-ahead and it was that second show that made all the difference. Zach had come on stage without his guitar, and instead settled himself behind a piano, churning out an entirely different set from what he had played the first time Myka had seen him. This time everything was stripped down and smooth, there was heartbreak and there was passion, but it sounded completely different from when Liam did it. She had recorded a couple of songs, and sent them to Jack and Rebecca immediately. Once they saw the video all that convincing went out the window. Rebecca had texted Myka before she had even left the club, _“He reminds us of you...”_ Myka had rolled her eyes at that, although, in the back of her mind, she had had the same thought. His lyrics were very akin to things she had written, and his approach to music was intimately familiar. 

Myka had known without a doubt that if St. Secord signed him, she wanted to produce his album, and thankfully Jack and Rebecca had agreed immediately. Zach brought a different perspective to the label, and already Jack and Rebecca were figuring out how they could get him and Liam on the same tour next summer, because between the two of them they were sure they had a juggernaut. 

At their first production meeting, he had come fully prepared with journals full of songs, but he had also been willing to write with Myka, something that had been extremely successful so far, but what really excited Myka was the fact that Zach was finally someone that she and Helena both agreed could use some of their music, particularly the songs that were in no way suited to the band. It had become evident to them over the summer that while some of their songs suited the band well, most of what they wrote simply didn’t fit, and they had wondered if their lyrics would just languish away in journals, never to be appreciated by anyone other than themselves. When Myka had played Zach’s demo for Helena, Helena had immediately and excitedly declared that she wanted him to play their stuff, and thankfully Myka could not have agreed more. 

As he moved towards the counter, Zach hitched his bag higher on his shoulder, “Hey lady. Hi Leena.” The smile that he leveled at Leena was the same smile Myka had been witnessing every time Zach came to The Warehouse when Leena was working, and she was starting to wonder if the store was simply some sort of weird, romantic Bermuda triangle, because she was certain it wouldn’t be long before those smiles turned into something more.

“Hey Zach,” Leena flashed him a coy smile, but quickly turned back to her work despite the blush creeping into her cheeks. 

Zach’s eyes drifted to the floor for the briefest of seconds in a flash of nervous embarrassment, before he recovered and slumped against the counter, giving Myka a cocky smile, “I gotta say, I kept waiting for you to cancel on me. I figured you’d be halfway to Albuquerque by now, ready to get your birthday hoopla with your gal started early.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “We had this scheduled, I wouldn’t bail on you like that. Plus…” she blushed slightly, “the band doesn’t get into town until late tonight anyway.”

Zach let out a booming laugh, “There it is! I knew it.” He took in the way Myka’s face fell in hesitant embarrassment, and quickly reached out and squeezed her hands, “I’m teasing you. _You know_ I’m teasing you, so save the puppy dog eyes for H.G.”

Myka groaned, “Now I may cancel on you just because you’re annoying.”

Zach winked, “I am, but I also happen to be awesome, and you love my music…so…”

Myka chuckled, and pointed a finger towards the stairs, “So let’s get to it.”

Zach bumped his shoulder into Myka’s as they wandered up the stairs, giving her a genuine smile, “So, no teasing, are you excited about your trip?”

Myka couldn’t help her grin, “I am. I have no idea what we’re doing, because Helena is nothing if not insistent about keeping birthday plans secret, but that just kind of makes me more excited.”

“Good. I promise I’ll try and not keep you so you can get on the road.”

“Hey, no. We have a session scheduled and that takes however long it takes. I’m not skipping out on you, so stop worrying about it.”

“Whatever you say boss.”

It’d only been a month; Myka had started working with Zach the week after she had wrapped Sally and Phillip’s album, but she had known from their very first session that this was how it was supposed to feel. Their relationship came naturally. It was comfortable and it had worked right from the beginning. He took her guidance and he was willing to speak up. He defended his music, but he didn’t push back against criticism. He was flexible and he knew the right moments to take their work seriously and when it was ok to let loose. From the moment they had started recording, Myka _knew_ this was what she had been looking for, this was what and how she wanted to produce. She didn’t go to the studio with an impending sense of doom that something would go wrong. She didn’t feel on edge about what curveballs she might get thrown. She just felt excited. Excited to work and create and see what they could come up with. It also didn’t hurt that Zach loved Helena, and she very much felt the same about him. They had met briefly when Helena had been home on break, and they had clicked instantly. At this point, Myka was certain that Helena talked to him more than she did, because somehow Zach had sensed in Helena someone he could bounce ideas off of and go to for advice. All of it had made Myka realize just how much of a burden working with Sally had been, how much Sally had been a weight on her shoulders, not just because of the issues she created when they were working, but because of everything with Helena. Myka knew she never wanted to deal with that kind of pressure and uncertainty again, even if it meant passing by working with artists who were talented. It wasn’t worth it. Music, making music, should be fun, even when it was tough, and never again did she want to work with anyone that made it as painful and as trying as Sally had over the last year; a fact that, though she never said it out loud, Myka could tell Helena was exceedingly glad about.

**

Six hours later found both Myka and Zach exhausted and yet exuberant. His album was becoming a labor of love, one that would be slow in fully developing, but each of them knew that the final product would end up being all the better for the intentional work they were putting into it. Myka loved that he was diligent and yet willing to experiment and toy around with new ideas. It brought a new level of creativity out of her, knowing that she was _finally_ working with someone who completely trusted her with his music and was willing to see what they could create together. 

They both sat slumped against the couch in the crash room listening to playback, each making notes for their next session. When the music ran out, Myka looked over at him, “Want to compare notes?”

“Nope.” Myka’s eyebrows rose in surprise, but Zach just laughed and slapped a hand against her knee, “We can compare notes next week, because _you_ need to get on the road.”

Myka glanced down at her watch and grimaced, “Yikes, yeah, I do.”

“How long is the drive?”

“About five hours, probably a little more with traffic. They should be getting in from Dallas around ten so I’ve got plenty of time.”

Zach stood, pulling Myka up with him and giving her a quick hug, “Have a good time. Tell H.G. I said hi.” He gave her an extra squeeze, “And happy birthday boss.”

Myka chuckled, “Thank you.”

**

“I _fucking hate traffic_ ,” Myka bit out the second that she answered Helena’s call three hours into her drive that found her still well over three hours from Albuquerque. 

Myka could tell Helena was trying to stifle her laughter, trying to keep her voice level and normal, “Hello to you too love.”

Myka groaned, “You’re laughing now, but just wait until you hear what time I’m supposed to get in now.”

The effect was instantaneous, Helena’s voice becoming smaller, not so teasing, “I probably don’t even want to know do I?”

“Probably not.”

“Should I leave your room key at the desk?”

Myka sighed, frustrated that their plans were already very much _not_ going according to plan, frustrated that Helena was most likely and justifiably going to be asleep by the time she got in, “Yeah, that would probably be easiest.”

“Ok, just drive carefully, Myka. You will get here and we will have plenty of time.”

“I know…”

“You realize I can perfectly picture the frustrated look you have on your face right now, right?”

Myka chuckled, “I do.”

“Well, there is little need for it, adorable though it may be. I just want you to get here in one piece, regardless of what time you arrive.”

“I know, which means I should probably get off the phone so I’m not so distracted.”

“Probably a good idea. Call me when things thin out a bit.”

“Will do. I love you.”

“I love you too darling. Drive safe.”

**  
It took seven and a half hours, seven and a half hours of hellacious traffic, but finally, well after one in the morning, Myka walked into their hotel room. Helena had called her around 12:30 and told her that she was going to at least lay down. The band had a radio interview early in the morning, and if she was being honest, she was starting to fully feel the effects of being on the road. Her body rarely felt like it was fully awake anymore, except for those few hours on stage, and after that she was always more than ready for sleep. Myka had told her it was normal, that the wear and tear of the road brought an inevitable exhaustion, and encouraged her to sleep as much as she could, with the promise that the week after the tour, they would stay in bed doing nothing but reading, watching movies, and sleeping as much as Helena needed to. 

Myka tried her best to ease the door shut as quietly as possible. She smiled to see that Helena had left the bathroom light on for her so that she wasn’t immediately doused in darkness. She debated going through her usual nightly routine, but the drive had worn her out and all she wanted was to be under the covers, next to Helena as quickly as possible. She dropped her bag in the closet by the door and then slipped off her shoes, slid out of her jeans, and quickly finagled her bra out from under her shirt; that was about as ready for bed as she was going to get. She tiptoed into the adjoining room to find Helena curled up, completely asleep in bed. That sight alone, the mere image of her, brought an unmistakable lightness into Myka’s chest. She didn’t know how that happened, how even after almost two years of Helena just being a part of her daily life, she still managed to make everything for Myka ebb and shift into something serene and calm the second she saw her. She let a deep breath fill her chest, realizing that what she felt was _at home_. It didn’t matter that she was in a hotel in New Mexico, it didn’t matter that the bed would probably be a little lumpy and the pillows would smell like detergent, what mattered was that Helena was there. Helena was her home, plain and simple. She eased the sheets back, attempting to slip under them as quietly as possible. She felt Helena stir, and used the opportunity to slide next to her, wrapping a light arm around her waist, and nestling her head against Helena’s neck. 

It was all the movement necessary to rouse Helena just the barest amount from sleep, her voice coming out thick and drowsy, “Myka?”

Myka placed a light kiss to the back of Helena’s neck, “It’s me.”

“What time is it?”

“Somewhere around 1:30. I’m sorry I took so long.”

Helena stretched and turned swiftly in Myka’s arms, eyes cracking open to get one tiny glimpse of Myka before allowing herself to slip back into sleep. Helena smiled and pressed a light, warm kiss to Myka’s smile, “Hi.”  
Myka chuckled softly, “Hey you.” 

Myka ran a hand lightly down Helena’s back, as Helena tucked herself further against Myka’s body. Helena’s voice came out as a vibration against Myka’s skin, “This reminds me of the days before the house, after we shared keys, when one of us would get home late and try to avoid waking the other up.”

“And failing miserable every time,” Myka finished the thought for her.

Helena tipped her head up to kiss the underside of Myka’s jaw, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

They laid in silence for a few passing moments and Myka felt sleep dragging at her consciousness, and she wanted nothing more than to give into its call and rest, but Helena’s voice pulled her away again, “You said it was 1:30?”

Myka nodded, “I did.”

Helena tilted her head up, catching Myka’s lips in a deeper kiss. When she pulled away she whispered, “Happy birthday my love.”

Myka smiled. It was her birthday, it had been for an hour and a half, and in that moment, with the warmth of Helena’s skin seeping through her shirt, with the slow, evening out of Helena’s breathing as sleep called to her too, Myka couldn’t think of any better way to begin her thirtieth year than right here, in this bed, with this woman.

**

Myka had only vague memories of the early morning, of Helena trying as best as she could to get ready in the dark and in the quiet, the soft pattering of the water against the shower wall, the realization that she must have been completely exhausted because the thought of Helena in the shower wasn’t even enough to truly rouse her from sleep, the hushed tones of an exasperated “bloody hell” as Helena apparently stubbed her toe on her suitcase. _That_ was the one thing that was able to pull Myka’s attention enough to wake her up the barest amount. She let out the tiniest puff of a laugh at the quiet indignation in Helena’s voice before whispering out, “Are you ok over there?”

Helena let out a huff of frustration, “I’m sorry love, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Myka curled deeper into her pillow, “I’m not sure I’m really awake, but still…is your toe ok?”

Myka felt the bed dip next to her causing her to crack her eyes open to see Helena leaning next to her with a soft smile on her face. Helena reached a hand out and tucked Myka’s sleep-strewn curls behind her ear, “My toe is fine.”

Myka turned her head slightly to catch Helena’s palm that was resting against her cheek in a small kiss, “What time is it?”

Helena reached out and turned the alarm clock with its glaring red numbers away from Myka and leaned down to kiss her forehead, “It is far too early for me to even think about answering that question. Suffice it to say, it is early enough that you have plenty of time to go back to sleep birthday girl.”

Myka gave a small stifled yawn, nestling deeper into the warmth of the covers, “M’kay.” Helena chuckled and Myka drew an arm out from under the covers to curl around Helena’s waist and pull her closer, nestling her head against Helena’s thigh. She mumbled quietly, “I think you should stay.”

Helena’s fingers slid through Myka’s hair, “I wish I could my love. I won’t be gone long, and you’re going to fall back asleep so quickly that you’ll barely notice I’m gone.”

“I _always_ notice when you’re gone.”

Helena let out the tiniest of sighs, wondering if Myka was hovering enough between consciousness and sleep to truly know what she was saying. There was just something in Myka’s tone, in the way that she said those few words that sounded so small, almost sad, and Helena wondered if in Myka’s lack of total awareness she had let slip something that, if she was fully cognizant, she never would have said. Helena scratched her nails through Myka’s curls one more time, noticing that Myka’s breathing was already evening back out. She leaned down and left a lingering kiss to her cheek, “Sweet dreams my love.”

She extracted herself from the warmth and the comfort of the bed, of Myka. If it wasn’t for the complete quiet of their room, of the world outside, she might have missed the faint echo of Myka’s voice, whispering out, “Love you Swagger.” A rush of warmth, of adoration and love, and of an ardent desire to dive back headlong under the sheets to stay wrapped up in Myka, flowed through Helena’s body. It was true that every single time that Myka said those words to her something shifted and settled within her, a swift reminder of just how much Myka meant to her, but sometimes, sometimes when Myka said them, Helena’s reaction was so visceral that it felt like her entire being, every cell and atom in her body, was reacting to them, reaching out, responding to Myka. This was one of those times, as she couldn’t stop herself from turning and leaning against the wall, giving herself a few scant seconds to take in the vision that was Myka curled up and at peace, the barest hint of sunlight filtering through the curtains and reflecting across her body. She pushed off from the wall, tracing her steps back to the bed and leaning down one last time, leaving a lingering kiss to Myka’s temple and whispering, “I love you too.” Myka didn’t stir, but Helena could see the faintest hint of a smile curl at the corner of her lips, a sign that even in sleep, they simply always recognized the other.

**

When Helena got back to the hotel, she half-expected Myka to still be sleeping. Their interview had been exceedingly early, slotted into the prime rush hour of morning traffic, which meant that despite the early wake-up call, Helena was back at the hotel well before ten, leaving plenty of time for her and Myka to spend the morning together before they had to leave for the venue. Helena hadn’t exactly been pleased when she had seen the final tour schedule and realized that they had a show _on_ Myka’s birthday, but Myka had given her a coy smile and slid next to her on the couch, whispering in her ear that she couldn’t quite think of a better birthday present than getting to watch Helena on stage for a few hours. Helena had blushed, hot and fast, at the low timbre of Myka’s voice, and it had been enough to make the tour schedule flutter out of her hands and be forgotten for several, long, weighted minutes. Eventually though, as Myka lay still catching her breath against Helena’s chest, Helena had asked, with only the briefest of hesitations, if Myka was truly ok with her birthday celebrations being delayed because of a show. Myka had laughed softly, fingers dancing down Helena’s sternum, before propping herself up on an elbow to eye Helena with an incredulous look, “As long as I get to be with you, I don’t particularly care when or how we celebrate my birthday.”

It had been one of the first things that they had scheduled and planned for the summer. Myka had made sure that the store was covered, ensured that she didn’t schedule any recording sessions for the end of that week, and she had told Jack and Rebecca months in advance that she wouldn’t be around for a few days in August, that she absolutely, without question, needed to be in Albuquerque. It had given Helena some small peace of mind to know that even in the midst of the chaos and clutter of a tour, they were still able to make the important things a priority, that even though she wasn’t home, she wasn’t going to miss out on the things that mattered.

Helena toed open their door as quietly as possible, only to be greeted with the sound of the television, a ready acknowledgement that Myka was awake. She let the door shut behind her without much care for the noise, in an effort to keep everything in her hands balanced. She found Myka very much awake, but still very much in bed in her pajamas, or the t-shirt that had served as her pajamas the night before, her curls adorably askance, as she lay completely sprawled out reading her book. Helena couldn’t stop her light laughter, “Well, don’t you look comfortable?”

Myka arched an eyebrow at her over her glasses, “It’s my birthday, I am completely allowed to be lazy.”

Helena grinned, trying desperately to not be distracted by the enticing vision of Myka’s very bare, very long legs stretched out, barely covered by the sheets. She forced her eyes to return to Myka’s, to try to subtly clear her throat, but she knew Myka heard every second of it, could tell by the smirk Myka gave her as she curled her legs back under the covers that Myka knew _exactly_ what she was thinking. Helena sat next to her on the bed, placing a light kiss to her waiting lips, “You are absolutely entitled to as much laziness as you’d like darling.”

“Thank you.”

Helena extracted one of the cups of coffee from the holder she had carried in and had set on the nightstand, handing it over to Myka with a small smile, “Consider this a woefully small beginning to your birthday presents.”

Myka took a deep breath, breathing in the heady, thick waft of her Americano, letting out a small sigh of contentment, “Honestly…this could be all you get me and I think I’d be happy.”  
Helena chuckled, “I suppose that means I can simply throw the rest of your gifts away then. Who knew you were so easily pleased?”

Myka gave her a teasing smirk, “There’s a question I’m not going to answer. So…thank you for this, and totally moving on. How was the interview?”

Helena gave a small pinch to Myka’s waist, “Wicked woman.” She kicked her shoes off and settled into bed next to Myka, pulling her tea out of the holder, “It was good. Honestly, at this point, all of them feel a bit the same. The same questions, the same answers, despite the fact that we try to not have that be the case. Although, people are starting to ask about a new album so it’s giving us a little something new to talk about.”

“Yeah, they all tend to run together at a certain point. How is the planning coming? For the new album that is.”

“Good, _really good_ , actually. I think we’ve sketched out a rough track listing. It seems this album will be a bit longer than our first; we’re bumping up to thirteen tracks, which Kelly said was reasonable. Claudia is, of course, ready to just get back to recording, which I’m sure has as much to do with Fargo as it does with her natural enthusiasm, but Kelly is insistent that we don’t do anything until October. She is adamant that we take all of September off, which I, for one, deeply appreciate.”

Myka grinned, “That makes two of us. Kelly’s right though, you need that break. If you just get home and get right back in the studio, none of you will ever feel like you had any recovery time from this summer, and you’ll end up more exhausted than you are now.”

“I thought similarly. I’m quite looking forward to doing absolutely nothing for as long as possible.”

Myka chuckled, “You’re not bailing on our vacation are you?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “ _Yes_ , that is _precisely_ my intention, to bail on the vacation we’ve been planning for months, to simply tell you that I’m no longer looking forward to one of the things that has been helping me get through the hardest parts of this summer.”

“Sassy this morning…and on my birthday too,” Myka teased.

Helena pulled Myka’s coffee out of her hand, setting both of their drinks down on the nightstand, before leaning over Myka with a playful grin, nipping at her earlobe, “You are absolutely insufferable.”

Myka’s laughter came out a bit muffled, a little husky, “So you have told me on countless occasions.”

“Whatever am I going to do with you?”

Myka furrowed her brow in mock consideration, “Well…for starters you _could, possibly,_ consider giving me a proper birthday kiss…now that we’re both fully awake.”

Helena gave her a teasing smirk, “I _suppose_ I could do that.”

“Well, if it’s going to be a burden…”

Myka didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence, her lips immediately caught by Helena’s in a lingering, heady kiss, one pulsing with an undercurrent of the promise of more. Helena pulled away to let Myka catch her breath, whispering in her ear, “Somehow I’m certain I can do better than just a birthday kiss.”

**

Helena had been insistent about letting Myka decide how they spent whatever free minutes they had for the day, refusing to be deterred by the fact that there were things like sound check and show prep to be concerned with. Myka had tried convincing her that it wasn’t a big deal, that they were celebrating the next day and that was enough, but Helena was relentless, demanding that Myka choose how they spent their time. When Myka had told her that she was perfectly content with ordering room service for lunch and remaining firmly entrenched in bed, right where they were, Helena had given her an incredulous look and declared that they certainly had enough time to do something a bit more involved than that, but Myka was adamant. She had pulled Helena closer to her, tugged the covers over their heads, and given her an almost embarrassed smile, her voice coming out as a hesitant whisper, “What if…what if I told you that I know that we could do whatever we wanted, that I know we have an entire city we could go out and explore, but that all I really want to do is stay here with you? What if I told you that what I miss the most about you being home are the quiet moments of us just being together, without really _doing_ anything, and that really all I want for my birthday is that? To just have it be us and the quiet? All I really want is to order up some food, sit on the balcony with you, maybe read a little bit, and honestly? Just be able to enjoy the fact that you’re right there next to me.”

Helena joked that she felt as though she was a rather sorry excuse for a thirtieth birthday present, but that only served to make Myka’s eyes darken and steel into that certain kind of heated determination that made Helena’s bloodstream flood with want as Myka told her in no uncertain terms that Helena was all she wanted, plain and simple, that she could think of no better gift than that, for them to just be together for more than a few hours at a time. 

After that, it had taken a fair amount of time to actually get around to ordering lunch, but eventually they did, and the afternoon proceeded exactly as Myka desired. The minutes passed in pleasant slowness as they both soaked in the comfortable heat of the sun on the balcony, with few words passing between them as they shared the chaise lounge, both reading their books, with absolutely no communication needed except for the steady rhythm of Helena’s fingertips over Myka’s forearm, and Myka’s fingers filtering through Helena’s hair. Eventually, Helena broke the silence, “We need to head out soon.”

Myka kissed the top of her head, “I’m ready whenever you are.”

Helena stood slowly, allowing her muscles to stretch from so long in one position. Before she could step away, Myka’s hand wrapped around her wrist, “Hey…”

Helena gave her a questioning look, “What is it love?”

Myka’s smile was winsome and bright, “Nothing…just…thank you. This _was_ really all I wanted today…”

Helena leaned down and kissed her softly, “It has been rather perfect. It’s felt…well…it’s felt quite like home.”

“Which is pretty much the best birthday I could ask for.”

**

Myka felt the lingering contentment of their day starting to ebb as she sat in Helena’s dressing room, the minutes ticking ever closer to show time. She knew she needed to say something, because eventually it would be too late, and she didn’t know what Helena was thinking, but she certainly knew what she was thinking herself, but she had no idea how to actually articulate it. The reality was, after St. Louis, they had never talked about _how this would go_ in other cities. Myka knew that Helena had said that it never had to happen again, yet she couldn’t help but wonder if there wasn’t just an assumption that it would. Though admittedly, she knew that was most likely more in her own head than actually what Helena was thinking, but she simply couldn’t find the right words to actually figure out what _was_ going on in Helena’s mind. 

In the way that only Helena could, Helena seemed to read her mind and push her just enough to help get the words flowing. Helena shot her a quick look in the mirror, catching her eye where she was sitting on the couch, “You look like you’re deep in thought over there darling.”

Myka tried to smile, but knew it came out more like a grimace, “I’m just…well, I may be in need of some untangling.”

Helena’s eyes returned to focusing on her mirror, on getting ready, but Myka could tell that her attention was acutely attuned on the conversation, “What do you need untangled?”

“How exactly we’re going to go about _this_? I mean, I don’t know what you’re expectations are with me being here, or what anyone’s expectations are really, and we never really talked about it, and I don’t want to disappoint…”

“Myka…” Helena’s words stalled Myka’s sentences which were quickly devolving out of control. Helena turned in her chair, eyes blazing with a fire Myka had only seen on scant occasions, “You’re rambling, and you don’t need to be.” Helena stood and moved to sit next to Myka on the couch, hand immediately coming up to palm Myka’s cheek, “My expectations for tonight are precisely _zero_. I did not, _do not_ , expect anything from you tonight, no one does, and even if they did, I do not care, and neither should you. I would never want you to feel like you were being pressured into something you don’t want to do. I told you in St. Louis, if that was a one time thing, then that was perfectly good by me. You want to do it again, you say the word, but I, for one, am certainly not going to put that kind of pressure on you.”

Myka’s fingers flowing back and forth over the top of Helena’s hand, “I think, for tonight, I’d kind of just like to enjoy the show…”

“Then that’s what you are going to do, plain and simple.”

Myka bit her lip, “I feel kind of guilty.”

“Oh Myka,” Helena chuckled, smoothing a thumb over Myka’s cheekbone, “my darling, stubborn Myka, you have _nothing_ to feel guilty about. As I said, you owe nothing to anyone, certainly not to me. No one will question your decision whatsoever, whether you are on stage or in the wings, all they will truly care about is whether or not where you are is _what you want_.”

Myka let out a small sigh, “Ok, I just…”

Helena shook her head with an incredulous smile, “No ‘I justs’ love. You don’t need to justify this to me. I’m telling you, without a doubt, that if you want nothing more than to be an adoring fan tonight than that is all I want too.”

Myka smirked, “You’re kind of incredible, you know that?”

“You _know_ that I know that darling,” Helena teased. 

Myka chuckled, but it died quickly, a look of worry stealing back into her eyes, “We will…eventually…need to talk about Denver.”

Helena nodded knowingly, “I know love, but for now, Denver is three weeks away, which means it is not something we need to discuss right now. For now, I want you to enjoy being here, enjoy the show, enjoy watching your incredibly attractive girlfriend sing for thousands of people on your birthday.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Wow…no ego there.”

“None whatsoever.” Helenea leaned down and kissed Myka softly, before pulling away and resting their foreheads together, “Please tell me you won’t spend all of tonight worrying.”

“I’ll try my best.”

Helena laughed softly, kissing the tip of Myka’s nose, “I think given the circumstances, that’s all I could ask for.”

**

The show was perfect. Myka couldn’t be sure, but she was almost certain Helena put a little something _extra_ , a little bit more sway and swagger, into her performance than usual, and Myka couldn’t help but wonder, and blush and thrill if she was being honest, at the idea that Helena was doing it purely because it was her birthday. Myka knew no one else would notice the little changes, the subtle things, the coy looks and the sidelong glances, but she noticed every single one, relishing the fact that each one felt like some small secret passing between them, each one its own tiny birthday present. 

Myka felt her assumptions were proven when Helena came off stage after the encore, and tugged her in by the hips, kissing her with a bit more reckless abandon than she usually did in front of quite so many people. Myka tried to ignore Pete’s whistling, tried to sink into the feeling of Helena’s lips against hers, but Pete was insistent and _annoying_. Helena pulled away with a groan, “Peter, you are well aware that I hate you, correct?”

Myka chuckled as Pete smiled proudly, “Well aware H.G., well aware.”

Helena turned back to Myka with a smirk, “I’m ignoring him.” She pulled Myka closer, lowering her voice slightly, “Did you enjoy the show love?”

Myka flushed, “You can’t ask me that question in front of this many people.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, her voice light with playful curiosity, “Oh? And why is that?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You _know_ why.”

“Will you at least answer my question later?”

Myka slid an arm around Helena’s waist, slipping a tiny kiss to her ear and whispering, “You know I will.”

Claudia’s head popped between them, “Uh love birds? As much as we all _love_ to witness your disgusting displays of affection…if I’m not mistaken, we promised Myka a birthday dinner, which I have a feeling won’t be happening if we let you two continue your conversation any longer.”

Pete tugged Myka out of Helena’s hold, slinging an arm around her shoulders, “Claud is right, Mykes. Tonight…at least for a few hours, you are _ours_. So, what’s your pleasure?” Myka shot him a teasing look, causing him to blanche and stutter a bit, “You know what…I revoke that question. Rephrasing! Where do you want to go to dinner, birthday girl?”

Myka chuckled, “That Tex-Mex place by our hotel looked good.”

Pete squeezed her shoulder, “Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets. Let’s get out of here.”

They all started to filter out from backstage, but not before Myka could lean down to whisper once again in Helena’s ear, “Is Pete’s statement true for the _entire_ evening?”

Myka relished the blush that raced into Helena’s cheeks, the slight shiver that Myka felt run through her. Helena gave her a coy grin, “You…you are rather cheeky tonight, Myka Bering.”

“Did you expect anything else after that performance of yours tonight?”

Helena’s lips twitched in the tiniest of smirks, betraying the reality that she did in fact know exactly what she had been doing to Myka tonight, “I suppose not.”

“That’s what I thought. So…my question still stands…about Pete’s statement…”

Helena halted their steps and kissed her again, “What do _you_ think?”

**

Dinner was so close to feeling like they were at home that Myka didn’t really know how to process it. Thankfully, the media, the crowds, everyone who might have been inclined to pay the band any semblance of attention inexplicably left them alone. The restaurant gave them a table out on the back patio, with a full view of a crystal clear sky full of stars, the breeze flowing warm all around them. Liam had had a show in Sante Fe that night, but had driven down immediately after to meet up with them, and Pete somehow had convinced Amanda to stay up later than usual and Skype with them all through dinner. At first, Myka had no idea what he was doing when he pulled his laptop out at the table, but when Amanda’s face popped on screen, she wondered if she was simply going to burst into tears right there at the table, because it all felt so blissfully _normal_ , like all of the insanity of the summer had just melted away, leaving their little family to be right where they should be. 

The time slipped away in a haze of laughter and ease, their conversation flowing easily, as though they hadn’t spent any time apart, like nothing had changed, even though, they all knew that plenty _had_ changed over the past few months. It eased Myka’s mind more than she could describe to feel that, to feel as though all of them together, were still _them_ after the last few months. 

When Pete caught Claudia trying her best to stifle a yawn, he cleared his throat and tapped his fork against his glass, “So…before Claudia falls asleep on us over there…or before they kick us out of here…well…it is one of our birthdays, which means we have traditions to uphold, and as the best friend, I claim the right to Myka’s birthday toast this year.” He gave her a soft smile, taking a deep breath, “Mykes…I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are here, that despite the fact that all of our lives are insane right now, we are still able to have _this_ , our traditions, the things we do for each other, the way we hold this crazy, little family of ours together. For me, and I’m sure for everyone else, knowing that you were there tonight, watching us, I can’t tell you what that feels like. The way that you have loved and supported us, well…it’s worth a hell of a lot more than a toast on your birthday. Anyway,” he cleared his throat again in a vain effort to stem the wave of emotion that had already overtaken him. “There’s part of me that cannot believe that this is where we are, that it’s been _twelve years_ since you introduced yourself to me, because so much of the time I feel like we’re still those awkward eighteen year olds sitting on the quad having no idea what we are about to get into, but here we are, and let me just say that I cannot wait to see where the next twelve years take us. You, Mykes, are the best friend a guy could ask for. If I tried to thank you for all the reasons why that is, we’d never leave, and I’m pretty sure H.G. would kill me if that was the case, so I’ll simply say, I love you and happy birthday.”

Glasses clinked around the table as choruses of “happy birthday” filtered across the table, but Myka didn’t really hear much of it, too focused on unfolding herself from her seat, from the arm Helena had around her shoulder, and pulling Pete into as tight of a hug as she could manage. She gave a small sniffle, “I love you too. You know that right?”

Pete gave a watery chuckle as he squeezed her tightly, “I do…I always know that, Mykes.”

“Good.”

“Happy birthday tall gal.”

Myka placed a tiny kiss to his cheek, “Thank you Lattimer.”

**

“I must say, Peter never ceases to surprise me.”

Myka laughed softly, where she lay reclining back against Helena’s chest. When they got back from dinner, Helena had declared she wasn’t quite ready for sleep, and so Myka had tugged her back out onto the balcony to soak in a few more minutes of the quiet and the stars. Myka tilted her head back against Helena’s shoulder, catching her eye in a sidelong glance, “He is one of kind, there’s no denying that.”

“He just…I don’t know…sometimes it catches me off guard, because he is so willing to just be open and emotional. He’s never shy about it either, he just says it, and yet every time I am never expecting that from him.”

Myka let out a knowing chuckle, “He’s been like that since I’ve known him. It took some getting used to, and he always got so pissed at me, because I took me _a long time_ to be like that with him, but eventually he rubbed off on me. In a lot of ways, Pete is the one who finally broke me out of my emotional shell. Believe me, when I met him that was _not_ what I expected from him either.”

“Sometimes, I find myself wondering what you two were like when you were eighteen, what it would have been like to know you then. I’ll confess that in some quite irrational ways I’m a little envious that Peter has known you that long.”

Myka tilted her head further back to kiss the underside of Helena’s jaw, “Trust me, me at eighteen…Lord…I would have been a stammering mess in front of you I think. It is probably much, _much_ safer for my well being that I met you when I did.”

“Oh, but you know how I so love it when you get all flustered and embarrassed.”

Myka grinned, “I know you do, but seriously…” Myka sat up and turned a bit to be able to look Helena in the eye more directly, “I think about that too sometimes…what things would have been like if we’d met before, and I don’t know…I can’t help but think that I met you when I was supposed to, and maybe that sounds weird and ridiculously sappy, and I will wholly blame that on the late hour and the wine from dinner, but still…I think about who I was at eighteen, at twenty-three, hell even at twenty-seven, and if I’d met you then, I so completely would not have been ready for you Helena. Now though…”

Helena gave Myka a soft smile, fingers trailing along her hairline and pushing her curls behind her ear, “Now though…”

“Now I know…all of that time..all of the hell I went through…it was awful and most of the time I wish I could go back and never have had to live through it, but sometimes, I can’t help but think everything that happened, who I became because of it, it all helped mold me into the person who was ready, who was _able_ to fall in love with you. I don’t know…maybe that sounds crazy…”

“No, my love, that sounds the exact opposite of crazy. I have never been one to go in for things like fate. I’ve always held to the belief that we control our own paths, yet…I cannot help but feel like while it had a very long and winding way of getting there, my path would _always_ have led to you, but if I had gotten there faster or slower, you and I wouldn’t be who we are now.”

Myka gave a quiet laugh, “We’re very philosophical for two in the morning.”

Helena shrugged, “Maybe…but you know how the two of us so dearly love our talking.”

“That we do, though I can’t say that I mind.”

“Me neither love, although…if I have any hope of getting you out of bed in order to properly celebrate your birthday tomorrow, we probably need to sleep.”

Myka grinned, “I promise I will put up no such early morning, alarm clock fight. I will be up when you tell me, ready and raring for whatever surprises you have in store for me.”

“I’ll remind you of that when you dive under the pillows tomorrow morning groaning that I am a horrible girlfriend for making you get out of bed.”

Myka chuckled, “You do that, but before you do…one more birthday kiss before bed.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “ _Technically_ , it isn’t your birthday anymore.”

Myka waved a dismissive hand, “Don’t trouble me with your semantics and your details Swagger, just kiss me.”

Helena smirked, curling a hand at the back of Myka’s neck and pulling her forward, “As you wish darling.”  
**

Myka didn’t quite know what to make of it the next day when they returned to their hotel before dinner, and Helena told her that she highly advised changing into clothes that were a bit more comfortable, even going so far as to suggest that Myka wear shoes she wouldn’t mind walking in. Myka had given her a skeptical look, but gave in to the suggestion, deciding that it was best to not question. Helena always had a plan, and today didn’t seem to be an exception to that, so she figured it was best to simply go along with where the evening took them.

When they left the hotel, Helena held her hand out to Myka, “I need your car keys.”

Myka chuckled, shaking her head, “Ok…I guess I’m just supposed to trust whatever is about to happen right?

Helena gave her a swift kiss with a bright smile, “Yes.”

As they drove, Helena shut off the air conditioning, rolled the windows down, and opened up the sun roof, letting the breeze flow through the car, tugging both of their hair back in its path, surrounding them with warmth and wafts of pine and desert as they drove further and further out of town. Myka linked their hands together, giving Helena a teasing smile, “Where on earth are you taking me?”

Helena gave her a coy smile, “You’ll see when we get there, love.” She didn’t say anything else, just unlinked their hands to quickly turn up the radio, letting music flood the car, before returning her hand to Myka’s and driving on in silence. 

The drive was beautiful, as miles and miles of desert which was quickly giving way to rockier ground flew past their windows. Myka couldn’t stop herself from every few minutes, turning to look at the way that the sun was filtering through Helena’s hair as it whipped behind her, the way that she looked so breathtakingly beautiful with the blue skies and the sunshine behind her. Myka decided then and there that if they did nothing but drive the rest of the afternoon, then she would be perfectly content. 

Driving, however, was not the main priority on Helena’s list of activities for the evening, and so eventually she had slowed the car and pulled into a parking lot tucked into the base of the mountains, silently thrilled that theirs was the only car in the lot for the time being.

Myka got out of the car and gave Helena a questioning look, “Are we _hiking_?”

Helena shrugged, “Yes…and no, I suppose. Hiking, in this instance, is merely a means to an end; it is not the main part of our evening, but it is required in order for our evening to actually _start_.”

Myka pushed her sunglasses back up her nose, giving Helena an adoring smile, “That was extremely convoluted, but I’m willing to go with it.”

“As if you had a choice,” Helena grinned.  
Despite merely being a means to an end, their hike wasn’t exactly short, but the scenery was beautiful and in its own way made Myka, once again, feel as though they were at home. They had spent the better part of last summer hiking as many trails as they could find, trekking into the mountains with absolutely no agenda, and somehow always managing to find their way home again, sometimes with exhausted lungs and a few cuts and bruises to show for it, but it was in those moments that Myka felt like they had really figured out who they were together. With hours and hours to themselves, alone with only the company of the wind and the occasional animal crossing their path, their conversations had ebbed and flowed around anything and everything they could think of. There was something about the rush of adrenaline that came with powering up a mountain that seemed to compel them both to open up and just _talk_ , and each time Myka became more and more certain that with every mountain they climbed she fell a little bit harder, a little bit deeper, even when she was sure that she couldn’t be anymore in love than she already was. The mountains that summer convinced her otherwise. 

It was with those thoughts in mind that Myka wondered as they continued walking, hands tucked tightly together, if Helena was simply trying to recapture a little bit of the normalcy and wonder of last summer. The last two days, they’d seemed to be talking about that a lot more… _normalcy_. Their desire to just get back to it, to get back to their lives as they knew them, in the same house, in the same city, with no need for coordinated schedules and Skype dates. She was almost convinced that that was what Helena was going for, until they finally reached where they had been going, and she realized, quite quickly, that Helena had more in mind than just a memory of normalcy.

Myka had no idea how, but Helena had managed to time everything perfectly so that they crested the ridge of their path just as the sun was beginning its slow, trickling descent below the horizon. The scene displayed before them was enough to make Myka’s breath hitch, because she was nowhere close to expecting it. As they had come over the ridge at the end of their trail, it felt as though the entire earth had been laid out before them. They had come out near the top of one of the small hills in the mountain range, but they were still high enough that Myka was certain they could see for at least forty miles. The landscape was slowly being bathed in a sea of yellows and golds, deep reds and the tiniest hits of green. There was no denying that Myka adored her Colorado scenery, but this was unlike anything she’d ever seen before. As she was entranced by the picture around her, she missed the fact that Helena was apparently busy with preparations behind her. Myka hadn’t noticed a thing, until Helena’s arms slid around her waist, linking their hands on her stomach, Helena chin nestled against her shoulder, her voice the merest hint of a whisper in Myka’s ear, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Myka knew she didn’t need to, but couldn’t help keeping her voice low, as though anything louder than a whisper would break the spell they seemed to be under, “It’s breathtaking.”

Helena unwound her arms from Myka’s waist and tugged at the back of Myka’s shirt, “Come here.”

Myka turned and her lips were immediately caught by Helena’s. It was slow, almost _painstakingly_ slow in its intention, and Myka felt every one of her muscles go weak with the feeling. She twined her fingers through Helena’s hair, relishing the warmth that radiated from it. Myka wanted it to last forever, but eventually Helena rocked down from her tiptoes, placing another tiny kiss under Myka’s bottom lip. Myka’s lips pulled in a serene smile, “This is perfect.”

Helena chuckled, looking a bit behind her, “Then I guess I didn’t need to go to the rest of my efforts.”

Only then did Myka notice the blankets that Helena had laid out, the picnic basket that apparently contained their dinner, the bottle of wine that seemed to be perfectly chilled, the candles that Myka was thankful to see were electric. The last thing they needed was to set the place on fire. Myka gave her an awed look, her jaw a bit ajar, “How on earth did you pull this off? Because you _definitely_ had none of those things when we came up here.”

Helena gave her a secretive, bashful smile, “I have my methods love.”

“You are…”

“Incredible?” Helena teased.

“I was going to say amazing, but incredible works. Frankly, a lot of words would work right now, but I’m finding myself at a bit of a loss for them.”

Helena gave Myka’s hand a small squeeze, “I just wanted us to be able to have a little bit of peace, a little bit of quiet. I wanted it to just be _us_ for a little while, away from everything.”

“Ok, so I know I said my coffee yesterday was the best birthday present ever, but this…well, this kind of trumps that, I think.”

“Well,” Helena reached back and pulled a thin, square box out of her back pocket, “maybe this can complete the best birthday present trifecta then.”

Myka gave Helena a shy smile, before teasing open the paper. She cracked open the velvet box to find a thin, though seemingly quite sturdy, silver bracelet made up of entwined circles. Dangling from several of them were seemingly incongruous charms, one a book, one a heart, the final one, Myka was confused to see, a shovel. It was gorgeous, but Myka was certain she was missing something.

Helena took in the confounded look on Myka’s face and let out a small chuckle. She extracted the bracelet from the box and clasped it around Myka’s wrist, “I know…it probably doesn’t make sense, but maybe I can explain. I _hope_ I can, otherwise, it would be a bit of a strange gift.” 

Helena held Myka’s wrist up so that she could see the charms a bit more clearly, and twisted the book around so that she could see what was engraved there. Myka eyed them carefully, “B and W…” It only took a few seconds for the light to dawn in Myka’s eyes, she looked up at Helena quickly before looking back down at the bracelet. Her voice, when it came, was a bit awed, “They’re our songs…”  
Helena’s smile was wide, bright, “The Bering and Wells songbook, right there on your wrist darling.”

Myka let out a watery chuckle, “We’ve written a few more songs than _‘Hate to See Your Heart Break_ ’ and _‘Brick by Boring Brick_.’”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I know…but I figured…I figured we could add to it each time one finally got recorded.”

Myka looped an arm around Helena’s waist and pulled her forward, kissing her soundly, “Thank you. It is…well I feel like I keep saying the word ‘perfect’ today.”

Helena smiled softly, “I’ll take perfect if that’s what you’re offering. You like it?”

Myka grinned, “I _love_ it. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome my love.” Helena kissed her again, and then whispered against her lips, “Watch the sunset with me?”

“Absolutely.”

The breeze drifted around them as they ate dinner and watched the sun fade below the horizon, bathing everything in an unearthly glow. Helena finally admitted, as Myka continued to marvel over the fact that the wine was still somehow colder than it should have been if it was just left in a cooler, that she had convinced Pete and Claudia to arrive before them and bring everything she needed, so that it was all here and able to be a surprise. Myka had wanted to sit and enjoy the quiet and the warmth for a while longer, but as Helena watched the lights flicker on below them, highlighting the path that they had come up, Helena said, regretfully that while she wanted nothing more than that as well, it wouldn’t do to finish Myka’s birthday in the hospital after one of them had sprained an ankle on the way back to the car. 

As they drove back into the city, both regretting the haze of glaring light that was washing away the dark, the isolation, the quiet of the mountains, Myka laced her fingers over Helena’s where they had been resting on the gear shift. It was a simple, quiet gesture, one that had been commonplace for them from the beginning, but the words that followed were anything but commonplace, anything but simple or quiet . Myka’s thumb traced over Helena’s knuckles, as she whispered out, more to the passing landscape than to Helena herself, “I hope you know how much I love you.”

Myka’s words were so quiet that Helena almost had to strain to hear them, but once she did she couldn’t _un-hear_ them. She shifted her hand so that she could squeeze Myka’s, “I’m fairly certain I know _exactly_ how much you love me, Myka…as I can imagine it is rather as much as I love you.” Myka didn’t say anything, and Helena wondered if she needed to be worried, if there was something _more_ pulsing underneath Myka’s words. She cleared her throat, “Any particular reason for that particular hope this evening, love?”

Myka shook her head, turning it so she could catch Helena’s eye, giving her a bright smile, though Helena could see the faintest hint of tears rimming her eyes, “Not really, just sometimes, sometimes the way I feel about you, it kind of rushes over me in this overwhelming wave, and I’m hit all over again by how _insanely lucky_ I am that you’re in my life, and then I wonder and I hope that I’ve been able to show you even the tiniest glimmer of that. That I’ve somehow been able to translate that big, huge heap of emotion that I feel for you into some semblance of words and actions.”

“Trust me, my love, I know that, I _feel_ that in a thousand different ways, every single day. You remind me everyday how lucky I am to love someone who loves me just as much in return, and there are a million more eloquent ways that I could say that, that I could try to explain it, but sometimes…to steal and modify one of your lines darling…sometimes those three words _are_ enough. Sometimes, my eloquence gets in the way of just simply saying, I love you too.”

“Technically…that’s _four_ words,” Myka grinned.

Helena rolled her eyes and groaned, “And somehow I have managed to fall in love with the most _insufferable_ woman to walk this earth. Lucky me.”

Myka chuckled and lifted Helena’s hand up to her lips, kissing the back of it, “Lucky you indeed.”

**

Later, after an initial hurried rush of shoes and shirts flying immediately upon their return to their room, after quick, desperate movements that had slowed and ebbed into patience and intention, Helena pushed her fingers through Myka’s hair where it hung like a curtain around them and whispered, “You never have to worry about it, you know?”

Myka’s forehead crinkled, even as she dipped her head down and caught Helena’s mouth in a quick kiss, tugging playfully at Helena’s bottom lip, “Worry about what, Swagger?”

“About me knowing that you love me.”

“Why is that?”

Helena’s fingers danced down the ridges of Myka’s spine, “Because if you could see the way you look at me sometimes, if you could _know_ how those looks make me feel, if you could feel the rush of indescribable happiness that goes through me every time you give me one of your coy smiles or the look you’re giving me right now, then you would know without a doubt how much I absolutely, without question know how much you love me.”

Myka’s lips tugged in a small, almost uncertain, smile, “Must be one hell of a look.”

“It’s a look that makes me feel like I’m the only thing you can see sometimes, a look that somehow sets me on fire and gives me chills all at the same time.”  
Myka couldn’t hold back her smirk, “You know…that sounds an awful lot like you’re saying that _I_ may have a bit of _swagger_ …”

Helena arched her back, pressing her body full against Myka’s, drawing a stuttering gasp from Myka’s lungs. She lowered her voice a notch, “Oh darling…you have _all kinds_ of swagger.”

“God that sounds so weird with your accent…”

Helena crooked her knee against Myka’s thigh, “Only weird?”

Myka sighed, pressing a line of kisses along Helena’s jaw, “Weird and sexy as hell.”

“Then it bears repeating. Show me your swagger, darling.”

**

_Las Vegas, Nevada, “Wonder Found” Tour, mid-August, 2012_

The memory of that night carried Helena through the next four days in a kind of delirious haze. The pressure of Myka’s hands, the heat of her breath, the feel of her skin, it all lingered in Helena’s mind with picture perfect clarity. It wasn’t that every time they were together wasn’t incredible. It wasn’t that every time didn’t leave Helena weak-kneed and sated and exhausted and somehow more wanting than when it began. It wasn’t that every time Myka wasn’t absolutely _everything_. It was just that there had been something about that night, something she couldn’t properly describe, couldn’t properly put words to, no matter how she tried. How do you adequately enunciate the just right combination of desire and pulsating, rushed abandon and slow, wanting intention? Myka was _always_ present when they were together, it was something that Helena loved most about her, the way she could just _see_ it in Myka’s eyes that she was _there_. Yet, that night, it somehow went beyond mere presence, beyond simply focused attention; it was as though Myka was trying to write across Helena’s entire body that promise of how much she loved her. As though it would never be enough for Helena to tell Myka that she _knew_ , but that Myka needed her to absolutely _feel_ how loved she was. It was as though with every push and drag of her fingers, with every pass of her lips over Helena’s skin, with every word uttered between them, with every trace of nail over skin, Myka was repeating it over and over and over again, _I love you, I love you, I love you._

Helena knew that the memories, the images were distracting her far too much, yet she couldn’t find that she particularly cared, not when she had little else to occupy her mind. It was creeping well towards late evening, and despite the fact that they _were_ in Las Vegas, she had opted for staying in. They had a couple of days in the city, and so for tonight, she had decided on peace and quiet, while the others were out exploring. She was contemplating the idea of a bath when her phone buzzed quietly next to her. She read the text from Myka with a questioning gaze.

_“So…if you’re able, I’m getting ready to Skype you, but I need to make sure that you’re…decent? Properly attired? I don’t really know how to put this.”_

Helena let out a small, albeit confused, chuckle, as she answered.

_“You could just ask me what I’m wearing darling…”_

_“Ugh! Ok this is so not me asking you that, and you will see why quickly, but just…is it safe to call?”_

_“If you consider a t-shirt and sweatpants safe love.”_

_“Ok….calling now. Trust me, you will understand in about ten seconds.”_

Helena rolled her eyes, but pulled her computer off of the nightstand and propped it against her knees, awaiting Myka’s call. When her computed dinged and she clicked the call over, she realized Myka was absolutely right about two things, that she would understand immediately and that the decent attire questions were necessary and warranted.

“Hi Aunt Elephant!” Ethan’s bright, full, top teeth upon bottom teeth grin greeted Helena the second that the call came through. 

Helena knew her face betrayed her surprise, because as far as she knew Myka wasn’t supposed to have Ethan this particular night. She knew that Myka had gone to Boulder for a birthday dinner with her family, but bringing Ethan home hadn’t been a part of the plan. She gave him a wide smile, “Hello Peanut! Did you sneak into Aunt Monkey’s car on her way home tonight?”

Ethan giggled, “No! Mommy said I could come visit.”

“Well, that was awfully nice of her. I’m sure Aunt Monkey is _very_ glad that you’re there.”

Myka tussled Ethan’s curls, kissing the top of his head, where it was resting by her shoulder, “I am _so glad_ that he’s here. Apparently, _he_ was my birthday present this year.”

Ethan shot her a frustrated look, “I also _made_ you something, Aunt Monkey.” 

Ethan rolled his eyes in near perfect imitation of both Myka and Tracy, causing both Helena and Myka to vainly attempt to stifle their laughter, for fear of further offense given to his six year old sensibilities. Myka shot Helena a quick wink, “Should we show Aunt Elephant what you made me?”

“Yes!” Ethan shot out of the picture, and Helena could hear his feet pattering against the floor as he shouted, “I’ll go get it.”

Myka chuckled, giving Helena an incredulous look, “Now do you understand my clothing questions?”  
“Perfectly, darling. It would not have served either of us well if this had gone differently.”

Myka raised her eyebrows quickly, “No need to scar him just yet. I rather like that he still likes us.”

“Oh I’m not worried about _him_ , but I do not intend on enduring your sister’s wrath, indignation, _or_ teasing as a result of anything beyond perfect decorum on my part.”

Myka chuckled, “That was a lot of words to say you don’t want Tracy pissed at you for frightening or horrifying her child.”

Helena went to respond, but was interrupted by Ethan bounding back onto the bed and shoving what looked like a picture frame in front of the camera, “See!”

Helena watched Myka’s fingers wrap around the frame and pull it back a bit, whispering, “Let’s make sure she can see it little man.” Myka adjusted the screen so Helena could see her gift properly, “There. Now she can see it and you can tell her what it is, bud.”

“I made Aunt Monkey a picture frame. See,” his fingers pointed at the picture inside, “it’s us. All three of us.”

Tucked in the frame that was coated in a wild array of bright primary colors, decorated in stickers and silly glue, was a picture of the three of them from earlier in the spring when they had taken Ethan up to the Garden of the Gods on a hike. Ethan’s hands were around both of their necks, squishing their faces together; they were all red-faced and a bit sweaty, but they looked happy and exuberant. Unexpectedly, a rush of homesickness overtook Helena and she had to take in a deep breath, anything to keep her features schooled and attentive. 

Myka gave her a small smile, one that said she knew what Helena was thinking, “He said we could put it up on the fireplace.”

Helena forced a wide smile onto her face, “I think that’s a great idea.” She watched as Ethan settled into the crook of Myka’s arm, watched as Myka’s fingers instinctively moved through his curls. She felt something within her shift and catch, almost break, but she fought it back, trying to focus on anything else. Anything else ended up being Ethan’s clothes, “Are you wearing one of my shirts, Peanut?”

Ethan looked down at the shirt he was wearing, plucking the front of it with two fingers. He gave her another wide smile, “Yup!”

Myka bit the corner of her lip with a small grin, “He decided that he liked it better than the pajamas Tracy packed.”

“He just rifled through my drawers and decided he had a newfound love for The Clash, huh?” Helena gave Myka a skeptical look.

Myka rolled her eyes with a small, indignant huff, “Ok…I _migh_ t have had it set out to wear myself…and he _might_ have beaten me to it.”

“You’re stealing my clothes again…”

“You _know_ that shirt is way too big for you…”

Helena leveled Myka with a teasing look, wanting to say so much more than was appropriate in Ethan’s presence, wanted to point out how many times Myka had stolen that shirt from her, claiming that it was too big for her, but knowing all the while that she liked it simply because it was Helena’s favorite. 

Ethan tugged the collar of the shirt up towards his face and scrunched his nose up, “This smells like you Aunt Elephant.”

Helena watched as the tips of Myka’s ears went pink, a sure fire sign that she was embarrassed. Helena gave her a teasing look, “It is my shirt so I’m not surprised, although I haven’t worn it in a long time. Do you know anything about that Aunt Monkey?”

Myka shook her head vigorously, “Nope, not a thing.”

“Will I need to check how much perfume I have left when I get home darling?”

Myka’s ears were bright red, “Hush.”

Ethan giggled, “You guys are funny.” He waited a beat, a mere second, and then without any segue, he looked up at Helena with wide eyes, “Mommy has a baby in her belly.”

Helena’s jaw dropped at the same time Myka’s face devolved in an odd mix of shock and sadness. Helena beat her to any words, despite knowing that her voice would betray the surge of emotion that was coursing through her. She gave Ethan a smile she prayed he couldn’t tell was fake, “She does?”

“Yup! I hope it’s a boy.”

“Wow…Peanut…you’re going to be a big brother…” Helena’s words caught just slightly at the end of her sentence.

Myka tucked a hand around Ethan’s waist and gave it a tiny squeeze, whispering, “Hey…why don’t you go downstairs and pick out a book to read before bed. We forgot to bring one up.”

“Ok.” Once again Ethan bounded out of bed, but not before turning and placing an unexpected kiss to Myka’s cheek. 

When he was out of ear shot, Myka turned back to the computer only to be greeted with the look that she knew was Helena trying to fight back tears, “Helena…”

“No, no, it’s fine darling. It’s _wonderful_ , actually.”

“He wasn’t supposed to say anything, to _anyone_. Tracy wanted to wait until you were home so she could tell everyone at the same time, but he just let it slip at dinner…”

Helena gave a small shake of her head, “It’s ok. I’m fine.”

“Helena, you aren’t fine. You know that I know you aren’t fine. Tracy wanted you to be here so badly. She never would have wanted you to find out this way.”

Helena felt a small breath catch in her lungs, a tiny, almost invisible tear slipping down her cheek. She swiped at it fiercely, “God…this is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be upset about this…I’m not _upset_ …”

“I know…Sweets…”

Helena cut across her, “I just hate that I’m not there for these things. That I’ve _missed_ this. That I’m _missing_ this. Even something as small as him being there with you…I just…I _should be there_.”

Before Myka could respond, Ethan bounced back into bed and gave Helena a worried look, “Aunt Elephant? Are you crying?”

Helena swiped her palms across her eyes, “Happy tears Peanut. I’m _so_ happy for Mommy, for all of you.”

Ethan held up the book he had chosen, “Can you stay on the computer for story time?”

Helena shot Myka a pleading look, one she read and understood immediately. She kissed the top of Ethan’s head, “You know what Peanut, Aunt Helena needs to go to bed too. She has to get up super early, so why don’t we say good night now and we’ll call her again in the morning?” 

Myka glanced at Helena with a questioning look, one that asked if that was ok. Helena gave her a small smile and a quick nod.

Ethan shrugged, “Ok.” He waved vigorously at the screen, “Good night, Aunt Elephant! Sleep tight!”

Helena bit the inside of her cheek, anything to keep smiling, “Good night, sweet boy. Enjoy story time.”

“I will. I love you!”

Whatever had shifted in Helena earlier finally broke, she felt it instantly, but she kept it together, as best she could, “I love you too Peanut. Sweet dreams.” Helena’s gaze shifted to Myka, Myka who looked so worried, so heartbroken herself. She mustered as much of a smile as she could, “And I love _you_ too Aunt Monkey.”

Myka’s smile was small, soft, “Love you, Sweets.”

Helena disconnected the call and finally stopped fighting the tears that had been building, letting them wash over her in waves. She knew it was irrational. She had known when she left this summer that she would miss things, that there would inevitably be memories that didn’t include her. That there would be sleepovers and family dinners and all kinds of run-of-the-mill normal family _things_ that she missed, but she never, ever anticipated it being this _hard_. As she fought to stem the tide of her emotions, her phone buzzed again.

_“I’ll call once he’s asleep, ok?”_

Helena sighed. She knew her response was not what was needed at the moment, but she couldn’t quite help it.

_“It’s ok, love. I think I’m just going to turn in for the night. We’ll talk in the morning.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“I am. Good night darling.”_

Helena passed a hand through her hair and slid her phone onto the nightstand. She didn’t want to lie to Myka, yet she knew that there was no way she was ready to sleep, not now, but she also didn’t feel entirely up for talking. Now, she needed fresh air and distraction, anything to get her mind off of the ache that had set up permanent residence in her chest. She changed out of her clothes hastily, throwing on Myka’s flannel shirt and a pair a jeans that she knew were a bit worse for wear, but she didn’t particularly care about how she looked at the moment, she just wanted out of the room.

Without much thought, she let her steps guide her down to their hotel’s private bar. She knew the last thing she wanted was to deal with stray paparazzi or even fans tonight, and that this was her best bet for relative peace and quiet. She walked in with the intention of holing up in a corner with a glass of wine, but her intent flew out the window when the first thing she was greeted with was the back of Pete’s head hung low over his slumped shoulders. A spike of worry, of fear raced across her skin and she hastened her steps towards him, afraid that tonight had just brought her far worse things than a missed pregnancy announcement. 

She placed a careful hand on his shoulder, which made him flinch slightly in surprise. He looked over his shoulder, to show Helena his red-rimmed eyes and an utter look of defeat. When he recognized that it was her, his shoulders slumped further, but it seemed out of relief, “Hey H.G. Pull up a chair.”

“Peter…”

Helena saw his lips twitch in a small smile as he spun the bottle in his hands towards her, giving her a clear view of the label, “Local, homemade root beer, H.G.”

Helena’s entire body flooded with relief. She sank onto the stool next to him, immediately resting her head on his shoulder, wrapping a hand around his wrist, “Jesus Christ, Peter, do not _ever_ do that to me again.”

Pete kissed the top of her head with a small, saddened chuckle, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t exactly expecting company, so I wasn’t really worried about how all of this looks.”

“Still…” Helena sat up, leveling Pete with a scrutinizing stare, “do I need to be concerned that you’re sitting alone in a bar? I feel as though I need to be concerned that you’re _sitting alone in a bar_.”

Pete patted the hand Helena still had wrapped around his wrist, “No need for concern, trust me. Please, _trust me_ on that. I just…I needed to get out of my room, but I wasn’t really up for, well, _Vegas_.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, as she signaled for the bartender, requesting an iced tea in lieu of her wine. She didn’t think that was exactly the most _prudent_ order considering her changed circumstances and company. As the bartender slid her drink in front of her, she sighed, “It sounds like you and I are rather in the same boat this evening.”

Pete gave a kind of half-laugh, half-sigh, “I wasn’t going to say it, but you look about as good as I feel. So, cheers.” He clinked the top of his bottle to her glass.

Helena gave a half-hearted chuckle, “So…do you want to go first?”

“ _Sure_.” He sighed, his thumb keeping up a steady circling motion around his wedding ring, “Amanda and I…I don’t know how it even happened. One second we were fine and then we were the exact opposite of fine. All of the sudden we were fighting and she was crying and God it just spiraled absolutely out of control.”

“What exactly did you fight about?” 

Pete swiped a hand across the back of his neck, “It isn’t even that big of a deal, or it _shouldn’t_ have been. Apparently, there was this huge storm a couple of nights ago, and it tore the hell out of our back porch. A couple of the beams are busted, she had sent me pictures when it happened, and I was just thankful that it didn’t take out any windows or anything, but then she told me tonight that she was having a contractor come over to look at it, and I don’t know, I got kind of defensive because it’s something I can fix, but she’s babysitting for her sister’s kids next week and she can’t exactly have them running around on a porch that looks like ours does, so she said she was having someone come out to deal with it. I made some comment about how I hated that she was having to deal with that, or something, I don’t even remember, and she just kind of lost it. ‘You aren’t _home_ , Pete!’ Honestly, she said a lot of other things and so did I, but _fuck_ , I cannot get those words out of my head. ‘You aren’t home…’ and what am I supposed to say? She’s right. I’m _not_ home, and of course it has to get fixed, and of course she did the right thing in getting it fixed, but goddammit I just _hate_ that I am not home to deal with that stuff, that she has to deal with it. And I get it, it’s a porch, it’s not a big deal, but…dammit…I just feel…I just feel so fucking _guilty_.”

“Now _that_ is a feeling I understand quite well.”

Pete gave her a concerned look, “You and Mykes ok?”

Helena’s finger danced around the rim of her glass, “We’re fine, _we’re_ more than fine. Me, however? Well, I am most assuredly _not_ fine.”

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing. Honestly, in comparison to your night, it will probably sound quite stupid.”

Pete bumped his shoulder against hers, “Lay it on me. Distract me. _Please_.”

Helena’s fingers instinctually came up to tug at her locket, “Tracy’s pregnant.”

Pete’s eyes widened and then squinted in confusion, “But that’s…”

Helena gave a saddened chuckle, “It’s wonderful. Spectacular, actually. She and Kevin have been having a hard time trying, so it’s…it’s fantastic news.”

“So why the moping in the bar?”

“I wasn’t supposed to find out the way I did. Tracy had been planning on telling everyone once I was home, so we could all find out at once, but Ethan apparently ended up letting it slip at Myka’s birthday dinner tonight, and then he told me, and well, you can’t exactly un-ring that bell. Like I said, it’s stupid, but I just feel like I’m _missing_ things, and I hate that. I hate thinking about the fact that all of them were at Tracy’s for dinner tonight celebrating Myka’s birthday, the fact that I missed _the moment_ , the moment of everyone realizing what Ethan had said and the celebrating of it, the fact that Ethan is at our house right now and I’m not there, that so much of my life feels like it’s happening through a computer screen and across phone lines.”

Pete shook his head and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, “That sucks. Like, really, really sucks.”

“Still…comparatively…”

“No, no, hey, come on,” he kissed the top of her head once again. “Same boat, remember? I totally get it. Missing all the good stuff is just as bad as feeling guilty for not being around for the bad stuff. Fighting isn’t the only thing that hurts like hell when you’re apart.”

Helena sighed, “I just hate feeling so torn all the time. I constantly feel like I want to be in two places at once, and since that is _impossible_ , we’re always forced to make a choice, and I hate that. I hate that it’s being home or being on the road. I hate that it’s being with the people we love or doing the thing that we love.”

“This isn’t you telling me that you’re quitting right? Because that’s not the answer.”

Helena groaned, “I know, and _no_ , I have no intention of quitting. I _don’t want_ to quit. I have loved this summer, far more than I ever imagined, but I have also hated this summer, pretty much _as much_ as I imagined I would.”

“All about the balance of the good and the bad, I guess.”

“Something like that.”

“I get it. We all get it. Somehow it’s a blessing and a curse in this business to actually have a home life you love, to have a life you don’t want to escape by getting on the road. If you had nothing to miss, well, it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

Helena took a slow drink of her tea, “The good days have certainly outweighed the bad, which is something, but bloody hell, the bad days…”

“The bad days suck.”

Helena chuckled, “Oh so eloquently put, Peter.” She gave him a sidelong glance, taking in the scruffy five o’clock shadow on his chin, the way the muscles of his jaw kept clinching, the redness around his eyes, “Are you and Amanda going to be ok?”

He cleared his throat, “Yeah, yeah, we will. It’ll just take some time, but yeah, I mean…it was a fight. Nothing that we haven’t gone through before, and I mean, that woman is my _everything_ , there’s no way I’m letting a busted up porch and a few months on the road fuck with that.”

“You and your eternal optimism.”

Pete’s eyes bored holes into hers, “Abso-fucking-lutely, H.G. I have to be. I have to believe that we can have this, _do_ this, and love it, while also having relationships and marriages and kids and everything else big and huge that we want out of life. I don’t believe, _I don’t accept_ , that it has to be one or the other.”

Helena raised her glass, “Now _that_ is something I will drink to.”

Pete grinned and once again clinked his bottle to her glass. They sat in silence for awhile, both nursing their drinks, letting the quiet chatter of their fellow hotel guests surround them, until eventually Pete’s voice broke through, “We almost broke up once. Did Mykes ever tell you that story?”  
Helena gave him a surprised look, “No, she’s never mentioned it.”

“I didn’t think she would have, but I figured I’d check. It was a couple years after college, we’d just moved in together and we somehow got into this huge fight about marriage and our future and all of these things that we both knew we were _nowhere near_ ready for, but you know how those conversations go, once they get started it is all downhill from there. It was awful. I stormed out, and ended up staying with Myka for a few days. We didn’t talk. I thought it was over, and I was still too much of an idiot to know how to fix it. Thank God Amanda is smarter than me. One night, I will never forget it, it was just torrentially down pouring, and there was a knock on Myka’s back door. She answered it and there was Amanda, soaking wet, huddled into one of my jackets, and she just looked at me and asked me to come home. I mean, eventually, we talked through everything, but those two words…come home…that’s all it took for me to stop being a dumbass. Tonight…when she said that to me, about not being home…it just felt like that night all over again.”

“You’ll fix it, Pete.”

Pete gave her a side smile, “Oh I know I will. Because of that night, because of those few days, I know exactly what it feels like to live without her, and I never want to do that again.”

Helena smiled softly, “You, Peter Lattimer, are a wise man.”

“I have my moments.” 

A stray thought occurred to Helena then, one she had never thought about before. She gave Pete a scrutinizing look, “Can I ask you something?”

The look Pete gave her was wary, “Sure?”

“Have you ever written anything? Besides your drum lines, I mean? Lyrically, have you ever written anything?”

“Nope. It’s never quite been my style.”

“Well, I think now would be a perfect time to start.” Helena reached into her purse and pulled out a random notebook, sliding it towards Pete, “Between the two of us, we have the makings of a song here, and those moments, hellish though they may be are not to be wasted.”

Pete grimaced, “I don’t know, H.G.”

She pushed a pen into his hand, “Just try it.”

It took a lot of pushing and pulling, a lot of restarting and erasing of lines, but eventually, after an hour or so of wrestling, they had the makings of _something_. It wasn’t near ready, but it was the bare bones of a song, a structure that just needed to be filled in and shaded at various points. Eventually, Pete slid the notebook back over to Helena with a yawn, “That’s all I’ve got for the night, or I’m going to pass out in this bar, and that would _not_ be good.”  
Helena gave him a small smile, “Quite right, we’ll finish it later.”

Pete pulled her up from her stool and wrapped her in a tight hug, “Thank you…for being here.”

Helena returned Pete’s hold warmly, “Same to you, Pete. Get some rest. It shall all look better in the morning.”

Pete gave her a playful squeeze, “I’m going to hold you to that.”

Helena chuckled, “You do that.”

**

When Helena’s phone rang the next morning, she was so convinced that it had to be Myka that she didn’t bother attempting to rid her voice of its languid tiredness, the inevitable consequences of her late night with Pete, “Hello…”

“Good morning sunshine.”

That voice was far too chipper to be Myka in the morning, and Myka _certainly_ never called her sunshine, _especially_ when she sounded tired. Myka was too _well aware_ of how much Helena _hated_ sunshine in the mornings to even joke about it. Helena sat up a bit, attempting to get her mind to de-fog and put the pieces together, which she did quickly, “Tracy?”

Helena heard the light, lilting laughter that absolutely confirmed her morning caller, “I take it you don’t do caller ID in the morning?”

“I’m sorry,” Helena looked over to the bed next to her to see Claudia still very much asleep, sprawled out on her bed. She hadn’t been back when Helena returned to the room, and Helena had no idea when she had gotten back, “Tracy can you hold on one second?”

“Sure.”

Helena wrapped herself in her robe and let herself out onto the balcony as quietly as possible. The warmth and the, thankfully, pale sunlight helped to nudge her more into consciousness. She slid the door closed, “Sorry about that. Claudia is very much still not of the living this morning and it would do me positively no good to wake her, or else I risk hearing of nothing less for the rest of the day.”

“Not a problem. I’m sorry, I should have waited to call. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s quite alright. I probably need to be up anyway. I apologize for giving you a less than stellar hello. I figured you were Myka…”

“Hence the not checking the caller ID.”

“Precisely.”

“Well, at the moment my dear sister has been awoken by the pancake monster, so her hands are a little full, or most likely completely covered in flour if I know my son _and_ my sister. Plus…” Tracy paused and Helena could perfectly picture the look that was filtering over her face; it was the look each of the Bering women got when they were gearing up to say something important, “she _might_ have wanted to call you, but I asked her if I could talk to you first. She told me…”

Helena rolled her eyes with a slight nudge of incredulity. Another lovely quality of the Berings was that they felt the need to apologize for things that were _absolutely, unequivocally_ not things that needed apologizing for. She sighed, sitting down on one of the balcony chairs already fully warmed by the Nevada sun and propping her feet against the balcony railing, “Tracy, if the next words out of your mouth are ‘I’m sorry’ I may hang up this phone.”

“And I will simply call you back woman, which you very well know.”

Helena chuckled, “Have I mentioned at any point this summer that I miss you?”

“On countless occasions, although I _clearly_ already knew that since _I_ am exceedingly miss-able.”

“Between you and your sister, I don’t know which one of you is more insufferable.”

Tracy scoffed playfully, “Oh that is definitely Myka. _Anyway_ , Miss Avoiding the Topic, as you have well figured out, Myka told me that Ethan, once again, let the cat out of the bag last night.”

Helena’s mind filtered back to the night before, to the ache she felt when the words had flown out of Ethan’s mouth. She gave a small sigh, “He was, clearly, extremely excited. It’s ok.”

Tracy let out a small, half-saddened, half-amused chuckle, “I’m not sure excited covers it, actually. Still…Helena…I _had_ really wanted to wait to tell everyone until you were here. I _hate_ that you found this way.”

“Tracy, this really isn’t…”

“Oh, my dear, darling, crazy Helena…you’re going to make me say it aren’t you?”

“Say what?”

“God, I miss you too, you weird woman. You’re going to make me _say_ , that it is a big deal, because _you_ are _family_ , Helena, and this was news I wanted you to be here to hear. You can put up your quiet, sensible, British front, but I know that you were upset about it, and even if you won’t admit that, I’m telling you that _I_ was just as upset that you weren’t here. I never wanted it to be like that. I mean sure, we were always going to let Ethan be the one to tell everyone, but only when _everyone_ was there. Once he let it slip…I wanted to call you immediately, but it was during a show so that didn’t make much sense, and I told Myka I wanted to call you first thing in the morning, but my son apparently had other plans.”

“He does rather have a mind of his own.”

“He gets that from me I think, though I hate to admit it. I just…Helena…we love you, and I cannot explain to you how much I wish that this was not how things had gone.”

Helena tilted her head back against the chair, letting the sun hit her face full on, “I do so enjoy making you sentimental Tracy dear.”

“And here I thought my sister was the one who usually deflected away from emotions.”

“Ouch,” Helena chuckled, “I’m going to tell her you said that.”

“Go for it, she would probably agree with me. I’m serious, Helena.”

Helena sighed, pushing a hand through her hair, “I know, and I do appreciate it. I just…well, I don’t like feeling as though I’m concerning everyone. Although…if we are being honest…”

“As if you and I are ever anything _but_ honest with each other.”

Helena chuckled, “That’s true. So in the name of _honesty_ , of course I was upset, for the exact same reason you are. You know I would have wanted to be there, and I hope you know how much I hate that I wasn’t.”

“Of course I do, but you’re crazy if you think I will tolerate you sitting there sounding the way you do right now, as though you have a reason to feel _guilty_ that you weren’t.”

“You know you sound more and more like your sister everyday, right?”

“ _Well_ , my sister and I happen to be _very smart_ people, so you should probably listen to us.”

“Indeed. You’d think after almost two years, I would have learned that by now.”

Helena could hear Tracy’s smile through the phone, “You would think.”

They slipped into the smallest of silences, until Helena broke it. Her voice was soft, finally letting the full weight, the full _happiness_ of what was coming around the corner for Tracy sink in, “Tracy…”

“What’s up, darlin’?”

“In the midst of all of this, you haven’t quite let me say the thing that really _needs_ to be said.”

Tracy’s voice, when it came, had a quieter, knowing lilt to it, “And what is that?”

“Congratulations. I am positively over-the-moon for all three of you.”

“Thank you…maybe we can get this one to actually call you two by your proper names.”

Helena chuckled, “What fun would that be? Plus, I’m sure that Ethan will have him or her properly trained in what to call us right from the get go.”

Tracy gave a tiny, humored groan, “That’s probably true. God, Kevin and I are in so much trouble.”

“ _So very much trouble_ , but…the best kind of trouble as well.”

“And in the event of the worst kind of trouble, we will be quickly and efficiently shipping them off to your house, so you and Myka can deal with it.”

Helena rolled her eyes with a small laugh, “Somehow, I’m sure we would both end up being alright with that deal.”

“I just have to say, while I’ve appreciated these phone calls of ours, I am extremely happy that you’re going to be home soon. I miss you..you have left me alone all summer with my mother and my sister. That’s practically unforgiveable.”

“You survived over twenty years of them without me…”

“Yes, but now I know what it is to deal with them _with_ you around. You can’t possible expect me to go back to living any other way now.”

“Perish the thought…”

“Joke all you want. You’ve already told me you missed me, you can’t take that back.”

Helena smiled serenely, “I would never take it back, because I do, in fact, miss you.” There was something oddly comforting in her relationship with Tracy, the easy back and forth, the simplicity of it, the fact that they both seemed so at ease with the fact that they simply got along and didn’t have to make a big _thing_ out of it. 

Tracy let out a small sigh, “Alright…I believe I need to get myself around and go save my sister from my son, otherwise she may still be cleaning up the flour when you get home. You good?”

Helena chuckled; Tracy had a way of switching from emotion and sentiment to general conversation so quickly it could give you whiplash. Luckily, Helena had learned early on to handle the swift changes, “I’m good. Thank you for calling though…I do appreciate it.”  
“No problem. Sorry about the wake-up call again.”

“Quite alright, and Tracy…congratulations, _again_ , truly.”

“Thank you. We’ll talk again soon, ok?”

“Sounds good.” 

Helena hung up with a smile. She never would have imagined that hearing from Tracy would have been the thing that made all of this simply feel _better_ , but it had. She flipped open her messages and typed out a text to Myka.

_“Your sister is rather sweet. Did you know that?”_

_“I did…don’t tell her I said that though.”  
“So, she called?”_

_“She did…bright and early…”_

_“Oh God…she woke you up...I told her she should give you a little bit more time. I’m sorry.”_

Helena chuckled at the fervent tone of Myka’s voice, at how much she fussed over the tiniest of things. It was sweet.

_“It’s quite alright, love. I was glad she called.”_

_“Are you ok?”_

_“I am. We began pondering what on earth this child will call us…”_

_“Lord…I can only keep track of so many nicknames.”_

_“So…Tracy intimated that you may be flour-covered at the moment. Tell me, is our house still in one piece?”_

_“Relatively…though it was questionable for a second.”_

_“I miss those kind of mornings. Tell me that we’ll steal him for another sleepover once I’m home.”_

_“I promise we will. All he’s done all morning is talk about you, so I don’t think we’ll have much of a choice.”_

_“I miss him…give him a kiss for me.”_

_“I will.”_  
“He’s not the only you miss I hope…”  
Helena rolled her eyes playfully. Myka was sometimes so very…well…once again, words eluded Helena for just what exactly Myka was.

_“Words do not exist for how much you are missed Myka Bering…”_

_“That’s what I like to hear. I love you.”_

_“I love you too. Please keep our house intact.”_

_“I’ll try my best.”_

Helena gazed out over the city, finally allowing herself to take in the sheer amount of _noise_ that was already present, even in the earliest moments of the morning. She shut her eyes, letting herself imagine for the briefest of moments that somewhere, out there, across the miles of desert and mountains, was her house, filled with Myka and Ethan’s laughter. The image was so clear she could almost smell the cinnamon, the sweetness that was probably filling the kitchen. The thought was as close to perfect as she could imagine getting. She opened her eyes back up to the sunlight, so close to shifting from pale to piercing, and she smiled. Soon…sooner than she could comprehend, she would be home…but for now…for now there were a few more cities to explore.

**

_Seattle, Washington, “Wonder Found” Tour, late August, 2012_

“Have you seen this?” 

It was the band’s day off, and Myka and Helena were taking full advantage of the day, basking in the midday glow of the sun, tempered by the light breeze coming off of the Sound and tugging their hair back from their shoulders, as they sat out on the pier which adjoined a small coffee shop they had found as they had explored the city after lunch. Helena came up from behind Myka offering her a cup of coffee and dangling a magazine precariously between the fingers of her hand which was also balancing her own coffee mug. 

Myka tipped her sunglasses down her nose, despite the fact that she could see perfectly well what Helena was holding up for her view. She gave it a perfunctory glance and then quickly looked away, in some odd combination of indifference and annoyance at the proffered reading material. She pushed her glasses back up her nose, “I have.”

Helena rolled her eyes behind her own sunglasses, giving Myka a disbelieving look, despite the fact that Myka wasn’t even facing her to see it. Helena sank into the chair next to her, stretching a leg out immediately to lay across Myka’s lap. She gave her a pointed look, “Ok, so you’ve _seen_ it, but have you _read_ it?”

Myka ran idle fingertips up Helena’s bare shin as she lifted her coffee to her lips, taking in a slow sip as she watched the sunlight dance across the water, the swift, though peaceful movements of the ferryboats across the Sound. She didn’t look at Helena as she responded, “No…I haven’t.”

A strangled kind of noise left Helena’s throat, some kind of mixture of incredulity and surprise, “Should I ask why not?”

Myka slid the magazine towards her, fingers lifting from Helena’s leg to trail over the picture of Sally and Philip that adorned that month’s issue of _Billboard_. She scrunched a hand through her curls with a sigh, “I don’t know, for a lot of reasons I guess.”

“Well, that’s not vague whatsoever.” Helena shifted forward, her chin almost coming to rest on Myka’s shoulder. She ran a hand through Myka’s hair, “Do you care to illuminate me on those reasons love?”

Myka gave a tiny, almost indignant, huff, “Most of them circle around the same two things…fear and a distinct lack of caring, I guess.”

Helena rolled her eyes again, though this time she was thankful Myka couldn’t see it, “We both know that that second reason isn’t even remotely true.”

Myka’s hand splayed out against the magazine cover, her thumb idly brushing the pages, “Ok, so it’s not that I _don’t care_ , but I’m still pissed off enough to not _want_ to care.”

Helena gave a small, knowing nod before pushing forward, “And the fear…”

Myka finally looked at her then, pulling her sunglasses off and pinching at the bridge of her nose before returning them to her face, “Fear of what they might have said, fear of what _she_ might have said, fear that people like the album _in spite_ of my contribution to it, fear that somehow whatever is in that magazine will reveal that I’ve made a huge mistake and shouldn’t be doing this.”

Helena’s lips twitched in a kind of smile, “Would it help if I told you that all of those fears are unfounded?”

Myka chuckled quietly, “Is that your way of telling me that you’ve _already_ read it?”

“I might have perused it while I waited in line for our drinks…”

Myka’s brow furrowed briefly, and Helena knew that behind her sunglasses she was hiding a look of trepidation at the question she was about to ask, “What does it say?”

“Shall I read you my favorite part?” Helena tugged the magazine out from under Myka’s palm.

Myka’s gaze returned to the Sound, unable to watch as Helena thumbed through the pages. Her voice, when it answered, was uncertain, “Sure.”

Myka heard the pages flipping, heard Helena clear her throat, felt her entire body tense with that now spoken fear, as Helena began to read, _“While there can be no denying that Stukowski and Petrov bring a powerful sense of talent to the table, at times the album feels as though it could fall over the edge into sentimentality and overwrought emotion. What pulls it back from the brink is the deft hand of first-time producer, Myka Bering. There is a quiet urgency, a pulsing intentionality that comes through some tracks, tracks which had they been in the hands of a less capable producer would have fallen flat, left to languish under the flag of ‘trying too hard.’ Bering has taken these tracks and molded them into something that comes across as hauntingly heartbroken, desperate but not distracting, desirous but not demanding. Without a doubt, with this album, we have been introduced to a duo that we will not soon forget, but we have also been reintroduced to Myka Bering, and this reviewer can only say that he is immensely thankful for that reintroduction.”_

Myka shot Helena a look over her shoulder, “It doesn’t say that.” 

Helena just arched an eyebrow at her and held the magazine out for her to read with her own two eyes. Myka’s eyes quickly scanned the words Helena had just read, somehow still unbelieving what was clear to her in plain black and white. Helena’s voice filtered into her consciousness, “There’s more…if you want to read it.” 

Without waiting for Myka to answer, Helena flipped to a page she had already dog-eared near the front of the magazine, and tapped a finger against an editorial. She leaned back against her chair and simply waited for Myka to decide whether or not she wanted to read the article headlined, _“Why we already need to be talking about Warehouse 13 Studios.”_ Myka gave Helena another quick look, but Helena just nodded her head and turned her own eyes towards the water, letting Myka read in peace.

Myka’s eyes raced over the article at first, uncertain if she really wanted to take in what had been written, but eventually she allowed herself to slow, to truly take in what had been said.

_“It’s been almost five years since I’ve actually typed out her name, and that realization is enough to make me feel simultaneously depressed and giddy. Depressed because I can’t believe that we have all had to endure five years without her music, giddy because now it appears that the long wait is over. I find myself in the odd position of only realizing how much I have missed her now that she’s seemingly back in my life, and wondering in hindsight how I have endured the time. I’ll be the first to admit that Myka Bering’s music carried me through some of the hardest times of my life. I was a freshman in college when the first Strings/Keys album dropped, and when I heard it, it was like coming up for air. I found myself in the words she wrote. It was as though she knew exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. My college years, like so many before and after me, were filled with heartbreak and self-discovery and frustration and exaltation, but I can say that I’m not sure I would have survived any of those, particularly the heartbreak, without the lyrics that just seemed to pour out of Myka Bering. I realize that all of this comes off as a bit dramatic and overzealous, but it’s the barest truth. That’s the power of music—it can heal us and make us whole—a lesson I well learned as I wore out all three of the Strings/Keys albums to the point that I had to buy duplicates._

_When she disappeared from the spotlight, I understood. I had gone through my own loss years before, and so I knew, intimately, the necessity for decisions such as those, but it didn’t keep me from being saddened that her music, her lyrics…they would no longer be there. So, you can imagine my intense, near giddy, exuberance when her name appeared on the new Seeking Endless Wonder album. It was only one track, but to me, it was everything, and then, around the offices here, news began to spread like wildfire. No one would call it a comeback. Why would we when for so many of us, she had never gone away, not truly? Yet, there was the undeniable fact that, as her name appeared on Liam Napier’s album, a production byline on his first single, the writer on his second, something was happening. Something within Myka Bering’s heart seemed to be stirring and many of us waited with bated breath and anticipation for what would happen next. What happened next was the press release we received about the opening of Warehouse 13 Studios, the notice that there could no longer be any doubt, in some small way, Myka Bering was returning to our lives. I was worried, because of course as we are wont to do, I felt a personal stake in this despite it not being my life, I wanted her to be ok. I wanted this to be the right move. I was ecstatic because it meant new music, that even if not written by her ,was impacted by her. The first album to come out of Warehouse 13 is ingenious. It was produced with a deft hand, with the right amount of heart and emotion and restraint, and when I listened to it, it was as though I was back in my college dorm room playing that Strings/Keys album for the first time. It wasn’t her voice, but it was her heart. There is anticipation for at least three more Warehouse 13 productions this year, and I, for one, will say, with my entire fangirl heart, that I cannot wait. The world should be waiting with bated breath for every single one of them, because there is just this feeling…that when Myka Bering touches any note of music…it will be destined to reach your soul._

Helena watched as a few tears slipped down Myka’s cheek, watched as Myka’s grip on the magazine slackened, a clear indication that she was done reading. She reached out a tentative hand to wrap around Myka’s knee, giving it a light squeeze, “Darling…”

Myka sucked in a tight breath, “It’s all you want, right? To know that the music you’ve created, the music you’ve poured your heart, your soul, sometimes what feels like your very being into, has impacted someone. Finding out it has…even when you’ve known, on some level that it has…”

“It reminds you of your purpose…”

Myka’s breath left her in a flood, “God…yes…thank you…” She turned and palmed Helena’s cheek, “Sometimes you just read my mind, and I kind of love that; that you just _know_ what I’m thinking.”

Helena gave her a soft smile, “How are all of those fears now?”

Myka rolled her eyes, knowing Helena could tell by the way that her eyebrows raised with the movement, “They’re a bit assuaged…” She let out a slow breath, gaze returning to the sunlight glinting off of the water. She laced her fingers with the ones Helena had resting against her knee, “I told you once that I missed being heard…”

“I remember,” Helena murmured.

“There was part of me that wasn’t sure that producing would really fill that void. I mean it’s my work, but it’s not really _mine_ ya know? Reading that…it just…it’s good to know…that somehow my voice is there…in its own way.”

“And you’re in turn also helping the voices of others be heard as well. That’s an immense gift, Myka.”

“I never imagined that this would be what I wanted to do, but now, I realize it’s what I was _meant_ to do.” Myka’s fingers strayed to the edge of the magazine. She couldn’t help herself, she flipped through the pages until she reached the feature piece on Phillip and Sally. Her eyes scanned the pages, but she refused to let her brain process them. She knew it was irrational to still be fueled by her anger, but the memory of what Sally had attempted to do, the wedge she tried to drive between her and Helena, it still stung enough to not allow her the gift of rationality. Still, she couldn’t help the question that left her mouth, “Did they say anything?”

“They said that the album wouldn’t have been possible without you. They said you were the first person to really believe in them, and that you helped them figure out who they were.”

“High praise considering…”

Helena watched the muscles in Myka’s jaw twitch and clench. She squeezed their entwined hands, “Do you regret it?”

“No,” Myka shook her head quickly. “I regret what could have been, between their talent and me really figuring out what I’m doing, but some things just aren’t worth the risk, the hurt, the frustration.”

“Have you talked to them?” Helena wasn’t sure what made her ask, and she suddenly realized she wasn’t sure if she wanted the answer. She couldn’t deny that she worried about Myka’s seemingly hasty decision to break ties with them, but she also knew that the thought of Sally still made her blood boil. 

Myka turned her head to give Helena a small smile, one that seemed to say she knew what Helena was thinking, “I had called Phillip last week and told him congratulations. I couldn’t ignore when it hit number one, it didn’t feel right, but I didn’t talk to her. I didn’t want to. She texted me though…that night.” Helena felt her muscles tighten involuntarily. This was what she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Myka tightened her grip on Helena’s hand, “It wasn’t much. She said she wanted to apologize, for how things ended, but even that, I could tell it was half-hearted. It felt like a ploy to get me back in her good graces.”

“Did you respond?”

“I said I appreciated the thought. She didn’t say anything back.”

“Piece of work that one.”

“Pretty much. Working with Zach…it’s only reinforced to me what a good choice I made. He makes it so easy, but not _too easy_ , and that’s how it should be.”

Helena smiled warmly, “He told me he’s getting a peek at your songbook next week.”

Myka chuckled, “Yeah, we wanted to mix things up a bit. He’s used a couple of ours, he has plenty of his own, but he asked if he might look at some of my stuff, and I figured what the hell. We might find something in there that his album needs, we’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Yes indeed, since for the foreseeable future, you are mine,” Helena tugged Myka’s chair closer to hers, whispering into her ear, “and we have plenty of things to keep us occupied besides relentless work talk.”

Myka felt a blush creep into her cheeks at the tone and implication of Helena’s words, “And here I thought I was visiting so we could sightsee…”

Helena stood up quickly, extending a hand to Myka and pulling her up, “I don’t know about you darling, but that was _exactly_ what I was talking about. Come,” she tugged Myka along, “we have a city to see.”

**

On Myka’s last night in Seattle, they were both sprawled out in bed, books propped up on both of their chests, content in the silence, happy to simply be connected through the tiniest pressure of Helena’s fingertips running along the back of Myka’s hand where it was resting against Helena’s thigh. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, Helena shut her book with a snap and flopped onto her side, giving Myka the cheesiest grin that Myka had ever seen. She propped her chin against the crook of Myka’s elbow, “Do you know what’s _exciting_?”

Myka gave her an incredulous look, slipping her finger into her book to hold her place, “What?”

Helena quirked her lips to place a tiny kiss to Myka’s bicep, “In a week…we will be in our bed…in our house…with no goodbyes in sight.”

Myka grinned, “Now that _is_ exciting.” She leaned down, despite the exaggerated angle, and caught Helena’s lips in a quick kiss, “I’m going to have to restock our tea supply.”

“You’re _going_ to have to relinquish all of my clothes that you have commandeered this summer.”

Myka screwed her face up in consideration, “Ya know? I don’t know if I’m capable of such a thing.”

Helena’s teeth flashed as she nipped at the crook of Myka’s elbow, “I will make you sleep on the couch, Myka Bering.”

Laughter shook Myka’s chest, “Uh huh, Swagger, I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“Do not tempt me…”

Myka tossed her book onto the nightstand, and flipped her body quickly so that Helena was suddenly underneath her. She gave her a salacious smirk, “Tempting enough for you?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Not quite what I meant darling.”

“Complaints?”

Helena’s fingers gripped around Myka’s shoulders as she tipped her hips up and forward, causing Myka’s breath to catch as she whispered, “None darling.”

**

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, late August, 2012_

The amount of effort it took Myka to actually get out of her car, to actually convince her muscles to move left her with a serious concern as to whether or not she was going to even be able to maneuver the steps of their porch, or if she would simply choose to curl up on the stairs and sleep right there. The fact that her bed was only a few feet away seemed irrelevant and unimportant in the face of the day she had just endured. She heaved her bag out of the backseat, hitching it over her shoulder, and instantly reminded herself that she needed to stop carrying so much shit around, even on long days, otherwise her muscles would never forgive her. She glanced down at her watch. It was only 8:30. She rolled her eyes with a groan, it was pathetic to be this tired, before the sun had even properly gone done. She remembered then with cold clarity her alarm jarring her from sleep at five in the morning, and realized that tonight her pathetic, exhausted nature would win, sunset or no.

She’d been having days like this more often than not lately, fifteen hour jags with absolutely no moments of peace, and though part of it was her fault, always determined to schedule as much as possible, it also didn’t help that St. Secord was in the middle of another expansion. Jack and Rebecca had been spending the summer in Denver, further expanding their corporate offices in the city, and because of that some things had slipped, like making sure fall deadlines and release dates were ready. In a near panic, they had scheduled a meeting with all of their producers in order to make sure that everyone was on the same page, insisting that everyone be in Denver by eight in order to have as much time as possible. They had offered to put up the Colorado Springs staff at hotels, to save them the early morning rush hour drive, which was bound to more than double the length of the trip and in hindsight, it seemed like an offer Myka shouldn’t have turned down. Yet she had opted to stay home last night, endure the painstaking alarm and the drive, because Helena was coming home, and she wanted to make sure that everything was ready for her homecoming. The last thing Helena needed to come home to was laundry and dishes, and so Myka had told Jack and Rebecca she’d put up with the drive. She hadn’t exactly done herself any favors by scheduling a recording session with Zach for the afternoon either, but again, it was something that needed to be done in light of Helena’s impeding return. Zach’s album was slated for release in late October and with the fact that she and Helena were going to be on vacation for a large portion of September, she knew that they needed as much studio time as possible in order to meet their deadline. She had known going into the day that it would be long and tiring, but she also knew that it would ultimately end with Helena coming home and so she told herself she would survive, regardless of exhaustion.  
She trudged up the porch stairs doing the mental math. The band was supposed to get in around 10:30, so she had time to shower and possibly catch the tiniest of power naps before Helena got there. When she opened the door every one of her senses was assaulted, and she realized just how tired she must be because _how on earth_ did she miss the fact that there were lights on in the living room? Her eyes adjusted to the soft glow of the lights, as her ears perked up at the strains of Nina Simone echoing out of the speakers, low, pulsing strains of bass that hit Myka right in the gut because, damn if she did not absolutely adore this song, a fact that Helena was _intimately_ aware of. Myka took in a deep breath letting the heavenly smell of whatever was cooking in the kitchen pierce her senses. She knew she needed to be moving her feet rather than standing in the doorway, lips tugged in an impossibly wide smile, feeling the beginning waves of anticipation washing over her nervous system, but she couldn’t will herself to budge one inch. She wanted to remember this moment, this first, unexpected, unanticipated, incredible moment of Helena finally being back _home_. 

As though reading her thoughts, Helena’s voice filtered out from the kitchen with a hint of light teasing, “Will you be loitering in the doorway all night darling, or will you actually get in here and see me at some point?”

Myka unfroze in an instant, her bag thumping against the floor as she sped into the kitchen. Helena’s back was to her, intent on stirring whatever it was that she was preparing on the stove. Myka stepped up behind her, slipping arms around her waist and placing the lightest of kisses to the back of her neck. Myka heard a tiny hum leave Helena’s throat at the sensation and she squeezed her arms a little tighter, murmuring against Helena’s skin, “You’re home…”

Helena adjusted one of the burners before resting her hands on Myka’s forearms and leaning her head back on Myka’s shoulder, “Surprised?”

Myka placed a kiss to Helena’s temple, which was too tantalizingly close to ignore, “I am _amazed_. Here I had grand plans of making sure that everything was set for you to get here, and you just up and beat me to it.”

Helena turned in Myka’s hold and shifted them so that they were away from the stove and she could lean against the counter, letting Myka’s body completely invade her space. She toyed with the ends of Myka’s curls, “We decided to get on the road earlier than planned. I think we were all quite ready to be home.”

“You should have texted me. I wouldn’t have stayed so late at the studio if I’d known you were here.”

“ _You_ have been surprising me all summer. Am I not allowed to return the favor?”

“ _Never_ ,” Myka smirked. Her eyes filtered towards the stove, “You didn’t need to make dinner though. You’ve been gone for months, we could have ordered something, or at least pulled something out of the freezer.”

Helena shrugged, “Call it a way of fulfilling my craving for normalcy.”

“Us ordering take out is extremely normal.”

Helena laughed lightly, “True though that may be, I’ve been eating out for three months. I was ready for some real food.”

“Real food it is then.”

Helena palmed Myka’s cheek, her thumb tracing over a prominent cheekbone, “You look tired my love.”

Myka gave a tiny nod, “It’s been a long day. Although,” she ran her hands up and down Helena’s back, “now that you’re here, I’m suddenly forgetting why I was so tired.”

Helena shifted forward and placed a light kiss to the corner of Myka’s mouth, “I believe that has something to do with your fifteen hour day love, which, regardless of me being here or not will catch up with you eventually, and I’d rather you didn’t pass out during dinner. This still needs a bit more time. Why don’t you go shower and when you’re done it’ll be ready.” A kind of unreadable look chased across Myka’s face which made Helena run her hands up and down Myka’s biceps, “Darling?”

Myka shook her head quickly, a full smile returning to her face, “Sorry. It’s just…I don’t know… _normalcy_ you know? I think…I think I was expecting, or maybe just worried that things would feel weird, that there would be some kind of transition period to you being back, but God…you’re _here_ and it just feels like…I don’t know…like you never left.”

Helena’s lips quirked with a faint smirk, “You won’t say that when you see the state of our bedroom now that all of my luggage has been dumped in there.”

Myka’s head tipped back with full laughter, “Tell me this, is it at least possible to get to our bed, or are we doomed to sleep on a heap of clothes tonight?”

Helena tilted her head in mock consideration, “Difficult to say. I _think_ I’ve left us a faint enough trail that we might be able to maneuver our way through.”

“Well, at least if I can’t make it to my closet, I have plenty of your clothes to steal if they’re all over the floor.”

Helena tipped her head back with an incredulous groan, “ _You and my clothes_! Though…I would highly advise against wading through the piles, they’ve been on the same bus as Pete for three months, clean or not they are all going in the washer tomorrow.”

Myka shuddered playfully, throwing her hands up in mock surrender, “Ok, ok, if you were looking for a way to keep your clothes to yourself _that_ was the perfect route to take, because, _gross_.”

Helena chuckled and leaned forward, catching Myka’s lips in a quick kiss, “God, I’ve missed you.”  
Myka couldn’t help the tease that tripped past her lips, “It’s been like five days since you saw me.”

Helena gave her a pointed look, “Says the woman who has shown zero inclination to leave my side and go get a shower.”

The grin that had been playing at Myka’s lips fell away, her bottom lip curling under her teeth as she moved to link her fingers with Helena’s, “I know…I just kind of can’t believe you’re here, and knowing that it’s not just for a couple of days, but that you’re _home_ …it hasn’t quite sunk in yet.”

Helena arched her eyebrow playfully, though her tone belied a certain seriousness behind her question, “Think you can handle having me around again? You haven’t gotten too used to having the place to yourself?”

The only way Myka could think to properly respond was to kiss her, soundly. Myka’s lips hit Helena’s with a ferocity that she reveled to hear made Helena’s breath catch in her throat. Even when she felt her own lungs burning with a need for air, Myka couldn’t bring herself to stop, not yet, not until Helena _knew_ , knew how insane those questions were. Those questions which were so far from how she felt she wasn’t sure she had the proper words to answer them. When she pulled away she thrilled to see the flush in Helena’s cheeks, the way that her chest was fighting with a bit more effort for air, the incapability of her eyes to fully open for a few seconds after. Myka pressed another, lighter kiss to her mouth and whispered, “Does that answer your questions?”

When Helena finally opened her eyes they were bright, clear, _contented_ , “Completely darling.”

**

The reality that Helena was actually _home_ and not some sort of foolish, exhaustion-induced hallucination didn’t hit Myka until she finally heeded Helena’s words and took herself upstairs to take a shower. When she walked into their room, it took her a moment to process, to take in what she was actually seeing, because besides the aforementioned piles of laundry that were scattered across the floor, everything else was just _there_. Her eyes stole to all the innocent little corners of the room, the tiny spaces that had made her most attuned to Helena’s absence the last three months, taking in all the ways that Helena was already repossessing her space in their room. Her phone was charging on her nightstand, resting atop the latest book that she was reading. Her bathrobe was strewn across the end of the bed, the scent of her perfume lingering in the air around their dresser, evidence that she had already taken a shower before Myka got home. There was a stack of journals piled onto the window seat at the far end of the room, one of them lying open on the top of the pile, a pen nestled between the pages, marking her spot. Myka couldn’t stop staring, letting all of it settle into her chest, filling in the hole that had been made by all of this _emptiness_ through the summer. It felt like a weight was permeating through her, one that felt like it was grounding her rather than dragging her down, allowing her feet to settle solidly on the ground, no longer threatening to float away or disappear in the wake of the uncertainty and instability of the summer. Everything just felt…back to normal, like they were back to how they always had been.

Yet, Myka knew, intimately, that they were no longer who they had always been and the normal she felt now, would never be the normal she had felt before Helena had left in May. She knew that they had been intrinsically changed by the last three months, and while before, before Helena had left, when everything had been riddled with unknowns, when they were still figuring out how they would do this, the thought that they would be changed by three months apart terrified her, now that they were on the other end of it, she found that the reality had settled around her with a kind of comfort. She knew they were still _them_ , that had certainly not changed, there were things about their relationship that remained firmly and unequivocally unchanged, yet there was _something_. Something unknowable and without name had shifted, and rather than filling Myka with doubt, as she had once feared it would, it filled her with certainty. 

She would never deny that the summer had been hard. If she was being completely honest with herself, she had to admit that it had been harder than she ever expected. Every little thing that went wrong, every word that had been misunderstood had been magnified under the pressure of being apart. Every fight, though they had been few and far between, had felt like there was so much more at stake, because silence and screaming, fear and worry, had to be shouted louder in order to be heard across the miles. Yet…in spite of the difficulty, in spite of the bumps they had hit, the last three months had left her with the brightest of clarities. It wasn’t that she hadn’t _known_ , and known for longer than she could process, that she and Helena were a thing of fixed, absolute permanence for her. She knew that the love she had received, the love that she had given was unlike anything she had experienced. And yet, it had taken these three months, these three months of phone calls and text messages, of stolen moments across computer screens that she would never admit to even under duress, of surprise visits that lingered, lasted, or raced by, of thousands of lyrics exchanged in a myriad of ways, those were everything she needed to realize in a deeper, fundamentally life-altering way that whatever happened next, she didn’t care what it was as long as she was with Helena. The summer had felt like a kind of purifying fire, bringing with it an unique sort of pain and pleasure, one of heaviness and lightness, one of heated desire and cold reality, that had left them at the end of it a more fully formed, solidly made, resilient, brighter, _better_ , almost more perfect version of themselves. 

As Myka looked around their room, their laundry covered, lavender smelling room, as she heard the quiet lilt of Helena’s voice filtering up the stairs as she sang along with the radio, as she felt the undeniable power and presence of Helena being back in the house, she let the reality settle into her bones that they had survived. She had feared they wouldn’t, that they would come out of the summer battered and broken and bruised, and yet, here she was…filled and certain and feeling more whole than she had felt in all of the years that had raced by since she was the one of the road, when she feared that no relationship could survive that much strain. It had taken longer than it should have, to let go of that fear, to let go of that worry, but here she was, finally, once and for all ready to take on a life, a world where being in love with a musician wasn’t actually the worst thing in the world, but could in fact be the greatest thing that had ever happened to her.

**  
_Everything comes full circle_. It was all Myka could think as they laid in bed with the windows open, the late summer breeze spreading a tinge of coolness to their room and bringing with it a breath of floral air from the tree that was in full bloom outside their room. It all felt so akin to their last night together before the tour that Myka wondered, albeit foolishly, if they had fallen into some kind of time slip. She was almost certain they had, as just like that night so many months ago, she couldn’t keep her eyes from following the tracks of the moonlight that were dancing across Helena’s woefully, barely visible skin. When they had gotten ready for bed, Helena had looked at Myka with a teasing purposefulness as she tugged her Clash shirt over her head, shooting her a quick wink and declaring it was simply the beginning of her taking back her clothes. Myka had tugged her in by the hem of her shirt, and whispered that she had a feeling she wouldn’t be wearing it for very long, which had drawn an immediate blush into Helena’s cheeks accompanied by a throaty chuckle. 

Yet, here they were, huddled together amongst the sheets with Helena still _very much clothed_ , because the second they had fallen into bed, they had started talking, and somehow, despite the late hour, despite the fact that Myka was creeping towards having been up for almost twenty hours, they couldn’t bring themselves to stop. Myka was trying so hard to focus on the words coming out of Helena’s mouth but the moonlight seemed determined to make that a superhuman feat because it just kept catching Helena’s skin at all the right angles to drive Myka insane, filtering through at the bend of her elbow, the slant of her wrist, the arch of her neck. Myka sucked in what she hoped was a subtle, shaky breath, as the light once again caught the tiny strip of skin at Helena’s stomach, only made visible by Myka’s hand being splayed underneath her shirt, enjoying the simple feeling of Helena’s muscles contracting and releasing with her breath. She didn’t know how it was possible, but Jesus Christ, somehow she forgot sometimes how damn distracting this woman was. Helena’s voice jarred Myka out of her reverie, “And that’s when I decided Pete was the smartest person on earth.” Myka blinked rapidly, “Wait, what?”

Helena’s body shook with laughter, causing the muscles underneath Myka’s hand to ripple and threaten to drag her under in distraction again, “I _knew_ you weren’t paying attention.”

Myka’s face fell with embarrassment, “I’m sorry…”

Helena’s eyes tracked over Myka with the kind of curiosity that made Myka feel like an empty journal page, like a new set of blueprints, like something Helena was trying to piece together one word, one inch at a time. Helena’s eyes squinted slightly, as she ran a hand through Myka’s curls, “Where’d you go on me just now?”

“Nowhere…I’m here…trust me.” Myka wasn’t sure why she was hesitant to answer, to simply say the obvious that sometimes she was so mind-boggled, bowled over, and stunned by Helena just being _Helena_ that she got lost in it.

Helena arched an eyebrow and rolled from her back to lie face to face with Myka, letting Myka’s hand drift from her stomach to drape over her hip, “You can’t honestly think that I believe that right? I can see you thinking love.”

Myka gave Helena’s hip a small squeeze, “I just got a little lost is all.” Again, Myka didn’t know why she was hedging, but she felt like if she started down this train of thought, she’d never stop, and suddenly every single thought she’d ever had about Helena, about them, about their life would come spilling out.

“Lost in what?”

Finally, Myka just let one word slip, “You.”

Helena’s lips quirked in the tiniest of smirks, before she took in the look on Myka’s face, the seeming worry that was there, the hint of embarrassment. She slid impossibly closer to Myka, their bodies completely flush against each other, giving Myka a teasing smile, “Now that is something you never have to apologize for. If anything, _I_ should be sorry for pulling you away from such an _incredible_ distraction.”

“You are never _not_ distracting.” Myka took a deep breath, knowing that _something_ was just waiting to crack, to break out of her chest, and she didn’t know whether or not she should try and stop it. She bought herself the tiniest scrap of time, “Can I tell you something?”

Helena felt a pulse of worry throb in her chest. There was something in Myka’s tone that made her feel unsettled, but she kept her voice steady, “Anything darling.”

“There was part of me…a really, _really_ tiny part, that was worried that we weren’t going to survive this summer,” Myka tried to gauge Helena’s reaction, but her face remained completely still, so Myka had no choice but to continue. “It wasn’t that I was worried that we’d stop loving each other, or anything like that really, it’s just…tours are so hard, and I know I tried to seem so confident, so _ok_ , but God I was terrified. Terrified at the thought of losing this, terrified that I would end up wishing I had heeded the thought I had the night I first met you.”

Helena’s face finally betrayed a hint of emotion as her forehead crinkled in wonder, “What thought was that?”

Myka took a deep breath. She’d never told Helena this, at least not in specifics. She had hinted at it, made vague reference to it, but to actually talk about her thoughts _that night_ , that was something she hadn’t intended to bring up if she was being honest, because _why_ did it matter now? Yet, the words seemed to just flow out of her, “When I went back up to my apartment that night, I knew, in some weird, unknowable kind of way, that I was dangerously close to falling for you already. That damn voice of yours…it just…it knocked me completely off my feet, but I told myself that night that I couldn’t do it, _shouldn’t_ do it, _wouldn’t_ do it because you were a singer and I’d been down that road, and I had always promised myself that I wouldn’t fall for another musician again, because it was too hard and it led to too many potential roads riddled with heart break. But damn if you weren’t determined to make me fall in love with you…not that my heart gave me much of a choice in the matter either.”

A momentary flash of concern raced across Helena’s face, “Do I dare ask why _that’s_ what you were thinking about just now?”

Myka gave her a bright smile, “Because looking at you…I can’t imagine any scenario in which falling in love with you wasn’t the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Because tonight when I looked at all of your stuff and really _felt_ that you were home, I realized that all of my stupid worries were pointless, because I don’t care about tours or time zones or distance or _anything_ really, as long as I know that no matter where each of us are at any given moment, we love each other, and I know that sounds corny and maybe a bit overly sentimental, but I don’t know…I just… _you’re here_ …and I feel like this summer has only made us… _better_ …for lack of a more proper word, and I just never imagined that, I never thought it was possible…and I am exhausted and I’m rambling and probably making absolutely zero sense.” 

Myka’s voice trailed away in an incredulous ghost of laughter, but Helena didn’t let the echo of it linger. She placed her palm lightly against Myka’s cheek, “Exhausted or not, rambling or not, you are making perfect sense. Before I left…we both were trying so hard to seem like we weren’t worried, but Myka…I was as petrified as you were. I had no idea how any of this was going to work, and honestly…since you left Seattle last week, I’ve been a nervous wreck about how it was going to be coming home. I was worried things would feel strange. I was worried that somehow my place here would feel different, that our lives would have shifted too much to simply go back to how they were, but I walked in tonight, and you had left the damn kitchen light on and our water bottles were in the refrigerator, and it all just sank back into place. I know some things have changed. How could they not, considering everything that has happened over the last three months? Yet, I know, with more certainty than I have ever known before that building a life with you, amidst the tours and the chaos and the crazy…it’s all I could ever hope for.”

Myka bit down on her lip to staunch the swell of tears that were threatening to spill over. She let out a watery chuckle, “We are hopeless…unequivocally hopeless.”

“Our own particular brand of crazy, right?”

Myka couldn’t stop her smile, “Absolutely right, Swagger.”

Helena sighed, “God, I know I need to let you sleep…bloody hell _I_ need to sleep, seeing as I do have sound check in a very minimal amount of hours…”

“But…” Myka teased with a tiny waggle of her eyebrows.

“ _But_ …at the moment I am finding it particularly difficult to imagine doing anything other than keeping you awake a little longer darling.”  
Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “That is the politest proposition I have ever heard in my life.”

Helena arched an eyebrow and let her voice sink into a lower register, “Oh Myka, would you like the less polite version? It has been _so terribly long_ since I’ve made you blush…”

“Helena…” Myka tried to make her voice sound like a warning, but it come out as something more akin to pleading.

Helena leaned in, letting out a husky chuckle in Myka’s ear, “Shall I tell you how much I want you? How it was only thoughts of you… _of us_ …that got me through the worst parts of this summer? How many ways I have envisioned this exact moment in my mind, replaying it over and over again?”

“Jesus…” Myka couldn’t formulate any other coherent thoughts, entranced by the movement of Helena’s fingers performing a light, teasing dance up and down her thigh, feeling her body already responding to the sensation, her mind a foggy haze, instantaneously hypnotized, completely captured under Helena’s spell.

Helena let her fingers drift with only the barest amount of pressure up the inside of Myka’s thigh as she placed a kiss below Myka’s ear, before she whispered, “Tell me you aren’t tired…”

It took every ounce of Myka’s cognitive strength to actually respond, though her words were a feeble display of ineloquence, “Wide awake.”

Helena firmly rolled Myka onto her back, teeth chasing down her neck, speaking her own final coherent words against the curve of Myka’s shoulder, “Let’s see if I can keep you that way…at least for the foreseeable future.”

It was true that they’d been together plenty through the summer, never enough to keep them both completely happy and satisfied, but enough to take the edge off of the hopeless desperation that can only arise from being apart for so long. It was true that Myka had been in Seattle less than a week ago. It was true that Claudia had given them both pointed looks one morning and indicated that she was looking forward to no longer being in such close proximity to their living space. However, true as all those things might have been, it didn’t change the fact that this…this happening amidst sheets that felt like home and pillows that smelled like the intermingling of their shampoos, with the moonlight from that godforsaken sunlight slanting over them, with them firmly ensconced in their own house, in their own room, in their own bed, without any worry or thought to when the next flight left or when the next visit would be, without any distractions or worries, with nothing but each other to focus on, this was far greater than all of those moments through the summer combined. 

It was this, watching Myka arch beneath her, hearing her gasp and cry out with abandon, without the concern of who might be listening, feeling Myka break apart and come back together all through the slightest movements of her fingers, it was every sensation and sound and touch that made Helena finally, fully, completely feel as though she was back home.

**  
Myka merged onto the highway, feeling Helena shift and settle next to her. She chanced a quick glance Helena’s way, to see her eased back in her seat, the sunlight reflecting off of her sunglasses, her hair being pulled back from her shoulders by the wind racing through the car from the open windows. Myka had to look away, otherwise driving was going to become extremely difficult. She unlinked her hand from Helena’s where they had been clasped atop the gear shift, and adjusted the radio, turning the volume up slightly, before returning her hand to Helena’s. 

A bluesy guitar strain flooded the car, bringing an immediate smile to Myka’s face. She heard more than saw Helena’s head turn towards her, and she swore she could hear the smirk on Helena’s face, “It isn’t fall yet darling.”

Myka’s lips pulled in small grin, knowing exactly what Helena was talking about but feigning ignorance anyway, “Of that I am well aware Swagger.”

“ _Tom Petty_. If I recall correctly, the first thing I ever learned about you was that Tom Petty was very specifically the soundtrack for your fall induced giddiness.”

Myka risked another quick look towards the passenger seat and gave Helena a devastatingly bright smile, “Claudia was only half right about that. She missed one very vital thing.”

“And what’s that darling?”

“Tom Petty is _also_ my good mood music.”

Helena tried her best to restrain the smile that overtook her face as she squeezed Myka’s hand and said playfully, “You’re in a good mood?”

Myka’s laughter, warm and bright and full, resounded through the car, as she pulled their entwined hands up to kiss Helena’s knuckles, “Oh Swagger…you have no idea.”

Helena couldn’t help herself, “Care to share why?”

Myka gave her one more quick glance, another overwhelming smile, “You’re home…and I am over the moon, Tom Petty blasting happy about that.”

Helena chuckled, “I never would have guessed love.”

Myka grinned and reached up to adjust the volume slightly higher. They didn’t need anymore words, just the next hour in the car, with the sunlight, the blue skies, and some damn good music.

**

_Red Rocks Amphitheater, Morrison, Colorado, August 31, 2012 (second to last show of the tour)_

“Bloody hell, this place is gigantic.”  
Myka slipped an arm around Helena’s waist, taking in the view before them. She gave her waist a squeeze, “It’s because it’s empty.”

A bit of the color had drained from Helena’s cheeks, “Be that as it may, I _do not_ remember it being this big. Myka…how many people can fit in here?”

Myka cringed slightly, “Do you want the real answer?”

“Yes.”

“About 9,500.”

“Jesus…and we’ve sold out both shows.”

Myka moved to stand in front of Helena, bringing her hands up to rest on her shoulders, “Hey…Sweets…look at me.” Helena rolled her eyes, but met Myka’s gaze with a mixture of reluctance and trepidation. Myka gave her what she hoped was a smile of reassurance, “Hell yes you sold out both shows, because you guys are incredible, because this is your home, because these people, a lot of whom probably saw you guys when you were playing clubs that fit barely _two hundred_ people, cannot wait to see you, cannot wait to scream their _bloody_ heads off for you.” That at least served to get a tiny wisp of laughter from Helena. Myka eased her hands up and down Helena’s biceps, “You’ve got this. I know it’s big, but Helena, you’ve been playing in front of thousands of people all summer. This is no different, except for the fact that most of the people here tonight feel like you guys are _theirs_ which means they’ll only love the show more, no matter what.”

“You played here before, right?”

The question threw Myka for a second. Helena wasn’t usually so forward with those sorts of questions, but Myka knew it was the nerves, and if she was being honest, she didn’t really mind the questions, not anymore. She gave her a small smile, “A couple of times, yeah.”

“And…”

“ _And_ I looked exactly like you do right now. I was petrified, but I mean it when I say those shows are some of my best memories. The sound of this place. The view you’re going to have from the stage. The fact that this is your hometown crowd. Knowing you’re playing on a stage that has been graced by legends. All of that makes the nerves disappear.”

Helena’s lip curled under her teeth, her eyes tracking over Myka’s shoulder to the empty seats below them, “9,500 people, huh?” 

“9,500 people who are going to adore you Swagger, who _already_ adore you.”

Helena ran a hand through her hair, “This is insane. Absolutely bloody insane.”

“And absolutely bloody awesome.”  
“I’m going to hold you to that.”

Myka grinned, “You do that Swagger.”

**

That night, Myka watched from the wings with Amanda. They had decided that they would save the actual front row seats for the last night, especially since every single person they knew was planning on being at that show, so they would be flanked by them, rather than the screaming masses that were taking up the first few rows for this particular show. 

All of Helena’s nerves seemed to evaporate the second she stepped onto the stage, not that Myka had expected anything less, but she also knew what stepping onto this particular stage felt like, how it could threaten to overwhelm you with its immensity, its beauty. From the first note, the first perfect note of Helena’s voice, Myka let out the breath she had been holding, Helena was going to be fine, she was going to be as insanely brilliant as she always was. 

The highlight of the show came about midway through when Steve was able to welcome Liam out with them. They’d been doing a cover of “Come Pick Me Up” all summer, and they had asked him to join them for one of these final shows. Myka couldn’t help the smile on her face as she watched Liam and Steve joking on stage, Helena playfully dragging Liam away and towards a microphone so they could start singing, and she wondered if this was what it had felt like for Amanda in St. Louis, watching her and Helena. The crowd went absolutely wild for them, for the added bonus of getting to see Steve and Liam together, for getting to hear Liam perform. 

As they finished and Liam gave a final wave to the crowd, Amanda leaned into Myka’s shoulder, “If you think they went nuts for Liam…imagine how they’re going to react tomorrow night.”

Despite her smile, a tingle of nerves ran up Myka’s spine. They had decided on this plan after Albuquerque. Helena had been hesitant to ask, especially when Myka _hadn’t_ wanted to perform in New Mexico, so Myka had been the one to bring it up, to offer it, because it _was_ Red Rocks and it _was_ a hometown crowd, and honestly, even before St. Louis, Myka had imagined that if there was ever going to be a perfect time to do this, it would have been during one of these two shows. Helena had said it was whatever Myka wanted, and Myka had told her she wanted this. St. Louis had been incredible, and she could only imagine having that type of moment in Colorado, on a stage she had played before. The bad had decided that they would divvy up Liam and Myka’s appearances in order to make the shows feel balanced. Liam had gotten the first show, the last one was all Myka’s, and now that it was so close, now that she remembered just what a hometown crowd sounded and looked like, well, she couldn’t help but feel a little nervous, _excited_ , but overwhelmingly nervous.

**

Later that night, curled up in bed, when Helena was usually still awash in a post-show haze of euphoria and exhaustion, Myka realized that she had never seen Helena so quiet after a show. She was usually pulsing with adrenaline, which manifested in any number of ways that were very much _not_ evident tonight. Myka squeezed her lightly around the waist where she was curled up against Myka’s shoulder, her front flush to Myka’s side, “You ok down there?”

“Fine darling…just a bit tired.”

“Well, it’s been a long day, running on not a lot of sleep. Plus, after three months I think you’re allowed a bit of tiredness.”

“Indeed. I have a feeling that when we get on that plane next week, it’s all going to hit me and I’m going to sleep the entire flight.”

Myka gave a soft chuckle, “I’ll be sure to pack plenty of entertainment for myself then.” They lapsed back into silence, until a thought occurred to Myka that made so much sense she couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about it before. She pressed a kiss to the top of Helena’s head, whispering into her hair, “It’s ok to say you’re going to miss it, Helena.” Myka heard Helena give the barest hint of a sniffle, knowing that she was trying to hide it, but there was no mistaking the trickle of moisture that Myka felt hit her shoulder. She eased Helena off of her shoulder so she could roll and face her, thumbing away the tears that were on Helena’s cheeks, “Oh Sweets…”

“It’s all just a bit overwhelming…” Helena whispered.

Myka pushed Helena’s hair back from her forehead, “It absolutely is. This has been your life for three months, of course you’re going to miss it, and feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that it’s ending and all of the adjustments that come with that.”

“It all sort of hit me tonight, all at once, and well…”

“Here we are.”

“I just…I just feel bad…”

“Oh no, oh _hell no_ , uh uh, don’t go there on me, Helena.”

“Myka…”

Myka shook her head quickly, “Nope. Here, I’ll get it _all_ out for you. I, in absolutely no way, begrudge you saying that you enjoyed the hell out of this summer. I am _ecstatic_ that you did, that I got to see you as crazy happy as you are on stage. I do not think, at all, whatsoever, that you missing the road means you aren’t happy to be home. We’ve had this conversation before, _a zillion times_. You can cry and be sad and be exhausted and be happy and I am here for all of those emotions. Trust me.”ecstatic that you did, that I got to see you as crazy happy as you are on stage. I do not think, at all, whatsoever, that you missing the road means you aren’t happy to be home. We’ve had this conversation before, _a zillion times_. You can cry and be sad and be exhausted and be happy and I am here for all of those emotions. Trust me.”

Helena gave Myka a serene, though watery, smile, “Took the words right out of my mouth.”

“Because I get it. I love you and I get it. I mean, yes, touring was never my thing, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel this way too, on some level, when tours ended. It’s hard. It’s particularly hard when you’ve been having the time of your life.”

Helena leaned forward, brushing a light kiss against Myka’s lips, “Thank you.”

Myka scratched her nails against Helena’s scalp, eliciting a small hum, “My gorgeous rock star…”

Helena grinned, “Whatever will you do when I’m back to my button downs and yoga pants?”

“Hey…no one pulls off swagger and yoga pants better than you.”

“What can I say? It’s a gift.”

“Something like that,” Myka winked. She sidled a bit closer to Helena, “You know…as much as you’re going to miss touring, I am also going to miss watching you guys, hearing the stories, the late-night phone calls when you were just dying to tell me how it went, seeing the way you perform. It’s been amazing to watch…”

“Telling me you want me back out on tour already? Geez, I’m home _one day_ …”

Myka rolled her eyes and pinched at Helena’s waist, “Oh yes, precisely that.” Myka’s laughter echoed through the room at the look on Helena’s face, “You’re ridiculous, and I love you, and I am _desperately_ happy to have you home.”

“Believe me darling, no amount of tour nostalgia could _ever_ compare to how it feels being back here with you.”

“Think you’ve got enough swagger left for one more show?”

Helena’s grin was wicked, devilish, “Oh love, you should know by now, _I_ have swagger for _days_.”

Myka let out a mock dramatic sigh, “ _How_ could I _ever_ forget?”

**

_Red Rocks Amphitheater, Morrison, Colorado, September 1, 2012 (last night of the tour)_

The entire aura the last day was one of exuberance mixed with sadness. Everyone seemed a bit more focused, a bit more intent on making sure that everything went _exactly_ right, that there were no mistakes, not on the last night. Myka could sense the veritable electricity in the air from the moment that she and Helena arrived before sound check. Everyone knew this was it, and no one wanted to be the person responsible for making the final night of what had been an incredible tour, especially for a _first_ tour, anything short of perfect.  
Sound check went quickly. In all honesty, it being the second night of back to back shows in the same venue meant they probably didn’t _need_ sound check, but all of them had wanted to be _sure_. Helena had also been adamant that they needed at least one run through with Myka in order that nothing went awry, nothing caught anyone by surprise. Myka had been silently grateful for her insistence, feeling as though she needed at least one moment on that huge stage to get her bearings, collect herself, before there were thousands of people in front of her. Everything went smoothly; Myka’s monitors didn’t need any adjustment from St. Louis, and despite the fact that she caught Helena whispering something to the rest of the band when they had finished, everything seemed ready to go. 

Myka walked Helena back to her dressing room, stopping in front of it and giving Helena’s hand a tight squeeze. Helena gave her a scrutinizing look, “You look like a woman who has no intention of following me into that room.”

Myka gave her a tiny grin, “That’s probably because that’s precisely what I am.”

Helena rolled her eyes and opened the door, tugging Myka inside, “Just get in here for two seconds.” Helena gave her a pointed look once they were inside, behind the firmly closed door, “You _can_ stay.”

“I am well aware I can stay, _however_ , I am going to go up front and wait for the families to descend. Lord knows there are going to be enough of them to require herding. Plus, it’s your last night. Enjoy it, with your routines and your pre-show rituals. Take this time with the other three, not with me. You’ve got me for the next God knows how many months. You only get tonight, _tonight_.”

Helena looped her arms around Myka’s neck with a smirk, “You’re very sweet, did you know that?”

Myka shrugged, “I have my moments.”

“Well…I will let you walk out that door on one condition.”

Myka wrapped her arms around Helena’s waist, anticipating the request that was about to come, “And what condition is that?”

“One last kiss for good luck.”

Myka gave her a crooked smile, “That’s a condition I can accept.” Myka pulled Helena in, one hand chasing up to comb through her hair. She didn’t linger, she certainly didn’t let it escalate, but made sure that it felt like _enough_. 

Helena rocked back on her heels when they parted, a shaky breath leaving her lips. She gave Myka an almost shy look, “Tell me…one last time for the road.”

Myka leaned down and kissed her one more time, before whispering against her lips, “Go get ‘em Swagger.”  
**

Pete snapped a KitKat in half and handed two of the sticks to Helena with a grin, “I think I’ve seen you eat more sugar this summer than I had the entire year and a half prior.”

Helena took a small bite of her half, bumping into Pete’s shoulder with her own, “You are a _horrible_ influence Peter.”

“All part of my charm.” Pete’s eyes drifted out to the empty theater, taking in the light glinting off of the cliffs surrounding the seats. He let out a small sigh, kicking his feet back and forth where they hung over his drum platform, “One more show.”

Helena nodded beside him, her gaze following his own, “One more show.”

“It’s been one hell of a summer.”

“I don’t believe I could have put it better myself, at least not at this precise moment.”

Pete leaned against Helena’s shoulder, giving her a goofy look and a waggle of his eyebrows, “You gonna miss me?”

Helena rolled her eyes with a laugh, though her tone when she spoke was a little quiet, “I’m fairly certain I’ll still be seeing you practically everyday Peter.”

Pete’s jaw dropped and he pointed an eager finger at Helena, “You are _totally_ going to miss me!”

Helena scoffed, but then nudged Pete’s head off of her shoulder and settled her own onto his. She stayed silent for a moment, taking in the view for a few more seconds, until finally whispering, “Of course I am…”

Pete smiled and dropped a quick kiss to the top of her head. He’d never anticipated that by the end of the summer Helena would be the person he was most grateful for, but having her there, being able to talk to her when he was struggling, being able to be there for her when she and Myka were struggling, it had allowed them to develop a friendship he had never quite envisioned existing. He settled his head against hers, taking in this last view of this last theater, “I’m going to miss you too.”

Helena sighed, “What do you say? One last picture?”

Pete grinned and pulled out his phone, “Can’t kill our routine on the last night now can we?”

**

Kelly gathered the four of them together with minutes to spare before the lights went down. She took a deep breath and gave them all a reassuring smile, “I don’t do big speeches. So I will just say, go out there and finish this tour with the amazing, ass-kicking energy you’ve had all summer.” As if on cue, a ground swell of shouts rose up from the crowd. Kelly chuckled, “Your adoring fans await. Go knock ‘em off their feet.”

**

Helena stood in the tiny room beneath Pete’s drums, waiting for the bass to kick in, for that inevitable moment when it reverberated through her chest, for that moment when she knew she was seconds away from flashes of light and screams. She knew tonight, those first few rows, the only rows she was ever truly able to see would be filled with familiar faces. Myka’s family, Pete’s family, Vanessa, Wolly. She knew if she thought about it enough it would make her nervous, and tonight was certainly not a night for nerves. 

Pete’s drums echoed louder above her and she heard Claudia’s guitar scream through the opening chords. It was time. She took a deep breath and did what she had done every single night, before every single show; she closed her eyes and pictured Myka, imagined that she was going out to sing only to her. The thought brought an immediate smile to her face, filling her with a lightness that she associated solely with thoughts of Myka. It was because of that that when the doors opened and the smoke surrounded her, when she stepped onto that stage for the last time this summer, she was ready to once again take the stage.

**

Being in the crowd was so entirely different, that Myka was almost glad that she and Amanda had waited, had _saved_ this experience for the best possible moment. As Helena’s voice echoed in her ears and mingled with the voices of the thousands of people behind her, voices that knew every single word, Myka couldn’t stop herself from joining them full force, no holds barred. She and Amanda and everyone else there with them, even she laughed to see her own mother, got absolutely lost in the show, dancing and singing like they were nothing but adoring fans. 

They sounded better than Myka had heard all summer, and you could feel the energy, the happiness _exuding_ off of them. Myka couldn’t stop herself from thinking back to that first night, that first almost hesitant mixing and mingling of their voices and instruments together, and being completely baffled and thrilled all over again at how far they had come. It was almost enough to overwhelm her, but she swallowed down her emotion. She had to, because it was almost time for her to sneak backstage, and because she wanted absolutely nothing to prevent her from enjoying every single second of this night.

**

It wasn’t St. Louis. It was _better_ than St. Louis. That’s all Myka could think as she sang into Helena’s mic with her, their eyes meeting every time one of them looked at the other. Aybe it was the sheer joy and excitement of the crowd when Helena had introduced her. Maybe it was because she had caught several glimpses of her mom and Tracy, smiling through their tears as they watched her sing. Maybe it was being on this particular stage. Maybe it was just that she had moved on more than she really knew. Whatever it was, sharing this stage with Helena, letting their voices drift across almost ten thousand people and hearing them echo back at them off of the cliff sides, Myka wasn’t sure she had ever in her entire life been happier.

**

Myka gave another, final wave to the crowd before turning and giving Helena a quick kiss and moving off stage with quick steps. It was only once she was backstage and making her way back towards her seat that she was able to hear what Helena was saying to the crowd. 

Helena’s voice sounded a little jagged, rough with emotion and three months of overuse, “So…now that she’s offstage and can’t threaten to not sing with me if I embarrass her, I’m going to most likely do just that…however…it is rather necessary in order to introduce our next song.”

Myka’s heart had been beating quickly before, adrenaline rushing through her veins from the crowd, but now it sped up for entirely different reasons. She had no idea what the hell Helena was talking about, though it was clearly about her. She threaded her way down their row of seats, settling back between her mom and Tracy, and giving Helena a confused look, even if she wasn’t sure she could actually see it from the stage.

Helena arched an eyebrow at her, apparently her look had been _quite_ noticeable, and then continued to address the crowd, “We have a new song for you tonight, one that we’ve been saving specifically for tonight, for this particular crowd, and here’s where the embarrassment _might_ come into play. When I first moved to this amazing place, I didn’t really know what to expect. I certainly can’t say I expected to be playing in front of thousands of people in a place that I without a doubt consider to be my _home_ quite so quickly, and I _absolutely_ didn’t expect to fall in love.” The crowd let out a collective “aww” that made Helena chuckle, “At least you all find this endearing, I may be in a _distinct_ amount of trouble when I get home tonight, however, I cannot sing this song without making sure that the person it’s for knows without a doubt that it is _for her_. I have gained so many things from moving here, from making this place my home, but nothing could ever top, could ever compare to finding you, Myka.” 

The crowd went absolutely ballistic, and Myka was sure her cheeks were so red that Helena could see them from the stage, but that didn’t keep her from smiling, albeit through a watery sheen of tears as Helena grabbed her mic and called out, “This one’s called ‘Still Into You.’”

Myka wanted to pay attention to the intricacies of Pete and Claudia’s music, to the amazing bass line that Steve had written, to how this sounded unlike anything they’d ever come up with before, but she knew all hope of that was lost. She fought against the tangle of thoughts that were chasing around her head. She had already missed the first line, and so she willed her mind to _focus_. There would be plenty of other times to listen for the details, because right now, all she wanted to do was take in the rest of the words that were leaving Helena’s mouth as she slid across the stage. 

_“It’s not a walk in the park to love each other…but when our fingers interlock…I can’t deny…can’t deny…you’re worth it…cause after all this time…I’m still into you…”_  
Myka shook her head with a tiny laugh. She would have to ask Helena when she wrote this, what inspired the very true statement that sometimes they made loving each other so impossibly difficult, more difficult than it ever should be. Yet, she knew exactly what Helena was talking about. No matter what, despite everything that had happened this summer, all she wanted was them.

The rest of the music dropped out as Pete played a blazing run of notes into the chorus, before Claudia and Steve joined back in, as Helena’s voice, with all its late summer rasp and that unmistakable, indescribable _something_ that left Myka weak at the knees, tore through the chorus.

_“I should be over all the butterflies but I’m into you…and baby even on our worst nights I’m into you…let ‘em wonder how we got this far…cause I don’t really need to wonder at all…yeah after all this time I’m still into you.”_

Now Myka was definitely crying, unabashedly crying, despite the smile on her face, because em>God, she had not been prepared for this. She hadn’t been prepared for Helena to have found the absolutely perfect way of describing their relationship in light of the last three months. She hadn’t been prepared for Helena to _sing her a love song_ in front of 9,500 people. 

Again, she wondered _when_ …when Helena wrote this. What it was that had inspired her to say she loved her even on their worst nights. She wondered what had gone through Helena’s head to write such a blatant kiss off to all the questions they got about how they made their relationship work, how they handled all their baggage, how they _survived_. What made her assert, affirm, that it didn’t matter what questions anyone else had, all that mattered was that _they knew_.

Her attention was pulled back to the stage by Helena shooting her a wink and seeming to smile at her mom.

_“Recount the night that I first met your mother…and on the drive back to my house…I told ya that…told ya that I loved ya…you felt the weight of the world fall off your shoulder…and to your favorite song…we sang along to the start of forever…and after all this time…I’m still into you.”_

Myka crinkled her forehead. Ok _that_ would certainly need an explanation, because that was _not_ how their day went when Helena had met her mom. She remembered their conversation after…how she told Helena about her dad, about the bookstore pressures. She remembered getting the first hint of Helena’s past. She remembered their favorite album conversation. There were no I love you’s that night. Although…as Myka remembered that first, so very innocent kiss on the cheek, she realized that was probably the moment she _knew_ for sure that she _was_ in love with Helena, and suddenly she wondered if that had been Helena’s moment too. 

They raced through the second chorus and at the bridge Helena hopped up onto her monitor, kneeling down until she was practically at eye level with the front rows, making it abundantly clear that she was singing to no one but Myka.

_“Some things just…some things just make sense and one of those is you and I…some things just…some things just make sense and even after all this time…”_

Claudia and Steve dropped out leaving just Helena’s voice and a steady bass beat from Pete. Helena gave her a devastating, breath-stealing smile, dropping her voice a few notes, knowing full well what that particular register did to Myka’s heart rate.

_“I’m into you…baby not a day goes by that I’m not…into you…”_

It was like it was just them, like the thousands of people around them had disappeared, and only they existed, eyes locked and Helena’s voice surrounding them in some kind of hypnotic bubble. The moment was gone as quick as it came, with Helena giving her another wink before hopping up and turning her attention back, slightly, to the rest of the audience as they sped through the final chorus.

Myka knew, had known, for well over a year and a half, that she was desperately, insanely in love. She had known it was unlike anything she had ever experienced before, unlike anything she had ever felt before. She had known that Helena had unequivocally and permanently changed her life, but in that moment, as Helena’s voice rang out into the crystal clear night one final, _“I’m still into you,”_ as the thousands of people around her screamed at the top of their lungs, as Helena looked at her and _only her_ for a solid five seconds, it was like realizing it all over again. She was in love. Ridiculously, hopelessly, crazy in love, and she couldn’t careless that almost ten thousand people were watching her fall all over again.

**

“Ain’t It Fun” had been Myka’s favorite part of the show all summer, but nothing compared to what it felt like tonight. By the end you couldn’t even hear Helena’s voice because the crowd’s singing was so loud. Everyone was dancing, including Helena, Claudia, and Steve. The sense of overwhelming _joy_ was so palpable that it brought tears to Myka’s eyes and she turned to see that the same was true for pretty much every member of their families that were there. 

She thought for a moment how the people in this crowd were probably some of the first to ever hear “Ain’t It Fun” both live and on the radio. How it was their tiny local stations that had given the band a chance. How it was probably a lot of these people that had packed tiny clubs and sat through crummy openers just to see them play for an hour. They’d come so far. From two hundred people barely knowing their songs to almost ten thousand knowing every word. 

She watched them take their final bows. She clapped and screamed along with everyone else. She watched Pete toss one of his drumsticks to Amanda, and then make sure that the other one made it further out into the crowd. She watched Claudia do the same with her picks, only her first one was reserved for Fargo. She watched Helena give her one last smile, before they took one last bow. They exited the stage and the lights went up gradually. Her mom grabbed her hand and squeezed it, and suddenly she couldn’t help it, but she finally, _fully_ cried, and then Amanda started crying and moved around Tracy to hug her, because this journey, not just the last three months, but all the years that had passed since this had started…seeing them tonight, hearing them, it made both of them realize how very much that journey had been worth every single step.

**

They ran off stage and collapsed into a tangled mess around Kelly, hugging her and laughing because they were all crying. Eventually, Kelly extracted herself from the throng and gave them a beaming smile, “And here is where you get my speech. This summer…watching how far you have come…I cannot tell you how _proud_ I am of all of you, how honored I am that I get to be on this journey with you. Thank you for being an absolute joy to watch. Thank you for one hell of a summer, one that I will never ever forget. And now, my crazy children, I am very, _very_ happy to get to tell you something I know you all have been waiting to hear. Now…you can go get your stuff, and you can go _home_.”

**

When Helena got to her dressing room door, Myka was leaning against it looking happier than Helena could even begin to process. She couldn’t help herself, she took off at a near run and was thankful that Myka knew so instinctively to just hold out her arms and catch her. 

Myka squeezed her as tight as possible, whispering into her hair, “You were…you are…incredible Swagger.” Helena leaned back and kissed her with a bit of sloppy, though sweet, abandon. Myka chuckled, pulling away for the briefest of seconds, “At some point…I will need a few lyric explanations.”

Helena grinned, “I know, but for now, you crazy, gorgeous woman, just kiss me.”

Myka fumbled her hand out to find the knob of the dressing room door, mumbling against Helena’s lips, “Whatever you want tonight Sweets, whatever you want.”

They stumbled into the room and Myka kicked the door shut. They both knew there were people to see, a party at one of their favorite restaurants in Denver to get to, but for now, they had a few precious moments together, and Myka was absolutely not going to waste them. Everything else…for now…could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you were wondering, here is the setlist from the tour.
> 
> 1\. Brick by Boring Brick  
> 2\. Daydreaming  
> 3\. Part II  
> 4\. Decode  
> 5\. Hum Hallelujah  
> 6\. Come Pick Me Up (Liam Napier cover)  
> 7\. Hate to See Your Heart Break  
> 8\. New song slot (rotation of Escape Route/Misery Business, final show: Still Into You)  
> 9\. Straight On (Heart Cover)  
> 10\. That's What You Get  
> 11\. Grow Up  
> 12\. Proof  
> Encore  
> 13\. Last Hope  
> 14\. Ain't It Fun


	23. You Wreck Me (Reprise)/Hidden Track

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena and Myka finally get their long-awaited day of nothingness, some much needed family time, and a much needed vacation before life settles back into normalcy.
> 
> Well...as normal as it can get when Helena is keeping tricks up her sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of things I could say about why it's taken me a few days to post this...things about grief and sadness and anger and a whole myriad of emotions that are just overwhelming, but at the end of the day...we need the things that give us joy to help keep our hearts from shattering completely, and these two with their wild, unabashed, fictional love bring me joy...so here it is. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Song for this chapter is a Tom Petty throwback...the other song...well that would give it away and what good is a hidden track if I tell you it right off the bat?!

Helena woke up in darkness and for the briefest of moments a shot of frustration ricocheted through her mind that even when she was this absolutely exhausted she hadn’t managed to sleep through the night. She sighed, resigned to the fact that her body was simply going to need time to adjust to being home, to the quiet, to the distinct lack of the jostle and sound of tires rolling beneath her. It was only as her eyes adapted that she realized that the darkness which she had thought was complete, was actually muted, a distinctly artificial form that rarely descended upon their room without effort. Their curtains were, in fact, pulled more tightly closed than usual, their door only barely ajar. It was as though the darkness was made with intention, like it was highly purposeful. She arched her back feeling the tight pull of all of her muscles screaming in resistance to the movements. She felt heavy, as though she could sink straight through the bed and the floor if she moved with the right purpose. She felt exhaustion tugging back at her, creeping into her consciousness, lulling her back into the temptation of sleep, yet the coolness that was creeping over her skin told her she would only be able to fully give in if she was warm and comfortable, ideally nestled up against Myka. She rolled over onto her back, fully expecting her arm to collide with some portion of Myka’s body, only to met with emptiness. She flung a hand out to Myka’s side of the bed, but the sheets were cold. 

The soft pad of footsteps was enough to prod her completely away from returning to sleep, as she sat up, huddling the comforter up around her shoulders, and calling out softly, “Myka?”

Their door nudged open a few more inches, Myka’s head peering around the corner in an apparent effort at keeping the glaring light from the hallway from creeping into their room. Myka gave her a soft smile, “You’ve emerged.” She prodded the door open fully, and Helena could see that she looked freshly showered, no longer in her pajamas, and seeming to be completely awake. She slid back into bed next to Helena, holding out an arm for Helena to curl up under. She kissed her temple lightly, “For once, you have actually beaten the sunlight into submission. No amount of _godforsaken_ sunlight was waking you up this morning.”

Small, light laughter shifted through Helena’s lungs, bringing with it as she inhaled a heady, intoxicating waft of coconut. She shifted and settled closer to Myka, savoring the familiarity, “I was bound to win at some point. You know how I am when I am determined. What time _is_ it though?”

Myka’s response came through a suppressed chuckle, “12:30.”

Helena sat up quickly, “You’re kidding.”

Myka reached over Helena’s stomach and unplugged Helena’s cell phone, waking it up and holding the screen up for Helena to see with her own eyes. Helena squinted against the brightness and groaned, “How on earth is that possible?”

Myka tossed the phone back onto the bed and settled back against the pillows, pulling Helena with her, “Tour exhaustion is how that’s possible Sweets.”

Helena reclined her head back against Myka’s shoulder, mumbling, “You could have woken me up.”

Myka’s laugh was full, bright, and it sounded like home to Helena’s ears, “Trust me, I could _not_ have woken you up. I stayed in bed for an hour goofing around on my phone and I swear to God you did not budge one inch. I have showered and been back and forth with the laundry at least twice, you weren’t being awoken. Plus…there was no reason to, you needed to sleep. That was part of the deal remember? First real day home? Nothing but take out, sleep, and ridiculous television.”

Helena bit back a yawn, “I honestly feel like I could go right back to sleep, and most likely not emerge until tonight.”

“I’m sure. Although…then you’d probably be up all night, so maybe fight that off for a few more hours, and then you are totally justified in taking a nap.”

Helena smirked against Myka’s shoulder, “Since when have you ever complained about me being up all night?”

Myka groaned, “Awake for all of ten minutes and just ready and raring with the sass, huh?”

“That didn’t exactly sound like a refute to my question…”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You’re…well…you’re something else, and now I’m changing the subject. You had a visitor this morning.”

Helena sat up slightly, propping herself up on an elbow, “I did? Who?”

“Someone who loves you enough that he wanted you to have a proper breakfast when you woke up. Though…I guess now it will probably serve as lunch.”

“You’re being cryptic, which is cruel considering I’m exhausted.”

Myka grinned, “Payback for the sass, Swagger. Wolly came by.”

Helena’s eyes went wide, “Please tell me he brought what I think he brought.”

“If you think what he brought was a massive plate of very hot, very fresh scones then you are one hundred percent correct.”

Helena let out a soft groan of pleasure, “I love that man. They’re probably cold by now though…the _one time_ the sunlight would have been doing me a favor by waking me up.”

Myka rolled her eyes and leaned forward to place a kiss to Helena’s forehead, “Leave the sunlight alone. Your girlfriend _might_ just be amazing enough to have kept them warm in the oven, so they’re pretty much exactly how they were when he brought them.”

Helena grinned and caught Myka’s lips with a small kiss, “You are quite amazing.”

“I _might_ also have a pot of tea almost ready too. Want me to bring it all up here? Leave you to huddle in the blankets for a bit longer?”

Helena shifted back onto her back, stretching again, shooting Myka a sidelong look and a contented smile, “That would be absolute perfection darling.”

Myka patted her thigh with a quiet laugh, “I’ll be right back.”

Myka returned with a tray laden down with more scones than either of them could possibly eat, accompanied by the entire pot of tea and two mugs. She settled it on the end of the bed and climbed back under the covers, immediately putting herself as close to Helena as possible. Helena grinned at the tiny contact of their knees together, silently thrilled by the thought that Myka had no intention of straying too far from her side. Helena filled her lungs with a deep inhale of steam, letting out a sigh of contentment before taking a slow, modest sip to gauge the heat. What hit her tongue sent a shiver of happiness down her spine. She gave Myka a hint of a smile over the lip of her mug, arching an eyebrow at her, “Someone has perfected their tea making talents over the summer.”

Myka’s grin was hesitant, but proud. She shrugged, “I figured I had to do something productive with my time while you were gone.”

“Well, I whole-heartedly appreciate your effort,” she took a small bite of one of the scones and rolled her eyes in exorbitant pleasure, eliciting another wave of laughter from Myka. 

“I should take a picture of you right now and send it to him. I’m fairly certain _this_ was precisely the reaction he was going for.”

“Honestly? You could and I wouldn’t even care right now. I maintain…I love that man.”

“How can I ever compete with hand-delivered, homemade scones that remind you of your dear homeland?” Myka clutched a hand to her heart playfully, sighing with a dramatic flair.

Helena chuckled and leaned forward to tug on one of the strings of Myka’s, _her_ , sweatshirt, “God, I have missed you, so very much darling.”

Myka’s face was overwhelmed by a crooked grin, “And here I thought you were going to comment on my propensity to steal your clothes again.”

Helena shrugged, “I’ve resigned myself to that sweatshirt’s fate. Plus…I still have that ‘you can owe me,’ in my back pocket.”

“As if you’d ever let me forget _that_.”

“Never. It’s too valuable of a card to still have to play to let you forget love.”

**

They finished their lunch, which Helena insisted on calling brunch, in an effort to ignore just how late she had slept, and then made good on their promise to do absolutely nothing with their day. After they had eaten, Helena insisted that her muscles required the longest, hottest bath known to man. She put up a valiant effort to convince Myka to join her, but much to her chagrin, Myka had insisted that she could take the time for herself, that she didn’t need Myka’s long, tangle of legs getting in the way of her need to stretch, to relax, to uncoil from three months trapped on a tour bus that was always too small. Helena had pouted playfully, but Myka had placed a kiss beneath her bottom lip and pushed her into the bathroom.

Helena emerged wrapped in her bathrobe, followed by a waft of steam from the bathroom. Myka looked up from where she was sprawled in bed reading, finger twirling around one of her curls, and chuckled, “Not going to lie, you kind of look like you do when you come out on stage to start the show. All that smoke around you.”

Helena smiled with the tiniest flash of teeth, making Myka distinctly feel like she was being hunted, “Somehow, I don’t think emerging on stage in nothing but my robe would have been the wisest choice.”

“Oh but it would have made your fans _so happy_.” Myka was trying desperately to fight back the pulse of want that was already coiling in her stomach, but there was a glint of determination in Helena’s eye that told her those efforts were going to be fruitless. 

Helena toyed with the sash of her robe, giving Myka a teasing look, “And what about you Myka…what would make you happy at this particular moment?” Myka felt a blush chase up her neck into her cheeks, the tips of her ears felt like they were burning. A throaty, husky chuckle left Helena’s throat as she came to stand by Myka’s side of the bed, “I’m fairly certain the look on your face just answered my question for me. Although,” she toyed again with the sash, tugging it just the slightest bit loose, “I do _so love_ to hear you say it.”

Myka swallowed thickly, fighting to let the words that were racing through her mind actually trip over her tongue. Still, even now, almost two years later, Helena had the ability to tie her up in so many knots she forgot how to speak. She took a deep breath and met Helena’s gaze, “Right now, I’m pretty sure I’d prefer you _out_ of said robe completely.”

Helena’s grin was practically feral, “I could probably do something about that.” Her fingers moved to tighten around the knot cinched at her waist and pull it open, but they were tugged away by Myka’s fingers.

Myka sat up, her legs swinging over the edge of the bed and replaced Helena’s fingers with her own. She slowly, tantalizingly pulled the knot loose, revealing in slow waves the smooth skin and muscles of Helena’s stomach. Myka sucked in a deep breath, wondering how it was possible to still have so many more ways to fall for this woman. She leaned forward placing the lightest of kisses to the space directly above Helena’s navel, reveling in the hitch she heard in Helena’s breath, the way Helena’s hands immediately came up to tangle in her hair. She tilted her head up, resting her chin against Helena’s stomach, “I realized I never said it earlier, but,” she shifted and kissed the mole next to Helena’s belly button, her hands coming up to wrap around Helena’s hips, pulling her closer. She breathed the rest of her words against Helena’s skin, “I missed you too.”

What started in a heady haze of heat and want, devolved into something much slower. Every press of lips against skin, every push of hands over and against muscle, every breath caught and lost, was almost lazy in its intention. The night that Helena had come home had been a giddy rush, every movement hurried in the need to just be everywhere, doing everything at once. Now though, with nothing but time ahead of them, they allowed themselves to drift, to relax. Time had been one luxury they hadn’t had all summer, and for today, they were going to take advantage of having it back again. And so, what could have been quick, gone in a rush of passion, ebbed and flowed through quiet minutes, with words and promises whispered against flushed and heated skin, with at least one hand always hesitant to leave the hold of the other’s, with soft kisses and slow movements, fingers dragging and pulling, thigh muscles refusing to push, to rush. They had time…all the time in the world, and for this one lazy afternoon, they decided without even having to say it, that that time was best served in rediscovering, rememorizing nothing but each other.

**

“Did you ever think that Netflix is one of the ultimate tests of trust in a relationship?”

Myka shook her head in laughter, before bringing her fingers down to comb through Helena’s hair where her head was laying against her thigh, eyes never straying from the television despite the question. Myka scratched her nails against Helena’s scalp, “No, I really can’t say that I have…”

Helena idly paused the show they were watching and turned her head to glance up at Myka, where she was giving her an incredulous look. She pinched at the back of Myka’s thigh, “Oh don’t give me that look. I am _quite_ serious.”

Myka raised an eyebrow at her, “Netflix? Really? You’re going to have to explain that one to me, I think.”

“Before I left, we had watched half of the first season of this show, which you were _clearly_ already addicted to, and I had to just trust that you would wait to watch the rest until I got home.”

Myka grinned, “How do you know I didn’t? Maybe I’m just a really amazing actor, making sure to gasp and sound surprised at the right moments.”

“Joys of a shared account, love. We could basically see everything the other watched all summer.”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “Trust me, _I know_. You’re the reason our recommendations are _riddled_ with weird, random British sitcoms.”

“Oh, do not get me started on the television you watch Myka Bering.” Helena turned her head back towards the television, finger hovering over the play button, before she said casually, “Also…I’d get all of that mocking of British television out of your system now. My father can be rather _adamant_ about his television, _and_ none of us exactly take kindly to insults on our home turf.”

Myka forced a chuckle out, all the while a small knot of nervousness settled into her stomach. She’d been trying not to think about that, or at least not focus on that. They left for London on Wednesday, and she was trying as hard as she could to not let her nerves about meeting Helena’s parents get the best of her. She took a deep breath, there was no need to think about it now. She let her fingers resume their dance through Helena’s hair, “Just hit play there Swagger, I’m done with my mocking, for the foreseeable future.”

**

“How am I not hearing a lecture about not getting grease on your beloved comforter right now?”

Helena rolled her eyes, her focus still entirely on the slice of pizza in front of her, despite answering Myka’s question, “A consequence of three months of Louie’s depravation. You could probably dump this entire pizza onto this comforter and my biggest concern would be the danger of losing toppings.”

“I feel the need to remind you that the first time I introduced you to this pizza, I was subjected to a twenty minute rant about how nothing could compare to New York pizza…”

Helena waved a dismissive hand, “Minor details, love.”

“Uh huh, minor details. You told me that I was forcing you to eat pizza against your will.”

“We were still courting, I had to make _some things_ difficult for you. I couldn’t let on that I was so crazy about you, I would have eaten cheese and cardboard if you’d asked me to. It would have taken all the _fun_ out of it.”

Myka chuckled, “ _Courting_? Do you remember what happened _after_ that particular dinner? I would _not_ call that courting, Swagger. At least not in my definition of the term.”

Helena groaned, “Are we really going to have the ‘we could have been arrested’ talk again?”

Myka’s eyes widened and she pushed her foot out to kick against Helena’s thigh, “ _You jumped me in a car! In a very much public place_!”

“Again, minor details. It was dark. It was late. We were in absolutely no danger of being caught, let alone arrested.”

“You tell yourself that…”  
“Oh I shall…and I didn’t exactly hear you _complaining_. I believe you were a very willing participant.”

Myka blushed, her words coming out in a slight stammer, “Yeah…well… _courting_.”

“Is that your polite way of saying you wanted me, darling?”

Myka covered her face with her hands, “I am so done talking. I am going to eat my pizza and ignore you. Plus, we have TV to keep watching.”

Helena sat up from where she had been sprawled out on her stomach at the foot of the bed and shifted towards where Myka was leaning against the headboard. She pulled Myka’s hands away from her face with a smile, “You are so _very_ fun to embarrass.”

“You have a tendency to make me say _and do_ embarrassing things.”

“All for the future joy of watching you blush when I remind you of them.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You’re maddening. _Sexy_ , but maddening.”

Helena tucked one of Myka’s curls behind her ear and palmed her cheek, “No, darling, maddening would be reminding you of a certain interlude over Skype…”

Myka brought a hand up to cover Helena’s mouth with wide eyes, “No! No, no, no, you _swore_ we wouldn’t talk about that.”

Helena chuckled and pursed her lips to kiss Myka’s palm, before pulling it away from her mouth with a sly smile, “I did promise. It is just such a _pleasant_ memory though.”

Myka willed herself not to blush, but it was a losing battle. It had been an _extreme_ moment of weakness very early on in the summer, one that _might_ have repeated itself on several occasions. That first time though, well, Myka had been very much _not shy_ about her desires, which had been totally out of character, which Helena had enjoyed immensely during _and_ after when Myka’s embarrassment had crept back up on her. Myka had made Helena vow that they simply wouldn’t talk about it, otherwise she would be hard pressed to let it happen again, which to Helena was completely out of the question and so she had vowed to keep her silence. 

Images from that first night flashed through Myka’s mind and she curled her lip under her teeth, “It was…rather… _pleasant_.”

Helena’s grin was proud, _resplendent_ , “With that admission, I shall leave you be and return to my pizza.”

“So easily pleased…”

Helena leaned forward and kissed the corner of Myka’s mouth, “I believe in _that_ situation, that phrase applied more to _you_ darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes and groaned, pushing a laughing Helena away from her by the shoulders, “Return to your pizza woman!”

Helena’s laughter echoed around the room, “Oh love…you know that you have missed me.”

Myka reached out and grabbed Helena’s wrist as she was sliding back to the foot of the bed. When Helena’s eyes met hers, Myka’s were dancing with happiness, all embarrassment washed away. Myka gave her a serene kind of smile, “More than you will ever know, Swagger.”

**

Actual darkness eventually descended upon their room, the only light coming from the continued glow of the television and the just right angle of the moon over the skylight basking their bed in an unearthly radiance. Myka laid with her head resting against the top of Helena’s thigh, trying to focus on what was easily their twelfth episode of television that day, but her mind was starting to tug her away, tug her into questions that had been nagging at her curiosity since the night before. The light, almost mindless, filtering of Helena’s fingers through her hair made her wonder if she wasn’t the only one starting to drift. She shifted onto her back and gave Helena a sidelong glance, her fingers coming up to twist and tangle with Helena’s playfully, “I’m glad you’re home.”

Helena gave her a soft, contented smile, “I’m not sure there are proper words for how happy I am _to be_ home love.”

Myka continued to fidget with Helena’s fingers, suddenly feeling incomprehensibly shy about the question she wanted to ask. She sighed, “So before you completely slip out of summer rock star mode, I had a question.”

“I’ve been waiting all day for this question. I’m surprised you lasted this long.” Myka’s gaze shot up to meet Helena’s, who was giving her a smile so bright that it seemed like even the moonlight was reflecting off of it. Helena chuckled at the look on Myka’s face, “Don’t look so surprised. You said last night that you had lyric questions. I honestly figured they’d be the first thing we talked about this morning.”

A wave of nervous embarrassment flushed through Myka’s system, “I didn’t want to pry.”

Helena’s laughter was light, somehow comforting, “Love, I really don’t think it’s prying when it’s a song about you, especially one that I made you hear for the first time in the company of thousands of your closest friends.”

“It was perfect. Everything about it was perfect. Thousands of people and all.”

Helena’s smile settled into something more peaceful, “I’m glad…I was unbelievably nervous. I wasn’t quite sure if it was the wisest thing to do, just laying my heart out there to you in front of all of those people, but…”

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “Trust me…like I said…perfect.”

“But you have questions…” Helena arched an eyebrow down at her.

Myka shrugged, “Just a couple. Mainly…when? All those words about loving each other not being easy, about out worst nights…I couldn’t help but wonder.”

Helena didn’t even bother to hesitate, there was no need to, “I wrote it after everything with Sally, pretty much the very next day. It’s possibly the fastest I’ve ever written a song actually.”

“Really?”

“I couldn’t quite help it; it poured out of me. That whole day…even as we were in the midst of everything, I couldn’t stop circling around the very definitive truth that no matter what, no matter how complicated or tangled up things got, all I wanted was you and our life together. It made me realize that every time I’ve felt as though I had come close to losing you, Myka, those moments have only served to make me realize how that is simply not an option for me, how it will never be an option for me. I’ll take the difficulties and the frustrating evenings and everything else that comes along, but none of those things will ever make me stop loving you.”

Myka let out a small sigh, “That is a feeling I know well. That night…I think that was the worst of the summer, and God, the whole time all I kept thinking was how much I missed you, how much I wished I was there to actually tell you I loved you.”

“It was certainly not our finest moment, but in the end…”

“In the end, sometimes those things need to happen I guess.”

Helena traced a finger down Myka’s jaw, “I think they do.” They sat in silence for several, weighted moments. Helena could practically see Myka’s mind racing through all the details, all the memories of that day. There was no denying that sometimes Myka’s eidetic memory was a blessing, yet other times, Helena cursed its very existence because she knew that far too often it allowed Myka to recall and replay words and moments that Helena simply wished they could both forget. Helena lightly thumbed across Myka’s cheekbone, trying to gently lull her back into the moment they were in. She asked softly, “What was your other question?”

Myka gave a small shake of her head. It happened so quickly that she hadn’t even fully realized how lost in her thoughts she had gotten, but, as usual, Helena could tell, and knew exactly how to draw her back. She gave Helena a knowing smile, “You have to explain the second verse to me. I mean, there were things I recognized, but…”

“It didn’t make much sense, I know,” Helena chuckled. She sighed, “I knew the things I wanted to say, and I knew that initially, to you, they wouldn’t make any sense, but I also knew you’d ask and I’d be able to explain. All that mattered was that to you it would eventually make sense. The whole thing is a bit of an amalgamation of all my favorite early memories of us, the moments that made me fall for you.”

Warmth trickled through Myka’s body as she closed her eyes and replayed the verse in her head, trying to piece together what each phrase was in reference to. She chuckled softly, “Meeting my mother, huh?”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I knew you would have something to say about that, but _yes_. It wasn’t so much _meeting your mother_ , though if she ever asks you can absolutely say it was, but it was more the fact that you opened up your life to me that day, for the first time ever. That was one of the first times I felt like I really _saw_ you, and realizing that you were willing to let me in like that…that was the day I was certain I was in love with you.”

“As I’m sure you remember, my mother was very much aware of that that day, on both of our parts, so I believe she would claim total responsibility for that if she ever found out you just said that.”

Helena laughed softly, “Of course, your mother was _so very charming_ , it did only serve to help your cause darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “She’d be thrilled to know that. Ok,” she thought through the next few lines, “I have guesses for the rest but I don’t want to end up being wrong, so you _could_ just tell me.”

“And ruin all my fun?”

“ _Yes_ , as you well know, it is my main goal in life, Swagger, to ruin all of your fun.”

“Well,” Helena considered, “if I tell you, what do I get in return?”

“What do you want?”

Helena raised an eyebrow at Myka with a smirk, “There are just _so many_ answers to that question, but, I believe I will explain the rest myself, if you’ll tell me your moments as well.”

Myka furrowed her brow in confusion, “My favorite moments of our relationship?”

“Yes, darling. I believe I’m deserving of a little quid pro quo here.”

Myka sighed dramatically, “Well…I suppose that is only fair.”

“Excellent. Ok, so throughout the whole verse there are references to all of the times you drove me home from work, the night you told me you loved me for the first time, the first time we ever sang together, and well, maybe a little oddly, one of the conversations we had the day I met your mother, the one about our favorite albums.”  
Myka’s chest shook with laughter, “I’m pretty sure I had the rest of those right, but I had _definitely_ missed that one. Why that particular conversation?”

Helena shrugged, “I don’t know really. You were just so shy about asking. It was endearing, and then you were so playful about the whole thing. Like I said, that day was the first time I felt I saw you truly, and that moment was part of it.”

Myka felt a small part of her melt at the sincerity in Helena’s voice, realizing how much thought Helena had put into her lyrics so that they fit their relationship so well. If Myka was being honest, she was starting to feel as if _this moment_ , right now, was going to be one of her moments. 

Helena squeezed her hand slightly, “Your turn love.”

“Ok, _quid pro quo_.” Myka gave herself a few moments of quiet to think back, to make sure that her answer did actually encapsulate all of her favorite moments, though she wasn’t really sure she could narrow them down to just a handful. She took a deep breath, “Ok, this is in no particular order, and some are the same as yours, which is _not_ cheating, by the way. I would have to say…the day you took me ice skating, the day you met Tracy and Ethan, which includes you stealing me from work, pretty much anytime that we’ve danced, but mostly at Pete and Amanda’s engagement party, and most definitely, without a doubt, driving you home. Those will _always_ be on the list.”

Helena let out a small sigh, combing a hand through Myka’s hair again, “We’ve come a long way.”

“Far enough to provide enough writing material for several summers I would say.”

Helena hummed in assent, “Speaking of which…Zach told me he finally made his way through all of your songs.”

Myka nodded with a small smile, “He wants ‘Chasing Cars.’”

“He told me…” Helena paused, trying to gauge the look on Myka’s face, but it was still, unreadable, “Are you ok with that?”

Myka looked up at her, “Are _you_ ok with it?”

Helena considered the thought for a moment. There was part of her that had been surprised Myka had even put it into her catalogue at the label, but then again she knew Myka was nothing if not meticulous about her work, no matter how personal it was. Helena tried to take in the idea of someone else singing that song, the song that had brought them back together, that had been Myka’s first real way of saying I love you. She took a deep breath, “Honestly? If it was anyone else I would probably say no, but it’s Zach, and I don’t really think I’d ever want anyone else to have it.”

Myka grinned, “I couldn’t agree more. He’s played it for me. It sounds…well…it sounds incredible.”

“I will always prefer your version darling.”

Myka chuckled, “One would hope so.” Myka arched her back, stretching out with a sigh. She glanced at her phone, “We should probably start thinking about sleep. Ethan will in no way tolerate tiredness tomorrow.”

“It seems he has our day completely planned out. He’s very diligent for a six year old.”

“Oh, he’s been planning for weeks. Trust me, he knows exactly what he wants to do, though we may have to help him reconsider the ice cream for lunch plan.”

“Somehow I think your sister would appreciate us giving him actual food at some point.”

Myka shrugged, “It would probably be advisable.”

Helena tugged Myka up and into her, placing a light kiss to her lips, “Thank you for an absolutely perfect day of complete nothingness.”

Myka chuckled softly, palming Helena’s cheek, “You are very welcome, Swagger.”

“This is the longest string of days we’ve had getting to go to bed together since before I left. Whatever will we do with that level of normalcy?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “No idea. We may go crazy.”

“I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without seeing you everyday.”

Myka smiled warmly, “Doesn’t matter how, all that matters is that we made it, and now…well now I get to drive you crazy making you see me as much as possible.”

Helena kissed her again, “That sounds like the best kind of crazy to me.”

**

“I present you with a boy who is _very much_ ready for a day at the lake,” Tracy stood in the doorway of her house with her hands on Ethan’s shoulders. 

Helena and Myka both tried to keep their laughter quiet as they looked at Ethan, fully decked out in a Rockies cap, his sunglasses on his face, with his baseball bat settled on his shoulder. He gave them a thumbs up, “I _am_ ready.”

Myka put her hands on her hips, giving Ethan a questioning look, “I thought we were going to the movies.”

Helena tapped a finger against her chin, “No, I was certain it was the zoo. Are we really going to the lake?”

Ethan dropped his bat and flung himself around both sets of their knees, “Yes! The lake! I _called_ you and told you.”

Myka slapped a hand to her forehead, “I _completely_ forgot.” She scooped him up into her arms, placing a loud, sloppy kiss against his cheek, “So you’re ready, huh?”

“Yup!” Ethan tugged at the hat on Myka’s head, jostling her ponytail in the process, “Aunt Monkey!” He pointed at his own hat, “Our hats match!”

“That they do. Alright, Little Man, you’ve got your baseball gear, where’s your bike?”

“In Daddy’s truck.”

“Helmet?”

“In Daddy’s truck.”

“Lunch?”

Ethan’s eyebrows knit together, his tiny voice coming out confused and a little worried, “Lunch?”

Myka gave him a playful, shocked look, “I thought _you_ were packing lunch!”

Helena stole Ethan out of Myka’s arms, squeezing him tightly, “Aunt Monkey is _teasing_ you Peanut. She’s rather silly, isn’t she?”

“Super silly!” Ethan gave Helena a smile that Myka had come to realize he reserved solely for Helena. She wasn’t sure how to describe it, but it was different from any way he looked at anyone else, herself included. It filled her with an indescribable kind of contentedness to see the way they looked at each other, the way that they clearly loved each other, and as it always did when she watched them together, she started to imagine a family of their own. Helena shot her a quick wink, one that said she knew _exactly_ what Myka was thinking, but Ethan pulled both of their attention back before either of them could say anything. He put his fingers on Helena’s chin, turning her head back towards him, his eyes wide, “You _did_ bring food, right?”

Helena chuckled and kissed his nose, “Of course we did, Peanut.”

“Good! PB&J, right?”

“We would never think of bringing you anything else. Aunt Monkey made them this morning.”

He turned a quick look to Myka, giving her a bright smile, “Thanks.”  
Myka laughed softly, eyeing Tracy, “At least _he_ says thank you. Every time I made you food when you were little, you simply took it and stomped out of the kitchen.”

Tracy leveled her with a teasing glare, “Oh yes, that’s exactly how it happened.”

“Can we go now?” Ethan had squirmed out of Helena’s arms and had jumped down the stairs of the porch, looking up at them with hands balled up on his hips.

“Now there you are, Trace, I knew he had to have your manners in there somewhere,” Myka joked. Tracy jolted a quick punch against Myka’s shoulder, but she ignored it and turned towards Ethan, picking up his bat where it laid abandoned on the porch, “Let’s get out of here Little Man.”

“Ok!” He sprinted to Kevin’s truck, which they were using for the day because it could hold all of their bikes, plus all the other things Ethan had decided he _had_ to bring with them. 

Myka placed a quick kiss to Tracy’s cheek, “Dinner at 6:30, right?”

“Yes. Have a good day. _Be careful_.”

Myka waved a dismissive hand, “We were actually planning on being totally reckless so…”

Helena rolled her eyes with a groan and tugged Myka away from Tracy, “Come on you, do not torment your sister.” Helena kissed Tracy’s cheek as well, whispering, “We will be completely careful.”

Tracy chuckled, “I know. Just go have a good time, _try_ to return in one piece.”

“If your sister keeps up this level of sassy teasing, that might not be possible.”

“I heard that,” Myka said.

“You were _meant_ to, love,” Helena squeezed her arm playfully, catching her cheek in a quick kiss. “Come on, it would not do to keep him waiting.”

Helena got Ethan buckled into his car seat as Myka situated herself in the drivers seat. When Helena climbed in next to her and buckled her own seat belt, Ethan gave a loud clap of his hands and declared, “Let’s go!”

Helena laughed quietly, wrapping a hand around Myka’s thigh and giving it a light squeeze, “I believe someone is ready for the lake.”

Myka grinned, “That makes two of us.” She gave Ethan a quick smile in the rear view mirror, “Alright, Little Man, let’s get out of here.”

**

Myka adjusted Ethan’s hold on his bat, “Remember bud, you’ve got to keep your elbow up.”

“I remember,” Ethan defiantly propped his elbow up higher, giving Myka a rebellious grin.

Myka tugged on his cap with a smile, “All set? Ready for Aunt Monkey’s fastball?”

Ethan gave her a determined kind of glare, “ _Ready_.”

Myka shot Helena a quick look, where she stood several feet back from Ethan, in clear avoidance of his back swing, which was still slightly exaggerated, and thus slightly dangerous, “What about you back there? Are you ready?”

Helena rolled her eyes and playfully jostled the glove Myka had fit onto her hand, “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose.”

Ethan must have detected the incredulity in Helena’s voice because he looked back at her and said, “Aunt Elephant, we _need_ a catcher.”

“And here I am…ready to _catch_.”

Myka stifled her laughter as best as she could, but she knew that Helena was a very much unwilling participant in this game. Ethan had been adamant when they arrived at the lake that he wanted to play ball first, and despite several attempts to encourage something else, at least for the start of their day, he was not to be dissuaded. He’d been playing t-ball all summer, and with Myka and Kevin’s aid had gotten quite good, good enough that he was able to manage hitting without the tee anymore, as long as it was either Myka or Kevin tossing him soft pitches. 

Myka threw the ball to Helena, who, though caught slightly off-guard by the quick toss, snatched it in the glove with a modicum of grace. She shot Myka a small glare at the unexpected action, which only made Myka laugh and snap her own glove up at Helena, “Come on Swagger, let’s see those guns.”

The ball hit Myka’s glove with a tiny _thump_ and Helena gave her a triumphant smile, “I maintain, _glorified cricket_.”

“Uh huh, whatever you say.” Myka tossed the ball into her glove several times, then held it up for Ethan to get his eye on, “Ok, bud, ready?”

Ethan gave her a focused nod, his fingers gripping around his bat. Myka lobbed him an underhanded pitch, which he swiftly shot back towards her with a fairly sharp ground ball. Myka scooped it up and gave Helena a teasing grin, “See? He’s so good, you might not even have to do anything.”

Helena just waved her glove dismissively, “Just pitch the ball darling.”

At one point, Ethan managed to pull a fairly speedy line drive past Myka, causing him, in his exuberance to toss his bat and start making his way around imaginary bases. Myka tracked the ball down and threw it back to a thankfully prepared Helena. As Ethan rounded “third” making a beeline for Helena, Myka ran up behind him and scooped him off of his pretend base paths, spinning him around in a tight circle, yelling towards Helena, “I got him…tag him!”

Ethan was giggling so hard he couldn’t even put up a fight against Myka’s hold as Helena ran up and tagged her glove right against his stomach. He took a tiny gasp for air around another burst of laughter, “Aunt Elephant, _help me_.”

Helena managed to extract him from Myka’s hold, where he collapsed into her arms with a small sigh. Helena gave him a tiny kiss on his nose, “I believe, Peanut, that you are _out_.”

“Only because Aunt Monkey caught me…”

Helena gave Myka a playful look and then whispered into Ethan’s ear, “I think we should get her back for that…”

Ethan’s eyes went wide and he looked at Myka with a determined glint in his eye, “You better run Aunt Monkey.”

Myka pretended to be afraid of Ethan’s hands which were already squirming out in an attempt to get to her. She let out a small, playful shout as Helena put Ethan down and gave him a head start at chasing Myka. Eventually, he managed to wrangle Myka around her knees, only to have Helena creep up on him and scoop him back up, tickling his sides. He let out a string of giggles, stuttering out, “Aunt Monkey…save me.”

Helena held him tighter, giving him a small squeeze, “Nope, you’re _all mine_.”

Ethan giggled harder, despite the fact that Helena had stopped tickling him. He let out a small sigh and rested his head against her shoulder, already nearly exhausted. His words came out a bit mumbled, quiet against Helena’s neck, “I missed you, Aunt Elephant.”

Helena felt all the air leave her lungs in one contented rush. She ran one hand across the back of his head and kissed his forehead, “I missed you too, Peanut. _So much_.”

Myka moved behind them, resting her chin on Helena’s free shoulder. She turned her head and placed a small kiss to Helena’s ear, whispering, “Happy you’re home?”

Helena grinned, “Completely darling.”

**

The rest of the day raced by in a haze of more activity than either of them were sure Ethan’s small body could handle. They rode their bikes through several of the trails around the lake, somehow managed to dissuade Ethan from jumping _in_ the lake, and fit in several more rounds of baseball. Myka had whispered to Helena as they sat on their blanket finishing up lunch, while Ethan kicked a soccer ball around that she was simply impressed they had gotten him to stop long enough to eat. Helena had chuckled, commenting that he was a Bering, and Bering’s were not easily distracted when they were focused. Myka had opened up her mouth to respond with a not exactly suitable for six year old ears retort, but Helena had simply kissed the corner of her mouth and told her to save whatever comment she was about to say for later. 

Later had come when Ethan finally collapsed on the blanket and almost immediately fell asleep with his head in Helena’s lap. Helena smoothed his curls back from his forehead, “I believe we have finally worn him out.”

Myka grinned, “Well, ya know…us _Berings_ …when we’re _focused_ …it takes awhile for that to happen.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Lord…you really saved that up didn’t you?”

“Absolutely.” Myka leaned in and placed a kiss to Helena’s temple, “Think we can get him to the truck without waking him up?”

Helena nodded, then jutted her chin towards some of their things which were still strewn around the blanket, “I’ll take him up and get him settled in if you can maneuver those things on your own, then I’ll come back down and grab the blanket.”

“Sounds good.”’

As Myka was picking up all of their things, Helena’s voice pulled her attention, “Darling…”

Myka looked back over her shoulder with a questioning glance, “What’s up Swagger?”

Helena had an unreadable kind of smile on her face, one that made Myka uncertain what kind of sentence was coming next. Helena’s eyes trailed back down to Ethan’s sleeping form, before returning to Myka’s gaze, “Today was rather perfect, wasn’t it?”

The corner of Myka’s mouth tugged in a smile, “It was.”

Helena moved a hand through Ethan’s curls, speaking as though to Ethan, not to Myka, “I want us to have this.”

A pang of longing contracted and echoed through Myka’s chest, suddenly recognizing the look that had been on Helena’s face. It was the same look she had had at Christmas when they had talked about kids. She turned back and kneeled in front of her on the blanket with a bright smile. She placed a soft kiss to her mouth, “We will, Sweets…someday…we absolutely will.”

**

Ethan was bleary-eyed as Myka carried him into the house, mumbling that he wanted to go back to sleep. Myka kissed his head and whispered, “I know, bud, but it’s time for dinner, _and_ there’s a couple of people who really want to see you.” She gave her parents a tiny smile over his head where they were sitting on the couch talking to Kevin.

Jeannie stood quickly, rubbing a soothing hand against Ethan’s back, “Hello my Ethan Michael.”

Ethan’s head lifted immediately, eyes wide with joy, despite the tiredness that still clung to their edges, “Grandma!” 

Jeannie lifted him out of Myka’s arms, giving him a tight hug, “Did you have a good day with Aunt Monkey and Aunt Elephant?”

“Yes. We made Aunt Elephant play baseball.”

A wave of laughter drifted over from where Kevin was sitting, “I’m sure she _loved_ that.”

Helena rolled her eyes as she shut the door behind them. She raised an eyebrow towards Kevin, “I proved remarkably capable, and thankfully your son managed to not hit me in the head with his bat, so overall, I’d call that a success.”

“Lucky you then, because he’s nailed me a couple of times.”

Helena moved to take the chair next to Kevin, dropping a quick kiss to Jeannie’s cheek and murmuring a subdued hello to Warren in the process. She collapsed into the chair with a sigh, “I’m not sure who is more tired, him or us…”

Myka dropped to the floor in front of Helena’s chair, reclining her head against Helena’s knees, “I think we _definitely_ win that one.”

Tracy’s head had poked around the living room entrance way, “You can sleep _after_ dinner, which is ready by the way.” She went over to give Ethan a kiss, but took one look at his face and burst out laughing, “Ok dinner is ready once your face is washed mister man.” She gave Helena and Myka a curious look, “ _What on earth_ did you three get up to today?”

Myka held up her hands in surrender, “I had nothing to do with it.”

Helena chuckled and tapped playfully against the back of Myka’s head, “You are _not_ playing the innocent card down there.” Helena gave Tracy an apologetic smile, “We might have had a bit of a difficult time convincing him that getting as dirty as possible _wasn’t_ the most ideal way to finish out the day.”

Tracy sighed with an incredulous laugh, “ _Why_ does that not surprise me?”

“Because your son has your sister wrapped completely around his finger, and will thus let him do whatever he likes, including getting horrendously dirty,” Helena commented casually.

Myka rolled her eyes, pushing herself up from the floor, “Yes, that’s _absolutely_ it. We won’t talk about the fact that _someone_ let him eat most of the cookies we packed before we’d even eaten lunch.” Myka held a hand out to Helena and pulled her up from the chair, giving her a small kiss on the cheek, “Let’s go clean up the mess we created, otherwise we won’t be given dinner and I am starving.”

Tracy chuckled, “That is very true. No food until you’re sufficiently clean.”

Myka lifted Ethan out of her mom’s arms, “Come on Little Man…time to wash that face of yours.”

Ethan scrunched up his face, “I’m not _that_ dirty.”

Myka tussled his hair with a laugh, “Uh huh, whatever you say dude...”

“Your eloquence, dear daughter, astounds me,” Jeannie teased.

Helena chuckled and whispered to Jeannie, “I believe you have Peter to thank for that particular turn of phrase. At least, I know I blame him for it.”

Jeannie grinned with a wink, “When all else fails, I usually end up blaming him for most things.” Jeannie’s face devolved in a look of horror, “You spent three months with that man, please don’t tell me he has corrupted you too? Helena…you are truly this family’s last hope for civility.”

Helena shook her head and squeezed Jeannie’s hand, “I assure you, my manners are fully intact.”

Myka’s head poked around the foot of the stairs, “Unless you would like me to completely refute that with the number of Pete-isms I have heard from you this summer, your presence is required on clean up duty too, Swagger.”

Helena grimaced, quick to join Myka on the stairs, pressing a hand to the small of her back, “Always _so determined_ to ruin my reputation with your mother.”

Myka grinned, “Who me? _Never_.”

**

“So, Peter’s undue influence aside, Helena, how was the summer?” Jeannie asked as they sat down to dinner, Ethan’s face now sufficiently scrubbed and clean.

“ _Long_ , but it was quite an incredible past few months.”

“If the crowd’s reaction the other night was any indication of how every other city reacted, that’s pretty impressive,” Kevin said.

Helena considered the comment for a second, a small rise of color coming up into her cheeks, unwilling to boast so overtly, “Of course, these crowds were a bit more _exuberant_ , I think considering the location.”

Myka chuckled, “There you go, Mother, her manners are still _absolutely_ untouched by Pete, because seriously…that was some crazy modesty over there Sweets.  
Helena’s cheeks colored deeper, “Possibly…”

Jeannie patted her hand, “You have every right to be proud, Helena, to boast all you want. I believe I read somewhere that every show from July on was sold out. I’m not sure impressive begins to cover that.”

“The entire show was amazing. I’m pretty sure I forgot at one point that I even knew any of you and was losing my mind like the rest of the audience,” Tracy commented.

Myka laughed, “I can confirm that. Your dancing was…interesting.”

“I will confess it was rather hard to miss _that_ , even from up on the stage,” Helena winked at Tracy.

“I was having a good time, I’m not ashamed of that one bit. You guys were…well, like I said it was amazing.”

“Thank you. It was nice having all of you there, being able to see so many familiar faces. It made that night all the more special.”

“Grandpa was singing,” Ethan piped up from where he had been extremely focused on his spaghetti.

Myka watched as the look she knew was on her own face was mirrored around the table. Eyes were wide, Helena’s jaw was a bit ajar, although she was the one who found her footing, her words first. She gave Warren a charming smile, “Warren, I didn’t think we had quite won you over so far.”

He shrugged, eyes focused on his plate, “Jeannie has had the album on non-stop for months…” He paused, but then gave a small sigh, “Though…the song that was out this summer…it’s…it’s good.”

Myka’s eyes darted between Helena and her father, uncertain that she was actually hearing the correct words. She watched as Helena’s smile pulled a bit further, but could tell she was trying to keep it restrained, trying to keep it from being completely evident that she was beaming. Helena, with her ability to adjust, adapt, and respond to so many situations with the right amount of charm, simply caught Warren’s eye and gave him another, genuine smile, “Thank you. I’ll confess…it’s rather my favorite one as well. And,” she winked playfully, “the name is ‘Last Hope,’ if you’re curious.”

Warren gave her a hesitant smile, a small nod, but Ethan’s voice broke the moment, “I was singing too.” The last word broke off in a huge yawn, as his eyes sparkled with a fresh wave of exhaustion.

That drew a small breath of laughter from Warren, “That is remarkably true. He seemed to know every song.”

Tracy grinned, “A side effect of the fact that it’s all we really listen to anymore. I have to say though, Dad, I wish you guys hadn’t been sitting near the back, I would have loved to have heard your duet.”

Warren rolled his eyes, his attitude returned already to its gruff exterior, though he mumbled, “Maybe someday Tracy Ann.”

“Yes, someday when being seated right next to those speakers won’t threaten to kill your son’s ear drums,” Jeannie said. “At least be glad he could be there, even if it was in the last few rows.”

It had taken some small amount of maneuvering, but Ethan had been insistent that he wanted to come with everyone to see the show. Tracy and Kevin had been concerned about the noise, and Kevin had offered to sit with him somewhere else, but to everyone’s surprise, Warren, who had originally claimed, much to Myka’s frustration, that he didn’t need to come, had volunteered to take him and sit with him near the back so that Tracy and Kevin could enjoy the night together from the front rows with everyone else. Something about his willingness, even if it was truly for Ethan’s benefit, had caused something, though she couldn’t say what, to thaw within Myka, to make her feel like maybe, someday, it was possible that she and her dad might be able to just make things work. Ethan’s offering up of Warren’s apparent attention to Helena, no matter how much he downplayed it, only served to encourage that hope within Myka more, though she knew she had to guard against that hope, at least a little. They were taking baby steps, they had been since Ethan’s birthday, and though they had made some progress, well, there was still a lot of time, a lot of mistakes, a lot of words to make up for. 

Myka tugged her thoughts away from her dad and focused on Tracy, who was busy attempting to keep Ethan awake so his head would stop drooping so dangerously close to his spaghetti. She chuckled softly, “You might not need to worry about his ear drums so much as his hair at the moment, Trace. You’re fighting a losing battle there I think. I’m pretty sure his dirty face earlier isn’t going to hold a candle to saucy hair.”

Tracy groaned, “If that’s the case, I total declare it aunts’ night for bath time.”

Helena took in Ethan’s heavy eyelids with a soft smile, “I’m not sure he’s going to be awake long enough for bath time.”

“I’ve got him,” Kevin wiped his hands on his napkin, standing to extract Ethan from his chair carefully. He kissed the top of Tracy’s head, “They’re right, and this boy _really_ needs a bath. Come on Slugger, let’s get you un-sauced.”

Tracy watched Kevin carry Ethan from the room with a smile, then turned back to Helena, “So backtracking a bit, can we talk about ‘Last Hope’ though? I am not sure I have _ever_ heard a crowd sing a song as loudly as they sang that the other night. I’m fairly certain every single person around us was crying.”

Helena gave a slight nod, “It’s been like that all summer, honestly. I don’t know what it is, I mean we expected that ‘Ain’t it Fun’ would have that kind of reaction, we never expected ‘Last Hope’ to be like that.”  
Tracy gave a small sigh, like she couldn’t find the right words, “I don’t know, it’s just so _honest_ , and it’s this _feeling_ that everyone, on some level can relate to it. I mean we’ve all had that _thing_ that just tore us apart, right? And we all have that _one thing_ that keeps our hope alive. I think that’s why it gets to people, because it’s something they can really _feel_ and understand exactly what you’re saying.”

Myka swallowed down a lump of emotion that had risen in her throat. Her family didn’t know what the song was about, not about Helena’s past, not about the fact that Myka was in her own way an inspiration for that spark of hope, but the fact that despite having zero context for it, they still _got_ it, still felt the depth behind it, it filled her with an unknowable jumble of emotions, tied up in a sense of amazement at Helena’s writing, a pang for what she was sure Helena was thinking about in that moment, the things that tore her apart to bring the lyrics up, a sheer, overwhelming sense of love that they were able to be that source of hope for each other. 

“Speaking of understanding exactly what you’re saying,” Jeannie smirked, “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my daughter blush quite so deeply as she did when you introduced your latest song, Helena.”

Helena flushed with a small look of embarrassment, “I was a bit worried she would be upset with me for drawing that much attention to her.”

Myka shook her head, “Didn’t stop you though, did it?” 

Helena shrugged, “What’s a declaration of love amongst ten thousand friends?”

Myka gave her a quick wink, “I must say…blushing aside, I didn’t exactly mind.”

Tracy chuckled, “It was highly entertaining to watch her squirm, it added to my enjoyment, although, it’s a bit weird knowing a song about my sister is going to be on the radio.”

Helena arched an eyebrow at Tracy, “They sort of already have been, Tracy dear. Who exactly do you think ‘Proof’ is about?”

Realization dawned in Tracy’s eyes, “ _How_ did I miss that?”

“No idea,” Jeannie chuckled. “Even _I_ knew that the second I heard it.”

“Ok…before we start dissecting every song on the album that is about me, how about a subject change?” Myka could feel her ears starting to burn under the weight of the conversation. It wasn’t that she minded, but she really didn’t feel like getting into every detail of every word Helena had written about her, at least not in front of her father. Progress or not, she still had very clear limits with her father when it came to some things.

Jeannie rolled her eyes, “Always so shy. Well…fine…for the sake of your delicate constitution dear daughter, I’ll change the subject. You still need to send me your flight information for Wednesday.”  
Myka brought a hand to her forehead, “Damn…you’re right, I’m sorry I keep forgetting. I’ll send it tonight when we get home.”

Jeannie waved the apology off, “As long as I have it before you leave. So, what are you girls going to do over there? Helena, are you looking forward to going home?”

Helena smiled warmly, wrapping a hand around Myka’s thigh underneath the table, “I am. Mostly, I’m looking forward to getting to show Myka around. It will rather be like seeing it all anew, which is quite exciting.”

“Well, I must say I’m exceedingly jealous. We always tried to convince Mom and Dad that Myka and I were such _wonderful_ daughters that we were clearly deserving of an European vacation. They never quite bought it,” Tracy threw a playful pout towards their parents.

Jeannie rolled her eyes, “Yes, wonderful _does_ so often equate to overseas travel. Anyway, Myka, tell us, what are you looking forward to? I know you have a list probably as long as this table filled with the things you want to do.”

Before Myka could respond, Tracy interjected, with a wink, “Clearly, top on that list is meeting the parents, right?” 

Myka fought back against her body’s immediate visceral reaction to Tracy’s question. She forced herself to smile brightly, to tamp down the roiling in her stomach, the way that her breath desperately wanted to come in fits and starts, to ignore every single surge of anxiety that was pushing through her nervous system, “That is very near the top of the list. However, they have some pretty stiff competition…Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Dickens…”

“The Brontes, _my_ lovely namesake,” Helena grinned. “I swear we might not see anything other than literary history while we’re there.”

“Just means we’ll have to plan another trip,” Myka said.

Tracy gave Myka a scrutinizing look, trying to read anything into her tone, her posture, but then she shrugged, “Maybe this is why we didn’t go when we were little. You and Dad would have been all over all of that, and I would have been dragging Mom from palace to palace, we never would have seen each other.”

“You said it, not us,” Warren piped in quietly.

“Well,” Jeannie smiled, “you’ll have to take plenty of pictures.”

“And buy plenty of things for the little one, since he _or_ she will be here soon enough,” Helena smiled towards Tracy.

Tracy sighed playfully, hand instinctively rubbing against her stomach, “Let the spoiling begin.” She sat her napkin down and pushed back from the table, “Speaking of which, Myka, you need to see what Jane sent us. It’s upstairs, come on.”

Myka furrowed her brow slightly. They were done with dinner, but still Tracy’s request seemed oddly out of nowhere, but she stood anyway and followed Tracy upstairs. Tracy shut the door of the nursery quietly behind them, unwilling to disturb Kevin who she had seen trying to get Ethan down for bed in the room across the hall. She leaned back against the door, pointing towards a handmade blanket that was draped over the crib in the corner, “Jane’s been busy.”

Myka’s eyes followed Tracy’s gesture, “She finished _that_ quickly.” She ran her fingertips over the soft material, smiling softly. Pete’s mom never failed to be exceedingly thoughtful, it didn’t matter that they weren’t really family, she treated Tracy and Kevin as if they were her own, always there for birthdays and other occasions. As she considered the blanket, she heard Tracy clear her throat behind her, and her shoulders slumped, “So apparently my assumption was correct that you pulled me up here for something beyond showing me this.”

Tracy didn’t hedge, didn’t even acknowledge that Myka had spoken, “It’s going to be fine you know? Meeting them. They will love you, Myka.”

Myka let out an incredulous bark of laughter that didn’t even sound like herself, her head hung staring at the swirl of the yellows and greens on the crib’s sheets, “Trust me, I keep telling myself that.”

Tracy stepped forward, wrapping a light hand around Myka’s shoulder, turning her around. She forced Myka to meet her eye, “Then why are you so nervous?”

Myka sighed, tilting her head back in vain hope that gravity would help fight off the tears that were stinging the backs of her eyes, “Because I have no idea what I’m going to do if they don’t like me.”

“Myka…you’ve been together for almost two years. You’ve talked to them before, you’ve essentially met them, just through a computer screen.”

“But that’s _the point_ , Trace.” Myka ran a hand through her hair roughly, “We’ve been together for _two years_ , and I am one hundred percent certain that I am going to marry that woman someday, that I am incapable, or at least wildly uninterested, in living my life without her, so what the fucking hell am I supposed to do if her parents can’t stand me?”

Tracy gave her a steady, almost skeptical, look, “Do you honestly think that Helena is going to give a damn about what they think? Do you _really think_ that if for some reason, I don’t know, you and her mother annoy the shit out of each other, that she will just bail? Suddenly reconsider the last two years of your lives together? Come on, Myka…”

“ _I know_ ,” Myka groaned, tipping her head forward onto Tracy’s shoulder, “I know, I know, I know. I’m being crazy and irrational and insecure for absolutely no reason…it’s just…it’s _weird_ , ya know? After two years, I’m just now really meeting them? It’s disconcerting. Usually, at this point you’re past all these _steps_.”

“True, but _usually_ you aren’t dating someone who grew up on the other side of the ocean.”

“I just…I _really_ want them to like me. I know it doesn’t matter, that it _won’t_ matter to Helena, but I don’t know… _it matters_.”

Tracy nodded knowingly, shifting her hands to lift Myka’s head off of her shoulder. She gave her a smile that she hoped conveyed to Myka that she _understood_ , “It does matter, I will give you that, but remember it is not _the only thing_ that matters. Plus, Myka…my dear, crazy, big sister…you seriously have nothing to worry about. You are hands down the politest, most caring, least worrisome member of this family. You might not have all of Helena’s _swagger_ , but you have your own incredible sense of charm, and one hell of a mind to go along with it. From what you’ve told me about them, between your manners and your ridiculous intelligence, they won’t have any choice but to love you.”

Myka sighed, “I hope so.”

Tracy leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed Myka’s forehead, “I know so.”

Myka chuckled, “God…I hated it when you said that when we were little.”

“ _I know_ , but in this instance, it’s true dearest. It is all going to be one hundred percent, completely fine.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

Tracy grinned, “You go ahead and do that big sister.”

**

Helena took one look at the papers, the plans, the itineraries, the books that Myka piled onto her tray table the second they were at cruising altitude and had to try her hardest to not burst out laughing right there in the middle of the cabin, knowing that such an outburst would at best disrupt people and at worst cause an unnecessary nervousness. Instead she opted to lean over and place a kiss against Myka’s ear, whispering, “You do realize that I _lived_ in England for...oh I don’t know well over twenty years, correct?”

A grin like she couldn’t tell whether Helena was ridiculous or adorable took over Myka’s face. She idly flipped through one of her travel books, refusing to fully meet Helena’s eye, “If I wasn’t, that accent of yours _does_ tend to give it away.”

Helena continued her whispering, leaning perilously closer to Myka’s ear, “And yet somehow, you seem as though you might trust those books more than me.”  
“I like to be prepared for all contingencies.”

“That I’ll suddenly lose my memory and not know how to show you around my home?”

“That your nephew will simply say you can’t leave the house and must instead build the whole London skyline in LEGOs.”

Helena chuckled, though it came out more like a soft exhalation of breath, “I would never deprive myself of the wonder of showing you my fair city.”

“Since we’re talking about things that we may or may not realize, _you_ do realize that we’re on a plane surrounded by a lot of other people, right?”

“How can I forget such a reality when it is forcing me to sit in such close proximity to you for nine hours and somehow _behave_ myself?”

Myka bit down at the corner of her lip, “And whispering in my ear like this is you behaving?”

“You should know me well enough by now darling to know that _yes_ this is _absolutely_ behaving.”

Myka shook her head with some strange mix of adoration and incredulity, “Weren’t you, at some point this summer, threatening to just sleep through these nine hours?”

“I was…but…that prospect is now seeming like a woeful waste of time…”

“Compared to?”

“Do you really want me to answer that question?”

“No…I probably don’t.”

Helena leaned back to take in the slight flush of Myka’s cheeks, the way her eyes were far too determined to remain focused on the task in front of her, the grip of her fingers around the aforementioned godforsaken travel book, and decided that for now, for the first hour of this very long flight, she had teased enough, made things eventful enough…for now. She leaned back in her seat and extracted the book from Myka’s hands flipping through it aimlessly, “I still cannot quite believe that you’ve never been to England before. It seems almost criminal. All that history, all that literary _and_ musical history, right at your fingertips…it seems as though it was a country practically made for you.”

Myka shrugged slightly, barely a lift of both of her shoulders, almost as though she couldn’t quite lift the weight of her answer, “It just never seemed like a place I’d want to see alone.”

“That makes it sound like you had given it some thought…”

This time Myka’s shrug was more definitive, accompanied by a small sigh, “I did. After I had found out about Sam and Giselle, I knew I needed to get away, just have some time for myself…”

“Myka you don’t…” Helena cut her off quickly, unaware that her train of thought, her questions would have pulled Myka down this particular road.

Myka waved a dismissive hand, “It’s completely fine, Helena. Trust me. No, I just knew I wanted to _go somewhere_ , and I debated London, but the more I thought about it, no matter how much it was something I’d always wanted to see, I knew I wanted to see it with someone who would appreciate it as much as I did. I wanted someone to be excited about it with me.”

Helena thrilled at the idea that she was that someone, that she got to be the person to experience this with Myka, to see it all new and fresh through Myka’s eyes. She didn’t know how to properly express that, so she simply leaned over and pressed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, before leaning back and asking, “So where did you end up going?”

“Paris,” Myka said serenely.

Helena’s eyes widened, “I’m sorry love, but somehow the city of lights after a breakup does not exactly seem…”

“Enjoyable?” Myka grinned.

“I was going to say prudent, but I believe enjoyable encapsulates it far better.”

“I had the same thought initially, but honestly? It was kind of nice. I mean I know it’s this city shrouded in romance, but because of that, there’s a lot of quiet corners to reflect and be on your own if you want to be. I spent two weeks wandering in gardens, drinking a lot of wine, and taking my absolute, sweet time in as many museums as I could manage. It gave me time to think and be and exist, to really just _breathe_. In a lot of ways, those quiet spaces allowed me the chance to rediscover myself, which I’ll admit, I had lost a bit in the midst of everything else.”

Helena considered Myka’s words, loving so deeply that she had fallen in love with a woman who had such a love of _words_ , an eloquence that made even the simplest of them twist and turn into something luminous. She imagined strolling those light strewn streets of Paris alone and let out an involuntary sigh of contentment, “Now that you’ve put it that way, I can imagine that that was extremely peaceful. All those lights and gardens and rivers to yourself…”

Myka leaned and bumped her shoulder against Helena’s, “That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to see it again…though maybe this time with a bit more romance.”

Helena let out a hum of contentment, settling her head onto Myka’s shoulder, entwining their fingers, “Somehow I’m sure we could manage a romantic atmosphere.”

Myka kissed the top of Helena’s head, “Sounds like we have another trip to plan.”

Helena chuckled, “Probably best to get through this one first though…”

“Probably.”

**

As the hours ticked away, the miles evaporating around them, Helena noticed that Myka was fidgeting more, fussing with her papers, her book, her iPod, anything she could get her hands on every few minutes. Helena ran a hand across Myka’s thigh, “These seats aren’t exactly kind to you and your long legs are they?”

Myka fidgeted again, stretching her legs as far as possible, “No, they aren’t.”

Helena watched and waited to see if this simple adjustment in position would be enough to temper Myka’s propensity for movement, but after five more minutes it became evident that it was to no avail. There was something else hovering just below the surface of Myka’s demeanor, some unsettled _thing_ that wouldn’t leave Myka alone. Eventually, as Helena’s mind raced back through images and moments of the last few days, the realization that the frequency of Myka’s fidgeting had only been seeming to _increase_ as the days ticked by hit her, followed quickly by the memory of Myka’s face on Monday night at dinner when they had started talking about their trip. They had little less than an hour left in their flight, and so she knew there was truly no time like the present. She spoke quietly, not even meeting Myka’s eye, keeping her own firmly on her book, “You’re nervous about meeting my parents aren’t you?”

Myka gave a weighted, heavy sigh, “I am apparently the most transparent person on earth.”

“ _Or_ you may just be dating the most observant.”

Myka chuckled, “I wish I could stroke that ego of yours a bit, Swagger, but Tracy called me out for it on Monday too, so I’m pretty sure that at this point it’s just written all over my face.”

“I’m guessing it will do me absolutely no good to tell you that you have no reason to be nervous?”

“That would be a definitive no.”

“I love you…I love you for being nervous, honestly. I know it will make little difference, but here is what I’ll say. It matters to me not one whit what my parents think, especially when it comes to my romantic life, that ship sailed long ago. However, I know that it matters to you, and I need you to hear me when I say that you are the epitome of the person my parents would want me to bring home. You are warm and charming and smart and _well-read_ and thoughtful and a myriad of other adjectives that I could give you. They will most likely like you more than they like me, so you do have that to look forward to.”

That thankfully drew a wave of laughter, albeit hesitant laughter, from Myka, “Well, considering your relationship with my family that seems only fair.”

“That’s true,” Helena winked before drawing in a deep breath. “Myka, we are not taking this trip so you can _meet my parents_ , that is simply a consequence of this trip, _not_ the cause. I know you will worry, that you will worry until we leave their house, but trust me when I say, it will be ok.”

“I know. I know I’m being silly.”

“Yes, because you _should_ be more nervous about Lottie,” Helena teased. 

Lottie was Helena’s affectionate name for her, _Charlotte_ , and as the words came out of Helena’s mouth, Myka realized she was probably _very right_ on that count. She groaned, “I hate you. _I love you_ , but I hate you.”

“Ah, but you’re not worried about my parents anymore are you?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “ _Minor details_.”

“Yes, and you know how _minor details_ are always so important to me, love. Shall I give you on more reason to hopefully ease your nerves?”

“I welcome all options.”

Helena raised an eyebrow, “Careful there darling…” Myka groaned, but Helena simply continued, pulling out her phone, “I meant to show you this earlier, but I forgot, or apparently I had saved it for the right moment. Anna sent me this this morning.”

Helena held up her phone for Myka to read:

_“Aunt Helena, tell Myka that I have more books for us to read!”_

Helena gave Myka a teasing smile, “Someone is _very_ excited to see you.”

Myka’s smile, which once had been hesitant and uncertain, turned to beaming, “That…now _that_ made the nerves disappear.”

“Apparently, I should have just led with that then.”

Myka leaned forward and left a light kiss to Helena’s lips, “I appreciate _all_ of your efforts, trust me.”

**

If some of Myka’s nerves had started to creep back in once they actually stepped off the plane, all it took was getting to baggage claim to make them disappear all over again. Standing in front of their luggage carousel were Charles and Shelby with Philip and Anna standing in between them holding up a huge sign that said, “Welcome Home Aunt Helena and Aunt Myka.”  
Helena chanced a look Myka’s way, commenting casually, “Well that’s certainly new…”

Myka’s lips quirked in an almost hesitant smile, as though she didn’t want to be _too_ overjoyed at this particular word choice, as though she wasn’t quite sure it would stick, that it was permanent. She attempted to convince her muscles to work, her jaw to move, her mouth to simply _form words_ , but she couldn’t and even once she was possibly ready to say _something_ , all conversation was cut off as they came within close enough proximity of the kids for Anna to abandon the sign holding to Philip in order to run and fling her arms around Myka’s knees. Myka braced her messenger bag against her shoulder, letting out a small, “Oof” as Anna careened into her. Once she was fully balanced she leaned down and hoisted her up and into her arms, giving her a tight squeeze, “Well, it’s good to see you too!”

Anna gave her a bright smile, “I have new books.”

“Ya know, I heard something about that. But let me guess you’re just going to read them _all_ yourself, and not share with me at all.”

There was a soft giggle muffled against Myka’s shoulder as Anna hugged her again, “No! _You_ have to read them _to me_ , Aunt Myka.”

“Oh! Ok, well, I bet I can do that.”

Helena leaned over and whispered, “I believe Claudia would say that is most certainly _a thing_ now.”

Myka’s smile finally burst forth without hesitation or worry, whispering back to Helena, “I can’t say I’m complaining.”

Helena gave her a soft smile and stepped forward to greet the rest of her family, Philip already with words flying at a thousand miles an hour about all the things he had to tell her. 

Myka shifted Anna to one arm, to hug Charles and Shelby as best she could. Charles chuckled and extracted her bag from her arm, “Apparently your hands are full.”

Helena slipped a kiss to Myka’s cheek, reaching a hand out to tickle at Anna’s side, “I’m beginning to worry we might see nothing but the inside of the house this whole trip, since you two have so much _reading_ to catch up on.”

Myka shrugged, “Sounds like a perfect way to spend a vacation to me.”

Shelby let out a tiny groan, “Be careful what you wish for Myka, all week that’s all she’s talked about.”

Anna squeezed an arm around Myka’s neck, not paying a bit of attention to her parents or their commentary, simply whispering so that only Myka could hear, “I missed you.”

Myka was positive she was _floating_ , that there was no possible way for her feet to be touching the ground, even going so far as to wiggle her toes inside of her shoes to make sure they encountered something solid. She tilted her head catching Anna’s temple in a quick kiss, “I missed you too…crazy missed you, Sunshine.”

**

As they drove through the city towards Charles and Shelby’s house, Philip turned around in his seat, giving Myka an intent, serious look, “I apologize for our sign.”

Myka would have laughed at the utter formality of the sentence, but she was too busy being flooded with complete panic that she was about to be told that the “aunt” thing was simply a misprint, a mistake, something that Anna had demanded that he had simply acquiesced too. She took a surreptitious deep breath, fighting out one small word, “Why?”

Philip’s gaze was the perfect imitation of Helena, incredulous at the audacity of the situation, flummoxed that she hadn’t already intuited what he was going to say, “Well, it said ‘welcome _home_.’ We knew it wasn’t really your home, but Aunt Helena is from here, and we didn’t know what else to say…”

Relief rushed through Myka’s nervous system. She gave him a considering nod then a small wink, “It’s ok. I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.”

“That’s agreeable.”

Now it was Helena having to tamp down her laughter, cover it under the guise of a catch in her throat as her fingers dug a bit harder into Myka’s thigh. When Philip had returned his attention to the front of the car, Myka leaned in and whispered, “I swear to God, he turns into you more each day.”

Helena’s eyes twinkled, “What can I say? Eloquence runs in the family.”

“Something like that.”

“You don’t seem nervous anymore.”

“I’m not…though I may need to take Anna with me when we meet your parents…”

Helena chuckled, “I’m sure that could be arranged. Although then you two would only talk to each other…”

“Maybe that’s _precisely_ the point.”

“It will be fine.”

“Just keep telling me that…incessantly.”

Helena interlaced their fingers and rested them back against Myka’s knee, “I can do that.”

**

“Holy shit…” The words slipped out of Myka’s mouth without giving them any real thought, but in the face of what she was seeing it couldn’t truly be helped.

Helena looked at her skeptically, “What?”

Myka turned to her with wide eyes, “You did not grow up here.”

Helena’s gaze swooped over her childhood home, trying to see it through Myka’s eyes, “It is a little… _much_ , isn’t it?”

“Helena, you could fit _two_ of our houses in there.”

“Hardly…” Helena squinted her eyes, “well, maybe one and a half.”

Myka rolled her eyes, running her hands up and down her jean clad thighs, “I suddenly feel _highly_ under-dressed.”

“Darling, we are hardly having tea with the queen. You look fine,” Helena watched a flash of fear, uncertainty race through Myka’s eyes at that word. She moved to stand in front of her, hands coming up to rub up and down her arms, “You look _more than fine_. You look exquisite.” Helena leaned up on her tip toes and pressed a chaste kiss to Myka’s lips, “I promise, you look wonderful, but we _should_ probably get inside, otherwise my mother will have words for me about loitering.”

Myka sucked in a deep breath, taking one last look at the house that felt as though it was looming over them, somehow waiting to swallow up not only her hopes for the future, but possibly her entire self, “Alright, let’s go.”

**

_God, my family is so loud_. It was the constant refrain in Myka’s head all through dinner, all through what was arguably the most subdued dinner she had ever experienced, even compared to the myriad of slightly uncomfortable, slightly quiet Sunday dinners she had endured alone with her parents. Even then, at least between she and her mother, there was always a steady stream of easy conversation, that flowed and bubbled around the table doing something to warm the cooler temperatures radiating off of her father. This though…dinner with Helena’s parents was neither warm nor cold, it was all very…temperate. 

Things weren’t awkward, they weren’t even uncomfortable. They were actually quite _nice_ , but they were also very…well the only thing Myka could come up with to adequately describe this dinner, this atmosphere was elevator music. It wasn’t that it wasn’t enjoyable, quaint, comforting even, in its consistent, lilting rhythm. It was just…it wasn’t something that you blared out of our speakers at the end of a long day. It wasn’t something that made you _feel_ something necessarily. It made Myka realize that to Helena her family, in the beginning, must have sounded like a heavy metal concert, all loud noises and high octane drive. 

Myka wasn’t sure she had ever seen or heard Helena so restrained before. There was the occasional lilt to her voice, a subtle joke, a secretive smirk thrown Myka’s way, but while usually Helena was all bright, bold colors, here in the midst of this house, this big, huge, heavy house, all of those colors drained away into something Myka could only term as _beige_. 

She found herself wishing that she could have seen, could have known how things were _before_. Before Helena had left, before she had lost so much, before her parents had said words that couldn’t be taken back, before everything had been so irrevocably changed. She wanted to know if this was just how things had always been, or if this quiet restraint was simply a by-product of three people who no longer fully knew who they were together, who would always be surrounded by the ghost of what was and what could no longer be. She tried to imagine what a teenage, what a twenty-something Helena would have been like in this house if it had, in fact, always been like this. All beige, quiet, subdued. She imagined her sass and her wit coming out in flashes to disapproving, though mildly endeared, smiles. She envisioned her “London Calling” t-shirt and imagined The Clash blaring through these most likely paper-thin walls. It made for a incongruous picture in Myka’s mind, Helena’s bright, unrestrained light, against this fog of polite decorum, and it made her want to laugh, because of course, Helena would never be dampened. Her light never doused. Yet, in the midst of that seemingly gorgeous thought, was the realization that Helena came very close to burning out within these walls, to drowning in a sea of sensibility, and she understood, fully, for the first time, why she had wanted to get out so desperately. After everything…how could she have possibly wanted to stay?

_Civilized_. That was the word Myka finally hit upon that summed up the entire experience of meeting Helena’s parents. What with the drinks before dinner, the formal way they gathered around a dinner table far bigger than necessary for four people, the retreat to a different room for post-dinner conversation and coffee, Myka felt like every time they moved, spoke, it was to hit a specific, timed mark. Helena’s parents were polite, curious, asking about their life, about Myka’s family, tiny inquiries into the general ebb and flow of how they made things work, but it just never sank into something beyond surface level. It was as though they feared diving in too deep, that they were acutely aware of how badly they had failed at the last truly big thing in Helena’s life so they preferred to keep their distance in lieu of trying and messing it up miserably, causing them to lose her again. In a lot of ways, it reminded her of life with her dad now, in this uncertain, no man’s land of détente, and it made her realize, for possibly the first time, how and why Helena was so able to listen and understand and love her through the hell and the middle ground of her relationship with her father.

As Helena offered Myka another cup of coffee and resumed her comfortable, though very postured, position next to her on the love seat, Myka couldn’t help but envision how, only days before this moment, Helena had been sprawled out on the floor of Tracy’s living room, head in Myka’s lap, talking to Myka’s mother about various wardrobe _mishaps_ that had occurred throughout the summer. Myka tried to imagine that same thing happening now, and it was unfathomable. If they had been at Charles’ house, then yes, definitely, but this was not that house, and clearly Helena and her parents, were in no way, shape, or form, Helena and Charles, or Helena and Myka’s family for that matter. 

It made a part of Myka ache, realizing that there was this distance, this gaping hole in what might have once been something warm. Yet, she recognized that getting a glimpse of this, of what was and what used to be, it made her understand Helena more, made certain puzzle pieces click into place, and so although it wasn’t some loud, exuberant, boisterous family dinner, it was something Myka was thankful for nonetheless.

**

“I must say, I’m fairly certain my prediction of them liking you more than me was absolutely confirmed this evening.” Helena’s tone was light, near teasing, though Myka could detect an underlying tone of something less than contented in it as they strolled hand in hand through the dwindling twilight of Kensington Gardens.

Myka knew her tone would belie her inability to read _any_ kind of emotion that had been present this evening, but it was not to be helped, “I have no idea how you can make that sort of assumption after one dinner.”

Myka felt Helena’s shoulder rise and fall in a quick shrug, the muscles of her arm flexing and releasing, “I know my parents. It’s apparent in very small, quite subtle ways, but the fact that my mother hugged you when we left is a fairly good indicator.”

“That…was a bit unexpected, I have to say. Your parents don’t exactly seem like huggers.”

Helena’s laughter was hollow, a bit sad, “No…I suppose they don’t. Still, I hope that after this evening all of your worries have been assuaged. I believe you can rest easy with a solid Wells’ family stamp of approval.”

“Yeah, I think I’m going to wait for your grandmother’s opinion before I get too ahead of myself on that front.”

Helena squeezed Myka’s hand, “Wise woman.” 

They walked in easy silence, Myka seeking to drink in as much of the twilit scenery as she could, despite the fact that she knew they would come back tomorrow, that she would be able to see it in the sunlight, in its fully display of beauty. She heard Helena give a soft sigh next to her, and the sound alone was enough to make Myka release the grip of their hands and slide an arm around Helena’s waist, drawing her closer, close enough to drop a kiss to her temple, to whisper rambling words of sentimental nothingness into her ear for a few frivolous seconds. Eventually, Helena tilted her head to rest against Myka’s shoulder as they walked, her voice coming out in a vulnerable timbre that Myka was not sure she would ever get used to hearing when it came from Helena, “I can imagine things felt rather different for you tonight. I honestly can’t say I know what you envisioned, but I know that in comparison to your family…well…my parents are a bit _quieter_ than your family.”

“You know sometimes I wonder if you have discovered a way to read my mind and you just haven’t told me yet.” Helena’s head lifted up with a surprised look causing Myka to chuckle and squeeze her waist, “It’s just all night I kept thinking, ‘holy shit they would think my family is so loud.’”

Helena’s eyebrows raised in a kind of amused dance, “It is rather what I love so much about your family. Their boisterousness, their unabashed lack of restraint when it comes to most things.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “That lack of restraint is not always a good thing, as you well know.”

“I know, but it does allow for a certain amount of carefree whimsy. Rarely, if ever, with your family have I felt that I needed to pretend, to put up a certain kind of façade. That is mostly due to their general lack of concern over appearances and pretense. Your family is simply always _your family_ and that is unimaginably refreshing.”

Myka picked and chose her words carefully, feeling as though in the midst of the luscious garden around them she was tiptoeing her way through a minefield, “Is that how you feel being here? Or at least, being there? At home? Like you’re putting up a façade?”

“That house is not home, not anymore. It hasn’t been in a long time. No, when I’m here _home_ is very much Charles and Shelby’s, more than anything _home_ is Lottie’s. To answer your question though I shall respond with a question of my own darling. Did you feel as though I was perfectly myself tonight?”

Myka knew that Helena expected an honest answer to the question, but the idea of saying exactly what she thought on that topic filled her with an uneasiness she couldn’t quite grasp. Her teeth worried at the corner of her lip for a few moments, before she decided to simply plow forward, “No, I didn’t. It felt a bit like I was seeing you from underwater, like I could tell it was you, but you were all blurry around the edges.”

Helena’s lips twitched in an aggrieved sort of self-deprecating smile, “Sadly for you, so many of the things that you love about me are things that my parents find…less than agreeable in proper company. At least that’s what has been said in the past…the long, distant past I’ll admit, but the effects of those words…they linger. They leave me less inclined to let my guard down around them, to let my swagger, a word my mother would _abhor_ by the way, shine.”

Myka’s breath left her in a relieved sort of rush, “Jesus, I am really glad that I didn’t accidentally let that slip tonight. I can honestly,” Myka let out a small laugh, “imagine your mother’s face if I called you Swagger in front of her.”

“It would not be a pretty sight…amusing…but dreadful.”

Myka cleared her throat slightly, “Can I ask…maybe I shouldn’t…maybe you don’t want to talk about it, which is _totally fine_ , but what exactly does that mean? ‘Less agreeable in proper company?’”

“You can ask, love. You can ask anything. I’ve told you that my parents didn’t handle the news of my pregnancy well. That initial conversation…it devolved quite quickly, and in the end the overarching point they seemed to be making was that I was bound to have gotten myself into a situation such as that because I was too flirtatious, too boisterous in my attentions. To them it wasn’t confidence or swagger or any such thing other than wantonness.”

Myka felt like there was no air left in her lungs. It was true, her father had said deplorable things to her, things that Helena felt were unforgivable, but somehow such a cutting, _skewed_ vision of Helena’s being, was enough to make Myka want to take back every nice word she had shared with her parents through the course of the evening. The idea that her own parents failed to see that for every coy remark there was a layer of vulnerability beneath it, that Helena was so much more than her confidence, but that she was caring and attentive and sweet and funny and all the things that Myka adored…she didn’t know how to process that there were people who couldn’t see that. Her words caught in a tangle in her throat, “That is…absolutely…horrible.”

“It was. It still is, I suppose, but time has run its typical course, and in the end they apologized for it, for many things. I’ve forgiven them for most of them. However, that does not mean that I am fully able to feel comfortable being entirely open with them. I always feel as though I have to hold something back in order to keep things in a proper balance.”

“Helena…I don’t know what to say…”

Helena brushed a kiss to Myka’s jaw, “I don’t expect you to say anything my love, I simply wanted to tell you so that you might better understand why things felt how they felt this evening, and well, I just…I’m sorry if things felt cold or if those walls that we have built up for the better safe-guarding of our relationship made you feel as though my parents weren’t fully invested in us being there. I hope you know that wasn’t it at all, it is simply how they operate, how _we_ operate. It is simply how we best function now.”

Myka stopped them without thought or care to if there were people walking behind them who would be disturbed by their presence in the middle of the thoroughfare. Her eyes bored into Helena’s with a heat she hoped was still visible in the growing darkness, “You have to know I get that, that I get that completely. I understand, albeit better now, all the how’s and the why’s of what your family needs to do in order to be who you are after everything that’s happened. You don’t have to apologize.” Myka leaned down and kissed her with a swift kind of fierceness, the kind she hoped conveyed that she loved Helena precisely, _exactly_ , as she was. When she straightened back up, she gave a small, playful shrug, “And honestly? I had a good time. It was kind of nice to, for once, have a bit of a quiet evening, without threat of spaghetti sauce flying or embarrassing parental commentary meant for our mutual embarrassment. They’re your family, Helena, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Thank you for that. I wish that there was some way to knock down the walls that have risen between us, but sometimes, when those walls are made of words, actions, you cannot take back…”

“You know that I, of all people, wholly understand that, understand those walls.”  
“I do know, darling, and I love you so very fiercely for that.”

Myka’s lips pulled into a teasing, crooked smile, “Do you know what _I_ love?”

Helena quirked an eyebrow, “One would hope that _I_ would be the answer to that question.”

“Always, but I also love that your accent has gotten so much stronger since we got here.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Why does that not surprise me? Both the fact that it has and your love of that fact.”

Myka pulled Helena in a bit closer, “It’s incredibly sexy you know?”

Helena smirked, “I _might_ be aware of that fact. I _might_ also be aware of the effect that fact has on your constitution.”

“Is that you confessing to doing it on purpose to drive me crazy?”

Helena shrugged with a non-committal air, her arms twining around Myka’s neck to pull her down as she whispered, “I would _never_ do such a thing…”

“What? Confess or exaggerate your accent?”

The word “both” was a wisp of air against Myka’s lips as Helena closed the space between them.

**

“You really helped build this?” Myka tilted her head back as far as it could go, staring up at the vision of steel and glinting glass before her. 

“The architects and the builders hold all the credit for that, I simply…helped make sure that structurally it was possible.”

Myka tilted her head to the side, giving Helena an incredulous look, “Modesty is wildly unattractive on you.” She turned her head back up towards the sky, trying to process what was in front of her, the angles, the precision, the beauty, the power, the subtlety. She let out a breathy sigh, “You know, architecture has never really been my thing, but knowing that in some way your hands helped form this…it’s breathtaking.”

“You flatter me darling.”

“You _deserve_ to be flattered. It’s remarkable.”

Helena pressed a hand to the small of Myka’s back, encouraging her to move, to start a slow walk around the entire building, allowing them to take in every detail of the building that Helena was, in fact, quite proud to have played some small role in developing. Helena had to keep her own eyes forward, otherwise Myka, with her neck remaining firmly craned, firmly looking up, would have surely run into something or someone. 

“All of this is really dizzying.”

Helena chuckled, “That’s what happens when you keep your head tilted up like that for this long.”

“No, not that. _This_ , all of this. Seeing what your life was like here, it’s overwhelming and amazing. I just keep trying to take all of it in, and I keep coming up short, because it’s just so…I don’t even know what the word for it is, honestly. It’s just…it’s like I can see you even better than I did before, and I didn’t really think that was possible.”

Helena’s smile was a bit shy, a bit self-deprecating, “I suppose it is only fair to give you these glimpses since I get to see you in your natural habitat all the time.”

“My natural habitat?”

Helena rolled her eyes with a shrug, “It was the first turn of phrase that came to mind.”

“Should I start referring to our house as a zoo then or something?”

Helena’s head tilted back as she groaned, “Insufferable.”

“Now _there’s_ a word I haven’t heard in awhile.”

“You’d been given a temporary reprieve given how much I had missed you.”

“Ah,” Myka sighed dramatically, “the post-tour honeymoon phase comes to an end with one eloquent adjective.”

Helena tugged on Myka’s hand with another groan, “Come on you, there is more of my _natural habitat_ for you to see.”

Helena made good on that promise, allowing Myka to wander through the footsteps of her childhood, her precarious early adulthood. From her earliest primary school to the hole in the wall fish and chips pub where she first sang in public, a horrifying first attempt at an open mic night that she had much preferred to forget, but decided Myka was allowed to see. It gave Helena a strange sense of joy, some kind of overwhelming happiness to see Myka in and amongst these places of her past. To watch Myka enjoy her first, truly properly poured pint, to see her catch a drop of malt vinegar on the tip of her tongue as it dripped down her thumb, to see the way that her eyes just seemed to drink in every detail that Helena showed her, making it blatantly evident that she was trying to mesmerize every single thing, to remember Helena in these spaces that had been such a vital part of her life. 

They stayed in London for a week, though it still didn’t feel like enough time. Myka felt as though they had barely had any time with Charles and Shelby, although she and Anna still managed to get through two books in that short period of time. Yet Helena did her best to give Myka what she felt was the proper balance between the tourist experience and the relaxing, casual vacation she knew they both needed. There were tours and guidebooks, but there were also calm, quiet afternoons spent wandering through parks with no agenda other than to be together, to maybe read for a little while, to enjoy light picnic lunches. Everywhere they went, Helena felt like she was falling in love with her home all over again, seeing it anew through Myka’s eyes, feeling it brighten and glow simply because of Myka’s presence, because they were getting to experience these things together. 

Myka, however, couldn’t quite wrap her head properly around the idea that Helena felt that way. As they tracked through the ins and outs of what was envisioned as Charles Dickens’ London, she let out a small sigh, giving Helena an embarrassed grimace, “I feel like I’m dragging you through all this tourist stuff, which I am sure you have seen a million times.”

Helena shook her head slowly, “Darling…I might have seen them before, but I have never seen them quite like _this_.”

“Like what?”

“With someone who shares my same passion and interest in it, with someone who whole-heartedly appreciates it as much as I do. I’ve never been able to do any of this with anyone, to share it with someone. I rather feel like I’m seeing it all for the first time.”

Myka’s cheeks pinked, “You’re sweet.”

“And completely honest. I love seeing this with you, seeing you see it for the first time. It’s…perfect.”

“As long as I’m not boring you…”

Helena leaned up and brushed a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “You could never bore me. _Ever_.”

**

“So this is it, huh?” Myka peered up at the quaint house in front of her. She tilted her head, “It’s not what I expected.”

“It’s good to know that being able to surprise you is an apparent Wells’ family trait.”

Myka pointed to the plaque affixed to the gated entry, “It is _unbelievably_ weird to see that though. _‘H.G. Wells lived here_.’ We should get one of those made for our house.”

Helena rolled her eyes, chuckling, “Please, God, _no_.”

Myka turned to Helena with a giddy smile, “Can we go in?”

“I believe my father already called ahead to fit us with a private tour, so yes, I believe we can.”  
“I feel like I should be calling you H.G. right now.”

Helena groaned, “Please don’t.”

“Fine, but tell me is this the point where you finally tell me that there actually _is_ a time machine?”

“Wow, should I anticipate you being like this through the whole tour?” Helena chuckled.

“Yes,” Myka grinned. She tucked an arm around Helena’s waist, “Alright Swagger, let’s go tread in that namesake of yours footsteps.”

**

That first week culminated in a moment that Helena desperately sought to imprint on her mind, so as to never forget one iota of it. She had told Myka she had made plans for them, but adamantly refused to tell her anything beyond that. She _didn’t_ tell her until it became obvious what they were doing as Helena walked her up to the front doors of The Globe and handed Myka her ticket for _Twelfth Night_.

Myka looked at her with wide, amazed eyes, “This is The Globe.”

Helena smirked in an effort to bite back her laughter, “It is darling.”

“But it’s _The Globe_ , like Shakespeare’s Globe.”

“I know…”

“And we have tickets?”

“As you can see in your hand.”

Myka surged forward and landed a less than graceful kiss against Helena’s lips, “Thank you.”

“You are more than welcome, my love. I couldn’t very well bring my literature loving girlfriend to London and deprive her of seeing a play here. It would have been a gross error on my part.”

Myka was beaming. She managed a more elegant, more delicate kiss this time, “I love you.”

“And I, you, my darling, Myka. Now,” Helena tucked her hand into Myka’s, giving it a tight squeeze, “come, the stage awaits.”

**

From Jane Austen’s Bath to Shakespeare’s Stratford, all the way north to the rustling, shadowed moors of the Brontes, Helena took Myka on what she hoped was as extensive of a literary tour of England as she could manage with limited time. She _wished_ they had more time, but there was somewhere they absolutely had to be at the end of the week, on the last few days of their time in England. Her grandmother would not hear of anything else, and in reality, neither would Myka in her insistence that Helena give her as detailed of a tour of Oxford as possible. 

“You’re not going to convince me, you know that right?” Myka gave Helena a determined stare, forcing her to question, to defy.

Helena rolled her eyes, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Myka let out a sharp bark of a laugh, “ _Yeah right_ , we’re heading straight for that bookstore, and believe me when I say _it is not going to happen_.”

“You are far too suspicious love.”

“I will acquiesce to going in there with the understanding that we are buying _you_ a new sweatshirt.”

“You really think so little of me as to think that I haven’t _let that go_ , as you have told me I must do on countless occasions?”

Myka heaved a dramatic sigh before chuckling, “ _Wow_ , that was…that was laying it on a bit thick.”

Helena’s eyes twinkled with suppressed mirth before her lungs burst forth with bright laughter, “Ok, _yes_ it was, however, I would still like to go in, because I _would_ like to get a replacement.”

“Oh maybe once that one gets all good and _you smelling_ , I’ll steal that one too,” Myka grinned.

“‘All good and you smelling?’ Really?”

Myka shrugged, tucking a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “I honestly couldn’t think of any better way to put it.”

Helena grinned, bumping into Myka’s shoulder, “You’re ridiculous, if not mildly adorable.”

“You _love_ me. Now come on, you’ve got a sweatshirt to buy.”

**

Helena eyed Myka carefully as they walked across the damp sidewalks of Central North Oxford, took in the ease of her shoulders, her relaxed gait. Helena squeezed lightly at their entwined hands, “You don’t seem nervous.”

Myka’s eyebrows raised, “I can’t tell if that’s you saying I should be or that you want me to be.”  
Helena shook her head quickly, “Neither…I’m just rather surprised is all.”

Myka shrugged, “Honestly? Me too. I don’t know, maybe your parents exhausted me of all nervousness.”

“Or it’s the end of a two week vacation and you’re exhausted.”

Myka chuckled, “That’s probably the most likely candidate.” Myka drew in a deep breath, glancing at Helena, “ _Should_ I be nervous?”

“No,” Helena’s response was definitive. At Myka’s skeptical look, Helena smiled warmly, “I know I teased you about it on the plane, but truly, I am saying no. It is very true that Lottie is not a woman to be trifled with, however, she is fiercely loyal and, other than Charles, she is the one person in my family that has always fought for my happiness. You know how candid our letters are. She, of all people, knows how happy you make me. She is quite eager to meet you actually.”

“That is a mutual feeling. I get why she doesn’t really use her computer, but at least with the rest of your family I’d seen their faces.”

“You’ll love her, and I absolutely trust that she will love you as well. So…deep breath, because we are here.” Helena turned their steps to a gate fitted into a low, slightly battered brick wall. Nothing of the house could be seen until you went through the gate, everything blocked sufficiently by a large hedgerow. Helena opened the gate and stepped back to let Myka walk through first, and the second she did, Myka was in love. It was like walking into another century. The noise of the road seemed to disappear, leaving them ensconced in a quaint, immaculately tended front garden. She heard Helena inhale deeply, and she turned to watch a blissful look wash over her face, eyes closed, completely content. 

Helena opened her eyes to catch Myka staring. She smiled, “This…more than anything feels like home.”

“Helena!” A lilting, though powerful voice echoed around the garden. “The flowers will remain where they are all afternoon, you can admire them later. No need to leave that lovely woman or _this_ lovely woman standing around waiting.”

Myka turned and received her first image of Helena’s grandmother. A tall, graceful beauty of a woman, who showed little of her eighty years, with the exception of the cane she grasped lightly in her hand, which as Myka glanced at her posture, didn’t seem entirely necessary. Despite the apparent demand for Helena to approach, there was a bright smile on her face, a kind of joy seeming to emanate from her. 

Myka squeezed Helena’s hand, “I like her already.”

Helena smirked, tugging on Myka’s hand to urge their steps up the walk. She stepped lightly onto the landing and was quickly enfolded in her grandmother’s arms. Myka hung back, but could still hear Helena’s voice, coming out thick, laced with emotion, “Oh Lottie I have missed you.”

They pulled back from each other, a hand coming up to palm Helena’s cheek, “And I you my darling girl.” There was a silent beat, a pause where the two women simply stood soaking in the presence of the other, before Helena’s grandmother shook herself out of the moment, waving her hands, as she turned to Myka with a teasing smile, “I yell at her for keeping you waiting and then I stand here like an old fool just staring at her. You’ll think my manners quite rude.” She reached out and grasped one of Myka’s hands, “And you, dear girl, must be the Myka I have heard so very much about.”

Myka couldn’t help the smile that broke over her face, “It is an absolute pleasure to meet you Ms. Wells.”

Lottie eyes widened at the same time Helena choked on a kind of chuckle. She leveled Helena with a small look before returning her gaze to Myka, “That’s the last time I want to hear _that_. Please call me Lottie, and _please_ ignore my granddaughter, which since you live with her, I’m sure you know is usually fairly sound advice.”

Instantly, with that little tease, with the warmth of Lottie’s voice, Myka felt entirely at ease. She leaned in to whisper in a conspiratorial manner, “You’re quite right, but she’d probably be mad at me if I ignored her.”

“And we _can’t_ have that,” Lottie winked.

“Certainly not!” Helena interjected.

Lottie rolled her eyes playfully and Myka learned then and there where Helena got _that_ particular gesture. Lottie stepped back from the door and ushered them in, pulling Helena towards her as she passed and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Myka heard her whisper, “I tease darling girl.” 

They stepped into a brightly lit, immaculately decorated hallway, but Lottie’s steps were overpowering them quickly, waving them forward, “Come, come, tea is in the conservatory.”

Myka wasn’t sure she had ever felt so instantly at home. There was none of the underlying tension that had been present at Helena’s parents, there was no uneasiness. Helena seemed more than content, she seemed _at peace_ , and as she and Myka settled onto a loveseat together beneath a ceiling of windows letting in the sunlight that was forcing its way through the clouds, as Helena wrapped a light hand around her knee, as Lottie gave them an endearing smile, Myka was certain that she too was at peace here, that she was, in some way, _home_ here.

“So,” Lottie said, “I have to say, it is quite lovely to _finally_ meet the subject of so many of Helena’s letters.”

Myka grinned, “I’m not sure I have proper words for how wonderful it is to be here, to meet you as well. To finally meet the source of the handwriting that puts even Helena’s to shame.”

Lottie chuckled, “Take a lesson there Helena, dear. Notice she didn’t immediately try to convince me to use _e-mail_.”

Helena smirked, “No, she is far too polite to say that to your face, Lottie.”

Myka’s jaw dropped, half-whispering, “Traitor.”

Lottie’s laughter was bright, “Oh I know, I’m a dinosaur, but I just rather enjoy the intentionality of sitting down to write someone a letter. It’s purposeful.” She lifted an eyebrow towards Helena, before returning her gaze to Myka, “She’s probably failed to tell you that even when she was at university, a few mere miles away, she still asked me to write, she loved my letters so.”

Myka gave Helena a teasing look, “There’s a piece of information you failed to share.”

Helena shrugged, sipping at her tea as though she didn’t have a care in the world, “It didn’t seem a vital detail at the time.”

Lottie’s glance at Helena was adoring, “We tease because we love, darling.” She gave Myka a tiny grin, another subtle wink, “Now, before we chase away my granddaughter with said teasing, I want to hear about what you have thought of your time in our fair country, Myka.”

The minutes, _the hours_ melted away in a haze of questions and conversation, in teasing and more stories about Helena as a child than Myka had ever heard before. Lottie seemed to want nothing more than to share those memories with Myka, and Myka listened with a grateful heart. Lottie also seemed to want nothing more than to know nothing short of _everything_ about Myka and Helena’s life, asking about the house, the store, the tour, even going so far as to ask about things she already knew, wanting to hear _from them_ about when and how they met, about all the little and big things that had happened in the last two years. 

Eventually, long after the tea had disappeared, as the first hints of twilight started to creep through the sky, Lottie commented to Helena, “Helena, will you go in the kitchen and pop the pan that is on the counter in the oven? I, for one, am ready for dinner, as I’m sure you both are.” As Helena moved out the door, a hand wrapped around her wrist, “Also, there is a box of things in your old room with some things I’d like you to look through, if you’d like to do that before dinner.”

Helena smiled and leaned down to leave a kiss to Lottie’s cheek. She left the room giving Myka a loving smile, flicking a finger between the two sitting women, “Try not to tease me too much while I am gone.”

They both watched Helena leave the room, and then Lottie turned to Myka, letting out an amused sigh, “She’s a dear girl, my Helena.”

Myka knew her smile absolutely reflected her agreement on that count, but felt the need to voice it as well, “She’s wonderful. She’s…” Myka almost grimaced that she had started the next sentence, because did she really need to say _this_ in front of Helena’s grandmother? However, she had said the word and needed to finish the thought, “she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Myka almost blushed under the genuine light of Lottie’s smile, “A sentiment I believe my granddaughter also feels about you, Myka.”

Myka didn’t know where this urge to honesty was coming from, but she couldn’t help herself, “I can only hope so. I certainly haven’t made it easy for her…at least not in the beginning.”

Lottie gave a knowing nod, “So she has told me. I think _you know_ she’s told me.” Lottie’s gaze drifted out to the backyard, her voice coming as if from another place, “Helena’s life has not always been filled with happiness. Even as a teenager…sometimes I feared that she actually railed against happiness. Her stubbornness, which I fear she inherited from me, sometimes put her in unnecessary difficulties. I have watched that dear girl endure, thrive in, rise above so many things, Myka, and I can honestly say, that never, in all those years, have I witnessed her as happy as she has been since you came into her life. You brought out a light in her that I had long since feared had been extinguished.”

“There isn’t a day that goes by in which I am not grateful to get to witness that light.”

Lottie’s eyes squinted just a touch, eyeing Myka carefully, “She will not appreciate me asking this, however…I think you know how very protective I am of Helena, how dear she is to me, and so, Myka, I have to ask. What exactly is your intention with my granddaughter? I know you’ve been together for long enough to make that question seem frivolous, but I have seen her hurt far too many times, and I never want to witness that again.”

Myka wasn’t annoyed by the question, she didn’t feel nervous at the prospect of answering it. She felt _sure_ , and a little amused at just what Helena _would_ think of this particular question. She gave Lottie a smirk, “I will tell her you asked.”

Lottie grinned, “I guarantee she already knows I have…”

“That’s probably true.” Myka paused briefly, not that she was uncertain about her answer, but because she wanted to make sure that she said _exactly_ what she wanted to say, “I want nothing more than to love Helena for as long as possible, to make her as happy as possible for as long as we have each other. If you want specifics, I want to marry her, I want a family with her. I want nothing short of a ridiculously happy and long life with her by my side.”

Lottie’s eyes never left Myka’s as she spoke her next words, “I lost Helena’s grandfather far earlier than I ever imagined I would. He was the love of my life, and even though we didn’t get nearly as much time as I would have wanted, I consider myself a lucky woman to have gotten the time with him that I had. You two are _so very lucky_ to have each other. Never forget that.”

Myka swallowed tightly, willing herself to not cry, to not lose her composure in front of this wonder of a woman, “I won’t. I promise, I won’t.”

**

“She likes you. I’m fairly certain she _adores_ you.”

Myka couldn’t stop herself from grinning as wide as possible, “I like her. How could I not? _She’s you_. Or rather, _you’re her_. I was destined to love her no matter what.”

Helena chuckled, “Yes, well, I believe I am most definitely the proverbial apple that did not fall far from her tree. It probably helped that I spent the majority of my summers with her. She had the undue advantage of being in the prime position to exert influence.”

“All that sarcasm and sass coming from both of you…I was tempted to call her Swagger 2.0.”

“That most likely would have lost you some points, darling.”

“Hence why I refrained from saying it out loud, but in my head, trust me, she is Swagger 2.0.”

Helena’s brow furrowed in concentration, “Since she is older, since I learned everything _from her_ , wouldn’t that make _me_ Swagger 2.0?”

Myka shrugged, “ _Minor details_. To me, you will always be the original Swagger.”

“A distinction I treasure, love.”

Myka’s teeth chased over the corner of her lip, suddenly caught up in how beautiful Helena looked, moonlight chasing over her skin where they were both leaning over the balcony of their hotel room, watching the slow, easy movement of the city below them. She took a casual sip of her wine, “She asked me what my intentions with you were.”

Helena chuckled incredulously, “I knew she would…”

“She knew that you knew she would.”

Helena arched an eyebrow Myka’s way, “Care to tell me your answer?”

“I told her nothing more, nothing less than the fact that I wanted to love you for as many days and years that we’ve got.”

“And did that answer satisfy her?”

“I said a bit more than that, but I believe for now, that shall remain between me and Lottie. Suffice it to say, she seemed quite pleased with my answer.”

Helena sat her wine glass down on the table behind her, moving to stand behind Myka, placing light hands on her hips, encouraging her to turn around. Helena removed Myka’s glass from her hand and settled it next to her own. She smiled softly, “All our days and years?”

“Every single second of them, Swagger.”

Helena’s thumbs nudged against Myka’s shirt to rub against the skin of her hips, “I love you.”

Myka leaned forward, brushing the lightest of kisses to Helena’s lips, “I love you too.”

Helena reached up a hand to cup against Myka’s jaw, drawing her back in, her thumb tracing against Myka’s cheek. She paused like that for a few seconds, taking in the way Myka’s lips were slightly parted, feeling the soft breath coming out of them, the way her eyes were already closed in anticipation. She closed the scant distance between them, amazed that somehow she still felt a thrill chase down her spine every time their lips met. Days and years she thought, she would absolutely take every single one of them. 

**

They had one last place to go, one final piece of England that Helena insisted that Myka see, so while she regretted having to leave Lottie’s early, she knew they needed this one last day, this one last trip to make the entire vacation complete. 

Well over three hours later, they stood in front of a red brick building with its red neon lights flashing in the rain that had descended upon them the second they got off the train, and Helena realized then and there, as she took in the look of awe and wonder on Myka’s face, that saving this for last was the right choice.

Myka’s voice betrayed every hint of emotion that was apparently coursing through her body, “I can’t believe we’re going in there.”

“For the last two weeks you have been walking in the footsteps of history, love, you have to add this to the list.”

“I know, I know, but it just feels so overwhelming. I mean it’s _their_ footsteps and that seems…huge.”

“Monumental.”

“Gigantic.”

“Overpowering.”

“ _Overwhelming_ ,” Myka sighed out.

Helena squeezed her hand, “Well let’s not leave those footsteps waiting any longer.”

Myka almost chided herself for tearing up when they walked in, but she couldn’t help herself, she was too overcome with the _weight_ of the room, the recognition of what happened on the stage right in front of her. Helena leaned into her, her voice low, despite there being no need for it, yet it didn’t feel right to break the quiet, “Can you imagine what it must have been like, seeing them? In the beginning?”

“No…I really can’t, though I feel like I can picture them there. Is that silly?”

“Not at all my love. It’s The Cavern Club, it’s the home of The Beatles, how can you do anything _but_ picture them here?”

Myka smirked, “Hugo is going to be so jealous.”

“Well, you shall have to tell him all about it when we get home.”

They wandered the room in slow, measured movements, each of them taking in the space, the history, the feeling of it. Neither of them spoke much, until Myka turned to Helena with a contemplative smile as they stood in front of the stage, “Ya know…I’ve thought about how someday I hope that people look at the stage at The Warehouse like this. How they might stand there and think, ‘wow, they got their start here. _This_ is where Seeking Endless Wonder _became_ Seeking Endless Wonder.”

Helena felt a blush rise in her cheeks, “We are _hardly_ The Beatles, darling.”

“Maybe not, but still…somewhere out there are kids, teenagers who have been moved by your music in the same way, who hear your words and think, ‘God, finally someone who gets it. Who gets _me_.’ You might not be The Beatles, but to some kid out there you might as well be.”

Helena swallowed thickly, she could only _hope_ that someday they made that kind of difference to someone, “Maybe someday…”

Myka placed a kiss against her cheek, “Definitely someday, Swagger.”

**

They returned to Colorado in late September to such a sense of utter normalcy that neither of them quite knew what to do with it at first. Myka returned to the studio, immediately back and determined to finish Zach’s album with the same vigor they had put in to the beginning of it. She resumed scouting shows for the label, enjoying that Helena was home once again to be able and tag along to some of them whenever her schedule allowed. Wednesday nights at The Regents became nights for both of them, though Myka teased that Helena came with her only to attempt to distract her from work as much as possible. Despite the distraction though, Myka loved having her there, giving another perspective on the music, on what she thought might be beneficial to the label, who had the most potential. The store remained as solid as ever, unwavering in its consistency, whether Myka was there or not, deftly managed under Leena’s calm and sure hand.   
Helena was able to enjoy a few more days at home, soaking in the little things she was still getting used to having again, but eventually, the phone calls began, the meetings. The band started on plans with Fargo to get their next album under way. She and Claudia resumed their writing sessions, not because they _needed_ more material necessarily, but mostly because they wanted to sink back into that rhythm, to keep themselves fresh. 

Their _life_ was back to feeling like _their life_ , not lived on opposite ends of the country, not connected by phone calls and Skype, but just by actually _being there_. They hiked, they ran, they made dinner, they sat in front of the fire, they read, they wrote letters to Lottie, who now insisted that Myka contribute to Helena’s letters, they caught almost daily updates from Ethan about his new life in kindergarten, they had lunch with Jeannie every Thursday. Everything settled back into the blissful, chaotic sense of normalcy that they had come to expect from their life, and neither of them could possibly imagine being happier. 

**

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, October 13, 2012_

“I realize I’m going to sound like I’m begging, but you’re _sure_ you’re going to stay home…”

Helena looked up at Myka from where she was stretched out on the couch, she pushed a hand through her hair and gave Myka an apologetic look, “I am just _so tired_ , love. I didn’t really expect being back in the studio to take so much out of me, but I’m exhausted.”

Myka settled herself next to Helena’s hip on the couch, running a hand up and down her thigh, “I feel like I’m abandoning you on our anniversary.”

Helena smiled softly, “You aren’t, my love. We’re celebrating over the weekend.”

“I could just call Vanessa and tell her I’m skipping out tonight, she wouldn’t mind.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “You’re stubborn tonight. Will you _please_ hear me when I say it’s ok…you need to go and I’m most likely going to fall asleep the second you leave, that way I will be wide awake when you get home, and we can still… _celebrate_.”

Myka arched an eyebrow, despite the blush pinking her cheeks, “ _That_ …Helena Wells was mildly… _inappropriate_.”

“Would you expect anything less from me darling?”

Myka shook her head, “No, I suppose not. Ok,” she leaned over Helena and kissed her, “I need to get going. You _promise_ you’re good here?”

“I’m good, love.”

“I won’t be home late.”

“You’ll be home when you are home, now _go_.”

Myka stood but stooped quickly to steal one more kiss from Helena, “I love you.”

“I love you too. Tell Vanessa I said hello.”

**

Myka couldn’t tell if the first set of the night was _actually_ slow, or if it just felt that way because she kept checking her phone, checking the time, watching the minutes trickle by at a snail’s pace. She took a slow drink of her beer, only another hour or so and she could go home.

As though sensing her boredom, her need for distraction, Vanessa approached Myka at the end of the first set. She nudged her shoulder, “Come on, you can help me in the back, save everyone you’re fidgeting. It’s distracting.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “No one is paying one bit of attention to my fidgeting.”

“I am, and it’s distracting, so come on. I have some things in the office I could use your thoughts on anyway. We’ve got a few minutes, get up and stretch those legs of yours.”

Myka stood with a sigh, shoving her phone into her pocket and following Vanessa towards the back. She hopped onto Vanessa’s desk when she entered, despite the warning look from Vanessa who settled into her chair. She handed Myka a piece of paper, “Next week is all people we’ve invited back for another listen. Look at that list, tell me if I’m missing anyone or if I put anyone on there that shouldn’t be.”

Myka scanned the list, recognizing most of the names. They chatted idly back and forth, adjusting the order a bit, though Myka wholly agreed with Vanessa’s choice of invitees. She handed the list back to Vanessa, “Probably a good night to get Jack and Rebecca here. Let them get a listen to some of these guys.”

“A very good idea. Artie is coming…”

Myka’s eyebrows knit together, “I thought he was out of that side of things…”

“Oh he still very much is, but Irene felt he could come along, give some input. I think it’s a bit of an olive branch, which he is taking, albeit begrudgingly.”

“That transition was never going to be easy or quick.”

Vanessa sighed, “No, but I think it’s made him realize he made some _questionable_ decisions over the years. Plus…he’s happy with what he’s doing now. Awhile ago he had been talking about retiring, but now, well, this position has reinvigorated him. It’s nice to see.”

“I’m sure. It’s good he’s happy, that it’s working out.” Myka toyed with several of the items on Vanessa’s desk, willing herself not to look at her phone. 

Just as Myka was on the brink of losing that battle, a swell of shouts came from the front of the bar. She looked at Vanessa questioningly, but Vanessa just smiled and patted her knee, “I believe that’s our cue.”

Myka’s eyes widened, “ _Our cue_? What the hell is going on?”

Vanessa chuckled and cupped a hand around Myka’s elbow dragging her out of the office, “You’ll see in a moment.”

What Myka saw made her jaw drop. There on the stage, fully set up, appearing to be fully ready to play, was the band, with Helena looking distinctly _not tired_ , but instead quite proud of herself as she caught Myka’s eye and shot her a playful wink.

Vanessa pressed her hands against Myka’s shoulders, encouraging her to resume her seat at her table. She leaned down and whispered, “Surprise, dearest. Happy Anniversary.”

Myka had no words, no thoughts, she simply sat there in sheer _amazement_. She shook her head, Helena was good. There was no doubt about that.

Helena adjusted her mic and gave the crowd a wide smile as their applause and their shouting died down. She let out a breathy laugh, “Well, good evening Regents Café. How is everyone tonight?” That caused another round of shouts and applause that required several minutes to quiet. Helena smirked, “Well, that makes two of us, because tonight just happens to be quite a special evening for myself. For myself and a lovely member of this audience that is.” 

Myka blushed as she felt all eyes turn to her. She rolled her eyes and gave them all a small wave, shaking her head at Helena with a smile.

Helena chuckled, “As many of you know, I used to work here at this lovely establishment. I spent many a Wednesday evening bringing a certain, gorgeous woman drinks. Because of that, I felt it was only appropriate to celebrate this particular night in this particular place, with said gorgeous woman. Two years ago today, I walked into a record store and it changed my life in more ways than I can describe. When I walked into that store, I learned a very vital piece of information about the woman I would fall in love with. It was actually the _first thing_ I truly learned about her, and it was the fact that she absolutely adores Tom Petty. So, my darling Myka, this is for you. Happy Anniversary.”

Myka was certain she was no longer breathing. She was also certain she was blushing deeper than she ever had in her life, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. How could she care when Pete was pointing one of his drumsticks at her with a wink before bringing them down to tap out a rhythm against his high hat while Claudia tore into the opening chords of “You Wreck Me?” How could she care when Helena was looking at her like _that_ , like she was the only person in the room? How could she care when Helena’s voice was singing _Tom Petty_ , to _her?_

_“Tonight we ride…right or wrong…tonight we sail…on a radio song…rescue me…should I go down…if I stay too long…in trouble town…”_

It was as though she was hearing the words for the first time, and for a second, Myka worried that she was about to be so overcome by the emotion of the moment that she wasn’t going to be able to fully appreciate it. In so many ways…in so many innumerable ways, Helena had rescued her, rescued her from a life that while not necessarily unhappy, was certainly not as bright, not as full, not as peaceful as it was with Helena by her side. 

_“You wreck me baby…yeah you break me two…but you move me honey…yes you do…”_

There was something almost unreal in seeing the band like this, in this place. In this place that was so much smaller than anywhere they had played in well over a year. It was true that there was an inexpressible joy to them when they played, but this was something different. Myka figured no one else would probably notice it, but she could tell. It was easy, there was no pressure. This wasn’t a _gig_ , this wasn’t an _appearance_ , this was just like all those nights so long ago when they would play into the wee hours at The Warehouse just because they _could_ , because they wanted to, because it was _fun_.

Helena’s piercing gaze pulled her from her thoughts, her voice echoing around the intimacy of the room.

_“Now and again…I get the feeling…well if I don’t win…I’m a-gonna break even…rescue me…should I go wrong…if I dig too deep…if I stay too long…”_

There was no question. Myka was once again falling harder by the second, and somehow falling even more for Tom Petty which she _really_ wasn’t sure was possible. It was the simple fact that now, this moment, would never be out of her mind. From now on, Myka’s _giddiness inducing_ Tom Petty would _always_ be associated with Helena, who was nothing if not the cause of Myka feeling perpetually giddy.

She couldn’t help the laughter that left her as Pete beat mercilessly on his snare as Claudia playfully jumped into the middle of the stage for the guitar solo. Her fingers moved without effort, she’d played this song so many times Myka was sure she could do it in her sleep, and each time she sounded flawless, tonight being no exception.

Helena was smirking as she started singing again, bumping Claudia with her hip playfully in order to reach her microphone stand. Helena’s voice sank a bit lower, matching the quiet of the music as they hit the bridge.

_“I’ll be the boy in the corduroy pants…you’ll be the girl at the high school dance…run with me…wherever I go…”_  
There was a certain tremor in Helena’s voice, a certain heat in her look as she gazed at Myka, an unspoken dare passing between them, Helena challenging her, beckoning her to go wherever Helena might lead, wherever their life might lead from here on out, and Myka had never been more certain that she would follow. 

The music swelled again in a final chorus and Myka sighed, wishing that it wasn’t almost over.

_“You wreck me baby…yeah you break me in two…but you move me honey…yes you do…”_

The memory crashed over Myka in an instant. The moment two years ago when her eyes had met Helena’s, that first sidelong glance as that line had echoed through the store, _“You move me honey…yes you do.”_ Myka couldn’t help but laugh…little had she known in that moment how prophetic that would end up being. Little did she know that in that one moment, in that one look, Helena had, in fact, completely and totally wrecked her, in the absolute best way possible.

**

It took a good five minutes for the band to fully be able to maneuver off the stage. There had been a shift in the room, the crowd clearly wanting them to stay, to play more, but they resisted. Helena allowed Vanessa to take the mic in order to get the crowd back under control as the band disassembled their instruments as quickly as possible. 

Eventually, they all emerged from backstage, gathering around Myka’s table. Pete planted a sloppy kiss to her cheek, “Surprised, Mykes?”

Myka grinned, “I’m not sure surprised covers it. You guys were wonderful.”

Claudia smirked, though her eyes were roaming around the café where people were still avidly hanging on their every move, “Yeah...so wonderful that I think we might have stolen the thunder from the rest of the set.”

Steve sighed, “We should probably clear out, otherwise we’re just going to be a distraction.”

The three of them gave Helena and Myka quick hugs goodbye and then snuck out through the back entrance in Vanessa’s office. Helena though, despite the still apparent attention of the audience, settled into a chair next to Myka with a satisfied grin. Myka shook her head, “You’re quite proud of yourself aren’t you?”

Helena gave her a cocky smirk, “I believe I have every right to be.”

“And here I thought you were _so tired_.”

Helena shrugged, “A necessary bit of subterfuge.”

“How long have you had this planned?”

“Long enough…”

“Well that’s completely clear and not vague at all.”

Helena pressed a kiss to Myka’s ear, “Allow me some mystery.”

Myka rolled her eyes and slipped an arm around Helena’s shoulders, sighing with a smile, “You and your mystery…”

They stayed for the rest of the set, but Myka’s attention never fully returned to the stage. Helena’s presence was drawing most of her focus, which she felt slightly guilty for, but she was still able to take enough notes to know which performers to ask Vanessa to give another try so she could hear them again, when she wasn’t quite as _distracted_.

They left almost immediately after the final singer finished. Vanessa gave them a knowing smile as they walked by her where she was manning the register, “No argument about who’s taking you home tonight, H.G.?”

Helena smirked, looping an arm through Myka’s, “No…tonight I feel rather certain in whom that might be.”

“Only took you two years to figure it out, not bad Swagger,” Myka teased.

Vanessa gave them an adoring look, “Good night ladies. _Happy Anniversary_.”

**

They stepped out into the slight chill of the October night, both taking in a deep breath as they did, appreciative of the cold after the heat from the crowded café. Helena nudged Myka’s shoulder, “What would you say to a cup of coffee?”

“As long as you’re not too _tired_ …”

Helena groaned, tugging on Myka’s arm, “Come on sassy. I’m in the mood for The Sidecar.”

Myka grinned, “Sounds good to me.” She took in another deep breath, “Plus, it is a beautiful night, it would seem a shame to waste it.”

They had been walking for a few minutes when Helena drew out her phone and a pair of headphones casually, “I meant to ask you earlier if you’d like to hear a bit of what we recorded today?”

Myka’s eyes brightened, “Absolutely.” She tucked one of the proffered ear buds into her ear with a smirk, “One of the first to hear new material…lucky me.”

Helena simply grinned and pressed several buttons on her phone, just barely catching an echo of the music once it started playing in Myka’s ears.   
The effect was instantaneous, which Helena had been expecting. Myka’s eyes went wide, her jaw just a bit ajar. When she spoke, her voice fluctuated between loud and immediately soft, trying to compensate for the music only she could hear, “You finished it already?”

Helena just gave her a soft smile and nodded her head. She didn’t want Myka to miss a second of the song. They’d written it over the summer, a fast paced exchange over email after Myka’s visit to St. Louis. It had started as a joke, Myka teasing Helena that she somehow ended up being the exception to every rule Myka had ever had, but then it had evolved into something larger, something deeper, and before either of them knew it, they had a song, arguably the most emotional song they’d written together. Helena had been hesitant at first to show it to the band, but with a little encouragement from Myka, she had, and watching as Myka heard it for the first time, Helena was glad she’d done it.

It started with the rare sound of Claudia on an acoustic guitar. The rhythms were stripped down, with very little extra instrumentation, it was just Claudia and Helena’s voice, which held a different timbre than usual, it was a little bit higher, a little bit softer.

_“When I was younger I saw…my daddy cry and curse at the wind…he broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it…and my momma swore that she would never let herself forget…and that was the day that I promised I’d never sing of love…if it does not exist…but darlin’ you are the only exception…you are the only exception…”_

That verse had been Helena’s. When they’d started writing, when they’d started talking about what it was that made them both realize that their relationship felt as though it was the exception to the rule, it had led to Helena opening up more than she ever had before about her parents’ relationship. The strain, the stress, the fighting she had witnessed, mostly because her father had a tendency towards unhappiness, particularly at work, which led to difficulty in every other part of his life. She talked about how when she was younger she wondered if love was worth it if this was what it led to, if this was what it looked like. She had said it was why her first relationships always ended in such catastrophe because she had never truly believed they could be anything other than that. Myka…Myka had been the one to prove her wrong on that front.

Myka had to focus on keeping her eyes open, on keeping her feet walking, because all she really wanted to do was stop and _listen._

_“Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts…and we’ve got to find other ways…to make it alone but keep a straight face…and I’ve always lived like this…keeping a comfortable distance…and up until now I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness…because none of it was ever worth the risk…but you are the only exception…you are the only exception…”_

Myka sighed softly because that was all her. When she had emailed it to Helena she had sent it with the disclaimer that she was certain it was the most honest she’d ever been about her life after Sam, about the impact all of it had had on her heart, on her life. She had told her how she had never felt comfortable when she’d tried to write about it before, but now, with Helena, she found she could, because Helena had shown her that every thought she had had after Sam, after Abigail, was wildly inaccurate.

It was only after the verses that Pete and Steve’s instruments joined in the music, filling it out, driving it forward. The volume increased, the pace heightened, and Helena’s voice stretched into something a bit tighter, like she was having to fight to keep her emotion restrained.

_“I’ve got a tight grip on reality but I can’t…let go of what’s in front of me here…I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up…leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream…”_

That part had been easy to write, a simple back and forth between them, an almost perfect iteration of the conversation they’d had the night before Myka left St. Louis. 

The music eventually disappeared on a quiet, echoing fade of Helena’s voice whispering out, _“You are the only exception…”_

As Helena strained to hear the music fading out in Myka’s ears, she sought to time her steps correctly. She thought she heard the final few chords and as they finished, she brought their footsteps to a halt. 

Myka tugged the ear buds out, her eyes watery, though her smile was wide, “It’s perfect. It is absolutely perfect. It’s exactly how I imagined it…”

Helena grinned, “I rather thought so as well.” She shifted her feet hesitantly, trying to gauge, trying to measure if she was in the right spot.

Myka gave her a confused look, “You alright there Swagger?”

Helena’s lips quirked in consideration and she reached her hands out to cup around Myka’s shoulders, shifting them a few steps to the right, “I am now, because,” she looked down at the ground again, with a definitive nod, “yes, it was right here.”

Myka looked at her, still confused, until she gave herself a second to look around, to take in their surroundings and then it dawned on her. She looked up at Helena with wide, _wondering_ eyes. They were standing in the exact spot where they had first kissed.

Helena saw, for the briefest of seconds, the look on Myka’s face, before she had to close her eyes and gave herself a moment. One moment to take in a deep breath, before she reopened them and once again let her gaze meet Myka’s. She gave her a small smile, she could already tell that Myka _knew_ , but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to still say every damn thing she had planned to say. She shifted slightly, reaching a hand out to grip one of Myka’s, “Two years ago, you set my life on a course I never could have imagined. _You are_ the biggest exception to every single thing I ever imagined about love, and for the longest time I had no idea how to even comprehend that. Your strength, your hope, that incredible mind of yours, everything about you never ceases to knock me completely off-kilter. You somehow make me and all of my _swagger_ wonder every single day how I got so lucky as to love and be loved by someone like you. This life we’ve built, with all of its chaos and its complication and all of its amazingly, sweet simplicity, is something I never thought I would have, but now that I do, I don’t know how I could ever live without it.” She paused to slow her breath, to give herself a beat, to swallow down the tears that were rising, because she _needed_ to get through this next part. She shifted her free hand into her pocket, watching as Myka’s eyes sparkled with wonder, joy, and maybe just a hint of nervousness. She didn’t blame her because she wasn’t sure she’d ever felt this nervous in her life either. She cleared her throat quietly and continued, “I told you a long time ago that you could keep my sweatshirt with the caveat that you could owe me.” That drew a small chuckle from Myka, which was enough to ease all of Helena’s nerves and allow her to just _say it_. She released Myka’s hand so that she open the box in her hand while she knelt down, “I’m hoping that tonight you’ll let me cash that in right now, by saying that you’ll wear this ring, that you, Myka Bering, will marry me…”

Myka knew she had tears streaming down her face but she didn’t care. She let out some strangled, watery mixture of a gasp and a laugh, before tugging Helena up by the wrists and kissing her with every ounce of passion in her body. Their lips bumped together awkwardly as they both were too busy doing some combination of smiling and laughing, but neither of them cared, because it was perfect. Eventually, Myka pulled back with a crooked smile, “That’s a yes, by the way.”

Helena chuckled around a groan, “Even when I’m proposing you’re being insufferable…”

“Always.”

Helena’s hands curled into Myka’s hair, pulling her forward and kissing her again. She rocked back on her heels quickly after, extracting the ring from the box and drawing Myka’s hand up, slipping the ring onto her finger effortlessly. Myka’s sigh was breathless, “It’s beautiful…”

“It was Lottie’s.”

Myka looked up, eyes wide with shock, “What?”

Helena grinned with a nod, “Do you remember when we visited her how she told me there were some things in my old room to look through?” Myka nodded in acknowledgement. “This was what she was referring to. I had told her before we came to visit that I was intending to ask you to marry me, and she told me that if I wanted it, she’d love for me to have her ring. I remembered it quite vividly from my childhood and I realized that it was absolutely perfect for you.”

Myka looked down at the ring on her finger, an intricate setting of white gold with diamonds inlaid in the band, leading up to a modest, square cut diamond in the center. It was the perfect blend of modern and vintage. She wiggled her finger, letting the streetlights catch in the stones, “You were right…it is perfect. I can’t believe this was hers…” Realization dawned quickly in Myka’s mind and her jaw dropped, “I can’t believe she asked me _my intentions_ when she knew you were proposing!”

Helena’s laughter was bright, “I think she was simply making sure that I was about to make a fool of myself.”  
“Never, Swagger. Never in a million years was the answer to that question going to be anything other than yes.”

Helena shrugged shyly, “You never know…”

Myka caught her off-guard with a fierce kiss, “Always yes, _always_. I love you.”

Helena’s eyes shone with her own tears, “I love you too, my darling, darling Myka.” She linked their hands back together, feeling the newness, the strangeness of a ring on Myka’s finger, causing a swell of overwhelming happiness to careen through her body. She squeezed their hands, giving Myka a smirk, “Do you still want coffee?”

Myka grinned, pressing a kiss to Helena’s cheek, “Why not? We’re almost there anyway, even though I’m pretty sure…right at this very moment…I already have everything I could have ever possibly wanted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never intended to include this song as part of the initial set of chapters. It was always going to be a later addition once the whole was finished, but I couldn't resist. I somehow could not include it with the whole story because it is just too, too much them. That's the last Paramore song of the story...the last song...well...you shall see :-)


	24. Bonus Track: Something About the Way You Look Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We jump a little bit forward in time to find Myka and Helena on the brink of several very important moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so here we are....
> 
> The format for this chapter is a little bit different towards the end by virtue of a few things that happen. 
> 
> Song here is the one and only Elton John, which I think Helena would deeply appreciate and approve of.

_Myka and Helena’s, Colorado Springs, October 12, 2013_

“This may possibly go down as the single most insane thing that we have ever done,” Helena’s voice called out from the kitchen, where she had been busily preparing snacks and tea for what Myka felt was far longer than necessary.

Myka chuckled, prodding back a curtain with her fingertip to make sure that they hadn’t missed their guest’s arrival. As she stared out at their empty driveway, she called back to Helena, “I wouldn’t call it _insane_ …necessarily.”

“Ill-timed, possibly?”

Myka shot Helena a quick grin as she walked into the living room carrying a tray laden down with mugs, “What else are people supposed to do the day before they get married? Is this not on the list of things to do?”

Helena smirked, setting the tray down and coming up behind Myka, wrapping her arms around her waist. She placed a kiss behind Myka’s ear, “Yes, I believe ‘doing one’s first proper interview as a couple’ comes quickly behind checking on the flowers and making sure the rehearsal is ready to go.”

Myka shrugged playfully, “So then we’re right on schedule. I called the florist this morning, and Pete texted me awhile ago saying that he and Amanda had the rehearsal ready to go.”

Helena rested her chin against Myka’s shoulder, “It just feels odd, I guess.”

Myka turned, leaning back against the wall and trying to discern the look on Helena’s face, if there was hesitation there, uncertainty. She ran her hands up and down Helena’s arms, “We don’t have to do this…”

“Of that, I am well aware, however, we both _want_ to do this.” Helena gave Myka a questioning look, “We both _do_ still want this, right?”

Myka smiled softly, leaning down to place a quick kiss to Helena’s lips, “Yes…I think it’s time. As long as _you’re_ still good, I’m ready to go.”

Helena felt all of her muscles unclench and relax at the shining openness, the _certainty_ in Myka’s gaze, “I’m good. You’re right, it’s time. I know it’s not something we _have_ to do, but I want to, it just feels like…I don’t know…we’re getting _married_ , and we’ve spent so much time being quiet about everything. I’m not sure I feel like being quiet anymore…”

“And it’s on our terms. It’s not like someone is dictating to us how this has to go. It was our idea…our plan…aside from deciding that this was the best day to do it…which I have _no idea_ what we were thinking there, I’m kind of excited.”  
Helena smirked, her mind easily filtering back to the Myka she had first met, the one who was so hesitant, _shy_ almost, certainly reserved and very clear about her boundaries. If someone would have told her three years ago that she’d be standing in a house that they owned together, on the verge of getting married, ready to sit down with an interviewer, Helena would have told them they were absolutely bonkers, “I never thought I would see the day when Myka Bering was _excited_ about a magazine interview.”

Myka laughed softly, “I know…but things change…life changes…I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I realized this was a step I wanted to take…with you.”

Helena eased into Myka’s arms, resting her head against Myka’s shoulder, “The joy of our rock star lifestyle…”

Helena felt laughter rumble through Myka’s chest, felt her lips press against her forehead, “ _You_ are the one with the rock star status, Swagger. I’m just along for the ride…”

Helena pulled back, leveling Myka with a look that was half-incredulous, half-amused, before looking over her shoulder at the mantle, “Do I need to comment on those things up there that say otherwise, darling?”

At that moment there was the distinct sound of tires crunching over the driveway. Myka peeked back out the window to see a green SUV pulling in. She shot Helena a teasing grin, “Saved by the reporter, lucky me.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “One day, I will convince you that modesty is not _always_ a virtue.”

Myka moved to open the door, pausing with her hand on the knob to pull Helena towards her by the wrist, giving her a swift kiss, “And I will never cease reminding you that _you_ are the one with all the swagger in this family and that you can leave me to my modesty.”

“Insufferable…”

Myka grinned, “Don’t I know it. Still want to marry me?”

Helena tilted her head in mock consideration, “Probably…most likely…we’ll see how I feel after the interview.”

Myka chuckled softly, shaking her head, “God do I love you.”

Helena gave a valiant attempt at not letting it be completely obvious that she was veritably _melting_ at that sentiment, at the look in Myka’s eye, at the tone of her voice, but she knew no matter how hard she tried she was failing. She leaned up, kissing Myka’s cheek, “And I you, my love. Now…we should probably open the door…”

Myka shrugged, “Probably.” 

Myka pulled open the door bringing them both face to face with Andy Lasseter, blonde hair playfully askew, messenger bag slung over his shoulder, exuberant look on his face. Myka stepped back to let him into the house, “You’re early…that never happens.”

Andy gave them both a playful smile, “I didn’t want to run the risk of you bailing on me.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Don’t make me question this decision, Andy.”

He tucked a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “As if you’d kick me out of your house.” He gave Helena a small wink, “I told her that day at the Grammy’s that I’d be here if and when this call came…and now she’s trying to kick me out.”

Helena smiled softly, pulling Andy into a quick hug, “Ignore her. It’s probably safer that way.” Myka had introduced them later in the evening of Helena’s first Grammy’s and Helena had felt instantly at ease with him, his casual conversation, his teasing asides. When she and Myka had started talking about the possibility of doing this, they both had known, there was no one else they’d feel comfortable with other than Andy. 

Andy laughed heartily, keeping an arm around Helena’s shoulders, “Ah but ignoring her would make for a pretty boring article and we can’t have that.”

Myka chuckled, “However would your reputation handle _that_?”

“Exactly.” Andy clapped his hands together, “So, you two ready to go?” 

**

_The Regents Café, Colorado Springs, October 12, 2013_

“See,” Helena leaned over to whisper in Myka’s ear where they stood leaning against the bar, a faint hum of conversation spinning all around them, “ _this_ is how one is supposed to spend the day before one’s wedding.”

Myka stifled her laughter against her glass of wine, “Since when have we _ever_ done _anything_ the way that we’re supposed to?”

Myka could feel Helena’s grin against her ear, “Now that is admittedly true darling.”

“You keep whispering in my ear like that and we’re going to have multiple issues with your desire to do this whole ‘day before the wedding’ thing properly.”

Helena’s chuckle was low, something only Myka could hear, “And what issues would those be?”

Myka suppressed a tiny shiver at the vibrations of Helena’s tone, her voice coming out a bit shaky with the effort, “ _One_ , I don’t believe it is _proper_ for the couple to _leave_ their own rehearsal dinner. _Two_ , we aren’t supposed to be spending the night together tonight.”

“And I’m threatening to break your resolve on those things, am I?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “You know you are…”

Feedback rang through the speakers, drawing unexpected gasps from everyone and providing the sufficient amount of noise to draw Helena and Myka’s attention away from each other. Helena grinned, “I believe your _propriety_ has just been saved by your best friend, Sleepy.”

Myka chuckled, “If I told him that he’d probably be pissed that he interrupted. He’d say something about me _getting my groove on_ …”

“There are _so very many_ responses I could give to that, but alas, I shall save them for later. I believe we _do_ owe Peter our attention.”

Myka’s teeth chased against the corner of her lip. She shook her head amusedly, she was _blushing_ at her own rehearsal dinner, which felt simultaneously asinine and entirely fitting considering whom she was marrying. They could be eighty years old and Helena would probably still be trying her damnedest to make her ears turn red. She took a slow sip of wine, willing herself to focus on Pete, though with Helena standing next to her looking completely stunning, she feared she was fighting a losing battle. 

Helena must have felt her gaze, because she shot her a sidelong glance, whispering, “You’re staring…and soon Pete _will_ notice that you aren’t paying attention. _Focus_ , my love.” 

Pete had clearly noticed Myka’s momentary _distraction_ , because he shot her a quick wink, smirking, “Ok, I _think_ I have the attention of _both_ brides now, so I’ll get this speech goin’. So, I know I’m the best man tomorrow, but I promised Myka’s sister that she could give the speech tomorrow, so you guys are stuck with me tonight.” He gave everyone a goofy smile, before clearing his throat and glancing down at his notes, before shrugging and putting them in his jacket pocket, “I made notes, but the thing is…I don’t really want to use them.” He looked out and made eye contact with Myka, giving her a soft grin, “Thirteen years ago, a kind of shy and _freakishly_ tall gal walked up to me and introduced herself, and little did I know that in that moment I was staring at my best friend, at the person who would walk with me and push me and care about me and kick my ass whenever I needed it. I spent a lot of those first few months, few _years_ really, watching as Myka found her voice, discovered who she was, who she wanted to be. The two of us…we’ve been through hell and back…and because of that, I’ll wholly admit, I’m probably way too protective of you, Myka. I have always wanted nothing more than to see you happy, to see you shine, to have your voice be heard. I worried…a long time ago…” Pete gave a small cough, a clearing of his throat, anything to fight against the emotion everyone could tell was rising up, “A long time ago I worried…that your voice had been silenced…I worried about all the things a best friend worries about…and then a five foot seven storm of leather jackets and British sass walked into our lives, into _your_ life, and I realized…I had to stop worrying, because in H.G. you had found your perfect partner, the person who brought your voice back. Never in my life have I ever witnessed,” he smirked for a second and shot a glance at Amanda, “ok aside from _my wife_ and I, I have never witnessed two people that love each other as fiercely as you two do. I have never seen two people who complement each other in all the right ways. You tease and you laugh and you love and you make each other better in so many ways. You two are a perfect symphony of sweetness and _yes_ , swagger, and because of that, there is really no one better than the two of you to say what needs to be said about your life together, about your love.” He turned to Claudia and gave her a small nod, whispering, “Hit it Claud.”

The wall behind Pete flashed with a bright light and music burst out of the speakers. Myka and Helena had no idea how they’d done it, how they’d found _so many_ pictures, but somehow Pete and Claudia had put together a montage of photos accompanied by a mix of all of _their_ music. Myka wiped furiously at her eyes, her tears causing her vision to blur to the point that she worried she soon wouldn’t be able to see the pictures. She unconsciously twirled her charm bracelet around her wrist, her bracelet that now held more charms than she could process, charms that were representative of all the songs that were now echoing around the Regents.

“Oh my word…” Helena let out a small gasp, “that’s before we were even _together_.”

“It was at that godforsaken karaoke bar,” Myka chuckled. “I don’t think I even _remember_ taking that picture. I’m fairly certain I was so nervous being around you for that long that my memory was just a complete blank.”

Helena tucked a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “That would make two of us. I flubbed lyrics that night and they were _right in front of me_ , because I was so caught off guard that you were watching.”

A round of “aww’s” filtered around the room at one particular picture, them curled up completely asleep on Pete and Amanda’s couch.

Myka groaned, “Well _that’s_ not embarrassing at all.”

Helena grinned, “That’s one of my favorite pictures, so I would say no, it isn’t.”

As the music flowed from one song snippet to another, more pictures flashed. Images from recording “Hate to See Your Heart Break,” from New Year’s Eve, from St. Louis, them on stage, them at the top of the Gateway Arch, it was their entire relationship summed up in a few pictures, in a few brief moments.

Another picture came across the wall and Myka sighed contentedly, “Now _that’s_ one of my favorites.”

It was from the band’s first show, when no one but them knew that they were together. Well, the two of them and Amanda. 

Helena laughed quietly, “God, we’re _beaming_. How all of them missed the obvious…”

“Mixture of distraction and being totally oblivious, I think.”

“God…that night…”

Myka squeezed her arm around Helena’s waist, “I knew I was absolutely sunk, right then and there.”

Helena grinned, “What can I say? I’m insanely _irresistible_ , darling.”

“No arguments here.”

The final strains of “The Only Exception” rang out through the speakers as a final picture froze on the wall. It had been taken at the studio when they’d been recording “Hate to See Your Heart Break.” They’d stolen away to a corner to work out a few kinks in the music and had had no idea they were being watched. It was a stolen moment, yet a perfect one. One that encapsulated them so very well. It was taken from behind where they were sitting, hip to hip on a piano bench, Helena’s head resting against Myka’s shoulder, Myka clearly had her head turned kissing Helena’s forehead. It was one of the pictures that they had hanging opposite their bed at home, a constant reminder that they were bound together, through love, through music, through life. They had each other to lean on, to complete each others notes and lyrics no matter what might happen.

As the music faded, Helena tilted her head up to Myka’s, meeting lips that were already waiting for hers. For a few brief moments, it was as though no one else was there, as though no one was looking at them or paying them one bit of attention. A wolf whistle, which they both knew came from Pete broke the solace of the moment. 

They broke apart, both with laughter on their lips. Helena moved back in, catching one more swift kiss, “Ready to marry me, Sleepy?”

Myka’s eyes were watery, her smile soft, “Oh Swagger…I am so very ready.”

**

“You both are aware that you’ll never actually _get_ to the marrying part if you don’t leave this building, right?” Amanda called out over the now near empty café.

Myka rolled her eyes, tightening her arm around Helena’s waist as she shot Amanda an incredulous look, “I distinctly remember having to take Pete’s phone away from him the night before your wedding because you two threatened to just FaceTime until you fell asleep, so I don’t want to hear it, Amanda.”

Helena peeked over her shoulder before turning back to Myka, “She looks like she will haul us both out of here by our ears if we don’t listen.”

“I can take her,” Myka teased.

Helena grinned, “I have _no opinion_ on that, but I would prefer you to not walk down the aisle with a black eye tomorrow, so it’s possible we need to heed their beckoning.”

“I know.” Myka’s lips puckered in a mocking pout, “I hate that we aren’t sleeping in our bed…”

“It hardly seemed fair to figure out which one of us got to go home tonight while the other didn’t, love. This makes the most sense.”

Myka hung her head playfully, “Kicking me out the night before our wedding…not only that…but kicking me out to _Pete’s_.”

“Pete’s guest room is better than Claudia’s pull out couch. I believe you win on that front. _However_ , do not let him keep you up all night plying you with video games and root beer. I would prefer you black eye-less _and_ awake tomorrow.”

“I don’t know, Swagger. We _do_ have big plans to hit the town. Bachelorette party and all that…and Pete _does_ throw one hell of a party.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “I’m not even going to bother saying it.”

Myka smiled her crooked smile, “Oh come on…indulge me. Indulge your future wife, _say it_.”

Helena linked her arms around Myka’s neck, giving her a wicked kind of grin, the kind that she knew did nothing but wind Myka up, “ _Insufferable_.”

Myka sighed, feeling her cheeks immediately pink at Helena’s tone, at her _smile_ , “That was low…even for you Swagger.”

Helena arched an eyebrow, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“H.G. I am _not_ above dragging you out of this building,” Claudia called.

Helena sighed, “Our chaperones are calling…”

“Ugh, _fine_. This is weird though. We’re leaving the Regents…I’m supposed to be the one to take you home, not Claudia.”

“Ah, but it isn’t Wednesday, my love.”

Myka waved a dismissive hand, “Minor details.”

Helena smiled softly, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“You will. I’ll be the one in white.”

Helena chuckled, “Funny…me too.”

“Imagine that…” Myka pulled Helena into her, giving her one last kiss, one last _unmarried_ kiss, “Good night Swagger. I love you.”

“Good night, darling. I love you too.”

**

“No, no, _no_ , please tell me that those aren’t your vows,” Claudia hovered against the back of the couch, peering over Helena’s shoulder. 

Helena glanced over her shoulder with a sheepish grin, “They are…”

Claudia casually hoisted herself over the back of the couch, as if this was perfectly normal behavior, despite the look Helena was giving her, and landed with a _thunk_ , her knees jostling with Helena’s uncomfortably. Claudia gave her a despairing look, “Please don’t tell me that this is some clichéd romantic comedy thing where it’s the night before your wedding and you’re _still_ working on your vows.”

Helena considered the words scrawled across the paper in her hands, cocking her head as if that would help her decipher them better, “I wouldn’t say that…no…rather I’m just making sure that they sound _right_.”

Claudia let out a small, almost playful, scoff, “You’ve written how many songs about Myka? And suddenly you’re worried you don’t know if you know the _right_ things to say? Exactly how much champagne did you drink tonight to knock you into that universe of thinking?”

Helena’s laughter was light, though tinged with a hint of worry, “I had _one glass_. It would not do to be hung-over on my wedding day. No,” Helena ran a hand through her hair with a tug of frustration, “it is _precisely_ the fact that I _have_ written dozens of songs for Myka that brings me here, staring at this piece of paper, making sure that this is _exactly_ what I want to say to her tomorrow.”

Claudia shook her head, “Ok, apparently _I_ drank too much champagne, because that made exactly _zero_ sense.”

“I just…” Helena ran her thumb over the paper, accidentally smudging some of the words, “I don’t want my _vows_ to sound like something she’s already heard, like something I’ve already said. How exactly do you explain all the ways that you are going to love someone for the rest of your life? I just…lyrics…they come easily to me…but this…it has to be _more than that_. No song I’ve written could ever come close to what I want to promise Myka tomorrow, and as the hours tick away to when I’m supposed to say all of this, I’m worried that what I have written is simply going to pale in comparison to _what I have written_ before.”

“You’re over-thinking this. You get that right? Like completely and totally over-thinking this.”

Helena sank her head back against the couch with a groan, “I am _acutely_ aware of that fact, yes.”

“I’m fairly certain that all it would take tomorrow is for you to say, ‘Myka, I love you,’ for her to understand exactly what you are trying to say, but can’t find the proper words for. It’s part of your weird Bering and Wells charm…you have a mind-reading thing that none of us quite get.”

Helena’s lips quirked in a small half-grin, “Somehow I think that would leave something to be desired to those in attendance.”

“Oh screw them…” Claudia waved a hand dismissively. “Who cares what _anyone else_ thinks about what you are going to say? All that matters is that you say to _Myka_ what she needs to hear, and if that’s just ‘I love you,’ than that’s it.”

Helena sighed, “You’re right…I know you’re right.”

“Wow…can you repeat that so that I can get it on tape? Because…wow…”

Helena rolled her eyes, “It is ill-advised to mock someone the night before their wedding.”

Claudia shrugged, “Just trying to distract you. How’s that going?”

“Middling at best…”

“Alright…” Claudia clapped her hands and stood up, holding a hand out to Helena, “Come on, you. We’re getting you some fresh air.”

Helena leveled her with an incredulous stare, “Claudia…I have to be up…”

“Yeah, yeah, in a bunch of hours that you aren’t even going to spend sleeping anyway, which I think we both know, so why not spend them going to get something to eat with your maid of honor, rather than holed up here on her couch, pouting, worrying, and staring at that piece of paper which _we both know_ already says everything you need to say?”

Helena let out a frustrated sigh, sinking further into the couch cushions before Claudia looped a hand around her wrist and heaved her up, “Come on grumpy.” She slung an arm around Helena’s shoulders, “Trust me, this will be a much more constructive use of your time.”

“Can I say I hate you right now?”

“Sure! But that doesn’t mean I’m not still hauling your ass out that door. Come on, Britain…look alive.”

**

“ _What in the actual hell is that noise_?”

Helena bit her lip to stall the laughter that was rising in her throat at the incredulity and surprise in Myka’s voice. She stood up from the table, lifting up a finger to Claudia, Liam, and Steve, before stepping outside into the cold but _quiet_ of the night. She adjusted her phone back to her ear, “Is that better?”

“Definitely. Where are you?”

“I have been forcibly removed from Claudia’s apartment by Claudia herself and am currently having greasy food shoved at me by her, Liam, and Steve at The Green Line.”

“Ugh…I am _so jealous_. I’m starving, and somehow...by some cruel twist of fate, Pete has _zero_ junk food.”

“I believe you can probably thank Amanda for that. He probably has a secret stash somewhere…”

“At this point, I am not above rummaging through drawers. You could bring me something, I think _that_ is the best option here.”

Helena rolled her eyes, “Nice try.”

“Spoil sport…leaving your future wife hungry and French fry deprived…”

“Oh yes, I am the cruelest of fiancées darling.”

“Something like that,” Myka chuckled. “So why were you _forcibly removed_ from Claud’s apartment?”

“I believe I’m invoking my right to silence on that question, darling.”

Myka laughed, “Did you just ‘plead the fifth’ me?”

“I did, indeed. Most emphatically, at that.”

There was a small beat, the slightest of hesitations, before Myka’s voice was ringing through the phone, though it sounded less amused, and more worried than Helena was expecting, “This isn’t a weird cold feet thing that you’re just being coy about is it?”

“No! Oh darling…no, no, not at all.” Helena groaned, mostly at herself, because _that_ was not a thought she ever wanted Myka to have, “No, my love, Claudia was simply saving my vows from being torn into a million pieces and her best method for that was hauling me off of the couch and out of the apartment.”

“Ah…got it.” 

The relief was so palpable in Myka’s voice it almost made Helena laugh, though she tamped it down, adjusting her tone quieter, “I have no idea what the opposite of cold feet is, but whatever it is, I am very much there darling.”

Myka chuckled, “What _is_ the opposite of cold feet?”

“Hot hands?” Helena ventured.

“I like that.”

“Well then, I am very much suffering from a severe case of _hot hands_ when it comes to marrying you tomorrow. The time is not going by nearly fast enough for my liking.”

Myka’s tone was once again serene, happy, _thrilled_ , “Oh I am very much in that boat with you, Swagger. Just a few more hours.”

“Just a few more hours…” Helena glanced back into the restaurant, “I should probably return to my kidnapping party, or they will come out here and steal my phone.”

“Let me know when you get in. I’ll be up. Pete said something about a movie marathon once he was out of the shower…”

“Hopefully we’ll both be awake tomorrow…”

“Trust me, I won’t even need coffee tomorrow, no matter how little sleep I get. Marrying you…well…it’s…it’s the best kind of incentive.”

Helena grinned, “I couldn’t agree more my love. Ok, enjoy your movies. I love you.”

“Love you too Swagger. Enjoy your _food_.”

“Make Pete go out and buy you snacks! It is the night before your wedding and he is your best man after all, it’s the least he could do.”

“I’ll try to convince him of that…”

“Tell him you’ll share. Tell him you want cookies. Wasn’t that the first piece of advice you ever gave me? ‘Give Pete cookies when you want something?’”

Myka laughed warmly, “True. I’ll give it a try.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks. Stay out of too much trouble over there.”

“Who me? Oh darling, you know I _never_ get in trouble…”

“ _Lord_ …good night Swagger.”

Helena’s laughter was wicked, coy, “Good night darling.”

**

They were halfway through their first movie when Pete’s phone buzzed. Once he’d read it, he stood up, fighting back a laugh and pointing a finger at Myka where she was curled up in the recliner, “You do not move out of that chair, or I will make you watch every Schwarzenegger movie I own.”

Myka gave him a confused look, “Ok?” 

He shook his head and went to the front door, barely cracking it open enough to slip outside, only to find a disgruntled Claudia on the front steps holding a take out bag. She held it up to him, “They’re insane.”

He grabbed the bag, idly glancing into it, “They’re in love, but _yes_ , insane seems to cover it.” 

Claudia gave him a thumbs up, “Ok, food has been delivered. Now,” she hitched her thumb over her shoulder to where Helena was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, arms folded, looking utterly annoyed, “time to get bride number one home.”

Pete arched an eyebrow, “She looks pissed.” 

Claudia shrugged, “I locked her in and told her I’d hide her dress tomorrow if she tried to get out of the car.”

Pete whistled, impressed, “Good luck dealing with _that_ , then. I’m just going to,” he lifted the bag and looked at it askance, “deliver the food and thank God I got bride number two duty.”

“Uh huh, wait until she finds out who was outside. Then we’ll see how much you like your assignment.” Claudia gave him a teasing smile. As realization dawned on Pete’s face, Claudia clapped him on the shoulder and sprinted back to the car, “G’night! Good luck!”

Pete hung his head, “Fuck…”

**

Myka looked up from the television when Pete walked back in, “What was that all about?”

Pete simply deposited the bag of food on her lap, “Delivery from the future Mrs. Bering-Wells, to the other future Mrs. Bering-Wells.”

Myka’s jaw dropped, “That was _Helena_?”

“No, _that_ was Claudia. H.G. was locked in the car under threat of punishment if she attempted to bum-rush the door. Which is why _I_ didn’t tell you who had texted me.”

Myka rolled her eyes with a scoff, “We are not _that bad_.”

Pete gave her an incredulous look, “You are _exactly_ that bad.”

“Whatever.” Myka lifted the food containers out of the bag and tossed one carefully to Pete, “Bad or not, she at least bought you something too.”

Pete grinned with an onion ring already between his teeth, “Which is why I love the woman you’re marrying, Mykes.”

Myka popped a French fry into her mouth with a grin, “No arguments here, Lattimer. Not a single damn one.”

**

_The Loft Music Venue, Colorado Springs, October 13, 2013_

Pete had opted for hanging back until the right moment, knowing that he would do nothing but get in the way if he attempted to join the fray of Myka getting ready. So, he did his best to ease into one of the chairs in the corner without creasing his tux and decided he served the situation best by taking pictures while the photographer was over in Helena’s room. He watched as, once again, Myka had to tell her mother she was going to absolutely ruin her makeup if she kept crying, only to have that make Jeannie cry inexplicably harder. 

Amanda shot him a glance over her shoulder where she was working on Myka’s hair, “You know…you are doing a _spectacular_ job of best manning over there.”

He held up his hands, “Hey…do you really think I can be of any help with what all of you have going on over there?”

He watched Myka smile, wink at him in the mirror, “He’s right, Amanda. Leave him be. He got the task of staying up with me half the night last night, he deserves a little rest.”

“That’s right. Listen to the bride, wife o’ mine.”

“How many escape attempts did you have to fend off last night?” Tracy asked.

Pete shrugged, “A few, but ya know my company is _so_ spectacular she didn’t really _want_ to leave.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I think it was less that and more that you apparently took a page out of Claudia’s book and threatened to hide things from me if I attempted to flee.”

“Just doin’ what a best man does, tall gal.”

There was a knock at the door, proceeded by Claudia’s head peaking in the door and scanning around the room, before her gaze landed on Pete, “Dude, the bride wants to see you.”

Pete gave her a playful, confused look, pointing at Myka, “I’m _with_ the bride.”

Claudia rolled her eyes, “The _other one_ , jackass.”

He caught Myka’s eye in the mirror, “You good here?”

She grinned, “I’m good. Just don’t take too long, otherwise you’re leaving me in the hands of _these three_ and that might be dangerous.”

“Hey!” Amanda and Tracy’s voices echoed in unison.

Pete smirked, “Ten-four, tall gal. I’ll be right back.” He shook his head before he left the room, giving Myka a teasing grin, “Keeping track of two brides…tough gig.”

Claudia led him down the hall to where Helena was getting ready. Pete gave her an almost nervous look, “Did she say what she wanted?”

“Nope, just requested your presence, _alone_.”

“I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

Claudia patted his back, pushing him into the room, “Probably best to not keep her waiting and just go find out.”

Pete stepped into the room, which was airier than the one Myka was getting ready in. Myka had opted for the room lit up with twinkle lights, with its exposed brick walls, claiming it reminded her of The Warehouse. Helena’s room on the other hand was all windows and sunshine, gauzy curtains flowing back and forth from the windows where they stood open to let some of the breeze in. He looked around, immediately realizing that each room fit what each of them needed. 

Helena was standing in front of a full-length mirror with her back to him, seemingly making final adjustments to her jewelry. He cleared his throat, unsure if she knew he was in the room, “Uh, H.G.?”

She turned, giving him a dazzlingly smile, “Claudia tracked you down, I see.”

“Tracked me down, pulled me out of Myka’s room, whichever way you want to look at it. She said you wanted to see me?”

Helena nodded, stepping smoothly over to the vanity that looked out over the back garden where last minute touches were being added to the ceremony space. She rummaged in a bag for a few seconds before straightening and turning to Pete with a cream colored envelope in her hand. She held it out to him, “I’m sorry I pulled you away from your best man duties, but I wanted to give this to you before the ceremony.”

He grasped it lightly between his fingers, “What is it? Something for Mykes?”

Helena’s laughter was a bit breathless, “No, Peter. If you’d _look_ at the envelope, you’d see it was for you.”

Pete’s eyebrows shot up, “Me?”

“Yes, you. Just…just, please read it before the ceremony if you get a chance.”

He tucked the envelope into the inside pocket of his jacket, “Will do.” He took a second to take in Helena standing before him. Her dress was a perfect contrast to Myka’s, though he knew she would have no way of knowing that, not until she walked down the aisle. Where Myka’s was a brilliant white, intricate dazzle of lace patterns, that criss-crossed down her back and over the small straps at her shoulders, Helena’s was smooth, simple cream, sleeveless, cinched in tight folds of fabric at her side. Pete let out a slow breath, “Man…H.G…you look beautiful.”

Unconsciously, Helena’s hands slide over her dress, trying to make certain it was laying correctly, “Thank you, Peter.”

“Mykes is gonna…well…wow…she’s probably not going to know what to say.”

Helena gave him a small look, a hint of nervousness tugging at the corners of her mouth, “How is she?”

Pete grinned, “Fending off the efforts of her mother and sister. So she’s got her hands full.” 

Helena laughed quietly, fingers dancing against her lips, “I can only imagine…”

Pete cupped a hand around Helena’s shoulder, catching her eye with a bright smile, “She’s good though. Like over the moon good. One might even say _giddy_ , and there isn’t a hint of Tom Petty music being played.”

Helena felt certain she was beaming, “That’s…impressive.”

“That’s Myka at the prospect of gettin’ hitched to you, there, Rock Star.” He squeezed her shoulder a bit, “How about you? You ready for this?”

Helena’s smile was bright, open, so very willing, “I am certain I have never been _more ready_ for anything in my entire life.”

“I’d expect nothing less. Ok,” he leaned in and left a kiss on Helena’s cheek, “I need to get back. I promised Mykes I wouldn’t leave her alone with the other three for too long.”

Helena rolled her eyes playfully, “That’s probably a wise promise to have made.”

“Absolutely. Alright, I’ll see ya out there.”

Pete was halfway out the door when Helena’s voice called out, “Pete…”

He poked his head back in, “What’s up, H.G.?”

Helena’s look was bashful. She bit her lip with a bit of uncertainty, “Myka…her dress…how does she…”

Pete grinned but gave a quick wiggle of his eyebrows, “You won’t be able to take your eyes off of her.”

**

Pete paused for a moment outside of Helena’s door, his hand unconsciously pulling the envelope out of his jacket. He looked around at the deserted hallway and noticed a small window nook at the end of it. It was out of the way of both Helena and Myka’s rooms and he hoped inconspicuous enough to give him a few moments to read whatever it was that Helena had given him. He settled himself onto the padded seat and slowly undid the envelope, nervous, though he couldn’t quite put a finger on why.

He pulled out a thick sheet of cream colored stationary that was embossed with Helena’s initials at the top. The entire sheet was covered in Helena’s flowing script. He took a slow, deep breath and began to read.

_October 13, 2013_

_Peter,  
After two summers on the road together, I know that you and I don’t ever have to shy away from honesty with each other. You have listened to me in my best and worst moments, and for that I am grateful, grateful that I know I can tell you practically anything and have it be heard, respected, and understood. Somehow that feels as though it has happened in a rather short period of time, this trust that has built up between us that allows us to say whatever needs to be said, whenever it needs to be said. _

_I find myself in the position this morning of needing to say things to you, however, I’m not sure that I am capable of saying them to you directly, not because I don’t want to, but mostly because it is my wedding day after all, and while I know that there are plenty of tears ahead of me, I don’t quite feel like starting the day off with them quite so quickly. My grandmother has also taught me that sometimes a letter is the best possible vehicle in which to say the things that need to be said so vitally. Which brings me to why I am writing…_

_I know, intrinsically, that Myka and I would not be here, today, without things that both she and I have done. Somehow, we have managed, in the midst of this wildly inconsistent world to find each other, and for that I am grateful. However, in many ways, I feel that we would not be here today if not for you. I know that you would never take that much credit, another benefit to writing this to you rather than saying it, you simply can’t argue with a piece of paper. Well…you could, and I wouldn’t put it past you, but that’s digressing from my point. I know that without you, I would not be where I am today, preparing to marry the love of my life. I don’t know if you are aware of just how much your words have changed me, how much they altered the course of my life, how large of a role they played in directing the path I took which brought me to Myka. That day, which feels like an age ago, when I walked into that wrestling practice, I was far closer to letting Myka go than I think I was even remotely willing to admit. I was drowning that day, in uncertainty and worry and a deep feeling of powerlessness. You saved me, Peter. There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not reminded myself of your words, that they have not echoed through my brain. On our best days and on our worst days, I have reminded myself that Myka is a woman who is always worth fighting for. You are the one who made me fully and completely see Myka and I, who we could be together, as something to fight for, every moment of everyday. I will never be able to thank you enough for that, because in so many ways, I owe my life to you. If I had given up on Myka…I can’t even imagine what, who, I would be today. I know I am able to be alone, I know that I am strong-willed, independent, and a myriad of other things, however, I also know that I am my best self when I am with Myka, and knowing that I almost allowed myself to not even try to have that…it is unfathomable to me now, but I know that had you not been there when I absolutely needed you, I fear my life would look starkly different than it does today. So, for as much you should absolutely, without question, be standing up with Myka today, I want you to know that I, too, feel there is no better person to be up there with both of us than you._

_There is one last thing, and I am very aware that this really isn’t my place, but I feel since I am saying all I need to say that this needs to be said as well. Thank you for who you are to Myka. Your fierce, relentless love is something that I am immensely grateful for. I am well aware of the fact that the woman I fell in love with, while very much being her own woman, would not be the woman she is without having you in her life. You have given her so very much, and I truly hope you realize that, especially today._

_You are a one of a kind man Peter Lattimer, and I count myself extremely lucky to have you in my life, to be a recipient of your particular brand of love, loyalty, and friendship. Truly, what all of this comes down to is that on my wedding day, I felt it absolutely it necessary to say thank you to you, for everything you’ve done and for everything you are._

_All My Love,  
H.G._

Pete folded up the letter letting out some strangled form of half of a cough, half of a sniffle, thankful that no one was in the hall to see him wiping furiously at his eyes. He looked back down at the letter, before tucking it back into his pocket. He shook his head with a small laugh, whispering to no one but himself, “Man, Mykes is in so much trouble having to survive whatever vows are coming her way.”

He drew in a deep breath, shaking his shoulders slightly, willing himself to sink back into a picture of normalcy before he walked back into Myka’s room. He knew she would ask, and he knew he would tell her, but she didn’t need to see him on the brink of being an emotional mess all because H.G. wrote him a letter. He’d never live that down if it got out. 

When he popped back into Myka’s room she gave him a questioning look, but he simply shot her a quick wink and resumed his position back in his chair, waiting patiently as everyone made their final touches. 

Jeannie tucked up one last stray curl, tightening a bobby pin and in the process making Myka grimace. Tracy swatted playfully at her shoulder, “You look gorgeous...a little bit of pain is worth a whole lot of gorgeous.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “My head may be numb by the end of the day with how many bobby pins you all threw in there.”

“Again, _gorgeous_ thus _worth it_.” Tracy swiped a thumb across Myka’s cheek before straightening and declaring, “I’m pretty sure you’re ready.”

Jeannie and Tracy stood behind Myka, hands placed delicately on her shoulders. Jeannie let out a small sniffle, drawing a handkerchief up to her nose. Myka groaned, “Mom, please don’t start again…if you start then I’ll start, then Tracy will start and we will all have to redo our makeup and you _do not_ want to see Helena when I am running late on a good day, let alone when she’s standing at an altar.”

Jeannie fluttered her hands, “Oh I know, I know, I’m sorry, you just look stunning and I am _so happy_ , and _yes_ I am going to be a total mess so I’m going to leave this room and give you a second.” Jeannie leaned down and kissed Myka’s cheek, placing a palm against the other and drawing Myka’s gaze, “I love you so very much, my Myka.”

Myka’s eyes started to water, “I love you too.”

Tracy pulled Myka up, lightly clasping their hands, “No speeches from me big sister. Just a hug and an I love you and another reminder that you look downright, ridiculously gorgeous.”

Myka chuckled softly as she hugged Tracy, “Thank you, Trace and I love you too.”

Amanda reached out with a laugh and pulled at Jeannie and Tracy’s wrists, “Ok, ladies we have places to be, so,” she looked over her shoulder at Pete, knowing without him saying a word what he needed. She inclined her head towards Pete, “Let’s give the best man a second with the bride.” She gave Myka a quick wink, “We’ll see you out there.”

As the door closed, Myka turned to Pete, rolling her eyes incredulously and sighing, “Those three…”

Pete shook his head with a laugh, “Yeah I know…they’re something else.” He stood clearing his throat and stepping towards Myka, “Do you need a speech?”

“I don’t think so, unless you _really_ want to give me one, then I’m all ears.”

Pete’s grin was sheepish. He reached out and linked a hand with Myka’s, giving it a squeeze, “No speeches. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard them all already anyway.”

“That’s probably true.” Myka gave him a hesitant look, “Is Helena ok?”

Pete chuckled, giving Myka an endearing look, “She’s wonderful. Chomping at the bit to put a ring on it, I believe.”

“I’m going to assume those are your words, not hers,” Myka teased.

“Absolutely.”

Myka’s brow furrowed, “So what’d she want?”

Pete pulled the letter out of his pocket, wiggling it between his fingers, “She just had a few things to say to me is all.”

Myka’s smile was wide, bright, “She is something else.”

“That she is.” Pete let out a slow breath, taking in the image of Myka before him, looking completely at ease, completely at peace, more beautiful than he’d ever seen her look. For the briefest of moments, seeing her look this free, this relaxed, all he could picture was eighteen year old Myka, headstrong and determined, with her whole future ahead of her. He felt tears prick at the back of his eyes, overwhelmed by the thought of the path that eighteen year old had to take to get here, to get to today.

Myka gave his hand a squeeze, “You alright there, Lattimer?”

He cleared his throat roughly, “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I just…man, Mykes…I am so fucking happy for you. Knowing everything that’s gotten you here…seeing you this happy…”

“I thought you said no speeches…”

Pete chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, “Yeah, I know, sorry. Just tell me, Mykes, you’re good, right?”

Myka rolled her eyes, drawing him forward into a tight hug, “I love you for asking, for making sure, even though _you know_ I am _so much more than good_ right now. I’m not sure there is even a word for what I am right now, Pete.”

Pete squeezed Myka to him, “I’ll give you three words. _You’re. In. Love_.”

“I think that covers it.”

Pete eased her back, hands cupping around her shoulders, “I so rarely get to do this, to _say_ this.”

Myka grinned, “Lay it on me Lattimer.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” She leaned up and left a kiss on his cheek, “Best best man ever. I love you.”

Pete wasn’t even embarrassed that he was blushing, “I love you too tall gal.” He leaned down and placed a kiss to Myka’s forehead, before pulling back with a goofy grin, “Alright, let’s go get you hitched!”

**

Myka and Helena would both say that the ceremony was exceedingly simple and beyond perfect. They’d opted to forego a traditional center aisle and instead they both walked outside from opposite sides of the building at the same moment, Helena arching up the right side of the congregation, Myka the left, that way they each got to see the other walk down the aisle, meeting beneath a wooden archway strewn with the golden and red leaves of fall. 

Everything was awash in the warmth, the burnished light of fall. Their flowers matching bouquets of local dahlias, roses, and parrot tulips in deep reds, oranges, and purples with hints of greenery. Neither of them could imagine more fitting people to surround them as they took this next step, each of their attendants knowing, in their own particular way, what it had taken for the two of them to get here, to love each other, to put aside the fears and the worries and the doubts and choose love above all else. Pete, Tracy, and Amanda, stood behind Myka, failing miserably in comparison to Helena’s party in keeping their emotions under control. Claudia, Shelby, and Leena were much more serene, giddy almost in their anticipation and joy, while behind Myka there were more tears than anything else, no one crying more than Pete.

They had set a time purposefully for late in the afternoon so that just as they were beginning to say their vows, the sun began its slow, glowing descent behind the mountains bathing everything in an ethereal glow. 

A hush descended around them, feeling almost as though the earth, the air itself was holding its breath in an effort to give them this one moment together.

Helena tried her best to smirk, to give Myka some coy look, but the inherent seriousness behind the words that she was about to say got the best of her, only allowing her to take a deep breath and give a quick glance down to the notes in her hands before shrugging and turning, handing them off to Claudia so she could grasp both of Myka’s hands. It was then that her smile came, in the face of Myka looking at her as though she was the only thing in existence. Myka gave their hands a small squeeze, and that was enough to get Helena to start talking.

“Claudia will attest that I spent a great deal of time last night worrying and wondering over whether or not I had come up with the right words to say to you today, Myka. However, looking at you now, I realize I’ve always known what I needed to say, because, as you once told me, ‘it’s a pretty damn good place to start.’ I love you. I have lived so much of my life feeling as though I was hiding, hiding away from complication, from happiness itself, from my true self. You were the first person to ever, _truly_ see beyond my _swagger_ , and see _me_ and to love me for what you saw. Our lives are so very full of chaos and insanity, and there is no better person, no better partner that I could imagine than you to have by my side for the journey. You are fearless and determined and loving and supportive and _insufferable_ , and I will do my most ardent best to love you with everything that I have for all the minutes and hours that this life gives us.”

Myka unlinked one set of their hands to wipe at her eyes. She shot Helena a playfully annoyed look, “Now it’s my turn and _I’m crying_ , which is _wildly_ unhelpful.” That garnered a soft wave of laughter to echo across the quiet. Myka pushed out a quick breath, giving her shoulders a quick shake. She turned towards Pete and took the proffered piece of paper before rejoining one of her hands with Helena’s, “Ok. _I_ need my notes, because now I’m distracted and I don’t want to miss anything so don’t judge.” Helena gave her a gentle smile, a squeeze of the hand, encouraging Myka to just talk. 

“I like things that make sense, things that I can line up logically in my head, so I can follow them to an inevitable, knowable conclusion. I’ve never been that person who jumps in head first regardless of risk, simply hoping that everything will work out. I’ve always needed a plan. For the longest time, I thought I _had_ a plan, one that made sense, one that maybe didn’t lead to anything exciting, but it was clear and it was set, and if I was just content, well that was enough. I was so focused on that plan that I didn’t recognize that I’d been allowing myself to become comfortable living in the dark, living a life that was easy and simple. You came into my life in a whirlwind of chaos, bright, brilliant joy and _yes_ , swagger and you knocked me completely off-kilter, and Helena, I could not be more thankful for that. You shined a light into a darkness I didn’t even know was surrounding me. You shook me out of my comfortable, little bubble and you made me see that there was a different choice. There was a life that could be big and crazy and _wondrous_. You made me realize that I didn’t need to always _know_ , and that sometimes the greatest things to ever happen are the ones that don’t make an ounce of sense. I will never promise you that I will make this easy, as you said I’m far too insufferable for that, _however_ , what I will promise you is that I will be here, to love you, to walk with you, to write the lyrics of our life together for all the days of my life.”

Helena swiped her pinkies below her eyes, giving Myka an endearingly frustrated look, “Now _I’m_ crying, so I believe we’re quite even darling.”

Everything else was one blissful blur rushing towards one final, certain, perfect moment. Neither of them heard the applause or the cheering or even the ear-splittingly loud wolf whistle that Pete let out. The only thing that existed in those few seconds was Helena stepping fully into Myka’s space, Myka’s hands coming up to cradle Helena’s jaw drawing her forward as Helena’s arms looped around Myka’s waist; one singular moment of Myka smiling in that last second before letting her lips meet Helena’s, of Helena’s laughter bubbling up and vibrating against this first kiss. A few seconds, mere moments of complete and utter bliss.

**

“I must say, this was a very good decision on our part,” Helena casually whispered into Myka’s ear as they slowly swayed on the dance floor. Helena was trying desperately to simply appreciate the moment and ignore the fact that there were a hundred sets of eyes on them for this particular moment, but then that was the price one paid for first dances at one’s wedding.

Myka pulled her head back a touch from where it had been resting against Helena’s temple and gave her a curious look, “What? Getting married? Yes, I would say unequivocally that was a _very good_ decision.”

Helena’s head tipped back with a groan, even while Myka’s laughter danced into her ears, “I meant _Zach_ , you insufferable woman.”

“Your insufferable _wife_ , Swagger. You’re stuck with me now, insufferable nature and all.”

Helena slipped closer to Myka, feeling Myka’s arm tighten around her waist. She gave Myka a smirk, “You know…I think…somehow, I can live with that.”

Myka leaned down and left a quick kiss to Helena’s smile before pulling back, “I agree though…about Zach. _Very good decision_.”

They continued to move and sway in a small circle, content to not say much else, but to simply appreciate the soft movements of these few minutes. The feeling of Myka’s wedding band sliding against Helena’s fingers, Helena’s fingertips brushing against the skin of Myka’s shoulders, the slow, even mixing of their breath together, all the while Zach’s voice echoed around the room from where he was playing the piano that had been set up in the corner. 

They’d debated _which song_ would fit this moment best, which song they would most want to hear in these first few moments of their marriage, which song summed them up as much as possible. There had been lists and debates, a constant back and forth between far too many choices. At one point, Helena had simply let her head fall against the table and suggested a mash-up of all available options. Myka had jokingly suggested that maybe they just needed to stop writing music together, because it was clearly making decisions such as these too complicated. That one joke, that tiny tease had been enough to remove Helena’s head from its slumped position, determination flaring in her eyes that they _would_ make a decision that night.

Ultimately, they realized that it was a decision that shouldn’t have been as complicated as they’d made it. They had decided the previous year that Zach could have “Chasing Cars,” and it had ended up being his first single, moving swiftly up the charts to eventually hit number one in the weeks immediately following their engagement. Helena had joked with Zach and told him it was _clearly_ her relationship karma that had given him the final boost, but neither she nor Myka could deny that his version was well worth the accolades it received. It even went so far as to earn he and Myka both a Grammy nomination for “Record of the Year,” which it ultimately won, driving home the point that most of them had already known, Zach had taken Myka’s song and made it even more than she had envisioned, and it was because of that that she and Helena ultimately decided that having him sing it for their first dance was truly the only logical option. 

The song faded out on a quiet run of the piano and applause erupted around them, but Myka didn’t stop moving. She turned her head, leaving a kiss against Helena’s temple, “What if we just kept dancing?”

Helena let out a small hum of appreciation before responding, “Our mothers would probably inform us that we were being rude to our guests _and_ we would miss dinner, which would be devastating because I am starving. I haven’t eaten anything since this morning.”

Myka chuckled, “Joys of having Pete as a best man, he kept me well stocked in snacks this afternoon.”

“Lucky,” Helena pouted.

Myka tucked her fingers under Helena’s chin, finally bringing their dancing to a gentle stop and tilting Helena’s head up for another slow kiss. When they broke apart, Myka’s eyes were shining, “I am _absolutely_ , unequivocally, _the luckiest_.”

**

“We should _probably_ talk to people…” Myka nudged Helena’s shoulder where they sat comfortably ensconced at their own table, completely sated from dinner and more cake than Myka was sure she’d ever ingested.

Helena groaned playfully and pulled Myka’s chair closer to hers, dropping a kiss to Myka’s shoulder, “I, quite selfishly, have very little interest in talking to anyone other than you…” Myka’s cheeks pinked, causing Helena to chuckle and whisper against her ear, “Good to know that that wedding ring doesn’t mean you’re now immune to my charm, darling.”

Myka rolled her eyes, “I’m pretty sure I _might_ be even more susceptible now.” Myka pulled herself away from Helena’s pleading hands, albeit slightly begrudgingly, and held a hand out to Helena, “Come on Swagger, starting tomorrow you’ve got me all to yourself for two straight weeks. Tonight…we mingle.”

“Tonight we…something like that…” Helena smirked coyly.

“Wow,” Myka shook her head slowly, mouth a bit ajar, “I think all I have is _wow_. Do you intend to use that mouth around your grandmother?”

Helena’s smirk deepened, “ _No_ , however, I will say I inherited this lovely charm of mine _from_ Lottie, so she probably wouldn’t mind even if I did.”

“How about we don’t test that theory tonight?”

Helena shrugged, amused grin tugging at her lips as she slipped her hand into Myka’s, “Ok _wife of mine_ , let us _mingle_.”

**

As Helena was lost in conversation with Charles, Myka felt a hand wrap around her elbow. She turned to find Lottie standing behind her giving her a winsome smile. Myka leaned down, wrapping the woman in a gentle hug. Lottie lifted a coy eyebrow at her, “You can tell you two are musicians…the music is a bit… _boisterous_.”

Myka cocked her head with a teasing grin, “Are you showing your age on us, Lottie? Telling us to turn our music down?”

Lottie waved a dismissive hand, “Simply an observation. Believe me, I’m fairly certain I lost _most_ of my hearing during Helena’s secondary school years. The _noise_ that came out of that girl’s room.”

“Didn’t turn you into a Clash fan, huh?”

Lottie leveled her with a deadpan look, “I bought her their first album.” She pointed a quick finger at Myka’s dropped jaw, “I thought you had learned by now to not underestimate me, Myka.”

“A lesson well-learned.”

Lottie’s look softened into something more considering. She shot a quick glance towards Helena, then returned her attention to Myka, “We’re stubborn, us Wells’ women. I hope you well know that.”

Myka grinned, laughter leaving her in a short exhalation of breath, “ _Another_ lesson _very_ learned, though it was one I thankfully learned rather early.”

Lottie nodded with determination, “Good.”

“Thankfully, Bering women are just as stubborn,” Myka said, risking giving Lottie a tiny wink.

Gentle, almost whimsical laughter cascaded from Lottie’s throat. She brought a hand up to cup Myka’s cheek, “Oh my dear girl, you two are going to be just fine. _Better than fine_ , I would wager.”

Myka’s eyes strayed to Helena, where her head was tipped back in laughter at something Charles had apparently said, her wedding ring catching and glinting in the twinkle lights above them. Myka’s voice, once she found it, was breathless, “You know…I’m fairly certain we’re going to be spectacular.”

Lottie grinned, lifting Myka’s hand up considering it. She was quiet for a moment, before she leaned forward and left a kiss against Myka’s cheek, whispering, “The ring truly looks lovely on you.”

**

“Poor Kevin is woefully outnumbered in this family. How have we never considered that fact? The poor thing,” Jeannie commented as she sipped delicately from a glass of champagne, her eyes drifting around their small gathered circle of Myka, Helena, and Tracy, who was cradling a sleeping Olivia in the crook of her arm.

Tracy leaned down and left a kiss to the crown of her daughter’s head with a small laugh, “And this little one just adds to that number.”

“Thankfully, Ethan has enough energy for about _seven_ people, so he does help Kevin out a bit on that front,” Helena said before setting her own glass of champagne down and holding her hands out to Tracy. “Speaking of your darling husband, _you_ , Tracy dear haven’t danced with that man once tonight, so hand the little one over, get a drink, and embarrass us all with your horrendous dancing.”

“Listen to all that love I’m getting, you’d think that _officially_ becoming your sister-in-law would garner me a little more affection,” Tracy smirked as she delicately placed Olivia into Helena’s arms. The only sign that Olivia gave that recognized she’d been moved was a small curl of her lips into a smile. Tracy sighed, “And now she’s smiling, betrayal from my own daughter.”

Myka grinned, stroking a light hand through Olivia’s curls which were already thick, even at six months, “She just has good taste is all. Just like her Aunt Myka.” She leaned in and whispered next to Olivia’s ear, “Hear that kiddo, _Myka_ , Aunt _Myka_.”

Tracy rolled her eyes, “You totally should not even be bothering with that.”

Myka’s look was determined, “I’ll try whatever option is available to me.”

“Myka has always had a soft spot for trying her damndest on hopeless cases,” Jeannie smirked.

Helena’s face devolved into a strange mixture of amusement and offense, “Somehow I feel as though I should be insulted by that comment, Jeannie.”

Jeannie lifted an eyebrow, “Just because you’re married now does not mean we start taking it easy on you Helena.”

Helena sighed dramatically, despite the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, “And here I thought there had to be _some_ benefit to actually being a part of the family…if I’d have known there wasn’t I might have rethought this whole thing.”

“Hey!” Myka smacked playfully against Helena’s shoulder, “ _Uncalled for_.”

Helena laughed warmly and tucked a kiss to Myka’s temple, “I tease, my love. I wouldn’t rethink this decision for anything in the world.”

“Oh God…here comes the sappy sentimentality, I believe it _is_ time for a drink and the previously mentioned dancing,” Tracy winked.

Myka stuck her tongue out at Tracy and pulled Helena closer, arm tight around her waist, “It’s our wedding day, it’s allowed.”

“That it is,” Jeannie nodded. She finished the rest of her champagne in a tiny gulp, then wrapped a hand around Tracy’s wrist, “I believe I have had enough champagne to join you in the dancing, daughter of mine. Shall we?”

Tracy’s eyes widened, “I am possibly _insane_ for saying hell yes to that.”

Before letting Tracy tug her away to the crowded dance floor, Jeannie leaned in to Helena, placing a kiss to her cheek, “It didn’t take a ring on your finger to be family, Helena. Official or not, I don’t care…you’ve been like a daughter to me since day one. I hope you know that.”

Helena’s smile was soft, her eyes watery, “Thank you, Jeannie.”

“Anytime dearest.” Their shared glance lasted a few moments before Jeannie let out a chuckle, “I think I was about to dance.”

“Don’t break anything mother,” Myka teased.

“And here I had _no intention_ of embarrassing you, and you just had to go and ruin it.”

“ _Have fun_!” Myka sighed contentedly as she watched Tracy pull Jeannie into a tight circle of dancers. Kevin was twirling Ethan on his shoulders, Pete and Amanda were laughing as though they didn’t have a care in the world, and Claudia, Steve, and Liam, well, Myka couldn’t quite tell what they were doing. She let out a small laugh, “Our family is crazy.”

“That is admittedly true, however, I can’t say that I would want them any other way.”

Myka went to say something else, but her words were stalled by her dad coming to stand in front of them. His hesitancy and nervousness around them had disappeared significantly in the last year, and Myka was thankful that while things weren’t necessarily _perfect_ , they were at least relatively _comfortable_. He gave them both a tight, though genuine smile, and gestured a hand to Helena, “Why don’t I take her off your hands so you both can go dance? You don’t need to spend your wedding baby-sitting.”

“Warren, we really don’t mind,” Helena countered.

Warren slipped his hands underneath Olivia, lifting her our of Helena’s arms, “Go save my wife from pulling a muscle. I’ll take care of her. I don’t think my daughter would appreciate dancing alone.”

Helena simply nodded with a small smile and slipped her hand into Myka’s, “Come then darling, the night awaits.”

Myka squeezed her hand and paused for a brief moment, deciding in a split second her next move. She leaned forward and left the lightest of kisses to her dad’s cheek, whispering, “Thank you.”

**

Amanda was leaning against the bar, taking a much needed break from dancing. Two hours into the reception and everyone was still full of energy with absolutely no sign of stopping, which she adored and she was fully content to dance and laugh and party until there was no one left but the eight of them on the dance floor, but for now, for a few minutes, she needed a breather. She quickly downed an entire glass of water before reaching behind her and grabbing one of the glasses of sparkling cider that were lining the bar, available for anyone who wanted one. 

She adjusted her position against the bar to let her muscles relax as much as possible, allowing her gaze to wander around the room, taking in the sight of so many people that she considered family seeming to be happier than she’d ever seen them. She couldn’t help but laugh to herself, leave it to H.G. and Myka to throw the best party any of them had attended in years. Everyone, even Myka’s father, seemed like they were having the time of their lives, and if Warren was even having a good time, well…Amanda wasn’t sure she even knew how to process that. She watched with a tiny bubble of happiness blossoming in her stomach as she watched Myka and H.G. spinning Ethan and Anna around the dance floor. Amanda wasn’t sure whose smiles were bigger, though at the end of the day, she knew Ethan usually won that type of contest especially when he was around Myka and H.G. 

She felt an arm slip around her waist, a soft kiss placed at the back of her jaw. Pete tipped his forehead against her temple, “You look like you’re deep in thought, ‘Mands.”

“Maybe a bit.”

Pete pulled her closer with a teasing smile, “Let me guess…all those _awesome_ memories of our wedding? Distracted by the fact that your hubby looks _smokin’_ in his tux?”

Warm laughter tripped out of Amanda’s throat as she tucked a kiss to Pete’s cheek, “Oh you know it stud, it was _exactly_ that.”

Pete chuckled, grabbing a glass of cider for himself, silently thankful that Myka never failed to be more considerate than she ever needed to be with things like that. He nudged his hip against Amanda’s, “Ok, if it’s not my sexiness that has you distracted, what is it?”

Amanda’s eyes stole once again to the dance floor where H.G. had Ethan in her arms, dancing with him while Myka was twirling Anna in small circles. She let out a small sigh, her voice coming out with a hint of wistfulness to it, “They’re just so happy. I mean look at them.” She gestured towards the dance floor, Pete’s eyes following her gaze just in time to see Myka let out a shout of laughter and catch H.G. in a swift kiss.

Pete pushed out a small breath of awe, “I know…” He cleared his throat roughly, trying to fight back the images, the memories that were once again flashing through his mind unbidden, “Ya know…all day today I’ve just keep wishing there was some way I could go back in time and tell the Myka that showed up on our doorstep in tears far too many times, for far too many reasons, that someday she would get here, that someday she would get every damn ounce of happiness that she deserved.”

“For the longest time, I worried so much that she would never believe that something like this was possible. I mean, I know she was _happy_ , but this…them…them together…” Amanda couldn’t find the right words to describe what it felt like to see Myka like this.

“They’re perfect…” Pete let out a ghost of a laugh, “I mean…trust me I _know_ they aren’t _perfect_ , I’ve witnessed that first hand a couple of times, but you know what I mean. _Never_ have I seen Myka as happy, as content, as at peace as she is with H.G.”

“I’m just so happy for them,” Amanda laughed incredulously as she dabbed quickly at her eyes, before bringing her hands up to fan her cheeks, “Jesus…I cried enough during the ceremony, this is ridiculous.”

Pete leaned down and left a soft kiss to her lips, “Have I mentioned in the last hour how gorgeous you are, by the way?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “You’re trying to distract me…”

Pete grinned goofily, “Is it working?”

Amanda palmed his cheek, giving him an adoring look, “It always does.”

Pete’s eyes strayed back out to the dance floor where Ethan had wiggled out of H.G.’s arms and was doing his own version of dancing, which was causing laughter to trickle across the room. Pete laughed quietly, “He’s a nut.”

“He’s adorable.”

“Yeah…I cannot wait until the day when that’s our little guy, makin’ everyone laugh just like his dad does.”

Amanda’s eyes widened, her heart rate leaping a couple of notches, “Are you really ready for that?”

Pete’s smile was relaxed, open, _so very happy_ , “Whenever you are, babe. I mean come on, it’s you and me…our kids are going to be freakin’ amazing, who wouldn’t be ready for that?”

Amanda just shook her head with an amazed smile, before drawing Pete in for a long kiss. She leaned back with a breathless sigh, “I love you.”

“Love you too ‘Mands, forever. You know that.”

“I do, and now,” Amanda finished the last bit of her cider, placing the glass back on the bar and tucking her hand into Pete’s giving it a small squeeze, “Now I’m ready to get back out there and dance the night away with my husband.”

Pete wiggled his eyebrows, “Hey, hey, hey…that’s an offer I _cannot_ refuse. Let’s do it…”

**

As Myka listened to the closing strains of the song currently filtering around the room, she pulled Helena a little closer, giving her the faintest hint of a kiss. Helena smiled contentedly, “Are you happy my love?”

Myka grinned, “I’m not sure I _could_ be happier if I tried at the moment…although…” She looked over Helena’s shoulder, catching the DJ’s eye. He gave her a nod and a wink, lowering the music further. Myka looked back at Helena a bit shyly, “At the moment, I’m a bit nervous…”

Helena’s brow furrowed, “Generally nerves come _before_ the wedding not after it darling.”

“Yeah…well…you know me, I like to mix things up, it keeps life interesting.”

Helena tilted her head as though just realizing that the music had slowed to a stop, and then she took in the look on Myka’s face, “I feel distinctly as though I’m missing something.”

Myka’s teeth chased over the corner of her bottom lip, “I have a bit of a surprise for you.”

Helena’s eyes widened, “What kind of surprise?”

Myka rolled her eyes playfully, “That kind of defeats the purpose of a _surprise_ , Swagger.” Myka kissed her quickly, “Why don’t you go grab a seat at our table and you’ll find out?”

“Now _I’m_ nervous.”

Myka smirked, “No need to be nervous, I promise.”

Myka watched as Helena shook her head incredulously and made her way to their table. Myka took a deep breath as she walked past their DJ whispering a quiet word of thanks before settling herself behind the piano in the corner. It had been quiet for long enough that everyone’s attention had been drawn to Myka’s movements, but there were still some who were oblivious to the shift in the room, so she cleared her throat slightly, the sound catching in the mic and echoing through the speakers. All eyes turned to her and she gave everyone a hesitant smile, “Sorry to break up the dancing, but, well…the night is winding down a bit, and before it’s over I have a small surprise for my lovely wife, which” she chuckled softly, “ _that_ is really weird and incredibly amazing to say by the way.” Everyone laughed softly, giving Myka enough time to gather herself. 

She settled her fingers against the keys, allowing them to ground her and still the nerves that were firing faster within her system with each second. She let her eyes settle on Helena and allowed herself to forget that there were people watching and just talk to her, “Pete said last night that for a long time he worried that my voice had been silenced, and though I rarely like to give him the satisfaction of being right, on that count he was. For the longest time, I felt like I had lost my voice, lost my place behind a piano, lost who I had thought I was. I felt like it was a ghost of a different life, a different me, but you, Helena, made me rediscover who I have always known I was, a person with a voice that wants to be heard, a person whose place is not only by your side, but also behind the far too many pianos I have shoved into our house.” Helena gave her a watery, teasing smile at that, which Myka happily returned. “You helped me find myself again, and for that I am eternally grateful. I will never be able to thank you enough for all that you have done…for the words you have helped me find, but I’m going to try. Now, _I know_ that we are rarely good at holding it together through our own music, so I opted instead to steal the words of one of your _beloved countrymen_ because I’m not sure there are any better words for how I feel right now, tonight, looking at you, than these words. I love you, Sweets.”

Myka knew Helena would recognize the song instantly, but she didn’t try to mask it, to make it even more of a surprise, she simply shot her a quick wink, a soft smile, and let her fingers dance over the opening run of gentle notes. She watched as a wide, _awed_ smile broke over Helena’s face, her fingers coming up to rest against her lips, as she shook her head with an adoring laugh, her eyes wholly focused on Myka as she started to sing.

_“There was a time…when I was everything and nothing all in one…when you found me…I was feeling like a cloud across the sun…well I need to tell ya…how you light up every second of the day…but in the moonlight you just shine like a beacon on the bay…”_

Myka knew she could stop there, that in those few lines she had somehow said every single thing that she’d ever hoped to explain to Helena about how her presence in Myka’s life had changed everything. This verse was the reason it had been so easy to pick this song over all the others she had considered for this moment. When she met Helena she felt like she had everything, a job, friends, a life she was content in, but seeing how much bigger that life could be…it made her realize how much she had ignored the emptiness that had just become a part of her life. Helena was a bright, shining, not to be ignored burst of brightness that kept Myka’s darkness at bay. 

Myka could see that Helena was already crying, and she willed herself to hold on a bit longer. She knew that looking at Helena wouldn’t help her cause much, but she found she couldn’t take her eyes off of her, which was appropriate given the lyrics.

_“And I can’t explain…but it’s something about the way you look tonight...takes my breath away…it’s that feeling I get about you deep inside…and I can’t describe…but it’s something about the way you look tonight…takes my breath away…the way you look tonight…”_

Myka’s eyes swept over Helena. It was true, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Helena was stunning in the most indescribable of ways, whether she was in her leather jacket, stage-ready, or when she was lounging around the house in her loose button-ups and sweats, however, there were no words for her tonight. She was resplendent, a vision that Myka would never, ever be able to forget.

Myka knew Helena knew the words, could see her mouthing along with them, and exactly on cue as Myka flowed into the second verse, Helena flashed her the most devastating, stomach-flipping smile, causing Myka to wonder if she was going to be able to remember the words or need Helena to step in and sing for her.

_“With a smile…you pull the deepest secrets from my heart…in all honesty…I’m speechless and I don’t know where to start…”_

Myka had written more lyrics about Helena than she could fathom, knew that she would write hundreds more, but she wasn’t sure if she would _ever_ come close to so perfectly encapsulating how Helena made her feel than those few lines. Without fail, Helena made her feel safe, comfortable in being vulnerable enough to be open, and more often than not, Myka found herself, still, three years later, fumbling for the right words when faced with this incredible woman she was lucky enough to love.

She sang through a few more iterations of the chorus, each one becoming a deeper struggle at holding it together, but the way Helena was smiling at her, it was enough to steel her strength to finish with a flourish, her fingers chasing over the keys and then letting the chord echo and fade, only to be drowned out by the applause and choruses of “aww’s” from everyone. Yet Myka didn’t hear any of it, because the second she was finished Helena was up and next to her, pulling her up into a kiss that if it weren’t their wedding day probably would have garnered them a few rounds of commentary from their mothers. 

Helena looped her arms around Myka’s neck, giving her an affectionate smile that quickly devolved into a teasing smirk, “You know I _thought_ that sort of behavior was reserved for me.”

Myka gave her a questioning look, “What sort of behavior?”

Helena’s smirk deepened, “You _know_ what…”

Myka grinned, “Maybe…but you should _probably_ still tell me.”

“That, darling, was _all swagger_.”

Myka tipped her head back in feigned realization, “Oh, right! _Swagger_ …I had _no idea_ that’s what you were aiming for.”

Helena shook her head and pulled Myka in for a slow kiss, before letting her hands drift down Myka’s back, pushing against her and suddenly, swiftly, dipping Myka back, never letting their lips stray from each other. 

When Helena finally let Myka back up, Myka couldn’t stop her laughter, “And just like that…the swagger is right back where it belongs.”

Helena chuckled, “What can I say? Someone once gave me a nickname I have to live up to…”

“What crazy woman would have _ever_ done that?”

“A snow-addled, desperately in love woman I believe.”

Myka smirked, “Ya know, that sounds an awful lot like me…”

Helena chuckled softly, pulling Myka tightly to her, her face softening into a gentle look. She toyed with the curls at Myka’s neck that had sprung lose from their bobby pins, “I love you, so very much.”

Myka rested her forehead against Helena’s with a contented sigh, “Oh Swagger…I love you too, like crazy.”

“Our own particular brand of crazy?”

“The very same Swagger, the very same.”

Helena tilted her head forward, leaving a soft kiss against Myka’s lips, before whispering while she tugged Myka back towards the dance floor, “Come on, love…we have a wedding day to finish.”

**

Helena let out an exhausted sigh, reclining her head against Myka’s shoulder, “This feels rather odd.”

“Well, I never claimed that my shoulder was the most comfortable form of pillow so…”

A small noise of strangled, exasperated laughter caught in Helena’s throat, “That was not quite what I was referencing. I more meant going home, it seems…I don’t know, I’m far too tired to find the proper word for it.”

“Partied you out, huh?”

“I believe so…”

Myka tilted her head to press a kiss to Helena’s hair, “And thus we have the appeal of going home. We actually get to sleep in our own bed, which is kind of nice.”

“That is a lovely prospect indeed. Although…you’re sure you don’t regret getting a hotel room for the evening?”

Myka pulled slightly back from where Helena was now practically wrapped around her in the backseat of the car that Pete had insisted they hire, because even if they _were_ just going home, he was adamant that they didn’t need to drive themselves there on their wedding night. Myka gave Helena an inscrutable, almost worried look, “We can absolutely turn this car around and go find a hotel for the night. If that’s what you want, we can do that.”

Helena took in the way that Myka’s muscles seemed to have tensed, the worried unease that was racing through her eyes and immediately a wave of guilt crashed over her. She reached up and placed a palm to Myka’s cheek, “No, my love, I _want_ to go home. Trust me. I just wanted to make sure that simply returning home after the day we’ve had didn’t make it all feel a bit…anti-climactic is very much _not_ the ideal word, but I am at a loss for another more suitable choice.”

Myka felt her muscles unclench the tiniest amount. She wrapped an arm around Helena’s shoulder, pulling her back in close, fingers coming up to comb through her hair, “I know the whole fancy hotel thing is the logical, maybe the traditional thing to do, but I don’t know…I get what you’re saying, I mean going home does make it seem like we’ve just had, ya know, like a normal day out, but there’s also something about _going home_ after today. I don’t know how to explain it…which I’m going to take a cue from you and blame it on my tiredness, but the idea of a fire, a couple of glasses of wine, our bed…it feels like kind of the perfect way to end the day. Somehow, and again don’t ask me to explain, but going back to our house, our life, it kind of makes today feel _more_ …whatever the opposite of anti-climactic is.”

Helena let out a soft chuckle, “Apparently our vocabularies have found their one weakness…wedding days.”

Myka grinned, “Something like that…” She leaned her head back against the car seat with a soft groan, “I think it’s more that I am like _beyond_ tired and _beyond_ a little distracted. It’s not really allowing for proper brain function.”

Helena lifted an eyebrow, her teeth chasing over the corner of her bottom lip, “What could _possibly_ have you so distracted in this moment?”

“Oh I don’t know...I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with you sitting there looking devastatingly gorgeous, or the fact that you have been distractingly beautiful all day and we’ve barely had any time alone.”

A small flush of color rushed across Helena’s chest, even as her lips pulled in a teasing smirk, “Tiredness and that kind of distraction seem like opposing forces, whatever will we do about that darling?”

“I have no idea, I may just completely pass out on you _or_ catch my second wind, it’s a toss-up really.”

Myka’s eyes were twinkling with mirth, her grin so playful that Helena couldn’t manage to do anything but give in to her own distraction. She reached a hand out to cup around Myka’s neck, drawing her forward, and sufficiently stealing the air from both of their lungs. Myka’s hand snaked immediately into Helena’s hair, bringing their bodies completely flush against each other, Helena practically leaning over Myka’s body to get as close as possible. Myka, silently thankful for the partition that was separating them from the driver, pulled back a hair’s breadth from Helena’s lips whispering, “You’re not really helping my distraction at the moment…”

“What about that second wind though? How’s that doing?” Helena tipped her head, mouthing kisses all along Myka’s jawline.

Myka let out a soft groan, “I’d say it’s coming along fairly well.”

The car gave a small jolt, coming to an almost immediate, though smooth, stop. There was a soft knock on the partition as it rolled down a few inches. The driver, determinedly keeping his eyes forward, called out, “Home sweet home, ladies.”

Myka’s teeth chased over her lip, slightly embarrassed at the apparent obviousness of how close their _distraction_ had come to causing an awkward scene. She heard Helena let out a low, throaty chuckle, but she ignored it, leaning forward and lowering the partition further, “Thank you so much for driving us. It is very much appreciated.” Myka turned back towards the backseat, suddenly realizing she was woefully without her purse. Kevin had left the reception early to take the kids to Myka’s parents’ house and get them to bed, offering graciously to stop off at Myka and Helena’s on the way to drop off their things so they didn’t have to deal with maneuvering them. He had taken both of their purses along with him, since they’d agreed they could just use their hide-a-key to get in. 

As if sensing her distress, the driver calmly extracted himself from the front seat, opening the back door swiftly, giving them both a gentle smile, “Mr. Lattimer took care of everything ma’am, please don’t worry about it.”

Myka let out a grateful sigh, “Thank you, _truly_.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

Myka slid out of the backseat, holding a hand out to help Helena out of the car. She linked their hands together, both of them giving the driver grateful smiles, which he returned brightly. He closed the door behind them and moved back towards the front seat, before turning back to them, “Oh and Misses Bering-Wells? Congratulations to you both.”

Helena watched the way Myka’s smile spread across her face, knowing that her own smile mirrored it. She held out a hand to the driver, clasping his lightly, “Thank you very much. Please get home safely.”

He inclined his head to them both, swiftly sliding back into the car, pulling out of the driveway almost silently. Helena squeezed Myka’s hand, “While that will take some getting used to, it sounds quite lovely doesn’t it?”

Though it seemed impossible, Myka’s smile brightened further, as she leaned down, leaving a soft kiss against Helena’s lips, “It sounds perfect.”

**

Myka stood in the middle of the living room, staring down at her wedding dress, and realized she had _absolutely_ no idea what to do. She shot Helena a look over her shoulder, “I think I kind of get it now…”

Helena turned back from where she had been tucking the hide-a-key back in its spot on the porch, shutting and locking the door behind her, “Get what darling?”

“The coming home thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m _happy_ to be home, but I feel like…I don’t know _what to do now_.”

Helena came to stand in front of Myka, fingers trailing down Myka’s bicep, offering her a teasing, wicked smirk, “You do realize that I could give you _plenty_ of answers to that, yes?”

Myka rolled her eyes, “Oh Swagger…”

There was something unsettled about Myka that hadn’t been there when they’d been in the car, something inscrutable lying beneath the surface that Helena couldn’t quite track. Helena’s fingers drifted over Myka’s wrist to link their hands, “Myka…you look…” Helena’s eyes traced over Myka’s face, finally finding the proper word behind what was emanating from Myka, “You look _nervous_.”

The hand that wasn’t joined with Helena’s came up to palm the back of her neck, Myka suddenly flushing under the adoring, though slightly worried, look that Helena was giving her, under the never-ceasing reality that Helena could read her like a book. Incredulous laughter bubbled out of her, “I know…and I think I kind of _am_ , which I realize is absolutely _ridiculous_ , but God, you’re looking at me like that, and today has just been _everything_. It’s been completely perfect and we’re home and I know nothing is _different_ , but I just I never want to lose this feeling and I’m rambling, I am absolutely rambling like some teenager that is nervous about getting something wrong, like all of this is happening for the first time, and…”

“Myka…” Helena breathed out into the minimal space between them, sufficiently, quickly bringing Myka’s words to a halt, followed immediately by a sheepish grin. Helena gave her a soft smile, “My love…you are _absolutely rambling_ , and I _absolutely adore you_ for it. I know precisely what you are saying. You’re right, nothing is different, it’s you and it’s me and it’s our life, yet no matter how much we’ve always known that our lives were inexplicably entwined, now that feels extremely, deeply permanent in the best possible way. I have no doubt in my mind that we’re going to get some things wrong, but we’re also going to get a great many things unbelievably right, and I trust that this, tonight, you and me here, home, _together_ that’s one of them. This is the simplest of things. It’s just us…”

Myka was certain her heart was on the brink of failure because the extreme mixture of fluttering and pounding that she was currently experiencing couldn’t be healthy. She let out a shaky breath, swiping a finger beneath her eyes to stall their watering, “Your writer genes are showing.”

Helena shrugged with a winsome smile, “They have a tendency to show up when necessary.” Helena leaned up and whispered a kiss to the corner of Myka’s mouth, “Here’s what I think we should do. I think we go upstairs and help each other extricate ourselves from these dresses, because I’m sorry there’s no way that I’m getting out of this alone, _and_ I don’t care what anyone says but I’m certain after how long it took me to _get into_ this dress that there’s no way to _get out of it_ in any way that is remotely attractive. So, we get into some comfortable clothes, we start a small fire, maybe get a snack, because I am _starving_ , and we just let the night take us where it will.”

Myka felt her entire body flood with something that was akin to relief, but was more intricate, more reassuring and warming than that, and she realized what she always realized in these moments, these moments when Helena just _understood_ ; that feeling…it was love. She smirked slightly, “Are you actually telling me that I’m allowed to put on my sweatpants on our wedding night? Because if that’s the case, you are seriously the best wife ever.”

Helena chuckled, “Well, I don’t think there was ever going to be any argument about that. However, you do know how unbelievably sexy I find your sweatpants so it’s really a win-win situation for me.”

“I love you.” Myka let out a small, laughter-riddled sigh, palm swiping across her forehead where it was wrinkled in near embarrassment, “God, I’ve said that a lot today.”

Helena’s smile was bright as she laid a palm against Myka’s cheek, thumb tracing over cheekbone, “Say it as many times as you want, my response will always, _always_ be the same. I love you too, my Myka.”

**

“ _Best. Wedding. Present. Ever._ ” Myka snapped another Twizzler between her teeth, stretching out across the couch, sweatpant and Clash t-shirt clad, letting the warmth of the fire she had gotten started seep into her tired, slightly aching muscles.

Helena chuckled, holding out the Twizzler bag for Myka to pull out a couple more before depositing the bag on the floor, “I realized your supply was running dangerously low, and no one needs a Twizzler-less you.”

“A Twizzler-less me? That was kind of adorable.”

Helena grinned, before raking her eyes down Myka’s prone form that was taking up _all_ of the couch. She raised an eyebrow at Myka, “Do I get to join you on that couch, or are you relegating me to the floor?”

“Never. Get over here Swagger.” Myka shifted up to sit against the pillows, patting the space between her knees, which Helena willingly, gladly moved to occupy. Myka combed her fingers through Helena’s hair, earning a grateful sigh of contentment. She pressed a kiss to Helena’s temple, “Since you were so considerate in keeping me well-stocked in Twizzlers, I do have a bit of a surprise for you.” She reached her hand behind the couch to where Kevin had deposited her purse on the table behind it and pulled out a small tin, setting it on Helena’s stomach.

Helena laughed warmly, seeing the tin of her favorite biscuits that were only available in England, “How did you manage this?”

“Just a couple of texts to Charles. He was happy to supply, he said something about it helping you maintain your British-ness.”

Helena chuckled, turning her head to give Myka a light kiss, “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.”

**

It started simply, albeit slowly. It hadn’t taken long for the weight of Helena’s back against her chest, the quiet of the room save the soft pop and crackle of the fire, the casual, almost mindless dance of Helena’s fingertips over her forearm to pull Myka away from any and all of her previous nerves. She couldn’t stop herself from tucking her thumb into the band of Helena’s sleep shorts, circling in a never-ending spiral against the slope of her hip. It only took a few iterations of that pattern for her to catch the slightest hitch in Helena’s breathing, to feel faintly the way that Helena’s pulse had started to speed up where her jaw was tucked against Helena’s neck. It took only the smallest shift in her position for Myka to be able to mouth soft, teasing, pleading kisses against the expanse of skin behind and beneath Helena’s ear. 

Helena’s hand reached behind them to find a firm grip amidst Myka’s curls that were utterly riotous and intoxicating after having been released from the hoard of bobby pins that had been reigning them in all day. Helena flexed her fingers against Myka’s scalp in encouragement and demand that Myka stay where she was, that she do nothing but _continue_.

Myka shifted her hand so that all of her fingers were able to press against Helena’s hip, squeezing with the faintest amount of pressure, feeling the quick betrayal of Helena’s muscles as they jumped beneath the insistence of her grip. 

“Myka…” It was barely a whisper, a gasp, Helena’s breath, her voice already lost in a hazy trance of desperation, as her fingers clenched once again through Myka’s hair.

Myka’s lips halted their movements, though her hand remained firmly ensconced on Helena’s skin, the tips of her fingernails just barely skimming the top of Helena’s thigh. Her blood felt thick, pushing through her veins with almost unbearable want. Her lips tripped over the shell of Helena’s ear, her own desire betrayed by the rasp of her voice, “What do you want, Helena?”

A shaky moan escaped Helena’s throat as she tipped her head further back on Myka’s shoulder, her eyes catching Myka’s in a gaze that was darkened and pulsing with need, “Take me to bed.”

There was an inevitable, necessary pause, as Myka went through the motions of making sure the fire was effectively and completely out, as Helena retrieved the open Twizzlers bag from the floor, retreating to the kitchen to put them away. Small jokes filtered between them about once again not being willing to burn the house down around them, even in the face of a desire to simply _rush_. 

Helena moved to the back of the living room, making sure that Myka was finished in front of the fire, before switching off the lights. Myka met her at the foot of the stairs, Helena chuckling with an embarrassed sigh, “Responsible home-ownership doesn’t really lend itself to maintaining the mood does it?”

Myka grinned, “Oh come on, our domesticity is _unbelievably_ sexy.”

“ _You_ , Myka Bering-Wells,” Helena wrapped her hands around Myka’s hips, pushing her slowly back against the wall, palms racing up to rest around Myka’s ribs, “are unbelievably sexy.”

Myka’s breath flooded out of her lungs as Helena’s lips moved feverishly against her pulse point, “God…that full name thing now requires _a lot_ of syllables.”

Myka felt Helena’s laughter vibrate against her skin, “It will take some adjustment, but I’m sure we can…” she pressed her hips forward, sufficiently pinning Myka between her body and the wall, whispering out the last word against Myka’s ear, “ _manage_.”

It was a delicate dance up the stairs, attempting, sometimes in vain, to keep their feet from stumbling and catching; both of them realizing that logic would dictate simply parting and getting up the stairs in one piece, however, logic had quickly flown out the window from that first inevitable, needy touch. The illogic of it all led to a few stepped on toes, a few stolen moments where it felt like it would simply take too much _time_ to get up the stairs, where it was simply better to pause, to position themselves on the small surface provided by stair steps and walls, breaths exchanged, hands tracing over lines of taut muscles, nails finding purchase on skin in the perfect balance of pain and pleasure. 

Eventually, with an incredulous huff of laughter and breathlessness, they finally collapsed into the comfortable, much more logical, and much safer confines of their bed. 

In the back of her mind, an unbidden spring of nervous expectation once again arose in Myka’s mind, wanting this, _tonight_ , to be somehow more perfect than it usually was. She knew it was irrational and ridiculously unnecessary, but she couldn’t stop her thoughts from circling until they were stopped by nothing more than the simplest of movements. Helena moved her hand to drift through Myka’s curls, a gesture of affection, of love, accompanied by an endeared, _enamored_ look, but as her fingers sought purchase, Myka’s curls were nothing if not determined to fight with Helena’s wedding ring, catching and pulling the barest amount to catch them both off-guard. Apology and frustration immediately sprang into Helena’s eyes as she pushed herself up on her elbows to try and extricate ring from hair, but Myka found she couldn’t keep herself from _laughing_. 

Helena looked down at Myka where amusement and annoyance were dancing across her face in equal measure, “I’m glad _one of us_ is finding this entertaining.”

Myka’s chest bounced in laughter that was quickly becoming uncontrollable. She made an effort to gasp out, “I’m sorry…”

Her fingers finally free from Myka’s hair, Helena couldn’t help but feel the infectiousness of Myka’s apparent delight creep into her veins. Her own laughter radiated from her lungs as she rested her forehead against Myka’s with a small sigh, “Hopeless…we’re completely, bloody hopeless.”

Myka’s laughter abated, her palms smoothing the plains of Helena’s back as she grinned, “Maybe…but I also think we’re kind of perfect, so it’s a good balance.”

Helena’s thumb rubbed over the thin metal wrapped around her finger, looking at Myka with a mixture of awe and adoration, her voice coming out as a winsome sigh, “We’re married…”

Myka shifted her leg to gather the right momentum to encourage Helena to roll over, allowing Myka to settle carefully over her, drawing up one of Helena’s hands between them and placing a sequence of delicate kisses to the tips of Helena’s fingers before curling them closed and kissing the top of Helena’s ring with a loving smirk, “That we are Swagger.”

“I’m going to add to our I love you quotient for the day now…”

Myka chuckled with a sheepish grin, “Ok.”

Helena drew Myka down into one slow kiss before pulling away and whispering, eyes still closed, “I love you.”

Myka’s response was sighed against Helena’s still parted lips, “I love you too.”

All thoughts of nerves and expectations and questions faded under the ever-abiding presence of the moonlight over their bed, faded into the shadows of this room, this place, this _home_ that was theirs, where they were nothing more or less than themselves, open, vulnerable, present for every minute and hour before them. It wasn’t perfect. Helena ended up banging her hand on the headboard. Myka’s calf decided that there was no better time for a charley horse born from hours of dancing in dress shoes than when she was kneeling between Helena’s thighs entirely focused on other more pressing matters. So, no, it absolutely wasn’t _perfect_ , by any normal definition, but it was them, it was sighs and laughter, heat and intention, normal and yet wholly new, teasing and uncontrollable passion, strained muscles and fingers clenched in sheets, sweat mingled with maybe a few tears. It was more than either of them could process or imagine at the end of a day that was wholly beyond comprehension. 

Myka hadn’t known what she expected, didn’t know if she _should have had_ expectations in the first place, all she knew was as she wrapped her arm around Helena’s waist when they were both finally exhausted enough to give in to sleep, as the curve of Helena’s back curled perfectly against her body, as she pressed one more goodnight kiss to the back of Helena’s neck, as she felt her wedding ring collide with Helena’s as their hands linked over Helena’s stomach, that no matter what she ever could have expected in this moment, in all the hours and minutes of her life, it never, ever could have compared to this.

**

_Le Bal Café, Paris, France, late-October 2013_

Helena returned to their table setting down two cups of coffee and a plate of croissants that she had precariously maneuvered through the crowded outdoor seats of the cafe. The weather was blissfully pleasant, a light breeze filtering over the sidewalk, the sunlight though pale offering up an attempt at warmth that had been elusive the last few days of their honeymoon. 

Once Helena was properly settled back into her seat, Myka reached into her bag with a hesitant look, “So, we had some mail this morning…”

Helena’s eyebrows raised in a hint of surprise, though it wasn’t quite as much as Myka had been expecting. Helena took a small sip of her coffee, asking with a small laugh, “Why does it not surprise me that even on our honeymoon someone is able to find us?”

“Well, less _found_ and more I told him where to find us and he used that information accordingly.” 

Myka slid a large, yellow envelope onto the table towards Helena who read the address label with a small smirk pulling at the corners of her lips, “He couldn’t wait for the magazine to actually be published?”

“Apparently not, which doesn’t really surprise me. He likes to do this, give people a heads up of what’s coming their way when it fully goes to print.”

Helena’s fingers teased at the corner of the envelope seal, “He is exceedingly considerate, Andy.”

“He is. Do you want to read it?”

Helena chuckled, “It feels rather egotistical…reading our own press…”

Myka shrugged, “Maybe…”

Helena’s smile was a bit sheepish, “I would like to see the photos…hear how he’s interpreted things…”

Myka grinned, “Hence the mail, Swagger.”

Helena rolled her eyes, finally giving in to her desire to pry open the back of the envelope. Into her hand slid several pages of glossy print, already laid out with photos and sidebar quotes. She gave Myka a questioning look, “This seems _ready_ to print. What if there _is_ something we don’t like?”

“He’ll fix it, trust me.”

Helena spread the pages out on the table, picking up a short, handwritten note that had slid out with them.

_“Myka & H.G.—Here’s the final draft in all of it’s glory. Thank you for letting me into your world for a few hours…it was…well…wondrous. Let me know what you think. ~Andy  
P.S.—Happy Honeymoon”_

Myka took a deep breath, not quite letting her eyes fully take in the article before them, suddenly unsure if she wanted to see what it had to say. Helena reached over and gave her a hand a light squeeze, “Shall we?”

Myka pulled the first page towards them, smiling at the picture Andy had chosen to highlight, a candid of them in the backyard on their bench swing looking out at the mountains. You couldn’t see their faces, but somehow you could tell they were smiling. They were barely even the focus of the photo as it was completely dominated by the overwhelming view in the distance. She heard Helena murmur, “I’d quite like a copy of that.”

Myka chuckled, “I’m sure we could get one without too much trouble.”

Myka felt Helena breathing next to her, felt the shift in the air that always happened when Helena settled in to focus on something, and knew that it was time to see how exactly Andy had chosen to write out their lives.

**

_Bering & Wells: A Chaos of Endless Wonders  
Reporting by: Andy Lasseter_

_It’s a quiet block on an unassuming street in Colorado Springs. The houses are quaint, almost quirky, but you barely notice it, because you’re too busy being overcome by the immaculate view of the Rockies in the distance which seem to dominate ever inch of space your eyes alight upon. There are two thoughts that cross my mind as I finally walk into the house that took me far too long to find despite its teal and purple accents. The first is that this is not the house where you would expect to find two of the music industry’s brightest stars. The second is that this most definitely does not seem to be the house of two people who are getting married in less than 24 hours._

_It’s like walking into a sanctuary, one where whatever worries you might be carrying lift from your shoulders, one where it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, one where you simply, inexplicably feel at home. It could be the fireplace, already roaring with a bright fire, despite the warmth of the day. It could be the never-ending lines of bookshelves, laden with more paperbacks than seem entirely possible. It could be the jazz music filtering around the room. It could be the fact that this is a house that feels lived in, with its pillows and family pictures and a couple of empty coffee mugs on the table and running shoes by the door. It could be a combination of any of those things, but one thing is for certain, it absolutely is the two women who do, in fact, call this place home._

_They are mere hours away from their wedding rehearsal, but Myka Bering and Helena Wells, soon to be Myka and Helena Bering-Wells, seem to be nothing but relaxed and calm, as though today is any other day, not the day before one of the most significant days of their lives. There are no frills here, no airs put on, and I cannot help but wonder if this is simply how they would look whether I was here or not, impending wedding day or not; curled up on the couch together, sipping coffee and tea—“Oh God…don’t even joke about her having anything but tea in the afternoon, she’ll think you’re revoking her British citizenship,” Bering jokes, earning her an annoyed, but clearly enamored smirk from Wells, who eventually concedes, “She’s absolutely right on that front, so I can’t exactly pretend to be offended.”_

_It seems too easy, too tranquil and you have to wonder how that’s possible, given the chaotic nature of their lives.  
H.G. Wells (yes, as in that H.G. Wells, the author is a distant relative) the fiery, powerhouse lead singer of Seeking Endless Wonder. SEW took the world by storm in 2011 with their debut album, and have only continued their dominance this year with a full-blown, completely sold out North American tour in support of their Grammy-nominated second album “Black Sheep.” Myka Bering the woman with too many job titles to fit on a business card. The founder of both The Warehouse, a Colorado Springs institution, a record store specializing in everything from old school vinyl to the latest guitar models, and Warehouse 13 Studios, where she serves as producer for a cavalcade of up and coming artists from St. Secord Records. As if that wasn’t enough, she also serves as a writer and talent scout for St. Secord. It’s enough to make you wonder how on earth there has actually been time to date, let alone plan a wedding._

_“It’s been…interesting. Is that the right word here?” Bering asks Wells with a hint of laughter._

_“Interesting definitely fits.” Wells’ British accent, which is nearly untraceable in her singing, trickles through the air with perfect inflection. A hand comes to rest on Bering’s knee, an unreadable smile passing between them, before Wells continues, “We’ve always had a running joke that we our lives are absolute chaos, so at this point, I hate to say that we’re used to it…”_

_“But we really kind of are,” Bering finishes the sentence that has been left dangling for her._

_Wells chuckles, though it’s hard to tell whether its directed towards her partner’s sentence finishing abilities or towards what she is about to say, “It’s by no means easy, but our entire relationship has happened in the midst of tours and record contracts and new jobs and recording sessions, so we’ve found a system that works, most of the time. When it came to the wedding it was simply a matter of ‘well we’ve done everything else amongst chaos, why not a wedding?’”_

_A wedding. A word I have to admit I never thought I would write in conjunction with Myka Bering. It’s impossible to talk about her, to talk about her life without acknowledging the bright starlight and the shattering devastation of her past. The music world has known Bering since she was twenty years old. Crashing onto the scene in a blaze of acoustic guitar and piano with the duo Stings & Keys which was made up of Bering and her boyfriend at the time, Sam Martino. The history is well known. Grammy nominations. Gold records. A mass of awards and accolades. The allure of the seemingly perfect love story. The sudden, unexplained break. The questions and rumors. The attempted comeback. The heartbreaking loss of Martino at the age of 26, lost in a car accident in the wee hours of the night after what Bering later revealed would have been the last Strings & Keys show no matter how things would have turned out. _

_In the wake of such devastation, Bering disappeared off the map, only re-emerging in the quiet founding of The Warehouse, but remaining adamantly as far away from the music industry as possible. It was a decision that was known and respected by most, especially when Bering later confirmed the rumors of Martino’s infidelity and the impact it had had on their career, an admission she only made in order to bring to rest the stories that had only grown more inflated and exaggerated in the months after Martino’s death. Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere in 2011, there was new music. A couple of production bylines, a featured duet on Seeking Endless Wonder’s debut album, a production studio, all of it leaving everyone wondering, what on earth happened to Myka Bering? The answer? H.G. Wells._

_“It changed everything…meeting her. Don’t ask me which came first, the desire to find my voice again or falling in love with her, because I’m pretty sure it happened all at once. I suddenly realized I’d been running away from this huge part of my life, one that I never stopped loving, but that I had convinced myself I didn’t need anymore. She made me stop running…from a lot of things.”_

_It’s evident that the words evoke a surge of emotion in Wells. She takes a steadying breath before speaking with a self-deprecating smile, “It’s possible my wedding emotions are hitting me early.” Another deep breath, and suddenly her voice is certain, clear, “I’ve always found destiny or fate or what have you to be absolute bollocks, but meeting Myka, when I did, how I did…it was the perfect storm of everything we both needed. I had been living a rather aimless life, quite uncertain of many things, and then suddenly I moved here, I met the band, who just happened to practice at Myka’s store, and there she was, and it was as though I had finally found where I was supposed to be.” Wells pauses catching Bering’s eye with a small smile before moving to place a subtle kiss to her temple, and in that one small moment you realize that whether or not fate is how you’d define it, you can’t help but wonder if the very forces of the universe had a hand in drawing them together._

_Up until this interview, they’ve been very quiet about their life together, choosing privacy above all else, and that doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon, though there do seem to be some stories they’re willing to share once the conversation starts flowing._

_“I used to work at The Regents Café downtown, and I had no idea that Myka ever spent time there. Well, suddenly one Wednesday night there she was, and I was completely bloody sunk. I probably was a horrible server that night, I was miserably distracted.”_

_There is an endearing blush in Bering’s cheeks when she hears that, followed quickly by incredulous laughter, “I made her let me drive her home…every, single Wednesday from that night on, and trust me, I am just not that bold usually, so clearly I was pretty much acting completely insane at that point.”_

_“It was sweet.”_

_“It was something…”_

_“I ended up proposing on a Wednesday after a night at the Regents, so I’d say it made an impression.”_

_The conversation flows between them as though there’s no one else in the room, content to share in these few memories between themselves in the hours before their wedding. It’s rare to witness such casual vulnerability, such openness, especially with people who are usually exceedingly private, but there’s a sense that they almost can’t help themselves when it comes to talking about how they got to this point in their relationship. One thing is evident, neither of them would ever say it happened or continues to happen simply, especially considering the lives they both lead._

_“It’s a lot of Skype, a lot of Face Time, texting.”_

_Wells nods in agreement to Bering’s commentary, adding herself, “It helps that we write together when we’re apart. We’ve written some of our best songs that way. It helps us stay connected.”_

_“Yet again…it’s never been easy. Nothing with us is,” Bering jokes, “even getting together, it took a long time, a lot of back and forth, but we both seemed to know. I think it helped prepare us for the life ahead of us, a life that has been really crazy so far…”_

_“And quite incredible,” Wells adds with a smile._

_Incredible doesn’t seem adequate enough of a word to describe the upward trajectory of their lives in the last two years. Yet, looking around their house, you’d be hard pressed to realize that life around here has been anything short of normal. There are no gold records on the walls—“Hers are at The Warehouse in the studio, mine are in the little cabin behind the house which we’ve pretty much turned into our music room. That’s where the rest of Myka’s pianos are.” The last comment comes as an aside, with a teasing lilt and a grin towards Bering who simply rolls her eyes, “I have way too many. When we moved in here, it was either make room for a couch or for the pianos.” There aren’t any overt signs of opulence, of the rock star lifestyle that both of them would be wholly entitled to embrace. The only items that betray even a hint of the fact that the occupants of the house are music industry darlings are the twin Grammys that occupy a space on the fireplace mantle. Between the two of them, there are already far more than two of the awards, but these two get pride of place for sentimental reasons._

_“I told her the morning that they got the call about their first nominations that we would have to clear space on the mantle. She was completely doubtful, so when they won for ‘Ain’t it Fun’ there was no question of where to put it,” Bering states with a smile._

_The other? Of the many options available to them from the handful of Grammys they claim between them, which one gets to claim the other place on the mantle?_

_Wells looks at it with an easy smile, before giving Bering a teasing smile, “You realize this is going to make us sound hopelessly romantic correct?”_

_Bering nods with a grin, continuing where Wells left off, “She takes full credit for that one, despite the fact that I wrote it.”_

_“About me!” Wells interjects with a laugh._

_Upon closer inspection, the other Grammy, the allegedly hopelessly romantic Grammy, is revealed to be the one Bering won along with Zach Adanto for his single “Chasing Cars,” which was penned and produced by Bering and claimed “Record of the Year” honors at the Grammys this year. So why does this particular Grammy claim pride of place over the many others that could easily also hold a coveted space on the mantle?_

_It’s difficult to miss the blush that once again immediately races into Bering’s cheeks at the question, the shy kind of look she gives Wells before answering, “It’s a long story really, but the simplest way to put it is that that song changed our entire relationship. It was one of the first songs I ever wrote for her, and she heard it for the first time at a pretty critical point for us…so it has a lot of meaning.”_

_Though Wells’ smile is serene, her eyes are shimmering with mirth as she also responds, “I also made her put it up there because she is far too modest for her own good. When I first met Myka, it took me months to figure out that she even played piano, let alone wrote all of these incredible songs. Still to this day, she doesn’t talk about it much, and part of that is because it’s such an innate part of who she is, but the other part is that damnable modesty. I like having it up there as a constant reminder of the wonders her words have wrought, not just for us, but for a lot of people.”_

_If it’s possible, Bering blushes deeper, “And see that right there? That’s why she has more writing Grammys than me.”_

_“Because one versus two is such large distinction, love, and if we’re really going to compare notes, do I even need to state the obvious of how many more nominations you have?” Wells shoots me an endeared look, “Do you see what I mean about the modesty?”_

_Modest or not, there is no denying that between the two of them they are racking up plenty of nominations for practically every award possible and taking home quite a bit of hardware in the process. The other writing win for Wells which she mentioned came also at this year’s Grammys, taking home “Song of the Year,” for “Still Into You.”_

_“That one is in the music room with everything else,” Wells states. “Though I think I’m still a bit in awe that that even happened. Everything surrounding that song was just completely unexpected, the Grammy included.”_

_The everything she is referring to is the fact that a fan recorded video of the moment that Seeking Endless Wonder introduced the song at Red Rocks Amphitheater last summer went viral almost immediately upon its release. It wasn’t just the infectious, driving beat of the song, but Wells’ speech at the beginning of it, explaining that she had written it for Bering, which made the video spread like wildfire._

_“It’s still really strange to me that people made such a significant deal out of one little speech,” Wells comments._

_“I’m just glad no one was able to catch my reaction on video. No one needed to see my ridiculous crying face at that moment. My family still comments about it,” Bering chuckles._

_Viral video or not, once the song hit the air waves it became evident that the band had their biggest hit to date on their hands._

_“It was rather wild. We’d never quite experienced anything like that, but I loved that it happened with that song. I knew what it meant to me, so the fact that everyone else loved it, well that just made it all the more special.” The words are spoken to everyone in the room, but Wells only has eyes for Bering as she says it, other unspoken words clearly flowing between them that no one else can hear._

_Bering chuckles softly, “God, this whole article is just going to be seeing how many synonyms we can find for crazy, chaotic, and wild.”_

_“Well,” Wells says with a smirk, “we can’t have people thinking we’re boring…even though when we’re actually home, we really, really are.”_

_“That is so true it isn’t even funny. Running, napping, and making dinner are not exactly the most glamorous of activities.”_

_“But it works for us. It certainly helps keep us sane.”_

_“As if that’s even remotely possible,” Bering laughs._

_It would seem that the two of them are going to have plenty of need for as much of that allegedly boring home life as possible since it seems as though if they thought their lives were chaotic before, it is only bound to become crazier. Seeking Endless Wonder is one of the hottest bands in the country, their second album already viewed as a shoe-in for Album of the Year at the 2014 Grammys, debuting at number one earlier this year and staying there for twelve weeks. SEW is currently gearing up to return to the studio for their third album, which is slated for release in last spring of 2014 in advance of an already announced world tour that is currently believed will be a near complete sell out._

_That would be enough for one couple to handle, but that isn’t even close to everything on their plate heading into married life. Bering’s wildly successful Warehouse 13 Studios is in the midst of a newly announced merger with Eureka Studios, signaling a massive turning point in the Colorado Springs music industry._

_For years, the animosity between Artifact Records and St. Secord Records has been well known. Eureka Studios, the current production home of Seeking Endless Wonder, has solely been home to Artifact artists, with Warehouse 13 serving as a newer, but no less powerful counterpart at St. Secord, churning out albums for incredible talent like Zach Adanto and the duo of Sally Stukoski and Phillip Petrov, along with the most recent announcement that Liam Napier’s much anticipated third album will be a Warehouse 13 production. Yet, surprisingly last month a memo went out to industry elites announcing the merger of the two studios. It came as nothing short of a surprise. Bering, having earned a Grammy for Producer of the Year in 2013, was assumed to be building her own niche within the market, keeping St. Secord relevant and current in an increasingly competitive market, while Artifact Records was in the midst of its own renaissance after years of downturn. So why this move? Why now?_

_“Basically Douglas Fargo and I are gluttons for punishment,” Bering jokes. “I mean we were both running production studios pretty much single-handedly and trying to manage that on our own as best we could, and we both eventually realized that was really, really dumb. Fargo is a fantastic producer, I mean obviously, listen to their stuff,” she nods her head towards Wells, “and I love working with him. We’ve done a few things together in the past, and one day we just sat down and thought maybe we can do this and save ourselves some really long hours. We have very similar approaches to producing, and I’m really excited about what we’re going to be able to do together.”_

_But what about their dueling labels?_

_Wells’ laughter echoes around the living room, giving Bering a skeptical, though sweet look, “I cannot wait to hear this answer.”_

_Bering rolls her eyes playfully, “We’re still working out all the details, but honestly, Irene Frederic’s work with Artifact the last few years is really what has made something like this possible. She has a great relationship with Jack [Secord] and Rebecca [St. Clair] which has never been the case before between anyone at the labels, and yeah, there are going to be some things to figure out, but we’ll get there.”_

_So does that mean we can expect Myka Bering’s name to be listed as a producer on the next Seeking Endless Wonder album?_

_“No!” The answer is immediate and in unison, both of them chuckling together at their shared determination._

_“Do not get me wrong, we love working together,” Wells states, “but when we first starting talking about Myka making this move, we decided there had to be some boundaries that stayed firm, for the sake of our sanity. We both know how the other is in the studio, and it would really be of no use to a marriage to come home and say ‘do you know what my bloody producer or artist did today?’ and have said producer or artist be your wife. ”_

_“At the end of the day, our lives are crazy enough, we didn’t need to throw that much insanity into the mix. We have a lot of facets of our lives that are intertwined, we needed to keep some things separate,” Bering agrees._

_But is there at least a chance for a repeat performance along the lines of Bering’s guest vocal on SEW’s “Hate to See Your Heart Break?” On that front, there is at least some hope. Details are mum at the moment but both of them have confirmed that they’re in the midst of preparing a Bering and Wells track for recording along with Liam Napier. The single is slated to be released in early January, with plans for it to be the first official release from the merged studios._

_“We can’t say much, because it’s still pretty early in the process, but it’s a song that we both love. We wrote it awhile ago, but never really had the right platform for it. With the studios coming together and us realizing that it needed something more than our voices, it’s finally the right time,” Bering says._

_With a secretive glance and a teasing grin, Wells continues, “Liam’s voice is an absolute perfect fit for it. It was nothing short of fortuitous that the timing with the merger worked out.”_

_“Oh you are so close to just giving away so many hints, I can see it on you.”_

_Wells’ smirk deepens, a coy wink being shot Bering’s way, “It wouldn’t be any fun if we didn’t tease it a little…get people excited.”_

_Bering cannot seem to contain her laughter, shaking her head with an incredulous smile, “See, this,” she shoots a finger between the two of them, “this is why we are rarely in the studio together. We’d never get anything done. Trust me, no one wants to see our lives that mixed together. The band might end up killing us both if it happened.”_

_Whatever they might say about their musical interests and jobs mingling, one aspect of their life that will remain firmly intertwined? Their writing. The Bering and Wells songbook has become a coveted catalogue for artists to get their hands on whenever possible. Earning themselves more than a handful of Grammy nominations in a few short years, including another in 2014 for “Record of the Year” for Seeking Endless Wonder’s “The Only Exception,” their shared writing efforts are another reason that the relationship between their oft-warring labels has started to thaw, with artists from both labels sharing the catalogue, depending on which song fits which artist._

_Wells’ voice is wistful, a bit awed when she speaks of the songbook, “It’s one of the things I love most about our relationship.” She points at a shelf next to the one piano in the house, “The labels may have copies, but that right there is the original catalogue.” It’s a bookshelf laden down with journals, most of which they say are at least half-full, some entirely full of lyrics, dating back to early 2011. Wells walks over and extracts one of them, a rather beat up, black leather journal, “This was the first one we filled completely.”_

_They spend several quiet minutes thumbing through its pages, exchanging anecdotes and memories._

_“You gave me this journal..do you remember that?” Wells asks with a hint of teasing in her voice._

_“No, Swagger, I don’t remember at all the care package I sent to you the opening night of your first tour,” Bering scoffs playfully, accenting her response with a kiss to Wells’ cheek._

_It’s enough to earn her a muffled, playful, “Insufferable,” from Wells, before they turn back to the journal in front of them._

_It’s one of the first things you learn upon spending any time with the two of them, you have to be on your toes to deal with banter that flows at light speed, characterized with a lot of sass and affection. It’s evidence of the settled, contented nature of their relationship, how quickly, how naturally their back and forth flows, riddled with inside jokes and affectionate nicknames. The most significant of which is the one most oft-used for Wells, “Swagger.” What started as a joke, turned into a name that stuck, though amongst their wide circle of friends and family, Bering is the only one who uses it._

_“There’s no better name for her, honestly. But yeah, I had told her once after we had first met, it was that first night at The Regents actually, that few people had what she had on stage..”_

_“I called it over-confidence.”_

_“I called it swagger. Three years later, here we are. I guarantee anyone who has seen her on stage would absolutely understand why it stuck.”_

_Amidst mergers and albums, there still always seems to be the looming question between the two of them, what could possibly come next?_

_“Well a wedding for starters,” Bering grins._

_“Followed by a much needed honeymoon,” Wells adds. “ We’ve tried our best through all of this to always try to have time just for ourselves, but it’s hard sometimes, so we’re quite ready to get away for awhile.”_

_But after the honeymoon? Is there any hope that the chaos will ever cease?_

_Wells’ laughter is bright, “Hardly, though at this point, I think we’re so used to it we wouldn’t know what to do without it. Once we’re back, the band truly goes into recording, getting the next album ready. With the size of the upcoming tour, we’re already working on the plans for that, so there is plenty to do that is for sure.”_

_“The merger with Eureka becomes official on January first, so Fargo and I have a lot of paperwork and procedures to deal with. Our families are all trying to figure out how to possibly get out on the road with the band for a good portion of this upcoming tour. Claudia [Donovan] and I are also in the midst of working out all the kinks with the new open mic night at The Warehouse with the manager of the store. There is zero chance of us getting bored I think.”_

_“We’ll be lucky if we have time to breathe, let alone get bored.”_

_It seems hard to believe, but it is only after well over an hour of conversation that we finally get to the subject of The Warehouse. A venture that was begun by Bering alone has grown into a haven of sorts for all sectors of music lovers in Colorado Springs. Though still co-owned by Bering and Wells’ bandmate Claudia Donovan, it is now a steadily in the hands of a full-time manager, though both Bering and Donovan still have input into the larger dealings of the business. Despite so much change, it is evident that The Warehouse still very much holds a significant place in the hearts of everyone involved with it, Wells included._

_“It was truly what brought us together. When I first started with the band, Claudia was still putting in a lot of hours at the store, and I would come in during her lunch breaks to write. We wrote most of our first album there, and of course it gave me the perfect excuse to see Myka more, so that was certainly a plus. I sang with the band for the very first time there. It’s where we truly got our start. On occasion, when we can, we still like to practice there, or at least go in and have a few minutes together to just play together and goof around a bit. It was, it still is, our home.”_

_Bering takes a deep breath, a surge of emotion clearly evident in her voice, “The Warehouse will always be everything to me. It was the place that helped me find myself again, to find my passion again. It introduced me to Claudia, which was life-changing, because it ultimately led to so many pieces of my life fitting together. I love that it’s expanding, I love what Leena [the current Warehouse manager] has done with it. The open mic nights that we’ve started are really exciting; they’re allowing a new platform for more artists in the city to gain an audience, to be given a chance. Yet, deep down, it’s still the little record store I opened when I was kind of putting my life back together. We still have our regular customers. I still work shifts, though not as often as I’d like. The Warehouse…Helena’s right, it’s home, always.”_

_Just hearing about it all is enough to exhaust anyone. World Tours. Albums. Mergers. Studios. Grammys. Songbooks to fill. Stores to oversee. Families to love and nurture. Relationships to protect. There is no end to the chaos it would seem, yet, through it all, one thing certainly seems to remain constant._

_“We used to have this thing we would say to each other a lot in the beginning when we were still figuring things out. We’d say we were wildly uninterested in a future without the other. That still holds true, even more so now. All of this, all these things we have going on, they’re incredible, but without her,” Bering seems to be unable to resist the opportunity to pause her words and place another kiss to Wells’ temple. “I don’t really want to see what all of that looks like without her.”_

_“Well then, it’s a good thing we’re getting married tomorrow,” Wells chuckles, before her demeanor turns serious. “I had no idea what my life was going to look like when I moved here, I certainly never expected it to lead here, but now, I couldn’t imagine my life, our life, any other way. Chaos notwithstanding, our life together…it’s everything I could have ever hoped for.”_

_Everything you could ever hope for. It is a rare gift that few find in our world, especially when the world we live in is one laced with so much uncertainty, when it is filled with so much chaos, confusion, and heavy doses of heartache. There is no doubt that these two people have seen, have lived all of that, maybe more than their fair share, yet in spite of it all, they’re here, more at peace than many people you encounter. You can’t help but get the sense that if the world was falling to hell outside the walls of this quiet, little house on this quiet, little street, there would still be, here within these walls, an abiding sense of contentment, of hope that the chaos will never win. It’s remarkably refreshing to witness, because it is so very rare._

_Wells might not believe in fate, but one can’t help but wonder how anything other than fate could have helped these two particular people find each other. Call it destiny. Call it the right place at the right time. Call it the karma of The Warehouse. Call it sheer dumb luck. Whatever it was, whatever it continues to be, we are lucky to be a part of it, to bear witness to it, to live in a world where you just can’t help but trust that when the names Bering and Wells are together , even if everything is a little chaotic it is still going to be filled with wonder and just a little dash of swagger._

**

Helena finished before Myka, settling back in her chair, wiping furiously at the tears in her eyes. She heard Myka let out a sigh of what could only be termed _wonder_ , and she knew that Myka had finished. Helena settled into the arm Myka had wrapped around her shoulder, leaning over to place a kiss to Myka’s cheek, “He’s quite a writer, your Andy.”

Myka’s voice was rough, laced with a steady undercurrent of emotion, “He’s remarkable.”

“Though, the fact that I’m currently drinking coffee in the afternoon does make it just the slightest bit inaccurate.”

Myka rolled her eyes with a chuckle, “Always with the minor details.”

“Always, darling.” Helena’s eyes skimmed back over the pages, her fingers gliding over some of the pictures, “I’m glad we did it. He captured everything so beautifully.”

“I am too, though I must admit, I never expected it to be quite that…powerful.”

Helena gave a small hum of assent, settling further against Myka’s side. They were quiet for a few brief moments, before Helena turned her head, giving Myka a playful, though still amazed look, “So our lives are apparently full of wonder and swagger…”

Myka’s laughter was warm and bright, dancing into Helena’s ears on an unending melody. When her laughter abated, Myka gave Helena a teasing, crooked grin, leaning in to give her a soft, slightly slow kiss before pulling away and whispering, “That’s us. Bering and Wells, a little bit of wonder, a whole lot of swagger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is...
> 
> So, just a couple of things. First, I hope the format of writing out the article worked. It required a different angle to write and I struggled with it a bit, but I knew there were certain things that were happening in the future that I wanted to make sure were put out there (the merger, the world tour, etc.). Second, if you were wondering, here is the track listing for the band's second album (all are Paramore unless otherwise stated):
> 
> Black Sheep  
> 1\. Fast in My Car--Donovan/Wells  
> 2\. Still Into You--Wells  
> 3\. Be Alone--Bering/Wells  
> 4\. The Only Exception--Bering/Wells  
> 5\. That's What You Get--Donovan/Wells  
> 6\. Misery Business--Donovan  
> 7\. Young Volcanoes--Bering/Wells (Fall Out Boy)  
> 8\. Jet Pack Blues--Lattimer/Wells (Fall Out Boy)--this was the song Pete and H.G. wrote in Vegas  
> 9\. Anklebiters--Donovan/Wells  
> 10\. Monster--Donovan/Wells  
> 11\. Native Tongue--Donovan/Wells  
> 12\. Escape Route--Donovan/Wells
> 
> Third, and most importantly, THANK YOU to all of you who have stuck around for this insane, exceedingly long ride. I've been working on this for a year and a half and it still blows my mind that there are some of you out there still reading along. Thank you so much for your comments and your thoughts. I have loved every damn second of this story and I hope all of you have too.


End file.
